Original subtitles

Who's fat, who's gross? Who's least, who's most?

Someone, someone.

I got Amber Tamblyn throwing some real shade

on Dame Judi Dench.

Amber!

Please, my dog is sick, come on.

So you'd marry Betty White?

Whoa! Rock, paper, scissor!

I thought Amber Tamblyn was (bleep) dead.

It's like, be young forever.

Uh, I need bloated beach bodies.

Scars.

Go! Ted!

Because I secretly want to (bleep) you.

I got Anthony Bourdain

doing a pretty bad job of hailing a cab.

Anthony Bourdain!

My foot's stuck!

Anthony!

Someone call 9-1-1.

I just need one more person to move this car!

Literally one more person to move this car!

Looks like he's gonna lose a few body parts unknown.

'Cause of that TV show, "Parts Unknown."

Anthony Bourdain, what an asshole.

Actual cockroach, what do you got?

I got Demi Lovato's housekeeper

and she's eating a Caesar salad.

See you next Tuesday, (bleep).

Oh, she deserved it!

No offense, but, if anyone else noticed,

like, I'll say it, she's not white.

You guys, you're my friends even if I don't pay you, right?

I bet you do.

I bet you do.

Now, who's fragile? Who's in a bad place?

Who's on the brink?!

Piece of shit, what do you got?

I got Justin Long

giving a breakthrough dramatic performance.

Hey, Justin!

9/11 or 7-Eleven? 9/11 or 7-Eleven?

This is not a good time. I'm burying my father.

Who are you wearing? Who's your dad wearing?

Justin! Justin, Justin!

Justin! Justin Long! -Thank you.

Hey, bro, how come you're so sad?

Wahh, I miss my daddy!

Poor, unfortunate souls!

I don't know if I can do this anymore!

Do you guys watch TMZ?

I've watched a couple of ones that I've been on,

and they're bizarre.

Like, any time you're friends with someone

and they'll ask you and they're like,

they're like, "Amber, Amber, Amber,

did you see what Amy Schumer ate for breakfast this morning?"

You're like, "Pussy. Next question."

Oh, my gosh.

I'm the president!

Holy shit!

Oh, no!

No!

I got my period on my first day?

Damn it.

Okay, okay.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay...

Okay, you can handle this.

It's not ideal for the first day.

It's not amazing.

But you can do anything. You're the president.

Madame President.

We're calling an emergency meeting

about the situation in Iran?

I'll be out in a second!

Come on, bitch.

Madame President, I can see the benefits,

but we need to explore all our options.

We don't know if we have enough NATO support

for sanctions at this point.

But militarily, our choices are limited

to drone strikes and strategic air...

I'm sorry, does anyone have any Advil?

Excuse me? I just...

I have epic cramps and I just...

Ugh, my mind is, like, mush, right now, if I'm being real.

I'll get you Advil right away, Madame.

Thank you, you are, like, my hero.

Now may I continue?

Yeah, but can you dim the lights a little bit?

It's... it's like... It is crazy bright in here.

Do you want to maybe hit that?

You're kinda closest.

Of course. Thank you.

That's great.

Um, um, up a little bit more.

Oh... It's not nap time.

I'd split the difference.

That's great. Thank you for that.

Okay.

So you were saying something?

Um, Iran or something, Iraq?

We need your support in establishing

the borders of the no-fly zone.

We are totally behind you in that.

You just need to give us something in return

with your export embargo.

That's the last piece of chocolate.

Excuse me?

Like, there's no more.

That's the last piece.

You've been eating all of them,

you could have just at least asked me.

Can't you just ask for more?

That's not the point!

Ugh.

Behind that door is the command center for Adele Dazeem.

He should be there.

Okay, this is it.

Madame President, permission to neutralize.

You guys, I'm gonna need to take five.

Madame President?

I have not changed my tampon,

it is leaking.

Today's been a bear.

Does anyone else feel like that?

Madame President...

He's got... He's gone!

He slipped away! Damn it!

Stop yelling at me!

Why are you being so mean?

You guys, I can't be president

because I got my period!

Ugh!

Does anyone have anything they want to say to me?

Like, maybe an "I'm sorry," and "You're my president"?

Your hair looks good.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It isn't anyone's business but yours,

but if your period starts at work,

keeping your dirty little secret private is almost impossible.

Because when you're hiding a bulky tampon in your sleeve,

that walk from your desk to the bathroom

suddenly feels a million miles long.

By the time you get there, everyone knows...

there's some blood coming out of your vagina.

It's so embarrassing.

If only there was a solution.

Wish that could have gone differently, huh?

Oh, yeah.

You need Tampo, from Baker Street,

discreet feminine hiders.

Tampo? What's that?

It's a discreet carrying case for your tampon

so no one notices when you have your period.

Our patented jazz saxophone design guarantees

that your tampon will go totally unnoticed.

Other saxophone-based tampon holders

store your feminine product right in the bill.

That could be a major problem.

But at Baker Street, we thought ahead

to ensure complete discretion.

Discretion? I'm in!

Great.

Let's take it from the top.

A-two, three, four...

Yeah.

Hey, Amy.

Yeah?

When you get a chance, could you help me

code my third-quarter Excel sheets?

You're such a whiz at that.

Sure thing, Daddy-O.

Daddy-O.

Tampo also comes with step-by-step instructions

on how to teach yourself jazz, you know, just in case.

Hey, you!

Let's hear you play.

Are you really a saxophone nut,

or do you just have your per...

That was awesome. Are you in a band?

Each Tampo comes with a CD-ROM

full of flyer templates for you to personalize.

Come on out and see us sometime.

Right on.

When your period gives you the blues,

turn up the Tampo.

From the makers of Baker Street discreet brown towel,

for period sex.

I had no idea Amy was so good at jazz.

And she never gets her period.

How do you feel about period sex?

Ugh, blech.

Doesn't exist to me.

Unless you mean 1800, I'm not touching her.

What is wrong with you?

Won't do it, won't do it. No, never doing that.

I don't need my whole room smelling like pennies.

So you guys...

Can I help you find something?

Um, yeah.

Do you have this in a larger size?

Have what? In what?

Uh, this shirt in... in a larger size?

Have you checked under the table?

No. Good luck.

So?

I... I just got down here.

Oh.

Any luck?

Um, no, these...

These are even smaller.

Could you keep your voice down?

You're scaring the thinner customers.

Oh, sorry.

Can I help you find something else?

Maybe some jewelry.

No. I just need a...

Just, just this in a size 12.

Like, a UK 12?

Which is a U.S. 8.

Or like a Japanese 12?

Which is an American toddler 3.

Is that true... No, no, I just...

Just this in a...

12, a U.S. 12.

I could call the Midwest for you?

Oh, where is my head?

We have a whole section for your... situation.

Follow me.

Please don't touch that anymore.

What?

Where the (bleep) am I?

Amy?

Lena?

Hi!

It's so good to see you.

Okay, so I asked for a turtleneck,

they brought me here.

That was, like, three months ago.

What? Wha...

What is a cow doing here?

Oh, she's shopping.

It's her daughter's bat mitzvah.

Is that the AIDS quilt?

Mm-hmm, Mindy Kaling returned it

after she wore it to the Golden Globes.

Oh, she looked so warm. Mm-hmm.

Ma'am?

Do you wanna try this on?

That is a tarp for wood.

Yeah.

It's perfect for covering your pool or...

your problem areas.

Here. Oh, okay.

It looks good, Amy.

Really? Yeah.

Mm-hmm. I'll... I'll take it.

Great.

Let's get you to the register before the storm comes.

Bye. Bye.

Twister is a-comin'.

Daisy?!

Thanks.

Why is there a mall pretzel in the bag?

Oh, we assume that's where you'd be going next.

That is really offensive.

I can take it out if you want. -No.

But just for the future,

just, like, know that that is offensive.

Do you want dipping sauce? Yeah.

I am so glad that we're doing this.

It's so important that we get out of the city, right?

We can catch up and, you know,

remember that Manhattan isn't the whole world.

Isn't it, though? Yeah.

You're so funny.

Totally, I've missed you guys so much.

Me too.

Natasha, are you still dating Jeremy?

No, it turned out he was, like, a total sociopath.

What happened?

We were watching the entire season

of "Game of Thrones" together, right?

That's sweet, and then he goes and he watches one without me.

Just watched it without you?

Oh, yeah. No.

Total sociopath.

I read an article about a book about that once, okay?

You are so lucky you got out.

Uh, Amy, how about that architect you were dating?

What's it like to (bleep) an architect?

Seems like it'd be better.

Yeah, it is, it is better, but we broke up.

Because I am sorry to say

that Martin was, like, a textbook borderline.

I'm so sorry.

What textbook?

So I'm a (bleep) liar, Abby?

No.

For your information... Hi.

For your information, we were, like, perfect in the beginning.

Everything was, like, amazing,

and then out of literally nowhere,

he was, like, crazy late to my pre-birthday party.

Wow. Oh, wow.

I'm so sorry.

And I was like, oh, you're trying to destroy me.

It's like that Jesus saying,

"Do unto others on your birthday

like you would have them treat you on your birthday."

Yeah, it's like, live every day like it's your last birthday.

Dance like no one knows it's your last birthday.

And, oh, also, he called the Internet "the interwebs."

Oh, please.

So he was obviously on the spectrum.

Which spectrum?

(bleep) you, Abby!

Are you Lee Patton Oswalt?

Why don't you back the (bleep) up?

Are you trying to destroy me?

No, I am not, Amy.

Um, anyway, I totally met somebody.

That's nice. Yeah, yeah, it is nice.

Where'd you meet him?

I pretty much just followed and unfollowed him on Twitter

until he finally noticed me.

Oh, my God, are you (bleep) Am?�lie?

That's the most adorable thing I've ever heard.

He does have a "Rain Man" thing going on, though.

Autism. No.

His name is Dustin.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, but at a certain age,

your name is your choice.

You know what, we're probably gonna break up anyway.

You know, he has a really addictive personality.

He's a raging chocoholic.

I'm sorry.

Um, I thought only women got that.

It was like a joke problem.

What? Abby, men get it too.

There's just so much more shame associated with it.

Okay, I'm really ashamed of him.

I'm ashamed of you, Abby.

You're a bad person.

Do you hate women?

No.

Anyway, what's Brian like?

Um... You know, I don't know.

Are these red flags?

He has zero empathy, he sets fires,

he tortures small animals.

He wets himself on purpose,

and he's really, really manipulative.

Thoughts?

I don't know, I mean, he sounds really interesting.

I think you're just projecting your fear of abandonment.

Abby, a red flag...

is just a green light you're afraid of.

Go to him.

Well, he is my dad.

Aww!

Boo!

So, M.E., you are a sociopath.

I am, yes, diagnosed sociopath.

Let's talk about it.

You asked us to alter your appearance?

Right. Why is that?

I don't know if you know,

there's, like, a little bit of a stigma about sociopaths.

Yeah, there's, like, a little stigma.

Yeah. So, I mean...

Oh, my God, cool, let's invite her to our party.

Right, exactly.

I know you've done some television

and you've written a book and... What's your book called?

It's called "Confessions of a Sociopath:

A Life Spent Hiding in Plain Sight," yeah.

What does it mean to be a sociopath?

Basically, it's like moral insanity.

You don't have a conscience.

I would say the defining traits are a lack of empathy.

You don't necessarily feel guilt.

Now, I have informally been diagnosed as a (bleep).

Oh, really? There's been no doctors, but it's...

You hear a word enough and you think it's possible.

There you go. So, flying colors for me.

What was one of the first things you remember where...

where people were like, why don't you feel bad about this?

I think I was like six or seven, eight,

we were watching something on TV,

it was this little boy, he was crying,

something horrible had happened to him, whatever it was,

and I was kind of laughing and making fun of him,

and my dad was, like, horrified and said,

you know, "Have you no empathy?"

And that was the first time

that I had heard that word used, "empathy,"

and I thought, I... I don't know if I have empathy.

I guess I don't. -What was happening with the boy?

I don't know, you know, like, had his parents die

or, you know, something horrible.

Something bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

some local news story, exactly.

Um, what is the worst thing, you would say,

you've ever done

that people were, like, "That's not okay"?

I have always had very terrible moral judgment.

Mm-hmm. It's hard for me...

You know, I'll do something

and then people will be outraged and it's...

Like what? Uh, I don't know,

like abandoning my friend who had cancer,

you know, stealing somebody's bike, you know...

You stole a bike?

I've probably stolen, like... 20 bikes.

Really?

What do you do with them?

I just, like, use them and then I...

Sometimes I put them back. Often, I put them back.

So really, Citi Bikes is not a new thing for you. No.

When people find out your diagnosis,

are they afraid of you?

I think that people hear the word "sociopath"

and in their mind, they think killer.

Where did that come from?

Like, um, Hollywood writers being lazy.

You don't have to tell me. Yeah, why did that...

Yeah.

Why did that person do that bad thing?

They're a sociopath.

Have you ever been violent?

I wouldn't think of myself as being terribly violent,

but if you ask me questions like, have you...

did you used to get in fights when you were little,

like, or have you ever killed a small animal,

then I would be answering yes to those questions.

What small animal?

I start off the book talking about

drowning a baby opossum in my pool.

Well, possums are gross. Yes, that's what I thought.

What do you think is the biggest misconception about sociopaths?

Honestly, I think that empathy is so important.

That empathy...

Everyone's all about their empathy.

Who cares? They really are, yeah.

Let's say I suddenly take away your empathy...

Mm-hmm. ...what are you gonna do?

The very next day, you're gonna go out

and kill your neighbor just, just because?

Right. No.

Yeah, you don't all of a sudden want to kill somebody.

What is something that you would want people to know?

You know, a sociopath doesn't mean just evil.

You know, there are plenty of sociopaths out there

doing good in the world.

I see a lot of sociopaths who are CEOs,

you see a lot of sociopaths who are politicians.

There are also a lot of sociopaths

who are surgeons, you know?

If you're empathizing with somebody as you're cutting into them,

that's... that's not a good thing.

Yeah, but it can be a good thing. -Soldiers.

Definitely can be a good thing.

What type of things do make you cry?

Do you know the last time you cried? -Onions, cutting onions.

Art makes me cry, music makes me cry,

anything that's kind of either beautiful or, uh,

kind of, I guess, beautiful in the negative.

You're good at reading people. What do you read about me?

I mean, I think it's interesting that you have

your sister here working with you

and the way that she interacts with you,

and it's probably that you can take things easier from your sister,

like, criticisms, than you can take from other people.

She's the one who actually diagnosed me as a (bleep).

Really? Yeah.

So she would know. She would know.

You and I think that we're psychologists.

I don't know if you do. I think so, though.

Like, do you just diagnose people

with personality disorders?

Oh, all the (bleep) time.

Everybody I... I call my friends

and I'm like, yeah, he's definitely bipolar.

Right, right. Everybody's borderline.

I'm like, well, he's a bordie.

Of course he's acting like that.

But I also like using those as a way to, uh, make sure...

I make sure that they don't diagnose me

and I'm like, and if you think I'm a narcissist,

here are the reasons that I am not.

Throw something over Lena!

I'm okay!

This is my choice!

Aah!

So easy.

Mmm, magic.

I like that blue. It's a nice blue.

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