Original subtitles

Your next presenter is best known

for dying on your favorite HBO shows.

Please welcome Steve Buscemi.

Women.

Am I right?

Without the five beautiful, talented women we're honoring now,

their movies would only have five names on the poster

instead of six.

Here now are the nominees for Best Actress.

Amy Winsbury for "The Clumsy Coal Miner."

I know what you're doing over there is important.

But when you coming home, baby?

I'm your wife!

Julianne Moore for "The Time Traveler's Wife's Husband."

Our baby's due tomorrow.

You need to come back to our past.

For his future.

Maggie Gyllenhaal,

"The Wallaby Whisperer."

Do what you have to do.

Then come back to me.

Jennifer Hudson,

"The Phone Rings Eternal."

I'm sorry, I was in the bathroom.

I'm your wife!

Laura Linney, "Canadian Sniper."

Hello?

Oh, God, Mark? Mark!

Mark, I-- I can't hear you because of the snipering!

Mark!

Can you hear me now?

Oh, hi. How's it going?

And the award goes to...

Amy Winsbury, "The Clumsy Coal Miner."

Unfortunately, Amy couldn't be here tonight,

but we do have her by phone.

Oh, my God, I'm so happy.

First of all, I'd like to thank my hair team,

Hair Team Six, we call you guys.

But more than anything,

I really want to thank the writers,

because you're the ones that come up

with all these dynamic roles for women.

Without you, we wouldn't be able to answer the phone.

Thank you, heroes.

Okay, Amy, just wrap it up, they're playing you out.

Oh, we lost her.

Okay.

It was nice working with you.

This is Amy's first win

and first nomination

after wasting years of her life in comedy.

��

About a month ago, I--

I tweeted a photo of myself.

I did a photo shoot with Annie Leibovitz.

Fancy, right?

High end, high end.

So we did this photo shoot and I was like, um,

"I want to take off my clothes,"

and she was like, "Please don't."

And I was like, "No, like, I'm, you know, 34.

"Like things are going south, you know,

I want to do it before it's over."

So I took off my clothes and she was like, "It's already over."

And then, uh, and then the photo came out

and I was like, "I'm gonna share it,"

and, um, this is the word you don't want people to use

after a photo of you where you're nude goes viral--

"Brave."

Um...

I wiggle around on this chair

I guess I look adorable

Not trying I swear

And you better get home soon

'Cause when you're gone all I do is think about you

'Cause you're so irresistible

Sexy and cute

Don't make this girl wait long

I don't think I'm that strong

With me is where you belong

I want to feel you now so I put on your shirt

It smells just like you

And I slip on your socks and now I'm not blue

'Cause I'm reminded of you

And I know that it's true

That you think that I'm cute

When I do what I do

To feel closer to you

I use your old toothbrush

The fact that it was in your mouth gives me a huge rush �

I put on your ball cap

And I sit on the couch and I watch the game �

Shove handfuls of creatine down my throat �

So we weigh the same

Your face is all I see �

I fit you perfectly

I think that I am forgetting how to be me �

But I don't care

I went to your job and did a presentation �

They told me to tell you that we should take a long vacation �

Then I found your hairs in the sink �

And I glued them to my face

Close my eyes and I run my hands up and down �

To feel closer to you

I put a pickle in my underpants �

To remember how excited you get �

When I do my sexy dance

Then I

Pee standing up

Down my leg it runs �

And I cut my hair short

But not the pit ones �

Then I go through the trash and I eat your old food �

So I poop what you poop

And I think what you think �

Do you like my new ink

Scream at 14-year-olds on Xbox 'cause I... �

Lost! Push my feelings way down

Watch your porn and jack off

Then I light my farts to feel closer to... �

Sup?

Sup?

You you you you you you you you �

I'm not here because there is just you ��

��

Oopsie, I forgot my cell phone.

Garrett!

Huh?

Has this ever happened to you?

You meet a guy, fall in love, get married, have a baby,

and then your husband up and (bleep) your hot young nanny?

Of course it has.

And it's your fault. What were you thinking?

Hiring a nanny who's hotter and younger than you

is like hiring a wolf to...

I don't know.

Here at Matronly Nannies,

we match you and your family

with only the most matronly older nannies.

You won't have to worry about your husband

getting all hot and heavy with such qualified nannies as...

Hadassah,

Rosita,

and straight-up Mrs. Doubtfire.

All our nannies are trained in infant CPR

and even in their heyday were fours.

Call now.

Why do men (bleep) their nannies?

Because you're with them every day, every day, every day,

and you become friends,

and then all of a sudden, your wife shuts--

When you have a kid. Yeah.

Shuts down sexually, 'cause she's tired, she goes to bed.

But your nanny's kinda-- Hey, you become friends,

and all of the sudden, the boobie kinda slips out,

then all of a sudden, you come out of the shower,

and you're like, "There's no towel,"

and she's like, "Oh, you need the towel, Mr. Kelly?"

And you're like, "Oh, okay, sorry--"

What? Is she Scottish?

What just happened there?

She's... Mexican-Scottish.

Oh, okay.

Wow, this got real specific, Bob.

You know the wife goes--

All the time she was burping the kid,

the eye contact between the guy and the nanny.

Very "Hand That Rocks the Cradle."

That must be so hot, though,

just knowing that your nanny is willing to do it.

Can't get a good-looking nanny.

You gotta get like a--

like an Eastern European with a dead tooth

and a mole you could hang a coat off of.

Yeah, you can't get a hot Dominican. -No.

You know, not even like a Haitian lady that can cook,

'cause that turns me on, too.

How (bleep)-up-looking would the nanny have to--

Like she has to be bald right here.

Yeah, she--

She'd have to look like she survived an honor killing

for me not to try to have sex with her.

Oh, hey, did you get a chance

to look at the proposal I sent you last week?

Yeah, no.

I will get to it when I get to it, I guess.

Hey. I got this.

Hey, Sal, I'd ask you how your weekend was,

but I like stalk your Instagrams.

Someone saw three sunsets.

But here's the thing, though.

One sunset, three filters.

Oh, (bleep) you, Sal!

You tricked me. You are so bad.

You're like the king of Instagram.

Anyway, I've got this really dumb proposal that's so stupid,

but I'd love your eyes on it.

Anything for you, kiddo.

Boop.

Sal never boops me or looks at my work.

None of the guys here do.

You should try my Guy-gles.

They're like Google Glass,

but they show you the kind of woman

the guy in front of you needs you to be.

Needs you to be?

Yeah, you know, like flirty victim, spunky kid sister,

nurturing mother, but flirty,

wounded skank, step-MILF,

sexy sex kitten, flirty sex kitten,

flirty friend of Mom, manic pixie or Amy Adams.

Here, try them.

Okay.

Wow, they hurt. Yeah, a lot.

Now go hand out those proposals.

Oh, oh.

This is Ryan.

No one had sex with him in high school

because he had red hair and no dick.

Has no interest in you but needs to know you'd (bleep) him.

Needs to know you'd (bleep) him.

Hey, Ryan.

Oh, my God.

I feel so weird talking to you,

'cause I had the craziest dream about you last night.

Oh, my God, I can't focus around you.

Really? What was it?

I really shouldn't say. Come on.

Here I am going on and on about my wet dream about your dick.

Anyway, would you take a look at this proposal?

Absolutely.

Joshy Weinjosh.

Believes he is hilarious.

Tweets awful things at female celebrities.

Needs you to laugh at his jokes

like it's your (bleep) job-- your (bleep) job.

Hey, Joshy.

That's what she said.

Hahahahaha! You're so funny!

You should be on "SNL."

That's what my mom says.

Oh, my God.

You're funny. What is that, a proposal?

Yeah. Then where's the ring?

Joshy. Oh, Jesus.

I'll take a look at it for you.

This is Toby.

He's gay.

Here's the proposal.

Great, thanks.

Hey, hey, everyone.

Just so you know, there are cupcakes in the break room.

Joshy had a black girlfriend once and thinks he's a hero.

Expects you to be sassy...

I don't know where my head is.

I keep forgetting to bring my cell phone.

Garrett?

Has this ever happened to you?

You call Matronly Nannies and hire a nanny

who seems way too old to arouse your husband's sexual interest,

but then he up and (bleep) her anyway?

We were surprised as well.

But not that surprised, because men.

That's why we started a new company, Just Mannies.

We match your family with only the most qualified male nannies.

Your kids will be thrilled with such mannies as...

Marvin,

Dan,

and Kyle.

We know it might seem weird to have a male nanny,

but aren't you just emotionally exhausted from this nonsense?

Call now.

Now? Now.

Now.

...tries to cut through the middle, ooh!

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Damn it, Vernon!

God!

My kid could have made that catch.

Frickin' loser.

That's it.

I am trading your ass.

I hear ya.

I got Brandon Marshall.

He takes the ball down to the two-yard line for the Jets,

then they hand the ball off

to Tommy (bleep) Bohanon to run it in!

Aren't you a Jets fan? That's not the point!

Sick and tired of copy room Jerry beating me all the time.

Hey, what about Greg Olsen?

Oh, you-- you know how Olsen does it.

Try hitting the weight room, you lazy sack of shit.

Hey!

Hey!

Oh!

You had it! God!

It was right in your hands.

Why'd you even pick Metzger?

He's a clumsy sack of shit.

He's the worst.

Butterfingers who married a real butter pussy.

He was so solid last week, though. -He was.

He carried five bags of groceries

to his Tercel on one trip, one trip.

Who do you got this week?

I got Werzbowski. Fah...

Werzbowski? Are you (bleep) kidding me?

I like him.

I think he's a solid e-mailer.

His most recent reply-all got a lot of LOLs

and even one ROTFLMAO.

Werzbowski is the WOAT-- worst of all time.

He sucks.

He still has an egg as his avatar

on Twitter, man, Twitter!

The game changed.

He didn't change with it.

All right, I love you, Ma. I love you, too.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

You didn't accept my-- my LinkedIn request.

Okay, I'll send it-- I'll send it again later.

What the (bleep), Werzbowski? Told ya.

Every week with this LinkedIn?

We just told you-- Nobody wants it!

What's next? You gonna ask Jeeves?

You outdated baby! He told you.

I gotta bench this guy.

Should have done that a long time ago.

What do you guys think about Jim Piffers?

Keep or trade? Piffers?

I would do what Hertz Rental Car did in '09.

Let him go. Drop his ass, do something.

He's not that bad.

That vadge weasel from Secaucus, New Jersey?

He barely graduated high school.

Guys, guys, guys. Check it out.

Frank Canone is shopping for a dehumidifier at Best Bought.

Let's see if he remembers his gift card.

Hey, that's my clerk!

It's Keith time! Oh, Keith...

Watch my boy sell your boy an extended warranty. -No, no.

Okay, can I interest you in the extended warranty?

No thanks.

Shut him down!

308.69.

Goddamn it!

Come on!

Sheila left it out for you right on the table!

This jackass is paying for it twice.

What's the extended?

You know, throw in that warranty.

I don't know why I do this to myself.

Look, it's Dennis Huggins heading to the bar, 2:00.

Man, that dude sucks! Give me a break.

He used to be good,

but he fell apart after his wife left him.

Can you blame her?

He couldn't (bleep) pussy even if he dunked it

in a jar of Nutella.

True.

Good one. True.

Look at his ass right now. Look at that.

Stupid! Stupid!

Just like we said, he's so stupid.

Pull the door.

No! It's a door.

Just pull the handle. It's not that hard.

Pull the door!

Look, look, look, look. What?

Don't-- don't-- don't look. -You said look!

Let me have a slow gin fizz, honey.

That's him.

Don't go.

He's going. Hey, man.

Are you Dennis Huggins?

Yeah-- yes?

I don't mean to sound weird, but you're like my hero, man.

Denn-- Dennis? Denn--

Listen, I've never done this.

I am so sorry, but my buddies-- come on--

we, we have to get our picture taken with you.

You are like the ma--

We could never do what you do.

Okay, I think I need to have my cell phone

sewn to my hand because I keep forget--

Garrett!

Has this ever happened to you?

Out of desperation, you hire a male nanny

because you think it's the only way

you could have both quality childcare

and keep your marriage from shattering like a light bulb

being run over by a wagon wheel?

But then he up and (bleep) the manny anyway?

Because even though he's not gay, he's lazy.

How about robot nanny?

Garrett?

Aww, dick balls!

Pack of wolves nannies.

Garrett!

Jesus!

Oh, man...

Team of improvisers nannies.

Garrett!

And scene!

Your parents.

Garrett!

His parents?

Garrett!

You sick (bleep)!

So, Sarah, you have Down syndrome.

Yes. Let's talk about it.

So I heard that you worked on the ABLE Act.

Yes. What's that?

It's Achieving a Better Life Experience Act.

It's a bill for people with Down syndrome to save money.

And the bill passed?

The bill passed in 2014.

Girl. Um...

That's amazing. Thanks.

What's your favorite TV show?

Gosh, um, I love "Full House."

What about the new one, "Fuller House"?

I saw some of it, I love it.

What do you think? You love it? -Yeah.

The new one, I haven't seen it yet.

But I loved "Full House."

Which Michelle do you like more?

I think I liked Ashley.

Ashley over Mary-Kate? Yeah.

I'm the same. I'm an Ashley girl. -Me too.

Did you ever watch a TV show

where they have a Down syndrome person on the show?

Yes. What shows?

"Glee." Yeah?

Originally, "Life Goes On."

Yeah, Corky. Um, Corky.

Chris Burke. Yeah.

Me and him are really good friends. -Oh, really?

And he's one of my favorite people. -Cool.

Just friends? Yeah.

Just friends. No benefits.

No benefits. No benefits.

Do you like when you see someone on TV with Down syndrome?

Yeah, yeah It's like good. for people to see that, right?

Are you dating anybody? Mmm, single.

Single? Still searching.

Still looking? Do you drink?

Yeah.

I'm not a heavy drinker, but I like to drink.

I love that you said that.

What's your favorite thing to drink?

Malibu Bay Breeze. Mm-hmm.

My favorite. I hear that.

Do you ever smoke pot?

No. Really?

Never.

Me neither.

What are you best at?

Mmm. Gosh, there's a lot.

Long list. A long list.

Um...

I think I'm pretty good at like bowling.

Yeah? Swimming, in the summer.

Do you pick a fake name when you go bowling?

To put up on the screen?

With friends of mine, I do.

If you're with friends of yours. -Yeah.

Um, I say that my name is Sharita Chapitall.

Cool. It's pretty good, right?

Yeah.

Who is the happiest person you know?

My sister. Really?

Are you guys like best friends?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, no! Yeah, we are.

Some days, right? Some days we are.

She's the-- the main person.

She's your main person. Yeah.

Yeah, that's how my sister is, too. -Cool.

But then sometimes... Mmm?

I'm like, "What is your problem today?"

Me too. All right.

Anyway... Just between us.

Just between us. That does not leave this room.

Yeah. Um...

What do you want people to know about people with Down syndrome

that they don't know?

Don't label us.

I think that we are just like you,

and just treat us just like you.

Have you been--

You've been discriminated against.

In third grade, I was,

but all my friends took care of it for me.

Really? What happened in third grade?

He called me the R-word.

Uh, retarded. Um...

And you hate that word. And I hate that word.

Yeah. You know?

All my friends, when they made him apologize, he apologized,

and then the next day in school,

he carried my lunch for me, carried my books for me.

And then years later into high school,

he asked me to the prom, but I couldn't go

'cause I was already going with somebody else.

Oh, my gosh.

That's cool, your friends really have your back.

Yeah, they do.

Thank you so much for doing this, girl.

Thank you very much, having me. -Yeah.

Let's get a drink.

Malibu Bay Breeze!

You take your shirt off in front of a guy,

and he's like, "Damn!

You look mad brave right now."

'Cause, like here like I'm pretty normal and like here,

but then I get like really brave like right here.

I'm like Joan of Arc on my upper thighs, like.

Oh, my God, you guys. Don't feel bad for me.

You know I'm like very rich now, right?

Um...

What kind of woman--

Hold on.

Step-MILF, sexy sex kitten,

flirty sex kitten.

Flirty friend's mom--

I'm sorry.

Cut, cut!

You know, like flirty victim, spunky--

Wait, hold on.

Wounded skank.

Spunky kid sister.

Flirty mom-- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm trying not to look at you.

Where are you from?

Australia. No.

Man, this is incredible. Thi--

Hello.

And then Vernon, action.

We could never do what you do.

So easy.

Mmm, magic.

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