Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,067 --> 00:00:01,935
So get this--
2
00:00:02,035 --> 00:00:04,538
Belinda is saying she has
fibromyalgia yet again,
3
00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:06,838
which means that I have to
cover the Houston conference.
4
00:00:06,907 --> 00:00:08,742
That is so awesome, babe.
5
00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:10,110
(Amy Schumer)
It can happen anytime.
6
00:00:10,210 --> 00:00:12,779
Oh, my God.
You're not even listening to me.
7
00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:15,315
Now, help is
at your fingertips.
8
00:00:15,415 --> 00:00:16,350
Hello?
9
00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:18,051
ListenAlert, this is Katie.
10
00:00:18,151 --> 00:00:19,887
Just stay calm
and tell me your story.
11
00:00:19,987 --> 00:00:21,054
Oh, thank God.
12
00:00:21,154 --> 00:00:23,257
Okay, so I talked to HR
and apparently,
13
00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:27,494
I have to go to Houston
and I wanted to fly JetBlue,
14
00:00:27,594 --> 00:00:30,063
but they're making me
go on Southwest.
15
00:00:31,765 --> 00:00:35,202
Here at ListenAlert, our trained
operators are standing by,
16
00:00:35,302 --> 00:00:38,906
waiting to respond to your calls,
to hear how things turned out.
17
00:00:39,006 --> 00:00:41,308
We're prepared
with such phrases as,
18
00:00:41,408 --> 00:00:44,144
"Are you kidding me?"...
or, "Uh-huh."...
19
00:00:44,244 --> 00:00:48,248
or, "She's the worst. Sounds like
you handled that perfectly."
20
00:00:48,348 --> 00:00:51,418
Technically, I haven't lost any
weight yet, but I feel lighter.
21
00:00:51,518 --> 00:00:54,021
Oh, my God, you guys.
I totally forgot.
22
00:00:54,121 --> 00:00:55,189
I saw Janelle yesterday.
23
00:00:55,289 --> 00:00:57,124
Oh, my God.
What was she wearing?
24
00:00:57,224 --> 00:00:59,593
(inhales, then exhales)
25
00:00:59,693 --> 00:01:01,929
ListenAlert, this is Jeff,
tell me everything.
26
00:01:02,029 --> 00:01:03,263
Don't leave out your feelings.
27
00:01:03,363 --> 00:01:04,965
I'm on my third day
of green juice,
28
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,935
but since I'm having a salad
tonight, I think it's okay.
29
00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:09,870
You should have a podcast.
30
00:01:09,970 --> 00:01:11,738
ListenAlert is not just
for women.
31
00:01:11,839 --> 00:01:15,142
So when I started high school,
I was 5'10", 150 pounds,
32
00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:17,911
then in my junior year,
I shot up to like 6'2", buck-ninety.
33
00:01:18,011 --> 00:01:19,780
But what size shoe
did you wear?
34
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:20,848
Well, that's the thing.
35
00:01:20,948 --> 00:01:24,284
Like I had always had size 13s,
so I was just kind of waiting to grow.
36
00:01:24,384 --> 00:01:25,986
In the cases
of longer stories,
37
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,922
we'll even dispatch our agents
right to you.
38
00:01:29,022 --> 00:01:32,159
So there is another clutch
that was 50% off,
39
00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:35,162
but it was
a little smaller, like...
40
00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:37,030
Is it more like a wristlet?
41
00:01:37,130 --> 00:01:38,899
I'm having trouble
picturing the size.
42
00:01:38,999 --> 00:01:40,067
Help is on the way.
43
00:01:40,167 --> 00:01:42,169
(phone beeps)
44
00:01:42,469 --> 00:01:44,471
Were they buy one, get one
or buy one, get one 50% off?
45
00:01:44,571 --> 00:01:47,107
It was 50% off, but it was
only in one color.
46
00:01:47,207 --> 00:01:48,642
- Which color?
- Red.
47
00:01:48,742 --> 00:01:50,143
That's a tough one.
48
00:01:50,244 --> 00:01:54,882
All this is covered by a low,
low price of $100,000 a month.
49
00:01:54,982 --> 00:01:56,583
So it was like
my grandma's house,
50
00:01:56,683 --> 00:01:57,784
but at the same time,
51
00:01:57,885 --> 00:01:59,645
it was not totally
my grandma's house, like--
52
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:00,787
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!
53
00:02:02,189 --> 00:02:03,390
We are not saints.
54
00:02:03,490 --> 00:02:06,860
ListenAlert
we will not listen to dreams
55
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,796
56
00:02:09,820 --> 00:02:15,820
Sync & corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
57
00:02:16,436 --> 00:02:19,806
So I get labeled a sex comic
and I think it's 'cause I'm a woman,
58
00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:21,467
you know, 'cause
a guy could get up here
59
00:02:21,508 --> 00:02:23,243
and literally pull his dick out
and everyone would be like,
60
00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:24,478
"He's a thinker", but...
61
00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:27,047
(audience laughing)
62
00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:29,283
(cheers and applause)
63
00:02:29,383 --> 00:02:30,584
Right?
64
00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:33,053
Thank you.
65
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:35,322
I like never have sex,
but they think of me
66
00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:37,191
like I walk around town
67
00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:39,026
just leaving like
a snail trail of (bleep)
68
00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:40,127
I'm just like...
69
00:02:44,131 --> 00:02:45,832
You're gonna be
driving home like,
70
00:02:45,933 --> 00:02:47,935
"Could have dealt
without that one."
71
00:02:50,938 --> 00:02:53,407
- Hey, sis!
- Hi, Jonny!
72
00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:54,474
Ha, ha!
73
00:02:54,575 --> 00:02:56,009
- Hi.
- How are you, honey?
74
00:02:56,109 --> 00:02:58,178
- Drew.
- Hey, so nice to meet you.
75
00:02:58,278 --> 00:02:59,980
Nice to meet you, too.
Come in, come in.
76
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:02,583
Lana's in the kitchen
fixing some snacks.
77
00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:05,018
I am so glad you're finally
meeting my brother.
78
00:03:05,118 --> 00:03:06,420
Oh, totally.
79
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,789
Amy tells me you like fishing?
80
00:03:08,889 --> 00:03:10,290
Oh.
Love it.
81
00:03:10,390 --> 00:03:12,693
Never catch a thing,
but love being on that boat.
82
00:03:12,793 --> 00:03:13,827
I hear that.
83
00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:15,195
Boring conversation.
84
00:03:15,295 --> 00:03:17,564
- Nobody cares!
- No, come on.
85
00:03:17,664 --> 00:03:19,199
I'm getting beers.
Do you guys want beers?
86
00:03:19,299 --> 00:03:20,467
- Yeah, I'd love that.
- Yes, I want a beer.
87
00:03:20,567 --> 00:03:21,635
Thank you, darling.
88
00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:22,836
Oh, man.
89
00:03:22,936 --> 00:03:25,005
So Amy's said so many
nice things about you.
90
00:03:25,105 --> 00:03:26,273
She really looks up to you.
91
00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:27,741
Why don't you cut
the shit, man?
92
00:03:28,141 --> 00:03:30,377
- Wait.
- Yeah.
93
00:03:30,577 --> 00:03:32,177
You know why I wanted
to meet you, right?
94
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:33,380
You know what this is, man.
95
00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:35,282
You better not hurt my sister.
96
00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:36,984
No, I--
97
00:03:37,084 --> 00:03:38,485
What?
98
00:03:38,585 --> 00:03:41,321
(laughs)
I'm messing with you, man.
99
00:03:41,421 --> 00:03:42,723
- Get over here.
- Oh!
100
00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:44,324
All right, okay, I get it.
101
00:03:44,424 --> 00:03:46,126
(laughs)
No, no.
102
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:47,461
That was really convincing.
103
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:48,962
Honestly, you know what?
104
00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:51,231
I guess the only rule I have...
105
00:03:51,331 --> 00:03:52,699
Yeah?
106
00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:55,369
Don't (bleep)
my sister in the ass.
107
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:02,376
(laughing)
108
00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:03,710
Actually, it's not a rule.
109
00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:07,447
It's more of
a fervent request.
110
00:04:07,548 --> 00:04:09,383
Please don't
(bleep) her in the ass.
111
00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:11,251
Jon, I don't--
112
00:04:11,351 --> 00:04:13,020
You want me to beg?
I'll beg.
113
00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:14,820
- I'll beg, I'll beg, all right?
- No, no.
114
00:04:14,821 --> 00:04:15,956
I'm begging you, man.
115
00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:17,357
Please?
116
00:04:17,457 --> 00:04:19,226
Don't (bleep) my sister
in the tushy, please?
117
00:04:19,326 --> 00:04:20,427
She's a good girl.
118
00:04:20,527 --> 00:04:22,596
She's really great, okay?
119
00:04:22,696 --> 00:04:24,731
Stay out of her ass.
Stay out of her ass.
120
00:04:24,831 --> 00:04:26,266
Wait, are you joking?
What is this?
121
00:04:26,366 --> 00:04:27,501
Please--
No, I'm not joking.
122
00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:29,102
Beers for my favorite guys.
123
00:04:29,203 --> 00:04:30,304
Yeah, yay.
124
00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:31,405
Are you all right?
What are you doing down there?
125
00:04:31,505 --> 00:04:34,408
Nothing, I just, uh--
Just dropped the lens.
126
00:04:34,508 --> 00:04:35,509
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
127
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:36,844
All right.
You guys hitting it off?
128
00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:37,878
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
129
00:04:37,978 --> 00:04:40,080
- Two peas in a pod?
- Yeah.
130
00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:41,815
Okay.
It's good.
131
00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:42,916
Good times.
132
00:04:44,751 --> 00:04:46,253
You've done it already,
haven't you?
133
00:04:46,353 --> 00:04:47,888
- No.
- I can see it on her face.
134
00:04:47,988 --> 00:04:49,056
No, no, no, no, no.
135
00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:51,191
You did it, you ruined her.
136
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:53,760
Oh, my God, my beautiful
baby sister,
137
00:04:53,861 --> 00:04:55,262
and you've ruined her.
138
00:04:55,362 --> 00:04:56,430
My God, my God...
139
00:04:56,530 --> 00:04:57,698
Jon, no--
140
00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,967
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God!
141
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,335
No, Jon, no!
142
00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:02,603
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God!
143
00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:03,770
No, no, no, just sit down,
sit down, please.
144
00:05:03,871 --> 00:05:05,239
- Please, please, please.
- Oh, my God...
145
00:05:05,339 --> 00:05:06,573
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
146
00:05:06,673 --> 00:05:10,544
If it helps anything,
we haven't.
147
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:13,413
You haven't?
148
00:05:13,514 --> 00:05:14,781
No, we haven't.
149
00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:16,216
Oh, God.
150
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:19,253
Thank you.
Thank you.
151
00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:20,888
I would never force
your sister
152
00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:22,723
to do anything that
she doesn't want to do.
153
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,124
Oh, yeah, she wants it.
154
00:05:24,224 --> 00:05:26,460
We're from Long Island,
she's gonna ask for it.
155
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:27,694
A lot.
156
00:05:27,794 --> 00:05:29,263
You're from Long Island?
157
00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:30,964
All right, look, man,
I'm not a prude.
158
00:05:31,064 --> 00:05:33,500
Okay, Amy's a beautiful
woman, I get it.
159
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:35,635
You want to absolutely
annihilate her other holes,
160
00:05:35,636 --> 00:05:36,770
you have my blessing.
161
00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:39,039
Feel free to do 95
up and down Pee Street.
162
00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:40,539
Hell, tear her vag
a new ass(bleep),
163
00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:41,508
then (bleep) that ass(bleep).
164
00:05:41,608 --> 00:05:44,611
Did Amy ask you to talk
to me about this?
165
00:05:44,711 --> 00:05:46,513
What?
She's my sister.
166
00:05:46,613 --> 00:05:48,749
We don't talk about sex stuff
with each other.
167
00:05:48,849 --> 00:05:49,917
That'd be gross.
168
00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:52,819
I'm coming to you man to man.
169
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,021
Like a man.
170
00:05:55,589 --> 00:05:56,990
Are we cool?
171
00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:59,593
(whispers)
Yeah, I guess so.
172
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:02,162
- Yeah?
- All right.
173
00:06:02,262 --> 00:06:05,132
All right, so initial here,
sign here, and we can move on
174
00:06:05,232 --> 00:06:07,835
and we can put this shit
behind us.
175
00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:10,704
- Look who I found.
- Oh, terrific.
176
00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:11,939
Catfish sliders are
taking forever.
177
00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:13,307
I am so sorry.
178
00:06:13,407 --> 00:06:14,575
You weren't talking
about us, were you?
179
00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:16,810
Oh, maybe.
No.
180
00:06:16,910 --> 00:06:18,745
Drew, it is so nice to meet you.
181
00:06:18,846 --> 00:06:20,380
Oh, it's so nice to meet you.
182
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:23,584
Amy didn't tell me that--
I'm sorry.
183
00:06:23,684 --> 00:06:24,852
Oh, no, it's fine.
184
00:06:24,952 --> 00:06:27,521
I was horseback riding
a few years ago,
185
00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:28,856
and the horse threw me off.
186
00:06:28,956 --> 00:06:30,257
- My God.
- Real far.
187
00:06:30,357 --> 00:06:31,725
I'm so sorry.
188
00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:33,785
Well, it was such a miracle
that I wasn't injured,
189
00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:34,995
that to celebrate,
190
00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:38,498
Jon (bleep)ed me in the ass,
and long tragic story short,
191
00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:39,867
I'm paralyzed now.
192
00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:41,835
Yeah.
Guilty.
193
00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:44,371
(laughing)
Guilty, he says.
194
00:06:44,471 --> 00:06:45,806
He says guilty.
195
00:06:48,275 --> 00:06:49,243
- No!
- No!
196
00:06:49,343 --> 00:06:50,844
Jon, no!
(glass shatters)
197
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:55,282
- Do you have a sister?
- Yes.
198
00:06:55,382 --> 00:06:56,917
- Do you guys talk about sex?
- No.
199
00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:58,486
Not at all?
200
00:06:58,586 --> 00:07:00,020
I don't want her to have sex,
but I know she's having it.
201
00:07:00,121 --> 00:07:01,355
She's in college.
202
00:07:01,455 --> 00:07:03,924
Would you rather her not have
sex or not have anal sex?
203
00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:06,627
I would rather her be a nun.
204
00:07:11,084 --> 00:07:13,219
So then Jeff was like, "What's
your excuse for being late today?"
205
00:07:13,319 --> 00:07:15,421
And I was like, "I don't have
an excuse, I have a reason."
206
00:07:15,521 --> 00:07:16,689
Good for you.
207
00:07:16,789 --> 00:07:19,092
If your body oversleeps,
it's because it needs it.
208
00:07:19,192 --> 00:07:20,126
Shh.
209
00:07:20,226 --> 00:07:21,828
Will you stop it?
210
00:07:21,928 --> 00:07:24,631
That's what got us kicked out
of Guy Fieri's restaurant.
211
00:07:24,731 --> 00:07:26,900
Don't say I never offered.
212
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:28,468
(giggling)
213
00:07:28,568 --> 00:07:30,536
Let's move in together.
214
00:07:30,637 --> 00:07:33,539
It's only been two weeks.
215
00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:35,141
- When you know, you know.
- Yeah.
216
00:07:35,241 --> 00:07:38,544
You're low-maintenance
and it just feels okay.
217
00:07:38,645 --> 00:07:39,846
It feels right to me, too.
218
00:07:39,946 --> 00:07:41,748
Plus, my roommate's
all over me about rent.
219
00:07:41,848 --> 00:07:43,883
She's your stepmom.
Why is she even charging you?
220
00:07:43,983 --> 00:07:45,418
I don't know.
221
00:07:45,518 --> 00:07:47,287
Mmm.
222
00:07:47,387 --> 00:07:48,555
I'm gonna hit the head.
223
00:07:50,356 --> 00:07:52,225
Check out this update, twatters.
224
00:07:52,325 --> 00:07:53,927
"Moving in..."
225
00:07:54,027 --> 00:07:55,028
Don't type a thing.
226
00:07:55,128 --> 00:07:57,096
Amy, it's me, you.
227
00:07:57,196 --> 00:07:59,198
I time-traveled from
six years in the future.
228
00:07:59,299 --> 00:08:00,833
- How does that work?
- I don't know.
229
00:08:00,934 --> 00:08:02,502
How does electricity work?
You just pay for it.
230
00:08:02,602 --> 00:08:03,836
Now listen.
231
00:08:03,937 --> 00:08:05,838
5-years-in-the-future you
is gonna back and talk to you.
232
00:08:05,939 --> 00:08:07,540
Wait, I thought you were
from the future.
233
00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:09,142
I'm six-years-in-the-future you.
234
00:08:09,242 --> 00:08:11,177
5-years-in-the-future you
has bangs.
235
00:08:11,277 --> 00:08:13,046
Now, she's gonna come
and she's gonna tell you--
236
00:08:13,146 --> 00:08:16,015
- If I should get bangs or not.
- No, shut the (bleep) up.
237
00:08:16,115 --> 00:08:17,995
She's gonna tell you
not to move in with Travis.
238
00:08:18,084 --> 00:08:19,118
Why not?
239
00:08:19,219 --> 00:08:21,754
Because he cheats on you, he
gives you gonorrhea and bedbugs.
240
00:08:21,854 --> 00:08:22,956
It's a nightmare.
241
00:08:23,056 --> 00:08:24,576
Oh, God, I've never had
bedbugs before.
242
00:08:24,657 --> 00:08:26,192
- I won't move in with him.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
243
00:08:26,292 --> 00:08:27,694
You have to move in
with him, okay?
244
00:08:27,794 --> 00:08:29,762
It turns out that by being
warned to break up with Travis,
245
00:08:29,862 --> 00:08:31,864
the things in the future
get really screwed up
246
00:08:31,965 --> 00:08:34,267
and California
is now in the ocean.
247
00:08:34,367 --> 00:08:37,537
- You have to move in with him.
- Yeah, but bedbugs.
248
00:08:37,637 --> 00:08:39,539
The lives of millions
depend on you.
249
00:08:39,639 --> 00:08:40,907
God, get off my back!
250
00:08:42,375 --> 00:08:44,811
Huh-uh, don't chub out
on me now, roomie.
251
00:08:44,911 --> 00:08:48,848
I just lost about
ten LBs in the b-room.
252
00:08:48,948 --> 00:08:51,117
- Oh.
- I can't wait to move in with you.
253
00:08:51,217 --> 00:08:52,318
Me too.
254
00:08:52,418 --> 00:08:55,355
How about a, uh,
a celebration beej?
255
00:08:55,455 --> 00:08:56,823
Travis, I think, um--
256
00:08:58,992 --> 00:09:00,760
(mouthing)
257
00:09:00,860 --> 00:09:03,096
Um, will you excuse me
one second?
258
00:09:03,196 --> 00:09:04,197
I have to go to the bathroom.
259
00:09:04,297 --> 00:09:05,365
Gross.
260
00:09:05,465 --> 00:09:07,000
I don't want to hear
about that shit.
261
00:09:07,100 --> 00:09:08,401
What's going on?
262
00:09:08,501 --> 00:09:09,469
You gotta go give him
that blowj.
263
00:09:09,569 --> 00:09:10,904
What? Why?
264
00:09:11,004 --> 00:09:12,605
If you don't mouth-hug
his yogurt gun,
265
00:09:12,705 --> 00:09:14,025
it turns out things
get even worse
266
00:09:14,073 --> 00:09:15,575
and Ebola knocks out
all of France.
267
00:09:15,675 --> 00:09:17,443
How could that possibly
be connected?
268
00:09:17,543 --> 00:09:19,078
I don't know, it just is.
269
00:09:19,178 --> 00:09:21,114
Your relationship is
somehow the butterfly wings
270
00:09:21,214 --> 00:09:23,249
that destroys the course
of future events.
271
00:09:23,349 --> 00:09:25,084
- Go get under that table!
- No!
272
00:09:25,184 --> 00:09:26,886
Ahh!
273
00:09:28,721 --> 00:09:29,761
You don't need to do that.
274
00:09:29,789 --> 00:09:31,891
Oh, thank God,
I hate giving blowjobs.
275
00:09:31,991 --> 00:09:33,226
You do have to kill Travis,
though.
276
00:09:33,326 --> 00:09:34,494
What the (bleep)?
277
00:09:34,594 --> 00:09:36,496
I'm not gonna bother
explaining,
278
00:09:36,596 --> 00:09:39,332
because we're both stupid,
but here, take this.
279
00:09:39,432 --> 00:09:40,733
You have to kill Travis.
280
00:09:40,833 --> 00:09:42,101
Like this?
281
00:09:42,201 --> 00:09:44,270
No, just hold it
like a person.
282
00:09:44,370 --> 00:09:45,371
Hold it like a human person.
283
00:09:45,471 --> 00:09:48,241
- (sighs) Now?
- Go!
284
00:09:48,341 --> 00:09:50,643
(whispers)
God, this (bleep)ing idiot.
285
00:09:52,312 --> 00:09:54,614
I can't kill someone who's
willing to sleep with me.
286
00:09:54,714 --> 00:09:57,717
She's gonna get kinda fat.
You gotta break up with her.
287
00:09:57,817 --> 00:09:59,185
What?
288
00:09:59,285 --> 00:10:00,453
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, shit!
289
00:10:02,655 --> 00:10:05,058
I'm not gonna get fat,
you're gonna get fat.
290
00:10:05,158 --> 00:10:06,693
Amy!
Don't freak out.
291
00:10:06,793 --> 00:10:07,894
I'm from the future.
292
00:10:07,994 --> 00:10:09,274
You have to break up
with Travis.
293
00:10:09,362 --> 00:10:11,264
He totally breaks our heart.
294
00:10:11,364 --> 00:10:14,033
Oh, my God, I look
so great with bangs!
295
00:10:14,133 --> 00:10:15,535
I know, right?
Ahh!
296
00:10:15,635 --> 00:10:16,636
(squealing)
297
00:10:21,541 --> 00:10:24,043
If you could travel back in time,
would you kill Hitler?
298
00:10:24,143 --> 00:10:25,211
Probably.
299
00:10:25,311 --> 00:10:26,779
What if he was very young?
300
00:10:26,879 --> 00:10:28,681
Are you asking like the minimal
age I would kill Hitler at?
301
00:10:28,781 --> 00:10:29,365
Yes, yes.
302
00:10:29,390 --> 00:10:31,141
So you're saying like five
years old, maybe younger?
303
00:10:31,217 --> 00:10:32,485
Five years old, full 'stache.
304
00:10:32,585 --> 00:10:34,105
- He had a 'stache at five?
- Arm band.
305
00:10:34,153 --> 00:10:36,222
- I'd do it.
- Little hand out.
306
00:10:36,322 --> 00:10:38,057
I'd kill the five-year-old
Hitler.
307
00:10:38,157 --> 00:10:39,597
That's very sweet,
that's very sweet.
308
00:10:42,161 --> 00:10:43,897
Well, no, I don't read,
but it's books on tape.
309
00:10:43,997 --> 00:10:45,698
Like "50 Shades of Grey"
prequel.
310
00:10:45,798 --> 00:10:47,278
Oh, I didn't know
there was a prequel.
311
00:10:47,367 --> 00:10:49,502
Yeah, there were like nine,
it's super cute.
312
00:10:49,602 --> 00:10:51,271
- Oh.
- Caroline...
313
00:10:51,371 --> 00:10:52,805
I am so happy to see you.
314
00:10:52,906 --> 00:10:53,873
I haven't seen you in forevs.
315
00:10:53,973 --> 00:10:55,208
- I know.
- You know?
316
00:10:55,308 --> 00:10:56,743
- It's been so long.
- Right?
317
00:10:56,843 --> 00:10:58,011
Ever since Greg
put a ring on it.
318
00:10:58,111 --> 00:11:00,713
And I'm just like
out of the loop.
319
00:11:00,813 --> 00:11:03,249
- I guess that's what happens.
- How's Zack?
320
00:11:03,349 --> 00:11:04,584
Did you guys set a date yet?
321
00:11:04,684 --> 00:11:06,553
You should do exactly
what Greg and I did.
322
00:11:06,653 --> 00:11:10,790
Destination wedding, middle
of nowhere, New Year's Eve,
323
00:11:10,890 --> 00:11:13,760
nobody's bummed to get that
invite, everybody's psyched.
324
00:11:13,860 --> 00:11:16,829
Actually, Zack and I broke up
like six months ago.
325
00:11:16,930 --> 00:11:18,698
- Oh, my God, are you okay?
- Yeah.
326
00:11:18,798 --> 00:11:20,567
It was kind of rough
'cause we were living together,
327
00:11:20,667 --> 00:11:22,001
and then his mom got
really sick.
328
00:11:22,101 --> 00:11:24,203
You need to (bleep) him
out of your system.
329
00:11:24,304 --> 00:11:26,906
He's got your clam
on dick-lock
330
00:11:27,006 --> 00:11:28,408
and you just need
to find a new key
331
00:11:28,508 --> 00:11:30,843
to undo your combination,
do you know what I mean?
332
00:11:30,944 --> 00:11:33,112
- No.
- I am gonna wingwoman you.
333
00:11:33,212 --> 00:11:34,681
I've never been
a wingwoman before.
334
00:11:34,781 --> 00:11:36,082
This is my chance.
335
00:11:36,182 --> 00:11:37,617
Oh, my God, we're gonna
have so much fun.
336
00:11:37,717 --> 00:11:40,687
Hey, you're cute.
Hi, hi there, hi.
337
00:11:40,787 --> 00:11:42,789
- What's your name?
- Oh, hi, I'm Chris.
338
00:11:42,889 --> 00:11:44,891
Oh, my God, Chris.
That's so hot.
339
00:11:44,991 --> 00:11:47,427
This is Caroline,
Caroline, this is Chris.
340
00:11:47,527 --> 00:11:49,462
Hey, how's-- How's it going?
(mouthing)
341
00:11:49,562 --> 00:11:51,231
It's good.
How are you?
342
00:11:52,932 --> 00:11:55,535
What do you do, Chris?
You're so strong.
343
00:11:55,635 --> 00:11:57,737
Are you a trainer?
Feel his bicep.
344
00:11:57,837 --> 00:11:59,572
Oh, that's okay.
345
00:11:59,672 --> 00:12:02,675
Actually, I do accounting
in a law firm.
346
00:12:02,775 --> 00:12:04,143
Not with those abs, you don't.
347
00:12:04,244 --> 00:12:06,679
So what do you say, Chris?
You gonna train us?
348
00:12:06,779 --> 00:12:09,682
Will you give us
a special two-for-one rate?
349
00:12:09,782 --> 00:12:12,652
You know, I could train you,
in accounting.
350
00:12:12,752 --> 00:12:15,822
(laughing)
351
00:12:15,922 --> 00:12:17,123
Isn't he amazing?
352
00:12:17,223 --> 00:12:18,758
So, uh, what do you do?
353
00:12:18,858 --> 00:12:19,859
Oh, shoot.
354
00:12:19,959 --> 00:12:21,094
I'm gonna text my husband.
355
00:12:21,194 --> 00:12:24,097
Okay, you two talk, okay?
356
00:12:24,197 --> 00:12:25,598
(mouthing)
357
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:30,136
So, she's married?
358
00:12:30,236 --> 00:12:32,205
Uh, yeah.
She...
359
00:12:40,113 --> 00:12:42,181
So what kind of accounting
do you do?
360
00:12:44,250 --> 00:12:45,919
Whoo!
Where's Chris?
361
00:12:46,019 --> 00:12:47,554
Did you blow him?
362
00:12:47,654 --> 00:12:49,155
No, you know what?
363
00:12:49,255 --> 00:12:51,224
I think he was actually
really into you.
364
00:12:51,324 --> 00:12:53,793
Yeah, right.
I'm totally married, ew.
365
00:12:53,893 --> 00:12:55,762
You're the hot single one.
366
00:12:55,862 --> 00:13:00,166
This wingwoman isn't stopping
until I hijack some guy's (bleep)
367
00:13:00,266 --> 00:13:03,336
and get it to just cram right
into your landing strip.
368
00:13:03,436 --> 00:13:05,338
Ehh, ehh.
(giggling)
369
00:13:05,438 --> 00:13:07,507
- That was a plane.
- Ew.
370
00:13:07,607 --> 00:13:09,342
You don't have
to do that, okay?
371
00:13:09,442 --> 00:13:11,144
We kind of have different
styles about this, really.
372
00:13:11,244 --> 00:13:12,946
No, I do, I feel so bad.
373
00:13:13,046 --> 00:13:14,747
I knew Zack was cheating
on you the whole time.
374
00:13:14,847 --> 00:13:16,349
Wait, what?
375
00:13:16,449 --> 00:13:17,650
Look what I found.
376
00:13:17,750 --> 00:13:19,953
Derek, Caroline.
Caroline, Derek.
377
00:13:20,053 --> 00:13:21,421
- Nice to meet you.
- Pleasure.
378
00:13:21,521 --> 00:13:23,990
Oh, my God, sparks,
sparks, sparks.
379
00:13:24,090 --> 00:13:26,192
(chuckles)
You're gonna love Caroline.
380
00:13:26,292 --> 00:13:28,528
She's hot, she's funny,
381
00:13:28,628 --> 00:13:31,731
she's flawless,
she woke up like this.
382
00:13:31,831 --> 00:13:33,333
She's sexy like all
the Kardashians,
383
00:13:33,433 --> 00:13:35,868
but with Scott Disick's
whip-smart attitude.
384
00:13:35,969 --> 00:13:39,072
Ashlee Simpson voice,
O.J. Simpson strength.
385
00:13:39,172 --> 00:13:42,242
She's Casey Anthony hot,
but with no baggage.
386
00:13:42,342 --> 00:13:44,844
Amy told me that you had
a radio show back in college,
387
00:13:44,944 --> 00:13:46,212
is that right?
388
00:13:46,312 --> 00:13:47,881
I'm sorry, are you mad
at me for telling him?
389
00:13:47,981 --> 00:13:49,449
It was like this world music.
390
00:13:49,549 --> 00:13:51,851
- Wait, let's play a game, okay?
- Okay.
391
00:13:51,951 --> 00:13:52,952
- Close your eyes.
- Okay.
392
00:13:53,052 --> 00:13:54,554
- Give me your hand.
- Mm-hmm.
393
00:13:54,654 --> 00:13:56,923
Guess where your finger
is right now.
394
00:13:57,023 --> 00:13:58,258
Is that...?
395
00:14:00,793 --> 00:14:03,096
My (bleep).
Oh! Okay.
396
00:14:03,196 --> 00:14:04,931
Okay, guess what song
I'm squeezing to.
397
00:14:05,031 --> 00:14:06,332
Sure, okay, this is...
398
00:14:06,432 --> 00:14:08,468
Um, Maroon 5?
399
00:14:08,568 --> 00:14:09,569
Yes!
400
00:14:09,669 --> 00:14:11,104
- I got it?
- "Soul Sister"!
401
00:14:11,204 --> 00:14:13,306
Caroline, don't you love
how good he is at this game?
402
00:14:13,406 --> 00:14:14,941
Oh, my God.
403
00:14:15,041 --> 00:14:17,310
Oh, that's good, good job, girl,
play hard to get.
404
00:14:17,410 --> 00:14:18,678
I'll keep him warm for you.
405
00:14:18,778 --> 00:14:20,280
Guess where your finger is now.
406
00:14:20,380 --> 00:14:24,183
Eyes closed.
Make a fist.
407
00:14:28,271 --> 00:14:29,338
(gavel banging)
408
00:14:29,438 --> 00:14:32,875
And you're certain it was these two
women who cursed your husband?
409
00:14:32,975 --> 00:14:34,677
They're not women,
they're witches!
410
00:14:34,777 --> 00:14:36,512
(crowd shouting)
411
00:14:39,248 --> 00:14:40,683
(woman)
Ask him yourself!
412
00:14:40,783 --> 00:14:43,486
John, tell the judge
what you told me.
413
00:14:46,122 --> 00:14:49,158
Well, last week,
I was walking home
414
00:14:49,258 --> 00:14:50,993
past the tavern
of their employ.
415
00:14:51,093 --> 00:14:53,362
And I glanced in for
a mere moment
416
00:14:53,462 --> 00:14:56,098
and I was struck
by their dark witchcraft!
417
00:14:56,198 --> 00:14:57,500
(crowd gasping)
418
00:14:57,600 --> 00:14:59,168
I know not what happened next.
419
00:14:59,268 --> 00:15:03,539
He returned home near sun-up,
dark welts on his neck.
420
00:15:03,639 --> 00:15:04,707
(crowd)
Oh!
421
00:15:04,807 --> 00:15:06,527
(woman) And then, tell
them the other thing.
422
00:15:07,710 --> 00:15:08,778
Out with it!
423
00:15:10,546 --> 00:15:12,415
My member hath been cursed!
424
00:15:12,515 --> 00:15:13,583
(crowd gasps)
425
00:15:13,683 --> 00:15:15,084
Since happening past
their tavern,
426
00:15:15,184 --> 00:15:18,387
I've had a fiery pain
in my shaft upon evacuation
427
00:15:18,487 --> 00:15:20,923
and an immense itching down
there that cannot be satiated
428
00:15:21,023 --> 00:15:22,525
no matter how oft I scratch!
429
00:15:22,625 --> 00:15:26,295
Night after night, these sirens
call him in his sleep,
430
00:15:26,395 --> 00:15:29,298
luring him into
their dark confusions.
431
00:15:29,398 --> 00:15:31,100
Burn them!
Burn the witches!
432
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:32,401
- (man) Burn them!
- Burn them!
433
00:15:32,501 --> 00:15:33,603
(gavel banging)
434
00:15:33,703 --> 00:15:36,939
My husband had the same affliction
after meeting with these two.
435
00:15:37,039 --> 00:15:37,940
And mine.
436
00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:39,609
Tell them, James, tell them.
437
00:15:39,709 --> 00:15:45,047
I patronized their tavern a
month ago and since that night,
438
00:15:45,147 --> 00:15:47,149
my plow has been
riddled with pox.
439
00:15:47,250 --> 00:15:48,317
(crowd gasps and groans)
440
00:15:48,417 --> 00:15:50,019
A red raging pox!
441
00:15:50,119 --> 00:15:51,554
(crowd gasps and groans)
442
00:15:51,654 --> 00:15:54,090
Which one, um...
443
00:15:54,190 --> 00:15:56,058
Bewitched you?
444
00:15:56,158 --> 00:15:57,493
The one on the left.
445
00:15:57,593 --> 00:16:00,196
Yeah, the one
on the right got me.
446
00:16:00,296 --> 00:16:01,230
Noice.
447
00:16:01,330 --> 00:16:02,565
What was that, sir?
448
00:16:02,665 --> 00:16:06,135
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, they got me, too.
449
00:16:06,235 --> 00:16:08,070
These two put such
a big hex on me
450
00:16:08,170 --> 00:16:10,806
that I got a harrowing
thrash of redness down there.
451
00:16:10,907 --> 00:16:14,310
I can no longer glorify the Lord
with hand congress
452
00:16:14,410 --> 00:16:16,012
- 'cause of you two.
- Oh!
453
00:16:16,112 --> 00:16:19,048
I know for a fact
these women are witches.
454
00:16:19,148 --> 00:16:20,468
(crowd)
Witches! Witches! Witches!
455
00:16:20,549 --> 00:16:22,685
One, they're completely
hairless down there.
456
00:16:22,785 --> 00:16:23,920
(man)
That's true!
457
00:16:24,020 --> 00:16:26,822
And two, they're
left-hand dominant.
458
00:16:26,923 --> 00:16:28,691
I mean, they're
pretty good with both,
459
00:16:28,791 --> 00:16:30,760
but they're especially
good with their left!
460
00:16:30,860 --> 00:16:32,929
(crowd groans)
461
00:16:33,029 --> 00:16:34,330
How do you know of this, Lana?
462
00:16:34,430 --> 00:16:36,332
Oh, they use
their Satanic voodoo
463
00:16:36,432 --> 00:16:40,069
to send me visions of their
shorn mounds in my dreams!
464
00:16:40,169 --> 00:16:42,405
- Don't you mean nightmares?
- Yeah, yeah, whatever.
465
00:16:42,505 --> 00:16:44,206
Black magic!
466
00:16:44,307 --> 00:16:46,876
(crowd shouting)
467
00:16:46,976 --> 00:16:48,945
(gavel banging)
Silence!
468
00:16:49,045 --> 00:16:50,179
Goody Amy...
469
00:16:50,279 --> 00:16:52,848
and Goody Baddy.
470
00:16:52,949 --> 00:16:55,384
After hearing these charges,
I have no choice
471
00:16:55,484 --> 00:16:57,687
but to find you
guilty of witchcraft.
472
00:16:57,787 --> 00:16:59,522
(crowd exclaiming)
473
00:16:59,622 --> 00:17:01,357
I hereby sentence
the both of you
474
00:17:01,457 --> 00:17:03,693
to be burned at the stake
until you are dead.
475
00:17:03,793 --> 00:17:05,494
Oh, no!
476
00:17:05,595 --> 00:17:06,629
(gavel banging)
477
00:17:06,729 --> 00:17:08,364
Any last words?
478
00:17:08,464 --> 00:17:10,299
(whispering)
479
00:17:10,399 --> 00:17:11,400
(woman)
Witches.
480
00:17:11,500 --> 00:17:12,468
(crowd hissing)
481
00:17:12,568 --> 00:17:13,869
(whispers)
Witches.
482
00:17:13,970 --> 00:17:16,505
(hissing continues)
483
00:17:16,606 --> 00:17:19,108
(gavel banging)
Let them speak.
484
00:17:20,509 --> 00:17:22,311
(whispering)
485
00:17:22,411 --> 00:17:24,814
Oh, oh, that's delightful, mmm.
486
00:17:24,914 --> 00:17:27,083
Yes?
(whispering)
487
00:17:27,183 --> 00:17:28,150
Oh, heavens.
488
00:17:28,251 --> 00:17:30,353
Oh, thunder and brimstone.
489
00:17:30,453 --> 00:17:33,456
Uh, upon further review
of new evidence,
490
00:17:33,556 --> 00:17:36,259
I've deciding we are
sentencing them to a private--
491
00:17:36,359 --> 00:17:37,860
What's called
a private burning,
492
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:41,230
where all of you people
leave now,
493
00:17:41,330 --> 00:17:43,432
and us three,
it's a private ceremony.
494
00:17:43,532 --> 00:17:45,434
Please, get out.
Get out.
495
00:17:45,534 --> 00:17:47,937
What part of "out" don't you get,
the O, U, or T?
496
00:17:48,037 --> 00:17:49,338
I want to start this burning
as soon as you leave.
497
00:17:49,438 --> 00:17:50,973
James!
498
00:17:51,073 --> 00:17:53,476
- James!
- What? I'm under a spell.
499
00:18:01,829 --> 00:18:04,097
So, Dina,
you used to be Amish?
500
00:18:04,098 --> 00:18:05,199
Yes.
501
00:18:05,299 --> 00:18:08,269
How long were you Amish
and living that lifestyle?
502
00:18:08,369 --> 00:18:10,638
24 years.
503
00:18:10,738 --> 00:18:13,007
Wow.
But you still dress Amish.
504
00:18:13,107 --> 00:18:14,842
Yeah, sometimes I do.
505
00:18:14,942 --> 00:18:17,211
- So you still like sometimes wanna rock it?
- Yep.
506
00:18:17,311 --> 00:18:19,713
What was your guiltiest pleasure
when you were Amish?
507
00:18:19,813 --> 00:18:22,016
I like the Three Stooges.
508
00:18:22,116 --> 00:18:24,184
They've made some new comedies,
though, since then.
509
00:18:24,285 --> 00:18:25,786
Yeah.
(laughing)
510
00:18:25,886 --> 00:18:27,726
How old were you when
you had your first drink?
511
00:18:27,788 --> 00:18:31,425
I would say I was 29, maybe?
512
00:18:31,525 --> 00:18:33,627
- What was it?
- A Mike's Hard Lemonade.
513
00:18:33,727 --> 00:18:35,763
(laughing)
514
00:18:35,863 --> 00:18:36,964
Did you like it?
515
00:18:37,064 --> 00:18:39,400
- Yeah.
- There you go.
516
00:18:39,500 --> 00:18:42,269
How's the equality between men and
women in the Amish community?
517
00:18:42,369 --> 00:18:45,239
The women are--
They all have their roles.
518
00:18:45,339 --> 00:18:49,343
Raise the children,
ten to 15, 20 kids.
519
00:18:49,443 --> 00:18:51,211
I was in a family of 14.
520
00:18:51,312 --> 00:18:53,032
And what type of wheelchair
was your mom in?
521
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:54,648
(laughs)
Right?
522
00:18:54,748 --> 00:18:57,785
What would a typical day
be for you?
523
00:18:57,885 --> 00:18:59,053
Get up in the morning--
524
00:18:59,153 --> 00:19:00,721
- What time?
- 5:00.
525
00:19:00,821 --> 00:19:04,091
- Go milk a cow by hand.
- What's that cow's name?
526
00:19:04,191 --> 00:19:07,895
Uh, could be Judy...
Chelsea.
527
00:19:07,995 --> 00:19:09,897
Did you have favorite cows?
528
00:19:09,997 --> 00:19:12,232
Yes, the ones that didn't kick.
529
00:19:12,333 --> 00:19:14,401
(chuckles) Have you
been kicked by a cow?
530
00:19:14,501 --> 00:19:16,236
- I have.
- Goddamn it.
531
00:19:16,337 --> 00:19:19,740
How did you end up
with your husband?
532
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:20,908
How did you meet him?
533
00:19:21,008 --> 00:19:22,409
Like where did you see him
for the first time?
534
00:19:22,509 --> 00:19:24,311
- Actually on the road.
- Yeah?
535
00:19:24,411 --> 00:19:26,213
He stopped his horse and buggy
536
00:19:26,313 --> 00:19:28,549
and picked me
and my younger sister up.
537
00:19:28,649 --> 00:19:31,185
Did he ask you out?
Like what happens?
538
00:19:31,285 --> 00:19:32,319
I played hard to get.
539
00:19:32,419 --> 00:19:33,587
- You did?
- Yeah.
540
00:19:33,687 --> 00:19:34,855
What'd you say? You were like,
"I'll think about it".
541
00:19:34,955 --> 00:19:37,491
Yeah.
(both laugh)
542
00:19:37,591 --> 00:19:38,626
And then what?
543
00:19:38,726 --> 00:19:40,327
Have you ever heard
of bed courtship?
544
00:19:40,427 --> 00:19:42,363
- No.
- They date in bed.
545
00:19:42,463 --> 00:19:44,198
- In...
- What's that?
546
00:19:44,298 --> 00:19:47,201
In bed.
(laughs)
547
00:19:47,301 --> 00:19:48,402
You got that?
548
00:19:48,502 --> 00:19:50,542
- I did get that, courtship.
- They didn't have sex.
549
00:19:50,604 --> 00:19:52,439
But you hang out in bed?
550
00:19:52,539 --> 00:19:57,511
Yeah, we just talk and rock
back and forth and...
551
00:19:57,611 --> 00:19:58,612
Rock back and forth?
552
00:19:58,712 --> 00:20:00,014
Yeah, kind of like
holding each other.
553
00:20:00,114 --> 00:20:02,883
- Hold each other and you kind of like rock?
- Yeah.
554
00:20:02,983 --> 00:20:04,952
- Side-to-side or front-back?
- Side-to-side.
555
00:20:05,052 --> 00:20:08,022
How long did you bed courtship
without sex?
556
00:20:08,122 --> 00:20:11,025
We got married...
a year after.
557
00:20:11,125 --> 00:20:12,960
So you guys were just rocking
in that bed for a year?
558
00:20:13,060 --> 00:20:14,561
Yeah, yeah.
559
00:20:14,662 --> 00:20:16,130
So how does everybody
stay in such good shape?
560
00:20:16,230 --> 00:20:19,066
'Cause you never see like a--
Like fat-ass Amish person.
561
00:20:19,166 --> 00:20:20,601
- You don't?
- I don't think so.
562
00:20:20,701 --> 00:20:22,536
Were there a bunch of tubbies
when you were there?
563
00:20:22,636 --> 00:20:24,338
- Yeah.
- Oh, okay.
564
00:20:24,438 --> 00:20:27,041
Um, what's something that nobody
would ever guess about Amish people?
565
00:20:27,141 --> 00:20:29,443
That they are rude.
566
00:20:29,543 --> 00:20:30,978
- That Amish people can be rude?
- Yeah.
567
00:20:31,078 --> 00:20:32,579
(both laugh)
568
00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:33,981
Do you have any questions
for me?
569
00:20:34,081 --> 00:20:35,816
- How old are you?
- 33.
570
00:20:35,916 --> 00:20:37,751
- Really?
- Yeah. Zero kids.
571
00:20:37,851 --> 00:20:39,119
- Mmm.
- It's relaxing.
572
00:20:39,219 --> 00:20:42,957
- Do you ever want kids?
- Maybe.
573
00:20:43,057 --> 00:20:44,458
Or maybe I just want
a Pomeranian.
574
00:20:44,558 --> 00:20:45,459
(both laugh)
575
00:20:48,429 --> 00:20:50,965
(screaming)
(giggling)
576
00:20:51,065 --> 00:20:53,100
(crew laughing)
(director) Cut, cut.
577
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:54,268
(Amy)
So easy.
578
00:20:54,368 --> 00:20:55,669
(man)
Mmm, magic.
579
00:20:57,393 --> 00:21:03,393
Sync & corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
580
00:21:03,443 --> 00:21:07,993
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
41585
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.