Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,101 --> 00:00:02,636
(sirens wailing)
2
00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:12,913
(screaming)
3
00:00:22,923 --> 00:00:25,359
(announcer)
Introducing Dye Another Day,
4
00:00:25,459 --> 00:00:28,128
Squ'Oreal's new hair color
for women on the run.
5
00:00:28,228 --> 00:00:29,468
Because I'm worth it.
(gunshots)
6
00:00:29,563 --> 00:00:30,464
(bleep)!
7
00:00:30,564 --> 00:00:32,966
(sirens wailing)
(dogs barking)
8
00:00:34,134 --> 00:00:37,171
(announcer) Dye Another Day,
now with a free gauze bandage!
9
00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:41,208
10
00:00:41,432 --> 00:00:47,232
Sync & corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
11
00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:48,782
I know what you're all
thinking right now.
12
00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:50,450
You're like,
"How do we date you?"
13
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,286
Um...
14
00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:53,987
Well, you can't.
You can't.
15
00:00:54,087 --> 00:00:56,857
And not 'cause I'm not totally
out of the woods with this UTI,
16
00:00:56,957 --> 00:01:00,093
but also...
(audience laughing)
17
00:01:00,194 --> 00:01:01,461
I'm not on any dating sites.
18
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:03,630
Like I feel like you're just not
allowed to do that
19
00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:05,299
if you've ever been
on television, for some reason.
20
00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:07,100
People are like, "Oh, my God,
that's so (bleep) sad."
21
00:01:07,201 --> 00:01:08,635
And you're like, "You're right.
I should die alone."
22
00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:09,903
Um...
23
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:12,873
24
00:01:12,973 --> 00:01:15,075
I was gonna get
eyelash extensions,
25
00:01:15,175 --> 00:01:17,215
but then I did get those Uggs
that I've been eyeing.
26
00:01:17,277 --> 00:01:18,645
- Oh, okay.
- YOLO.
27
00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:20,247
All right, yeah.
I guess so.
28
00:01:20,347 --> 00:01:22,616
Um, hey, I'm gonna go get
another drink from the bar.
29
00:01:22,716 --> 00:01:24,084
You want anything?
30
00:01:24,151 --> 00:01:26,486
Ooh, yeah, would you get me
a Mexican Russian mojito bomb?
31
00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:28,622
Babe, those take
forever to make.
32
00:01:28,722 --> 00:01:30,490
Why don't you just get
a glass of wine or something?
33
00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:31,758
No, please, babe!
34
00:01:31,859 --> 00:01:32,759
Okay, oh, yeah.
Okay.
35
00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:34,194
(kisses)
All right.
36
00:01:34,294 --> 00:01:35,495
- A skinny-girl one.
- Okay.
37
00:01:39,333 --> 00:01:41,101
- Hey.
- Hi, how you doing?
38
00:01:41,168 --> 00:01:42,903
- Nice party, huh?
- Yeah.
39
00:01:43,003 --> 00:01:44,905
- Ooh, I like your shirt.
- It's ironic.
40
00:01:44,930 --> 00:01:45,954
- Right.
- Right?
41
00:01:45,979 --> 00:01:46,964
That is ironic.
42
00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:49,977
- So how do you know Glen?
- Oh, um, I don't know Glen.
43
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:51,912
He was my boyfriend's
roommate in college.
44
00:01:52,012 --> 00:01:54,381
Okay, you don't have to slip in
that you have a boyfriend, okay?
45
00:01:54,481 --> 00:01:57,918
I was just making casual
conversation, all right?
46
00:01:58,018 --> 00:02:00,220
You're just a four.
Wow.
47
00:02:01,421 --> 00:02:03,256
I wasn't even making...
48
00:02:04,558 --> 00:02:06,593
- Sorry. Excuse me.
- No, no, no, no. You're fine.
49
00:02:06,693 --> 00:02:09,429
I haven't even had enough
drinks to be stumbling.
50
00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:11,231
Which is a sign I should
probably get another one.
51
00:02:11,331 --> 00:02:12,766
Yeah, I hear you.
(chuckles)
52
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,067
Can I get you something?
53
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:17,070
Oh, no, no, no.
My boyfriend's grabbing me one.
54
00:02:17,104 --> 00:02:18,639
Wow, you're arrogant.
55
00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:20,307
I was just trying to be nice.
56
00:02:20,407 --> 00:02:22,109
You don't have to cram in
that you have a boyfriend.
57
00:02:22,209 --> 00:02:23,243
No, I wasn't doing that.
58
00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:25,345
I only sleep with Asian girls.
59
00:02:25,445 --> 00:02:26,613
Pretty arrogant.
60
00:02:26,713 --> 00:02:27,948
For a three.
61
00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:31,585
I'm a four.
62
00:02:37,124 --> 00:02:39,159
Looks like you don't know too
many people here either, huh?
63
00:02:39,259 --> 00:02:41,328
Oh, no, I just...
64
00:02:41,428 --> 00:02:42,729
(mouthing)
65
00:02:44,231 --> 00:02:45,566
No.
(chuckles)
66
00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:47,334
- Where are you from?
- Long Island.
67
00:02:47,434 --> 00:02:50,404
- Ooh, Long Island, that's cool.
- Yeah.
68
00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:53,273
Can I get you a drink?
69
00:02:53,373 --> 00:02:54,942
No, I-- I'm...
70
00:02:56,777 --> 00:02:58,512
- Yeah, that'd be great.
- Yeah?
71
00:02:58,612 --> 00:02:59,780
- What do you want?
- White wine.
72
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:02,182
- Oh, I'll be right back.
- Thank you.
73
00:03:04,084 --> 00:03:05,519
- Here.
- Oh, wow.
74
00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:06,653
- That was easy.
- (chuckles) Yeah.
75
00:03:06,753 --> 00:03:08,055
This poor schmuck
over there is waiting
76
00:03:08,121 --> 00:03:09,957
for this like
insanely complicated drink
77
00:03:10,057 --> 00:03:12,125
that you have to like harvest
a field to make.
78
00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:13,293
Oh, my God.
(laughing)
79
00:03:13,393 --> 00:03:14,795
What kind of a piece of shit
80
00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:16,797
wants a really refreshing
drink like that?
81
00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:18,365
(both laughing)
82
00:03:18,465 --> 00:03:19,666
So what town are you from?
83
00:03:19,766 --> 00:03:22,102
I'm from Ronkonkoma.
You ever been to the Konk?
84
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,671
Oh, my God, you're amazing.
85
00:03:24,771 --> 00:03:26,673
- I'm so glad you were at that party.
- Mmm.
86
00:03:26,773 --> 00:03:28,375
How do you know Glen?
87
00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:30,344
I can't remember.
88
00:03:30,444 --> 00:03:33,213
I'm having an orgasm right now.
89
00:03:33,313 --> 00:03:34,515
- Oh!
- Yeah.
90
00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:36,116
Okay, yeah, go!
91
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:37,851
(laughs)
Oh, my God, yeah!
92
00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:39,653
93
00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:42,756
Boyfriend, I have a boyfriend.
94
00:03:44,291 --> 00:03:45,659
Hey, Henry?!
95
00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:50,297
And cup of cocoa with an extra
marshmallow for my best girl.
96
00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,233
What's up?
97
00:03:53,333 --> 00:03:56,336
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
98
00:03:56,436 --> 00:03:57,771
(cups clank)
99
00:03:57,871 --> 00:03:59,173
(slurping)
100
00:03:59,273 --> 00:04:01,241
Okay, I feel like I have
to tell you something.
101
00:04:01,341 --> 00:04:03,210
Remember the night
you met me at that party?
102
00:04:03,310 --> 00:04:05,712
I was by myself.
103
00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:07,214
I have, um--
104
00:04:07,314 --> 00:04:08,434
Let me stop you right there.
105
00:04:08,448 --> 00:04:12,419
Because you will never be
by yourself again.
106
00:04:12,519 --> 00:04:14,054
What?
What are you doing?
107
00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:15,956
Will you marry me?
108
00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:17,558
Oh, my God.
(violin playing)
109
00:04:17,658 --> 00:04:18,759
Um...
110
00:04:21,828 --> 00:04:23,096
Yep.
111
00:04:23,197 --> 00:04:25,499
She said yep!
She said yep!
112
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,100
(laughing)
Yes!
113
00:04:27,201 --> 00:04:28,635
I will.
114
00:04:28,735 --> 00:04:31,438
Oh, you've made me
the happiest man in Ronkonkoma.
115
00:04:31,538 --> 00:04:32,906
(monitor beeping)
116
00:04:33,073 --> 00:04:37,077
Henry, I have to tell you
something.
117
00:04:39,913 --> 00:04:41,815
I have a boyfriend.
118
00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:45,219
Ever since we met, that party,
119
00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:48,722
he was getting me a drink
and it took too long.
120
00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:50,891
God, I just didn't
want to be arrogant
121
00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:53,660
and slip in that I had
a boyfriend.
122
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:57,497
I tried to tell you
after Bennett was born,
123
00:04:57,598 --> 00:05:00,434
but by then, super weird.
124
00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:02,803
Wow.
125
00:05:02,903 --> 00:05:06,039
Slow your roll, asshole.
126
00:05:06,073 --> 00:05:10,277
I was never interested in you
anyway 'cause I'm gay, P.S.
127
00:05:10,377 --> 00:05:13,747
- What?!
- I just needed a beard
128
00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:18,285
so I could keep my job
at Halliburton.
129
00:05:18,385 --> 00:05:20,153
Arrogant.
130
00:05:20,254 --> 00:05:21,722
(flatlining beep)
131
00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:24,791
(ringtone chiming)
132
00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:28,595
Ooh!
133
00:05:31,465 --> 00:05:32,666
- (groans) Oh!
- There she is.
134
00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:34,334
Baby, I missed you so much.
135
00:05:34,434 --> 00:05:35,469
- Mwah.
- Mwah.
136
00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:37,938
Sorry things got
so out of hand at that party.
137
00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:40,274
They were out of Malibu
so I got you some well rum.
138
00:05:40,374 --> 00:05:43,577
Oh, I don't want this.
139
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,213
Oh, can I just have
a mudslide instead?
140
00:05:46,313 --> 00:05:47,748
Please?
141
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:49,950
Well rum?
142
00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:55,088
Did you ever tell someone you
had a boyfriend like too soon
143
00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:56,723
and they were like,
"I wasn't even..."?
144
00:05:56,823 --> 00:05:59,126
- Yes.
- What happened?
145
00:05:59,226 --> 00:06:01,395
The guy was like,
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, it's okay.
146
00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:03,030
That's not where I'm trying
to go with this."
147
00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:04,565
- Did you believe him?
- No.
148
00:06:04,665 --> 00:06:06,266
No way.
149
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,502
You're like, "Your hand's
on my thigh, sir."
150
00:06:15,083 --> 00:06:18,887
151
00:06:18,987 --> 00:06:19,988
(bell dinging on door)
152
00:06:21,256 --> 00:06:22,758
(steam hissing)
153
00:06:35,804 --> 00:06:37,372
(bell dinging on door)
154
00:06:37,472 --> 00:06:39,207
(steam hissing)
155
00:06:40,809 --> 00:06:44,646
156
00:06:47,082 --> 00:06:48,216
(bell dinging on door)
157
00:06:49,418 --> 00:06:50,852
(steam hissing)
158
00:06:53,322 --> 00:06:56,291
159
00:06:57,993 --> 00:06:59,428
(bell dinging on door)
160
00:07:00,596 --> 00:07:02,197
(steam hissing)
161
00:07:07,436 --> 00:07:10,372
162
00:07:20,249 --> 00:07:21,683
(bell dinging on door)
163
00:07:21,783 --> 00:07:23,619
164
00:07:30,192 --> 00:07:33,495
165
00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:39,234
(sizzling)
166
00:07:45,507 --> 00:07:46,942
(bell dinging on door)
167
00:07:47,042 --> 00:07:48,143
(steam hissing)
168
00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:56,385
169
00:07:58,420 --> 00:07:59,855
(bell dinging on door)
170
00:07:59,955 --> 00:08:02,157
171
00:08:02,257 --> 00:08:03,692
(steam hissing)
172
00:08:06,628 --> 00:08:07,930
(sighing)
173
00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:10,565
174
00:08:15,704 --> 00:08:17,205
(steam hissing)
175
00:08:22,978 --> 00:08:24,479
(bell dinging on door)
176
00:08:24,513 --> 00:08:25,781
(steam hissing)
177
00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:34,323
(music stops)
178
00:08:34,489 --> 00:08:36,592
(steam hissing)
179
00:08:36,692 --> 00:08:37,926
180
00:08:38,026 --> 00:08:38,961
(bell dinging on door)
181
00:08:39,061 --> 00:08:40,996
(steam hissing)
182
00:08:41,096 --> 00:08:44,066
183
00:09:08,790 --> 00:09:10,630
Have you ever had a barista
make a fancy design
184
00:09:10,692 --> 00:09:11,860
in the foam of your coffee?
185
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,595
I have, yes.
186
00:09:13,695 --> 00:09:15,964
- Did you read into it?
- No.
187
00:09:16,064 --> 00:09:17,866
- Yeah, me neither.
- No.
188
00:09:20,803 --> 00:09:22,571
189
00:09:22,671 --> 00:09:25,441
(announcer) Amy was just
a regular ordinary girl
190
00:09:25,541 --> 00:09:27,309
in the kingdom of Agribar.
191
00:09:27,409 --> 00:09:31,413
I am a rancid
peasant girl...
192
00:09:31,513 --> 00:09:35,451
(announcer) Until one day, her
most impossible dreams came true.
193
00:09:35,551 --> 00:09:37,086
(fanfare)
194
00:09:37,186 --> 00:09:40,522
Amy, I'm Willenby,
your royal attach?.
195
00:09:40,623 --> 00:09:42,658
It's time you knew the truth.
196
00:09:42,758 --> 00:09:45,828
You're not a disgusting,
filthy commoner at all.
197
00:09:45,928 --> 00:09:49,498
- You're a princess!
- A princess?
198
00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:51,700
Me?!
199
00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,202
Oh!
200
00:09:53,268 --> 00:09:56,305
(announcer) And now her
life is going to change.
201
00:09:56,405 --> 00:09:58,974
I'm a real princess.
202
00:09:59,074 --> 00:10:02,378
I could get used to this
203
00:10:02,478 --> 00:10:05,047
I deserve this castle
204
00:10:05,214 --> 00:10:08,217
And now it's time
to greet your prince.
205
00:10:08,284 --> 00:10:09,785
My prince?
206
00:10:09,885 --> 00:10:12,855
But of course, every princess
must marry a dashing prince.
207
00:10:12,955 --> 00:10:14,156
Would you like to meet him?
208
00:10:14,256 --> 00:10:15,791
(bleep) yeah, Willenby!
209
00:10:15,891 --> 00:10:18,927
(announcer) Watch as Amy
leaves her humdrum life behind
210
00:10:19,028 --> 00:10:21,530
and learns the ways of royalty.
211
00:10:21,630 --> 00:10:25,701
Presenting Her Royal Highness,
Princess Amy!
212
00:10:25,801 --> 00:10:28,504
213
00:10:30,406 --> 00:10:31,446
(record scratching effect)
214
00:10:31,540 --> 00:10:32,975
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's that dude?
215
00:10:33,075 --> 00:10:34,243
Most certainly.
216
00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:37,579
Your marriage will legalize the
alliance between our kingdoms.
217
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:40,449
Yeah, but like I thought,
'cause I'm the princess,
218
00:10:40,549 --> 00:10:42,351
I could, you know,
like pick whoever I want.
219
00:10:42,451 --> 00:10:43,919
(chuckles)
Oh, heavens no.
220
00:10:44,019 --> 00:10:46,455
We must maintain the purity
of the royal bloodline.
221
00:10:46,555 --> 00:10:49,325
Prince Gilligan here is
actually your first cousin.
222
00:10:49,425 --> 00:10:52,227
Yeah, but like
that doesn't seem cool.
223
00:10:52,328 --> 00:10:55,497
Guess what, I'm not into you
either, bitch.
224
00:10:55,597 --> 00:10:57,933
(announcer)
Behold the enchanting romance.
225
00:11:00,235 --> 00:11:01,870
Hey, thank you
for swinging by.
226
00:11:01,971 --> 00:11:03,772
Turns out I'm not really
comfortable
227
00:11:03,872 --> 00:11:05,641
sleeping with a close relative.
228
00:11:05,741 --> 00:11:07,743
And also, I just turned 14.
229
00:11:07,843 --> 00:11:09,878
According to your lunar cycle,
230
00:11:09,979 --> 00:11:12,481
now is the optimal time
to conceive.
231
00:11:12,581 --> 00:11:14,917
- You're tracking my periods?
- Of course.
232
00:11:15,017 --> 00:11:17,653
Incubating a prince is
literally your only role.
233
00:11:17,753 --> 00:11:19,655
But won't the baby
be all like...
234
00:11:19,755 --> 00:11:20,956
Like jacked up?
235
00:11:21,056 --> 00:11:23,192
As sure is my name is Willenby.
236
00:11:23,292 --> 00:11:25,327
But Willenby!
237
00:11:25,427 --> 00:11:27,262
Now!
238
00:11:27,363 --> 00:11:31,333
(announcer) Sure, not everything about
being a princess is a piece of cake.
239
00:11:31,433 --> 00:11:32,635
Princess Amy,
240
00:11:32,735 --> 00:11:36,472
for the crime of producing
only female offspring,
241
00:11:36,572 --> 00:11:38,340
you are hereby
sentenced to death.
242
00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,542
(crying)
Stop the execution!
243
00:11:40,643 --> 00:11:41,944
Oh, thank God!
244
00:11:42,044 --> 00:11:44,613
I knew the prince would
change his mind.
245
00:11:44,713 --> 00:11:46,749
No, he was assassinated
by his own guards.
246
00:11:46,849 --> 00:11:48,651
But either way, you're free.
247
00:11:48,751 --> 00:11:50,552
(laughing)
Thank you!
248
00:11:50,653 --> 00:11:53,222
(whispering)
Thank you!
249
00:11:53,322 --> 00:11:55,190
Apologies, Your Highness.
250
00:11:55,224 --> 00:11:58,761
The commoners have revolted and
are demanding your stupid head.
251
00:11:58,861 --> 00:12:01,363
- Kill her!
- Oh, come on!
252
00:12:04,290 --> 00:12:07,293
I guess what I'm saying is
that I'm finally in a place
253
00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:10,997
where I've accepted my body
as being awesome.
254
00:12:11,097 --> 00:12:14,400
And now I just kind of
can't stop masturbating.
255
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:16,002
'Cause it's not a problem.
Like I don't mind it.
256
00:12:16,102 --> 00:12:17,337
I just thought that
that would be something
257
00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:18,972
that you would kinda like
dig hearing about.
258
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,573
'Cause that's like
a behavioral...
259
00:12:20,673 --> 00:12:22,909
Are you okay?
260
00:12:23,009 --> 00:12:24,477
I'm fine.
Go on.
261
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:26,279
Okay, cool, 'cause
I wanted to tell you
262
00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:28,281
about this unbearable poem
263
00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:31,117
that my mom posted
on my Facebook wall.
264
00:12:31,217 --> 00:12:32,952
Like where she knows
everyone will see it.
265
00:12:33,052 --> 00:12:34,754
(snorting)
266
00:12:34,854 --> 00:12:35,989
Did I say something?
267
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:37,390
No, it's just...
268
00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:39,726
Actually,
there is something wrong.
269
00:12:39,826 --> 00:12:41,461
Probably wondering why
I canceled
270
00:12:41,561 --> 00:12:44,430
on the last
two appointments with you.
271
00:12:44,530 --> 00:12:47,266
No, I just assumed
you were having an abortion.
272
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:48,601
That's why I canceled.
273
00:12:48,701 --> 00:12:51,070
Or why I'm dressed
like this right now?
274
00:12:51,170 --> 00:12:53,106
I love your whole like sad
Stevie Nicks look.
275
00:12:53,206 --> 00:12:56,376
I-- I really don't want to violate
the whole doctor-patient,
276
00:12:56,476 --> 00:12:59,545
"you don't tell me anything
and I just talk" thing.
277
00:12:59,646 --> 00:13:01,914
Okay, so my mom's
cooze of a poem--
278
00:13:02,015 --> 00:13:03,216
This is how it starts--
279
00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:06,853
"My sacred daughter,
my reason for living..."
280
00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:09,289
Amy, both my parents died.
(snorting)
281
00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:11,524
Oh, my God, are they okay?
282
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:14,527
No, they're dead.
283
00:13:14,594 --> 00:13:15,827
Yeah, but you know
what I mean.
284
00:13:15,828 --> 00:13:17,930
It's just like an expression.
285
00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:20,767
Okay, well, I'm gonna go.
286
00:13:20,867 --> 00:13:22,802
No, Amy, please don't, really.
287
00:13:22,902 --> 00:13:25,538
Just-- I need to be
back at work, I do.
288
00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:27,540
I'm sorry.
Please go ahead, Amy.
289
00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:28,808
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
290
00:13:28,908 --> 00:13:30,843
Maybe you need some
time to like process
291
00:13:30,943 --> 00:13:33,379
or heal or other words
you tell me?
292
00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:35,548
- No, no, I'm--
- Narcissist?
293
00:13:35,615 --> 00:13:38,117
When I have time alone,
294
00:13:38,217 --> 00:13:41,788
I can't stop thinking
about how they died.
295
00:13:41,888 --> 00:13:45,158
So, please, you were, um,
complaining about
296
00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:47,860
your mother giving you
unconditional love.
297
00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:49,228
Go ahead.
298
00:13:51,097 --> 00:13:54,000
Yeah, okay, so...
299
00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:55,802
'Cause I do want
to talk about it.
300
00:13:55,902 --> 00:13:57,470
- Okay.
- (groans) Okay.
301
00:13:57,570 --> 00:14:01,975
So, my mom, I write to her,
"What was up with that post?"
302
00:14:02,075 --> 00:14:03,543
And then she writes,
303
00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:05,778
"You mean the post
about how much I love you
304
00:14:05,878 --> 00:14:07,180
and I'm living for you?"
305
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:09,782
- They both died in a fire.
- Okay.
306
00:14:09,882 --> 00:14:12,552
My parents died in a fire
that they may have started.
307
00:14:12,652 --> 00:14:14,120
I'm gonna get out of here.
308
00:14:14,220 --> 00:14:16,923
No, please, please don't.
This is your time.
309
00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:19,225
I mean, you were
already 32 minutes late.
310
00:14:19,325 --> 00:14:21,361
You have 13 minutes left,
Amy, go ahead.
311
00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:23,229
- Okay.
- Please. (sniffles)
312
00:14:23,329 --> 00:14:25,765
But you know that I had a really
good excuse for being late.
313
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:28,568
- Yes.
- It's like Time Warner does not come
314
00:14:28,668 --> 00:14:29,836
when they say
they're gonna come.
315
00:14:29,936 --> 00:14:31,638
- Okay.
- So everybody's had a hard day.
316
00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:34,540
Okay, how about I won't
talk about my parents?
317
00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:35,908
- Okay.
- Right?
318
00:14:36,009 --> 00:14:37,868
Money, I wanted to
talk to you about money.
319
00:14:37,944 --> 00:14:39,112
Oh!
320
00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:41,614
So, all of a sudden,
I have too much of it.
321
00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:44,117
And, uh, what else is going on?
322
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:45,952
I've been getting
recognized out the ass.
323
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:47,253
(chuckles)
324
00:14:47,353 --> 00:14:48,888
But this is dumb.
325
00:14:48,988 --> 00:14:50,256
No, it's not dumb.
326
00:14:50,356 --> 00:14:52,292
Your feelings are valid
and it's your feelings.
327
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:53,559
(ringtone chiming)
Please go--
328
00:14:53,660 --> 00:14:54,827
Oh, I'm sorry.
329
00:14:54,927 --> 00:14:57,463
I would normally
never answer this,
330
00:14:57,563 --> 00:14:58,965
but both my parents just died.
331
00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:00,425
They're dead.
They're dead, I know.
332
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:02,535
Hello?
333
00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:04,370
Yes?
(sighs)
334
00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:06,372
Oh, thank you so much.
335
00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:10,243
Yes, I think an evening burial
would be beautiful.
336
00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:11,944
- I'm gonna skip out.
- No.
337
00:15:12,045 --> 00:15:13,613
My mother loved the sunset.
338
00:15:13,713 --> 00:15:15,515
Mm-hmm.
339
00:15:15,548 --> 00:15:18,584
Oh, no, I didn't know.
(sniffling)
340
00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:21,254
Their dog died, too?
Scrumfy?
341
00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:23,389
Oh, God.
342
00:15:23,523 --> 00:15:25,258
No, no, no, I'll be fine.
343
00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:26,526
Thank you.
344
00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:28,828
(sobbing)
Oh, God.
345
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:30,563
What was that about?
346
00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:32,532
(deep sigh)
Oh, God!
347
00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:33,833
Hey, are those ashes?
348
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:36,803
Yes, it's both of my parents
mixed together.
349
00:15:36,903 --> 00:15:41,007
And apparently now we're gonna
have to add little Scrumfy, too.
350
00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:44,811
(sobbing)
351
00:15:44,911 --> 00:15:47,113
You've got so much
on your plate right now.
352
00:15:47,213 --> 00:15:48,982
No, no, please.
I'm sorry.
353
00:15:49,082 --> 00:15:50,083
I'm better.
Now look it, see?
354
00:15:50,183 --> 00:15:51,384
I'm okay.
355
00:15:51,551 --> 00:15:55,655
So you were complaining
about being rich and popular.
356
00:15:55,755 --> 00:15:58,791
No, rich-- just rich.
I--
357
00:15:58,891 --> 00:16:01,127
Is popular the same thing
as being famous?
358
00:16:01,227 --> 00:16:02,495
I don't--
359
00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:07,367
I'm definitely gonna go.
360
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:08,968
Actually, that's a good idea.
361
00:16:09,068 --> 00:16:10,770
I think I came back
a little too soon.
362
00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:12,905
- Yeah, okay.
- Amy?
363
00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:15,408
Cherish your mom and your dad.
(fighting tears)
364
00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:17,410
- Yeah.
- Cherish your parents, Amy.
365
00:16:17,510 --> 00:16:19,145
- I will.
- (sobbing) And your dogs.
366
00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:20,513
'Cause...
(sobbing)
367
00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:23,116
Oh, here.
368
00:16:23,216 --> 00:16:24,517
(choked up)
Thank you.
369
00:16:24,584 --> 00:16:25,852
(snorting)
370
00:16:25,952 --> 00:16:27,820
(crying)
371
00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:33,059
(snorting)
Oh, God!
372
00:16:33,159 --> 00:16:34,560
You know, it takes a village.
373
00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,696
This too shall pass.
374
00:16:36,796 --> 00:16:38,865
A river runs through it.
375
00:16:38,965 --> 00:16:41,868
Shine on, you crazy diamond.
376
00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:44,604
Every rose has its thorn.
377
00:16:50,143 --> 00:16:53,747
Girl, it's gonna be
a stank night, girl!
378
00:16:54,247 --> 00:16:55,948
Yeah, I got that pad thing.
379
00:16:56,049 --> 00:16:57,583
Klonopin's spelled
with a "C," right?
380
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:01,640
- You're studying psychology?
- Mm-hmm.
381
00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:03,490
Have they taught you how
to break up with a patient?
382
00:17:03,590 --> 00:17:06,359
No, I didn't-- I always
thought it was the patient
383
00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:09,095
that breaks up with
the psychologist.
384
00:17:09,162 --> 00:17:12,098
Oh, all right, well,
maybe it's just me then.
385
00:17:12,165 --> 00:17:14,501
- Have you ever been in therapy?
- Yeah, I have, yeah.
386
00:17:14,601 --> 00:17:17,203
- Are you still?
- No, I'm not. I got out, yeah.
387
00:17:17,304 --> 00:17:18,371
- How'd you get out?
- They let me out.
388
00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:19,489
How'd they let you out?
389
00:17:19,514 --> 00:17:21,775
Uh, I kinda overcame
what I was dealing with.
390
00:17:21,875 --> 00:17:23,176
Are you sure?
391
00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:24,511
- Eh...
- Eh...
392
00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:25,745
- Not really, no.
- Yeah.
393
00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:27,113
I would never talk to you
at a cocktail party.
394
00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:28,181
I would just like be
in the corner
395
00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:29,482
playing chess on my phone.
396
00:17:29,583 --> 00:17:31,184
I like that you thought
I would go to a cocktail party.
397
00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:32,352
- Maybe.
- That sounds fun.
398
00:17:40,835 --> 00:17:43,371
So E.J.,
you are rich as (bleep).
399
00:17:43,471 --> 00:17:45,707
Yeah, I guess you can say that.
400
00:17:45,807 --> 00:17:48,176
- Your dad is Magic Johnson.
- Mm-hmm.
401
00:17:48,276 --> 00:17:49,844
When did you realize
that you were rich?
402
00:17:49,944 --> 00:17:51,346
I think I was in fifth grade
403
00:17:51,446 --> 00:17:54,916
and I asked for a Louis Vuitton
duffel bag for Christmas.
404
00:17:55,016 --> 00:17:58,353
And then I wrote a poem
about it in class.
405
00:17:58,453 --> 00:18:00,488
And then one of my teachers
was like,
406
00:18:00,588 --> 00:18:02,791
"Um, I can't allow you
to like..."
407
00:18:02,891 --> 00:18:04,092
Do this to yourself?
408
00:18:04,192 --> 00:18:06,127
"...put this poem like
on our like display board
409
00:18:06,227 --> 00:18:08,496
because like not everyone
can afford 'em."
410
00:18:08,596 --> 00:18:09,864
And I was like,
"Wait, what?"
411
00:18:09,964 --> 00:18:11,499
My fifth grade teacher,
Mrs.(beep) --
412
00:18:11,599 --> 00:18:13,301
Would have filled
that bag with batteries
413
00:18:13,401 --> 00:18:15,136
and beaten me to death with it.
414
00:18:15,236 --> 00:18:17,272
(laughs) Good lesson.
Lesson learned.
415
00:18:17,372 --> 00:18:19,741
Are you like psyched
that you're so rich?
416
00:18:19,841 --> 00:18:21,443
You know what, no,
I think that like,
417
00:18:21,543 --> 00:18:23,745
you know, it gives you like
certain privileges,
418
00:18:23,845 --> 00:18:26,381
but at the same time,
like I'm more interested
419
00:18:26,481 --> 00:18:28,416
in making my own money.
420
00:18:28,516 --> 00:18:29,617
Do you get bored?
421
00:18:29,718 --> 00:18:31,553
Are you like,
"I can have everything."
422
00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:33,755
Like, "Wah, who cares?"
423
00:18:33,855 --> 00:18:36,391
I think that I just like set
my own kinda like goals
424
00:18:36,491 --> 00:18:39,194
as opposed to just being like,
Ugh, everything is given to me
425
00:18:39,294 --> 00:18:41,062
and life is wonderful, darling.
426
00:18:41,162 --> 00:18:42,263
- Right.
- But sometimes
427
00:18:42,364 --> 00:18:44,132
you have to crack
the whip on yourself.
428
00:18:44,232 --> 00:18:45,633
Have you ever had
a punch card?
429
00:18:45,734 --> 00:18:48,603
Like, "If you get
a tenth coffee..."
430
00:18:48,636 --> 00:18:51,773
Yeah, I've gotten a punch card
from, I think it was Subway.
431
00:18:51,873 --> 00:18:53,108
- Yeah?
- A long time ago.
432
00:18:53,208 --> 00:18:54,242
Did you ever get the free sub?
433
00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:55,710
- I did.
- Nice.
434
00:18:55,810 --> 00:18:57,612
It was really exciting.
(giggling)
435
00:18:57,645 --> 00:18:58,847
I deserve this.
436
00:18:58,947 --> 00:19:01,316
- I deserve this free sandwich, thank you.
- Yeah.
437
00:19:01,416 --> 00:19:04,119
What's the most expensive item
you've ever gotten as a gift?
438
00:19:04,219 --> 00:19:05,720
Probably like an Hermes bag.
439
00:19:05,820 --> 00:19:07,389
I was saying "Hermies"
for years.
440
00:19:07,489 --> 00:19:09,023
I was like,
"I want a Hermies."
441
00:19:09,124 --> 00:19:12,227
And people were like, "I'm pretty
sure you already have that, Schumer."
442
00:19:12,327 --> 00:19:14,829
Is that the one where they
kicked Oprah out of the store?
443
00:19:14,929 --> 00:19:16,798
Yeah, I think they did
kicked her out of the store.
444
00:19:16,898 --> 00:19:20,235
Can you imagine the balls
to go up and be like--
445
00:19:20,335 --> 00:19:21,815
I'll tell you, though,
like in Europe,
446
00:19:21,836 --> 00:19:23,705
like sometimes they just don't
get it with black people.
447
00:19:23,805 --> 00:19:24,906
What do you mean?
448
00:19:25,006 --> 00:19:26,141
One time I walked into
a Louis Vuitton store,
449
00:19:26,241 --> 00:19:28,743
the wallet like drawer
was open,
450
00:19:28,843 --> 00:19:30,879
but I was like standing
next to it, looking.
451
00:19:30,979 --> 00:19:32,781
So I could have just like
reached over and grabbed one,
452
00:19:32,881 --> 00:19:35,283
by I obviously wasn't going to
do that because I have class.
453
00:19:35,383 --> 00:19:38,386
And one of the sales girls
just came around, closed it,
454
00:19:38,486 --> 00:19:40,188
locked it, and walked away.
455
00:19:40,288 --> 00:19:41,322
- You're kidding.
- Didn't ask if I needed any help.
456
00:19:41,423 --> 00:19:42,590
Oh, yeah, so much shade.
457
00:19:42,657 --> 00:19:44,617
- What did you do?
- We bought everything in the store.
458
00:19:44,626 --> 00:19:47,062
Yes!
That's what I'm talking about.
459
00:19:47,162 --> 00:19:48,963
If a waiter's rude to me,
460
00:19:49,064 --> 00:19:51,599
I will tip him
a million dollars.
461
00:19:51,666 --> 00:19:53,134
That-- is that--
Right?
462
00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:56,371
If you had no money, all the sudden,
what would you do for money?
463
00:19:56,471 --> 00:19:58,206
Um...
464
00:19:58,306 --> 00:20:00,508
- I'll tell you what I would do.
- What?
465
00:20:02,744 --> 00:20:05,313
- I would be a hooker.
- Always try new things.
466
00:20:05,413 --> 00:20:07,315
Um, can I have some money?
467
00:20:07,415 --> 00:20:08,335
Are you really in need?
468
00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:09,651
- No.
- No.
469
00:20:09,751 --> 00:20:12,353
How much money would you feel
comfortable with giving me?
470
00:20:12,454 --> 00:20:15,023
Um, I can give you like $20.
471
00:20:15,123 --> 00:20:16,257
- Really?
- Yeah.
472
00:20:16,357 --> 00:20:17,325
Can I have it?
473
00:20:17,425 --> 00:20:18,860
Well, it's like
not on me, but...
474
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:20,028
Do you have any questions
for me?
475
00:20:20,128 --> 00:20:21,162
I want to ask you
one question.
476
00:20:21,262 --> 00:20:22,902
I'll answer it if I can
wear your glasses.
477
00:20:22,997 --> 00:20:24,232
Okay.
478
00:20:25,333 --> 00:20:27,035
All right.
479
00:20:27,135 --> 00:20:29,304
You look like a sexy
like librarian.
480
00:20:29,404 --> 00:20:31,873
I look like Mr., um, Magoo.
481
00:20:31,973 --> 00:20:33,641
So where do you see yourself
in ten years?
482
00:20:33,742 --> 00:20:36,010
Dead.
483
00:20:36,111 --> 00:20:38,413
I believe that.
(laughing)
484
00:20:38,437 --> 00:20:41,237
Sync & corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
485
00:20:41,383 --> 00:20:44,786
- You ever been to the Konk?
- Mmm!
486
00:20:44,886 --> 00:20:47,455
You're a (bleep) asshole.
Did Kim say to say that?
487
00:20:47,589 --> 00:20:48,656
Did Kim say to say that?
488
00:20:48,757 --> 00:20:49,824
(Amy)
So easy.
489
00:20:49,924 --> 00:20:51,192
(man)
Mmm, magic.
490
00:20:52,861 --> 00:20:56,898
My mother is dead
And my father is dead
491
00:20:56,998 --> 00:21:02,437
And my brother and sister
And friends and cousins
492
00:21:02,537 --> 00:21:05,573
And acquaintances are dead
493
00:21:05,673 --> 00:21:07,674
(vocalizing)
494
00:21:07,724 --> 00:21:12,274
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
35161
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.