Original subtitles

(sirens wailing)

(screaming)

(announcer) Introducing Dye Another Day,

Squ'Oreal's new hair color for women on the run.

Because I'm worth it. (gunshots)

(bleep)!

(sirens wailing) (dogs barking)

(announcer) Dye Another Day, now with a free gauze bandage!

Sync & corrections by XhmikosR www.addic7ed.com

I know what you're all thinking right now.

You're like, "How do we date you?"

Um...

Well, you can't. You can't.

And not 'cause I'm not totally out of the woods with this UTI,

but also... (audience laughing)

I'm not on any dating sites.

Like I feel like you're just not allowed to do that

if you've ever been on television, for some reason.

People are like, "Oh, my God, that's so (bleep) sad."

And you're like, "You're right. I should die alone."

Um...

I was gonna get eyelash extensions,

but then I did get those Uggs that I've been eyeing.

- Oh, okay. - YOLO.

All right, yeah. I guess so.

Um, hey, I'm gonna go get another drink from the bar.

You want anything?

Ooh, yeah, would you get me a Mexican Russian mojito bomb?

Babe, those take forever to make.

Why don't you just get a glass of wine or something?

No, please, babe!

Okay, oh, yeah. Okay.

(kisses) All right.

- A skinny-girl one. - Okay.

- Hey. - Hi, how you doing?

- Nice party, huh? - Yeah.

- Ooh, I like your shirt. - It's ironic.

- Right. - Right?

That is ironic.

- So how do you know Glen? - Oh, um, I don't know Glen.

He was my boyfriend's roommate in college.

Okay, you don't have to slip in that you have a boyfriend, okay?

I was just making casual conversation, all right?

You're just a four. Wow.

I wasn't even making...

- Sorry. Excuse me. - No, no, no, no. You're fine.

I haven't even had enough drinks to be stumbling.

Which is a sign I should probably get another one.

Yeah, I hear you. (chuckles)

Can I get you something?

Oh, no, no, no. My boyfriend's grabbing me one.

Wow, you're arrogant.

I was just trying to be nice.

You don't have to cram in that you have a boyfriend.

No, I wasn't doing that.

I only sleep with Asian girls.

Pretty arrogant.

For a three.

I'm a four.

Looks like you don't know too many people here either, huh?

Oh, no, I just...

(mouthing)

No. (chuckles)

- Where are you from? - Long Island.

- Ooh, Long Island, that's cool. - Yeah.

Can I get you a drink?

No, I-- I'm...

- Yeah, that'd be great. - Yeah?

- What do you want? - White wine.

- Oh, I'll be right back. - Thank you.

- Here. - Oh, wow.

- That was easy. - (chuckles) Yeah.

This poor schmuck over there is waiting

for this like insanely complicated drink

that you have to like harvest a field to make.

Oh, my God. (laughing)

What kind of a piece of shit

wants a really refreshing drink like that?

(both laughing)

So what town are you from?

I'm from Ronkonkoma. You ever been to the Konk?

Oh, my God, you're amazing.

- I'm so glad you were at that party. - Mmm.

How do you know Glen?

I can't remember.

I'm having an orgasm right now.

- Oh! - Yeah.

Okay, yeah, go!

(laughs) Oh, my God, yeah!

Boyfriend, I have a boyfriend.

Hey, Henry?!

And cup of cocoa with an extra marshmallow for my best girl.

What's up?

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

(cups clank)

(slurping)

Okay, I feel like I have to tell you something.

Remember the night you met me at that party?

I was by myself.

I have, um--

Let me stop you right there.

Because you will never be by yourself again.

What? What are you doing?

Will you marry me?

Oh, my God. (violin playing)

Um...

Yep.

She said yep! She said yep!

(laughing) Yes!

I will.

Oh, you've made me the happiest man in Ronkonkoma.

(monitor beeping)

Henry, I have to tell you something.

I have a boyfriend.

Ever since we met, that party,

he was getting me a drink and it took too long.

God, I just didn't want to be arrogant

and slip in that I had a boyfriend.

I tried to tell you after Bennett was born,

but by then, super weird.

Wow.

Slow your roll, asshole.

I was never interested in you anyway 'cause I'm gay, P.S.

- What?! - I just needed a beard

so I could keep my job at Halliburton.

Arrogant.

(flatlining beep)

(ringtone chiming)

Ooh!

- (groans) Oh! - There she is.

Baby, I missed you so much.

- Mwah. - Mwah.

Sorry things got so out of hand at that party.

They were out of Malibu so I got you some well rum.

Oh, I don't want this.

Oh, can I just have a mudslide instead?

Please?

Well rum?

Did you ever tell someone you had a boyfriend like too soon

and they were like, "I wasn't even..."?

- Yes. - What happened?

The guy was like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, it's okay.

That's not where I'm trying to go with this."

- Did you believe him? - No.

No way.

You're like, "Your hand's on my thigh, sir."

(bell dinging on door)

(steam hissing)

(bell dinging on door)

(steam hissing)

(bell dinging on door)

(steam hissing)

(bell dinging on door)

(steam hissing)

(bell dinging on door)

(sizzling)

(bell dinging on door)

(steam hissing)

(bell dinging on door)

(steam hissing)

(sighing)

(steam hissing)

(bell dinging on door)

(steam hissing)

(music stops)

(steam hissing)

(bell dinging on door)

(steam hissing)

Have you ever had a barista make a fancy design

in the foam of your coffee?

I have, yes.

- Did you read into it? - No.

- Yeah, me neither. - No.

(announcer) Amy was just a regular ordinary girl

in the kingdom of Agribar.

I am a rancid peasant girl...

(announcer) Until one day, her most impossible dreams came true.

(fanfare)

Amy, I'm Willenby, your royal attach?.

It's time you knew the truth.

You're not a disgusting, filthy commoner at all.

- You're a princess! - A princess?

Me?!

Oh!

(announcer) And now her life is going to change.

I'm a real princess.

I could get used to this

I deserve this castle

And now it's time to greet your prince.

My prince?

But of course, every princess must marry a dashing prince.

Would you like to meet him?

(bleep) yeah, Willenby!

(announcer) Watch as Amy leaves her humdrum life behind

and learns the ways of royalty.

Presenting Her Royal Highness, Princess Amy!

(record scratching effect)

Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's that dude?

Most certainly.

Your marriage will legalize the alliance between our kingdoms.

Yeah, but like I thought, 'cause I'm the princess,

I could, you know, like pick whoever I want.

(chuckles) Oh, heavens no.

We must maintain the purity of the royal bloodline.

Prince Gilligan here is actually your first cousin.

Yeah, but like that doesn't seem cool.

Guess what, I'm not into you either, bitch.

(announcer) Behold the enchanting romance.

Hey, thank you for swinging by.

Turns out I'm not really comfortable

sleeping with a close relative.

And also, I just turned 14.

According to your lunar cycle,

now is the optimal time to conceive.

- You're tracking my periods? - Of course.

Incubating a prince is literally your only role.

But won't the baby be all like...

Like jacked up?

As sure is my name is Willenby.

But Willenby!

Now!

(announcer) Sure, not everything about being a princess is a piece of cake.

Princess Amy,

for the crime of producing only female offspring,

you are hereby sentenced to death.

(crying) Stop the execution!

Oh, thank God!

I knew the prince would change his mind.

No, he was assassinated by his own guards.

But either way, you're free.

(laughing) Thank you!

(whispering) Thank you!

Apologies, Your Highness.

The commoners have revolted and are demanding your stupid head.

- Kill her! - Oh, come on!

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm finally in a place

where I've accepted my body as being awesome.

And now I just kind of can't stop masturbating.

'Cause it's not a problem. Like I don't mind it.

I just thought that that would be something

that you would kinda like dig hearing about.

'Cause that's like a behavioral...

Are you okay?

I'm fine. Go on.

Okay, cool, 'cause I wanted to tell you

about this unbearable poem

that my mom posted on my Facebook wall.

Like where she knows everyone will see it.

(snorting)

Did I say something?

No, it's just...

Actually, there is something wrong.

Probably wondering why I canceled

on the last two appointments with you.

No, I just assumed you were having an abortion.

That's why I canceled.

Or why I'm dressed like this right now?

I love your whole like sad Stevie Nicks look.

I-- I really don't want to violate the whole doctor-patient,

"you don't tell me anything and I just talk" thing.

Okay, so my mom's cooze of a poem--

This is how it starts--

"My sacred daughter, my reason for living..."

Amy, both my parents died. (snorting)

Oh, my God, are they okay?

No, they're dead.

Yeah, but you know what I mean.

It's just like an expression.

Okay, well, I'm gonna go.

No, Amy, please don't, really.

Just-- I need to be back at work, I do.

I'm sorry. Please go ahead, Amy.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

Maybe you need some time to like process

or heal or other words you tell me?

- No, no, I'm-- - Narcissist?

When I have time alone,

I can't stop thinking about how they died.

So, please, you were, um, complaining about

your mother giving you unconditional love.

Go ahead.

Yeah, okay, so...

'Cause I do want to talk about it.

- Okay. - (groans) Okay.

So, my mom, I write to her, "What was up with that post?"

And then she writes,

"You mean the post about how much I love you

and I'm living for you?"

- They both died in a fire. - Okay.

My parents died in a fire that they may have started.

I'm gonna get out of here.

No, please, please don't. This is your time.

I mean, you were already 32 minutes late.

You have 13 minutes left, Amy, go ahead.

- Okay. - Please. (sniffles)

But you know that I had a really good excuse for being late.

- Yes. - It's like Time Warner does not come

when they say they're gonna come.

- Okay. - So everybody's had a hard day.

Okay, how about I won't talk about my parents?

- Okay. - Right?

Money, I wanted to talk to you about money.

Oh!

So, all of a sudden, I have too much of it.

And, uh, what else is going on?

I've been getting recognized out the ass.

(chuckles)

But this is dumb.

No, it's not dumb.

Your feelings are valid and it's your feelings.

(ringtone chiming) Please go--

Oh, I'm sorry.

I would normally never answer this,

but both my parents just died.

They're dead. They're dead, I know.

Hello?

Yes? (sighs)

Oh, thank you so much.

Yes, I think an evening burial would be beautiful.

- I'm gonna skip out. - No.

My mother loved the sunset.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, no, I didn't know. (sniffling)

Their dog died, too? Scrumfy?

Oh, God.

No, no, no, I'll be fine.

Thank you.

(sobbing) Oh, God.

What was that about?

(deep sigh) Oh, God!

Hey, are those ashes?

Yes, it's both of my parents mixed together.

And apparently now we're gonna have to add little Scrumfy, too.

(sobbing)

You've got so much on your plate right now.

No, no, please. I'm sorry.

I'm better. Now look it, see?

I'm okay.

So you were complaining about being rich and popular.

No, rich-- just rich. I--

Is popular the same thing as being famous?

I don't--

I'm definitely gonna go.

Actually, that's a good idea.

I think I came back a little too soon.

- Yeah, okay. - Amy?

Cherish your mom and your dad. (fighting tears)

- Yeah. - Cherish your parents, Amy.

- I will. - (sobbing) And your dogs.

'Cause... (sobbing)

Oh, here.

(choked up) Thank you.

(snorting)

(crying)

(snorting) Oh, God!

You know, it takes a village.

This too shall pass.

A river runs through it.

Shine on, you crazy diamond.

Every rose has its thorn.

Girl, it's gonna be a stank night, girl!

Yeah, I got that pad thing.

Klonopin's spelled with a "C," right?

- You're studying psychology? - Mm-hmm.

Have they taught you how to break up with a patient?

No, I didn't-- I always thought it was the patient

that breaks up with the psychologist.

Oh, all right, well, maybe it's just me then.

- Have you ever been in therapy? - Yeah, I have, yeah.

- Are you still? - No, I'm not. I got out, yeah.

- How'd you get out? - They let me out.

How'd they let you out?

Uh, I kinda overcame what I was dealing with.

Are you sure?

- Eh... - Eh...

- Not really, no. - Yeah.

I would never talk to you at a cocktail party.

I would just like be in the corner

playing chess on my phone.

I like that you thought I would go to a cocktail party.

- Maybe. - That sounds fun.

So E.J., you are rich as (bleep).

Yeah, I guess you can say that.

- Your dad is Magic Johnson. - Mm-hmm.

When did you realize that you were rich?

I think I was in fifth grade

and I asked for a Louis Vuitton duffel bag for Christmas.

And then I wrote a poem about it in class.

And then one of my teachers was like,

"Um, I can't allow you to like..."

Do this to yourself?

"...put this poem like on our like display board

because like not everyone can afford 'em."

And I was like, "Wait, what?"

My fifth grade teacher, Mrs.(beep) --

Would have filled that bag with batteries

and beaten me to death with it.

(laughs) Good lesson. Lesson learned.

Are you like psyched that you're so rich?

You know what, no, I think that like,

you know, it gives you like certain privileges,

but at the same time, like I'm more interested

in making my own money.

Do you get bored?

Are you like, "I can have everything."

Like, "Wah, who cares?"

I think that I just like set my own kinda like goals

as opposed to just being like, Ugh, everything is given to me

and life is wonderful, darling.

- Right. - But sometimes

you have to crack the whip on yourself.

Have you ever had a punch card?

Like, "If you get a tenth coffee..."

Yeah, I've gotten a punch card from, I think it was Subway.

- Yeah? - A long time ago.

Did you ever get the free sub?

- I did. - Nice.

It was really exciting. (giggling)

I deserve this.

- I deserve this free sandwich, thank you. - Yeah.

What's the most expensive item you've ever gotten as a gift?

Probably like an Hermes bag.

I was saying "Hermies" for years.

I was like, "I want a Hermies."

And people were like, "I'm pretty sure you already have that, Schumer."

Is that the one where they kicked Oprah out of the store?

Yeah, I think they did kicked her out of the store.

Can you imagine the balls to go up and be like--

I'll tell you, though, like in Europe,

like sometimes they just don't get it with black people.

What do you mean?

One time I walked into a Louis Vuitton store,

the wallet like drawer was open,

but I was like standing next to it, looking.

So I could have just like reached over and grabbed one,

by I obviously wasn't going to do that because I have class.

And one of the sales girls just came around, closed it,

locked it, and walked away.

- You're kidding. - Didn't ask if I needed any help.

Oh, yeah, so much shade.

- What did you do? - We bought everything in the store.

Yes! That's what I'm talking about.

If a waiter's rude to me,

I will tip him a million dollars.

That-- is that-- Right?

If you had no money, all the sudden, what would you do for money?

Um...

- I'll tell you what I would do. - What?

- I would be a hooker. - Always try new things.

Um, can I have some money?

Are you really in need?

- No. - No.

How much money would you feel comfortable with giving me?

Um, I can give you like $20.

- Really? - Yeah.

Can I have it?

Well, it's like not on me, but...

Do you have any questions for me?

I want to ask you one question.

I'll answer it if I can wear your glasses.

Okay.

All right.

You look like a sexy like librarian.

I look like Mr., um, Magoo.

So where do you see yourself in ten years?

Dead.

I believe that. (laughing)

Sync & corrections by XhmikosR www.addic7ed.com

- You ever been to the Konk? - Mmm!

You're a (bleep) asshole. Did Kim say to say that?

Did Kim say to say that?

(Amy) So easy.

(man) Mmm, magic.

My mother is dead And my father is dead

And my brother and sister And friends and cousins

And acquaintances are dead

(vocalizing)

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