All language subtitles for Inside Amy Schumer s03e08 Foam.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,101 --> 00:00:02,636 (sirens wailing) 2 00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:12,913 (screaming) 3 00:00:22,923 --> 00:00:25,359 (announcer) Introducing Dye Another Day, 4 00:00:25,459 --> 00:00:28,128 Squ'Oreal's new hair color for women on the run. 5 00:00:28,228 --> 00:00:29,468 Because I'm worth it. (gunshots) 6 00:00:29,563 --> 00:00:30,464 (bleep)! 7 00:00:30,564 --> 00:00:32,966 (sirens wailing) (dogs barking) 8 00:00:34,134 --> 00:00:37,171 (announcer) Dye Another Day, now with a free gauze bandage! 9 00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:41,208 10 00:00:41,432 --> 00:00:47,232 Sync & corrections by XhmikosR www.addic7ed.com 11 00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:48,782 I know what you're all thinking right now. 12 00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:50,450 You're like, "How do we date you?" 13 00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,286 Um... 14 00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:53,987 Well, you can't. You can't. 15 00:00:54,087 --> 00:00:56,857 And not 'cause I'm not totally out of the woods with this UTI, 16 00:00:56,957 --> 00:01:00,093 but also... (audience laughing) 17 00:01:00,194 --> 00:01:01,461 I'm not on any dating sites. 18 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:03,630 Like I feel like you're just not allowed to do that 19 00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:05,299 if you've ever been on television, for some reason. 20 00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:07,100 People are like, "Oh, my God, that's so (bleep) sad." 21 00:01:07,201 --> 00:01:08,635 And you're like, "You're right. I should die alone." 22 00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:09,903 Um... 23 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:12,873 24 00:01:12,973 --> 00:01:15,075 I was gonna get eyelash extensions, 25 00:01:15,175 --> 00:01:17,215 but then I did get those Uggs that I've been eyeing. 26 00:01:17,277 --> 00:01:18,645 - Oh, okay. - YOLO. 27 00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:20,247 All right, yeah. I guess so. 28 00:01:20,347 --> 00:01:22,616 Um, hey, I'm gonna go get another drink from the bar. 29 00:01:22,716 --> 00:01:24,084 You want anything? 30 00:01:24,151 --> 00:01:26,486 Ooh, yeah, would you get me a Mexican Russian mojito bomb? 31 00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:28,622 Babe, those take forever to make. 32 00:01:28,722 --> 00:01:30,490 Why don't you just get a glass of wine or something? 33 00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:31,758 No, please, babe! 34 00:01:31,859 --> 00:01:32,759 Okay, oh, yeah. Okay. 35 00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:34,194 (kisses) All right. 36 00:01:34,294 --> 00:01:35,495 - A skinny-girl one. - Okay. 37 00:01:39,333 --> 00:01:41,101 - Hey. - Hi, how you doing? 38 00:01:41,168 --> 00:01:42,903 - Nice party, huh? - Yeah. 39 00:01:43,003 --> 00:01:44,905 - Ooh, I like your shirt. - It's ironic. 40 00:01:44,930 --> 00:01:45,954 - Right. - Right? 41 00:01:45,979 --> 00:01:46,964 That is ironic. 42 00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:49,977 - So how do you know Glen? - Oh, um, I don't know Glen. 43 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:51,912 He was my boyfriend's roommate in college. 44 00:01:52,012 --> 00:01:54,381 Okay, you don't have to slip in that you have a boyfriend, okay? 45 00:01:54,481 --> 00:01:57,918 I was just making casual conversation, all right? 46 00:01:58,018 --> 00:02:00,220 You're just a four. Wow. 47 00:02:01,421 --> 00:02:03,256 I wasn't even making... 48 00:02:04,558 --> 00:02:06,593 - Sorry. Excuse me. - No, no, no, no. You're fine. 49 00:02:06,693 --> 00:02:09,429 I haven't even had enough drinks to be stumbling. 50 00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:11,231 Which is a sign I should probably get another one. 51 00:02:11,331 --> 00:02:12,766 Yeah, I hear you. (chuckles) 52 00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,067 Can I get you something? 53 00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:17,070 Oh, no, no, no. My boyfriend's grabbing me one. 54 00:02:17,104 --> 00:02:18,639 Wow, you're arrogant. 55 00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:20,307 I was just trying to be nice. 56 00:02:20,407 --> 00:02:22,109 You don't have to cram in that you have a boyfriend. 57 00:02:22,209 --> 00:02:23,243 No, I wasn't doing that. 58 00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:25,345 I only sleep with Asian girls. 59 00:02:25,445 --> 00:02:26,613 Pretty arrogant. 60 00:02:26,713 --> 00:02:27,948 For a three. 61 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:31,585 I'm a four. 62 00:02:37,124 --> 00:02:39,159 Looks like you don't know too many people here either, huh? 63 00:02:39,259 --> 00:02:41,328 Oh, no, I just... 64 00:02:41,428 --> 00:02:42,729 (mouthing) 65 00:02:44,231 --> 00:02:45,566 No. (chuckles) 66 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:47,334 - Where are you from? - Long Island. 67 00:02:47,434 --> 00:02:50,404 - Ooh, Long Island, that's cool. - Yeah. 68 00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:53,273 Can I get you a drink? 69 00:02:53,373 --> 00:02:54,942 No, I-- I'm... 70 00:02:56,777 --> 00:02:58,512 - Yeah, that'd be great. - Yeah? 71 00:02:58,612 --> 00:02:59,780 - What do you want? - White wine. 72 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:02,182 - Oh, I'll be right back. - Thank you. 73 00:03:04,084 --> 00:03:05,519 - Here. - Oh, wow. 74 00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:06,653 - That was easy. - (chuckles) Yeah. 75 00:03:06,753 --> 00:03:08,055 This poor schmuck over there is waiting 76 00:03:08,121 --> 00:03:09,957 for this like insanely complicated drink 77 00:03:10,057 --> 00:03:12,125 that you have to like harvest a field to make. 78 00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:13,293 Oh, my God. (laughing) 79 00:03:13,393 --> 00:03:14,795 What kind of a piece of shit 80 00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:16,797 wants a really refreshing drink like that? 81 00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:18,365 (both laughing) 82 00:03:18,465 --> 00:03:19,666 So what town are you from? 83 00:03:19,766 --> 00:03:22,102 I'm from Ronkonkoma. You ever been to the Konk? 84 00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,671 Oh, my God, you're amazing. 85 00:03:24,771 --> 00:03:26,673 - I'm so glad you were at that party. - Mmm. 86 00:03:26,773 --> 00:03:28,375 How do you know Glen? 87 00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:30,344 I can't remember. 88 00:03:30,444 --> 00:03:33,213 I'm having an orgasm right now. 89 00:03:33,313 --> 00:03:34,515 - Oh! - Yeah. 90 00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:36,116 Okay, yeah, go! 91 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:37,851 (laughs) Oh, my God, yeah! 92 00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:39,653 93 00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:42,756 Boyfriend, I have a boyfriend. 94 00:03:44,291 --> 00:03:45,659 Hey, Henry?! 95 00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:50,297 And cup of cocoa with an extra marshmallow for my best girl. 96 00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,233 What's up? 97 00:03:53,333 --> 00:03:56,336 - Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas. 98 00:03:56,436 --> 00:03:57,771 (cups clank) 99 00:03:57,871 --> 00:03:59,173 (slurping) 100 00:03:59,273 --> 00:04:01,241 Okay, I feel like I have to tell you something. 101 00:04:01,341 --> 00:04:03,210 Remember the night you met me at that party? 102 00:04:03,310 --> 00:04:05,712 I was by myself. 103 00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:07,214 I have, um-- 104 00:04:07,314 --> 00:04:08,434 Let me stop you right there. 105 00:04:08,448 --> 00:04:12,419 Because you will never be by yourself again. 106 00:04:12,519 --> 00:04:14,054 What? What are you doing? 107 00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:15,956 Will you marry me? 108 00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:17,558 Oh, my God. (violin playing) 109 00:04:17,658 --> 00:04:18,759 Um... 110 00:04:21,828 --> 00:04:23,096 Yep. 111 00:04:23,197 --> 00:04:25,499 She said yep! She said yep! 112 00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,100 (laughing) Yes! 113 00:04:27,201 --> 00:04:28,635 I will. 114 00:04:28,735 --> 00:04:31,438 Oh, you've made me the happiest man in Ronkonkoma. 115 00:04:31,538 --> 00:04:32,906 (monitor beeping) 116 00:04:33,073 --> 00:04:37,077 Henry, I have to tell you something. 117 00:04:39,913 --> 00:04:41,815 I have a boyfriend. 118 00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:45,219 Ever since we met, that party, 119 00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:48,722 he was getting me a drink and it took too long. 120 00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:50,891 God, I just didn't want to be arrogant 121 00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:53,660 and slip in that I had a boyfriend. 122 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:57,497 I tried to tell you after Bennett was born, 123 00:04:57,598 --> 00:05:00,434 but by then, super weird. 124 00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:02,803 Wow. 125 00:05:02,903 --> 00:05:06,039 Slow your roll, asshole. 126 00:05:06,073 --> 00:05:10,277 I was never interested in you anyway 'cause I'm gay, P.S. 127 00:05:10,377 --> 00:05:13,747 - What?! - I just needed a beard 128 00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:18,285 so I could keep my job at Halliburton. 129 00:05:18,385 --> 00:05:20,153 Arrogant. 130 00:05:20,254 --> 00:05:21,722 (flatlining beep) 131 00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:24,791 (ringtone chiming) 132 00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:28,595 Ooh! 133 00:05:31,465 --> 00:05:32,666 - (groans) Oh! - There she is. 134 00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:34,334 Baby, I missed you so much. 135 00:05:34,434 --> 00:05:35,469 - Mwah. - Mwah. 136 00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:37,938 Sorry things got so out of hand at that party. 137 00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:40,274 They were out of Malibu so I got you some well rum. 138 00:05:40,374 --> 00:05:43,577 Oh, I don't want this. 139 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,213 Oh, can I just have a mudslide instead? 140 00:05:46,313 --> 00:05:47,748 Please? 141 00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:49,950 Well rum? 142 00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:55,088 Did you ever tell someone you had a boyfriend like too soon 143 00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:56,723 and they were like, "I wasn't even..."? 144 00:05:56,823 --> 00:05:59,126 - Yes. - What happened? 145 00:05:59,226 --> 00:06:01,395 The guy was like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, it's okay. 146 00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:03,030 That's not where I'm trying to go with this." 147 00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:04,565 - Did you believe him? - No. 148 00:06:04,665 --> 00:06:06,266 No way. 149 00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,502 You're like, "Your hand's on my thigh, sir." 150 00:06:15,083 --> 00:06:18,887 151 00:06:18,987 --> 00:06:19,988 (bell dinging on door) 152 00:06:21,256 --> 00:06:22,758 (steam hissing) 153 00:06:35,804 --> 00:06:37,372 (bell dinging on door) 154 00:06:37,472 --> 00:06:39,207 (steam hissing) 155 00:06:40,809 --> 00:06:44,646 156 00:06:47,082 --> 00:06:48,216 (bell dinging on door) 157 00:06:49,418 --> 00:06:50,852 (steam hissing) 158 00:06:53,322 --> 00:06:56,291 159 00:06:57,993 --> 00:06:59,428 (bell dinging on door) 160 00:07:00,596 --> 00:07:02,197 (steam hissing) 161 00:07:07,436 --> 00:07:10,372 162 00:07:20,249 --> 00:07:21,683 (bell dinging on door) 163 00:07:21,783 --> 00:07:23,619 164 00:07:30,192 --> 00:07:33,495 165 00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:39,234 (sizzling) 166 00:07:45,507 --> 00:07:46,942 (bell dinging on door) 167 00:07:47,042 --> 00:07:48,143 (steam hissing) 168 00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:56,385 169 00:07:58,420 --> 00:07:59,855 (bell dinging on door) 170 00:07:59,955 --> 00:08:02,157 171 00:08:02,257 --> 00:08:03,692 (steam hissing) 172 00:08:06,628 --> 00:08:07,930 (sighing) 173 00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:10,565 174 00:08:15,704 --> 00:08:17,205 (steam hissing) 175 00:08:22,978 --> 00:08:24,479 (bell dinging on door) 176 00:08:24,513 --> 00:08:25,781 (steam hissing) 177 00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:34,323 (music stops) 178 00:08:34,489 --> 00:08:36,592 (steam hissing) 179 00:08:36,692 --> 00:08:37,926 180 00:08:38,026 --> 00:08:38,961 (bell dinging on door) 181 00:08:39,061 --> 00:08:40,996 (steam hissing) 182 00:08:41,096 --> 00:08:44,066 183 00:09:08,790 --> 00:09:10,630 Have you ever had a barista make a fancy design 184 00:09:10,692 --> 00:09:11,860 in the foam of your coffee? 185 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,595 I have, yes. 186 00:09:13,695 --> 00:09:15,964 - Did you read into it? - No. 187 00:09:16,064 --> 00:09:17,866 - Yeah, me neither. - No. 188 00:09:20,803 --> 00:09:22,571 189 00:09:22,671 --> 00:09:25,441 (announcer) Amy was just a regular ordinary girl 190 00:09:25,541 --> 00:09:27,309 in the kingdom of Agribar. 191 00:09:27,409 --> 00:09:31,413 I am a rancid peasant girl... 192 00:09:31,513 --> 00:09:35,451 (announcer) Until one day, her most impossible dreams came true. 193 00:09:35,551 --> 00:09:37,086 (fanfare) 194 00:09:37,186 --> 00:09:40,522 Amy, I'm Willenby, your royal attach?. 195 00:09:40,623 --> 00:09:42,658 It's time you knew the truth. 196 00:09:42,758 --> 00:09:45,828 You're not a disgusting, filthy commoner at all. 197 00:09:45,928 --> 00:09:49,498 - You're a princess! - A princess? 198 00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:51,700 Me?! 199 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,202 Oh! 200 00:09:53,268 --> 00:09:56,305 (announcer) And now her life is going to change. 201 00:09:56,405 --> 00:09:58,974 I'm a real princess. 202 00:09:59,074 --> 00:10:02,378 I could get used to this 203 00:10:02,478 --> 00:10:05,047 I deserve this castle 204 00:10:05,214 --> 00:10:08,217 And now it's time to greet your prince. 205 00:10:08,284 --> 00:10:09,785 My prince? 206 00:10:09,885 --> 00:10:12,855 But of course, every princess must marry a dashing prince. 207 00:10:12,955 --> 00:10:14,156 Would you like to meet him? 208 00:10:14,256 --> 00:10:15,791 (bleep) yeah, Willenby! 209 00:10:15,891 --> 00:10:18,927 (announcer) Watch as Amy leaves her humdrum life behind 210 00:10:19,028 --> 00:10:21,530 and learns the ways of royalty. 211 00:10:21,630 --> 00:10:25,701 Presenting Her Royal Highness, Princess Amy! 212 00:10:25,801 --> 00:10:28,504 213 00:10:30,406 --> 00:10:31,446 (record scratching effect) 214 00:10:31,540 --> 00:10:32,975 Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's that dude? 215 00:10:33,075 --> 00:10:34,243 Most certainly. 216 00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:37,579 Your marriage will legalize the alliance between our kingdoms. 217 00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:40,449 Yeah, but like I thought, 'cause I'm the princess, 218 00:10:40,549 --> 00:10:42,351 I could, you know, like pick whoever I want. 219 00:10:42,451 --> 00:10:43,919 (chuckles) Oh, heavens no. 220 00:10:44,019 --> 00:10:46,455 We must maintain the purity of the royal bloodline. 221 00:10:46,555 --> 00:10:49,325 Prince Gilligan here is actually your first cousin. 222 00:10:49,425 --> 00:10:52,227 Yeah, but like that doesn't seem cool. 223 00:10:52,328 --> 00:10:55,497 Guess what, I'm not into you either, bitch. 224 00:10:55,597 --> 00:10:57,933 (announcer) Behold the enchanting romance. 225 00:11:00,235 --> 00:11:01,870 Hey, thank you for swinging by. 226 00:11:01,971 --> 00:11:03,772 Turns out I'm not really comfortable 227 00:11:03,872 --> 00:11:05,641 sleeping with a close relative. 228 00:11:05,741 --> 00:11:07,743 And also, I just turned 14. 229 00:11:07,843 --> 00:11:09,878 According to your lunar cycle, 230 00:11:09,979 --> 00:11:12,481 now is the optimal time to conceive. 231 00:11:12,581 --> 00:11:14,917 - You're tracking my periods? - Of course. 232 00:11:15,017 --> 00:11:17,653 Incubating a prince is literally your only role. 233 00:11:17,753 --> 00:11:19,655 But won't the baby be all like... 234 00:11:19,755 --> 00:11:20,956 Like jacked up? 235 00:11:21,056 --> 00:11:23,192 As sure is my name is Willenby. 236 00:11:23,292 --> 00:11:25,327 But Willenby! 237 00:11:25,427 --> 00:11:27,262 Now! 238 00:11:27,363 --> 00:11:31,333 (announcer) Sure, not everything about being a princess is a piece of cake. 239 00:11:31,433 --> 00:11:32,635 Princess Amy, 240 00:11:32,735 --> 00:11:36,472 for the crime of producing only female offspring, 241 00:11:36,572 --> 00:11:38,340 you are hereby sentenced to death. 242 00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,542 (crying) Stop the execution! 243 00:11:40,643 --> 00:11:41,944 Oh, thank God! 244 00:11:42,044 --> 00:11:44,613 I knew the prince would change his mind. 245 00:11:44,713 --> 00:11:46,749 No, he was assassinated by his own guards. 246 00:11:46,849 --> 00:11:48,651 But either way, you're free. 247 00:11:48,751 --> 00:11:50,552 (laughing) Thank you! 248 00:11:50,653 --> 00:11:53,222 (whispering) Thank you! 249 00:11:53,322 --> 00:11:55,190 Apologies, Your Highness. 250 00:11:55,224 --> 00:11:58,761 The commoners have revolted and are demanding your stupid head. 251 00:11:58,861 --> 00:12:01,363 - Kill her! - Oh, come on! 252 00:12:04,290 --> 00:12:07,293 I guess what I'm saying is that I'm finally in a place 253 00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:10,997 where I've accepted my body as being awesome. 254 00:12:11,097 --> 00:12:14,400 And now I just kind of can't stop masturbating. 255 00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:16,002 'Cause it's not a problem. Like I don't mind it. 256 00:12:16,102 --> 00:12:17,337 I just thought that that would be something 257 00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:18,972 that you would kinda like dig hearing about. 258 00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,573 'Cause that's like a behavioral... 259 00:12:20,673 --> 00:12:22,909 Are you okay? 260 00:12:23,009 --> 00:12:24,477 I'm fine. Go on. 261 00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:26,279 Okay, cool, 'cause I wanted to tell you 262 00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:28,281 about this unbearable poem 263 00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:31,117 that my mom posted on my Facebook wall. 264 00:12:31,217 --> 00:12:32,952 Like where she knows everyone will see it. 265 00:12:33,052 --> 00:12:34,754 (snorting) 266 00:12:34,854 --> 00:12:35,989 Did I say something? 267 00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:37,390 No, it's just... 268 00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:39,726 Actually, there is something wrong. 269 00:12:39,826 --> 00:12:41,461 Probably wondering why I canceled 270 00:12:41,561 --> 00:12:44,430 on the last two appointments with you. 271 00:12:44,530 --> 00:12:47,266 No, I just assumed you were having an abortion. 272 00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:48,601 That's why I canceled. 273 00:12:48,701 --> 00:12:51,070 Or why I'm dressed like this right now? 274 00:12:51,170 --> 00:12:53,106 I love your whole like sad Stevie Nicks look. 275 00:12:53,206 --> 00:12:56,376 I-- I really don't want to violate the whole doctor-patient, 276 00:12:56,476 --> 00:12:59,545 "you don't tell me anything and I just talk" thing. 277 00:12:59,646 --> 00:13:01,914 Okay, so my mom's cooze of a poem-- 278 00:13:02,015 --> 00:13:03,216 This is how it starts-- 279 00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:06,853 "My sacred daughter, my reason for living..." 280 00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:09,289 Amy, both my parents died. (snorting) 281 00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:11,524 Oh, my God, are they okay? 282 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:14,527 No, they're dead. 283 00:13:14,594 --> 00:13:15,827 Yeah, but you know what I mean. 284 00:13:15,828 --> 00:13:17,930 It's just like an expression. 285 00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:20,767 Okay, well, I'm gonna go. 286 00:13:20,867 --> 00:13:22,802 No, Amy, please don't, really. 287 00:13:22,902 --> 00:13:25,538 Just-- I need to be back at work, I do. 288 00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:27,540 I'm sorry. Please go ahead, Amy. 289 00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:28,808 - Are you sure? - Yeah. 290 00:13:28,908 --> 00:13:30,843 Maybe you need some time to like process 291 00:13:30,943 --> 00:13:33,379 or heal or other words you tell me? 292 00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:35,548 - No, no, I'm-- - Narcissist? 293 00:13:35,615 --> 00:13:38,117 When I have time alone, 294 00:13:38,217 --> 00:13:41,788 I can't stop thinking about how they died. 295 00:13:41,888 --> 00:13:45,158 So, please, you were, um, complaining about 296 00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:47,860 your mother giving you unconditional love. 297 00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:49,228 Go ahead. 298 00:13:51,097 --> 00:13:54,000 Yeah, okay, so... 299 00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:55,802 'Cause I do want to talk about it. 300 00:13:55,902 --> 00:13:57,470 - Okay. - (groans) Okay. 301 00:13:57,570 --> 00:14:01,975 So, my mom, I write to her, "What was up with that post?" 302 00:14:02,075 --> 00:14:03,543 And then she writes, 303 00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:05,778 "You mean the post about how much I love you 304 00:14:05,878 --> 00:14:07,180 and I'm living for you?" 305 00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:09,782 - They both died in a fire. - Okay. 306 00:14:09,882 --> 00:14:12,552 My parents died in a fire that they may have started. 307 00:14:12,652 --> 00:14:14,120 I'm gonna get out of here. 308 00:14:14,220 --> 00:14:16,923 No, please, please don't. This is your time. 309 00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:19,225 I mean, you were already 32 minutes late. 310 00:14:19,325 --> 00:14:21,361 You have 13 minutes left, Amy, go ahead. 311 00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:23,229 - Okay. - Please. (sniffles) 312 00:14:23,329 --> 00:14:25,765 But you know that I had a really good excuse for being late. 313 00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:28,568 - Yes. - It's like Time Warner does not come 314 00:14:28,668 --> 00:14:29,836 when they say they're gonna come. 315 00:14:29,936 --> 00:14:31,638 - Okay. - So everybody's had a hard day. 316 00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:34,540 Okay, how about I won't talk about my parents? 317 00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:35,908 - Okay. - Right? 318 00:14:36,009 --> 00:14:37,868 Money, I wanted to talk to you about money. 319 00:14:37,944 --> 00:14:39,112 Oh! 320 00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:41,614 So, all of a sudden, I have too much of it. 321 00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:44,117 And, uh, what else is going on? 322 00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:45,952 I've been getting recognized out the ass. 323 00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:47,253 (chuckles) 324 00:14:47,353 --> 00:14:48,888 But this is dumb. 325 00:14:48,988 --> 00:14:50,256 No, it's not dumb. 326 00:14:50,356 --> 00:14:52,292 Your feelings are valid and it's your feelings. 327 00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:53,559 (ringtone chiming) Please go-- 328 00:14:53,660 --> 00:14:54,827 Oh, I'm sorry. 329 00:14:54,927 --> 00:14:57,463 I would normally never answer this, 330 00:14:57,563 --> 00:14:58,965 but both my parents just died. 331 00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:00,425 They're dead. They're dead, I know. 332 00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:02,535 Hello? 333 00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:04,370 Yes? (sighs) 334 00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:06,372 Oh, thank you so much. 335 00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:10,243 Yes, I think an evening burial would be beautiful. 336 00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:11,944 - I'm gonna skip out. - No. 337 00:15:12,045 --> 00:15:13,613 My mother loved the sunset. 338 00:15:13,713 --> 00:15:15,515 Mm-hmm. 339 00:15:15,548 --> 00:15:18,584 Oh, no, I didn't know. (sniffling) 340 00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:21,254 Their dog died, too? Scrumfy? 341 00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:23,389 Oh, God. 342 00:15:23,523 --> 00:15:25,258 No, no, no, I'll be fine. 343 00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:26,526 Thank you. 344 00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:28,828 (sobbing) Oh, God. 345 00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:30,563 What was that about? 346 00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:32,532 (deep sigh) Oh, God! 347 00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:33,833 Hey, are those ashes? 348 00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:36,803 Yes, it's both of my parents mixed together. 349 00:15:36,903 --> 00:15:41,007 And apparently now we're gonna have to add little Scrumfy, too. 350 00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:44,811 (sobbing) 351 00:15:44,911 --> 00:15:47,113 You've got so much on your plate right now. 352 00:15:47,213 --> 00:15:48,982 No, no, please. I'm sorry. 353 00:15:49,082 --> 00:15:50,083 I'm better. Now look it, see? 354 00:15:50,183 --> 00:15:51,384 I'm okay. 355 00:15:51,551 --> 00:15:55,655 So you were complaining about being rich and popular. 356 00:15:55,755 --> 00:15:58,791 No, rich-- just rich. I-- 357 00:15:58,891 --> 00:16:01,127 Is popular the same thing as being famous? 358 00:16:01,227 --> 00:16:02,495 I don't-- 359 00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:07,367 I'm definitely gonna go. 360 00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:08,968 Actually, that's a good idea. 361 00:16:09,068 --> 00:16:10,770 I think I came back a little too soon. 362 00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:12,905 - Yeah, okay. - Amy? 363 00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:15,408 Cherish your mom and your dad. (fighting tears) 364 00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:17,410 - Yeah. - Cherish your parents, Amy. 365 00:16:17,510 --> 00:16:19,145 - I will. - (sobbing) And your dogs. 366 00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:20,513 'Cause... (sobbing) 367 00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:23,116 Oh, here. 368 00:16:23,216 --> 00:16:24,517 (choked up) Thank you. 369 00:16:24,584 --> 00:16:25,852 (snorting) 370 00:16:25,952 --> 00:16:27,820 (crying) 371 00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:33,059 (snorting) Oh, God! 372 00:16:33,159 --> 00:16:34,560 You know, it takes a village. 373 00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,696 This too shall pass. 374 00:16:36,796 --> 00:16:38,865 A river runs through it. 375 00:16:38,965 --> 00:16:41,868 Shine on, you crazy diamond. 376 00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:44,604 Every rose has its thorn. 377 00:16:50,143 --> 00:16:53,747 Girl, it's gonna be a stank night, girl! 378 00:16:54,247 --> 00:16:55,948 Yeah, I got that pad thing. 379 00:16:56,049 --> 00:16:57,583 Klonopin's spelled with a "C," right? 380 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:01,640 - You're studying psychology? - Mm-hmm. 381 00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:03,490 Have they taught you how to break up with a patient? 382 00:17:03,590 --> 00:17:06,359 No, I didn't-- I always thought it was the patient 383 00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:09,095 that breaks up with the psychologist. 384 00:17:09,162 --> 00:17:12,098 Oh, all right, well, maybe it's just me then. 385 00:17:12,165 --> 00:17:14,501 - Have you ever been in therapy? - Yeah, I have, yeah. 386 00:17:14,601 --> 00:17:17,203 - Are you still? - No, I'm not. I got out, yeah. 387 00:17:17,304 --> 00:17:18,371 - How'd you get out? - They let me out. 388 00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:19,489 How'd they let you out? 389 00:17:19,514 --> 00:17:21,775 Uh, I kinda overcame what I was dealing with. 390 00:17:21,875 --> 00:17:23,176 Are you sure? 391 00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:24,511 - Eh... - Eh... 392 00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:25,745 - Not really, no. - Yeah. 393 00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:27,113 I would never talk to you at a cocktail party. 394 00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:28,181 I would just like be in the corner 395 00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:29,482 playing chess on my phone. 396 00:17:29,583 --> 00:17:31,184 I like that you thought I would go to a cocktail party. 397 00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:32,352 - Maybe. - That sounds fun. 398 00:17:40,835 --> 00:17:43,371 So E.J., you are rich as (bleep). 399 00:17:43,471 --> 00:17:45,707 Yeah, I guess you can say that. 400 00:17:45,807 --> 00:17:48,176 - Your dad is Magic Johnson. - Mm-hmm. 401 00:17:48,276 --> 00:17:49,844 When did you realize that you were rich? 402 00:17:49,944 --> 00:17:51,346 I think I was in fifth grade 403 00:17:51,446 --> 00:17:54,916 and I asked for a Louis Vuitton duffel bag for Christmas. 404 00:17:55,016 --> 00:17:58,353 And then I wrote a poem about it in class. 405 00:17:58,453 --> 00:18:00,488 And then one of my teachers was like, 406 00:18:00,588 --> 00:18:02,791 "Um, I can't allow you to like..." 407 00:18:02,891 --> 00:18:04,092 Do this to yourself? 408 00:18:04,192 --> 00:18:06,127 "...put this poem like on our like display board 409 00:18:06,227 --> 00:18:08,496 because like not everyone can afford 'em." 410 00:18:08,596 --> 00:18:09,864 And I was like, "Wait, what?" 411 00:18:09,964 --> 00:18:11,499 My fifth grade teacher, Mrs.(beep) -- 412 00:18:11,599 --> 00:18:13,301 Would have filled that bag with batteries 413 00:18:13,401 --> 00:18:15,136 and beaten me to death with it. 414 00:18:15,236 --> 00:18:17,272 (laughs) Good lesson. Lesson learned. 415 00:18:17,372 --> 00:18:19,741 Are you like psyched that you're so rich? 416 00:18:19,841 --> 00:18:21,443 You know what, no, I think that like, 417 00:18:21,543 --> 00:18:23,745 you know, it gives you like certain privileges, 418 00:18:23,845 --> 00:18:26,381 but at the same time, like I'm more interested 419 00:18:26,481 --> 00:18:28,416 in making my own money. 420 00:18:28,516 --> 00:18:29,617 Do you get bored? 421 00:18:29,718 --> 00:18:31,553 Are you like, "I can have everything." 422 00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:33,755 Like, "Wah, who cares?" 423 00:18:33,855 --> 00:18:36,391 I think that I just like set my own kinda like goals 424 00:18:36,491 --> 00:18:39,194 as opposed to just being like, Ugh, everything is given to me 425 00:18:39,294 --> 00:18:41,062 and life is wonderful, darling. 426 00:18:41,162 --> 00:18:42,263 - Right. - But sometimes 427 00:18:42,364 --> 00:18:44,132 you have to crack the whip on yourself. 428 00:18:44,232 --> 00:18:45,633 Have you ever had a punch card? 429 00:18:45,734 --> 00:18:48,603 Like, "If you get a tenth coffee..." 430 00:18:48,636 --> 00:18:51,773 Yeah, I've gotten a punch card from, I think it was Subway. 431 00:18:51,873 --> 00:18:53,108 - Yeah? - A long time ago. 432 00:18:53,208 --> 00:18:54,242 Did you ever get the free sub? 433 00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:55,710 - I did. - Nice. 434 00:18:55,810 --> 00:18:57,612 It was really exciting. (giggling) 435 00:18:57,645 --> 00:18:58,847 I deserve this. 436 00:18:58,947 --> 00:19:01,316 - I deserve this free sandwich, thank you. - Yeah. 437 00:19:01,416 --> 00:19:04,119 What's the most expensive item you've ever gotten as a gift? 438 00:19:04,219 --> 00:19:05,720 Probably like an Hermes bag. 439 00:19:05,820 --> 00:19:07,389 I was saying "Hermies" for years. 440 00:19:07,489 --> 00:19:09,023 I was like, "I want a Hermies." 441 00:19:09,124 --> 00:19:12,227 And people were like, "I'm pretty sure you already have that, Schumer." 442 00:19:12,327 --> 00:19:14,829 Is that the one where they kicked Oprah out of the store? 443 00:19:14,929 --> 00:19:16,798 Yeah, I think they did kicked her out of the store. 444 00:19:16,898 --> 00:19:20,235 Can you imagine the balls to go up and be like-- 445 00:19:20,335 --> 00:19:21,815 I'll tell you, though, like in Europe, 446 00:19:21,836 --> 00:19:23,705 like sometimes they just don't get it with black people. 447 00:19:23,805 --> 00:19:24,906 What do you mean? 448 00:19:25,006 --> 00:19:26,141 One time I walked into a Louis Vuitton store, 449 00:19:26,241 --> 00:19:28,743 the wallet like drawer was open, 450 00:19:28,843 --> 00:19:30,879 but I was like standing next to it, looking. 451 00:19:30,979 --> 00:19:32,781 So I could have just like reached over and grabbed one, 452 00:19:32,881 --> 00:19:35,283 by I obviously wasn't going to do that because I have class. 453 00:19:35,383 --> 00:19:38,386 And one of the sales girls just came around, closed it, 454 00:19:38,486 --> 00:19:40,188 locked it, and walked away. 455 00:19:40,288 --> 00:19:41,322 - You're kidding. - Didn't ask if I needed any help. 456 00:19:41,423 --> 00:19:42,590 Oh, yeah, so much shade. 457 00:19:42,657 --> 00:19:44,617 - What did you do? - We bought everything in the store. 458 00:19:44,626 --> 00:19:47,062 Yes! That's what I'm talking about. 459 00:19:47,162 --> 00:19:48,963 If a waiter's rude to me, 460 00:19:49,064 --> 00:19:51,599 I will tip him a million dollars. 461 00:19:51,666 --> 00:19:53,134 That-- is that-- Right? 462 00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:56,371 If you had no money, all the sudden, what would you do for money? 463 00:19:56,471 --> 00:19:58,206 Um... 464 00:19:58,306 --> 00:20:00,508 - I'll tell you what I would do. - What? 465 00:20:02,744 --> 00:20:05,313 - I would be a hooker. - Always try new things. 466 00:20:05,413 --> 00:20:07,315 Um, can I have some money? 467 00:20:07,415 --> 00:20:08,335 Are you really in need? 468 00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:09,651 - No. - No. 469 00:20:09,751 --> 00:20:12,353 How much money would you feel comfortable with giving me? 470 00:20:12,454 --> 00:20:15,023 Um, I can give you like $20. 471 00:20:15,123 --> 00:20:16,257 - Really? - Yeah. 472 00:20:16,357 --> 00:20:17,325 Can I have it? 473 00:20:17,425 --> 00:20:18,860 Well, it's like not on me, but... 474 00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:20,028 Do you have any questions for me? 475 00:20:20,128 --> 00:20:21,162 I want to ask you one question. 476 00:20:21,262 --> 00:20:22,902 I'll answer it if I can wear your glasses. 477 00:20:22,997 --> 00:20:24,232 Okay. 478 00:20:25,333 --> 00:20:27,035 All right. 479 00:20:27,135 --> 00:20:29,304 You look like a sexy like librarian. 480 00:20:29,404 --> 00:20:31,873 I look like Mr., um, Magoo. 481 00:20:31,973 --> 00:20:33,641 So where do you see yourself in ten years? 482 00:20:33,742 --> 00:20:36,010 Dead. 483 00:20:36,111 --> 00:20:38,413 I believe that. (laughing) 484 00:20:38,437 --> 00:20:41,237 Sync & corrections by XhmikosR www.addic7ed.com 485 00:20:41,383 --> 00:20:44,786 - You ever been to the Konk? - Mmm! 486 00:20:44,886 --> 00:20:47,455 You're a (bleep) asshole. Did Kim say to say that? 487 00:20:47,589 --> 00:20:48,656 Did Kim say to say that? 488 00:20:48,757 --> 00:20:49,824 (Amy) So easy. 489 00:20:49,924 --> 00:20:51,192 (man) Mmm, magic. 490 00:20:52,861 --> 00:20:56,898 My mother is dead And my father is dead 491 00:20:56,998 --> 00:21:02,437 And my brother and sister And friends and cousins 492 00:21:02,537 --> 00:21:05,573 And acquaintances are dead 493 00:21:05,673 --> 00:21:07,674 (vocalizing) 494 00:21:07,724 --> 00:21:12,274 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 35161

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