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1
00:00:00,404 --> 00:00:01,970
(doorbell ringing)
2
00:00:03,807 --> 00:00:04,973
You must be the strippers.
3
00:00:05,059 --> 00:00:07,776
- You're the groom to be?
- No, he's inside with his buddies.
4
00:00:07,811 --> 00:00:08,860
Come on in.
5
00:00:10,814 --> 00:00:14,149
Oh, who's a good boy?
Yes, I know.
6
00:00:14,234 --> 00:00:15,400
Oh, you're gonna
have so much fun.
7
00:00:15,486 --> 00:00:16,485
Yes, I know!
8
00:00:16,570 --> 00:00:17,569
I know, have fun!
9
00:00:17,654 --> 00:00:19,487
Wait, I'm-- I'm sorry.
This is just for dogs?
10
00:00:19,573 --> 00:00:22,707
Yeah. I'm throwing my dog, Josh,
a wedding tomorrow and, uh,
11
00:00:22,826 --> 00:00:24,910
what's a wedding
without a bachelor party?
12
00:00:24,995 --> 00:00:27,412
You're gonna have so much fun,
I know, I know!
13
00:00:27,498 --> 00:00:28,964
I gotta write the vows.
14
00:00:29,049 --> 00:00:29,549
15
00:00:33,387 --> 00:00:35,137
Jen... seriously?
16
00:00:35,222 --> 00:00:36,221
You never done
a dog party before?
17
00:00:36,340 --> 00:00:38,140
No, I've never done
any party before.
18
00:00:38,225 --> 00:00:39,558
This is my first time.
I'm just doing it
19
00:00:39,676 --> 00:00:41,643
'cause I need to buy
a color printer.
20
00:00:41,728 --> 00:00:43,061
How you doing, honey?
21
00:00:43,180 --> 00:00:45,013
Come on.
Oh!
22
00:00:46,066 --> 00:00:47,399
Jen, what are you doing?
23
00:00:47,518 --> 00:00:50,185
Last night as a free man.
24
00:00:54,024 --> 00:00:55,524
(dog barking)
25
00:00:55,609 --> 00:00:57,009
(whispering)
What the (bleep)? Okay.
26
00:00:57,077 --> 00:00:58,360
27
00:01:02,116 --> 00:01:03,165
(dog whimpering)
Ooh!
28
00:01:03,250 --> 00:01:04,349
I'm sorry.
Sorry about that.
29
00:01:04,368 --> 00:01:05,534
That's my bad.
30
00:01:05,669 --> 00:01:07,369
I'm so sorry.
(dog growling)
31
00:01:07,454 --> 00:01:10,422
(dog yawning)
32
00:01:10,541 --> 00:01:12,624
This sucks.
This is bad for my self-esteem.
33
00:01:12,709 --> 00:01:14,009
You're losing the room.
34
00:01:14,094 --> 00:01:15,594
35
00:01:15,712 --> 00:01:17,295
Gentlemen, no touching!
36
00:01:17,381 --> 00:01:18,380
What the (bleep)
is this, Jack?
37
00:01:18,465 --> 00:01:20,298
That is one strike
for the whole room.
38
00:01:20,384 --> 00:01:22,350
And it only takes two strikes
to end the party.
39
00:01:22,436 --> 00:01:24,219
(Amy)
I'm fine.
40
00:01:24,354 --> 00:01:26,888
So, where you from?
(doorbell ringing)
41
00:01:29,977 --> 00:01:33,445
(dog growling, barking)
42
00:01:33,564 --> 00:01:35,147
Oh, he's--
He's a little busy right now.
43
00:01:35,232 --> 00:01:38,283
(dog barking, growling)
44
00:01:38,402 --> 00:01:40,902
I'm just doing my job, okay?
45
00:01:40,988 --> 00:01:43,405
(barking)
46
00:01:43,490 --> 00:01:44,489
(Jen)
She's got a gun!
47
00:01:44,575 --> 00:01:45,874
(screaming)
(gunshots)
48
00:01:45,959 --> 00:01:46,825
Ahh!
Oh, my God!
49
00:01:46,910 --> 00:01:48,293
Shit.
It's gone bad!
50
00:01:48,412 --> 00:01:49,411
We gotta get the hell
out of here.
51
00:01:49,496 --> 00:01:50,795
- But what about Jen?
- It's too late for Jen.
52
00:01:50,914 --> 00:01:52,964
- We have to move now.
- Okay, okay, okay!
53
00:01:53,083 --> 00:01:54,003
(Jack)
Move, move, move!
54
00:01:54,084 --> 00:01:55,667
(dog barking)
(Amy murmuring)
55
00:01:55,752 --> 00:01:57,802
- You got the cords?
- I've got the cords.
56
00:01:57,921 --> 00:01:59,254
That thing is useless
without the cords.
57
00:01:59,339 --> 00:02:00,972
This is mine!
This is for me!
58
00:02:01,091 --> 00:02:03,558
(door slamming,
tires screeching)
59
00:02:03,644 --> 00:02:06,011
60
00:02:07,335 --> 00:02:13,335
Sync & corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
61
00:02:13,904 --> 00:02:15,103
Do you have any pets?
62
00:02:15,189 --> 00:02:17,572
I have a dog, and a cat,
and four fish.
63
00:02:17,658 --> 00:02:21,026
- What are your fishes' names?
- Okay, they're all named George.
64
00:02:22,996 --> 00:02:25,113
- What are your dogs' names?
- William Wallace, yeah.
65
00:02:25,199 --> 00:02:26,531
- Oh, okay, that's sweet.
- Yeah.
66
00:02:26,617 --> 00:02:29,438
Do you ever play the "Braveheart"
soundtrack and jerk him off?
67
00:02:29,463 --> 00:02:30,359
(laughter)
68
00:02:30,454 --> 00:02:32,954
No, he doesn't have balls,
so... why?
69
00:02:33,090 --> 00:02:34,289
Yes, very true.
70
00:02:34,374 --> 00:02:36,091
You're talking about your dog
right now, right? Okay.
71
00:02:36,176 --> 00:02:38,126
72
00:02:39,963 --> 00:02:42,803
(female announcer) When a woman has
to find a shirt for her special guy,
73
00:02:42,849 --> 00:02:46,101
what will it take for him
to say "Fine" to the shirt?
74
00:02:46,186 --> 00:02:48,053
If you love
"Say Yes to the Dress",
75
00:02:48,138 --> 00:02:50,305
you'll understand the concept
of our show,
76
00:02:50,390 --> 00:02:53,024
"Say Fine To The Shirt"!
77
00:02:53,143 --> 00:02:57,529
Amy and her fianc? Brian are
shopping for a replacement shirt
78
00:02:57,648 --> 00:02:59,814
after he left his main shirt
at an airport.
79
00:02:59,950 --> 00:03:01,483
Just pick something, let's go.
80
00:03:01,568 --> 00:03:02,450
Hi!
81
00:03:02,536 --> 00:03:04,286
82
00:03:04,371 --> 00:03:06,621
Welcome, how are you?
You look great.
83
00:03:06,707 --> 00:03:07,622
- Thank you.
- And you must be?
84
00:03:07,708 --> 00:03:08,657
Brian.
85
00:03:08,742 --> 00:03:10,575
Didn't catch it.
(slurred) Brian!
86
00:03:10,661 --> 00:03:12,961
- Nice to meet you "Rah".
- No, he's saying "Brian".
87
00:03:13,046 --> 00:03:14,913
Brian, Brian.
Nice to meet you, Brian.
88
00:03:14,998 --> 00:03:16,381
Jeez, I just said it 14 times.
89
00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:18,180
- He's so cute.
- Didn't catch that either.
90
00:03:18,218 --> 00:03:21,718
So you're our man and
let's find you a shirt!
91
00:03:22,139 --> 00:03:24,472
(Amy) Brian and I have been
together for five years,
92
00:03:24,558 --> 00:03:27,175
and engaged
for four-and-a-half years.
93
00:03:27,261 --> 00:03:31,012
Brian is... my soul mate.
94
00:03:31,098 --> 00:03:33,431
We met and we both knew
right away,
95
00:03:33,517 --> 00:03:36,067
so I asked him to marry me,
and he said,
96
00:03:36,186 --> 00:03:38,570
and I'll never forget it,
he said,
97
00:03:38,689 --> 00:03:40,605
"Fine, I guess."
98
00:03:42,859 --> 00:03:45,277
So, guys, what's our
price range today?
99
00:03:45,362 --> 00:03:48,446
Um, I would say anything
between $50, up to--
100
00:03:48,532 --> 00:03:51,700
If it's like, amazing,
like, 12,000? Um...
101
00:03:51,785 --> 00:03:52,834
I don't know,
what do you think, babe?
102
00:03:52,919 --> 00:03:54,586
Like, what are you
comfortable with?
103
00:03:54,705 --> 00:03:57,088
(muttering indistinctly)
104
00:03:57,207 --> 00:03:58,757
Okay, great.
Are we thinking
105
00:03:58,875 --> 00:04:01,459
sexy, classic sleeves?
106
00:04:01,545 --> 00:04:03,345
Maybe some buttons?
107
00:04:03,430 --> 00:04:04,963
Oh! Buttons!
Yeah?
108
00:04:05,048 --> 00:04:06,715
Did you say buttons?
Yeah, buttons.
109
00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:07,800
Did you hear her?
Buttons?
110
00:04:07,884 --> 00:04:09,050
Are you listening?
Brian?
111
00:04:09,186 --> 00:04:10,468
Are you even listening?
What?
112
00:04:10,554 --> 00:04:12,637
Why am I here?
I have another shirt.
113
00:04:12,723 --> 00:04:14,973
I don't need "another"
another shirt.
114
00:04:15,058 --> 00:04:18,610
Okay, Brian, when
you were a little boy
115
00:04:18,729 --> 00:04:20,729
and every night,
you dreamed about clothing,
116
00:04:20,814 --> 00:04:22,147
what shirt did you see?
117
00:04:22,232 --> 00:04:23,315
That never happened.
118
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:24,399
I didn't dream about
stupid stuff like that.
119
00:04:24,484 --> 00:04:26,618
Seriously, though,
I gotta piss.
120
00:04:26,737 --> 00:04:29,037
Is this fine?
121
00:04:29,122 --> 00:04:30,071
Yeah.
122
00:04:30,157 --> 00:04:31,239
Is this fine?
123
00:04:31,375 --> 00:04:32,457
Fine.
124
00:04:32,576 --> 00:04:36,077
Well, it seems like Brian
will wear almost anything,
125
00:04:36,163 --> 00:04:38,380
so it's really gonna
take all my skills
126
00:04:38,465 --> 00:04:41,299
to make this prince
feel like a princess.
127
00:04:41,418 --> 00:04:44,052
Oh!
Oh, my God!
128
00:04:44,137 --> 00:04:45,253
What do you think?
129
00:04:45,339 --> 00:04:49,090
Brian has not seen Josh
and Beaver since college,
130
00:04:49,176 --> 00:04:51,760
so I hired a private detective
to track them down.
131
00:04:51,845 --> 00:04:54,346
It cost me $20,000,
132
00:04:54,431 --> 00:04:56,765
but it is so gonna be worth it
133
00:04:56,900 --> 00:04:59,934
to see the look on Brian's
face when he sees them.
134
00:05:00,020 --> 00:05:01,519
Open.
135
00:05:01,605 --> 00:05:03,238
I got your two
best friends from college
136
00:05:03,323 --> 00:05:05,490
to come to share in our joy.
137
00:05:05,609 --> 00:05:06,441
Yo, what up?
138
00:05:06,576 --> 00:05:08,526
Hey, man.
You hear T.J. died?
139
00:05:08,612 --> 00:05:10,528
Oh, for real?
140
00:05:10,614 --> 00:05:12,947
- What's up, Beav?
- Yo.
141
00:05:13,083 --> 00:05:14,783
(whispering)
Magical.
142
00:05:16,787 --> 00:05:17,786
(Travis)
Hey, gang!
143
00:05:17,871 --> 00:05:20,922
So Brian, this is
a Tommy Bahama.
144
00:05:21,007 --> 00:05:24,092
Okay, so it is blue,
it has buttons.
145
00:05:24,177 --> 00:05:25,377
What do you think?
146
00:05:25,462 --> 00:05:26,845
- Whatever.
- Fantastic.
147
00:05:26,963 --> 00:05:28,680
Let's try it on.
Come on.
148
00:05:28,799 --> 00:05:31,132
(sighing)
Come on, come on.
149
00:05:31,218 --> 00:05:33,802
(whispering)
Buttons.
150
00:05:35,222 --> 00:05:36,888
(announcer)
It's time for the big reveal.
151
00:05:36,973 --> 00:05:38,606
Brian has just tried on
the shirt.
152
00:05:38,692 --> 00:05:42,193
Will it be fine or will it be
back to the rack for Travis?
153
00:05:42,312 --> 00:05:45,647
Okay, let's see our prince!
154
00:05:48,151 --> 00:05:49,734
(gasping)
155
00:05:49,820 --> 00:05:51,903
He looks amaze.
156
00:05:51,988 --> 00:05:53,238
Friends, thoughts?
157
00:05:54,374 --> 00:05:56,458
- Pretty cool.
- Doesn't look too gay.
158
00:05:56,543 --> 00:05:58,626
Okay, and you, Brian,
what do you think?
159
00:05:58,712 --> 00:06:00,712
Is it everything
you were hoping for?
160
00:06:00,831 --> 00:06:02,464
I guess.
161
00:06:02,549 --> 00:06:03,548
(Travis)
You know what?
162
00:06:03,667 --> 00:06:05,884
I think we need to jack him up.
163
00:06:06,002 --> 00:06:07,385
- What?
- Stand over there.
164
00:06:07,504 --> 00:06:08,553
Do it.
165
00:06:08,672 --> 00:06:09,554
What?
166
00:06:09,673 --> 00:06:12,424
- Let him jack you up, guy!
- Just trust me, just trust me.
167
00:06:13,894 --> 00:06:15,343
- Now, look.
- I don't wanna look.
168
00:06:15,429 --> 00:06:17,679
Look in the mirror.
169
00:06:23,019 --> 00:06:25,069
Yes! This is
my new main shirt.
170
00:06:25,188 --> 00:06:30,108
Brian, are you saying
"fine" to the shirt?
171
00:06:30,193 --> 00:06:32,777
Fine.
Oh!
172
00:06:32,863 --> 00:06:35,830
Fine, yes!
A thousand times fine!
173
00:06:35,916 --> 00:06:38,249
(Brian)
I love it!
174
00:06:38,368 --> 00:06:40,752
This has been such
a hard year for me.
175
00:06:40,871 --> 00:06:42,537
I just never felt
that good about myself
176
00:06:42,622 --> 00:06:44,172
and then I just looked at myself
in the mirror
177
00:06:44,257 --> 00:06:47,342
and I'm like...
I felt like a butterfly.
178
00:06:47,427 --> 00:06:48,843
You know, at the end
of the day,
179
00:06:48,929 --> 00:06:52,680
my real job is
to make dreams come true.
180
00:06:52,766 --> 00:06:54,933
Also, I'm a cashier at Petco.
181
00:06:55,051 --> 00:06:56,801
182
00:06:56,887 --> 00:06:59,687
183
00:06:59,773 --> 00:07:00,772
How do you like
when a guy dresses?
184
00:07:00,891 --> 00:07:02,056
Like, what's his style?
185
00:07:02,142 --> 00:07:04,392
Fitting jeans,
a fitting shirt,
186
00:07:04,478 --> 00:07:07,145
dark colors, nothing
too outrageous looking.
187
00:07:07,230 --> 00:07:09,447
So you want to forget
the outfit, basically?
188
00:07:09,566 --> 00:07:10,532
- Pretty much.
- Yeah.
189
00:07:10,617 --> 00:07:12,984
190
00:07:13,957 --> 00:07:15,740
191
00:07:17,994 --> 00:07:19,660
(female announcer) You are
listening to the audio tour
192
00:07:19,746 --> 00:07:22,747
of the Museum of Boyfriend
Wardrobe Atrocities.
193
00:07:22,832 --> 00:07:25,750
When you hear the tone, move
forward to the next display.
194
00:07:25,835 --> 00:07:27,084
(tone chimes)
195
00:07:27,170 --> 00:07:29,887
The man who wore this outfit
was named Josh.
196
00:07:30,006 --> 00:07:31,756
He met his girlfriend Jenna
when they were both
197
00:07:31,841 --> 00:07:34,559
waiters at Legal Seafoods.
198
00:07:34,677 --> 00:07:37,011
Tragically, this is what
he wore to meet her parents.
199
00:07:38,314 --> 00:07:39,597
Their relationship
perished soon after.
200
00:07:39,682 --> 00:07:41,098
(tone chimes)
201
00:07:41,184 --> 00:07:45,319
Heather dated Mark and his
bowling shirt for two years,
202
00:07:45,405 --> 00:07:47,285
and despite her protests,
he insisted on wearing
203
00:07:47,357 --> 00:07:50,524
calf-high tube socks.
She tried her best to hide them,
204
00:07:50,660 --> 00:07:53,694
stashing them for weeks
in their attic, but sadly,
205
00:07:53,830 --> 00:07:55,863
they were soon discovered
and forced back
206
00:07:55,999 --> 00:07:57,698
into regular rotation.
207
00:07:59,869 --> 00:08:02,286
(tone chimes)
208
00:08:02,372 --> 00:08:04,956
What you see before you
may not look so bad
209
00:08:05,041 --> 00:08:09,594
until you know that
it was worn by Simon, age 55.
210
00:08:09,712 --> 00:08:11,462
(gasping)
211
00:08:11,547 --> 00:08:13,598
It's okay.
It's over.
212
00:08:13,716 --> 00:08:15,549
(tone chimes)
213
00:08:16,970 --> 00:08:19,604
(announcer) You are now
in the accessories wing.
214
00:08:19,722 --> 00:08:22,490
One survivor recorded
the following words.
215
00:08:22,592 --> 00:08:26,811
(woman on recording) First, he wore
a braided belt and I said nothing.
216
00:08:26,896 --> 00:08:30,448
Then came that hat,
and I said nothing.
217
00:08:30,566 --> 00:08:34,402
Then he wore that (bleep) hemp
necklace and I was like, peace!
218
00:08:35,705 --> 00:08:38,289
(tone chimes)
219
00:08:38,408 --> 00:08:40,574
(announcer) You are now
entering the Hall of Sighs.
220
00:08:40,710 --> 00:08:43,244
You will hear actual
recordings of real girlfriends
221
00:08:43,329 --> 00:08:45,162
the moment they
first bore witness
222
00:08:45,248 --> 00:08:46,968
to the horror of their
boyfriend's mistakes.
223
00:08:47,050 --> 00:08:49,000
(woman 1)
(sighing) Why are you wearing khakis?
224
00:08:49,085 --> 00:08:50,751
(woman 2) Where's what I
bought you for your birthday?
225
00:08:50,837 --> 00:08:53,004
(woman 3) (sighing) We're going
to my sister's rehearsal dinner.
226
00:08:53,089 --> 00:08:54,722
(woman 4)
Birkenstocks?
227
00:08:54,807 --> 00:08:57,558
(woman 5) (sighing) It's too cold
for shorts and you know that.
228
00:08:57,644 --> 00:08:59,927
I don't think this many
guys wore this stuff.
229
00:09:00,063 --> 00:09:02,096
Those numbers are exaggerated.
230
00:09:02,231 --> 00:09:04,098
(tone chimes)
231
00:09:04,233 --> 00:09:07,101
(announcer) There are 5,200
pairs of Crocs in front of you.
232
00:09:07,236 --> 00:09:09,687
Each one represents a
relationship that was real
233
00:09:09,772 --> 00:09:13,274
and tangible until poor
judgment tore it apart.
234
00:09:13,409 --> 00:09:16,144
Did this really happen?
235
00:09:16,579 --> 00:09:19,096
It did, Gabby.
It did.
236
00:09:20,283 --> 00:09:22,283
237
00:09:27,623 --> 00:09:29,123
238
00:09:30,510 --> 00:09:32,877
What is your least favorite
thing that he wears?
239
00:09:32,962 --> 00:09:35,513
His sweatpants.
(laughter)
240
00:09:35,631 --> 00:09:36,797
What's your least favorite
thing that she wears?
241
00:09:36,933 --> 00:09:39,383
You could dangle a rag off her,
she'd be beautiful.
242
00:09:39,469 --> 00:09:41,635
You know the old saying,
you can dangle a rag on her...
243
00:09:41,721 --> 00:09:42,636
(laughter)
244
00:09:42,772 --> 00:09:44,138
245
00:09:45,608 --> 00:09:47,525
(man on TV) You are
working out to Couch Sit,
246
00:09:47,643 --> 00:09:49,643
the workout you do
from your couch.
247
00:09:49,779 --> 00:09:53,647
Now unclench your fists and bring
your hands together and apart.
248
00:09:53,733 --> 00:09:55,866
That's right,
give yourself a hand.
249
00:09:55,985 --> 00:09:57,318
You did it!
250
00:09:57,403 --> 00:09:59,904
(chuckling)
Yeah, I did.
251
00:09:59,989 --> 00:10:01,739
(knocking at door)
252
00:10:01,824 --> 00:10:04,658
Seamless?
I just ordered.
253
00:10:08,664 --> 00:10:10,548
Do I need to sign something?
254
00:10:12,135 --> 00:10:15,553
Uh, where's my surf and turf?
Excuse me?
255
00:10:16,639 --> 00:10:18,506
Um, hello?
256
00:10:18,591 --> 00:10:21,392
Hi, yeah, the whole point
of ordering Seamless is so that
257
00:10:21,511 --> 00:10:23,561
you don't have to
interact with anyone.
258
00:10:23,679 --> 00:10:25,062
You're ruining that right now.
259
00:10:26,232 --> 00:10:29,683
"I am Vlad, your
mail order husband"?
260
00:10:29,819 --> 00:10:32,570
"You ordered me at
4:00 A.M. last week."
261
00:10:32,688 --> 00:10:34,271
No.
No, no, no, no.
262
00:10:37,527 --> 00:10:38,943
(phone ringing)
263
00:10:39,028 --> 00:10:40,945
- Hello?
- (Amy) Kimberly!
264
00:10:41,030 --> 00:10:43,447
Did you let me order a Russian
Muppet when I was on Ambien?
265
00:10:43,533 --> 00:10:44,463
Yeah, remember?
266
00:10:44,488 --> 00:10:46,016
You said you wanted
to get your dick wet,
267
00:10:46,035 --> 00:10:48,035
but you're too famous
for Tinder now.
268
00:10:48,171 --> 00:10:49,954
That doesn't sound
like me at all.
269
00:10:50,039 --> 00:10:51,922
Okay, well he's here!
What should I do?
270
00:10:52,041 --> 00:10:53,841
Uh, stop taking Ambien?
271
00:10:53,926 --> 00:10:55,366
I-- I don't know.
Look, I have to go.
272
00:10:55,428 --> 00:10:56,868
We're cuddling
and watching "Splash".
273
00:10:56,929 --> 00:10:57,962
Ooh, "Splash".
274
00:10:58,047 --> 00:11:00,097
What channel?
Hello?
275
00:11:05,021 --> 00:11:06,637
Thank you, Vlad.
276
00:11:06,722 --> 00:11:08,639
I am thank you Vlad.
277
00:11:08,724 --> 00:11:12,393
I'm Amy... your wife.
278
00:11:15,815 --> 00:11:17,198
I think you should go.
279
00:11:17,283 --> 00:11:18,616
I-- I go.
280
00:11:18,734 --> 00:11:20,451
Yeah, you go now.
281
00:11:20,570 --> 00:11:22,153
We go.
282
00:11:22,238 --> 00:11:25,322
No. No, you go.
I stay.
283
00:11:25,408 --> 00:11:26,574
We stay.
284
00:11:26,659 --> 00:11:28,459
No.
285
00:11:28,578 --> 00:11:29,743
You--
286
00:11:32,381 --> 00:11:33,701
What am I supposed to
do with you?
287
00:11:33,716 --> 00:11:36,917
I make "cekc"?
We cekc.
288
00:11:37,053 --> 00:11:39,503
That-- What is that?
I push-push in...
289
00:11:39,589 --> 00:11:41,255
Ah.
290
00:11:41,340 --> 00:11:43,474
No.
We're not--
291
00:11:43,593 --> 00:11:46,844
We're not there yet.
Um...
292
00:11:46,929 --> 00:11:48,012
(knocking at door)
293
00:11:48,097 --> 00:11:49,680
Excuse me.
294
00:11:53,603 --> 00:11:55,019
Please sign.
295
00:11:57,740 --> 00:12:00,107
I have always wanted
to do that.
296
00:12:00,243 --> 00:12:02,743
That was amazing.
297
00:12:02,829 --> 00:12:05,863
I would never have to talk
to a delivery guy again.
298
00:12:09,418 --> 00:12:10,951
Thank you, Vlad.
299
00:12:12,788 --> 00:12:14,171
(shell crunching)
300
00:12:14,290 --> 00:12:16,373
I could get used to this.
301
00:12:17,627 --> 00:12:20,678
302
00:12:29,639 --> 00:12:32,890
(Amy)
Amy and Vlad fell in love.
303
00:12:34,110 --> 00:12:35,976
Then Vlad revealed his secret.
304
00:12:36,112 --> 00:12:38,646
He was actually a merman.
305
00:12:38,781 --> 00:12:42,399
They could only stay together if
Amy lived with him in the sea.
306
00:12:42,485 --> 00:12:44,869
Their passion would
make it possible
307
00:12:44,987 --> 00:12:47,872
for her to breathe underwater.
308
00:12:47,990 --> 00:12:50,658
She chose Vlad
and they liv--
309
00:12:50,743 --> 00:12:51,876
Guys, I'm super sorry.
310
00:12:51,994 --> 00:12:53,314
I wrote this
when I was on Ambien,
311
00:12:53,329 --> 00:12:55,045
and I don't know why
we made it.
312
00:12:55,164 --> 00:12:56,046
My bad.
313
00:12:56,165 --> 00:12:57,665
314
00:12:58,751 --> 00:13:01,673
Have you ever shopped online
when you were drunk or high?
315
00:13:01,804 --> 00:13:03,003
Oh, all the time, yeah.
316
00:13:03,139 --> 00:13:04,838
What's the worst thing
you've ever gotten?
317
00:13:04,974 --> 00:13:09,510
I bought a, um...
a star.
318
00:13:09,645 --> 00:13:11,595
Like, you name
a star after you?
319
00:13:11,681 --> 00:13:13,230
(laughing silently)
320
00:13:21,824 --> 00:13:23,407
I am not joking.
321
00:13:23,526 --> 00:13:25,208
That is the saddest thing
I've ever heard in my life.
322
00:13:25,294 --> 00:13:27,511
It's-- It's horrible,
right?
323
00:13:27,530 --> 00:13:29,580
324
00:13:31,065 --> 00:13:32,932
325
00:13:34,102 --> 00:13:36,652
You're here to learn
to evade and defuse,
326
00:13:36,771 --> 00:13:42,275
the ancient art of female
emotional combat.
327
00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:44,777
Is that a power you wish
to possess?
328
00:13:44,863 --> 00:13:46,779
(all)
Yes, sensei!
329
00:13:46,865 --> 00:13:48,164
Jeff, you're up first.
330
00:13:48,283 --> 00:13:49,999
Jeff, Kaitlyn
is your girlfriend.
331
00:13:50,118 --> 00:13:51,617
It's date night.
332
00:13:51,703 --> 00:13:52,785
Bow and begin!
333
00:13:55,340 --> 00:13:57,420
- You look really pretty tonight.
- Oh, just tonight?
334
00:13:57,425 --> 00:13:58,674
You always look pretty.
335
00:13:58,793 --> 00:14:00,193
You know, you never
say "beautiful".
336
00:14:01,629 --> 00:14:03,796
Uh, I mean beautiful,
it's just not a word I use.
337
00:14:03,882 --> 00:14:05,848
That's interesting, 'cause
in one of your old e-mails,
338
00:14:05,967 --> 00:14:07,300
you called your ex beautiful.
339
00:14:07,435 --> 00:14:08,768
You were going
through my emails?
340
00:14:08,853 --> 00:14:10,386
Hey, if you have nothing to
hide, it shouldn't be a problem.
341
00:14:10,471 --> 00:14:11,604
It's about privacy.
342
00:14:11,689 --> 00:14:13,409
- Stop yelling!
- (yelling) I'm not yelling!
343
00:14:13,441 --> 00:14:15,541
Stop and bow.
344
00:14:15,727 --> 00:14:16,976
What did Jeff do wrong?
345
00:14:17,061 --> 00:14:18,895
- I was born.
- Jeff, get in line.
346
00:14:18,980 --> 00:14:20,947
First off,
never give your girlfriend
347
00:14:21,032 --> 00:14:23,316
a temporary compliment.
She doesn't look pretty.
348
00:14:23,401 --> 00:14:26,819
She is the most beautiful
woman of all time.
349
00:14:26,955 --> 00:14:30,823
Second, change your e-mail
password every two hours.
350
00:14:30,909 --> 00:14:35,161
And third, never change
the volume of your voice.
351
00:14:35,296 --> 00:14:36,879
Are we clear?
352
00:14:36,998 --> 00:14:38,548
(all)
Yes, sensei!
353
00:14:38,666 --> 00:14:40,833
Dave, step in.
354
00:14:40,919 --> 00:14:43,115
Kaitlyn's your girlfriend.
You're eating dinner.
355
00:14:43,140 --> 00:14:44,837
She's complaining
about how you're chewing.
356
00:14:44,973 --> 00:14:48,007
And you strongly suspect
that she has her period.
357
00:14:49,093 --> 00:14:51,844
How do you respond?
358
00:14:51,980 --> 00:14:53,145
Hey, I'm sorry about
the chewing.
359
00:14:53,231 --> 00:14:54,430
I'm working on it.
360
00:14:54,515 --> 00:14:55,555
Uh, I know it bothers you,
361
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:56,649
I'm trying to be
more aware of it.
362
00:14:56,734 --> 00:14:57,733
I know you're feeling
crazy right now
363
00:14:57,852 --> 00:14:58,734
because you're on your period.
364
00:14:58,853 --> 00:15:00,519
Unh!
365
00:15:00,655 --> 00:15:02,355
Hyah!
(grunting)
366
00:15:03,441 --> 00:15:04,523
Congratulations, Dave.
367
00:15:04,609 --> 00:15:07,026
You're dead.
368
00:15:07,111 --> 00:15:09,028
Try again, new scenario.
369
00:15:10,331 --> 00:15:13,082
Kaitlyn is scowling at you
for no reason.
370
00:15:13,201 --> 00:15:14,116
Go!
371
00:15:17,255 --> 00:15:19,589
Hey, what's wrong?
372
00:15:19,707 --> 00:15:21,507
Nothing.
373
00:15:21,593 --> 00:15:24,710
Stay calm.
Remember your training.
374
00:15:26,347 --> 00:15:27,897
Honey, you remember
what your therapist said?
375
00:15:27,915 --> 00:15:29,882
When you have a problem with
something, you gotta communicate.
376
00:15:29,968 --> 00:15:31,384
We'll talk whenever
you're ready.
377
00:15:31,469 --> 00:15:33,435
I love you and I'm always
here for you.
378
00:15:36,441 --> 00:15:37,857
Okay.
379
00:15:37,942 --> 00:15:40,393
Excellent work.
Get back in line.
380
00:15:40,478 --> 00:15:42,061
Remember, women can't deny
the authority
381
00:15:42,196 --> 00:15:45,448
of therapy and/or Oprah.
382
00:15:45,566 --> 00:15:47,066
Look at how docile Kaitlyn is.
383
00:15:50,405 --> 00:15:51,704
Louis!
384
00:15:51,789 --> 00:15:54,573
Step in. You'll be sparring
with me today.
385
00:15:54,709 --> 00:15:57,710
You quietly read that newspaper
while I attack you.
386
00:15:57,795 --> 00:15:59,078
Begin.
387
00:16:00,915 --> 00:16:01,914
(whispering)
388
00:16:03,167 --> 00:16:05,718
(whispering)
389
00:16:05,803 --> 00:16:07,086
Why are you ignoring me?
390
00:16:07,171 --> 00:16:08,304
Hmm?
391
00:16:08,423 --> 00:16:09,703
I was just reading
the newspaper.
392
00:16:09,757 --> 00:16:12,308
Like, you couldn't even acknowledge
that you heard my voice?
393
00:16:12,427 --> 00:16:14,644
I genuinely didn't hear you.
394
00:16:14,762 --> 00:16:16,062
What did you say?
395
00:16:16,147 --> 00:16:17,260
Never mind.
396
00:16:17,285 --> 00:16:19,482
If you wanted to hear me, you would
have listened the first time.
397
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:20,650
Jesus.
398
00:16:20,768 --> 00:16:22,268
You're acting like your mother.
399
00:16:22,403 --> 00:16:23,269
(echoing)
Like your mother.
400
00:16:23,404 --> 00:16:25,154
Mother...
Mother...
401
00:16:25,273 --> 00:16:26,155
(gasping)
402
00:16:31,329 --> 00:16:33,746
If you say that,
there is no coming back
403
00:16:33,831 --> 00:16:35,498
and I can't help you.
404
00:16:35,616 --> 00:16:38,000
That's all for today.
Leave me!
405
00:16:42,006 --> 00:16:45,157
I am not my (bleep) mother!
406
00:16:45,343 --> 00:16:47,626
Hyah!
407
00:16:47,712 --> 00:16:50,129
Ahh!
408
00:16:50,264 --> 00:16:52,298
(crying)
409
00:16:52,433 --> 00:16:54,133
(weakly) You're acting
like my mother.
410
00:16:54,268 --> 00:16:56,052
411
00:16:57,138 --> 00:16:59,605
How do you win
an argument with a girl?
412
00:16:59,691 --> 00:17:01,941
I don't normally win.
413
00:17:02,026 --> 00:17:02,975
- No?
- No.
414
00:17:03,061 --> 00:17:05,311
- You can buy stuff.
- Yeah.
415
00:17:05,396 --> 00:17:07,313
Like, girls like
shoes and shit.
416
00:17:07,398 --> 00:17:09,281
(laughing)
417
00:17:09,367 --> 00:17:10,316
That's true.
418
00:17:10,451 --> 00:17:12,685
419
00:17:14,519 --> 00:17:16,352
420
00:17:19,140 --> 00:17:20,306
- Kurt, Keren...
- Yeah.
421
00:17:20,441 --> 00:17:21,807
You are in an
open relationship.
422
00:17:21,943 --> 00:17:22,808
- Yeah.
- Yes.
423
00:17:22,894 --> 00:17:24,310
Let's--
Let's talk about it.
424
00:17:24,445 --> 00:17:25,728
It's not like a free-for-all,
425
00:17:25,813 --> 00:17:27,229
but, uh, you know, occasionally
426
00:17:27,315 --> 00:17:28,647
you want to bang other people...
427
00:17:28,733 --> 00:17:31,133
- Yeah.
- So then, we let each other.
428
00:17:31,619 --> 00:17:34,653
Um, whose idea was it?
429
00:17:34,739 --> 00:17:36,489
- It was me.
- Yeah, I--
430
00:17:36,574 --> 00:17:37,706
- If I had--
- Wham!
431
00:17:37,825 --> 00:17:40,960
His wiener is...
a big responsibility.
432
00:17:41,045 --> 00:17:42,244
And I'm one person.
433
00:17:42,330 --> 00:17:43,662
This is what I remember, we were
watching "Sister Wives"...
434
00:17:43,798 --> 00:17:44,998
You guys watch "Sister Wives"?
435
00:17:44,999 --> 00:17:45,881
- That's not what I would think.
- We did!
436
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:46,916
- She does.
- Okay.
437
00:17:47,001 --> 00:17:48,000
- And she was like...
- Everyone has.
438
00:17:48,085 --> 00:17:49,485
You know, it would
be handy to tag--
439
00:17:49,554 --> 00:17:51,086
You know, to tag out
to a sister wife.
440
00:17:51,172 --> 00:17:52,638
And then, that's
when she asked
441
00:17:52,723 --> 00:17:54,974
her friend, to, like,
be that sister wife.
442
00:17:55,059 --> 00:17:56,425
- I have a life to live and I--
- Yeah.
443
00:17:56,511 --> 00:17:57,810
But you want him to be happy.
444
00:17:57,895 --> 00:17:59,845
Well, also, I didn't want her
to just be with one dude
445
00:17:59,931 --> 00:18:01,180
- her whole life, you know?
- Right.
446
00:18:01,265 --> 00:18:02,231
That was the other part of it.
447
00:18:02,350 --> 00:18:03,590
Right, 'cause
you were a virgin.
448
00:18:03,651 --> 00:18:04,683
Yes, I didn't think
about that part.
449
00:18:04,769 --> 00:18:05,985
It was right--
Right from the beginning.
450
00:18:06,070 --> 00:18:08,270
The first time that Kurt
had sex with your friend...
451
00:18:08,356 --> 00:18:10,656
- Yeah.
- Where were you?
452
00:18:10,741 --> 00:18:11,824
- I think I was sleeping.
- Yeah, you went to sleep.
453
00:18:11,909 --> 00:18:13,159
I think I just,
like, left them to it.
454
00:18:13,244 --> 00:18:15,411
Well, here's what it is,
like, 90% of the time...
455
00:18:15,530 --> 00:18:16,695
- Mm-hmm.
- I just get tired.
456
00:18:16,831 --> 00:18:18,781
- That sucks, we all know.
- And Kurt's gotta (bleep)!
457
00:18:18,866 --> 00:18:19,986
(Keren laughing)
(Kurt) Yeah.
458
00:18:20,034 --> 00:18:21,167
- That's what I told her.
- It's true.
459
00:18:21,269 --> 00:18:23,149
- Get out of this house.
- He's got to get his--
460
00:18:23,204 --> 00:18:25,371
When did you have
your first time
461
00:18:25,506 --> 00:18:26,539
hooking up with
a different guy?
462
00:18:26,674 --> 00:18:28,874
I banged this guy
who was my teacher
463
00:18:29,010 --> 00:18:30,509
and I had a huge crush
on him and...
464
00:18:30,595 --> 00:18:32,678
wanted to, like,
bang him the entire time.
465
00:18:32,763 --> 00:18:33,712
Like, that first time,
you were like,
466
00:18:33,798 --> 00:18:35,598
"Oh, my God, I've only
had sex with Kurt."
467
00:18:35,716 --> 00:18:36,849
Yeah.
468
00:18:36,934 --> 00:18:38,801
Now there's this new dick.
What-- What was it like?
469
00:18:38,886 --> 00:18:41,554
We had, like, fast,
awkward, weird sex,
470
00:18:41,689 --> 00:18:43,772
but it was, like,
that's the point.
471
00:18:43,891 --> 00:18:45,191
That's the point.
And then I was, really--
472
00:18:45,276 --> 00:18:46,275
Like, I needed someone
to high-five afterwards.
473
00:18:46,394 --> 00:18:47,276
- All that matters--
- Yeah.
474
00:18:47,395 --> 00:18:48,861
My one-- My one rule
is that she--
475
00:18:48,946 --> 00:18:50,646
As long as she doesn't
enjoy it, I'm happy.
476
00:18:50,731 --> 00:18:53,232
Right, as long as it's not
consensual...
477
00:18:53,367 --> 00:18:55,568
- And it was a mess.
- You're fine.
478
00:18:55,653 --> 00:18:57,620
I wanted her to get, well,
a score, you know.
479
00:18:57,738 --> 00:18:59,071
My score's kind of
ahead of hers,
480
00:18:59,156 --> 00:19:01,073
so I want her to, like, even it
up a little bit, you know?
481
00:19:01,209 --> 00:19:02,241
Yes, yes.
482
00:19:02,376 --> 00:19:05,361
Number of people
is almost not relevant.
483
00:19:05,446 --> 00:19:07,246
It's like, how much and,
like, how much
484
00:19:07,315 --> 00:19:08,731
you're getting it in,
you know what I mean?
485
00:19:08,866 --> 00:19:09,732
- I do.
- Like...
486
00:19:09,867 --> 00:19:10,733
- I hear you.
- And there was, like,
487
00:19:10,868 --> 00:19:11,734
butt stuff involved, and like,
488
00:19:11,869 --> 00:19:12,902
just all the--
Like, I had, like,
489
00:19:13,037 --> 00:19:14,370
significant catching up to do.
490
00:19:14,455 --> 00:19:15,738
Oh. Oh, you mean
what I did?
491
00:19:15,873 --> 00:19:17,907
- Yeah, I mean what you did.
- Yeah, there was butt stuff.
492
00:19:18,042 --> 00:19:19,909
You don't deserve all this.
Do you know that?
493
00:19:19,994 --> 00:19:21,827
I am a Christian woman.
I don't--
494
00:19:21,913 --> 00:19:24,129
No, I mean, like,
this sounds great for him,
495
00:19:24,248 --> 00:19:25,164
and I don't think Kurt
deserves this much joy.
496
00:19:25,249 --> 00:19:26,248
Well, I didn't make it happen.
497
00:19:26,334 --> 00:19:27,383
Well, he's never
appreciated it.
498
00:19:27,468 --> 00:19:28,968
First of all, I didn't
suggest that we do this.
499
00:19:29,086 --> 00:19:30,166
- That was her idea.
- Yeah.
500
00:19:30,221 --> 00:19:32,054
I don't think
I could make someone--
501
00:19:32,139 --> 00:19:33,889
Like, if it was my idea, I don't
think it would have happened.
502
00:19:33,975 --> 00:19:34,924
You guys were gonna
get married
503
00:19:35,059 --> 00:19:37,059
and then what if
you never had sex...
504
00:19:37,144 --> 00:19:38,344
- Yeah!
- With anyone other than Kurt?
505
00:19:38,429 --> 00:19:39,511
That was not gonna happen.
506
00:19:39,597 --> 00:19:40,679
I don't think
that's a good thing.
507
00:19:40,765 --> 00:19:42,348
I mean, I was raised
to believe that's the--
508
00:19:42,433 --> 00:19:44,273
The greatest thing,
is, like, you just have sex
509
00:19:44,402 --> 00:19:45,351
- with one person.
- One person.
510
00:19:45,436 --> 00:19:46,435
And I think that
just, like, we--
511
00:19:46,571 --> 00:19:47,937
One special tiny hole
for you to call home.
512
00:19:48,022 --> 00:19:49,188
Well, look, that works,
513
00:19:49,273 --> 00:19:50,322
if you're gonna
stay in whatever
514
00:19:50,441 --> 00:19:51,907
your doomsday cult is,
you know?
515
00:19:51,993 --> 00:19:54,193
If you plan on staying in that,
then I guess that works,
516
00:19:54,278 --> 00:19:55,694
but if you gotta live
in the regular world,
517
00:19:55,780 --> 00:19:57,079
there's too many,
like, options.
518
00:19:57,164 --> 00:19:58,747
- Right.
- And the truth is, like, we're not cheaters.
519
00:19:58,833 --> 00:20:00,282
Like, I want to do it
on the level,
520
00:20:00,368 --> 00:20:01,367
- you know what I mean?
- Yeah.
521
00:20:01,452 --> 00:20:02,534
Like, I don't want
to sneak around.
522
00:20:02,620 --> 00:20:03,953
I want it to be cool
and I just want to do,
523
00:20:04,088 --> 00:20:06,121
like, what is naturally
what people wanna do.
524
00:20:06,207 --> 00:20:07,756
Yeah, and not resent
each other.
525
00:20:07,842 --> 00:20:08,958
And not resent
each other, yeah.
526
00:20:09,043 --> 00:20:10,203
Yeah, it makes--
I don't know.
527
00:20:10,211 --> 00:20:12,261
I think we kind of got-- ended
up closer from it,
528
00:20:12,346 --> 00:20:13,379
if that's weird.
Mm-hmm. I think so.
529
00:20:13,464 --> 00:20:14,430
If that's even possible,
'cause we were
530
00:20:14,515 --> 00:20:16,131
- already really close.
- You were close.
531
00:20:16,267 --> 00:20:18,050
How long have you guys
been together?
532
00:20:18,135 --> 00:20:19,635
Seven years this past winter.
533
00:20:19,770 --> 00:20:20,890
- Yeah, seven years, yeah.
- Wow.
534
00:20:20,938 --> 00:20:23,722
And how long have you been
in an open relationship?
535
00:20:23,808 --> 00:20:25,641
Like, literally since day one.
536
00:20:25,726 --> 00:20:27,359
As soon as you saw
his dick, you went,
537
00:20:27,478 --> 00:20:28,894
"I want my friend
to meet you."
538
00:20:28,980 --> 00:20:30,062
(laughter)
539
00:20:30,147 --> 00:20:32,481
540
00:20:34,118 --> 00:20:37,987
Will you... marry me?
541
00:20:38,072 --> 00:20:40,572
I can't!
542
00:20:40,658 --> 00:20:43,075
I met someone.
543
00:20:45,329 --> 00:20:47,296
I understand.
544
00:20:47,381 --> 00:20:48,831
(whispering)
Sorry.
545
00:20:52,470 --> 00:20:55,387
(laughter)
546
00:20:57,008 --> 00:20:58,390
(Amy)
So easy.
547
00:20:58,509 --> 00:20:59,508
(man)
Mmm, magic.
548
00:21:01,632 --> 00:21:07,632
Sync & corrections by XhmikosR
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549
00:21:07,682 --> 00:21:12,232
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