Original subtitles

Damn!

- Check out that dumper! - Hey, girl!

Fart that ass in my face!

(record scratching)

What's wrong with my ass?

Pretty face? So what?

Big boobs? Big deal!

Hi, I'm Martin Daniels.

Recent clinical studies have shown that these days,

the ass is where it's at.

Black and Latino men have enjoyed a shapely bottom

for years, but now, even normal guys are into it.

Introducing Swanks Push 'Em Downs,

named very much without her permission

after Hilary Swank in "Boys Don't Cry".

Get your badonkadonk out of its badonka-funk!

Using some classified NASA technology,

but mostly bungee cords,

Swanks push your glutes up and your breasts down

and around into your ass,

causing minor internal bleeding and major external hotness,

a condition known in the medical community as worth it.

Hi, I'm Amy Schumer,

and for years, I've enjoyed excellent breasts,

and the male respect that they brought me.

But times and what white guys like have changed

and it's my responsibility as a role model

to change with them.

Wearing Swanks means that I can be taken seriously

and keep my TV show.

I'm really enjoying my new "bladow"!

And my washboard chest.

Hey, I'd like to smush that tush.

Whoa! Check out that butt.

Damn, I want some of that ass.

Guys, it's me, Mom.

Thanks, Swanks.

Swanks!

Sync & corrections by XhmikosR www.addic7ed.com

You know what, I didn't see, um, the Miss America pageant this year.

One of them-- They asked her a really hard question,

she had a really good answer,

but they asked her, like, how would you solve ISIS?

Like, what-- Did you see it?

Like, why are you asking her that?

She had a good answer, but why ask her that?

Like, in the middle of her answer,

they're just gonna, like, chopper her to the Pentagon

and be like, "We like what we heard back there.

We want to hear more."

Like, get outta here.

Look at you, poof. This is precious.

Little ladies, come this way.

All right, big smiles.

Big, big, big smiles.

So much a smile, it hurts.

(girl) I always wanted to do this,

all six years since I've been on this planet.

Seven, eight, now pose.

My name's Amy Merryweather Sherman

and I was put on this green earth to win pageants

and spread the word on the Almighty.

All right, guys, one more time.

Hit, hit, step, hip, hip.

And when you do those hips, I want you to dip.

Really low.

And then pump, pump.

I thought you guys have done this before.

Let's see it.

Come on, let me see your best bet.

Pump, pump!

This is not a tap dance.

If you don't pay attention, I don't know how

I'm gonna help you.

I have more potential in this dance.

Try it one more time.

Can I suggest a pivot here?

Hit it, hit it, hit it, hit it, pivot, pivot, pivot.

(chuckling)

She's so much better than the others.

My daughter, I'm sure you've noticed, is much more beautiful

and has more heft than the other girls,

but, uh, she's struggling with Benjamin Button's disease.

That's not what it's called.

I enjoyed the movie "Benjamin Button",

but it's actually the opposite of that.

She has fetal Red Bull syndrome.

These shoes are too small now.

This morning, they were huge.

(Dr. Freilich) She's six years old.

But she's aging at five times the normal rate.

You gotta understand that you have to act like a pretty princess.

- I am! - This is not--

- No. - I am!

- No, ma'am. No, ma'am. - I am!

- No, ma'am. - I am!

(Dr. Freilich) We really don't know how long she has.

- I am! - No, ma'am.

But we really don't care.

How do we hold our body for the audience?

- Tall and thin. - Right.

- And how do we position ourselves? - To win.

(crunching) Do I hear crunching?

No.

- I told you not to eat. - I don't-- I'm not--

I'm not looking to eat, Mama.

You're not allowed to eat! You'll bloat.

- No, I won't. - Stop it!

Put it down!

I just want the prize!

You want a prize?!

Then win one today!

I love Mommy, 'cause she's my best friend.

She's my support systems.

She always yells at me for eating her food.

Sorry I'm a human being, Mama.

She eats food!

I need a new seat, Mama.

You need new teeth and a new personality.

Every stage mother I met is absolutely crazy.

And it's weird to be the only grounded one in the bunch.

Do you need to defecate, honey?

Well, it...

Mom, can I just get-- Next to the car real quick?

(Amy) Don't move, Mama.

You know, if God didn't want this for my daughter,

then why the hell did he make her so friggin' attractive?

There's major differences between me and these other girls.

I'm smarter, prettier, and a winner,

even though that little Asian girl,

she said I was cheating for even being here.

My mama told me that Asian people are bad luck.

And to pay no mind,

but when they're in front of you, you hold your breath.

You guys want some of this here burrito?

No.

- Burrito? - No.

(raspy) Excuse me, don't breathe.

Save yourself, twins.

Okay, y'all.

Let us give a warm round of applause for the Texas Sparklettes.

(crowd applauds)

Give 'em what they want!

(crowd gasps)

(all murmuring)

Ooh.

(crowd gasps)

(all murmuring)

Now, that was a setback.

(sighs)

I'm real upset my titty ball popped out.

But I'm not gonna let that or anything stop me

from sharing my talent with these future believers.

(sighs)

Oh, these are chewable Vics.

Now I gotta go down a bunch of wine.

You wanna go take some of these and drink some wine with me?

Oh, come on. I gotta show you something.

And you won't regret it.

(crowd applauds)

Thank you, Miss Jada.

Next up, we have Miss Amy Merryweather Sherman.

Her talent is preaching.

(Cleopatricia) Woohoo-hoo!

Blow our doors off, baby!

Hello, brothers, sisters, and the Asian.

I was gonna read from Deuteronomy today,

but instead, I think I'll speak from my rapidly aging heart

and from my Benjamin Button disease,

which I have, but it does not have me.

And I apologize for my titty ball popping out,

but I do not have a male authority figure in my life.

Though I have never met my biological father, y'all.

I have Skyped with him,

but I have met the heavenly Father in person!

And he's here today!

He's in all of you and he's in me!

(crowd gasps)

(woman) Oh, my God.

(man) Cover your eyes.

Wuh-oh.

(man) Ugh, it's like "The Shining".

(woman) Don't they have to be seven?

(all murmuring)

Well, it was better than the kid with the melted hula hoop.

(Amy) Ew!

Amy was disqualified because she had her cycle during her preach,

but we're not gonna let it slow us down.

Amy?

(Amy) Daddy?

Is that you?

Oh, Daddy, you're here.

Hi, Daddy.

I knew you'd come eventually.

- Did you win, sweetpea? - No, Daddy.

I matured all over the stage.

Aw, you'll get 'em next time, little princess.

Thank you, Daddy.

Hello, Harrison.

Hello, Cleopatricia.

I'm just Cleo now.

I'll leave you two be.

(door closes)

I've missed you, Harrison. I...

(gasps)

(sobs)

How old is too young to be in a pageant?

Like, what's the age you think?

I think those kids should be in school.

Have you ever seen a 5-year-old and you were like, "Damn"?

I'm gonna be like,

"I hope she can read and write and count to ten."

- That's better. - Yeah.

Just once in a while,

a six-year-old where you're like, oh, shit!

Mmm! Like that, or no?

- No. - No.

(dogs barking)

Bye, Addison.

Have fun, play nice.

Okay, I left grass fed bison with the woman at the front.

That's all she can eat.

First day dropping 'em off at day care?

Yeah.

I got him when he was ten minutes old.

I'm still breastfeeding him.

Oh, I could never adopt a puppy.

Absolutely not.

Puppies get adopted so quickly.

My Duke, he was 14 when I rescued him.

His owners had just dropped him off at the shelter

to die and I was like, "Nuh-uh, old man."

You're coming with me.

Wow.

Mrs. Belvedere is a rescue from Hurricane Katrina.

She was up on a roof with this little boy

whose parents had drowned, and I just thought,

that little orphan boy can't take care of a dog.

So I choppered in and rescued her right off that roof.

- What happened to the boy? - What boy?

Duke lost his legs when a cop shot him in St. Louis.

Oh, see, my dog has severe body image issues.

You should see how she sees herself.

Well, Addison has advanced stage FOMO.

Fear Of Missing Out.

I had to completely take him off social media.

It's too stressful.

Have you thought about medication?

'Cause my rescue is on Prozac for anxiety.

Yeah, and Duke is on Xanax for separation issues.

Addie's on Valtrex, 'cause we share a prescription,

but that is it for medication, because family history of addiction.

Well, I didn't get my guy vaccinated,

because Jenny McCarthy said it can cause "paw-tism".

I followed her advice, too.

I got my dog a cat, because pets make you live longer.

- Oh. - Yeah.

She knows it all.

There's nothing she doesn't know.

(woman) Bye, Quinoa.

Oh. Cute purebred.

I know, what mall did you get her from?

(chuckling)

The Darfur galleria. It's in the Sudan.

He was a child-dog solider

and was abandoned by the Bedouin militia

when they found out he was gay.

So, I guess I did get him at a mall.

Okay, Daisy, back at day care.

- Is-- is your dog dead? - Yeah.

They just put her down at the pound about a month ago,

and I was like, I'll take her.

I was just doing what any hero would do,

but she's my hero.

- Yeah. - Right on.

My baby has four legs, right?

- I'm always like, "Who rescued who?" - Exactly.

My dog's like a person.

(dog growling)

What's the most obnoxious dog name you ever heard?

Probably like Penelope.

- Like, that's a horrible-- - That's my cat's name!

- No, that's not a dog name. - Oh, okay, thanks.

Would you die for your dog?

Die? No, she only lives about eight years,

so I wouldn't die for her.

- Yeah. - Would you die for your cat?

No, she's basically dead.

- She's on her last paw. - Oh.

- You have a dog? - Used to.

- It died? - Yeah.

It was a she, Peppy.

If Peppy were here, what would you say to Peppy right now?

Aw, I'd just give her a hug and a kiss.

Oh, you know what? We actually are out of time.

(laughing) Umm...

I've gotten rid of literally everything except for this.

Like, what is right here?

It's sexy. It's like another tiny boob.

- Anyway... - Yeah.

Ab, how are you? It's been forever.

How's the "Famdango"? The twins are "perf"

and I have the most wonderful, sexy husband, hashtag love him.

He's hot.

But I would never say this to anyone but you guys.

Sometimes, they're just so exhausting

that I fantasize about running away and just, like,

opening a little bakery in Maine.

- Is that terrible? - No, don't feel like that.

Look, can I stand in my truth?

Safe space.

Well, you know, I have the most amazing life.

- My Pinterest page is almost done. - Almost.

Right, you're gonna help me with that.

I will, as soon as you...

- Get some interests. - Yes.

I'm gonna get some interests, you watch.

And even though it's been ten years,

I just fall, like, a little more in love

with Jeff every day, just like a little more.

But you know what?

When Jeff is, like, violently refusing

to go down on me, you know?

(growls)

I kinda fantasize about just, like,

Snapchatting a picture of my tits to the UPS guy

and just opening a bakery in Maine.

You guys, I love my little Blendel and Dafoe.

Yeah. But sometimes, when "Dora the Explorer" is on again

and they're laughing at literally nothing,

I think about tracking down Dora creator Valerie Walsh Valdes,

Clockwork Orange-ing her eyes open

and making her watch video of my kids singing

that lazy atonal theme song until she cries blood,

and then whipping up some homemade jam for my little bakery in Maine.

Jam is my jam.

(all laughing)

See that? Women are funny.

- Women are funny. - Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

You guys, I'm so blissfully happy.

I gave up my career to home college Tim's adult son.

It is so rewarding.

But sometimes, when I'm sharpening his crayons,

I have this fantasy about giving a homeless guy

one of those giant jackpot checks

and then masturbating furiously in my RAV4

as the bank teller explains that it's fake,

then zipping up I-95 and opening up the cutest bakery in Maine.

Oh! I love that.

I feel like my life is literally curated by angels.

- I've said that to you, right? - A lot.

I've heard that.

I love my life. Love it.

Love it. Love it.

But sometimes, I feel like those angels are telling me

to just, like, "Gone Girl" Jeff, you know?

And then, just, like, lobby congress

to get the age of consent lowered to 15

so I can marry my son's best friend

and just open the most precious whites only bakery in Portland.

(chuckling)

Oregon?

Mmm! Mmm!

Mmm!

Maine.

Oh! Oh, my God.

- I was really scared for a second. - Oh, yeah.

- You need to eat something. - Okay.

So Nikki, how are you?

Well, you know, I realize I've been lying to myself

about a lot of things lately. And that I just wasn't happy.

So I got a divorce, I left my job,

and you guys aren't gonna believe this,

but I actually opened a bakery in Maine.

(exploding sounds)

Hmm.

I know! Scones, mmm.

If you were gonna leave your job,

start over in a new place, what would your fantasy job be?

- Uh, voiceover. - Voiceover?

Yeah, I get compliments all the time about my voice,

so everybody's like,

"You should be in kids' things, or..."

Oh, they're just trying to (bleep) you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

(both laughing)

I would probably be a dancer.

How do you know if you're a good dancer?

People tell you.

What if they just, like,

always tell you you're not a good dancer,

but maybe it's so that they make you stronger.

I don't think-- No.

What if they're just trying to discourage you

every time you've ever danced

because they want you to get great at it.

No, I don't think people do that.

You're just probably bad at it.

- Just bad at dancing. - Yeah, just bad.

Sharleen, you were on "The Bachelor".

I was.

- Let's talk about it. - Ugh, okay.

Why did you go on that show?

- What was I thinking? - Yeah.

I was sort of in a rocky patch with my then-boyfriend.

And I knew they were having a casting event.

And I knew that because I watched the show.

Yeah.

And suddenly they were offering it to me.

And I suddenly was like, "Can I really not do this?"

Did you know who was gonna be at the end of the rainbow?

- Yeah, I knew it was Juan Pablo. - Juan Pablo.

(both laughing)

It's okay.

Um, it seemed like you almost couldn't fathom

why you would want to have sex with him.

Honestly, it sounds crazy,

but I liked his personality as I got to know him.

That does sound crazy.

I know it sounds crazy, but, yeah, he was nice to me.

When did you realize that he was--

Hmm, how do I say this nice?

Really stupid and dumb and a dummy?

- I think Juan Pablo is ESL. - You don't think he's stupid.

You think it's that English isn't his first language.

Like, he didn't get sarcasm that well,

but that doesn't necessarily mean he's not smart,

it just means that,

you know, he gets other sorts of jokes, I guess.

Okay, he's stupid and you're lying,

and so I've been there. (laughing)

Like, the guys that I slept with in college, like, rocks.

Rocks.

Yeah, like, I have slept with people who I would think

might not be as intelligent as I am,

but that sounds so horrible that I'm sure that they have--

I slept with a guy one time after he said this.

He said, "Who would you want to have lunch with,

if you could have lunch with anyone?"

And I said, "Mark Twain".

And he said, "No, they have to be real."

(laughing)

And then I had sex with him. (laughing)

Then I had sex with him, okay?

- So... - I'm sure that he was really hot.

- Yeah, gorgeous. - Yeah.

I do think that--

English was his first language, his very first language.

What did Juan Pablo smell like?

- Man. - Like a man.

When you're living in a house full of women,

that-- that's notable.

Yeah, but you're just so happy to, like, not be--

To be, like, in the presence of a dude.

I mean, we're talking a long time with just women.

Do people sneak into his room and, like, blow him?

I think it can be done.

I'm so easy.

I'd sneak into his room and sit on his face.

I'd be like...

(knocking) Shh!

To be honest, I'm surprised not more people do that.

I feel like that could definitely give you an advantage.

They say a way to a man's heart is through his penis.

- Is that what they say? - Maybe it's stomach.

- Is that how the saying goes? - I know it's in this region.

Um, this is a hypothetical.

- You're in Tampa. - Uh-huh.

And your flight out of there gets canceled,

you're there for the night.

You're in a Legal Seafoods having a beer.

Who walks in?

J.P., Juan Pablo.

Do you guys have sex that night?

How desperate am I?

Haven't had sex in a year.

If it felt right.

- Yeah! - That's a good answer, isn't it?

Me too.

Do you have any questions for me?

Which bachelor would you go on "The Bachelor" for?

I can't think of one, I swear.

- They're all, like, nice. - Shame on you.

And they, like, are religious and--

That's true. I've got to say, that's a big--

They have, like, families they want you to interact with.

That is just-- My vagina goes... (hisses)

She gets in all kinds of mischief.

I mean, one time I came home

and, uh, she was in the python terrarium

and who knows what could happen with that kind of thing.

Shit, I'm sorry, I can't.

(Amy) So easy.

(man) Mmm, magic.

Sync & corrections by XhmikosR www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0