All language subtitles for Inside Amy Schumer s03e03 12 Angry Men Inside Amy Schumer.eng

(gavel banging
crowd murmuring)

The defendant is accused
of committing a heinous crime.

You gentlemen of
the jury are facing

a grave responsibility.
Thank you, gentlemen.

(bailiff) All right, please follow
me to the jury room.

Sync & corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com

(switch clicking)

(grunting)

Supposed to be
the hottest day of the year.

Yep.

Okay, gentlemen,
everybody's here.

If there's anything you want,
I'll be outside.

Just knock.

How'd you like it?

I don't know.
It's pretty interesting.

I've never been
on a jury before.

I was falling asleep,
but, uh...

it's a pretty open
and shut case, so...

We should be out of here soon,
I think.

(man coughs)

All right, let's get started.

Okay, gentlemen...
can we take our seats, please?

Yeah, let's do this fast.

I got tickets to the Adam Levine,
Blake Shelton concert.

They're touring together?

Yeah, it's called
the "Garbage Dick" tour.

(foreman)
Uh, okay, gentlemen...

we could do this one
of a couple ways.

We could discuss and then vote,
or we could vote right now,

see where we stand.

Or, you know, we could,
uh, get in a circle

on the floor and give each other
shoulder massages.

I'm a little tight.

I think it's customary
to take a preliminary vote.

Yeah, let's vote.

Yeah, um, who knows?
Maybe we can all go home.

Okay. Uh, so it's got to be
a 12-0 vote,

either way, that's the law.

So, gentlemen,
raise your hands, please,

if you think that Amy Schumer
is not hot enough

to be on television.
One...

two, three, four, five...

six, seven, eight,
nine, ten, eleven...

That's eleven votes for Amy Schumer
not hot enough for television.

And anybody voting
the other way?

Are you kidding me?

I think she might
be hot enough.

Boy, oh boy,
there's always one.

(man 1) Golly, that
is unexpected.

And when's lunch?

So, I guess I'm gonna miss
that Shelton

"meet and greet"
that I paid for.

You paid for that?

Okay, so-- so what
do we do now?

I guess we talk.

Ugh! You really think
she's attractive?

- I don't know.
- Let's be reasonable.

You sat in that courtroom
and saw the same potato face

we did for three months.
Come on.

This isn't complicated.

It's just another example
of an average-looking chick

who watched
too much "Top Model".

Now she thinks she belongs

on the cover
of (beep) magazine.

I mean, I was convinced
from the first day.

I'm actually not familiar
with (beep) magazine.

- It's "metaphoral".
- He just means

she looks like
an uncooked wiener.

I was convinced too.

Well, who wasn't?
Look, what the heck do you want?

I just want to talk.

I want to ask you something.

- Would you bang her?
- All I'm saying is,

it's not easy for me
to raise my hand

and end a girl's life without
talking about it first.

(sighing) What do you mean,
"end her life"?

Well, her appearance...
so, her life.

It's an undisputed fact

that a woman's value is
mostly determined by her looks.

As it should be.

What do you think
we'll get for lunch?

- Hot dogs?
- That's true.

Look at Susan Boyle, right?

The voice of an angel,

but because she looks
like an 18th century

paperboy, we treat her
like toilet shoes.

Come on!

Can we just vote
and get this over with?

Blake's probably in
the middle of singing

"Hillbilly Bone" right now.

All right, gentlemen,
we should probably

remind ourselves
at this point that today's vote

decides if Amy Schumer is hot
enough to be on the television.

If we decide that
she is not bangable,

then she's gonna lose
her television show,

or... be put
to immediate death.

Or both.
I'm-- I-- you know--

To be honest, I kind of--
I zoned out during that part.

Look, I'm just saying
I'm undecided, is all.

I'm open to the idea,
but I want to be convinced.

So maybe you all
who seem so certain

could try to convince me.

Oh, I don't know!

When I was her age,
girls felt lucky if you just

winked at 'em and let them
make you a tuna melt.

Hear, hear!

Now they all think
they deserve TV shows.

You got, uh...

"Mindy Nightmare," and
"The Lena Girl Holocaust Hour".

Let me ask you a question,
where's Megan Fox's talk show?

I'd see a Kate Upton sitcom.

Okay, but are
those girls funny?

Well, no women are funny.

But, you know, if you
have to hear them blab,

they'd better at least be hot.

(man 2)
Thank you!

But they're not gonna get shows.
You know why?

There's no room left!

All the slots have been
taken by these manatees.

Now this Amy Schumer's
gonna be in a movie?

I mean, we gotta stop this!

A movie?
That's too much.

She's starring in it?

I definitely don't think
she's protagonist hot.

But Kevin James is?

I don't need to think
about (bleep) him.

That's why they hire hot chicks

to stand around him
while he's talking.

I thoroughly enjoyed
"Here Comes the Boom".

Maybe she doesn't have
to not be on TV at all.

You know, maybe
she could play somebody

like a wacky neighbor,
or a divorced obese woman

- with a funny dog.
- Look, the point is,

the more she's out there
flaunting that chipmunk face,

the more her type
becomes acceptable.

Yeah.
People get confused.

It could throw the standard off
for shows everywhere!

Yeah, they'll be thinking
that quirky-looking

dump trucks are okay
to broadcast all over the dial.

We can't let her do that.
(coughing)

Less Melissa McCarthy
and more Jenny McCarthy.

Yeah, she is the funny one.

Remember when she convinced us

not to vaccinate our kids against
easily-preventable diseases?

(men chuckling)
That was hilarious.

You know, I was
in my prime in the '70s,

when everybody had a shit body.

Everyone woman looked (bleep).

We were all hairy, and sweaty,
and we screwed all the time.

It wasn't so bad.

I will say this, when I was

a child in my country
watching "Facts of Life",

sometimes I would pleasure
myself off to the not-hot one.

I didn't even like the hot one.

What was her name?

- Blair.
- Natalie.

- Blair.
- Blair.

Blair.

- Blair.
- Blair.

Wait, did you say Natalie?

Obviously...
not Natalie.

Natalie?

Come on.

(bleep) you guys!

I always thought Miss Garrett
had a certain je ne sais quois.

Clearly, it's subjective.
I'm a Jo guy.

Ooh.
I forgot about Jo.

She would break you in two.

Look, we've all at some point in
our lives gotten a semi for a girl

with a pillowy stomach
or Muppet tits.

And that's all the system
demands for us to acquit Amy.

Does she give us
a reasonable chub?

Not me.

I want to call for a vote
by secret ballot.

I'll abstain.

If there are still 11 votes
against her,

then we'll make it a guilty
verdict and call it a day.

If anyone votes "Hot Enough"...

we'll stay
and talk this thing out.

I like the sound of that.

Uh, here.

Pad, pad-- take one,
pass these around.

Ah, thank you very much,
thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Um...

Let's see what we got here.

That's "Wouldn't Bang."

"Not Hot."
"No."

Uh, "No. Also, (bleep) you guys.
Natalie is hot."

Mm, I think this is just
a picture of Blake Shelton?

Oh, that's a--
That's a "No."

And finally--

"Hot Enough."
(men sighing)

Somebody's changed their vote
to "Amy Schumer is hot enough".

"Adam Levine just sang

'Moves Like Jagger'
with his shirt off."

Come on!

(foreman) So, somebody's
changed their vote

to "Amy Schumer
is hot enough" for TV.

All right, who is it?

Come on! I want to know
who's wasting our time!

Hey, hey, we agreed
to a secret ballot, okay?

It was you, wasn't it?

Makes sense! Where you come
from, they worship elephants!

We don't worship elephants.

One of our gods has
an elephant face.

And a human body!
His body is human, okay?!

(all shouting)
It's on a human body!

Ah, bologna!
Bologna!

He's got a human body!

It was me!

Would you like to know why?

I think she'd be grateful to get
a slip of the old prosciutt'.

Might be a turn-on.

You get a tight little number
like Angela Lansbury,

she'd just lay there entitled.

Schumer'd probably work for it.

The dying man is right.

A desperate girl like that
will just beg you for it.

I see his point.

What plumps my frank is when a
girl can't do better than me.

Right, like when
they're accessible.

Like, uh, Rosario Dawson.

Or Jennifer Aniston.

She would shatter you in half.

Can we talk about
facts, please?

You're all talking
about opinions,

but there are facts
that tell us definitively

that this woman is objectively
not appealing.

Yes, let's talk about facts.

I'll give you a fact.
She's a filthy whore-mouth!

Just look at her
stand-up set list.

When a woman talks like
a sailor, that's not hot!

That's unnatural!

Just look at
the words she uses

to remember her
so-called "jokes".

Look at this,
"reversible condoms".

"Boner souffle".
"Pinecone pussy".

Yeah, that's only three.

But there are about
30 words on here

that have
nothing to do with sex.

Uh, "First dates, airports,
Obama Muslim", see?

Plus, just because
she talks about sex

doesn't mean
she sleeps around.

Well, then she's worse
than a whore.

She's a tease!

Clowning around up on stage,

yapping about her clam
without using it.

Exactly! Why else would
she have that dildo

they found in her green room?

- Yes!
- Hmm?

You tell me that!

That supposedly hot
and (bleep) girl, huh?

The one she bought that was
the size of a midget's fist!

Why do you need one of those
if guys want to (bleep) you, hmm?

Hmm?
Hmm?!

- Let's talk about that!
- All right, let's talk about it.

Let's get it in here
and take a look at it.

You want to see the dildo?
He wants to see the dildo,

he's gonna see the dildo.

(man 2) We all know
what it looks like,

but what are we gonna get
from seeing it again?

I'm sick of it.
I've seen it ten times!

(man 3) The gentleman has a right
to see the exhibits in evidence.

(man 4) A dildo is pretty good
evidence no one will pork her.

My God, it looks like a femur.

(man 4) I mean, why even
make those things?

Women don't need orgasms.

That's science.

Lots of people have them.

I have one.

- Hey, what's the big idea!
- Whoa!

What are you playing at?

Oh, bother.
It's my wife's.

She doesn't use it
because she's alone.

Quite the opposite, actually.

We use it, and we love it.

He must be hung like a hamster.

I am perfectly average.

And I have a donkey dick.

Hey, let's take another vote.

If anybody thinks that Amy
Schumer shouldn't be on the TV

'cause she's not hot enough
for whatever reason...

raise your hands.

And those who think
that she is hot enough?

You're on board
with the toad now?

I wanted to (bleep) Natalie,
from "Facts of Life".

I did.
I wanted to (bleep) her,

and I wanted to fall asleep
with my head on her stomach.

And Amy is hotter
than Natalie, so...

I'm sorry...
but I'd (bleep) both of 'em!

And I want to (bleep)
Blake Shelton.

Has the world gone mad?

This girl thinks she deserves
to be on camera?

She's not a "10"!

Maybe you're not a "10" either.

- (bleep) you, man!
- (all) Hey, hey, hey!

(bleep) you, man!
(bleep) you!

Do you really mean that?

Do you really
want to (bleep) me?

Or are you just being a tease?

So, you just carry that
around wherever you go?

In case a dildo-based
argument breaks out?

(foreman) So we've now voted
16 more times,

and the vote now stands at 9-3

in favor of Amy Schumer
is hot enough.

So we're kind of
in a pickle here.

(traffic honking)

(man 5) I'm willing to listen
to your arguments.

I just still don't have
a reasonable chub.

And honestly, I'm losing faith

that you're going to be able
to convince me to have one.

Do you wear your glasses when
you watch television at night?

Like, when you're in bed
before you go to sleep?

Well, not always.
Why?

Do we really need
to look at her again?

She's built like a lineman,

and she has Cabbage
Patch-like features.

Her ass makes me furious!

I mean, it's just sitting there,
like an asshole.

And her mouth!
It's so small.

How does a girl get so big
with a mouth that small?

Yeah.
(chuckling)

How far away is your TV
from your bed?

- I'd say about ten feet.
- Okay.

I'm gonna measure out ten feet.

Oh, for crying out loud!

- This is a circus!
- Nine... ten.

Take a look at her now.

What do you think?

Pass.

Okay, fine.
Take your glasses off.

When you're in bed,
do you drink?

Every night until I black out.

- What of it?
- Yeah, what of it?

So, you're laying in bed drunk.

You don't have your glasses on,
so some of her flaws are softened.

Correct.

So you're just seeing
a general blondeness.

And legs, and boobs,
and, presumably, a vagina.

Presumably.

If you left your glasses off...
isn't it possible...

you would consider at least
a few exploratory tugs?

I would.

I have a reasonable chub.
Excuse me.

(man 2) This doesn't
mean anything.

I got perfect eyesight.

She never stops looking
like John C. Reilly to me.

Why can't we have
Marilyn Monroe back, huh?

Do you know what size
Marilyn Monroe was?

- She was an eight!
- So?

- Amy's a six.
- I don't give a damn!

- Do you have a reasonable chub?
- Get out of my face!

- Do you have a reasonable chub?
- No!

Let's see it!
Prove it!

- He does.
- That's a chub.

It's a full chub.

God help me.

Am I the only one
thinking with his dick?!

Just look at her!

This isn't someone
I want to see

come out of
a bathroom at Penn Station,

let alone on my TV in my home!

What, 'cause
they can tell a joke

they think that's gonna
make you forget

they have an ass on 'em like
a mom on disability, huh?

Oh, 'cause she's a little
charming, and insightful?

And her-- her hair
smells like apple pie...

you're gonna secretly
fall in love with her?

And ask her to prom...
(choking up)

And you're gonna turn me down?!

You (bleep) bitch, Tonya!

Why didn't
you like me back? Why?!

(quietly)
You...

(crying)

All right.

You can be on TV.
I'd bang her!

Basic cable.

(crying)

Okay, gentlemen...

gather your coats
and come along with me.

(footsteps approaching)

Oh, your Honor!

Oh, Amy.
I didn't see you there.

I thought you were
a garden gnome.

Well, the verdict is in.

The jury agreed that
they would bang you.

(sighing)
Yes!

You're hot enough for
basic cable television.

Thank you, your Honor.
Thank you so much!

Oh, wait a minute,
where are you going?

They've all left.

I'm going to get my dildo.

I'd give that ass a... four?

- Did you ever see "Twelve Angry Men"?
- No.

- Have you heard of it?
- Yes.

Good enough.
(chuckling)

Did you ever see
"Twelve Angry Men"?

Yeah, I read the play.

Do you think people
want to see

a remake of a '50s play, um,

because we told Comedy Central
that the answer was "Yes".

Did you ever see
"Twelve Angry Men"?

- Yeah.
- Wouldn't you love

to see like a remake of that?

- No.
- Shut up!

Who's your favorite girl
on "Facts of Life"?

(chuckling)
Natalie?

All right.
(chuckling)

A man who stands in his power.

Do you think that you have
to be hot to be on TV?

- Kind of, yeah.
- Yeah.

- Who's the hottest woman on TV?
- Sofia "Vergata"?

Sofia "Vergata"?
Vergara?

"Modern Family" woman.

Sofia Vergara
and her accent, her boobs.

(Amy) Do you think
she's funny?

- Uh, not entirely, no.
- Okay, okay.

But you're happy when
you see her come on-screen?

Yes.

Would you watch a talk show
if it were hosted by Kate Upton?

I mean, yeah, for Kate Upton.

- Kate Middleton?
- Yeah.

- Mary-Kate Olsen?
- No.

"Kate... Plus 8".

I have no idea what that is.

(knocking at door)

(man 2) What are
we gonna get--

Can we see the dildo, please?

(director) Cut. Let's get that
one more time.

(laughter)

He frightened me.
(laughter)

It's my--
(thumping)

- Mm-hmm.
- ...Pork her.

(chuckling)

You're hot enough for
basic cable television.

But... I was on trial
for vehicular manslaughter.

Uh...

(director) Let's-- let's, uh--
Let's talk about it.

Now you give me one of those.

Oh, right! Um...
(laughter)

What about the (bleep)?!

She's built like a lineman,

and she has Cabbage
Patch-like features.

Her ass makes me furious!

It's just...

Sitting there like an assho--

(laughter)

(man 2) And then
there's her mouth!

(laughter)

Keep going, I'm fine.

(laughter)

He's still in the--
(laughter)

(woman)
So easy!

(man)
Mmm, magic!

Sync & corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com

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