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1
00:00:00,484 --> 00:00:04,403
Amy, you're my best friend.
We do everything together.
2
00:00:04,488 --> 00:00:05,988
We love to have tea parties.
3
00:00:06,073 --> 00:00:07,373
And dance parties.
4
00:00:07,491 --> 00:00:10,125
(woman) Get ready for a
day of fun and glamour
5
00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:13,829
when you're hanging out with Amy,
the official Amy Schumer doll.
6
00:00:13,964 --> 00:00:16,048
Look, she's spicing up
her coffee.
7
00:00:16,072 --> 00:00:17,834
"Why's it so bright in here?"
8
00:00:17,835 --> 00:00:19,075
Glamorous.
(alarm clock ringing)
9
00:00:19,086 --> 00:00:21,754
1:00 P.M.! We're allowed
to wake her up now.
10
00:00:21,839 --> 00:00:24,757
She's waking up in a
stranger's bed again.
11
00:00:24,842 --> 00:00:26,392
She's so popular.
12
00:00:26,510 --> 00:00:27,726
(record skipping)
Uh-oh.
13
00:00:27,845 --> 00:00:29,178
No wrappers on the floor.
14
00:00:29,263 --> 00:00:30,929
Time for Plan B.
15
00:00:31,015 --> 00:00:33,849
Amy comes complete with a
variety of accessories,
16
00:00:33,984 --> 00:00:37,469
including a purse for her essentials
that you can dump on the table.
17
00:00:37,555 --> 00:00:38,687
What's in your purse, Amy?
18
00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:42,174
Birth control, Lexapro,
dusty candy corn,
19
00:00:42,193 --> 00:00:44,660
and a business card
from a Tekserve employee
20
00:00:44,745 --> 00:00:46,862
that gave her a vibe.
21
00:00:46,947 --> 00:00:50,999
Amy also comes with a six-pack of
cranberry juice to help her UTI.
22
00:00:51,085 --> 00:00:53,419
You'll feel better soon, Amy.
23
00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:56,588
Dress her in three
different outfits
24
00:00:56,707 --> 00:00:58,290
that hide her problem areas:
25
00:00:58,376 --> 00:00:59,591
a crop top...
26
00:00:59,710 --> 00:01:01,927
This shows off
her tramp stamp.
27
00:01:02,046 --> 00:01:03,379
...skinny jeans
to keep in the closet...
28
00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:04,797
For someday.
29
00:01:04,882 --> 00:01:07,933
...and one nice thing for court.
(gavel bangs)
30
00:01:08,052 --> 00:01:08,934
(girls laughing)
31
00:01:09,053 --> 00:01:12,020
It's okay, Amy, you can fall
asleep in your clothes again.
32
00:01:12,106 --> 00:01:13,772
Don't forget
to sleep on your side.
33
00:01:13,891 --> 00:01:15,941
(Amy retching)
34
00:01:16,060 --> 00:01:19,111
It's Amy,
the official Amy Schumer doll
35
00:01:19,230 --> 00:01:21,447
from the makers of Fat Babs.
36
00:01:21,565 --> 00:01:23,949
37
00:01:25,073 --> 00:01:31,073
Sync & corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
38
00:01:31,158 --> 00:01:32,908
I dress in a way
where I accentuate
39
00:01:33,043 --> 00:01:34,960
the parts of myself
that I know are good.
40
00:01:35,079 --> 00:01:36,178
Like, my wrists are very--
41
00:01:36,263 --> 00:01:39,882
A lot of people
respond well to those.
42
00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:42,167
And then, only the people
in the front are enjoying 'em,
43
00:01:42,253 --> 00:01:43,919
but my ankles...
44
00:01:44,004 --> 00:01:46,972
Right?
Great ankles on me, right?
45
00:01:47,091 --> 00:01:48,424
Mm.
46
00:01:48,559 --> 00:01:52,094
And then shit hits the fan
yay here.
47
00:01:52,229 --> 00:01:54,480
Like, you can't totally tell,
48
00:01:54,598 --> 00:01:56,932
but under this,
it's just like a lava lamp.
49
00:01:57,067 --> 00:01:58,600
Like...
50
00:01:58,736 --> 00:02:01,854
shit's moving around.
51
00:02:01,939 --> 00:02:04,773
52
00:02:04,909 --> 00:02:08,494
I am zonked.
53
00:02:10,247 --> 00:02:12,164
- I need a drink.
- Yeah, me too.
54
00:02:12,283 --> 00:02:13,415
This week was a shit show.
55
00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:14,823
Let's go somewhere
we can get nuts.
56
00:02:14,848 --> 00:02:17,419
Totally. I'm ready to
get completely bananas.
57
00:02:17,505 --> 00:02:20,322
- Dude, what about Bangers?
- Yo, totally down for it...
58
00:02:20,357 --> 00:02:23,559
but I don't know if Amy...
wants to go to a strip club.
59
00:02:23,594 --> 00:02:26,044
Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me?
60
00:02:26,130 --> 00:02:28,180
Oh, my God!
I'm cool with it.
61
00:02:28,299 --> 00:02:30,182
Oh, my God,
it's actually my pref.
62
00:02:30,301 --> 00:02:31,467
Oh, we're going.
63
00:02:31,602 --> 00:02:33,185
(chuckles)
Come on!
64
00:02:33,304 --> 00:02:34,219
Let's go.
65
00:02:34,305 --> 00:02:35,554
Whoo!
66
00:02:35,639 --> 00:02:38,140
67
00:02:38,275 --> 00:02:39,274
Whoo!
68
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:40,692
I like the dark-haired lady.
69
00:02:40,811 --> 00:02:43,645
She's so pretty.
I like the Asian one.
70
00:02:43,781 --> 00:02:45,364
Excuse me, are you Asian?
71
00:02:45,483 --> 00:02:47,416
Okay, how do I get
your face and your body
72
00:02:47,451 --> 00:02:48,817
and your ass and your tits--
73
00:02:48,953 --> 00:02:50,869
Ah-ya-ya-ya-ya--
On and on and on.
74
00:02:50,988 --> 00:02:51,870
You're so pretty.
75
00:02:51,989 --> 00:02:53,956
- Should we order some beers?
- Beers?
76
00:02:54,041 --> 00:02:56,158
(Bleep) you!
We're getting shots.
77
00:02:56,293 --> 00:02:57,626
Five Fireballs...
78
00:02:57,711 --> 00:02:59,828
uh, and two of 'em
are for me, okay?
79
00:02:59,914 --> 00:03:02,414
I'm cool with that,
so... whatever.
80
00:03:02,500 --> 00:03:04,249
(chuckles)
Watch this.
81
00:03:04,335 --> 00:03:06,502
Watch this, you guys,
all right? Okay.
82
00:03:08,889 --> 00:03:11,006
I am so cool with that.
(chuckles)
83
00:03:11,141 --> 00:03:12,307
Oh, all right.
84
00:03:12,393 --> 00:03:13,842
- Oh, there we go.
- Ah-ah-ah!
85
00:03:13,978 --> 00:03:16,478
Shots, shots, shots, shots,
shots, shots, shots!
86
00:03:16,564 --> 00:03:17,646
Yeah, yeah.
87
00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:20,349
Right?! Wait, but, no,
for real though.
88
00:03:20,484 --> 00:03:21,934
Seriously.
Hey.
89
00:03:22,019 --> 00:03:23,268
You want a lap dance?
90
00:03:23,354 --> 00:03:24,403
Thank you, no.
91
00:03:24,522 --> 00:03:25,854
Yes! What, are we
at Whole Foods?
92
00:03:25,940 --> 00:03:27,906
That's what we came here
to do, right?
93
00:03:28,025 --> 00:03:29,575
You know what? (Bleep) this.
I'm getting onstage.
94
00:03:29,693 --> 00:03:30,859
I don't even give a shit.
95
00:03:30,995 --> 00:03:32,995
- Yes, I'm doing it.
- Amy, don't.
96
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,247
Watch this.
You don't even know me at work.
97
00:03:35,366 --> 00:03:37,366
I'm crazy on the weekend.
98
00:03:37,501 --> 00:03:38,700
You can't be up there.
99
00:03:38,786 --> 00:03:40,252
You guys don't even know.
I'm cooler.
100
00:03:40,371 --> 00:03:41,286
Ow!
101
00:03:41,372 --> 00:03:42,588
(groans)
102
00:03:42,706 --> 00:03:44,423
(man)
No, are you serious?
103
00:03:44,542 --> 00:03:46,142
Vin Diesel could totally
beat up a shark.
104
00:03:46,176 --> 00:03:47,593
(man 2) Man, that's not even...
that's not even...
105
00:03:47,711 --> 00:03:49,545
I would totally bang a shark.
106
00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:53,849
Oh, my God, I'm so drunk.
(laughing)
107
00:03:53,934 --> 00:03:55,384
I think I'm out of gas
for the night.
108
00:03:55,519 --> 00:03:56,935
No (bleep)ing way, Luke!
109
00:03:57,054 --> 00:03:59,855
We're going to (bleep)ing go
to the champagne room.
110
00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:01,473
It's done!
All right?
111
00:04:01,559 --> 00:04:03,809
I already paid for it
with my money.
112
00:04:03,894 --> 00:04:06,778
- Really?
- Okay? I'm cool with it.
113
00:04:06,897 --> 00:04:08,814
Suck his (bleep)!
114
00:04:08,899 --> 00:04:11,066
(laughing)
115
00:04:11,151 --> 00:04:14,820
I mean, my dream horse
is a palomino
116
00:04:14,905 --> 00:04:17,406
'cause they look
like they're gold,
117
00:04:17,541 --> 00:04:19,875
but that's, like, out of my--
118
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:21,877
That's expensive
is what I'm saying.
119
00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:23,295
Amy. Come here.
120
00:04:23,414 --> 00:04:25,080
She goes to night school.
121
00:04:25,165 --> 00:04:26,331
I don't know what happened.
122
00:04:26,417 --> 00:04:27,537
We were just messing around,
123
00:04:27,585 --> 00:04:29,885
doing some really basic
choke stuff,
124
00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:31,003
and she stopped moving.
125
00:04:31,088 --> 00:04:32,220
Oh, shit!
126
00:04:32,306 --> 00:04:33,972
We-- we-- have to call 911.
127
00:04:34,091 --> 00:04:36,091
Yeah, right, we're calling 911.
128
00:04:36,226 --> 00:04:37,976
Are you serious?
No.
129
00:04:38,095 --> 00:04:40,429
Would you call 911
if it was just you guys?
130
00:04:40,564 --> 00:04:41,597
Yes.
131
00:04:41,732 --> 00:04:43,899
Stop talking out of
your pussy right now.
132
00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:45,567
(drunkenly)
I'm cool with it!
133
00:04:45,653 --> 00:04:48,604
Get her legs.
I'll get her arms.
134
00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:51,823
I can't take this anymore.
135
00:04:51,942 --> 00:04:54,026
You guys, go home!
136
00:04:54,111 --> 00:04:55,944
I got this.
137
00:04:56,030 --> 00:04:57,162
Seriously?
138
00:04:57,281 --> 00:04:59,615
(drunkenly)
Yeah, I'm cool with it!
139
00:04:59,750 --> 00:05:02,117
If you don't leave me
all by myself
140
00:05:02,252 --> 00:05:04,119
to bury this dead stripper,
141
00:05:04,204 --> 00:05:06,505
I'll be super mad at you guys.
142
00:05:06,624 --> 00:05:08,624
See you at work on Monday.
143
00:05:10,127 --> 00:05:12,878
Boo work!
We hate work. Blech!
144
00:05:12,963 --> 00:05:14,963
We love weekends though!
145
00:05:16,266 --> 00:05:19,518
I'll just be here
doing 100% of the work
146
00:05:19,637 --> 00:05:23,805
even though at work
I make 78 cents on the dollar.
147
00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:26,108
Hi, I'm Amy Schumer,
148
00:05:26,193 --> 00:05:28,343
and I'd like to talk to you
about an important issue--
149
00:05:28,428 --> 00:05:30,078
The wage gap for women.
150
00:05:30,114 --> 00:05:32,064
Write to your
congressperson today
151
00:05:32,149 --> 00:05:34,366
and tell them you're
not cool with it.
152
00:05:34,485 --> 00:05:35,701
(gasps)
153
00:05:35,819 --> 00:05:36,985
(screams)
154
00:05:38,155 --> 00:05:40,122
(groans)
155
00:05:40,207 --> 00:05:41,957
Or just support
raising minimum wage.
156
00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:44,409
Two-thirds of minimum-wage
workers are women.
157
00:05:44,495 --> 00:05:46,828
Here's looking at you
158
00:05:46,914 --> 00:05:50,666
And here's looking
at us, yeah
159
00:05:50,801 --> 00:05:52,300
After everything...
160
00:05:52,386 --> 00:05:53,468
Have you ever gone
to a strip club?
161
00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:55,337
- Yes.
- Did you like it?
162
00:05:55,472 --> 00:05:56,588
- Nope.
- No?
163
00:05:56,674 --> 00:05:58,256
Did you pretend like
you were cool with it?
164
00:05:58,342 --> 00:06:00,092
Nope, I sat in the corner.
165
00:06:00,177 --> 00:06:01,760
Did you ever have a boyfriend
that you pretended
166
00:06:01,845 --> 00:06:03,845
like you were cool with
something when you weren't?
167
00:06:03,847 --> 00:06:07,399
Like every single one.
(laughing)
168
00:06:07,518 --> 00:06:09,101
So, you like
going to strip clubs.
169
00:06:09,186 --> 00:06:10,519
I actually wanna be a stripper.
170
00:06:10,654 --> 00:06:13,105
Really?
Is that true?
171
00:06:13,190 --> 00:06:14,990
Always-- it's always
been a fantasy of mine
172
00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:16,858
since I was, like,
in high school.
173
00:06:16,994 --> 00:06:18,176
Where would you wanna do it?
174
00:06:18,195 --> 00:06:19,461
- In the Bronx.
- You know what?
175
00:06:19,496 --> 00:06:22,447
I feel like that dream
is super attainable.
176
00:06:22,533 --> 00:06:25,200
177
00:06:36,176 --> 00:06:39,510
Girl, it ain't no lie
just look deep into my eyes
178
00:06:39,596 --> 00:06:41,763
You're perfect and I think
you should know
179
00:06:41,848 --> 00:06:43,147
You should know
180
00:06:43,233 --> 00:06:45,083
That you don't need
no lipstick
181
00:06:45,185 --> 00:06:46,934
You don't need no blush
182
00:06:47,020 --> 00:06:51,105
'Cause you've got
that inner natural glow
183
00:06:51,191 --> 00:06:53,107
Magazines say that
you're whack
184
00:06:53,193 --> 00:06:54,609
Girl, don't believe them
185
00:06:54,694 --> 00:06:56,778
Just leave that
tabloid trash on the rack
186
00:06:56,863 --> 00:06:58,413
Girl, don't you read them
187
00:06:58,531 --> 00:07:01,999
You're beautiful
and who cares what they think
188
00:07:02,085 --> 00:07:05,369
Now wash that loving face off
in the sink
189
00:07:05,455 --> 00:07:07,839
In the sink, girl
190
00:07:07,924 --> 00:07:09,540
Girl, you don't need makeup
191
00:07:09,626 --> 00:07:11,426
You're perfect
when you wake up
192
00:07:11,544 --> 00:07:15,379
Just walk around
like that all day
193
00:07:15,465 --> 00:07:17,014
Wipe that goop off
of your face
194
00:07:17,117 --> 00:07:19,133
I'll take you
to a special place
195
00:07:19,219 --> 00:07:22,303
It's something that
I've got to say
196
00:07:22,388 --> 00:07:26,357
Wipe it off (whoo)
wipe it off (yeah)
197
00:07:26,443 --> 00:07:29,727
Wipe it off (let's go, girl)
wipe it off
198
00:07:29,863 --> 00:07:32,780
Ho-ho-ho-hold up, girl
we spoke too soon
199
00:07:32,899 --> 00:07:34,398
With this whole
no makeup tune
200
00:07:34,484 --> 00:07:37,235
We kinda changed our mind
on the makeup thing
201
00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:39,954
You'll be the
hottest girl in the nation
202
00:07:40,073 --> 00:07:41,489
With just a touch
of foundation
203
00:07:41,574 --> 00:07:44,826
Girl, I can't be seen with
the ghost from "The Ring"
204
00:07:44,911 --> 00:07:48,830
I didn't know that your lashes
were so stubby and pale
205
00:07:48,915 --> 00:07:52,717
Just a little mascara
and you'll look female
206
00:07:52,802 --> 00:07:56,137
Please listen, girl
what we're trying to say
207
00:07:56,256 --> 00:07:58,089
Just get up an hour earlier
208
00:07:58,174 --> 00:08:00,925
And you can make yourself
much girlier
209
00:08:01,010 --> 00:08:02,477
Much girlier
210
00:08:02,595 --> 00:08:04,011
Girl, you don't
need makeup
211
00:08:04,097 --> 00:08:05,563
You're perfect
when you wake up
212
00:08:05,648 --> 00:08:09,901
Just don't go outside
like that, okay
213
00:08:09,986 --> 00:08:13,604
Just a little makeup
some natural looking makeup
214
00:08:13,690 --> 00:08:16,524
What more do I have to say
215
00:08:16,609 --> 00:08:18,576
Just put it on
216
00:08:18,661 --> 00:08:20,244
Put it on
I'm trying.
217
00:08:20,330 --> 00:08:24,832
Just put it on
put it on
218
00:08:24,951 --> 00:08:28,619
Na-na-na, na-na-na
na-na-na-na, na-na
219
00:08:28,705 --> 00:08:32,123
Na-na-na, na-na-na
that's not enough, girl
220
00:08:32,208 --> 00:08:34,292
- More?
-
Na-na-na, na-na-na
221
00:08:34,427 --> 00:08:38,095
Na-na-na-na, na-na
na-na-na, na-na-na
222
00:08:38,181 --> 00:08:40,464
Na, na!
223
00:08:40,550 --> 00:08:42,133
Girl, I wanna get real with you.
224
00:08:42,218 --> 00:08:44,018
I got a lot of regrets
in my life.
225
00:08:44,137 --> 00:08:46,053
I regret missing
my father's funeral
226
00:08:46,139 --> 00:08:47,355
to audition for "The Voice."
227
00:08:47,473 --> 00:08:50,308
I regret being high
when my niece was born.
228
00:08:50,393 --> 00:08:53,227
But most of all, I regret
telling you not to wear makeup.
229
00:08:53,313 --> 00:08:54,729
That's on me.
230
00:08:54,814 --> 00:08:57,565
But what's on you is
hopefully more makeup.
231
00:08:57,650 --> 00:08:59,984
See, it's like I tore up
the shag carpet
232
00:09:00,119 --> 00:09:01,986
assuming there were
hardwood floors underneath.
233
00:09:02,121 --> 00:09:04,539
But it turn out to be
just dirty linoleum.
234
00:09:04,657 --> 00:09:06,741
These are just metaphors, girl.
235
00:09:06,826 --> 00:09:09,710
But they are about your face.
236
00:09:09,829 --> 00:09:13,214
Girl, you do need makeup
lots and lots of makeup
237
00:09:13,333 --> 00:09:16,667
Think of a clown
and then work your way back
238
00:09:16,753 --> 00:09:18,836
You are great
except your face, girl
239
00:09:18,972 --> 00:09:21,088
So don't take off
your makeup
240
00:09:21,174 --> 00:09:23,758
Wear it when
you sleep and swim
241
00:09:23,843 --> 00:09:25,343
We met someone else
we're out
242
00:09:31,601 --> 00:09:34,936
243
00:09:35,021 --> 00:09:37,341
(Amy narrating) Back in Pittsburgh,
I worked murder police.
244
00:09:37,357 --> 00:09:41,075
I was good at my job, but then
a case took me to Miami.
245
00:09:41,194 --> 00:09:44,111
Being plain made me
invisible to the perfect.
246
00:09:44,197 --> 00:09:47,365
And being invisible made me
the perfect detective.
247
00:09:48,835 --> 00:09:51,836
They call me Plain Jane,
plain-clothes detective.
248
00:09:54,707 --> 00:09:56,090
You wanted to see me, Chief?
249
00:09:56,209 --> 00:09:59,093
Um, I got a case for you,
Plain Jane.
250
00:09:59,212 --> 00:10:00,528
You know my name's
Amy, right, Chief?
251
00:10:00,546 --> 00:10:02,546
Plain Jane's just a nickname
I can't seem to shake.
252
00:10:02,682 --> 00:10:05,132
Two bikini models were
poisoned last night.
253
00:10:05,151 --> 00:10:05,868
Oh, no.
254
00:10:05,893 --> 00:10:08,436
There's a tainted shipment
of diet cocaine out there.
255
00:10:08,554 --> 00:10:10,721
We've tracked it down
to this supplier.
256
00:10:10,857 --> 00:10:13,274
Santos Alvarez.
257
00:10:13,393 --> 00:10:16,310
He's gonna be at a smoking-hot
model party tonight
258
00:10:16,396 --> 00:10:18,646
at Club Cuerpo Caliente.
259
00:10:18,731 --> 00:10:20,231
Oh, Club Hot Body, I know it.
260
00:10:20,316 --> 00:10:22,566
I'm thinking we can
get you in undercover,
261
00:10:22,652 --> 00:10:24,785
as a replacement bartender.
262
00:10:24,904 --> 00:10:27,488
No need, Chief, hot people
don't see me, like, at all.
263
00:10:27,573 --> 00:10:29,657
(hitting desk)
God damn it, Plain Jane.
264
00:10:29,742 --> 00:10:32,076
If only inner beauty mattered.
265
00:10:32,211 --> 00:10:34,745
I wouldn't be half the cop
I am today, Chief.
266
00:10:34,881 --> 00:10:37,465
267
00:10:37,583 --> 00:10:40,251
Maybe just a little rouge.
268
00:10:40,386 --> 00:10:42,970
(dance music playing)
269
00:10:43,089 --> 00:10:44,839
(Amy narrating) If this club were
in Pittsburgh,
270
00:10:44,924 --> 00:10:46,974
I would've been spotted
a mile away.
271
00:10:47,093 --> 00:10:49,310
But in the land
of perfect tens,
272
00:10:49,429 --> 00:10:50,761
threes just don't count.
273
00:10:50,847 --> 00:10:52,430
What can I get for you?
274
00:10:52,565 --> 00:10:54,598
Oh-- I'll have
a club soda and--
275
00:10:54,684 --> 00:10:56,233
Skinny girl energy drink.
276
00:10:56,319 --> 00:10:58,486
Oh, God damn it.
277
00:10:58,604 --> 00:11:00,604
There's something
wrong with this stool.
278
00:11:00,690 --> 00:11:03,607
Uh-huh, old and busted.
279
00:11:03,693 --> 00:11:06,027
(Amy narrating)
That's when I spotted Santos.
280
00:11:06,112 --> 00:11:11,115
281
00:11:23,379 --> 00:11:26,214
Here is my 100k.
282
00:11:26,933 --> 00:11:28,883
Where's the diet cocaine?
(crunching)
283
00:11:28,968 --> 00:11:30,968
Hey, what's that noise?
284
00:11:31,054 --> 00:11:32,186
Hey, is this a setup, man?
285
00:11:32,305 --> 00:11:34,138
No, of course not, tranquilo.
286
00:11:34,273 --> 00:11:35,773
There's nobody here
but us, okay?
287
00:11:35,858 --> 00:11:39,977
Nobody but us and that
moldy compost bin.
288
00:11:40,113 --> 00:11:42,947
289
00:11:43,032 --> 00:11:44,648
Okay.
290
00:11:48,404 --> 00:11:50,988
Here's the coke.
Try it.
291
00:11:51,124 --> 00:11:52,573
Freeze!
It's poison!
292
00:11:52,658 --> 00:11:56,243
Do you guys hear, like,
a fat wind howling?
293
00:11:56,329 --> 00:11:57,578
Let me try
the God damn diet cocaine.
294
00:11:57,663 --> 00:11:59,330
- Slow up, bitch, I'll do it.
- Get off, I was first!
295
00:11:59,415 --> 00:12:00,575
(man)
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
296
00:12:00,633 --> 00:12:04,585
Stop fighting
and start snorting.
297
00:12:04,670 --> 00:12:05,669
(screaming)
298
00:12:05,755 --> 00:12:07,421
Oh, puta madre.
299
00:12:07,507 --> 00:12:09,590
Okay, who brought in
the bag of wet leaves?
300
00:12:09,675 --> 00:12:11,892
- You're coming with me, dirtbags.
- Hey!
301
00:12:12,011 --> 00:12:14,395
Is that inflatable snowman
wearing a birthday hat a cop?
302
00:12:14,514 --> 00:12:15,914
You have the right
to remain silent.
303
00:12:16,015 --> 00:12:17,648
Anything you say can and will--
304
00:12:17,734 --> 00:12:19,266
(grunts, groans)
305
00:12:19,352 --> 00:12:21,018
I think the snowman is--
Is leaking.
306
00:12:21,104 --> 00:12:23,521
Just go see if you can
squeeze the air out of it.
307
00:12:23,656 --> 00:12:24,688
(air leaking)
308
00:12:26,993 --> 00:12:29,777
Freeze, "vendejo"!
309
00:12:29,862 --> 00:12:32,363
All right, book 'em, boys.
310
00:12:32,999 --> 00:12:34,698
Another case closed.
311
00:12:36,035 --> 00:12:38,953
Plain Jane has disappeared again.
312
00:12:39,038 --> 00:12:41,705
Chief, I'm right here.
313
00:12:41,841 --> 00:12:42,757
Oh!
314
00:12:42,875 --> 00:12:44,959
I thought that you were a...
315
00:12:45,044 --> 00:12:47,962
jumbo sleeve of cookie dough.
316
00:12:48,047 --> 00:12:49,547
You're not even
hotter than me, Chief,
317
00:12:49,682 --> 00:12:51,382
we're in the same league.
318
00:12:51,467 --> 00:12:55,386
Yeah, but, uh...
I believe in myself.
319
00:12:55,521 --> 00:12:57,271
(chuckles)
320
00:12:57,390 --> 00:13:01,192
321
00:13:07,067 --> 00:13:09,568
You don't have to do this,
this is my job, I can just do it.
322
00:13:09,653 --> 00:13:11,570
No, I mean, why do
you have two jobs
323
00:13:11,655 --> 00:13:13,255
when your boyfriend
is sitting on his ass?
324
00:13:13,290 --> 00:13:16,324
It's his dream, okay?
He's following his dream.
325
00:13:16,460 --> 00:13:18,994
"His dream."
Ugh, he's terrible.
326
00:13:19,129 --> 00:13:21,713
He's talented, and he,
like, is almost off drugs.
327
00:13:21,832 --> 00:13:25,333
And he's literally, like,
a month from being divorced.
328
00:13:25,419 --> 00:13:27,085
Amy, please don't turn
into one of those girls
329
00:13:27,171 --> 00:13:29,387
that sacrifices everything
for their guy, and, like,
330
00:13:29,506 --> 00:13:31,756
then he just ends up
sponging off of them.
331
00:13:31,842 --> 00:13:34,259
- Please?
- (man) Sponging, huh?
332
00:13:34,344 --> 00:13:35,510
(woman)
Hi, Kyle.
333
00:13:35,646 --> 00:13:40,232
It's
BBibbyRapsKyle1975@yahoo.com.
334
00:13:40,350 --> 00:13:42,767
He uses the same
rap name and email
335
00:13:42,853 --> 00:13:44,502
so people can get in touch
with him for bookings.
336
00:13:44,521 --> 00:13:45,687
I was in the area,
I thought I'd come by
337
00:13:45,822 --> 00:13:47,772
and say hi to my little
sunshine here.
338
00:13:47,858 --> 00:13:50,942
Or would that be sponging?
Oh.
339
00:13:51,028 --> 00:13:52,527
She's just trying to
be a good friend.
340
00:13:52,613 --> 00:13:53,862
No, it's fine.
It's fine.
341
00:13:53,997 --> 00:13:55,697
I'll just grab
some food and leave.
342
00:13:55,782 --> 00:13:58,116
No, you don't go!
Janet can go.
343
00:13:58,202 --> 00:13:59,534
- What?
- You can leave.
344
00:13:59,620 --> 00:14:00,969
What do you want? I'll make
you whatever you want.
345
00:14:01,004 --> 00:14:02,204
You don't have to,
346
00:14:02,339 --> 00:14:04,789
just heat up the
squid ink paella.
347
00:14:04,875 --> 00:14:06,541
Oh, you-- you finished that.
348
00:14:06,627 --> 00:14:09,010
Oh, then just, uh,
make a new one's fine.
349
00:14:11,848 --> 00:14:14,382
Listen, I know you're
her best friend,
350
00:14:14,518 --> 00:14:16,268
but could a sponge do this?
351
00:14:16,386 --> 00:14:18,853
(beatboxing poorly)
352
00:14:22,059 --> 00:14:25,060
My girl, hmm, is my world,
you know what I'm saying
353
00:14:25,195 --> 00:14:27,729
to your face, I know,
you're like, "Who's this guy?
354
00:14:27,814 --> 00:14:29,731
Taking my friend all the
way to the love sky?"
355
00:14:29,866 --> 00:14:31,566
What, lovesky?
356
00:14:31,652 --> 00:14:33,285
(continues beatboxing)
357
00:14:33,403 --> 00:14:36,154
All of these sounds are
coming from my body.
358
00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:38,657
All right, listen,
I have to go.
359
00:14:38,742 --> 00:14:40,325
All right, you have fun
with your body noises
360
00:14:40,410 --> 00:14:41,743
and your paella.
(whistling)
361
00:14:41,828 --> 00:14:42,911
Is that a flute?
No!
362
00:14:43,046 --> 00:14:44,496
That's coming from my body.
363
00:14:44,581 --> 00:14:46,998
(continues whistling)
364
00:14:47,084 --> 00:14:48,833
Oh, my God, is that a flute?
365
00:14:48,919 --> 00:14:51,136
- That was me.
- That gets me every time.
366
00:14:51,255 --> 00:14:53,255
Amy, you're better than this.
367
00:14:53,340 --> 00:14:54,556
No, I'm not.
368
00:14:56,260 --> 00:14:58,426
Forget about her.
Hey, listen.
369
00:14:58,512 --> 00:15:00,428
Penny for your thoughts.
370
00:15:00,514 --> 00:15:03,348
Well, I'm just wondering when
we're gonna have sex again.
371
00:15:03,433 --> 00:15:04,683
It's been like a month.
372
00:15:04,768 --> 00:15:07,819
I want to so bad,
but I need my mojo
373
00:15:07,938 --> 00:15:09,437
for my raps right now.
You know that, right?
374
00:15:09,523 --> 00:15:10,772
- Yeah, I know.
- Yeah.
375
00:15:10,857 --> 00:15:13,692
Oh, by the way,
one more bad thing.
376
00:15:13,777 --> 00:15:17,362
I, uh, went a little
over budget on the album.
377
00:15:17,447 --> 00:15:19,948
We're gonna need you to
give me another $10,000
378
00:15:20,083 --> 00:15:21,950
to keep our dream alive
with my dream alive.
379
00:15:22,085 --> 00:15:24,085
But I'm already
working two jobs.
380
00:15:24,171 --> 00:15:26,871
No, I hate that!
381
00:15:26,957 --> 00:15:29,207
I hate it!
No!
382
00:15:29,293 --> 00:15:31,710
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
383
00:15:31,795 --> 00:15:34,296
It just kills me that
you have to work so hard.
384
00:15:34,431 --> 00:15:35,871
I think it'd be better
if I just left
385
00:15:35,966 --> 00:15:37,766
- and never came back!
- Please don't do that!
386
00:15:37,801 --> 00:15:40,018
- You'd have a better life!
- Please, don't!
387
00:15:40,137 --> 00:15:41,636
(groans)
388
00:15:41,772 --> 00:15:43,805
No, babe, stop it,
I love our life.
389
00:15:43,940 --> 00:15:45,223
I love you.
Just promise me
390
00:15:45,309 --> 00:15:48,193
that if this rap thing doesn't
work out in the next...
391
00:15:48,312 --> 00:15:51,863
in the next month,
that you'll get a job.
392
00:15:51,982 --> 00:15:54,816
Girl, there's one thing
that I can guarantee.
393
00:15:54,951 --> 00:15:56,368
I'll be making so much green,
394
00:15:56,486 --> 00:15:58,326
you'll be thinking Kermit
when you think of me.
395
00:15:58,405 --> 00:16:00,872
(beatboxing poorly)
396
00:16:00,991 --> 00:16:03,491
There's no band, it's just me.
397
00:16:03,577 --> 00:16:06,244
That means all the sounds
are coming from my body.
398
00:16:06,330 --> 00:16:08,663
Coming from your body,
I can do it too.
399
00:16:08,749 --> 00:16:11,049
The sounds are
coming from my body.
400
00:16:11,168 --> 00:16:13,335
Oh, my body.
401
00:16:13,420 --> 00:16:16,721
Don't quit your day jobs.
(chuckles)
402
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:19,257
Girl, when you're
mopping floors
403
00:16:19,343 --> 00:16:22,143
Know I'm at home thinking
'bout the girl I adore
404
00:16:22,229 --> 00:16:26,014
And I wish you didn't have to
answer phones from 9 to 2
405
00:16:26,099 --> 00:16:28,566
But those are key rap-writing
times, you know that, boo
406
00:16:28,685 --> 00:16:30,185
When you're landing planes
407
00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:32,070
I'm thinking
"Now, that's my girl
408
00:16:32,189 --> 00:16:36,291
Making all of that bacon
while I change the world
409
00:16:36,393 --> 00:16:38,326
(beeping)
410
00:16:40,113 --> 00:16:41,746
She's suffering from
extreme exhaustion.
411
00:16:41,865 --> 00:16:44,082
She's in a coma.
412
00:16:44,201 --> 00:16:45,700
(rapping)
Oh, you're lying in bed,
413
00:16:45,836 --> 00:16:47,035
and I feel fine.
414
00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:49,204
All of this guilt
drive me out of my mind.
415
00:16:49,289 --> 00:16:50,789
Out of my mind.
416
00:16:50,874 --> 00:16:53,291
(beatboxing poorly)
417
00:16:53,377 --> 00:16:55,210
Pardon me, I'm sorry,
but my wife was waiting
418
00:16:55,345 --> 00:16:58,179
for a skin graft, and I
couldn't help but overhear.
419
00:16:58,265 --> 00:16:59,881
Were you just using
a synthesizer?
420
00:16:59,966 --> 00:17:01,716
Nope.
421
00:17:01,802 --> 00:17:03,968
So, you mean to tell me
that all of those sounds
422
00:17:04,054 --> 00:17:05,637
were coming from your body.
423
00:17:05,722 --> 00:17:07,305
Yep.
424
00:17:07,391 --> 00:17:08,973
I'm the president of rap music.
425
00:17:09,059 --> 00:17:10,141
Oh, snap!
426
00:17:10,227 --> 00:17:12,227
And I need to work
with you right away.
427
00:17:12,362 --> 00:17:13,812
- You give me a call.
- Yeah, I will!
428
00:17:13,897 --> 00:17:16,064
I will give you a call.
429
00:17:16,149 --> 00:17:17,315
Hey, can she hear me?
430
00:17:17,401 --> 00:17:20,235
Yes.
I'll give you two a moment.
431
00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:22,654
Baby, listen.
432
00:17:22,739 --> 00:17:25,240
I think we're on two
different paths, you know?
433
00:17:25,375 --> 00:17:27,959
Like, I'm gonna be this big
rap star making millions
434
00:17:28,078 --> 00:17:29,744
and having all this fame,
435
00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:32,330
and you're, like, in this bed
436
00:17:32,416 --> 00:17:34,749
acting a fool all boring-like.
437
00:17:34,835 --> 00:17:36,634
So, I'm gonna peace out.
438
00:17:36,753 --> 00:17:38,136
But you remember,
439
00:17:38,255 --> 00:17:40,922
you'll always be my
little baby-baby girl.
440
00:17:41,007 --> 00:17:43,975
(beatboxing poorly)
441
00:17:44,094 --> 00:17:46,261
Peace.
442
00:17:46,346 --> 00:17:48,897
(flatlining)
443
00:17:51,282 --> 00:17:53,732
444
00:17:56,070 --> 00:17:58,654
So, Noel, you're the founder
of AshleyMadison.com.
445
00:17:58,739 --> 00:18:00,022
Guilty as charged.
446
00:18:00,157 --> 00:18:02,107
Tell me what
AshleyMadison.com is.
447
00:18:02,193 --> 00:18:04,493
It's a community of
likeminded individuals
448
00:18:04,579 --> 00:18:06,579
for the most part
already attached
449
00:18:06,697 --> 00:18:08,197
looking to play around
on the side.
450
00:18:08,332 --> 00:18:09,281
You know what,
the first time I saw
451
00:18:09,367 --> 00:18:10,699
the Ashley Madison commercial,
452
00:18:10,835 --> 00:18:15,704
I was like, I cannot believe
this is allowed to exist.
453
00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:17,006
Yeah, you know,
our TV commercials
454
00:18:17,091 --> 00:18:18,541
are some of the most
complained about advertising
455
00:18:18,676 --> 00:18:20,356
in the history of the
entire nation, right?
456
00:18:20,378 --> 00:18:21,710
That seems like it would
be a good thing, though.
457
00:18:21,846 --> 00:18:23,045
Like, that that would
sort of help marketing.
458
00:18:23,180 --> 00:18:25,548
Controversy has fed
part of our success.
459
00:18:25,633 --> 00:18:26,549
- Yeah.
- There's no doubt about it.
460
00:18:26,684 --> 00:18:28,684
We don't like having
our ads taken down.
461
00:18:28,769 --> 00:18:30,052
We think censorship
is a terrible thing.
462
00:18:30,187 --> 00:18:31,887
There's nothing illegal
about our business.
463
00:18:31,973 --> 00:18:33,722
- Mm-hmm.
- It's just some people judge it.
464
00:18:33,808 --> 00:18:34,940
What about cigarettes?
465
00:18:35,059 --> 00:18:36,108
Well, there's so many
products out there.
466
00:18:36,227 --> 00:18:37,307
Listen, alcohol consumption
467
00:18:37,395 --> 00:18:38,861
does lead to disease
and addiction.
468
00:18:38,946 --> 00:18:41,030
Well, let's just
slow down there, okay?
469
00:18:41,115 --> 00:18:42,064
That one's good,
that's important.
470
00:18:42,199 --> 00:18:43,983
That's never been proven!
(laughing)
471
00:18:44,068 --> 00:18:45,784
Um, so, you must be someone
472
00:18:45,903 --> 00:18:47,987
who gets a lot of
rage directed at you.
473
00:18:48,072 --> 00:18:51,040
Yes, people are really furious,
474
00:18:51,125 --> 00:18:52,625
and I don't think they
understand the concept
475
00:18:52,743 --> 00:18:54,910
of monogamy, that's why most
people don't negotiate it,
476
00:18:54,996 --> 00:18:56,116
even in their own marriages.
477
00:18:56,163 --> 00:18:57,246
Like, I never sat
down with my wife
478
00:18:57,331 --> 00:18:58,614
and said, "What is acceptable?
479
00:18:58,716 --> 00:19:01,050
"Can I massage, you know,
Amy's foot right now,
480
00:19:01,135 --> 00:19:02,005
is that acceptable
behavior?"
481
00:19:02,030 --> 00:19:03,919
- What'd she say?
- Well, I haven't asked her--
482
00:19:04,055 --> 00:19:07,256
- Let's find out what she thinks.
- We're gonna do it.
483
00:19:07,391 --> 00:19:09,425
This is the best
interview I've ever done.
484
00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:11,927
So, the point is they
don't negotiate monogamy.
485
00:19:12,013 --> 00:19:13,479
Who knows where this
ends up, right?
486
00:19:13,598 --> 00:19:15,648
You know what, I just
remembered the commercial
487
00:19:15,766 --> 00:19:17,766
where the husband
cheated on the wife.
488
00:19:17,902 --> 00:19:19,351
This-- the commercial
kinda made it seem like
489
00:19:19,437 --> 00:19:20,769
because she got really fat.
490
00:19:20,855 --> 00:19:23,015
Why do people have affairs?
People ask me all the time.
491
00:19:23,074 --> 00:19:24,406
That is a legitimate reason.
492
00:19:24,492 --> 00:19:26,492
I just want you to
hear it from me--
493
00:19:26,611 --> 00:19:28,911
Someone who's had--
Who's had no kids,
494
00:19:28,996 --> 00:19:31,280
um, that I've kept.
495
00:19:31,415 --> 00:19:34,450
You know, I feel like
aging unfortunately
496
00:19:34,535 --> 00:19:36,695
doesn't agree with women as
well as it agrees with men.
497
00:19:36,754 --> 00:19:39,121
And you have kids, you put
on some weight, whatever.
498
00:19:39,206 --> 00:19:41,290
And even though
I hear you, I did think
499
00:19:41,375 --> 00:19:42,975
that it was kinda mean
and unsympathetic.
500
00:19:43,044 --> 00:19:45,204
Fair enough, but-- but what
about dealing with reality?
501
00:19:45,296 --> 00:19:47,112
Right now, if you're--
If you're about to get married,
502
00:19:47,131 --> 00:19:48,691
one interesting thing
I could do for you
503
00:19:48,799 --> 00:19:50,132
is hand you a bit
of a road map.
504
00:19:50,267 --> 00:19:52,017
I could say,
"This is when infidelity
505
00:19:52,136 --> 00:19:53,135
tends to happen
in marriages."
506
00:19:53,220 --> 00:19:54,937
- When is that?
- It coincides with this.
507
00:19:55,022 --> 00:19:55,971
- Right.
- First bump.
508
00:19:56,107 --> 00:19:59,058
Do men cheat when
women are pregnant?
509
00:19:59,143 --> 00:20:01,143
Yeah, that's the first
time they look to stray,
510
00:20:01,278 --> 00:20:03,278
because their sex lives go
from 100 miles an hour,
511
00:20:03,364 --> 00:20:04,947
- anytime, anywhere, wherever--
- Yeah.
512
00:20:05,032 --> 00:20:06,482
To where there's a bunch
of restrictions put on it.
513
00:20:06,617 --> 00:20:08,150
Do you ever get super depressed?
514
00:20:08,285 --> 00:20:10,486
I'm living the life,
like, honestly.
515
00:20:10,571 --> 00:20:12,121
I have a billion
dollar company, I--
516
00:20:12,206 --> 00:20:13,656
I knew it!
517
00:20:13,741 --> 00:20:14,990
Can I have some money?
518
00:20:15,076 --> 00:20:16,492
- Yes.
- How much?
519
00:20:16,577 --> 00:20:18,057
What do I get?
You got to rub my foot.
520
00:20:18,129 --> 00:20:19,712
Do you know how many people
write to me on Twitter?
521
00:20:19,830 --> 00:20:22,131
My Twi-- my feet
have their own Twitter.
522
00:20:22,216 --> 00:20:23,632
Any other questions, you guys?
523
00:20:23,718 --> 00:20:25,501
(man)
Standby.
524
00:20:25,586 --> 00:20:27,336
Jessi's gonna be bummed,
she's pregnant as (bleep).
525
00:20:27,421 --> 00:20:29,338
She's in the danger zone.
526
00:20:29,423 --> 00:20:32,424
Oh, God, hey,
it's so great to meet you.
527
00:20:32,510 --> 00:20:33,509
(laughter)
528
00:20:33,594 --> 00:20:35,728
My husband just
texted me, he's out!
529
00:20:35,846 --> 00:20:37,096
Um...
530
00:20:37,181 --> 00:20:39,181
I'm sending him the book,
I'm sending him the book.
531
00:20:39,233 --> 00:20:42,317
You (bleep)ing demon.
I'm just kidding.
532
00:20:45,239 --> 00:20:48,490
I'm gonna be this huge rapper
with lots of money and fame,
533
00:20:48,576 --> 00:20:51,360
and you're, like,
in this bed acting a fool.
534
00:20:51,445 --> 00:20:53,078
(laughing)
I don't think I can do it.
535
00:20:53,197 --> 00:20:55,497
But you'll always be my
little baby-baby girl.
536
00:20:55,583 --> 00:20:56,865
(beatboxing)
537
00:20:56,951 --> 00:20:59,702
(laughing)
It's (bleep)ing bullshit!
538
00:20:59,837 --> 00:21:02,037
But you know you'll always
be my little baby-baby--
539
00:21:02,123 --> 00:21:05,257
(beatboxing)
540
00:21:05,376 --> 00:21:07,876
(laughter)
541
00:21:10,047 --> 00:21:11,547
(woman)
It's so easy!
542
00:21:11,682 --> 00:21:12,715
(man)
Mmm, magic!
543
00:21:12,739 --> 00:21:18,739
Sync & corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
544
00:21:18,789 --> 00:21:23,339
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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