Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,234 --> 00:00:03,319
Mom, my friends are here
and they're hungry.
2
00:00:03,336 --> 00:00:05,004
What else is new?
3
00:00:05,055 --> 00:00:07,372
Sure they're not
little kids anymore,
4
00:00:07,424 --> 00:00:09,391
but they still want
a snack that's fun.
5
00:00:09,476 --> 00:00:12,176
That's why they're not getting
regular old chicken fingers.
6
00:00:12,227 --> 00:00:15,412
They're getting Finger Blasters!
7
00:00:15,679 --> 00:00:18,115
Introducing Finger Blasters!
8
00:00:18,166 --> 00:00:22,686
Blast your fingers into our unique
sauce containers, filled with honey,
9
00:00:22,737 --> 00:00:25,289
tangy barbecue,
or salt and vinegar.
10
00:00:25,323 --> 00:00:27,157
Finger blasting is the best.
11
00:00:27,542 --> 00:00:29,710
Finger blasting
is the perfect thing
12
00:00:29,794 --> 00:00:31,845
to hold them over until
they're ready to move onto
13
00:00:31,930 --> 00:00:33,714
something more serious,
like dinner.
14
00:00:33,798 --> 00:00:34,831
Try one finger at a time.
15
00:00:34,882 --> 00:00:36,350
Yum!
16
00:00:36,434 --> 00:00:37,517
Two fingers.
17
00:00:37,602 --> 00:00:38,885
Mmm, okay!
18
00:00:38,970 --> 00:00:42,723
And then, if everybody's cool
with it, work up to three!
19
00:00:42,807 --> 00:00:44,507
No, two is good.
20
00:00:44,541 --> 00:00:45,559
For now.
21
00:00:45,610 --> 00:00:47,394
I'll take what I can get.
22
00:00:47,478 --> 00:00:49,980
Finger blasting is fun with friends.
23
00:00:50,031 --> 00:00:53,700
But if my friends aren't around,
I'll just finger blast myself!
24
00:00:53,818 --> 00:00:55,068
"Noice"!
25
00:00:55,119 --> 00:00:56,787
Don't be a food prude!
26
00:00:56,854 --> 00:01:00,157
Surprise the crew by dipping
into two sauces at once.
27
00:01:00,241 --> 00:01:01,625
Whoa.
28
00:01:01,709 --> 00:01:02,876
That's a shocker.
29
00:01:02,943 --> 00:01:03,877
Let's be real.
30
00:01:03,944 --> 00:01:05,278
They're teens.
31
00:01:05,330 --> 00:01:06,964
They're gonna be snacking.
32
00:01:07,048 --> 00:01:08,999
I feel safe knowing
it's under my roof
33
00:01:09,083 --> 00:01:11,752
rather than behind some
movie theater or in the woods.
34
00:01:11,803 --> 00:01:13,086
So get a general sense
35
00:01:13,137 --> 00:01:16,590
of what your kids are putting
in their bodies and help them-
36
00:01:16,615 --> 00:01:19,515
Get Finger Blasters!
37
00:01:19,594 --> 00:01:23,046
Finger Blasters,
from the makers of Circle Jerky.
38
00:01:26,931 --> 00:01:32,115
Sync && corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
39
00:01:32,958 --> 00:01:34,875
A lot of the women's magazines
they're supposed to like
40
00:01:34,926 --> 00:01:36,343
be confidence building,
41
00:01:36,411 --> 00:01:38,128
but they really just scare
the (bleep) out of you
42
00:01:38,213 --> 00:01:39,913
so you buy the products in them.
43
00:01:39,965 --> 00:01:43,717
Like, they all will put Jessica Alba
or somebody like that on the cover
44
00:01:43,802 --> 00:01:45,469
and she's super sexualized,
45
00:01:45,553 --> 00:01:48,472
no matter what magazine,
her hair is soaking wet,
46
00:01:48,556 --> 00:01:50,190
and her nipples
are hard and she's like,
47
00:01:50,258 --> 00:01:54,061
making a (bleep) sucking face,
she's like...
48
00:01:54,429 --> 00:01:58,466
And you're like, Good Housekeeping,
like what does this even...
49
00:01:59,117 --> 00:02:00,451
But they're smart.
50
00:02:00,535 --> 00:02:03,103
What they're doing is saying,
"Look at Jessica Alba.
51
00:02:03,154 --> 00:02:07,825
"You don't look like that.
You're (bleep) disgusting.
52
00:02:07,909 --> 00:02:12,212
"You're over 30, your pussy
is a pile of garbage.
53
00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:13,280
But buy this lip gloss."
54
00:02:13,331 --> 00:02:18,502
And you're like,
"Okay! Will this fix it?
55
00:02:18,586 --> 00:02:21,088
Will this fix
my garbage pussy?"
56
00:02:23,591 --> 00:02:26,727
Like, no!
57
00:02:26,794 --> 00:02:29,146
They give you advice like,
"be Asian."
58
00:02:29,230 --> 00:02:32,351
You're like, "I can't!"
59
00:02:34,153 --> 00:02:36,470
I would love to be Asian.
60
00:02:36,521 --> 00:02:38,155
I've tried.
61
00:02:38,239 --> 00:02:40,524
And they give you these sex tips.
62
00:02:40,608 --> 00:02:41,975
We did a scene
on our first season,
63
00:02:42,027 --> 00:02:44,611
did you guys see
the sex tips scene, right?
64
00:02:44,663 --> 00:02:45,746
It's always stuff like,
65
00:02:45,813 --> 00:02:48,082
"What He's Not Telling You
He Wants."
66
00:02:48,149 --> 00:02:51,085
And it's (bleep)
he doesn't want.
67
00:02:51,152 --> 00:02:53,820
It's like, "tickle his taint
with your nose."
68
00:02:53,872 --> 00:02:56,123
No!
69
00:02:56,207 --> 00:02:57,841
Nope.
70
00:02:57,926 --> 00:02:59,677
Sorry.
71
00:02:59,761 --> 00:03:01,828
I'm surer busy, sorry.
72
00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:03,297
Do it!
73
00:03:03,348 --> 00:03:04,831
Surprise him.
74
00:03:04,883 --> 00:03:06,350
"Wear his favorite tie
and fist him."
75
00:03:06,468 --> 00:03:09,069
Are you sure?
76
00:03:12,390 --> 00:03:13,724
- Here we go.
- Whoa.
77
00:03:13,808 --> 00:03:14,808
Yeah, yeah.
No, no.
78
00:03:14,859 --> 00:03:15,842
No, no, no, no, no.
79
00:03:15,894 --> 00:03:16,860
Oh, no, no, no!
80
00:03:16,945 --> 00:03:18,011
Oh!
81
00:03:18,063 --> 00:03:19,063
Mission failed.
82
00:03:19,147 --> 00:03:20,531
You suck.
83
00:03:20,615 --> 00:03:22,816
- Oh, you're so close.
- That was close.
84
00:03:22,867 --> 00:03:24,368
Okay, I want to try,
what do I need to know?
85
00:03:24,452 --> 00:03:26,487
Yeah, yeah, okay, well,
just let me switch my character
86
00:03:26,538 --> 00:03:28,489
'cause you will ruin my rating.
87
00:03:28,540 --> 00:03:30,074
There we go.
88
00:03:30,158 --> 00:03:31,519
Now, it's just like
"Call of Duty,"
89
00:03:31,526 --> 00:03:33,693
except the gameplay
is way more realistic, so.
90
00:03:33,745 --> 00:03:35,996
Oh, cool, I can be a girl.
91
00:03:36,047 --> 00:03:38,532
Yeah.
Knock yourself out.
92
00:03:38,633 --> 00:03:40,634
I'm gonna grab us beers.
93
00:03:40,719 --> 00:03:42,386
Oh, she's cute.
94
00:03:42,470 --> 00:03:43,837
Listen up, soldiers.
95
00:03:43,888 --> 00:03:45,139
We've just received intelthat there are insurgents
96
00:03:45,206 --> 00:03:46,256
hiding in that village.
97
00:03:46,341 --> 00:03:47,508
Let's go.
98
00:03:47,592 --> 00:03:50,344
Wait, why am I not moving?
99
00:03:50,428 --> 00:03:51,895
You hang back, private.
100
00:03:52,013 --> 00:03:53,013
What...
101
00:03:57,102 --> 00:04:00,554
Wait, what--
What the (bleep), no.
102
00:04:03,775 --> 00:04:05,909
No--
103
00:04:05,994 --> 00:04:09,563
What are you doing hanging out in the
barracks all by yourself, lazy?
104
00:04:09,614 --> 00:04:11,081
No, I--
I think--
105
00:04:11,166 --> 00:04:14,701
I think my character
was just raped.
106
00:04:14,786 --> 00:04:16,920
No.
107
00:04:17,005 --> 00:04:18,038
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Yeah.
108
00:04:18,089 --> 00:04:19,289
That's never happened to me,
109
00:04:19,374 --> 00:04:20,407
you must have pressed
the wrong button.
110
00:04:20,458 --> 00:04:21,579
That's not part of the game.
111
00:04:21,626 --> 00:04:22,876
Ted, trust me, it happened.
112
00:04:22,927 --> 00:04:24,077
No.
113
00:04:24,129 --> 00:04:26,079
You were just assaulted
by a fellow soldier.
114
00:04:26,131 --> 00:04:28,432
Do you wish to report?
115
00:04:28,516 --> 00:04:30,584
- Yeah.
- Weird.
116
00:04:30,635 --> 00:04:31,935
Uh-huh.
What is this?
117
00:04:32,020 --> 00:04:33,086
You know what?
118
00:04:33,138 --> 00:04:34,754
Let me go check
the message boards.
119
00:04:34,806 --> 00:04:36,723
Yes, I wish to report it.
120
00:04:36,775 --> 00:04:38,225
Are you sure?
121
00:04:38,309 --> 00:04:39,426
Yes, I'm sure.
122
00:04:39,477 --> 00:04:41,695
Did you know he has a family?
123
00:04:41,780 --> 00:04:43,447
No.
124
00:04:43,531 --> 00:04:45,432
Does that change your mindabout reporting?
125
00:04:45,483 --> 00:04:46,600
No.
126
00:04:46,651 --> 00:04:48,068
What?
127
00:04:48,119 --> 00:04:50,370
Level 25 unlocked.
128
00:04:50,438 --> 00:04:52,039
My God.
129
00:04:52,106 --> 00:04:54,208
It's just like
a ton of paperwork.
130
00:04:56,110 --> 00:04:58,662
Okay
131
00:04:58,746 --> 00:05:00,280
This is great.
132
00:05:00,414 --> 00:05:04,117
Have you seen this picture
of the big, fat Japanese baby?
133
00:05:04,169 --> 00:05:05,752
You're supposed to be checking
the message boards.
134
00:05:05,837 --> 00:05:07,117
Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
135
00:05:07,121 --> 00:05:09,590
But you gotta see
that picture later.
136
00:05:09,641 --> 00:05:10,674
Paperwork complete.
137
00:05:10,758 --> 00:05:12,476
Welcome to the Pentagon, soldier.
138
00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:13,393
Good luck!
139
00:05:13,478 --> 00:05:14,845
Ooh, the Pentagon.
140
00:05:14,929 --> 00:05:16,296
Watch out, they're
attacking your character.
141
00:05:16,347 --> 00:05:17,797
There isn't even
anyone around me.
142
00:05:17,849 --> 00:05:19,016
What were you wearing?
143
00:05:19,100 --> 00:05:20,620
- Be a team player.- Occupational hazard.
144
00:05:20,635 --> 00:05:22,135
You got to go alongto get along.
145
00:05:22,187 --> 00:05:24,438
Characterassassination complete.
146
00:05:24,489 --> 00:05:26,139
Attention, soldier.
147
00:05:26,191 --> 00:05:28,325
Your attacker was found guiltyin a military court.
148
00:05:28,409 --> 00:05:30,810
Yes, finally, thank you.
149
00:05:30,862 --> 00:05:33,447
But his commanding officer
chose to reject that decision,
150
00:05:33,498 --> 00:05:35,365
so he is now back
on active duty.
151
00:05:36,618 --> 00:05:38,035
What?! They can do that?
152
00:05:38,119 --> 00:05:40,337
What the (bleep) is this game?
153
00:05:40,421 --> 00:05:43,990
(bleep) your (bleep) stupid
military bull (bleep)!
154
00:05:44,042 --> 00:05:45,759
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
language, language.
155
00:05:45,826 --> 00:05:46,877
- Be a lady.
- This is insane.
156
00:05:46,961 --> 00:05:48,128
Why would anyone
want to play this?
157
00:05:48,179 --> 00:05:49,596
Look it.
158
00:05:49,664 --> 00:05:52,049
I checked the message boards
and it doesn't say anything,
159
00:05:52,133 --> 00:05:53,851
so obviously you did
something wrong.
160
00:05:53,935 --> 00:05:56,854
It's probably best
you don't play, okay?
161
00:05:58,473 --> 00:06:00,557
Here we go.
162
00:06:05,430 --> 00:06:07,097
Why are you making that noise?
163
00:06:07,181 --> 00:06:08,398
It helps.
164
00:06:15,456 --> 00:06:17,674
Anyway, I've had that nightmare
every night since 1988.
165
00:06:17,842 --> 00:06:19,726
You're so lucky your dad's dead.
166
00:06:19,811 --> 00:06:21,144
You're telling me.
167
00:06:21,195 --> 00:06:23,013
You guys, I didn't know
my food came with fries.
168
00:06:23,064 --> 00:06:24,197
I am not eating them.
169
00:06:24,282 --> 00:06:25,866
I have had fries
like three times this week.
170
00:06:25,950 --> 00:06:27,200
I'm so bad.
171
00:06:27,318 --> 00:06:28,785
You can afford it.
172
00:06:28,853 --> 00:06:30,037
- No.
- Who cares?
173
00:06:30,121 --> 00:06:32,372
I ate like, three cans
of Pringles yesterday.
174
00:06:32,457 --> 00:06:33,991
Once you pop,
they're not joking.
175
00:06:34,075 --> 00:06:35,492
I'm so bad.
176
00:06:35,543 --> 00:06:36,576
Those are like air.
177
00:06:36,661 --> 00:06:37,911
They're literally air.
178
00:06:37,996 --> 00:06:39,329
You don't look fat at all.
179
00:06:39,380 --> 00:06:41,882
No, I was cyberbullying my niece
on Instagram the other day,
180
00:06:41,966 --> 00:06:44,334
and I literally
ate 15 mini muffins.
181
00:06:44,385 --> 00:06:45,502
I'm so bad.
182
00:06:45,553 --> 00:06:47,137
They're like pellets,
that's nothing.
183
00:06:47,204 --> 00:06:48,338
Are they big muffins?
184
00:06:48,389 --> 00:06:49,473
- No.
- No, they're mini.
185
00:06:49,540 --> 00:06:50,807
Do you know what "mini" means?
186
00:06:50,875 --> 00:06:52,559
It means smaller than big.
187
00:06:52,643 --> 00:06:54,227
Yesterday,
after I knelt on my gerbil
188
00:06:54,312 --> 00:06:55,395
to hear what sound
it would make,
189
00:06:55,513 --> 00:06:56,847
I like, wasn't thinking.
190
00:06:56,898 --> 00:06:58,648
I ate a ball of mozzarella
like it was a peach.
191
00:06:58,716 --> 00:07:00,050
I'm so bad.
192
00:07:00,151 --> 00:07:01,351
You always look great.
193
00:07:01,402 --> 00:07:03,153
No, I think that's, like,
negative calories.
194
00:07:03,220 --> 00:07:04,571
I'm seriously bad.
195
00:07:04,655 --> 00:07:06,273
I can't get out of bed
without having a calzone.
196
00:07:06,357 --> 00:07:09,026
The other morning, when that
woman walked off the GW bridge,
197
00:07:09,077 --> 00:07:10,527
I didn't do
anything to help her.
198
00:07:10,578 --> 00:07:12,195
It's because I was
chewing my calzone.
199
00:07:12,246 --> 00:07:13,330
I'm so bad.
200
00:07:13,414 --> 00:07:14,364
Are you serious?
201
00:07:14,449 --> 00:07:15,415
You're a (bleep) saint.
202
00:07:15,500 --> 00:07:16,616
I'm the bad one.
203
00:07:16,701 --> 00:07:18,168
Two weeks ago
when I was having--
204
00:07:18,235 --> 00:07:19,252
Well, there's no term
205
00:07:19,337 --> 00:07:20,904
for how late term
of an abortion this was.
206
00:07:20,955 --> 00:07:24,574
Anyhoo, I literally ate
an entire bucket of wings
207
00:07:24,625 --> 00:07:26,710
and chased it with
a 16-ounce lobster.
208
00:07:26,761 --> 00:07:28,512
I'm like, why am I
still eating for two?
209
00:07:28,579 --> 00:07:29,746
I'm so bad.
210
00:07:29,847 --> 00:07:32,883
Wait, I'm really ashamed
I just told you guys that I ate like that.
211
00:07:32,950 --> 00:07:34,384
Do you think I'm a monster?
212
00:07:34,435 --> 00:07:35,602
- No!
- No!
213
00:07:35,686 --> 00:07:36,920
Seafood, it's good for you.
214
00:07:36,971 --> 00:07:38,055
Yeah.
215
00:07:38,106 --> 00:07:39,439
I'm sorry about your abortion.
216
00:07:39,524 --> 00:07:41,274
I took that guy that
I'm dating to the restaurant
217
00:07:41,359 --> 00:07:43,026
where he was molested
and he left crying
218
00:07:43,094 --> 00:07:45,695
and guess who stayed and ate the
entire rest of his birthday cake?
219
00:07:45,763 --> 00:07:46,696
Me.
220
00:07:46,764 --> 00:07:48,765
I was like, that'll do, pig.
221
00:07:48,816 --> 00:07:50,433
Oink, oink.
I'm so bad.
222
00:07:50,485 --> 00:07:51,451
You're not bad.
223
00:07:51,536 --> 00:07:52,786
You're stick thin.
224
00:07:52,870 --> 00:07:55,622
Your thigh gap is, like,
the envy of every thigh gap.
225
00:07:55,740 --> 00:07:58,108
Last Saturday, after I took
a smoke machine to the burn unit
226
00:07:58,209 --> 00:07:59,493
to see how they'd react,
227
00:07:59,577 --> 00:08:03,380
I ate so much General Tso's
they gave me his hat.
228
00:08:03,447 --> 00:08:04,831
It looks insane on me.
229
00:08:04,916 --> 00:08:06,282
I'm so bad.
230
00:08:06,384 --> 00:08:07,667
Shut your dick off.
231
00:08:07,752 --> 00:08:10,453
You look amazing in hats
and you know this.
232
00:08:10,505 --> 00:08:12,145
My dad says I don't
look good in anything.
233
00:08:12,223 --> 00:08:14,457
Can I offer anyone dessert?
234
00:08:14,509 --> 00:08:16,210
Oh.
235
00:08:16,594 --> 00:08:17,561
If I--
236
00:08:17,628 --> 00:08:18,512
Like, just one bite?
237
00:08:18,646 --> 00:08:19,629
Would you--
238
00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:20,814
...share something?
239
00:08:20,898 --> 00:08:22,732
Four forks?
240
00:08:35,530 --> 00:08:37,414
My face!
241
00:08:37,481 --> 00:08:39,482
- I'm so bad!
- I'm so bad!
242
00:08:39,534 --> 00:08:41,785
I'm so--
I'm so bad.
243
00:08:41,836 --> 00:08:44,287
I'll have the flan.
244
00:08:47,141 --> 00:08:49,976
When you turn 30,
this really cool thing happens
245
00:08:50,060 --> 00:08:55,732
where your metabolism goes,
"Later, bitch!"
246
00:08:55,799 --> 00:08:58,184
And you go,
"Wait, don't I need you?"
247
00:08:58,209 --> 00:09:01,109
And it goes, "It doesn't
matter, bye!"
248
00:09:02,656 --> 00:09:03,806
And you're--
249
00:09:03,858 --> 00:09:05,358
"What about all
the calories I'm eating?"
250
00:09:05,443 --> 00:09:07,911
"Bye!"
251
00:09:07,978 --> 00:09:09,746
And then you read articles,
they're like, "Embrace it."
252
00:09:09,813 --> 00:09:11,414
You're like, "Okay, all right,
253
00:09:11,482 --> 00:09:16,169
"okay, cool, I didn't know I could
get cellulite on my face, awesome!"
254
00:09:16,253 --> 00:09:20,457
Keeps creeping lower, I'm like,
"Wow, what an adventure."
255
00:09:20,541 --> 00:09:22,658
Being a woman is so rewarding.
256
00:09:25,513 --> 00:09:27,013
All right, my deal,
257
00:09:27,097 --> 00:09:29,665
follow the queen,
follow her all around.
258
00:09:29,717 --> 00:09:32,852
All right, who's ready
for some wings?
259
00:09:32,937 --> 00:09:34,304
Oh!
Come on, man.
260
00:09:34,438 --> 00:09:35,471
Wow! Thanks, baby.
261
00:09:35,473 --> 00:09:37,474
- There's a queen right there.
- You're the best, Mrs. H.
262
00:09:37,525 --> 00:09:38,558
You guys are the best.
263
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:39,526
You rule, babe.
264
00:09:39,610 --> 00:09:41,060
All right.
265
00:09:41,145 --> 00:09:43,145
Dude, she is so great.
266
00:09:43,197 --> 00:09:44,147
I am so lucky.
267
00:09:44,198 --> 00:09:45,698
Speaking of lucky,
268
00:09:45,783 --> 00:09:47,817
you know that girl I told
you about from my office?
269
00:09:47,868 --> 00:09:49,352
Well, we went out for drinks
270
00:09:49,403 --> 00:09:51,404
and then she took me back
to her place.
271
00:09:51,489 --> 00:09:52,688
How was it?
272
00:09:52,740 --> 00:09:55,208
Let's just say she's flexible.
273
00:09:55,292 --> 00:09:56,659
Nice.
274
00:09:56,661 --> 00:09:58,361
About butt stuff.
275
00:09:59,747 --> 00:10:01,414
Nice, dude.
276
00:10:01,499 --> 00:10:03,550
That takes me back,
takes me back.
277
00:10:03,667 --> 00:10:05,001
A few weeks ago,
278
00:10:05,052 --> 00:10:06,970
the kids were at
their Gran-gran's
279
00:10:07,037 --> 00:10:09,973
and my wife was so down
to (bleep),
280
00:10:10,057 --> 00:10:12,225
I mean, she's like,
practically begging me,
281
00:10:12,309 --> 00:10:13,643
so I grab my wife's hair,
282
00:10:13,727 --> 00:10:15,395
I bend her over
this credenza, right?
283
00:10:15,462 --> 00:10:17,797
I'm like, so deep in (bleep),
I'm like, "Who's your husband
284
00:10:17,848 --> 00:10:18,898
Who's your husband?"
285
00:10:18,966 --> 00:10:21,017
- What's the matter with you, man?
- What?
286
00:10:21,134 --> 00:10:22,151
That's your wife, man, okay?
287
00:10:22,236 --> 00:10:23,302
That's not cool, okay?
288
00:10:23,354 --> 00:10:25,405
We all went to college with her,
we're friends.
289
00:10:25,472 --> 00:10:26,906
That's, like, sick.
Sick.
290
00:10:26,974 --> 00:10:29,526
Oh, I thought we were all kind
of sharing some stories.
291
00:10:29,610 --> 00:10:30,693
You're a degenerate, man.
292
00:10:30,778 --> 00:10:32,829
All right, all right, anyway.
293
00:10:32,913 --> 00:10:34,614
I had a little incident
with that waitress
294
00:10:34,665 --> 00:10:36,199
over at Padigan's
the other night.
295
00:10:36,283 --> 00:10:37,250
Oh, oh, hot Tracy?
296
00:10:37,317 --> 00:10:38,651
Boom.
297
00:10:38,768 --> 00:10:39,836
How did you do that?
298
00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:41,371
She comes up to me
and she's like,
299
00:10:41,455 --> 00:10:43,923
"Can you help me carry
this box into the office?"
300
00:10:43,991 --> 00:10:45,592
Yeah, right?
301
00:10:45,659 --> 00:10:46,709
What happened next?
302
00:10:46,794 --> 00:10:48,211
I'll help you move your box.
303
00:10:48,295 --> 00:10:50,213
Exactly, right?
304
00:10:50,297 --> 00:10:52,337
So I go into the office
with her, next thing I know,
305
00:10:52,383 --> 00:10:54,767
she's pulling on
my parking brake
306
00:10:54,835 --> 00:10:57,053
like we're at the top
of Lombard Street.
307
00:10:57,137 --> 00:10:58,170
Wow, wow, wow.
308
00:10:58,305 --> 00:10:59,222
What about the tits?
309
00:10:59,306 --> 00:11:01,441
As advertised.
310
00:11:01,508 --> 00:11:02,692
Yes, yes!
311
00:11:02,810 --> 00:11:04,677
It's always the best
when you don't expect it.
312
00:11:04,711 --> 00:11:06,563
I remember there was
this girl in college,
313
00:11:06,647 --> 00:11:09,531
and I totally thought she was
gonna put me on the friendzone, right.
314
00:11:09,617 --> 00:11:11,818
Well, we're hanging
out, all of a sudden
315
00:11:11,869 --> 00:11:14,037
top comes of, she's ridding me
316
00:11:14,121 --> 00:11:15,989
I'm rock (bleep) like a hammer.
317
00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:18,858
And I'm like,
"I wanna marry this woman!"
318
00:11:18,909 --> 00:11:21,861
I can't believe it's been
14 years.
319
00:11:21,912 --> 00:11:23,713
That is so gross, Rob,
why are you doing this?
320
00:11:23,714 --> 00:11:24,914
Nobody tells wife stories.
321
00:11:24,999 --> 00:11:26,215
What are you, a psychopath?
322
00:11:26,300 --> 00:11:28,367
Come on, man, she cooks us
Christmas dinner every year.
323
00:11:28,419 --> 00:11:30,086
She's Mrs. Christmas to us.
324
00:11:30,170 --> 00:11:31,203
Hope you guys don't mind.
325
00:11:31,305 --> 00:11:33,306
I used four different cheeses.
326
00:11:33,373 --> 00:11:34,757
You shouldn't have.
327
00:11:34,842 --> 00:11:36,392
- Babe.
- God bless you, H.
328
00:11:36,477 --> 00:11:39,077
- All right, you guys good on beers?
- Yeah, we're great on beers.
329
00:11:39,096 --> 00:11:40,513
- Okay.
- You rock, Amy!
330
00:11:40,564 --> 00:11:41,964
These nachos are insane,
by the way.
331
00:11:42,016 --> 00:11:43,176
You know what else is insane?
332
00:11:43,183 --> 00:11:44,767
- Come on!
- We don't wanna hear it!
333
00:11:44,852 --> 00:11:45,892
- Shut your mouth.
- Jesus!
334
00:11:45,903 --> 00:11:46,819
Shut your face.
335
00:11:46,904 --> 00:11:52,108
This is a story about a woman who I
am totally not married to, okay?
336
00:11:52,192 --> 00:11:53,610
Go on.
337
00:11:53,694 --> 00:11:54,611
- Okay, I'm listening.
- All right.
338
00:11:54,695 --> 00:11:55,695
Thank you.
339
00:11:55,746 --> 00:11:57,997
We just come out of H&R Block,
340
00:11:58,065 --> 00:12:00,083
and she's all turned on
'cause we're gonna get,
341
00:12:00,167 --> 00:12:01,084
like, a sick return.
342
00:12:01,201 --> 00:12:02,335
And she can buy this purse
343
00:12:02,402 --> 00:12:03,963
she's been talking about
forever, right?
344
00:12:04,038 --> 00:12:05,838
And she wants to bang
right in the back
345
00:12:05,906 --> 00:12:07,707
of our pre-owned Subaru.
346
00:12:07,741 --> 00:12:09,292
What are you doing, Rob?
347
00:12:09,376 --> 00:12:10,576
What are you doing?
348
00:12:10,628 --> 00:12:12,244
We know it's your wife, Rob.
349
00:12:12,296 --> 00:12:13,880
Its just--
I feel like vomiting right now.
350
00:12:13,931 --> 00:12:15,081
H&R Block?
351
00:12:15,132 --> 00:12:17,216
You guys, I have to be able
to share stories
352
00:12:17,267 --> 00:12:18,918
about the woman I love, okay?
353
00:12:18,969 --> 00:12:20,419
I can't help it
that she's my wife, okay?
354
00:12:20,471 --> 00:12:21,471
She inspires me.
355
00:12:21,605 --> 00:12:22,772
She is my world.
356
00:12:22,856 --> 00:12:24,757
I just thought 'cause
you're my friends, I could--
357
00:12:24,808 --> 00:12:27,527
I could share some of our
romantic things with you.
358
00:12:27,594 --> 00:12:29,529
All right, all right, man,
all right, all right.
359
00:12:29,596 --> 00:12:31,280
Who's ready for the finale?
360
00:12:31,365 --> 00:12:33,199
- Oh, man.
- Chocolate chip cookies!
361
00:12:33,283 --> 00:12:34,767
That could not have come sooner.
362
00:12:34,868 --> 00:12:36,369
You're the best, Mrs. H.
363
00:12:36,436 --> 00:12:37,654
All right, if nobody needs
anything else,
364
00:12:37,771 --> 00:12:39,011
honey, I'm gonna head upstairs.
365
00:12:39,073 --> 00:12:40,353
Start lubing up so you can blast
366
00:12:40,407 --> 00:12:41,774
my dirt (bleep) with your thumb
367
00:12:41,825 --> 00:12:43,576
while you lobster-hand me
in the (bleep), okay?
368
00:12:43,627 --> 00:12:46,746
Seriously, I want you
to (bleep) that mud pit
369
00:12:46,797 --> 00:12:48,798
'til I make a pig noise.
370
00:12:48,882 --> 00:12:50,750
And then you can (bleep) on
my (bleep) while I call my mom.
371
00:12:50,801 --> 00:12:52,001
Muah.
372
00:12:52,052 --> 00:12:54,671
Okay. You guys are always
welcome here.
373
00:12:57,725 --> 00:12:58,925
I guess I should eat up.
374
00:12:58,976 --> 00:13:02,595
I gotta (bleep)
on those (bleep).
375
00:13:05,315 --> 00:13:07,183
What's a sex story about your
wife that you told recently?
376
00:13:07,267 --> 00:13:08,985
Well, probably that she just
wants sex more than I do,
377
00:13:09,069 --> 00:13:09,969
and I feel really lame about that.
378
00:13:10,070 --> 00:13:11,303
If it were up to your wife,
379
00:13:11,355 --> 00:13:12,572
how many times a week
do you think you'd have sex?
380
00:13:12,639 --> 00:13:14,107
Probably like four to five.
381
00:13:14,158 --> 00:13:16,475
And what do you do?
382
00:13:16,509 --> 00:13:17,610
One, two.
383
00:13:17,661 --> 00:13:19,612
I wonder if she's
at home right now just--
384
00:13:19,663 --> 00:13:20,613
- Probably with some other dude.
- Probably.
385
00:13:20,664 --> 00:13:21,647
I gotta get going.
386
00:13:21,699 --> 00:13:23,950
Yeah, like I would say
maybe head out.
387
00:13:33,493 --> 00:13:35,228
This seems bad.
388
00:13:35,295 --> 00:13:36,896
It's not amazing.
389
00:13:36,981 --> 00:13:38,481
Why would PETA use this shot?
390
00:13:38,766 --> 00:13:40,666
This wasn't even during
the photo shoot.
391
00:13:40,718 --> 00:13:42,501
This was taken during
my peanut butter break.
392
00:13:42,526 --> 00:13:44,187
You're the one who
wanted to post naked
393
00:13:44,188 --> 00:13:45,638
and pretend it was
for a good cause
394
00:13:45,689 --> 00:13:47,173
so you wouldn't look
like a whore even though
395
00:13:47,224 --> 00:13:49,108
that's secretly why
everybody does it.
396
00:13:49,176 --> 00:13:50,977
- Can you fix it?
- Of course.
397
00:13:51,028 --> 00:13:52,061
It's my job.
398
00:13:52,146 --> 00:13:55,064
What about doing some appearances
for Operation Smile?
399
00:13:55,149 --> 00:13:56,348
What is that?
400
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,184
The organization that fixes
cleft palates.
401
00:13:58,235 --> 00:14:00,820
No, I really don't want
to deal with paint.
402
00:14:00,871 --> 00:14:02,455
Ugh.
403
00:14:02,522 --> 00:14:03,522
Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa, wait.
404
00:14:03,540 --> 00:14:07,126
What about pity (beep)
a prom loser?
405
00:14:07,211 --> 00:14:09,361
Yes, that's it, right?
406
00:14:09,413 --> 00:14:11,464
All the hot celebrities
are doing that now.
407
00:14:11,531 --> 00:14:13,251
Yeah, I don't think
any of them are actually
408
00:14:13,333 --> 00:14:14,884
having sex with the teenagers,
409
00:14:14,968 --> 00:14:17,553
but I don't think that going
to prom is a terrible idea.
410
00:14:17,638 --> 00:14:18,755
Did a student ask you?
411
00:14:18,889 --> 00:14:21,390
No.
412
00:14:21,508 --> 00:14:22,759
Not yet.
413
00:14:22,843 --> 00:14:24,594
But I bet if I just Google it,
he's out there somewhere.
414
00:14:24,678 --> 00:14:25,645
Yeah.
415
00:14:25,712 --> 00:14:27,597
You just make sure
the press is there.
416
00:14:27,681 --> 00:14:29,432
- Oh, I will.
- Okay.
417
00:14:29,516 --> 00:14:32,518
- Will you bring this with you?
- Sure.
418
00:14:32,603 --> 00:14:33,569
Unless you think it's okay.
419
00:14:33,654 --> 00:14:34,670
I--I don't.
420
00:14:34,738 --> 00:14:36,739
Okay
421
00:14:36,824 --> 00:14:39,242
Prom.
422
00:14:43,197 --> 00:14:44,247
God.
423
00:14:44,364 --> 00:14:45,281
Ugh.
424
00:14:45,365 --> 00:14:47,367
Who do we have here?
425
00:14:47,534 --> 00:14:48,835
That's why if you'rewatching this,
426
00:14:48,886 --> 00:14:50,766
I really hope you agreeto come to prom with me.
427
00:14:50,804 --> 00:14:53,306
I promise we'll havea really great time.
428
00:14:53,373 --> 00:14:54,891
Please say yes.
429
00:14:54,975 --> 00:14:57,010
Love, Lucas.
430
00:14:57,061 --> 00:14:59,612
You just got yourself
a prom date, buddy.
431
00:15:03,851 --> 00:15:05,953
Wait, he's still in high school.
432
00:15:07,104 --> 00:15:12,358
Well, I hope this kid's ready
eat (bleep) a ton of (bleep).
433
00:15:22,219 --> 00:15:24,170
Wait here until
after the dance, Montgomery.
434
00:15:24,255 --> 00:15:26,639
Yes, ma'am!
435
00:15:28,942 --> 00:15:31,110
My milkshake brings
all the boys to the yard
436
00:15:31,195 --> 00:15:33,146
And they're like
it's better than yours
437
00:15:33,230 --> 00:15:35,364
Damn right,
it's better than yours
438
00:15:35,432 --> 00:15:37,283
I can teach you,
but I have to charge
439
00:15:37,367 --> 00:15:39,535
My milkshake brings
all the boys to the yard
440
00:15:39,603 --> 00:15:41,621
And they're like
it's better than yours
441
00:15:41,705 --> 00:15:43,706
Damn right,
it's better than yours
442
00:15:43,824 --> 00:15:44,741
I can teach you
443
00:15:51,181 --> 00:15:54,567
Excuse me, ma'am, the Al-Anon
meeting is on Sunday.
444
00:15:54,685 --> 00:15:58,688
No, you silly hooker,
I'm here for the prom!
445
00:16:02,025 --> 00:16:03,576
L-L-L-L-Lucas!
446
00:16:03,694 --> 00:16:04,694
Hi.
447
00:16:04,745 --> 00:16:06,412
Hi, do I know you?
448
00:16:06,530 --> 00:16:09,081
I'm your celebrity prom date.
449
00:16:09,199 --> 00:16:11,083
I'm Amy Schumer.
450
00:16:11,201 --> 00:16:12,335
Surprised?
451
00:16:12,452 --> 00:16:14,253
I've never heard of you.
452
00:16:14,371 --> 00:16:16,238
You know "When's lunch"?
453
00:16:16,373 --> 00:16:18,674
Uh, this is my
girlfriend Madison.
454
00:16:18,742 --> 00:16:20,859
Girlfriend?
455
00:16:20,878 --> 00:16:22,678
What about your YouTube video?
456
00:16:22,746 --> 00:16:25,548
Oh, you mean the one where
I asked Madison to prom?
457
00:16:25,599 --> 00:16:27,516
Did you even watch
the whole thing?
458
00:16:27,584 --> 00:16:29,802
Is anybody (bleep)
talking to you Madison?
459
00:16:29,887 --> 00:16:31,604
This is none of your business.
460
00:16:31,688 --> 00:16:33,139
You seriously need
to back off right now.
461
00:16:33,223 --> 00:16:35,308
Excuse me, this is my business.
462
00:16:35,392 --> 00:16:36,726
Oh, really?
You know what?
463
00:16:36,777 --> 00:16:40,563
You're ruining the best night
of Lucas' short life, okay?
464
00:16:40,614 --> 00:16:42,114
Whatever, Joy Behar.
465
00:16:42,232 --> 00:16:43,199
What?
466
00:16:45,402 --> 00:16:46,319
You get off!
467
00:16:46,403 --> 00:16:48,154
This is-- Ow!
468
00:16:48,238 --> 00:16:50,406
Oh, my God, you killed him!
469
00:16:50,457 --> 00:16:51,741
Let go!
470
00:16:51,825 --> 00:16:52,992
My God!
471
00:16:53,076 --> 00:16:54,076
I'm a cripple!
472
00:16:54,127 --> 00:16:56,295
You give it back,
I brought that!
473
00:16:59,216 --> 00:17:01,334
Out of my way!
474
00:17:01,418 --> 00:17:03,118
These are the best years
of your lives
475
00:17:03,170 --> 00:17:05,221
because you're (bleep) losers!
476
00:17:05,288 --> 00:17:07,390
You think you could follow Tosh?
477
00:17:07,415 --> 00:17:09,415
You can't!
478
00:17:14,681 --> 00:17:16,766
Montgomery, I'm riding up front!
479
00:17:16,817 --> 00:17:19,068
Whatever you say, Mrs. S!
480
00:17:25,859 --> 00:17:28,194
Oh, my God.
481
00:17:28,278 --> 00:17:30,579
My arms look so skinny.
482
00:17:30,647 --> 00:17:32,815
They do.
483
00:17:32,916 --> 00:17:34,984
They really do.
484
00:17:37,721 --> 00:17:39,422
Who would you have brought
to prom if you could've?
485
00:17:39,489 --> 00:17:40,656
Like, any celebrity.
486
00:17:40,707 --> 00:17:43,426
I love Liz Phair,
which makes me sound super old.
487
00:17:43,493 --> 00:17:44,844
No, not old.
488
00:17:44,928 --> 00:17:47,296
Maybe not straight, but...
489
00:17:54,691 --> 00:17:57,467
- So, Mandy, you're a sex columnist.
- Yep.
490
00:17:57,518 --> 00:17:59,719
So when you come up with
sex tips, is there a formula?
491
00:17:59,804 --> 00:18:03,723
Is it like, combine an object
with an action?
492
00:18:03,808 --> 00:18:05,129
Well, I think that's
the old myth,
493
00:18:05,176 --> 00:18:07,861
is that, like, you just
look around the room
494
00:18:07,945 --> 00:18:09,396
and you say, like, well,
495
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:15,035
you put potato chips
in a cup and then...
496
00:18:15,119 --> 00:18:17,119
- ...put your dick in it.
- Put your dick in there.
497
00:18:17,155 --> 00:18:19,355
It's always like,
and throw the dick in there.
498
00:18:19,407 --> 00:18:22,459
How many of your suggestions
have you actually used yourself?
499
00:18:22,526 --> 00:18:26,246
I wrote something about
putting lipstick and like,
500
00:18:26,330 --> 00:18:29,365
circling the parts that you
wanted attention to, you know?
501
00:18:29,417 --> 00:18:34,370
Mine would just look like--
like wax lips around my (bleep).
502
00:18:34,422 --> 00:18:35,672
I've used, like, an Altoid for,
503
00:18:35,723 --> 00:18:38,008
like, oral sex before,
and that actually is--
504
00:18:38,059 --> 00:18:39,426
- That works?
- Mm-hmm.
505
00:18:39,510 --> 00:18:41,211
You've never had somebody
do that with you though, right?
506
00:18:41,262 --> 00:18:44,214
No, yeah, I don't really
like that that much.
507
00:18:44,265 --> 00:18:45,381
A guy going down on you?
508
00:18:45,499 --> 00:18:46,399
Not so much.
509
00:18:46,484 --> 00:18:47,383
- Why?
- Do you?
510
00:18:47,485 --> 00:18:48,485
Yeah.
511
00:18:48,552 --> 00:18:50,737
It just feels very intimate.
512
00:18:50,855 --> 00:18:52,022
Right.
513
00:18:52,073 --> 00:18:53,223
It's the most intimate.
514
00:18:53,324 --> 00:18:54,524
You don't like a guy
going down on you?
515
00:18:54,575 --> 00:18:55,775
I mean, if they're good at it.
516
00:18:55,860 --> 00:18:58,061
- They have to be short.
- But what's great about--
517
00:18:58,112 --> 00:18:59,246
Like, short guys are really
good at oral sex.
518
00:18:59,330 --> 00:19:00,897
- They are?
- That's, like, science.
519
00:19:00,948 --> 00:19:04,918
You kind of go in the trenches
for your stories, I would say.
520
00:19:05,002 --> 00:19:07,237
So what is the course
you're taking this week?
521
00:19:07,288 --> 00:19:12,375
It's a form of meditation
that involves people rubbing
522
00:19:12,460 --> 00:19:15,078
your (bleep) until you (bleep).
523
00:19:15,129 --> 00:19:19,633
Now, I know that I feel like
we don't hang out enough.
524
00:19:19,717 --> 00:19:22,102
You found
a male prostitute in Reno?
525
00:19:22,186 --> 00:19:24,921
Oh, yeah, he was the first
legal male prostitute.
526
00:19:24,972 --> 00:19:26,806
How big was his penis?
527
00:19:26,891 --> 00:19:27,924
Tell me when to stop.
528
00:19:27,975 --> 00:19:30,494
I don't know,
I just tried to-
529
00:19:30,761 --> 00:19:32,262
Maybe a little--
530
00:19:32,363 --> 00:19:34,364
About--
531
00:19:34,431 --> 00:19:36,316
Okay, okay, good for him.
532
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,285
I gave him, like,
a half-hearted hand job.
533
00:19:38,369 --> 00:19:39,986
That's very sweet.
534
00:19:40,071 --> 00:19:41,121
Like, who's giving out
these hand jobs?
535
00:19:41,205 --> 00:19:42,372
'Cause, like--
536
00:19:42,439 --> 00:19:45,075
I've had a guy
that really liked handies.
537
00:19:45,126 --> 00:19:46,243
Yeah.
538
00:19:46,294 --> 00:19:48,245
He was great, he was the hottest
guy I've ever been with.
539
00:19:48,296 --> 00:19:49,496
Wow.
540
00:19:49,580 --> 00:19:52,966
- So you were just like--
- I was like, whatever.
541
00:19:53,050 --> 00:19:54,501
- Yeah.
- That's nice.
542
00:19:54,585 --> 00:19:56,826
I seriously haven't given
a hand job to completion since,
543
00:19:56,837 --> 00:19:57,971
like, elementary school.
544
00:19:58,055 --> 00:19:59,673
Yeah, it's a little immature.
545
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:03,760
What's your job?
546
00:20:05,596 --> 00:20:07,931
Hi!
547
00:20:08,282 --> 00:20:12,169
Everyone hug the
person next to you.
548
00:20:13,521 --> 00:20:15,605
Vaginal meshes.
549
00:20:15,656 --> 00:20:16,656
What's a-- What's a--
550
00:20:16,741 --> 00:20:18,074
What's a vaginal mesh?
551
00:20:18,142 --> 00:20:20,327
It's just, like, when your
vagina gets all messed up
552
00:20:20,444 --> 00:20:22,895
and then we get a mesh
in there and fix it.
553
00:20:23,013 --> 00:20:24,013
Damn!
554
00:20:27,335 --> 00:20:30,537
My last egg just ran
for the hills.
555
00:20:30,621 --> 00:20:33,256
No, thanks.
556
00:20:35,927 --> 00:20:36,826
I'm Amy Schumer.
557
00:20:36,928 --> 00:20:39,012
You know, "When's lunch?"
558
00:20:39,096 --> 00:20:40,714
Okay, I've never heard of you.
559
00:20:40,798 --> 00:20:41,998
This is my girlfriend Madison.
560
00:20:42,049 --> 00:20:43,633
L-L-L-Lucas!
561
00:20:43,718 --> 00:20:44,718
Hi!
562
00:20:44,802 --> 00:20:47,304
Hi, do I know you?
563
00:20:47,888 --> 00:20:49,639
I get you more than her!
564
00:20:49,690 --> 00:20:51,107
Get away from us!
565
00:20:51,225 --> 00:20:52,475
Let's go!
566
00:20:52,526 --> 00:20:55,395
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
567
00:20:55,479 --> 00:20:56,947
So easy.
568
00:20:57,014 --> 00:20:58,181
Mmm, magic!
569
00:21:00,106 --> 00:21:05,406
Sync && corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
570
00:21:05,456 --> 00:21:10,006
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
40279
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
