All language subtitles for Inside Amy Schumer s02e01 v You Would Bang Her.eng

af Afrikaans
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic Download
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bn Bengali
bs Bosnian
bg Bulgarian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch Download
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
km Khmer
ko Korean
ku Kurdish (Kurmanji)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Lao
la Latin
lv Latvian
lt Lithuanian
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
ne Nepali
no Norwegian
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt Portuguese
pa Punjabi
ro Romanian
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
st Sesotho
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhala
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish Download
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
te Telugu
th Thai
tr Turkish
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
or Odia (Oriya)
rw Kinyarwanda
tk Turkmen
tt Tatar
ug Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,201 --> 00:00:03,703 Okay everyone, thanks for participating in this focus group. 2 00:00:03,770 --> 00:00:05,238 I'm going to be asking you some questions about the show 3 00:00:05,289 --> 00:00:08,958 "Inside Amy Schumer", everyone understand? 4 00:00:09,076 --> 00:00:11,744 Okay. So first question, what do you think 5 00:00:11,795 --> 00:00:14,163 the balance between the sketches and the stand-up? 6 00:00:14,248 --> 00:00:15,465 - Ooh! - Bronco? 7 00:00:15,549 --> 00:00:17,967 Yeah, I thought her tits were great. 8 00:00:18,052 --> 00:00:19,969 Like, really good tits. 9 00:00:20,054 --> 00:00:22,288 But her face was just okay. 10 00:00:22,339 --> 00:00:24,407 Just so-so face, man. 11 00:00:24,491 --> 00:00:26,074 So-so face, okay. 12 00:00:26,299 --> 00:00:29,499 How about the balance between stand-up and sketches? 13 00:00:29,524 --> 00:00:30,809 - Dave, you have a thought? - Yeah. 14 00:00:30,810 --> 00:00:32,777 Um, she looked better in the stand-up, for sure, 15 00:00:32,845 --> 00:00:36,948 but then there was just way, way hotter chicks in the skits. 16 00:00:37,016 --> 00:00:40,035 So it was really hard for me to say... 17 00:00:40,119 --> 00:00:44,072 And also, I like the skits better when you saw sideboob, 18 00:00:44,156 --> 00:00:46,691 kind of, but not the close-ups of face. 19 00:00:46,742 --> 00:00:49,411 Like, way less face, but more sideboob. 20 00:00:49,495 --> 00:00:51,663 - That's what I would say. - Okay. 21 00:00:51,714 --> 00:00:54,132 Is this something you guys could see yourselves DVRing? 22 00:00:54,199 --> 00:00:56,480 I would probably bang her, if that's what you mean? 23 00:00:56,535 --> 00:00:58,253 Seriously, dude? 24 00:00:58,337 --> 00:00:59,754 Yeah. 25 00:00:59,839 --> 00:01:01,089 - You wouldn't bang her? - I don't know. 26 00:01:01,173 --> 00:01:02,494 Is it crazy that I would bang her? 27 00:01:02,508 --> 00:01:03,975 Dude, yes, you would. 28 00:01:04,043 --> 00:01:06,044 Like, if no one had to find out ever. 29 00:01:06,095 --> 00:01:08,680 - Like, you just bang her-- - If nobody finds out? 30 00:01:08,731 --> 00:01:10,731 - Just bang, dude. - Then I'm banging her. 31 00:01:10,733 --> 00:01:12,233 I would, yeah. 32 00:01:12,318 --> 00:01:14,402 Okay, so everyone would bang her if nobody knew. 33 00:01:14,487 --> 00:01:16,220 - If nobody knew. - I'd like to bang her. 34 00:01:16,272 --> 00:01:18,073 Like to bang her. 35 00:01:18,157 --> 00:01:19,637 Great, this is awesome, guys. 36 00:01:22,111 --> 00:01:24,195 - Okay, sure, go ahead. - Are the writers hot? 37 00:01:24,246 --> 00:01:26,581 If I could interject, I liked the routines where she was on 38 00:01:26,699 --> 00:01:30,568 the street talking to people and I appreciated how it had a sort 39 00:01:30,619 --> 00:01:32,587 of feminist bend on a male-skewing network. 40 00:01:32,672 --> 00:01:34,572 Okay, great. 41 00:01:34,623 --> 00:01:36,574 But I must say, I would enjoy the routines more 42 00:01:36,625 --> 00:01:40,011 if she had like a 10% better dumper? 43 00:01:40,079 --> 00:01:42,714 - Thank you. - Yes. 44 00:01:42,765 --> 00:01:44,916 - Downstairs better? - Yeah. 45 00:01:44,967 --> 00:01:46,768 - Okay, everyone agrees with that, right? - Yes, absolutely. 46 00:01:46,852 --> 00:01:49,013 It's just gotta be a better turtle part, man. 47 00:01:49,021 --> 00:01:50,605 Okay, last question. 48 00:01:50,690 --> 00:01:54,025 On a scale of one to 10, how funny was "Inside Amy Schumer?" 49 00:01:54,093 --> 00:01:56,928 You can write your answers on the cards in front of you. 50 00:02:00,066 --> 00:02:01,533 1 to 10 guys. 51 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:03,234 Everyone ready? 52 00:02:03,285 --> 00:02:05,653 Okay, everyone show your cards. 53 00:02:10,459 --> 00:02:13,211 Okay, so... okay, great. 54 00:02:13,278 --> 00:02:15,947 Um, going to give your input to the network and uh, 55 00:02:15,998 --> 00:02:18,817 here's your payment. 56 00:02:19,284 --> 00:02:21,553 Beef sticks and energy drinks. 57 00:02:21,620 --> 00:02:24,089 Oh! 58 00:02:34,734 --> 00:02:38,019 Couple of 'em said they would bang me? 59 00:02:45,790 --> 00:02:50,792 Sync && corrections by XhmikosR www.addic7ed.com 60 00:02:51,133 --> 00:02:53,535 It's so hard for girls, like, your self-esteem, 61 00:02:53,602 --> 00:02:55,270 I just feel like it's up and down. 62 00:02:55,338 --> 00:02:58,239 Some days I wake up and I'm just like, yes, bitch. 63 00:02:58,324 --> 00:03:03,611 I'm like, my pussy's (bleep) magic. 64 00:03:03,696 --> 00:03:05,196 Then other days I wake up like, 65 00:03:05,247 --> 00:03:09,584 I can't believe anyone's ever (bleep) me. 66 00:03:09,669 --> 00:03:13,588 Like, Ursula from "The Little Mermaid." 67 00:03:13,673 --> 00:03:14,956 Shooting ink at people. 68 00:03:15,041 --> 00:03:16,541 Like, tentacles. 69 00:03:16,592 --> 00:03:18,593 Just... do you think that was hot? 70 00:03:18,678 --> 00:03:22,080 Is it just like a sea of boners out there right now? 71 00:03:22,131 --> 00:03:23,715 Bone, boneyard. 72 00:03:27,086 --> 00:03:29,253 Shrimpy been prawn... 73 00:03:35,478 --> 00:03:37,362 Hey butthole, what' up? 74 00:03:37,429 --> 00:03:40,264 Girl, did Bobby Skeltis ever end up letting have sex with him? 75 00:03:40,366 --> 00:03:41,983 Why? No. 76 00:03:42,068 --> 00:03:43,467 Okay good, Laura just told me he has herpes. 77 00:03:43,486 --> 00:03:44,903 So. 78 00:03:44,954 --> 00:03:46,538 Oh. 79 00:03:46,605 --> 00:03:49,991 Well, no, that is a big relief because no, I did not. 80 00:03:50,016 --> 00:03:52,116 Ok, no. I just wanted to let you know. 81 00:03:52,244 --> 00:03:53,628 Oh my God, oh no, no, no! 82 00:03:53,713 --> 00:03:56,131 My God, no! 83 00:03:56,215 --> 00:03:58,967 Please, God, let me not have herpes, please! 84 00:04:02,171 --> 00:04:04,539 We, well, well. 85 00:04:04,590 --> 00:04:05,974 Look who it is. 86 00:04:06,041 --> 00:04:07,642 God? 87 00:04:07,709 --> 00:04:10,678 Do you remember when the last time I heard from you was? 88 00:04:10,730 --> 00:04:13,398 It was probably pretty recently when my friend Tig got cancer. 89 00:04:13,482 --> 00:04:15,066 Pretty sure I reached out then. 90 00:04:15,151 --> 00:04:18,019 No, it was seven years ago when you were rooting for 91 00:04:18,070 --> 00:04:20,905 the Green Knight at Medieval Times. 92 00:04:20,990 --> 00:04:22,557 Oh. 93 00:04:22,608 --> 00:04:24,492 Well, God, thank you so much for coming through for me 94 00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:25,994 - that night. - You're welcome. 95 00:04:26,061 --> 00:04:28,663 This guy, Bobby Skeltis, that you slept with? 96 00:04:28,730 --> 00:04:30,331 What are you doing? 97 00:04:30,399 --> 00:04:32,200 I know, ow. 98 00:04:32,251 --> 00:04:33,668 I can do so ch better, you're right. 99 00:04:33,735 --> 00:04:36,104 I didn't say that. 100 00:04:36,255 --> 00:04:37,622 Oh. 101 00:04:37,673 --> 00:04:41,709 You know, 70% of people who reach out to me 102 00:04:41,761 --> 00:04:45,380 are having a herpes scare. 103 00:04:45,431 --> 00:04:48,749 - Why should I help you? - Okay. 104 00:04:48,801 --> 00:04:49,968 - That's a fair question. - Yeah. 105 00:04:50,052 --> 00:04:51,269 Okay. 106 00:04:51,271 --> 00:04:53,721 Um, so I'm kind, a public figure now. 107 00:04:53,773 --> 00:04:55,723 Like a role model? 108 00:04:55,775 --> 00:04:59,277 So if some young girl saw me buying Valtrex or something, 109 00:04:59,361 --> 00:05:01,446 - it would be like, a thing. - Right. 110 00:05:01,564 --> 00:05:03,931 A thing, hmm. 111 00:05:03,983 --> 00:05:07,702 Like that earthquake in Peru yesterday that killed 9,000 people. 112 00:05:07,769 --> 00:05:09,537 Oh my God, I hope no one was hurt. 113 00:05:09,605 --> 00:05:11,623 Oh, gosh. 114 00:05:11,707 --> 00:05:15,243 I really need to stop making so many white girls. 115 00:05:15,294 --> 00:05:18,379 Let me be honest with you, okay? 116 00:05:18,447 --> 00:05:20,582 You did get herpes, you already have it. 117 00:05:20,633 --> 00:05:23,001 - No! - Yes. 118 00:05:23,085 --> 00:05:25,670 For me to undo your herpes, 119 00:05:25,754 --> 00:05:29,557 I have to create balance in the universe, you understand? 120 00:05:29,625 --> 00:05:31,226 Totally. 121 00:05:31,260 --> 00:05:35,396 I'd have to kill off an entire village in Uzbekistan. 122 00:05:35,464 --> 00:05:37,065 Yeah, whatever you think is best. 123 00:05:37,090 --> 00:05:37,931 Do it. 124 00:05:37,932 --> 00:05:40,185 You'll also have to sacrifice something. 125 00:05:40,269 --> 00:05:43,071 - Oh my God, name it. - Okay. 126 00:05:43,138 --> 00:05:45,573 - You need to stop drinking. - Pass. 127 00:05:45,641 --> 00:05:47,325 How about stop using hair spray? 128 00:05:47,409 --> 00:05:49,477 The aerosol is very bad for the environment. 129 00:05:49,528 --> 00:05:50,978 Could I just like, blow you? 130 00:05:51,030 --> 00:05:53,414 I'm gay. 131 00:05:53,482 --> 00:05:55,116 - So? - Jesus Christ. 132 00:05:55,167 --> 00:05:58,670 How about you just call your mother a little bit more often? 133 00:05:58,754 --> 00:06:00,505 That's an easy one. 134 00:06:00,589 --> 00:06:04,492 Mmm... what is herpes exactly? 135 00:06:04,543 --> 00:06:06,511 It's an outbreak, like, once a year? 136 00:06:06,629 --> 00:06:08,429 - Yeah. - I don't know.... 137 00:06:08,497 --> 00:06:09,977 - I think I'll just take it. - Okay, fine. 138 00:06:10,015 --> 00:06:12,634 Fine, herpes it is. 139 00:06:12,768 --> 00:06:15,353 Now don't forget to call all the men that you've slept with. 140 00:06:15,471 --> 00:06:17,004 It's the moral thing to do, right? 141 00:06:17,056 --> 00:06:18,973 Oh my God, of course. 142 00:06:19,024 --> 00:06:21,309 Duh. 143 00:06:26,031 --> 00:06:28,032 - Amy. - Mmm! 144 00:06:28,100 --> 00:06:29,367 I can see everything. 145 00:06:29,434 --> 00:06:31,069 What? Oh now? 146 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:32,987 - You want me to do it now? - Yes! 147 00:06:33,072 --> 00:06:34,539 Okay, well, you weren't clear about that. 148 00:06:34,606 --> 00:06:36,207 - I'll do it right now. - Sorry. 149 00:06:36,275 --> 00:06:39,043 I'm sorry, I'll do it now. 150 00:06:43,898 --> 00:06:46,117 Boopoop boop. 151 00:06:46,168 --> 00:06:48,586 Boop boop... 152 00:06:51,223 --> 00:06:55,110 Jeans into jean shorts 153 00:06:55,427 --> 00:06:57,011 What? 154 00:06:57,013 --> 00:06:59,430 I'm sorry you change seasons and now I need jean shorts. 155 00:06:59,481 --> 00:07:01,632 - This one's on you. - Just call them. 156 00:07:01,684 --> 00:07:03,768 No! 157 00:07:06,138 --> 00:07:08,356 Fine, I'll do it. 158 00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:10,441 Gimme the phone. 159 00:07:10,492 --> 00:07:14,162 Unbelievable. 160 00:07:16,665 --> 00:07:19,784 Hi, Mike, it's Amy. 161 00:07:19,835 --> 00:07:23,087 - Schumer. - I don't talk like that. 162 00:07:23,155 --> 00:07:25,156 Uh, yeah, we met on Christmas at the 163 00:07:25,257 --> 00:07:28,710 Boston Market and had sex after two beers? 164 00:07:28,794 --> 00:07:30,094 Yeah. 165 00:07:30,179 --> 00:07:31,659 You have herpes because I have herpes. 166 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:34,332 Byeee! 167 00:07:34,383 --> 00:07:36,267 Did he sound like he was at all psyched to hear from me, 168 00:07:36,335 --> 00:07:40,772 - like what was his vibe? - You're the (bleep) worst. 169 00:07:44,843 --> 00:07:47,862 - Wow. - Oh, no? 170 00:07:50,950 --> 00:07:52,367 You ever had a herpes scare? 171 00:07:52,451 --> 00:07:54,235 - Once, yes. - What happened? 172 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:55,787 Um, staph infection. 173 00:07:55,854 --> 00:07:58,122 - Thank God! - I know, right? 174 00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:00,358 You ever had an STD scare? 175 00:08:00,409 --> 00:08:02,460 STD scare, no. 176 00:08:02,527 --> 00:08:05,162 - Wow, good job. - Wrap that (bleep) up. 177 00:08:05,164 --> 00:08:06,884 That's a penis and this was a condom, right? 178 00:08:14,309 --> 00:08:17,809 Your wedding day... Memories that will last a lifetime. 179 00:08:17,834 --> 00:08:21,234 And you deserve to have those memories captured by a true professional. 180 00:08:21,259 --> 00:08:25,759 Not ruined by some ** who can't ** different skin tone. 181 00:08:25,804 --> 00:08:27,771 Click! Hi, I'm Martin Daniels, 182 00:08:27,839 --> 00:08:29,940 Interracial Wedding Photographer. 183 00:08:30,008 --> 00:08:33,176 I'll make sure your wildly mismatched skin pigments 184 00:08:33,228 --> 00:08:36,613 don't stand in the way of a flawless wedding portrait. 185 00:08:36,681 --> 00:08:38,348 Presto! 186 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:39,867 My work speaks for itself. 187 00:08:39,901 --> 00:08:42,786 I photographed literally dozen of satisfied couple 188 00:08:42,854 --> 00:08:44,655 like these two here. 189 00:08:44,706 --> 00:08:47,291 Wendy is Asian and Josh is, guess what, a Jew. 190 00:08:47,358 --> 00:08:48,575 Real original, Josh. 191 00:08:48,660 --> 00:08:50,461 Click. 192 00:08:50,528 --> 00:08:52,809 My two separate but equal light meters allow me to capture 193 00:08:52,864 --> 00:08:56,199 the pastiest whites and the darkiest darks. 194 00:08:56,251 --> 00:08:58,135 Even though your union doesn't look right through the Lord's 195 00:08:58,202 --> 00:09:00,162 eyes, I'll still take the picture. 196 00:09:00,171 --> 00:09:01,722 Who am I, jury duty? 197 00:09:01,724 --> 00:09:04,558 And my specialized editing software lets me disguise 198 00:09:04,675 --> 00:09:07,177 the disapproving looks from your relatives. 199 00:09:07,228 --> 00:09:08,879 Can I do Persian and black? Yes! 200 00:09:08,930 --> 00:09:11,148 Jewish and Namibian? Yes! 201 00:09:11,215 --> 00:09:13,851 Irish and indecipherable? Why not? 202 00:09:13,902 --> 00:09:15,152 Korean and Mexican? 203 00:09:15,219 --> 00:09:16,887 No. 204 00:09:16,938 --> 00:09:19,189 No you have to draw the line somewhere. 205 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:20,724 Will I photograph same race couples? 206 00:09:20,775 --> 00:09:22,493 Gladly. 207 00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:25,746 I offer a 30% Stick With Your Own Kind discount, click. 208 00:09:25,830 --> 00:09:28,231 But if you insist on saying, "I do" to someone who grew up 209 00:09:28,283 --> 00:09:30,723 in a house that smelled different than your house, 210 00:09:30,735 --> 00:09:33,253 you can count on me, Martin Daniels, 211 00:09:33,338 --> 00:09:35,839 Interracial Wedding Photographer. 212 00:09:35,907 --> 00:09:37,408 What the (bleep) you just say? 213 00:09:40,178 --> 00:09:42,146 You ever hook up with a black guy? 214 00:09:42,213 --> 00:09:43,731 Half-black, half-Puerto Rican once. 215 00:09:43,815 --> 00:09:45,149 We are accepting that, yes, thank you. 216 00:09:45,216 --> 00:09:46,600 Excellent, I've been wondering 217 00:09:46,685 --> 00:09:48,051 Was it cool or what? 218 00:09:48,103 --> 00:09:49,486 I think I enjoyed it, yeah. 219 00:09:49,554 --> 00:09:51,555 That is the perfect way to describe every sexual 220 00:09:51,606 --> 00:09:52,656 encounter I've ever had. 221 00:09:52,741 --> 00:09:54,108 I think enjoyed it, but.. 222 00:09:54,192 --> 00:09:56,393 You ever date a black guy? 223 00:09:56,444 --> 00:09:58,495 I never dated a black guy. 224 00:09:58,530 --> 00:10:00,698 You are the best. 225 00:10:06,021 --> 00:10:08,088 Unh! 226 00:10:08,106 --> 00:10:10,146 Bridget Everett is just three points away from winning 227 00:10:10,174 --> 00:10:12,243 her fourth Grand Slam. 228 00:10:12,310 --> 00:10:13,977 Remarkably, she has not allowed Schumerenka a single game in 229 00:10:14,029 --> 00:10:16,146 this match and yet, I can't take my eyes off 230 00:10:16,198 --> 00:10:18,115 of Schumerenka's unique style on the court. 231 00:10:18,166 --> 00:10:19,700 I agree, Patrick. 232 00:10:19,784 --> 00:10:24,955 Schumerenka has a charisma on the court that just pulls you in. 233 00:10:26,841 --> 00:10:28,425 Out. 234 00:10:28,493 --> 00:10:30,453 I think one reason why Schumerenka having such 235 00:10:30,495 --> 00:10:32,046 a difficult time in this match is the distraction 236 00:10:32,130 --> 00:10:34,131 factor of Evett's grunting. 237 00:10:34,182 --> 00:10:35,933 Oh, God, it's disgusting, they should really ban it. 238 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,302 Whoo! 239 00:10:38,353 --> 00:10:39,937 Ah 240 00:10:40,004 --> 00:10:41,472 Unh. 241 00:10:41,523 --> 00:10:43,173 Out. 242 00:10:43,225 --> 00:10:46,193 Heaving and sweating like a Clysdale, Everett makes the shot. 243 00:10:46,278 --> 00:10:47,978 Let's take a look at the instant replay. 244 00:10:48,029 --> 00:10:50,397 Unh. 245 00:10:54,686 --> 00:10:56,453 So amazing. 246 00:10:56,538 --> 00:10:59,373 I think the most incredible part of Schumerenka's game is how she 247 00:10:59,457 --> 00:11:02,660 manages to be so thin and yet, still have such large breasts. 248 00:11:02,711 --> 00:11:04,128 Absolutely, it's just such a turn-on 249 00:11:04,195 --> 00:11:06,213 to see tennis play with this level of integrity. 250 00:11:06,298 --> 00:11:10,134 Amy's friends and family obviously agree. 251 00:11:10,585 --> 00:11:13,504 Schumerenka's sponsor is Herpsky premium vodka. 252 00:11:20,812 --> 00:11:22,930 As usual, Everett's friend and old math teacher 253 00:11:23,014 --> 00:11:24,982 is there to cheer her on. 254 00:11:25,049 --> 00:11:28,435 Got her a nice seat in her VIP box, sponsored by Ground Beef. 255 00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,321 Is what she's doing technically cheering her on? 256 00:11:30,388 --> 00:11:32,523 It looks like she's just eating snacks from home. 257 00:11:32,574 --> 00:11:35,943 Schumerenka seems to be trying to take a moment to refocus. 258 00:11:36,027 --> 00:11:38,228 This is one of those key moments where she definitely needs to 259 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,564 take her time and not rush. 260 00:11:40,615 --> 00:11:43,167 - Yeah, don't rush that. - Whoo. 261 00:11:43,234 --> 00:11:45,419 Bridget doesn't seem to like the delay in the game and as usual, 262 00:11:45,503 --> 00:11:48,455 she has to try to control her infamous attitude problem. 263 00:11:48,540 --> 00:11:51,241 It's unattractive and also she's (bleep) ****. 264 00:11:51,293 --> 00:11:53,910 Unh! 265 00:11:53,962 --> 00:11:55,095 Unh! 266 00:11:55,213 --> 00:11:56,964 Uh! 267 00:11:57,081 --> 00:11:58,849 No good, it's over. 268 00:11:58,933 --> 00:12:00,517 Yes! Yes! 269 00:12:00,585 --> 00:12:02,469 Well, Evert wins the East Coast International 270 00:12:02,554 --> 00:12:04,054 for the fourth time in straight sets. 271 00:12:04,105 --> 00:12:05,472 Hope she's happy. 272 00:12:05,557 --> 00:12:06,857 Let's go courtside for the awards ceremony. 273 00:12:06,924 --> 00:12:08,642 Bridget, you won. 274 00:12:08,727 --> 00:12:12,279 Here's your cup and a million dollars. 275 00:12:13,431 --> 00:12:15,232 Thanks, Katrina. 276 00:12:15,283 --> 00:12:18,068 - Really fought hard out there-- - Amy, you lost. 277 00:12:18,119 --> 00:12:21,238 But you were so gorgeous throughout the entire match 278 00:12:21,289 --> 00:12:22,740 that it's almost like you won. 279 00:12:22,791 --> 00:12:24,875 Does that make sense? What's your secret? 280 00:12:24,959 --> 00:12:26,994 Um. 281 00:12:27,078 --> 00:12:28,545 I love this country. 282 00:12:28,613 --> 00:12:30,547 Freedom. 283 00:12:30,615 --> 00:12:33,050 Amy, I'm being told the crowd has chipped in. 284 00:12:33,117 --> 00:12:38,138 You will now be walking away with $2 million! 285 00:12:40,592 --> 00:12:41,625 America! 286 00:12:41,676 --> 00:12:44,094 I love you... thank you! 287 00:12:44,145 --> 00:12:47,064 Oh, thank you, my country! 288 00:12:47,182 --> 00:12:52,353 Thank you! America! 289 00:12:52,437 --> 00:12:53,821 Ah! 290 00:12:53,905 --> 00:12:55,572 I won... I won. 291 00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:59,109 Amy! Amy! Amy! 292 00:13:01,479 --> 00:13:03,196 These are for you take them. 293 00:13:03,248 --> 00:13:04,948 I don't need them anymore. 294 00:13:04,999 --> 00:13:06,333 I love you, America. 295 00:13:06,418 --> 00:13:07,984 Take them. 296 00:13:08,036 --> 00:13:10,087 Amy Schumerenka, a true champion. 297 00:13:10,154 --> 00:13:11,422 Great for tennis. 298 00:13:11,489 --> 00:13:12,850 - I would (beep) her. - Oh, me too. 299 00:13:15,677 --> 00:13:17,109 Who do you think is the hottest female athlete? 300 00:13:17,128 --> 00:13:18,578 Anna Kournikova? 301 00:13:18,630 --> 00:13:19,713 - Yeah? - Yeah, not too bad. 302 00:13:19,764 --> 00:13:22,182 Uh, is she good at tennis? 303 00:13:22,250 --> 00:13:24,134 Mildly. 304 00:13:24,219 --> 00:13:25,803 - But it doesn't matter. - No, doesn't. 305 00:13:25,887 --> 00:13:27,354 - You'd still rather watch her play. - Yeah. 306 00:13:27,422 --> 00:13:29,390 Who do you think is the hottest female athlete? 307 00:13:29,441 --> 00:13:31,361 Is there really any hot female athlete out there? 308 00:13:31,426 --> 00:13:32,943 They're a little butchy, all of them. 309 00:13:33,027 --> 00:13:34,778 Well, I'm a little butchy and I get laid. 310 00:13:34,863 --> 00:13:36,530 Who do you think is the hottest female athlete? 311 00:13:36,614 --> 00:13:38,649 And you can't say me. 312 00:13:38,733 --> 00:13:40,067 - You're not an athlete. - What? 313 00:13:40,118 --> 00:13:41,935 Feel how heavy this is. 314 00:13:41,986 --> 00:13:42,986 It's like a Shake Weight. 315 00:13:42,987 --> 00:13:44,204 This is like a Shake Weight. 316 00:13:44,289 --> 00:13:46,407 Stop having better jokes than me on my TV show. 317 00:14:03,057 --> 00:14:05,298 Oh, good morning, Mr. Blake, I'm Amy, your new secretary. 318 00:14:05,310 --> 00:14:06,977 Hello, Amy, good to meet you. 319 00:14:07,044 --> 00:14:08,595 Say, I'm very busy today so I like you to make sure 320 00:14:08,746 --> 00:14:10,264 that I'm not disturbed. 321 00:14:10,348 --> 00:14:12,028 No one, but no one, is to go into my office 322 00:14:12,066 --> 00:14:13,100 without an appointment, got it? 323 00:14:13,184 --> 00:14:15,402 - Yes, sir. - Thanks, doll. 324 00:14:20,525 --> 00:14:22,726 - I need to see Mr. Blake immediately! - Oh, I'm sorry, sir. 325 00:14:22,727 --> 00:14:24,445 - He's busy right now. - Well, this can't wait. 326 00:14:24,529 --> 00:14:26,196 No, no, you can't go in there! 327 00:14:26,247 --> 00:14:27,998 Blake! Completely unacceptable! 328 00:14:28,065 --> 00:14:29,783 Third time this month! 329 00:14:29,785 --> 00:14:31,585 I'm sorry, Mr. Blake, I told him he can't come in here! 330 00:14:31,669 --> 00:14:33,504 All right, Amy, have a seat, Bill. 331 00:14:33,571 --> 00:14:36,957 For the love of God. 332 00:14:37,041 --> 00:14:39,626 This is-- 333 00:14:46,768 --> 00:14:50,137 - Damn it, Amy, what happened there? - I'm sorry, sir. 334 00:14:50,221 --> 00:14:52,189 I told him he couldn't go in there. Okay. 335 00:14:52,256 --> 00:14:54,024 Well, I really need you to put some oomph into it, kiddo. 336 00:14:54,091 --> 00:14:56,977 - Okay. - All right. 337 00:15:00,198 --> 00:15:01,949 This is an abomination, I need to see Mr. Blake. 338 00:15:02,033 --> 00:15:03,473 No, you can't go in there! 339 00:15:03,568 --> 00:15:06,403 The hell I can! 340 00:15:06,454 --> 00:15:08,372 Blake, I've had it up to here! 341 00:15:08,439 --> 00:15:10,720 I'm sorry, Mr. Blake, I told he can't come in here! 342 00:15:10,775 --> 00:15:12,910 Jesus Christ, Amy. 343 00:15:12,961 --> 00:15:14,778 Ed, did she say you couldn't come in here? 344 00:15:14,879 --> 00:15:16,497 - Yes, she did. - Well, how did she say? 345 00:15:16,581 --> 00:15:18,499 Uh, "You can't go in there." 346 00:15:18,583 --> 00:15:20,450 Okay, that's pretty good. 347 00:15:20,502 --> 00:15:22,970 But the way she said it, it felt like I could go in there. 348 00:15:23,054 --> 00:15:24,471 Mm-hmm. 349 00:15:24,556 --> 00:15:26,957 Amy, there are thousands of women who'd kill for the 350 00:15:27,008 --> 00:15:28,959 opportunity to tell people they can't come into my office. 351 00:15:29,010 --> 00:15:30,978 I know, I'm sorry, sir, I'll work on it. 352 00:15:31,062 --> 00:15:34,348 Mm-hmm, all right, have a seat, Ed. 353 00:15:39,771 --> 00:15:42,272 You can't go in there... you can't go in there. 354 00:15:42,323 --> 00:15:43,440 You can't go in there. 355 00:15:43,491 --> 00:15:44,691 I have to see Mr. Blake! 356 00:15:44,776 --> 00:15:46,142 No, no, you can't in there! 357 00:15:46,194 --> 00:15:47,444 Oh. 358 00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:49,530 Okay, thank you. 359 00:15:49,581 --> 00:15:52,366 I'll wait. 360 00:15:52,450 --> 00:15:54,117 Oh. 361 00:15:54,168 --> 00:15:56,003 We, I'm sorry I yelled, I have to say that. 362 00:15:56,087 --> 00:15:58,989 No, I respect the American secretary. 363 00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:01,008 I'm not an animal. 364 00:16:01,092 --> 00:16:02,659 Sir, thank you. 365 00:16:02,710 --> 00:16:04,962 Today's been so difficult for me and-- 366 00:16:05,013 --> 00:16:06,597 Say! Is someone going in there? 367 00:16:06,664 --> 00:16:08,849 - Where? - Come on, everyone! 368 00:16:08,967 --> 00:16:10,216 What? No! 369 00:16:10,268 --> 00:16:11,635 No, you can't go in there! 370 00:16:11,686 --> 00:16:13,103 You can't go in there! You can't go in there! 371 00:16:13,170 --> 00:16:14,521 You, you can't go in there! 372 00:16:14,606 --> 00:16:15,522 You can't go in there! You can't go in there! 373 00:16:15,607 --> 00:16:17,357 You can't go in there! 374 00:16:17,442 --> 00:16:19,026 You can't-- Oh, gosh, I'm dreadful at this. 375 00:16:19,110 --> 00:16:20,027 How did you guys get in here? 376 00:16:20,111 --> 00:16:22,362 Amy! 377 00:16:25,817 --> 00:16:28,652 Look, Amy, you're a woman and you can only focus 378 00:16:28,703 --> 00:16:30,954 on one thing at a time, I get that. 379 00:16:31,022 --> 00:16:32,456 That's why I gave you just the one task. 380 00:16:32,523 --> 00:16:34,491 In fact, what are you even doing typing? 381 00:16:34,542 --> 00:16:37,044 Look, you need to start doing your job or I'm going to find 382 00:16:37,128 --> 00:16:38,629 someone who can do your job. 383 00:16:44,218 --> 00:16:47,254 Well, hello, I'm here to see Mr. Blake. 384 00:16:47,338 --> 00:16:52,593 You can't go in there! 385 00:16:54,378 --> 00:16:55,562 Oh! 386 00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:58,682 Ooh! Ow! 387 00:16:58,733 --> 00:17:01,268 Oh! 388 00:17:14,565 --> 00:17:17,618 I'm sorry, your call cannot be completed as dialed. 389 00:17:17,702 --> 00:17:21,171 You! Can't! Go! In! There! 390 00:17:21,238 --> 00:17:22,839 Amy. 391 00:17:22,907 --> 00:17:25,542 Did my 11:30 get here yet? 392 00:17:28,963 --> 00:17:31,482 Mr. Blake will see you now. 393 00:17:31,933 --> 00:17:34,885 Stand up, stand up 394 00:17:34,936 --> 00:17:37,087 And be proud let someone in 395 00:17:37,138 --> 00:17:38,605 Let someone in 396 00:17:38,690 --> 00:17:42,959 Go get the coffee now 397 00:17:46,884 --> 00:17:49,984 - So, Gabe, you edit and produce porn. - Yeah. 398 00:17:50,009 --> 00:17:52,009 How did you get started working in porn? 399 00:17:52,034 --> 00:17:53,610 My friend told me, "If you wanna work on TV, 400 00:17:53,611 --> 00:17:55,612 find a production studio that makes something you love." 401 00:17:55,696 --> 00:17:58,698 So I was like, let me find a porn studio that makes something I love. 402 00:17:58,749 --> 00:18:00,900 What's the name of the last porn you shot? 403 00:18:00,951 --> 00:18:02,952 Um, it is called "(Bleep)more." 404 00:18:03,037 --> 00:18:05,788 It's... 405 00:18:05,873 --> 00:18:07,406 - Is this about me? - It's not. 406 00:18:07,458 --> 00:18:08,908 We can Photoshop your face on the cover-- 407 00:18:08,959 --> 00:18:10,593 I'd appreciate that. 408 00:18:10,678 --> 00:18:12,262 What's your favorite scene you've ever shot? 409 00:18:12,346 --> 00:18:14,866 The thing I'm most proud of is a double penetration shot we, 410 00:18:14,915 --> 00:18:16,675 - we got away with. - What's that? 411 00:18:16,717 --> 00:18:18,117 - I'm just kidding. - Oh, man, okay. 412 00:18:18,185 --> 00:18:19,302 'Cause I could tell you. 413 00:18:19,386 --> 00:18:21,387 No... Would you ever do it? 414 00:18:21,438 --> 00:18:23,106 - Oh no, no, God, no. - Why? 415 00:18:23,190 --> 00:18:24,641 I don't know if I got the body for that. 416 00:18:24,692 --> 00:18:25,892 - Like-- - Come on! 417 00:18:25,943 --> 00:18:28,027 - could work it, but like, not-- - Girl. 418 00:18:28,112 --> 00:18:31,614 Is it more important to have a good body or a huge (bleep)? 419 00:18:31,699 --> 00:18:33,399 We've gotten some older guys with like, craggy faces and 420 00:18:33,450 --> 00:18:35,618 like, really saggy, but then they have these like, 421 00:18:35,703 --> 00:18:37,320 - giant 11-inch dicks. - Giant dongs. 422 00:18:37,404 --> 00:18:39,271 - What do you do? - It's like a chest-down kind of thing. 423 00:18:39,323 --> 00:18:41,774 So you'll like, pan up to their face every now and then-- 424 00:18:41,875 --> 00:18:43,376 - Ooh, ooh, ooh. - Like, he's a human! 425 00:18:43,443 --> 00:18:44,723 - And then you just go back. - Right. 426 00:18:44,778 --> 00:18:46,045 "We promise! 427 00:18:46,113 --> 00:18:47,613 This isn't a centaur." 428 00:18:47,665 --> 00:18:49,666 What if someone's just like, a really bad actor? 429 00:18:49,750 --> 00:18:50,883 Like, so bad. 430 00:18:50,951 --> 00:18:52,669 Have you ever replaced anyone? 431 00:18:52,753 --> 00:18:55,621 Like, you'd be surprised how many people don't show up last minute. 432 00:18:55,673 --> 00:18:57,423 So sometimes we'll have like, backups, that we'll call like, 433 00:18:57,474 --> 00:18:59,291 a half hour before and be like, "Yo, is your butt clean? 434 00:18:59,343 --> 00:19:01,344 - Come over." - So cute. 435 00:19:01,428 --> 00:19:04,147 That's how they ask me to get ready for the show in the morning. 436 00:19:04,297 --> 00:19:05,598 "Schumer, clean your butt." 437 00:19:05,649 --> 00:19:07,600 I'm like, "I don't wanna!" 438 00:19:07,651 --> 00:19:10,136 What's the worst thing you've witnessed this year? 439 00:19:10,187 --> 00:19:11,867 Usually what I have to do is get that like, 440 00:19:11,921 --> 00:19:13,740 - beneath the (bleep) shot. - Okay. 441 00:19:13,807 --> 00:19:15,247 So it's almost like you're a tiny ant 442 00:19:15,308 --> 00:19:17,610 - and you're just staring up at... - That's cute. 443 00:19:17,695 --> 00:19:18,861 What a cute metaphor. 444 00:19:18,946 --> 00:19:21,414 This is getting-- why is this so cute? 445 00:19:21,481 --> 00:19:22,865 I don't know. You've like a weevil. 446 00:19:22,950 --> 00:19:24,334 You're like, "So I'm in 'Fraggle Rock'." 447 00:19:24,418 --> 00:19:27,420 - Oh my God. - So this dude, he like, 448 00:19:27,487 --> 00:19:29,372 um, pulls his (bleep) just as he's (bleep)-- 449 00:19:29,456 --> 00:19:30,873 - You're not like, wearing a poncho-- - No. 450 00:19:30,958 --> 00:19:32,875 - You're not at a Gallagher show. - No. 451 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,280 And I kid you not, it was like Niagara Falls. 452 00:19:35,328 --> 00:19:38,848 It was just like, a wave of like, (bleep) to the face. 453 00:19:38,882 --> 00:19:41,934 - This sounds like the worst case scenario. - It was really rough. 454 00:19:42,002 --> 00:19:45,271 And it's like, somehow the grace of whatever God exists, 455 00:19:45,356 --> 00:19:47,056 it missed my mouth. 456 00:19:47,141 --> 00:19:50,610 You are such a glass half-full type of guy. 457 00:19:53,180 --> 00:19:55,531 I'm so jealous of the way guys get to (bleep). 458 00:19:55,649 --> 00:19:57,316 It looks so fun. 459 00:19:57,368 --> 00:19:59,318 And not just 'cause you get to spread your Funfetti wherever 460 00:19:59,370 --> 00:20:02,321 you want, just, like Oprah's big giveaway. 461 00:20:02,373 --> 00:20:05,875 You get a car, you get a car. 462 00:20:05,959 --> 00:20:07,293 Just like, "Ghostbusters". 463 00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:09,879 Ugh. 464 00:20:09,963 --> 00:20:12,165 But guys, they're so satisfied, so tired. 465 00:20:12,216 --> 00:20:17,053 They're just like, "Unh, (bleep)." 466 00:20:17,137 --> 00:20:18,704 It's like they were in a car accident. 467 00:20:18,756 --> 00:20:24,894 "Did you see that guy? Came outta nowhere. 468 00:20:24,978 --> 00:20:26,012 Are you all right? You seem all right. 469 00:20:26,063 --> 00:20:29,148 Did you get his plates?" 470 00:20:29,233 --> 00:20:32,235 Then they sleep for nine, 10 hours. 471 00:20:32,319 --> 00:20:33,986 We're not like that. 472 00:20:34,054 --> 00:20:36,272 I need more recovery time after a sneeze than an orgasm. 473 00:20:36,356 --> 00:20:37,323 Just... 474 00:20:39,893 --> 00:20:41,360 - Little kiss? - Why? 475 00:20:41,412 --> 00:20:44,113 - I am, no, I am gay, but, uh-- - But what? 476 00:20:44,198 --> 00:20:46,833 No. Can we just try, just to see what's up? 477 00:20:46,900 --> 00:20:49,869 Yeah, you know-- 478 00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:58,521 Mmm, magic. 479 00:21:00,046 --> 00:21:05,046 Sync && corrections by XhmikosR www.addic7ed.com 480 00:21:05,096 --> 00:21:09,646 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 35326

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.