Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,201 --> 00:00:03,703
Okay everyone, thanks for
participating in this focus group.
2
00:00:03,770 --> 00:00:05,238
I'm going to be asking you some
questions about the show
3
00:00:05,289 --> 00:00:08,958
"Inside Amy Schumer",
everyone understand?
4
00:00:09,076 --> 00:00:11,744
Okay. So first question,
what do you think
5
00:00:11,795 --> 00:00:14,163
the balance between the
sketches and the stand-up?
6
00:00:14,248 --> 00:00:15,465
- Ooh!
- Bronco?
7
00:00:15,549 --> 00:00:17,967
Yeah, I thought her
tits were great.
8
00:00:18,052 --> 00:00:19,969
Like, really good tits.
9
00:00:20,054 --> 00:00:22,288
But her face was just okay.
10
00:00:22,339 --> 00:00:24,407
Just so-so face, man.
11
00:00:24,491 --> 00:00:26,074
So-so face, okay.
12
00:00:26,299 --> 00:00:29,499
How about the balance between
stand-up and sketches?
13
00:00:29,524 --> 00:00:30,809
- Dave, you have a thought?
- Yeah.
14
00:00:30,810 --> 00:00:32,777
Um, she looked better
in the stand-up, for sure,
15
00:00:32,845 --> 00:00:36,948
but then there was just way,
way hotter chicks in the skits.
16
00:00:37,016 --> 00:00:40,035
So it was really hard
for me to say...
17
00:00:40,119 --> 00:00:44,072
And also, I like the skits
better when you saw sideboob,
18
00:00:44,156 --> 00:00:46,691
kind of, but not
the close-ups of face.
19
00:00:46,742 --> 00:00:49,411
Like, way less face,
but more sideboob.
20
00:00:49,495 --> 00:00:51,663
- That's what I would say.
- Okay.
21
00:00:51,714 --> 00:00:54,132
Is this something you guys
could see yourselves DVRing?
22
00:00:54,199 --> 00:00:56,480
I would probably bang her,
if that's what you mean?
23
00:00:56,535 --> 00:00:58,253
Seriously, dude?
24
00:00:58,337 --> 00:00:59,754
Yeah.
25
00:00:59,839 --> 00:01:01,089
- You wouldn't bang her?
- I don't know.
26
00:01:01,173 --> 00:01:02,494
Is it crazy that
I would bang her?
27
00:01:02,508 --> 00:01:03,975
Dude, yes, you would.
28
00:01:04,043 --> 00:01:06,044
Like, if no one had
to find out ever.
29
00:01:06,095 --> 00:01:08,680
- Like, you just bang her--
- If nobody finds out?
30
00:01:08,731 --> 00:01:10,731
- Just bang, dude.
- Then I'm banging her.
31
00:01:10,733 --> 00:01:12,233
I would, yeah.
32
00:01:12,318 --> 00:01:14,402
Okay, so everyone would
bang her if nobody knew.
33
00:01:14,487 --> 00:01:16,220
- If nobody knew.
- I'd like to bang her.
34
00:01:16,272 --> 00:01:18,073
Like to bang her.
35
00:01:18,157 --> 00:01:19,637
Great, this is awesome, guys.
36
00:01:22,111 --> 00:01:24,195
- Okay, sure, go ahead.
- Are the writers hot?
37
00:01:24,246 --> 00:01:26,581
If I could interject, I liked
the routines where she was on
38
00:01:26,699 --> 00:01:30,568
the street talking to people and
I appreciated how it had a sort
39
00:01:30,619 --> 00:01:32,587
of feminist bend on
a male-skewing network.
40
00:01:32,672 --> 00:01:34,572
Okay, great.
41
00:01:34,623 --> 00:01:36,574
But I must say, I would
enjoy the routines more
42
00:01:36,625 --> 00:01:40,011
if she had like
a 10% better dumper?
43
00:01:40,079 --> 00:01:42,714
- Thank you.
- Yes.
44
00:01:42,765 --> 00:01:44,916
- Downstairs better?
- Yeah.
45
00:01:44,967 --> 00:01:46,768
- Okay, everyone agrees with that, right?
- Yes, absolutely.
46
00:01:46,852 --> 00:01:49,013
It's just gotta be
a better turtle part, man.
47
00:01:49,021 --> 00:01:50,605
Okay, last question.
48
00:01:50,690 --> 00:01:54,025
On a scale of one to 10, how
funny was "Inside Amy Schumer?"
49
00:01:54,093 --> 00:01:56,928
You can write your answers on
the cards in front of you.
50
00:02:00,066 --> 00:02:01,533
1 to 10 guys.
51
00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:03,234
Everyone ready?
52
00:02:03,285 --> 00:02:05,653
Okay, everyone show your cards.
53
00:02:10,459 --> 00:02:13,211
Okay, so... okay, great.
54
00:02:13,278 --> 00:02:15,947
Um, going to give your
input to the network and uh,
55
00:02:15,998 --> 00:02:18,817
here's your payment.
56
00:02:19,284 --> 00:02:21,553
Beef sticks and energy drinks.
57
00:02:21,620 --> 00:02:24,089
Oh!
58
00:02:34,734 --> 00:02:38,019
Couple of 'em said
they would bang me?
59
00:02:45,790 --> 00:02:50,792
Sync && corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
60
00:02:51,133 --> 00:02:53,535
It's so hard for girls,
like, your self-esteem,
61
00:02:53,602 --> 00:02:55,270
I just feel like
it's up and down.
62
00:02:55,338 --> 00:02:58,239
Some days I wake up and
I'm just like, yes, bitch.
63
00:02:58,324 --> 00:03:03,611
I'm like, my pussy's
(bleep) magic.
64
00:03:03,696 --> 00:03:05,196
Then other days I wake up like,
65
00:03:05,247 --> 00:03:09,584
I can't believe anyone's
ever (bleep) me.
66
00:03:09,669 --> 00:03:13,588
Like, Ursula from
"The Little Mermaid."
67
00:03:13,673 --> 00:03:14,956
Shooting ink at people.
68
00:03:15,041 --> 00:03:16,541
Like, tentacles.
69
00:03:16,592 --> 00:03:18,593
Just... do you think
that was hot?
70
00:03:18,678 --> 00:03:22,080
Is it just like a sea of
boners out there right now?
71
00:03:22,131 --> 00:03:23,715
Bone, boneyard.
72
00:03:27,086 --> 00:03:29,253
Shrimpy been prawn...
73
00:03:35,478 --> 00:03:37,362
Hey butthole, what' up?
74
00:03:37,429 --> 00:03:40,264
Girl, did Bobby Skeltis ever end
up letting have sex with him?
75
00:03:40,366 --> 00:03:41,983
Why? No.
76
00:03:42,068 --> 00:03:43,467
Okay good, Laura just
told me he has herpes.
77
00:03:43,486 --> 00:03:44,903
So.
78
00:03:44,954 --> 00:03:46,538
Oh.
79
00:03:46,605 --> 00:03:49,991
Well, no, that is a big relief
because no, I did not.
80
00:03:50,016 --> 00:03:52,116
Ok, no.
I just wanted to let you know.
81
00:03:52,244 --> 00:03:53,628
Oh my God, oh no, no, no!
82
00:03:53,713 --> 00:03:56,131
My God, no!
83
00:03:56,215 --> 00:03:58,967
Please, God, let me not
have herpes, please!
84
00:04:02,171 --> 00:04:04,539
We, well, well.
85
00:04:04,590 --> 00:04:05,974
Look who it is.
86
00:04:06,041 --> 00:04:07,642
God?
87
00:04:07,709 --> 00:04:10,678
Do you remember when the last
time I heard from you was?
88
00:04:10,730 --> 00:04:13,398
It was probably pretty recently
when my friend Tig got cancer.
89
00:04:13,482 --> 00:04:15,066
Pretty sure I reached out then.
90
00:04:15,151 --> 00:04:18,019
No, it was seven years ago
when you were rooting for
91
00:04:18,070 --> 00:04:20,905
the Green Knight
at Medieval Times.
92
00:04:20,990 --> 00:04:22,557
Oh.
93
00:04:22,608 --> 00:04:24,492
Well, God, thank you so much
for coming through for me
94
00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:25,994
- that night.
- You're welcome.
95
00:04:26,061 --> 00:04:28,663
This guy, Bobby Skeltis,
that you slept with?
96
00:04:28,730 --> 00:04:30,331
What are you doing?
97
00:04:30,399 --> 00:04:32,200
I know, ow.
98
00:04:32,251 --> 00:04:33,668
I can do so ch better,
you're right.
99
00:04:33,735 --> 00:04:36,104
I didn't say that.
100
00:04:36,255 --> 00:04:37,622
Oh.
101
00:04:37,673 --> 00:04:41,709
You know, 70% of people
who reach out to me
102
00:04:41,761 --> 00:04:45,380
are having a herpes scare.
103
00:04:45,431 --> 00:04:48,749
- Why should I help you?
- Okay.
104
00:04:48,801 --> 00:04:49,968
- That's a fair question.
- Yeah.
105
00:04:50,052 --> 00:04:51,269
Okay.
106
00:04:51,271 --> 00:04:53,721
Um, so I'm kind,
a public figure now.
107
00:04:53,773 --> 00:04:55,723
Like a role model?
108
00:04:55,775 --> 00:04:59,277
So if some young girl saw me
buying Valtrex or something,
109
00:04:59,361 --> 00:05:01,446
- it would be like, a thing.
- Right.
110
00:05:01,564 --> 00:05:03,931
A thing, hmm.
111
00:05:03,983 --> 00:05:07,702
Like that earthquake in Peru
yesterday that killed 9,000 people.
112
00:05:07,769 --> 00:05:09,537
Oh my God, I hope
no one was hurt.
113
00:05:09,605 --> 00:05:11,623
Oh, gosh.
114
00:05:11,707 --> 00:05:15,243
I really need to stop
making so many white girls.
115
00:05:15,294 --> 00:05:18,379
Let me be honest with you, okay?
116
00:05:18,447 --> 00:05:20,582
You did get herpes,
you already have it.
117
00:05:20,633 --> 00:05:23,001
- No!
- Yes.
118
00:05:23,085 --> 00:05:25,670
For me to undo your herpes,
119
00:05:25,754 --> 00:05:29,557
I have to create balance in
the universe, you understand?
120
00:05:29,625 --> 00:05:31,226
Totally.
121
00:05:31,260 --> 00:05:35,396
I'd have to kill off an entire
village in Uzbekistan.
122
00:05:35,464 --> 00:05:37,065
Yeah, whatever
you think is best.
123
00:05:37,090 --> 00:05:37,931
Do it.
124
00:05:37,932 --> 00:05:40,185
You'll also have
to sacrifice something.
125
00:05:40,269 --> 00:05:43,071
- Oh my God, name it.
- Okay.
126
00:05:43,138 --> 00:05:45,573
- You need to stop drinking.
- Pass.
127
00:05:45,641 --> 00:05:47,325
How about stop using hair spray?
128
00:05:47,409 --> 00:05:49,477
The aerosol is very bad
for the environment.
129
00:05:49,528 --> 00:05:50,978
Could I just like, blow you?
130
00:05:51,030 --> 00:05:53,414
I'm gay.
131
00:05:53,482 --> 00:05:55,116
- So?
- Jesus Christ.
132
00:05:55,167 --> 00:05:58,670
How about you just call your
mother a little bit more often?
133
00:05:58,754 --> 00:06:00,505
That's an easy one.
134
00:06:00,589 --> 00:06:04,492
Mmm... what is
herpes exactly?
135
00:06:04,543 --> 00:06:06,511
It's an outbreak,
like, once a year?
136
00:06:06,629 --> 00:06:08,429
- Yeah.
- I don't know....
137
00:06:08,497 --> 00:06:09,977
- I think I'll just take it.
- Okay, fine.
138
00:06:10,015 --> 00:06:12,634
Fine, herpes it is.
139
00:06:12,768 --> 00:06:15,353
Now don't forget to call all
the men that you've slept with.
140
00:06:15,471 --> 00:06:17,004
It's the moral
thing to do, right?
141
00:06:17,056 --> 00:06:18,973
Oh my God, of course.
142
00:06:19,024 --> 00:06:21,309
Duh.
143
00:06:26,031 --> 00:06:28,032
- Amy.
- Mmm!
144
00:06:28,100 --> 00:06:29,367
I can see everything.
145
00:06:29,434 --> 00:06:31,069
What? Oh now?
146
00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:32,987
- You want me to do it now?
- Yes!
147
00:06:33,072 --> 00:06:34,539
Okay, well, you weren't
clear about that.
148
00:06:34,606 --> 00:06:36,207
- I'll do it right now.
- Sorry.
149
00:06:36,275 --> 00:06:39,043
I'm sorry, I'll do it now.
150
00:06:43,898 --> 00:06:46,117
Boopoop boop.
151
00:06:46,168 --> 00:06:48,586
Boop boop...
152
00:06:51,223 --> 00:06:55,110
Jeans into jean shorts
153
00:06:55,427 --> 00:06:57,011
What?
154
00:06:57,013 --> 00:06:59,430
I'm sorry you change seasons
and now I need jean shorts.
155
00:06:59,481 --> 00:07:01,632
- This one's on you.
- Just call them.
156
00:07:01,684 --> 00:07:03,768
No!
157
00:07:06,138 --> 00:07:08,356
Fine, I'll do it.
158
00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:10,441
Gimme the phone.
159
00:07:10,492 --> 00:07:14,162
Unbelievable.
160
00:07:16,665 --> 00:07:19,784
Hi, Mike, it's Amy.
161
00:07:19,835 --> 00:07:23,087
- Schumer.
- I don't talk like that.
162
00:07:23,155 --> 00:07:25,156
Uh, yeah, we met on
Christmas at the
163
00:07:25,257 --> 00:07:28,710
Boston Market and had
sex after two beers?
164
00:07:28,794 --> 00:07:30,094
Yeah.
165
00:07:30,179 --> 00:07:31,659
You have herpes
because I have herpes.
166
00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:34,332
Byeee!
167
00:07:34,383 --> 00:07:36,267
Did he sound like he was at
all psyched to hear from me,
168
00:07:36,335 --> 00:07:40,772
- like what was his vibe?
- You're the (bleep) worst.
169
00:07:44,843 --> 00:07:47,862
- Wow.
- Oh, no?
170
00:07:50,950 --> 00:07:52,367
You ever had a herpes scare?
171
00:07:52,451 --> 00:07:54,235
- Once, yes.
- What happened?
172
00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:55,787
Um, staph infection.
173
00:07:55,854 --> 00:07:58,122
- Thank God!
- I know, right?
174
00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:00,358
You ever had an STD scare?
175
00:08:00,409 --> 00:08:02,460
STD scare, no.
176
00:08:02,527 --> 00:08:05,162
- Wow, good job.
- Wrap that (bleep) up.
177
00:08:05,164 --> 00:08:06,884
That's a penis and this
was a condom, right?
178
00:08:14,309 --> 00:08:17,809
Your wedding day... Memories
that will last a lifetime.
179
00:08:17,834 --> 00:08:21,234
And you deserve to have those memories
captured by a true professional.
180
00:08:21,259 --> 00:08:25,759
Not ruined by some ** who
can't ** different skin tone.
181
00:08:25,804 --> 00:08:27,771
Click! Hi, I'm
Martin Daniels,
182
00:08:27,839 --> 00:08:29,940
Interracial Wedding
Photographer.
183
00:08:30,008 --> 00:08:33,176
I'll make sure your wildly
mismatched skin pigments
184
00:08:33,228 --> 00:08:36,613
don't stand in the way of
a flawless wedding portrait.
185
00:08:36,681 --> 00:08:38,348
Presto!
186
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:39,867
My work speaks for itself.
187
00:08:39,901 --> 00:08:42,786
I photographed literally
dozen of satisfied couple
188
00:08:42,854 --> 00:08:44,655
like these two here.
189
00:08:44,706 --> 00:08:47,291
Wendy is Asian and Josh is,
guess what, a Jew.
190
00:08:47,358 --> 00:08:48,575
Real original, Josh.
191
00:08:48,660 --> 00:08:50,461
Click.
192
00:08:50,528 --> 00:08:52,809
My two separate but equal light
meters allow me to capture
193
00:08:52,864 --> 00:08:56,199
the pastiest whites
and the darkiest darks.
194
00:08:56,251 --> 00:08:58,135
Even though your union doesn't
look right through the Lord's
195
00:08:58,202 --> 00:09:00,162
eyes, I'll still
take the picture.
196
00:09:00,171 --> 00:09:01,722
Who am I, jury duty?
197
00:09:01,724 --> 00:09:04,558
And my specialized editing
software lets me disguise
198
00:09:04,675 --> 00:09:07,177
the disapproving looks
from your relatives.
199
00:09:07,228 --> 00:09:08,879
Can I do Persian
and black? Yes!
200
00:09:08,930 --> 00:09:11,148
Jewish and Namibian?
Yes!
201
00:09:11,215 --> 00:09:13,851
Irish and indecipherable?
Why not?
202
00:09:13,902 --> 00:09:15,152
Korean and Mexican?
203
00:09:15,219 --> 00:09:16,887
No.
204
00:09:16,938 --> 00:09:19,189
No you have to draw
the line somewhere.
205
00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:20,724
Will I photograph
same race couples?
206
00:09:20,775 --> 00:09:22,493
Gladly.
207
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:25,746
I offer a 30% Stick With
Your Own Kind discount, click.
208
00:09:25,830 --> 00:09:28,231
But if you insist on saying,
"I do" to someone who grew up
209
00:09:28,283 --> 00:09:30,723
in a house that smelled
different than your house,
210
00:09:30,735 --> 00:09:33,253
you can count on me,
Martin Daniels,
211
00:09:33,338 --> 00:09:35,839
Interracial Wedding
Photographer.
212
00:09:35,907 --> 00:09:37,408
What the (bleep) you just say?
213
00:09:40,178 --> 00:09:42,146
You ever hook up
with a black guy?
214
00:09:42,213 --> 00:09:43,731
Half-black,
half-Puerto Rican once.
215
00:09:43,815 --> 00:09:45,149
We are accepting
that, yes, thank you.
216
00:09:45,216 --> 00:09:46,600
Excellent, I've been wondering
217
00:09:46,685 --> 00:09:48,051
Was it cool or what?
218
00:09:48,103 --> 00:09:49,486
I think I enjoyed it, yeah.
219
00:09:49,554 --> 00:09:51,555
That is the perfect way to
describe every sexual
220
00:09:51,606 --> 00:09:52,656
encounter I've ever had.
221
00:09:52,741 --> 00:09:54,108
I think enjoyed it, but..
222
00:09:54,192 --> 00:09:56,393
You ever date a black guy?
223
00:09:56,444 --> 00:09:58,495
I never dated a black guy.
224
00:09:58,530 --> 00:10:00,698
You are the best.
225
00:10:06,021 --> 00:10:08,088
Unh!
226
00:10:08,106 --> 00:10:10,146
Bridget Everett is just three
points away from winning
227
00:10:10,174 --> 00:10:12,243
her fourth Grand Slam.
228
00:10:12,310 --> 00:10:13,977
Remarkably, she has not allowed
Schumerenka a single game in
229
00:10:14,029 --> 00:10:16,146
this match and yet,
I can't take my eyes off
230
00:10:16,198 --> 00:10:18,115
of Schumerenka's unique
style on the court.
231
00:10:18,166 --> 00:10:19,700
I agree, Patrick.
232
00:10:19,784 --> 00:10:24,955
Schumerenka has a charisma on the
court that just pulls you in.
233
00:10:26,841 --> 00:10:28,425
Out.
234
00:10:28,493 --> 00:10:30,453
I think one reason why
Schumerenka having such
235
00:10:30,495 --> 00:10:32,046
a difficult time in this
match is the distraction
236
00:10:32,130 --> 00:10:34,131
factor of Evett's grunting.
237
00:10:34,182 --> 00:10:35,933
Oh, God, it's disgusting,
they should really ban it.
238
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,302
Whoo!
239
00:10:38,353 --> 00:10:39,937
Ah
240
00:10:40,004 --> 00:10:41,472
Unh.
241
00:10:41,523 --> 00:10:43,173
Out.
242
00:10:43,225 --> 00:10:46,193
Heaving and sweating like a
Clysdale, Everett makes the shot.
243
00:10:46,278 --> 00:10:47,978
Let's take a look at
the instant replay.
244
00:10:48,029 --> 00:10:50,397
Unh.
245
00:10:54,686 --> 00:10:56,453
So amazing.
246
00:10:56,538 --> 00:10:59,373
I think the most incredible part
of Schumerenka's game is how she
247
00:10:59,457 --> 00:11:02,660
manages to be so thin and yet,
still have such large breasts.
248
00:11:02,711 --> 00:11:04,128
Absolutely, it's just
such a turn-on
249
00:11:04,195 --> 00:11:06,213
to see tennis play with
this level of integrity.
250
00:11:06,298 --> 00:11:10,134
Amy's friends and family
obviously agree.
251
00:11:10,585 --> 00:11:13,504
Schumerenka's sponsor
is Herpsky premium vodka.
252
00:11:20,812 --> 00:11:22,930
As usual, Everett's friend
and old math teacher
253
00:11:23,014 --> 00:11:24,982
is there to cheer her on.
254
00:11:25,049 --> 00:11:28,435
Got her a nice seat in her VIP
box, sponsored by Ground Beef.
255
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,321
Is what she's doing
technically cheering her on?
256
00:11:30,388 --> 00:11:32,523
It looks like she's just
eating snacks from home.
257
00:11:32,574 --> 00:11:35,943
Schumerenka seems to be trying
to take a moment to refocus.
258
00:11:36,027 --> 00:11:38,228
This is one of those key moments
where she definitely needs to
259
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,564
take her time and not rush.
260
00:11:40,615 --> 00:11:43,167
- Yeah, don't rush that.
- Whoo.
261
00:11:43,234 --> 00:11:45,419
Bridget doesn't seem to like the
delay in the game and as usual,
262
00:11:45,503 --> 00:11:48,455
she has to try to control her
infamous attitude problem.
263
00:11:48,540 --> 00:11:51,241
It's unattractive and also
she's (bleep) ****.
264
00:11:51,293 --> 00:11:53,910
Unh!
265
00:11:53,962 --> 00:11:55,095
Unh!
266
00:11:55,213 --> 00:11:56,964
Uh!
267
00:11:57,081 --> 00:11:58,849
No good, it's over.
268
00:11:58,933 --> 00:12:00,517
Yes! Yes!
269
00:12:00,585 --> 00:12:02,469
Well, Evert wins the
East Coast International
270
00:12:02,554 --> 00:12:04,054
for the fourth time
in straight sets.
271
00:12:04,105 --> 00:12:05,472
Hope she's happy.
272
00:12:05,557 --> 00:12:06,857
Let's go courtside for
the awards ceremony.
273
00:12:06,924 --> 00:12:08,642
Bridget, you won.
274
00:12:08,727 --> 00:12:12,279
Here's your cup and
a million dollars.
275
00:12:13,431 --> 00:12:15,232
Thanks, Katrina.
276
00:12:15,283 --> 00:12:18,068
- Really fought hard out there--
- Amy, you lost.
277
00:12:18,119 --> 00:12:21,238
But you were so gorgeous
throughout the entire match
278
00:12:21,289 --> 00:12:22,740
that it's almost like you won.
279
00:12:22,791 --> 00:12:24,875
Does that make sense?
What's your secret?
280
00:12:24,959 --> 00:12:26,994
Um.
281
00:12:27,078 --> 00:12:28,545
I love this country.
282
00:12:28,613 --> 00:12:30,547
Freedom.
283
00:12:30,615 --> 00:12:33,050
Amy, I'm being told
the crowd has chipped in.
284
00:12:33,117 --> 00:12:38,138
You will now be walking
away with $2 million!
285
00:12:40,592 --> 00:12:41,625
America!
286
00:12:41,676 --> 00:12:44,094
I love you...
thank you!
287
00:12:44,145 --> 00:12:47,064
Oh, thank you, my country!
288
00:12:47,182 --> 00:12:52,353
Thank you! America!
289
00:12:52,437 --> 00:12:53,821
Ah!
290
00:12:53,905 --> 00:12:55,572
I won... I won.
291
00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:59,109
Amy! Amy! Amy!
292
00:13:01,479 --> 00:13:03,196
These are for you take them.
293
00:13:03,248 --> 00:13:04,948
I don't need them anymore.
294
00:13:04,999 --> 00:13:06,333
I love you, America.
295
00:13:06,418 --> 00:13:07,984
Take them.
296
00:13:08,036 --> 00:13:10,087
Amy Schumerenka, a true champion.
297
00:13:10,154 --> 00:13:11,422
Great for tennis.
298
00:13:11,489 --> 00:13:12,850
- I would (beep) her.
- Oh, me too.
299
00:13:15,677 --> 00:13:17,109
Who do you think is the
hottest female athlete?
300
00:13:17,128 --> 00:13:18,578
Anna Kournikova?
301
00:13:18,630 --> 00:13:19,713
- Yeah?
- Yeah, not too bad.
302
00:13:19,764 --> 00:13:22,182
Uh, is she good at tennis?
303
00:13:22,250 --> 00:13:24,134
Mildly.
304
00:13:24,219 --> 00:13:25,803
- But it doesn't matter.
- No, doesn't.
305
00:13:25,887 --> 00:13:27,354
- You'd still rather watch her play.
- Yeah.
306
00:13:27,422 --> 00:13:29,390
Who do you think is the
hottest female athlete?
307
00:13:29,441 --> 00:13:31,361
Is there really any hot
female athlete out there?
308
00:13:31,426 --> 00:13:32,943
They're a little
butchy, all of them.
309
00:13:33,027 --> 00:13:34,778
Well, I'm a little butchy
and I get laid.
310
00:13:34,863 --> 00:13:36,530
Who do you think is the
hottest female athlete?
311
00:13:36,614 --> 00:13:38,649
And you can't say me.
312
00:13:38,733 --> 00:13:40,067
- You're not an athlete.
- What?
313
00:13:40,118 --> 00:13:41,935
Feel how heavy this is.
314
00:13:41,986 --> 00:13:42,986
It's like a Shake Weight.
315
00:13:42,987 --> 00:13:44,204
This is like a Shake Weight.
316
00:13:44,289 --> 00:13:46,407
Stop having better jokes
than me on my TV show.
317
00:14:03,057 --> 00:14:05,298
Oh, good morning, Mr. Blake,
I'm Amy, your new secretary.
318
00:14:05,310 --> 00:14:06,977
Hello, Amy, good to meet you.
319
00:14:07,044 --> 00:14:08,595
Say, I'm very busy today
so I like you to make sure
320
00:14:08,746 --> 00:14:10,264
that I'm not disturbed.
321
00:14:10,348 --> 00:14:12,028
No one, but no one,
is to go into my office
322
00:14:12,066 --> 00:14:13,100
without an appointment, got it?
323
00:14:13,184 --> 00:14:15,402
- Yes, sir.
- Thanks, doll.
324
00:14:20,525 --> 00:14:22,726
- I need to see Mr. Blake immediately!
- Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
325
00:14:22,727 --> 00:14:24,445
- He's busy right now.
- Well, this can't wait.
326
00:14:24,529 --> 00:14:26,196
No, no, you can't go in there!
327
00:14:26,247 --> 00:14:27,998
Blake! Completely unacceptable!
328
00:14:28,065 --> 00:14:29,783
Third time this month!
329
00:14:29,785 --> 00:14:31,585
I'm sorry, Mr. Blake, I told
him he can't come in here!
330
00:14:31,669 --> 00:14:33,504
All right, Amy,
have a seat, Bill.
331
00:14:33,571 --> 00:14:36,957
For the love of God.
332
00:14:37,041 --> 00:14:39,626
This is--
333
00:14:46,768 --> 00:14:50,137
- Damn it, Amy, what happened there?
- I'm sorry, sir.
334
00:14:50,221 --> 00:14:52,189
I told him he couldn't go in there.
Okay.
335
00:14:52,256 --> 00:14:54,024
Well, I really need you to put
some oomph into it, kiddo.
336
00:14:54,091 --> 00:14:56,977
- Okay.
- All right.
337
00:15:00,198 --> 00:15:01,949
This is an abomination,
I need to see Mr. Blake.
338
00:15:02,033 --> 00:15:03,473
No, you can't go in there!
339
00:15:03,568 --> 00:15:06,403
The hell I can!
340
00:15:06,454 --> 00:15:08,372
Blake, I've had it up to here!
341
00:15:08,439 --> 00:15:10,720
I'm sorry, Mr. Blake, I told
he can't come in here!
342
00:15:10,775 --> 00:15:12,910
Jesus Christ, Amy.
343
00:15:12,961 --> 00:15:14,778
Ed, did she say you
couldn't come in here?
344
00:15:14,879 --> 00:15:16,497
- Yes, she did.
- Well, how did she say?
345
00:15:16,581 --> 00:15:18,499
Uh, "You can't go in there."
346
00:15:18,583 --> 00:15:20,450
Okay, that's pretty good.
347
00:15:20,502 --> 00:15:22,970
But the way she said it, it
felt like I could go in there.
348
00:15:23,054 --> 00:15:24,471
Mm-hmm.
349
00:15:24,556 --> 00:15:26,957
Amy, there are thousands
of women who'd kill for the
350
00:15:27,008 --> 00:15:28,959
opportunity to tell people they
can't come into my office.
351
00:15:29,010 --> 00:15:30,978
I know, I'm sorry, sir,
I'll work on it.
352
00:15:31,062 --> 00:15:34,348
Mm-hmm, all right,
have a seat, Ed.
353
00:15:39,771 --> 00:15:42,272
You can't go in there...
you can't go in there.
354
00:15:42,323 --> 00:15:43,440
You can't go in there.
355
00:15:43,491 --> 00:15:44,691
I have to see Mr. Blake!
356
00:15:44,776 --> 00:15:46,142
No, no, you can't in there!
357
00:15:46,194 --> 00:15:47,444
Oh.
358
00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:49,530
Okay, thank you.
359
00:15:49,581 --> 00:15:52,366
I'll wait.
360
00:15:52,450 --> 00:15:54,117
Oh.
361
00:15:54,168 --> 00:15:56,003
We, I'm sorry I yelled,
I have to say that.
362
00:15:56,087 --> 00:15:58,989
No, I respect the
American secretary.
363
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:01,008
I'm not an animal.
364
00:16:01,092 --> 00:16:02,659
Sir, thank you.
365
00:16:02,710 --> 00:16:04,962
Today's been so
difficult for me and--
366
00:16:05,013 --> 00:16:06,597
Say! Is someone
going in there?
367
00:16:06,664 --> 00:16:08,849
- Where?
- Come on, everyone!
368
00:16:08,967 --> 00:16:10,216
What? No!
369
00:16:10,268 --> 00:16:11,635
No, you can't go in there!
370
00:16:11,686 --> 00:16:13,103
You can't go in there!
You can't go in there!
371
00:16:13,170 --> 00:16:14,521
You, you can't go in there!
372
00:16:14,606 --> 00:16:15,522
You can't go in there!
You can't go in there!
373
00:16:15,607 --> 00:16:17,357
You can't go in there!
374
00:16:17,442 --> 00:16:19,026
You can't-- Oh, gosh,
I'm dreadful at this.
375
00:16:19,110 --> 00:16:20,027
How did you guys get in here?
376
00:16:20,111 --> 00:16:22,362
Amy!
377
00:16:25,817 --> 00:16:28,652
Look, Amy, you're a woman
and you can only focus
378
00:16:28,703 --> 00:16:30,954
on one thing at
a time, I get that.
379
00:16:31,022 --> 00:16:32,456
That's why I gave you
just the one task.
380
00:16:32,523 --> 00:16:34,491
In fact, what are
you even doing typing?
381
00:16:34,542 --> 00:16:37,044
Look, you need to start doing
your job or I'm going to find
382
00:16:37,128 --> 00:16:38,629
someone who can do your job.
383
00:16:44,218 --> 00:16:47,254
Well, hello, I'm here
to see Mr. Blake.
384
00:16:47,338 --> 00:16:52,593
You can't go in there!
385
00:16:54,378 --> 00:16:55,562
Oh!
386
00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:58,682
Ooh! Ow!
387
00:16:58,733 --> 00:17:01,268
Oh!
388
00:17:14,565 --> 00:17:17,618
I'm sorry, your call cannotbe completed as dialed.
389
00:17:17,702 --> 00:17:21,171
You! Can't!
Go! In! There!
390
00:17:21,238 --> 00:17:22,839
Amy.
391
00:17:22,907 --> 00:17:25,542
Did my 11:30get here yet?
392
00:17:28,963 --> 00:17:31,482
Mr. Blake will see you now.
393
00:17:31,933 --> 00:17:34,885
Stand up, stand up
394
00:17:34,936 --> 00:17:37,087
And be proud let someone in
395
00:17:37,138 --> 00:17:38,605
Let someone in
396
00:17:38,690 --> 00:17:42,959
Go get the coffee now
397
00:17:46,884 --> 00:17:49,984
- So, Gabe, you edit and produce porn.
- Yeah.
398
00:17:50,009 --> 00:17:52,009
How did you get started
working in porn?
399
00:17:52,034 --> 00:17:53,610
My friend told me, "If
you wanna work on TV,
400
00:17:53,611 --> 00:17:55,612
find a production studio that
makes something you love."
401
00:17:55,696 --> 00:17:58,698
So I was like, let me find a porn
studio that makes something I love.
402
00:17:58,749 --> 00:18:00,900
What's the name of
the last porn you shot?
403
00:18:00,951 --> 00:18:02,952
Um, it is called
"(Bleep)more."
404
00:18:03,037 --> 00:18:05,788
It's...
405
00:18:05,873 --> 00:18:07,406
- Is this about me?
- It's not.
406
00:18:07,458 --> 00:18:08,908
We can Photoshop your
face on the cover--
407
00:18:08,959 --> 00:18:10,593
I'd appreciate that.
408
00:18:10,678 --> 00:18:12,262
What's your favorite
scene you've ever shot?
409
00:18:12,346 --> 00:18:14,866
The thing I'm most proud of is
a double penetration shot we,
410
00:18:14,915 --> 00:18:16,675
- we got away with.
- What's that?
411
00:18:16,717 --> 00:18:18,117
- I'm just kidding.
- Oh, man, okay.
412
00:18:18,185 --> 00:18:19,302
'Cause I could tell you.
413
00:18:19,386 --> 00:18:21,387
No...
Would you ever do it?
414
00:18:21,438 --> 00:18:23,106
- Oh no, no, God, no.
- Why?
415
00:18:23,190 --> 00:18:24,641
I don't know if I got
the body for that.
416
00:18:24,692 --> 00:18:25,892
- Like--
- Come on!
417
00:18:25,943 --> 00:18:28,027
- could work it, but like, not--
- Girl.
418
00:18:28,112 --> 00:18:31,614
Is it more important to have
a good body or a huge (bleep)?
419
00:18:31,699 --> 00:18:33,399
We've gotten some older guys
with like, craggy faces and
420
00:18:33,450 --> 00:18:35,618
like, really saggy, but
then they have these like,
421
00:18:35,703 --> 00:18:37,320
- giant 11-inch dicks.
- Giant dongs.
422
00:18:37,404 --> 00:18:39,271
- What do you do?
- It's like a chest-down kind of thing.
423
00:18:39,323 --> 00:18:41,774
So you'll like, pan up to their
face every now and then--
424
00:18:41,875 --> 00:18:43,376
- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- Like, he's a human!
425
00:18:43,443 --> 00:18:44,723
- And then you just go back.
- Right.
426
00:18:44,778 --> 00:18:46,045
"We promise!
427
00:18:46,113 --> 00:18:47,613
This isn't a centaur."
428
00:18:47,665 --> 00:18:49,666
What if someone's just
like, a really bad actor?
429
00:18:49,750 --> 00:18:50,883
Like, so bad.
430
00:18:50,951 --> 00:18:52,669
Have you ever replaced anyone?
431
00:18:52,753 --> 00:18:55,621
Like, you'd be surprised how many
people don't show up last minute.
432
00:18:55,673 --> 00:18:57,423
So sometimes we'll have like,
backups, that we'll call like,
433
00:18:57,474 --> 00:18:59,291
a half hour before and be like,
"Yo, is your butt clean?
434
00:18:59,343 --> 00:19:01,344
- Come over."
- So cute.
435
00:19:01,428 --> 00:19:04,147
That's how they ask me to get ready
for the show in the morning.
436
00:19:04,297 --> 00:19:05,598
"Schumer, clean your butt."
437
00:19:05,649 --> 00:19:07,600
I'm like,
"I don't wanna!"
438
00:19:07,651 --> 00:19:10,136
What's the worst thing
you've witnessed this year?
439
00:19:10,187 --> 00:19:11,867
Usually what I have
to do is get that like,
440
00:19:11,921 --> 00:19:13,740
- beneath the (bleep) shot.
- Okay.
441
00:19:13,807 --> 00:19:15,247
So it's almost like
you're a tiny ant
442
00:19:15,308 --> 00:19:17,610
- and you're just staring up at...
- That's cute.
443
00:19:17,695 --> 00:19:18,861
What a cute metaphor.
444
00:19:18,946 --> 00:19:21,414
This is getting--
why is this so cute?
445
00:19:21,481 --> 00:19:22,865
I don't know. You've
like a weevil.
446
00:19:22,950 --> 00:19:24,334
You're like, "So I'm
in 'Fraggle Rock'."
447
00:19:24,418 --> 00:19:27,420
- Oh my God.
- So this dude, he like,
448
00:19:27,487 --> 00:19:29,372
um, pulls his (bleep)
just as he's (bleep)--
449
00:19:29,456 --> 00:19:30,873
- You're not like, wearing a poncho--
- No.
450
00:19:30,958 --> 00:19:32,875
- You're not at a Gallagher show.
- No.
451
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,280
And I kid you not, it was
like Niagara Falls.
452
00:19:35,328 --> 00:19:38,848
It was just like, a wave of
like, (bleep) to the face.
453
00:19:38,882 --> 00:19:41,934
- This sounds like the worst case scenario.
- It was really rough.
454
00:19:42,002 --> 00:19:45,271
And it's like, somehow the
grace of whatever God exists,
455
00:19:45,356 --> 00:19:47,056
it missed my mouth.
456
00:19:47,141 --> 00:19:50,610
You are such a glass
half-full type of guy.
457
00:19:53,180 --> 00:19:55,531
I'm so jealous of the
way guys get to (bleep).
458
00:19:55,649 --> 00:19:57,316
It looks so fun.
459
00:19:57,368 --> 00:19:59,318
And not just 'cause you get to
spread your Funfetti wherever
460
00:19:59,370 --> 00:20:02,321
you want, just, like
Oprah's big giveaway.
461
00:20:02,373 --> 00:20:05,875
You get a car, you get a car.
462
00:20:05,959 --> 00:20:07,293
Just like, "Ghostbusters".
463
00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:09,879
Ugh.
464
00:20:09,963 --> 00:20:12,165
But guys, they're so
satisfied, so tired.
465
00:20:12,216 --> 00:20:17,053
They're just like,
"Unh, (bleep)."
466
00:20:17,137 --> 00:20:18,704
It's like they were
in a car accident.
467
00:20:18,756 --> 00:20:24,894
"Did you see that guy?
Came outta nowhere.
468
00:20:24,978 --> 00:20:26,012
Are you all right?
You seem all right.
469
00:20:26,063 --> 00:20:29,148
Did you get his plates?"
470
00:20:29,233 --> 00:20:32,235
Then they sleep for
nine, 10 hours.
471
00:20:32,319 --> 00:20:33,986
We're not like that.
472
00:20:34,054 --> 00:20:36,272
I need more recovery time after
a sneeze than an orgasm.
473
00:20:36,356 --> 00:20:37,323
Just...
474
00:20:39,893 --> 00:20:41,360
- Little kiss?
- Why?
475
00:20:41,412 --> 00:20:44,113
- I am, no, I am gay, but, uh--
- But what?
476
00:20:44,198 --> 00:20:46,833
No. Can we just try,
just to see what's up?
477
00:20:46,900 --> 00:20:49,869
Yeah, you know--
478
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:58,521
Mmm, magic.
479
00:21:00,046 --> 00:21:05,046
Sync && corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
480
00:21:05,096 --> 00:21:09,646
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
35326
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.