Original subtitles

To an awesome night

at Cooper's concert.

Yay. Cheers.

Mm.

Oh, that takes me back.

To what?

Uh, our last HOA meeting.

Oh, I can already tell I'm gonna get into a fight tonight.

Ooh, I'm so excited.

We get full VIP treatment,

- which means free drinks. - Yeah.

And... Oh, my God.

How is it already 8:40?

8:40?

That's practically 9:15!

- Crazy. - No. No.

Not tonight.

We won't let you do that thing where you get tired

and talk yourselves out of going out.

You're right, you're right. I'm sorry.

Okay. Full VIP treatment.

- Backstage. Sold-out concert. - Yeah. Yep!

Yeah, it sounds great!

Yeah.

- But I did just get a new pillow. - Mm-hmm.

And we're going grocery shopping tomorrow, you know?

With all the driving and the parking

and then you forget to validate

and then you got to go back inside.

And they're all like,

"Validation's for customers only."

And you're like, "I was just in here, Janine!"

Yeah, plus,

we got to be fresh tomorrow,

'cause we're meeting with a life insurance agent.

Why do you guys need life insurance?

You're zero risk.

Well, actually,

we have been talking about...

starting a family soon.

Uh...

you're not excited?

We're just tired of getting our hopes up.

You two have been dangling that carrot

in front of us for so long

we've got baby blue balls.

No, I-I mean, we'd love to have kids.

It's just, you know, it's been really crazy at work, you know?

Um, but after tax season, it's gonna be, uh,

"tax that ass" season.

Well, trust us, it's good to get your party days in

before you have kids.

Or someday you will find yourself retired early

and sneaking so much rosé into your cornflakes

you end up hitting on the mailman.

All I said is Jeff has nice calves.

What, now I can't say facts?

I don't want to fight about it.

Hey, guys.

Who's ready to party?

All right.

- Um... - Eh...

So... yeah.

Is it okay if we take a rain check?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, for sure.

I'll hit you up the next time

I've sold out the Forum three nights in a row

and convinced Post Malone to open for me.

Great, man. Sounds good.

Any idea what a Post Malone is?

Uh...

I think it's what you do when you're finished Maloning.

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -

Wow.

All that sleep we got was amaz-z-z-zing. Yeah.

I added a few extra Zs 'cause I caught so many.

Oh.

I know. I tried to wake you up,

and you flipped me off in your sleep.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

I guess Cooper's after-party must've been cray.

Do people still say "cray"?

I think only when they're describing "how a bitch be,"

but...

All right, baby.

Let's take out the trash.

Okay. Yeah, I'll try to wake 'em up.

Um...

Okay. Mommy. Dad.

Can I talk to 'em?

'Scuse me, uh,

Bonnie,

Gerald.

Can you, uh...

All right, folks,

time to get up and get goin', please.

Your house is way more comfortable,

and it's also...

a lot quieter.

Soo!

Okay.

All cards on the table...

Either I dreamt about peeing on your couch

or I peed on your couch.

Oh, hey, buddy.

How was the concert?

Well, I thought it went well, but...

according to this L.A. Times review,

"the venue was full, but the songs were empty."

And then he gave it

four out of five poop emojis.

Why do you care what this reviewer says?

Because.... 'cause I kind of agree with him.

You know, I'm 40 days into my tour,

and I feel like I just sing

the same shallow songs over and over again.

Dude, you're 21.

What are you gonna sing about,

opening a Roth IRA?

Why don't you try writing a song that's more meaningful to you?

Well, I have.

Most of my songs start out sincere.

But then I'd get scared that my fans won't like them,

so I increase the tempo, add a beat,

and then change the word "heart" to "butt."

Huh.

That does explain...

♪ Girl, relax your butt, let my lovin' flow ♪

♪ Entwine your butt with mine, let the lovin' grow. ♪

Claire, I-I knew you could sing,

but you have a really amazing voice.

Oh, come on. I mean, I don't know if that's...

♪ True... ♪

♪ Yeah. ♪

Claire, I'm serious.

Well, uh, you know,

if you want to sing a more personal song,

why don't you test it out at your next concert?

Because fans hate new music at concerts.

Have you ever been booed by thousands of people?

Yes.

At Dodger Stadium,

when I snagged a foul ball from a small man

who turned out to be a kid.

In a wheelchair.

Well, why don't you try doing a smaller, more intimate show?

What, alone?

No-no backup dancers? No pyrotechnics?

Guys, I'll feel naked without my laser tuxedo.

I mean, you could make it a duet,

and then you'll have someone up there with you.

That's actually a great idea.

I can't wait to start changing my lyrics back

from "butt" to "heart."

Oh!

Your latest single was supposed to be "Eat Your HeartOut."

Gosh, I can't believe how healthy and safe you guys are.

You're on track for the lowest

life insurance rate I've ever seen.

So, just a few more questions.

Do you have any pre-existing medical conditions?

Well, I've been told I have too big a heart.

Oh.

You suffer from hypertrophic cardiomyopathy?

No.

No, I was just being cute.

Now, do you have any kids?

Not that I know of.

Wait.

That only works for guys.

Oh. Hey, guys.

Don't mind me. I'm just grabbing a snack.

Which, in this house, are all...

"low in sodium and high in fiber."

How... W...

Was that Cooper James?

Um, does he live here?

Yeah, it's your, uh, standard "millionaire pop star moves in

"with his accountant because he craves

a sense of normalcy" situation.

But-but he could live anywhere.

Why would he choose here?

Is... You're, like...

Well, how do I say this politely?

Immensely boring.

- Okay. - Um...

- We are not boring. - Yeah.

I mean, if you really knew how we were,

I mean, you'd be hitting us with a higher rate.

So you're committing insurance fraud?

- No, no, no, no, no, no. - No, no.

All... No, no. All the... all the answers we gave were true.

- Yeah. - You know?

It just... But they don't paint

the full picture of who we are.

- Like, we're cool. Right? - We're cool.

I mean, Claire, tell her one of our awesome stories.

- Hit her, man. - Oh. Awesome. So,

- yeah, there's, uh, the one ti... um... - Right?

- Get ready. - Oh! Oh.

There was that one time

that we almost committed insurance fraud.

Look, I'm sorry I called you boring.

It's just that

Cooper James is Cooper James.

And, you know, you're...

See, I already forgot your names.

No, but, seriously,

you two don't need life insurance.

You need get-a-life insurance.

You know what, you might want to look into fire insurance, too,

after that sick burn.

Oh, this is fun!

Man, I guess we don't have to try so hard

at being boring, 'cause we just are.

Relax, Claire. That's just the opinion

of someone who evaluates the relative excitement

of people's lives for a living.

Jake, last night, we got invited to a concert

by the biggest pop star in music.

And, instead, we stayed home

and ranked the months of the year.

Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right.

I, uh, guess we have gotten into a bad habit

of saying no to adventure.

Great news, guys.

I took your advice, and, as of tonight,

I'm doing a small show at the Troubadour.

- Oh, that's awesome, man. - Yeah.

Yeah, I'm doing a duet with Laurel Tyson.

- What? - Huh?

The lead singer of Human Disco.

- Uh... - Come again?

They had that hit song, "Loser Police."

- Uh... - Uh...

That they used in that Nespresso commercial.

- Oh! - Oh!

Yeah!

- I love that song. - That is such a good s...

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - So good. I would get it.

You know, as usual, you guys are welcome to come.

But you probably have an excuse as to why you can't.

- Nope. Not this time. - No, I'm pretty sure

- we can think of something. - No, I mean...

I mean we should go.

- We're gonna go. - Oh.

- Right. We're gonna go. Yeah. - We're in!

- Really? - Yeah!

Amazing. All right, well, my driver will be here soon,

- if you want to come with me. - Okay. Yay!

I guess we should change.

No way. You guys are amazing.

Oh. You mean clothes.

Uh, yeah. Yeah, definitely.

I've got to say, Jake, you look pretty sexy

in Cooper's skinny jeans.

Yeah, Claire, too sexy.

Feels like I'm smuggling grapes.

Hey, there she is.

Guys, this is my duet partner, Laurel.

So, are you excited to sing with Cooper tonight?

His new song is so good.

Ah...

Do you have, like, a whole bunch of signs

for different situations, or just the one sign?

- Oh. - It's just the one sign, okay.

We're gonna go warm up. You guys have fun.

Those VIP bracelets

give you access to everything.

- Ooh. - Oh...

Hello.

Oh...

Jake, this is, like, one of those parties

where the prostitutes are so fancy

you can't tell them apart from just a regular skank.

Oh, God, this is so fun.

Yeah, this was just such a great call

to come out tonight.

No, Jake. You lock it up.

Come on.

Cool people don't yawn.

They do awesome things, like walk into a party

and say, "I'm bored."

You're right. You're right.

Time to go huge. Tonight we say good-bye

to the old Jake and Claire who get excited over simple things.

Oh, jumbo shrimp.

Look at all these jumbo shrimp.

Oh. Oh.

Hey, man.

Don't sleep on that garlic shrimp.

You know what I'm saying? Ha-ha!

- I'm cool. - Hey, you guys want to hit

one of these?

Oh?

Oh, my God, these are real live drugs.

What do we do? Drug people hate it when you don't take their drugs.

Okay, obviously, there's only one thing to do here.

- Ah. - Mm-hmm.

Let me get one of them things, man.

I don't care if it's a weekday.

You know what I'm saying?

See you on the other side, girl.

Mmm.

Okay, you can spit yours out.

What? I swallowed mine.

What? Why?

Because we said we were gonna go huge tonight.

That doesn't include taking random drugs from a stranger.

And we just shared the "we'd fake it" look.

That wasn't a "fake it" look, that was a "take it" look.

- Okay, this is a "fake it" look. - Right.

This is a "take it" look.

That's the exact same look.

My God, Claire, I'm gonna die.

It's already burning my throat.

Okay, okay, you know what?

Relax.

It's a small pill. You're a big guy.

I'm sure that you can handle whatever drug it is.

Oh. Did you not want that?

I guess they're a little strong.

Wha... Who, me?

I already took mine, girl.

This is his.

He's mine.

- Mmm. - Okay, you can spit that out now.

- I swallowed that one, too. - Why?!

I panicked. Oh, my God, Claire, what did I...

what did I take?

What if it's one of those drugs where I end up eating someone's face?

Okay, you know what? Just-just try to stay calm.

I'm gonna go ask him what you took.

It's probably bath salts.

Oh, no. I've become addicted to my favorite way to relax.

Guys, I'll be straight with you.

I took a narcotic tablet, and, uh,

I'm dealing with the real-world consequences right now.

You, uh, seem fine.

And even if I'm not, it's okay, it's okay.

Okay, Jake, I asked the dude what drug he gave you.

What was it? Yayo? Smack?

Fleck? Nurp-nurp? Quam?

It was a mint.

A mint!

Oh, I've never even heard of that!

Is this, like, a Class A narcotic?

Yeah, "A" for Altoids.

- "A" for... - He gave you a mint

because your breath was so bad from eating the garlic shrimp.

I see.

Ha! Yeah, man, I knew that.

I assume the patient-paramedic confidentiality agreement

will be honored?

Well, that's not a thing.

And I'm definitely telling all my friends.

Okay.

Uh...

Sorry, you need a wristband.

Um, uh, the medic just ripped mine off.

I was just in here, man. It's me.

Come on, man, I know Coop.

That's my guy. Like, we're best friends.

He's gonna sleep in my attic tonight.

I'm wearing his pants. Come on, let me in.

- We got a live one here. - Oh...

Hi, guys. Will you watch from the side stage?

Knowing you're here will help ease my nerves.

Yeah, of course we'll be there, Cooper.

These guys are with me.

Yeah.

Uh-huh-huh.

Look who's in the VIP area.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

"We got a live one here." Shut your ass up, man.

I'm up in your space!

Can I have my microphone?

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

- Warmed it up for you. A little wet. - Yeah.

Thank you.

Guys.

I'm nervous. What if my fans hate it?

What if they love it?

You'll never know if you don't try.

Thanks, guys.

Hey.

People said I was crazy when I told them

I was moving in with my accountant, but...

it's the best decision I've ever made.

Except for when I was 12 and I posted a video

of me singing on YouTube that got a billion views.

Yeah.

That was a good decision.

Well, the feeling's mutual.

Kill it, buddy.

Cooper! Cooper!

What's up, Los Angeles!?

All right, tonight I'd like to try

something a little bit different.

I'd actually like to bring out a special guest.

I...

I can't... breathe.

Did someone... have shellfish?

I did. And it was breathtaking.

You must have gotten it on... the mike.

I-I'm super allergic.

Well, why didn't you put that on a card?

Okay?

♪ I could never write a love song ♪

♪ Till I met you... ♪

Let me try that again.

♪ I could never write a love song... ♪

Claire, you got to get out there. Cooper needs you.

♪ Till I met you... ♪

No, I couldn't. It's crazy.

♪ And I couldn't ♪

♪ Sing a love song ♪

♪ Till I loved you ♪

♪ Well, our hearts are beatin' faster ♪

♪ 'Cause we found something true ♪

♪ I have never loved someone ♪

♪ The way that I love you ♪

That's my wife.

Not anymore.

♪ I have never loved someone ♪

♪ The way that I love you ♪

♪ Well, our hearts are beatin' faster ♪

♪ 'Cause we found something true ♪

♪ I have never loved someone ♪

♪ The way that I love you... ♪

Goodness.

Ah, there's my sexy little rock star.

Yeah, last night was totally nuts.

Oh, yeah.

Woke up to a million texts about you singing with Cooper.

One text from my bank asking me if I spent $104 at Taco Bell.

Man, my head is killing me.

How are you not hungover?

'Cause I was fake drinking all night.

Cool, coo... Wait, what?

Okay, Jake, here goes.

So, one of the reasons that I wanted us

to go out and have a big night was, um...

I might have...

huge news.

Wait. What's that?

Are we... are we pregnant?

Okay, I-I'm not sure. Um, but I've been feeling weird

and nauseous all week, so I just, I went out

and I bought the test and I just took it,

but I haven't checked the results yet.

This is so exciting. I just can't...

Okay, can you just please check,

- because I'm freaking out. - Oh, right, right, right, right.

Okay.

We're gonna have a baby.

We're having a baby.

We're gonna have a baby.

We're gonna have a baby!

Oh, my God!

Claire? What-what's going on? I heard you guys screaming.

I'm pregnant.

What?! Oh, my God!

That's incredible.

Claire!

You're in the newspaper again.

This is amazing! I can't believe

our baby girl's a rock star!

Oh, okay, whoa, okay, calm down.

You're spilling your breakfast margs.

You're all over the Internet.

In Touch, Us Weekly,

- everywhere. - Oh.

"Cooper James reunites with mystery cougar

to sing beautiful duet."

Mm.

- Yeah, last night was truly amazing. - Well...

we actually have something even cooler to share with you.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Gerald! We did it!

We've been trying for years!

Honey, I'm so happy. We're gonna have a baby!

I know! I love you!

- I'll drink to this. - Oh.

No, honey. Our drinking days are over.

We are gonna be grandparents.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Do I have to move out of the attic?

No. Cooper, the baby will get the guest room.

Yay!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You guys have a guest room?

Get in here!

♪ Baby, I ♪

♪ Love you. ♪

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -