Original subtitles

Happily divorced is shot before a live audience.

Hello, darling.

Oh, ma, what a nice surprise.

Yeah. Look. I found the perfect earrings

for you to give daddy to surprise me with

on our mother's day brunch.

What time's the reservation?

Um... you know, let me just check with Cesar.

Okay.

Table for four at the Ritz Carlton.

Not near a draft.

Yeah, he's gonna check on it.

Make sure that, you know, we got the perfect table,

- perfect view... - Good.

For you to have the perfect

mother's day brunch at the Ritz Carlton.

They're booked.

Or another place.

Your forgot the reservations.

Oh, ma, I'm so sorry.

It's just that I've been so swamped

with mother's day coming.

No problem, sweetheart.

We can do what I like on father's day.

Oh, no, wait, we can't

because you ordered daddy's dodger tickets already.

Well, you know, you have to do that months in advance

or you don't get them.

Months in advance, you thought of your father.

Isn't that sweet?

We're back.

- Hey, ma. - Hello, darling.

Did you hear where we're not going on mother's day?

We're not going to the Ritz?

Come on, we've been taking Dori

there since we were married.

Well, after 18 years,

we decided to dine elsewhere.

Very much like you did.

Now how was the dog park?

Was it fun?

Hell, yeah.

Thanks to this thing, hot guys actually talked to me.

Is it a bunny? Is it a bear?

Is it an ewok?

Yes, you were.

Who wants another cookie?

Oh, no, no, sweetie.

She so fat, she can't even walk now.

Come to mama.

- What was that? - I don't know.

You're not holding her right.

You're hurting her.

Come here.

Mama loves y...

Why is she growling at me?

Maybe she's disappointed we're not going to the Ritz.

She was certain that he was the one and only

but their union always seemed a little forced

she got married anyway

turns out that he was gay

they're still in love, but now she's happily divorced

Oh, sweetie.

What would you say if I told you I had a coupon

for a free spray tan that's good until 4:00 today?

I'd say I'd leave right now, except I'd miss

what you're trying to hide from me.

Not trying to hide anything.

All right, I have to know why Esther hates me.

So my girlfriend from junior high, who's now a pet psychic,

is coming over, and it's not stupid.

A pet psychic?

Hold on, you're spending money

for some quack to read a dog's mind?

Come on, Fran.

I'm wearing sunglasses

held together with band-aids.

Peter, I cannot live in this house with two things

that no longer wanna lick me.

Fine, you know, I can read dogs' minds too.

What's that you say, Esther?

Food, poop, food, poop, food, poop, poop.

Huh. That'll be 300 bucks.

Oh, stop.

Hi!

Look who's here.

Hi!

- Katie o'grady. - You.

Oh, it's so great to see you.

It's been way too long.

Hey, do you remember Peter from the wedding?

No, I wasn't invited.

Oh, yeah.

Well, soup or salad, fish or meat?

He chose meat, now we're divorced, you're all caught up.

Ah, so where's the dog?

Shouldn't you know that?

That's very funny. You're a funny guy.

Feel free to crack all the jokes you want,

because the clock started when I walked in.

Bye.

This is the patient.

- Oh. - Aw.

And that's the problem.

See?

Why does she hate me?

Why do you hate me?!

Well, let's see if we can find out, okay?

There you go, baby.

Hello, angel baby girl.

Hi. Really?

Oh, I hear you.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

What's she saying about me, Katie?

Did you call her fat?

It's only because I thought she'd be healthier.

And I thought if she lost a little weight,

she'd look better.

Well, she knew exactly what you meant.

And so did I when you said it to me in eighth grade.

Well, here you go.

And by the way, if Esther says that I borrowed

Fran's Jimmy choos and spilled red wine on them,

that bitch is a damn liar.

Now has she said anything good about me?

Like when I bought her than new coat?

Oh. She hates it.

- Hates it? - Yeah.

She was so excited she was running around

in circles when I brought it home.

Yeah, that's cause she needed

to have her anal glands squeezed.

She's also not crazy about the way

you keep shoving that pill down her throat.

That's for her hips.

It's for your own good, missy.

She doesn't know that, Fran. She's a dog.

Oh, that she doesn't know,

but I buy her a coat and all of a sudden

she's Joan rivers on fashion police?

She says she loves going to the park with Peter.

Uh, they have a lot in common.

Like what? Chasing balls?

Oh, she thought that was funny.

Listen, you shouldn't worry about that.

A lot of little girls love their daddies more.

- It's normal. - Oh, just like you.

That's so not true, Judi.

Oh, come on, Fran.

You forgot mother's day,

but you remembered father's day two months early.

How do you even know that?

Who do you think your mother calls when she's all faklempt

about the mishegas you're causing her?

Fran Newman, you forgot mother's day?

Ugh, shame on you.

Do you know how lucky you are to even have a mother?

I mean what I wouldn't give to have one more day with mine.

You know?

Just to walk with her,

to smell her Jean Nate,

to hold her hand,

to tell her how much I love her,

I miss her?

I didn't mean to forget.

Yeah, but you didn't forget father's day, did you?

I know, honey, I know.

What's she saying?

Well, she said, and I happen

to agree with her,

how do you expect her to treat

you any different when she sees

the way you treat your own mother?

She's right.

I'm sorry, Esther.

I'm a terrible daughter.

No, franny, you're not a terrible daughter.

You just ripped out your mother's kishkas.

Whatever the hell they are.

- Wow, don't you look gorgeous? - Oh, thanks.

What are you all dressed up for?

You know, I figured out a way

to let my mother know how much I love her.

I'm gonna spend more time with her.

Like today, I'm gonna take her dress shopping

for estelle shapiro's daughter's wedding.

No!

I'm taking your mother dress shopping

for estelle shapiro's daughter's wedding.

Then we're going for popovers at neiman's.

No, you're not.

Today, you're gonna stay home

and watch the Lakers game with daddy.

But I don't know anything about basketball.

Come on, what did I come out for anyway?

So I can openly shop and go for popovers.

- Honey. - Baby.

- Sweetie. - Doll, I planned my whole day

around those popovers.

Well, I planned my whole life around a man that likes vaginas.

We don't all get what we want.

Ah.

Hi, you guys.

So, who's ready to watch kobe take it hard to the hole?

See, it's right up your alley.

Listen, we have a little change of plans.

Daddy, you're gonna stay here

and watch the Lakers game with Petey,

and I'm gonna go shopping with ma.

Oh...

Oh, come on.

It'll be fun. Yay.

Hey, I love Pete, but this is a big game

and he don't know from sports.

Is he gonna be all annoying and stuff?

Yes, I am. I'm gonna be all annoying and stuff.

And darling, you always rush me.

I am not showing up in something I bought, one-two-three,

just because somebody had to get to chipotle.

Well, it took seven stores, but you're right, ma.

It's $4 cheaper here.

Did I tell you?

You did.

And you know what the best part is?

We got to spend more time together.

Aww.

And we haven't even started with the shoes

or the bags or the hose!

Yay...

- We're having fun, aren't we? - Yeah.

Mother-daughter fun.

Anything goes.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Anything? - Sure.

Because I just saw something I would love to see you in.

Oh, well, where is it?

I'll slip it on.

Ta-da!

Very funny, ma.

Put it on.

I don't wanna.

Excuse me?

We'd like to see this dress.

How can I hel... hey, look who it is.

Katie, you work here too?

Yeah, well, you know with the economy being how it is,

I took a job here as a floater.

You know what, they got me over

at the Mac counter doing makeovers.

Not gonna lie. Not a perfect fit.

Oh, ma, do you remember Katie o'grady from junior high?

- Of course. - Yes.

Oh, my goodness.

You know, I sat with her family

for all of the school productions.

Your brother was the best tevya I have ever seen.

That was me.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Listen, I just wanna let you know how nice it is

to see a mother and daughter spending quality time.

Oh, isn't it wonderful?

We were gonna head up to the bridal salon,

but something tells me it's by appointment only?

Nope. I can take you right up there.

Oh.

Uh, you know, ma, we both know

that I'm never gonna wear that gown,

and it's such a hassle to get dressed and undressed.

Would you mind terribly if I didn't try it on?

And now one with the mother of the bride.

You know, my dad always watched

these games with my brother.

He never took the time to explain it to me.

Of course, it cuts both ways.

I'm sure my brother was jealous

that mom never taught him

how to make boeuf bourguignon.

You think this is fun?

You'll love football.

That's a real man's sport.

Guys taking each other down,

doing anything they can to pound it into the endzone.

What channel's that on?

- Yes! - Oh!

- Three pointer. - Ha! Holla!

Hey, Glen, you want my cheesy bread?

Are you kidding me?

I have to fight franny for this.

I love having a gay son.

Hey, where'd all the guys go?

What's with the dancing girls?

- It's the half. - The what?

Intermission.

Didn't franny say you have to give the dog her pill?

Oh, yeah. Esther?

Esther? I don't see her.

Where the hell can she be?

The dog can barely move.

I don't know.

Esther, come here, girl.

You left the door open!

Ma, can't I get out of this dress already?

It's beginning to cut off my circulation.

It's supposed to be a little tight.

It gives the bride inspiration to lose before the wedding.

There is no wedding.

There's no groom. I'm all alone.

Well, with that attitude, it's no wonder.

Ladies, complimentary champagne and truffles.

Oh, aren't you a doll, Katherine?

I know, can you believe this?

I gotta float up here more often.

You know, now they can't yell at me for drinking on the job.

I could use one of those truffles, Katie.

Oh, really?

When it took the two of us to stuff you into that?

Gimme the tray.

Oh, God, ma!

I told you I'm not a size six.

Angel, it's a nine.

Listen, you know what?

We broke it, we'll buy it.

I don't have an extra 1,500 bucks.

Sweetheart, it is my pleasure to buy it for you...

With the money that daddy and I saved

for our grandchild's bar mitzvah.

God, how sweet.

Sweet?

Don't you hear the dig?

You know, you can tell if a shih tzu is bipolar,

but you can't tell when a jewish mother is giving you hert zich?

What did I say?

I simply offered you a $1,500 dress that you will never wear

with money that your father and I sweated to save

for a grandchild we will never have.

How is that a dig?

You know what, Fran, I wanna go home.

I'm not having any fun.

Oh, really?

Personally, I cannot understand

why you insisted that we do this.

You know what, ma?

Neither can I!

Well, that's very nice.

The day before mother's day, ha.

Oh, do you see what she just said?

How she turns it around, makes it seem like she's the one

that got her feelings hurt?

Unbelievable.

Ma, you know, I tried to have fun with you today,

but it is not possible.

Wow.

I'm a 46-year-old woman and I'm standing here flashing back

to when I was a kid trying on a prom dress.

Do you know what she told me weeks before my prom?

"Do you really need that cookie?

Or do you not wanna be invited to the prom?"

Well, I ate the cookie, mom, and guess what?

Mark schnieder still invited me, ha!

Because mark's mother owed me a favor!

Wow.

I don't understand it.

How far could she go?

I mean, she collapses on her way to the mailbox.

Now, Pete, let's get our stories straight.

You left the door open, you let the dog out.

No, no, no, no, you left the door open.

Come on, I already like boys.

She's my little girl.

She looks up to me.

I'll give you money.

Glen, please, it's going to be easier for you.

You're going to die first.

I'm going to have to hear about this for decades!

Okay, worries are over.

Look what I found at the pound.

Cesar, what's the matter with you?

This isn't Esther.

Yes, but this one is better, it does things.

Sit!

Huh?

Will you please just keep looking?

Hold on to this one.

She might need a rebound dog.

Holy crap, we're dead, Pete.

Our wives are home.

Oh. Come on.

Oh, well, look who's back.

The game just ended. Nothing bad happened.

Why don't you girls relax, enjoy yourselves,

and Glen and I

- will go out and find... - A pickup game.

Yeah.

What's a pickup game?

A dog.

So, would it kill you to pour the woman who went through

22 hours of labor without an epidural a shot of Tequila?

Does the woman who brings it up

every 22 hours want some lime?

Yes, please.

You know, ma, I would have rather sat home

eating pizza with daddy on the night of my junior prom

than have you call some 14-year-old gigolo's mother

to force him to take me.

And I would do it again tomorrow rather than hear

my daughter crying her eyes out because no one asked her.

You heard me crying?

Sweetheart, we shared a wall.

I heard everything that went on in your bedroom.

And I yours.

Fran...

Yes.

I'm sorry.

I never wanted you to know what I did.

For 30 years, I carried this inside me.

And when I heard those words coming out of my mouth,

I wanted to shoot myself.

It's okay, ma.

I still love you.

And I promise that I'm never going to forget

mother's day reservations ever again.

Oh, and you know what, darling?

I could try not to be so always...

Saying things for your own good.

Ahh!

Fran?

What?

You're not gonna share with your mother?

Oh, ma.

So where's my little girl?

You... look so lovely.

Oh!

And I love you so much.

But...

I gave Esther some pizza.

That's okay.

Come to mama.

You'll start your diet tomorrow.

Oh, shut up.

Sometimes a mother has to do things

that you won't understand.

- Right, ma? - Yes, darling.

You know that's a dog, not a grandchild.

I'd like to make a toast to the greatest mom in the world.

Happy mother's day.

I love you, ma.

Oh, sweetheart, I love you too.

- Cheers. - Happy mother's day, ma.

Oh, thanks, honey.

Pete, soccer's on.

Booyah!

What kind of costumes do they have?

I mean, look at this.

My three daughters.

Just like Charlie's angels... ish.

I love you, Dori.

Thank you for being my west coast mom.

Represent, dear.

Mazel tov, baby.

And Dori, thanks for including me.

It's been a long time since I celebrated this day.

Thanks for giving me a reason to.

Oh, sweetheart, you're my newest daughter.

And may I say that the highlights you had

put in your hair are very flattering.

I didn't have highlights.

Should you?

Welcome to the family, sis.

Mmm.

Well, this has been great, but you are not my only table.

- Bring bread. - Okay.

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