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1
00:00:01,017 --> 00:00:04,586
Happily divorced is shot
before a live audience.
2
00:00:04,587 --> 00:00:05,821
Hello, darling.
3
00:00:05,855 --> 00:00:07,923
Oh, ma, what a nice surprise.
4
00:00:07,924 --> 00:00:10,553
Yeah. Look.
I found the perfect earrings
5
00:00:10,554 --> 00:00:13,031
for you to give daddy
to surprise me with
6
00:00:13,032 --> 00:00:15,201
on our mother's day brunch.
7
00:00:15,236 --> 00:00:18,003
What time's the reservation?
8
00:00:18,038 --> 00:00:22,564
Um... you know, let me
just check with Cesar.
9
00:00:22,572 --> 00:00:23,903
Okay.
10
00:00:23,904 --> 00:00:25,372
Table for four
at the Ritz Carlton.
11
00:00:25,373 --> 00:00:28,046
Not near a draft.
12
00:00:30,156 --> 00:00:32,457
Yeah, he's gonna check on it.
13
00:00:32,458 --> 00:00:34,962
Make sure that, you know,
we got the perfect table,
14
00:00:34,963 --> 00:00:36,565
- perfect view...
- Good.
15
00:00:36,566 --> 00:00:38,134
For you to have the perfect
16
00:00:38,135 --> 00:00:40,475
mother's day brunch
at the Ritz Carlton.
17
00:00:41,978 --> 00:00:44,148
They're booked.
18
00:00:44,183 --> 00:00:46,854
Or another place.
19
00:00:46,889 --> 00:00:49,591
Your forgot the reservations.
20
00:00:49,626 --> 00:00:51,729
Oh, ma, I'm so sorry.
21
00:00:51,730 --> 00:00:53,533
It's just that
I've been so swamped
22
00:00:53,534 --> 00:00:57,505
with mother's day coming.
23
00:00:57,539 --> 00:00:59,841
No problem, sweetheart.
24
00:00:59,842 --> 00:01:02,078
We can do what I like
on father's day.
25
00:01:02,079 --> 00:01:04,281
Oh, no, wait, we can't
26
00:01:04,282 --> 00:01:08,420
because you ordered
daddy's dodger tickets already.
27
00:01:08,454 --> 00:01:12,358
Well, you know, you have to do
that months in advance
28
00:01:12,359 --> 00:01:13,693
or you don't get them.
29
00:01:13,727 --> 00:01:16,998
Months in advance,
you thought of your father.
30
00:01:16,999 --> 00:01:20,735
Isn't that sweet?
31
00:01:20,736 --> 00:01:22,136
We're back.
32
00:01:22,137 --> 00:01:24,072
- Hey, ma.
- Hello, darling.
33
00:01:24,073 --> 00:01:26,941
Did you hear where we're not
going on mother's day?
34
00:01:26,976 --> 00:01:28,209
We're not going to the Ritz?
35
00:01:28,210 --> 00:01:29,477
Come on, we've been taking Dori
36
00:01:29,478 --> 00:01:30,578
there since we were married.
37
00:01:30,613 --> 00:01:32,380
Well, after 18 years,
38
00:01:32,381 --> 00:01:34,482
we decided to dine elsewhere.
39
00:01:34,483 --> 00:01:37,819
Very much like you did.
40
00:01:37,853 --> 00:01:38,852
Now how was the dog park?
41
00:01:38,854 --> 00:01:40,521
Was it fun?
42
00:01:40,556 --> 00:01:41,889
Hell, yeah.
43
00:01:41,890 --> 00:01:46,527
Thanks to this thing, hot guys
actually talked to me.
44
00:01:46,528 --> 00:01:47,829
Is it a bunny?
Is it a bear?
45
00:01:47,863 --> 00:01:49,966
Is it an ewok?
46
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:51,567
Yes, you were.
47
00:01:51,602 --> 00:01:53,170
Who wants another cookie?
48
00:01:53,171 --> 00:01:56,140
Oh, no, no, sweetie.
49
00:01:56,141 --> 00:01:59,644
She so fat, she can't
even walk now.
50
00:01:59,645 --> 00:02:01,880
Come to mama.
51
00:02:03,516 --> 00:02:05,450
- What was that?
- I don't know.
52
00:02:05,451 --> 00:02:06,618
You're not holding her right.
53
00:02:06,619 --> 00:02:08,186
You're hurting her.
54
00:02:08,187 --> 00:02:11,356
Come here.
55
00:02:11,357 --> 00:02:13,625
Mama loves y...
56
00:02:13,660 --> 00:02:15,861
Why is she growling at me?
57
00:02:15,895 --> 00:02:18,797
Maybe she's disappointed
we're not going to the Ritz.
58
00:02:22,936 --> 00:02:27,640
She was certain that he was
the one and only
59
00:02:27,641 --> 00:02:32,613
but their union always seemed
a little forced
60
00:02:32,614 --> 00:02:36,084
she got married anyway
61
00:02:36,085 --> 00:02:38,287
turns out that he was gay
62
00:02:38,288 --> 00:02:41,912
they're still in love, but now
she's happily divorced
63
00:02:41,913 --> 00:02:43,895
64
00:02:43,896 --> 00:02:46,665
Oh, sweetie.
65
00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:51,170
What would you say
if I told you I had a coupon
66
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:56,176
for a free spray tan
that's good until 4:00 today?
67
00:02:56,177 --> 00:02:58,245
I'd say I'd leave right now,
except I'd miss
68
00:02:58,246 --> 00:03:01,182
what you're trying
to hide from me.
69
00:03:01,183 --> 00:03:04,186
Not trying to hide anything.
70
00:03:04,187 --> 00:03:06,588
All right, I have to know why
Esther hates me.
71
00:03:06,589 --> 00:03:09,091
So my girlfriend from junior
high, who's now a pet psychic,
72
00:03:09,092 --> 00:03:12,228
is coming over,
and it's not stupid.
73
00:03:12,229 --> 00:03:13,630
A pet psychic?
74
00:03:13,631 --> 00:03:14,965
Hold on, you're spending money
75
00:03:14,966 --> 00:03:17,067
for some quack
to read a dog's mind?
76
00:03:17,101 --> 00:03:18,268
Come on, Fran.
77
00:03:18,269 --> 00:03:19,303
I'm wearing sunglasses
78
00:03:19,304 --> 00:03:21,506
held together with band-aids.
79
00:03:21,540 --> 00:03:25,510
Peter, I cannot live in
this house with two things
80
00:03:25,511 --> 00:03:28,713
that no longer wanna lick me.
81
00:03:28,714 --> 00:03:31,483
Fine, you know, I can read
dogs' minds too.
82
00:03:31,484 --> 00:03:32,617
What's that you say, Esther?
83
00:03:32,652 --> 00:03:35,954
Food, poop, food, poop,
food, poop, poop.
84
00:03:35,955 --> 00:03:37,422
Huh. That'll be 300 bucks.
85
00:03:37,457 --> 00:03:39,458
Oh, stop.
86
00:03:41,494 --> 00:03:43,228
Hi!
87
00:03:43,229 --> 00:03:44,228
Look who's here.
88
00:03:44,230 --> 00:03:48,534
Hi!
89
00:03:48,535 --> 00:03:51,704
- Katie o'grady.
- You.
90
00:03:51,738 --> 00:03:53,139
Oh, it's so great to see you.
91
00:03:53,140 --> 00:03:54,808
It's been way too long.
92
00:03:54,809 --> 00:03:57,211
Hey, do you remember
Peter from the wedding?
93
00:03:57,245 --> 00:03:58,946
No, I wasn't invited.
94
00:03:58,980 --> 00:04:01,049
Oh, yeah.
95
00:04:01,050 --> 00:04:03,351
Well, soup or salad,
fish or meat?
96
00:04:03,352 --> 00:04:06,688
He chose meat, now we're
divorced, you're all caught up.
97
00:04:06,689 --> 00:04:08,890
Ah, so where's the dog?
98
00:04:08,925 --> 00:04:11,026
Shouldn't you know that?
99
00:04:11,061 --> 00:04:13,044
That's very funny.
You're a funny guy.
100
00:04:13,062 --> 00:04:15,297
Feel free to crack all the jokes
you want,
101
00:04:15,298 --> 00:04:18,100
because the clock
started when I walked in.
102
00:04:18,101 --> 00:04:20,435
Bye.
103
00:04:20,436 --> 00:04:21,770
This is the patient.
104
00:04:21,804 --> 00:04:23,772
- Oh.
- Aw.
105
00:04:25,675 --> 00:04:28,142
And that's the problem.
106
00:04:28,143 --> 00:04:29,477
See?
107
00:04:29,478 --> 00:04:31,579
Why does she hate me?
108
00:04:31,613 --> 00:04:35,483
Why do you hate me?!
109
00:04:35,517 --> 00:04:38,453
Well, let's see if
we can find out, okay?
110
00:04:38,454 --> 00:04:39,787
There you go, baby.
111
00:04:39,788 --> 00:04:42,223
Hello, angel baby girl.
112
00:04:42,224 --> 00:04:43,958
Hi. Really?
113
00:04:43,993 --> 00:04:46,795
Oh, I hear you.
114
00:04:46,829 --> 00:04:48,530
Uh-huh.
115
00:04:48,531 --> 00:04:49,597
Uh-huh.
116
00:04:49,598 --> 00:04:51,332
What's she saying
about me, Katie?
117
00:04:51,366 --> 00:04:54,168
Did you call her fat?
118
00:04:54,202 --> 00:04:56,737
It's only because I thought
she'd be healthier.
119
00:04:56,738 --> 00:04:58,372
And I thought if she
lost a little weight,
120
00:04:58,373 --> 00:04:59,806
she'd look better.
121
00:04:59,807 --> 00:05:01,675
Well, she knew exactly
what you meant.
122
00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:05,311
And so did I when you said
it to me in eighth grade.
123
00:05:05,312 --> 00:05:08,548
Well, here you go.
124
00:05:08,549 --> 00:05:11,184
And by the way, if Esther
says that I borrowed
125
00:05:11,185 --> 00:05:14,453
Fran's Jimmy choos and
spilled red wine on them,
126
00:05:14,454 --> 00:05:17,523
that bitch is a damn liar.
127
00:05:17,558 --> 00:05:20,026
Now has she said
anything good about me?
128
00:05:20,027 --> 00:05:22,528
Like when I bought her
than new coat?
129
00:05:22,562 --> 00:05:25,731
Oh. She hates it.
130
00:05:25,766 --> 00:05:27,600
- Hates it?
- Yeah.
131
00:05:27,601 --> 00:05:29,602
She was so excited
she was running around
132
00:05:29,603 --> 00:05:31,204
in circles when
I brought it home.
133
00:05:31,239 --> 00:05:32,306
Yeah, that's cause she needed
134
00:05:32,307 --> 00:05:34,809
to have her anal
glands squeezed.
135
00:05:34,843 --> 00:05:36,811
She's also not crazy
about the way
136
00:05:36,845 --> 00:05:38,680
you keep shoving
that pill down her throat.
137
00:05:38,714 --> 00:05:40,148
That's for her hips.
138
00:05:40,149 --> 00:05:42,017
It's for your own good,
missy.
139
00:05:42,052 --> 00:05:44,186
She doesn't know that, Fran.
She's a dog.
140
00:05:44,221 --> 00:05:46,422
Oh, that she doesn't know,
141
00:05:46,423 --> 00:05:48,157
but I buy her a coat
and all of a sudden
142
00:05:48,158 --> 00:05:51,994
she's Joan rivers
on fashion police?
143
00:05:52,029 --> 00:05:55,131
She says she loves going
to the park with Peter.
144
00:05:55,132 --> 00:05:57,466
Uh, they have a lot in common.
145
00:05:57,501 --> 00:06:00,003
Like what? Chasing balls?
146
00:06:01,538 --> 00:06:05,308
Oh, she thought that was funny.
147
00:06:05,309 --> 00:06:07,244
Listen, you shouldn't
worry about that.
148
00:06:07,245 --> 00:06:09,112
A lot of little girls
love their daddies more.
149
00:06:09,113 --> 00:06:11,348
- It's normal.
- Oh, just like you.
150
00:06:11,382 --> 00:06:13,616
That's so not true, Judi.
151
00:06:13,651 --> 00:06:15,085
Oh, come on, Fran.
152
00:06:15,086 --> 00:06:16,453
You forgot mother's day,
153
00:06:16,454 --> 00:06:19,522
but you remembered
father's day two months early.
154
00:06:19,557 --> 00:06:21,624
How do you even know that?
155
00:06:21,659 --> 00:06:24,527
Who do you think your mother
calls when she's all faklempt
156
00:06:24,528 --> 00:06:28,631
about the mishegas
you're causing her?
157
00:06:28,665 --> 00:06:30,733
Fran Newman,
you forgot mother's day?
158
00:06:30,768 --> 00:06:32,602
Ugh, shame on you.
159
00:06:32,603 --> 00:06:35,138
Do you know how lucky you
are to even have a mother?
160
00:06:35,139 --> 00:06:37,874
I mean what I wouldn't give
to have one more day with mine.
161
00:06:37,875 --> 00:06:38,908
You know?
162
00:06:38,909 --> 00:06:39,942
Just to walk with her,
163
00:06:39,943 --> 00:06:41,243
to smell her Jean Nate,
164
00:06:41,244 --> 00:06:42,243
to hold her hand,
165
00:06:42,245 --> 00:06:43,746
to tell her how much I love her,
166
00:06:43,747 --> 00:06:44,746
I miss her?
167
00:06:44,748 --> 00:06:46,315
I didn't mean to forget.
168
00:06:46,349 --> 00:06:49,118
Yeah, but you didn't forget
father's day, did you?
169
00:06:49,152 --> 00:06:51,120
I know, honey, I know.
170
00:06:51,121 --> 00:06:52,120
What's she saying?
171
00:06:52,122 --> 00:06:53,489
Well, she said, and I happen
172
00:06:53,490 --> 00:06:54,523
to agree with her,
173
00:06:54,524 --> 00:06:55,791
how do you expect her to treat
174
00:06:55,792 --> 00:06:57,093
you any different when she sees
175
00:06:57,094 --> 00:07:00,229
the way you treat
your own mother?
176
00:07:00,264 --> 00:07:02,565
She's right.
177
00:07:02,566 --> 00:07:04,434
I'm sorry, Esther.
178
00:07:04,435 --> 00:07:06,369
I'm a terrible daughter.
179
00:07:06,370 --> 00:07:08,605
No, franny, you're not
a terrible daughter.
180
00:07:08,606 --> 00:07:11,775
You just ripped out
your mother's kishkas.
181
00:07:11,776 --> 00:07:14,778
Whatever the hell they are.
182
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,569
- Wow, don't you look gorgeous?
- Oh, thanks.
183
00:07:24,578 --> 00:07:25,577
What are you
all dressed up for?
184
00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:27,380
You know, I figured out a way
185
00:07:27,381 --> 00:07:29,582
to let my mother know
how much I love her.
186
00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:31,016
I'm gonna spend more
time with her.
187
00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:34,219
Like today, I'm gonna
take her dress shopping
188
00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:36,539
for estelle shapiro's
daughter's wedding.
189
00:07:36,555 --> 00:07:38,523
No!
190
00:07:38,524 --> 00:07:40,024
I'm taking your
mother dress shopping
191
00:07:40,025 --> 00:07:41,659
for estelle shapiro's
daughter's wedding.
192
00:07:41,660 --> 00:07:43,713
Then we're going for
popovers at neiman's.
193
00:07:43,728 --> 00:07:44,895
No, you're not.
194
00:07:44,896 --> 00:07:46,129
Today, you're gonna stay home
195
00:07:46,130 --> 00:07:47,498
and watch the Lakers
game with daddy.
196
00:07:47,532 --> 00:07:49,767
But I don't know anything
about basketball.
197
00:07:49,768 --> 00:07:51,435
Come on, what did I
come out for anyway?
198
00:07:51,436 --> 00:07:54,672
So I can openly shop
and go for popovers.
199
00:07:54,706 --> 00:07:56,173
- Honey.
- Baby.
200
00:07:56,174 --> 00:07:58,476
- Sweetie.
- Doll, I planned my whole day
201
00:07:58,477 --> 00:08:00,778
around those popovers.
202
00:08:00,813 --> 00:08:03,748
Well, I planned my whole life
around a man that likes vaginas.
203
00:08:03,749 --> 00:08:06,050
We don't all get what we want.
204
00:08:06,051 --> 00:08:07,318
Ah.
205
00:08:09,887 --> 00:08:11,788
Hi, you guys.
206
00:08:11,789 --> 00:08:15,792
So, who's ready to watch kobe
take it hard to the hole?
207
00:08:15,826 --> 00:08:20,429
See, it's right up your alley.
208
00:08:20,430 --> 00:08:22,297
Listen, we have
a little change of plans.
209
00:08:22,298 --> 00:08:23,865
Daddy, you're gonna stay here
210
00:08:23,866 --> 00:08:25,700
and watch the Lakers game
with Petey,
211
00:08:25,701 --> 00:08:27,769
and I'm gonna go
shopping with ma.
212
00:08:27,803 --> 00:08:30,301
Oh...
213
00:08:30,306 --> 00:08:32,308
Oh, come on.
214
00:08:32,309 --> 00:08:34,610
It'll be fun. Yay.
215
00:08:34,644 --> 00:08:37,647
Hey, I love Pete,
but this is a big game
216
00:08:37,648 --> 00:08:38,748
and he don't know from sports.
217
00:08:38,749 --> 00:08:40,228
Is he gonna be all
annoying and stuff?
218
00:08:40,251 --> 00:08:44,088
Yes, I am. I'm gonna be
all annoying and stuff.
219
00:08:44,122 --> 00:08:46,423
And darling,
you always rush me.
220
00:08:46,424 --> 00:08:49,993
I am not showing up in something
I bought, one-two-three,
221
00:08:49,994 --> 00:08:52,995
just because somebody
had to get to chipotle.
222
00:08:58,168 --> 00:09:01,958
Well, it took seven stores,
but you're right, ma.
223
00:09:01,971 --> 00:09:04,271
It's $4 cheaper here.
224
00:09:04,306 --> 00:09:06,880
Did I tell you?
225
00:09:06,908 --> 00:09:07,975
You did.
226
00:09:07,976 --> 00:09:09,777
And you know what
the best part is?
227
00:09:09,778 --> 00:09:12,279
We got to spend
more time together.
228
00:09:12,314 --> 00:09:13,614
Aww.
229
00:09:13,615 --> 00:09:15,350
And we haven't even
started with the shoes
230
00:09:15,351 --> 00:09:17,919
or the bags or the hose!
231
00:09:17,953 --> 00:09:20,188
Yay...
232
00:09:20,189 --> 00:09:22,124
- We're having fun, aren't we?
- Yeah.
233
00:09:22,158 --> 00:09:23,726
Mother-daughter fun.
234
00:09:23,727 --> 00:09:25,294
Anything goes.
235
00:09:25,328 --> 00:09:26,733
- Really?
- Yeah.
236
00:09:26,763 --> 00:09:28,163
- Anything?
- Sure.
237
00:09:28,198 --> 00:09:30,666
Because I just saw something
I would love to see you in.
238
00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:31,867
Oh, well, where is it?
239
00:09:31,868 --> 00:09:33,101
I'll slip it on.
240
00:09:33,136 --> 00:09:36,805
Ta-da!
241
00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:40,142
Very funny, ma.
242
00:09:40,177 --> 00:09:42,712
Put it on.
243
00:09:42,746 --> 00:09:45,714
I don't wanna.
244
00:09:45,715 --> 00:09:46,982
Excuse me?
245
00:09:46,983 --> 00:09:48,249
We'd like to see this dress.
246
00:09:48,284 --> 00:09:51,553
How can I hel... hey,
look who it is.
247
00:09:51,587 --> 00:09:54,010
Katie, you work here too?
248
00:09:54,023 --> 00:09:56,724
Yeah, well, you know with
the economy being how it is,
249
00:09:56,759 --> 00:09:58,893
I took a job here as a floater.
250
00:09:58,927 --> 00:10:00,128
You know what, they got me over
251
00:10:00,129 --> 00:10:02,096
at the Mac counter
doing makeovers.
252
00:10:02,097 --> 00:10:06,981
Not gonna lie.
Not a perfect fit.
253
00:10:07,002 --> 00:10:11,038
Oh, ma, do you remember Katie
o'grady from junior high?
254
00:10:12,173 --> 00:10:14,141
- Of course.
- Yes.
255
00:10:14,142 --> 00:10:15,542
Oh, my goodness.
256
00:10:15,577 --> 00:10:17,477
You know,
I sat with her family
257
00:10:17,478 --> 00:10:19,327
for all of
the school productions.
258
00:10:19,347 --> 00:10:22,950
Your brother was the best tevya
I have ever seen.
259
00:10:22,951 --> 00:10:24,885
That was me.
260
00:10:24,919 --> 00:10:26,520
- Oh.
- Yeah.
261
00:10:26,554 --> 00:10:29,923
Listen, I just wanna let
you know how nice it is
262
00:10:29,924 --> 00:10:32,632
to see a mother and daughter
spending quality time.
263
00:10:32,661 --> 00:10:36,364
Oh, isn't it wonderful?
264
00:10:36,365 --> 00:10:39,133
We were gonna head up
to the bridal salon,
265
00:10:39,134 --> 00:10:43,518
but something tells me
it's by appointment only?
266
00:10:43,538 --> 00:10:45,853
Nope. I can take you
right up there.
267
00:10:45,874 --> 00:10:48,009
Oh.
268
00:10:48,010 --> 00:10:50,311
Uh, you know, ma, we both know
269
00:10:50,312 --> 00:10:52,212
that I'm never gonna
wear that gown,
270
00:10:52,213 --> 00:10:55,115
and it's such a hassle to get
dressed and undressed.
271
00:10:55,116 --> 00:10:57,885
Would you mind terribly
if I didn't try it on?
272
00:11:02,724 --> 00:11:08,668
And now one with
the mother of the bride.
273
00:11:08,697 --> 00:11:09,864
You know,
my dad always watched
274
00:11:09,865 --> 00:11:11,065
these games with my brother.
275
00:11:11,066 --> 00:11:13,033
He never took the time
to explain it to me.
276
00:11:13,034 --> 00:11:14,101
Of course, it cuts both ways.
277
00:11:14,102 --> 00:11:15,101
I'm sure my brother was jealous
278
00:11:15,103 --> 00:11:16,203
that mom never taught him
279
00:11:16,204 --> 00:11:19,012
how to make boeuf bourguignon.
280
00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:20,407
You think this is fun?
281
00:11:20,408 --> 00:11:21,407
You'll love football.
282
00:11:21,409 --> 00:11:23,043
That's a real man's sport.
283
00:11:23,044 --> 00:11:24,911
Guys taking each other down,
284
00:11:24,912 --> 00:11:29,717
doing anything they can to pound
it into the endzone.
285
00:11:29,718 --> 00:11:32,954
What channel's that on?
286
00:11:32,988 --> 00:11:33,987
- Yes!
- Oh!
287
00:11:33,990 --> 00:11:36,992
- Three pointer.
- Ha! Holla!
288
00:11:38,929 --> 00:11:40,463
Hey, Glen, you want
my cheesy bread?
289
00:11:40,497 --> 00:11:41,798
Are you kidding me?
290
00:11:41,799 --> 00:11:43,834
I have to fight franny
for this.
291
00:11:43,835 --> 00:11:45,802
I love having a gay son.
292
00:11:45,837 --> 00:11:47,503
Hey, where'd all the guys go?
293
00:11:47,504 --> 00:11:49,272
What's with the dancing girls?
294
00:11:49,273 --> 00:11:51,474
- It's the half.
- The what?
295
00:11:51,475 --> 00:11:53,504
Intermission.
296
00:11:53,510 --> 00:11:55,744
Didn't franny say you have to
give the dog her pill?
297
00:11:55,779 --> 00:11:57,913
Oh, yeah. Esther?
298
00:11:57,914 --> 00:11:59,747
Esther? I don't see her.
299
00:11:59,782 --> 00:12:00,781
Where the hell can she be?
300
00:12:00,783 --> 00:12:01,783
The dog can barely move.
301
00:12:01,817 --> 00:12:02,983
I don't know.
302
00:12:02,984 --> 00:12:05,986
Esther, come here, girl.
303
00:12:08,724 --> 00:12:11,726
You left the door open!
304
00:12:14,686 --> 00:12:17,388
Ma, can't I get out of this
dress already?
305
00:12:17,389 --> 00:12:20,491
It's beginning to cut off
my circulation.
306
00:12:20,525 --> 00:12:22,893
It's supposed to be
a little tight.
307
00:12:22,894 --> 00:12:27,230
It gives the bride inspiration
to lose before the wedding.
308
00:12:27,231 --> 00:12:28,565
There is no wedding.
309
00:12:28,566 --> 00:12:30,833
There's no groom.
I'm all alone.
310
00:12:30,834 --> 00:12:32,835
Well, with that attitude,
it's no wonder.
311
00:12:32,869 --> 00:12:37,305
Ladies, complimentary
champagne and truffles.
312
00:12:37,306 --> 00:12:39,507
Oh, aren't you
a doll, Katherine?
313
00:12:39,541 --> 00:12:40,809
I know, can you believe this?
314
00:12:40,810 --> 00:12:42,944
I gotta float up here
more often.
315
00:12:42,945 --> 00:12:47,482
You know, now they can't yell
at me for drinking on the job.
316
00:12:47,483 --> 00:12:49,852
I could use one of those
truffles, Katie.
317
00:12:49,853 --> 00:12:51,479
Oh, really?
318
00:12:51,488 --> 00:12:55,942
When it took the two of us
to stuff you into that?
319
00:12:55,959 --> 00:12:59,728
Gimme the tray.
320
00:13:01,564 --> 00:13:04,283
Oh, God, ma!
321
00:13:04,301 --> 00:13:06,452
I told you I'm not a size six.
322
00:13:06,469 --> 00:13:09,747
Angel, it's a nine.
323
00:13:09,773 --> 00:13:11,140
Listen, you know what?
324
00:13:11,141 --> 00:13:13,126
We broke it, we'll buy it.
325
00:13:13,143 --> 00:13:15,837
I don't have an
extra 1,500 bucks.
326
00:13:15,846 --> 00:13:19,815
Sweetheart, it is my pleasure
to buy it for you...
327
00:13:19,816 --> 00:13:22,251
With the money
that daddy and I saved
328
00:13:22,252 --> 00:13:24,470
for our grandchild's
bar mitzvah.
329
00:13:24,488 --> 00:13:26,597
God, how sweet.
330
00:13:26,624 --> 00:13:28,024
Sweet?
331
00:13:28,025 --> 00:13:29,767
Don't you hear the dig?
332
00:13:29,794 --> 00:13:32,195
You know, you can tell
if a shih tzu is bipolar,
333
00:13:32,196 --> 00:13:36,858
but you can't tell when a jewish
mother is giving you hert zich?
334
00:13:36,867 --> 00:13:38,335
What did I say?
335
00:13:38,336 --> 00:13:42,321
I simply offered you a $1,500
dress that you will never wear
336
00:13:42,339 --> 00:13:46,075
with money that your father
and I sweated to save
337
00:13:46,076 --> 00:13:48,378
for a grandchild
we will never have.
338
00:13:48,379 --> 00:13:51,948
How is that a dig?
339
00:13:51,949 --> 00:13:54,917
You know what, Fran,
I wanna go home.
340
00:13:54,918 --> 00:13:56,419
I'm not having any fun.
341
00:13:56,453 --> 00:13:58,621
Oh, really?
342
00:13:58,622 --> 00:13:59,922
Personally,
I cannot understand
343
00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:01,549
why you insisted
that we do this.
344
00:14:01,558 --> 00:14:02,758
You know what, ma?
345
00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,328
Neither can I!
346
00:14:04,329 --> 00:14:05,596
Well, that's very nice.
347
00:14:05,630 --> 00:14:07,598
The day before mother's day, ha.
348
00:14:07,632 --> 00:14:09,267
Oh, do you see
what she just said?
349
00:14:09,301 --> 00:14:12,437
How she turns it around, makes
it seem like she's the one
350
00:14:12,438 --> 00:14:14,306
that got her feelings hurt?
351
00:14:14,307 --> 00:14:15,813
Unbelievable.
352
00:14:15,842 --> 00:14:19,011
Ma, you know, I tried to have
fun with you today,
353
00:14:19,012 --> 00:14:21,281
but it is not possible.
354
00:14:21,315 --> 00:14:24,405
Wow.
355
00:14:24,418 --> 00:14:29,189
I'm a 46-year-old woman and
I'm standing here flashing back
356
00:14:29,190 --> 00:14:31,579
to when I was a kid
trying on a prom dress.
357
00:14:31,592 --> 00:14:35,328
Do you know what she told me
weeks before my prom?
358
00:14:35,329 --> 00:14:37,464
"Do you really need that cookie?
359
00:14:37,465 --> 00:14:40,867
Or do you not wanna be invited
to the prom?"
360
00:14:40,868 --> 00:14:44,175
Well, I ate the cookie,
mom, and guess what?
361
00:14:44,205 --> 00:14:46,974
Mark schnieder
still invited me, ha!
362
00:14:47,008 --> 00:14:52,313
Because mark's mother
owed me a favor!
363
00:14:52,347 --> 00:14:54,349
Wow.
364
00:14:59,916 --> 00:15:01,015
I don't understand it.
365
00:15:01,050 --> 00:15:02,584
How far could she go?
366
00:15:02,585 --> 00:15:06,154
I mean, she collapses
on her way to the mailbox.
367
00:15:06,155 --> 00:15:08,657
Now, Pete, let's get
our stories straight.
368
00:15:08,658 --> 00:15:10,893
You left the door open,
you let the dog out.
369
00:15:10,927 --> 00:15:13,429
No, no, no, no,
you left the door open.
370
00:15:13,430 --> 00:15:16,399
Come on, I already like boys.
371
00:15:16,433 --> 00:15:17,633
She's my little girl.
372
00:15:17,634 --> 00:15:18,901
She looks up to me.
373
00:15:18,902 --> 00:15:20,536
I'll give you money.
374
00:15:20,571 --> 00:15:22,772
Glen, please, it's going to be
easier for you.
375
00:15:22,773 --> 00:15:24,073
You're going to die first.
376
00:15:24,074 --> 00:15:28,044
I'm going to have to hear
about this for decades!
377
00:15:28,045 --> 00:15:30,046
Okay, worries are over.
378
00:15:30,047 --> 00:15:33,149
Look what I found at the pound.
379
00:15:33,184 --> 00:15:34,351
Cesar, what's
the matter with you?
380
00:15:34,352 --> 00:15:35,518
This isn't Esther.
381
00:15:35,519 --> 00:15:37,954
Yes, but this one is better,
it does things.
382
00:15:37,988 --> 00:15:39,422
Sit!
383
00:15:39,423 --> 00:15:41,557
Huh?
384
00:15:41,592 --> 00:15:43,526
Will you please
just keep looking?
385
00:15:43,527 --> 00:15:44,660
Hold on to this one.
386
00:15:44,661 --> 00:15:47,530
She might need a rebound dog.
387
00:15:47,565 --> 00:15:48,765
Holy crap, we're dead, Pete.
388
00:15:48,766 --> 00:15:49,766
Our wives are home.
389
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,501
Oh. Come on.
390
00:15:52,536 --> 00:15:54,370
Oh, well, look who's back.
391
00:15:54,371 --> 00:15:56,539
The game just ended.
Nothing bad happened.
392
00:15:56,574 --> 00:15:57,640
Why don't you girls relax,
enjoy yourselves,
393
00:15:57,641 --> 00:15:58,941
and Glen and I
394
00:15:58,942 --> 00:16:01,411
- will go out and find...
- A pickup game.
395
00:16:01,412 --> 00:16:02,545
Yeah.
396
00:16:02,546 --> 00:16:03,545
What's a pickup game?
397
00:16:03,547 --> 00:16:05,181
A dog.
398
00:16:07,785 --> 00:16:11,187
So, would it kill you to pour
the woman who went through
399
00:16:11,188 --> 00:16:16,159
22 hours of labor without an
epidural a shot of Tequila?
400
00:16:16,194 --> 00:16:18,095
Does the woman
who brings it up
401
00:16:18,096 --> 00:16:20,997
every 22 hours
want some lime?
402
00:16:21,031 --> 00:16:22,831
Yes, please.
403
00:16:24,834 --> 00:16:28,303
You know, ma, I would have
rather sat home
404
00:16:28,304 --> 00:16:32,474
eating pizza with daddy on
the night of my junior prom
405
00:16:32,475 --> 00:16:36,545
than have you call some
14-year-old gigolo's mother
406
00:16:36,546 --> 00:16:39,814
to force him to take me.
407
00:16:39,849 --> 00:16:42,984
And I would do it again
tomorrow rather than hear
408
00:16:42,985 --> 00:16:48,690
my daughter crying her eyes out
because no one asked her.
409
00:16:48,691 --> 00:16:50,225
You heard me crying?
410
00:16:50,226 --> 00:16:52,261
Sweetheart, we shared a wall.
411
00:16:52,262 --> 00:16:54,597
I heard everything that went on
in your bedroom.
412
00:16:54,632 --> 00:16:57,434
And I yours.
413
00:17:01,038 --> 00:17:03,139
Fran...
414
00:17:03,174 --> 00:17:04,474
Yes.
415
00:17:04,508 --> 00:17:06,242
I'm sorry.
416
00:17:06,277 --> 00:17:08,477
I never wanted you
to know what I did.
417
00:17:08,478 --> 00:17:10,913
For 30 years,
I carried this inside me.
418
00:17:10,914 --> 00:17:14,650
And when I heard those words
coming out of my mouth,
419
00:17:14,651 --> 00:17:18,386
I wanted to shoot myself.
420
00:17:18,387 --> 00:17:19,387
It's okay, ma.
421
00:17:19,421 --> 00:17:21,222
I still love you.
422
00:17:21,256 --> 00:17:24,292
And I promise that
I'm never going to forget
423
00:17:24,293 --> 00:17:26,894
mother's day reservations
ever again.
424
00:17:26,895 --> 00:17:29,897
Oh, and you know what,
darling?
425
00:17:29,931 --> 00:17:33,234
I could try not to be so
always...
426
00:17:33,235 --> 00:17:36,237
Saying things for your own good.
427
00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:42,477
Ahh!
428
00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:46,848
Fran?
429
00:17:46,883 --> 00:17:48,116
What?
430
00:17:48,117 --> 00:17:49,952
You're not gonna share
with your mother?
431
00:17:49,953 --> 00:17:51,954
Oh, ma.
432
00:17:53,390 --> 00:17:56,392
So where's my little girl?
433
00:17:59,496 --> 00:18:02,898
You... look so lovely.
434
00:18:02,933 --> 00:18:04,633
Oh!
435
00:18:04,668 --> 00:18:07,203
And I love you so much.
436
00:18:07,237 --> 00:18:09,138
But...
437
00:18:15,512 --> 00:18:17,513
I gave Esther some pizza.
438
00:18:17,548 --> 00:18:20,516
That's okay.
439
00:18:20,517 --> 00:18:23,586
Come to mama.
440
00:18:23,620 --> 00:18:26,790
You'll start your diet tomorrow.
441
00:18:26,791 --> 00:18:27,958
Oh, shut up.
442
00:18:27,959 --> 00:18:29,760
Sometimes a mother
has to do things
443
00:18:29,761 --> 00:18:31,895
that you won't understand.
444
00:18:31,896 --> 00:18:34,297
- Right, ma?
- Yes, darling.
445
00:18:34,298 --> 00:18:37,300
You know that's a dog,
not a grandchild.
446
00:18:42,072 --> 00:18:46,477
I'd like to make a toast to
the greatest mom in the world.
447
00:18:46,478 --> 00:18:48,145
Happy mother's day.
448
00:18:48,146 --> 00:18:49,380
I love you, ma.
449
00:18:49,415 --> 00:18:53,451
Oh, sweetheart,
I love you too.
450
00:18:53,452 --> 00:18:55,120
- Cheers.
- Happy mother's day, ma.
451
00:18:55,121 --> 00:18:56,388
Oh, thanks, honey.
452
00:18:56,423 --> 00:18:57,890
Pete, soccer's on.
453
00:18:57,925 --> 00:18:59,992
Booyah!
454
00:18:59,993 --> 00:19:03,562
What kind of costumes
do they have?
455
00:19:03,563 --> 00:19:05,330
I mean, look at this.
456
00:19:05,331 --> 00:19:06,998
My three daughters.
457
00:19:07,033 --> 00:19:11,035
Just like Charlie's
angels... ish.
458
00:19:13,504 --> 00:19:15,505
I love you, Dori.
459
00:19:15,539 --> 00:19:18,107
Thank you for being
my west coast mom.
460
00:19:18,142 --> 00:19:20,109
Represent, dear.
461
00:19:20,143 --> 00:19:23,713
Mazel tov, baby.
462
00:19:23,714 --> 00:19:26,048
And Dori,
thanks for including me.
463
00:19:26,083 --> 00:19:28,417
It's been a long time
since I celebrated this day.
464
00:19:28,418 --> 00:19:29,986
Thanks for giving me
a reason to.
465
00:19:30,020 --> 00:19:33,222
Oh, sweetheart,
you're my newest daughter.
466
00:19:33,223 --> 00:19:35,191
And may I say that
the highlights you had
467
00:19:35,192 --> 00:19:37,160
put in your hair
are very flattering.
468
00:19:37,194 --> 00:19:38,661
I didn't have highlights.
469
00:19:38,696 --> 00:19:42,231
Should you?
470
00:19:42,232 --> 00:19:46,969
Welcome to the family, sis.
471
00:19:46,970 --> 00:19:48,437
Mmm.
472
00:19:48,438 --> 00:19:53,475
Well, this has been great,
but you are not my only table.
473
00:19:53,476 --> 00:19:56,484
- Bring bread.
- Okay.
474
00:19:56,485 --> 00:20:00,096
475
00:20:00,146 --> 00:20:04,696
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