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1
00:00:03,780 --> 00:00:05,565
Who called this family
meeting? I can't just sit
2
00:00:05,566 --> 00:00:07,813
and watch Jenny sip a
Bloody Mary all morning.
3
00:00:07,814 --> 00:00:11,712
_
4
00:00:11,713 --> 00:00:13,554
I don't have time for this.
5
00:00:13,555 --> 00:00:16,349
I have a PTA auction I need to
organize with a bunch of ladies
6
00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:18,329
who couldn't find a tail
on a four-assed cat.
7
00:00:18,330 --> 00:00:20,479
That's on top of the million things
8
00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:21,897
on my usual to-do list.
9
00:00:21,898 --> 00:00:23,564
And I'm out of town for a couple days,
10
00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:24,940
so you have to bring
Emery to volleyball.
11
00:00:24,941 --> 00:00:26,809
Don't forget his kneepads and
a bottle of lemon water...
12
00:00:26,810 --> 00:00:28,361
He likes lemon water.
13
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:29,979
Hit it, G-mah!
14
00:00:38,122 --> 00:00:39,856
Why did I feel the need to drive in?
15
00:00:39,857 --> 00:00:41,333
Because I'm street legal.
16
00:00:41,334 --> 00:00:42,558
I finished my Driver's Ed,
17
00:00:42,559 --> 00:00:44,372
and I can finally get
my driver's license.
18
00:00:44,373 --> 00:00:45,549
All right.
19
00:00:46,967 --> 00:00:48,510
Oh, wow!
20
00:00:49,618 --> 00:00:50,792
I knew he was gonna drive in.
21
00:00:50,793 --> 00:00:51,934
I saw him setting up.
22
00:00:51,935 --> 00:00:54,196
- Don't make it about you, Dad.
- It's his day.
23
00:01:13,783 --> 00:01:19,784
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com
24
00:01:20,734 --> 00:01:23,718
I have never seen you this
excited for taco day before.
25
00:01:23,719 --> 00:01:26,352
I'm just practicing for my
driver's license photo.
26
00:01:26,782 --> 00:01:27,932
What do you think?
27
00:01:28,508 --> 00:01:30,866
You look like a dad on a roller coaster.
28
00:01:30,867 --> 00:01:33,192
Your driver's license photo is forever.
29
00:01:33,193 --> 00:01:34,522
You want to convey confidence.
30
00:01:34,523 --> 00:01:36,038
Step inside the mind of a bouncer.
31
00:01:36,039 --> 00:01:37,396
I'm sorry, I'm just really excited
32
00:01:37,397 --> 00:01:38,913
about getting my driver's license.
33
00:01:38,914 --> 00:01:40,700
You're excited? We're excited!
34
00:01:40,701 --> 00:01:42,635
You're gonna be the first
one of us with a license.
35
00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:45,204
And a van big enough to
drive us all around.
36
00:01:45,205 --> 00:01:47,673
I regret nothing about that moped.
37
00:01:47,674 --> 00:01:49,508
Except crashing it.
38
00:01:49,509 --> 00:01:51,077
Think about all the things
we'll be able to do
39
00:01:51,078 --> 00:01:52,244
once Eddie can drive.
40
00:01:52,245 --> 00:01:54,146
We can drive through a car wash.
41
00:01:54,147 --> 00:01:56,816
We can drive through a bank ATM.
42
00:01:56,817 --> 00:02:00,219
Guys, we can drive through a drive-thru.
43
00:02:00,220 --> 00:02:02,007
- Oh!
- And most importantly,
44
00:02:02,008 --> 00:02:04,390
we can drive to the Insane
Clown Posse concert.
45
00:02:04,391 --> 00:02:05,725
I've been sleeping with those tickets
46
00:02:05,726 --> 00:02:07,626
under my pillow for a month.
47
00:02:07,627 --> 00:02:10,129
Those Juggalo chicks are gonna go wild
48
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:12,631
when they hear that I walked
away from a moped wreck.
49
00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:18,382
Oh, hey.
50
00:02:18,383 --> 00:02:21,440
The PTA is fundraising
for a new computer lab,
51
00:02:21,441 --> 00:02:22,775
and I need a moneymaker
52
00:02:22,776 --> 00:02:24,894
that's gonna push this
auction over the top.
53
00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:26,278
How do you feel about
54
00:02:26,279 --> 00:02:28,814
a "win a date with the PTA president"?
55
00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:30,082
Sure, whatever, anything for the kids.
56
00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:32,062
Do you think I need to
bring floss on this trip?
57
00:02:32,063 --> 00:02:33,419
No, right? Marvin will
probably bring some.
58
00:02:33,420 --> 00:02:34,954
- He's a dentist.
- Remind me again
59
00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:37,523
why you're surprising
Marvin with a trip.
60
00:02:37,524 --> 00:02:39,558
Marvin's been straight
out since the baby came.
61
00:02:39,559 --> 00:02:41,093
He and I are due for some boy time,
62
00:02:41,094 --> 00:02:42,428
and there is no better place than
63
00:02:42,429 --> 00:02:45,383
the annual Chili Con
Conference in Panama City.
64
00:02:46,450 --> 00:02:49,135
You're right.
65
00:02:49,136 --> 00:02:51,296
I can't auction myself off.
66
00:02:51,297 --> 00:02:54,115
The auction thermometer
only goes to $10,000.
67
00:02:54,116 --> 00:02:56,217
All right, who's taking me to the DMV?
68
00:02:56,218 --> 00:02:58,725
- It's time to get laminated.
- Sorry, I'm going to surprise
69
00:02:58,726 --> 00:03:00,319
Marvin with a trip to Chili Con.
70
00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:01,702
If you don't want to
take me, that's fine.
71
00:03:01,703 --> 00:03:02,803
You don't have to lie.
72
00:03:02,804 --> 00:03:05,267
I don't lie about chili. I eat it.
73
00:03:07,015 --> 00:03:09,280
Moms, you feeling like a DMV run?
74
00:03:09,281 --> 00:03:11,524
Nope. I already have to
take Emery to volleyball,
75
00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:13,025
Evan to fencing, pick up some groceries,
76
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:15,944
and run this PTA auction to
build you a new computer lab.
77
00:03:15,945 --> 00:03:17,177
Come on, Mom, I can't do donuts
78
00:03:17,178 --> 00:03:18,936
around the Mervyn's parking
lot on a computer!
79
00:03:18,937 --> 00:03:21,600
We can't just drop everything
because you have something.
80
00:03:21,601 --> 00:03:23,102
We'll get to it eventually.
81
00:03:23,103 --> 00:03:24,904
The DMV isn't going anywhere.
82
00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:29,675
Ah, I'm gonna grab the
floss just in case.
83
00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:34,616
You ready?
84
00:03:34,617 --> 00:03:36,649
The anticipation's killing me, Lou.
85
00:03:37,984 --> 00:03:39,318
Where are we going?
86
00:03:39,319 --> 00:03:40,853
- I love surprises.
- I know.
87
00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:42,421
It's like you think
something's gonna happen,
88
00:03:42,422 --> 00:03:44,957
then something completely
different happens.
89
00:03:44,958 --> 00:03:47,044
Yep. Please tell him, Louis.
90
00:03:48,946 --> 00:03:50,513
We are going
91
00:03:50,514 --> 00:03:52,198
to the Chili Con Conference
92
00:03:52,199 --> 00:03:54,433
in the heart of the Redneck Riviera,
93
00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:56,319
Panama City. I scored us passes
94
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,221
that get us into the
cornbread after-party.
95
00:03:58,222 --> 00:04:00,489
Oh, the Chili Con Conference...
96
00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:01,952
Whoa!
97
00:04:01,953 --> 00:04:03,659
I'm glad you're as pumped as I am
98
00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:06,512
because I booked us a double
room at the Airport HoJo.
99
00:04:06,513 --> 00:04:07,764
They have an indoor pool.
100
00:04:07,765 --> 00:04:09,565
- Ooh.
- Oh, that does sound amazing.
101
00:04:09,566 --> 00:04:11,584
- Right?!
- You got room for one more?
102
00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,343
'Cause this sounds too good to pass up!
103
00:04:13,344 --> 00:04:14,991
- Wait, what?
- Chili?
104
00:04:14,992 --> 00:04:17,022
My two favorite guys? The open road?
105
00:04:17,023 --> 00:04:18,616
You're checking all my boxes, Louis.
106
00:04:18,617 --> 00:04:20,243
It might be nice to have
someone who can go on
107
00:04:20,244 --> 00:04:21,961
a late-night antacid run for us
108
00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:23,729
in case we blow it out.
109
00:04:23,730 --> 00:04:24,914
Well, I only have two passes,
110
00:04:24,915 --> 00:04:26,429
and they were pretty hard to come by.
111
00:04:26,430 --> 00:04:27,672
Oh, I don't need a pass.
112
00:04:27,673 --> 00:04:29,151
I've seen Dave Matthews over 40 times.
113
00:04:29,152 --> 00:04:30,405
I've never bought a ticket.
114
00:04:30,406 --> 00:04:31,874
Um, well, what about Maria?
115
00:04:31,875 --> 00:04:33,706
Oh, we found this great new babysitter.
116
00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:34,941
It's a he!
117
00:04:35,826 --> 00:04:37,393
But I only made two aprons,
118
00:04:37,394 --> 00:04:39,595
and we're leaving right now.
There's no time for you to pack.
119
00:04:39,596 --> 00:04:41,561
Oh, I have a go-bag in the car.
120
00:04:41,562 --> 00:04:43,249
Panama City! Ha!
121
00:04:43,250 --> 00:04:44,583
Let's go, bitches!
122
00:04:48,804 --> 00:04:50,616
How about some tunes?
123
00:04:50,617 --> 00:04:52,208
No radio, it wastes gas.
124
00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:53,409
How 'bout some air back here?
125
00:04:53,410 --> 00:04:54,983
No vents for me. I'm cold.
126
00:04:54,984 --> 00:04:56,679
'Cause you're wearing
that skimpy outfit.
127
00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:58,097
If you were playing a gentleman's sport,
128
00:04:58,098 --> 00:04:59,832
- like fencing...
- Gentleman's sport?
129
00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:01,608
Volleyball is played in the royal court!
130
00:05:01,609 --> 00:05:02,897
Can we get a fact check?
131
00:05:02,898 --> 00:05:04,687
Fact... You guys are lame.
132
00:05:06,126 --> 00:05:08,297
Ow! Evan hit me with his needle sword.
133
00:05:08,298 --> 00:05:09,444
It's an epee!
134
00:05:10,527 --> 00:05:12,528
- Stop!
- If you don't knock it off,
135
00:05:12,529 --> 00:05:14,697
I swear I will turn this car around.
136
00:05:16,586 --> 00:05:18,015
You missed the turn for the DMV!
137
00:05:18,016 --> 00:05:20,539
I'll take you after I finish my errands.
138
00:05:20,540 --> 00:05:21,742
I'm your firstborn.
139
00:05:21,743 --> 00:05:23,335
I should be your first priority.
140
00:05:23,336 --> 00:05:24,890
Oh, you are.
141
00:05:24,891 --> 00:05:27,062
I have to buy groceries so you can eat,
142
00:05:27,063 --> 00:05:29,561
return your white-people-are-
bad-at-jumping video
143
00:05:29,562 --> 00:05:31,480
before we get charged, and then
144
00:05:31,481 --> 00:05:34,918
plan a PTA auction to raise
funds for your school.
145
00:05:38,820 --> 00:05:40,389
This list makes no sense.
146
00:05:40,390 --> 00:05:42,574
The DMV is right there.
You could take me now
147
00:05:42,575 --> 00:05:44,343
and still have time to
finish all this by dinner.
148
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,422
Gah, Mom, why do you have
to make things harder?
149
00:05:46,423 --> 00:05:47,574
It's so easy.
150
00:05:51,768 --> 00:05:53,051
Fine.
151
00:05:53,427 --> 00:05:55,378
Let's go to the DMV.
152
00:06:00,077 --> 00:06:01,280
I'm finally free!
153
00:06:01,281 --> 00:06:02,449
Yep, you're free.
154
00:06:02,450 --> 00:06:03,801
Free to do all this...
155
00:06:05,282 --> 00:06:07,430
But, Mom, I'm supposed to
hang with the crew tonight.
156
00:06:07,431 --> 00:06:10,086
You can still spend time with
your ragtag group of friends.
157
00:06:10,087 --> 00:06:11,837
- How?
- You told me I could have this
158
00:06:11,838 --> 00:06:13,105
all done by dinner.
159
00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:15,125
You said it was "so easy" for me.
160
00:06:16,027 --> 00:06:17,398
I see what you're doing here,
161
00:06:17,399 --> 00:06:19,044
and I accept your challenge,
162
00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:20,608
if you could even call it that.
163
00:06:20,609 --> 00:06:21,780
Great. Well, now I can spend
164
00:06:21,781 --> 00:06:23,733
all my time on the PTA auction.
165
00:06:23,734 --> 00:06:24,882
- Fine.
- Great.
166
00:06:24,883 --> 00:06:26,051
- Fine.
- Great.
167
00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:27,152
- Fine.
- Great.
168
00:06:27,153 --> 00:06:28,320
- Fine.
- Great.
169
00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:30,432
- Fine!
- Great!
170
00:06:32,813 --> 00:06:34,267
Okay, Meatball.
171
00:06:34,268 --> 00:06:35,803
We've got a lot of work to do
172
00:06:35,804 --> 00:06:38,489
to fix whatever it is you
did to the PTA fundraiser.
173
00:06:38,490 --> 00:06:40,474
It's Jamie.
174
00:06:40,475 --> 00:06:42,652
I brought meatballs to the HOA once.
175
00:06:43,413 --> 00:06:45,546
And you don't have to worry
176
00:06:45,547 --> 00:06:49,750
because I found the crown
jewel of our auction...
177
00:06:49,751 --> 00:06:53,337
My homemade baby-corn earrings.
178
00:06:53,338 --> 00:06:54,588
They're farm-to-ear.
179
00:06:54,589 --> 00:06:56,457
Those will raise one dollar.
180
00:06:56,458 --> 00:06:58,225
We need a big-ticket item,
181
00:06:58,226 --> 00:07:00,211
and I've already taken care of it...
182
00:07:00,212 --> 00:07:03,531
George Foreman's
prototype outdoor grill.
183
00:07:03,532 --> 00:07:05,516
Only one in existence.
184
00:07:05,517 --> 00:07:07,902
It uses methane as fuel.
185
00:07:09,906 --> 00:07:13,958
I also have a snap-pea anklet.
186
00:07:13,959 --> 00:07:15,843
Everyone looks great in green.
187
00:07:15,844 --> 00:07:17,778
Okay, whatever it is
you're working through,
188
00:07:17,779 --> 00:07:19,447
I need you to get to the other side...
189
00:07:19,448 --> 00:07:21,517
- ...before the auction.
- Boom, suckas!
190
00:07:23,152 --> 00:07:24,921
Oh, you did everything?
191
00:07:24,922 --> 00:07:26,654
Told you... easy.
192
00:07:26,655 --> 00:07:29,273
He even got to my
fencing practice early.
193
00:07:29,274 --> 00:07:31,742
Saw him gabbing with all the
other moms while he waited.
194
00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:34,962
Turns out, Shelly's cat died the
same day her husband left her.
195
00:07:34,963 --> 00:07:36,363
Her goldfish better watch out.
196
00:07:36,364 --> 00:07:37,982
These things happen in threes.
197
00:07:37,983 --> 00:07:39,459
Not in my family.
198
00:07:40,201 --> 00:07:41,669
It happens in fives.
199
00:07:42,273 --> 00:07:43,855
Wait. Where are the groceries?
200
00:07:44,473 --> 00:07:45,639
They're there.
201
00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:47,311
Nope. They are not.
202
00:07:47,312 --> 00:07:49,062
I forgot.
203
00:07:49,063 --> 00:07:51,171
I tried on Evan's mask, and
I couldn't get it off.
204
00:07:51,172 --> 00:07:52,827
I-I must've gotten distracted.
205
00:07:52,828 --> 00:07:54,272
We'll just pick them up tomorrow.
206
00:07:54,273 --> 00:07:57,134
Tomorrow has its own to-do list,
as does the rest of the week.
207
00:07:57,135 --> 00:07:58,436
What do you think those are?
208
00:07:58,437 --> 00:07:59,853
I never really look over there.
209
00:07:59,854 --> 00:08:01,121
I just go fridge and I'm out.
210
00:08:01,122 --> 00:08:02,334
Well, the fridge is empty,
211
00:08:02,335 --> 00:08:04,475
and those groceries were
for dinner tonight.
212
00:08:04,476 --> 00:08:06,858
If I go to the store now, I'll
miss hanging out with my friends.
213
00:08:06,859 --> 00:08:09,447
- You want your brothers to starve?
- No. Fine.
214
00:08:09,448 --> 00:08:12,142
I'll just whip something up
with the stuff we have here.
215
00:08:15,253 --> 00:08:16,754
My first one with his license.
216
00:08:16,755 --> 00:08:18,568
Thinks he runs the world.
217
00:08:18,569 --> 00:08:21,875
Ugh, I remember when Jamie
Jr. Got his boat license.
218
00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:23,935
You did not want to be
a duck on that lake.
219
00:08:36,908 --> 00:08:39,143
Whoo! Chili Con '99!
220
00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:40,645
You did it. You got right in here
221
00:08:40,646 --> 00:08:42,496
without a badge, you little minx.
222
00:08:42,497 --> 00:08:44,965
Oh, it wasn't hard. No
one was even checking,
223
00:08:44,966 --> 00:08:47,186
which is a shame 'cause I
was really looking forward
224
00:08:47,187 --> 00:08:49,475
to breaking out the old
Honey flash-n-dash.
225
00:08:49,476 --> 00:08:51,188
- What?
- Oh.
226
00:08:51,189 --> 00:08:52,773
You pose for a picture
with the ticket guy
227
00:08:52,774 --> 00:08:54,508
and then when he's blinded by the flash,
228
00:08:54,509 --> 00:08:56,162
you dash inside.
229
00:08:56,163 --> 00:08:58,123
- Right. Thank God.
- Just what I thought it was.
230
00:08:58,124 --> 00:09:00,498
Hey, Marvin, check out this chili.
231
00:09:00,499 --> 00:09:02,683
It has your favorite pepper
in it... The ghost pepper.
232
00:09:02,684 --> 00:09:05,002
Yeah, I see it there on the chalkboard.
233
00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:07,471
All right, two samples
for the ghostbusters?
234
00:09:07,472 --> 00:09:09,823
We'll try not to cross our spoons.
235
00:09:13,129 --> 00:09:14,228
Mmm.
236
00:09:14,229 --> 00:09:16,128
Hotsie-totsie. She's got a kick.
237
00:09:16,129 --> 00:09:17,615
- Hit this, Marv.
- Ooh.
238
00:09:17,616 --> 00:09:19,583
Oh, careful, rookie.
This is the big leagues.
239
00:09:19,584 --> 00:09:21,676
Mmm.
240
00:09:21,677 --> 00:09:23,337
Meh, I've had hotter.
241
00:09:23,338 --> 00:09:25,339
Uh... well, then, I'll just
wait for the next one.
242
00:09:25,340 --> 00:09:27,324
Want to save my taste buds
for the really hot stuff.
243
00:09:27,325 --> 00:09:29,209
Hey, uh, Honey,
244
00:09:29,210 --> 00:09:31,745
we're gonna be on this chili
train for a few hours,
245
00:09:31,746 --> 00:09:34,081
so if you want to go get a nap
in, no one would blame you.
246
00:09:34,082 --> 00:09:36,167
Can't just eat for two, gotta
sleep for two, am I right?
247
00:09:36,168 --> 00:09:37,324
Are you kidding?
248
00:09:37,325 --> 00:09:39,319
I am wide awake.
249
00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:41,372
Hey, you know, actually, a nap
sounds like a pretty good idea,
250
00:09:41,373 --> 00:09:43,524
and you two seem to have
everything under control.
251
00:09:43,525 --> 00:09:44,625
Whoo.
252
00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:46,073
But you slept the whole ride here.
253
00:09:46,074 --> 00:09:47,956
I never hit REM, Louis.
254
00:09:47,957 --> 00:09:49,777
Hey, show her the bread section.
255
00:09:49,778 --> 00:09:50,896
She loves bread.
256
00:09:52,935 --> 00:09:54,518
Looks like it's just us.
257
00:09:54,519 --> 00:09:56,253
So tell me about this bread section.
258
00:09:56,254 --> 00:09:58,389
It's over there where the bread is.
259
00:10:02,844 --> 00:10:04,323
Dinner is served, losers.
260
00:10:04,324 --> 00:10:05,683
Mmm, this is great.
261
00:10:05,684 --> 00:10:07,308
Ramen and cut-up hot dogs?
262
00:10:07,309 --> 00:10:09,567
No, thank you. I'm not
gonna taint my palate.
263
00:10:09,568 --> 00:10:10,878
Tomato season's coming.
264
00:10:10,879 --> 00:10:12,668
Hang on, I'm not even done yet.
265
00:10:15,887 --> 00:10:17,658
No cool ranch for...
266
00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:18,926
Hmm, oh, well.
267
00:10:18,927 --> 00:10:20,362
Bon appétit, losers.
268
00:10:20,363 --> 00:10:21,662
That's French for "losers."
269
00:10:21,663 --> 00:10:23,004
I'm gonna go hang out with my friends.
270
00:10:23,894 --> 00:10:25,708
Wait, what about the mess you made?
271
00:10:26,267 --> 00:10:28,502
This is a one-pan meal at most.
272
00:10:28,503 --> 00:10:30,011
I had a few misfires.
273
00:10:30,012 --> 00:10:32,272
- Well, you have to clean it up.
- Me?
274
00:10:32,273 --> 00:10:33,737
Why are you always on me?
275
00:10:33,738 --> 00:10:35,493
Evan and Emery just got
a free, delicious meal.
276
00:10:35,494 --> 00:10:37,978
- Ha.
- Make them clean it up.
277
00:10:37,979 --> 00:10:39,346
I'm supposed to go hang with my friends.
278
00:10:39,347 --> 00:10:40,722
Sorry, Eddie, it's a school night.
279
00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:42,119
You will see your friends tomorrow.
280
00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:43,868
Besides, I need to drive Meatball home.
281
00:10:43,869 --> 00:10:45,722
She rolled her ankle.
282
00:10:50,244 --> 00:10:51,842
Hey, hey!
283
00:10:51,843 --> 00:10:54,534
- You ready for some breakfast chili?
- Where's Marvin?
284
00:10:54,535 --> 00:10:56,603
He knows they start the
burners at 8:00 A.M. sharp.
285
00:10:56,604 --> 00:10:57,968
"Air Force One."
286
00:10:58,483 --> 00:11:00,067
Marvin has a hard travel rule
287
00:11:00,068 --> 00:11:01,952
that if "Air Force One"
is on TV at a hotel,
288
00:11:01,953 --> 00:11:04,605
- he has to watch it.
- But this is our trip.
289
00:11:04,606 --> 00:11:06,757
We're supposed to spend
the day slinging beans,
290
00:11:06,758 --> 00:11:08,917
fighting heartburn, fanning our tongues!
291
00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:11,017
Oh, I-I'm sure he'll be down in a bit.
292
00:11:11,018 --> 00:11:14,705
In the meantime, there is a
German ladle manufacturer here.
293
00:11:14,706 --> 00:11:17,118
The seminar is called "Ladle-weiss."
294
00:11:18,521 --> 00:11:20,314
You know, like from
"The Sound of Music"?
295
00:11:20,315 --> 00:11:21,855
Yeah, sorry, it's hard for me
296
00:11:21,856 --> 00:11:23,941
to enjoy a chili pun without Marvin.
297
00:11:23,942 --> 00:11:25,874
Oh, don't take it personally.
298
00:11:25,875 --> 00:11:27,044
He just needs a break.
299
00:11:27,045 --> 00:11:29,847
- He said he's all chili-ed out.
- "Chili-ed out"?!
300
00:11:29,848 --> 00:11:31,031
Once, I saw him get a bloody nose,
301
00:11:31,032 --> 00:11:32,691
but it was actually chili coming out.
302
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,185
Well, he'll get a second wind.
303
00:11:34,186 --> 00:11:36,370
Come on, we can still make the seminar.
304
00:11:36,371 --> 00:11:38,132
Better ladle than never.
305
00:11:38,133 --> 00:11:40,054
You know what, save me a seat.
306
00:11:40,055 --> 00:11:41,875
- I'm gonna run to the restroom.
- Whoof.
307
00:11:41,876 --> 00:11:44,546
Chili Con bathroom? Brave.
308
00:11:50,438 --> 00:11:52,171
Oh, come on, Clinton!
309
00:11:52,172 --> 00:11:53,632
Give us a wave.
310
00:11:53,633 --> 00:11:54,955
Chuckles)
311
00:11:58,133 --> 00:12:01,860
- Marvin? How could you?
- It's not what it looks like, Lou.
312
00:12:01,861 --> 00:12:05,624
No amount of sour cream could
wash out the taste of betrayal!
313
00:12:05,625 --> 00:12:06,684
But...
314
00:12:06,685 --> 00:12:07,717
Lou!
315
00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:12,732
Hey!
316
00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:15,021
- Where do you think you're going?
- To the concert with my friends.
317
00:12:15,022 --> 00:12:18,413
- I got permission weeks ago.
- That was before this happened.
318
00:12:19,182 --> 00:12:21,756
Whoa, you've got puberty
all over your face.
319
00:12:21,757 --> 00:12:23,567
It's not zits! It's hives!
320
00:12:23,568 --> 00:12:26,920
Apparently, he's allergic
to cool ranch chips.
321
00:12:26,921 --> 00:12:28,631
Well, how was I supposed to know that?
322
00:12:28,632 --> 00:12:30,324
Well, now I need to take
Emery to the doctor,
323
00:12:30,325 --> 00:12:32,943
which means you have to take
Evan to his fencing tournament,
324
00:12:32,944 --> 00:12:35,498
pick up the grill, and drop
it off at the PTA auction.
325
00:12:35,499 --> 00:12:36,780
I can't. I promised my friends...
326
00:12:36,781 --> 00:12:39,116
This wouldn't have happened if
you had picked up the groceries
327
00:12:39,117 --> 00:12:40,593
like you said you would.
328
00:12:43,105 --> 00:12:44,538
My name is Inigo Montoya,
329
00:12:44,539 --> 00:12:47,508
you killed my father, prepare to die.
330
00:12:49,788 --> 00:12:52,680
- Mommy takes a different way.
- Well, I'm not Mommy.
331
00:12:54,116 --> 00:12:55,633
Can we get a little AC back here?
332
00:12:55,634 --> 00:12:56,984
Yeah, my makeup's starting to bleed.
333
00:12:56,985 --> 00:12:59,436
I wouldn't mind some hype
music to get me in the zone.
334
00:12:59,437 --> 00:13:01,068
No radio. It wastes the gas.
335
00:13:01,069 --> 00:13:03,396
And you'll get plenty of music
once I get Evan to his match,
336
00:13:03,397 --> 00:13:06,302
drop the grill off at school,
and get us to the ICP concert.
337
00:13:06,303 --> 00:13:08,592
Can someone explain to me what "ICP" is?
338
00:13:08,593 --> 00:13:10,214
Hey, Eddie, can we pull over?
339
00:13:10,215 --> 00:13:12,149
- My bladder's singin'.
- Mine, too.
340
00:13:12,150 --> 00:13:14,018
- I need to rain sunshine.
- Savages.
341
00:13:14,019 --> 00:13:16,353
This George Foreman grill
is jabbing my sides.
342
00:13:16,354 --> 00:13:17,821
Like boxer, like grill.
343
00:13:17,822 --> 00:13:20,157
- Still not feeling any airflow!
- If you don't knock it off,
344
00:13:20,158 --> 00:13:22,115
I swear I will turn this car around!
345
00:13:24,963 --> 00:13:26,576
Aw, hell no.
346
00:13:26,577 --> 00:13:28,966
Walter, give me some
of that clown makeup.
347
00:13:28,967 --> 00:13:31,061
We're going straight to the ICP concert.
348
00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:36,106
Don't do it, Evan.
349
00:13:36,107 --> 00:13:38,526
Don't stress-sweat into your whites.
350
00:13:47,513 --> 00:13:49,952
Technically, this could
be considered kidnapping.
351
00:13:49,953 --> 00:13:51,554
First, kids can't kidnap.
352
00:13:51,555 --> 00:13:52,989
Second, this is Florida.
353
00:13:52,990 --> 00:13:55,758
And third, I promised the crew I
was taking them to this concert
354
00:13:55,759 --> 00:13:57,513
long before I was saddled with you.
355
00:13:57,514 --> 00:14:00,196
That guy's throwing punches
with a needle in his arm.
356
00:14:00,197 --> 00:14:02,365
Seven clowns just came out
of that one porta-potty.
357
00:14:02,366 --> 00:14:05,368
- Is that a pierced...
- Yes, yes it is.
358
00:14:05,369 --> 00:14:07,123
Someone's gonna die tonight! Yeah!
359
00:14:08,804 --> 00:14:10,340
Evan, stay close to me.
360
00:14:11,325 --> 00:14:12,602
Evan?
361
00:14:13,410 --> 00:14:14,638
Evan?!
362
00:14:14,639 --> 00:14:16,146
Evan!!
363
00:14:16,147 --> 00:14:17,747
Okay.
364
00:14:17,748 --> 00:14:19,048
Stay right here.
365
00:14:19,049 --> 00:14:21,167
People will donate more when
they see how sick you look.
366
00:14:21,168 --> 00:14:22,623
But I feel fine.
367
00:14:22,624 --> 00:14:24,020
Don't tell people that.
368
00:14:24,021 --> 00:14:26,856
The auctioneer is here,
and he's warming up.
369
00:14:26,857 --> 00:14:28,208
Mommy made me mash my M&M's.
370
00:14:28,209 --> 00:14:29,592
Unique New York, unique New York.
371
00:14:29,593 --> 00:14:31,294
Each leech must reach the beach.
372
00:14:31,295 --> 00:14:33,663
Red leather, yellow leather,
red leather, yellow leather.
373
00:14:35,267 --> 00:14:38,084
- Where do they find these people?
- That's my husband.
374
00:14:38,085 --> 00:14:41,437
I'm sorry. My boy is so sick.
375
00:14:41,438 --> 00:14:44,506
Oh. Well, I don't mean
to upset you more,
376
00:14:44,507 --> 00:14:46,409
but the George Foreman grill isn't here.
377
00:14:46,410 --> 00:14:48,845
What?! Damn it, Eddie!
378
00:14:48,846 --> 00:14:51,569
- That was our big-ticket item!
- Don't worry.
379
00:14:51,570 --> 00:14:53,819
My jewelry box is in the trunk,
380
00:14:53,820 --> 00:14:55,368
and I've got a green bean necklace
381
00:14:55,369 --> 00:14:57,374
that's a real pocketbook-opener.
382
00:14:57,375 --> 00:14:58,755
Ooh!
383
00:15:02,937 --> 00:15:05,762
Wow, Chili Con and Paisley
Fest on the same weekend?
384
00:15:05,763 --> 00:15:07,741
You guys must be raking it in.
385
00:15:07,742 --> 00:15:09,584
Hey, Lou.
386
00:15:09,585 --> 00:15:11,568
I've been looking all over for you.
387
00:15:11,569 --> 00:15:14,170
Why? So you can run off and
eat chili alone again?
388
00:15:14,171 --> 00:15:16,039
- I can explain.
- No need.
389
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,279
I knew you weren't all "chili-ed out."
390
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:19,826
Why have you been avoiding me?
391
00:15:19,827 --> 00:15:21,959
It's not you, Lou. It's me.
392
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:23,998
I just found out I have
a medical condition,
393
00:15:23,999 --> 00:15:26,835
and I was too embarrassed to tell you.
394
00:15:26,836 --> 00:15:28,451
I have the E.D.
395
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:33,756
That's why Honey joined our boys' trip.
396
00:15:33,757 --> 00:15:35,904
You guys are working through
your erectile dysfunction
397
00:15:35,905 --> 00:15:37,865
and wanted to try and spice it up.
398
00:15:37,866 --> 00:15:39,819
Erectile dysfunction?
399
00:15:39,820 --> 00:15:42,881
No! If anything, I have
the opposite problem.
400
00:15:42,882 --> 00:15:46,453
No, extreme diverticulitis.
401
00:15:48,119 --> 00:15:49,891
Ohh.
402
00:15:49,892 --> 00:15:51,767
Wait, what?
403
00:15:51,768 --> 00:15:55,634
My intestines can't process
small beans and seeds.
404
00:15:55,635 --> 00:15:57,614
But I just caught you eating chili.
405
00:15:57,615 --> 00:15:59,716
Yeah, Texas chili...
406
00:15:59,717 --> 00:16:01,244
- beanless.
- Ugh.
407
00:16:01,245 --> 00:16:03,820
Yeah, it's a sad
substitute for real chili.
408
00:16:03,821 --> 00:16:05,266
But why didn't you tell me?
409
00:16:05,267 --> 00:16:07,790
Well, you put so much
thought into this trip,
410
00:16:07,791 --> 00:16:09,092
and with the second baby coming,
411
00:16:09,093 --> 00:16:11,221
who knows how much time
we'll have to hang out?
412
00:16:11,222 --> 00:16:13,963
And Honey came along just so
she could run cover for me.
413
00:16:13,964 --> 00:16:15,598
Still, I'm your best friend.
414
00:16:15,599 --> 00:16:18,368
- I would've understood.
- Yeah, well...
415
00:16:18,369 --> 00:16:21,121
the doc said my E.D. is caused by
416
00:16:21,122 --> 00:16:22,674
Szechuan peppercorns.
417
00:16:23,744 --> 00:16:26,298
- That's the fourth alarm in my chili.
- Yeah.
418
00:16:26,299 --> 00:16:28,128
I caused your intestines to fail?!
419
00:16:28,129 --> 00:16:30,608
That's not the way to look at it, Lou.
420
00:16:30,609 --> 00:16:33,078
The way I see it, it's a...
It's a badge of honor.
421
00:16:33,741 --> 00:16:35,722
I've beaten every chili in the world,
422
00:16:35,723 --> 00:16:37,038
except yours.
423
00:16:38,155 --> 00:16:39,856
I'm sorry I gave you E.D., buddy.
424
00:16:41,025 --> 00:16:42,291
But we'll find something new.
425
00:16:42,292 --> 00:16:44,127
- The world is our oyster.
- Yeah.
426
00:16:45,129 --> 00:16:46,663
The Oyster Boysters!
427
00:16:46,664 --> 00:16:48,114
Huh?
428
00:16:48,115 --> 00:16:50,246
We'll keep thinking.
429
00:16:50,247 --> 00:16:52,385
Paisley Fest!
430
00:16:52,386 --> 00:16:54,671
Flash-n-dash works every time.
431
00:16:56,601 --> 00:16:57,695
Evan!
432
00:16:59,259 --> 00:17:00,645
Evan!
433
00:17:01,578 --> 00:17:03,097
Evan.
434
00:17:03,614 --> 00:17:05,665
Excuse me, have you seen a small kid
435
00:17:05,666 --> 00:17:07,617
wearing all white, holding a sword?
436
00:17:07,618 --> 00:17:09,352
There's a kid who pointed
out a spelling error
437
00:17:09,353 --> 00:17:11,488
- on my concert tee.
- That's him!
438
00:17:11,489 --> 00:17:13,137
Yo.
439
00:17:13,138 --> 00:17:15,909
Do you know where the
nearest bus stop is?
440
00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:18,113
Dude! You cannot walk away like that.
441
00:17:18,114 --> 00:17:20,168
You scared me to death. We're
going back to the van.
442
00:17:20,169 --> 00:17:21,864
I'm not going anywhere with you.
443
00:17:21,865 --> 00:17:24,590
Look around. We're in hell.
444
00:17:24,591 --> 00:17:26,319
You're my responsibility, Bro.
445
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:27,613
Doesn't seem like it.
446
00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:29,739
Seems like you only care
about what you want.
447
00:17:29,740 --> 00:17:32,675
Oh, really? I've been driving
you around the past two days.
448
00:17:32,676 --> 00:17:35,061
I even made you dinner! Never
even heard a thank you.
449
00:17:35,062 --> 00:17:36,427
Do you hear yourself?
450
00:17:36,428 --> 00:17:38,473
Mom drives you around every day.
451
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:39,965
She does everything for you.
452
00:17:39,966 --> 00:17:41,617
She took you to get
your driver's license
453
00:17:41,618 --> 00:17:43,352
and you didn't say squat.
454
00:17:43,353 --> 00:17:45,505
Don't worry, I never thanked my mom,
455
00:17:45,506 --> 00:17:47,057
and I turned out fine.
456
00:17:48,260 --> 00:17:49,776
Come on.
457
00:17:49,777 --> 00:17:51,377
I need to find the guys
so I can tell them
458
00:17:51,378 --> 00:17:53,156
I'm taking you to your
fencing tournament.
459
00:17:53,157 --> 00:17:55,032
We don't need to look that hard.
460
00:17:57,185 --> 00:17:59,075
I don't need to pee anymore.
461
00:18:00,497 --> 00:18:02,129
I can't believe it.
462
00:18:02,130 --> 00:18:04,903
Thanks to Eddie, we're stuck
with this hot garbage.
463
00:18:04,904 --> 00:18:06,957
And now for the big-ticket
item of the night...
464
00:18:06,958 --> 00:18:09,107
Handcrafted vegetable jewelry,
465
00:18:09,108 --> 00:18:11,403
which has taken over my home office.
466
00:18:11,404 --> 00:18:14,183
Our model, Jamie, is sporting
a pair of baby-corn earrings
467
00:18:14,184 --> 00:18:16,569
to match her cherry tomato watchband.
468
00:18:16,570 --> 00:18:18,097
Do I hear an opening bid?
469
00:18:19,122 --> 00:18:20,723
Let's start the bidding at $10.
470
00:18:20,724 --> 00:18:22,425
$10, bidder looking. $20,
$10. Bidder looking, $20.
471
00:18:22,426 --> 00:18:23,593
Come on, folks. Open up your wallets.
472
00:18:23,594 --> 00:18:25,111
This is for the kids.
I need an opening bid
473
00:18:25,112 --> 00:18:26,847
at $5, $6, $7, $8, $9, $10.
474
00:18:26,848 --> 00:18:28,371
$5, bidder, bidder, looking for $10.
475
00:18:28,372 --> 00:18:29,933
$5. Kids need a new computer lab.
476
00:18:29,934 --> 00:18:31,518
We're losing money here. Just $5, folks.
477
00:18:32,544 --> 00:18:35,153
- How about $4.75, $4.50?
- Okay, can it, Meatballs.
478
00:18:35,154 --> 00:18:36,708
Sorry, folks,
479
00:18:36,709 --> 00:18:39,011
that was just a glimpse
into the last five weeks
480
00:18:39,012 --> 00:18:40,927
of my life planning this night,
481
00:18:40,928 --> 00:18:44,653
but now for the real big-ticket
item of the evening...
482
00:18:44,654 --> 00:18:46,255
A date with me!
483
00:18:46,256 --> 00:18:47,801
You and I will enjoy dinner
484
00:18:47,802 --> 00:18:49,852
at a five-star restaurant of my choosing
485
00:18:49,853 --> 00:18:51,004
for no more than an hour.
486
00:18:51,005 --> 00:18:53,773
We won't talk sports, religion,
politics, or pop culture.
487
00:18:53,774 --> 00:18:57,076
I will be reading a book. Of
my own choosing. That I wrote.
488
00:18:57,077 --> 00:19:00,196
Okay, let's start the
bidding at $100,000.
489
00:19:05,180 --> 00:19:07,082
This is for the kids, folks.
490
00:19:07,083 --> 00:19:09,572
And I'm gonna talk fast...
491
00:19:11,742 --> 00:19:14,794
There you are! Okay,
Meatballs, you're back in.
492
00:19:14,795 --> 00:19:16,162
Where have you been?
493
00:19:16,163 --> 00:19:17,831
I went to the concert with my friends.
494
00:19:17,832 --> 00:19:19,988
- What?!
- And then I came back here.
495
00:19:19,989 --> 00:19:21,942
I know I've been complaining
about everything
496
00:19:21,943 --> 00:19:23,449
you've made me do the past two days,
497
00:19:23,450 --> 00:19:25,722
and then I realized you've
been doing this for me
498
00:19:25,723 --> 00:19:28,491
- my whole life.
- That's what being a mom is.
499
00:19:28,492 --> 00:19:30,393
Yeah, I didn't realize that
500
00:19:30,394 --> 00:19:32,045
until I drove a mile in your shoes.
501
00:19:32,046 --> 00:19:33,229
So, thank you.
502
00:19:33,230 --> 00:19:35,465
I didn't mean to heap all that on you,
503
00:19:35,466 --> 00:19:39,502
but I want you to understand
what responsibility really is.
504
00:19:39,503 --> 00:19:41,470
I'm sorry I made it so difficult.
505
00:19:41,471 --> 00:19:44,269
You're not any more difficult
than Evan or Emery.
506
00:19:44,270 --> 00:19:47,026
I know that you think I'm
harder on you than them,
507
00:19:47,027 --> 00:19:48,730
but that's just 'cause you're the first.
508
00:19:48,731 --> 00:19:51,097
Anytime you're figuring
out something new,
509
00:19:51,098 --> 00:19:53,333
- so are we.
- So I'm a trailblazer!
510
00:19:53,334 --> 00:19:55,746
Your father and I call you a guinea pig.
511
00:19:55,747 --> 00:19:56,886
Fair.
512
00:19:56,887 --> 00:19:58,965
In the future, I'll try
to make it easier.
513
00:19:58,966 --> 00:20:01,124
Mm. I can't promise that I will.
514
00:20:02,294 --> 00:20:04,811
- Thank you so much.
- Were you auctioning yourself?
515
00:20:04,812 --> 00:20:05,979
Yes.
516
00:20:05,980 --> 00:20:08,548
I'm sorry you had to
witness those jackals
517
00:20:08,549 --> 00:20:10,483
fighting over your mother, but let's see
518
00:20:10,484 --> 00:20:12,481
how much these horn-dogs
pay for a grill.
519
00:20:12,482 --> 00:20:14,954
This is an XL grill.
Let's see XL prices.
520
00:20:14,955 --> 00:20:17,323
$150, bidder, bidder.
Looking at $150 right here.
521
00:20:17,324 --> 00:20:20,497
$175. Good! $200, there. $200,
$225, bidder looking, $250.
522
00:20:26,512 --> 00:20:28,000
Can I get two large sodas?
523
00:20:28,001 --> 00:20:30,755
Diet for me. Trying to
watch my fencing figure.
524
00:20:30,756 --> 00:20:32,705
Do we think it's safe to eat fish here?
525
00:20:32,706 --> 00:20:34,240
They better not be out of curly fries.
526
00:20:34,241 --> 00:20:35,933
- Pigtails.
- Make sure they put
527
00:20:35,934 --> 00:20:37,487
plenty of ketchup in the bag.
528
00:20:37,488 --> 00:20:39,722
What are you, the Queen
of England? It's ketchup.
529
00:20:39,723 --> 00:20:41,657
Guys, just give me your order!
We don't have all night!
530
00:20:41,658 --> 00:20:43,971
Can I get a cheeseburger?
Cheese on the side.
531
00:20:43,972 --> 00:20:46,262
Anyone wanna go halfsies
on the soft serve?
532
00:20:46,263 --> 00:20:48,573
- I only like the cone.
- Oh, I should get my mom fries.
533
00:20:48,574 --> 00:20:50,486
Ask if they have any old burger buns.
534
00:20:50,487 --> 00:20:52,956
- Seagull bait!
- Don't get too attached to your order.
535
00:20:52,957 --> 00:20:54,867
This place will blow it.
536
00:20:54,868 --> 00:20:57,550
- Last time I came here...
- I don't know how you do it.
537
00:20:57,552 --> 00:20:59,466
I yell a lot.
538
00:20:59,467 --> 00:21:05,467
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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