Original subtitles

ALF: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Welcome to beautiful Jacksonville, Florida.

Current local time is 4:20.

And please be careful when opening overhead compartments,

as the many, many bags of sticky icky icky

may have shifted in flight. We thank you for flying

-Chron Air. -RONNIE (laughs): Chron Air was

-way better than Air Bud. -You know, 'cause of

-Con Air. -Yeah. No, I got it.

Yo, yo, can you believe this shit?

They got 'Pac performing at Coachella.

I told you Makaveli was alive!

You owe me another Jet Ski, dawg.

He's not alive, motherfucker.

It's a hologram.

And it's corny as fuck. You know what? If I die,

you better make sure I never become a hologram.

You two. I'm serious. I'll come back.

-BOTH: Bet. -Matter of fact, Craig,

notarize this shit right now. I hereby

give the rights of my hologram to Alf and Ron

so I might never become a fucking hologram.

-Thank you. -Fine.

-Amen. -I'll file it with Ronnie

and Jake the Snake's pre-nup.

-Oh, shit. -(siren blaring)

-Guys, we got company. -LOU: No shit.

Everywhere we land is like a fuckin' championship parade.

-RONNIE: Fact. -CRAIG: No.

-We got bad company. -ALF: You better

be talkin' about Paul Rodgers,

Simon Kirke, Mick Ralphs and Boz Burrell.

CRAIG: No, not the band Bad Company.

I'm talking about the police.

ALF: You better be talkin'

about Stewart Copeland,

-Andy Summers and Sting. -Why would

two classic rock outfits be waiting for us on the tarmac?

RONNIE: Speaking of classic rock outfits,

what's with your lace-up leather pants, you fuckin' dork?

You look like Steven Tyler's mic stand.

-(laughter) -Ha. Ha.

-ALF: You look like you do close-up magic. -(laughter)

Police! Get out of the plane!

ALF: I'm surprised you're not wearing

one of those low-slung belts

off the belt loop

with the, like, metal discs on it. Oh.

-I am. -Oh.

Just wrapped out a tour with Daughtry.

Guys, I'm talking about actual law enforcement

outside... right now.

-They're gonna raid the plane. -RONNIE: All right, so,

walk out there in your bent-toe snakeskin boots

and... take care of it.

There's no taking care of it.

We're in Florida, Lou is a rapper.

Someone has to take the fall for the pounds and pounds

of marijuana we have on this plane.

So who should it be? The once-in-a-generation talent,

the manager who cleans up all the messes,

or one of the two friends?

All right.

Rock, paper...

You're white.

I owe you one, brah.

Ay, ay, ay, ay

Same squad, same squad, same squad

Droptop coupe, dodge raindrops

Big bag plays on FaceTime

Squad ain't with me then it ain't right

Same squad, same squad, same squad Cross moves quick like A.I.

Chains shine bright like daytime

Ay, ay, ay, ay.

There's some Nerd Rope in the glove if you want.

So we don't talk for six months, and then all of a sudden,

you barge in and invoke Jacksonville?

I needed you, and I knew what you were gonna say.

Fuck you, dude.

Yeah, which is exactly why I invoked Jacksonville.

So at least tell me where we're going.

Ah, bah, bah, burr. Jacksonville.

So we're actually going to Jacksonville?

Buh, buh, buh, buh, burr. Jacksonville.

Oh, I really missed you, dog.

You know, I'm sensing some sarcasm in your voice.

If you really want to know why I needed you, it's because I...

What? So you can come and ruin my life...

again? Well, of course.

Soon as I get my shit together, you just come

and you shit all over it.

And you're fucking toxic, you know that?

Everything bad that's happened to me

in my life is because of you.

Well...

you don't have to be so dramatic about it, Alfonso Streisand.

It'll take two hours, tops,

-which is why I really... -Don't care!

All right? Jacksonville does not include chitchat.

Really? I went to jail for you.

You know what?

Fine. Jacksonville does not include chitchat.

Thank you.

ALF: This place is like fucking True Detective.

The good season that was supposedly plagiarized,

not the one that fucking sucked. What are we doing here?

Nothing. I just got to make a quick, non-shady transaction.

Oh. You're buying drugs.

I should have known that intervention wasn't gonna last.

You mean that ambush you planned for me?

Oh, you know, I'm so sorry that I didn't want you to die.

I was actually concerned.

You were so concerned that you didn't even show up.

And then you ghosted on me for six months.

You know,

maybe I was busy digging myself out of the crater you created

when you sent Courtney a sex tape of me and my cousin.

(rhythmic beeping)

(dog barks in distance)

(line ringing)

LAFONSO: Go for L'fonz!

Hey, Pops. (scoffs) You're not gonna believe this.

Ronnie showed up and cashed in an I.O.U. I couldn't refuse.

So now he's got me in the middle of God-fucking-knows-where

doing God-fucking-knows-what.

Yeah, I honestly might kick his ass.

LAFONSO: Oh, come on, now. I think it's good

you two are hanging out.

Maybe time you, uh, gave him another shot.

Hey, uh... hey, are you eating?

I mean, okay, I know I'm not your sponsor,

but I thought we weren't snacking between meals.

LAFONSO: Hey, now, I'm just...

I'm just chewing some Calorette.

Meal-flavored gum, like Nicorette but for food addicts.

(Lafonso smacks lips)

Oh, sorry.

Uh, is it good?

LAFONSO: Some are better than others.

The chicken Kiev's a little bland.

I like the fajitas.

You know, people can change, son, if you let them.

-(Alfonso munching) -I know.

LAFONSO: Maybe Ronnie's different now, too.

-Nope. -(phone beeps off)

I knew it! I knew it was fucking drugs!

-It's not drugs. -Then what's in your hand?

It's Lou.

-What?! -Well, it's probably like

a tenth of Lou, and maybe even only half of that is Lou.

Amir definitely stepped on it with some dog ashes.

He owns a yes-kill shelter called Amir One Impounds.

Well, I'm gonna need you to run that back,

like, all the way, please.

When I sold Lou's ashes to Amir,

he split them up and sold them

to some presumably very fucked-up people.

Fans are so fucking weird.

-Gross. -So what?

This is your Jacksonville, huh? You just want me to ride along

with you shotgun while you pick up Lou's ashes?

And then we're square?

-Yeah. And do you want to know why? -Nah, man.

Just hurry the fuck up.

Unlike you, I've got a life to get back to.

Wow. Really hit me with both barrels, huh?

Sheesh.

Oh...

King-ah king-ah king-ah king-ah king-ah king-ah Kong

King-ah king-ah king-ah king-ah king-ah king-ah Kong

Let's sing a song

Let's sing a song

Bad, bad, bad King Kong

Bad, bad, bad King Kong

Let's sing a song

Let's sing a song

King-ah king-ah king-ah king-ah king-ah king-ah Kong

King-ah king-ah king-ah king-ah king-ah king-ah Kong

Let's sing a song

Let's sing a song...

ALF: Uh, the fuck is this?

I know we're not speaking right now,

but I thought maybe we could not speak to each other

over a few burgers?

I've-I've got to get back to Courtney, all right?

You said a couple hours. It's been three.

And I just got back from a business trip,

so she's pissed at me not answering my calls or my texts.

Well, it sounds like you're in the doghouse already.

What's another 20 minutes?

Plus, Phil Rosenthal put this burger on his Instagram,

gave it three and a half plotzes.

All right, fine, but no talking, all right?

Just noshing.

Maybe a little fressing.

(instrumental rock music playing)

RONNIE: This place is kind of the real deal, huh?

ALF: Yeah, it's real deal something.

-Get out. -What?

Nah, you look like the guy from the movie Get Out.

I mean, as much as you do, bro.

I mean, that's... What?

(Ronnie chuckles)

You, uh... you're going on business trips now.

Yup.

And you're living with your girl.

Yup. Everything's good.

And the baby.

Yup, baby's good.

Name?

Yup. The baby has a name.

Jesus Christ, man.

It's Jasmine.

That's adorable, man. Good for you.

Thank you.

Is it as hellish as everyone says?

You know, 'cause I couldn't give up my freedom, and I know

Daddy over here needs his 13 hours,

or he's a real Oscar the Grouch.

Actually, I love everything about it.

You know what I mean? You make it sound like it's a jail,

when, really, it's the most profound experience

a human being can go through.

Selflessness.

You should look into it, dawg.

I didn't...

mean to equate parenting to going to jail.

As someone who has been to jail--

Okay, we get it.

All right? You did me a solid many years ago.

I'm here, all right?

I'm paying you back.

I'm doing Jacksonville.

We're about to be square.

Been to jail yesterday.

I got arrested yesterday.

What?

Aw, man.

Brah, what happened?

I, um...

I got busted for selling Oxy.

I'm out on bail.

Whole thing's not great.

But I did flip like a bitch on Amir,

so they think they'll be able to cut me a good deal.

(chuckles) How pissed were your parents

when they had to come bail you out?

Oh, they didn't.

They refused.

Yeah, my mom's still pretty salty

about me ending her marriage

and the lives of Taffy I and II.

And my dad... (clicks tongue)

...my dad was the bait

in the sting operation that brought me down.

(chuckles): Oh, shit. So, wait, so Shayna bailed you out?

(chuckles) Wrong again, my friend.

No, I was using Shayna's storefront as a drug front.

So I think, with the whole debacle,

I ended up costing her about an eight-figure buyout

to Yankee Candle.

Ooh! (chuckles)

I mean, that's a Yankee Candle Doodle Dandy.

(both chuckle)

Do you want to hear what the most unbelievable thing is?

I'm having a hard time believing any of this, man. (chuckles)

Craig bailed me out.

What? How is that old piece of shit?

Well, he's doing this very ill-advised country look.

-(chuckles): Oh, no. -He's managing

the Waylon Jennings estate, I guess. (chuckles)

But, wait, why would he bail you out?

(chuckles)

Well...

do you remember that napkin that we both signed?

Mm-hmm.

Apparently, it was legally binding,

and you and I are the, uh,

co-owners of Lou's hologram.

And Craig wants to take the hologram out on tour

for this, like, dead rapper hologram extravaganza

or something.

Wow.

Wow, wow, wow.

So that's what this is all about, huh?

-What? -You trying to butter me up

so I'll sign away my half of the rights to the hologram?

But I bet-- I bet you thought this was gonna be like one

of those classic road trips, right,

where, like, we start out as enemies,

then slowly become friends,

and then I sell out Lou?

Let me guess--

the minivan's supposed to get more

and more fucked up as we go.

I would never be that cliché.

And, besides, my mom loves that minivan.

If it gets even one scratch on it...

-(exhales) ...she'll kill me. -Bro, straight out

of the script. That's exactly what you're supposed to say.

Relax, guy.

I told Craig no.

Obvi.

I mean, you really think I would do something like that?

Nah, man. I'm sorry.

It's fine. I deserve it.

I've done a lot of really terrible things.

But I'm really working hard to change.

And I just thought maybe if you saw me collect the ashes

and clean up one of my mistakes...

It's cool.

Drinks?

I'm actually fine with some water,

-actually. Thank you. -Water, for me. (chuckles)

(chuckles)

I find that I'm--

maybe it's me getting older, I don't know--

I just don't even think about having a drink.

You know, honestly, me too.

Courtney and I just, like, split a glass of white wine,

if we drink at all.

I'm noticing I've lost some weight in my face.

Yeah, I just find that, like, waking up early in the morning

is just so much easier.

And I don't even miss it, you know?

Once you put a sparkling water in my hand...

It's really just the muscle memory, you know?

-Don't need it to have a good time. -Mm-hmm.

-I could do one drink though. -Just one would be fine,

-I think. -I think one drink is good.

A bottle of red

Oh...

A bottle of white

It all depends

-Upon your -Where you're in

Tonight

Things are okay with me these days

I got a new job, I got a new office

I got a new wife, I got a new life

And the family's fine

Ooh, ooh

Yeah

Brenda and Eddie had had it already

By the summer of '75

From the high to the low to the end of the show

For the rest of their lives

Nobody looked any finer

Or was more of a hit at the Parkway Diner

We never knew we could want more than that out of life

-Oh... -Surely

Brenda and Eddie would always know how to survive

(piano solo)

That's all I heard about Brenda and Eddie

Can't tell you more 'cause I told you already

Here we are waving at Brenda and Eddie good-bye

Oh-oh, oh-oh

Oh-oh...

Sing that song one more fucking time!

That guy just went full nuclear.

I mean, this is America.

Yeah. Like, you don't just... pull out a gun

in place of saying "please."

(phone buzzing)

You're blowing up, kid.

Are you gonna get that?

You know, you can. I won't bother you.

Nah. You know, it... (clicks tongue)

...it's just gonna be, like, a huge thing.

We're having, like, a good time, you know?

Like, listen, I'll call her back later or whatever.

I mean, it's kind of a classic night.

Yeah.

All right.

So... (clears throat)

...let's get this show on the road.

Look out.

Oh, shit.

You really don't drink anymore.

Here we go.

Buddy, man, you're doing a real number on somebody's car.

I mean, in my defense,

does this not look the exact same as my mom's car?

It is uncanny.

I don't think I can drive.

Shit, I know I can't. (chuckles)

All right, let's Uber to a motel or something.

Yeah.

Oh, we should probably move the car to, like,

a non-tow away zone, though.

The bartender didn't seem to be a fan.

Okay.

How 'bout over there? You think we can make it?

ALF: Oh, yeah. That's 20 feet. Easy.

One of us drives, one of us guides.

Bingo, buddy. Oop.

-Still locked. -This one.

ALF: Keep coming.

Just keep com... 'Kay.

Keep coming. Keep coming.

You have tons of room.

I want you to crank it left, 'kay?

To m-- All the way left, man!

Hello?!

Back. Back.

-Back. Back. -Back.

BOTH: Back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back,

back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back.

-Back, back, back, back, back. -Oh, wow! You win.

-You got a real flair for the guidance aspect. -Mm.

-I'll drive. -Okay.

-(engine revs) -Okay! Easy does 'er.

(engine revs)

(Ronnie whooping, laughing)

RONNIE: Look out! Fuck!

-(man shouts) -(woman screams)

(tires screech)

Perfect.

Yo. Question.

Yeah.

So, if your whole plan

was to show that you're a changed dude

by collecting all the ashes, why not

just collect all the ashes and then show up at my door?

You-you know? Why waste your Jacksonville,

like, making me come with?

Well...

I guess I was kind of hoping this would happen.

What, we drink 200 shots

and have a crossing guard competition?

No, that we would hang out.

You know? Stop hating each other.

It's like you said with the road trip thing.

Only...

not going so we could sell our friend's hologram.

So we could be cool with each other again.

And I kind of think that's what happened.

You know what I mean, my dawg?

My dawg?

-(snores) -(chuckles)

(sighs)

(birds singing)

(groans softly)

Alf?

(vehicle approaching)

Hey, I thought you left, dude.

Nah, bud. Just grabbing us a couple coffees.

Hop in.

Did you really think I was gonna just bail on you

when you were asleep?

No.

I mean...

I don't know. No.

No, that's fair. Yeah, no, you're right.

I mean, I did, after all, bail on you for the past six months.

I should've checked in. That's my bad, dawg.

It's okay. We're good, G.

And you are not toxic, brah.

Look, I've got us into plenty of shit myself.

I'm pretty toxic. (laughs)

It's okay.

I'm just glad you're back.

Yeah, totally.

I mean, it got awkward there for a minute.

-Was it a little awkward between us? -Yeah, right?

Like, we were, like, doing, like, small talk and shit.

Who were those guys? I didn't even recognize them.

Ah, we were, like, minutes away

from talking about how small the apartments are in New York.

But still so expensive.

Well, I mean, you're paying for the city.

-Oh, and the pizza. -Yeah.

Which is what I hate about L.A.

You know, you can't find a good slice or a bagel anywhere.

I mean, it's the water, is what it is.

Which is crazy considering we freak the fuck out

when it rains while we're driving.

But we need it.

You know what I don't need?

My waiter at Sugarfish taking my order

like he's auditioning for "Speechless."

Is everybody an actor?

Trust me, bro. No Zawa-way you're gonna make it.

Why don't you just move back in with your edamama

It's peak TV.

There's so many shows and so many platforms.

And yet still nothing to watch.

Just because it's a half hour does not make it a comedy.

And you can't watch the news.

Oh, God! Just when I think it's at its craziest.

Whoopsie doodle, he does it again.

That's why they hate us.

You know what I miss?

I miss being able to walk into a store

and actually touch something before I buy it.

Have you seen this documentary on Netflix?

You know what the problem is?

Every kid gets a trophy nowadays.

(both laugh)

Ugh.

Is that what normal people sound like?

-I guess. (laughs) -Ugh.

Fucking lame.

Normals are terrible.

(both laugh)

You were gonna bail on me, though, right?

Yes, I was.

I woke up to, like, eight missed calls from Courtney

and, like, 1,000, like, all-caps text messages,

and that's like...

Bought two cups of coffee for the long drive home,

and I just...

just couldn't do it, man.

Had to come back for my boy.

(chuckles softly)

Look, man, there's only one more stop,

and it's back in town anyway.

Why don't I just drop you at Courtney's

and finish up myself?

And as far as Jacksonville goes...

we're square.

Nah, dawg. Fuck it. I'm in.

Let's go get Lou back.

Besides, I mean, I'm in such deep shit anyway,

what's another 20 minutes gonna do?

I mean, you can always just blame it on me.

No, yeah, man. I already did.

She fucking hates your guts, brah.

That's fair.

Oh, you almost got me

Yes, I was starting to dum

Oh, then I remembered...

What? Not that! Now put gas, bro.

-Which one? Which one? -Gas!

Was my greatest contender...

(both laugh)

Should we freak out this white couple?

Yeah.

Throw it all at me

Never, ever, ever gonna stop till I'm free...

(both laugh)

You can give me all you got

Can throw it all at me

Never, ever, ever gonna stop till I'm free

I'm sticking to my guns

Till my work is done

Yeah, yeah, I'm sticking to my guns

Till my work is done...

A Jew and a black guy.

(both laugh)

Sticking to my guns

Sticking to my guns...

Last one.

Can't believe the minivan made it all the way here intact.

Hmm. Cue lightning strike.

-Timber. -(chuckles)

Massive Illinois sinkhole swallows Honda Odyssey whole.

Maybe nothing bad will happen on this trip.

Wait a minute.

Isn't this Chevalier's house?

I mean, you said it yourself.

Fans are weird.

Hey, homie G's.

"Join me in the man cave, won't you?

Hehehe.

I hate hehehe.

-We got to stop with hehehe. -Agreed.

(knocks on door)

-Hey, girl. -Hey, girl.

Hey, you found it! Uh, come on, come on in.

What's going on? Have a drink.

No, no, no. Just, uh... just the ashes.

We're in a bit of a rush.

What... is this place?

It's great, right?

I mean, fully stocked with top-shelf booze

and decorated top to bottom

with all Lou official memorabilia.

It's great, it's like, uh, Planet Hollywood, except better.

(chuckling): If you can believe that.

So, come on, come on, come on, one drink.

Uh, nah, man. Uh, we're good.

Like I said, we got to motor.

Okay, well, um, let me-- let me rephrase, then.

Uh, no drink, no ashes.

I can do one drink.

-It's Europe somewhere, right? -Yeah, I mean, like,

-you know, I'm not a monster. -Yeah, nice!

(bottle opens)

So, you're pretty, um... a major collector, huh?

Yes, sir.

Oh, cool. You even got

a replica albino Burmese python like Jake.

No, that-that is Jake.

No, it's not Jakey! Jake The Snake. The SnakeRoberts.

Oh, hey, buddy. It's Dad. Oh.

-ALF: He looks fit. -Yeah, he was not cheap.

Had to fly all the way to the Middle East to get him.

Yeah, some Saudi sheikh bought him

off of the Deep Web or something. I don't know.

(chuckles)

Is that a lock of my hair?

Indeedy do, it is. Got that in a silent auction.

The one that you did for Lox For Love,

the Jewish deli that donates all its proceeds to cancer research.

It's cool, huh?

Yes.

Oh, my God. Is that the outfit Lou was wearing when he died?

Yes, sir. Look at that.

What is this?

Ooh, this--

prize of the collection.

This is the actual tile

that split Lou's skull open.

Damn.

Still some brain splatter on it and everything.

Yeah, it's in mint condition.

Ooh, cheers.

Uh, thank you so much. I think we need to go now.

Yeah, we can take those ashes, please.

Oh, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I didn't show you the coolest thing.

-Check this out. -Oh, shit!

-Oh, fuck. -Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

This is the actual gun

that Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittendon

and Lou got into that Mexican standoff with.

-It's still loaded. -Fuck. Please.

So, come on.

Can we please get lit?

(whimpers)

Burn that mic one time when I touch floor

Not really with it, so I come up...

You know what I hate? You know what I hate?

What you hate?

What has happened to Stevie's hair.

I know. I know.

It is a Shonda.

Bud, let's go ahead and toss a hat on there.

Bro, for real. And no advisor?

-What's the...? -Nobody's like, "Hey, man."

We need the Predator-length style

that starts at the top?

At the midhead.

-Midhead, there. -I mean,

you-you want to... We-we...

You can make a-an all bad hair team.

Stevie Wonder.

-God, he's got a lot. -He's running point on that.

He's running point, you know.

Puttin' in the time before they put me in the earth

This is nothing, I be racking up bars with a gun

I said the vision 'cause me razor never cut me with a bat.

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