All language subtitles for Champaign ILL s01e08 111Cherry Vintage Rascal.eng

(birds singing)

Mm.

Hey, you.

Hey to you, mister.

(sniffs)
Oh. Is that you?

No, it's definitely you.

Mm, and it's bad, too.

No, it was me
last night.

I mean, you got
to remember that.

It was awful.

Yeah, but it was me
in the middle of the night.

That was as nasty as anything
I've ever experienced.

Yeah, you're right.

Crept into my dreams
through my nostrils.

(laughs)

Okay, my turn.

It's all you.

(baby crying)

Oh, there you go.

(sniffs)

Oh, you're so small.
It makes no sense.

(indistinct chatter on TV)

(laughs)

(gargles)

(laughs)

Friendly fire.

(both laugh)

Okay, so I put your latest
milky offerings in the freezer,

older stuff in the fridge,

and then there's a week's
worth of food for Mom.

Uh, I hope you like turkey
chili. It's mostly that

in different sized
Tupperware containers.

Uh, I don't know whether
to be grateful or offended.

Alfie, I can
take care of myself.

I'm sorry. I just...

I guess I'm anxious about,
like, leaving you and Jasmine.

You know, I don't
want to miss anything.

(laughs) You're gonna
be gone for one day.

I know, but, like,
what if I come back,

and she looks
like Uncle Drew?

(laughs)
Just go, okay?

Everything will be just as
you left it when you get back.

Except for one thing.

Um... I think
I might be... ready.

(laughs) Well, like...
like ready, ready?

Yeah, player. (laughs)

Well, uh, how do
you know I'm ready?

Uh, because we haven't
smashed since high school,

and you're tenting your Bonobos.

Oh, yeah. No, I have
a full erection.

Snuck up on me.
I guess I am ready.

(door opens)

Dad?

Dad? You ready?

You bet I am.

-(both laugh)
-ALF: Ooh!

Is that Chris Tucker
I see on that Rascal?

Who would have thought
I'd be able to fit

-in my old triple-XLs?
-Who would have thought

the Briggs boys would be going
on a business trip together?

(both laughing)

You know, I... I haven't
been back in ten years.

But I should warn you,

these things used to be
a bit of a bacchanal.

What? I'm sorry.

The Midwest Regional
Telemarketing Conference?

Oh, yeah.

It's pretty much an orgy
of food and... orgies.

-Oh.
-I mean, telemarketers

are like house cats.

Once you take 'em outside,
ooh, boy, do they meow.

Um, which means...

that you and me have to
have each other's backs.

Dad, I'm pretty sure
we're out of the woods, right?

-(both laugh)
-We got this.

That's a throw to a smash cut
if I've ever heard one.

Huh?

Ah, never mind.
Don't worry about it.

Breakfast!

(sighs)

(inhales deeply)

Um,

I got to tell ya,

Jamiroquai last night at
Ravinia-- they still got it.

I assume. I've never
heard of them before.

And next Tuesday,

John Mayer and
the Heartbreakers.

You should come with us.

Uh, I think I have work,
but maybe.

You've really stuck
with this job, kiddo.

I'm so proud of you.

Thanks. I mean, I feel good.

ALANA:
Morning, boys.

Ah.

Good morning,
fair lady. And, um,

how did you sleep
last night?

Barely.

(chuckles loudly, moans)

ALANA: Get in there.
All right, get out of there.

(Burt laughs)

Ronnie.

Good morning, Alana.

Good morning, Ronnie.

Come on, Ronnie.

We went to high school together.
It's a little weird for me.

-Ronnala.
-Dad, you've only

-been dating for six weeks.
-I know.

And guess what?
True love.

-Oh.
-So could you please just...

try it once for me?

It would mean
a lot to me.

Good morning, Mom.

(chuckles)

I'm actually okay
with him not calling me that.

Fuego, fuego, fuego

Fuego, fuego,
fuego

Fuego, fuego, fuego

Fuego, fuego,
fuego

Fuego, fuego, fuego

Wow. They really
love you, Dad. (chuckles)

You okay?

I just never thought I'd be
fit enough to get back here.

Yeah. You're
basically wasting away

in telemarketer-itaville.

(chuckles)

Look, don't worry about
that junk food, Dad.

Look, in your trunk, I packed
a temptation emergency kit.

It's got Sabra singles,
kale chips...

LESTER:
I'll be goddamned!

Lafonso. Welcome
back, big man.

-Lester. Long time.
-Yeah.

Don't worry. Not much been
going on for the last decade.

Just my back-to-back,
to back-to-back, to back-to-back

to back, to back surgery,
year off, to back, to back

Telemarketer of the Year awards.

(pops lips)
No biggie, really.

Kudos, Lester.

I read all about it
in the circular,

but I was never in it
for the hardware.

Yeah. Thank God for you.

Aren't you gonna introduce me
to your boy toy?

Actually, I'm just his toy.

His boy. I'm his son.

Look, time's up
on gay jokes, dude.

Meow, young blood.

Come on. Lester Noyce.

Noyceto meet you.

(laughs)
By the way,

this is one sweet
vintage Rascal.

ALF:
Actually, it's not vintage.

It's a 2019 Frontier Sport.

Eight miles per hour.
Top of the line.

'19, huh? You
seen the '20s?

Touch-screen
entertainment system,

completely redesigned
aerodynamic body,

-nine miles an hour.
-(Alf laughs)

Yeah, we might fucks with one
of them when they drop.

Oh. Let me know.

I got a buddy who can hook
you up before they come out.

Come on, son.
We need to check in.

Anyhoo, really nice
to see you boys.

Have fun.

Why don't you call
your friend right now?

I don't need
a new scooter.

Yeah.

Why don't you listen
to your dad, son?

He doesn't want
to spend the money.

(laughs)
But I do.

Why don't you get your
friend on the phone

-right now?
-All right.

I guess you win.

Actually...
(clicks tongue) I win.

Told you I'd get that credit
card within two minutes.

-Noyce!
-That's it, baby!

-(laughter)
-MAN: Pay up!

Welcome to the
show, rook.

Drive safe.

Pay up, chumps.

What just happened?

I haven't been
this turned around

since my night
with Orlando Bloom.

There's no shame in being taken

by the Moist Voice
Rolls-Royce, Lester Noyce.

My rookie year,
I gave him

$2,500 in traveler's
checks for an Apple

2-GQ.

There is no Apple 2-GQ.

Well, yeah, I-I knew that.

That seems like
a pretty obvious scam, Dad.

WOMAN:
Thank you.

(indistinct chatter)

You want to give your mom
a happy Mother's Day?

Well, eight ounces of Coconut
Beach will get that job done.

But if you want to give
your mom a Mother's Day

that'll be burned into her
memory and nostrils forever,

and make her forget the time
you called her a bitch,

may I suggest 54 ounces
of Brambleberry Pie?

Forget her birthday?
Steppin' out? Or just 'cause?

Doesn't matter. The answer's
the same: Reclaimed Driftwood.

You only get one chance
to say good-bye, Lydia,

and I'm not gonna let it smell
like shit-- Leather Breeze.

Smokey Lexus.

"Vanilla Sky" sucked.

(sniffs)

Mmm. Loafers.

Back Of The Bar Mitzvah Bus.

A Suit Made Out Of Terra Cotta.

Well. Wow. (laughs)

Well, I'm actually in the
market for one of your

Umbrellas Of
Deauville candles.

Why?

What do you want with an
Umbrellas Of Deauville candle?

Alana and her friends--
they're really into candles.

Dad, do you ever wonder why
Alana is so interested in...?

Absolutely not. No.

Son, you never
question true love.

You just do whatever
you can to keep it.

Which... brings me
back to this candle.

Oh, come on, Ron.

I know you were selling
these to other people.

I'll look like a real hero
if I show up with one of these.

-Fine.
-Oh.

Great. How much
do I owe you?

Your money's no good here, Dad.

Thanks, son.

You take care, you crazy kids.

Ronnie!

Food court. Now.

Welcome to the 2019
Midwest Regional

Telemarketers Convention
Awards Ceremony Luncheon.

(cheering)

Thank you so much.

Let's give a big shout-out...

Listen, kiddo, we had a great
year. Let that be enough.

I mean, these awards
are meaningless.

What do I always say?

"For the love of the call
or not at all."

Now, our first award
of the night

is the one that I know
you're all waiting for,

-so why make you wait?
-LAFONSO: When have you ever seen

an industry that
celebrates itself so much?

Yeah. No wonder
they hate us on the coasts.

It's all so self-important,
self-fellating,

self-aggrandizing and...

-and overly politicized.
-Mm-hmm.

The 2019 Telemarketer
of the Year goes to...

-Well, ah, this is me.
-Honestly, kid,

let's just go.

I mean, this is so gross.

...Lafonso Briggs!

-(cheering)
-Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! (laughs)

This is all I ever wanted.

I did it. I did it!

I did it!
(laughing)

Oh...
(laughs)

I did it. I did it!
(laughing)

PRESENTER: We've got something
for you right over here.

Look at that.

Oh!

(laughs)

PRESENTER:
Say a few words.

Oh. Oh, apologies
if I go long,

but this-this has been
30 years in the making.

Telemarketing.

is for trust.

Now, if you don't
trust the product,

how is the client
gonna trust you?

(soft laughter)

-is for excuses.
-Uh, sir?

Make 'em,

and you won't make
it up here. (laughs)

Are you trying
to interrupt me?

is for love.

I...

Like the love I have
for my son, Alfonso.

Without his unconditional love,
I wouldn't be standing here,

or at all.

I love you, Alfie!

I'm proud of you, Pop!

Now,is for excellence!

No, I'm-I'm-I'm sorry, sir.

There has been a mistake.

-LAFONSO: What?
-I knew it.

PRESENTER:
Alfonso Briggs.

You won
Telemarketer of the Year.

(people gasping)

It's not a joke.
This is not a joke.

I'm-I'm sorry,
I read the wrong thing.

Alfonso Briggs
won Telemarketer of the Year.

FEMALE PRESENTER: And the award
for Best Newcomer goes to...

Yes! Lafonso's baby boy,
Alfonso Briggs. Whoo!

The award for Best Call
goes to...

Here we go again.
Alfonso Briggs.

And the award for Best Actor As
Their Own Supervisor goes to...

(gasps) I've heard all
of his calls,

and I cannot wait
to work with him.

Mr. Alfonso Briggs!

(cheering)

Yes!
(chuckles): Hey.

Wow. (chuckles)

I mean,
I don't know what to say.

I guess, wow.

Uh, I guess
the only thing I can say

is I promise to keep on
rockin' and rollin'

and making better calls.

(cheering)

You know, these calls we make,

sometimes they can be
considered, you know,

like, annoying or something
by some people.

But I don't think that's true.

You know, these calls we make,
they can be better.

They can help.
They really can. I mean that.

We can always be better.

So I promise to keep on trying
if you keep trying.

Let's keep on rockin'
and rollin', man.

(cheers and applause)

With you I'm not shy

To show the way I feel

With you I might try

Yeah!

My secrets to reveal

For you are a magnet

Yeah!

Look, Shayna, I'm really sorry
I gave Dad that candle for free.

Just take it out of my
paycheck, whatever.

Ronnie, I just have one
simple question for you.

Who are you, and what have you
done with my brother?

-(laughs)
-What?

It's like, nice to meet you.
My name is Shayna.

What's your name?

'Cause you look a lot
like my twin brother,

except you're really great.

You're kind, thoughtful.

You've even managed to take
our most foul candle,

Umbrellas Of Deauville,

and somehow turn it into
a bestseller.

Who are you?

I mean, I, uh, I guess I
have to answer that question

with a question:
who are you?

And where is
my sister Shayna?

Because whoever I'm talking to
is actually very cool.

Well, Shayna's always been
pretty cool, too.

It's more Ronnie, her brother,
who was the difficult one.

(laughs)

Yeah, I have no dog
in this fight.

As we've established, I'm not
Ronnie, Shayna's not here.

Mm-mmm.

But I do remember
Shayna being

a little bit of a total
bitch all the time.

Well, that was in reaction
to Ronnie's behavior,

which was aggressively shitty
since the day they were born.

Probably because he has
body issues,

specifically with his dick.

(laughs)
Body issues.

Yeah.

Are you having a laugh?

-Yeah.
-Is she having a laugh?

Because I seem
to remember Shayna

pulling the trigger to make
weight for figure skating.

Only it didn't matter.

She just didn't
have the talent.

Shayna had the talent, okay?!
She just blew out her knee.

I heard she blew way more
than just, out her knee.

(clicks tongue)

This coming from the guy
whose entire cabin

jacked each other off
at Ojibwa.

We didn't jack
each other off!

We showed each other
our own come.

How many times?

Look, this is not why
I called this meeting.

Then why am I here?

As hard as this is
for me to admit...

you coming home
was the best thing

that has happened
to this family.

Mom and Dad are so much
happier apart,

and us working together
has been really great.

Thanks.

And I hate to admit this,

but I actually really like
working here with you.

Well, unfortunately, you won't
be working here anymore.

Wow.

This has been a roller coaster
of a meeting.

I'm not firing you, Ronnie.

I'm selling the Candle Wagon.

For the last few months,
I've been negotiating

with Yankee Candle!
(laughs)

And it's kind of
a ton of money.

They're coming tomorrow morning
to just sign some papers,

and take all the inventory,
and take the reins.

Well, mazel tov.
For real, mazel tov.

Well, mazel tov back at you.

Because I'm making you
a minority shareholder.

After everything's
said and done, it'll be

more than enough money
to cover

all your credit card debt
and then some.

Wow.

Shayna, I-I... I don't
really know what to say.

Say you'll join me
for a celebratory drink?

Mudslides on this guy.

You know what?
Uh, you go,

and I'll stay and
clean up the wagon.

Make sure the inventory
in the stock room

is perfect for tomorrow.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Okay. I guess
I'll knock off early?

Wow.
(laughs)

Go spend some of that
Yankee Candle money.

You know, there is
a Marshalls over there,

and I have had my eye
on this Kipling luggage.

I hope it's the one
with the monkeys on it.

-Oh, they all have
the monkeys on it. -Good.

(singers scatting )

You've got to start
at the bottom

If you're ever gonna
reach the top

You've gotta watch
your facetious soul

Don't let 'em go to pot,
you've gotta

Live by the golden rule

Heed what they teach
in the Sunday school

Start at the bottom

If you're ever gonna
reach the top

When Jacob climbed
his ladder

He started at the bottom

He climbed and he climbed,
and, Lord, he prayed

The devil never got him

Start at the bottom

If you're ever gonna
reach the top

You've gotta start
at the bottom

If you're ever gonna
reach the top.

(laughing)

That speech you made was,
like, straight out of a movie.

It was.

I ripped it off word-for-word
from Boogie Nights. (laughs)

-We did, too!
-We did, too!

-Yes!
-LAFONSO: Well, uh, I-I... I'm-I'm gonna

head up, son.
Um, time to call it a night.

-Oh, boo.
-GIRLS: Boo.

Come on, Dad, one more.

(clears throat)

Excuse me.

Look, son,

there's a lot
of triggers here...

for the both of us.

Who, them?

I mean, they're fine,
but I'll be fine, too.

But what if you're not?
Why risk it?

I'm sorry, Dad,

but it sort of feels like

you're trying
to end my celebration,

not because of our triggers,

but because this has been
really hard on you.

And I get that, and I understand
and I'm sorry.

Look, I'll be fine, okay?
I promise.

Enjoy yourself.

Thanks, Dad.

Hey, dead man rolling!

-The movie?
-Yeah.

Yeah. Here you go. That cost
an arm and a leg. Ouch.

Yeah. All right, guys,
so where was I?

(clears throat)
Oh, that's right.

-Celebrity impersonations.
Mm-hmm. -Ooh.

I don't know any.

(whoops)
Whoo-wee!

That is
a strong Mudslide.

I better pump
the brakes.

FEMALE PRESENTER: I can't wait
for you to see our room.

They upgraded us
to a parking lot view king.

It's really, really sick.

ALF:
Dad.

I thought you went to bed.
What are you doing here?

Uh...

I came down to keep you
from making a huge mistake.

Courtney. Jasmine.

(exhales)

Wow.

I, uh...

I didn't realize how much
I needed that. Thank you.

-Ladies, uh,
-Um...

thank you, but I must bid you
a fine morrow.

-Lester. (grunts)
-Yeah.

Come on, Dad.

-(sighs)
-Yeah.

F-Full disclosure, ladies,
I'm married.

I'm sorry.

Man, that was
such a close call.

Dad, how'd you know
to come back down for me?

Addicts recognize
other addicts.

I'm sorry
about the awards.

Oh, nonsense.

I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of you.

Dad, you had a really tough day,
and you didn't break.

-Can I tell you something?
-What?

You're my hero.

-Bring it in.
-(grunting)

All right.
Good night, Dad.

-Love you.
-Good night.

MAN (over P.A.):
Attention, employees.

The time is 6:00 a.m.
and the mall

will be opening in two hours.

(yawns)

-I am seriously
shaking right now. -(laughs): I see.

I feel like Bridget Fonda
in "It Could Happen to You."

-Pinch me!
-Really?

-Yes. Do it. Ah!
-Okay.

-Too much?
-SHAYNA: Not enough.

WOMAN: We are so excited
that we finally landed

on a number
that works for everyone.

SHAYNA:
I would've done it for less,

-but... oh.
-Oh, well, really?

Wow, Ron, did you stay here
all night to make sure

everything was set
for the handoff?

Made a promise.

Claire, I would like you to meet

not only my MVP employee,
but my bro.

Looks like he was really burning
the candle at both ends, huh?

-(both laugh)
-Candle humor.

-I love it.
-Okay, well,

I guess all we have left to do
here is sign on the dotted line.

-Yes, please.
-BURT: Oh!

There you kids are.

Wouldn't you know it,

no one is manning the Wagon,
and I really need a candle.

-Oh.
-So, uh, could I have

an Umbrellas of Deauville,
please?

Uh, Daddy, we're kind of
in the middle of something.

Actually, I wanted it
to be a surprise, but I...

Oh, good,
k-keep it that way.

I love surprises.

Um, but where would
that candle be?

-Dad, let's go for a walk.
-Uh, no.

I don't want
to go for a walk.

I gave you
a fresh candle yesterday.

(whispers): But Alana and her
friends burned through it faster

than I was expecting.

Look, son,
I'm not an idiot, okay?

I know Alana's
a lot younger than me,

and she really shouldn't be
with me at all, but right now,

I am happier
than I've been in decades.

So give me

a goddamn
Umbrellas of Deauville.

Dad, I am actually really,
really happy for you.

It's just, we don't
have any of those

specific candles right now.

Uh, Ron, there's
one in your hand.

Perfect. There's the money!

DEA! Put your hands
where I can see them.

-Dad!
-BURT: I'm sorry, son.

-But Alana was busted
with your pills. -Ow.

Oh, God.

I've lost everything.

I-I can't lose her, too.

Alana Feinerman is not worth it.

She jerked me off in the back
of a Jeep Liberty

my sophomore year.

I'm sorry, Ronnie.
I'm sorry.

Ow! That's tight.

You sold drugs in my candles?

I just needed
to make enough money

to give myself a fresh start.

You don't deserve
a fresh start.

You deserve consequences,
for all the shit you fucked up.

I'm sorry.

We'll be in touch, ma'am.

Claire.
(chuckles)

(mouthing)

Do you have any family members
that you'd like to call?

No.

Any friends?

No.

(lock clicks)

Hey, baby.

Whoa.

-Did you rob a trophy store?
-Ha.

(chuckles): Oh, no, uh,
just got very lucky.

Or I'm a natural.

You know, or the expectations

in this profession
aren't very high.

Don't sell yourself short.
You worked hard.

So, listen,

the baby's gonna be asleep
for the next 30 minutes,

so, uh, you ready to put in
some real work?

Oh, yeah, I mean, I guess, uh, I
could puree some sweet potatoes,

maybe do a load of laundry.

Oh, shit. Uh...

Yes. Yes, I am.

Ooh.

(knocking)

(sighs)

Okay.

Ha, ha, ha!

(knocking)

What the fuck
are you doing here?

I need you to come with me
right now. It's an emergency.

(scoffs) What?
Hell fucking no.

I know that everything
that comes out of my mouth

sounds like a joke,
and that's a gift and a burden,

but I-I need you
to come with me right now.

Bro...

I don't see you
for six fucking months,

and all of a sudden you just
show up here, expecting me

-to drop everything?
-Jacksonville.

What did you just say?

Jacksonville.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

-Fine.
-What's going on?

Hey, Courtney.

Ooh.

Uh...

I'm sorry, but I have to go.

Wait, right now?

Is this a joke?

No. I mean, I wish it was.

But I made, like, a...
I made this promise.

But I'm sorry.

Okay, so... Wai... I mean,
w-when are you gonna be back?

Oh, hell no.

(inhales sharply)

The top of a match.

Mm. Don't tell Daddy.

An old nickel.

Don't tell Mommy.
An airport restroom.

I don't know why they'd make
this, but Grandpa's breasts.

A timeshare.

A weighted blanket.

Non-alcoholic sake.

Gayle King.

Loose meat.

Phantom limb.

Mayor David Dinkins.

New house.

Crootchkies and cream.

The smell
when you rip the plastic

off a brand-new iPhone.

Clean diaper.

(inhales sharply)

Dirty diaper.

The whole buffalo.

Kevin Hart's size.

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