All language subtitles for Champaign ILL s01e06 121.eng

Hey, Mom, I came as soon
as I got your message.

You found $5,000 of
bar mitzvah money and...

What in the living room fuck

is this?

Hello, Ronald.

Please take a seat

You got to look at the card
to remember that?

BURT: (clears throat)
Ronald...

;It is with great
love and respect

-that we have
all come here -No.

No, miss me with this bullshit.

I'm just here to get
my money, which I earned

the day I became a man,

l'dor v'dor, and then
I will leave you alone.

-There is no bar mitzvah money.
-RONNIE: What?!

It was a very thin lie.

Frankly, we're all pretty
shocked you fell for it.

Well, I'm sorry if I'm gullible,
Shayna, when my mother tells me

that the trees that were planted
in Israel in my name

have struck oil
with their roots.

And now I got to sit here
and be intervened upon

by a bunch
of normcore snowflakes.

AGNES: This isn't
an intervention.

-This is a gathering of
-(door opens, closes)

ZACK:
Hello! So sorry I am late.

Did the intervention
already start?

Chevalier is here?!

What the fuck does this guy
have to say about everything?

This intervention is hell.

BURT: It is not
an intervention.

It is a gathering of
concerned friends and family.

We are begging you.
Please stay.

I'll stay...

if you guys can come up
with $10,000 cash for me.

-Hold on.
-Really?

-Let's go. What do you got?
-Just a minute. Uh...

You got any money, Chevalier?

-Don't have my wallet.
-Okay, go get that wallet then.

I'll take a Bitcoin
if you got it.

That's not a physical currency.

Okay, so mentally give it to me.

-I've got $64.
-I'll take it.

-Uh, I've got,
I've got seven in cash. -I'll-- yeah.

-And the wallet. It's Fossil.
-RONNIE: No, fuck yourself.

$75 in Candle Cash.

It can be used at all five
of our locations.

Some restrictions apply.

You got 20 minutes,

which started when
I came through the door,

so now you have 17-- 16 minutes.

Ronnie, your behavior
of the last two weeks

has been extremely
self-destructive.

And destructive-destructive.

And we feel that it may be
because you have a problem.

All right. Does anybody
want any dip? Because, uh,

my wife usually only makes it
for the Super Bowl.

I don't have a pill problem.

I don't know what everyone
is talking about.

Uh, no one said anything
about pills, Ron.

What a gotcha moment.

We will now go
around the room

and each tell
how your problem...

This dip has seven layers.

That's like one for
every day of the week.

...has hurt us. Burt?

(clears throat)

Make sure you're all tucked in
first before you get into this.

For me, this whole
mishegas began

two weeks ago.

I'll visit your new apartment
when I'm good and goddamn ready!

Okay, I love you, too, Dad.

(phone beeps)

Where the fuck you been?

Uh, I was at the dentist.

That's where I got this
sticker from. Proof.

-'Cause I was a big boy.
-Oh.

Hey, are we still getting
laughed at on the Internet

because we got our asses kicked
by a bunch of children?

Actually, it's calmed
down a little.

-(grunting)
-(pop music playing)

-Holy crap! (shouts)
-(laughing)

(speaking Korean, laughing)

(laughter)

I can't remember if raining
dicks is a compliment in Korea,

but I'm gonna
take it as one.

Yeah, that whole region's

kind of hard to pin
down right now, so...

Maybe the universe is trying
to tell us something.

Maybe we really
need to, like,

rethink this whole, like,
comeback attack, you know?

Or... is a comeback
even possible?

All we wanted was to be part of
the conversation again, right?

Now we are.

I mean, is the conversation
extremely demeaning?

-Very hurtful.
-A lot of violent, sexual imagery.

Some race trolling in there.

And the anti-Semites have
come out of the woodwork.

Doesn't take much.

And a word to the wise,
do not engage.

My mother got swatted.

See? People hate our guts.

So what?

People hated Tonya
Harding's guts.

She got nominated
for an Academy Award.

The handsome felon?

He put a baby
in a Topshop heiress.

Mel Gibson is
in a studio comedy

as, like, a silver fox.

-Yeah, with, like, a dark tan.
-In that movie,

women turn around
and whistle as he walks by.

I mean, it is bananas.

A pack! Motherfucker
said, a pack

and America was
just like, Okay;

If that balding, New Zealand
Nazi can ride a rainbow

of N-words and K-bombs
and C-splats

to the front of a studio
tent pole, which, by the way,

was universally beloathed,

we can certainly
cash in on this.

Dude.

We're not getting
a studio comedy.

No, I know, I know.
That's been made clear to me,

like, even if we were to camera
test and come really close,

but you know what
we are getting?

A ton of DMs and messages.

Yeah, we discussed this.

They are very hurtful.

Not all. Some are opportunities.

This cat Amir hit me up.
He owns, like, a bunch of clubs.

Says he has
a lucrative offer for me.

I'm sure it's like
some club appearance.

Yeah. I mean, appearancing
is the new performing.

Right? I mean, unless...

unless, like, you're not...

in this crew anymore.

No, no, you right, you right.

I don't know
what I was thinking.

Well, then let's go see
this Amir guy.

Yeah. You know, I'm in.

Ooh, but you know what,

I got to go get
this consultation

with an orthodontist,

'cause it's a recommendation
from my dentist.

If you ask me, whole thing's
a dang ole racket.

Yeah, no, you got to
take care of that shit.

-That's like your calling card.
-Yeah.

I'll go talk to Amir.

He won't even know what hit him.

Just like that cop who
pulled over Mel Gibson.

-Ha-ha, nice!
-(laughs)

Fuck.

(hip-hop music playing quietly)

-Hey, yo, Amir.
-Ronnie.

I don't got a lot of time,
so I'm not gonna jerk you off,

and I expect you not
to jerk me off, either.

Okay.

For a ten-minute
club appearance,

I'm charging 30K.

For 20 minutes, 80K.

Want the whole
half hour? 225K.

-Seems expensive.
-It is expensive,

but I'm giving you a
howler of a deal here.

Okay, just let me stop you
right there, all right?

Let me stop you from
fucking interrupting me.

I'm also gonna need a car
back and forth to the venue.

G-Wagon or higher. And
some vodka for backstage,

-Belvedere or higher.
-Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie.

All my businesses
are drug fronts.

I don't care about anything
you're talking about.

Amir, I thought we
said we weren't gonna

jerk off in front
of each other?

My furniture store is called
Amir One Imports.

My club is called
Amir Club Imports.

I'm not even trying, man.

I brought you here
to sell drugs.

(groans)

You want me to be
a two-bit drug dealer?

When I saw Ronnie Pockets
embarrass himself on Instagram,

it got me thinking.

This well-connected idiot
with loose morals

could sell my drugs to his
moron, famous friends.

I do have famous friends.
You're right about that.

But what makes you think
I'd want to sell drugs,

especially if I'm making
over 100K per club appearance?

Because you don't.

That is true.

Listen, why don't you take these
five Oxys for the weekend?

Let me know what you think.

Oh, no, no, no.

I-I really, uh...

I'm gonna need at least ten
to get a feel for the product.

No.

All right. How about nine?

Get the fuck out of my store.

-(snoring)
-(knocking on door)

RONNIE (slurring):
Hey, Dad.

I'm so sorry that I'm
a little tardy for the party.

Hey. Uh...

You made it. Uh...

Welcome to
my new place.

Better late than never, huh?

What? You said be here at 4:00.

Why you got to be such a time
cop about half a dozen minutes?

We were supposed to meet
at 4:00 p.m., not 4:00 a.m.

Doesn't matter. It's fine.

It's fine. I'm glad you're here.

Uh, let me make you, uh,

a-a nice pod of coffee.

Nah, I'll shit my pants
if I have that. Thank you.

Uh, well, have
a look around.

This is it!

Want to show you.

I mean, you know,
it's not much,

but it's got everything
that I need,

everything I need.

I mean, a bed,
a window...

uh, loads of
closet space.

Um, bathroom down the hall.

It's shared.

Uh, washer/dryer
also down the hall.

Also shared.

Um, the hall is shared.

Ample street parking.

The landlord does have

a 10:00 p.m. noise curfew.

And... you know what, but,
though, that's okay for me

because it really allows me

to focus on my big second act.

Now, I-I-I got to tell
you, little buddy,

I have not felt this good
about my life in years.

(chuckles) Ow.

But most of all,

I really want you to feel

like this place
is your home, too.

Yeah.

It was my home.

And this was my bedroom.

And then you
gave it to Taffy,

and it became
Taffy's room.

A-And that landlord
that you're referring to,

that's Mom.

Okay, um, look,

I understand that you're
still stressed out

about your mother and me
splitting up, so...

(scoffs) I don't care.

Ron, are you okay?

Am I okay?

Are you okay, Dad?

I mean, I love you,

but look around man.

Your life fuggin' sucks.

There's not gonna
be a second act.

And the show's over.

Tracey Ullman style.
(British accent): Go home

You know?

Put on a bathrobe,
clear-clear the joint out.

This is temporary.

I hate to break it
to you, Dad, but...

you're so old,
that if you fall,

you're gonna die.

(dog toy squeaks)

AGNES: Keep it down, Herbert!
It's past curfew!

BURT: And, you know,
that really hurt me, Ronnie.

I am in a fragile
place right now.

Didn't happen. Fake news.

Who's next?
Anybody got anything?

You? You got swatted.

Your beef is not with me, it's
with Guccifer69 or whoever.

My grievance is on behalf
of Taffy 2.

-Hey, yo, Alfy boy.
-ALF (over phone): Ah, what's up, dawg?

(slurring): You know how Oxy is,
like, the greatest thing

to happen to anyone ever

'cause it makes all
your problems feel like

they're a million miles away,

and people keep dying
because it's too good

and they're babies?

Well, what if we did
vape pens for Oxy?

That way, all day long,

you could just inconspicuously
take little hits

off that motherfucker

till you're good
and properly faded up.

ALF: I'm sorry, I'm just
playing catch-up here.

Uh, what are you
slurring about?

We're pivoting, bro.

We're gonna fucking solve
the opioid epidemic

with Oxy microdosing,
and Oxy macrodosing

for more experienced
users like myself.

We're gonna become a couple
chill Martin Shkrelis, dude.

-Thoughts?
-(Alf screams)

I will take that
bloodcurdling scream as a yes.

-Shkrelis it is.
-(phone beeps)

Amir, let's get down
to brass tacks

and not shoot our loads
up into the ceiling.

Money. Do you have my money?

I'm gonna need all the pills
that you have.

You still haven't paid me
for the 50 that I fronted you.

Not to mention the original five
that I floated you.

Floated, fronted,
it's-it's-it's--

they're so close, I don't know
whi-which means which.

And the truth is
I don't have any money.

-Motherfucker!
-Whoa...

(stammering)

What I do have is something
better than money.

Don't waste my
fucking time, Ronnie.

Il Lou's remains.

Okay.

Let's Hear It for the Boy
by Deniece Williams playing)

Now we're talking.

My baby, he don't talk sweet

He ain't got much to say

But he loves me,
loves me, loves me

I know that
he loves me anyway

And maybe
he don't dress fine

But I don't really mind

'Cause every time
he pulls me near

I just want to cheer

Let's hear it for the boy

Let's give the boy a hand...

(coughing, straining):
Oh, baby!

(hacks):
Oh!

You know you gotta
understand...

Test one on the OxyRocket.

Lift off in three, two...

-(Agnes sobs)
-RONNIE: Look at this bitch.

Taffy 2 looks happy as a clam.

This is Taffy 3!

This is Taffy 2.

Loss can be so tough.

When my sister volunteered
to beta test

Splashzone's
steepest waterslide,

it was the... it was the
last decision she ever made.

(Ronnie crunching loudly)

You done?

Y'all should be thanking me.

I mean, I'm fighting
America's opioid epidemic.

I'm out there
on the front lines,

and I'm doing it for Taffy 2.

-What I wouldn't give
for a Dana 2. -Who?

My sister who was decapitated
on the waterslide.

So who's Dana 2?

No, I want Dana back,
but I would take a exact copy.

I thought we came here
to talk about my pill problem.

No one has anything else to say
about my pill problem,

then I think I'm good.

I don't mean to be a stickler
for the finer points,

but the deal was
we would all get a chance

to air our grievances.

The floor is yours.

The year was 1997.

Ronnie had just
discovered masturbation,

and I had this
tooth fairy pillow...

Boo! Nobody likes flashbacks.

I thought we were talking
about my pill problem.

I thought you didn't
have a pill problem.

I don't. Who said anything
about a pill problem?

Don't say a
fucking word.

You give me all the fucking
money in the register

or any OxyContin.

In fact, if you have any
OxyContin, I prefer that.

Ronnie.

Huh? No.

Yeah, well, you sound
a lot like it's you, Ronnie.

Well, it's not me.
I mean, him.

Uh-huh.

I-I think I said because
I thought you said, Robby,

which is what I'm doing to you
right now, I'm robbing you.

-Okay.
-But I can see where, in a world...

I mean,
they're so close.

Shay-Shayna, can you just please
give me the fucking money?

How would you know my name
if you're not my brother?

Mommy would be
so upset

if she knew that
I was coming to you

asking for something
nicely and...

You weren't asking
for something nicely,

you were robbing me
at knifepoint.

(grumbles)

(scoffs)

You're a fucking
loser, Ronnie!

If you need money, I said
you could come work for me.

I mean, that's just
the kind of person I am.

Come work at the Candle Wagon.

I would never work
at your Candle Wagon, Shayna,

ever in a million, bajillion,
gazillion, vagillion years.

-That's not a number.
-Yes, it is.

Vagillion comes
right after butt-jillion.

Ronnie, we're just
trying to help.

You know, is it
my turn yet?

I actually have,
uh, quite a bit.

I'm gonna start
with more recent events

and then just work back
to high school.

Okay, you know what? Fuck this.

I don't need anymore
of your helping

I'm gonna go call
my only true friend, Alf,

who also now happens to be
my only remaining family member,

and everybody here
can go fuck each other.

I shall take my
winnings and leave.

BURT:
Son.

-(door opens)
-(Agnes sobbing)

RONNIE:
Fuck all y'all!

(door slams)

Dude, we need to talk ASAP A.F.

We got to pack our bags
and get the fuck out of Dodge.

I don't know what's going on,
but it's like everybody

in this town has completely...

...turned on me.

Thanks again
for meeting me.

I really thought, when you
told me to get hit by a train

and live,
that you meant it.

I really did.

But, lately,

you seem different.

I don't know, better.

You know, I feel
different and better.

Like, ever since
I've come back, it's...

it's changed me, you know?

And I finally put
that change into action

-two weeks ago.
-And now my daughters won't talk to me

ever since they walked in on me
in a threesome with two Sybians.

GROUP LEADER:
Wow.

Thank you for sharing
that brave story.

You're welcome.

I see we have a new member.

Would you like
to introduce yourself?

Well, I'm Alf.

-ALL: Hi, Alf.
-Hi.

And I am a sex addict.

Yeah.

I guess it all started
when I went on tour

with my best friend, Il Lou.

So, that's right, yeah,

it's-it's-it's
a little embarrassing,

but I am famous. Yeah.

Yeah, I still get texts
from Ryan Reynolds

that I ignore 'cause
it's, like, relax, bro.

I mean, you're not funny,
you're just handsome.

We try to stay on topic, please.

Sorry. So, basically,
you know,

I was having sex with everything
that moved, you know.

It had a pulse, I was on it.

(laughs) Uh, it was
one stretch,

I shit you not,

where I had sex with
Ireland Baldwin in Scotland,

you know, Paris Hilton in Tokyo,

and Orlando Bloom in the ass.

Allegedly.

Sir, uh... I don't
mean to split hairs,

but it doesn't sound
like you're a sex addict.

It just sounds like you're a guy

who likes having sex
with beautiful people.

WOMAN: Yeah, a sex addict
is someone who sells

her son's bedroom furniture

to buy a second
rideable fuck machine.

Well, yeah,
I guess you're right.

Yeah. Ugh.

Yeah, I'm honestly so sorry

for-for even wasting
y'all's time. Ugh.

You know, I guess I'm just,
like, a normal, red-blooded man

who finds the beauty
in all things, you know?

That's, like, the only reason
I had sex with my cousin,

'cause she's so beautiful.

Sorry. What?

Relax, bro.

It was on accident.
First time.

Then I was hooked.
It's like a Pringle.

Once you pop... I mean, y'all
know what I'm talking about.

You get it.

Still doesn't explain

why I still masturbate to the
video my dad captured of us

banging it out in the pantry.

(laughing):
So sue me.

(laughs)

These are the 12 steps.

I guess I'll take a
little peek at this,

just to kind of
be familiar with it.

Welcome to the program.

Thank you. Just sit--
I'll sit back where I was.

WOMAN: That concludes today's
Overeaters Anonymous meeting.

Remember to avoid triggers like
following chefs on Instagram

and Googling what
Michael Phelps eats in a day.

Good luck and God bless.

-Bye, everyone!
-MAN: No snacking.

-Bye, everybody.
-Have a great week.

I'm proud of us, Pop.

You know? I come home
from my first meeting,

and I see you're
working the program, too,

and I'm working the program.
It's a term I learned

from working the program.
Am I pushing it?

Oh, hell no.

We both agreed to help each
other with our addictions.

So we're addicts?

So, that's all we ever talk
about now, our addictions.

(both laugh)

We're about
to become so boring.

Oh, super boring.

(laughs)
But thinner.

And less freaky-deaky.

-(laughs)
-(laughs): Yeah. Oh.

You know,
in my session today,

they said the first step
to recovery

is by making a list
of the people I've wronged

so I can make
amends to them.

Who first?

Your cousin Tasha?

Teyana? Rihanna? Madonna?

Shoshanna?

From Girls.

Oh, come on. I don't
know what you're into.

No, Dad, to you.

I need to make
amends with you.

Well, I forgive
you, Alfy. Next.

No, Dad, please.
Let me apologize.

I abandoned you.

I was so busy
living my crazy life

that I just, like,
left you here alone.

And... I'm sorry.

Now you let me apologize.

No, don't-don't, uh,
don't you do it.

All those trips
that I bailed on you

because of my size.

I haven't seen you for years,
and that's my fault.

No, it's not.
It's my fault.

I'm terrible.

I had sex with Tasha
in your car.

Not the PT Cruiser!

-Inside and out.
-You nasty, little...

But, Pops, I'm gonna make amends
by paying back every cent

of the 5K that Ronnie and I
borrowed from your scooter fund.

It's all right, Alfy.

No, it's not, Pop.

Look, I'm gonna get
you on that Rascal.

-Now, I don't know
how I'm gonna do it... -I do.

My baby may not be rich

He's watching every dime...

What if I could have
spa-quality massages

from the comfort
of my own chair?

What if I could get
salon-quality hairstyles

from the comfort
of my own bathroom?

What if I could have
landscape-quality blown leaves

from the comfort
of my own backyard?

What if I could get
restaurant-quality sushi

from the comfort of my
own above-ground pond?

-Have you ever wondered...
-Have you ever wondered...

Have you ever wondered...

You know what? That sounds like
a question for my supervisor.

Hold on a minute. I'm gonna
put you on with her.

(high-pitched):
Let's talk long distance.

Oh, yeah!

(both laugh)

Let me put you
on with my supervisor.

Just as a heads up, he sounds
a lot like Charles Barkley.

(imitating Charles Barkley):
This guy's customer service

protocol is turrible.

(both laugh)

BOTH: You will not regret
your purchase today.

I guarantee it.

You can set your watch to that.

Have a blessed day and
thank you for purchasing...

...a massage chair.

...hair care design center.

...a professional leaf blower.

...home fish-farm-to-table
sushi experience.

(laughs)

(both panting)

Consider yourself
amends-ed.

(panting)

Who's next for you?

-Hey.
-Oh, God.

Look, whatever this is,
I don't have time.

I'm on my way
to catch a flight.

W-W-W-Wait.
Courtney, wait, please.

Listen, this is
different, okay?

I just found out
that I'm a sex addict.

-(scoffs)
-Okay, and I'm getting help.

Okay? And part of my recovery
is to make amends

to everybody who I've hurt.

And you are
at the top of my list.

So I need you to let me
take you to dinner

so I can apologize
to you properly.

Wow. You haven't
changed at all.

This isn't about me.

This is about you getting what
you need so you can move on.

And wait, did that
say Orlando Bloom?

Yeah, we put a night
together one time.

(laughs) I mean, I guess if I
should be apologizing to anybody

it's Miranda Kerr
'cause... whew.

-(scoffs)
-No, wait.

You know what?

Just go ahead and
cross me off your list

'cause I've crossed you
off mine years ago.

The only list I have now is
all the shit I need to get done

before the baby comes,
and it's a mile long.

I have way too much on my plate
to take you on.

All right, then.

Uh, you know, I'll catch you
when you come back,

apology waiting for you.

Well, that's not safe.

Ah.

Ew.

(phone vibrating)

-Ah, what's up, dawg?
-RONNIE: Hey, yo, Alfy boy.

Oh, yeah, sorry. I'm still
at the orthodontist.

Yeah. Bad news, in fact.

Guess like a decade of grills
and Sour Patch Kids

and going down on ladies
gave me TMJ something fierce.

RONNIE:
You know how Oxy is, like,

the greatest thing
to happen to anyone ever

'cause it makes
all your problems

feel like they're
a million miles away,

and people keep dying
because it's too good

and they're babies?

Well, what if we did vape pens?

I'm sorry. I'm just
playing catch-up here,

but what are you slurring about?

We're pivoting, dude.

We're gonna solve
the opioid epidemic

with Oxy microdoses,
and Oxy macrodoses

for the more experienced user.

We're gonna become a couple
chill Martin Shkrelis, dude.

(screams)

I will take that
blood-curdling scream as a yes.

(phone beeps)

Let's...

No. No, I can't work
this weekend.

Because I have a lot...

Uh, let me call you right back.

You were right. I'm sorry.

Alf. Not the lovable TV alien."

(cries)

ALF:
And so, while I know

you'll never forget the
terrible things I did to you,

I just hope someday
you can forgive me,

even though I'll never be
able to forgive myself.

Jesus Christ, dude,
it's been 15 years.

It's okay.

(both chuckle)

Look, I was really hurt.

But, you know,
eventually I got over it,

until you came back and
started acting like a shithead.

(laughs)
No, no, I get it.

I get it. That's fair.

I forgive you, Alfonso.

(phone vibrating)

So... who else do you
still owe amends to?

Just... Ronnie.

I'm honestly not looking
forward to that one.

He probably doesn't
want me to change.

I mean, he probably doesn't
want anything to change.

Look, he's a huge prick...

but you guys
are best friends.

I'm sure everything
will be fine.

♪ ♪

(dog toy squeaking)

AGNES: Burt? Stop playing
with the dog toys!

(whispering):
Okay, okay. Okay.

Night terror!
Night terror!

-Aah!
-Night terror!

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