Original subtitles

Hey, Mom, I came as soon as I got your message.

You found $5,000 of bar mitzvah money and...

What in the living room fuck

is this?

Hello, Ronald.

Please take a seat

You got to look at the card to remember that?

BURT: (clears throat) Ronald...

;It is with great love and respect

-that we have all come here -No.

No, miss me with this bullshit.

I'm just here to get my money, which I earned

the day I became a man,

l'dor v'dor, and then I will leave you alone.

-There is no bar mitzvah money. -RONNIE: What?!

It was a very thin lie.

Frankly, we're all pretty shocked you fell for it.

Well, I'm sorry if I'm gullible, Shayna, when my mother tells me

that the trees that were planted in Israel in my name

have struck oil with their roots.

And now I got to sit here and be intervened upon

by a bunch of normcore snowflakes.

AGNES: This isn't an intervention.

-This is a gathering of -(door opens, closes)

ZACK: Hello! So sorry I am late.

Did the intervention already start?

Chevalier is here?!

What the fuck does this guy have to say about everything?

This intervention is hell.

BURT: It is not an intervention.

It is a gathering of concerned friends and family.

We are begging you. Please stay.

I'll stay...

if you guys can come up with $10,000 cash for me.

-Hold on. -Really?

-Let's go. What do you got? -Just a minute. Uh...

You got any money, Chevalier?

-Don't have my wallet. -Okay, go get that wallet then.

I'll take a Bitcoin if you got it.

That's not a physical currency.

Okay, so mentally give it to me.

-I've got $64. -I'll take it.

-Uh, I've got, I've got seven in cash. -I'll-- yeah.

-And the wallet. It's Fossil. -RONNIE: No, fuck yourself.

$75 in Candle Cash.

It can be used at all five of our locations.

Some restrictions apply.

You got 20 minutes,

which started when I came through the door,

so now you have 17-- 16 minutes.

Ronnie, your behavior of the last two weeks

has been extremely self-destructive.

And destructive-destructive.

And we feel that it may be because you have a problem.

All right. Does anybody want any dip? Because, uh,

my wife usually only makes it for the Super Bowl.

I don't have a pill problem.

I don't know what everyone is talking about.

Uh, no one said anything about pills, Ron.

What a gotcha moment.

We will now go around the room

and each tell how your problem...

This dip has seven layers.

That's like one for every day of the week.

...has hurt us. Burt?

(clears throat)

Make sure you're all tucked in first before you get into this.

For me, this whole mishegas began

two weeks ago.

I'll visit your new apartment when I'm good and goddamn ready!

Okay, I love you, too, Dad.

(phone beeps)

Where the fuck you been?

Uh, I was at the dentist.

That's where I got this sticker from. Proof.

-'Cause I was a big boy. -Oh.

Hey, are we still getting laughed at on the Internet

because we got our asses kicked by a bunch of children?

Actually, it's calmed down a little.

-(grunting) -(pop music playing)

-Holy crap! (shouts) -(laughing)

(speaking Korean, laughing)

(laughter)

I can't remember if raining dicks is a compliment in Korea,

but I'm gonna take it as one.

Yeah, that whole region's

kind of hard to pin down right now, so...

Maybe the universe is trying to tell us something.

Maybe we really need to, like,

rethink this whole, like, comeback attack, you know?

Or... is a comeback even possible?

All we wanted was to be part of the conversation again, right?

Now we are.

I mean, is the conversation extremely demeaning?

-Very hurtful. -A lot of violent, sexual imagery.

Some race trolling in there.

And the anti-Semites have come out of the woodwork.

Doesn't take much.

And a word to the wise, do not engage.

My mother got swatted.

See? People hate our guts.

So what?

People hated Tonya Harding's guts.

She got nominated for an Academy Award.

The handsome felon?

He put a baby in a Topshop heiress.

Mel Gibson is in a studio comedy

as, like, a silver fox.

-Yeah, with, like, a dark tan. -In that movie,

women turn around and whistle as he walks by.

I mean, it is bananas.

A pack! Motherfucker said, a pack

and America was just like, Okay;

If that balding, New Zealand Nazi can ride a rainbow

of N-words and K-bombs and C-splats

to the front of a studio tent pole, which, by the way,

was universally beloathed,

we can certainly cash in on this.

Dude.

We're not getting a studio comedy.

No, I know, I know. That's been made clear to me,

like, even if we were to camera test and come really close,

but you know what we are getting?

A ton of DMs and messages.

Yeah, we discussed this.

They are very hurtful.

Not all. Some are opportunities.

This cat Amir hit me up. He owns, like, a bunch of clubs.

Says he has a lucrative offer for me.

I'm sure it's like some club appearance.

Yeah. I mean, appearancing is the new performing.

Right? I mean, unless...

unless, like, you're not...

in this crew anymore.

No, no, you right, you right.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Well, then let's go see this Amir guy.

Yeah. You know, I'm in.

Ooh, but you know what,

I got to go get this consultation

with an orthodontist,

'cause it's a recommendation from my dentist.

If you ask me, whole thing's a dang ole racket.

Yeah, no, you got to take care of that shit.

-That's like your calling card. -Yeah.

I'll go talk to Amir.

He won't even know what hit him.

Just like that cop who pulled over Mel Gibson.

-Ha-ha, nice! -(laughs)

Fuck.

(hip-hop music playing quietly)

-Hey, yo, Amir. -Ronnie.

I don't got a lot of time, so I'm not gonna jerk you off,

and I expect you not to jerk me off, either.

Okay.

For a ten-minute club appearance,

I'm charging 30K.

For 20 minutes, 80K.

Want the whole half hour? 225K.

-Seems expensive. -It is expensive,

but I'm giving you a howler of a deal here.

Okay, just let me stop you right there, all right?

Let me stop you from fucking interrupting me.

I'm also gonna need a car back and forth to the venue.

G-Wagon or higher. And some vodka for backstage,

-Belvedere or higher. -Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie.

All my businesses are drug fronts.

I don't care about anything you're talking about.

Amir, I thought we said we weren't gonna

jerk off in front of each other?

My furniture store is called Amir One Imports.

My club is called Amir Club Imports.

I'm not even trying, man.

I brought you here to sell drugs.

(groans)

You want me to be a two-bit drug dealer?

When I saw Ronnie Pockets embarrass himself on Instagram,

it got me thinking.

This well-connected idiot with loose morals

could sell my drugs to his moron, famous friends.

I do have famous friends. You're right about that.

But what makes you think I'd want to sell drugs,

especially if I'm making over 100K per club appearance?

Because you don't.

That is true.

Listen, why don't you take these five Oxys for the weekend?

Let me know what you think.

Oh, no, no, no.

I-I really, uh...

I'm gonna need at least ten to get a feel for the product.

No.

All right. How about nine?

Get the fuck out of my store.

-(snoring) -(knocking on door)

RONNIE (slurring): Hey, Dad.

I'm so sorry that I'm a little tardy for the party.

Hey. Uh...

You made it. Uh...

Welcome to my new place.

Better late than never, huh?

What? You said be here at 4:00.

Why you got to be such a time cop about half a dozen minutes?

We were supposed to meet at 4:00 p.m., not 4:00 a.m.

Doesn't matter. It's fine.

It's fine. I'm glad you're here.

Uh, let me make you, uh,

a-a nice pod of coffee.

Nah, I'll shit my pants if I have that. Thank you.

Uh, well, have a look around.

This is it!

Want to show you.

I mean, you know, it's not much,

but it's got everything that I need,

everything I need.

I mean, a bed, a window...

uh, loads of closet space.

Um, bathroom down the hall.

It's shared.

Uh, washer/dryer also down the hall.

Also shared.

Um, the hall is shared.

Ample street parking.

The landlord does have

a 10:00 p.m. noise curfew.

And... you know what, but, though, that's okay for me

because it really allows me

to focus on my big second act.

Now, I-I-I got to tell you, little buddy,

I have not felt this good about my life in years.

(chuckles) Ow.

But most of all,

I really want you to feel

like this place is your home, too.

Yeah.

It was my home.

And this was my bedroom.

And then you gave it to Taffy,

and it became Taffy's room.

A-And that landlord that you're referring to,

that's Mom.

Okay, um, look,

I understand that you're still stressed out

about your mother and me splitting up, so...

(scoffs) I don't care.

Ron, are you okay?

Am I okay?

Are you okay, Dad?

I mean, I love you,

but look around man.

Your life fuggin' sucks.

There's not gonna be a second act.

And the show's over.

Tracey Ullman style. (British accent): Go home

You know?

Put on a bathrobe, clear-clear the joint out.

This is temporary.

I hate to break it to you, Dad, but...

you're so old, that if you fall,

you're gonna die.

(dog toy squeaks)

AGNES: Keep it down, Herbert! It's past curfew!

BURT: And, you know, that really hurt me, Ronnie.

I am in a fragile place right now.

Didn't happen. Fake news.

Who's next? Anybody got anything?

You? You got swatted.

Your beef is not with me, it's with Guccifer69 or whoever.

My grievance is on behalf of Taffy 2.

-Hey, yo, Alfy boy. -ALF (over phone): Ah, what's up, dawg?

(slurring): You know how Oxy is, like, the greatest thing

to happen to anyone ever

'cause it makes all your problems feel like

they're a million miles away,

and people keep dying because it's too good

and they're babies?

Well, what if we did vape pens for Oxy?

That way, all day long,

you could just inconspicuously take little hits

off that motherfucker

till you're good and properly faded up.

ALF: I'm sorry, I'm just playing catch-up here.

Uh, what are you slurring about?

We're pivoting, bro.

We're gonna fucking solve the opioid epidemic

with Oxy microdosing, and Oxy macrodosing

for more experienced users like myself.

We're gonna become a couple chill Martin Shkrelis, dude.

-Thoughts? -(Alf screams)

I will take that bloodcurdling scream as a yes.

-Shkrelis it is. -(phone beeps)

Amir, let's get down to brass tacks

and not shoot our loads up into the ceiling.

Money. Do you have my money?

I'm gonna need all the pills that you have.

You still haven't paid me for the 50 that I fronted you.

Not to mention the original five that I floated you.

Floated, fronted, it's-it's-it's--

they're so close, I don't know whi-which means which.

And the truth is I don't have any money.

-Motherfucker! -Whoa...

(stammering)

What I do have is something better than money.

Don't waste my fucking time, Ronnie.

Il Lou's remains.

Okay.

Let's Hear It for the Boy by Deniece Williams playing)

Now we're talking.

My baby, he don't talk sweet

He ain't got much to say

But he loves me, loves me, loves me

I know that he loves me anyway

And maybe he don't dress fine

But I don't really mind

'Cause every time he pulls me near

I just want to cheer

Let's hear it for the boy

Let's give the boy a hand...

(coughing, straining): Oh, baby!

(hacks): Oh!

You know you gotta understand...

Test one on the OxyRocket.

Lift off in three, two...

-(Agnes sobs) -RONNIE: Look at this bitch.

Taffy 2 looks happy as a clam.

This is Taffy 3!

This is Taffy 2.

Loss can be so tough.

When my sister volunteered to beta test

Splashzone's steepest waterslide,

it was the... it was the last decision she ever made.

(Ronnie crunching loudly)

You done?

Y'all should be thanking me.

I mean, I'm fighting America's opioid epidemic.

I'm out there on the front lines,

and I'm doing it for Taffy 2.

-What I wouldn't give for a Dana 2. -Who?

My sister who was decapitated on the waterslide.

So who's Dana 2?

No, I want Dana back, but I would take a exact copy.

I thought we came here to talk about my pill problem.

No one has anything else to say about my pill problem,

then I think I'm good.

I don't mean to be a stickler for the finer points,

but the deal was we would all get a chance

to air our grievances.

The floor is yours.

The year was 1997.

Ronnie had just discovered masturbation,

and I had this tooth fairy pillow...

Boo! Nobody likes flashbacks.

I thought we were talking about my pill problem.

I thought you didn't have a pill problem.

I don't. Who said anything about a pill problem?

Don't say a fucking word.

You give me all the fucking money in the register

or any OxyContin.

In fact, if you have any OxyContin, I prefer that.

Ronnie.

Huh? No.

Yeah, well, you sound a lot like it's you, Ronnie.

Well, it's not me. I mean, him.

Uh-huh.

I-I think I said because I thought you said, Robby,

which is what I'm doing to you right now, I'm robbing you.

-Okay. -But I can see where, in a world...

I mean, they're so close.

Shay-Shayna, can you just please give me the fucking money?

How would you know my name if you're not my brother?

Mommy would be so upset

if she knew that I was coming to you

asking for something nicely and...

You weren't asking for something nicely,

you were robbing me at knifepoint.

(grumbles)

(scoffs)

You're a fucking loser, Ronnie!

If you need money, I said you could come work for me.

I mean, that's just the kind of person I am.

Come work at the Candle Wagon.

I would never work at your Candle Wagon, Shayna,

ever in a million, bajillion, gazillion, vagillion years.

-That's not a number. -Yes, it is.

Vagillion comes right after butt-jillion.

Ronnie, we're just trying to help.

You know, is it my turn yet?

I actually have, uh, quite a bit.

I'm gonna start with more recent events

and then just work back to high school.

Okay, you know what? Fuck this.

I don't need anymore of your helping

I'm gonna go call my only true friend, Alf,

who also now happens to be my only remaining family member,

and everybody here can go fuck each other.

I shall take my winnings and leave.

BURT: Son.

-(door opens) -(Agnes sobbing)

RONNIE: Fuck all y'all!

(door slams)

Dude, we need to talk ASAP A.F.

We got to pack our bags and get the fuck out of Dodge.

I don't know what's going on, but it's like everybody

in this town has completely...

...turned on me.

Thanks again for meeting me.

I really thought, when you told me to get hit by a train

and live, that you meant it.

I really did.

But, lately,

you seem different.

I don't know, better.

You know, I feel different and better.

Like, ever since I've come back, it's...

it's changed me, you know?

And I finally put that change into action

-two weeks ago. -And now my daughters won't talk to me

ever since they walked in on me in a threesome with two Sybians.

GROUP LEADER: Wow.

Thank you for sharing that brave story.

You're welcome.

I see we have a new member.

Would you like to introduce yourself?

Well, I'm Alf.

-ALL: Hi, Alf. -Hi.

And I am a sex addict.

Yeah.

I guess it all started when I went on tour

with my best friend, Il Lou.

So, that's right, yeah,

it's-it's-it's a little embarrassing,

but I am famous. Yeah.

Yeah, I still get texts from Ryan Reynolds

that I ignore 'cause it's, like, relax, bro.

I mean, you're not funny, you're just handsome.

We try to stay on topic, please.

Sorry. So, basically, you know,

I was having sex with everything that moved, you know.

It had a pulse, I was on it.

(laughs) Uh, it was one stretch,

I shit you not,

where I had sex with Ireland Baldwin in Scotland,

you know, Paris Hilton in Tokyo,

and Orlando Bloom in the ass.

Allegedly.

Sir, uh... I don't mean to split hairs,

but it doesn't sound like you're a sex addict.

It just sounds like you're a guy

who likes having sex with beautiful people.

WOMAN: Yeah, a sex addict is someone who sells

her son's bedroom furniture

to buy a second rideable fuck machine.

Well, yeah, I guess you're right.

Yeah. Ugh.

Yeah, I'm honestly so sorry

for-for even wasting y'all's time. Ugh.

You know, I guess I'm just, like, a normal, red-blooded man

who finds the beauty in all things, you know?

That's, like, the only reason I had sex with my cousin,

'cause she's so beautiful.

Sorry. What?

Relax, bro.

It was on accident. First time.

Then I was hooked. It's like a Pringle.

Once you pop... I mean, y'all know what I'm talking about.

You get it.

Still doesn't explain

why I still masturbate to the video my dad captured of us

banging it out in the pantry.

(laughing): So sue me.

(laughs)

These are the 12 steps.

I guess I'll take a little peek at this,

just to kind of be familiar with it.

Welcome to the program.

Thank you. Just sit-- I'll sit back where I was.

WOMAN: That concludes today's Overeaters Anonymous meeting.

Remember to avoid triggers like following chefs on Instagram

and Googling what Michael Phelps eats in a day.

Good luck and God bless.

-Bye, everyone! -MAN: No snacking.

-Bye, everybody. -Have a great week.

I'm proud of us, Pop.

You know? I come home from my first meeting,

and I see you're working the program, too,

and I'm working the program. It's a term I learned

from working the program. Am I pushing it?

Oh, hell no.

We both agreed to help each other with our addictions.

So we're addicts?

So, that's all we ever talk about now, our addictions.

(both laugh)

We're about to become so boring.

Oh, super boring.

(laughs) But thinner.

And less freaky-deaky.

-(laughs) -(laughs): Yeah. Oh.

You know, in my session today,

they said the first step to recovery

is by making a list of the people I've wronged

so I can make amends to them.

Who first?

Your cousin Tasha?

Teyana? Rihanna? Madonna?

Shoshanna?

From Girls.

Oh, come on. I don't know what you're into.

No, Dad, to you.

I need to make amends with you.

Well, I forgive you, Alfy. Next.

No, Dad, please. Let me apologize.

I abandoned you.

I was so busy living my crazy life

that I just, like, left you here alone.

And... I'm sorry.

Now you let me apologize.

No, don't-don't, uh, don't you do it.

All those trips that I bailed on you

because of my size.

I haven't seen you for years, and that's my fault.

No, it's not. It's my fault.

I'm terrible.

I had sex with Tasha in your car.

Not the PT Cruiser!

-Inside and out. -You nasty, little...

But, Pops, I'm gonna make amends by paying back every cent

of the 5K that Ronnie and I borrowed from your scooter fund.

It's all right, Alfy.

No, it's not, Pop.

Look, I'm gonna get you on that Rascal.

-Now, I don't know how I'm gonna do it... -I do.

My baby may not be rich

He's watching every dime...

What if I could have spa-quality massages

from the comfort of my own chair?

What if I could get salon-quality hairstyles

from the comfort of my own bathroom?

What if I could have landscape-quality blown leaves

from the comfort of my own backyard?

What if I could get restaurant-quality sushi

from the comfort of my own above-ground pond?

-Have you ever wondered... -Have you ever wondered...

Have you ever wondered...

You know what? That sounds like a question for my supervisor.

Hold on a minute. I'm gonna put you on with her.

(high-pitched): Let's talk long distance.

Oh, yeah!

(both laugh)

Let me put you on with my supervisor.

Just as a heads up, he sounds a lot like Charles Barkley.

(imitating Charles Barkley): This guy's customer service

protocol is turrible.

(both laugh)

BOTH: You will not regret your purchase today.

I guarantee it.

You can set your watch to that.

Have a blessed day and thank you for purchasing...

...a massage chair.

...hair care design center.

...a professional leaf blower.

...home fish-farm-to-table sushi experience.

(laughs)

(both panting)

Consider yourself amends-ed.

(panting)

Who's next for you?

-Hey. -Oh, God.

Look, whatever this is, I don't have time.

I'm on my way to catch a flight.

W-W-W-Wait. Courtney, wait, please.

Listen, this is different, okay?

I just found out that I'm a sex addict.

-(scoffs) -Okay, and I'm getting help.

Okay? And part of my recovery is to make amends

to everybody who I've hurt.

And you are at the top of my list.

So I need you to let me take you to dinner

so I can apologize to you properly.

Wow. You haven't changed at all.

This isn't about me.

This is about you getting what you need so you can move on.

And wait, did that say Orlando Bloom?

Yeah, we put a night together one time.

(laughs) I mean, I guess if I should be apologizing to anybody

it's Miranda Kerr 'cause... whew.

-(scoffs) -No, wait.

You know what?

Just go ahead and cross me off your list

'cause I've crossed you off mine years ago.

The only list I have now is all the shit I need to get done

before the baby comes, and it's a mile long.

I have way too much on my plate to take you on.

All right, then.

Uh, you know, I'll catch you when you come back,

apology waiting for you.

Well, that's not safe.

Ah.

Ew.

(phone vibrating)

-Ah, what's up, dawg? -RONNIE: Hey, yo, Alfy boy.

Oh, yeah, sorry. I'm still at the orthodontist.

Yeah. Bad news, in fact.

Guess like a decade of grills and Sour Patch Kids

and going down on ladies gave me TMJ something fierce.

RONNIE: You know how Oxy is, like,

the greatest thing to happen to anyone ever

'cause it makes all your problems

feel like they're a million miles away,

and people keep dying because it's too good

and they're babies?

Well, what if we did vape pens?

I'm sorry. I'm just playing catch-up here,

but what are you slurring about?

We're pivoting, dude.

We're gonna solve the opioid epidemic

with Oxy microdoses, and Oxy macrodoses

for the more experienced user.

We're gonna become a couple chill Martin Shkrelis, dude.

(screams)

I will take that blood-curdling scream as a yes.

(phone beeps)

Let's...

No. No, I can't work this weekend.

Because I have a lot...

Uh, let me call you right back.

You were right. I'm sorry.

Alf. Not the lovable TV alien."

(cries)

ALF: And so, while I know

you'll never forget the terrible things I did to you,

I just hope someday you can forgive me,

even though I'll never be able to forgive myself.

Jesus Christ, dude, it's been 15 years.

It's okay.

(both chuckle)

Look, I was really hurt.

But, you know, eventually I got over it,

until you came back and started acting like a shithead.

(laughs) No, no, I get it.

I get it. That's fair.

I forgive you, Alfonso.

(phone vibrating)

So... who else do you still owe amends to?

Just... Ronnie.

I'm honestly not looking forward to that one.

He probably doesn't want me to change.

I mean, he probably doesn't want anything to change.

Look, he's a huge prick...

but you guys are best friends.

I'm sure everything will be fine.

♪ ♪

(dog toy squeaking)

AGNES: Burt? Stop playing with the dog toys!

(whispering): Okay, okay. Okay.

Night terror! Night terror!

-Aah! -Night terror!

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