All language subtitles for Champaign ILL s01e05 131.eng

(alarm ringing)

(alarm stops)

(sighs)

Whenever I get lonely

From my daydreams of you

These words I read remind me

Of the love we once knew

They tell of
all the happiness

Of days gone by

And I read it till

It dries the tears

That run through my eyes

I know those days are gone

And are a part of the past

-Shit.
But memories

And dreams of them
forever will last

And I must learn to realize

You're no longer mine

While the boy I dream
will comfort me

With every line

(engine cranking)

I tell myself

You're thinking of me

Each time I think

-Of you
-(phone ringing)

But now I know

It never could be

That told...

Thanks for calling
customer support.

-This is Linda.
How can I help you? -RONNIE: Hi.

Linda, is it?!
Well, this is ILCrewRon,

and we have a fucking code black
over here!

We are losing followers
by the fucking minute.

And-- excuse my French--
you people

don't know what the fuck
you are doing.

Okay. I'm glad
to take a look into that.

RONNIE:
Yeah, take a ganders!

I see that we already have
a service ticket open for you.

Y-Yes, there was, Linda.

By someone named Christopher
or some shit.

And he was about as unhelpful
as, um, uh,

the, uh, fucking--
I don't know fucking what!

Now, I'll tell you this, Linda.

This conversation
is trending even fuck--

I-I can't. I'm just-- I'm sorry.

Hey, Linda.

Uh, it's ILCrewAlfonso here.

I'm sorry about my friend.

But, you know,
he's understandably very upset

over what's been a wildly
traumatic couple of hours here.

-I'm sure.
-So, from where we're sitting,

it appears
that we've been hacked

and someone's stealing
our followers, go figure.

Unfortunately, I don't see
any signs of a hack on my end.

Linda, ILCrewRonnie here.

That's because it was a fucking
act of cyberterrorism, Lin-dur.

-Open up your fucking eyes.
-Hey,

ILCrewAlfonso again. I think
what my friend is trying

to say is that, you know,

wars aren't fought
on the battlefield anymore.

No, they're fought
on the cloud.

-I understand, sir.
-Great.

So, talk to me about, uh...
about un-verification.

How does someone of my social
stature find himself unverified?

-(chuckles)
-Unfortunately, we're not able

to discuss the protocol
of verification.

Then what the fuck
is the point?!

What the fuck's the point

of any of it?!
Why do you even fucking exist,

-you piece of shit?!
-Hi. Lin-dur?

This is ILCrewRonnie.

And I think,
as a verified user,

I can translate
for my friend ILCrewAlf.

And I think what he's trying
to say is that

you think you're a fucking big,
powerful gatekeeper, Linda?

Well, guess what.
This is all you have

in your shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit life!

Oh, yeah, that's right, Linda!

It was a fake-out!

You thought I was the good cop?
Well, bitch,

I'm a fucking bad cop!

So fu... ck you.

(phone beeps off)

So, what do we do now?

I think it's all about content.

We just need to generate
some dope content, you know?

Problem, though-- and this is
not a judgment on us--

but our lives right now
ain't exactly

(sighs)
Look, it's super easy.

All we got to do is find some
old pics, some B-sides of us

hanging out with Lou.
Throw that shit up there.

I mean, back in the day,
they used to get a ton of likes.

Ooh, what about this one?

Us hanging out
with a bunch of whores

Uh, I wouldn't fuck
with their NDA.

I mean, remember
what happened to Craig?

Oh, here's a great one--
us hanging out with Lou

at Satellite
after the Cubs won the Series.

Oh, yeah. That one got,
like, boffo likes.

Most likes I've ever gotten.

And posted.
Now we just sit back

and let the likes come

to Da-- What just happened?

I just lost 40 followers.

Well, if the comments
are any indicator,

uh, people are finding it
a hair thirsty

to be posting a picture
of your dead friend.

There's also some
Jew stuff, too.

There's always gonna be
Jew stuff.

Yeah, what is it about you guys?

We're a lightning rod
for Internet hate.

All right. Well, I guess we
just got to take new dope pics.

Why don't we go back
to Satellite, you know?

Have a great time,
generate some dope content.

Problem solved.

That's a fucking brilliant idea.

Plus, we get to see Jenna,
you know?

She'll hook us up for sure.

Jenna? She fucking loves us.

She loves us.

And your boy Ronnie. We out here
at the world-famous,

legendary Satellite club
in Chicago, Illinois.

-It's lit!
-We out here.

We out here!

-Goddamn it! Cut!
-(slurping)

Fuck. There ain't no Mudslides
at no Satellite.

-Eh, who cares?
-What is with you and these fucking Mudslides, dawg?

-Man, they're good. Whatever.
-This is never gonna work.

I'm telling you, bro,
if you shoot tight enough,

I think you can
fucking figure it out.

I couldn't shoot tight enough

to avoid these tchotchkes
if I tried.

There's a fucking ibex
in the corner with Ray-Bans on.

You got toy trains everywhere.

I mean, who am I,
Janusz Kaminski?

All right, fine.
Why don't you just post

that picture that we took
with all them girls

outside Satellite earlier?

No one's gonna know Jenna
denied us unceremoniously.

Oy.

I'm verified still.

And I just feel
like we do not want to risk

our crew's
only verified member...

(chuckles) getting any sort
of Bow Wow blowback, right?

Okay, fine, fuck it.

And... posted.

Can you fucking believe Jenna?

I mean, think of the amount
of liquor we consumed

at that place over the years.

I'm pretty sure
all of it was free, but...

And... roasted.
I just lost 600 more.

-Already?
-I mean, are these people all together?

How did they find out we didn't
get into the club?

Someone just posted
a picture of us

sitting at this bar right now.

-Spooky.
-It's a conspiracy.

It's Assange, man.

It's Assange,
who's fuckin' Snowden,

who's fuckin' Pamela Anderson.

And there's mics and cameras
everywhere, dawg.

Hello?

It's
it's Adult Swim,

it's
it's the whole thing, man.

Don't you see?

There's no conspiracy
against us, bro.

Our friend died, so now nobody
gives a fuck about us anymore.

I'm telling you, dude,
this is Deep State ey got Kanye!

Look, our social media footprint
is disappearing faster

than the fucking picture of the
McFlys in

We hit
we don't fucking exist.

Counterpoint, though.

This is a wake-up call.

Don't think of it as
the number we've plummeted to.

Think of it as the number
we're starting at.

There are people who get
paid bank just to be on IG.

Yeah, but those are all, like,

fuckin' unfunny,
talentless hacks.

quot;Fuckin' millennials...quot;

Don't get me fuckin' started.

You become famous for what,
unboxing stuff?

Or, like, making videos of
yourself playing a video game?

Dorks. How about this
sweet little white boy here

in our own backyard?

CadeWho'sPaid?

RONNIE:
CadeAlwaysPaid.

quot;Never the wind gust emoji,
always the beer mugs emoji.

14. Lover of Christ.
Hillsong for life

Kid just got 500,000 likes
for posting a reaction video

of him watching himself
watch a trailer

of his Instagram story.

I hate these people.

Hate, hate, hate!

(laughing)

What?

Aw, nothing, just laughing
about this thing I heard.

(laughing harder)

(laughing)

I think I... I think I heard
the same thing, actually.

Is it about how these idiots are
paying Instagram personalities

for, like, a...
like a... like, a pic?

Like, a mention.

Just so they can boost
their own likes and followers.

I mean, thirsty!

I mean, some people
are so parched.

Right? Dehydrated.

Seeing mirages and shit.

Yeah.

It's like... It's like
get some electrolytes, you know?

(laughter stops)

Can you guess the man
behind these jeans?

Drumroll, please.
(imitating drumroll)

If your guess is Yaphet Kotto,
you're wrong!

(laughs): These are
my aspirational skinny jeans.

That's right, I am now dedicated
to losing weight.

-Good for you, Dad.
-Yeah, and that Fashion Nova fit

-will accentuate those curves.
-Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I love the whole big,
like, Jared Fogle reveal, too.

Well, I think
the big Jared Fogle reveal

was that he was a sick fuck.

I mean, dude was
the Gordon Willis of naked kids.

Nice work, Ron. A cinephile joke
about a pedophile.

-You are...
-Well, I have been taking

a MasterClass on cinematography.

But I think my real question
about Jared Fogle

is how long was protecting that guy?

Yeah, I mean,
I like to eat fresh,

but not that fresh.

-(laughs): You know
what I'm saying? -(laughs)

Yeah.

-It's a tough area.
-Yeah.

Anyway, Dad, we need
to borrow $5,000

for a very lucrative
business opportunity.

And if all goes right,
this could result

-in hundreds of thousands...
-Possibly millions.

...of likes.

(laughs)

I thought I heard you say

that you wanted
to borrow $5,000.

Yes, he did.

-And what are likes?
-Well, like,

um, on Instagram
when you post a picture

to let people know what you're
doing at that exact moment.

-Why?
-Well, so people can see all the cool stuff you're doing.

-Why?
-Mmm, because if they double-click on that image,

that means they .

Why?

Oh, because th-the
more likes you get,

th-the better it is
for, like, everybody.

I don't know, man,
it's hard to explain.

Uh, I guess...

so, my-my point is, like,
the more likes you get,

it leads to more followers,

which then leads
to a more lucrative career

getting l-likes and followers.

You think maybe we could
just borrow this money,

no questions asked, Lafonso?
(chuckles)

-I'm gonna give you the money.
-(exhales) Yeah.

On two conditions:

stop banging your kin.

-That's a fair ask.
-Yeah, I promise.

Okay? And the second condition:

stop fornicating
with your cousin.

And I ain't playing
with you, son.

Yes, sir.

Now, I've been...

I was saving this
for a Rascal scooter--

aspirational, I'm aware.

I'm still...

(groans) ...multiple
Fogle reveals away

from not snapping that chassis.

But I want you to get some...
get some loves on old Lafonso.

You know what, Dad,
maybe never mind...

You know what, thank you so
much, they're called likes

and this is definitely
going to the right place.

Yo, what up? It's Cade.

Hope you enjoyed the BTS
of my lacrosse practice.

LaxPrax. What, what?

Stay tuned for some sick-ass
vids on this sick-ass Saturday.

Don't forget to smash
that "like" button.

All right, stay vibey,
Cadertots.

You the pervs that DM'd me?

Yes, very nice to meet you.

Not pervs, though.

We're cool. Plus, we got
the five grand, so...

All right, which-which one
of you is taking the pic?

Uh, what? (laughs)
Both, player.

It's five grand each, fuckboy.

Plus, with this guy's
enormous head,

I'm going to have to
change the aspect ratio

just to fit that fucking
melon in the frame.

Who are you,
Roger fucking Deakins?

No, I'm Cade Who's
Fucking Paid,

not Cade Who Does Free Shit
For Geezers Who Suck Each Other.

What's the play here?

I mean, do we do you,
get you reverified

or is that good
money after bad?

If my numbers go up,
I won't forget you.

Yo, I'll do it for five
if you guys do me a solid.

This mall has a rule
where no one under 16

is allowed in
without an adult.

And my chaperone, my momager's
fiancé, Stuart, bailed on me.

So, I need you guys to walk
with me if you want your pic.

Plus we can't post
right now, anyways.

And why is that, exactly?

Um, maybe because of the fucking
post-to-like algorithm, Dad?

Everybody knows you post
at 5:00 p.m. or 2:00 a.m.

-Yeah, I mean...
-Right, no. The five-two, the five-two.

Yeah, we knew that, we just
wanted to make sure you knew it.

-Right, right.
-So...

Dad. Are we all calling
each other quot?

-Hey, I guess
is new slang. -That's right, Dad.

What are we doing, man?

We're really going to give
my dad's Rascal money

to this prick?

Haven't we taken
enough for one day?

-Just chill.
-CLERK: Cade, my man.

-Long time, no see.
-Yeah, been hella busy.

Shooting a documentary
about my life for Poptarts.com,

no big deal.

Sick.

So here's this week's drops.

Yeezys, Air Max 720s,
new retro Threes and some NMDs.

Size eights, gave you
a little room to grow.

(chuckles) Fuck you
very much, bro.

RONNIE (whispering): Those
Yeezys are super exclusive.

I can't believe
this chotch has the plug.

Hey, just make sure
he tags the store, okay?

The little ginger fuck
forgot last time.

Dawg, we're not
his cabana boys.

Oh, and what size are you guys?

A 12.

A ten wide, please.

Cool.

(continues rapping in Japanese)

She sends me
the flame emoji.

I send her
the eggplant emoji twice.

I'm the one who's got to go
to the guidance counselor?

Why? For what?

(boy laughs)

What the pizza?

That's Wallach.

Just ignore him and
he'll leave us alone.

Nah, miss me with that Way of
the Peaceful Warrior.

ALF:
Yeah, bro.

I ain't about to get punked
by some child.

-We're two grown-ass, 35...
-20, uh, 28.

-Tw-tw-- ooh, four...
-24.

-...year-olds.
-We're-we're 24.

And we're fucking pissed.

Hey! Thick, white girl.

Next time you fuck
with my man, Cade,

I'm-a come to your house
and fuck your mom

in your nanny's bed.

Hey, wait, you guys are
Alf and Ronnie, right?

Weren't you
in IL's old crew?

-It's always nice to meet a fan.
-Yeah, guilty as charged.

Yeah, I mean I don't have
a pen or anything, but I guess

I can sign your shirt in, like,
marinara or something...

No, no, oh, my God, no.

Bro, I got to ask you guys:
how did y'all go

from being in IL Lou
The Sickest's crew

to Cade Who's Never
Been Laid's crew?

Oh, my gosh, y'all took
a huge; on this one, man.

(scoffs) That's pathet,
bro, fuck. (laughs)

(laughs mockingly)

Does this look like
an to you?

'Cause all I see is Gs.

Maybe he needs
a closer look.

Huh? Can you see that?

ALF:
Yo, son.

You think that we spent 15 years
in the rap game--

yeah, we were nine
when we started.

-Don't check on the math,
but it-it works. -Mm-hmm.

You think we spent
all that time

just holding weed and procuring
late-night snacks for our boy

even though places
were all closed?

Alf.

'Cause we didn't.

Nah, we was the fools

who made other
fools disappear.

So what you want
to do... fool?

Nothing, man, I'm-I'm good,
all right? It's fine.

Thought so.

So who did you want me to make
this out to, again, Paula Cole?

"To Paula.

Love, Ronnie B

Yo.

You just
fucking owned him.

He's still sitting there.
He must be fucking crazy.

-ALF: You better
ask somebody, fool. -RONNIE: Yeah, get up.

-Yeah, bitch-ass trick.
-Yeah, walk away.

(Ronnie and Alf laugh)

RONNIE:
You clumsy, girl.

He left those
mozzarella sticks, too.

Yeah, man, get the rest of them
sticks; that was delicious.

Oh, my God, that was so sick.

Yeah, it did feel
pretty good.

So, uh, can we get
that, uh, picture now?

Yo, hey.

Put that stack away.
We're fam now, fam, I got you.

Oh, great, well, my dad's going
to be happy to get this back.

You know, we should
probably talk

before we give some of it away,
we might want to let it ride.

-Uh, on what?
-I don't know, uh...

Okay, no.

You can't just reach
into a man's purse.

You can't just put that
money back in your purse

like you ain't going
to give it back.

I might not give it back.

You have to; it's
my dad's money.

-He gave it to us.
-To give back.

Shut the fuck up, my pervs.

-Again, we are not...
-Yeah, important to clarify.

Yeah, because if someone
hears that out of context...

Yeah, can't
stress it enough.

It's kind of like
yelling fire.

Yeah, exactly.

You do it enough times, then
when a real fire happens...

-Yeah, you get burned.
-Exactly, you know what I'm saying.

All right. Well, I just want
to hook you guys up

with something way doper
than a photo.

YouTube, they're sponsoring
this influencer party tonight.

Everybody's going to be there.

All right, if I show up
and you come with me,

you'll be blowing up
by the morning.

Will you excuse us
for a moment?

We humbly accept.

Oh yeah, let me get
those bags for you, dawg.

All right,
yeah, for sure.

RONNIE:
You almost ready, my guy?

Do these joggers
make me look hippy?

I swear, I'm on the wrong side
of this tapered leg craze.

I hear you, bro.

And this pleats revival
is doing me no favors.

I mean, look at me.
I'm all fucking tuchus.

Well, first of all,
you have a gorgeous tuchus.

-Thank you.
-All right?

And men's fashion today
is designed for waifs.

I mean, so I like
three squares a day. Sue me.

I'm sorry,
I will not starve myself

so that I can fit into
some preconceived notion

that society has about what
a man's body should look like.

We come in all shapes and sizes.

Yeah, do you know
how unrealistic it is

to expect us to fit
into the Ken doll mold?

Did you know that if you
extrapolate Ken to human form,

he would be 11 feet tall

with a 68-inch chest
and a 20-inch waist?

Yeah, you know I read in

that if you unfurled his bulge,

it would be three-and-a-half
feet long.

Who has that?

Who needs that?

You know,
so young men are raised

to expect this of their bodies?

Phooey.

And Ken is this, like,
rugged lumberjack

who also has enough extra
casheesh to afford himself

a Corvette and
an oceanside residence?

Not to mention
his nine-foot-tall,

anorexic smoke show
of a girlfriend

who goes by the name of Barbara.

I call bullshit on that name,
by the way.

In what world?

In what fucking world?

You know... with a fucking
triple-D tit,

an 11-inch waist and
a round thing in your face?

-I mean, sign my ass up.
-Must be fucking nice, you know?

Ugh, they're both gorgeous.

Hey.

You're gorgeous.

Hey. You know what,
you're gorgeous.

-Oh, stop, I'm such a bloat.
-I mean it. Y-You kidding me?

I'm looking at the pleated pants
now, with the whole ensemble...

(kisses fingers) C'est
magnifique, monsieur.

I'm wearing a Supreme bag
like a girdle.

Well, it's working.
Tell you that.

-You, my friend, I mean joggers
are your pants from now on. -Yeah.

And is that a Bape sweatshirt
that zips all the way up?

It does. But I won't be able
to see you if I do it.

Dude.

Yeah, I mean you're right.

You're not going alone.

That's true.

You sure I don't look like
a scary-ass monster?

Nah, you look like
a gangster ghost.

Appreciate that, brother.

Okay, I'm going to go, uh,
change before we leave.

Hey, I'm going to go
and hit the bathroom,

take a piss real quick.

And I'm also going to change.
I look like an asshole.

(loud dance music playing)

Welcome to the show, boys.

Little piece of advice...
don't force it.

Let the game come to you.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, we chill.

You got that right,
playboy.

RONNIE:
Y'all on Facebook?

Yeah, from an early age I liked
the missions for, really,

just roaming around the world
and killing people.

I really sparked to
killing people,

and people really sparked to
watching me kill people.

Totally agree with you, bro.

You know what you should
check out?

It's like Red Dead Redemption,
but IRL.

Cool. I'll tell my manager.

Now, don't post this shit
until 2:00 a.m., now.

No shit, Dad.

Oh, my God, Gangsta Unwrapper,
I never do this,

but I just wanted to come up
and say hello, I'm a huge fan.

-Yeah, how do you do it?
-I just open the toys,

say why I hate it,
get more toys.

You know, I bet a lot of people
tell you you're spoiled.

-No doubt.
-You know what I say to them?

They're spoiled,
by your talent.

Can we get a pic?

(shutter clicks, phone chimes)

You blowing up.
You getting mad texts.

-Yeah. All the time.
-Always.

Do you have, like,

a legal guardian
or a parent around?

My driver's outside.

Driver's outside.
You think you got

an extra one of them
Capri Suns on you?

Not for no trick.

-For no trick...
-Trick.

-Little girl calls a trick.
-How old are y'all?

-How... how old do I look? 24.
-(scoffs) 24...

-Times two.
-Oh!

Look, I will never in my life...
raise a hand to a child.

I don't think we're dealing
with a child here.

I don't think so, either.

It's getting harder
and harder to keep up.

It's like an arms race,
but with butts.

You have more than enough
junk in the trunk.

Thank you.
(scoffs)

Oh, yeah, let's get
a pic with it.

Dude, we're fucking doing it.

We're the belles of the ball.

Dude, it's 1:49.

At 2:00, everyone starts
posting their shit,

it's going to be like, ,
good-bye, nice knowing you.

Outer space, hello,
nice to meet you."

(chuckles) I'm about to snort
a floating line in outer space.

(sniffs)
Nyah, nyah, nyah.

WALLACH:
Yo. There they are.

Oh, well, well, well.

How're you doing, O'Doyles?

You come to get
mozzarella stuck again?

Nah. No, we came for your shit.

Starting with that
Louis V bag, man.

Like I would ever
give you this bag

filled with drugs
and $5,000 cash.

Bro, you put the bank
in that bag?

-Mm, yeah.
The bag is like a bank. -Bruh!

Look, I know why
you frontin', all right?

You ain't gonna do shit,
you little bitch.

(grunts)

-Yeah!
-Shit!

Oh, he did it!
Oh, he really did it!

-That hurt so bad.
-Okay. Listen,

you hurt my boy,
and now it's cool.

But I think--
Oh, my God!

He dislocated my shoulder
with a nunchuck! Ow!

Uh, by the way, fellas,
I'm on your side, all right?

He is not a good dude.

As a matter of fact,
let's get him.

(grunting)

Yeah. (chuckles)

Now we all have a common
enemy, right? And it's...

and it's this guy, huh?

What are you doing?
Holy crap! Oh, God!

Is that a Supreme brick?

That's pretty fucking dope.
What are you doing?

Hey, what are you--
Oh, God!

quot;No, no, no.

That's my daddy's money.quot;

RONNIE: Listen, I don't know
how old you guys are

or if you can cum yet,
but we will

suck your little dicks off
if you let us live.

Brah, we just wanted
the money.

God.

Yo, those Yeezys?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Excuse me.

-Oh, this is--
this is a good one. -Oh, shit, look at the dads.

-Thank you very much
for having us. -Someone took an

Uh, you know, we're just gonna
turn in, head in a little early.

-(laughter)
-It has been a fabulous night.

I think we can all
turn our cameras off.

You got to stop pointing.

Yeah, remember with your heads,
not with your phones.

Yo! It's 2:00 a.m.!

Post 'em if you got 'em!

-You gangster.
-Go to bed.

-Go to bed, little gangster.
-Gangster! Oh...

-
-Et tu, Cade?

Come on, bro.
Et tu?

The game's the game. There's no
world where I don't post about

IL Lou's old crew taking an

-The game is the game, man.
-Game's the game. That's facts.

Damn, I got to
take a shit.

One of them hit me
right in where that--

it creates that shitting thing.

He kicked me once, and
both my shoes fell off.

Well, that sure puts a lot
of things in perspective.

Yeah, a wild night.

Why are we trying so hard
to make strangers love us?

Meanwhile, I just lost
$5,000 of my dad's money.

Someone who actually loves me.

I'm fucking done, Ron.

Look, it was a rough night.

Been a-a rough couple days.

Been a rough week.
Been a rough few weeks.

It's been a rough month.

So far, the year
is a negative.

But I think we need
to sleep it off.

You're right.

(bell rings)

What?

Yeah, uh,

I think I'm gonna
spend the night

at my dad's house tonight, Ron.

Okay.

RON: Yeah, no. I'll...
I'll see you tomorrow.

Bye!

-MAN: Let's get some drinks!
-WOMAN: Whoo! I'm down.

MAN 2: Wait, wait, wait,
aren't we forgetting someone?

MAN: Nah.
We're good.

(door shuts)

(computer chimes)

(phone chirps)

Fuck!

Whenever I get lonely...
641

So, who did you want me to make
this out to again, Paula Cole?

To... Paula.

You should've waited, bitch.

Love...

Ronnie...

-B.
-Stop.

I know those days are gone

And are a part of the past

Ah, ah...

Ah... ah...

Ah, ah...

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