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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:14,492 --> 00:01:15,993 So, this is for, uh, 2 00:01:16,077 --> 00:01:17,244 "New York Times Magazine"? 3 00:01:17,328 --> 00:01:19,455 No. I'm sorry, that... 4 00:01:19,538 --> 00:01:21,040 there... 5 00:01:21,123 --> 00:01:23,375 mm... no, I freelance. 6 00:01:23,459 --> 00:01:24,877 I write for different magazines, 7 00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,504 but this is a personal matter. 8 00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:27,838 A personal matter? 9 00:01:27,922 --> 00:01:29,673 Yes, I'm sorry. Is that okay? 10 00:01:29,757 --> 00:01:31,258 No, it's absolutely okay. 11 00:01:31,342 --> 00:01:33,260 May I ask what-what this is regarding and...? 12 00:01:33,344 --> 00:01:36,013 Uh, it's about my son. 13 00:01:37,056 --> 00:01:39,225 Okay. How can I help? 14 00:01:40,309 --> 00:01:42,603 He... 15 00:01:44,730 --> 00:01:48,859 There are moments that I look at him, 16 00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:51,529 this kid that I raised, 17 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:54,698 who I thought I knew inside and out, 18 00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:57,451 and I wonder who he is. 19 00:01:59,745 --> 00:02:02,373 He's been doing all sorts of drugs, 20 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,458 but he's addicted to crystal meth, 21 00:02:04,542 --> 00:02:09,338 which seems, uh, to be the worst of all of 'em. 22 00:02:09,421 --> 00:02:12,383 And I guess I'm here 23 00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:16,554 because I just want to know... 24 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:19,390 all that I can about... 25 00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:21,225 all of it. 26 00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:23,102 Know your enemies, right? 27 00:02:23,185 --> 00:02:25,354 So... 28 00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:30,025 My two big questions are, 29 00:02:30,109 --> 00:02:32,653 wh-what is it doing to him, 30 00:02:32,736 --> 00:02:36,031 and what can I do to help him? 31 00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:35,799 Marin General Hospital. How may I help you? 32 00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:39,136 Hi. My son has gone missing, 33 00:03:39,220 --> 00:03:41,889 and I wanted to check to see if he had... 34 00:03:41,972 --> 00:03:43,515 uh, maybe had been brought in 35 00:03:43,599 --> 00:03:46,852 or-or if-if there'd been an accident. 36 00:03:46,936 --> 00:03:49,647 Can I have name and description, sir? 37 00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:51,190 Nicolas Sheff. 38 00:03:51,273 --> 00:03:53,609 S-H-E-F-F. 39 00:03:53,692 --> 00:03:55,152 He is... 40 00:03:55,236 --> 00:03:56,904 18 years old. 41 00:03:56,987 --> 00:04:00,115 He is just over six feet tall. 42 00:04:00,199 --> 00:04:01,867 About 130 pounds. 43 00:04:01,951 --> 00:04:05,079 Maybe less. I-I don't know. Um... 44 00:04:05,162 --> 00:04:07,581 He has shoulder-length brown hair 45 00:04:07,665 --> 00:04:09,750 and green eyes. 46 00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:11,502 Thank you. Please hold. 47 00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,587 Okay. 48 00:04:13,671 --> 00:04:15,839 - Mr. Sheff? - Yes. 49 00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:18,008 Uh, there's no one by that name, sir. 50 00:04:18,092 --> 00:04:20,678 Okay. Thank you. 51 00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:04,096 He's been gone for two days. 52 00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:05,723 What do you mean he's gone? 53 00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,683 - What's going on? - I don't know. 54 00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:09,059 - I don't know. - Two days? 55 00:05:09,143 --> 00:05:10,561 Why didn't you tell me sooner? 56 00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,479 Uh, I didn't want to worry you, I guess. 57 00:05:12,563 --> 00:05:14,982 - I just... - I'm his mother, David. 58 00:05:15,065 --> 00:05:16,900 Didn't you see this coming? 59 00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:18,068 Uh, no. 60 00:05:18,152 --> 00:05:19,320 What? 61 00:05:19,403 --> 00:05:21,155 No, no, I didn't see it coming. 62 00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:23,240 If I'd seen it coming, I would've done something. 63 00:05:23,324 --> 00:05:25,576 It was just a question, David. Jesus. 64 00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:27,828 I haven't been talking with him a lot lately. 65 00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:30,056 Well, maybe that's why you shouldn't be giving me advice 66 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,373 in parenting, right? 67 00:05:31,457 --> 00:05:33,417 Fuck, Vicki. 68 00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:35,878 Can we just not blame each other right now? That's... 69 00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:37,838 Who's blaming who here? 70 00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:40,049 If I hardly ever see him, it's because he's supposed 71 00:05:40,132 --> 00:05:41,717 to come to L.A. for the holidays 72 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,802 but always finds a reason not to come. 73 00:05:43,886 --> 00:05:46,930 Well, that's not my fault, is it? 74 00:06:22,925 --> 00:06:24,468 Nic. 75 00:06:25,803 --> 00:06:27,888 Here's your little brother. 76 00:06:29,181 --> 00:06:30,182 Tight. 77 00:06:30,265 --> 00:06:31,600 Just support his head. 78 00:06:38,857 --> 00:06:40,776 Hi, Jasper. 79 00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:43,404 Hi, little boy. 80 00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:48,492 This is amazing. 81 00:06:51,537 --> 00:06:53,539 He's sticking his tongue out. 82 00:06:57,835 --> 00:06:59,920 Hi. Nice to meet you. 83 00:07:00,003 --> 00:07:01,922 - Bye. - Bye. 84 00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:03,757 - I'll miss you this summer. - Me, too. 85 00:07:03,841 --> 00:07:05,843 - Okay, write me. - Write me back. 86 00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:07,177 Work on your French. 87 00:07:07,261 --> 00:07:08,554 Oui, madame. 88 00:07:08,637 --> 00:07:09,805 Have a great summer. 89 00:07:09,888 --> 00:07:11,807 And say hi to your mom. 90 00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:16,937 - Everything. - Everything. 91 00:08:23,795 --> 00:08:25,589 Ya! 92 00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:27,424 Come on. 93 00:08:48,946 --> 00:08:50,656 Hey. 94 00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:53,366 Where have you been? 95 00:08:53,408 --> 00:08:54,636 Yeah, I just need to sleep, all right? 96 00:08:54,660 --> 00:08:55,827 What have you been doing? 97 00:08:55,911 --> 00:08:57,791 I just need to sleep, all right? Leave me alone. 98 00:08:57,955 --> 00:09:01,166 Guys, go downstairs. 99 00:09:01,250 --> 00:09:03,835 I'll be there in a minute. 100 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:37,035 Ow. 101 00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:49,840 Look, Man, I'm-I'm, uh... 102 00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:54,261 I'm really sorry, all right? And-and I, uh... 103 00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,471 I fucked up, and it was a mistake, but... 104 00:09:56,555 --> 00:09:58,849 it was a one-time mistake, all right? I learned my lesson. 105 00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:02,269 I don't want to go through this shit again, all right? So... 106 00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:03,472 - Let's just go inside. - No. 107 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:04,688 They're professionals. 108 00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,607 Let's just listen to what they have to say. 109 00:10:06,690 --> 00:10:08,483 Look, I'm 18, all right?! You can't force me! 110 00:10:08,567 --> 00:10:10,485 Hey. 111 00:10:12,654 --> 00:10:14,865 This got out of hand, right? 112 00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,575 Don't you think? 113 00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:22,289 Come on. 114 00:10:23,749 --> 00:10:24,833 All right. 115 00:10:24,916 --> 00:10:28,629 Okay. Okay. 116 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:34,259 I'm doing it for you. 117 00:11:02,496 --> 00:11:04,873 He needs treatment. And fast. 118 00:11:04,956 --> 00:11:07,584 There's still a lot of drugs in his system. 119 00:11:07,668 --> 00:11:10,754 And, worst of all, he's in denial. 120 00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:14,299 Um, can you help him? 121 00:11:14,383 --> 00:11:16,510 Oh, yeah. I mean, 122 00:11:16,593 --> 00:11:19,513 a lot of the people here are not here by choice. 123 00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:21,890 And they have just as much chance as anybody. 124 00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:23,892 Okay. 125 00:11:23,975 --> 00:11:26,103 So, we have a free bed. 126 00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:28,897 So, if you want, we can check him in for a 28-day treatment 127 00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:30,732 and then we evaluate. 128 00:11:32,442 --> 00:11:35,696 Um... what is your success rate? 129 00:11:35,779 --> 00:11:37,948 On the high end, 80%. 130 00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:41,910 On the low end, 25%. 131 00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:44,871 Look, he will have daily consultations 132 00:11:44,955 --> 00:11:47,124 with a staff psychiatrist and physician. 133 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:51,086 We have daily N.A. and A.A. meetings. 134 00:11:51,169 --> 00:11:53,505 He'll be monitored very closely. 135 00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:57,134 Thank you. 136 00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:00,345 And last page. 137 00:12:01,471 --> 00:12:03,598 Everything. 138 00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:08,395 Everything. 139 00:12:53,732 --> 00:12:56,693 Why are you always in this room? 140 00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:58,904 You hardly ever come out of here. 141 00:12:58,987 --> 00:13:00,655 It's like you're a vampire. 142 00:13:02,365 --> 00:13:04,785 I read. 143 00:13:04,868 --> 00:13:07,370 I draw. 144 00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,956 You know what we should do? 145 00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:12,000 We should go surfing. 146 00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,794 Yeah. 147 00:13:13,877 --> 00:13:15,670 That sound good? 148 00:13:15,754 --> 00:13:18,381 I'm kind of into other things now, you know? 149 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:22,135 Reading misanthropes and seriously depressed writers. 150 00:13:22,219 --> 00:13:23,678 Oh, come on, they're... 151 00:13:23,762 --> 00:13:25,472 they're kind of great, though, right? 152 00:13:25,555 --> 00:13:26,555 I get it. 153 00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:31,019 It'll pass, though. 154 00:13:31,102 --> 00:13:32,979 It always does. 155 00:13:33,063 --> 00:13:34,940 What does? 156 00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:39,236 The feeling of being alienated and isolated. 157 00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,154 Huh, that really helps. 158 00:13:41,238 --> 00:13:43,198 Thanks for the advice, Dad. 159 00:13:44,282 --> 00:13:46,243 Okay. 160 00:13:47,369 --> 00:13:49,704 All right. That was... 161 00:13:49,788 --> 00:13:51,248 That came out wrong. I'm sorry. 162 00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:53,667 Mm-mm. 163 00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:05,053 All right. Your-your idea. 164 00:14:05,136 --> 00:14:07,138 Hey. 165 00:14:08,890 --> 00:14:11,101 Hey, Dad. 166 00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:14,271 So, we feel he's made great progress. 167 00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,481 - Right, Nic? - Hi. - Hey. 168 00:14:16,565 --> 00:14:18,275 - That's great. - That's great. 169 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,378 So we should maybe talk about the coming weeks, Nic. 170 00:14:20,402 --> 00:14:22,863 Mm. I think I need to... I think I need 171 00:14:22,946 --> 00:14:25,031 a little bit more time in rehab. So if it's... 172 00:14:25,115 --> 00:14:27,367 if it's all right with you guys, I was wondering 173 00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:29,053 if I could stay in the halfway house here. 174 00:14:29,077 --> 00:14:33,498 The halfway house is an open living facility 175 00:14:33,582 --> 00:14:35,500 with follow-up every night, 176 00:14:35,584 --> 00:14:38,962 and we would help him find a job. 177 00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:41,089 Right. I don't want to... 178 00:14:41,172 --> 00:14:46,177 go to college... right now. 179 00:14:46,261 --> 00:14:49,139 Oh? Okay. Uh, um, and do what? 180 00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:52,684 I think I need to be independent. 181 00:14:55,186 --> 00:14:57,772 Dad, I'm telling you, this is... 182 00:14:59,816 --> 00:15:02,986 It's gonna be good. 183 00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:03,987 What is he gonna do, 184 00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:05,947 make coffee for the rest of his life? 185 00:15:06,031 --> 00:15:07,324 You know what, Frederick told me 186 00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:08,843 that they have friends that had a son 187 00:15:08,867 --> 00:15:10,845 that did a four-week program and that wasn't enough 188 00:15:10,869 --> 00:15:12,746 and now he's doing a year program. 189 00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:14,669 I wish you wouldn't talk to everybody about it. 190 00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:19,711 What does that got to do with anything? 191 00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:21,338 To protect Nic. I mean, at some point, 192 00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,214 he's gonna want to get on with his life. 193 00:15:23,298 --> 00:15:25,192 And maybe it's best that not everybody knows about this. 194 00:15:25,216 --> 00:15:26,509 Okay. 195 00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:30,972 Can we not make this about me? 196 00:15:31,056 --> 00:15:32,474 Uh... All right. 197 00:15:32,557 --> 00:15:33,743 Look, Nic needs some more time. 198 00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:37,854 And that's fine. 199 00:15:37,938 --> 00:15:38,855 - Okay? - Okay. 200 00:15:38,939 --> 00:15:39,814 Okay? 201 00:15:39,898 --> 00:15:41,775 Yeah, okay. 202 00:15:48,698 --> 00:15:49,866 Shh. 203 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:56,164 David Sheff. 204 00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:57,248 Hi, Mr. Sheff. 205 00:15:57,332 --> 00:15:59,626 This is Annie Goldblum from the Ohlhoff Center. 206 00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:01,378 Oh, yes. Hi. Hello. 207 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,129 Listen, I am sorry to disturb you, 208 00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:06,299 but I need to inform you about Nic. 209 00:16:06,383 --> 00:16:08,551 Okay. 210 00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:11,137 He left the facility today during free time, 211 00:16:11,221 --> 00:16:13,932 and he hasn't returned since. 212 00:16:15,392 --> 00:16:16,643 I'm sorry, Mr. Sheff, 213 00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:18,228 but please don't despair. 214 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:20,397 This happens. 215 00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:25,318 But I... I thought you said he was doing so well. 216 00:16:25,402 --> 00:16:28,989 You should think of this as part of the process. 217 00:16:29,072 --> 00:16:31,700 Relapse is a part of recovery. 218 00:16:31,783 --> 00:16:33,535 Relapse is part of recovery? 219 00:16:33,618 --> 00:16:35,954 Yeah. It-it's a part of Nic's learning process. 220 00:16:36,037 --> 00:16:38,331 Well, uh, that's... 221 00:16:38,415 --> 00:16:41,918 that's like saying crashing is part of pilot training. 222 00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:45,088 Look, he'll be back, and probably really quick. 223 00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:46,840 Do you have somebody out looking for him? 224 00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:48,258 It is not our responsibility 225 00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:49,884 once he leaves the facility. 226 00:16:49,968 --> 00:16:51,720 - Okay. - But he is welcome to... 227 00:17:07,485 --> 00:17:10,405 ♪ An alien ♪ 228 00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:15,660 ♪ Cultures weren't opinions ♪ 229 00:17:15,744 --> 00:17:17,954 ♪ Gotta find a way, to find a way ♪ 230 00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:20,540 ♪ When I'm there ♪ 231 00:17:20,623 --> 00:17:23,209 ♪ Gotta find a way, a better way ♪ 232 00:17:23,293 --> 00:17:26,046 ♪ I'd better wait ♪ 233 00:17:28,089 --> 00:17:29,966 Excuse me. 234 00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:32,427 Have you seen a kid hanging out around here? 235 00:17:32,510 --> 00:17:34,304 - No. - No? 236 00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:36,639 Okay, thank you. 237 00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:41,519 ♪ Just because you're paranoid ♪ 238 00:17:41,603 --> 00:17:46,149 ♪ Don't mean they're not after you ♪ 239 00:17:52,489 --> 00:17:54,824 ♪ Gotta find a way, a better way ♪ 240 00:17:54,908 --> 00:17:57,535 ♪ When I'm there ♪ 241 00:17:57,619 --> 00:17:59,746 ♪ Gotta find a way, a better way ♪ 242 00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:02,582 ♪ I'd better wait ♪ 243 00:18:02,665 --> 00:18:05,585 ♪ Gotta find a way, a better way ♪ 244 00:18:05,668 --> 00:18:08,338 ♪ I'd better wait ♪ 245 00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:10,840 ♪ Gotta find a way, a better way ♪ 246 00:18:10,924 --> 00:18:13,468 ♪ When I'm there ♪ 247 00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:15,053 ♪ Gotta find a way ♪ 248 00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:17,806 ♪ Aah, aah! ♪ 249 00:18:17,889 --> 00:18:19,849 ♪ Aah! ♪ 250 00:18:22,393 --> 00:18:24,270 Wow. They don't want to deal with that. 251 00:18:24,354 --> 00:18:25,414 Hey, Dad, you want to smoke this? 252 00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:26,439 Hey, whoa. 253 00:18:26,523 --> 00:18:27,941 Wait. What...? Stop. 254 00:18:28,024 --> 00:18:29,376 - Put that away. - We'll smoke this together. 255 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,361 No, no, no. No. Are you cra... 256 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:32,838 - That's crazy. - Well, I know you smoke. 257 00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:34,822 - Y... Well, yeah. I... - So let's smoke together. 258 00:18:34,864 --> 00:18:36,324 No, no, no. Occasionally, like... 259 00:18:36,407 --> 00:18:37,593 Look, let's smoke to... let's smoke together. 260 00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:38,535 - Listen. - Or I could just... 261 00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:39,678 You know what? - No, stop it, stop it. 262 00:18:39,702 --> 00:18:41,496 - Stop. Stop. - I'll just light it here a... 263 00:18:41,579 --> 00:18:43,349 You know what? You're right. I'll just light it here alone. 264 00:18:43,373 --> 00:18:44,749 Don't. 265 00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:45,542 Occasionally, from time to time... 266 00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:46,543 Yeah? 267 00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,104 I will have a hit or two at a party, 268 00:18:48,128 --> 00:18:49,963 but it's been a while, so just... 269 00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:51,297 Oh, okay, so then just smoke... 270 00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:54,008 have-have a celebratory joint with your son. 271 00:18:54,092 --> 00:18:56,886 N-No. God, come on. 272 00:18:56,970 --> 00:18:58,596 No. No, you're amazing. 273 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:00,223 You got... you applied to six colleges, 274 00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:01,349 you got into all of them? 275 00:19:01,432 --> 00:19:02,725 Yeah. 276 00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:04,644 Stop doubting yourself. 277 00:19:04,727 --> 00:19:06,354 Look at you. 278 00:19:07,564 --> 00:19:09,065 Give me that. Give me that. 279 00:19:13,736 --> 00:19:15,446 What? 280 00:19:15,530 --> 00:19:17,282 Nice-nice hit. That was a good hit. 281 00:19:19,284 --> 00:19:21,327 - What? - Well... 282 00:19:22,871 --> 00:19:27,167 Thank you. This is a nice... 283 00:19:27,250 --> 00:19:29,335 thing to do. 284 00:19:31,254 --> 00:19:33,214 You did a lot of drugs, right? 285 00:19:33,298 --> 00:19:35,175 I, uh... 286 00:19:35,258 --> 00:19:37,343 Yeah, I did my share. 287 00:19:37,427 --> 00:19:39,095 I experimented with some drugs. 288 00:19:39,179 --> 00:19:41,181 I did. 289 00:19:42,599 --> 00:19:44,225 - But not harmless. - What, is this...? 290 00:19:44,309 --> 00:19:45,727 There was a guy, and... No, no. 291 00:19:45,810 --> 00:19:47,020 This is the lecture part? 292 00:19:47,103 --> 00:19:48,813 - Right? - Yes. 293 00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:50,257 Dad, you worry too much, all right? 294 00:19:50,315 --> 00:19:52,066 - Everyone does it. - Just be careful. 295 00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:54,235 It's just a little pot. I'm just partying a little. 296 00:19:54,319 --> 00:19:56,821 It's just... you know, it's just once in a while. 297 00:19:56,905 --> 00:19:58,156 Mm-hmm. 298 00:19:58,239 --> 00:19:59,782 I deserve to party a little now. 299 00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:01,743 - "Deserve to party." - I do. 300 00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:04,787 Look, it just... it takes the edge off things. 301 00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:08,333 It-it... it-it takes the edge off of stupid all-day reality. 302 00:20:10,835 --> 00:20:12,670 Hmm. 303 00:20:12,754 --> 00:20:16,257 What is stupid about reality? 304 00:20:16,341 --> 00:20:17,842 You know, just like... 305 00:20:17,926 --> 00:20:22,263 like daily, stupid things that don't matter. 306 00:20:22,347 --> 00:20:23,973 Okay. 307 00:20:24,057 --> 00:20:25,516 You cannot say dumb shit like that, 308 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:26,976 or you're gonna start believing it. 309 00:20:27,060 --> 00:20:28,895 Right. 310 00:20:33,441 --> 00:20:35,568 ♪ Blue, blue, electric blue ♪ 311 00:20:35,652 --> 00:20:36,444 ♪ That's the color ♪ 312 00:20:36,527 --> 00:20:37,946 ♪ Of my room ♪ 313 00:20:38,029 --> 00:20:39,364 ♪ Where I will live ♪ 314 00:20:41,824 --> 00:20:43,618 ♪ Blue, blue ♪ 315 00:20:46,955 --> 00:20:49,165 ♪ Pale blinds drawn all day ♪ 316 00:20:49,249 --> 00:20:51,876 ♪ Nothing to do, nothing to say. ♪ 317 00:20:57,966 --> 00:21:00,093 Thanks for bringing that, Karen. 318 00:21:05,932 --> 00:21:07,600 This is my home. 319 00:21:09,435 --> 00:21:11,521 A couple of weeks ago, you told me 320 00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:15,066 that you had only done crystal meth once. 321 00:21:15,149 --> 00:21:18,027 And the story has to be bigger than that, right? 322 00:21:18,111 --> 00:21:20,238 - Mm-hmm. - There's more to it. 323 00:21:20,321 --> 00:21:21,531 Yeah? 324 00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:22,782 David. 325 00:21:22,865 --> 00:21:23,908 We need to know. 326 00:21:25,034 --> 00:21:26,869 We need to know. 327 00:21:30,456 --> 00:21:32,792 I think I always liked it. 328 00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:34,794 What? 329 00:21:36,379 --> 00:21:39,173 Anything. Pot, alcohol, 330 00:21:39,257 --> 00:21:42,343 Ecstasy, cocaine, LSD. 331 00:21:43,928 --> 00:21:46,222 And you've been doing all of that 332 00:21:46,306 --> 00:21:48,266 for what... years? 333 00:21:48,349 --> 00:21:50,268 A couple years, yeah. 334 00:21:51,561 --> 00:21:52,937 And crystal meth? 335 00:21:54,397 --> 00:21:56,357 Just a couple months. 336 00:21:57,817 --> 00:21:59,110 Wh-Why? 337 00:22:01,821 --> 00:22:02,821 I don't know. 338 00:22:02,864 --> 00:22:04,782 Um... 339 00:22:09,704 --> 00:22:12,457 When I tried it, I felt... 340 00:22:17,879 --> 00:22:21,299 I felt better than I ever had, so... 341 00:22:21,382 --> 00:22:23,718 I just kept on doing it. 342 00:22:23,801 --> 00:22:26,971 I was worried that you were smoking too much pot. 343 00:22:27,055 --> 00:22:31,517 Meanwhile, you're out doing every drug on the planet? 344 00:22:31,601 --> 00:22:36,814 And hiding it and lying? Why? 345 00:22:39,275 --> 00:22:40,275 I don't know. Um... 346 00:22:40,318 --> 00:22:42,028 Why Nic, tell me why? 347 00:22:42,111 --> 00:22:43,154 Ease up. 348 00:22:43,237 --> 00:22:44,947 - I don't know. - I thought we were close. 349 00:22:45,031 --> 00:22:47,051 I thought we were closer than most fathers and sons. 350 00:22:47,075 --> 00:22:49,452 Yeah, I feel like you're always disappointed in me. 351 00:22:49,535 --> 00:22:50,596 You're disappointed I didn't go to college. 352 00:22:50,620 --> 00:22:51,871 Can you blame me?! 353 00:22:51,954 --> 00:22:53,539 Just, uh, not too long ago, 354 00:22:53,623 --> 00:22:55,267 you were reading and you were writing, and you were on 355 00:22:55,291 --> 00:22:57,460 the water polo team. 356 00:22:57,543 --> 00:22:58,920 And look at us now. 357 00:22:59,003 --> 00:23:00,064 - Dad... - Can you please stop? 358 00:23:00,088 --> 00:23:01,440 This isn't us. This is not who we are. 359 00:23:01,464 --> 00:23:03,758 Just, please, both of you, stop. 360 00:23:03,841 --> 00:23:05,593 Dad, I'm really sorry about everything. 361 00:23:08,388 --> 00:23:10,139 Dad, I'm so... 362 00:23:13,309 --> 00:23:14,769 I'm really sorry, Dad. 363 00:23:19,524 --> 00:23:20,775 Nic, what you have... 364 00:23:22,777 --> 00:23:24,445 ...you're gonna find it again. 365 00:23:28,449 --> 00:23:29,909 And you're gonna get it back. 366 00:23:30,701 --> 00:23:32,537 ♪ Long afloat on ♪ 367 00:23:32,620 --> 00:23:34,122 Ow, ow, ow. 368 00:23:34,205 --> 00:23:35,998 - Ow. There you go. - ♪ Shipless oceans ♪ 369 00:23:37,750 --> 00:23:41,295 ♪ I did all my best ♪ 370 00:23:41,379 --> 00:23:43,172 ♪ To smile ♪ 371 00:23:44,924 --> 00:23:47,718 ♪ Till your singing ♪ 372 00:23:47,802 --> 00:23:50,221 ♪ Eyes and fingers ♪ 373 00:23:51,681 --> 00:23:55,184 ♪ Drew me loving ♪ 374 00:23:55,268 --> 00:23:58,521 ♪ To your isle ♪ 375 00:23:58,604 --> 00:23:59,981 ♪ And you sang ♪ 376 00:24:01,983 --> 00:24:03,818 ♪ Sail to me ♪ 377 00:24:05,361 --> 00:24:06,863 ♪ Sail to me ♪ 378 00:24:06,946 --> 00:24:10,366 ♪ Let me enfold you. ♪ 379 00:24:11,576 --> 00:24:13,369 Nic! 380 00:24:23,296 --> 00:24:25,214 Nic! 381 00:24:26,591 --> 00:24:27,884 Nic! 382 00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:31,387 Nic! 383 00:24:41,814 --> 00:24:43,774 Nic! 384 00:24:58,539 --> 00:24:59,916 Hey, Dad. 385 00:24:59,999 --> 00:25:01,667 Hey. 386 00:25:01,751 --> 00:25:03,211 How's New York? 387 00:25:03,294 --> 00:25:04,504 Fine. Good. 388 00:25:04,587 --> 00:25:05,880 Good interview today. 389 00:25:05,963 --> 00:25:07,298 - Nice. - How are you? 390 00:25:07,381 --> 00:25:09,926 Oh, I'm-I'm doing good. Yeah. 391 00:25:10,009 --> 00:25:11,552 Yeah? You sure? 392 00:25:11,636 --> 00:25:13,387 Yeah. I don't... well... 393 00:25:13,471 --> 00:25:15,181 What? 394 00:25:15,264 --> 00:25:16,766 It's, uh... 395 00:25:16,849 --> 00:25:18,267 What's going on? 396 00:25:18,351 --> 00:25:21,187 Uh, we had this great group session, 397 00:25:21,270 --> 00:25:23,814 and one of the guys here was saying he would do anything 398 00:25:23,898 --> 00:25:25,942 for a chance to go to college, but he can't. 399 00:25:26,025 --> 00:25:27,945 Okay. - And when we were talking later, he said, 400 00:25:28,027 --> 00:25:30,196 "You could still go to college. Don't be an idiot. 401 00:25:30,279 --> 00:25:32,156 Go to college." 402 00:25:33,449 --> 00:25:34,992 I don't know, it's just crazy. 403 00:25:35,076 --> 00:25:38,037 I realized I don't think I should stay behind. 404 00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:39,247 I love writing. 405 00:25:39,330 --> 00:25:41,791 And I feel like I'm good at it, 406 00:25:41,874 --> 00:25:44,627 and I do it a lot, but... 407 00:25:44,710 --> 00:25:47,463 obviously, there's still a lot 408 00:25:47,547 --> 00:25:49,799 for-for me to learn and... 409 00:25:51,467 --> 00:25:53,678 Anyway, um... 410 00:25:53,761 --> 00:25:56,514 I'd love to give it a go, if... 411 00:25:56,597 --> 00:25:59,308 you know, if it's all right with you guys. 412 00:26:02,228 --> 00:26:05,690 Yeah. I'll talk to Karen and to your mom. 413 00:26:06,816 --> 00:26:08,568 Back here. 414 00:26:31,841 --> 00:26:33,384 Have you met your roommate yet? 415 00:26:33,467 --> 00:26:34,635 Yeah, he seems nice. 416 00:26:34,719 --> 00:26:36,679 He's just in the hall. 417 00:26:36,762 --> 00:26:37,972 I feel for you, though. 418 00:26:39,515 --> 00:26:40,766 Ouch. 419 00:26:40,850 --> 00:26:42,351 No worries. I'll educate him. 420 00:26:44,228 --> 00:26:46,355 Before you know it, he'll be listening to John Zorn. 421 00:26:46,439 --> 00:26:48,232 Ah. 422 00:26:56,782 --> 00:26:58,784 Well, I better get going. 423 00:26:58,868 --> 00:27:00,369 All right. 424 00:27:12,298 --> 00:27:16,093 - Everything. - Everything. 425 00:27:30,524 --> 00:27:33,235 So, this is a poem by Charles Bukowski. 426 00:27:37,114 --> 00:27:40,785 Uh, this man saved my life multiple times, so... 427 00:27:40,868 --> 00:27:43,496 I changed jobs and cities, 428 00:27:43,579 --> 00:27:45,331 I hated holidays, 429 00:27:45,414 --> 00:27:46,707 babies, history, 430 00:27:46,791 --> 00:27:51,671 newspapers, museums, grandmothers, 431 00:27:51,754 --> 00:27:54,882 marriage, movies, spiders... 432 00:27:54,965 --> 00:27:56,565 I want to see it, I want to see it! Oh! 433 00:27:56,634 --> 00:27:57,551 ...garbage men, 434 00:27:57,635 --> 00:27:59,428 - English accents... - Nice. Go, go, go! 435 00:27:59,512 --> 00:28:01,889 ...Spain, France, 436 00:28:01,972 --> 00:28:06,686 Italy, walnuts and the color orange. 437 00:28:06,769 --> 00:28:11,232 Algebra angered me, opera sickened me, 438 00:28:11,315 --> 00:28:12,942 Charlie Chaplin was a fake 439 00:28:13,025 --> 00:28:15,111 and flowers were for pansies. 440 00:28:20,032 --> 00:28:21,951 Thanks. 441 00:28:37,717 --> 00:28:40,594 Come here. 442 00:28:46,225 --> 00:28:48,269 Mm. 443 00:28:48,352 --> 00:28:50,896 Hi. 444 00:29:12,668 --> 00:29:14,336 Where's your bathroom? 445 00:29:14,420 --> 00:29:15,647 Hey, is there a bathroom I can use? 446 00:29:15,671 --> 00:29:16,922 Sure, honey. 447 00:29:17,006 --> 00:29:19,046 I'll show you where it is. Go right up, to the left. 448 00:30:31,622 --> 00:30:33,958 - Hey, Dad. - Hey, Nic. 449 00:30:34,041 --> 00:30:35,709 How you doing? What's going on? 450 00:30:35,793 --> 00:30:37,229 Oh, no, everything's going great here, yeah. 451 00:30:37,253 --> 00:30:38,647 Oh, hey, thanks for sending the money. 452 00:30:38,671 --> 00:30:39,755 I really appreciate that. 453 00:32:06,425 --> 00:32:08,969 Yeah, you always hog the fondue. 454 00:32:09,053 --> 00:32:11,472 Oh, uh, Patrick and Phil are going hiking tomorrow, 455 00:32:11,555 --> 00:32:14,558 so they'd like us to join them. 456 00:32:18,979 --> 00:32:21,523 Are Jasper and Daisy here, by any...? 457 00:32:21,607 --> 00:32:22,775 - They're not here. - No? 458 00:32:22,858 --> 00:32:24,336 - No. - Oh, they didn't want to see me? 459 00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:25,545 No, they didn't want to see you. 460 00:32:25,569 --> 00:32:26,649 Oh, that's tough to hear. 461 00:32:26,695 --> 00:32:30,157 Uh, well, I'm gonna just have a seat on this couch 462 00:32:30,240 --> 00:32:31,116 and think about that, huh? 463 00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:33,118 - Oh! - Whoa! Whoa! 464 00:32:33,202 --> 00:32:35,829 Oh, my God! Oh, my God, it's Daisy! 465 00:32:35,913 --> 00:32:37,623 Oh, Jasper! 466 00:32:37,706 --> 00:32:40,501 Oh, my God, you guys have gotten so much bigger! 467 00:32:40,584 --> 00:32:43,253 Oh! Oh, my God, you're so...! 468 00:32:45,089 --> 00:32:47,091 - Okay. - Denmark, 1632. 469 00:32:47,174 --> 00:32:48,884 - Oh, no. - We... 470 00:32:48,968 --> 00:32:52,805 Like to look back at the history of Hula-Hoops. 471 00:32:52,888 --> 00:32:55,641 So important to, uh, 472 00:32:55,724 --> 00:32:57,518 the culture of peace and wisdom. 473 00:32:57,601 --> 00:33:01,355 Um, a man named George... Hoopulu. 474 00:33:01,438 --> 00:33:04,441 Was, uh... was, uh... 475 00:33:04,525 --> 00:33:06,151 And he thought... 476 00:33:06,235 --> 00:33:08,696 "Well, I'm going to 477 00:33:08,779 --> 00:33:10,280 develop something that I..." 478 00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:17,413 Hey. 479 00:33:17,496 --> 00:33:20,332 Hey. Uh... 480 00:33:20,416 --> 00:33:23,877 Hey. Um... 481 00:33:23,961 --> 00:33:26,147 I was wondering, do you think I could use your car tonight? 482 00:33:26,171 --> 00:33:28,382 'Cause I just... I want to go to a meeting. 483 00:33:28,465 --> 00:33:30,300 Oh. You got a meeting tonight? 484 00:33:30,384 --> 00:33:32,219 Yeah, sure. 485 00:33:36,390 --> 00:33:37,641 Y-You good? 486 00:33:37,725 --> 00:33:40,060 Yeah. I just... 487 00:33:40,728 --> 00:33:41,603 - They're crazy. - Yeah. 488 00:33:41,687 --> 00:33:43,188 They're really excited you're home. 489 00:33:46,233 --> 00:33:47,836 I mean, I'll see you in the morning, I guess. 490 00:33:47,860 --> 00:33:49,737 Okay. 491 00:33:51,113 --> 00:33:53,115 All right. 492 00:34:15,137 --> 00:34:16,930 Yep! Mm! 493 00:34:39,620 --> 00:34:41,288 Where is it?! 494 00:34:41,371 --> 00:34:42,873 I don't have it! 495 00:34:42,956 --> 00:34:44,416 Where is it?! 496 00:34:44,500 --> 00:34:45,918 I don't have it! 497 00:34:46,001 --> 00:34:48,462 Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. 498 00:34:48,545 --> 00:34:50,172 Where is it?! 499 00:34:50,255 --> 00:34:51,298 Guys, guys, stop it. 500 00:34:51,381 --> 00:34:52,508 I don't know! 501 00:34:52,591 --> 00:34:53,651 Stop. Calm down. What's going on in here? 502 00:34:53,675 --> 00:34:55,052 She took my money! 503 00:34:55,135 --> 00:34:56,261 I didn't. 504 00:34:56,345 --> 00:34:58,472 Okay, all right. Come on, go downstairs 505 00:34:58,555 --> 00:35:00,241 - and see Mommy, all right? - You took them! 506 00:35:00,265 --> 00:35:02,184 Don't, don't, don't. Stop, stop. 507 00:35:02,267 --> 00:35:05,229 - I didn't take it, Daddy. - I know you didn't. All right. 508 00:35:05,312 --> 00:35:07,940 Just go downstairs and have some breakfast. 509 00:35:08,023 --> 00:35:09,108 Hey, what happened? 510 00:35:10,859 --> 00:35:12,152 They're gone. 511 00:35:12,236 --> 00:35:14,696 Okay. Are you sure you had it in there? 512 00:35:14,780 --> 00:35:17,449 - Yeah. I had them yesterday. - Okay. 513 00:35:25,249 --> 00:35:27,251 Jasper's savings disappeared. 514 00:35:29,378 --> 00:35:30,838 Yeah? That's weird. 515 00:35:36,927 --> 00:35:38,637 Did you take his eight dollars? 516 00:35:41,348 --> 00:35:42,724 What? 517 00:35:42,808 --> 00:35:43,851 You heard me. 518 00:35:44,434 --> 00:35:46,687 Why would I? 519 00:35:46,770 --> 00:35:48,856 It disappeared, and somebody has to have done it. 520 00:35:48,939 --> 00:35:51,066 Right, so it's me. 521 00:35:51,150 --> 00:35:53,735 This is fucking ridiculous. 522 00:35:53,819 --> 00:35:56,697 Are you using again? 523 00:35:56,780 --> 00:35:59,825 Am I using again? No. 524 00:36:01,410 --> 00:36:04,121 Are you high right now? 525 00:36:04,204 --> 00:36:05,789 What the f...? No. 526 00:36:05,873 --> 00:36:07,875 - Fuck you. - "Fuck you"? 527 00:36:07,958 --> 00:36:09,376 Don't talk to me that way. 528 00:36:09,459 --> 00:36:11,003 Are you high right now? 529 00:36:11,086 --> 00:36:12,379 No. 530 00:36:12,462 --> 00:36:14,006 You're not using right now? 531 00:36:14,089 --> 00:36:15,382 Are you using? 532 00:36:15,465 --> 00:36:19,136 No, Dad, I'm not fucking high right now! 533 00:36:19,219 --> 00:36:21,096 Okay. 534 00:36:24,474 --> 00:36:27,769 Listen, it was a gamble to send you to college. 535 00:36:27,853 --> 00:36:30,564 Everybody supported it. 536 00:36:30,647 --> 00:36:32,524 I'm glad that you went. 537 00:36:33,775 --> 00:36:36,236 Relapse is a part of rec... 538 00:36:36,320 --> 00:36:38,197 Relapse is part of recovery. 539 00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:42,117 - So we're gonna get... - I better leave. 540 00:36:50,626 --> 00:36:53,086 - David? - Hey. 541 00:36:53,170 --> 00:36:55,964 Just... where-where are you gonna go? 542 00:36:56,048 --> 00:36:58,383 You can't just leave. This is ridiculous. 543 00:36:58,467 --> 00:36:59,801 - Come on. - Will you talk to us? 544 00:36:59,885 --> 00:37:01,487 I mean, really... we just want to talk to you. 545 00:37:01,511 --> 00:37:04,056 Why don't... Try to help us understand. 546 00:37:04,139 --> 00:37:05,575 - Or just let us help you. - All right? 547 00:37:05,599 --> 00:37:07,076 I don't want your fucking help. Don't you understand that? 548 00:37:07,100 --> 00:37:08,602 - No. - No, you don't. Jesus Christ, 549 00:37:08,685 --> 00:37:10,330 then what the fuck is wrong with you, then, huh? 550 00:37:10,354 --> 00:37:11,664 What the hell is wrong with you people? 551 00:37:11,688 --> 00:37:12,731 Nic. 552 00:37:12,814 --> 00:37:13,917 - No! You fucking suffocate me. - Hey. 553 00:37:13,941 --> 00:37:14,733 - Oh... - You fucking suffocate me! 554 00:37:14,816 --> 00:37:17,236 Whoa, it's us? We're the problem? 555 00:37:17,319 --> 00:37:19,005 No. You know what, you're the one who's doing it! 556 00:37:19,029 --> 00:37:21,156 You're the one who's causing it! 557 00:37:21,240 --> 00:37:23,867 And you're the only one who can stop it! 558 00:37:23,951 --> 00:37:25,035 Fucking solve it! 559 00:37:53,730 --> 00:37:54,730 Fuck! 560 00:37:55,816 --> 00:37:57,234 Fuck! 561 00:39:50,305 --> 00:39:52,724 So, this is for the, uh, 562 00:39:52,808 --> 00:39:54,393 "New York Times Magazine"? 563 00:39:54,476 --> 00:39:56,186 Oh, no. 564 00:39:56,269 --> 00:39:57,562 I'm a... I-I write. 565 00:39:57,646 --> 00:39:59,106 I freelance for different magazines, 566 00:39:59,189 --> 00:40:02,192 but this is... this is a personal matter. 567 00:40:02,275 --> 00:40:04,403 - A personal matter? - Yes. I'm sorry. 568 00:40:04,486 --> 00:40:06,738 Is that okay? - Uh, no, it's absolutely okay. 569 00:40:06,822 --> 00:40:08,615 May I ask what-what this is regarding? 570 00:40:08,698 --> 00:40:11,118 Uh, it's about my son. 571 00:40:11,201 --> 00:40:13,120 Okay. 572 00:40:16,206 --> 00:40:19,334 He's been doing all sorts of drugs, 573 00:40:19,418 --> 00:40:21,253 but he's addicted to crystal meth, 574 00:40:21,336 --> 00:40:25,090 which seems, uh, to be the worst of all of them. 575 00:40:25,173 --> 00:40:27,384 And I guess I'm here 576 00:40:27,467 --> 00:40:31,138 because I just want to know all that I can 577 00:40:31,221 --> 00:40:34,141 about all of it. 578 00:40:34,224 --> 00:40:36,726 So, uh, crystal meth, uh, 579 00:40:36,810 --> 00:40:38,650 gives the user a feeling of instant euphoria... 580 00:40:38,728 --> 00:40:41,231 at least, when he takes it. 581 00:40:41,314 --> 00:40:42,500 You know, but when it wears off, 582 00:40:42,524 --> 00:40:44,276 with a depletion of as much as 60% 583 00:40:44,359 --> 00:40:47,237 of the dopamine, the user has to up the doses. 584 00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:51,283 He has to double it, triple it just to feel something, 585 00:40:51,366 --> 00:40:53,493 causing even more nerve damage, 586 00:40:53,577 --> 00:40:57,372 which, uh, increases the compulsion to use. 587 00:40:57,456 --> 00:40:58,957 Horrible cycle. 588 00:41:01,042 --> 00:41:03,170 - What's up? - Hey. 589 00:41:03,253 --> 00:41:05,881 Just doing some research. 590 00:41:33,158 --> 00:41:35,076 Hi. 591 00:41:41,208 --> 00:41:43,251 Are you hungry? 592 00:41:43,335 --> 00:41:46,421 You want to get something? 593 00:41:46,505 --> 00:41:49,090 Most guys just ask me for a blow job. 594 00:41:49,174 --> 00:41:52,677 Oh, no. No, I'm just offering something to eat. 595 00:41:52,761 --> 00:41:55,096 Maybe talk a little, if you're up to it. 596 00:41:55,180 --> 00:41:58,517 Meth changes the brain physically. 597 00:41:58,600 --> 00:42:00,936 Here we see the loss of dopamine receptors 598 00:42:01,019 --> 00:42:02,979 in a meth user's brain. 599 00:42:03,063 --> 00:42:05,524 Now, I'm gonna show you something else here. 600 00:42:05,607 --> 00:42:09,319 Do you see, uh, right here there are these two red, uh... 601 00:42:09,402 --> 00:42:10,946 - large, red spots right here? - Yeah. 602 00:42:11,029 --> 00:42:13,740 Okay, what that shows is hyperactivity in the amygdala. 603 00:42:13,823 --> 00:42:15,700 And the amygdala is a region of the brain 604 00:42:15,784 --> 00:42:18,203 that is linked with anxiety and fear. 605 00:42:18,286 --> 00:42:20,330 Here the amygdala is screaming. 606 00:42:24,167 --> 00:42:26,169 What this shows us 607 00:42:26,253 --> 00:42:28,547 is that there is a biological basis, 608 00:42:28,630 --> 00:42:32,342 uh, that meth users may be unable... 609 00:42:32,425 --> 00:42:34,469 not unwilling, but unable... 610 00:42:34,553 --> 00:42:37,764 to participate in normal treatment programs. 611 00:42:37,847 --> 00:42:39,266 I was in rehab, too. 612 00:42:40,475 --> 00:42:41,935 Three times. 613 00:42:42,018 --> 00:42:44,437 Ran away every time. 614 00:42:44,521 --> 00:42:46,940 Why? 615 00:42:47,023 --> 00:42:49,150 It was hell. 616 00:42:49,234 --> 00:42:51,570 Wanted to die. 617 00:42:51,653 --> 00:42:53,572 Why was it hell? 618 00:42:53,655 --> 00:42:56,449 All that God shit. 619 00:42:56,533 --> 00:42:58,451 Also, you just don't know how good it gets 620 00:42:58,535 --> 00:43:00,453 when it gets good. 621 00:43:00,537 --> 00:43:02,581 It's hard to explain. 622 00:43:02,664 --> 00:43:04,499 Feels like cocaine 623 00:43:04,583 --> 00:43:06,084 but multiplied by, like, a thousand. 624 00:43:06,167 --> 00:43:07,836 Or, like, a million. 625 00:43:07,919 --> 00:43:10,463 What does this mean for Nic? 626 00:43:10,547 --> 00:43:12,465 Look, Mr. Sheff, I... 627 00:43:12,549 --> 00:43:15,427 I don't know who promised you what, 628 00:43:15,510 --> 00:43:19,431 but the success percentage is in the single digits. 629 00:43:21,433 --> 00:43:22,726 Okay. 630 00:43:24,853 --> 00:43:27,606 What about your parents? 631 00:43:27,689 --> 00:43:29,816 What about them? 632 00:43:29,899 --> 00:43:32,652 Don't you think they're worried about you? 633 00:43:32,736 --> 00:43:35,155 Shouldn't you... 634 00:43:35,238 --> 00:43:37,490 let them know that... 635 00:43:37,574 --> 00:43:39,826 They don't care. 636 00:43:39,909 --> 00:43:43,163 Well, I think they do. 637 00:43:44,289 --> 00:43:47,208 What the fuck do you know? 638 00:43:54,090 --> 00:43:56,009 I gotta go. 639 00:43:56,092 --> 00:43:59,179 Oh. Okay. 640 00:44:02,557 --> 00:44:05,060 Thanks. 641 00:44:22,744 --> 00:44:25,497 - Hey! - Hey! Hey, now! 642 00:45:22,595 --> 00:45:24,013 God. 643 00:46:52,852 --> 00:46:54,729 I'm gonna try some Klingon on you. 644 00:46:54,813 --> 00:46:55,855 Ready? 645 00:47:04,531 --> 00:47:06,658 - You know what I said? - May I have a Coca-Cola? 646 00:47:06,741 --> 00:47:08,326 Exactly. 647 00:47:08,409 --> 00:47:10,203 That's it. 648 00:47:10,286 --> 00:47:12,205 That's exactly what I asked. 649 00:47:12,288 --> 00:47:13,665 Can I have a Coca-Cola? 650 00:47:13,748 --> 00:47:15,583 All right. If you ask me in Klingon, 651 00:47:15,667 --> 00:47:17,585 maybe I'll get you a Coke. 652 00:47:35,228 --> 00:47:37,272 Hey. 653 00:47:49,868 --> 00:47:51,744 Oh, wow. 654 00:47:53,288 --> 00:47:55,456 This hasn't changed at all. 655 00:47:55,540 --> 00:47:58,543 This place. 656 00:47:59,919 --> 00:48:01,588 - Hey. - So, how you doing? 657 00:48:01,671 --> 00:48:03,006 I'm doing great. 658 00:48:03,089 --> 00:48:05,216 You know, just, um... 659 00:48:05,300 --> 00:48:07,051 um... 660 00:48:07,135 --> 00:48:09,012 just doing what needs to be done. 661 00:48:10,096 --> 00:48:11,890 What does that mean? 662 00:48:11,973 --> 00:48:15,685 Just being responsible for myself and... 663 00:48:15,768 --> 00:48:17,896 I've quit on my own, you know, so... 664 00:48:17,979 --> 00:48:20,064 I got five days now. 665 00:48:21,774 --> 00:48:23,943 I feel like I'm doing well, but I just need, um... 666 00:48:24,027 --> 00:48:27,155 I just need a few hundred bucks, though. 667 00:48:27,238 --> 00:48:28,865 Nic, I can't give you any money. 668 00:48:30,950 --> 00:48:32,869 Yeah. 669 00:48:32,952 --> 00:48:35,121 Okay. 670 00:48:35,204 --> 00:48:36,873 It's just 200 bucks. I just need, um... 671 00:48:36,956 --> 00:48:38,458 I just need to get some shit together. 672 00:48:38,541 --> 00:48:39,751 I want to go to New York. 673 00:48:39,834 --> 00:48:42,045 - New York? - Yeah. 674 00:48:42,128 --> 00:48:43,922 I need to get out of San Francisco. 675 00:48:44,005 --> 00:48:45,632 There's too Many... 676 00:48:45,715 --> 00:48:47,508 All these fucking bad vibes here 677 00:48:47,592 --> 00:48:50,470 all the time. 678 00:48:50,553 --> 00:48:52,388 Yeah, I just need a few hundred bucks. 679 00:48:52,472 --> 00:48:54,766 Why don't we just have lunch and talk? 680 00:48:54,849 --> 00:48:57,352 - We can do that, right? - Mm. Hmm. 681 00:49:03,399 --> 00:49:06,027 How... how's Karen and, uh... and the kids? 682 00:49:06,110 --> 00:49:09,489 Okay. They ask about you. 683 00:49:09,572 --> 00:49:12,408 It's their step-up next week, and I know they'd love you... 684 00:49:12,492 --> 00:49:14,386 Dad, you're, uh... you're guilt-tripping me, all right? 685 00:49:14,410 --> 00:49:15,787 No, I'm just saying... 686 00:49:15,870 --> 00:49:18,081 I should feel horrible about myself. 687 00:49:19,540 --> 00:49:24,128 I know they wanted you to be there, that's all. 688 00:49:24,212 --> 00:49:25,797 I'm sorry, Dad. 689 00:49:25,880 --> 00:49:29,342 Um... I just need some fucking money, all right? 690 00:49:29,425 --> 00:49:30,819 So please just give me some fucking money. 691 00:49:30,843 --> 00:49:32,196 And then what? Where does this end? 692 00:49:32,220 --> 00:49:33,697 This is... I got to see this one through. 693 00:49:33,721 --> 00:49:35,407 This is kind of working out for me right now. 694 00:49:35,431 --> 00:49:36,617 - I got five days sober. - It doesn't look 695 00:49:36,641 --> 00:49:37,721 like it's working out, Nic. 696 00:49:37,767 --> 00:49:38,953 Oh, it doesn't look like it's working out? 697 00:49:38,977 --> 00:49:39,894 So what, then, therapy? Huh? - No. 698 00:49:39,978 --> 00:49:41,312 - You can come home. - No. 699 00:49:41,396 --> 00:49:43,082 - That wouldn't... - We'll make it work. Please. 700 00:49:43,106 --> 00:49:44,232 Nic. 701 00:49:46,109 --> 00:49:47,193 Please. 702 00:49:54,534 --> 00:49:56,762 - I've been doing some research. - Been doing fucking research? 703 00:49:56,786 --> 00:49:59,247 - You got to be kidding me, Dad. - No... 704 00:49:59,330 --> 00:50:01,332 You think that you have this under control. 705 00:50:01,416 --> 00:50:04,085 Mm-hmm. - And I understand how scared you are. 706 00:50:04,168 --> 00:50:06,128 I understand why I do things... it doesn't make me 707 00:50:06,170 --> 00:50:08,256 any different, all right? I'm attracted to craziness. 708 00:50:08,339 --> 00:50:11,092 And you're just embarrassed, 'cause I was, like, you know... 709 00:50:11,175 --> 00:50:12,403 I was, like, this amazing thing, 710 00:50:12,427 --> 00:50:13,821 like, your special creation or something, 711 00:50:13,845 --> 00:50:16,055 - and you don't like who I am now. - Yeah? 712 00:50:16,139 --> 00:50:17,324 - Who are you, Nic? - This is me, Dad. 713 00:50:17,348 --> 00:50:19,767 Here. This is who I am. 714 00:50:27,108 --> 00:50:29,152 You don't like what you see? 715 00:50:35,658 --> 00:50:39,871 You know, the more I think about it... 716 00:50:39,954 --> 00:50:42,165 Mom should've gotten custody. 717 00:50:42,248 --> 00:50:44,709 Because you always gotta be fucking 718 00:50:44,792 --> 00:50:46,586 controlling everything all the time. 719 00:50:46,669 --> 00:50:49,172 You're allowed to be mad at me, Nic. I made mistakes. 720 00:50:49,255 --> 00:50:52,050 I understand that. I wish that I hadn't, but I did. 721 00:50:52,133 --> 00:50:54,844 But, God, what you're saying right now 722 00:50:54,927 --> 00:50:57,889 - doesn't make any sense. - You're doing this right now! 723 00:50:57,972 --> 00:50:59,366 You're fucking controlling me right now! 724 00:50:59,390 --> 00:51:02,268 It's not you. It is not you, Nic. It is the drugs talking. 725 00:51:02,351 --> 00:51:03,620 What does that even fucking mean, huh? 726 00:51:03,644 --> 00:51:04,644 Psychological terror. 727 00:51:04,687 --> 00:51:05,813 It's what addicts do. 728 00:51:05,897 --> 00:51:07,332 What the fuck are you doing right now, huh? 729 00:51:07,356 --> 00:51:09,859 What is this? What are you doing, huh? 730 00:51:17,992 --> 00:51:19,911 Oh,. 731 00:51:23,081 --> 00:51:26,000 I didn't want it to go like this. 732 00:51:29,796 --> 00:51:31,339 All right. 733 00:51:31,422 --> 00:51:33,007 I should go, Dad. 734 00:51:37,804 --> 00:51:39,889 Let me... let me book you a room. 735 00:51:39,972 --> 00:51:40,807 No, Dad. 736 00:51:40,890 --> 00:51:42,117 At a hotel for a couple of nights. 737 00:51:42,141 --> 00:51:43,643 No. Dad... 738 00:51:43,726 --> 00:51:45,120 Why don't we just go get some food? 739 00:51:45,144 --> 00:51:47,271 Dad, I should go. 740 00:51:48,648 --> 00:51:49,888 Can you say good-bye, at least? 741 00:51:49,941 --> 00:51:50,941 Bye, Dad. 742 00:52:02,537 --> 00:52:04,497 Where does he sleep? 743 00:52:04,580 --> 00:52:07,083 Um, don't worry about that, sweetie. 744 00:52:07,166 --> 00:52:08,209 He's fine. 745 00:52:13,339 --> 00:52:15,675 Um... 746 00:52:15,758 --> 00:52:18,469 maybe he has a friend and he sleeps there. 747 00:52:18,553 --> 00:52:22,223 - Mm-hmm. Yeah. Maybe. - Dolphin. 748 00:52:22,306 --> 00:52:23,975 - Hope so. - Need "E." 749 00:52:24,058 --> 00:52:25,434 Elephant. 750 00:52:25,518 --> 00:52:27,562 - Can I call him? - Hmm. 751 00:52:27,645 --> 00:52:29,355 No. I tried. 752 00:52:29,438 --> 00:52:32,400 - His phone's disconnected. - Can I send him a message? 753 00:52:32,483 --> 00:52:36,779 Maybe he'll get lonely and turn his phone back on? 754 00:52:36,863 --> 00:52:39,198 That's a good idea. 755 00:52:39,282 --> 00:52:41,242 Yeah. Let's try that. 756 00:53:35,379 --> 00:53:37,006 Dave. 757 00:53:37,089 --> 00:53:39,342 - Yeah? - Okay. Let's go. 758 00:53:43,346 --> 00:53:45,264 Hey, Dave, close your eyes. 759 00:53:45,348 --> 00:53:46,807 Okay. 760 00:53:50,353 --> 00:53:52,271 And... open 'em! 761 00:53:53,648 --> 00:53:55,316 Oh. Wow. 762 00:53:55,399 --> 00:53:56,776 Wow! 763 00:54:55,251 --> 00:54:56,919 Hello? 764 00:54:57,003 --> 00:54:59,755 This is Julie Ford at the Bellevue Hospital in New York. 765 00:54:59,839 --> 00:55:01,590 Is Nic Sheff your son? 766 00:55:05,219 --> 00:55:06,721 Uh, Mr. Sheff, 767 00:55:06,804 --> 00:55:09,181 I'm sorry we missed each other earlier. 768 00:55:09,265 --> 00:55:12,351 So, Nic is still experiencing some respiratory depression, 769 00:55:12,435 --> 00:55:14,270 but his vital signs are returning. 770 00:55:14,353 --> 00:55:16,689 Sir, we're ready for departure. 771 00:55:16,772 --> 00:55:18,190 Okay, okay. 772 00:55:18,274 --> 00:55:20,776 Um... may I talk to him? 773 00:55:20,860 --> 00:55:22,570 No, that won't be possible. 774 00:55:22,653 --> 00:55:24,047 Sir, I need you to turn off the phone. 775 00:55:24,071 --> 00:55:25,132 Believe me, we shouldn't wake him up. 776 00:55:25,156 --> 00:55:26,157 Mm-hmm. 777 00:55:26,240 --> 00:55:27,158 Try again in a few hours, though, okay? 778 00:55:27,241 --> 00:55:29,452 Okay. Uh, would you let him know that... 779 00:55:29,535 --> 00:55:31,245 Sir. Sir. Please. 780 00:55:31,329 --> 00:55:33,329 Would you please let him know that I'm on my way? 781 00:55:41,672 --> 00:55:42,840 He checked out. 782 00:55:42,923 --> 00:55:44,050 What? 783 00:55:44,133 --> 00:55:45,551 Against doctor's orders. 784 00:55:45,634 --> 00:55:47,678 - No, no, he O.D.'d. - I'm sorry, sir. 785 00:55:47,762 --> 00:55:50,014 He pulled out the I.V. and catheter, and left. 786 00:55:50,097 --> 00:55:51,432 How long ago? 787 00:55:51,515 --> 00:55:53,934 Ten to 15 minutes. 788 00:55:54,018 --> 00:55:56,354 I'm sorry, sir. 789 00:56:07,615 --> 00:56:10,201 ♪ Darling, I need your love... ♪ 790 00:56:20,044 --> 00:56:21,921 Yes. 791 00:56:24,256 --> 00:56:26,384 ♪ Your love ♪ 792 00:56:26,467 --> 00:56:29,637 ♪ Darling, I need your love ♪ 793 00:56:29,720 --> 00:56:31,847 ♪ Darling ♪ 794 00:56:31,931 --> 00:56:35,851 ♪ I love you so ♪ 795 00:56:35,935 --> 00:56:39,855 ♪ And I want the whole world to know ♪ 796 00:56:39,939 --> 00:56:42,858 ♪ I'll never let you go... ♪ 797 00:56:42,942 --> 00:56:44,944 Look, I've thought about it, 798 00:56:45,027 --> 00:56:46,862 and I'm done with drugs. 799 00:56:46,946 --> 00:56:48,948 This is it. 800 00:56:51,367 --> 00:56:53,744 I'm telling you, Dad. 801 00:56:53,828 --> 00:56:55,746 I'm done. 802 00:56:55,830 --> 00:56:59,750 ♪ You're all I ever dream of ♪ 803 00:57:01,377 --> 00:57:04,713 ♪ Never leave me... ♪ 804 00:57:05,965 --> 00:57:08,300 And how would that work? 805 00:57:08,384 --> 00:57:11,846 I mean, after what just happened. 806 00:57:11,929 --> 00:57:15,683 ♪ Oh... Stay with me ♪ 807 00:57:15,766 --> 00:57:19,687 ♪ Oh, stay with me, oh, darling ♪ 808 00:57:19,770 --> 00:57:23,107 ♪ Darling, I need your kiss ♪ 809 00:57:23,190 --> 00:57:25,568 ♪ Your love I can't resist... ♪ 810 00:57:27,069 --> 00:57:29,196 Now, if you're in the area, 811 00:57:29,280 --> 00:57:30,781 evacuation orders and details, 812 00:57:30,865 --> 00:57:33,117 including relocation centers, can be found on... 813 00:57:33,200 --> 00:57:35,494 So, at 3:00, we have a conference call 814 00:57:35,578 --> 00:57:37,121 with the intake people in Mississippi. 815 00:57:37,204 --> 00:57:38,456 That's all for now. 816 00:57:38,539 --> 00:57:40,124 3:30, the one in New Mexico. 817 00:57:40,207 --> 00:57:42,084 And 4:00, the one in Oregon. 818 00:57:42,168 --> 00:57:44,795 I did some research on the one in New Mexico. 819 00:57:44,879 --> 00:57:48,174 Mm-hmm. - They charge $40,000 a month. 820 00:57:48,257 --> 00:57:49,776 You know, it's not even that well rated. 821 00:57:49,800 --> 00:57:51,886 We'll just skip that one. 822 00:57:51,969 --> 00:57:54,638 Listen, if a spot opens up here in Los Angeles, 823 00:57:54,722 --> 00:57:56,891 Maybe that's the best solution for now. 824 00:57:56,974 --> 00:57:59,852 I'll hear back from them in an hour. 825 00:57:59,935 --> 00:58:01,103 Mm. 826 00:58:01,187 --> 00:58:03,105 Give it a rest, David. 827 00:58:03,189 --> 00:58:05,232 Why don't you let me take over for now? 828 00:58:10,654 --> 00:58:12,156 Mm. 829 00:58:12,239 --> 00:58:13,991 Dad? 830 00:58:14,074 --> 00:58:15,576 Yeah. 831 00:58:15,659 --> 00:58:19,705 Will you check on me every 15 minutes? 832 00:58:19,788 --> 00:58:22,082 Yes. 833 00:58:28,130 --> 00:58:31,383 ♪ Close your eyes ♪ 834 00:58:31,467 --> 00:58:34,845 ♪ Have no fear ♪ 835 00:58:34,929 --> 00:58:37,014 ♪ The monster's gone ♪ 836 00:58:37,097 --> 00:58:38,974 ♪ He's on the run ♪ 837 00:58:39,058 --> 00:58:42,561 ♪ And your daddy's here ♪ 838 00:58:43,854 --> 00:58:45,981 ♪ Beautiful, beautiful ♪ 839 00:58:46,065 --> 00:58:47,358 ♪ Beautiful ♪ 840 00:58:47,441 --> 00:58:50,361 ♪ Beautiful boy ♪ 841 00:58:53,531 --> 00:58:55,574 ♪ Beautiful, beautiful ♪ 842 00:58:55,658 --> 00:58:57,117 ♪ Beautiful ♪ 843 00:58:57,201 --> 00:58:59,620 ♪ Beautiful boy ♪ 844 00:58:59,703 --> 00:59:01,956 Do you want to bring one of your dinosaurs, too? 845 00:59:02,039 --> 00:59:05,000 ♪ Before you cross the street ♪ 846 00:59:05,084 --> 00:59:06,835 How about a book? 847 00:59:06,919 --> 00:59:08,462 ♪ Take my hand ♪ 848 00:59:08,546 --> 00:59:11,048 No? Okay. 849 00:59:11,131 --> 00:59:13,384 ♪ Life is what happens to you ♪ 850 00:59:13,467 --> 00:59:15,261 ♪ While you're busy ♪ 851 00:59:15,344 --> 00:59:18,514 - ♪ Making other plans ♪ - You ready? 852 00:59:18,597 --> 00:59:20,266 Hey. Hey. 853 00:59:20,349 --> 00:59:22,518 ♪ Darling, darling... ♪ 854 00:59:22,601 --> 00:59:24,645 Can I have a hug? 855 00:59:24,728 --> 00:59:25,729 No? 856 00:59:25,813 --> 00:59:27,314 Why not? 857 00:59:27,398 --> 00:59:29,775 Are you mad at me? 858 00:59:29,858 --> 00:59:31,986 'Cause you have to go? 859 00:59:33,070 --> 00:59:34,655 Okay. 860 00:59:34,738 --> 00:59:38,492 Well... you'll be happy to see Mommy, though, right? 861 00:59:40,619 --> 00:59:42,496 I want you to know something. 862 00:59:42,580 --> 00:59:44,957 When you come back, I'm gonna be here... 863 00:59:45,040 --> 00:59:48,085 right... I'm gonna be right here for you. 864 00:59:48,168 --> 00:59:49,878 Okay? 865 00:59:49,962 --> 00:59:53,048 And call me when you miss me, and I'll call you. 866 00:59:54,383 --> 00:59:56,719 Do you know how much I love you? 867 01:00:03,767 --> 01:00:07,896 If you could take all the words in the language, 868 01:00:07,980 --> 01:00:11,066 it still wouldn't describe how much I love you. 869 01:00:11,150 --> 01:00:14,278 And if you could gather all those words together, 870 01:00:14,361 --> 01:00:17,114 it still wouldn't describe what I feel for you. 871 01:00:17,197 --> 01:00:20,075 What I feel for you is everything. 872 01:00:21,952 --> 01:00:23,954 I love you more than everything. 873 01:00:26,498 --> 01:00:28,834 Everything? 874 01:00:28,917 --> 01:00:30,461 Yeah, everything. 875 01:01:02,660 --> 01:01:04,662 Hey. 876 01:01:04,745 --> 01:01:06,914 That's my mom. 877 01:01:06,997 --> 01:01:10,042 I'm really glad you came to L.A. 878 01:01:10,125 --> 01:01:11,752 You know that, right? 879 01:01:18,926 --> 01:01:20,552 You just don't know what it is to be... 880 01:01:20,636 --> 01:01:23,514 - Please don't do this, Mom. - Okay. 881 01:01:23,597 --> 01:01:25,432 I'm sorry. Okay. 882 01:01:30,688 --> 01:01:33,273 All I could think about was you. 883 01:01:38,362 --> 01:01:41,615 I know this must sound meaningless, but I'm sorry. 884 01:01:45,202 --> 01:01:47,371 I'm-I'm sorry. 885 01:01:48,914 --> 01:01:50,457 Oh, Nicky. 886 01:01:56,296 --> 01:01:58,757 You are such a darling. 887 01:01:58,841 --> 01:02:00,718 You know that, right? 888 01:02:05,180 --> 01:02:07,224 Whew. 889 01:02:21,405 --> 01:02:23,282 Hey, come on, old! 890 01:02:23,365 --> 01:02:25,593 - You're being so disrespectful. - I'm not being disrespectful. 891 01:02:25,617 --> 01:02:27,828 You're being so disrespectful. 892 01:02:29,955 --> 01:02:31,516 - I'm coming for you! - Oh, motherfucker! 893 01:02:31,540 --> 01:02:34,418 Uh-huh. You about to look at my ass, baby! 894 01:02:34,501 --> 01:02:36,712 You about to look at my ass! 895 01:02:45,512 --> 01:02:47,097 Fuck. 896 01:03:10,287 --> 01:03:11,622 That's what I get for helping. 897 01:03:11,705 --> 01:03:13,499 Why'd you pull that hard? 898 01:03:13,582 --> 01:03:15,876 - I'm sorry. - Why do you hate me? 899 01:03:31,642 --> 01:03:33,560 How does this feel? 900 01:03:37,940 --> 01:03:41,109 Like I'm a real human being. 901 01:03:49,159 --> 01:03:52,663 One day, I tried methamphetamine... 902 01:03:52,746 --> 01:03:55,123 Yeah. That felt good. 903 01:03:55,207 --> 01:03:57,626 ...and I thought, 904 01:03:57,709 --> 01:04:00,087 "This is what's been missing." 905 01:04:00,170 --> 01:04:02,714 I felt complete. 906 01:04:02,798 --> 01:04:04,800 Today's a good day. 907 01:04:04,883 --> 01:04:07,678 Yeah, I've been chasing that high 908 01:04:07,761 --> 01:04:09,680 ever since. 909 01:04:09,763 --> 01:04:11,682 No matter... 910 01:04:11,765 --> 01:04:13,684 how much meth... 911 01:04:13,767 --> 01:04:17,646 or whatever else I can find to shoot up into my body... 912 01:04:17,729 --> 01:04:20,148 I do, it's never enough. 913 01:04:23,735 --> 01:04:27,114 And I went to a couple of rehabs, 914 01:04:27,197 --> 01:04:28,699 I detoxed, 915 01:04:28,782 --> 01:04:31,493 they would talk about disease, sure, 916 01:04:31,577 --> 01:04:33,120 but... 917 01:04:33,203 --> 01:04:34,788 it never clicked. 918 01:04:37,749 --> 01:04:41,879 Until one day I woke up in a hospital 919 01:04:41,962 --> 01:04:45,215 and someone asked me, 920 01:04:45,299 --> 01:04:47,634 "What's your problem?" 921 01:04:50,554 --> 01:04:53,724 And I said, "I'm an alcoholic and an addict." 922 01:04:53,807 --> 01:04:55,559 And he said... 923 01:04:55,642 --> 01:04:58,770 "No, that's how you've been treating your problem." 924 01:04:58,854 --> 01:05:00,772 Mm-hmm. - That's right. 925 01:05:00,856 --> 01:05:04,234 I know now I need to find a way 926 01:05:04,318 --> 01:05:07,529 to fill this... 927 01:05:07,613 --> 01:05:09,656 big... 928 01:05:09,740 --> 01:05:11,909 black hole in me. 929 01:05:16,288 --> 01:05:17,956 Anyway, so... 930 01:05:18,040 --> 01:05:21,126 I'm 14 months clean. 931 01:05:21,209 --> 01:05:23,337 I have a job at a rehab. 932 01:05:24,880 --> 01:05:27,174 It's fulfilling to help other people get sober. 933 01:05:29,718 --> 01:05:32,846 I have a sponsor, Spencer. 934 01:05:32,930 --> 01:05:35,682 Shows me how great my life can be sober. 935 01:05:37,184 --> 01:05:39,519 And, um, I still have family. 936 01:05:41,563 --> 01:05:44,358 My mom's been amazing. 937 01:05:44,441 --> 01:05:47,194 My dad's been amazing, too. 938 01:05:53,116 --> 01:05:55,369 I want them to be proud of me. 939 01:06:16,390 --> 01:06:18,976 ♪ I want to live ♪ 940 01:06:20,102 --> 01:06:22,646 ♪ I want to give ♪ 941 01:06:22,729 --> 01:06:24,773 ♪ I've been a miner ♪ 942 01:06:24,856 --> 01:06:28,402 ♪ For a heart of gold ♪ 943 01:06:28,485 --> 01:06:31,530 ♪ It's these expressions ♪ 944 01:06:31,613 --> 01:06:34,616 ♪ I never give that keep me searching... ♪ 945 01:06:34,700 --> 01:06:37,327 You all right? 946 01:06:37,411 --> 01:06:39,496 What's wrong? You nervous? 947 01:06:39,579 --> 01:06:40,789 Yeah. 948 01:06:40,872 --> 01:06:42,582 ♪ And I'm getting old ♪ 949 01:06:45,419 --> 01:06:47,379 ♪ Keep me searching for a... ♪ 950 01:06:47,462 --> 01:06:49,631 Thank you for marrying me. 951 01:06:51,091 --> 01:06:53,051 Thank you for being a perfect partner 952 01:06:53,135 --> 01:06:55,095 in an imperfect world. 953 01:06:56,888 --> 01:06:59,599 Thank you for introducing me to your amazing son. 954 01:07:01,768 --> 01:07:03,687 Uh, I'm here for you, 955 01:07:03,770 --> 01:07:05,022 and I'm here to stay. 956 01:07:05,105 --> 01:07:07,107 Karen, thank you... 957 01:07:07,190 --> 01:07:09,151 for loving me. 958 01:07:10,527 --> 01:07:12,195 And thank you for loving him. 959 01:07:13,947 --> 01:07:15,615 ♪ Keep me searching ♪ 960 01:07:15,699 --> 01:07:18,410 ♪ For a heart of gold ♪ 961 01:07:18,493 --> 01:07:20,412 ♪ You keep me searching ♪ 962 01:07:20,495 --> 01:07:22,205 ♪ And I'm growing old ♪ 963 01:07:22,289 --> 01:07:24,708 Looks him square in the eye, and he says, "Superman..." 964 01:07:24,791 --> 01:07:28,170 ♪ Keep me searching for a heart of gold ♪ 965 01:07:28,253 --> 01:07:29,713 Perfect. 966 01:07:29,796 --> 01:07:31,548 ♪ I've been a miner ♪ 967 01:07:31,631 --> 01:07:35,177 ♪ For a heart of gold ♪ 968 01:07:36,553 --> 01:07:38,221 ♪ Ah ♪ 969 01:07:38,305 --> 01:07:39,681 ♪ Mm. ♪ 970 01:07:49,691 --> 01:07:51,610 - Hey, good to see you. - Good to see you. 971 01:07:51,693 --> 01:07:54,071 Hey, Daisy. Hey, Daisy! 972 01:07:57,449 --> 01:07:59,159 Hey, Jazzy Jeff. 973 01:07:59,242 --> 01:08:01,203 What's going on? 974 01:08:01,286 --> 01:08:02,788 Hey, I miss you more 975 01:08:02,871 --> 01:08:05,749 than the sun misses the moon at night. 976 01:08:05,832 --> 01:08:07,751 Mm. 977 01:08:09,419 --> 01:08:11,129 - Hey, Karen. - Hey. 978 01:08:16,510 --> 01:08:18,595 Thank you for inviting me. 979 01:08:18,678 --> 01:08:20,222 Seriously. 980 01:08:34,319 --> 01:08:35,737 ♪ Can't steal the way ♪ 981 01:08:35,821 --> 01:08:38,073 ♪ I fuckin' felt when I got up today ♪ 982 01:08:38,156 --> 01:08:39,866 ♪ Well, I guess you're the judge ♪ 983 01:08:39,950 --> 01:08:41,493 ♪ I guess you're the king ♪ 984 01:08:41,576 --> 01:08:44,371 ♪ Of the forever beauty pageant I'm always... ♪ 985 01:08:50,335 --> 01:08:52,462 Go, Daisy! Go, Daisy! Go, Daisy! Go, Daisy! 986 01:08:52,546 --> 01:08:53,964 Go, Daisy! 987 01:08:54,047 --> 01:08:55,549 Hey, honey. 988 01:08:59,302 --> 01:09:01,138 Go, Daisy, go! 989 01:09:10,856 --> 01:09:13,150 Nice. 990 01:09:15,902 --> 01:09:18,530 Oh! Ah, you! 991 01:09:18,613 --> 01:09:20,365 It's Daisy! 992 01:09:23,118 --> 01:09:24,661 Whoa! 993 01:09:32,919 --> 01:09:34,838 "If the marker is depleted 994 01:09:34,921 --> 01:09:36,798 "in meth addicts' brains, 995 01:09:36,882 --> 01:09:39,509 "it's likely there is a loss of nerve terminals 996 01:09:39,593 --> 01:09:42,053 "and the brain damage is irreversible. 997 01:09:42,137 --> 01:09:44,556 "However, when I tested for VMAT2, 998 01:09:44,639 --> 01:09:47,601 - I found normal levels." - So that's optimistic. 999 01:09:47,684 --> 01:09:49,561 Normal levels is optimistic, yeah. 1000 01:09:49,644 --> 01:09:51,271 It's... 1001 01:09:51,354 --> 01:09:52,397 - It is. - Okay. 1002 01:09:52,480 --> 01:09:53,958 - No. I'm not... - I was just checking. 1003 01:09:53,982 --> 01:09:54,649 - No, no, that's good. - Okay. 1004 01:09:54,733 --> 01:09:55,901 Basically... 1005 01:09:55,984 --> 01:09:57,277 the fried... 1006 01:09:57,360 --> 01:09:59,362 Nic's fried nerve endings 1007 01:09:59,446 --> 01:10:01,823 can grow back. 1008 01:10:01,907 --> 01:10:04,034 They say it can take two years, but... 1009 01:10:04,117 --> 01:10:06,244 - Two years? - Yeah. 1010 01:10:06,328 --> 01:10:08,788 But that's great, David. 1011 01:10:18,381 --> 01:10:21,009 - Hey. - Hey. 1012 01:10:21,092 --> 01:10:24,137 - You're kind of late. - Yeah. It was a great meeting, 1013 01:10:24,221 --> 01:10:26,348 and after, we went to the speaker's house 1014 01:10:26,431 --> 01:10:28,308 and watched a video and... 1015 01:10:28,391 --> 01:10:32,312 saw my sober sponsee bros earlier, so... 1016 01:10:32,395 --> 01:10:34,356 No phone? 1017 01:10:34,439 --> 01:10:36,358 Oh, my cell was dead. 1018 01:10:39,277 --> 01:10:42,447 Would you be okay to do a drug test? 1019 01:10:43,573 --> 01:10:45,742 Yeah, I mean, sure. 1020 01:10:45,825 --> 01:10:47,285 Okay. 1021 01:11:04,719 --> 01:11:07,264 You understand why, right? 1022 01:11:07,347 --> 01:11:11,643 Yeah. I mean, I should've called to let you know, so... 1023 01:11:11,726 --> 01:11:15,522 I trust you... we just need to have some sort of proof. 1024 01:11:19,359 --> 01:11:21,903 That's about as contradictory as it gets. 1025 01:11:21,987 --> 01:11:24,197 - But... - I know. I know. 1026 01:11:26,366 --> 01:11:28,535 I'll do it. No worries. 1027 01:11:28,618 --> 01:11:30,870 Nothing to hide. 1028 01:11:31,997 --> 01:11:33,373 Okay. 1029 01:11:35,709 --> 01:11:38,211 Hey, you're doing great. 1030 01:11:39,754 --> 01:11:41,548 You really are. 1031 01:11:41,631 --> 01:11:44,551 By my count, 485 days clean. 1032 01:11:44,634 --> 01:11:46,678 Wow. Come on, that's... 1033 01:11:50,682 --> 01:11:53,393 I'll just leave it in the bathroom, right? Okay. 1034 01:11:54,519 --> 01:11:56,021 All right. 1035 01:11:56,104 --> 01:11:58,023 - Good night, Dad. - Good night. 1036 01:11:58,106 --> 01:12:00,108 - I love you. - I love you, too. 1037 01:12:31,556 --> 01:12:33,475 All right, Jasper, you ready? 1038 01:12:33,558 --> 01:12:35,643 Yep. Let's go, let's go, let's go. 1039 01:12:35,727 --> 01:12:37,854 Hey. No, no, no, wait. 1040 01:12:37,937 --> 01:12:40,982 Jasper, I don't want you to go out there. 1041 01:12:41,066 --> 01:12:42,776 What? Mom, we won't go far, I swear! 1042 01:12:42,859 --> 01:12:44,652 The waves are too big. It's too dangerous. 1043 01:12:44,736 --> 01:12:45,816 But I am a great swimmer. 1044 01:12:45,862 --> 01:12:47,173 I've been in waves way bigger than this. 1045 01:12:47,197 --> 01:12:49,783 Yes, I know that, but I don't want you to... 1046 01:12:49,866 --> 01:12:51,344 - Yeah, I'll stay close. - Nic will stay close, 1047 01:12:51,368 --> 01:12:53,244 you see? 1048 01:12:53,328 --> 01:12:54,913 Karen, I'm gonna stay... 1049 01:12:54,996 --> 01:12:56,873 - I'll stay close. - Nic can go in. 1050 01:12:56,956 --> 01:12:58,041 That's fine. You, no. 1051 01:12:58,124 --> 01:13:00,001 And that is final. 1052 01:13:00,085 --> 01:13:01,461 We'll see about that. 1053 01:13:01,544 --> 01:13:04,172 - Hey! - Okay. It's fine. 1054 01:13:04,255 --> 01:13:06,466 It's fine. 1055 01:13:15,392 --> 01:13:17,310 Should we just play a game instead? 1056 01:13:17,394 --> 01:13:19,521 - Uh... - Yeah? 1057 01:13:22,023 --> 01:13:24,234 Are you a hurfboard? 1058 01:13:24,317 --> 01:13:26,653 - No. - No? 1059 01:13:26,736 --> 01:13:28,655 Are you a hicycle? 1060 01:13:28,738 --> 01:13:30,490 - No. - No? 1061 01:13:30,573 --> 01:13:33,201 Okay. Uh, are you edible? 1062 01:13:33,284 --> 01:13:34,577 Not really. 1063 01:13:34,661 --> 01:13:36,663 - Not really? - Not really. 1064 01:13:36,746 --> 01:13:38,206 So, sort of. 1065 01:13:38,289 --> 01:13:40,834 So, um... 1066 01:13:40,917 --> 01:13:42,252 are you a house? 1067 01:13:42,335 --> 01:13:45,839 Yes. How did you know? 1068 01:13:45,922 --> 01:13:47,632 You know, 1069 01:13:47,715 --> 01:13:50,260 I can read your mind. 1070 01:13:50,343 --> 01:13:52,929 - Ooh... - Ooh... 1071 01:13:54,347 --> 01:13:55,765 I know you're a great swimmer. 1072 01:13:55,849 --> 01:13:57,576 I'm gonna be there to cheer for you at your next swim meet. 1073 01:13:57,600 --> 01:13:58,435 How does that sound? 1074 01:13:58,518 --> 01:14:00,061 Yeah? 1075 01:14:00,145 --> 01:14:02,814 Okay. 1076 01:14:02,897 --> 01:14:05,150 Hey, is it weird to see me after all this time? 1077 01:14:05,233 --> 01:14:06,234 Or no? 1078 01:14:06,317 --> 01:14:08,653 - I guess it was, at first. - Okay 1079 01:14:08,736 --> 01:14:10,947 I thought you might be different. 1080 01:14:11,030 --> 01:14:13,575 But you're just the same old Nic. 1081 01:14:22,041 --> 01:14:25,962 ♪ This'll be ♪ 1082 01:14:26,045 --> 01:14:29,966 ♪ My last home ♪ 1083 01:14:30,049 --> 01:14:32,385 ♪ But this stream ♪ All right. Thanks. 1084 01:14:32,469 --> 01:14:36,389 ♪ Will carry me through ♪ 1085 01:14:36,473 --> 01:14:39,601 - That was a great weekend. - Mm-hmm. 1086 01:14:39,684 --> 01:14:42,312 - ♪ But this stream ♪ - Bye, Nic! 1087 01:14:42,395 --> 01:14:47,066 ♪ Isn't home no more ♪ 1088 01:14:47,150 --> 01:14:49,277 ♪ And truth can ♪ 1089 01:14:49,360 --> 01:14:53,907 ♪ Make immune ♪ 1090 01:14:53,990 --> 01:14:56,784 ♪ If it doesn't make you wiser ♪ 1091 01:14:56,868 --> 01:14:58,536 ♪ Doesn't make you stronger ♪ 1092 01:14:58,620 --> 01:15:02,874 ♪ Doesn't make you live a little bit ♪ 1093 01:15:02,957 --> 01:15:07,837 ♪ What are you doing? ♪ 1094 01:15:10,590 --> 01:15:13,176 ♪ If it doesn't make you wiser ♪ 1095 01:15:13,259 --> 01:15:15,678 ♪ Doesn't make you stronger ♪ 1096 01:15:15,762 --> 01:15:19,432 ♪ Doesn't make you live a little bit ♪ 1097 01:15:19,516 --> 01:15:26,481 ♪ What are you doing? ♪ 1098 01:15:32,779 --> 01:15:35,573 Go, Nic! 1099 01:15:43,873 --> 01:15:47,418 ♪ In these parting days ♪ 1100 01:15:47,502 --> 01:15:52,298 ♪ I am losing all my senses ♪ 1101 01:15:52,382 --> 01:15:55,260 ♪ In these timeless days ♪ 1102 01:15:55,343 --> 01:16:01,474 ♪ I can barely see through. ♪ 1103 01:16:02,976 --> 01:16:05,520 Bye, Nic! Bye, Nic! 1104 01:16:05,603 --> 01:16:07,730 Bye, Nic! 1105 01:16:30,295 --> 01:16:32,839 One day at a time, Man. 1106 01:16:32,922 --> 01:16:34,191 Congratulations. Welcome to the real world. 1107 01:16:34,215 --> 01:16:36,050 Oh, I don't want to live in the real world. 1108 01:16:36,134 --> 01:16:37,677 I'm so sick of living in it. 1109 01:16:37,760 --> 01:16:39,238 That's your disease talking to you, Man. 1110 01:16:39,262 --> 01:16:40,823 - Oh, I'm trying. - By trying to isolate you. 1111 01:16:40,847 --> 01:16:42,367 Trying to kill you. You know this, Man. 1112 01:16:42,432 --> 01:16:44,183 I don't feel like I have a disease, Spencer. 1113 01:16:44,267 --> 01:16:46,060 I feel like... 1114 01:16:46,144 --> 01:16:49,105 - Well, you got to. - This isn't like fucking cancer. 1115 01:16:49,188 --> 01:16:52,442 This is my fucking choice. I put myself here. 1116 01:16:52,525 --> 01:16:54,165 Yeah, you did. You did put yourself there. 1117 01:16:54,193 --> 01:16:55,862 Are you gonna let me talk or what? 1118 01:16:55,945 --> 01:16:58,865 Okay? Like, you're a writer, right? So write. 1119 01:16:58,948 --> 01:17:01,200 You're good at it. This is your day. This is a choice. 1120 01:17:01,284 --> 01:17:02,952 - What do you want to do now? - Fucking... 1121 01:17:03,036 --> 01:17:04,763 Once you get high, you lose all your choices. 1122 01:17:04,787 --> 01:17:06,515 - If you get high, you lose everything. - Right. 1123 01:17:06,539 --> 01:17:09,292 All right, so you got to keep choosing the right way. 1124 01:17:11,961 --> 01:17:13,880 - Right. - That's right. 1125 01:17:13,963 --> 01:17:15,715 You choose the right way. 1126 01:17:15,798 --> 01:17:17,216 Right. All right, hey, listen, 1127 01:17:17,300 --> 01:17:18,819 I'm gonna give you a call later, all right? 1128 01:17:18,843 --> 01:17:20,279 Uh, I-I feel like I'm gonna do all right. 1129 01:17:20,303 --> 01:17:21,596 You blowing me off now? 1130 01:17:21,679 --> 01:17:23,222 You gonna call me and waste my time? 1131 01:17:23,306 --> 01:17:25,016 Don't waste my time. I'm here for you, Man. 1132 01:17:25,099 --> 01:17:26,660 You know what, look, I'm having some steaks tonight. 1133 01:17:26,684 --> 01:17:27,828 Why don't you come over for dinner. 1134 01:17:27,852 --> 01:17:29,038 - All right, I'll see you then. - You... 1135 01:17:29,062 --> 01:17:30,456 That sounds great. I'll see you then. 1136 01:17:30,480 --> 01:17:31,915 - Yo, Nic, Nic. - Yes, sir. I'll see you then. 1137 01:17:31,939 --> 01:17:33,983 - Nic... - All right, bye-bye. 1138 01:18:31,624 --> 01:18:33,626 Nic Sheff. 1139 01:18:33,710 --> 01:18:35,628 Lauren. What? 1140 01:18:35,712 --> 01:18:37,880 What are you... 1141 01:18:39,799 --> 01:18:41,467 Wow, it's been a long time. 1142 01:18:41,551 --> 01:18:42,927 What-what are you doing here? 1143 01:18:43,010 --> 01:18:45,555 Just, uh... 1144 01:18:47,473 --> 01:18:49,684 What? 1145 01:18:52,895 --> 01:18:54,480 I've been sober for a while, 1146 01:18:54,564 --> 01:18:57,483 but I'm seriously looking to party right now. 1147 01:19:20,882 --> 01:19:23,509 I got what you need. We have E, we have pills, Man. 1148 01:19:23,593 --> 01:19:25,636 We have E. I told you, I told you. 1149 01:19:33,644 --> 01:19:36,355 Can you get me a cup of water and a spoon? 1150 01:19:36,439 --> 01:19:37,774 Mm-hmm. 1151 01:19:37,857 --> 01:19:40,151 All right. 1152 01:19:56,584 --> 01:19:58,920 - Mm-hmm. - All right. 1153 01:19:59,003 --> 01:20:01,547 - Here you go. - Thank you. 1154 01:20:02,632 --> 01:20:04,759 Cotton and a spoon. 1155 01:20:27,573 --> 01:20:30,326 Mmm. 1156 01:20:41,087 --> 01:20:43,256 All right, that's it. 1157 01:20:43,339 --> 01:20:45,258 That's it. 1158 01:20:55,017 --> 01:20:56,936 Wow. 1159 01:23:16,325 --> 01:23:18,369 Your call has been forwarded 1160 01:23:18,452 --> 01:23:20,371 to an automated voice messaging system. 1161 01:23:20,454 --> 01:23:22,248 At the tone, please record your message. 1162 01:23:23,666 --> 01:23:25,001 It's Dad again. 1163 01:23:25,084 --> 01:23:27,253 I feel like you might have been a little down 1164 01:23:27,336 --> 01:23:30,172 when you left, Nic, so I'm here to talk if you need to. 1165 01:23:30,256 --> 01:23:32,842 All right. 1166 01:23:44,937 --> 01:23:47,356 So you have no idea where he is? 1167 01:23:47,440 --> 01:23:49,900 Uh, Spencer told me he heard from him. 1168 01:23:49,984 --> 01:23:52,862 He was having a difficult time, but he was pulling through. 1169 01:23:52,945 --> 01:23:56,657 But, yeah, he's not at work, he's not at home. 1170 01:23:56,741 --> 01:23:59,035 - He's unreachable on his cell. - Damn it. Damn it. Vicki, 1171 01:23:59,118 --> 01:24:02,038 he left here two days ago. Why didn't you check on him? 1172 01:24:02,121 --> 01:24:04,415 You're supposed to be taking care of this kid, right? 1173 01:24:04,498 --> 01:24:06,042 What the fuck, David? 1174 01:24:06,125 --> 01:24:08,335 Who's been taking care of him the last year? 1175 01:24:08,419 --> 01:24:09,962 Well, you could've checked on him. 1176 01:24:10,046 --> 01:24:11,714 I mean, what the fuck is your problem? 1177 01:24:11,797 --> 01:24:14,216 What do you think I do all day? 1178 01:24:14,300 --> 01:24:17,678 Besides, we can't run surveillance on him 24/7. 1179 01:24:17,762 --> 01:24:20,639 I think you need to go to the police right now 1180 01:24:20,723 --> 01:24:22,683 and file a missing persons report, okay? 1181 01:24:22,767 --> 01:24:24,643 - Stop yelling at me! - No, I'm not gonna stop 1182 01:24:24,727 --> 01:24:26,896 - yelling at you, Vicki. - I hate it when you do that. 1183 01:24:26,979 --> 01:24:28,415 - Because you're just... - You're totally crazy. 1184 01:24:28,439 --> 01:24:29,732 What are you even doing there?! 1185 01:24:29,815 --> 01:24:31,695 - Fucking unfair, David! - No, no! Listen to me! 1186 01:24:31,734 --> 01:24:33,652 What are... 1187 01:24:34,737 --> 01:24:36,989 Damn. 1188 01:24:37,073 --> 01:24:39,492 Fuck! 1189 01:24:46,123 --> 01:24:47,792 Dave? 1190 01:24:47,875 --> 01:24:50,544 Could you call my phone, please? 1191 01:24:53,589 --> 01:24:55,424 What's going on? 1192 01:24:55,508 --> 01:24:57,301 He's gone. 1193 01:24:58,761 --> 01:25:01,764 How do we even know he's in L.A.? 1194 01:25:01,847 --> 01:25:04,391 I mean, he could be in San Francisco. He could be... 1195 01:25:04,475 --> 01:25:06,852 he could be in fucking Mexico, for all we know. 1196 01:25:06,936 --> 01:25:08,395 I need to go. 1197 01:25:08,479 --> 01:25:11,107 Yeah, but I need you to stay. 1198 01:25:11,190 --> 01:25:12,983 Well, Vicki can't handle it like I... 1199 01:25:13,067 --> 01:25:15,319 I don't care about Vicki. This isn't about Vicki. 1200 01:25:15,402 --> 01:25:18,989 Okay, why don't you just relax and try to be reasonable. 1201 01:25:19,073 --> 01:25:21,242 - What? You be reasonable. - I am being reasonable. 1202 01:25:21,325 --> 01:25:22,325 Is this reasonable?! 1203 01:25:22,368 --> 01:25:24,870 No! It's not! 1204 01:25:24,954 --> 01:25:26,288 How can I be?! 1205 01:25:26,372 --> 01:25:27,915 My son is out there somewhere, 1206 01:25:27,998 --> 01:25:29,583 and I don't know what he's doing! 1207 01:25:29,667 --> 01:25:31,127 I don't know how to help him! 1208 01:25:31,210 --> 01:25:33,629 You can't! 1209 01:25:44,223 --> 01:25:45,891 I can't sleep. 1210 01:25:50,020 --> 01:25:50,896 You can't sleep? 1211 01:25:50,980 --> 01:25:52,439 I can't sleep. 1212 01:25:52,523 --> 01:25:53,691 Okay. 1213 01:25:57,903 --> 01:25:59,822 Good night, Daddy. 1214 01:26:00,906 --> 01:26:02,408 Good night. 1215 01:26:02,491 --> 01:26:04,285 ♪ Sunrise ♪ 1216 01:26:04,368 --> 01:26:06,871 ♪ Sunset ♪ 1217 01:26:27,349 --> 01:26:30,019 ♪ Is this the little girl ♪ 1218 01:26:30,102 --> 01:26:32,855 ♪ I carried? ♪ 1219 01:26:34,815 --> 01:26:37,776 ♪ Is this the little boy ♪ 1220 01:26:37,860 --> 01:26:39,778 ♪ At play? ♪ 1221 01:26:39,862 --> 01:26:41,530 Let go! 1222 01:26:41,614 --> 01:26:43,199 Airplane flying! 1223 01:26:43,282 --> 01:26:44,783 ♪ I don't remember ♪ 1224 01:26:44,867 --> 01:26:48,245 ♪ Growing older ♪ Airplane! 1225 01:26:48,329 --> 01:26:50,247 Fly away! Fly! 1226 01:26:52,082 --> 01:26:55,711 ♪ When did they? ♪ Airplane! Push! 1227 01:26:58,923 --> 01:27:01,926 ♪ When did she get to be ♪ 1228 01:27:02,009 --> 01:27:04,303 ♪ A beauty? ♪ 1229 01:27:06,722 --> 01:27:09,308 ♪ When did he grow to be ♪ 1230 01:27:09,391 --> 01:27:12,102 ♪ So tall? ♪ 1231 01:27:12,186 --> 01:27:14,772 ♪ Ooh... ♪ 1232 01:27:14,855 --> 01:27:17,066 ♪ Wasn't it yesterday ♪ 1233 01:27:17,149 --> 01:27:19,735 ♪ That they ♪ 1234 01:27:19,818 --> 01:27:24,615 ♪ Were small? ♪ 1235 01:27:29,495 --> 01:27:31,789 ♪ Sunrise ♪ 1236 01:27:31,872 --> 01:27:34,166 ♪ Sunset ♪ 1237 01:27:34,250 --> 01:27:36,210 ♪ Sunrise ♪ 1238 01:27:36,293 --> 01:27:37,836 ♪ Sunset ♪ 1239 01:27:37,920 --> 01:27:40,506 ♪ Swiftly ♪ 1240 01:27:40,589 --> 01:27:46,262 ♪ Fly the years ♪ 1241 01:27:46,345 --> 01:27:48,264 ♪ One season ♪ 1242 01:27:48,347 --> 01:27:54,853 ♪ Following another ♪ 1243 01:27:54,937 --> 01:27:58,274 ♪ Laden with happiness... ♪ 1244 01:27:58,357 --> 01:27:59,709 No. Uh-uh. Come on, not you. Come on. 1245 01:27:59,733 --> 01:28:00,985 Hold on. 1246 01:28:01,068 --> 01:28:02,337 - Get back in. Guys, come on. - Hold on. Hold on, honey. 1247 01:28:02,361 --> 01:28:03,404 - Wait. - Good dog. 1248 01:28:03,487 --> 01:28:05,239 - ♪ One season... ♪ - What's up? 1249 01:28:05,322 --> 01:28:08,534 I thought Nic was gonna be here today. 1250 01:28:08,617 --> 01:28:10,828 Uh, no. Something came up. 1251 01:28:11,912 --> 01:28:13,998 Can I call him? 1252 01:28:14,081 --> 01:28:16,000 No, no. You can't. 1253 01:28:16,083 --> 01:28:17,584 It's not gonna be possible. 1254 01:28:17,668 --> 01:28:18,669 Why not? 1255 01:28:18,752 --> 01:28:20,671 Because it's not. 1256 01:28:20,754 --> 01:28:23,507 Is Nic back on drugs again? 1257 01:28:23,590 --> 01:28:25,634 ♪ Sunrise ♪ 1258 01:28:25,718 --> 01:28:27,594 ♪ Sunset ♪ 1259 01:28:27,678 --> 01:28:30,347 - ♪ Sunrise ♪ - We don't know, honey. 1260 01:28:30,431 --> 01:28:32,891 ♪ Sunset. ♪ 1261 01:30:06,568 --> 01:30:08,404 All right. 1262 01:31:48,629 --> 01:31:50,923 Come on, Jasper! Whup. 1263 01:32:03,685 --> 01:32:05,604 Yup. 1264 01:32:29,169 --> 01:32:30,212 You got it? 1265 01:32:30,295 --> 01:32:32,297 Oh, fuck. Okay. Hey, Lauren. 1266 01:32:33,590 --> 01:32:35,300 - Lauren, let's go. - What? 1267 01:32:35,384 --> 01:32:36,927 We got to go. 1268 01:32:38,637 --> 01:32:40,472 - What's going on? - Here. 1269 01:32:40,556 --> 01:32:43,183 We got to go. 1270 01:32:43,267 --> 01:32:45,185 Fine. 1271 01:32:59,533 --> 01:33:02,077 I think I just saw Nic. 1272 01:33:02,160 --> 01:33:03,870 What? 1273 01:33:03,954 --> 01:33:07,040 I think I just saw Nic and a girl running away. 1274 01:33:13,839 --> 01:33:15,299 Nic. 1275 01:33:15,382 --> 01:33:16,842 Uh, no. Stay inside. 1276 01:33:16,925 --> 01:33:18,677 - Okay. - No. 1277 01:33:18,760 --> 01:33:22,556 All right, no. Stay inside! I am not kidding, all right? 1278 01:33:22,639 --> 01:33:24,308 Stay there. 1279 01:33:27,519 --> 01:33:29,438 Okay. 1280 01:33:29,521 --> 01:33:32,065 Shit. Never again. 1281 01:33:32,149 --> 01:33:34,359 - It's okay. Hey. - What do we do? What do we do? 1282 01:33:34,443 --> 01:33:35,819 It's all right. 1283 01:33:40,824 --> 01:33:42,951 That was so terrible. 1284 01:33:43,035 --> 01:33:46,163 Oh, fuck! 1285 01:33:50,626 --> 01:33:52,961 Nic? Nic? Nic! 1286 01:33:54,755 --> 01:33:56,048 Oh... 1287 01:33:56,757 --> 01:33:59,593 ♪ All the ladies of court ♪ 1288 01:33:59,676 --> 01:34:01,428 ♪ Gather round ♪ 1289 01:34:02,846 --> 01:34:05,182 ♪ Joining in heavenly fare ♪ 1290 01:34:07,392 --> 01:34:09,311 Oh. No. No. No. 1291 01:34:09,394 --> 01:34:11,855 ♪ Gathering promises ♪ 1292 01:34:11,938 --> 01:34:13,940 ♪ Of future heroes ♪ 1293 01:34:14,024 --> 01:34:16,401 ♪ Showing faith ♪ 1294 01:34:16,485 --> 01:34:19,071 ♪ It is all as you go ♪ 1295 01:34:21,865 --> 01:34:27,079 ♪ Red light and green light and men in their armor ♪ 1296 01:34:27,162 --> 01:34:32,209 ♪ And fight for the queen if you dare ♪ 1297 01:34:33,835 --> 01:34:37,255 ♪ It's a long way to go ♪ 1298 01:34:37,339 --> 01:34:40,467 ♪ To test out your mettle ♪ 1299 01:34:40,550 --> 01:34:43,595 ♪ Well, a long way to go ♪ 1300 01:34:43,679 --> 01:34:47,683 ♪ To go down ♪ 1301 01:34:51,978 --> 01:34:54,231 ♪ And I'll write them a letter ♪ 1302 01:34:56,316 --> 01:34:59,778 ♪ I said forgive all we've done ♪ 1303 01:35:01,488 --> 01:35:06,618 ♪ Please first grant this favor, sir ♪ 1304 01:35:06,702 --> 01:35:09,162 ♪ Forgive us quick or we'll run ♪ 1305 01:35:13,250 --> 01:35:15,168 ♪ Or we'll run ♪ 1306 01:35:18,296 --> 01:35:19,965 ♪ Or we'll run ♪ 1307 01:35:22,926 --> 01:35:25,345 ♪ Or we'll run ♪ 1308 01:35:25,429 --> 01:35:28,140 Come on! 1309 01:35:28,223 --> 01:35:30,767 ♪ Or... ♪ 1310 01:35:30,851 --> 01:35:36,064 ♪ We'll run... ♪ 1311 01:35:55,625 --> 01:35:58,795 I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. 1312 01:36:22,903 --> 01:36:24,613 Okay. Okay. 1313 01:36:26,865 --> 01:36:29,409 911. What is your emergency? 1314 01:36:29,493 --> 01:36:31,453 Yeah. Hi. Uh, I got a f... I'm-I'm with a friend. 1315 01:36:31,536 --> 01:36:32,788 She just O.D.'d, and, uh, 1316 01:36:32,871 --> 01:36:34,414 I need an ambulance, I need some help. 1317 01:36:34,498 --> 01:36:35,832 Sir, do you know CPR? 1318 01:36:35,916 --> 01:36:37,435 Yeah, I'm doing it right now. I just... 1319 01:36:37,459 --> 01:36:39,539 Uh, we... You-you guys, you got to send an ambulance, 1320 01:36:39,586 --> 01:36:41,755 - too, all right? - What is your location? 1321 01:36:41,838 --> 01:36:43,799 Yeah, I don't know. 1322 01:36:43,882 --> 01:36:45,485 Y-You-you guys are gonna have to trace the call. 1323 01:36:45,509 --> 01:36:47,219 Hello? 1324 01:36:47,302 --> 01:36:50,639 Hello? Sir, are you still there? 1325 01:36:50,722 --> 01:36:52,974 Sir? 1326 01:36:55,894 --> 01:36:57,437 Sir? Sir? 1327 01:37:06,363 --> 01:37:09,282 Look up. 1328 01:37:09,366 --> 01:37:10,992 Honey, look up for me. 1329 01:37:12,619 --> 01:37:15,914 Can you look up this way over here? 1330 01:37:15,997 --> 01:37:17,999 Hey, look, we're gonna need to take you to the ER. 1331 01:37:18,083 --> 01:37:19,501 I-I don't... I don't want to. I-I... 1332 01:37:19,584 --> 01:37:21,145 - We need to take you to the ER. - I'm fine. 1333 01:37:21,169 --> 01:37:22,647 She doesn't want to go to the ER. She's... 1334 01:37:22,671 --> 01:37:24,148 She's... No, she's not okay. We need to take her 1335 01:37:24,172 --> 01:37:25,566 - to the ER. - But she doesn't want to go. 1336 01:37:25,590 --> 01:37:27,217 No, sir, she needs to go! 1337 01:37:27,300 --> 01:37:28,927 Okay? 1338 01:37:29,010 --> 01:37:31,471 You have a problem with that, I can inform the police. 1339 01:37:31,555 --> 01:37:33,181 Goddamn it. 1340 01:37:33,265 --> 01:37:36,685 You're gonna come and meet me, right? 1341 01:37:36,768 --> 01:37:38,144 - Yes. Yes! - You promise? 1342 01:37:38,228 --> 01:37:40,605 I love you. 1343 01:37:40,689 --> 01:37:43,066 I love you, too. 1344 01:37:43,149 --> 01:37:44,693 You promise you're gonna meet me? 1345 01:37:44,776 --> 01:37:46,170 Yes, Lauren. I'll come fucking meet you. 1346 01:37:46,194 --> 01:37:47,070 What do you want from me? 1347 01:37:47,153 --> 01:37:50,115 - Okay, okay. - Jesus fucking Christ. 1348 01:38:16,516 --> 01:38:18,852 David Sheff. 1349 01:38:18,935 --> 01:38:20,645 Hey, Dad. It's me. 1350 01:38:23,356 --> 01:38:25,817 - Nic? - Yeah. 1351 01:38:34,284 --> 01:38:36,244 Please don't hate me, Dad. 1352 01:38:37,871 --> 01:38:39,789 I know I did wrong. 1353 01:38:41,583 --> 01:38:43,585 I want to stop, but please, please, please, 1354 01:38:43,668 --> 01:38:45,462 please, please, please no rehab, all right? 1355 01:38:45,545 --> 01:38:48,298 Just let me come home. You know what? 1356 01:38:48,381 --> 01:38:52,135 I realize it's actually I... I-I need to be home. 1357 01:38:52,218 --> 01:38:56,932 You guys, you guys are gonna give me the strength to stop. 1358 01:38:57,015 --> 01:38:58,975 All right? 1359 01:39:01,895 --> 01:39:03,813 That's not going to happen. 1360 01:39:13,156 --> 01:39:16,201 I wish that I could help you, 1361 01:39:16,284 --> 01:39:18,203 but I can't do that. 1362 01:39:18,286 --> 01:39:19,996 I c... I can't. 1363 01:39:20,080 --> 01:39:22,082 Oh, please help me, Dad. 1364 01:39:23,625 --> 01:39:25,794 No, Dad. I just need a little bit 1365 01:39:25,877 --> 01:39:27,837 of help. 1366 01:39:27,921 --> 01:39:29,965 Please help me. I want to come home. 1367 01:39:30,048 --> 01:39:32,717 All I can tell you is what you already know. 1368 01:39:32,801 --> 01:39:35,470 Dad, why aren't you fucking listening to me? 1369 01:39:35,553 --> 01:39:37,180 Call your sponsor. 1370 01:39:37,263 --> 01:39:38,783 I don't want to talk to my sponsor now. 1371 01:39:38,807 --> 01:39:40,809 - I want to talk toy you. - Get help. 1372 01:39:40,892 --> 01:39:43,144 - I love you. - Dad, what... 1373 01:39:43,228 --> 01:39:45,563 And I hope that you get your life together. 1374 01:39:45,647 --> 01:39:47,148 I love you, too. 1375 01:39:47,232 --> 01:39:49,693 I love you. 1376 01:42:17,632 --> 01:42:19,008 Hello. 1377 01:42:19,092 --> 01:42:21,553 Nicolas called. 1378 01:42:21,636 --> 01:42:23,138 He sounds desperate. 1379 01:42:23,221 --> 01:42:25,056 Gonna die if we don't do anything. 1380 01:42:25,140 --> 01:42:27,100 Well... 1381 01:42:27,183 --> 01:42:30,061 he's gonna die even if we do. 1382 01:42:30,145 --> 01:42:32,772 Nothing we do has any effect on him. 1383 01:42:39,737 --> 01:42:41,447 I failed. 1384 01:42:41,531 --> 01:42:42,866 I know you feel ashamed, okay? 1385 01:42:42,949 --> 01:42:45,451 So do I. 1386 01:42:45,535 --> 01:42:47,787 But you have done great, David. 1387 01:42:47,871 --> 01:42:50,748 And Karen, too, so thank you for that. 1388 01:42:50,832 --> 01:42:52,667 You were up for it when I wasn't, 1389 01:42:52,750 --> 01:42:54,544 and I'm not giving up now. 1390 01:42:55,670 --> 01:42:57,422 Never. 1391 01:42:59,132 --> 01:43:01,843 But I can't do it alone. 1392 01:43:04,929 --> 01:43:07,640 I need your help. 1393 01:43:09,893 --> 01:43:12,854 I don't think you can save people, Vicki. 1394 01:43:14,814 --> 01:43:18,109 You can be there for them, can't you? 1395 01:43:22,030 --> 01:43:24,115 Look at this. 1396 01:43:29,287 --> 01:43:31,206 I'm done. 1397 01:43:31,289 --> 01:43:33,458 - Oh. - Okay? I... 1398 01:43:33,541 --> 01:43:36,461 Okay. 1399 01:44:10,119 --> 01:44:12,080 Hey, everybody. 1400 01:44:12,163 --> 01:44:14,832 Time to get together. 1401 01:44:25,343 --> 01:44:31,391 I... I had a rough week. 1402 01:44:33,893 --> 01:44:35,603 Some of you know, some of you don't. 1403 01:44:35,687 --> 01:44:37,272 I, um... 1404 01:44:37,355 --> 01:44:39,399 I lost my Frances this week. 1405 01:44:39,482 --> 01:44:42,568 She died of an overdose on Sunday. 1406 01:44:42,652 --> 01:44:44,696 So... 1407 01:44:44,779 --> 01:44:48,700 I guess I'm in mourning, but I-I... 1408 01:44:48,783 --> 01:44:51,119 I realized something else. 1409 01:44:51,202 --> 01:44:55,164 I've actually been in mourning for years. 1410 01:44:57,333 --> 01:44:59,544 'Cause even when she was alive, she... 1411 01:44:59,627 --> 01:45:02,088 she wasn't there. 1412 01:45:02,171 --> 01:45:06,384 When you mourn the living, 1413 01:45:06,467 --> 01:45:09,262 that's a hard way to live. 1414 01:45:11,306 --> 01:45:13,766 And so, in... 1415 01:45:13,850 --> 01:45:16,019 in a way, it's-it's... 1416 01:45:16,102 --> 01:45:18,104 it's better, I guess. 1417 01:45:22,358 --> 01:45:27,864 She was a dear, dear young woman. 1418 01:45:29,907 --> 01:45:31,993 I always felt... 1419 01:45:32,076 --> 01:45:34,662 I needed to... to stay strong, 1420 01:45:34,746 --> 01:45:38,082 that there'd be some future event, 1421 01:45:38,166 --> 01:45:40,710 and I'd... I'd need all my strength for it. 1422 01:45:44,380 --> 01:45:46,841 But there are no events after this one. 1423 01:45:46,924 --> 01:45:50,386 I hope she's not in pain now. 1424 01:45:57,101 --> 01:45:59,020 Bye, Frances. 1425 01:47:56,137 --> 01:47:58,306 Hey. 1426 01:47:58,389 --> 01:48:00,558 Hi. 1427 01:48:09,901 --> 01:48:11,360 How's he doing? 1428 01:48:11,444 --> 01:48:13,613 The doctor's with him now. 1429 01:48:15,281 --> 01:48:17,033 He said it's close to a miracle 1430 01:48:17,116 --> 01:48:19,994 Nic survived with all the drugs in his body. 1431 01:51:10,247 --> 01:51:12,166 ♪ Ah ♪ 1432 01:51:28,057 --> 01:51:31,227 ♪ I was somewhere 2000 in a daydream ♪ 1433 01:51:33,020 --> 01:51:37,191 ♪ I was hiding, I couldn't face it ♪ 1434 01:51:37,274 --> 01:51:40,569 ♪ I used to live my life in the wind... ♪ 1435 01:51:40,653 --> 01:51:44,949 ♪ I felt out of sync, audio phasing ♪ 1436 01:51:45,032 --> 01:51:48,911 ♪ Felt like I couldn't find my place in ♪ 1437 01:51:54,083 --> 01:51:57,253 ♪ Sky shivers, they, they turn to rain ♪ 1438 01:51:57,336 --> 01:51:59,213 ♪ I turn again ♪ 1439 01:51:59,296 --> 01:52:02,299 ♪ I wish we could heal ♪ 1440 01:52:06,887 --> 01:52:10,850 ♪ I'll take you home, I'll make you whole ♪ 1441 01:52:10,933 --> 01:52:15,730 ♪ You make me wish that this wasn't real ♪ 1442 01:52:20,359 --> 01:52:22,820 ♪ Because you're ♪ 1443 01:52:22,903 --> 01:52:24,822 ♪ Oh ♪ 1444 01:52:24,905 --> 01:52:29,660 ♪ You're my treasure ♪ 1445 01:52:32,997 --> 01:52:35,708 ♪ Because you're ♪ 1446 01:52:35,791 --> 01:52:37,626 ♪ Oh ♪ 1447 01:52:37,710 --> 01:52:42,465 ♪ You're my treasure ♪ 1448 01:52:45,009 --> 01:52:49,722 ♪ I used to live my life in the wind ♪ 1449 01:52:54,685 --> 01:52:56,270 ♪ And I would fly ♪ 1450 01:52:56,353 --> 01:52:59,356 ♪ Wherever you would swim ♪ 1451 01:53:04,195 --> 01:53:09,033 ♪ I couldn't stand by you or anything ♪ 1452 01:53:11,243 --> 01:53:14,413 ♪ Sky shivers, they, they turn to rain ♪ 1453 01:53:14,497 --> 01:53:16,207 ♪ I turn again ♪ 1454 01:53:16,290 --> 01:53:19,543 ♪ I wish we could heal ♪ 1455 01:53:24,381 --> 01:53:27,468 ♪ I'll take you home, I'll make you whole ♪ 1456 01:53:27,551 --> 01:53:32,223 ♪ You make me wish that this wasn't real ♪ 1457 01:53:36,894 --> 01:53:39,605 ♪ Because you're ♪ 1458 01:53:39,688 --> 01:53:41,357 ♪ Oh ♪ 1459 01:53:41,440 --> 01:53:46,362 ♪ You're my treasure ♪ 1460 01:53:49,698 --> 01:53:52,326 ♪ Because you're ♪ 1461 01:53:52,409 --> 01:53:54,119 ♪ Oh ♪ 1462 01:53:54,203 --> 01:53:58,749 ♪ You're my treasure ♪ 1463 01:54:02,127 --> 01:54:03,504 ♪ Bad habits ♪ 1464 01:54:03,587 --> 01:54:05,214 ♪ And good times ♪ 1465 01:54:05,297 --> 01:54:06,674 ♪ Let's take a risk ♪ 1466 01:54:06,757 --> 01:54:08,300 ♪ On our lives ♪ 1467 01:54:08,384 --> 01:54:10,094 ♪ Don't smile ♪ 1468 01:54:10,177 --> 01:54:11,762 ♪ Just might cry ♪ 1469 01:54:11,846 --> 01:54:13,180 ♪ Go around the roundabout ♪ 1470 01:54:13,264 --> 01:54:14,765 ♪ Like five times ♪ 1471 01:54:14,849 --> 01:54:16,559 ♪ With two scratches ♪ 1472 01:54:16,642 --> 01:54:17,810 ♪ Hard drive ♪ 1473 01:54:17,893 --> 01:54:19,061 ♪ Open up to it ♪ 1474 01:54:19,144 --> 01:54:20,312 ♪ Get me three times ♪ 1475 01:54:20,396 --> 01:54:21,272 ♪ Not lying ♪ 1476 01:54:21,355 --> 01:54:22,273 ♪ Watch the heavens ♪ 1477 01:54:22,356 --> 01:54:23,356 ♪ Goes up ♪ 1478 01:54:23,399 --> 01:54:24,525 ♪ Three times ♪ 1479 01:54:24,608 --> 01:54:25,985 ♪ Watch the heavens ♪ 1480 01:54:26,068 --> 01:54:30,197 ♪ As the sun dies ♪ 1481 01:54:34,118 --> 01:54:37,830 ♪ When breathing even is a challenge ♪ 1482 01:54:37,913 --> 01:54:41,041 ♪ I don't want to lose control ♪ 1483 01:54:41,125 --> 01:54:44,503 ♪ I need it, gotta have it ♪ 1484 01:54:44,587 --> 01:54:47,590 ♪ Don't stop clinging, don't stop clinging ♪ 1485 01:54:47,673 --> 01:54:49,008 ♪ Don't stop clinging ♪ 1486 01:54:49,091 --> 01:54:50,801 ♪ Don't stop clinging ♪ 1487 01:54:50,885 --> 01:54:53,804 ♪ Don't stop clinging, don't stop clinging ♪ 1488 01:54:53,888 --> 01:54:55,514 ♪ Don't stop clinging ♪ 1489 01:54:55,598 --> 01:54:57,391 ♪ Don't stop clinging ♪ 1490 01:54:57,474 --> 01:55:00,185 ♪ Don't stop clinging, don't stop clinging ♪ 1491 01:55:00,269 --> 01:55:01,812 ♪ Don't stop clinging ♪ 1492 01:55:01,896 --> 01:55:03,564 ♪ Don't stop clinging ♪ 1493 01:55:03,647 --> 01:55:06,567 ♪ Don't stop clinging, don't stop clinging ♪ 1494 01:55:06,650 --> 01:55:08,360 ♪ Don't stop clinging ♪ 1495 01:55:08,444 --> 01:55:09,653 ♪ Don't stop clinging ♪ 1496 01:55:09,737 --> 01:55:11,488 ♪ Don't stop clinging ♪ 1497 01:55:11,572 --> 01:55:13,365 ♪ Don't stop clinging ♪ Still alive ♪ 1498 01:55:13,449 --> 01:55:15,159 ♪ Don't stop clinging ♪ 1499 01:55:15,242 --> 01:55:17,953 ♪ Don't stop clinging, don't stop clinging ♪ 1500 01:55:18,037 --> 01:55:19,914 ♪ Don't stop clinging... Still alive... ♪ 1501 01:55:19,997 --> 01:55:21,790 Either peace or happiness, 1502 01:55:21,874 --> 01:55:23,667 let it enfold you. 1503 01:55:23,751 --> 01:55:26,670 When I was a young man, I felt that these things 1504 01:55:26,754 --> 01:55:29,173 were dumb, unsophisticated. 1505 01:55:29,256 --> 01:55:31,425 I had bad blood, a twisted mind, 1506 01:55:31,508 --> 01:55:33,552 a precarious upbringing. 1507 01:55:33,636 --> 01:55:35,220 I was hard as granite. 1508 01:55:35,304 --> 01:55:37,139 I leered at the sun. 1509 01:55:37,222 --> 01:55:40,559 I trusted no man and especially no woman. 1510 01:55:40,643 --> 01:55:42,937 I was living a hell in small rooms. 1511 01:55:43,020 --> 01:55:44,688 I broke things, smashed things, 1512 01:55:44,772 --> 01:55:47,316 walked through glass, cursed. 1513 01:55:47,399 --> 01:55:48,943 I challenged everything, 1514 01:55:49,026 --> 01:55:51,195 was continually being evicted, jailed, 1515 01:55:51,278 --> 01:55:53,489 in and out of fights, in and out of my mind. 1516 01:55:53,572 --> 01:55:56,408 Women were something to screw and rail at. 1517 01:55:56,492 --> 01:55:58,535 I had no male friends. 1518 01:55:58,619 --> 01:56:00,663 I changed jobs and cities. 1519 01:56:00,746 --> 01:56:03,374 I hated holidays, babies, history, 1520 01:56:03,457 --> 01:56:05,960 newspapers, museums, grandmothers, 1521 01:56:06,043 --> 01:56:09,088 marriage, movies, spiders, garbagemen, 1522 01:56:09,171 --> 01:56:12,967 English accents, Spain, France, Italy, 1523 01:56:13,050 --> 01:56:15,719 walnuts and the color orange. 1524 01:56:15,803 --> 01:56:17,596 Algebra angered me. 1525 01:56:17,680 --> 01:56:19,515 Opera sickened me. 1526 01:56:19,598 --> 01:56:21,600 Charlie Chaplin was a fake. 1527 01:56:21,684 --> 01:56:23,727 And flowers were for pansies. 1528 01:56:23,811 --> 01:56:27,189 Peace and happiness were to me signs of inferiority, 1529 01:56:27,272 --> 01:56:29,984 tenants of the weak and addled mind. 1530 01:56:30,067 --> 01:56:32,611 But as I went on with my alley fights, 1531 01:56:32,695 --> 01:56:34,029 my suicidal years, 1532 01:56:34,113 --> 01:56:36,031 my passage through any number of women, 1533 01:56:36,115 --> 01:56:39,660 it gradually began to occur to me that I wasn't different 1534 01:56:39,743 --> 01:56:41,745 from the others, I was the same. 1535 01:56:41,829 --> 01:56:43,706 They were all fulsome with hatred, 1536 01:56:43,789 --> 01:56:46,125 glossed over with petty grievances. 1537 01:56:46,208 --> 01:56:48,752 The men I fought in alleys had hearts of stone. 1538 01:56:48,836 --> 01:56:50,713 Everybody was nudging, inching, 1539 01:56:50,796 --> 01:56:53,632 cheating for some insignificant advantage. 1540 01:56:53,716 --> 01:56:56,802 The lie was the weapon, and the plot was empty. 1541 01:56:56,885 --> 01:56:59,096 Darkness was the dictator. 1542 01:56:59,179 --> 01:57:02,474 Cautiously, I allowed myself to feel good at times. 1543 01:57:02,558 --> 01:57:04,435 I found moments of peace in cheap rooms 1544 01:57:04,518 --> 01:57:07,479 just staring at the knobs of some dresser 1545 01:57:07,563 --> 01:57:09,815 or listening to the rain in the dark. 1546 01:57:09,898 --> 01:57:12,818 The less I needed, the better I felt. 1547 01:57:12,901 --> 01:57:14,737 Maybe the other life had worn me down. 1548 01:57:14,820 --> 01:57:16,447 I no longer found glamour 1549 01:57:16,530 --> 01:57:18,782 in topping somebody in conversation 1550 01:57:18,866 --> 01:57:22,077 or in mounting the body of some poor, drunken female 1551 01:57:22,161 --> 01:57:24,621 whose life had slipped away into sorrow. 1552 01:57:24,705 --> 01:57:26,582 I could never accept life as it was. 1553 01:57:26,665 --> 01:57:29,418 I could never gobble down all its poisons. 1554 01:57:29,501 --> 01:57:31,712 But there were parts, tenuous magic parts, 1555 01:57:31,795 --> 01:57:33,714 open for the asking. 1556 01:57:33,797 --> 01:57:35,299 I reformulated. 1557 01:57:35,382 --> 01:57:37,342 I don't know when... date, time, all that... 1558 01:57:37,426 --> 01:57:38,927 but the change occurred. 1559 01:57:39,011 --> 01:57:42,306 Something in me relaxed, smoothed out. 1560 01:57:42,389 --> 01:57:44,600 I no longer had to prove that I was a man. 1561 01:57:44,683 --> 01:57:46,351 I didn't have to prove anything. 1562 01:57:46,435 --> 01:57:47,936 I began to see things. 1563 01:57:48,020 --> 01:57:50,647 Coffee cups lined up behind a counter in a cafe. 1564 01:57:50,731 --> 01:57:53,358 Or a dog walking along a sidewalk. 1565 01:57:53,442 --> 01:57:55,319 Or the way the mouse on my dresser top 1566 01:57:55,402 --> 01:57:57,362 stopped there, really stopped there, 1567 01:57:57,446 --> 01:57:59,448 with its body, its ears, its nose. 1568 01:57:59,531 --> 01:58:03,368 It was fixed, a bit of life caught within itself, 1569 01:58:03,452 --> 01:58:07,206 and its eyes looked at me, and they were beautiful. 1570 01:58:07,289 --> 01:58:09,291 Then it was gone. 1571 01:58:09,374 --> 01:58:11,168 I began to feel good. 1572 01:58:11,251 --> 01:58:13,629 I began to feel good in the worst situations, 1573 01:58:13,712 --> 01:58:15,422 and there were plenty of those. 1574 01:58:15,506 --> 01:58:18,509 Like, say, the boss behind his desk. 1575 01:58:18,592 --> 01:58:20,594 He is going to have to fire me. 1576 01:58:20,677 --> 01:58:22,346 I've missed too many days. 1577 01:58:22,429 --> 01:58:25,682 He's dressed in a suit, necktie, glasses. 1578 01:58:25,766 --> 01:58:28,435 He says, 'I am going to have to let you go.' 1579 01:58:28,519 --> 01:58:30,229 'It's all right, ' I tell him. 1580 01:58:30,312 --> 01:58:31,647 He must do what he must do. 1581 01:58:31,730 --> 01:58:33,607 He has a wife, a house, children, 1582 01:58:33,690 --> 01:58:36,860 expenses, most probably a girlfriend. 1583 01:58:36,944 --> 01:58:38,320 I'm sorry for him. 1584 01:58:38,403 --> 01:58:39,613 He's caught. 1585 01:58:39,696 --> 01:58:41,657 I walk out into the blazing sunshine. 1586 01:58:41,740 --> 01:58:44,451 The whole day is mine, temporarily anyhow. 1587 01:58:44,535 --> 01:58:47,079 The whole world is at the throat of the world. 1588 01:58:47,162 --> 01:58:50,040 Everybody feels angry, short-changed, cheated. 1589 01:58:50,124 --> 01:58:52,751 Everybody is despondent, disillusioned. 1590 01:58:52,835 --> 01:58:55,921 I welcomed shots of peace, tattered shards of happiness. 1591 01:58:56,004 --> 01:58:58,340 I embraced that stuff like the hottest number, 1592 01:58:58,423 --> 01:59:01,260 like high heels, breasts, singing, the works. 1593 01:59:01,343 --> 01:59:02,719 Don't get me wrong, 1594 01:59:02,803 --> 01:59:04,555 there is such a thing as cockeyed optimism 1595 01:59:04,638 --> 01:59:05,931 that overlooks all basic problems 1596 01:59:06,014 --> 01:59:07,391 just for the sake of itself. 1597 01:59:07,474 --> 01:59:09,685 This is a shield and a sickness. 1598 01:59:09,768 --> 01:59:11,728 The knife got near my throat again. 1599 01:59:11,812 --> 01:59:13,647 I almost turned on the gas again. 1600 01:59:13,730 --> 01:59:15,649 But when the good moments arrived again, 1601 01:59:15,732 --> 01:59:17,776 I didn't fight them off like an alley adversary. 1602 01:59:17,860 --> 01:59:20,737 I let them take me. I luxuriated in them. 1603 01:59:20,821 --> 01:59:22,614 I bade them welcome home. 1604 01:59:22,698 --> 01:59:24,241 I even looked into the mirror once 1605 01:59:24,324 --> 01:59:27,244 having thought myself to be ugly. 1606 01:59:27,327 --> 01:59:29,329 I now liked what I saw. 1607 01:59:29,413 --> 01:59:30,998 Almost handsome. 1608 01:59:31,081 --> 01:59:33,208 Yes, a bit ripped and ragged. 1609 01:59:33,292 --> 01:59:35,419 Scars, lumps, odd turns. 1610 01:59:35,502 --> 01:59:37,546 But all in all, not too bad. 1611 01:59:37,629 --> 01:59:39,298 Almost handsome. 1612 01:59:39,381 --> 01:59:41,383 Better at least than some of those movie star faces 1613 01:59:41,466 --> 01:59:43,218 like the cheeks of a baby's butt. 1614 01:59:43,302 --> 01:59:44,761 And finally I discovered 1615 01:59:44,845 --> 01:59:47,181 real feelings for others, unheralded. 1616 01:59:47,264 --> 01:59:48,932 Like lately, like this morning, 1617 01:59:49,016 --> 01:59:52,436 as I was leaving for the track, I saw my wife in bed, 1618 01:59:52,519 --> 01:59:54,229 just the shape of her head there, 1619 01:59:54,313 --> 01:59:57,900 covers pulled high, just the shape of her head there. 1620 01:59:57,983 --> 02:00:00,402 Not forgetting centuries of the living and the dead 1621 02:00:00,485 --> 02:00:01,987 and the dying, the pyramids, 1622 02:00:02,070 --> 02:00:04,740 Mozart dead, but his music still there in the room, 1623 02:00:04,823 --> 02:00:06,491 weeds growing, the Earth turning, 1624 02:00:06,575 --> 02:00:08,660 the tote board waiting for me. 1625 02:00:08,744 --> 02:00:10,412 I saw the shape of my wife's head, 1626 02:00:10,495 --> 02:00:11,872 she so still. 1627 02:00:11,955 --> 02:00:13,207 I ached for her life, 1628 02:00:13,290 --> 02:00:15,042 just being there under the covers. 1629 02:00:15,125 --> 02:00:16,668 I kissed her on the forehead, 1630 02:00:16,752 --> 02:00:18,212 got down the stairway, got outside, 1631 02:00:18,295 --> 02:00:20,923 got into my marvelous car, fixed the seat belt, 1632 02:00:21,006 --> 02:00:22,382 backed out the drive. 1633 02:00:22,466 --> 02:00:24,218 Feeling warm to the fingertips, 1634 02:00:24,301 --> 02:00:27,054 down to my foot on the gas pedal, 1635 02:00:27,137 --> 02:00:29,014 I entered the world once more, 1636 02:00:29,097 --> 02:00:31,099 drove down the hill past the houses 1637 02:00:31,183 --> 02:00:32,893 full and empty of people. 1638 02:00:32,976 --> 02:00:35,354 I saw the mailman, honked. 1639 02:00:35,437 --> 02:00:37,773 He waved back at me. 112114