Original subtitles

[music playing]

TOM: Breakfast is served.

[utensils tapping]

There ya are.

Mmm!

Tom, this is delicious!

It must be great to have someone to share the cooking.

Actually, I do all the cooking.

That he does.

Breakfast pizza, pizza burgers, pizza loaf.

I can hardly wait for pizza sorbet.

Oh-ho-ho.

Very funny.

This is the last box for the yard sale.

I don't know how selling this crap's

gonna get me into golf camp.

Well, one man's trash is another man's treasure,

sweetie.

Has anybody thought of asking Monica for her old stuff?

I mean, she never wears the same thing twice.

That is actually a great idea.

Jessie, would you mind going to see Monica?

Did I lose a bet?

[laughter]

Truth is she's been kind of depressed since she

broke up with her boyfriend.

You are so good at pep talks!

Really?

No, not really.

Just that she won't return my calls.

I'm expecting a full report.

OK.

[talking with mouth full] Mm.

This is fantastic!

You barely touched it.

I worked hard on this! - Sorry.

Not really in the mood for eggs.

[music playing]

Now, were these special eggs?

No.

I just-- cooking's kind of become my thing,

and I don't think Jessie's even noticed.

Oh, man.

This is awesome.

Actually, it's kind of demoralizing.

No, no. Look.

Sabrina Maythorpe.

Yeah. The brunette?

She's kind of cute.

CARTER: No, Sabrina's the blonde.

I've been trying to get a date with her for weeks,

but she's always with her friend.

Hey, you gotta be my wing man.

Hey, no-- no.

Carter, I am married now.

I am not going to play your wingman anymore.

I totally respect that.

Huh?

I get it. (SHOUTING) Hey, ladies!

Hey, Carter! CARTER: Hey!

Why did you just call them over?

CARTER: Go with it, man. You look good.

Fix your--

CARTER: Hey.

This is my friend Tom.

Hi.

Hey, Tom.

Do you live at the frat house with Carter?

No.

No, I live over on Henderson with my wife.

His wi-- fi.

His wifi. All right?

This guy's a total techy. Hm?

That's probably why he's single.

[laughter]

[THEME MUSIC - HAWKSLEY WORKMAN, "YES I DO"]

(SINGING) Can't we find a way that we can be together?

Is there any way that we can be together?

And, oh, by the way baby, do you love me?

Yes I do.

Yes I do.

Yes I do.

Yes I do.

[music playing]

There are only 48 cards in this deck.

I want my money back.

Oh, I'm sorry, but as the signage indicates,

all sales are final.

Oh, come on, Ben.

Give the lady her money back.

I'm afraid all I can say, Phil, is caveat emptor.

Rules are rules.

I'm so sorry.

He's an ass.

[humming]

Oh, gee! [clears throat]

How much for this? - 20.

- I'll give you five. - Sold.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

That shouldn't be there. That's mine!

That's not for sale! - Really?

Because I just bought for 15 under asking.

BEN: Maybe if you actually won something of your own,

you wouldn't have to buy my trophy, would you?

Give it to me! - All right!

Listen. Enough, OK?

You know, I would really love it if you two would stop sniping

at each other for, like, a day.

- Contest? - No.

- I love contests. - No-no.

No contest.

Actually, that's not a bad idea.

First one to lose his temper loses the trophy.

Hm?

Well how is that fair?

Phil doesn't even have a temper.

He's too-- sedated.

All right, then.

Phil, to make it fair, you have to do

this without the use of any--

(WHISPERS) substances.

So what? Just beer?

No beer.

Wow.

You're screwed.

[music playing]

BEN: Well, let the games begin.

I already gave my stuff to the poor.

There's a chute down the hall where I just drop them in.

That's the garbage.

Whatever.

Hey.

Ooh, I love the faux leather of this Barcelona chair.

And that Eames table looks like the real thing.

[clears throat]

Yeah, the leather is not faux, and the table is real.

I didn't realize paralegals get paid so well.

MONICA: We do OK.

Also, men give me things.

Speaking of men--

(WHISPERING) I hear you broke up with Todd.

You don't have to whisper.

He's not here-- (WHISPERING) because I broke up with him.

Right.

Well, if you ever need to talk about it, I'm--

[phone ringing] - Oh!

Hold that thought.

[phone ringing]

Andre?

[gasps] Babe!

Can't. I'm already booked.

[kissing sounds]

I've been there.

Between boyfriends.

When I'm lonely, I feel like--

Victoria!

[laughter]

Oh, can't talk-- sister-in-law's here.

Um-- Jodie?

Jess!

[laughter]

Yeah, I'll see you at the club.

You know, your mom made you sound lonelier.

That's because mom can't understand how anybody

could be single and happy.

OK.

Well, I guess I should get going.

[sigh]

Do you want a glass of wine?

I'm under age.

[sigh]

Don't make me slap you.

Maybe half a glass.

[music playing]

TOM: I still don't get why I had to pretend to be single.

Dude.

Do you understand the concept of a wingman?

Your job is to engage the other girl while I work my magic.

If she knows you're unavailable, she'll

be all, oh, let's go get our hair done

and play with hula hoops!

You have no clue what women do when we're not around, do you?

No.

But the bottom line is, I got a date with Sabrina.

Oh, that's great. She seems like a nice girl.

Yeah, double date.

Too bad you'll never see her again.

Aw. All right.

I know-- I know that I've asked for a lot in the past,

but I'm cashing in my chips.

I-- I think I'm in love.

Oh.

I'm-- I'm feeling really light-headed.

I-- I've got butterflies in my stomach.

I've got some serious wood.

You, sir, are a keeper.

But the answer's still no.

[music playing]

Good Lord.

What is that smell?

Ew, it smells like--

Applewood smoked German bratwurst.

Dammit!

Ben, you know the way the smell of meat upsets Phil's stomach!

Yeah, Ben.

Oh my gosh, you're right.

I am so sorry. Hang on.

Let me try to get rid of some of this smoke here.

Hang on.

[sizzling]

Oh no, no no.

Oh, I just made it worse.

[groaning]

Well, no point in letting this go to waste, I guess.

[music playing]

[thud]

TOM: How was your trip to Monica's?

Oh, you know what?

It was actually OK.

You know, she's not that bad once you get a glass of wine

into her. - I know.

She's a lush.

So what did you and Carter get up to?

Played video games, wingman--

uh-- wing commander.

Pretty lame, actually.

That's too bad.

I was thinking we could go check out that new cafe--

make fun of all the hipsters.

Oh, I can't.

Monica asked me if I wanted to go to a club

with her and her friends.

I haven't had a girls night out in forever.

What am I going to do?

I don't know.

Hang out with Carter.

[wine pouring]

[sniffing]

Hoo!

My goodness.

What is that?

What is that smell?

PHIL: Pretty ripe, huh?

Ah.

Must you shovel manure at this hour?

Actually, it's guano--

the world's finest eco-friendly fertilizer, made from the feces

of bats and seabirds.

100% organic.

Take a whiff!

[coughing]

[laughter]

JESSIE: I can't believe you've been to Barcelona.

I feel lucky just sitting on Monica's Barcelona chairs.

[laughter]

So what do you do with your friends, Jessie?

Well, design school takes up a lot of my time.

I'm also married.

You're kidding?

She's kidding.

It's great.

We just don't have that much time to travel.

At least not yet.

Well, hey, if you're into architecture,

you have to check out the Spanish scene.

My husband thinks Gaudi is the stuff between your toes.

Come on, they're letting us in.

Ditch the plastic ring.

The Cracker Jack toy makes you look so underage.

I know, but I haven't taken it off since we got married!

Come on, Jessie--

live a little.

[club music]

Oh, thanks, buddy.

I needed this.

I just-- I kind of wanted to talk

to someone about something.

Um-- I've got this crazy idea, but I

don't know if Jessie will-- [doorbell rings]

Oh.

Love to hear all about it, man, but the girls are here.

What?

Dude, how many times do I have to tell you, I'm married.

What am I going to say to this girl?

Make something up.

Tell her your darkest secrets.

It doesn't matter.

You're never going to see them again, right?

Come on, Tom.

I want us to live a little.

[club music]

Another round of mojitos, ladies?

These are fantastic!

What's in them?

Alcohol.

[laughter]

Oh my God.

I just totally made out with that guy.

[laughter]

He's cute!

What's his name?

I don't know. [laughter]

So, Jess, having fun?

Yeah.

That'll be $40, ladies.

This round's on me.

Oh, thank you.

[laughter]

What's the matter?

Can't find the piggy bank?

My wedding ring's gone!

I must have dropped it!

Oh well.

No, Monica, you have to help me find it!

[laugh]

Oh, I thought you were joking. Um--

[clears throat]

Ooh.

Problem solved.

That's not the same thing.

It's identical.

Now let's go dance.

- Yes. - Woo-hoo!

Come on.

[club music]

So are you just going to text all night,

or do you want to tell me about yourself?

Do you really want to know?

Mm-hm.

Fine.

I still live with my parents and do chores.

I'm afraid to drive, so I tell everyone

it's an environmental stance.

I think babies are ugly no matter what cute little basket

you put them in, and I once had an erotic dream about Velma

from "Scooby Doo".

[laughter]

You're so cute.

I am? KATE: Yeah.

And interesting.

Come on, tell me more.

OK.

Well, um, lately I've been thinking about my future,

and honestly, I want to cook.

Really cook.

Hey, what girl wouldn't want to hook up with a chef?

I saw a biography by Gordon Ramsay somewhere here.

Oh my God, you have to read it.

Come on.

[music playing]

Are you sure it was in this room?

Kate?

Whoa!

What are you doing?

Let's get cooking.

Whoa-- oh boy.

Uh.

OK.

So, uh, listen.

It was-- it was--

[thud] --really great--

[clattering] --to meet you.

Um-- Uh, you're really nice.

[thud]

[laughter]

Why don't you come up here before you hurt yourself?

No, I-- I left the iron on at home.

- Mm-hm. - With my parents.

Did I mention I live with my parents?

Oh, also I-- I like to iron.

[laughter]

You're cute.

Now, why don't you take your pants off.

Ooh.

[music playing]

Goodbye.

[laughter]

[music playing]

[mowing]

JESSIE: Morning! - Hey!

What are you looking for?

My cell phone.

Uh-- it's gotta be here somewhere.

How was your night?

Um.

Fine.

How was yours?

It was OK.

Something wrong with your ring?

No. No, it's just a bit lost--

loose.

Just a bit loose.

How about some coffee?

[music playing]

Hey, Phil!

Hey, where are you going?

Inside, why?

Your car is idling.

Oh, yeah, I know.

I-- I've got to run some errands later, so I thought I'd give

the AC a bit of a head start.

Oh, do me a favor-- let me know when she gets down to 16,

will you?

[sigh]

[laughter]

What's with you?

Nothing.

How was last night?

It didn't suck.

Oh.

It turns out Jessie's refreshing in a just fell off

the turnip truck sort of way.

That's the nicest thing you've ever said about Jessie--

or anyone.

Does that mean you guys are, like, friends now?

No.

Too much baggage for my taste.

All that guilt. Reminds me of Mom.

Guilt?

Yeah, she got all fraught and bothered

because she lost that silly plastic ring you gave her.

But Jessie has the ring.

She had it on this morning.

I got her another one.

It's not like those things are one of a kind.

[laughter]

JESSIE: It was an accident, Tom.

Too obvious.

It fell off.

Too random.

Monica put me up on the bar to dance, and--

what am I saying?

[dialing phone]

[phone ringing]

Tom's phone. Hello?

Hello?

Is Tom there?

Oh, Tom's not here.

Are you his mom?

Actually, I'm his wife.

Are we talking about the same Tom?

18, obsessed with "Scooby Doo", still lives with his parents,

likes to iron?

Yeah, that's my husband, minus the ironing.

Oh my God.

He's married?

[music playing]

[door opens]

Hey, honey!

Have anything you want to get off your chest?

I don't know, Tom.

Do you have something you want to get off yours?

As a matter of fact, I do.

I talked to Monica.

You lost your ring and lied about it.

Oh, I lied.

That's pretty rich coming from you.

By the way, Katie?

She says hi.

Look, I can explain.

When were you going to tell me?

There's nothing to tell.

Nothing happened!

Don't lie to me!

I'm not lying.

I didn't sleep with her.

I didn't even look at her!

Yeah, I looked at her, but I didn't want to be rude.

Well, Katie explained everything.

And what you did was so much worse!

How can you share your aspirations

with some strange girl?

Maybe I would have shared them with you had you shown

the slightest bit of interest.

Maybe I would pay closer attention

if you weren't changing your life plan every other week.

Oh, I do not!

Oh no?

Last month you wanted to go into advertising.

And before that, you wanted to be a fire man.

And now a chef?

It's like being married to a-- a six-year-old.

At least Katie didn't treat me like a child.

Take that back!

Sorry, Jess, no take backsies.

I'm thinking we are too young for this.

I'm crashing at my parents.

[music playing]

I'm sorry, dude.

It was partly my fault.

Partly?

Partly.

All.

They're just words.

Sometimes I envy you, buddy.

What are you talking about?

I'm 18 and married, Carter.

I have to deal with in-laws and bills

when my biggest problem should be running out of ketchup.

Holy crap, we're out of ketchup.

Yeah.

I should be more like you-- never married, never lonely.

Best of both worlds. - All right.

Listen.

Remember Sabrina from the other night?

Yeah.

She dumped me.

So?

You're just going to move on to the next girl.

And-- and then the next girl after that.

Yeah.

Right.

- And then what, Tom? - I don't know.

Then you just keep going until--

You find someone special.

I mean, isn't that the point of it all?

You're right.

Why would you want to be chained down to a girl like Jessie

when you could be here with me, eating

ketchup-less mac and cheese.

[music playing]

(SINGING) Please will you help me

and not take my friends away.

They've got nothing to do with these enemies of you.

Ooh.

[whistle blows]

[drumming]

[whistle blows]

Hey, Ben!

Can you believe I have no musical training whatsoever?

[drumming]

[shouting]

[knocking]

Hi, Phil.

Listen, you win.

Excuse me?

I can't do this anymore.

You're-- you're obviously a more patient man, so--

[patting]

--it belongs to you.

Wow.

Jeez, I'm-- I'm stunned.

Well, it's not like I don't have enough awards, right.

Exactly.

And the fact that you haven't enjoyed this kind of success,

or any, really, right?

So it's a fact that I find almost touching.

So we're both winners then.

Well, I don't know about that.

Anyway, maybe it will raise your self-esteem.

It may even make that wife proud of you for a change.

Maybe even your daughter, man.

Hey, you know what, Ben?

You can take your sanctimonious, and your--

your condescending, and your smug--

You've got to pick a noun eventually there, Phil.

See, I try to be a nice guy, and sometimes

you really piss me off!

Ha ha!

Told you it would work!

Gloating's not becoming, honey.

Yes.

[inaudible]

Hee-hee.

[slap]

See ya, sucker.

So can I have beer now?

JESSIE: Where did you find it?

Oh, it fell on the floor while you were dancing,

so I put it in my purse.

Were you looking for it?

I told you I was--

several times.

Sorry.

I was kind of loaded.

Well, it doesn't matter anyway.

Tom and I-- you know, I don't really want to talk about it.

Why don't we have another girls night?

Yes.

I'll get the tequila.

Already with the tequila?

Oh, maybe she's right.

Maybe we should wait until we get to the club.

Well why can't we just stay in and watch a movie or something?

[laughter]

Hey.

I got your text.

Remember this place?

How could I forget?

I think you were about here.

And I was right about here.

What are you doing, Tom?

It's for real, Jess.

No more kid stuff.

Oh my God!

How did you pay for that?

I borrowed some money from our move-out fund.

Also, I'm going to be the father of a stranger's baby.

I don't know what to say.

Just say yes.

That's all you need to say-- yes.

No.

I can't accept this.

I love you, Jess.

We can get through this.

I know we can, but I had other plans for that money.

So we have to wait a little longer

before we get our own place.

We'll get there.

That's not what I meant.

[music playing]

Chelsea Culinary Institute.

I signed you up for cooking school, Tom.

If it's important to you, it's important to me.

What about the ring?

I found a better one.

An original, like my husband.

[music playing]

TOM: All right, little lady.

Get ready for some Spanish magic--

paella.

Except I subbed the chorizo with hot dogs,

and the chicken with canned turkey,

but it's the same general idea.

It's just like being in Barcelona,

dining in the shadow of Gaudi.

Don't be gross, Jess.

[music playing]

Mmm.

[MUSIC - THE BICYCLES, "OH YES, IT'S LOVE"]

(SINGING) To put the ghost back in its grave.

What's lying over the sea.

It's the lion in me.

Now that I know.

Oh, yes, it's love.

Why go and play the poor victim.

No no no.

No no no.

That's just a game you'll never win.

No no no no.

No no no.

Can't blame the distant past for all the things

you've never done.

You've gotta face up.

Yes, it's love.

Ooh.

No no no no no no.

No no no no no no no no no.

No no no no no no.

No no no no no no.

I never thought you'd--

(SHOUTING) Hi, Mom!

[horn honks]

(SINGING) --no no no How can I travel to where you are?

No no no.

No no no.

Just come back to me, and I'll make you see.

And then you'll know, oh.

Yes it's love.

They're looking back and looking down.

No no no.

No no no.

So much of that is so long gone.

No no no.

No no no.

Things are looking up now that we're looking forward.

Yep, we know, oh, yes, it's love.

Ooh.

[music playing]

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