Original subtitles

[music playing]

Tom, are you ready?

We're going to miss the opening band?

TOM: Why? Who's the opening band?

I don't know.

Some group I've never heard of.

I'm cold.

Are you cold?

No, but then, I'm wearing a shirt.

Yeah, yeah.

I-- I got sweaty, took it off.

Are you OK?

Yeah, yeah, fine.

Got a little something in the back of my throat.

OK. So get some water.

And dinner tasted weird.

And my feet are clammy.

You get clammy feet?

Only when I'm getting sick.

Oh, crap, I'm getting sick.

Maybe we should just stay home.

No, no, no, no.

You've been looking forward to this concert

for, like, a month. - Oh, please.

There'll be other concerts.

Yeah, but not with your fourth favorite band

and that other group.

Well Carter and Eva are waiting,

and I don't want to disappoint them.

OK.

Love you.

Bye.

I forgot my purse.

[groaning]

[theme music]

THEME: Can't we find a way that we could be together?

Is there any way that we could be together?

And oh, by the way, baby, do you love me?

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Look at this-- got the Hills' mail mixed in with ours again.

Well, just bring it over to Phil.

It's bad enough I have to live next to the guy.

Now I got to deliver his mail as well?

I'll just give him a sponge bath while I'm at it.

How do you go from, "hi, here's your mail" to "hello,

want a sponge bath?"

Well, I'm keeping his car wash coupon.

That can't be right.

Hm?

No, it is.

They have Lyle Lovett stamps now for some reason.

No, no, no, no.

It's from Mensa.

The intellectual society.

Phil's getting mail from Mensa?

So?

So Phil can't be getting mail from Mensa.

I'm a judge, and I'm not in Mensa.

And Phil's just a-- well, whatever the hell Phil is.

I guess anything's possible.

No, it's not.

Clearly, it's a mix up.

Yeah, that's what I thought about the Lyle Lovett stamps

at first.

But then, no.

[sighs] - Morning.

Morning.

You look tired.

I didn't sleep.

Something keeping you up?

More like someone.

Tom was up all night coughing and blowing his nose.

Tom is sick?

A little.

I'm sure it's--

Step aside.

I'm on it.

The orange juice has pulp, but I can strain that out.

All right.

Let's see.

I've got Tom's favorite nose drops.

We'll just have to find that new digital thermometer.

Very accurate, goes right in his ear.

Tom has favorite nose drops?

Oh, god. I have to call my dentist.

Supposed to have a root canal, but obviously,

that's going to have to wait.

Soup.

[blowing nose]

I came as soon as I heard.

Sweet, my favorite nose drops.

Do you have to do that out here?

My porch, my rules.

Yeah.

Uh, got some of your mail mixed in with ours again.

Ah, thanks.

I-- I couldn't help but notice you

got a letter from Mensa there.

Yeah.

Try to rope me into speaking at the next meeting.

[chuckling]

Oh, so are a member?

Six years.

Why, aren't you?

No, not as of yet. I--

PHIL: Really? - Yeah.

Wow.

And you're a judge.

[door opening] PHIL: Oh.

Hey, honey.

Ben brought us mail.

Damn mailman.

Tara's having a bit of a war with the carrier.

Well, he started it.

TARA: Can't you read?

Of course I can't read, because I'm just a mailman.

Oh, don't be obtuse.

You know what I'm talking about.

Oh, so now, I'm illiterate and obtuse.

Although I don't know what obtuse means, because I'm

just a stupid mailman.

I'll just go bone up on this.

Ow.

You did dig your nails into his arm.

Could have been a dog bite.

Can't prove a thing.

I got it.

It's a different kind of Mensa, isn't it?

Some sort of a nonprofit organization

that recycles shoes into rope or rope

into shoes or some such thing?

Or-- right?

See you, Ben.

You should have seen Tom's mom.

She was like Wonder Woman, except instead

of the lasso of truth, she had a serving tray.

Oh, yeah.

Why does Superman get to shoot lasers out of his eyes and all

Wonder Woman gets is a rope?

Stay with me, Eva.

Right.

So you just-- you left him alone with his mother?

Don't get me wrong.

I love Tom to death.

I'm just not that good around sick people.

Germaphobe?

No, I just find them irritating.

Oh, that's sweet.

You think I'm a horrible person.

No.

No, I think you lack the nursemaid gene.

- Nursemaid gene? - Yeah.

Some people have it.

Some people don't.

It's like curly hair or an extra toe.

Oh.

Well, Tom's mother has it.

Huh.

What, you don't like this shirt?

Just, this is a territory issue.

You let her take over now, and pretty soon,

she'll be folding your laundry.

Well, that doesn't sound so bad.

What?

Linen wrinkles.

Just to be fair, she did have an invisible jet.

- Huh? - Wonder Woman.

Oh.

Oh, we're back on that?

BEN: Aha.

There we go.

I don't think you can join Mensa online.

I know that, Wendy.

I'm just taking a sample test here to prove that--

for fun. For fun.

It's just for fun.

Ben, let it go.

Just because Phil's in Mensa doesn't

make him any smarter than you.

Actually, it does.

Oh, no, of course he's not smarter.

It's just that the questions are too easy.

Come on. Here.

Look.

If it were two hours later it would be half as

long to midnight as it would be if it were an hour later,

what time is it now?

Time for a harder question.

Oh.

That's great, Tom.

Why don't you just walk around and lick everybody?

What are you doing out of bed?

Oh, Jessie thought maybe we just go for a walk.

Yeah, you know, get some fresh air, stretch his legs.

That is so sweet, Jessie.

Seriously Tom, don't be an idiot.

You'll catch your death out there.

Maybe you're right.

Listen, you get upstairs and under the covers,

and I'm going to make you some nice hot tea.

- OK, Mom. - [inaudible]

BEN: Apple is to pear as potato is to-- oh, God.

It's a harder time getting into our country club.

Anti-Semite bastards.

Hey. Hey.

Excuse me. Wait a minute.

[sighs]

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Yeah.

These aren't mine. - Hm?

They're the Wongs.

They live three blocks down the road.

Well, you're going to want to keep that address,

because that's where all your mail is.

What is your problem?

You know, I just don't like your type.

Hm?

High society.

Nose in the air.

Always thinking you're better than everybody else.

Whoa. Whoa.

Hey.

I am not high society.

I happen to be against junk mail because it's

environmentally unsound.

And for your information, I am very pro-union.

Oh, mm, pro-union.

Oh, friend to the working man.

Hey, everybody, Norma Ray over here.

Norma Ray. - And you know what?

Don't think I didn't see the pages of My "Harper's" missing.

Well, why would I take them?

I can't read. - Oh!

- Remember? - Jesus.

Maybe you can try another tactic.

Like hit him with a shovel?

No, do something nice.

Kill him with kindness.

Eh.

So we're passing on the shovel idea, are we?

Can I ask you guys something?

When I was a kid and I got sick, did you, like, go nuts over me?

Yeah, no, you never got sick.

Really?

That doesn't sound right.

Yeah, no, it's true.

You only ate organic.

Your immune system is impenetrable.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

I'm sure I remember getting colds.

You did.

But I took care of you.

Your mother is a very loving person, Jess.

She's just not very good around sickness.

Ah, she's born without the nursemaid gene, right?

No, it's just how she's wired.

You make it sound like she has an extra toe or something.

Ah, Jessie.

You're just in time.

For what?

Oh, your father thinks he's so Mensa.

I'll see how Mensa he is.

I can Mensa the hell out of this.

"Would you like your results?"

(SARCASTIC) No, I want the hockey scores.

Of course I want my results.

[scoffs]

There we go.

That can't be right.

What are you looking at?

Nothing.

[sniffs, clears throat]

What are you look at?

Hm?

[music playing]

Hey, baby.

I just got back from a nice long walk.

And I think I have an idea of how

we can make you feel better.

JUDITH: Shhh.

Don't wake him.

I just got him off to sleep.

These vitamin C packets will clear you right up.

It's concentrated.

Oh, Mom already gave me like a gallon of orange juice.

Which is loaded with sugar.

What would you rather have?

A cold or diabetes?

Are those my only options?

Chicken soup is ready.

Oh, Mom already made a batch. Did you try it?

It's fantastic.

This is better than homemade.

TOM: How so?

Because it says so on the box, sweetie.

Now, have some of this.

And in a couple of hours, you'll be on your feet and back to--

well, hello, Judith.

Jessie.

I see you have your tray.

Tom said he was hungry.

Well, I can take it from here.

Oh, it's no trouble.

- No, really, I insist. - It's my pleasure.

You've done enough.

Well, perhaps we should let Tom decide.

I'm afraid Tom is delirious due to dangerously high blood

sugar.

What is that supposed to mean?

Guys, guys.

It's-- you know, it's not a competition.

The important thing is that I get better.

That's right.

PHIL: Hey, Ben.

Ben.

How'd it go?

How'd what go?

PHIL: The Mensa test.

Jessie mentioned you were gonna take it.

- Oh, it was great. - Oh, yeah?

What was your score?

You cheated, didn't you?

Huh?

You are one big, fat cheating cheater.

And you cheated.

PHIL: Oh.

You didn't pass, dude.

Now, that is seriously bogus.

I'm fine.

If it makes you feel any better,

that online test isn't a really good barometer anyway.

It's not?

Nah.

No, the real test is quite a bit harder, actually.

Forget about the stupid test.

Maybe I could pull some strings.

I could make some calls.

It'd be great to have a buddy in the club, huh?

God, you are one arrogant son of a bitch.

I got all your favorites.

"Maxim," "Details," "Rolling Stone."

Hey, that have an article with the guy on the postage stamp.

Check it out, Tom cat.

I got you all the "Saw" movies, plus the first season

of "Robot Chicken."

Oh, thanks, baby.

That's so thoughtful.

Yeah.

Too bad he doesn't have a DVD player in here.

It was on sale.

I was gonna get you Blu-ray, but I didn't want to spoil you.

Oh, you guys are so awesome.

I don't know what to say.

Actually, I'm feeling a little sleepy, if you don't mind.

Oh.

Oh.

No.

You sleep tight, tiger.

He prefers Tom cat.

[door closes]

Hey, Kurt.

Yeah, it's me.

Dude, you would not believe the thing

I've got going on over here.

- What's this? - A peace offering.

I made you a carrot cake.

You did?

I thought we could just put this whole misunderstanding

behind us.

Oh.

I get it.

I'm supposed to carry this cake around for the rest of the day.

Oh, yeah.

Now, that's very funny. - No.

I mean-- what--

I-- I thought you could just, you know,

put it in your truck or something.

[sighs]

I haven't been assigned a truck.

Hm? Only the top guys get trucks.

But you probably already knew that, didn't you?

Didn't you?

Mail.

You know what I just noticed?

That guy's kind of defensive.

And remember, it's two drops in each nostril.

He'll try to get three, but you stand firm.

I stop by to say hello and you put me to work?

Is it gonna kill you to take something

up to your sick brother?

I don't like seeing him when he's healthy.

Go.

[sighs]

Worried about Tom?

No.

He'll be fine.

It's Jessie.

Sometimes I think she's trying to take over for me.

Well, she is his wife.

I know.

But where does that leave his mother?

Yeah.

You'll always have me to take care of.

Well, that's different.

You're self-sufficient.

Oh, am I?

Thanks to Phil, I'm now having trouble understanding

a Family Circus cartoon.

Well, it's not you.

It's the cartoon.

That's for that.

Oh, don't worry.

You'll always be Tom's mother.

And you'll always be the smartest

man in the neighborhood.

Who isn't in Mensa.

Try Marmaduke.

It's easier.

TOM: No, I'm gonna say dyeing your pubes clearly

is an awful idea.

[laughing]

TOM: So he thought the raccoon was attacking him,

but it was actually humping his leg.

Yeah, it was hilarious.

No, I'd love to play ball, but I can't leave house.

Unless-- what if I faked a doctor's appointment?

Too much?

I gotta go.

[fakes cough]

I'll buy you a nice bottle of wine.

You're underage.

Non-alcoholic?

Non-alcoholic?

What do you want, Monica?

[sighs]

PHIL: Hey, Ben.

You want some carrot cake?

What's that?

Some sort of a smart joke I'm not supposed to understand?

No, it's a carrot cake.

Trying to pawn that off on you now, huh?

I hate those people.

Tell me about it.

They think they're so smart.

Oh, they think they're better than everyone else, am I right?

Exactly.

Hey.

I'm Ben, by the way.

Donald. BEN: Nice to meet you.

I like the cut of your jib there, Donald.

You don't judge me.

Well-- so what do you do, then?

I'm a judge.

But listen, if you're done your route,

would you like to join me in a good single malt?

Well Well, no.

But, uh, I could sure use a beer, if you know what I mean?

Oh, even better.

Right this way, my good man.

You know I got him a heating pad.

An electric heating pad?

Not very environmentally conscious.

Yeah, well, neither is wasting water.

Hey, Monica, where'd you get that DVD player?

Tom gave it to me in exchange for keeping my mouth shut.

Mouth shut about what?

Pretending to be sick.

Oops.

Beer.

Simple and unpretentious.

You know what goes great with beer?

Hm?

Honey pretzels.

Pretzels!

Ha, I love it!

Yeah.

So you-- you just carry these things around in your bag?

DONALD: I got to keep carbed up.

You know?

This job is not as easy as it looks, huh.

Oh, hey, it looks plenty hard to me, you know?

Dogs, traffic, what, bad weather.

Oh, yeah. The cats.

Really?

DONALD: Yeah, no one expects the cats.

No, I wouldn't have.

Yeah, they jump out of the tree.

They just claw you right on your back.

No kidding.

So many things you got to worry about.

Oh, but worst of all-- DONALD: Hm?

Stuck up jerks.

[laughing]

Cheers.

[laughing]

What's going on?

We're taking you to the hospital.

I'm sorry. What?

Well, you have to think of the rest of the family, Tom.

I just spoke to the doctor.

And he says based on your symptoms,

you may have a virus that's going around.

What kind of virus?

Z29F.

I don't know.

There were lots of numbers and letters.

And there may have been an animal in there too.

Don't you worry.

It's just a precaution.

Yeah, but if there's a bad virus going around,

aren't you supposed to stay away from the hospital?

Whatever.

I'm sure it's nothing to be alarmed about.

I'm better.

I mean, I am better now.

Just now.

This morning.

Yesterday morning.

I-- I really was sick.

I'm just feeling better now.

Prepare to start feeling worse.

The ranger says--

Yeah?

That's not a canoe, but you can keep paddling.

[laughing]

Oh, you're a delight.

TARA: All right.

That's enough.

I know what you're doing, Ben.

Uh-oh.

What is it exactly I'm supposed to be doing?

You're hanging out with him just to infuriate me.

Classic Tara.

Yeah, it's all about her.

For your information, your highness,

I'm hanging with Donald here because he gets me.

He's an average ordinary Joe.

Oh.

Pardon me.

Well, you know what I mean.

Just--

Hey, you're judging me.

BEN: What?

He's judging me.

Sure sounds like it.

Well, for your information, I just happen to have

a rich and varied interests.

Oh, I'm sure you do. It was just--

Oh, let me-- let me apologize for Ben, Donald.

He's a bit of an elitist.

Oh, OK.

Well, screw you!

BEN: Don't listen to her, Donald.

PHIL: See you later, honey.

BEN: Come on.

Where are you going?

I've got that Mensa meeting tonight.

Holy crap.

I forgot all about it.

Hey, can I get a lift with you?

What?

Oh, hey!

I always thought I recognized you.

[nonsense noises]

Boom, chaka, boom, chaka, boom, chaka, boom, chaka.

Mmmm-Mensa!

See you out front.

All righty.

Be careful with that.

It's linen.

JUDITH: Yoo-hoo!

TOM: Oh, lemonade.

It's for Jessie.

Oh, thanks, Judith.

I'll bring the tray down when I'm done.

Actually, I've been thinking.

And I want you to have it.

A passing of the tray, if you will.

Thank you.

It means a lot.

Oh.

Take good care of him.

OK, I don't care if you catch the plague.

We are not using a tray with a choo choo on it.

His name's Topper.

Really?

[coughing]

[coughing continuing]

[groaning]

Oh.

I brought you some soup.

[groaning]

And your favorite nose drops.

Oh, thank you, honey.

And your favorite magazines.

"Economist," "National Review," "Necktie Aficionado."

Oh, it's a new one. JUDITH: Mmhm.

Thank you.

You don't happen to have a handgun as well, do you?

Oh, cheer up.

I have some good news.

Hm?

Mm.

Wendy took the online Mensa test.

Oh, she failed, right?

Um, yeah.

Yeah, it's too bad.

You're not just saying that to make me feel better, right?

Oh, you are so smart.

[chuckling]

Uh--

Ah--

Mm.

When you say smart--

Genius.

[music playing]

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