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(film projector running)

(bright orchestral music)

("Oh Tannenbaum")

♫ Deck the halls with boughs of holly

♫ Fa la la la la la la la la

Mommy, do you think they sing good?

They sing well.

Be more careful with your English.

Mommy, what does gay mean?

It means, happy.

Hmmm.

♫ Fa la la la la la la la

Okay sweetie, hurry up.

- But Mom, school doesn't
start for an hour.

Well, it's better to be an hour early

than a minute late.

Come on.

Give me a big smile before you go in.

Nuns don't like frowns.

I don't feel like it.

Would that change if I told you that we

are gonna go see Santa after school?

Yes.

(tense orchestral music)

My, my, Tony,

so early.

I like that.

How are we today?

I am very gay.

Gay is evil, Tony.

Gay is evil.

Gay is evil.

Is that enough Sister Betty?

Have you learned your lesson?

Yes, Sister Betty.

All right.

(rock music)

I'm telling you brother,

nobody should have ever let
that woman have a license.

Or any woman for that matter.

You know what I'm saying?

Check it out, check it out,

three o'clock, look at this.

[Driver] Oh my God.

Delicious.

- Hey, did you find out where
we're working at this week?

- The boss told me it was
some famous guy named Bruce.

Bruce?

I'll bet it's Bruce Springsteen.

Naa, he's a Jersey boy.

I'm thinking it's Bruce Willis,

who is also from Jersey.

- Well, what are we doing
at your parents' house?

- [Driver] I gotta run in
real fast, and drop this gift.

I'm trying to hide it from Sarah.

- [Passenger] You started
your Christmas shopping yet?

Started?

Brother, I'm just finished.

Thank God, I hate shopping.

Yeah, so do I.

I'll be right back.

Hey Pop.

Hey Sport.

Hey Kiddo.

- I'm not a kid, I'm going
to college next year.

Yeah, don't complain to me about it.

I hope you wiped your feet.

You want some breakfast?

No, I don't got time.

You don't have time.

Same difference.

- I did not raise you to
slaughter the English language.

Oh, oh my Gosh, everybody look.

- [Voice From Wreath] Ho,
ho, ho, Merry Christmas.

How cute is this?

♫ We wish you a Merry Christmas

- ♫ And a Happy New Year
- Come on!

Listen,

♫ Deck the halls with boughs of holly

♫ Fa la la la la la la la la

Oh, you guys are all Grinches.

I hate that song.

Ma, could you do me a favor?

Could you put this somewhere?

Sarah keeps sniffin' around our apartment.

- BTW, you didn't get
something stupid again

this year, did you?

What do you mean something stupid again?

I buy great gifts.

OMG, really?

A twin set of Snuggies?

OMG, yes.

That way she can be comfortable

when she watches your show, gossip girl.

What's the matter, Pop?

Your stock in pork bellies go down?

I don't get it.

Here we have another state

making it legal for gay
couples to get married,

and have kids.

What's wrong with that?

Tony, would you like to tell you mother

what's wrong with that?

- Marriage is an institution
between a man and a woman.

Besides, no kid should
have to have two fathers.

That's right.

One's bad enough.

I wasn't laughing at that.

I was laughing at Tony's hair.

- Okay, it's always nice to
make a stop at the institution,

but I gotta go to work.

You have to go.

See, Mom agrees with me.

Love you Mommy.

I'll see you later Pop.

Okay, Buddy.

LAPD, open up.

(somber orchestral music)

Hey hey.

[Both] Hey.

- I don't know, but
something is telling me

this is not Bruce Willis' house.

- That's because it's
Bruce Vilanch's house.

Who's he?

- Bruce Ve-what?

Are you kidding me?

Bruce Vilanch, he's huge,

physically and talent-wise.

Have you ever heard of a little show

called the Hollywood Squares?

I don't mean the old
one that got cancelled,

I mean the newer one that got cancelled.

I think he was like center square, man.

I never watched it, but I mean,

he's the most respected
writer in all of Hollywood.

More importantly, he's my very first

celebrity slash wealthy, client.

So you boneheads better do a
damn good job for this guy.

I owe it all to my new
head of design, Steve.

Steve-O, come out here and meet the boys.

Hey guys.

He introduced me to BV.

Bruce Vilanch.

So how do you know this Vilanch guy?

Oh, my boyfriend Michael

used to do his hair and makeup

when he was on the Hollywood Squares.

Your boyfriend?

Yeah, why?

No,

nothing.

What do got on your feet there, buddy?

Oh, these are my new Pradas.

Cool, huh?

Yeah,

I mean, I probably wouldn't wear them.

But, cool.

- Yeah, I'd love to stay around
and talk with you ladies,

about your shoes all day,

but unfortunately, you got work to do.

And I've gotta show Steve
the back of the house,

so let's get going.

Bye guys.

Bye guys.

Oh my God.

Hey, dead man walking.

What's that supposed to mean?

Gettin' married right?

Yeah.

Dead man walking.

- Yeah, but we still
have your bachelor party

to look forward too, right bro?

Oh, that's what I'm talking about.

I didn't hear him talking about that.

- Hey, smart move getting
married on New Year's Eve.

You'll never forget your anniversary.

Hey, where's the new guy from?

It's the boss' nephew.

The boss has a fudgepacker for a nephew?

Can you believe that?

No, poor guy.

You know I don't understand why anybody

would choose to get rammed in the--

I don't think it's a choice, bro.

Oh, it's definitely a choice.

You know, and it's
starting to piss me off.

And every time I turn around
I get one of these guys

french-kissing each other in public.

Hey guys.

Hey.

You remind me of someone.

A young, Tony Curtis?

- You're actually more
attractive than he was.

Hey guys.

Geez.

You know what bro, I'd watch out,

because I think that Steve,

he's going for a piece of
the south seats there buddy.

♫ Not to tell you why

♫ But I would probably be wrong.

- [Unknown Voiceover]
That Christmas tree's

embarrassing man.

Yeah, it's small.

But it's got big balls.

Your tree has elephantitis.

Hey come on, let's get
down to business here.

Pick your poison for your bachelor party.

All right, let's do this.

Well look at all this variety huh?

You know all this ends when
you get married, right?

You know that?

Yeah, I know.

Yeah?

Well, look at this.

Hot sex action, 25 cents,

that's cheaper than a value meal.

Yeah, cheap sex, that's great,

and, you know, I'm gonna miss it,

but let me tell you something Danny boy,

one of these days you are gonna understand

what it's like to truly be in love.

You know, to really want to
give yourself to one person,

and one person only.

Sarah's awesome.

Oh, that is so sweet.

You're pussy-whipped.

Oh, whipped, it's a whipped cream dish.

You put some cinnamon in there,

put a little ketchup in there.

Macaroni.

Macaroni, garnish it with Macaroni.

And you serve that chilled.

It's good.

What do you call that?

Wow, (whistles) look at the time.

Huh, time flies, when you're having fun.

All right, I gotta go.

Somewhere there's a happy hour

and a beer with my name on it.

- He probably has to get to the
spice shop before it closes.

And here, I had no idea you
two took such an interest

in the culinary arts.

Oh yeah, I even took care of dinner.

Really?

You made something?

I made the necessary arrangements.

- Tony, would it kill you
to try and cook, just once.

Not gonna happen.

[Sarah] Why not?

'Cause I'm a man, baby.

Sweetie, cooking is not feminine.

Loads of guys cook.

Some of the best chefs
in the world are men.

I'll barbecue.

But we don't have a barbecue.

I know.

(doorbell ringing)

I'll get it.

Who is it?

Peter Piper's Perfect Pizza.

Watch this.

Who?

Peter Piper's Perfect Pizza.

Who?

Peter Piper's Perfect Pizza, dude.

Well why didn't you say so?

What's Bruce Vilanch like?

I don't know, he's never around.

Who cares anyway?

Well, I care.

You know, I work in public relations.

Knowing about celebrities
is my career Tony.

Anyway besides, he's really funny.

- It's not like we're
working on Megan Fox's

house or anything,

which I wouldn't care
if she was there either,

because she's not really a
fox so much as she is, homely.

Homely?

Maybe not so much with the homely,

but she is definitely
not as beautiful as you.

Right.

Everything smells delish.

Everything?

Everything.

So, tell me about your
first day on the job.

It wasn't bad.

Wasn't bad.

Is that all I'm gonna get out of you?

What was it like working for Uncle?

Do you like the other guys?

Tell me about your day.

It was nice.

It's small, it's intimate.

Everyone seemed pretty nice.

So, we got a new guy at work.

Tell me.

Homo.

Tony, please don't use that word.

Well what word do you want me to use?

Why do you have to label him at all?

Can't he just be a guy you
work with, end of story?

I think you mean, end of fairy tale.

Fairy tale.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

One of the guys at work
gave me a weird vibe.

Weird like what?

- Weird like, I think he
has a problem with us.

In this day and age,

I'm sure you're just
being overly sensitive.

- All I'm saying is, I'll bet
he voted against gay marriage.

- Well then you guys
should get along great.

What?

Prop eight got me off the hook,

I heard you talking to Glen.

Oh come on, I was kidding.

- You still don't want
to get married though.

Here we go again.

(soft jazz music)

- Do you really think I'm
prettier than Megan Fox?

- Well I think we all know
the answer to that one.

I love you, Tony.

I love you more.

I'm sure you're right about Tony.

I know I'm right.

I love you.

I know what you love.

- Well that was definitely
better then watching TV.

Even football?

Even football.

Well, maybe not the Super Bowl.

[Danny] You ready for the big day?

Ho ho ho.

I meant the wedding fool.

I know what you meant.

Mike and I went to really nice wedding

in Irvine last weekend.

- Well, no offense but,
with all due respect,

I don't think I'd be comfortable

if two dudes showed up at my
wedding holding hands, ya know?

Ow.

What happened, you break a nail?

No, I got my finger caught.

What, are we in kindergarten?

Why, you want to take a nap with me?

- You're the last person I
would want to take a nap with.

- Oh, come one Steve, I saw
you checking out my ass.

- The only reason I
would check out your ass,

is if I needed a place
to show my home movies.

(guys react with hoots and laughs)

What's he talkin' about?

That's not funny.

Brian, tell me.

Do I have a flat ass?

- I don't know, pull down
your pants so we can all see.

No, keep your pants on chief.

Hey Tone.

Yeah?

- I know someone who would
like to check that out.

Well I know it isn't you Jake,

and I know it's you Danny.

So, who could it be?

Steve?

See, I knew it, you're a homophobe.

No, I'm not.

What the hell is that thing?

- That there, is a magnificent,
working beautiful ornament,

that I found in a neighbor's trash bin.

These people around here are so rich,

that their trash is gonna be
on the tree tomorrow night,

at our company Christmas party.

Oh, you know what boss, I almost forgot.

I can't make it to your party.

My girlfriend's dragging me to some play

called Cracked Nuts.

You mean the Nutcracker?

Something.

- My girlfriend dragged
me there last year.

It's boring.

Whatever.

Save your twenty bucks.

- I wish that we didn't
have to listen to this crap.

(music dies)

See, that music was so
bad it killed the boombox.

You know what I wish?

I wish we'd get another A list client,

so I could pay you guys

to keep sittin' on your
butts, shootin' the...

(phone ringing)

Yeah, it's Joe.

Oh,

hello sir.

Yo, oh yes.

Absolutely.

I'd be honored.

Two o'clock is perfect.

Thank you very much, Mister,

Top.

Okay then.

Wishes do come true, fellas.

We just got the Carrot Top account.

(group gives approving hollers)

Way to go boss.

(Joe singing happy notes)

(bell ringing)

Welcome to Spudic's Video.

If you don't see it, we ain't got it.

[Unknown Female Voiceover] Hey, Anthony.

Hey, Rachel.

You're looking handsome these days.

And um, fit as always.

- Thanks, you're looking
pretty good yourself.

- Movie night, I remember
how much fun that was.

I almost called you a couple of times.

Yeah, well why didn't you?

Been busy.

Welcome to Spudic's Video.

[Tony] I got engaged.

Oh, another one bites the dust.

Oh, well that is just so sweet.

I'm sorry, I just meant that um,

she's a lucky girl.

Yeah, she is a lucky girl, isn't she?

So, when's the big day?

Two weeks.

I have an idea.

Why don't you

come over one night this week?

While you're still single,

so we can say goodbye.

- You know there's just
one problem with that.

I'm not single.

[Rachel] But you're not married.

So, she'll never know.

Yeah,

I'd know.

That's all that really matters.

Nice seeing you.

Badass cops, and badass robbers.

I do okay?

You did amazing.

(easy rock music)

(street noise)

- Hey, the party doesn't
officially get started

till I see some pigs in a blanket.

Don't worry, the pigs in a
blanket will be coming soon.

Who are your beautiful friends?

Well I hope you don't mind, Joe.

I brought along my bridesmaids.

This is Laura,

and this is Kathy.

Oh Kathy, Joe, you're very beautiful.

Thank you for coming,
and please don't leave.

I don't mean to sound
creepy, in case it does,

I just mean that I am
honored you guys are here,

and please don't leave Kathy.

And okay, good to see you guys.

Joe, wait a second.

I got you a secret Santa gift.

This is a secret Santa gift?

Yes.

And did Tony pick it out?

Yes.

- So I'm guessing that
it's a lesbian porn DVD?

Honey, there's your chardonnay.

Oh my God, he just called him honey.

Guy's an apron and a Bundt cake
away from being a housewife.

Sarah?

Steve.

How are you?

[Steve] I'm well, how are you?

Wow.

You two know each other?

Yes, we met when I studied abroad.

I didn't think you studied broads?

We've actually dated a little,

which is why nothing happened.

Exactly, this is my Michael.

I'm the boyfriend.

Very pleased to meet you.

You too, gorgeous.

Oh, so this is the RBI?

Yes.

You mean like runs batted in?

Because you know I was
all-state in high school.

No, like Republican breeding ignoramus.

Um, so Michael what do you do?

I'm a hair and makeup artist.

Does my makeup look okay?

No, you still look 40.

[Waiter] Quiche?

You know what, I'll pass.

You'll pass?

Great, I have a ton to do in the kitchen.

If anyone asks, it's vegetable.

- You know, that's not what I--.

You want one?

Naw, I hate quiche.

Oh, mmmm.

I have to stop eating like this,

I'm as big as a house.

[Tony] What are you talking about?

It's a couple of extra pounds.

- Yeah, you're not the
one on the bottom, dude.

Oh.

Oh, I hate to eat and run but,

I'm not feeling very well.

Honey can we?

Let's go, let's go.

Okay.

Thank goodness, I was chasing that guy

all around the room.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Laura.

I'm Brian.

I gotta get another drink.

Is there a Missus Brian?

[Brian] No.

Where's the bathroom?

Don't you ladies go in pairs?

Steve, why don't you go with her?

Tony, knock it off.

Come on Kathy, I'll show you.

("The Twelve Days of Christmas")

- All right everyone, can
I have your attention?

I know I'm hilarious, and
I like to joke around,

but I want to say how honored I am

that you took time out of your busy lives,

to come here to my holiday party.

Christmas is my favorite holiday,

because Christmas is
about family and friends,

and traditions.

My favorite Christmas tradition,

is the mistletoe.

And for those of you who don't know,

this is how mistletoe works.

See?

- I'd better not, I had
the garlic mashed potatoes.

Screw it.

Yeah, yeah, there you go, there you go.

Now I know we don't know
each other very well,

but I think it might be
bad luck if we don't do--

(romantic orchestral music)

You're not my friend so,

okay, okay.

Guys, please,

if you two kiss,

I swear the pigs in a blanket I just ate,

are gonna be all over this carpet.

Stop it right there Tony.

Are you telling me,

that you've already had pigs in a blanket?

Honey, I'm gonna get us some, don't worry.

That is so hot.

Nice, get a bathhouse.

- You know, I am sick and
tired of your homophobic slurs.

I didn't slur, I said it very clearly.

- Steve, he really doesn't
mean anything by it,

do you Tony?

Yeah, yeah, I was just jokin'.

Don't be so sensitive.

Somebody needs to teach you a lesson.

What are you gonna do?

Hmmm?

You gonna throw pixie dust in my face?

Tony, stop it, seriously.

You are such a moron.

You know what I wish?

What?

What do you wish?

I wish you were gay,

so you'd know what it was
like to walk in my shoes.

- Oh yeah, well I wish
that you were straight,

so you'd know how disgusting you are.

Tony, you are the only one

that's being disgusting right now.

Damn, I didn't mean to say that.

All right everybody,

it's Secret Santa time.

(sleigh bells)

All right, show's over.

Great time, Uncle.

10:30?

- Yeah, it's the only
way I can still party.

You boys be careful out there.

Thank you for coming.

Laura?

Are you ready?

- Brian wait, okay this is my
home number, my cell number,

my work number, my email.

Sorry I don't have a fax.

Kathy, are you ready?

Oh, hey I just want to say

how grateful I am that
you came to my party.

It means a lot to me.

I'm gonna stay and help clean up.

- And if she said stay, and
help clean up with me, here,

and it's just us, and
we're gonna clean up,

and so we'd better get started.

So thank you.

Okay, hey, great party huh?

See you later, bye.

Awesome.

(bright acoustic music)

♫ Space come to me

♫ I don't need anything more to breathe

♫ Built my own legacy of defeat

♫ All by myself

♫ Down comes the sky

♫ Answering my prayer in double time

♫ Lighting up everything in sight

♫ I try to hide

♫ Nowhere to hide

♫ Carefully is to hide the man inside

♫ The child inside a man inside

♫ Carefully is to hide a man inside

♫ A child inside

♫ A man inside

♫ Space come to me

Wow.

Bounce a quarter up that
ass you'd get change back.

Excuse me.

- Ah, change you know
for the parking meter.

I need some change.

There's no meters on this street, dude.

Oh yeah, would you look at that?

Getting married next week.

Oh yeah, hey, good luck with that.

What is going on?

Wow, I'd like to bang that

like a screen door in a hurricane.

Did I just say that out loud?

Actually, you did.

Did I just slap you?

Actually, you did.

♫ Carefully is to hide a man inside

♫ A child inside the man inside you

- Hey girlfriend, I didn't
know you were coming by.

Why didn't you call?

What are you doing?

You shouldn't answer the door like that,

you're practically naked.

What?

Oh my God, you've seen me
like this a thousand times.

Yeah, this time it's different.

[Woman] Different how?

Trish, something's happened to me.

Oh God, you found Jesus?

No, look,

this is gonna sound really bizarre.

But I've been noticing women lately.

You've been noticing women.

What are you talking about?

Sit down.

No, I'll stand.

[Trish] What is it, tell me?

I can't explain it.

Oh honey, I'm sure it's nothing.

Hey, do you like my new bra?

Yeah,

so I don't know what it is,
but something's going on,

and I've been looking at
women and feeling something.

Wait, so what you're telling me,

is after five years of
being a proud gay man,

you suddenly are attracted to women?

Kinda.

- I never heard of a closeted
heterosexual before but.

Oh, Steve.

Cut it out.

You're gay.

You're gay gay gay.

- I think I might be
a little less gay now.

So, if I do this,

does that do something?

Not a 100% sure on that.

Does this feel good?

- I gotta tell you,
I've felt worse things.

What if I put my hand, here.

Oh my God.

You're not kidding.

I told you.

Did you tell Michael yet?

- No, how are you supposed
to tell your lover

that you suddenly switched
to the other side?

Ask Ann Heche.

(gentle jazz music)

That's kinda funny.

- I don't believe you're
watching this movie.

What? It's a cowboy movie.

[Voice From TV] I can't quit you.

- About two cowboys who fall
madly in love with each other.

Not really you're kind of thing, Tony.

What?

I, wow.

I guess I wasn't paying attention.

Are you sure you want to watch a film

and not do something else?

Um, I'm kinda tired.

Oh, is it me?

Have I put on weight or something?

No, no.

Well what's wrong then?

Well I don't know.

If you want to be built like a man,

and have the strength of a bull,

I suggest you use my product.

I guess I'm just not feeling well.

You know?

It's like wedding jitters or something,

but you look great.

I love ya.

- You can use this for
your biceps, and triceps.

Could we just go to bed?

- [Guy On TV] It takes
just a few minutes a day.

Yeah.

[Guy On TV] 29.99.

It's just that easy.

And I've only been working
out for about six months.

You ready to pump up?

Let's make it happen.

(TV white noise)

(sexy jazz music)

Hi Tony.

How do you know my name?

- Take a fresh breath
mint, so I can kiss you.

It's minty.

Wait, what makes you think
that I want you to kiss me?

- Oh I seen how you were looking
at me in that commercial.

Hold on a second.

Why aren't you with Steve?

I don't know, this is your dream.

♫ Do you want

Oh that feels good.

Oh yeah.

Oh that feels great.

Tony?

What?

Some dream huh?

Yeah.

What about?

Well, I can't remember.

Well I hope it was about me.

Why?

- Because mister soldier's
at full salute right now,

and if you weren't dreamin' about me,

then you were dreamin'
about some other woman.

- I promise I wasn't
dreamin' about another woman.

Could we just go to sleep please?

What's wrong with you two?

Are you guys mad because we're late?

That's may fault.

I just have to have my
sugar in the morning.

Yeah, we got carried away this morning.

I'm sure you know what it's like.

Not lately.

What's going on?

- Steve was just telling
me how he's suddenly

attracted to some women.

And when he saw Trish,

all he could think about was banging her.

I didn't say I wanted to bang her.

I just said I felt funny.

I don't know, maybe I had
a seizure or something.

Can we please just talk
about something else?

- If you're not attracted
to me, just say so.

I'm an adult.

I can handle this, maturely and calmly.

Are you ready to order?

- Can't you see we're
having a serious discussion?

Real calm and mature.

I'm sorry.

I'll have a house salad, light dressing.

I'm sure butch over here, will
have the meat and potatoes,

being the macho man he is.

Oh grow up.

Maybe it's like a 24 hour virus.

We are going to split a vegetarian pizza,

and I'm gonna have the
Caesar Salad please.

Okay.

You know Steve, if you're thinking

of trying it with a woman, I'd
be willing to help you out.

- You're hitting on my
boyfriend, right in front of me.

Don't expect a tip.

Let's start with a beer.

And then I'll have the meat-lover pizza,

large with pepperoni and meatballs.

[Waiter] Sausage?

No.

See, what did I tell you?

It took almost two years to
get him out of the closet.

Now he's all the way back there.

He's all the way back in frickin' Narnia.

I was kidding.

Okay, I was kidding.

I am not attracted to women.

Hello.

Hey.

Okay, that's it.

I'm leaving.

I don't want to see you,

until you're back on our team.

You are definitely straight.

Hey sweetie.

Hmmm, something smells delicious.

You ordered from somewhere new.

I didn't order it, silly.

I cooked it.

That Martha Stewart really
knows what she's talking about.

Really?

Wow, looks great.

Try it.

Mmmm, darling this really is incredible,

and it was done by you.

I know.

Why didn't you cook before?

(bell rings)

The souffle.

[Sarah] Wow, souffle.

Tony.

Who is this stranger in my apartment?

Who is this stranger in my apartment?

Come on Brady, you suck.

You're kidding me.

You've sucked this whole game.

They were about to score.

Michael, Mike, you're being rude.

You're being rude.

Well done, God.

Last year, you watched
the Gay Pride parade.

This year, you'll probably protest it.

God.

[Voice On TV] All you sinner repent,

whether you're a thief, an alcoholic,

or even a homosexual, we can hear you.

Call this 800 number on the screen,

to find out about our next revival,

where we will drive those
demons from your soul.

Call now.

You're such a true gentleman.

I want to reward you

for making me that
delicious dinner, earlier.

This show is pretty funny.

- Oh, but you can't have an
orgasm to it though, can you?

No, no, but it's very true to life.

Have you ever watched this?

No, but whatever.

I've got something
better for you to watch.

Well honey, I can't see.

This is the climax.

Climax?

Are you serious?

Tony, are you seeing someone else?

What? No.

Well then why are you acting so strange?

Strange?

A second ago, I was a perfect gentleman.

Well, gentlemen are overrated, then.

Hmm, night night.

[Man On TV] Hey, watch it, watch it now.

[Woman On TV] No, honey.

All right, so I checked it four times,

and there doesn't seem to be anything

physically wrong with you.

- Look, Doctor Fist,
there's gotta be something.

It's Feist.

I'm sorry, the sign on the door says Fist.

Theresa, who keeps crossing off the E?

Hold on, I've got something for you.

Take one of these, you'll go for hours.

Trust me.

Viagra?

Yeah.

- Look Doc, the problem's
not me getting it up,

it's who I'm getting it up for.

What're you talking about?

I'm gay but I'm only attracted to women.

All right, I got something for you.

Drop your pants.

Try this.

I'm good.

So you want to be gay, huh?

Yes.

Poof, you're gay.

You lost all your rights.

Happy?

Okay, so I'm not, right?

I mean, at least I
never was, you know but?

- But what exactly is it
you'd like me to do for you?

I want you to make me straight again,

before my wedding next week.

Oh,

okay.

Well, there is this thing,

we haven't done it in quite a while,

but I think it could be very effective.

But I am going to need you
to take off your shirt.

And, I need you to look at this
pictures of hot, naked men,

and I also need you to
put your hand in here.

Now, I want you to just relax.

(Tony screaming)

Jesus lady.

- You suspect your wife
is cheating on you?

What?

You haven't gotten one thing right.

I'm trying to figure out
what's wrong with me, here.

Marlo, shut that damn dog up.

(phone ringing)

Excuse me.

Hello Michael.

Hi Michael.

No, Michael I will call you later.

Sorry.

There is someone special in your life.

I'm seeing the initial M.

Michael perhaps?

You really suck at this.

(gasping)

Magical Christmas angel?

Switch to a sexual orientation.

Mama still got it.

♫ Call on everybody

♫ But when you're walking keep Jesus

♫ You put your hand in his hand

♫ Don't you know

Brothers and sisters, I cannot tell you

how proud I am today,

that so many of you have come here,

to purge yourself of evil demons.

Can I get an amen?

[Audience] Amen.

Give me an hallelujah.

[Audience] Hallelujah.

Feel the love today.

I'm feelin' it, especially
in the back there.

Now, I ask one of you, one of
you lucky sinners right now,

to please come on up here.

Who would like to go first,
and feel the hand of the Lord?

How about you, son?

Come on, get up here you sinner.

Don't be afraid.

Ain't nobody gonna bite ya.

So everybody, let's
give this child an amen.

Yes.

Now, what brings you here today?

What ails you son?

Having homosexual tendencies.

I need you a little bit louder,

nobody else can hear ya.

I'm having homosexual tendencies.

He's having homosexual tendencies.

Sweet Jesus.

We do not want him to travel down

this road to hell, now do we?

No, give me a no.

Now, I want you to kneel,
I want you to kneel.

Kneel down in front of this holy water,

that the Lord has provided for us.

Save that boy.

- Now I want you to repeat
these words after me.

Say 'em with conviction and love.

I will release myself.

I will release myself.

I will purge myself.

I will purge myself.

I will rid my body of these lustful,

sinful desires.

- I will rid my body of these
lustful, sinful desires.

Say it.

Lord I ask you to purge this boy

of all his evil, sinful tendencies.

Demon be out.

You are cured.

Give this boy an amen.

[Audience] Amen.

Give him an hallelujah.

[Audience] Hallelujah.

How do you feel brother?

I don't feel any different.

Go ahead, sit down.

It'll take a little time
for it to settle in.

Go on.

Very good, ladies and gentlemen,

let's get a hand for this
child, this child of God.

(drum beating)

(upbeat techno music)

♫ No you can't hide away

Hey.

[Bartender] Hey.

Can I get a chardonnay?

So, all these guys are gay, huh?

No, it's not chardonnay.

Oh, it's so colorful.

What do you call it?

A Cosmopolitan.

Compliments of Big Harold over there.

Oh man, all these cute guys,

I gotta get hit on, by that?

Sorry about that.

Hi,

I'm Harold.

Hi Harold.

You look so

uncomfortable.

Don't worry, I just came
out of the closet myself.

- Well, congratulations
Harold, good luck with that.

You maybe should have stayed in, but look,

thanks for the cosmotician,

but I'm really with this guy here.

This is my man, my boyfriend, my dude.

Many years, together.

Oh my God.

- Tony?
- Brian.

What are you doing here?

- I'm having a drink, I
mean I was passing by,

and I was thirsty, so I ordered--

- Yeah, me too.
- And he gave me

this thing.

I got this, I don't know
what the hell this is.

Not a beer.

Wow, a lot of guys in here, huh?

I just noticed that.

Must be like a fraternity reunion.

I was just thinking that.

Yes.

Yes, fraternity, definitely.

Oh shit.

What?

- What is she doing here?
- Who?

I gotta find the bathroom.

It's right over there.

Okay.

I mean, I think it's over there.

[Sarah] Let's party girls.

Hi.

Hey, Brian.

I would never have guessed.

It's not what you think.

Oh my God, why haven't you called me?

I ran out of minutes.

Sorry.

Oh, okay.

What are you ladies doing here?

- We're here for Steve
and Michael's anniversary.

Don't worry though, we won't
tell Tony we saw you here.

You won't have to.

[Sarah] What did you just say?

Nothing.

I don't see Steve or Michael.

Oh, that's strange.

I wonder where they are?

- They're probably going
at it, like cats in heat.

(rock music)

- When are you gonna stop
with this ridiculous charade?

Just admit, you're not ready
for a serious relationship.

It's not that.

I can't explain it.

Something, something happened to me.

It's got nothing to do with you.

It has nothing to do with me.

That's the problem.

We have to go now, we are late.

Our friends are waiting to
share our joyous occasion.

Fine.

You're not wearing that are you?

- You gave this to me
last Valentine's Day.

I'm wearing this for you,
what's wrong with it?

It's too queen.

That's it, if you don't straighten,

unstraighten yourself right now,

pack your bags and get out.

Don't be such a heterophobe.

Boy.

- I'm really sorry, my
fiance's out here and I just...

- Let me guess, she doesn't
know that you're gay.

Gay? Me? No.

No, I mean I'm not gay,

at least I wasn't.

Look, I'm working it out okay.

I love newbies.

Oh my God she's coming in here.

What are you doing in here?

Get out of here.

Don't worry, she's fine.

(Tony stuttering)

Stop, stop that.

(women talking over each other)

Okay, okay, so just a fling.

Love's crossed.

My brother comes to this bar sometimes.

Honey, I'm not a big fan of surprises.

Really?

I didn't know your brother was gay.

- Me neither, till I found
him in bed with my boyfriend.

Jesus, would you stop?

I think we're interrupting something.

Mellow out.

I'm curious, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Whoa, those are mine.

Those are mine, those are mine.

Is that my brother?

That might be my brother.

Okay, okay.

She's gone, she's left the bathroom,

so I'm gonna just do that too.

Don't worry, you're safe.

They already left.

Thanks buddy.

What the hell was I thinking?

Did I buy this?

Yes.

And this?

Yes.

The gayness of them overwhelms me.

We have to go.

Just pick any fricking coat.

- If you're gonna yell at
me like some drama queen,

maybe I just won't go.

You know what, fine.

Don't go.

What are you doing?

Well, I can't go by myself.

I will look like a total loser.

(soft jazz music)

I totally dated those two guys,

but they never kissed me like that.

I'll get us some shots.

Tequila.

- Some guy offered to
do it off of his butt.

Potty shot.

- Hey wait, is that Tony
coming out of the bathroom?

I doubt it.

Tony is completely and utterly homophobic.

Oh, he's afraid of houses?

That's gotta be hard.

Oh there you are.

Why did you run away so quickly?

- Would you just give me--

Tony.

Did you just come out of the bathroom

door with this guy?

No.

Yes.

- Okay fine, what, a couple
of girls go into the bathroom,

nobody says anything.

But two guys, and it's a big problem.

What are you doing in a gay bar?

- Ah sweetie, thank you
for letting me borrow him.

Nothing happened.

Could you just please?

If you just would give us a second?

Sarah, he's lying.

Tony, what are you doing here?

Are those Prada?

Yeah, would you look at that?

You know I must have switched
shoes with Steve at work.

You take your shoes off at work?

Forget it.

What are you doing here?

Here?

What am I doing here?

Well, what are any of us doing here?

That's really the question
that you want to know,

because, what are we all doing

hurtling through space
on this big blue rock.

No, no, no Tony,

what are you doing here, in this bar?

I came here tonight to celebrate
with Steve and Michael,

who I thought you couldn't
stand because they're gay,

and here you are.

Of course it's no wonder you think

I'm prettier than Megan Fox,

you can't tell the bloody
difference, can you?

I'm as naive as Laura is.

No offense Laura.

What?

- Okay see, my therapist thinks that--

When have you had a therapist?

I only went once, okay?

And listen, Oprah seemed to think

that everybody should be in therapy,

because it's very
important for the human--

Oh, Oprah.

This is too much for me.

Kathy, Laura, I'm leaving.

Okay I'm coming.

I just want to say goodnight to Brian.

Laura, just give it up.

Hey, I know you haven't called,

but I figured, you probably don't have

a lot of minutes on your plan,

so we can totally text.

I have unlimited text.

Or I could get a family plan.

I mean, it's not like the come over

and check for a ring, or anything,

unless you don't want a family.

Do you not want a family?

That's like really important to me.

But, you can let me know, okay?

But I hope it's a yes.

Okay, I have to go.

My friend's having a hard night.

Good to see you.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye Tony.

Yeah.

Cosmo.

Could I get that drink?

(upbeat techno music)

(men talking over each other in alley)

Ah, what's up faggot?

(men taunting and harassing Tony)

Hey, where you goin' gay boy?

Wanna suck on this?

Gay boy, where's the bar?

- [Unknown Voiceover]
Look at this queer, Ray.

Go queer.

- Dude, that is the worst
game I've ever seen you play.

You ran 'em through like a fag.

What the hell's the matter with you?

Hey, you all right?

No.

Not really.

Danny, you're my best man, right?

Yeah.

So I could tell you anything?

Yeah, man.

What's up?

Come on talk to me.

Would you look at this?

Everywhere I go.

Filthy queers, man.

What's up?

Nothin'.

I know, Tony and me.

Sorry yes, Tony and I,

we'll sort out our problems, I'm sure.

But thank you.

I've got to go.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Love you.

- So, you haven't talked
to me in two days,

not that I'm complaining about that but,

not for nothin',

why are you telling my
mom about our problems?

- How did you know I was
talking to your mother?

- Well, I know that Laura
doesn't correct your English.

You're funny now.

(soft jazz music)

Are you sure you don't want
to give these to mister abs?

Nothing happened with that guy.

- Well, what were you
doing in that bar, Tony?

I was doing what you told me to do,

I was trying to be more
understanding of the gays.

I was trying to get to know them.

Well, I didn't mean getting to know them

in the biblical sense,

in the restroom of a gay bar.

Look,

I'm sorry but,

nothing happened.

Okay?

Five years we're together.

You don't think that you would know

if I was a homosexual or not?

- Well you must admit, it's
been a bit confusing of late.

You're telling me.

Listen, tomorrow,

Christmas day, my parents' house.

Please, tell me that you're gonna

be able to do this with me.

Of course I will.

Thanks.

(knocking on door)

I'll get it.

♫ Deck the halls with boughs of holly

♫ Fa la la la la la la la la

♫ Tis the season to be jolly

Man I hate that song.

("Jingle Bells")

(doorbell ringing)

(knocking on door)
(doorbell ringing)

Don't you hear the bell?

Noop.

Hello, lovers.

Hello.

How are you dear?

Well, considering everything,

I think I'm doing pretty good.

Doing pretty well.

What's the difference?

English.

Why does everybody want
to butcher the language?

Uh, Tony?

Yo Tony.

Hey kid.

What exactly are you doing?

I thought I'd help with the dinner.

Who are you kidding?

You can't even make toast.

Needs truffle oil.

Ah.

- Actually, he made a
gourmet Chicken Marsala meal

the other night.

Really?

I didn't even know he could cook.

Turns out there's a few things

that we both didn't know about Tony.

Like what?

I think I know my Tony pretty well.

Hey, what happened the other night?

That's our business Mom.

Oh, what did my Tony do wrong, Sarah?

Yeah, give us all the dirt on Rambo.

I'd ask if you caught him
watching internet porn,

but we all know that Tony
still thinks that WWW

means World Wrestling...

Yeah, good one.

So why is it that they

automatically assume this was my fault?

Well sweetie, it wasn't my fault

I run into you at a gay bar.

Ran into you at a gay bar?

This is getting good.

You heard that?

I hear everything.

Oh my God.

So, Sarah,

what were you doing at a gay bar?

- Well, me and my friends--

My friends and I.

Sorry, Mary you're correct.

My friends and I, we went to celebrate

with my friend Steve and
his boyfriend Michael,

for their anniversary.

- Oh well, at least somebody's
celebrating anniversaries.

- More importantly,
what were you doing at a

place where they sing and wear chaps?

- You know what Mom, this
turkey looks delicious.

I think we should eat.

We should definitely eat.

- I did not raise my son to
hang out with no fruit loops.

- Any fruit loops, otherwise
it's a double negative.

Mary, what the hell are you doing?

You just find out that your
son's hanging out in a gay bar,

and you're worried about the floor?

- Okay, this is how I
deal with things, okay?

I clean.

It's easier to clean a floor,

than change my son's sexual orientation.

Ohhhhh, no no no no no no no no,

no son of mine is gay.

I mean, look at him.

He was all-state in high
school for Chrissakes,

and get that thing off ya.

- Okay, honey, we love
you, even if you are gay.

But, you aren't.

Well what if I was?

- Uh uh uh, you know I don't
like them theoreticals.

No, no, you know what Pop,

you're gonna answer this one.

What if I was gay?

Actually it's what if I were gay?

Not was, the rule in English--

[Tony and Sarah] Stop correcting us.

I'm an English teacher, it's what I do.

But, you are not gay.

Oh, maybe I am.

- You're gonna stand
there and argue with me?

I mean, 'cause the last time I checked,

this was my house, which makes me king,

which means I make all the rules.

And I say, that you are
not gay, and that's final.

Yeah, well maybe I should just go, king.

Well, maybe you should.

This is so going on Youtube.

Stephanie, please cut that out.

- You would put your own
son out on Christmas?

I ain't the one throwing him out.

It's his idea.

- Don't use the word
ain't, it's ludicrous.

Oh, what the hell's ludicrous mean?

It means ridiculous.

I am really proud of you.

Not for being gay,

but for knowing what ludicrous means.

Which you're being right now, Pop.

Come on Sarah.

Come on.

I'm sorry Mary.

You sit down.

Sit down.

- What, I don't even know
what the hell happened here.

Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas.

♫ We wish you a Merry Christmas

♫ And a Happy New Year

Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas.

That was a mess.

- Tony, I don't think I
can go through with this.

I refuse to make the same mistake

that Liza Minnelli, and her mother made.

I'm not gonna marry a guy
that's on the down low.

I'm sorry, the wedding's off.

I'm sorry about the whole gift thing.

I just forgot.

It's Christmas.

You could have made some sort of effort.

You look like a total slob.

Who cares?

Nobody's here.

I'm here.

Thanks for ruining Christmas.

That's a smoke show right there.

That's what I'm talking about.

Take it off.

Merry Christmas to me.

Hey, Tony.

- Jesus, look who jumped
ship off the SS Homo.

Hey, why the long face, bro?

There isn't gonna be a wedding.

Come on man, don't be stupid.

Woo, yeah.

You guys got any Cosmos?

Cosmos?

Come on man.

Get your head in the game, all right?

Show's about to begin.

I present to you, Miss Candy Cane.

Work down mamacita, yeah.

Hungry?

No, you know what actually,

I'm doing that low-carb,
it's almost summer.

Oh come on.

Don't make me have to spank you.

You can spank me you putalicious cocina.

- (doorbell ringing)
- I'll get it.

Damn.

[Candy] Do you want to lick this off?

That's okay, I'm lactose intolerant.

Me baby me, por favor.

Carlos.

What are you doing here?

I'm in labor.

Why didn't you call me?

I did, you didn't answer.

I must have turned it off by mistake.

I you sure this time?

(speaking in foreign language)

(speaking in foreign language)

Hey, what are you doing here?

Oh, I came to see some jugs.

- Which one of you boys
is gonna lick this off?

I will.

What do you mean, you will?

No no no no no no no no, man.

With all due disrespect,

why don't you get your fudge-packin' ass

outta my apartment, now?

Oh dude, it's cool.

My Uncle told me to come by.

Yeah, you know what?

He's cool, leave him alone.

- No no no no no, it's
not cool, all right?

This isn't work.

This is my house.

All right, you're not
welcome, you're not invited.

Get your ass out of here?

Leave him alone, you RBI.

RBI?

Since when did you start sidin' with fags?

- Since I stopped being a
closed-minded prick like yourself.

You can stay bro, you're welcome.

It's my party, right?

No thanks, I suddenly feel nauseous.

Have a good New Years Eve, man.

I will man.

I'm gonna be at your wedding.

Yeah, no, you won't.

Come on Tony, I'm your best man.

No you're not.

My father's gay.

Hey, I want my deposit back.

(men talking over each other in alley)

Oh look, here he comes again.

Hey puto.

Hey, I told you don't
come back again, puto.

What's the problem guys?

You're the problem, Nancy.

- Listen guys, I used to
be just like you, you know?

Come on, isn't there something better

you guys could be doing with your time?

Check it out, man.

Ain't nothing better I
could do with my time,

then waste it on a cocksucker.

(grunting and slugging)

I thought I taught you puto.

You shouldn't have come man.

Let's get out of here homies.

Thanks kiddo.

I'm sorry.

Thanks Stephanie.

You can call me kiddo if you want.

I'm sorry about what happened to you.

You're not gonna start wearing
my dresses now, are you?

Get outta here.

God, I know it's been a
long time since I've prayed.

Actually, it's been about 10 years.

Are you testing me?

Am I being punished for something?

Because I feel like you're
trying to teach me a lesson here,

but I always thought that
it was wrong in your eyes,

to be gay.

Now whatever's going on with me,

I just wish you could
make me normal again.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean normal, I just

meant normal for me.

Anyway, any help you could
send my way would be,

really welcome.

Amen.

(knocking on door)

Really?

What?

Nothing, never mind just,

what are you doing here?

I heard what happened.

Yeah, I got,

mugged.

Yeah, I got mugged too.

Same spot,

a couple of years ago.

- You know Steve, I really
owe you an apology man,

I've been a real asshole.

I gotta tell you man,

I am definitely not the
same man I used to be.

Well that's ironic, because

neither am I.

How's that?

- For one thing, I'm not
with Michael anymore.

Oh man, I'm sorry.

He was a real catch.

What happened?

Just not talking to him anymore.

Huh, wow, I mean there are

a lot of really cute guys out there.

Yeah, that's not gonna work either.

What do mean?

Well Tony, it's obvious.

You've been hiding your
feelings for a really long time.

- Actually--

No no no no, just let me,

you know you're finally
discovering who you are and,

well it turns out,

I'm not who I thought I was.

Tony, I'm straight.

Straight?

So you mean like, straight.

Like, an arrow.

So what?

You've been pretending to
be gay this whole time?

Just happened recently.

How recently?

Don't worry, buddy.

We're gonna fix this.

I hope so,

'cause for the first time I now know

that I'm in love with Michael.

I really am in love with him and,

I miss him so much.

So, you haven't changed?

No, I did.

I just love him anyway.

And now there's nothing in the way,

not even sexuality.

I can't picture myself
being with anyone else

for the rest of my life,

man or woman.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

So your folks,

are they okay with you know, it?

- My father hasn't talked to
me for close to two years.

He's the one who wanted
me to play football.

I hated it.

Except for the locker room.

No, I really wanted to play soccer.

Yeah, me too.

My dad always said it was a pussy sport.

I never told anybody that.

Are you breaking up with me?

We're not dating.

Brian, I think I finally understand.

You're bisexual aren't you?

Yes Laura, I'm bisexual.

I have sex with gay men, and straight men.

I knew it.

Oh, good, you're all here.

Listen, something really
weird is going on,

and we're not sure what,

but something happened,
and well now I'm gay.

And now I'm straight.

- I think I'm bulimic, I just
keep forgetting to throw up.

Guys, don't be ridiculous.

No, Sarah it's true.

Yeah right.

Yeah, what are you doing?

- I'm just trying to prove
to her that I'm straight.

- Yeah well, could you
maybe prove it another way?

- You never kissed me
like that when we dated.

Were you really flirting with
me at the Christmas party?

Yeah, in fact that's when it started.

I remember I felt a little different.

- Yeah, you know I remember
feeling a little different too,

but I just thought that

I drank too much.

Wow, I was really a dick, huh?

[All] Yeah.

Yeah, you kept insulting me,

and I remember I wished you
were gay to teach you a lesson.

- Yeah, and I wished
that you were straight.

That doesn't explain what happened.

- Maybe all you have to
do is wish it undone.

Come on Laura get real.

No, she's got a point.

It's no harm in trying right?

Okay,

I wish you were straight.

No, I mean I wish you were straight,

but like uncomfortable watching
Olympic wrestling straight.

- Yeah yeah, exactly, and
I wish that you were gay,

but not just gay.

I'm talking like super-gay,
I mean like Village People,

cheerleader, hairdresser, gay.

Well let's test it out.

Nothing, man we really have to
figure out how this happened.

- Could have been the angel
ornament at the boss' house.

What are you talking about?

- Well, at the party when
Steve wished that Tony was gay,

Tony wished that Steve was
straight, that angel lit up.

It was pretty.

And you didn't tell us about this, why?

- Oh, I thought you'd
think I was an idiot.

Well, if the shoe fits.

The angel.

The angel.

(upbeat jazzy music)

Boss, boss?

What's wrong?

Where's the angel?

Not that it's any of your business,

but she stayed at her place tonight.

Her parents are in town, and we--

No no no no no, the Christmas angel.

Oh that.

Oh well, Mister Vilanch wanted it back.

Apparently someone accidentally
threw it in the dumpster,

and it means a lot to him or something,

because he gave me a hard time,

and I took it right over to
his house yesterday morning.

Shit, we need that back.

We gotta go over there,
right now, come on.

Stop.

Are you kids insane?

It is 10:38.

I can't have two of my employees,

going over to my most
esteemed client's house

and disturbing him in the
middle of the frickin' night.

All right, all right, no problem.

I go see Bruce first thing in the morning,

I get the angel back in plenty
of time for the wedding.

Okay, but also, bring donuts,

and make sure they're fresh.

He could tell.

And he also likes the
double nonfat, mocha grande.

And you, go to the back
freezer, grab a steak,

put it on your face.

Get to bed boys.

Kids.

Well you'd better hurry up,

because you haven't got much time,

and we want you on our team.

Bruce, if you're Jewish,

why do you have a magic Christmas
angel in the first place?

If Bette Midler and Barbra Streisand,

two bigger Jews than I,

can put out Christmas CD's,

I can have a Christmas angel.

Besides, the magic menorah
is impossible to find.

Thanks.

Really, I've looked.

I've looked everywhere.

They laughed me out of
Van Cleef and Arpel.

- Good, please, tell
me you have the angel.

Not exactly, but I know where it is.

Just, we've gotta hurry.

I'll explain it all on the way.

Okay, Sarah hand me my tux.

I gotta go un-gay myself.

- You better be back in
time for the wedding.

I will, I promise.

I know, I know.

- It turns out Bruce
Vilanch bought the angel,

and a bunch of other crap
at some school bazaar,

but they sold the angel by mistake,

and they made him give it back.

I just hope we get there in time.

What do you mean, in time?

- Bruce said that the angel
was rumored to be magical,

which of course, he
didn't believe until us.

He also went on to say,

that once the angel is
back on top of the tree,

and in the hands of its rightful owner,

at the school's New
Years Eve holiday show,

which they're rehearsing
for right this second,

all wishes will become irreversible.

Well, shut up and drive, butch.

(tires squealing)

Holy Mother of God, this
is my old Catholic school.

This is where the angel is.

I'm not going in there.

- Hey, do you want to
get married to Sarah,

or do you want to toss guys' salads

for the rest of your life?

Yeah.

(playful orchestral music)

Oh my God.

It's Sister Betty.

Why did it have to be her?

She's the reason I was homophobic.

Okay, the angel, can we get it back?

Yeah, you know what, follow me.

Who are you?

- Well, the Father thought
that we could come by

and help you today.

- Yes, I'm Sister Ann,
and this Sister Tony,

Tony with an I.

Father who?

- Here, let me help you
put that up on the tree.

No, I can manage it myself, thank you.

- But Sister it's a long
way up, and you look weary.

- No, thank you, I've been
doing this myself for 30 years.

No go away, just get out of here.

But we insist.

No, no.

Let go lady.

I wish I was straight.

I wish I were gay.

Little Tony Parisi.

I should have known.

Now, why did you say you
wished you were straight?

There's nothing wrong with being gay.

What are you talking about?

You said it was evil.

You said I was going to hell.

- Well, that was over
20 years ago, my son.

Get with the times.

All right, all right.

Well, it's been really
nice seeing you Sis,

but for the love of God,
we gotta get out of here.

I'm late.

(playful rock music)

Do you Feel any different?

I think so.

I mean, I don't know.

You?

I don't know, I think so.

We'll find out.

(tires squealing)

(playful rock music)

♫ Carefully into hide, the man inside

♫ The child inside the man inside

- [John] Tony, where
the hell have you been?

[Mary] John, watch your mouth.

We're in God's house.

- [John] Ha, what have
you got on your feet?

[Tony] These are my new Pradas.

Cool, huh?

Yeah, food's ready.

Here.

[Brian] Hey, where are the triplets?

They're inside taking a nap.

- We'll get them up when
the newlyweds get here.

All right, speak of the devils.

Here they come now.

Hey.

Hey.

Congratulations guys.

- Thank you, we had to go
all the way to Iowa to do it,

but it was so worth it.

Hey where's the best man?

He should be right behind us.

[Sarah] Hi everyone.

Hey guys.

Hi, you're finally starting to show.

Oh, thank you.

Hey bro, for a minute there

we weren't sure if you had it in you.

Naa, whatever.

Well, I gotta tell you.

Cosmos are pretty good but,

nothing beats a Corona.

Beer me.

What are you doing here?

- Tony and Sarah, this is
my new boyfriend Keith.

- Sorry what happened
that night at the bar.

I was going through a
bit of a rough break up

and I took it out on you.

Apology accepted.

Sarah, nothing really happened.

Thanks, I appreciate that.

It's your loss big guy.

Congratulations gentlemen.

Hey boss.

Wow boss, you look so uh...

- Stylish.
- Yeah.

I do look stylish,

because image is important kids.

You know, especially in this game

where perception is reality.

We're in the big leagues now,

so sometimes you gotta show it off.

And I gotta be honest,

apart from my beautiful,
beautiful fiance here,

good fortune has been my mistress
these last few months and,

you all here have had

a very small piece of making that happen.

Very small.

Hey guys, guys, to happy couples,

to babies,

to family.

To family.

[All] To family.

♫ Just like my style

♫ Just like my life

♫ This'll be the end of watchin'
those pretty ladies come by

- Hey, did any of you see
where Bruce and Laura went?

I don't know.

I finally converted one.

Not really.

I was thinking about Mario
Lopez, the whole time.

Ha, thank you.

(upbeat rock music)

♫ Well your head's down,
you've turned around

♫ Everybody knows what's going down

♫ And you sit there

♫ With your hands tied around your drink

♫ The longer you go the farther you sink

♫ But you sit there waiting
for the world to change

♫ It's your life and you are

♫ So what are you waiting for

♫ Do you want me here for you

♫ What are you waiting for

♫ I think you want me to

♫ Take you by the hand

♫ And show you what to do

♫ What are you waiting for

♫ Another lame excuse

♫ It's not too late

♫ So what are you waiting for

♫ Do you want me here for you

♫ What are you waiting for

♫ Another lame excuse

♫ What are you waiting for

♫ Do you want me here for you

♫ What are you waiting for

♫ I think you want me to

♫ Take you by the hand

♫ And show you what to do

♫ What are you waiting for

♫ Another lame excuse

♫ What are you waiting for

♫ I believe the two of
you were meant to be

♫ In harmony for eternity

♫ No one has the right
to say that this is wrong

♫ Then you don't belong

♫ When the feeling is so strong

♫ Love is the light that leads us

♫ From a distant star

♫ Angels in the heavens
love us just the way we are

♫ I believe we can believe
in all kinds of love

♫ It's the hate I'll never understand

♫ I believe we can believe
in all kinds of love

♫ And we all have the right
to wear a wedding band

♫ In a world that's gone crazy

♫ Where push comes to shove

♫ I believe it's time to believe

♫ In all kinds of love