All language subtitles for Ricardo Quevedo- Tomorrow Will Be Worse

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[in Spanish] My name is Ricardo Quevedo.

Official HQCINEMAS movies site:
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I am 37 years old.

I'm married and a cynic.

I mean, a comic.

Sometimes, things don't go as planned.

They actually always go awry for me,
which explains it all.

But I always give it another try.

I start over and over again.

Been at it for 20 years like a dumbass,

doing everything and anything,

just to make you laugh.

THICK EYEBROWS

If you too are sick
of living at someone else's pace

and of the go-getter attitude,

take a break and watch this show.

It's okay to give up once in a while.

Although, you know what?
What we do isn't worth a damn.

Tomorrow will be worse.

[upbeat music playing]

[audience clapping, cheering]

[clapping, cheering continues]

Good evening.

[cheering]

Well, thank you!

Hello there. Thank you very much.

Thank you so much

for that lovely round of applause,
so moving, spontaneous,

and wholeheartedly.

My name is Ricardo Quevedo

or, as you currently know me,
Liss' husband, no?

[audience laughing]

They call me that too. [chuckles]

In public they say, "He's Liss'
husband, Alejandro Quevedo."

Anyhow…

[chuckles]

It's great you could all make it.

It's also great you're here to watch
your very own nook of comedy, huh?

For you to laugh,
despite the circumstances.

Despite the current
circumstances we live in

and have lived in for so long now,

which are really
testing our patience, right?

We must be patient

because we're always about to lose it,

about to send it all to hell.

Um…

Let's say it's complicated,
but it's what we've got.

From going out, facing traffic.
We go happily.

But as soon as you're on a vehicle,
you get on the defensive

as per the assumption
that everyone is stupid, except you.

That no one knows how to coexist,
except for you.

You do. Everyone's stupid, except you.

So, motorcyclists
get motorists pissed, right?

"Why won't these jerks move?
They're glued to the middle of the lane."

Right? You drive a car,
you'll be cursing bikes.

"These jerks pass by so close to the cars.
I hope it rains on them hard."

Motorists get motorcyclists pissed.

"Is it so hard for these bastards
to let others pass? Glued to other cars."

"You gotta zigzag, such a hazard!"

"I got a bike to cut times,
not be stuck in cars jams."

"I'll chip that dude's rearview mirror".

[audience laughing]

Cyclists are terrified.

"Hope no one honks, or I'll fall and die."
[grunts]

"Hope no one pulls a knife at me
to steal my bike."

"Please help me, God."

Scared shitless.

Rappi guys going in the opposite direction
like, "See you in hell."

[audience laughs]

They don't give a shit.

Those guys want us all dead either way.

Anyway. [laughs]

[clapping]

So…

[chuckles]

Everywhere you look,
everyone's pissed off.

We ought to learn
to be a little patient, right?

We have to learn to be patient,
or we'll go insane.

And well, always clenching
your butt cheeks, right?

Someone driving a car, clenched.
On a bike, clenched.

It says a lot about us Colombians, no?

Clenching to the bitter end.

That's our motto.
During soccer qualifying rounds, clenched.

Before the last game,
"If Peru beats Venezuela, then we can…"

Clenched to the very end.

During elections too.

Rooting for your candidate.
"I hope they win."

They didn't, and we all ate shit, right?

Ass clenched to the end.
Should be in our coat of arms.

It makes us Colombians.

Their "Law and order" shit
doesn't represent us.

If the coat of arms said,
"Ass clenched to the end,"

you'd say, "Yes," right?

[chuckles] You'd say,
"That's my country. That's me." Right?

But we get by, getting used
to this shit-show for so long,

over two years. Before the pandemic,
we were already stuck in Colombia.

If you remember,
before this whole COVID thing,

we were already sheltered in our homes

due to demonstrations, protests.

We were terrified.

That one night,
thieves were supposedly breaking into

all the country's gated communities.

At once!

Remember that stuff?
I haven't managed to top that.

I truly can't top that.

Like a WhatsApp texts chain
started by someone's aunt.

I'm sure of it. Someone's aunt.

"Thieves are breaking into our community."

Everyone shares it,

and every gated community
assumes it's them.

So, neighbors roll up
to their gates with sticks

to defend their community's honor.

[audience laughing]

Nobody ever came.

"They didn't break in
because we're united."

No thieves broke
into any community but still.

My wife said, "Go to the gate too.
They'll think we have no solidarity."

"They'll pull a face on the elevator."

I said, "What for?
I'm sleepy, and I'm no fighter."

[audience laughing]

I'd break the broom to get a stick.

If there's no break-in,
I gotta buy a new one like an idiot? No!

If there are, I can't fight.
They'll take it from me and hit me.

Would you like to take me to the ER
at 3:00 a.m. with a stick up my ass?

Not a good plan, huh?

Then let's just make them coffee, okay?

I roll up with coffee.

"Coffee for you, neighbors." [laughs]

"Happy hunting, have a good one."

I fucked off, went to bed.

I never slept better than that night.

If there was an uneventful night,
it was that one.

With 40 guys watching the place.

[audience laughing]

Only the security guard
had a sleepless night. Ruined.

It must've been crowded there.

"When will these jerks head back?"

But we somehow keep going, huh?

They hit us with such lies
we can't get used to them.

Anyway.

-[clapping]
-[chuckles]

[chuckles]

The first few months were hard.
Being locked up, uncertain…

They'd send their least favorite
family member to the market.

To buy supplies. [chuckles]

That family member
did not attend gatherings.

[audience laughing]

They'd say, "Send him.
We can't send mom, can we?"

Telling him, "You're stronger. Go on."

"You never get sick." And they head out.

The first thing to go was toilet paper.

As always in this country, right?
I don't know why

must toilet paper be the first to go
when in crisis?

I don't get the fear
behind not being able to wipe your ass.

Shouldn't food run out first?

It is what shit is made of.

You got 30 rolls of paper,
"Now what?" [laughs]

"I don't want to poop.
I should've bought a banana."

Risking your life at the market
and being humiliated on top of it?

They didn't let you inside easily.

Anyone else? You come with your bags and,
"Hey! Stay there!"

"Get sanitizer." [imitates spraying]

They douse you in it.

Like, "What going on?" Eyes soaked in it.

"Take your clothes off there.
You got the virus."

Standing there buck naked at the gate.
"What's wrong?"

"Go shower, no touching."

You head off like, "Where is it?"
Blinded by the sanitizer.

And your clothes. "Pick them up."
"No, you. It's infected."

"That shit's infected.
Quick, to the washing machine!"

"Leave it, let the virus die."

"I have it on my hand!" "I touched them!"

"Quick, wash your hands!"

"Nobody goes in there now.
Let the virus die off."

"Leave the bathroom
closed for a month. Let it die."

We didn't know the virus

and did all these absurd,
useless things, not knowing any better.

People went shopping
covered in trash bags.

[audience laughing]

So as to not get infected.

Wearing shoes soaked in sanitizer.

Those awful, damp rugs
they'd put everywhere.

Some cars' wheels
were sprayed with sanitizer.

Then news broke out, "That's useless."
They went, "Oh."

[audience laughing]

"Should've said so sooner,
I bought so much sanitizer."

Some don't believe in vaccines.

They say, "No vaccine for me
because they put a chip in your arm."

"And it disrupts satellite signals.
That's why social media's down."

"Because Facebook's owner
is spying on us all."

Imagine Facebook's owner spying on you.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

"I'm bored to death. Go."

[audience laughing]

"He hopped on the train.
What's he up to now?"

"Let's hope…"

Right, Christ almighty.
But we are spied on.

Ever discuss any topic with friends
or family and get a shitty ad about it?

One says, "Dear God, what's going on?"

So, we're always scared shitless.

Some people get selective
in choosing vaccines.

So, they say…

Having eaten leftovers all their lives.

Yet get very selective.
Saying, "I only get Pfizer."

They choose.

"I'd only get Pfizer.
The others aren't tested."

"I'm not sure. My body is my temple."

"I can't just put anything in it."

Night rolls in,
they're eating pussy. So it goes.

So it goes.

It is what it is. Anyway.

[audience clapping]

[chuckles]

Well then.

With all due respect.

Maybe someone got offended.

Saying, "My God!"

[audience laughing]

"I'm watching this with my mom."

"And this vulgar guy's talking
about these indecent acts."

[chuckles]

People fuck however they please.

Right? [chuckles]

"My God!"

"I don't fuck. I make love.
This is disrespectful." [chuckles]

People who gasp
at the word "fuck", suck at it.

Let's drop it.

Don't let me get distracted,
or I'll start rambling.

We grew tired of it all rather quickly.

It was hard at first,
getting used to all that.

It required a lot of patience too.

With your partner, even more so, right?

Because quarantining was tricky.

We get annoyed by our partner,
which is normal.

Right?

[chuckles]

Couples watching this are like,
"What's this oaf talking about?"

"No way. I love you, darling."

[chuckles]

But, deep inside, they know it.

They wouldn't be your partner
if they didn't annoy you.

Of course,
love is much greater than annoyance.

That's why you keep going.

But the annoyance
is giving you hell every day.

Growing, little by little.

Right? [chuckles]

Things that upset one other
are left unspoken.

But the anger builds up, and we're like…

The shit builds up.

And you imagine ending it
and all the shit following a break-up.

That's normal.

But love's powerful.

It's complex,
and one must be very patient.

The annoyance is manageable as you both
got things to do, daily activities.

So, you go to work,
interact with other people,

share other spaces.

But in those first months of quarantine,
we couldn't.

The fights escalated.

Over nothing. Over every little thing.
We couldn't look at each other.

"Pardon?" "Nothing, I said nothing!"

Ready to break into a fight at any moment.

We ran fresh out of patience.

Couples know what I mean.

Those with a partner,
raise your hand. If any…

Almost everyone here is a couple!

Amazing. I'm so happy.

Those at home raise your hand too.
Don't feel lonely.

It's like… [chuckles]

A man watching this alone goes…

[audience laughing]

Do it, just as well.

Those who are single now,
raise your hands.

A few singles. Very well.

Thank you. Well,
I hope things get better for you soon.

Kidding! I'm just pulling your leg.

Single folks, I'll tell you
something you don't know yet.

On behalf of all married people.
They'd all agree with me.

To single folks,
you don't know you're happy.

[audience laughing]

You think you're not, but you are.
You simply don't know it.

Enjoy it. Seize the moment.

In the words of Diomedes Díaz, "Go fuck!"
Do it while you can.

Enjoy doing it, okay?

You'll regret
not having seized the moment.

Right? [chuckles]

Take advantage.

Right?

Some have partners, some don't.
Those who didn't raise their hand…

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] We got idiots out there.

[audience laughing]

They're out there, see?

"I'm seeing someone, but I'm not sure
it's serious. Should I raise it?"

Others, don't know what's going on.
"Is Suso on tonight at all?"

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

It's also possible
some people don't give a shit.

Raise your hand if you don't give a shit.

Thank you, friend. So kind.

There are some… That's fine.
It's all fine in here. All good.

Raise your hand if you think,
"The show of hands is unnecessary."

"The show could've continued
without it, and it would've been fine."

Okay, we got a few.

Thanks for the feedback.

I welcome the feedback.

Raise your hand
if you think it was relevant.

It was.
"I fucked up by not raising my hand."

"I apologize for my shitty behavior."

"Moreover, I'll take part
in future prompts since I fucked up."

Thank you, my friend. How kind.

Some people own their mistakes. Thanks.

Raise your hand if you think,
"He's done too many of these."

"Please move on. Got an expensive ticket

to see this asshole, and…"
A majority! Thank you.

Some still haven't raised their hand.

[laughing]

[chuckles]

Maybe it's insensitive.
Those with one hand can whistle.

[laughing]

No one? We're good.

Or maybe they're pissed.
That's always possible.

[chuckles] With all due respect.

Then they'll record that bit
and put me on social media.

[audience clapping]

[chuckles]

Thank you.

Ah.

Did you know divorces went up
during the pandemic?

And break-ups too.

If you're still together
after all the shit-show, be grateful.

They're patient around you.

And if things ended during the pandemic,
they can go to hell.

What's not right for you, just toss it.

Move on, dammit.

It's fine.

All couples in the world
had this argument,

at least once.

After dumb questions like, where do you
want to go? What do you want to eat?

Indecision on both ends
generally ends in arguments.

No one wants to be responsible
if things go wrong.

They did once, they gave them hell,

and they said, "I'll never decide again."

[chuckles]

"You choose." "It's your choice".

"I'm good, you?" "I'm good."

They're both hungry and end up pissed off.

And neither of them decides.
To those ladies who don't know it,

as a man, before asking you
what you want to do or eat,

you prepare,

you have to convince yourself.

Talk to yourself.

We talk to ourselves.

We get filled with positivism
and good vibes.

We say, "I will not fight today.
I am not fighting today."

"I'll be patient."

"I'll ask her where she wants to go,
and that's it."

"Forget about me."

"It's irrelevant.
I'm in the mood for meat."

"If she picks a shitty salad place
that she likes."

"Then I'm fucked."

"I'll eat bread."

"I'll eat bread, or fill up on water
until my stomach bursts."

"Or if I go for the homeless diet,
I'll sleep until I forget I'm hungry."

"Tomorrow I'll eat a good breakfast."

"No arguing. Even if she wants to.
It's a good day, be patient."

"No arguing even if she wants to.
If she wants pasta, I don't get it."

"She always wants
that pasta with cheese sauce!"

"I'm lactose intolerant. I get gassy.
I won't get lucky tonight. I'm fucked."

"I'm fucked.
I'll be farting up a storm until 3 a.m."

"That pasta fucked up my night."

"I'll eat bread."

[laughing]

"No arguing."

And so, you show up in good spirits.

"My love, what do you want?
Where do we eat?"

She says, "Not sure, you?"

Because she went
through the exact same process.

She had the same inner monologue
before you got there.

Saying, "He always asks what I want
and never fucking likes what I pick."

"So, why even ask me?"

"Let him choose. He wants to eat meat.
Meat, every goddamn day."

"It slows his digestion.
He won't shit for three days."

"Whining, 'I'm bloated,
must've been the lettuce.'"

"The lettuce?
That meat you eat every day!"

"I give him papayas
to see if it helps him pass it."

"No way. Let him choose."

"I'm intermittent fasting.
There are salads everywhere. Who cares."

"What do you want?" [chuckles]

"I'm doing this for you, dear."

"Why don't you pick something you want?"

[chuckles]
"We're not fighting over this, right?"

[audience laughing]

"Let's not fight over this."

"There's time for…" [chuckles]

"Pick something. Let's play a game.
We eat the first thing you think of."

"What do you want? Go!"
"Let me think. Pasta."

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

"Yikes."

"Pasta?"

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

"I just have to go
and make up these shitty games."

[laughing]

"Of all things, huh? Pasta?"

"All right, let's eat pasta. Yummy."

You can't wage that war.
"Fine, let's eat pasta."

"Let me get Alka-Seltzer or something."

Saying, "Let's drop it.
I don't want pasta but fine."

So far so good.

The problem is women are proactive.

So on the way to the pasta place,

they'll offer a variety of options

that are not pasta

just in case.

[audience laughing]

We already said pasta, dammit.

[audience laughing]

But no. [chuckles]

She stops the car on the way there
and says,

"They sell these yummy arepas
around the corner, babe."

"To die for. Any topping you like.
Shredded chicken, meat,

any sauce you like with avocado.
Unbelievably good. Around the corner."

I say, "But darling, do you want
the arepas or the pasta?"

"It was just in case we wanted."

[audience laughing]

"We wanted the pasta. Let's get pasta."

Once there, "They sell some
sandwiches around the corner."

"They're to die for, dear.
With meatballs, special sauce."

"Anything on bread toast.
Just over there."

"But, dear, do you want pasta,
sandwiches, or arepas?"

"What would you like?"
"I don't know, you?"

[audience laughing]

"I want fucking anything."

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

"I want joy for a single day
of my fucking life, is that doable?"

[chuckles]

"Don't be rude."

"I'm trying to have a nice
goddamn gesture for you, dear."

"Why the indecisiveness?"

"Arepas, sandwiches, pasta. Which is it?"

"We said pasta. I didn't even want pasta."

"What the hell do you want to eat?
Make up your mind."

"I don't want shit anymore."

[audience laughing]

"I want to go home.
Your rudeness made me lose my appetite."

[audience laughing, clapping]

Both go home all pissed off.

It's a long commute, huh?

Because you're both silent,
running red lights,

so mad that you're no longer
hungry. You're pissed off.

No one speaks because any noise
could be a sign of aggression.

That makes it worse. You can't
clear your throat without a fight.

Like… [clears throat]
"Oh, say it to my fucking face!"

[audience laughing]

Better stay quiet, my man.

Any little thing can start a fight.

How do you end that argument?

One of them apologizes, right?
Whoever made things worse.

In this case, the man,
he lashed out and cussed.

One apologizes.

A tip. If apologizing to someone,
do it when the anger leaves your body.

Because if one is still upset,
that just ends in another argument.

We're fools.
Apologies get loaded with thorns.

We drop irony, a hint,
just to fuck with each other.

Yet they notice and get pissed.

So one gets all sardonic.
"Honey, I'm sorry. I apologize."

"It's my fault like always."

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

"My fault like always because

you're perfect, flawless,
you make no mistakes."

"And I'm an oaf that always fucks up."

"From the moment he wakes up,
the oaf screws up."

"All right. Apologies, Your Majesty."

[audience laughing]

"Because I can own up to my mistakes,
unlike certain people of royalty."

"Hmm?"

"Okay, next time we'll eat
arepas, sandwiches, and pasta."

"All at once."

"Let's go on a food tour
for Your Majesty."

"Sound good?" [chuckles]

"Why do you talk to me like I'm dumb?"
They continue arguing.

First off, a solution for the gents.
It's easy.

Each time you propose
what to do or where to go,

repeat these four steps.

Remember that.
Four steps that are always the same.

First, ask what they want to do.
Second, get angry.

Third, apologize.

Fourth, go to bed hungry and pissed.

Okay?

[audience laughing]

Reverse each step's order.

Rehearse it in a different order,
tell me how it goes.

Next time you're down to do something,

first off, get pissed off,

apologize, get the hell out
and go get food. Okay?

Practice that and let me know.

When she asks where to go,
or what you want,

get suddenly pissed, dude.

But for no reason at all.

Just overdo it.
"I don't want to eat shit!" And storm out.

She'll be, like…

It has to be an unexpected,
explosive reaction.

For no reason.

"I don't want to eat shit,
shut up about food." Leave.

She'll be shocked. You're not that rude.

"What did I say? What's with him?"

[laughing]

You must get back quick too.

If you give her time to think,
she'll get pissed, and it's over.

This is very perilous, okay?

It's important to do it quickly.

"I won't eat shit."
Walk out for five seconds.

If she gets pissed,
go back and apologize quick.

Two easy steps in 30 seconds.

"I don't want to eat shit."
Then count one, two, three, four, five.

Go back and apologize.
"What just happened? Did I…?"

[laughing]

"Lapse of judgment. Forgive me, my love."

"No, no, no, no, you don't deserve that."

Overdo it.

"You don't deserve this, dear.
You're my boo. I love you. No, no."

"Shit, I screwed up, sorry.
I spat on what we have."

"Dear God, on everything we hold sacred."

"Forgive me, babe."

[grunts]

"Stress from bills and work
got into my head."

"And I took it out on you.
Sorry. Know that I love you."

"You're my boo.
Can you find forgiveness in your heart

for this undeserving, despicable man?"

She'll be like…

"Okay."

Now that she's confused,
tell her what you want to eat.

"Should we go eat meat?"

[audience laughing]

She'll be like…

"What?"

[chuckles] Right there.

She won't say shit on the way there,
guaranteed.

She'll think, "Poor thing."

"He's under very high levels of stress.
I hope he likes the meat. He earned it."

[audience laughing]

Piece of cake, man.

Just get creative.
The trick is to get creative.

Okay?

[chuckles]

For women, it's way simpler.

I'll let you in on a well-kept secret.
We never wake up happily.

Guys watching this know what I mean.

We never say, "What a beautiful day.
I'll give it my all." No.

One always wakes up kind of worried,

with a gut-wrenching feeling
that something's wrong or overlooked,

that you screwed up
an unknown thing. Hmm?

All women have to do is simple,
come up with a problem. Anything.

They'll think it's their fault,
and believe it even if there's no problem.

All you need to do is imply
there's a solution to this issue.

Make it seem like it's their idea.

That it's their idea. That's it.

Look at him warily, from afar…

[audience laughing]

Just like that, he goes crazy.
"I screwed up. What now?"

"I'm such an ass, dude. See?"

"One screw up after another."

They'll wonder,
"But I just woke up. What…?"

"What could I have done?"

"In my sleep? No."

Then you ask,
"What's up, everything okay?"

All you have to do now
is make up a name. Any name.

Any will do for the intended purpose.

"Who is Catalina?"

You may not know a Catalina.

Still, you'll feel like you,
somehow, fucked up with Catalina.

Like they're pointing fingers at you.

Caught, despite not knowing her.

"Shit, I screwed up. Again."

"I'm such a wuss, man.
Fuck's sake. Always messing up."

"Why did I mess with that girl?
But Catalina doesn't ring a bell."

"Do you remember?
No, we've been behaving. I don't…"

"Catalina, no… but if she says so,
I did mess up. I'm an ass."

"I don't know, babe. Why?" Keep it going.

"You know why."

[audience laughing]

You're like, "I do know.
How dumb of me to ask."

"Oh God!" And just as he's about
to pass out from concern,

drop a hint, "I'm hungry."
And like that, he's on the case.

"Want to get pasta? You love pasta."

"On me. Let's get some arepas
on the way home for later."

The name of the game is patience.
We're all different.

There's usually someone messier
in a relationship.

Raise your hand if you're messy.

They get me.

I'm the messy one in my relationship.

Apologies on behalf of us
to those who are all tidy.

We know it's hell
to live with someone who is messy.

We apologize, okay?
It's our fault. As usual.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

But watch out.

Nothing pisses of messy people
like having our mess sorted out.

Don't you dare attempt it,
or you'll have a problem.

It may seem messy at first,

but one knows where everything is.
If their mess is disrupted, they're lost.

They get upset, riled up.

They play devil's advocate.

They may have a spoon
with arequipe under the bed.

We can agree that shit's disgusting.

But if you come in
and pick up their spoon,

they'll think something's wrong
with the room.

"Where's my arequipe spoon?"

"My arequipe spoon is not under the bed.
Now I can't eat it."

"Why can't I find
the spoon I like for it?"

They exaggerate.
Try to justify what's unjustifiable.

"I took it. It was riddled with ants."

"They're my friends, okay?"

"They eat arequipe with me.
Why don't you people ask me?"

Be patient, they're exaggerating.
We all have favorite clothes, no?

Generally for women,
it's a blouse, a nice outfit,

some pants, those clothes
you wear that make you feel confident.

Those you wear on special occasions.

It's easier for men. A t-shirt.
"This t-shirt's perfect."

"Perfect for a special occasion."

They want to wear it
to any special occasion.

You go get your, let's say, striped shirt.

You go to your closet
to look for your striped shirt,

and it's missing.

You lose your shit.

Couples know what I'm talking about.

Your first instinct isn't thinking,
"Where's my shirt? What did I do to it?"

"Did I wear it lately?"
No. First, you'll think someone took it.

"They always take my stuff without asking
and move it elsewhere."

Just like that, filled with rage,
they ask their partner.

"Where's my striped shirt?"

She only makes it worse saying,
"Where you left it."

[audience laughing]

That's a shitty answer.
Would it kill you to help out?

Say, "I don't know, hon. There's two…"
"Where you left it."

Like saying, "Looking for trouble?"

[audience laughing]

They tone it down,
"It's not where I left it, babe."

"Or I wouldn't be asking you."

"Did you check the hamper?"
"It wasn't there."

Then, "How can I go check
without her noticing?"

[laughing]

He's already stirring up shit
without having checked first.

He plays dumb, starts looking.

"They always lose my stuff,
always moving it."

"I can't have nice things.
They always get lost. I looked twice."

"It's not there."

"Well, with your pig pen everywhere…"

"Did you look under the bed
next to your arequipe spoon?"

"Maybe there."

They're sardonic, dude.

"My pig pen doesn't affect you, does it?"

Another argument.

Again, whoever ends the conflict quickly
just moves on.

Whoever didn't throw a tantrum
ends alone in their room.

You argue, exaggerate.

You fill up your mind
with horrible thoughts.

You argue with yourself. "But I don't…"

"No, no way."

"I'd never…'

"I just…"

"I just don't get

what's so fucking hard

about respecting others' belongings."

"It's a basic principle, man."

"This isn't mine. Best leave it."

"There. Easy."

"Not mine. I'll leave it."

"It's a simple matter of respect, man."

"This is mine, I take it,
I wear it, wipe my ass with it."

"It's mine!
I can do whatever I want with it."

"Not mine. I'll leave it."

"It's easy."

"But my things always go missing
in this house,

because here, I'm not worth a damn."

"Not worth a damn. If I went missing,
they'd sooner find the shirt."

"Her stuff is over there, ironed,
sorted by color, smelling great."

"But my stuff, missing."

"Now she doesn't even remember the shirt.
Not a clue."

"It's a figment of my imagination."

"It never existed.
I wore it 500 times around her."

"And still no clue.
I must've been buck naked."

"Out on the street, naked,
thinking I wore a shirt."

Time can fly when you're pissed off,
fighting with yourself.

You have to pay attention
to these things and be patient

because relationships end
over petty nothing's and fights.

I broke up years ago over such a thing.

She stole my food.

I don't like having my food stolen.

Two kinds of people,
those who share, those who don't.

I'm the latter.

We're fucking crazy. I know. I get it.

But we're not selfish.

Because we ask,
"Do you want some extra food for you?"

And they say no!

But get hungry when they see you eat!

[audience laughing]

If she takes one of my French fries,
it's fucking over.

I know it seems extreme,
but those fries were…

not just any fries,
they were amazing fries,

with cheddar cheese on top,
with paprika, tortillas, and bacon.

Delicious.

I said, "These fries are great,
want an order?"

"No, just some water."

"Perfect, you get water,
and I'll happily get fries."

The food gets here, and she puts
one in her mouth. I was in shock!

[audience laughing]

"Did you just…? Why…?"

"Hungry? Do I buy you some for you?"

"I just wanted one."
"But those were mine."

"I ordered these many fries.
Now I don't have them."

"It won't fill me up."

"Calm down, it's just one fry."

"Yes, but you took the tastiest one."

"The best one, with the most cheese."

"The food arrived, and I said,
'I want to start with that one.'"

"Now I don't know where to start.
You fucked me. I lost my appetite."

"Don't be rude."
"I'm only rude for enabling a thief

and not saying anything."

Anger makes you say many stupid things.

We have to be patient.

Couples need to be patient.
With their families too.

And with kids,
you need a lot of patience too.

Raise your hand if you have kids.
Don't deny them.

A few of you. All right.

You need patience with your kids.
I got two of them.

You know what changed
from our generation to theirs?

We actually care about being good parents.

Our parents never gave a shit.

They were inattentive,
busy, had things to do.

They lived under the principle of,
"Let him learn by himself." Hmm?

To wash their hands clean and not worry.

"You're going up there? Careful.
You fell? That'll teach you."

[audience laughing]

Broken limb with a cast for three months.

Dad, telling the family,
"Look what this idiot did."

[audience laughing]

We grew up the hard way, no?
Learning from our bruises.

Now parents overdo it. They say,

"How can I talk to my kid and teach him?"

The psychologist said
that they need an authority figure,

but to also talk on their level,
no secrets,

so he can trust me
and encourage trust between us.

How do I teach him to multiply
without traumatizing him?

[audience laughing]

We learned multiplication
out of fear, didn't we?

We're still scared.
You ask someone, "What's six times eight?"

-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]

The reflex is still there.

"Forty-eight."

Let's go further back.
How did they teach our parents?

Grandpa gets home from work tired,
dad doing homework.

Grandpa says, "It's easy."

"Two times four?" Bam! Belt on the table.

[laughing]

No?

Dad says, "Eight."
"So, I won't hit you this time."

"On to the next one."

Yes, perfect.

They were methods. Not the best,
but methods of the time.

Maybe we didn't get that,

but for example, for me,
my dad destroyed our trust

by comparing us to him. Right?

Dads back then would compare us to them.

Not very supportive, besides,
and always angry about something.

They'd expect far too much from a kid.

Dad said, "You don't know multiplication?"

"I could divide at your age."

"You're just
a slower learner than others."

"We need an X-ray to check
if everything's okay in that head."

"It's not normal."

Fear starts creeping up on the kid,
"Shit, I have a tumor."

"I may have a tumor,
that's why I can't learn well."

"Nothing sticks during class,
and I'm always sleepy."

"Yes, it's a tumor."

[chuckles]
They'd argue with mom in front of you.

"How come he can't multiply? At his age?"

"How much is school again?
No more. It's a waste of money."

"It's useless if I have to teach him."

"Why go to school?
I'll happily teach him."

"I'll teach you and keep an eye on you."

"You'll be dividing and multiplying
in two weeks. Hmm?"

"If I quit my job, we'll eat scraps.
I'm the only one who works."

[chuckles] We as little kids, "Dear God,
I don't want to make us eat scraps."

Burning it into their memory.

[clapping]

"I don't want to make us eat scraps."

"I must learn to multiply,
despite my tumor."

So, you worked hard, right?

Parents dumped info on you,
no explanation, to make sense of it.

"How can you not multiply?
It's easy. Let's pick one."

"Two times four? Two times four is eight."

"It's that easy! Math is precise."

"Two times four isn't six or nine."

"Right, you dope? Two times four…
is eight! Got it?"

"Practice on another one.
Six times eight."

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] You count your fingers.

They wouldn't give you time to think.
"Six times eight!"

"I'm telling you, six times eight."

I'd say anything to be left alone.
"Sixty."

My dad, "This one's dumber than the rest."

"We were drunk
when we conceived him, right?"

"No, we're wasting money.
You're beyond repair."

"We get him out of school tomorrow."

"We call Uncle Alberto,
and you'll bag groceries at Corabastos."

"You'll only be good for work,"
they'd threaten you.

And you believed it!
I took that to bed with me.

In a nightmare,
I'm carrying groceries in Corabastos.

Uncle Albert with a stick,
"Six times eight?" "I don't know!"

"I have a tumor."

Some things changed for the better.

Kids these days have a social,
environmental conscience.

They care about animals.

They adopt dogs, rescue cats.

I think it's great.

When we were kids, we didn't give a shit
about animals, right?

They sold dyed chickens at school.

At the entrance.

Anyone here got a dyed baby chick?

"Mom, buy me a chick."
"How much is that shit?" "200 pesos."

You'd take it in your hand.

The chick in agony, held in your grip.

[audience laughing]

Those chicks died
in such tragic ways, didn't they?

Some kids would sleep with them.
"I cuddle my chicken."

One day it goes missing,
and you don't give a shit.

"It went off to be happy elsewhere."

Three days later, it shows up
under the covers, all fucked up.

They'd suffocate. What a sin.

Poor things.

-[audience clapping]
-Right?

[chuckles]

Things really changed.
We all grew up differently.

I grew up very differently
from all of you.

I did third, fourth, and fifth grade
in a girl's classroom.

I was the only guy there.

When you're the only guy
in an all-girl classroom,

you become one of them, like it or not.

The principal, during line-ups, would say,
"Say hi to the girls in fourth grade."

The entire school looked at me. I waved.
I didn't want to be a rude girl.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] In those line-ups…
They started raising the flag,

which schools did at the time,
in the largest yard.

Everyone in a line,
each course, each classroom.

On foot, under the sun,

wasting all morning there, not learning.

Principal said, "To the left."

"To the left."

"To the left."

"To the left."

"Move apart."

[audience laughing]

"Swear an oath to the flag,
four movements. One, two."

"Under God, I swear
loyalty to my flag and nation, Colombia…"

So much shit to repeat, you'd forget.

"…indivisible… one nation,
so help me God. Three, four."

[audience laughing]

"To the left."

"To the left."

"To the left."

"To the left."

"Move apart."

[audience laughing]

"National anthem."

[mouthing]

"To the left."

"To the left."

"To the left."

"To the left."

"Move apart."

Standing there, the sun on your face.

Dehydrated, no?

Becoming homicidal from a young age, no?

You wonder how to burn the school down
with everyone inside.

You start going crazy.

About to pass out when,
"An announcement from the principal."

"God dammit!"

[audience laughing]

I'd spend time alone,
the girls never talked to me.

They'd mock me.
"Look at that ugly girl with short hair."

Until one day, a girl came by

and told me I had to play their games
to be with them.

She taught me patty mesú,
a game that surely only girls knew.

For men that don't know,

it's a game that us,
elementary school girls, loved,

played with your hands. Here.

♪ I hop, I hop ♪

♪ I hop on my bed
Toss my suitcase, break a bottle ♪

♪ My mom hits me, I hit her ♪

♪ I go up the fifth floor
And play a record that says ♪

♪ Michael Jackson ♪

Most of you remember, right?

We played that. It was wonderful.

[audience clapping]

Remember?

An even cooler one
was played with both hands.

♪ You, you with me since childhood ♪

♪ With Pepsi, Pepsi and Coke, Coke ♪

♪ With Pepsi-Cola ♪

[laughing]

Those games fucking ruled.

My favorite one was choreographed.
You get on the floor…

♪ Little angel, falls from heaven ♪

♪ And a ceiling flower, a flower! ♪

♪ A rose, from the flower
From the flower, a clove. A clove! ♪

♪ From the clove, a girl named Isabel
Isabel! ♪

♪ Isabel is my name… ♪

That was a fucking banger, long too.

Let's just say
I didn't have the most normal year.

Picture all the schoolboys playing soccer.

Two kids, "We need one more on our team.
And that guy?"

I was like, "My name is Isabel."

[audience laughing]

They moved me to another classroom
in fifth grade,

since that's when you start
liking other people, right?

That innocent part of life.

Girls in my classroom loved to lie down
in this big field during break

so that the schoolboys would see.

One day, we were all lying there.

[audience laughing]

The principal said,
"Time to move this dude to another class."

He put me in a male classroom.
Alone again. They couldn't play mesú.

I was already used to…

I was always out of place in my school.

During holidays too.
Halloween, for example.

Kids these days have such cool costumes,

all made to fit,
rippling muscles, inexpensive too.

Avengers, Black Panther, Iron Man,

Captain America, Thor.

The girls too. Wonder Woman, Wanda,

Black Widow, all the princesses.

We only got costumes
that our parents could afford.

We had no money.

Girls would dress up as Romany girls.
If you dressed as a Romany,

it's because your family
was in a difficult financial situation

at the time. [chuckles]

The Romany costume was the cheapest.

"No cash, Romany time."

I was dressed as one, I'd know.

My two sisters dressed as Romanyes.
"Cute, go get candy."

One was happy,
eating candy was all that mattered.

Creativity arises during times of need.
I got invited to a costume party once.

I couldn't afford a costume.
I said, "What do I do?"

I didn't go as a Romany girl. [chuckles]

"What do I do?"

I bought a bag of milk.
I had some in my mouth.

Milk inside my mouth.

A friend, "What's your costume?"
[puffs] "A blackhead."

[audience laughing]

I know. I know.

I know I'm gross.

But it was cheap.

Right? If you have no money,

you can use this idea for next Halloween.

Point is, we grew up like that, okay?

Without the conveniences
kids have these days.

We had no internet,

that's why our phone
is like an extension of our body.

We treasure it
because we didn't have it as kids.

And that's why
we're glued to our phones all day.

We use it in places where we shouldn't.

In theaters, banks, for instance,
which I don't agree with

because, in a bank, you're not
allowed for security concerns, right?

But what really keeps you entertained
is your phone.

And they take so long to get to you.

Nor is there a TV to distract you,

no magazines to read.

You don't trust folks there to chat.

Going to a bank is a punishment.

"Sit there thinking about your finances
while you wait."

Sitting there, all ashamed. Right?

One gets bored and gets their phone.

Who cares.

"Fuck's sake…"

You try to look serious

so they think it's important.

But you're looking at stupid memes.

You laugh sternly. [chuckles]

"Yeah." The guard comes
and makes you put it away.

"Please put the phone away.
It's for security reasons. Be mindful."

"Yes, sir."

And so starts that game
we all play with the guard.

"I'll play dumb. When he looks away,
I'll check my phone and put it away."

[chuckles]

The guard also goes, "I'll play dumb."

"He'll take it out again.
Every day with this shit."

"I can't use mine. I'm bored.
I'll mess with him."

So you're there, playing dumb.

One learns to write without looking,

which is useless
because of the autocorrect

that embarrasses you.
One time, a friend wrote: "Hey, papi."

Corrected as, "Hey, parasite."

I blocked her. We ended on bad terms.

Or you get sent
one of those moaning videos.

We all fell for it once, right?

The worst timing. In a bank of all places.

You have the full volume on.

A title with a misleading image

to bait you into opening the video.

"James Rodríguez
on rejoining Real Madrid."

"Will he get back on the team?"

[moaning]

"No! No! No!"

[moaning]

"What's going on? It's muted."

[moaning]

"It's not porn. It's James."

[moaning]

"It's not what you…"

[moaning]

Guard says: "Put it away.
Stop watching porn. There are kids here!"

"It's not porn, it's a video…
This shit's busted."

Then your dumbass face, like…

[chuckling]

"Right, they got me."

[chuckling]

"James, back in Real Madrid, yes."

[chuckles]

The shame is short-lived.
You take out your phone again.

I don't know why.
One time, I turned around,

and the guard was gone.
From behind, "Put it away!"

I got so scared I almost hit him.

Instead of owning up your mistake, denial.

Not owning up to it
and exaggerating again.

"I'm not using it."
"Why is it in your hand?"

"Because I want it there.
Some control freak."

"You'll just hold it?
You can put it in a locker."

"No sir, let me just hold it.
What a control freak."

You put it away, and keep arguing,
"Fine, I won't take it out."

"Let it rot!
I'll never use it again in my life."

"Let it rot,
I'll get gangrene and lose a leg."

"Who made me lose my leg? The guard."

"I won't use it, then. Got it."

"Okay. But this rule
not only applies to me, right?"

"The guard can't use it either,

nor can the employees,
bankers, that lady, nobody."

"If they rob the bank,
we're all fucking dying."

"No one can call the police,
can't take out your phone."

"Who'd die first?
Who killed us? The guard."

"The guard. We'll see who dies first."
Pissed.

We're always connected,
that's why we need phones.

Our most important tool is the internet.

Home internet, above all.

Some say, "Electricity's more important."
No electricity, no internet.

If the power's out, you don't get
as pissed as with the Internet.

Internet fails, and we're angrier.

Power goes out, and you even have fun
because when the lights go out,

you can hear all your neighbors going,

"Aw!" Right?

When the lights go out,
the neighborhood goes, "Aw!"

In your own home,
from inside the kitchen: "Aw!"

They run to the room, "Power's out."

[audience laughing]

I say "I know, I was watching TV.
Let's see what happened."

When the Internet's out,

one's rabid fury
goes from 0 to 100 in no time.

Lots of fury, right?

You start thinking,
"I pay for a service I'm not getting."

"I'm being played for a fool,
always billed on time."

"They must be mocking me." And so on.

We avoid calling customer service
due to bad experiences we've all had.

They either don't respond,
or get you pissed at a stranger,

or they hang up,
or you get bad service. It's rough.

So, with a lack of technical know-how,
one tries to manually repair the signal.

Go look at the modem.

Some threaten the modem.
"So, this isn't going to work."

"This shit won't work."

[audience laughing]

"Did I damage it?"

No? [chuckles]

"Let's unplug it."

"There." One loses patience, plugs it
back in. Each light is turning back on.

One of them flickers and turns off.

You have no idea
if it was like that before.

It's not working.
"Oh God, time to make a call."

Before even calling, you ruminate.

"They'll hear me,
those abusive sons of bitches."

"Surely laughing their asses off at me."

"We disconnect that asshole
who pays on time, whenever we want."

"He never complains…"
"I'll be here all day."

"Doesn't matter what it takes,
even if I have to quit my job."

"Until they answer
and restore my service."

Arguing at the wall.

You're mad,
and you get an upbeat recording.

"We are proud to serve you. Stay on
the line, and we'll get to you shortly."

"They're proud to serve me?
Bunch of lying bastards."

"Absolutely shameless too."

"Who likes receiving complaints? Sickos!"

You get a menu.
"For special services, press one."

"For cable TV, press two.
For mobile internet, press three."

"For home internet, press four."

"If you're a frequent client, press five.
If you're…"

Is anyone else bored to death
listening to the menu?

Your mind wanders,
thinking of wonderful imaginary worlds.

You snap back to the menu,
and the options are gone.

You're just like…

[laughing]

"I'll call again."

[laughing]

I'll call again, and now I'll complain
about their shitty menu too

meant to confuse,
make you hang up, dodge complaints."

"But I'm staying."

"This is Maritza, how can I help you?"

You know it's not her fault.
You're mad, but you want to be fair.

You try to breathe, to relax.
Your forehead veins bulging.

Face all red, with tachycardia.

But try to breathe. [inhales, exhales]

"Maritza."

[audience laughing]

"How are you?"

"I'm calling about an inconvenience."

[chuckles]

"Yes. Otherwise…" [chuckles]

"I wouldn't be calling, right, Maritza?"

[chuckles]

"I'm calling to see if you can help
by finding in your system

what the fuck is…
what's going on, Maritza. Sorry."

"Restore the service as soon as possible

so I can continue on with my damn life
and watch Netflix's Ugly Betty in peace."

[laughing]

"Thanks, Marit…"

"Maritza?"

[audience laughing]

"Full name, please." Didn't give a shit
about what you just said.

They follow a protocol.
The first step is to get your name,

or they can't help you.

"Néstor Ricardo Quevedo Madrid."

I'm thinking, "At least call me Ricardo."

"Don Néstor."

[laughing]

"Yes, Maritza?"

"It must be a mistake.
I see it's working fine, Don Néstor."

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] "No. No."

"No, Maritza, no. There's no mistake.
I'm not a jackass."

"I know when things work,
and when they don't, Maritza."

[chuckling]

"I'm not a fucking ape."

[laughing]

"Let's try that again, Maritza."

"I have no internet." "Can you confirm?
The signal is sometimes weak."

"I have no internet! I have no internet!"

"No internet?
We're offering a new home package

with mobile internet at a discount."

"For God's sake, Maritza, focus."

"I mean, I do have internet,

but the one I have doesn't work, Maritza."

"I'm at the end of my rope, Maritza.
See, I don't…"

"No, I don't deserve this shit, Maritza.
No way. No way. No way."

"I get you're busy, or you don't give
a shit about my problem."

"Give me information
on how to manually restore the service."

"And I'll fuck off."

"You can download that from our web page."

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

"Wow, Maritza!"

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

"One question, Maritza, all due respect."

"I feel we've bonded over the course
of this call, Maritza."

"How the fuck should I download
info off a web page without internet?"

"Am I a wizard, Maritza?" [chuckles]

"Do I have a magic wand, Maritza?"

"I know what I'll do, Maritza."

"I'll get a magic cable from my ass,
plug it into my modem,

and have
unlimited internet forever, Maritza."

"Is that coming? Will my magic ass
get me 500-megabyte internet?"

[audience laughing]

"Don't play with me, Maritza."

"I hear laughing, Maritza."

"You're mocking me."

"My chest is hurting,
and my left arm is going numb."

"I hold you responsible
for any health issues,

heart attacks.
I'm recording. Maritza killed me!"

"Her incompetence killed me!"

[sniffs] "Maritza, I don't…"

[laughing]

"I need technical support,
and you're not helping."

"This is not technical support.
I'll transfer you." "No!"

You get put on hold.

We need to be patient.

We're fucked.
So many things happen every day.

Once, a girl told me, after a show,

"Thanks so much. I needed a laugh.
These days haven't been easy."

"I've been depressed for some weeks,
sad for months."

"It all began in nineteen-ninety…"
The full story.

She told me
she had even considered suicide.

She's saying that to me.
I'm not positive or encouraging.

I'm awful at giving advice.

I think one of our main problems
is there's too many of us.

"I can't be so brash and irresponsible."

"I can't give useless advice or whatever."

"Make her laugh, that I can do." I said,
"I tried killing myself many times."

"Really?" "Yes, I was fed up with myself."

"So, what do I do?
It should be a stylish death."

"If it gets to the gossip press,
I'd be discredited."

"With those shitty headlines.
'Comedy: a dying art.' Me on the cover."

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

"If someone's bad luck makes them
attempt suicide, it'll make them fail."

"How come?" "That's how bad luck works."

"It messes people's goals."

"If someone's bad luck makes them
attempt suicide, it'll botch it."

"You'll screw it up. I thought
that if I buy a gun and shoot myself,

I'm so unlucky
I'll make it with a broken jaw."

"If I try to hang myself,
I'll get a vegetative life."

"If I try poison,
some organ will be ruined,

and I'll get a speech disability,
like this."

"If I try drowning,
a good Samaritan will save me,

not knowing any better,
with no respect for death."

"So I decided to do them all at once."
"How?"

"I bought a gun, a rope, poison,
and got to a cliff by the ocean."

"Before jumping, I said a prayer.
People get inconsistent."

"'Dear God, may it all go smoothly.'"

"I jumped. I'm so unlucky, it turned out

the force of the rope on my neck
made my body sway as I waited,

made me fire my gun and shoot the rope."

"Swallowed seawater, threw up the poison."

[audience laughing]

She was like,

"You're crazy." "Yet alive," I say.

[chuckles]

I should enjoy it while it lasts,
however long.

And I loved enjoying it with you tonight.

Thank you so much for smiling.

Thanks for the applause, the good vibes.

Thank you. You're so kind.

Thank you, so kind. Thank you.

[cheering, clapping]

Thank you. See you, ciao.

Take care. Thank you. Ciao.

[chuckles]

Ciao.

[cheering, clapping]

[chuckling]

Thanks a bunch, ciao!

[cheering, clapping]

[upbeat music playing]