All language subtitles for A.P.BIO.S02E09.WEBRip.x264-ION10

.

- And of course the swastikas

that were on
the latest newsletter

were supposed
to have been octopuses.

I am a very bad artist,
and I apologize to any student

I may have offended.

And--and finally,
our sinks are not urinals,

and our urinals
are not sinks.

And that's the last time
I'm gonna say that.

So, uh, our speaker today
taught at Harvard

and very soon hopefully
will be doing a TED Talk.

So we are all very lucky
to be the audience

for his audition tape.

Please welcome Jack Griffin.

[applause]

- Shake.

Thank you, Ralph.

Uh, yes, you are all
very lucky to be here, okay?

If I get this TED Talk gig,

it could catapult my upcoming
book to the best-seller list.

Okay, so, congratulations.
You knew me when.

[chuckles]

All right, roll cameras.

[orchestral music]

Hi, everybody. Hi.
Oh, stop. Please. Thank you.

Um, so my name is
Dr. Jack Griffin

and this is
my presentation entitled,

"The Pursuit of Happiness
Through Societal Regression."

Now people often ask me,
Doctor--

[thud]
Whoops.

[crowd laughs]

So, uh, uh,
people will often ask me,

you know, Doctor--

whoopsie.
[thud]

[crowd groans]

- [groaning]

- Oh, my God, Jack! Jack!

- Oh, my God--[groans]
- You okay?

- Ralph, Ralph, you gotta
get me out of here, man.

I'm really hurt.
- Okay, okay, okay.

Madison.
Madison, come here.

- Oh, God! Oh, Ralph!

[groaning]
- Okay, we got him.

We got you, it's okay.

Here we go.

- Oh, God, Ralph,
I'm really hurt.

- Ooh, gosh.
- God, I'm really hurt.

[panting]
Oh, I'm really hurt.

Ow, oh, oh, oh!
[groaning]

- It's okay.
- Oh, God. Ralph.

Oh, God. Hold my thigh.
It's my thigh.

Oh, God. Oh!
I really cranked it, Ralph.

No, no, no, don't touch it!
I cranked my thigh, Ralph!

- I'm just trying to help.

- Oh, but everything you're
doing is making it worse.

Oh, I think there's, like,
a loose bone or something

and my butt is--is--oh, God,
I think I smashed my butt.

Oh, my smashed butt.
Oh, my smashed butt.

Ohh, it's so smashed!

- ♪ Next time,
I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time,
well, I'll be smart ♪

♪

[indistinct chatter]

- Oh, my God,
dude was like, "Whoa!"

[laughter]

[indistinct talking, giggling]

- "I'm wearing a suit."

- Whoopsie,
whoopsie, whoopsie.

Happy Monday, ladies.

- Jack, you're on WorldStar.

- What is WorldStar?

Are you guys watching
a video of me falling?

- Mm-hmm.
- That's not funny.

- It's pretty funny, especially
'cause you go, "Doctor whoops."

both: Doctor Whoopsie!

[laughing]

- Like, who actually says
whoopsie when they fall?

- Right?

- Good morning,
Mary, Stef, Michelle,

Dr. Whoopsie.

[laughing]
- Hey!

- Yeah.

- Are you okay?
- Well, finally somebody asks.

- Actually,
I'm--I'm doing okay.

Yeah, a little sore
but nothing's broken.

- That's good.
- Yeah.

- I thought you were going to
have that smashed butt surgery.

- [laughs] Yeah.

- Did you guys hear
the Smashed Butt remix?

[imitating remix]

- ♪ Ow it's so smashed,
ow my smashed butt ♪

- Everyone, terrible news.

The Daddy's back.

- I'm sorry, what? The Daddy?
- The Sugar Daddy.

Jack, this is Whitlock's
greatest mystery.

- Every few months, hundreds
of Sugar Daddy wrappers

mysteriously appear
around the school.

This is the work
of a real sick puppy.

- Perhaps he's not some
elusive boogeyman

as much as
the 700 Garbage Pail Kids

who roam these halls every day.

You know, just a thought.

- You guys, he's not wrong.

- But the Sugar Daddy,
uh, he's a serial litterer.

He's malicious,
he's psychotic.

- I bet he doesn't even
eat the Sugar Daddies.

My theory is based on the fact
that no one ever has.

- That can't be true.
I mean--

- I'm with Lynette. I mean,
those things are gross.

I'm a--I'm a big
lollipop guy myself

but I--[clears throat]
have to eat them at home

because people think
I'm a little boy

and I can't get
into restaurants.

- Ohh.

- Well, all I know

is that I'm determined
to catch this son of a bitch.

- Well, we'll help you.

I always know the killer

the first four minutes
of "Law and Order."

- Yup, it's never
the second guy they talk to.

It's sometimes the first.

- Mm-hmm.
- Huh!

- Ooh and if there's
a stepfather,

you know his ass did it.

all: Mm-hmm.

[harmonizing]
♪ Mm-hmm

- Whoopsie.

[scattered laughter]

- Marcus,
I know where you live.

- I retract my whoopsie.

- Yeah.

So I imagine you guys
have all seen this, uh,

video of me
that's been going around.

- Which version?

My favorite is when
you fall off the stage

into a shark's mouth.
[laughter]

- Oh, and then they cut
to a guy on Maury Povich

doing an
"I'm not the father" dance.

[scattered laughter]
- Yeah, fun.

So this is our mission
for today.

We need to delete that video.
Now how do we do that?

- Brother, you don't.

- It's like when you're
standing on a rooftop

and you shake all
the feathers out of a pillow

and then the next day you say,

"I want to get all
those feathers back."

- Did you just quote
the movie "Doubt"?

- I just realized
something wonderful.

Whenever anyone looks up
"Jack Griffin,"

the first thing that's going to
come up is Doctor Whoopsie.

- Well, that's not good.

I'm trying to become
the most famous philosopher

of--of my generation, okay?

- [clears throat]

- Whoa, Vic.

Where's your signature
grandpa sweater?

- Where's your fancy
Harvard job?

all: Ooh!

- Ooh, okay!
Nice comeback.

I like this attitude.
I don't know what's going on.

Cool.

All right, so how do we change
the narrative, guys?

You know--
I know, I know.

We need to make a more popular
video where I look cool.

So how do we do that?

- Uh, Griff, my uncle agreed
to give his kidney

to a total stranger.

It was all over the news.

Everyone in town
was talking about it.

- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like this, a heroic act.

I mean, people love
a feel-good story.

- Well, it turned out
the kidney went to a guy

who murdered a bunch
of immigrants in rural Texas.

So that was a bummer.
- Hmm.

- One time I went to Texas
and I hated it.

Just like I hate
everything else.

Whatever.

- What's going
on with you, bud?

Somebody steal your
Magic: The Gathering cards?

- You wanna go?
- [chuckling] Oh, my God.

This is great.
I like this very much.

I really do.
It's a nice new wrinkle.

I mean, just when I thought
I'd get bored with you guys.

All right, so what's
a powerful moving act

that I could get caught
on camera doing?

- Being a solider
coming home to your kid.

- Get a cochlear implant

and hear your mom's voice
for the first time.

- Okay, well that's for babies
and my mom is dead.

- Oh.

- I mean, we're building
a Habitat for Humanity house

this Saturday and the news
is gonna be there.

- No, no! Guys, no!

This has to be something that
really takes over the airwaves.

You know, think O.J. Bronco.

Think Thai soccer team rescue.

- Baby Jessica.

- Yeah, Baby Jess--
Babe--yeah.

Yes, that's good.

Okay, guys, we got it.
All right?

Anybody who wants extra credit,

meet me in the parking lot
during lunch.

So Baby Jessica
got me thinking about

the brave heroes
that saved her.

I mean, that's such
a striking image.

A strong noble person

pulling someone up
from the depths.

So that's what
I'm going to be.

All right, now who's going to
get down in the sewers for me?

- Whatever, I'll do it.

- Yeah, I don't know, Vic.

I mean, you've been acting
a little off today, bud.

- I said I'll do it.

So just get out of my way
right now, please.

♪

.

- This could work. I mean,
Victor makes a good victim.

I mean, that sweet
cherubic face.

When the world sees this face

being rescued by these
muscular arms, you know?

All right,
let's make this happen.

Oh! Okay, yeah.

You know what?
I just remembered.

The city, they started making
these things so that you need

a special device to pull these
manhole covers up,

'cause I think kids were just--

- Yeah, I got it, Mr. G.

- Yeah, well, I--
you know, I--

I loosened the pickle jar
for you there, so...

- Sugar Daddy?
Never heard of him.

- Come on, Dale.

You know every piece of trash
in this school.

- Sorry, can't help you.
Janitor's code.

- We just want to know
where you find

the most Sugar Daddy wrappers.

- No can do.

- Wait, time out!

What's going on with
all these boxes?

- Yeah, like, what are you
loading up to leave the school?

- And why can't you stop
working for two seconds

and talk to us?

- These are empty boxes
going to be recycled.

- Hmm.

- You know,
a janitor really makes

the best kind
of litterer, right?

both: Mm-hmm.

- It's like when the doctor
is making the patients sick.

- Or when the fireman
is the arsonist.

- Oh, or when the waiter
is rude to you.

- I am not the Sugar Daddy!

My advice? Walk away.

These wrappers have been around
for eight years,

and I don't mind it.

- Eight years?

- Well, that means that
it's not a student.

- It certainly rules out
any seven-year-olds.

[clattering]

- All right, Bernie,
we're all set!

Drive it around to
the side of the school

and leave it next to
the blue recycling bin,

and then next week
we'll break down the boxes

and put 'em in the bins!

Yeah! Get a move on, huh?
Make haste!

Whoo! [chuckles]

Ugh, I love this job.

[suspenseful music]

[rattling]

♪

- All right, well,
our little victim

seems to be in place here.

So who's going
to call Channel 24

and convince them to get
their camera crew down here?

- I'll do it.
- Uh, you know what?

Let me get somebody else
to do it.

- Hello?
Yes, I'm at Whitlock High

and my friend
just fell down a manhole,

and oh, my God, I'm
so scared he's going to die!

The ambulances are
on their way.

You're not going to want
to miss this.

You need to tell the world
'cause he's going to need

a lot of prayers
otherwise he might die.

Hurry, hurry, hurry!
They bought it.

- Did they?
- Yes.

- Okay, well, as much
as it devastates me

to say this, Marcus,
good job.

- Namaste.

- Oh! Oh, don't do that.
That is just the worst.

All right, Victor,
when I pull you--

♪

Victor?

Victor?

Oh, boy.

[blows raspberry]

Let me try something here.

Victor!

Victor?

- Yo, Mr. G, you lost Victor!
- Yeah.

- Mr. Griffin, is it fair
to say that losing a kid

wasn't the heroic act
you were looking for?

- Yeah, Sarika but, you know,
it's not over, okay?

We're not giving up on Victor.

Okay, I'm not giving up
on Victor.

- Yeah.

- Unless we all agree
not to say anything.

[angry clamoring]
- Mr. Griffin!

- Mr. Griffin!

- I know, that's
what I'm saying.

I--I so I should--
we'll save him.

Plus, you know, he might
still be alive down there.

Yeah, Marcus,
cancel the news crew, man.

- Oh, that's not possible.
Can't unring a bell.

- It's like when
you stand on a rooftop

and you try to shake out all
the feathers from a pillow--

- Yeah, from "Doubt"!
From "Doubt."

You love that movie.
- It's a great movie.

- It's great.
- Okay, guys, guys, guys.

Can we just please find
our friend?

- All right, everybody--
Everybody down in the hole.

Yep, everybody.
- Ugh.

- Lower yourselves into
the hole in the ground.

He'll be somewhere in there.

.

- All right, um,
why don't you guys

check down this tunnel here
and I'm gonna look down here.

All right? Here we go.

Victor!

- Victor!
- Victor?

- Vic?
- Yo, Vic!

- Victor?
- Hmm.

Tony don't tango
with tunnels.

Uh, I'm gonna stay here and
sing every once in a while.

It'll be like vocal
bread crumbs.

[clears throat]

[exhales]

- Victor!

- ♪ Lay a whisper

♪ On my pillow

- Victor?
- ♪ Leave the winter

- Victor?
- This is disgusting.

- Victor?
- ♪ On the ground

- Victor?
- ♪ I wake up lonely

- Victor?
- Victor?

- ♪ The air of silence

♪ In the bedroom
all: Victor? Victor?

- ♪ And all around

- This can't be.

This is crazy.

[panting]

[tense music]

[dramatic musical sting]

There's the doll heads.

[gasps]
No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no, Ralph.
Not this, not these.

- Helen! Helen!

- Hey, gals!
What's up, what's up?

[laughter]
Let me hear you now.

Just the ladies.
And scream!

- Okay, hey!
- Hey!

- [screams]
[all laughing]

- Helen, we've made a major
breakthrough in the case.

- Mm-hmm. Dale told us that
the Sugar Daddy

has been doing this
for eight years.

It can't be a student.

- It's someone we work with!

- No, I don't think so.

- Oh, come on.
Open your eyes.

I mean, it makes perfect sense.

The criminal's always some sad,
middle-aged man in khakis

you would never expect.

- No. I think it's a student.

Uh, what is that 22 year old
Sophomore's name, Lucas?

- Helen, it's not Lucas.

But we're going to find out
who it is soon.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, Ralph, you just got
these candies in here

because you
confiscated them, right?

This can't be.
This can't be.

[dramatic organ music]

I have such doubts!

- Victor!

Vic--hey. Vic.

Hey, man, what the hell?

Are you okay?

- Like you care.

All you care about it making
love to pretty women.

[soft music]

♪

- All right.

- This is lining up with
a lot of my nightmares.

Are my teeth
still in my mouth?

- I don't know, man.
Feel around with your tongue.

- Grace, are you sure you know
what you're doing?

- Guys, it's just a tunnel.
There's no reason to be afraid.

[gasps] Maybe we'll see
the rat king!

- Excuse me? A rat what?

- The rat king.

It's when a mob of 50
or more rats

get their tails intertwined

and it becomes
an angry vicious creature

that starts to understand
the idea of right and wrong.

- [gasps]
- Oh, God.

- My glasses!

- I'm so--I'm sorry.
- My glasses.

- Here, I got them.
I got them.

I got 'em.

[light acoustic music]

♪

Here you go.

Here you go.

♪

There you go.

[clattering]
- Oh, my God! What was that?

No, no, no!
That--that's the rat king!

The rat king!
- Rat king?

[all clamoring]

- Rat king!
- Rat king!

- Rat king!
Let me see! Let me see!

- ♪ It must've been love

♪ But it's over now

♪ It must have been good
[all clamoring]

♪ But I lost it somehow

- Hell no!

- What?
We--we can't leave.

- Rat king! Rat king!

- But--but Victor.
- Oh, my God, rat king.

- I'm gonna stay here and
keep singing for my friend.

- Something touched my leg!

Oh, I think I got bit!

- That's probably not great.

So what's with the game
of hide and seek, bud?

- This charade has gone
on long enough.

- I'm not the rebel
everyone thinks I am.

[sighs]
I'm not heavy metal.

- Santana is really more sort
of smooth Latin American jazz.

- My parents
are getting a divorce.

- Oh. I'm sorry
to hear that, bud.

So you were, what?
Running away.

- I just thought that if
I went missing in the sewers,

then my parents would both come
and they'd hug and cry and kiss

and then pray I'm not dead
and then kiss again

and it would be
just like Epcot in 2015.

- [chuckles]

Look, uh, I'm gonna
tell you something

as someone who comes
from divorced parents.

Divorce is great, okay?

I mean they probably
hate each other.

- They did say that a lot.
- Yeah.

Yeah, and you probably think
that it's your fault

that they're splitting up
but it's not.

It is your fault that they
probably stayed together

as long as they did, though.

You know, despite the fact
that you were all miserable.

So hey, good news, you're
all about to be much happier.

Yeah, but look, if--if--

if you need to chat
about it some more,

come see me after class,
all right?

Yeah.

Want to get out
of this disgusting place?

- Yeah, I really have to pee.

- Well, hey,
we are in the sewer.

You could just cut out
the middleman.

- He's here!
- Did you see the rat king?

- Sorry, guys.

I've been dealing
with a lot lately.

But Mr. Griffin and I

are going to have an ongoing
conversation about it

because it's a very painful
thing for me.

- [groans] Okay, hey.
All right.

[sirens blaring]
Oh, perfect timing.

Now Vic, don't wander off.
[clang]

all: Oh!
[thud]

[groaning]
- Whoopsie.

- [coughing]

[all groaning]

- Okay.
[camera shutter clicks]

.

[dramatic music]

- Hello, Ralph.

- Helen, what are--

What are you doing in here?

- Ralph Darius Durbin.

I'm gonna ask you something.

Just once over and over again
until you tell me.

♪

[thud echoing]

Are you the Sugar Daddy?

♪

I saw you do it.

♪

You messy son of a gun!

Why, Ralph?

Littering.
[bleep] littering?

- I'll tell you why
because I'm sick of having

to be this perfect person
all the time.

Mother Teresa wasn't perfect.
Mr. Rogers had flaws.

Even President Trump
has a bit of a sweet tooth.

- You lied to me.

- I didn't want you thinking
any less of me!

But every now and then,
I had to break a rule too

and I give Dale $20
every time I do it.

- Ralph, I would never
think less of you.

- [sighs] So what happens now?

[siren wails in distance]

[sighs, chuckles]

Say goodnight
to the Sugar Daddy.

[suspenseful music]

♪

- Wait a minute.

Oh no! Ralph!

♪

[slow-motion]
No!

Don't shoot him!

Don't kill him, please!

Oh, dear God, take me!

[siren wails]

The hell?
- I--I've got to say.

I'm very curious as to why
the ambulances and cops

are actually here.

- Guys, guys, I'm fine.

I'm just a little sore.

[indistinct chatter]

[groaning]
- Okay.

- Guys, is all this
really necessary?

- Hey, I know you.

Aren't you that guy
Mr. Whoopsie?

- Doctor. Yes.

- Jesus, are you okay?

- Oh, oh yeah. Why?

- The stretcher and stuff.
The news is here.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I fell deep down
into the sewer.

I'm so glad you're here
to see me like this.

- You're very cute
when you're injured.

It's a good thing
it happens so often.

- Oh, actually,
if I'm gonna die,

we should probably French kiss
goodbye, don't you think?

- No, thanks.
Your lips were just in a sewer.

[siren chirps]

- In what would be
the saddest edition

of "Where Are They Now?",

recent internet sensation,
Doctor Whoopsie

is back to his
bumbling antics.

This time,
he's fallen into a sewer.

The maladroit doofus, who some
claim was a Harvard professor,

was just dragged from
the depths behind me.

Now authorities were
initially called to the scene

for a missing child alert.

- That was me!

I was missing.

- We have a Channel 24
exclusive here.

This is the missing sewer boy.

What's your name?
Are you okay?

- I'm Victor,

and to be completely honest
with you, Sandra,

I'm not doing great.

- Uh, hey, lipstick, I got
your sound bite right here.

- It appears another
sewer child is ready to speak.

- We never would've gotten
out of that sewer

if it wasn't for our teacher,
Jack Griffin.

- He also helped me through
an emotional crisis

and he has generously
offered me further counsel.

- Yeah, Mr. Griffin saved us.

There's a legit rat king down
there. We saw it, Sandy.

Oh, he dove into the massive
rats without any regard

for himself effortlessly
detangling their tails

and dethroning the rat king!

- We all could
have gotten rabies,

but instead we got a hero.

[click]

- Victor?

Play it again.

- You got it.

- In what would be
the saddest edition

of "Where Are They Now?",

recent internet sensation,
Doctor Whoopsie,

is back to
his bumbling antics.

The maladroit doofus, who some
claim was a Harvard professor,

was just dragged
from the depths behind me.