Original subtitles

Come on.

Come on, man. Come on, let him through. Come on.

Come on, hold him back, man, hold him back, man. Back off, man.

I told you to stay off the boardwalk.

Okay, boys, let's go.

You too, off the boardwalk.

- Keep going. - Hey, I like that song.

Keep going, Mom.

- Oh, how about this? - Hang on.

I don't see any bogeymen or nasty guys.

Pretty cool, Mom, you know. You wanna switch the dial?

- Oh, this jams. - Quite right.

Gosh, you guys are rough.

- His pain, discomfort, manipulation... - No, no.

No.

- Oh! - Keep going.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. That's from my era.

- Keep going. - Keep going, okay.

Hey, we're almost there.

Mom, what's that smell?

- Ah, that's the ocean air. - It smells like someone died.

Aw, honey.

Look, guys, I know the last year hasn't been easy...

...but I think you're really gonna like living in Santa Carla.

Mom, there's an amusement park right on the beach.

Sam, tell those kids to get something to eat.

- Is there any jobs around here? - Nothing legal.

Come on, Nanook.

Dad? Dad?

- Looks like he's dead. - No, he's just a deep sleeper.

If he's dead, can we go back to Phoenix?

Playing dead.

And from what I heard, doing a damn good job of it too.

Dad. Oh, Dad.

- This is a pretty cool place. - For The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

Come on, Sam, give Mom a break.

What's wrong with this picture?

There's no TV. Have you seen a TV? I haven't seen a TV, Mike.

You know what it means when there's no TV? No MTV.

Sammy, we're flat broke.

Lucy, you're the only woman I ever knew...

...who didn't improve her situation by getting divorced.

Yeah, I know.

But a big legal battle wasn't gonna improve anybody's situation.

You know, Dad, we've all been through enough. You know.

Anyway, I was raised better than that.

Hey, ouch! My hair.

- Mom. Mom, you've gotta help me. - Soon.

Hey, guys, no running in the house.

Talk about The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

Rules.

We've got some rules around here.

Second shelf is mine.

That's where I keep my root beers and my double-thick Oreo cookies.

Nobody touches the second shelf but me.

Now, there's another rule around here, and I want you to pay close attention.

Don't touch anything.

Everything is exactly where I want it to be.

Hey, Grandpa, is it true that Santa Carla's the murder capital of the world?

Well, there are some bad elements around here.

Wait, let me get this straight.

Are you telling me we moved to the murder capital of the world?

- Are you serious, Grandpa? - Well, let me put it this way.

If all the corpses buried around here were to stand up all at once...

...we'd have one hell of a population problem.

Great, Dad.

Now, on Wednesdays, when the mailman brings the TV Guide...

...sometimes the address label is curled up just a little like that.

Now, you'll be tempted to tear it off. Don't.

You'll only wind up ripping the cover, and I don't like that.

- And stay out of here. - Wait, wait.

- You have a TV? - No.

I just like to read the TV Guide.

Read the TV Guide, you don't need a TV.

Mom. Mom.

I can't find my mom.

What's the matter?

Are you lost?

Let's go in here and we can ask, okay?

Excuse me, I wonder if you could help us.

This boy is lost and we're wondering if his mother might be in here.

I don't really know.

- Well, if... - Terry.

- I was so worried. - Great.

- Don't run off like that. - There you are.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Bye, Terry.

Hey, we only come here to watch one thing.

- Well done. - No, thanks.

Well, on second thought...

I told you not to come in here anymore.

Wild kids.

Oh, they're just young. We were that age, too, once.

Only they dress better. Bye-bye.

You have a generous nature. I like that in a person.

- My name's Max. - I'm Lucy.

- How are you? - Hello.

- That's my dog, Thorn. - Hi, Thorn.

Say hello, Thorn. Well, how may I help you this evening?

We have it all. The best selection of videotapes in Santa Carla.

No. Actually, I'm not looking for a tape.

What I need is...

- A job? - Is a job.

Yeah. I look that needy, huh?

- So where are we going? - Nowhere.

So, what's our rush? You're chasing that girl, aren't you?

Come on, come on, admit it. You're chasing her.

I'm at the mercy of your sex glands.

Sam, don't you have something better to do than follow me around all night?

Yeah.

Actually, I do.

Got a problem, guys?

Just scoping your civilian wardrobe.

Pretty cool, huh?

For a fashion victim.

Listen, if you're looking for the diet frozen-yogurt bar...

...it went out of business last summer.

Actually, I'm looking for a Batman, Number 14.

- That's a very serious book, man. - Only five in existence.

Four, actually.

I'm always looking out for the other three.

Look. You can't put the Superman Number 77s with the 200s.

They haven't even discovered red kryptonite yet.

And you can't put the Number 98s with the 300s.

Lori Lemaris hasn't even been introduced.

Where the hell are you from? Krypton?

Phoenix, actually. But lucky me, we moved...

...here.

Take this.

- I don't like horror comics. - You'll like this one, Mr. Phoenix.

It could save your life.

- Hey! - Hey!

- Come back here! - Hey, let's go!

Hey, wait a minute! Come back here!

Come on, she stiffed you. Ha.

- What was that? - What was what?

- I thought I heard something. - Forget it.

- Well, how do you like that baby, huh? - It's a beauty.

- Come on, let's get in. - All right.

Hey, can I drive it on the way back?

Fat chance. Nobody drives this baby but me.

Yeah.

You gotta let it warm up a little.

Hear that sound? Just like a baby pussycat.

- Okay, let's go to town. - All right.

Are we having fun, or what?

- I thought we were going to town. - That's as close to town as I like to get.

What a weirdo, man.

It means you gotta bounce, man.

Did you see that? Where did he come from?

Oh, he turned green.

Notice anything unusual about Santa Carla yet?

No, it's a pretty cool place.

- If you're a Martian. - Or a vampire.

Are you guys sniffing old newsprint or something?

You think you really know what's happening around here?

Well, I'll tell you something. You don't know shit, buddy.

Yeah. You think we just work in a comic-book store for our folks, huh?

- Actually, I thought it was a bakery. - This is just our cover.

We're dedicated to a higher purpose.

We're fighters for truth, justice and the American way.

Right.

Hey, man. Read this.

I told you I don't like horror comics.

Think of it more as a survival manual.

There's our number on the back.

And pray you never need to call us.

I'll pray...

...I never need to call you.

Sure.

It looks great. Definitely. Enjoy it, for sure.

- Thanks. - Night.

Step right up, folks...

Excuse me.

All right, it won't hurt. It won't.

It's a rip-off.

Hi.

If you want your ear pierced, I'll do it.

What's your name?

- Star. - Oh, your folks too, huh?

- What do you mean? - Ex-hippies.

I came this close to being called Moonbeam or Moonchild.

Or something like that.

But Star's great. I like Star.

Me too.

- I'm Michael. - Michael. Michael's great. I like Michael.

- Wanna get something to eat? - Okay.

Where are you going, Star?

For a ride. This is Michael.

- Let's go. - Star.

You know where Hudson's Bluff is, overlooking the point?

I can't beat your bike.

You don't have to beat me, Michael. You just have to try and keep up.

We're going for a ride.

Whoo!

Come on!

Come on, Michael!

- What the hell are you doing? - No!

Just you. Come on.

Just you.

Come on. Just you.

How far are you willing to go, Michael?

- Hit the rock box, buddy. - Yeah.

Not bad, huh?

This was the hottest resort in Santa Carla about 85 years ago.

Too bad they built it on the fault.

In 1906...

...when the big one hit San Francisco...

...the ground opened up and this place took a header...

...right into the crack.

So now it's ours.

So check it out, Mikey.

Marko.

Food.

That's what I love about this place.

You ask, and then you get.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

Appetizer.

You'll like it here, Michael.

Ten o'clock. Lights out.

- Did you brush your teeth? - Uh-huh.

Okay, night-night, sweetheart.

- Mom? - Uh-huh?

Oh.

Sorry.

You know, I can never sleep with the closet door open either.

Not even a crack.

Sam, this is a terrible thing to admit, but I think that...

...one of the reasons I divorced your father...

...was because he never believed in the closet monster.

Dad. Dad, you shouldn't sneak up on people like that.

Brought you something to dress up your room with, Sam.

How do you like that?

- Thanks, Grandpa. - Dad, really. You shouldn't have.

Yeah. Lots more where he comes from.

- Good night, Sam. - Good night, Grandpa.

- Lights, Sam. - As soon as I finish this comic, okay?

- Okay. Night-night, honey. - Good night, Mom.

You're history, buddy.

Feeding time. Come and get it, boys.

- All right. Food time. - All right.

Chinese. Good choice.

Over here, bud.

Guests first.

No. No, thanks.

You don't like rice?

Tell me, Michael, how could a billion Chinese people be wrong?

Come on.

How are those maggots?

Maggots, Michael.

You're eating maggots. How do they taste?

Leave him alone.

Pretty sad. Pretty sad.

Sorry about that.

No hard feelings, huh?

No.

Why don't you try some noodles?

- They're worms. - What do you mean, they're worms?

Don't eat...

They're only noodles, Michael.

Nice worms.

- That's enough. - Chill out, girl.

Drink some of this, Michael.

Be one of us.

Michael, Michael.

- Don't. You don't have to, Michael. - Take a chance.

- Michael. Take a chance. - Michael.

Michael, Michael.

- Michael, Michael, Michael. - It's blood.

- Yeah, sure. Blood. - Michael, drink it.

Bravo.

Give me a ride, Marko.

Michael, Michael, Michael...

You're one of us, bud. Let the good times roll.

Michael.

Michael. Michael.

Perfect timing.

What's going on?

Michael wants to know what's going on.

Marko?

What's going on?

I don't know. What's going on, Paul?

- Wait a minute, who wants to know? - Michael wants to know.

I think we should let Michael know what's going on.

Yeah.

Marko.

Good night, Michael. Bombs away.

Bottoms up, man. Whoa!

Come with us, Michael.

Hey, Michael.

Michael Emerson!

Come on down!

- Come on, Michael. - Come on.

- Hey, Michael. - Way to go, Michael.

Welcome aboard, Michael.

- Fun, huh? - How do you like it?

Hold on!

Jesus Christ!

Yeah.

- Jesus Christ! - Don't be scared, Michael.

Michael, you're one of us. Let go!

And do what?

You are one of us, Michael.

What?

David!

- Michael, let go. - Michael, let go.

Michael.

Michael. Michael.

Mike, wake up.

It's Mom.

- Mom's home? - No, on the phone, Mike.

- What time is it? - It's 2:00.

Give me those sunglasses.

You need your sunglasses to talk on the phone?

Are you freebasing? Inquiring minds wanna know.

Ooh.

- Hello? - Michael, are you still in bed?

No. I'm up.

Michael, would you do me a favor?

Max asked me to go to dinner with him after work tonight.

- Would you stay home with Sam? - Sam is old enough to stay by himself.

I don't need a babysitter, Mike.

Michael, you come home in the middle of the night...

...you sleep all day.

I work all day. Sam is always alone.

It's been a long time since somebody asked me to go to dinner.

I'd like to go. Okay?

Okay, Mom.

Thanks, honey. It's a real favor. Bye-bye.

Hey, anything around here that might pass for an aftershave?

How about some Windex, Grandpa?

Yeah, yeah, let me try some of that.

Yeah.

You have a big date tonight?

Ah, ha-ha-ha.

Just going to drop by some of my handiwork to the Widow Johnson.

What did you stuff for her? Mr. Johnson?

Yeah, well, I'll see you two guys later.

That wasn't funny, Mike.

I'm gonna make you a sandwich.

Don't bother.

Lose the earring, Michael. It's not you. It's definitely not you.

Piss off.

All you do is give attitude lately. You watching too much Dynasty, bud?

What the hell...?

Michael, Michael.

Michael, Michael, Michael...

No, Mike. Mike, don't open the door. Mike!

Mike, don't.

What's going on, Mike?

Go take your bath.

Mike?

Michael, are you there?

Nanook?

Michael?

Mike, what happened?

- Nanook. - What about Nanook?

What did you do to my dog, asshole?

Nothing. I didn't hurt him. He bit me. This is my blood.

Why did he bite you, Mike? What did you do to him?

He was protecting you.

Look at your reflection in the mirror.

You're a creature of the night, Michael. Just like out of a comic book.

You're a vampire, Michael.

My own brother, a goddamn shit-sucking vampire.

You wait till Mom finds out, buddy.

Sammy, wait. Sam!

- Stay back. - Just let me talk...

Wait a minute. Sam!

Get away from me, Mike!

Sammy. Sammy, open the door.

You did the right thing by calling us. Does your brother sleep a lot?

Yeah, all day.

- Does the sunlight freak him out? - He wears sunglasses in the house.

Bad breath? Long fingernails?

Yeah, his fingernails are a bit longer. He always had bad breath, though.

He's a vampire, all right.

All right, here's what you do.

Get yourself a good, sharp stake and drive it right through his heart.

I can't do that. He's my brother.

Okay, we'll come over and do it for you.

- No. - You better get yourself a garlic T-shirt.

Or it's your funeral.

- Hello. - Sam, is everything all right?

Mom, I think we have to have a long talk about something.

Help!

- What's going on there? - Mom?

- Sam, I'm starting to get worried. - Mom... Uh-oh.

What's that noise? That's not Michael. Why is he screaming like that?

- Now, we should stay calm. - Calm? Calm about what?

- Nothing, nothing. - Listen, just who's making that noise?

I can't talk about it on the phone. It's Michael.

Don't listen to him, Mom. He doesn't know what he's saying.

- Ah! - Shut up, Sam.

Mom! Help! He's coming to get me!

Oh, my God!

- Mom! - Sam!

- He's gonna kill me! - Honey, I'm coming.

No! No! Tell him to get away! No! No! Mom!

Open up!

Stay back! Stay back!

Sammy, help me! Open up!

Help me! Sammy, open the window!

- You're a vampire! I knew it! - I am not!

So, what are you, the Flying Nun?

I'm your brother, Sammy. Help me!

Sammy, open up!

Please.

Please.

Thank you, Sam.

We've gotta stick together, Sam. We've gotta stick together, bro.

- What about Mom? - Just don't tell her anything.

I don't know, Mike. It's not like getting a D in school.

We're gonna work this out. I'm gonna work this out. Trust me, okay?

- Sam. - Okay.

Sam! Sam!

Sam. Sam, are you all right? You had me scared to death.

I'm okay. I was reading a horror comic and I thought I saw someone...

...out my window, but I guess I got carried away.

You got carried away by a comic book?

It was a scary comic, Mom. I'm sorry.

You know, I've just about had it with the both of you.

You know that?

What is this mess?

You spill milk all over and don't even bother to clean it up?

I didn't spill it.

I can't believe you people. The refrigerator door's wide open.

Are you trying to refrigerate the whole neighborhood?

You know, it's not fair. I would like to have a personal life too.

- Where's Michael? - He went to bed early, Mom.

Mom? Can I sleep in here with you tonight?

In here? Are you sure you're all right?

I'm fine. It was a real scary comic, that's all.

- Do you mind? - No, I don't mind.

- Have you been eating pizza? - No. Why?

Whew! You smell like garlic.

Who's there?

Hello, Thorn.

Is that you, Thorn? Is that you making all that noise?

Star.

Star.

I'm over here, Michael.

- What's happening to me, Star? - Michael.

- What's happening to me, Star? - Oh, Michael.

Michael, I can't tell you. I don't know how to help you.

What's happening?

I can't. I can't.

Hi.

Hey, aren't we friends anymore?

- Sure. - "Sure."

Does that mean we are, or...?

- We are. - We are.

Well, then let's act like friends. Let's talk.

Michael, take off your glasses.

Michael, look at me.

- If there's a girl... - I'm tired, Mom.

- We could talk about... - I'm tired.

We could talk about anything you want to talk about.

I have more serious things on my mind than girls and school. Things that...

Things I wouldn't understand?

Eh...

Looks like I wasn't the only one who got lucky last night.

Did you take care of everything, Michael?

What's the wine for?

My apology to Max for running out on him last night...

...which, young man, you should be making.

Mom.

Honey, I better bring this up to the house or somebody's just gonna take it.

All right, I'll be here.

Hi, Thorn.

Oh!

Sam. Sam.

Stop. Sam!

- Help, Sam! - Mom!

God, no! Sam! Help, Sam!

No! No!

Sam, no!

Mom!

Oh, my God!

Honey, get in the car. Get in the car.

Then dog started chasing my mom like the Hounds of Hell in Vampires Everywhere.

We've been aware of some serious vampire activity in this town for a long time.

Santa Carla has become a haven for the undead.

As a matter of fact, we're almost certain...

...that ghouls and werewolves occupy high positions at City Hall.

Kill your brother. You'll feel better.

Look, guys, my brother is not a bloodsucker.

Look, it says here that if you kill the head vampire...

...all half-vampires will return to normal.

Guys, if my brother's a vampire, believe me, he's only half.

Does your brother know who the head vampire is?

No, I don't think so.

Then you'll have to kill him. And if you don't...

...then we will.

This all started when my mom went to work at Max's video store.

Max never comes in till after it's dark.

The dog who chased my mom this morning was his.

"Vampires require a daytime protector, a guardian...

...to watch over them as they sleep.

Fierce dogs, the Hounds of Hell, are often employed for this purpose."

No shit.

Yeah? Well, what happens if my mom is dating the head vampire?

You guys could nail him and save Santa Carla.

Truth, justice, the American way triumphs.

Thanks to you two.

We'll check out Max.

Sam.

Hey! Smells good. When do we eat?

I told Max 8:00.

Max? Are we gonna have company again?

Again? Dad, you haven't had company in this house...

...since Mom died eight years ago.

Right. Now we're gonna have company again.

Michael, Max is coming to dinner. I'd like you to meet him.

I can't, I have plans.

Michael.

You know, things are gonna change around this house when school starts.

Hey.

How you doing? You must be Michael, right?

And you must be Max.

Right. How are you?

Well, you're the man of the house...

...and I'm not coming in until you invite me.

You're invited.

Thanks very much.

- Hello. - Oh, hi. I didn't hear you come in.

Is it all right for the guest to see the food before dinner?

You're thinking of the groom not seeing the bride before the wedding.

Oh, yeah, I always get those confused.

- Thorn sends his apologies. - Oh, well, tell him I'm walking again.

He promises to behave if you come back.

Oh, well, that's so sweet.

Mom?

These are my dinner guests. Edgar and Alan, the Frog brothers.

Oh, I didn't know you were having guests.

Mom, if we're in your way, we can go eat some peanut butter in the kitchen.

No, there's plenty for everybody.

Max, this is my son Sam, and Edgar and Alan Frog?

Mm-hm.

- Lucy, this looks terrific. - I hope it tastes good.

Mmm. It tastes wonderful.

Mmm! Boy, somebody around here has bad breath.

Nanook, would you quit breathing on me?

Nanook, get upstairs. Go on.

You want some Parmesan cheese on that?

Yeah, Sam. Thank you very much.

- Sam grated the cheese himself. My son. - Ah.

Another budding chef in the family.

Are you all right?

No. It's not cheese, it's garlic.

- You hate garlic, don't you? - No, I like garlic. It's just a little much.

It's raw garlic.

Garlic? How did that happen?

Guys, he likes garlic.

Sorry.

Here. Quick, drink some water.

- Hey, wait a minute! - Oh!

Sam, what's the matter with you?

- Does it burn? - Burn? What are you, nuts?

It's freezing.

Oh, look at your suit, Max. And your pants.

- I'm so sorry. Gosh. - It's all right.

- Now what? - Must be a circuit breaker, Mom.

- He's not glowing. - I know. Hit the lights.

- Ah! - Oh!

Sam, what has gotten into you tonight?

I think I know what's going on here.

- You do? - Yeah.

I know what you're thinking, Sam, but you're wrong.

- I am? - Yeah.

I'm not trying to replace your father.

Or steal your mother away from you.

I would just like to be your friend, that's all.

Good night, Lucy.

- Thanks a lot. - I'm sorry, Mom.

Max, I'm so sorry. I mean, nothing like this has ever happened.

Major mistake.

Our batting average isn't terrific, is it? 0 for 2.

You were so sweet to him just now.

I don't know what got into him. He's not like that.

Well, kids Sam's age need discipline, otherwise they run all over you.

He doesn't run over me.

Protecting mother.

Listen, let's try it once more.

Dinner, my house, tomorrow night.

- I'm cooking. - Okay.

Bye.

Hey, whoa!

Where is she?

Take it easy, Michael.

Where's Star, David?

Michael, if you ever wanna see Star again...

...you better come with us now.

- Michael, over here. - Go on, Michael.

You don't wanna miss this.

Initiation's over, Michael.

Time to join the club.

Hi, Michael.

Michael.

- Michael. - No!

So.

Now you know what we are.

Now you know what you are.

You'll never grow old, Michael...

...and you'll never die.

But you must feed.

Ah! Ah!

I wish Grandpa would stop giving me these stupid things.

- Ah! - It's okay.

I know who I am now, Sam.

Don't kill me, Mike.

I'm basically a good kid, so just don't kill me.

I can help you.

Just tell me who the head vampire is.

I thought it was Max, but I was wrong.

Just work with me, and I can help you. You'll be okay.

Michael. Michael.

It's that girl. Is she one of them?

- I have to talk to you. Can I come up? - No.

You shut the window and lock your door.

She's one of them!

And don't tell me it doesn't make her a bad person, Mike.

You know where David took me tonight, don't you, Star?

- Who's David? - Yes, and it's my fault.

If you hadn't met me, if I hadn't liked you...

I tried to warn you.

It was that night in the cave, wasn't it?

That wasn't wine they gave me to drink. It was blood.

That was David's blood.

You drank someone's blood? Are you crazy?

I'm just like David now, Star.

No, you're not. You're like Laddie and me.

- We're not one of them... - Until you make your first kill.

Why didn't you kill me last night?

You were supposed to be my first.

That's what David wanted.

- But I couldn't, Michael. - Why?

- Because you care so much about me? - Yes, I do.

What are you doing here? What do you want from me?

I wanted to tell you that it's not too late for you.

But for me it gets harder and harder to resist.

I'm weak.

Why did you come here tonight, Star?

I was hoping you'd help Laddie and me.

Star!

Don't kill anybody until we get back to you.

- What are you doing? - I've got connections.

Okay. Where's Nosferatu?

- Who? - The Prince of Darkness.

- The night crawler. The bloodsucker. - El Vampiro.

Mike, they're here!

Hey, Grandpa, is it okay if we borrow your car?

Weapons check.

- I don't want you going down there. - I'm going.

This isn't a comic book, Sammy. These guys are brutal killers.

So are the Frog brothers.

Check me.

Who would you rather go down there with you? Them or me?

If something happens, I'm not gonna have the strength to protect you.

Well, this time I'll protect you, bud.

Even though you're a vampire, you're still my brother.

Listen, just so you know...

...if you try to stop us or vamp out in any way...

...then I'll stake you without even thinking twice about it.

Chill out, Edgar.

Yeah. Come on.

Where did you say you met these guys?

- Holy shit. - Vampire hotel.

Here's one. Come on, let's stake her, man.

Don't you touch her! You stay away from her!

Come on. Vampires have such rotten tempers.

Star.

The rest of them have gotta be around here some place. Let's find them.

- There must be something in the corner. - Star.

Look up there, man. You gotta look everywhere.

- I'm taking you out of here. - No, take Laddie first. Please.

I feel a draft. I think there's something up here.

- Let's check it out, Sam. - Come on.

Let's go.

I'll be right back, Mike!

I hope.

Come on, Sam, let's go! Move, Alan! Move!

Ah. Ugh. Ugh.

- Flies. - We're on the right trail.

Flies and the undead go together, like bullets and guns.

Come on.

What's that smell?

Vampires, my friend. Vampires.

Come on.

It's freezing in here. Ah!

It looks like a dead end. Let's head back.

They must have hidden the coffins around here some place.

There's nothing here. Let's go, guys.

- Jesus! - Aah!

I thought they were supposed to be in coffins.

That's what this cave is. It's one giant coffin.

Right now they're at their most vulnerable.

Easy pickings.

Remember, you have to kill the leader.

We don't know which one the leader is.

I guess we'll just have to kill them all.

Let's start with the little one. First come, first staked.

What was that, a little vampire humor? It wasn't funny.

Oh, my God.

No! Don't even.

Good night, bloodsucker.

No!

You're dead meat!

Let's get out of here! Let's go!

Go! Get out of here! Run! Go! Fast! Come on!

Grab him! Get him into the light!

Get him into the sun! Get him into the sunlight!

Tonight.

Mike, start the car!

Mike! Mike! Start the car. Mike. Mike.

- We blew it, man. We lost it. - Shut up.

We unraveled in the face of the enemy.

They pulled a mind-scramble on us.

- They opened their eyes and talked. - I'll drive.

- We don't ride with vampires. - Fine. Stay here.

- We do now. - Yeah.

Come on! Sam, let's get out of here.

Burn rubber.

Christ!

Burn rubber does not mean warp speed.

Cool it, Nanook.

- Your dog knows a flesh-eater. - Take him outside, Sam.

Come on, Nanook.

Michael.

Do you know the rule about filling up the car with gas...

...when you take it without asking?

No, Grandpa.

Well, now you do.

- We definitely blew Plan A. - Time to activate Plan B.

- Okay, what's Plan B? - We don't have one yet.

We only have two and a half hours to come up with one.

Why? What's in two and a half hours?

The sun will go down. They'll be looking for us.

Mom.

This is... What are you doing with the bike?

I gotta tell you something. It's real important. Shh.

- Santa Carla is crawling with vampires. - Excuse me.

Mom, I'm serious.

Listen, Edgar staked one. It was screaming and fizzing.

Look, there's evidence on my sweater.

- Mom, you gotta tell someone. - Come on, honey.

- You gotta tell someone. - This isn't funny.

I'm not kidding mother! They're coming as soon as it gets dark.

Okay, stop it. Right now. Just stop it.

- Mom... - No, not another word.

I don't believe you're doing this.

I'm gonna see Max tonight and you're trying to ruin it for me.

No, I'm not.

There's nothing wrong with Max. I don't know why don't you want me to see...?

I'm not talking about Max, all right? To hell with Max.

I'll deal with you later, young man.

- Mom. - No.

Guys, we're on our own.

Good. That's just the way we like it.

Grandpa?

The Widow Johnson called. She said to pick her up at 7 instead of 8, okay?

We got a date tonight?

I guess so. She said not to be late.

Well, I better get cleaned up, then.

Go, let's go, come on.

Die, Mr. Vampire.

Go, come on, come on. Let's move.

They'll be coming for Laddie and me, won't they?

They'll be coming for all of us.

- Laddie, wake up. - Hm?

- It's okay? Thank you. - Oh, it's delicious.

Oh!

Thorn, stop that.

What's the matter, Lucy?

Oh, just old memories coming back.

No, seriously. Why are you so jumpy tonight?

No, well, it's something Sam...

He came into the store, and...

You know, it was just a kid's imagination, I'm sure, but...

...he seemed so sincere, but...

- It's insane. - Tell me. I promise not to laugh. Honest.

I think I should warn you all.

When a vampire buys it, it's never a pretty sight.

No two bloodsuckers go out the same way.

Some yell and scream. Some go quietly.

Some explode. Some implode.

But all will try to take you with them.

- Nanook. I left him outside. - Don't go out there. Stop him.

Sam!

- Sam, stop. Sam, come back. - No, wait.

- Sam. Come back. - Sam.

Sam, you're in danger, man.

Nanook.

Come on.

- Michael! - Come on, come back!

- No. - Come on back.

- Michael, get back, man. - Mike.

Hurry! Michael, hurry!

Hurry, Michael.

Michael, they're coming!

Come on, hurry!

Hurry up, man!

Come on, come on.

They're coming now!

Take them upstairs!

Go. Come on, move it, move it.

- I say we terminate them right now. - Laddie, run!

- Hey! - Aah!

You're mine!

- You killed Marko! - Yeah. You're next.

No. You're next.

Garlic don't work, boys.

Try the holy water, dead breath!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Mike. Mike.

Mike. Mike. Mike, wake up.

- You missed, sucker. - Only once, pal.

Death by stereo.

Come on.

What the hell?

Come on.

- Hey, hey, shh. It's me, it's me. - Are you okay?

I nailed one of them with a bow and arrow.

All right, Sam-o.

We trashed the one that looks like Twisted Sister.

We totally annihilated his night-stalking ass.

Well, Nanook helped a little.

All right, Nanook.

Death to all vampires. Maximum body count.

We are awesome monster-bashers.

- The meanest. - The baddest.

Holy shit! It's the attack of Eddie Munster. Get him.

Stop! Get away from him. You just stay away from him.

He's just a little boy.

You afraid to face me, David?

Huh?

Come on.

I tried to make you immortal.

You tried to make me a killer!

You are a killer.

My turn.

Stop fighting me, Michael. I don't want to kill you.

Join us.

Never.

It's too late. My blood is in your veins.

So is mine!

No!

Michael!

Mike!

- Don't let them see me like this. - Michael.

Yeah.

Get away, Sam.

- Mike, what's wrong? - I said, get away!

What's the big deal? You destroyed the head vampire.

- It's all over. - Nothing's changed.

He's right. I don't feel any different.

Then there's still one more.

Sam? Michael?

I'll handle Mom. Come on, go.

Don't let her see the bodies.

- Sam? Michael? - Mom?

- What is going on? - What's happened?

- We have to have a heavy conversation. - Where's Michael?

- What happened to your face? - I think I can explain what's going on.

Remember the food fight Michael and I got into last year?

This has nothing to do with the food fight. I think I should cover this.

- I think you should sit down. - What happened to your face?

I don't want to hear another word from you until I talk to Michael.

I'm sorry, Lucy.

This is all my fault.

David and my boys misbehaved.

I told you, boys need a mother.

Max, what are you talking about?

I knew it. You're the head vampire.

Sam, don't start this again.

You're the secret that David was protecting.

Mm-hm.

- Who's this? - But you passed the test.

Don't ever invite a vampire into your house, you silly boy.

It renders you powerless.

- Did you know that? - Of course. Everyone knows that.

Has everyone gone crazy here? What's the matter with all of you?

It was you I was after all along, Lucy.

What?

I knew that if I could get Sam and Michael into the family...

...there's no way you could say no.

Where's Michael?

It was all going to be so perfect, Lucy.

Just like one big happy family.

Your boys...

...and my boys.

Great. The bloodsucking Brady Bunch.

But I still want you, Lucy.

I haven't changed my mind about that.

I didn't invite you this time, Max.

Michael.

Michael, no!

Michael.

- Don't you touch my mother. - Sam, don't!

Ah! Ow.

Damn it.

Don't fight, Lucy. It's so much better if you don't fight.

Mom! Mom, don't!

Mom. Don't do it, Mom. Mom, don't do it.

- Sam... - Mom, no.

- Mom, no! Mom! - Sam!

Mom!

Jesus.

- Are you okay? - Yeah. Yeah.

- Yeah, right. - Yeah. We kicked their ass, man.

It's over.

Star! Star!

Laddie.

Is everybody okay?

Oh, Michael.

- Are you okay? - Yes.

- Oh, Michael. - I was so scared.

Oh, my boys.

How much do you think we should charge them for this?

Dad.

Dad?

Dad, are you all right?

The one thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach:

All the damn vampires.