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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,587 --> 00:00:05,380 (QUIETLY) Hey, what took you so long? Come on in. 2 00:00:05,464 --> 00:00:07,299 Hey. No, no. Why are we having a secret meeting in an empty loft? 3 00:00:07,382 --> 00:00:08,967 Because I don't want Schmidt to find us. 4 00:00:09,051 --> 00:00:10,886 -(SHUDDERS) I know, right? -It's creepy, right? 5 00:00:10,969 --> 00:00:14,264 -Yeah, it is. -This place gives me the willies, man. 6 00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:15,766 Do you know why they can't keep a tenant in here? 7 00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,685 -Why? -Because Mrs. Beverly died on the toilet. 8 00:00:18,769 --> 00:00:21,063 And to come here on Halloween? 9 00:00:21,146 --> 00:00:22,147 Seems risky. 10 00:00:22,231 --> 00:00:24,107 -What's risky? -The ghost situation. 11 00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:26,485 I brought you guys in here to talk about Schmidt. 12 00:00:26,568 --> 00:00:27,819 I'm really worried about him. 13 00:00:27,903 --> 00:00:29,696 He hasn't been to work for three days. 14 00:00:29,780 --> 00:00:31,698 He just sits on the couch eating cold cuts 15 00:00:31,782 --> 00:00:34,159 and yelling at the news about how nothing matters. 16 00:00:34,243 --> 00:00:36,620 -It's a problem. Be honest. -Right. 17 00:00:36,703 --> 00:00:38,080 He's just going through a whole thing, you know? 18 00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:40,499 The Cece-Elizabeth breakup has gotten to him. 19 00:00:40,582 --> 00:00:44,211 Right now he is completely unhinged. 20 00:00:44,294 --> 00:00:45,295 Y'all feel that? 21 00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:46,380 What is going on? 22 00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:47,589 Not saying there's a ghost, but I felt a weird breeze 23 00:00:47,673 --> 00:00:49,550 -go through my body, that's all. -JESS: There's no ghost. 24 00:00:49,633 --> 00:00:52,094 Guys, I can't believe I'm saying this, but... 25 00:00:52,177 --> 00:00:53,762 I miss the old Schmidt. 26 00:00:53,846 --> 00:00:55,597 I want him to be happy again. 27 00:00:55,681 --> 00:00:58,392 He's crumbling before our very eyes. 28 00:00:58,475 --> 00:01:00,310 And I'm having a party tonight, 29 00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:02,729 and I just can't have him lying on the couch, 30 00:01:02,813 --> 00:01:04,815 wiping his tears with deli meat. 31 00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:06,900 I'll talk to him, okay? 32 00:01:06,984 --> 00:01:09,319 -Thank you. -People get weird with breakups. 33 00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:11,238 Trust me, I got this. 34 00:01:11,321 --> 00:01:13,740 -(GRUFF VOICE) You got this. -JESS: That was Winston. 35 00:01:13,824 --> 00:01:15,617 Was that you or was that in here, dude? That was... 36 00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:16,910 Don't do that! 37 00:01:16,994 --> 00:01:17,995 (BOTH CHUCKLING) 38 00:01:19,371 --> 00:01:21,915 Oh, come on, Obama. 39 00:01:21,999 --> 00:01:24,543 Tanks pull in, tanks pull out. 40 00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:26,211 Babies are born, 41 00:01:26,295 --> 00:01:27,796 old people die. 42 00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:31,425 And yet the world keeps spinning and spinning and spinning, 43 00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:33,177 and one day, it stops. 44 00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:34,553 And then what? 45 00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:38,223 You want... You want to talk about... Health care? 46 00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:41,393 That's mayo, buddy. 47 00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:43,854 (NICK, JESS AND WINSTON GROAN) 48 00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:46,190 (WHISPERS) Yeah, I don't got this. 49 00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:48,483 (GRUNTS) 50 00:01:49,193 --> 00:01:50,736 Who's that girl? 51 00:01:50,819 --> 00:01:52,863 -Who's that girl? -It's Jess! 52 00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:00,287 Pumpkining 53 00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:01,371 You're really good at that. 54 00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:04,041 -Thanks, man. -Yeah. What are you carving there? 55 00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:06,460 -It's a pumpkin. -Oh, look at that. That's beautiful. 56 00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:07,544 My pumpkin! 57 00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:08,754 Pumpkin doesn't matter. 58 00:02:08,837 --> 00:02:10,631 -Hey. I just wanted... -Hey. 59 00:02:10,714 --> 00:02:11,757 ...to talk to you, um, 60 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,842 about my party tonight. 61 00:02:13,926 --> 00:02:15,844 You don't want me to come to the party? 62 00:02:15,928 --> 00:02:17,971 No, no, no, no, no, no. 63 00:02:18,055 --> 00:02:19,139 Jess, do you not want me to come to your party? 64 00:02:19,223 --> 00:02:20,974 No. I... No. 65 00:02:21,058 --> 00:02:22,809 -Doesn't matter. -I wouldn't go 66 00:02:22,893 --> 00:02:25,020 -if I weren't throwing it, you know? -Mmm-hmm. 67 00:02:25,103 --> 00:02:27,105 It's, like, more of a business-networking... 68 00:02:27,189 --> 00:02:28,607 It's not a big deal at all. I just won't come. 69 00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:30,150 I'll stay at home, and... 70 00:02:30,234 --> 00:02:32,027 I'll just hang out in my costume. 71 00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:34,321 Oh, wait a minute. 72 00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:36,823 Your home is my home. 73 00:02:40,911 --> 00:02:42,454 -See you at the party. -(DOOR SHUTS) 74 00:02:42,538 --> 00:02:44,748 -What the hell? -He's a total maniac. 75 00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:46,375 Well, you know what, Jess? 76 00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:48,043 He doesn't get like this often. 77 00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:50,128 But when he does, 78 00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:52,172 oh, there is an option. 79 00:02:52,256 --> 00:02:53,465 WINSTON: Nick, 80 00:02:53,549 --> 00:02:56,051 I think it's time for Schmidt to get a letter from an old friend. 81 00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:57,678 -No, no, no, no, no, no. -What old friend? 82 00:02:57,761 --> 00:02:59,680 -Forget you heard anything. Nothing, J... -What old friend? 83 00:02:59,763 --> 00:03:01,640 -We need him. We gotta bring him back. -No, we don't. 84 00:03:01,723 --> 00:03:03,475 -Bring who back? -Winston, don't do this! 85 00:03:03,559 --> 00:03:05,936 Guys, does nobody listen to me? Who is he? 86 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:07,896 Michael Keaton. 87 00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:09,189 You stupid... 88 00:03:09,273 --> 00:03:10,858 Michael Keaton, the actor? 89 00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:12,067 The Batman? 90 00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:14,111 Nick, are you gonna tell her, or should I? 91 00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:16,655 -I'm not telling her. -Fine. I'll do it. 92 00:03:16,738 --> 00:03:19,324 -You will? -When Schmidt was seven years old... 93 00:03:19,408 --> 00:03:20,909 (GROANS) You're a terrible storyteller. 94 00:03:20,993 --> 00:03:23,036 I'll just do it myself, I guess. 95 00:03:25,789 --> 00:03:27,374 When Schmidt was seven years old, 96 00:03:27,457 --> 00:03:29,710 his daddy divorced his mommy 97 00:03:29,793 --> 00:03:33,505 and Schmidt was left without the love of a father. 98 00:03:33,589 --> 00:03:35,591 -(CRYING) -He didn't take it well. 99 00:03:35,674 --> 00:03:38,802 He began an endless cycle of crying and chocolate. 100 00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:41,096 Mrs. Schmidt tried everything to cheer him up, 101 00:03:41,180 --> 00:03:42,890 but nothing worked. 102 00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:45,601 Desperate, she looked to the stars. 103 00:03:45,684 --> 00:03:47,019 Movie stars. 104 00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:49,730 Mrs. Schmidt wrote that little fat loser 105 00:03:49,813 --> 00:03:51,773 a letter of support from the star 106 00:03:51,857 --> 00:03:52,900 of his favorite movie, Batman. 107 00:03:52,983 --> 00:03:54,902 But not the confusing new one. 108 00:03:54,985 --> 00:03:57,696 The good one, with Michael Keaton. 109 00:03:58,488 --> 00:03:59,990 And when Schmidt got 110 00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:02,451 his disgusting chubby hands on Keaton's letter, 111 00:04:02,534 --> 00:04:04,036 his life changed forever. 112 00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:05,454 Yes! 113 00:04:05,537 --> 00:04:07,247 NICK: But the real trouble was just beginning. 114 00:04:07,331 --> 00:04:10,584 You see, Schmidt wrote back. And he kept writing back 115 00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:13,795 about any problem he faced, bullies, schoolwork, 116 00:04:13,879 --> 00:04:16,131 public erections. 117 00:04:16,882 --> 00:04:20,260 And for every letter he sent, Michael Keaton sent one back. 118 00:04:20,344 --> 00:04:22,012 JESS: Was Winston's version shorter? 119 00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:25,724 NICK: Then one day, that tubby goon went off to college. 120 00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:29,394 So Mrs. Schmidt unloaded the secret on her son's only friend, 121 00:04:29,478 --> 00:04:31,647 a man named me. It was me. 122 00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:33,482 JESS: Yeah, I got that. NICK: Really? People don't... 123 00:04:33,565 --> 00:04:35,234 JESS: No, I got it. 124 00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:36,610 NICK: College proved tough for Schmidt, 125 00:04:36,693 --> 00:04:38,320 and old patterns soon returned. 126 00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:40,072 (CRYING) 127 00:04:40,155 --> 00:04:44,159 It became impossible to study, and I knew what I had to do. 128 00:04:44,243 --> 00:04:45,452 And again... 129 00:04:45,536 --> 00:04:47,037 -COMPUTER: New message. -...it worked. 130 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,331 With Keaton in his corner, he pulled himself away 131 00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:50,624 from that bag of turkey 132 00:04:50,707 --> 00:04:52,626 -and became a man. -One... 133 00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:54,503 He lost five pounds, 134 00:04:54,586 --> 00:04:56,296 gained confidence with women 135 00:04:57,631 --> 00:05:00,467 and he saw the hit movie Multiplicity 136 00:05:00,551 --> 00:05:02,678 -25 times. -Oh, my God. 137 00:05:02,761 --> 00:05:04,346 You've been catfishing Schmidt. 138 00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:06,431 Do you think we could use this whole Michael Keaton thing 139 00:05:06,515 --> 00:05:08,517 -to turn Schmidt around? -Absolutely. 140 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:09,643 -Great! -But I won't do it. 141 00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:10,727 Why not? 142 00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:12,437 Because I put it to bed, okay? 143 00:05:12,521 --> 00:05:13,522 It's over. 144 00:05:13,605 --> 00:05:15,065 He'll do anything Keaton says. 145 00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:16,859 The letters are too powerful. 146 00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:18,694 I'm lying to my best friend. 147 00:05:18,777 --> 00:05:19,987 And I also feel like I'm betraying 148 00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:22,114 the real Keaton, who I really love. 149 00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:24,366 Well, then why did you tell me that whole story, Nick? 150 00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:26,702 Because it's a great story, and I'm a teller of stories. 151 00:05:26,785 --> 00:05:28,996 But I won't do it. Sorry. 152 00:05:29,079 --> 00:05:30,789 You think you tell that story better than me? 153 00:05:30,873 --> 00:05:32,666 Look, you leave out way too many details, man. 154 00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:35,002 You don't just say he was chewing a candy bar. 155 00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:37,588 You say he was chewing on a nougat-y candy bar. 156 00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,673 NICK: That's not the kind of writer I am. 157 00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:40,966 I don't say words like "nougat-y." 158 00:05:41,049 --> 00:05:43,343 I'm simple. I'm like Hemingway. 159 00:05:54,605 --> 00:05:57,566 -Hey, Cece. -Oh, hey. 160 00:05:57,649 --> 00:05:59,818 I came to find out if you're coming to my party today. 161 00:05:59,902 --> 00:06:01,403 You never answered my e-mail. 162 00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:03,614 Yeah, I meant to, uh, to tell you I can't make it. 163 00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:05,199 Sorry. Um... 164 00:06:05,282 --> 00:06:07,534 I've been going out drinking a lot lately. 165 00:06:07,618 --> 00:06:09,328 It's kind of wiping me out. 166 00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:13,290 Please come to my party, Cece. 167 00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:14,750 It's Schmidt, you know? 168 00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:16,960 -I don't think I'm ready for that, so... -Yeah. 169 00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:20,464 What if I could promise you Schmidt wouldn't be there? 170 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,430 Who wants candy? 171 00:06:28,514 --> 00:06:30,057 -Did you go trick-or-treating? -No. 172 00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:31,725 I was out, I had my errand tote, 173 00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:33,519 and a couple of neighbors gave me candy. 174 00:06:33,602 --> 00:06:35,187 Is that trick-or-treating? 175 00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:37,189 Yes, that's the definition of trick-or-treating, Jess. 176 00:06:37,272 --> 00:06:39,942 Hello! Uh, Jess, I'd like you to know that I've changed my mind, 177 00:06:40,025 --> 00:06:42,069 and I won't be coming to your party tonight. 178 00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:45,531 I've been e-mailing with an old friend of mine, and he made me 179 00:06:45,614 --> 00:06:47,449 realize that I should give Cece her space. 180 00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:48,534 An old friend, huh? 181 00:06:48,617 --> 00:06:50,327 Well, Nick knows. You know, I don't like 182 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:51,495 to throw his name around 183 00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:52,913 because I don't like people treating me 184 00:06:52,996 --> 00:06:54,748 any differently, but... It's Michael Keaton. 185 00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:57,543 What? (LAUGHS) 186 00:06:57,626 --> 00:06:59,878 Uh, okay. Calm down. 187 00:06:59,962 --> 00:07:01,964 The actor? (CHUCKLING) 188 00:07:02,047 --> 00:07:04,758 Seriously, you guys. Don't treat me any different. 189 00:07:04,842 --> 00:07:06,176 He's kind of my friend. Michael Keaton. 190 00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:07,511 There was one time he e-mailed me. 191 00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:08,887 He said he was my best friend. 192 00:07:08,971 --> 00:07:11,014 Anyway, we have so much catching up to do, 193 00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:12,516 me and Michael, so just enjoy the night. 194 00:07:12,599 --> 00:07:15,185 -That's crazy, Schmidt. -Ah, man. 195 00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:17,771 (QUIETLY) What did you do? 196 00:07:17,855 --> 00:07:19,147 Jessica damn Day. 197 00:07:19,231 --> 00:07:21,024 I just got Schmidt to not come to the party. 198 00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:23,443 Keaton hasn't written Schmidt in three years. 199 00:07:23,527 --> 00:07:26,113 We have no idea how Schmidt is gonna react. 200 00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:27,531 If Schmidt finds out Keaton isn't real, 201 00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,992 it'll destroy the entire life he has built around him. 202 00:07:30,075 --> 00:07:32,411 We are talking about a Truman Show situation. 203 00:07:32,494 --> 00:07:33,579 Oh, yeah, I love that movie. 204 00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:35,122 What part are you talking about? 205 00:07:35,205 --> 00:07:37,249 Well, I'm talking about the part in the movie 206 00:07:37,332 --> 00:07:40,043 when Truman realizes that his whole life is a lie, 207 00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:41,587 and then he goes crazy. 208 00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:44,548 Yeah, yeah, yeah, right there in the middle of the movie. 209 00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:46,049 No, it's the whole movie. 210 00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,718 Oh, yeah, I know, I was just... 'Cause there's the one... 211 00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:49,052 -There's like a scene. -You haven't seen it. 212 00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:51,138 He didn't see the movie. Okay, guys, 213 00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:52,848 he almost found out once. 214 00:07:52,931 --> 00:07:54,725 Now, luckily, I handled it. 215 00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,518 I don't understand. 216 00:07:56,602 --> 00:07:57,936 In 1995, he told me specifically 217 00:07:58,020 --> 00:08:00,731 that he had never been to Nicaragua. 218 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:03,150 -It doesn't make any sense. -Ahhh! 219 00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:04,818 You have no idea what you've done. 220 00:08:04,902 --> 00:08:06,195 Hey, uh, 221 00:08:06,278 --> 00:08:07,571 you guys, do you think that it's too early 222 00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:08,822 to e-mail Michael back? 223 00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:10,407 Should I send him an e-card? 224 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,534 Does that change anything, or does that change everything? 225 00:08:12,618 --> 00:08:14,161 -I think you're overthinking it. -You know what? 226 00:08:14,244 --> 00:08:15,621 -You're right. You're right. -Be cool. 227 00:08:15,704 --> 00:08:17,873 -I think I'm way to up here, all upstairs. -JESS: Yeah. 228 00:08:17,956 --> 00:08:19,625 Got to bring it down. Here to here. 229 00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:21,960 Not any lower, though. It's not like that. 230 00:08:22,044 --> 00:08:24,421 -I know it's not. -Bro, it's not like that. 231 00:08:24,505 --> 00:08:26,048 -No one thinks it is, bro. -Cool. 232 00:08:26,131 --> 00:08:27,883 (CHUCKLING) All right. 233 00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:29,593 He's already getting weird. 234 00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:30,677 -Here. -No, Je... 235 00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:34,181 You... Come to the master. 236 00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:36,183 -(TYPING) -What are you writing? 237 00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:38,185 (LAPTOP PLAYS WHOOSHING TONE) 238 00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:40,103 I fixed it again. 239 00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:41,188 You're welcome again. 240 00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:43,106 So you just wrote from Keaton, 241 00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,067 "I'm going on vacation"? 242 00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:47,486 -(ELECTRONIC CHIMING) -He would never write that, Jess. 243 00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:49,321 -Why not? -SCHMIDT: Vacation? 244 00:08:49,404 --> 00:08:52,282 Oh, Michael, you... Stop going away. 245 00:08:53,075 --> 00:08:54,743 NICK: I knew this would happen. 246 00:08:56,662 --> 00:08:57,829 Hey, Schmidt. 247 00:08:57,913 --> 00:08:58,997 Schmidty. 248 00:08:59,081 --> 00:09:00,916 He left me again. 249 00:09:00,999 --> 00:09:03,126 It makes sense. 250 00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:04,628 Why would a guy like Michael Keaton 251 00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:06,255 be friends with me anyway? 252 00:09:06,338 --> 00:09:08,632 I'm sure he likes you a lot, Schmidt. 253 00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:09,758 Why would he? 254 00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:11,468 I guess I'll just always be 255 00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:14,763 the fat boy who eats fat-boy cheese. 256 00:09:20,352 --> 00:09:22,479 (SCHMIDT WHIMPERING) 257 00:09:23,772 --> 00:09:25,691 I didn't want to have to do this. 258 00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:29,862 JESS: Oh, is that really necessary, Nick? 259 00:09:29,945 --> 00:09:31,697 -Shh. -What? 260 00:09:31,780 --> 00:09:32,906 Let him work. 261 00:09:32,990 --> 00:09:34,157 I'm kind of like his Robin. 262 00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:35,242 You're not like my Robin. 263 00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:36,451 You want to be Robin? 264 00:09:36,535 --> 00:09:37,703 He doesn't have all the responsibilities 265 00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:39,371 of Batman, but he can take some of the glory. 266 00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:40,914 -Robin's a joke. -Robin's the joke. 267 00:09:40,998 --> 00:09:42,541 I think we can all agree. 268 00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:44,334 The kids look up to him, you know, in the community. 269 00:09:44,418 --> 00:09:46,545 I haven't been inside Keaton's mind in a long time, 270 00:09:46,628 --> 00:09:49,047 and I need my proper inspiration. 271 00:09:49,131 --> 00:09:50,382 Thank you. 272 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,551 Why do you have a picture of a bear? 273 00:09:52,634 --> 00:09:56,138 The great Michael Keaton attacks each new role 274 00:09:56,221 --> 00:09:58,891 with the ferocity of a hungry brown bear. 275 00:09:58,974 --> 00:10:01,810 It is his entire acting philosophy, 276 00:10:01,894 --> 00:10:03,896 which I totally made up. 277 00:10:03,979 --> 00:10:05,147 I sleep with this person. 278 00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:07,024 Speak to me, Keaton. 279 00:10:08,692 --> 00:10:10,194 Mmm. 280 00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:11,612 Here we go. 281 00:10:11,695 --> 00:10:14,156 (TYPING) 282 00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:16,200 (WHOOSH) 283 00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:18,035 Oh, hey, Nick, that's incredible. 284 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:22,206 "Courage is not the absence of fear but the triumph over it"? 285 00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:24,374 Yes, I stole that from Nelson Mandela. 286 00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:27,211 I added the part about the Penguin and the Riddler. 287 00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:29,254 (PHONE CHIMES) 288 00:10:30,422 --> 00:10:31,673 Oh. All right. 289 00:10:31,757 --> 00:10:33,425 -(WHOOSHING TONE) -(LAPTOP CHIMES) 290 00:10:33,509 --> 00:10:35,052 Is that him? Did it work? 291 00:10:35,928 --> 00:10:38,013 He wrote back smiley face. 292 00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:41,308 -He wrote back smiley face. -He wrote back smiley face. 293 00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:43,810 (KNOCKING) 294 00:10:45,354 --> 00:10:47,356 ALL: Trick or treat! 295 00:10:47,439 --> 00:10:48,690 Oh, how adorable. 296 00:10:48,774 --> 00:10:50,108 You know, I just got a treat, too. 297 00:10:50,192 --> 00:10:51,693 It's not candy. I'm not a... 298 00:10:51,777 --> 00:10:53,820 Not a dumb little baby like all of you. 299 00:10:53,904 --> 00:10:56,615 "Happy Hallow's Eve." (CHUCKLES) 300 00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:58,700 -And send. -(WHOOSHES) 301 00:10:58,784 --> 00:11:00,035 (ELECTRONIC CHIME IN DISTANCE) 302 00:11:00,118 --> 00:11:01,620 Just give us our candy. 303 00:11:01,703 --> 00:11:04,122 Hush, little boy. 304 00:11:05,082 --> 00:11:06,083 (WHOOSHES) 305 00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:07,751 (ELECTRONIC CHIME) 306 00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:09,837 (WHOOSHES) 307 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:11,588 -(ELECTRONIC CHIME) -He wrote back. 308 00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,132 -"Hi." -Okay, I got this. 309 00:11:14,216 --> 00:11:16,260 "Speak to me, old chum. 310 00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:19,137 "I canceled my trip to provide earthquake relief. Oh. 311 00:11:19,221 --> 00:11:20,722 -"This seemed more important." -WINSTON: Boom. 312 00:11:20,806 --> 00:11:22,391 JESS: That's so good. NICK: Yeah, it's pretty good. 313 00:11:22,474 --> 00:11:24,059 JESS: You really have the Keaton voice down. 314 00:11:24,142 --> 00:11:26,144 NICK: "You're a friend for life." 315 00:11:26,228 --> 00:11:28,105 JESS: That's good. NICK: "M.K." 316 00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:29,356 -I think that's good. -I think that's 317 00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:31,149 -really good, actually. -JESS: Yeah. 318 00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:36,029 Hi. Welcome. Happy Halloween. 319 00:11:36,113 --> 00:11:37,614 Drinks are over there. 320 00:11:37,698 --> 00:11:40,325 -Hey. -Hi. 321 00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,202 What are you supposed to be? 322 00:11:42,286 --> 00:11:44,162 I'm Joey Ramona Quimby. 323 00:11:44,246 --> 00:11:45,455 I don't get it. 324 00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:50,002 Joey Ramone-a Quimby. 325 00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:51,962 (LAUGHS) 326 00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,380 What are you? You look like 327 00:11:53,463 --> 00:11:55,174 you're just wearing trash from your car. 328 00:11:55,257 --> 00:11:56,425 No, I'm not. 329 00:11:56,508 --> 00:11:58,802 I'm the Paper Mountain Trash King... 330 00:11:58,886 --> 00:12:00,554 I just got trash from my car. 331 00:12:00,637 --> 00:12:03,182 And now the man who once played center for the New York Knicks 332 00:12:03,265 --> 00:12:06,435 in the nude, David Letterman! 333 00:12:06,518 --> 00:12:07,811 -That is a terrible Letterman. -Really? 334 00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:10,814 People at work tell me I look just like Dave. 335 00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:12,608 You look just like Letterman. 336 00:12:12,691 --> 00:12:15,402 You know, I have always thought that. 337 00:12:15,485 --> 00:12:17,779 What, uh, what... Uh, Nick, Nick Miller. 338 00:12:17,863 --> 00:12:18,947 So you a, uh... 339 00:12:19,615 --> 00:12:20,616 You're a... 340 00:12:20,699 --> 00:12:22,659 (GIGGLING) 341 00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:24,411 -What is that? -That's... That's his laugh. 342 00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:25,579 -He's never done that. -That's his laugh. 343 00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:26,663 (BOTH LAUGH) 344 00:12:26,747 --> 00:12:28,999 SCHMIDT: Do you like my costume? 345 00:12:30,542 --> 00:12:33,003 I'm a public serpent. 346 00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:34,796 Um, I thought you weren't coming. 347 00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:36,131 Oh, I changed my mind. 348 00:12:36,215 --> 00:12:39,218 You know, I reread a few of Keaton's e-mails. 349 00:12:39,301 --> 00:12:40,552 He can be quite cryptic. 350 00:12:40,636 --> 00:12:42,429 I think what he meant when he said that life 351 00:12:42,513 --> 00:12:46,099 was meaningful was really, "Go to the party." 352 00:12:46,183 --> 00:12:47,601 I'm pretty sure he didn't mean that. 353 00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:49,853 I know Keaton best. Hey, Winston, 354 00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:52,231 by the way, great costume. 355 00:12:52,314 --> 00:12:53,482 Maya Angelou. 356 00:12:54,775 --> 00:12:55,943 Crap. What am I gonna do? 357 00:12:56,026 --> 00:12:57,361 Cece's on her way. 358 00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:59,696 Schmidt is rereading e-mails. 359 00:12:59,780 --> 00:13:01,156 Do you know what happens after rereading? 360 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:03,492 Figuring it out. It's The Truman Show. 361 00:13:03,575 --> 00:13:05,452 Truman Show, man, I love that movie. 362 00:13:05,536 --> 00:13:06,703 I'm not convinced you've ever seen it. 363 00:13:06,787 --> 00:13:09,081 I have. It's about the Civil War. 364 00:13:09,164 --> 00:13:10,249 -Batcave? -Go, go, go, go, go, 365 00:13:10,332 --> 00:13:11,542 -go, go, go. -Go, go, go. 366 00:13:14,253 --> 00:13:15,712 Winston, go to Cece's and stall. 367 00:13:15,796 --> 00:13:17,548 Okay, fine, but I got to hit the little 368 00:13:17,631 --> 00:13:19,883 King of the Late Night Talk Show's room first. 369 00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:22,469 Maybe slow down on that. You're not great with booze. 370 00:13:22,553 --> 00:13:24,054 -Hey, I got it, I got it. -You got it? Good. 371 00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:25,472 Um, "You're in grave danger. 372 00:13:25,556 --> 00:13:26,557 "Leave where you are immediately." 373 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:27,933 -Send. -Okay. Don't! 374 00:13:28,016 --> 00:13:29,560 -You just sent that? -Yeah. 375 00:13:29,643 --> 00:13:31,478 A team has to talk about a decision before you hit send. 376 00:13:31,562 --> 00:13:33,480 JESS: Sorry. I thought it was a really good move. 377 00:13:33,564 --> 00:13:35,607 -Trick or treat. -Shh. 378 00:13:35,691 --> 00:13:37,568 NICK: All right, you got to fix this. 379 00:13:37,651 --> 00:13:40,320 I'll meet you at your building in 30 minutes. 380 00:13:40,404 --> 00:13:41,697 -Terrible! -Send. 381 00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:43,365 -No! -What? 382 00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:44,700 Now what are we gonna do? 383 00:13:44,783 --> 00:13:45,826 You told him Keaton was coming here? 384 00:13:45,909 --> 00:13:47,619 -No, Nick. -Are you out of your mind? 385 00:13:47,703 --> 00:13:49,037 It's a stall! It's a stall 386 00:13:49,121 --> 00:13:51,707 -until we can come up with a better plan. -(KNOCKING) 387 00:13:51,790 --> 00:13:53,917 -Well, who the hell is that? -I don't know. 388 00:13:54,001 --> 00:13:56,211 KIDS: Trick or treat! 389 00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:58,964 You. 390 00:14:00,799 --> 00:14:02,718 I don't get what you're doing! 391 00:14:02,801 --> 00:14:04,636 Are you drunk? 392 00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:07,014 A little. 393 00:14:07,097 --> 00:14:08,348 What's your endgame here? 394 00:14:08,432 --> 00:14:09,558 It's Halloween night. 395 00:14:09,641 --> 00:14:11,310 This is the night when anyone 396 00:14:11,393 --> 00:14:12,686 can dress up in a costume 397 00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:14,646 and be anybody that they want. 398 00:14:14,730 --> 00:14:18,317 Would you listen to your woman voice for one second? 399 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:19,735 Oh, you think I'm gonna talk to him 400 00:14:19,818 --> 00:14:21,153 in a woman voice when I'm talking to him? 401 00:14:21,236 --> 00:14:22,613 No, I have a character. 402 00:14:22,696 --> 00:14:25,115 You're doing a character? Well, I'd love to hear it. 403 00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:27,701 (IN DEEP VOICE) I'm the Batman. 404 00:14:27,784 --> 00:14:29,912 -(LAUGHING) Oh. -Right? 405 00:14:29,995 --> 00:14:30,996 So good. 406 00:14:31,079 --> 00:14:33,123 What, am I in the movie theater, eating popcorn? 407 00:14:34,625 --> 00:14:36,627 Jess, you're also 5'4". 408 00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:38,629 Keep going further away. The further you're away, 409 00:14:38,712 --> 00:14:40,756 the bigger you look. I would say run a little bit. 410 00:14:40,839 --> 00:14:43,217 -SCHMIDT: Nick! -Jess, go! Go... 411 00:14:43,300 --> 00:14:45,135 -Hey. Uh, Nick. -Hey. 412 00:14:45,219 --> 00:14:48,013 By chance, have you seen anyone famous in the vicinity? 413 00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:51,350 This vicinity? Famous? Like, um... 414 00:14:51,433 --> 00:14:54,102 -Look that way. -What? 415 00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:00,442 -Oh, my God. -Yeah, it's unbelievable. 416 00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:04,571 -Well, it's my hero. -Yeah. 417 00:15:04,655 --> 00:15:06,198 SCHMIDT: That is Michael Keaton. 418 00:15:06,281 --> 00:15:07,824 Right there. 419 00:15:07,908 --> 00:15:09,701 SCHMIDT: Why is he wearing 420 00:15:09,785 --> 00:15:11,828 his costume from the movie he did 24 years ago? 421 00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:14,164 NICK: If he wore the outfit from Clean and Sober, 422 00:15:14,248 --> 00:15:15,290 you wouldn't recognize him. 423 00:15:15,374 --> 00:15:16,583 I'm the Batman. 424 00:15:16,667 --> 00:15:18,085 It's Halloween. Don't overthink it. 425 00:15:18,168 --> 00:15:19,837 Well, you saw him. There he is. Let's get out of here. 426 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:21,129 I have to meet him, Nick. I have to. 427 00:15:21,213 --> 00:15:22,756 No, you don't have to meet him. No, no, no... 428 00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:24,758 You're a great kid, Sch... You're a great kid, Schmidt. 429 00:15:24,842 --> 00:15:27,010 Let me take you out to eat. I want to buy you something 430 00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:29,054 -'cause you met your hero. -Go to an all-night diner. 431 00:15:29,137 --> 00:15:31,515 -No, I have to meet... Got to meet him. -He's got to... 432 00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:33,100 -It's Michael Keaton! -Go get a blintz or two! 433 00:15:33,183 --> 00:15:34,476 Argh! 434 00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:35,811 Michael! It's me, Schmidt. 435 00:15:35,894 --> 00:15:37,813 See you later, Michael! Take off! 436 00:15:37,896 --> 00:15:39,273 We have so much to talk about. 437 00:15:39,356 --> 00:15:40,983 Our heroes are never who we want them to be! 438 00:15:41,066 --> 00:15:42,484 Oh. 439 00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:46,071 Oh. You met him. 440 00:15:46,154 --> 00:15:47,531 It's Keaton. 441 00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:49,116 Come on, you guys. I know. 442 00:15:50,492 --> 00:15:52,828 I've known the whole time. What, do you think I'm stupid? 443 00:15:52,911 --> 00:15:54,204 No. It just... I... 444 00:15:54,288 --> 00:15:56,206 Just don't really know what to say in this situation. 445 00:15:56,290 --> 00:15:58,542 Look, please don't blame Nick. It's not his fault. 446 00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,919 You should be ashamed of yourselves. 447 00:16:01,003 --> 00:16:03,630 How dare you hack into the private e-mail account 448 00:16:03,714 --> 00:16:06,758 of one of our nation's finest actors! 449 00:16:07,885 --> 00:16:10,345 I'm gonna have to tell Michael about this. 450 00:16:10,429 --> 00:16:12,389 No! No! 451 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,474 No, don't tell Michael! 452 00:16:14,558 --> 00:16:16,101 Jess, please stop. 453 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:19,313 Thank you for what you're trying to do, but it's over. 454 00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:21,106 It has to be over. 455 00:16:22,524 --> 00:16:26,361 -Schmidt, I'm Michael Keaton. -Huh? 456 00:16:27,738 --> 00:16:29,531 I'm the owner of the e-mail address 457 00:16:29,615 --> 00:16:32,034 KeatonPotatoes@aol.com. 458 00:16:32,618 --> 00:16:33,911 What? 459 00:16:34,870 --> 00:16:39,291 -It was me the whole time. -No. 460 00:16:39,625 --> 00:16:41,543 -No, you can't... -How do you think 461 00:16:41,627 --> 00:16:43,921 I know that you kissed the bus driver at spring break? 462 00:16:44,004 --> 00:16:46,882 Or that you want to open up 463 00:16:46,965 --> 00:16:48,509 a glassware boutique in Connecticut? 464 00:16:48,592 --> 00:16:51,678 -Or about the wall hole? -This is impossible! I've been... 465 00:16:51,762 --> 00:16:53,889 I've been writing with Michael Keaton since I was a kid! 466 00:16:53,972 --> 00:16:56,141 Your mother came up with the idea, Schmidt. 467 00:16:56,225 --> 00:16:59,144 But since college, it's been me. 468 00:16:59,228 --> 00:17:01,271 My mom? You're gonna tell me 469 00:17:01,355 --> 00:17:03,690 that my mom helped me with my public erections? 470 00:17:03,774 --> 00:17:04,942 I drew pictures! 471 00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:07,861 He didn't want you to find out this way. 472 00:17:10,906 --> 00:17:13,158 WINSTON: Hey. 473 00:17:15,536 --> 00:17:17,621 -I got to go. -Wait. Schmidt! 474 00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:18,747 Oh! 475 00:17:18,830 --> 00:17:20,290 Oh, I'm so, so sorry. Uh... 476 00:17:20,374 --> 00:17:21,375 A bully! Get him! 477 00:17:21,458 --> 00:17:22,876 Oh! Oh! 478 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:24,294 -Come on. Hey, kids, get out of here! -(GROANING) 479 00:17:24,378 --> 00:17:27,589 -Scat! Scat! (HISSING) -Back off! 480 00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:33,178 Cece, wait. I swear, I did not know 481 00:17:33,262 --> 00:17:35,806 he was gonna be here. I'm so sorry. 482 00:17:35,889 --> 00:17:37,808 No, Jess. It's... It's fine. Okay, it's fine. 483 00:17:37,891 --> 00:17:41,770 In fact. it's actually kind of perfect. 484 00:17:41,854 --> 00:17:44,439 I think, since this whole thing went down, 485 00:17:44,523 --> 00:17:46,316 I've just been running away. 486 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:50,737 You know, I mean, actually seeing Schmidt, I... 487 00:17:50,821 --> 00:17:54,032 I finally feel like I have some closure. 488 00:17:54,116 --> 00:17:55,951 Well, good. I'm glad. 489 00:17:56,034 --> 00:17:58,120 You deserve some. 490 00:18:00,205 --> 00:18:03,125 So let's fire up the Batman Mobile, go to a taco stand... 491 00:18:03,208 --> 00:18:05,794 -Mmm. -...and eat some feelings, okay? 492 00:18:05,878 --> 00:18:08,255 Okay, I just... I think it's Batmobile. 493 00:18:08,338 --> 00:18:09,548 Batman Mobile. 494 00:18:09,631 --> 00:18:11,341 No. Batmobile. 495 00:18:11,425 --> 00:18:13,802 That's what I said... Batman Mobile. 496 00:18:13,886 --> 00:18:15,846 You're putting the man... There's no man. It's just Bat... 497 00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:17,806 -Batman Mobile. Batman Mobile. -...mobile. 498 00:18:17,890 --> 00:18:19,975 -Batmobile. Drop the man. -Bat... Yeah. 499 00:18:20,058 --> 00:18:21,560 Batman Mobile. 500 00:18:21,643 --> 00:18:23,812 Batmobile. 501 00:18:23,896 --> 00:18:25,314 Batmo-mobile. 502 00:18:26,064 --> 00:18:28,358 So it was you who helped me 503 00:18:28,442 --> 00:18:30,611 through my first breakup with Elizabeth? 504 00:18:30,694 --> 00:18:32,654 Yeah, Schmidt. 505 00:18:33,030 --> 00:18:36,783 And it was you, not Keaton, who told me 506 00:18:36,867 --> 00:18:39,453 that women aren't attracted to men who wear maternity pants? 507 00:18:39,536 --> 00:18:42,623 Yes, but that one I feel like I shouldn't have had to. 508 00:18:42,706 --> 00:18:45,167 They're unbelievably comfortable. 509 00:18:45,334 --> 00:18:47,544 What about that time that we saw Michael Keaton 510 00:18:47,711 --> 00:18:51,548 at that deli, and he stopped, and he winked? 511 00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:53,967 Honestly, I can't explain that one. 512 00:18:54,051 --> 00:18:56,261 It was just the weirdest day of my whole life. 513 00:18:57,137 --> 00:18:59,056 My friend Michael. 514 00:18:59,932 --> 00:19:05,187 Oh, Schmidt, look, I know this is hard, okay? 515 00:19:05,270 --> 00:19:08,106 But honestly, I was just trying to help. 516 00:19:09,066 --> 00:19:11,985 You don't need Keaton. You got me. 517 00:19:12,069 --> 00:19:13,862 (SHUDDERS) 518 00:19:14,988 --> 00:19:16,990 -What was that? -I'm so sorry. 519 00:19:17,074 --> 00:19:19,660 -Why would you say something like that? -Because I hurt you, 520 00:19:19,743 --> 00:19:22,287 and I've been wanting to fix this for years. 521 00:19:22,371 --> 00:19:25,165 The end of a high school football movie? 522 00:19:25,290 --> 00:19:28,544 I'm really sorry I pretended to be Keaton for the last 12 years. 523 00:19:28,627 --> 00:19:30,420 It's super weird. 524 00:19:31,296 --> 00:19:33,423 Are we good? 525 00:19:34,883 --> 00:19:37,928 Yeah. We're good. 526 00:19:46,562 --> 00:19:49,314 Well, Nicholas, I came to a decision last night. 527 00:19:49,398 --> 00:19:50,774 I'm entering a new chapter in my life, 528 00:19:50,858 --> 00:19:52,734 and I think it best that I do it alone. 529 00:19:52,818 --> 00:19:54,403 You're going to one of those weekend spas again, buddy? 530 00:19:54,486 --> 00:19:55,487 No. 531 00:19:55,571 --> 00:19:57,614 In the famous words of singer-songwriter Billy Joel... 532 00:19:57,698 --> 00:19:58,740 -Don't do this. -I'm moving out. 533 00:19:58,824 --> 00:19:59,825 You're the worst. 534 00:20:00,284 --> 00:20:01,785 Schmidt, I thought you said we were good. 535 00:20:01,869 --> 00:20:03,328 No, we're great, but I'm going. 536 00:20:03,412 --> 00:20:04,413 Two separate things. 537 00:20:04,496 --> 00:20:07,165 I made the call this morning. I got a new place. I'm out. 538 00:20:07,249 --> 00:20:09,585 -You're not going anywhere. -I'm going. 539 00:20:09,668 --> 00:20:12,462 Goodness, uh, I think somebody had sex in my bedroom last night. 540 00:20:12,713 --> 00:20:14,339 I think that because they're still in there 541 00:20:14,423 --> 00:20:16,091 -having sex, I think. -Ugh! 542 00:20:17,217 --> 00:20:19,136 Hey, Schmidt. You going to a weekend spa again? 543 00:20:19,219 --> 00:20:21,889 -No. Striking out on my own. -Wait. What? 544 00:20:21,972 --> 00:20:23,807 You're moving out? He's not moving out, is he? 545 00:20:23,891 --> 00:20:25,309 Schmidt, you can't move out. Who's gonna do my fades? 546 00:20:25,392 --> 00:20:26,476 Yeah, who's gonna do his fades? 547 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:27,686 (SIGHS) 548 00:20:29,313 --> 00:20:30,647 Believe this is mine. 549 00:20:32,524 --> 00:20:34,860 Well, I bid you all adieu. 550 00:20:34,943 --> 00:20:36,570 -Stop it, Schmidt. -Are you serious? 551 00:20:36,820 --> 00:20:38,155 -Schmidt, come on. -Come on. 552 00:20:38,322 --> 00:20:39,948 -Seriously? -Come on! Stop with the show! 553 00:20:40,032 --> 00:20:42,326 JESS: You can't even fit all your socks in that suitcase. 554 00:20:42,618 --> 00:20:44,411 Get your last looks, 'cause who knows when 555 00:20:44,494 --> 00:20:45,871 we'll see each other again? 556 00:20:46,914 --> 00:20:48,457 Or where. 557 00:20:55,088 --> 00:20:56,215 JESS: Wait. 558 00:20:56,298 --> 00:20:58,634 You're just moving in across the hall? 559 00:20:58,717 --> 00:21:00,677 I can't hear you 'cause I'm gone. 560 00:21:00,761 --> 00:21:02,679 NICK: Schmidt, it would take me longer to walk from the kitchen 561 00:21:02,763 --> 00:21:05,933 to the bathroom than it would from here to where you are. 562 00:21:06,016 --> 00:21:08,143 Oh, you are kidding me. 563 00:21:08,602 --> 00:21:10,979 -I can see your feet! -Me, too. 564 00:21:11,063 --> 00:21:12,064 SCHMIDT: Shut up. 565 00:21:12,147 --> 00:21:13,815 (LAUGHING) The guy's an idiot. 566 00:21:14,650 --> 00:21:16,944 JESS: See you tomorrow, Schmidt. 567 00:21:17,027 --> 00:21:21,323 (WHOOPS) I'm alone. I'm alone! 568 00:21:21,406 --> 00:21:22,908 I'm alone. 569 00:21:22,991 --> 00:21:24,284 I'm alone. 570 00:21:29,456 --> 00:21:32,543 Score. Touch... Score. 571 00:21:32,626 --> 00:21:36,046 (LAUGHS) Yeah. Shut up, Winston. 572 00:21:36,171 --> 00:21:37,881 Stupid jerk! 41775

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