All language subtitles for New.Girl.S03E04.The.Captain.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-MiU_track4_[eng]

(BOTH MOANING)

-That is how you have sex, America.
-Yeah.

Yeah.

What's happening here
is amazing.

-(SIGHS)
-Like, I want

to film it, but I don't want to film it
'cause that would be porn.

And that time
I think I figured out

what that thing
underneath the thing was.

-Yeah, you did.
-And whoa, right?

Yeah, whoa.

Hey, should we take a break and,
like, talk about our childhoods

or something?
You know, get in there,

get into it,
get into each other's heads.

Dreams, thoughts,
fears, feelings.

If-- yeah-- I mean...

-(GROANS)
-No?

I'm gonna throw a curveball.

I'm gonna go banana it

and then I'll be ready
for round two.

Define "banana it."

-Eat a banana?
-(LAUGHING) Oh, good.

I was worried
for a second.

(NICK AND JESS LAUGHING)
Oh, what are Nick and Jess doing in there,

and how is it
this loud?

Nick's body
is so soft, it should absorb sound.

They're just getting warmed up,
Schmidt.

It's a whole new ball game
around here.

You, see, you wouldn't know that

'cause you haven't
been here in weeks,

but now that you're single,

yeah, you got to
deal with this, too.

Dumped by two women in
the same day, Schmidt,

that has got
to be a record, man.

I get it, all right?
I lost two perfect women,

but I'm fine with it, all right?
I'm fine.

You know, you could've been
perfectly happy with either

one of them,
but now you're by yourself.

Winston, I'm fine. Please.

-That really has to hurt.
-This is my home, too.

I shouldn't have to be faced
with their stupid,

happy relationship
everywhere I look.

This is going to stop, Winston,

and I'm gonna stop it.

Well, my advice to you
is to stay in your foxhole,

keep your head down and invest
in one of these babies.

Watch your butt, Furguson.

This is my survival kit.
Check this out, man.

Blindfold.

Got this bell wrapped
around my neck

so he can hear when I'm coming.

Every couple has a weakness.
Kate and Will,

I could break them up
with one e-mail.

Oh, look at that,
look at the royal baby now,

living with slutty Aunt Pippa.

I'm telling you,
they're bulletproof.

(LAUGHING)

I'm sorry, um,

I have to show Nick something
in the bathroom.

Yeah, it's tiles.

(GIGGLING)

I'm so bad at lying.

It's for sex.

Oh, go! Go make love
in our communal shower.

Enjoy it now,
you little bunnies.

What?

Want to see a magic trick?

Who's that girl?
Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?
It's Jess.

I like your chewing face.

It's just food.

Yeah, that's all it is,
okay, people?

I know it's super annoying
to be around a couple.

Not me at all, it's him.

-(MEOWING)
-Who-- Oh.

Look at him.

Yeah, we had a tough day today

at the V-E-T.

Yeah, he said he's
gonna have to get...

It rhymes with "fleutered."

The word is neutered.

Cats don't speak English.

Furguson's never gonna
experience actual,

physical lovemaking.

Do you think you're
a little too into your cat?

He should be out there,
just getting all crazy,

getting his freak on.

(SIGHS) I feel bad, man,
I don't know what to do.

Let's try to help we got
three smart people here.

We all know we got to get
Furguson laid, right? Right.

Cat bachelor party.

-That's right.
-What do you think?

Yeah, get some little
cat strippers.

NICK:
Big booty cats, little booty cats.

(LAUGHING)
Some tabbies.

-Some black ones, some white ones.
-Yeah.

We'll mix it up. Get us a couple
Siamese, get weird with it.

-Yeah.
-Get him laid?

-You know we're kidding?
-We're kidding.

Sure, sure, sure, sure.

Gotcha.

(WHISPERS)
It's happening.

(MEOWING)

Oh, look,

it's you and you.

Is that a cake?

Why do you have a sheet cake?

Don't eat the cake, Jess.

What is that?

Like, vanilla and vanilla?

I just wanted to wish you guys

a happy one-month anniversary.

Hip hip.

You said you wanted
to break us up.

You said you didn't care
if it took your whole life.

Look, I understand
that I'm not exactly

your favorite person right now,

but I didn't want a milestone
in your relationship like this

to... to go uncelebrated.

You're really great together.

I don't trust him.

I know, it's Schmidt
we're talking about.

After he saw the movie Titanic,

he started
the Billy Zane fan club.

-What?
-Look it up. They're called the Zaniacs.

Why does that make me angrier
than anything he's ever done?

-I will handle this.
-Okay.

-And I'm gonna test this cake
-I'll handle this.

because I'm so mad at Schmidt.

Hey, dummy,
why'd you get us that cake?

Come on, man,
I'm just happy for you.

Looking at a, a month?

A big month, man.

How many relationships
have you had

that have lasted
more than a month?

I don't know, some.

Probably very few,
probably very, very few, right?

I mean, you think
it's less than two?

One, it's Caroline, you know.

One? Are you kidding me, man?

It's insane, that's so few,

but I guess you only need one,
right, the one. Too soon?

I'm really happy, Schmidt.
You should be, man.

Look at you, you're like
a different guy.

Usually at this point,

you're overthinking and anxious

and panicky and overthinking
and overthinking

and distant and nervous and
sweaty and overthinking.

You're trying to get in my head,
and it's not gonna work.

Who could, man? Look at you.

You're cool as a cucumber.

You're Obama on the ski slopes.

Now, get out there.

Enjoy that cake
with the woman that you love.

Too soon? Forget about it.

Good talk.

Yeah.

What's wrong?

Nothing. (CHUCKLES)

Uh-oh.

Looks like we have a little
Groundhog Day situation.

Please don't call it a
Groundhog's Day situation.

Six more weeks of winter.

Don't worry.
Lie back.

I'm gonna take care of this.

(CHUCKLES)

This has never happened
in my whole life, just so you know.

It's cool, what
can I do to help?

I don't know,
maybe think outside of the box?

(IN SEXY VOICE)
A little chicken kabob

with rice.

Choice of naan or chutney.

(GROANS)

-How about we...
-Shh!

Oh, I had it.

Reverse psychology.

I'm not attracted to you.

I don't think you're sexy.

-Don't want to have sex with you.
-Okay.

I think you're a fat,
fat, fatty, fat...

Okay!

(HUMMING)

("GET LUCKY" BY DAFT PUNK PLAYS)

Oh, yeah.

Papa Smurf? Really?

Whole body.

Are you sure?

-Yes, hey.
-Okay.

-This will work, let's do it.
-Okay.

-Okay.
-(GROANS, SCREAMS)

Well, at least the sun
managed to get up.

(GROANS)

I have to go move my car.

I'm kidding.

But I'm kidding!

Are we not kidding about this?

(DOOR CLOSES)

WINSTON:
Does she have all her shots?

-Yep.
-Okay, cool, cool.

Um, let me ask you this.

Uh, does she strike you as, um,
I don't know, slutty?

Excuse me, I'm here to pick up
Fatty from her grooming.

Oh.

Oh, there you are.

Who are you here to pick up?

Well, actually,

uh, my boy cat is looking
for a girl cat.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Well, I might know a girl cat

who's looking for a boy cat.

-Oh, yeah?
-Mm-hmm.

Does the girl cat have
all her parts?

Um,

-yeah.
-Yes?

Uh, okay.
Well, um, I don't know,

maybe, uh,
she could come over sometime?

Like, our cats could go
on a date?

Yes, you get it.

You know, everyone else
thought I was being weird.

So, um, how often do
you groom your cat?

(SIGHS)

So I talked to my mom about it,

-and my dad...
-I've got to go move my car.

Hey, no, it's important we talk
about these things.

-Nick, it's...
-I'm moving my car!

(DOOR SLAMS)

Hello.

Whew, Nick looks exhausted.

You guys obviously
had a good night.

Yeah, um,

I... We didn't sleep much.

Well, of course you didn't,
you mangy little stray.

I really don't want to talk
about it,

-especially not with you, Schmidt.
-I know,

and look, I also realize that
it's gonna be a long time

for me to regain your trust.

I just think it's sad

because if you did have
a Nick problem,

I probably could help you out.

You know, my diploma
says that I majored

in communications,
but my heart says

that I majored
in Nicholas studies.

I'm just saying.

I love the morning.

Anything's possible.

-The whole day's ahead of you, you know?
-(GROANS)

Last night,
Nick struggled with impotence.

Oh, my God, I'm not talking
to you about this.

Jess, look, I get it.
You don't want my help,

but just do me a favor please.

Let me know when you're not mad
at me any more

so I can tell you about how men
crave danger and variety

in their sexual lives.

I just hope it's not too late,
fingers crossed.

What are you talking about?

I mean, I don't care,

but if I did... Theoretically.

Theoretically, I would tell you

for, for a man whose midsection
is basically mush,

Nick has had a lot of sex.

He's pushed that mush
all over town.

And you know what,
he's got some

very weird taste.

Dark, real fringe stuff.

He likes stuff

that they don't
even have porn for.

-What?
-And you know, a lot of women

wouldn't think to do the Captain

-in, in bed.
-What?

That was a mistake
I shouldn't have said anything.

-What?
-I didn't want to talk about the Captain.

It was a thing, and I did and...

-Do you want a smoothie?
-What's the Captain?

(SIGHS)

Well, it starts off with...

(BLENDER WHIRRING)

(MUFLED TALKING)

(BLENDER STOPS)

But you want to clean
yourself up immediately.

I mean immediately.

-(BLENDER WHIRRING)
-And then you...

(BLENDER STOPS)
How comfortable are you with racial slurs?

-(BLENDER WHIRRING)
-Then you...

(MUFFLED TALKING)

-(BLENDER STOPS)
-That's basically it.

That's what Nick wants in bed?

Yeah, I know. Look,
you're probably not up for it.

It's my... it's my fault.

It's very degrading,
it's offensive, and you,

you just don't have the time to
learn all those dolphin sounds.

Are you sure you don't want
some of this smoothie?

It's straw-bana.

Okay, Furguson, this is
a big moment in your life.

All right, just be
yourself, you dawg.

Winston, I think I found
a way to...

You want to try some catnip?

This is a real bummer.

Ahoy, Nicholas.

(imitates foghorn)
Wait, I'm scared!

-Hey.
-Hey.

I'm so glad
you could make it.

-Oh, thanks.
-Let's, um,

let's head to my room.

Oh, you're not wasting any time.

You know, it's
just that I have

very judgy roommates,
you know, that might get

a little weirded out
if they walked in the room

and saw something
they weren't supposed to see.

Oh, (CHUCKLES).

Or it's whatever,
whatever Fatty wants.

What do you want, Fatty?

Fatty wants to see your room.

That's awesome. Great news.
You hear that, Furguson?

-Y'all go play.
-Yeah? There you go.

He was nervous.

Well, good thing I brought this.

Yeah, we can't give
wine to these cats.

It's been a tough six months,
and this cat needs a drink so...

O-Okay.

I don't think they care.

They're not listening
at all. Mm-mm.

-They're too into each other.
-Yeah.

Nick, we have to talk
about this, okay?

All right, I'll go first.

(SIGHS)
Listen...

I was uncomfortable with
some of the specifics

of what we just did.

For example, when I said,
"You like that, huh?"

I felt like you really,
really didn't like it.

How do you feel?

I just...

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

I feel like, you know...

No, it's just kind of like...
be... I mean...

Uh...

It was good, you know.
It's over.

Love sleeping birdsty.

I just want to know
what I did wrong.

How does the Captain
normally go?

-The what?
-The Captain.

What we just did.

I've never done that in my life.

-We did that because you wanted to, Jess.
-What?!

-Yeah.
-Why would I want to do that?

That's degrading to not only
women but all of mankind, Nick.

-I know.
-I only did that

'cause Schmidt told me it
was your favorite thing.

Did you say,
'cause Schmidt said?

-No, no, no, no Did you just...
-Don't...

Did you talk to...
Tight pants and eyebrows...

Who was I supposed
to talk to, Nick?

Every time I tried
to talk to you

about your penis problems,
you went to move your car.

Those aren't penis problems.

What is... Did you talk to
Winston about my penis problems?

-What about Cece, did she get a call?
-She wasn't around.

Schmidt told me he had a PhD
in Nickology.

He doesn't.
There's no such...

We have to talk about our
feelings 'cause we're together.

If we needed to talk
about feelings,

they would be
called "talkings."

No, that is not true. Nick...

-That is 100%...
-This is it...

This is Schmidt
getting in our heads.

-I'm going to kill him!
-Jessica, wait.

Schmidt!

I can't run that fast--
the Captain!

-I trusted you. You took advantage of me.
-No, no, don't do this.

-Something wrong?
-You set us up.

I've done things to Nick
I can't ever undo.

You see, your fatal flaw--
communication.

You won't shut up about your
feelings, and the only thing

this dummy wants to talk about
is the Chicago Brown Bears.

It's just the Chicago Bears.
There's no brown...

Who cares? I put a pebble in your path
and the two of you

cracked your tiny little skulls
on it.

Ooh, by the way,
how was the Captain?

Did you make it all the
way to the spyglass?

Yes, Schmidt! And my night vision's
very good

'cause my eyes
are so buggy and big

and I saw everything and
I can't erase it from my memory.

Please, Jess, stop talking
about the Captain.

Why don't we just go back
to being roommates. Okay?

Nick, what do you say?

The floor is yours. You want
to tell us how you feel?

-Me?
-Yeah.

Well... I think it's...

I just...

Beautifully said.
Thank you, Nick.

Enjoy the breakup.

If you need me,
I'll be in my room

listening to some mainstream hip-hop.

Stop!

I have feelings.

I didn't like
when you did the Captain.

It made me feel...

Bad.

Okay, I've... I've never
seen this sober before.

Stop, it's my turn.
You talk too much and it frustrates me.

Sometimes you talk even after
you've fallen asleep.

How do you breathe?
Where do you get the words?

But it doesn't matter, Jess,
because I like you a lot.

But maybe do that less, okay?

Nick, I just feel... Sorry.

I'm so sorry.
Just... keep going.

I don't know. Um...

I really like the instrument
of the cello.

I like the cello a lot,
and I don't talk about it a lot

but I should because I feel
very passionate about it.

It's a beautiful instrument.

It's like a guitar
but it stands up.

I once saw a zebra
named Gavin give birth at the zoo,

and I cried hysterically.

And then I bought one of
those stretched out pennies

that you can get to remember it

and then I lost that
and I cried again.

Sometimes
when I smell dust

in like an attic or something,
like that mothy, dusty,

I think about my mother.

When I was 14, I saw
my mother change,

and I saw her whole body naked
without underpants on.

I really like when a
rap song uses a choir.

It makes me feel really happy
when all those ladies' voices

come in and then
the guy's rapping.

I think it's awesome.

I'm really proud of you, Nick.

-I really like you.
-(SOFTLY) I like you, too.

And it's been a month
and I'm not scared.

Unless you're doing the Captain,

and then I experience very real
fear and it's very visceral...

Just kiss me.

No kissing in
the living room!

(MOANING)

No. No, no, no!
No, no, no, no, no!

Cease lovemaking!

All lovemaking must cease.

-Get out of here, Schmidt!
-Break up!

Just break up already,
pl... Oh, forget it.

I'm just... I'm, I'm...
No, no! Hey, no, no.

-What are you doing?
-(SCREAMS)

Oh, my God, he
just hit my sack. Body block!

I'm pure core.
I've been training for this.

Yeah, human dental dam.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

So...

What do you do for fun?

Huh? Oh, um...

You know, like all good things.

Like what? Tell me one thing.

(THUMPING AND SHOUTING
IN OTHER ROOM)

I'm sorry, do you hear noise?

-Oh...
-Do you hear shouting?

-'Cause I'm just...
-Yeah.

WINSTON:
No. No, no, no, no, no.

(THUMPING CONTINUES)
(WINSTON SHOUTS)

Who the hell mess up the mood?

(PANTING)

-Schmidt, Schmidt.
-Hey.

Put down my condoms.

Pull it together, Schmidt.

It's raining celibacy.
Hallelujah.

-You're losing it, man.
-If I'm not having sex in this loft,

nobody's having
sex in this loft.

Hyah!

Oh, hey, hey.

NICK:
Hey, hey.

Oh, my birth control pills.

-NICK: You don't want to
-do this, my man.

Yes, I do want to do this.

It's the only way to get this place
back to the way that it was.

Put them down.
Give them to me. Give them to Jess.

Come on, buddy,
it's not worth it.

No fear!

-Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.
-JESS: Oh, my God.

Why didn't you just throw
them in the sink, you idiot.

You better pray
that was a placebo week.

Is he eating birth
control pills?

Friday! Full wheel, bitches!

(WEAKLY)
I win. I don't feel good.

Guys, come on, our cats were
just about to have sex.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God,
this whole time I thought...

(SNORTS) What?

Fatty, come on.

We're out of here.

So, what do you guys think,
loft meeting in 20?

Yeah, I'll be there in 15.

Got to stick my head
in a paper bag

and scream
at the top of my lungs.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, yeah, there'll be no snacks.

-(SCHMIDT MOANS)
-Schmidt, I just looked it up.

There's no way estrogen
works that fast.

-You don't know my body.
-Please, stop talking about your body.

Okay, that's a good segue...

to some of the more
relevant topics

that I would like to cover
in this meeting.

Like, uh, personal space.

Public space.

Other people's medicines--

taking them
versus not taking them.

I am so aware of my nipples
right now.

Okay, that's a good start.

If someone were to blow
on my nipples,

I would positively scream.

Boundaries.

Any takers?

All right, we live here.

Where are we supposed to go?

This is my fault.

'Cause I'm going through
a sexual awakening.

It's like I'm
tapping into

this raw sexual energy

that the universe
is putting forth.

And it's just both imploding
and exploding at the same time.

And it's kind of like

I'm a young nun.

And Nick is my sexy monseigneur.

And I'm a...

I'm just going to shut up.

Both of you need to shut up,
okay?

You're having sex,
not inventing it.

-It can't be that good.
-It's good.

-Stop saying,
-"Squeeze my biscuits."

I'm serious, Nick.

-Sorry.
-And, Schmidt,

stop taking it out
on everybody else, man.

Deal with your breakups.

Ain't no way in hell
I got a cat brothel

going on in my room and I'm the
only normal person in this loft.

You did a bad thing.

Deal with it.

(INDISTINCT VOICES)

(DOOR OPENS)

What's that?

Oh, it's just what I needed.

This gum is crap.

(MAN CHUCKLES)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

(CECE SPEAKS INDSTINCTLY)

(CECE LAUGHS SOFTLY)

NICK:
You ready?

What is it?

-Just keep your eyes closed.
-(LAUGHS)

-All right, stand right there, okay?
-Okay.

Turn around.

(LAUGHING)

-I love it.
-Yeah.

I don't... I don't
know what it is.

-All right, then yell something.
-(YELLS)

I soundproofed it.

What's wrong?
I just heard yelling.

Get out of here, man.

He must... he must've literally
been right by the door.

It is soundproofed-- that's what
the egg crates are for, so...

Nick, I just want to
say something. Um...

This last month... has been
the best month of my life.

Me, too.

I've never, you know,
felt this way

or had this with anybody.

It's like there's been
this fog around my life,

and with you,
all of a sudden it's gone.

I love that you can
express your feelings now.

Yeah, it's a weird feeling.
It's kind of like gross but also good.

You know?
It's like an egg broke.

And then, like,
all the yolk comes out

but it's good.

I'm happy to admit
I like love songs.

I understand them.
They're really sad.

They're mostly about either
the girl or the guy got away.

They're heartbreaking numbers.

The air--
do you feel it?

I guess this is the air
you breathe, but it's nice.

I feel like I'm on
this whole new planet.

(CLEARS THROAT)
How about your two...

favorite planets?

Oh, yeah, those are great.

But I also feel like
being with you,

I've finally,
for the first time,

and I know this sounds crazy,
but I can see the stars.

You know, the other great thing
about talking about our feelings

is we don't need to do it
all the time.

Thank you for expressing that.

-I feel like I can see you
-Uh-huh.

in 3-D vision.

-Everyone see in 3-D.
-Hmm.

So, would you like to take
my bra off, or should I?

See, I feel excited
to take your bra off.

-So, do it.
-I love your breasts.

Just mixing it up
with those two things.

-I'm not even nervous to do it.
-So do it.

-I feel excited to...
-Okay, right now. Let's do this.