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1
00:00:02,044 --> 00:00:05,088
Thank you so much for having us
over for brunch, guys.
2
00:00:05,172 --> 00:00:07,382
It's the least that we could do to
celebrate the one-week anniversary
3
00:00:07,466 --> 00:00:10,135
of your sister moving in with me
and becoming my live-in lover.
4
00:00:10,219 --> 00:00:11,345
Was a little fast.
5
00:00:11,553 --> 00:00:12,888
Babe, you have syrup
on your face.
6
00:00:12,971 --> 00:00:14,806
-Oh, you can get it.
-Mmm.
7
00:00:16,141 --> 00:00:17,643
Babe, you have some
powdered sugar...
8
00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:19,019
(MUFFLED)
Back off! I'm starving!
9
00:00:19,102 --> 00:00:20,771
Come on. Just let me get
it off. It's so much.
10
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:22,648
Get your own
French toast, Jess!
11
00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:25,025
I got these slices,
so they're for me to eat.
12
00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:27,611
If you want the slices,
get your own slices.
13
00:00:27,694 --> 00:00:29,821
Um, that's your fourth plate, Winston.
14
00:00:29,905 --> 00:00:32,115
I'm trying
to bulk up for the LAPD fitness exam.
15
00:00:32,199 --> 00:00:34,743
I am going to ace
this obstacle course.
16
00:00:34,826 --> 00:00:36,787
Schmidt, you got something crazy
around your neck.
17
00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:39,164
Abby made this. Look.
Ow. Look at that.
18
00:00:39,248 --> 00:00:40,582
-Not a fan.
-I forgot how much
19
00:00:40,666 --> 00:00:42,084
I love making jewelry.
20
00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:43,919
Schmidt's been lending me money
for supplies.
21
00:00:44,002 --> 00:00:46,213
-SCHMIDT: Yeah.
-Schmidt, are you bleeding?
22
00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:49,049
Oh, look at that.
I most certainly am. Wow.
23
00:00:49,132 --> 00:00:51,343
What makes Abby's jewelry
so interesting
24
00:00:51,426 --> 00:00:53,595
is that it's actually
dangerous and can cut you.
25
00:00:53,679 --> 00:00:55,430
-Oh.
-Abby will open up her own store one day.
26
00:00:55,514 --> 00:00:56,682
-Mark my words.
-She shouldn't do that.
27
00:00:56,765 --> 00:00:59,017
-Nope.
-I'm gonna open up a store in your mouth.
28
00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:00,853
But now that you're living here,
I can have my old room back.
29
00:01:00,936 --> 00:01:03,063
Jess, I'm gonna need you gone
by 5:00.
30
00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:06,191
Done. I need a break from
Snore-a Ephron over here.
31
00:01:06,275 --> 00:01:07,276
Okay.
32
00:01:07,359 --> 00:01:09,611
Oh, Schmidt and I don't need any space.
We have no boundaries.
33
00:01:09,695 --> 00:01:12,489
But I guess not everybody can
have what Schmidt and I have.
34
00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,491
You guys will probably
get there. Don't worry.
35
00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:15,868
Remember how long
it took you to get boobs?
36
00:01:15,951 --> 00:01:18,662
Yeah, but I started
shaving my legs at nine.
37
00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:21,623
So joke's on you.
38
00:01:21,707 --> 00:01:23,917
Mmm.
39
00:01:26,712 --> 00:01:29,131
Wait. We have so much sex.
40
00:01:29,214 --> 00:01:33,260
Don't try to eat the other
slice. I'm gonna get to it.
41
00:01:33,343 --> 00:01:35,220
Who's that girl?
42
00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:37,931
Who's that girl?
It's Jess.
43
00:01:38,348 --> 00:01:40,976
-Can you believe Abby and Schmidt?
-Yeah,
44
00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:44,271
tell me about it. Making love
at their own brunch? No class.
45
00:01:44,354 --> 00:01:46,273
They're a fake couple. They're
not real. We're a real couple.
46
00:01:46,356 --> 00:01:47,441
Right. Right.
47
00:01:47,524 --> 00:01:49,109
If anyone should be moving
in together, it's us.
48
00:01:49,193 --> 00:01:50,944
Well, you know, we already live
in the same apartment.
49
00:01:51,028 --> 00:01:52,946
Right. So why not take
the extra step?
50
00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:55,157
We basically sleep in each
other's rooms every night,
51
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:56,783
so what is the difference?
52
00:01:56,867 --> 00:01:58,202
It's a really big difference.
53
00:01:58,285 --> 00:02:00,120
Because right now
we're roommates
54
00:02:00,204 --> 00:02:02,539
but we're not living together.
Not "living together."
55
00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:04,583
-You know?
-Right. No.
56
00:02:04,666 --> 00:02:07,169
Living together is a step. It's official.
57
00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:08,712
It's an official step
in a relationship.
58
00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:10,297
So the word "official"
is the key.
59
00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:12,216
Abby and Schmidt did it
after one week.
60
00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:15,427
Come on. We have so much left
to learn about each other,
61
00:02:15,511 --> 00:02:17,596
stuff you can only learn
if you're crammed together
62
00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:19,765
in a small space
and you can't get out.
63
00:02:19,848 --> 00:02:21,600
Just you and me.
Four walls.
64
00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:23,310
No boundaries, no escape.
65
00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:25,312
When you put it like that,
it sounds amazing.
66
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,606
-And like prison.
-Well, I feel like
67
00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:30,317
if we get tired of each other,
I can always run across the hall
68
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,529
to my room. It's so close.
Just pop over there.
69
00:02:33,612 --> 00:02:34,738
Mm.
70
00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:36,615
-Do you not want to?
-Whoa.
71
00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:37,991
(WHISTLES)
72
00:02:38,075 --> 00:02:40,035
I did not...
73
00:02:40,619 --> 00:02:42,788
-That did not...
-So you're saying...
74
00:02:42,871 --> 00:02:44,248
you do want to?
75
00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:45,541
(CHUCKLES)
76
00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,292
Oh, my God,
77
00:02:47,376 --> 00:02:49,378
Nick, we're moving in together!
78
00:02:49,461 --> 00:02:51,129
-Officially? We just agreed on it?
-Yes!
79
00:02:51,213 --> 00:02:53,841
Yes! I cannot think
of a reason why not to.
80
00:02:53,924 --> 00:02:57,344
Reason 13: I like my stuff
and I hate her stuff.
81
00:02:57,427 --> 00:03:00,138
Reason number 14: how am I
ever gonna change my clothes?
82
00:03:00,222 --> 00:03:01,890
You don't change in front
of your girlfriend?
83
00:03:01,974 --> 00:03:03,141
You get naked in front of her.
84
00:03:03,225 --> 00:03:05,227
Yes, but those are different things.
When you're naked,
85
00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:07,187
you're powerful
and it's glorious.
86
00:03:07,271 --> 00:03:09,189
When you're changing,
you're hunched over
87
00:03:09,273 --> 00:03:10,566
and cowering, like an animal.
88
00:03:10,649 --> 00:03:11,984
Animals don't wear clothes,
Nick.
89
00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:13,527
All I'm saying is
I need my space.
90
00:03:13,777 --> 00:03:15,696
True intimacy. Embrace that.
91
00:03:15,779 --> 00:03:19,074
Abby and I,
we have one sponge.
92
00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:22,369
And we use it for everything.
93
00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:25,539
-I don't like that, but you seem happy.
-Don't hold back,
94
00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:28,876
Nick. Expose your cracks
and love will fill them.
95
00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:30,919
-That's nice.
-Thank you.
96
00:03:31,003 --> 00:03:32,671
Do you know how hard
it's been for me to take
97
00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:34,590
this conversation seriously
while you're wearing
98
00:03:34,673 --> 00:03:37,301
-that thing around your neck?
-It's an Iroquois throat band.
99
00:03:37,593 --> 00:03:39,636
-That's the ugliest thing I've ever seen.
-Yeah, you're jealous.
100
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,097
-No, I'm not.
-It's not just a choker-- it's a story.
101
00:03:42,181 --> 00:03:44,975
What's the story?
She didn't have enough supplies?
102
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:46,268
Well... I'm not through
the whole thing yet.
103
00:03:46,351 --> 00:03:49,104
I got to tell you, looking at that thing,
the sex must be awesome.
104
00:03:49,188 --> 00:03:51,773
COACH: Cece and I have beenhanging out
a lot more lately.
105
00:03:51,857 --> 00:03:53,817
She sort of treats me like I'm
one of her girl friends, and...
106
00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:55,777
(strained):
You don't like it?
107
00:03:55,861 --> 00:03:57,279
I love it. I mean,
108
00:03:57,362 --> 00:03:59,072
usually, when I'm friends
with a girl, I'm either trying
109
00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:00,741
to get that butt or she's trying
to get this butt.
110
00:04:00,824 --> 00:04:02,701
But with Cece,
it's not about the butt.
111
00:04:02,784 --> 00:04:05,245
(CHUCKLES) It's not about the butt, man.
112
00:04:05,329 --> 00:04:08,040
It's cool. It's like...
We're like... sisters.
113
00:04:08,123 --> 00:04:10,792
-What?
-Coach. Hey, do you have,
114
00:04:10,876 --> 00:04:13,212
uh, Schmidt's keys? Kind of got a weird
favor to ask.
115
00:04:13,295 --> 00:04:15,297
It's only weird
if you don't ask, girl. (LAUGHS)
116
00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:18,258
-What?
-That's what I'm talking about.
117
00:04:18,342 --> 00:04:19,843
(MEOWS)
118
00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:22,221
(GRUNTS) You know I'm doing this
for you, right?
119
00:04:22,304 --> 00:04:23,722
Somewhere...
120
00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:25,724
This is great. (CHUCKLES)
What are we doing?
121
00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:27,643
We are snooping on Abby.
122
00:04:27,726 --> 00:04:30,145
-Oh, love it.
-I do not trust that girl.
123
00:04:30,229 --> 00:04:32,689
She's always working an angle.
Now she's got Schmidt all
124
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,775
wrapped up, giving her money
for "jewelry."
125
00:04:34,858 --> 00:04:37,528
-Treachery!
-(SCREAMS)
126
00:04:37,736 --> 00:04:40,197
First, they came for my
silverware and I said nothing.
127
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,658
-What's up, dawg?
-What are you guys doing here?
128
00:04:42,741 --> 00:04:45,327
Schmidt, I know that Abby is fun
and she is charming,
129
00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:47,538
but I'm telling you,
she's bad news.
130
00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:49,540
Is that why you guys are sorting
through my garbage?
131
00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:52,501
I appreciate the concern, you
guys, but Abby has changed.
132
00:04:52,584 --> 00:04:55,254
COACH:
Then how do you explain this?
133
00:04:55,337 --> 00:04:57,089
I put my coffee grounds
in a plastic bag
134
00:04:57,172 --> 00:04:58,340
so it doesn't get the rest
of my trash dirty.
135
00:04:58,465 --> 00:04:59,466
-Really?
-Yeah, he does that.
136
00:04:59,550 --> 00:05:00,843
You got clean-ass trash, man.
137
00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:03,262
I don't even need gloves
for this.
138
00:05:03,345 --> 00:05:05,806
Quit sorting through my trash,
Coach. You're messing it all up.
139
00:05:05,889 --> 00:05:07,724
-Sorry...
-Schmidt, you've known this girl
140
00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:09,142
for a couple weeks, okay?
141
00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:11,854
I've known her for 20 years,
and, I am telling you,
142
00:05:11,937 --> 00:05:13,772
she's not to be trusted.
143
00:05:14,857 --> 00:05:17,276
Your words are changing his
opinions about things.
144
00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:18,569
(CHUCKLES)
Up top.
145
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,070
Mm.
146
00:05:21,405 --> 00:05:23,156
You two as friends
is a real bummer.
147
00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:24,575
I'm not into it.
148
00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:27,077
JESS: Our first night
living together.
149
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,328
I'm just excited.
150
00:05:28,412 --> 00:05:30,163
Expose your cracks
151
00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:33,083
and love will fill them.
152
00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:36,503
I'm changing.
153
00:05:36,587 --> 00:05:38,380
Great. I'm reading.
154
00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:40,591
Okay.
155
00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:43,218
Yeah, I'm just gonna
take my pants off.
156
00:05:43,302 --> 00:05:44,386
Okay.
157
00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:45,512
(GRUMBLING)
158
00:05:45,971 --> 00:05:47,890
You know, I've seen you
naked before, right?
159
00:05:47,973 --> 00:05:48,974
(GRUNTS)
160
00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:50,142
What's going on there?
161
00:05:50,225 --> 00:05:52,603
Oh! Never changed in
front of a woman.
162
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:55,230
You know, mostly you
just hook up and...
163
00:05:55,314 --> 00:05:56,356
Really? Are you serious?
164
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,487
All right,
I'm gonna read.
165
00:06:02,571 --> 00:06:04,114
(CLEARS THROAT)
166
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:08,118
Okay. Here we go.
167
00:06:09,912 --> 00:06:11,580
(NICK GROANS)
168
00:06:12,164 --> 00:06:14,750
Yeah, it's...
Just gonna put this on here.
169
00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:15,959
What is that?
170
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,419
Oh, this is my long shirt.
171
00:06:17,503 --> 00:06:19,421
-(SNORTS)
-Yeah. Oh. (SNORTS)
172
00:06:19,505 --> 00:06:22,216
That's why you're laughing.
I had it on the wrong way.
173
00:06:22,299 --> 00:06:23,717
(LAUGHS)
174
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,261
That must have been funny-looking
the way it was.
175
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,014
I've never broken it out
before you because, you know,
176
00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:30,557
we didn't live
together, but...
177
00:06:30,641 --> 00:06:34,061
It keeps the top really warm
and lets my bottom breathe.
178
00:06:34,686 --> 00:06:37,898
-And so... yeah.
-Why does your bottom need to breathe?
179
00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:39,816
Well, it's like
a plant.
180
00:06:40,025 --> 00:06:41,652
Needs sun and air to survive.
181
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:43,779
Never mind. Um... I like it.
182
00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:45,614
Um... yeah.
183
00:06:45,697 --> 00:06:46,990
-Great.
-I like it.
184
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:51,578
(GRUNTS)
Okay.
185
00:06:51,662 --> 00:06:53,413
-This is great.
-This is great.
186
00:06:53,497 --> 00:06:54,790
I'm excited.
187
00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:56,416
Me, too.
188
00:07:02,631 --> 00:07:04,591
-What are you doing to the pillow?
-I'm trying to get comfortable.
189
00:07:04,675 --> 00:07:06,301
Oh, okay.
190
00:07:06,385 --> 00:07:08,262
Got it.
191
00:07:08,345 --> 00:07:10,097
Got it.
192
00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:11,557
I can't...
193
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:12,975
I'm gonna go to sleep.
194
00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:15,060
-I'll turn off the light.
-Great.
195
00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:17,312
Mm.
196
00:07:18,272 --> 00:07:19,773
Ow!
197
00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:22,317
What? So-Sorry. Sorry.
198
00:07:22,401 --> 00:07:24,695
-What the hell is that nightmare?
-I just... have to...
199
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:26,446
Sorry.
200
00:07:28,907 --> 00:07:30,701
-Just reading.
-Yeah. You know what I'm gonna do?
201
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,536
-I'm gonna sleep with my head over there.
-Okay.
202
00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:34,204
Thanks.
203
00:07:34,288 --> 00:07:36,582
Yeah, that's... That's
gonna be better for me.
204
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,467
You know what, I'm gonna
get some water.
205
00:07:47,551 --> 00:07:49,720
(MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING)
206
00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:55,267
-Oh, hey.
-My room looks totally different.
207
00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:56,810
Turned it into a workout space.
208
00:07:56,894 --> 00:07:58,562
I am so glad it opened up.
209
00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:01,565
Oh, why didn't we
do this sooner?
210
00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:05,444
Crab walk.
211
00:08:07,779 --> 00:08:09,489
You don't know where
a crab's gonna go.
212
00:08:09,573 --> 00:08:10,866
-And you know what?
-Mm-mm.
213
00:08:10,949 --> 00:08:12,534
Where does the crab go? Oh!
214
00:08:12,618 --> 00:08:14,536
Oh, ahh!
215
00:08:14,870 --> 00:08:16,246
Owie.
216
00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:21,126
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
217
00:08:21,210 --> 00:08:24,505
Hi. Just enjoying
the peace and quiet.
218
00:08:25,547 --> 00:08:27,299
Whoa, hold up.
219
00:08:27,382 --> 00:08:29,259
Hey, Jess, what
are you doing?
220
00:08:29,343 --> 00:08:31,845
Oh, I just, you know, sometimes
I work in the elevator now.
221
00:08:31,929 --> 00:08:32,930
(WHISPERS) You know,
helping some of the...
222
00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:34,264
Oder residents.
223
00:08:34,348 --> 00:08:35,933
-Hmm?
-(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
224
00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:39,228
(LOUDLY)
This is your floor, ma'am.
225
00:08:43,065 --> 00:08:45,192
So, how are things going with
you and Schmidt living together?
226
00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:48,195
I have never felt so clean
while being so dirty.
227
00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:51,114
-Awesome.
-Last night, Schmidt wanted
228
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:52,991
to take me to a hotel, but
we could not even get out
229
00:08:53,075 --> 00:08:55,202
of the loft without ripping
each other's clothes off.
230
00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:57,120
Oh, that's our thing, too.
231
00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:58,914
We have the hotel until tomorrow
night and it's all paid up.
232
00:08:58,997 --> 00:09:00,874
You guys might as well use
it. Take it off our hands.
233
00:09:00,958 --> 00:09:02,543
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
234
00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:05,128
Lobby, please.
235
00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:07,422
(MOUTHING)
236
00:09:10,592 --> 00:09:13,470
Wait, I forgot Bernie.
237
00:09:13,554 --> 00:09:15,138
Hold the elevator.
238
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:19,184
Bernie, Bernie,
where are you, you idiot?
239
00:09:19,268 --> 00:09:20,769
I'll just be here, waiting.
240
00:09:20,853 --> 00:09:22,396
WINSTON: So, Nick,
the police academy training
241
00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:23,939
is going well, but
242
00:09:24,022 --> 00:09:26,900
I'm a little worried about
the rings, because of the...
243
00:09:26,984 --> 00:09:29,361
You know... The incident.
244
00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:30,696
(LAUGHTER)
245
00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:32,614
Shut up, you guys,
I can do this.
246
00:09:32,698 --> 00:09:35,033
No, Miller, no, Miller, no!
247
00:09:35,117 --> 00:09:37,744
(LAUGHTER)
248
00:09:38,662 --> 00:09:40,747
(LAUGHS)
249
00:09:42,666 --> 00:09:44,918
I'm sor... I got big laughs. You got to
give the people what they want.
250
00:09:45,002 --> 00:09:48,380
Everybody saw my ding-a-ling,
Nick. My ding-a-ling.
251
00:09:48,463 --> 00:09:50,382
I've got an issue that's
more important than this.
252
00:09:50,465 --> 00:09:53,760
Ever since Jess moved in, I
haven't had a second to myself.
253
00:09:53,844 --> 00:09:55,804
You see what she's done
to my writer's desk?
254
00:09:55,888 --> 00:09:57,848
It's now her arts and
crafts area now, man.
255
00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,183
-Hey, guys.
-Hey.
256
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:01,393
I'm staying
at a hotel tonight.
257
00:10:01,476 --> 00:10:02,936
Not alone. With other people.
258
00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:05,731
I have to chaperone a field trip
to Sacramento, so...
259
00:10:05,814 --> 00:10:07,608
You know what, you seem too
busy to talk about it. Go, go.
260
00:10:07,691 --> 00:10:09,943
I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you.
261
00:10:10,027 --> 00:10:11,486
Wait, weren't you
just saying how you...
262
00:10:11,570 --> 00:10:13,363
-Whoa, dude!
-(JESS LAUGHS)
263
00:10:13,447 --> 00:10:15,574
-Good one, Nick. Bye.
-(CHUCKLING) Bye, yeah.
264
00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:18,076
That, uh, I'm,
uh, I'm sorry.
265
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:19,912
SCHMIDT:
I can't believe I let you guys
266
00:10:19,995 --> 00:10:21,580
talk me into tailing
my own girlfriend.
267
00:10:21,663 --> 00:10:24,041
CECE: Look at this neighborhood, Schmidt,
she is up to no good.
268
00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,877
I feel very uncomfortable
being here, I trust Abby,
269
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,504
I don't want to spy
on her any more, okay?
270
00:10:28,587 --> 00:10:31,048
We're not spying--
we're just carefully watching.
271
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:32,674
Girlfriend is going down.
272
00:10:32,758 --> 00:10:35,302
-Yeah, she is.
-Let us bust her, buster.
273
00:10:35,385 --> 00:10:36,637
(GIGGLES)
That was a good one.
274
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,514
-That was.
-Yeah. Okay.
275
00:10:38,597 --> 00:10:40,849
(BOTH SIGH)
276
00:10:40,933 --> 00:10:43,227
This dynamic between the two of you--
it's very annoying to me.
277
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:44,978
-I'm sure I'm not alone on this.
-Hi, hater.
278
00:10:45,062 --> 00:10:46,605
-Bye, hater.
-Okay, enough is enough.
279
00:10:46,688 --> 00:10:48,482
-I'm getting out of here.
-Hey, it's my car...
280
00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:50,651
-Guys, guys.
-I don't care whose car it is, I'm going.
281
00:10:50,734 --> 00:10:52,528
-I don't care who...
-No... It's my car.
282
00:10:52,611 --> 00:10:54,112
-Oh.
-Ahh!
283
00:10:54,196 --> 00:10:56,782
-(GASPS)
-Great.
284
00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:58,492
Hit a parked car
in the same neighborhood
285
00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:00,285
they shot friggin'
Children of Men.
286
00:11:08,919 --> 00:11:10,629
Yeah!
287
00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:14,049
I'm alone!
288
00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:16,093
(LAUGHS)
289
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:17,511
Yeah.
290
00:11:17,928 --> 00:11:19,805
I made my reservation
291
00:11:19,888 --> 00:11:21,598
-I'm leaving town tomorrow
-(YELLS)
292
00:11:21,682 --> 00:11:23,600
-I'll find somebody new...
-(GRUNTS, LAUGHS)
293
00:11:23,684 --> 00:11:27,688
I'm alone and I love it.
294
00:11:28,313 --> 00:11:31,692
Coffee for one,
a sundae for one,
295
00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:35,654
and the most tasteful,
story-driven
296
00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:37,322
(WHISPERS) adult film.
297
00:11:37,406 --> 00:11:39,283
Preferably a period piece.
298
00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:40,909
The farther in the past,
the better.
299
00:11:40,993 --> 00:11:42,286
You know what
I'm talking about, girl.
300
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:46,790
(SOBS)
301
00:11:46,874 --> 00:11:50,794
Do you have anything
in the Byzantine Era?
302
00:11:50,878 --> 00:11:54,840
No? All right,
just a shot in the dark.
303
00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:57,050
Clang, clang, clang,
went the trolley...
304
00:11:57,134 --> 00:11:59,803
(SOBBING) It's so little.
305
00:11:59,887 --> 00:12:01,471
It's so little.
306
00:12:01,555 --> 00:12:03,807
(SINGING) Bump, bump, bump
went my heartstrings
307
00:12:03,891 --> 00:12:06,518
When he smiled,
I could feel the car shake...
308
00:12:06,602 --> 00:12:08,270
-(MAN POUNDS ON WALL) I'm trying to sleep!
-Okay!
309
00:12:08,353 --> 00:12:11,273
-Which ding is ours?
-Which ding is ours?
310
00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:13,025
Coach, there are
knife holes in the door.
311
00:12:13,108 --> 00:12:14,484
What does it matter?
Let's get out of here.
312
00:12:14,568 --> 00:12:16,737
At least write "sorry" and put it under
the windshield wiper...
313
00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:17,905
There are none.
314
00:12:17,988 --> 00:12:20,240
Uh... Maybe put it under
315
00:12:20,324 --> 00:12:21,533
the dead bird's leg?
316
00:12:21,617 --> 00:12:23,160
-(MAN GROWLS)
-Hobo!
317
00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:24,620
-(SCREAMING) Ahh, there's a dude!
-Ho-ho-hobo, for real!
318
00:12:24,703 --> 00:12:26,121
-Hobo!
-COACH: Son of a bitch
319
00:12:26,205 --> 00:12:27,456
Hobo.
320
00:12:27,581 --> 00:12:28,624
Thank you, Jingles.
321
00:12:28,707 --> 00:12:29,750
MAN:
You got it, girl.
322
00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:32,920
Hey. What are
you guys doing here? Tailing me?
323
00:12:33,003 --> 00:12:35,339
-No. Um...
-Yes, we're tailing you.
324
00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:37,508
I know how you work.
325
00:12:37,591 --> 00:12:40,177
You glom onto guys and
then you just bleed them dry.
326
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,221
Well, you are not
gonna do it to Schmidt.
327
00:12:44,848 --> 00:12:46,600
What's in the box?
328
00:12:49,186 --> 00:12:50,979
Tell us
what's in the box.
329
00:12:54,483 --> 00:12:55,984
Zippers.
330
00:12:56,068 --> 00:12:57,236
What?
331
00:12:57,319 --> 00:13:00,364
(LAUGHS) Z...
Zippers, you guys.
332
00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:01,823
Guy up there'll
give you a great deal.
333
00:13:01,907 --> 00:13:03,325
He also loves crack.
334
00:13:03,408 --> 00:13:05,327
Can we go now?
335
00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:06,912
Thank you, Abby,
let's go.
336
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:11,166
My car is gone.
337
00:13:11,250 --> 00:13:13,836
Well, that's not surprising.
338
00:13:16,672 --> 00:13:19,007
Oh, you can do this.
You can do this, Winnie.
339
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:27,641
What are you doing here?
340
00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:29,184
On a school day?
341
00:13:29,268 --> 00:13:31,186
I see this means
you're the cutting type.
342
00:13:31,270 --> 00:13:34,022
Which means you're
the pantsing type.
343
00:13:34,106 --> 00:13:35,983
Well, I got news for you, buddy.
344
00:13:36,066 --> 00:13:37,901
You ain't getting 'em!
Not today.
345
00:13:37,985 --> 00:13:40,028
How 'bout I take
your pants, huh?
346
00:13:40,112 --> 00:13:41,697
Not like that, everybody!
347
00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:43,615
I'm not trying to take
the little kid's pants.
348
00:13:43,699 --> 00:13:45,200
He's trying to take my pants.
349
00:13:45,284 --> 00:13:47,035
You see how he's
eyeing my pants?
350
00:13:47,119 --> 00:13:48,579
So I eyed his pants...
351
00:13:48,662 --> 00:13:50,247
You know what?
352
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,582
You win.
353
00:13:51,665 --> 00:13:54,710
You win, you little
son of a bitch. You win!
354
00:13:54,793 --> 00:13:57,045
I don't want to tell you
how to police your beach,
355
00:13:57,129 --> 00:13:58,881
but right now there are truants
356
00:13:58,964 --> 00:14:01,216
outside of this hotel,
stirring up trouble.
357
00:14:01,300 --> 00:14:02,843
Hey, yo, lookin' good, Charlie!
358
00:14:02,926 --> 00:14:05,929
Debbie, see you at 1:00
on the massage table.
359
00:14:07,139 --> 00:14:08,682
Winston.
360
00:14:15,189 --> 00:14:16,607
Mm.
361
00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:18,692
We are gonna sneak
into Schmidt's
362
00:14:18,984 --> 00:14:20,694
and see what's really
inside those boxes.
363
00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:22,237
-Cece, darling...
-Hmm?
364
00:14:22,321 --> 00:14:24,406
-What?
-How long have we been friends?
365
00:14:24,489 --> 00:14:26,033
A week or so?
366
00:14:26,116 --> 00:14:27,993
-And have I ever steered you wrong?
-Well, no...
367
00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:29,453
Exactly.
Because I know you
368
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:30,829
better than anyone, girl.
369
00:14:30,913 --> 00:14:32,080
And you're acting
like a lunatic.
370
00:14:32,164 --> 00:14:33,207
I mean, the kind of lunatic
371
00:14:33,290 --> 00:14:34,499
other lunatics look at and go,
372
00:14:34,583 --> 00:14:35,709
"Oh, my God,
that bitch a lunatic."
373
00:14:35,792 --> 00:14:37,044
So I'm gonna
need you
374
00:14:37,127 --> 00:14:39,922
to figure out why you're
really doing all this for Schmidt...
375
00:14:42,132 --> 00:14:45,260
And then sort it out.
376
00:14:45,344 --> 00:14:47,554
You did not just
say that to me.
377
00:14:47,638 --> 00:14:49,348
Think about it, girl.
Shoot...
378
00:14:49,431 --> 00:14:51,350
Just to be clear, I did not ask
you to act like this, okay?
379
00:14:51,433 --> 00:14:54,269
-It's just kind of fun to do...
-Mm-hmm.
380
00:14:54,353 --> 00:14:55,729
Slow down, girl.
381
00:14:55,812 --> 00:14:57,689
You gonna eat that scone?
382
00:14:57,773 --> 00:14:58,941
-Damn it.
-Slow down.
383
00:14:59,024 --> 00:15:00,692
Are you, are you
gonna have this scone?
384
00:15:01,610 --> 00:15:03,070
-Hey, man.
-Hey, man.
385
00:15:03,153 --> 00:15:05,322
Just looking
at my Garbage Pail Kids.
386
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:07,741
Jess makes me
put 'em in a box.
387
00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:10,327
How are you gonna put art
like this in a box?
388
00:15:11,745 --> 00:15:14,248
-What's going on with you?
-Nothing...
389
00:15:14,331 --> 00:15:16,250
You will not
tell Nick
390
00:15:16,333 --> 00:15:17,835
that you saw me here
because then he'll get upset
391
00:15:17,918 --> 00:15:19,962
and I'm gonna have to move
into my old room,
392
00:15:20,045 --> 00:15:22,673
and that means that we suck as
a couple and that Abby was right
393
00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:24,383
and I cannot let that happen.
394
00:15:24,466 --> 00:15:26,760
Jess went to a hotel
because sharing a room with you
395
00:15:26,844 --> 00:15:28,262
is driving her crazy.
396
00:15:28,345 --> 00:15:30,973
(MOANS IN RELIEF)
397
00:15:31,056 --> 00:15:32,933
Dude, that really was
a tough one to keep in,
398
00:15:33,016 --> 00:15:35,018
but, honestly, I held my own
and I did my best.
399
00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:36,103
Are you kidding me?
400
00:15:36,186 --> 00:15:39,022
I can't believe it!
I changed in front of her!
401
00:15:39,106 --> 00:15:40,732
Sharing a room
is driving you crazy, too.
402
00:15:40,816 --> 00:15:42,776
But I didn't lie about it.
403
00:15:42,860 --> 00:15:46,154
I never get to win these things.
404
00:15:46,238 --> 00:15:47,948
So, anyway, I just want
to apologize.
405
00:15:48,156 --> 00:15:50,284
It was wrong of me
to get involved.
406
00:15:50,367 --> 00:15:53,287
Are you sure you don't want to tap Abby's
phone? Run a DNA sample?
407
00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:55,747
I don't want to be coarse, but
the bedroom is covered in it.
408
00:15:55,831 --> 00:15:57,499
I was worried about you, okay?
409
00:15:57,583 --> 00:15:59,418
I didn't want her
to take advantage of you
410
00:15:59,501 --> 00:16:01,086
'cause I know
that you will do...
411
00:16:01,170 --> 00:16:04,006
Anything for the people
that you care about.
412
00:16:05,632 --> 00:16:09,178
Well, I guess I could say
the same thing about you.
413
00:16:11,180 --> 00:16:13,515
And, you know what,
maybe Abby has changed.
414
00:16:13,599 --> 00:16:16,935
I'm thinking about helping Abby
lease a, a storefront
415
00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:18,729
for her jewelry.
Is that crazy?
416
00:16:18,812 --> 00:16:21,565
It's...
(CHUCKLES)
417
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:23,400
It's amazing. Don't hold back.
418
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:26,111
Here. Here, I want you
to have this.
419
00:16:26,195 --> 00:16:28,113
Oh.
Abby made it.
420
00:16:28,197 --> 00:16:29,406
Oh...
421
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:30,574
Mm...
422
00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:32,993
It's a cough
drop and...
423
00:16:33,076 --> 00:16:35,204
These are
hard candies. I see that.
424
00:16:35,287 --> 00:16:38,790
I... truly hate it.
425
00:16:38,874 --> 00:16:40,375
You're welcome.
426
00:16:40,459 --> 00:16:42,377
(SIGHS)
427
00:16:42,461 --> 00:16:44,338
-Oh.
-Oh, hey.
428
00:16:44,421 --> 00:16:46,757
-How was Sacramento?
-It was great. The kids cried
429
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:49,051
-when they saw the capital.
-Oh, did they? How many
430
00:16:49,134 --> 00:16:50,677
-students showed up?
-30.
431
00:16:50,761 --> 00:16:52,804
-What hotel did you stay at?
-Old Sacramento Inn.
432
00:16:52,888 --> 00:16:54,181
-What room did you stay in?
-523.
433
00:16:54,264 --> 00:16:55,974
-What floor was that on?
-Five.
434
00:16:56,058 --> 00:16:57,768
Was there an elevator to the
fourth floor?
435
00:16:57,851 --> 00:16:59,144
-Smoking or non-smoking?
-Fifth floor. Smoking.
436
00:16:59,228 --> 00:17:01,355
-You don't smoke.
-In Sacramento, I do.
437
00:17:01,438 --> 00:17:02,689
-What'd you have for breakfast?
-Continental.
438
00:17:02,773 --> 00:17:04,566
How are you this good
at lying? I know
439
00:17:04,650 --> 00:17:06,652
you're making this all up!
I know you didn't go
440
00:17:06,735 --> 00:17:09,530
to Sacramento. I know you went
to a hotel to be by yourself.
441
00:17:09,613 --> 00:17:12,866
-Damn it, Winston!
-WINSTON: Nick loved being alone, too!
442
00:17:12,950 --> 00:17:15,702
-Damn it, Winston!
-That's for my ding-a-ling!
443
00:17:15,786 --> 00:17:18,705
-You didn't like living together either?
-No,
444
00:17:18,789 --> 00:17:21,625
but it was your idea, and
it seemed like the thing to do.
445
00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:23,877
But at least I didn't lie
about it, Jess.
446
00:17:23,961 --> 00:17:26,255
-Okay, I did!
-But you were driving me crazy.
447
00:17:26,338 --> 00:17:27,923
(SOFTLY)
You wear a nightgown.
448
00:17:28,006 --> 00:17:29,091
Are you talking
about my long shirt?
449
00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:32,052
You look like
the Little Match Girl,
450
00:17:32,177 --> 00:17:34,221
wandering
around Victorian England
451
00:17:34,304 --> 00:17:36,723
selling matches for a penny.
452
00:17:36,807 --> 00:17:38,600
I look like George Washington.
453
00:17:38,684 --> 00:17:40,561
I was just trying to be a good couple.
454
00:17:40,644 --> 00:17:42,396
Schmidt and Abby are doing it.
455
00:17:42,479 --> 00:17:45,232
Well, Schmidt and Abby are crazy.
They're doing a lot of things.
456
00:17:45,315 --> 00:17:47,276
Why can't we do this?
457
00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:49,528
I don't know.
458
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,450
-Hey. Uh-oh.
-Hey.
459
00:17:55,534 --> 00:17:57,035
Last time I saw you day-drinking
460
00:17:57,119 --> 00:17:59,162
was when you got kicked out
of jazz ensemble.
461
00:17:59,246 --> 00:18:01,748
I'm still pissed off about that.
462
00:18:01,832 --> 00:18:05,043
What does that mean,
"too enthusiastic"?
463
00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:07,337
How come you're not at the hotel?
Did you and Nick break the bed?
464
00:18:07,421 --> 00:18:09,631
Because, legally, they cannot
make you pay for that.
465
00:18:09,715 --> 00:18:10,883
No. I was by myself.
466
00:18:10,966 --> 00:18:13,677
Oh, I've broken the bed
by myself.
467
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,137
Big-time.
468
00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:18,432
No, I went to the hotel
to get away from Nick.
469
00:18:18,515 --> 00:18:21,560
And I wore a robe and I watched a
documentary about Ethel Kennedy
470
00:18:21,643 --> 00:18:24,271
and it was one
of the best nights of my life.
471
00:18:24,354 --> 00:18:25,939
So you win.
Your relationship's
472
00:18:26,023 --> 00:18:29,026
better than mine. And I can't
even share a room with Nick.
473
00:18:29,109 --> 00:18:30,694
I don't win. Come on.
474
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:33,405
I swing from guy to guy.
475
00:18:33,488 --> 00:18:36,283
I don't think
I have ever paid my own rent.
476
00:18:36,366 --> 00:18:38,493
You travel the world,
collecting lovers.
477
00:18:38,577 --> 00:18:41,246
All my lovers
could fit in one SUV.
478
00:18:41,330 --> 00:18:44,333
And, yes, maybe somebody would
have to sit on someone's lap,
479
00:18:44,416 --> 00:18:46,335
but they would fit.
480
00:18:46,418 --> 00:18:48,170
And you're just... Brave.
481
00:18:48,253 --> 00:18:49,880
You and Nick are brave.
482
00:18:49,963 --> 00:18:52,299
You guys know each other,
you get under each other's skin.
483
00:18:52,382 --> 00:18:54,134
He has the feet
of a hippy cult leader.
484
00:18:54,218 --> 00:18:56,970
But that's the difference.
I just throw myself
485
00:18:57,054 --> 00:18:59,348
into whatever comes along
because...
486
00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:01,975
I really don't want to be alone.
487
00:19:02,601 --> 00:19:04,853
Why not? Being alone's great.
488
00:19:04,937 --> 00:19:06,104
You should try it sometime.
489
00:19:06,188 --> 00:19:08,482
Seriously. It might help you
figure yourself out.
490
00:19:09,149 --> 00:19:10,484
(SIGHS)
491
00:19:10,567 --> 00:19:12,277
You're Abby Freaking Day.
492
00:19:12,361 --> 00:19:14,571
You can do whatever you want.
493
00:19:16,198 --> 00:19:17,282
Except vote.
494
00:19:17,366 --> 00:19:19,284
-(LAUGHS)
-But, seriously,
495
00:19:19,368 --> 00:19:21,161
you should've seen
Nick's feet.
496
00:19:21,245 --> 00:19:24,623
The bottoms are all black,
except for one patch of yellow.
497
00:19:24,706 --> 00:19:26,083
(LAUGHS)
498
00:19:30,087 --> 00:19:32,214
-Hey. What are you doing?
-Hey. Oh,
499
00:19:32,297 --> 00:19:34,216
just packing up your things
and then I...
500
00:19:34,299 --> 00:19:36,969
thought about what you would
want and how you probably didn't
501
00:19:37,052 --> 00:19:40,055
want to move again, so I decided
to do the right thing
502
00:19:40,138 --> 00:19:41,390
and just take your room.
503
00:19:41,473 --> 00:19:42,850
-My room's bigger.
-Is it? I never...
504
00:19:42,933 --> 00:19:44,935
-Nice try.
-All right.
505
00:19:45,018 --> 00:19:46,395
I got to move some stuff
back then.
506
00:19:46,478 --> 00:19:47,813
-(CHUCKLES)
-Hey.
507
00:19:47,896 --> 00:19:50,315
I'm sorry that
this didn't work out.
508
00:19:51,567 --> 00:19:54,152
-I'm sorry that we sucked.
-Look, we don't suck.
509
00:19:54,236 --> 00:19:56,822
I'm crazy about you, but I don't
have to spend every second
510
00:19:56,905 --> 00:19:59,950
with you in what amounts
to a one-room log cabin.
511
00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:02,035
Cabins are what drove
the Pilgrims crazy. That's why
512
00:20:02,119 --> 00:20:04,413
they killed each other
at the Plymouth Rock Massacre.
513
00:20:04,496 --> 00:20:07,958
-That's not a real thing.
-So how did the millions of Pilgrims die?
514
00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:10,210
There definitely weren't
millions of Pilgrims.
515
00:20:10,294 --> 00:20:13,088
Then how do you explain
my 37-page essay about it?
516
00:20:13,172 --> 00:20:15,299
-I think you made it up in your head.
-This seems like one of those
517
00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:18,177
-"agree to disagree" moments...
-No. It's not.
518
00:20:18,260 --> 00:20:19,970
-I'm also older than you.
-Anyway,
519
00:20:20,053 --> 00:20:22,389
I love you and someday
we'll make this work.
520
00:20:22,472 --> 00:20:24,266
I think so, too.
Just, just not now.
521
00:20:24,349 --> 00:20:26,101
-Not like this.
-Yeah. Yeah.
522
00:20:26,185 --> 00:20:28,562
But if you're not doing
anything, want to come over?
523
00:20:28,645 --> 00:20:31,565
-I am over.
-(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
524
00:20:31,648 --> 00:20:33,358
JESS:
Oh! Hey, guys. Uh,
525
00:20:33,442 --> 00:20:35,777
just a little hot goss
from apartment 4C.
526
00:20:35,861 --> 00:20:37,821
Abby's gone.
527
00:20:37,905 --> 00:20:39,281
-What?
-She's gonna
528
00:20:39,364 --> 00:20:40,699
stay with your mom
for a little bit.
529
00:20:41,783 --> 00:20:44,578
Something about saving up
to be independent?
530
00:20:44,661 --> 00:20:45,996
Wow.
531
00:20:46,663 --> 00:20:48,332
Good for her.
(CHUCKLES)
532
00:20:48,415 --> 00:20:50,417
I'm sorry.
It's okay. You know...
533
00:20:50,501 --> 00:20:53,212
in hindsight, maybe we moved
a little bit too fast.
534
00:20:53,504 --> 00:20:55,297
I just wish
that I had realized that
535
00:20:55,380 --> 00:20:58,926
-before I rented her a storefront.
-You rented her a storefront?
536
00:20:59,009 --> 00:21:00,886
It was a three-year lease
in an undesirable neighborhood.
537
00:21:00,969 --> 00:21:03,305
(CHUCKLES) It totally
obliterated my bank account,
538
00:21:03,388 --> 00:21:05,682
so... I've decided
to sublet my place, and...
539
00:21:05,766 --> 00:21:08,143
I'll be moving back here,
under duress.
540
00:21:08,227 --> 00:21:09,770
Y-You're moving back in here?
541
00:21:09,853 --> 00:21:11,480
Well, it shouldn't be a problem, right?
I mean,
542
00:21:11,563 --> 00:21:14,441
Coach is in my room, and you
guys are now moving in together.
543
00:21:14,525 --> 00:21:16,276
-And, um...
-I'll just move into Jess' room. Cool?
544
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,612
-Yeah, but, like...
-Asking was just kind of a formality.
545
00:21:18,695 --> 00:21:21,949
'Cause my name's on the lease,
so... You guys are the best.
546
00:21:22,032 --> 00:21:24,326
JESS: Oh...
547
00:21:24,409 --> 00:21:27,162
(SIGHS)
(CHUCKLES)
548
00:21:27,246 --> 00:21:30,874
-Yay!
-Yay.
549
00:21:30,958 --> 00:21:32,918
-Cool.
-Great.
550
00:21:33,001 --> 00:21:34,461
-Let's do this.
-We can make it work.
551
00:21:34,545 --> 00:21:36,004
You have to start washing your feet.
41442
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