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1
00:00:01,126 --> 00:00:03,378
WINSTON: Man, this is gonna be fun! Oh!
COACH: Ah, come on!
2
00:00:03,462 --> 00:00:04,922
Get it close to the light.
3
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:08,509
Okay, just because you invented Sky Knife
doesn't mean you can tell me how to throw.
4
00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:10,219
Hurry up, man. You can do this.
5
00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:11,929
One, two, three.
6
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,889
-ALL: Sky Knife!
-(CHEERING)
7
00:00:13,972 --> 00:00:15,182
Yeah!
8
00:00:15,432 --> 00:00:16,433
What's up?
9
00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:18,393
-Oh, hey. What's up?
-Nothing, just a...
10
00:00:18,477 --> 00:00:19,645
-Hey, uh, straight-up chillin'.
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
11
00:00:19,728 --> 00:00:23,357
You guys, it's a really long story,
but I think I saw an eagle.
12
00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,359
I was shopping for books on Western...
13
00:00:25,442 --> 00:00:26,818
-Oh, my God!
-(ALL EXCLAIM)
14
00:00:26,902 --> 00:00:28,362
-Oh!
-Oh!
15
00:00:28,445 --> 00:00:31,281
-Oh, God, what the hell?
-You were in the drop zone.
16
00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:32,991
-Good save, Nick.
-You were a hero!
17
00:00:33,075 --> 00:00:34,076
-Hey, hey...
-Good save.
18
00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:36,245
We were playing Sky Knife. You mad?
19
00:00:36,328 --> 00:00:39,790
No. No. I... I think
it's been a great game this week.
20
00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:41,416
I'm amazed at how great it is.
21
00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:43,377
Uh! Awesome! I thought you were
gonna be mad.
22
00:00:43,794 --> 00:00:46,171
All right, I'm gonna go get the bad-ass
knives from Schmidt's house.
23
00:00:46,255 --> 00:00:47,506
-Cool.
-Get 'em, girl.
24
00:00:49,424 --> 00:00:51,677
Um, guys, we have a problem.
25
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,263
I know, but Abby's gonna fix it.
She's going to get the cooler knives.
26
00:00:54,346 --> 00:00:56,306
The problem is Abby.
27
00:00:56,390 --> 00:01:00,602
She's been here one week
and has already created chaos everywhere.
28
00:01:00,686 --> 00:01:02,229
I don't know if anybody noticed,
29
00:01:02,312 --> 00:01:04,273
but she destroyed my sunflower painting
30
00:01:04,356 --> 00:01:06,400
-with a picture of a penis.
-The iguana's cool.
31
00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:07,943
-I like the iguana.
-Who doesn't love an iguana?
32
00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:10,028
-With the glasses?
-Yeah, man. Yeah. I like its tail.
33
00:01:11,697 --> 00:01:13,323
Oh, my God, you guys, it's Terry.
34
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:14,992
The bastard found me. He wants his stuff.
35
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:16,577
Who's Terry? What's his stuff?
36
00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:18,620
-Cocaine drugs?
-Worse.
37
00:01:18,704 --> 00:01:20,080
You guys got to hide.
38
00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:21,707
Oh, my God, I knew this was gonna happen.
39
00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:23,792
Everybody in your earthquake spots now!
40
00:01:23,876 --> 00:01:25,586
-Jess!
-(LAUGHTER)
41
00:01:25,669 --> 00:01:27,129
She's messing with you.
42
00:01:27,212 --> 00:01:29,506
(LAUGHTER)
43
00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:30,674
Yeah, I know.
44
00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:33,427
We are messing with you.
45
00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:35,220
-No.
-I don't think you were involved.
46
00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:36,471
-Joke's on you, dude.
-You guys were all afraid of Terry.
47
00:01:36,555 --> 00:01:38,891
Us Day sisters up to our old pranks.
48
00:01:38,974 --> 00:01:40,726
-You're not part of it.
-(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Yes, I am!
49
00:01:40,809 --> 00:01:43,395
-You got messed with.
-You got messed with, not me.
50
00:01:43,478 --> 00:01:44,897
You're doing that voice
when you get messed with.
51
00:01:44,980 --> 00:01:46,023
No, I'm not.
52
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:47,941
You guys, this is so fun.
I want to live here.
53
00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:49,735
(FAKE LAUGHING) Ah, ha, ha!
54
00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:52,404
That was funny, 'cause
we're messing with you again.
55
00:01:52,487 --> 00:01:55,699
No. I'm serious. That one was real.
I think I should live here.
56
00:01:56,742 --> 00:01:57,993
I hate this game.
57
00:01:58,076 --> 00:01:59,411
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
58
00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:05,584
(SINGING)
Hey, girl, whatcha doing?
59
00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:10,297
Hey, girl, where you going?
60
00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:11,590
Who's that girl?
61
00:02:11,673 --> 00:02:13,175
Who's that girl?
62
00:02:13,258 --> 00:02:14,468
Who's that girl?
63
00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:17,596
-Who's that girl?
-It's Jess!
64
00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:20,724
(WHISTLES)
65
00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:27,147
-You looking up how to eat a bagel?
-(LAUGHS)
66
00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:30,150
No. I'm, uh, seeing if I passed
the LAPD entrance exam.
67
00:02:30,234 --> 00:02:32,778
Results go up in 30 seconds.
68
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:34,488
If you pass, you get to be a cop?
69
00:02:34,571 --> 00:02:36,532
No, I get to go to the
police academy, you know?
70
00:02:37,074 --> 00:02:38,951
I hope I get a dog partner.
71
00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:40,452
-Yeah.
-Oh, you are pretty calm
72
00:02:40,536 --> 00:02:42,454
for someone who's about
to get life-changing news.
73
00:02:42,538 --> 00:02:43,997
You must be really cool under pressure.
74
00:02:44,081 --> 00:02:46,625
No! I'm a huge choker.
75
00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:48,168
Huge! (LAUGHS)
76
00:02:48,252 --> 00:02:50,128
Girl, I ain't had a job
in over three months.
77
00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:52,673
So, this is that moment, I guess,
78
00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:54,883
when you find out
if you're really a failure or not.
79
00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:59,179
Check it. Excitement's killing me!
80
00:02:59,555 --> 00:03:01,515
Man, would you look at the time?
81
00:03:01,598 --> 00:03:04,184
Man. Girl, I got an obligation
82
00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:07,896
at a sandwich meeting to go to.
83
00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:13,193
Yes...
84
00:03:14,278 --> 00:03:17,906
NICK: (IN DRAMATIC VOICE) Well, you see,
loyalty has a price, Mr. President.
85
00:03:17,990 --> 00:03:19,366
Give me the hot dogs!
86
00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:24,037
Put the damn hot dogs in the bag,
you son of a bitch, and I won't...
87
00:03:24,121 --> 00:03:27,291
Oh, my God. What are we gonna do?
She can't move into...
88
00:03:27,833 --> 00:03:28,834
Take that off.
89
00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:31,170
-I hope those are clean.
-Enough.
90
00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:34,131
I don't want to be involved
with your weird thing with your sister.
91
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:36,508
It's not a weird thing with my sister.
92
00:03:37,009 --> 00:03:38,010
She is crazy.
93
00:03:38,093 --> 00:03:40,137
-No.
-She's wanted in Canada.
94
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:43,390
Canada. No one's wanted in Canada.
95
00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:45,893
Hey, uh, you guys want
to hang out, like, right now?
96
00:03:45,976 --> 00:03:48,854
Maybe go up to Alhambra,
try on a whole mess of jeans?
97
00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:50,397
Don't you find out about
that cop test today?
98
00:03:50,814 --> 00:03:53,275
Oh, you know... Oh, yeah. No.
99
00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:55,235
Look, man, the Alhambra thing, though...
100
00:03:55,319 --> 00:03:56,862
It's getting a lot of momentum, you know?
101
00:03:56,945 --> 00:03:58,572
So I think I'm gonna go ahead and do that
102
00:03:58,655 --> 00:04:01,033
'cause when you, you know,
when you do that, so...
103
00:04:01,116 --> 00:04:04,411
Okay, I'm gonna guarantee you
that Abby is responsible for that.
104
00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:05,829
WINSTON: Yeah, she got to me.
105
00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:08,457
If you don't want Abby to live here,
Jessica, why don't you just tell her?
106
00:04:08,540 --> 00:04:09,958
Nick, you can't just
107
00:04:10,042 --> 00:04:12,377
tell Abby to do something,
'cause she'll do the opposite.
108
00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:14,421
So I'm gonna have to go find
a place for her to live
109
00:04:14,505 --> 00:04:16,423
and make her think it's her idea.
110
00:04:16,673 --> 00:04:18,258
She can't find out what I'm up to.
111
00:04:18,342 --> 00:04:20,761
Do you think you can keep her
busy and lie to her all day?
112
00:04:20,844 --> 00:04:23,805
Jess, I come from a family
of con artists and liars.
113
00:04:24,139 --> 00:04:27,226
And the one thing I learned is
you can't lie to a liar.
114
00:04:27,309 --> 00:04:28,685
It don't fly.
115
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,270
Yeah, you shouldn't be involved.
116
00:04:30,354 --> 00:04:31,396
No, I shouldn't.
117
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:34,566
Wait a second.
118
00:04:34,650 --> 00:04:36,026
Are you doing reverse psychology?
119
00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:37,653
Yeah, it is reverse psychology.
120
00:04:37,736 --> 00:04:40,072
That is reverse psychology,
so you just reversed it,
121
00:04:40,155 --> 00:04:42,824
so now it's reverse, reverse,
which is just psychology.
122
00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:44,493
Hmm, which one is it?
123
00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:46,954
You outfoxed me. I'm in.
124
00:04:47,037 --> 00:04:48,330
I'm gonna do it.
125
00:04:48,413 --> 00:04:53,001
So, our time is up, but, um,
I don't have any more clients,
126
00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:54,336
-so, uh...
-Oh.
127
00:04:54,419 --> 00:04:56,004
You brought it with that less set, ma.
128
00:04:56,088 --> 00:04:58,131
I got to tell you. I mean,
what can't that butt do?
129
00:04:58,215 --> 00:05:00,843
-You shaped it, so you get dibs.
-Mmm.
130
00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:02,302
Dibs.
131
00:05:02,386 --> 00:05:03,846
(LAUGHTER)
132
00:05:03,929 --> 00:05:07,015
Can I get dibs? Because
both y'all butts look great.
133
00:05:07,099 --> 00:05:08,642
I mean, I can't tell who's in first place.
134
00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,437
Hey, uh, Coach, you know how you're always
getting on me about my pizza baby?
135
00:05:12,521 --> 00:05:14,273
-Yeah.
-Well, today is the day
136
00:05:14,356 --> 00:05:15,482
that I get rid of it.
137
00:05:15,566 --> 00:05:18,318
-I am here to train.
-Save it, dude.
138
00:05:18,402 --> 00:05:20,821
You're avoiding your test results.
Nick texted me.
139
00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:23,448
-Guess you can't outrun a text.
-Nope.
140
00:05:23,532 --> 00:05:24,700
Well, with the right amount of training...
141
00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:27,244
All right, listen to me.
Um, I need you to leave.
142
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:29,830
I'm with a client. A beautiful one.
143
00:05:30,122 --> 00:05:33,584
-I'm trying to, you know... (WHISTLES)
-Mmm.
144
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,169
You're trying to whistle.
145
00:05:35,252 --> 00:05:37,129
No, no, no, no, no,
I'm trying to have sex with her.
146
00:05:37,212 --> 00:05:39,256
Oh! Sex.
147
00:05:39,798 --> 00:05:42,926
But I did book you for
the entire afternoon, though.
148
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:44,469
(GROANS)
149
00:05:44,553 --> 00:05:45,762
-Why would you do that?
-But...
150
00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,097
If you guys are doing a little thing,
151
00:05:47,181 --> 00:05:48,348
-then I could easily just...
-Leave and check
152
00:05:48,432 --> 00:05:49,766
-your test scores?
-...do a tandem session.
153
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,310
-Oh, fun.
-Right?
154
00:05:51,393 --> 00:05:54,188
Coach, you should show him
that ground stretch you did on me earlier.
155
00:05:54,563 --> 00:05:56,940
It was opening me up really nicely.
156
00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:59,985
-Yes, please. (LAUGHS)
-I don't wanna.
157
00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:01,695
(GRUNTS)
158
00:06:02,404 --> 00:06:03,405
Oh.
159
00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:07,534
(SIGHS)
160
00:06:07,618 --> 00:06:08,744
(WINSTON GRUNTS)
161
00:06:08,827 --> 00:06:11,079
-This is amazing.
-Oh!
162
00:06:11,163 --> 00:06:13,749
I'm taking a little trip here, Coach.
163
00:06:13,832 --> 00:06:15,000
You know where I'm going.
164
00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:18,086
Why do I keep looking down? I don't know.
165
00:06:19,129 --> 00:06:23,342
This museum
is my favorite place in Los Angeles.
166
00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:25,093
Um... Come on, Nick.
167
00:06:25,177 --> 00:06:27,346
Jess is making you babysit me, right?
168
00:06:27,429 --> 00:06:28,680
Babysit you?
169
00:06:28,764 --> 00:06:30,307
(LAUGHING) What?
170
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:31,517
Like you're a little baby?
171
00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:33,060
No.
172
00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:35,896
-That's how you want to play this?
-Well, I'm not "playing" it.
173
00:06:36,271 --> 00:06:38,023
-Oh.
-Hey, hey, hey. What are you doing?
174
00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:39,566
-I just want to touch it.
-Don't touch it.
175
00:06:39,650 --> 00:06:40,776
-I just need to touch it.
-But it's not for touching.
176
00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:41,860
-(INHALES)
-Hey, hey!
177
00:06:41,944 --> 00:06:43,028
What? Can I not jump on it?
178
00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:44,321
-Abby.
-That's not allowed?
179
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:45,906
-Abby!
-Maybe I shouldn't
180
00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:47,241
climb all over the car.
181
00:06:47,324 --> 00:06:48,784
You need to get off of that car.
182
00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:51,119
Why don't you tell me
what it is Jess is up to?
183
00:06:51,203 --> 00:06:52,621
Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am,
184
00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:54,540
you're scratching the hood!
185
00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:56,041
Tell me what I want to know.
186
00:06:56,124 --> 00:06:57,709
-Get off there right now.
-There's nothing to tell!
187
00:06:57,793 --> 00:06:59,253
-Tell me what I want to know.
-There's nothing to tell!
188
00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:01,046
-Tell me what she's doing!
-Get her off!
189
00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:02,798
-If I tell you, will you get off the car?
-Yes.
190
00:07:02,881 --> 00:07:04,007
-You promise?
-Yes.
191
00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:05,884
She's looking for a safe apartment for you
192
00:07:05,968 --> 00:07:07,511
'cause she doesn't
want you to live with us!
193
00:07:10,055 --> 00:07:11,557
Now, would you please get off the car?
194
00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:14,560
Do you guys serve drinks here?
195
00:07:14,643 --> 00:07:18,063
(SIGHS) Why don't they give us Tasers?
196
00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:25,487
Wow. I mean, this place is beautiful.
197
00:07:25,571 --> 00:07:28,574
It makes the other nine places
we've seen today just kind of fade away.
198
00:07:29,241 --> 00:07:31,243
Yeah, um, tell me about the neighborhood.
199
00:07:31,577 --> 00:07:32,786
Is there a lot of nightlife?
200
00:07:32,870 --> 00:07:34,997
Well, this part of town is pretty quiet.
201
00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:37,374
Unless you count church bells.
Which you should.
202
00:07:37,833 --> 00:07:39,501
We have nine within hearing distance.
203
00:07:39,710 --> 00:07:43,130
What about the other tenants?
Are there single men between 18 and 65?
204
00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:45,465
Actually, make that 16 and 72.
205
00:07:45,549 --> 00:07:49,428
Most of the other tenants are
middle-aged gay veterans like myself.
206
00:07:49,511 --> 00:07:52,431
Oh. (QUIETLY) Jackpot.
207
00:07:52,514 --> 00:07:55,434
And if the demons come calling,
there's an emergency room
208
00:07:55,517 --> 00:07:58,187
-right across the street.
-You had me at "gay veterans."
209
00:07:58,270 --> 00:08:00,230
And then again at "emergency room."
210
00:08:00,314 --> 00:08:02,107
And before that at "church."
211
00:08:02,191 --> 00:08:05,861
I wish I could just travel back
in time and tell 19-year-old me
212
00:08:05,944 --> 00:08:07,529
to move into a place like this.
213
00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:10,908
Maybe I would've settled down.
Met a, you know, nice guy.
214
00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:14,494
Nothing flashy. Works in a bank,
makes a great veggie lasagna.
215
00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:16,830
-Okay, not now, Cece.
-No, don't stop her.
216
00:08:16,914 --> 00:08:18,332
Who is this guy?
217
00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:19,583
(LAUGHS) Right?
218
00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:21,084
(SIGHS)
219
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:23,212
Bet you are a mean dancer.
220
00:08:23,879 --> 00:08:24,922
Come on. Live a little.
221
00:08:25,339 --> 00:08:26,507
You were right to call me.
222
00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:28,425
Nobody deals with crazy girls
better than I do.
223
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:30,969
Crazy girls are kind of my Hurt Locker.
224
00:08:31,053 --> 00:08:32,095
-You know what I mean, Nick?
-Okay. Yeah.
225
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:34,890
Some... Some men, they can
just walk away. Not me.
226
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:37,017
-I just keep coming back.
-Okay,
227
00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,310
are you gonna help me get her off the car?
228
00:08:38,393 --> 00:08:40,103
-Mmm. You know what this is, Nick?
-What?
229
00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:42,356
This is nonsense.
And how do we deal with nonsense?
230
00:08:43,232 --> 00:08:46,318
No, no. We just don't stand for it,
is what we do.
231
00:08:46,401 --> 00:08:47,528
Security is on the way.
232
00:08:47,611 --> 00:08:50,572
Come on, you old bird. Get up here.
233
00:08:50,656 --> 00:08:52,574
I can't afford it.
234
00:08:52,658 --> 00:08:54,952
I'm already the staff troublemaker.
235
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:57,412
-Can you make it happen?
-I'm thinking.
236
00:09:00,249 --> 00:09:03,085
Where are you at right...
Like, is it kind of game... Yeah.
237
00:09:03,919 --> 00:09:05,712
Just shh.
238
00:09:07,965 --> 00:09:09,132
-I got it.
-You do?
239
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,385
Yeah. No nonsense.
240
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,722
Hey, Abby, look at me.
241
00:09:16,265 --> 00:09:17,349
Let's go get a taco.
242
00:09:17,432 --> 00:09:18,725
Okay.
243
00:09:18,809 --> 00:09:20,060
-You got to be kidding.
-There you go. Thank you.
244
00:09:20,394 --> 00:09:21,728
There you go. Perfect.
245
00:09:21,812 --> 00:09:24,314
Hey, you're not gonna tell Jess
I told you about the apartment, right?
246
00:09:24,565 --> 00:09:27,067
Hmm, I don't know. Maybe. We'll see.
247
00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:28,318
It'd be cool if you... 'Cause...
248
00:09:28,402 --> 00:09:29,778
Why don't you straighten
things up with the museum?
249
00:09:29,862 --> 00:09:32,531
Thank you. I appreciate that.
It's only $10!
250
00:09:32,614 --> 00:09:34,533
That's not gonna... It's $10!
251
00:09:34,616 --> 00:09:36,660
You snakes.
252
00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:37,870
COACH: Follow through.
253
00:09:37,953 --> 00:09:39,079
Yeah, all right.
254
00:09:39,162 --> 00:09:41,874
Or else that creepy guy at the bar
isn't gonna take his hand off your thigh.
255
00:09:41,957 --> 00:09:43,125
Hands off my thigh, dude!
256
00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:44,376
(GRUNTS, GROANS)
257
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:46,962
Off my thigh, dude.
258
00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:48,422
(GROANS)
259
00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:53,010
What are you doing, dude?
Stop stalling. Check your score.
260
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:54,928
I'm not stalling. (GROANS)
261
00:09:55,012 --> 00:09:56,889
I'm gonna have Anders work my core
262
00:09:56,972 --> 00:09:58,765
and maybe just go get some juice with him.
263
00:09:58,849 --> 00:10:01,268
No, um. No, I, I want juice. I'm...
264
00:10:01,351 --> 00:10:03,270
Hey, I bought your time.
I do whatever I want with it.
265
00:10:03,353 --> 00:10:05,230
-(GROANS)
-Go check your score!
266
00:10:05,314 --> 00:10:06,356
Hey, what are you doing?
267
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,066
-No. Wait, what are you doing, dude?
-I'm checking it myself!
268
00:10:08,150 --> 00:10:10,110
No! Come on, man!
269
00:10:10,194 --> 00:10:11,737
I said no, dude.
270
00:10:12,196 --> 00:10:13,238
No.
271
00:10:15,490 --> 00:10:16,575
What?
272
00:10:18,035 --> 00:10:19,328
You failed.
273
00:10:21,496 --> 00:10:22,539
(CHUCKLES)
274
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,333
I didn't even...
275
00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:27,085
You know, it's not even a...
276
00:10:28,754 --> 00:10:31,173
Yeah, it's not a big deal, so...
277
00:10:31,715 --> 00:10:33,008
You know, so...
278
00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:36,136
You should probably put
a passcode on your phone, dude.
279
00:10:40,474 --> 00:10:43,310
Hey, Schmidt!
Hey, Schmidt. Have you seen Abby?
280
00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:44,811
-Huh?
-(SULTRY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
281
00:10:45,354 --> 00:10:47,689
What are you... What are you doing?
282
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:50,234
I'm melting chocolate.
283
00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:54,530
(MUFFLED) Abby and I are having sex.
284
00:10:54,947 --> 00:10:56,990
(WHISPERS) What happened
to no nonsense, Schmidt?
285
00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:00,953
I've really changed my tune
on nonsense, Nick.
286
00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:02,246
You know, for the life of me,
287
00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:05,332
I could not understand the grasp
that Jess had on you,
288
00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:07,334
but if she came from the same
gene pool as this one...
289
00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:09,211
(CHUCKLES) Kudos, my friend.
290
00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:11,171
Even if it's a tenth
of what I just experienced.
291
00:11:11,255 --> 00:11:14,007
Even if it's a DeVito/Schwarzenegger
split from Twins.
292
00:11:14,091 --> 00:11:15,634
You calling Jess the DeVito?
293
00:11:15,717 --> 00:11:18,262
-What?
-Abby, I was supposed to be watching you.
294
00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:20,722
-Go ahead.
-Don't... Don't play tricks with my words.
295
00:11:20,806 --> 00:11:23,267
Jess is gonna kill me. She's gonna say
my name in that short, clipped way
296
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:24,643
-where she doesn't add the "K."
-What?
297
00:11:24,726 --> 00:11:26,854
When she's mad, she just says "Nic."
298
00:11:26,937 --> 00:11:30,107
Do you really think that the "K"
adds to the sound of your name?
299
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,441
-Yes.
-How do you usually say your name?
300
00:11:31,525 --> 00:11:33,068
-Nick.
-Say it without the "K."
301
00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:34,736
-Nic.
-It's the same thing.
302
00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:36,280
Stop distracting me!
303
00:11:36,488 --> 00:11:37,614
Nick, you're so worried
about disappointing Jess.
304
00:11:37,698 --> 00:11:39,241
Relax, man.
305
00:11:39,324 --> 00:11:41,743
-(DING)
-Okay, you got to get out of here.
306
00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:46,874
-(GRUNTS)
-(MOANS)
307
00:11:47,791 --> 00:11:48,834
-(GRUNTS)
-(GIGGLES)
308
00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:50,878
Oh...
309
00:11:54,673 --> 00:11:56,925
I choked.
310
00:11:57,009 --> 00:12:00,429
I choked, man. I'm 31.
I have nothing figured out.
311
00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:02,306
Can I not find a job?
312
00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:04,474
-I mean, I feel like I'm losing it.
-Dude,
313
00:12:04,766 --> 00:12:05,934
they're hiring here.
314
00:12:06,018 --> 00:12:08,645
You know I can't work here, man.
They never have any cookies.
315
00:12:08,729 --> 00:12:10,647
It's all the better, man!
There's no pressure.
316
00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:12,107
You get this job
317
00:12:12,191 --> 00:12:13,525
and then when you're ready,
you try the cop thing again.
318
00:12:14,818 --> 00:12:17,029
-Okay. Yeah.
-See?
319
00:12:17,112 --> 00:12:20,032
But now I'm sitting here thinking
about how badly I need this job.
320
00:12:20,115 --> 00:12:21,909
-Stop!
-I need this job real bad...
321
00:12:21,992 --> 00:12:24,494
Excuse me, um, could we get
a job application over here, please?
322
00:12:24,578 --> 00:12:27,247
In a way, I have a lot more
riding on this job
323
00:12:27,331 --> 00:12:28,707
than I do the cop thing.
324
00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:30,918
God, I'd love to work here!
325
00:12:32,544 --> 00:12:34,254
JESS: I got the apartment!
326
00:12:34,630 --> 00:12:36,465
The place is great. The only thing
327
00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:38,675
I'm a little worried about is there
is a Russian grocery store
328
00:12:38,759 --> 00:12:40,802
down the block and Abby has
a little bit of a weird thing
329
00:12:40,886 --> 00:12:42,221
with ethnic white people.
330
00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:44,681
But I think she could really thrive there!
331
00:12:45,349 --> 00:12:46,433
Where is she?
332
00:12:46,517 --> 00:12:47,726
-Where's who?
-Abby.
333
00:12:47,809 --> 00:12:49,686
Ab... Oh, she's sleeping.
334
00:12:50,145 --> 00:12:53,273
By herself. Which is called "napping."
335
00:12:53,357 --> 00:12:55,776
Okay, I'm gonna start secretly
packing up some of her stuff.
336
00:12:55,859 --> 00:12:57,236
Do you think you can keep distracting her?
337
00:12:57,319 --> 00:12:58,862
-Yes, yeah, you know, just...
-Good.
338
00:12:58,946 --> 00:13:00,280
...how do we distract her?
339
00:13:00,364 --> 00:13:02,824
How do you distract a woman like that?
340
00:13:02,908 --> 00:13:04,826
Probably a guy. (LAUGHS) Right?
341
00:13:04,910 --> 00:13:06,495
Who can we set her up with?
342
00:13:06,995 --> 00:13:09,081
Well, well, well, who do we have?
343
00:13:09,164 --> 00:13:11,166
Coach. (LAUGHS) No.
344
00:13:11,750 --> 00:13:13,752
-Winston...
-That's actually kind of a good idea...
345
00:13:13,836 --> 00:13:14,920
No!
346
00:13:15,587 --> 00:13:17,840
-Schmidt!
-That's a terrible idea.
347
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:20,092
But in the same sense...
348
00:13:20,175 --> 00:13:21,718
Abby will wreck Schmidt!
349
00:13:22,386 --> 00:13:23,971
-Well, then luckily, the...
-So, here's the plan.
350
00:13:24,054 --> 00:13:27,349
We're gonna have a nice dinner.
We're gonna get her buzzed but not drunk.
351
00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:29,893
And then we're gonna
casually and naturally
352
00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:32,980
bring up the apartment
so she thinks it's her idea.
353
00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:34,648
-And I can do that, okay?
-Okay, good.
354
00:13:35,065 --> 00:13:37,150
-I'm glad.
-I'll act cool, natural.
355
00:13:37,609 --> 00:13:39,528
Casual. Au naturel.
356
00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:41,446
-Au casual.
-You know what?
357
00:13:41,947 --> 00:13:43,365
Maybe I should write you some lines, pal.
358
00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:46,201
Yeah, I'd really appreciate that 'cause...
Maybe not a lot of words.
359
00:13:47,995 --> 00:13:50,831
Uh, so tell me,
what are your three weakest qualities?
360
00:13:50,914 --> 00:13:53,000
(CHUCKLES) See...
361
00:13:53,083 --> 00:13:54,209
(WHISPERING) Just say "perfectionist."
362
00:13:54,293 --> 00:13:55,586
-Perfectionist.
-Yeah.
363
00:13:57,462 --> 00:14:00,132
And the other two... Um...
364
00:14:01,216 --> 00:14:02,593
(LAUGHS)
365
00:14:02,676 --> 00:14:03,927
(SPUTTERING)
366
00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:07,389
I'm overheating, right?
I'm overheating, okay?
367
00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:08,807
So here's what we're gonna do now...
368
00:14:08,891 --> 00:14:11,602
I'm just gonna shoot
from the hip, little rapid fire,
369
00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:13,937
give you some fun facts
you might not know about me.
370
00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:16,398
I hate standing up, I'm bad with numbers,
371
00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:17,608
and...
372
00:14:17,691 --> 00:14:20,402
I just honestly,
from the bottom of my heart,
373
00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:23,155
don't think women should be
allowed to handle money.
374
00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:25,449
Just, that's for real.
375
00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:29,828
Let's just move on to the salary.
376
00:14:31,038 --> 00:14:32,998
And you didn't even fill out
the back of the application.
377
00:14:33,498 --> 00:14:34,791
There's a back?
378
00:14:36,418 --> 00:14:37,711
There is a back to the application?
379
00:14:37,961 --> 00:14:39,046
-Coach.
-What?
380
00:14:39,463 --> 00:14:42,549
The LAPD exam, maybe it had a back.
381
00:14:43,759 --> 00:14:45,427
You didn't check to see if it had a back?
382
00:14:45,511 --> 00:14:46,803
We got to go to the precinct.
383
00:14:46,887 --> 00:14:48,847
I didn't choke. I'm just careless.
384
00:14:49,223 --> 00:14:53,185
And that is my biggest
weakness, you bitch.
385
00:14:53,644 --> 00:14:55,312
-I'm so sorry, dude. I'm so sorry, dude.
-Yeah, that was bad.
386
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:57,022
-Man, I didn't even mean that.
-All right, get out of here.
387
00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:59,691
-Get out of here.
-Dawg, I didn't mean that at all, man.
388
00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:01,985
To our newest resident.
389
00:15:02,528 --> 00:15:05,322
The City of Angels
has sprouted another pair of wings.
390
00:15:05,614 --> 00:15:09,451
It's a majestic city,
drenched in sunshine,
391
00:15:09,535 --> 00:15:13,956
that is actually just a collection
of 75 different neighborhoods.
392
00:15:14,039 --> 00:15:15,958
Wow, I had no idea.
393
00:15:16,041 --> 00:15:17,835
Please continue to tell me more.
394
00:15:17,918 --> 00:15:19,962
-You want more?
-Who wants to rediscover couscous?
395
00:15:20,045 --> 00:15:21,797
Hey, what the hell
are you doing here, Schmidt?
396
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,424
ABBY: I invited him.
I live here, too, right?
397
00:15:24,508 --> 00:15:25,551
-Yeah, but...
-It's okay,
398
00:15:25,634 --> 00:15:28,428
Abby can make her own decisions,
no matter what they might lead to.
399
00:15:28,887 --> 00:15:30,764
-Thank you.
-Now, somebody call the pound
400
00:15:30,848 --> 00:15:32,391
'cause my stomach is growling.
401
00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:36,937
I said my stomach is growling.
402
00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:39,606
Sp... Okay, uh, speaking of dinner,
403
00:15:40,065 --> 00:15:42,693
there are a lot of great options
in North Hollywood.
404
00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:45,696
It's a real hot spot
full of young, hip people
405
00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:47,072
who will be the leaders of tomorrow.
406
00:15:47,155 --> 00:15:48,991
-More wine?
-Great.
407
00:15:50,033 --> 00:15:53,453
If I were moving to LA now,
I'd say yes-ho to NoHo.
408
00:15:53,871 --> 00:15:55,414
NICK: Hey, hey, what are you doing?
409
00:15:55,497 --> 00:15:56,915
Oh, my.
410
00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:58,417
Stop touching him, Abby.
411
00:15:58,834 --> 00:15:59,918
I'm sorry, what'd you say?
412
00:16:00,502 --> 00:16:02,171
-Touch him more?
-Do not touch him.
413
00:16:02,963 --> 00:16:05,007
What are you... Do not do this right now.
414
00:16:05,090 --> 00:16:06,425
(WHISPERING) How about that?
415
00:16:07,676 --> 00:16:11,722
As luck would have it, I actually know
of a place in North Hollywood
416
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,057
with great tile work.
417
00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:16,059
(POURING WINE)
418
00:16:17,686 --> 00:16:20,689
-I said, "Great tile work."
-Oh, for the first 12 months.
419
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:22,983
(JESS LAUGHS)
420
00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:25,444
I think what you really mean to say is
421
00:16:25,527 --> 00:16:28,655
there's an introductory offer
for cable television.
422
00:16:28,739 --> 00:16:30,407
-That's it, yeah...
-Cable's a scam, I tell ya.
423
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:31,909
Sa... Satellite.
424
00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:34,411
What happened to no nonsense, Schmidt?
425
00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:35,662
Satellite's where it's at.
426
00:16:35,746 --> 00:16:37,748
(WHISPERING) Nonsense has
the hands of an angel.
427
00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:39,124
Okay, what's going on here?
428
00:16:39,208 --> 00:16:40,918
(CHUCKLES)
429
00:16:41,502 --> 00:16:43,629
I told Abby about the apartment,
and now she's
430
00:16:44,254 --> 00:16:46,256
giving Schmidt a special.
431
00:16:49,051 --> 00:16:51,053
Don't look at me. Just look away.
432
00:16:51,512 --> 00:16:54,264
Look away, look... Or look right at me.
433
00:16:58,727 --> 00:17:00,979
-So this was going on the whole time?
-Yes.
434
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:03,190
And the hands are just the half of it.
435
00:17:03,273 --> 00:17:05,526
I mean, there's been banging
and poking and scratching
436
00:17:06,318 --> 00:17:08,654
and hanging and teasing, such teasing.
437
00:17:08,737 --> 00:17:11,365
I mean, really excruciating,
life-giving teasing.
438
00:17:11,448 --> 00:17:13,784
Shut up, Schmidt! She was talking to me.
439
00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:16,787
This has been a whole day of lying
and I can't take it.
440
00:17:16,870 --> 00:17:19,248
First I had to lie to Abby,
and so I spilled the beans
441
00:17:19,331 --> 00:17:20,624
about the apartment. I'm sorry.
442
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:23,544
And then I had to lie about Abby
and Schmidt and the boning.
443
00:17:23,627 --> 00:17:27,005
And then the manipulating
and the out-manipulating...
444
00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:28,423
That's lying!
445
00:17:28,507 --> 00:17:31,802
If you guys were just honest
with each other for one second,
446
00:17:31,885 --> 00:17:33,846
none of this would have happened.
447
00:17:33,929 --> 00:17:35,681
Okay. All right. Abby...
448
00:17:36,265 --> 00:17:40,060
I'm really sorry I tried to trick you,
but I just want what's best for you.
449
00:17:40,519 --> 00:17:42,855
-One of us has to!
-You know, that is your problem.
450
00:17:43,188 --> 00:17:44,773
You think you're better than people
and you always try to fix them.
451
00:17:44,857 --> 00:17:46,483
-No, I don't!
-Yes, you do.
452
00:17:46,567 --> 00:17:48,193
You've done it your whole life.
It's annoying.
453
00:17:48,277 --> 00:17:49,570
You know what? Yes.
454
00:17:49,653 --> 00:17:52,739
Yes. I would like to fix you. No...
455
00:17:52,823 --> 00:17:56,451
I would love to fix you!
But I'm done trying.
456
00:17:56,535 --> 00:17:57,786
Because you're not changing.
457
00:17:57,870 --> 00:18:02,791
And you don't think or care
about other people at all, and I do.
458
00:18:02,875 --> 00:18:05,127
And that's why I don't want you
living in this loft.
459
00:18:06,503 --> 00:18:08,672
(SCOFFS) That's honest.
460
00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:11,091
You're a garbage person
461
00:18:11,175 --> 00:18:13,051
and you should live in
a dumpster with rotten snails.
462
00:18:13,427 --> 00:18:14,928
Hey! Nick!
463
00:18:15,470 --> 00:18:17,097
-Too far!
-Yeah, way over the line, buddy.
464
00:18:17,181 --> 00:18:18,223
Yeah, but I thought
we were just piling it...
465
00:18:18,307 --> 00:18:20,225
-That's my sister, dude.
-I didn't mean that, yeah.
466
00:18:20,309 --> 00:18:22,561
-Sorry.
-ABBY: Well...
467
00:18:22,644 --> 00:18:25,522
Lucky for you, I'm moving out.
468
00:18:25,606 --> 00:18:28,609
Oh, thank God, Abby. Oh, my God.
469
00:18:28,692 --> 00:18:30,277
You're really gonna like this place.
470
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:32,279
-It's so nice...
-I'm moving in with Schmidt.
471
00:18:32,362 --> 00:18:33,906
What... What's that, now?
You're moving in with who?
472
00:18:33,989 --> 00:18:35,407
-Seriously?
-We would have sex all the time.
473
00:18:35,490 --> 00:18:37,075
(CHUCKLES) Dinner was lovely, you guys.
474
00:18:37,159 --> 00:18:38,827
-Thank you so much.
-Bye.
475
00:18:40,204 --> 00:18:41,663
-What?
-SCHMIDT: Ooh. Hey, uh, Jess?
476
00:18:42,414 --> 00:18:44,458
Can I borrow your glasses?
We're gonna role-play as you guys.
477
00:18:44,917 --> 00:18:46,210
Ew. No.
478
00:18:46,293 --> 00:18:47,628
You don't understand.
479
00:18:47,711 --> 00:18:49,505
She's not gonna be you. I'm gonna be you.
480
00:18:49,588 --> 00:18:50,881
-Ugh! Get out, Schmidt!
-Get out of here!
481
00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:52,341
Okay...
482
00:18:53,634 --> 00:18:55,427
Oh, God!
483
00:18:56,094 --> 00:18:57,679
WINSTON: What's up, my man?
484
00:18:57,763 --> 00:19:00,307
I took the test last week...
Or should I say, I took
485
00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:02,267
the front part of the test last week,
486
00:19:02,351 --> 00:19:05,103
and, sir, I am here
to finish what I started.
487
00:19:05,729 --> 00:19:07,356
-What?
-What he's trying to say is
488
00:19:07,439 --> 00:19:10,317
he took the entrance exam,
but he forgot to do the back half.
489
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,486
Well, the test is
administered on a computer.
490
00:19:12,569 --> 00:19:13,737
There is no back.
491
00:19:15,489 --> 00:19:17,157
(SIGHS)
492
00:19:17,241 --> 00:19:19,159
You took the test on a computer?
493
00:19:19,243 --> 00:19:21,286
I choked. I am a failure. I am a loser.
494
00:19:21,370 --> 00:19:24,498
I am never gonna amount to anything.
I'm never gonna shoot somebody.
495
00:19:24,581 --> 00:19:27,709
Dude, have some dignity, all right?
496
00:19:27,793 --> 00:19:29,127
Thank you for your time, sir.
497
00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:30,879
COACH: Winston.
498
00:19:30,963 --> 00:19:33,298
Winston! Yo!
499
00:19:33,382 --> 00:19:34,591
Winston!
500
00:19:35,425 --> 00:19:37,719
Dude, you failed, man.
501
00:19:38,303 --> 00:19:40,848
You fail hard! At everything!
502
00:19:41,139 --> 00:19:43,851
-Dude, this pep talk sucks.
-I'm not finished.
503
00:19:43,934 --> 00:19:45,686
Like, seriously, it's like
the Winston of pep talks.
504
00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:47,104
Look at me.
505
00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:48,564
You can do this, Winston.
506
00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:51,275
Because now there's
nothing to be afraid of.
507
00:19:51,984 --> 00:19:53,735
You hit rock bottom, man.
508
00:19:53,819 --> 00:19:55,654
This is the worst it's gonna get.
509
00:20:00,868 --> 00:20:04,496
Sir, it has been my dream to become a cop.
510
00:20:05,455 --> 00:20:07,040
And no one's gonna stand in my way...
511
00:20:07,124 --> 00:20:08,417
Not you, not him...
512
00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:10,127
Hey, I was helping.
513
00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:11,587
...and definitely not myself.
514
00:20:12,296 --> 00:20:14,006
I would like to retake this test.
515
00:20:15,007 --> 00:20:16,842
Well, there's one at 7:30 tomorrow.
516
00:20:17,259 --> 00:20:19,011
Man, what about my last score
makes you think
517
00:20:19,094 --> 00:20:20,804
I'm ready to take this test
again in 12 hours?
518
00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:23,891
-He'll be there. Yeah.
-Yeah, I'll be there.
519
00:20:25,350 --> 00:20:28,478
Thank you for messing everything up
and being such a terrible liar.
520
00:20:28,562 --> 00:20:30,606
-Uh, you are very welcome.
-I think I really needed
521
00:20:30,689 --> 00:20:32,065
to say that stuff to my sister.
522
00:20:32,149 --> 00:20:34,693
-She's gonna wreck Schmidt.
-Oof...
523
00:20:34,776 --> 00:20:36,403
He has no idea.
524
00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:38,780
I'm sorry my family's so crazy.
525
00:20:38,864 --> 00:20:39,865
Crazy?
526
00:20:39,948 --> 00:20:41,742
Your family's not crazy.
My family's crazy.
527
00:20:42,326 --> 00:20:43,994
My father used to trade horse semen.
528
00:20:44,077 --> 00:20:46,997
I've got an uncle
whose God-given name is Shifty.
529
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:48,248
(LAUGHING)
530
00:20:49,499 --> 00:20:52,669
Well, thank goodness...
We're the sane ones.
531
00:20:52,753 --> 00:20:53,962
(CHUCKLES)
532
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:58,509
-So... Uh-huh.
-Okay, now, remember, up, and...
533
00:20:59,176 --> 00:21:01,428
(SCREAMS)
534
00:21:01,512 --> 00:21:02,763
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
535
00:21:04,556 --> 00:21:07,100
-Hello, Abby.
-Hey. S'up?
536
00:21:07,851 --> 00:21:09,019
Have you thought about
what you're gonna do
537
00:21:09,102 --> 00:21:10,729
if they pair you with a dirty cop?
538
00:21:12,189 --> 00:21:15,275
Well, then, I would just
go to Internal Affairs.
539
00:21:15,359 --> 00:21:16,527
Well, that's a good way to get killed.
540
00:21:17,194 --> 00:21:18,362
Then at least I would die a hero.
541
00:21:18,445 --> 00:21:19,655
Hmm, no, you won't.
542
00:21:20,322 --> 00:21:22,074
They'll put you in panties
and then they'll plant you
543
00:21:22,157 --> 00:21:23,325
next to a dead prostitute.
544
00:21:24,243 --> 00:21:25,452
That's a poor lady.
545
00:21:25,536 --> 00:21:27,204
It'd be a dude.
546
00:21:27,287 --> 00:21:29,248
-(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
-But it's awesome!
547
00:21:29,331 --> 00:21:31,667
Good luck on the exam!
548
00:21:34,086 --> 00:21:35,963
They got dude prostitutes?
549
00:21:36,713 --> 00:21:37,923
Nuh-uh.
41610
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