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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,126 --> 00:00:03,378 WINSTON: Man, this is gonna be fun! Oh! COACH: Ah, come on! 2 00:00:03,462 --> 00:00:04,922 Get it close to the light. 3 00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:08,509 Okay, just because you invented Sky Knife doesn't mean you can tell me how to throw. 4 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:10,219 Hurry up, man. You can do this. 5 00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:11,929 One, two, three. 6 00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,889 -ALL: Sky Knife! -(CHEERING) 7 00:00:13,972 --> 00:00:15,182 Yeah! 8 00:00:15,432 --> 00:00:16,433 What's up? 9 00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:18,393 -Oh, hey. What's up? -Nothing, just a... 10 00:00:18,477 --> 00:00:19,645 -Hey, uh, straight-up chillin'. -(INDISTINCT CHATTER) 11 00:00:19,728 --> 00:00:23,357 You guys, it's a really long story, but I think I saw an eagle. 12 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,359 I was shopping for books on Western... 13 00:00:25,442 --> 00:00:26,818 -Oh, my God! -(ALL EXCLAIM) 14 00:00:26,902 --> 00:00:28,362 -Oh! -Oh! 15 00:00:28,445 --> 00:00:31,281 -Oh, God, what the hell? -You were in the drop zone. 16 00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:32,991 -Good save, Nick. -You were a hero! 17 00:00:33,075 --> 00:00:34,076 -Hey, hey... -Good save. 18 00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:36,245 We were playing Sky Knife. You mad? 19 00:00:36,328 --> 00:00:39,790 No. No. I... I think it's been a great game this week. 20 00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:41,416 I'm amazed at how great it is. 21 00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:43,377 Uh! Awesome! I thought you were gonna be mad. 22 00:00:43,794 --> 00:00:46,171 All right, I'm gonna go get the bad-ass knives from Schmidt's house. 23 00:00:46,255 --> 00:00:47,506 -Cool. -Get 'em, girl. 24 00:00:49,424 --> 00:00:51,677 Um, guys, we have a problem. 25 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,263 I know, but Abby's gonna fix it. She's going to get the cooler knives. 26 00:00:54,346 --> 00:00:56,306 The problem is Abby. 27 00:00:56,390 --> 00:01:00,602 She's been here one week and has already created chaos everywhere. 28 00:01:00,686 --> 00:01:02,229 I don't know if anybody noticed, 29 00:01:02,312 --> 00:01:04,273 but she destroyed my sunflower painting 30 00:01:04,356 --> 00:01:06,400 -with a picture of a penis. -The iguana's cool. 31 00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:07,943 -I like the iguana. -Who doesn't love an iguana? 32 00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:10,028 -With the glasses? -Yeah, man. Yeah. I like its tail. 33 00:01:11,697 --> 00:01:13,323 Oh, my God, you guys, it's Terry. 34 00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:14,992 The bastard found me. He wants his stuff. 35 00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:16,577 Who's Terry? What's his stuff? 36 00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:18,620 -Cocaine drugs? -Worse. 37 00:01:18,704 --> 00:01:20,080 You guys got to hide. 38 00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:21,707 Oh, my God, I knew this was gonna happen. 39 00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:23,792 Everybody in your earthquake spots now! 40 00:01:23,876 --> 00:01:25,586 -Jess! -(LAUGHTER) 41 00:01:25,669 --> 00:01:27,129 She's messing with you. 42 00:01:27,212 --> 00:01:29,506 (LAUGHTER) 43 00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:30,674 Yeah, I know. 44 00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:33,427 We are messing with you. 45 00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:35,220 -No. -I don't think you were involved. 46 00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:36,471 -Joke's on you, dude. -You guys were all afraid of Terry. 47 00:01:36,555 --> 00:01:38,891 Us Day sisters up to our old pranks. 48 00:01:38,974 --> 00:01:40,726 -You're not part of it. -(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Yes, I am! 49 00:01:40,809 --> 00:01:43,395 -You got messed with. -You got messed with, not me. 50 00:01:43,478 --> 00:01:44,897 You're doing that voice when you get messed with. 51 00:01:44,980 --> 00:01:46,023 No, I'm not. 52 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:47,941 You guys, this is so fun. I want to live here. 53 00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:49,735 (FAKE LAUGHING) Ah, ha, ha! 54 00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:52,404 That was funny, 'cause we're messing with you again. 55 00:01:52,487 --> 00:01:55,699 No. I'm serious. That one was real. I think I should live here. 56 00:01:56,742 --> 00:01:57,993 I hate this game. 57 00:01:58,076 --> 00:01:59,411 (ALL EXCLAIMING) 58 00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:05,584 (SINGING) Hey, girl, whatcha doing? 59 00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:10,297 Hey, girl, where you going? 60 00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:11,590 Who's that girl? 61 00:02:11,673 --> 00:02:13,175 Who's that girl? 62 00:02:13,258 --> 00:02:14,468 Who's that girl? 63 00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:17,596 -Who's that girl? -It's Jess! 64 00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:20,724 (WHISTLES) 65 00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:27,147 -You looking up how to eat a bagel? -(LAUGHS) 66 00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:30,150 No. I'm, uh, seeing if I passed the LAPD entrance exam. 67 00:02:30,234 --> 00:02:32,778 Results go up in 30 seconds. 68 00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:34,488 If you pass, you get to be a cop? 69 00:02:34,571 --> 00:02:36,532 No, I get to go to the police academy, you know? 70 00:02:37,074 --> 00:02:38,951 I hope I get a dog partner. 71 00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:40,452 -Yeah. -Oh, you are pretty calm 72 00:02:40,536 --> 00:02:42,454 for someone who's about to get life-changing news. 73 00:02:42,538 --> 00:02:43,997 You must be really cool under pressure. 74 00:02:44,081 --> 00:02:46,625 No! I'm a huge choker. 75 00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:48,168 Huge! (LAUGHS) 76 00:02:48,252 --> 00:02:50,128 Girl, I ain't had a job in over three months. 77 00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:52,673 So, this is that moment, I guess, 78 00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:54,883 when you find out if you're really a failure or not. 79 00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:59,179 Check it. Excitement's killing me! 80 00:02:59,555 --> 00:03:01,515 Man, would you look at the time? 81 00:03:01,598 --> 00:03:04,184 Man. Girl, I got an obligation 82 00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:07,896 at a sandwich meeting to go to. 83 00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:13,193 Yes... 84 00:03:14,278 --> 00:03:17,906 NICK: (IN DRAMATIC VOICE) Well, you see, loyalty has a price, Mr. President. 85 00:03:17,990 --> 00:03:19,366 Give me the hot dogs! 86 00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:24,037 Put the damn hot dogs in the bag, you son of a bitch, and I won't... 87 00:03:24,121 --> 00:03:27,291 Oh, my God. What are we gonna do? She can't move into... 88 00:03:27,833 --> 00:03:28,834 Take that off. 89 00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:31,170 -I hope those are clean. -Enough. 90 00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:34,131 I don't want to be involved with your weird thing with your sister. 91 00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:36,508 It's not a weird thing with my sister. 92 00:03:37,009 --> 00:03:38,010 She is crazy. 93 00:03:38,093 --> 00:03:40,137 -No. -She's wanted in Canada. 94 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:43,390 Canada. No one's wanted in Canada. 95 00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:45,893 Hey, uh, you guys want to hang out, like, right now? 96 00:03:45,976 --> 00:03:48,854 Maybe go up to Alhambra, try on a whole mess of jeans? 97 00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:50,397 Don't you find out about that cop test today? 98 00:03:50,814 --> 00:03:53,275 Oh, you know... Oh, yeah. No. 99 00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:55,235 Look, man, the Alhambra thing, though... 100 00:03:55,319 --> 00:03:56,862 It's getting a lot of momentum, you know? 101 00:03:56,945 --> 00:03:58,572 So I think I'm gonna go ahead and do that 102 00:03:58,655 --> 00:04:01,033 'cause when you, you know, when you do that, so... 103 00:04:01,116 --> 00:04:04,411 Okay, I'm gonna guarantee you that Abby is responsible for that. 104 00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:05,829 WINSTON: Yeah, she got to me. 105 00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:08,457 If you don't want Abby to live here, Jessica, why don't you just tell her? 106 00:04:08,540 --> 00:04:09,958 Nick, you can't just 107 00:04:10,042 --> 00:04:12,377 tell Abby to do something, 'cause she'll do the opposite. 108 00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:14,421 So I'm gonna have to go find a place for her to live 109 00:04:14,505 --> 00:04:16,423 and make her think it's her idea. 110 00:04:16,673 --> 00:04:18,258 She can't find out what I'm up to. 111 00:04:18,342 --> 00:04:20,761 Do you think you can keep her busy and lie to her all day? 112 00:04:20,844 --> 00:04:23,805 Jess, I come from a family of con artists and liars. 113 00:04:24,139 --> 00:04:27,226 And the one thing I learned is you can't lie to a liar. 114 00:04:27,309 --> 00:04:28,685 It don't fly. 115 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,270 Yeah, you shouldn't be involved. 116 00:04:30,354 --> 00:04:31,396 No, I shouldn't. 117 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:34,566 Wait a second. 118 00:04:34,650 --> 00:04:36,026 Are you doing reverse psychology? 119 00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:37,653 Yeah, it is reverse psychology. 120 00:04:37,736 --> 00:04:40,072 That is reverse psychology, so you just reversed it, 121 00:04:40,155 --> 00:04:42,824 so now it's reverse, reverse, which is just psychology. 122 00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:44,493 Hmm, which one is it? 123 00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:46,954 You outfoxed me. I'm in. 124 00:04:47,037 --> 00:04:48,330 I'm gonna do it. 125 00:04:48,413 --> 00:04:53,001 So, our time is up, but, um, I don't have any more clients, 126 00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:54,336 -so, uh... -Oh. 127 00:04:54,419 --> 00:04:56,004 You brought it with that less set, ma. 128 00:04:56,088 --> 00:04:58,131 I got to tell you. I mean, what can't that butt do? 129 00:04:58,215 --> 00:05:00,843 -You shaped it, so you get dibs. -Mmm. 130 00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:02,302 Dibs. 131 00:05:02,386 --> 00:05:03,846 (LAUGHTER) 132 00:05:03,929 --> 00:05:07,015 Can I get dibs? Because both y'all butts look great. 133 00:05:07,099 --> 00:05:08,642 I mean, I can't tell who's in first place. 134 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,437 Hey, uh, Coach, you know how you're always getting on me about my pizza baby? 135 00:05:12,521 --> 00:05:14,273 -Yeah. -Well, today is the day 136 00:05:14,356 --> 00:05:15,482 that I get rid of it. 137 00:05:15,566 --> 00:05:18,318 -I am here to train. -Save it, dude. 138 00:05:18,402 --> 00:05:20,821 You're avoiding your test results. Nick texted me. 139 00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:23,448 -Guess you can't outrun a text. -Nope. 140 00:05:23,532 --> 00:05:24,700 Well, with the right amount of training... 141 00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:27,244 All right, listen to me. Um, I need you to leave. 142 00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:29,830 I'm with a client. A beautiful one. 143 00:05:30,122 --> 00:05:33,584 -I'm trying to, you know... (WHISTLES) -Mmm. 144 00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,169 You're trying to whistle. 145 00:05:35,252 --> 00:05:37,129 No, no, no, no, no, I'm trying to have sex with her. 146 00:05:37,212 --> 00:05:39,256 Oh! Sex. 147 00:05:39,798 --> 00:05:42,926 But I did book you for the entire afternoon, though. 148 00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:44,469 (GROANS) 149 00:05:44,553 --> 00:05:45,762 -Why would you do that? -But... 150 00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,097 If you guys are doing a little thing, 151 00:05:47,181 --> 00:05:48,348 -then I could easily just... -Leave and check 152 00:05:48,432 --> 00:05:49,766 -your test scores? -...do a tandem session. 153 00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,310 -Oh, fun. -Right? 154 00:05:51,393 --> 00:05:54,188 Coach, you should show him that ground stretch you did on me earlier. 155 00:05:54,563 --> 00:05:56,940 It was opening me up really nicely. 156 00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:59,985 -Yes, please. (LAUGHS) -I don't wanna. 157 00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:01,695 (GRUNTS) 158 00:06:02,404 --> 00:06:03,405 Oh. 159 00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:07,534 (SIGHS) 160 00:06:07,618 --> 00:06:08,744 (WINSTON GRUNTS) 161 00:06:08,827 --> 00:06:11,079 -This is amazing. -Oh! 162 00:06:11,163 --> 00:06:13,749 I'm taking a little trip here, Coach. 163 00:06:13,832 --> 00:06:15,000 You know where I'm going. 164 00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:18,086 Why do I keep looking down? I don't know. 165 00:06:19,129 --> 00:06:23,342 This museum is my favorite place in Los Angeles. 166 00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:25,093 Um... Come on, Nick. 167 00:06:25,177 --> 00:06:27,346 Jess is making you babysit me, right? 168 00:06:27,429 --> 00:06:28,680 Babysit you? 169 00:06:28,764 --> 00:06:30,307 (LAUGHING) What? 170 00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:31,517 Like you're a little baby? 171 00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:33,060 No. 172 00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:35,896 -That's how you want to play this? -Well, I'm not "playing" it. 173 00:06:36,271 --> 00:06:38,023 -Oh. -Hey, hey, hey. What are you doing? 174 00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:39,566 -I just want to touch it. -Don't touch it. 175 00:06:39,650 --> 00:06:40,776 -I just need to touch it. -But it's not for touching. 176 00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:41,860 -(INHALES) -Hey, hey! 177 00:06:41,944 --> 00:06:43,028 What? Can I not jump on it? 178 00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:44,321 -Abby. -That's not allowed? 179 00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:45,906 -Abby! -Maybe I shouldn't 180 00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:47,241 climb all over the car. 181 00:06:47,324 --> 00:06:48,784 You need to get off of that car. 182 00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:51,119 Why don't you tell me what it is Jess is up to? 183 00:06:51,203 --> 00:06:52,621 Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, 184 00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:54,540 you're scratching the hood! 185 00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:56,041 Tell me what I want to know. 186 00:06:56,124 --> 00:06:57,709 -Get off there right now. -There's nothing to tell! 187 00:06:57,793 --> 00:06:59,253 -Tell me what I want to know. -There's nothing to tell! 188 00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:01,046 -Tell me what she's doing! -Get her off! 189 00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:02,798 -If I tell you, will you get off the car? -Yes. 190 00:07:02,881 --> 00:07:04,007 -You promise? -Yes. 191 00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:05,884 She's looking for a safe apartment for you 192 00:07:05,968 --> 00:07:07,511 'cause she doesn't want you to live with us! 193 00:07:10,055 --> 00:07:11,557 Now, would you please get off the car? 194 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:14,560 Do you guys serve drinks here? 195 00:07:14,643 --> 00:07:18,063 (SIGHS) Why don't they give us Tasers? 196 00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:25,487 Wow. I mean, this place is beautiful. 197 00:07:25,571 --> 00:07:28,574 It makes the other nine places we've seen today just kind of fade away. 198 00:07:29,241 --> 00:07:31,243 Yeah, um, tell me about the neighborhood. 199 00:07:31,577 --> 00:07:32,786 Is there a lot of nightlife? 200 00:07:32,870 --> 00:07:34,997 Well, this part of town is pretty quiet. 201 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:37,374 Unless you count church bells. Which you should. 202 00:07:37,833 --> 00:07:39,501 We have nine within hearing distance. 203 00:07:39,710 --> 00:07:43,130 What about the other tenants? Are there single men between 18 and 65? 204 00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:45,465 Actually, make that 16 and 72. 205 00:07:45,549 --> 00:07:49,428 Most of the other tenants are middle-aged gay veterans like myself. 206 00:07:49,511 --> 00:07:52,431 Oh. (QUIETLY) Jackpot. 207 00:07:52,514 --> 00:07:55,434 And if the demons come calling, there's an emergency room 208 00:07:55,517 --> 00:07:58,187 -right across the street. -You had me at "gay veterans." 209 00:07:58,270 --> 00:08:00,230 And then again at "emergency room." 210 00:08:00,314 --> 00:08:02,107 And before that at "church." 211 00:08:02,191 --> 00:08:05,861 I wish I could just travel back in time and tell 19-year-old me 212 00:08:05,944 --> 00:08:07,529 to move into a place like this. 213 00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:10,908 Maybe I would've settled down. Met a, you know, nice guy. 214 00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:14,494 Nothing flashy. Works in a bank, makes a great veggie lasagna. 215 00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:16,830 -Okay, not now, Cece. -No, don't stop her. 216 00:08:16,914 --> 00:08:18,332 Who is this guy? 217 00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:19,583 (LAUGHS) Right? 218 00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:21,084 (SIGHS) 219 00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:23,212 Bet you are a mean dancer. 220 00:08:23,879 --> 00:08:24,922 Come on. Live a little. 221 00:08:25,339 --> 00:08:26,507 You were right to call me. 222 00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:28,425 Nobody deals with crazy girls better than I do. 223 00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:30,969 Crazy girls are kind of my Hurt Locker. 224 00:08:31,053 --> 00:08:32,095 -You know what I mean, Nick? -Okay. Yeah. 225 00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:34,890 Some... Some men, they can just walk away. Not me. 226 00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:37,017 -I just keep coming back. -Okay, 227 00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,310 are you gonna help me get her off the car? 228 00:08:38,393 --> 00:08:40,103 -Mmm. You know what this is, Nick? -What? 229 00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:42,356 This is nonsense. And how do we deal with nonsense? 230 00:08:43,232 --> 00:08:46,318 No, no. We just don't stand for it, is what we do. 231 00:08:46,401 --> 00:08:47,528 Security is on the way. 232 00:08:47,611 --> 00:08:50,572 Come on, you old bird. Get up here. 233 00:08:50,656 --> 00:08:52,574 I can't afford it. 234 00:08:52,658 --> 00:08:54,952 I'm already the staff troublemaker. 235 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:57,412 -Can you make it happen? -I'm thinking. 236 00:09:00,249 --> 00:09:03,085 Where are you at right... Like, is it kind of game... Yeah. 237 00:09:03,919 --> 00:09:05,712 Just shh. 238 00:09:07,965 --> 00:09:09,132 -I got it. -You do? 239 00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,385 Yeah. No nonsense. 240 00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,722 Hey, Abby, look at me. 241 00:09:16,265 --> 00:09:17,349 Let's go get a taco. 242 00:09:17,432 --> 00:09:18,725 Okay. 243 00:09:18,809 --> 00:09:20,060 -You got to be kidding. -There you go. Thank you. 244 00:09:20,394 --> 00:09:21,728 There you go. Perfect. 245 00:09:21,812 --> 00:09:24,314 Hey, you're not gonna tell Jess I told you about the apartment, right? 246 00:09:24,565 --> 00:09:27,067 Hmm, I don't know. Maybe. We'll see. 247 00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:28,318 It'd be cool if you... 'Cause... 248 00:09:28,402 --> 00:09:29,778 Why don't you straighten things up with the museum? 249 00:09:29,862 --> 00:09:32,531 Thank you. I appreciate that. It's only $10! 250 00:09:32,614 --> 00:09:34,533 That's not gonna... It's $10! 251 00:09:34,616 --> 00:09:36,660 You snakes. 252 00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:37,870 COACH: Follow through. 253 00:09:37,953 --> 00:09:39,079 Yeah, all right. 254 00:09:39,162 --> 00:09:41,874 Or else that creepy guy at the bar isn't gonna take his hand off your thigh. 255 00:09:41,957 --> 00:09:43,125 Hands off my thigh, dude! 256 00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:44,376 (GRUNTS, GROANS) 257 00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:46,962 Off my thigh, dude. 258 00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:48,422 (GROANS) 259 00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:53,010 What are you doing, dude? Stop stalling. Check your score. 260 00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:54,928 I'm not stalling. (GROANS) 261 00:09:55,012 --> 00:09:56,889 I'm gonna have Anders work my core 262 00:09:56,972 --> 00:09:58,765 and maybe just go get some juice with him. 263 00:09:58,849 --> 00:10:01,268 No, um. No, I, I want juice. I'm... 264 00:10:01,351 --> 00:10:03,270 Hey, I bought your time. I do whatever I want with it. 265 00:10:03,353 --> 00:10:05,230 -(GROANS) -Go check your score! 266 00:10:05,314 --> 00:10:06,356 Hey, what are you doing? 267 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,066 -No. Wait, what are you doing, dude? -I'm checking it myself! 268 00:10:08,150 --> 00:10:10,110 No! Come on, man! 269 00:10:10,194 --> 00:10:11,737 I said no, dude. 270 00:10:12,196 --> 00:10:13,238 No. 271 00:10:15,490 --> 00:10:16,575 What? 272 00:10:18,035 --> 00:10:19,328 You failed. 273 00:10:21,496 --> 00:10:22,539 (CHUCKLES) 274 00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,333 I didn't even... 275 00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:27,085 You know, it's not even a... 276 00:10:28,754 --> 00:10:31,173 Yeah, it's not a big deal, so... 277 00:10:31,715 --> 00:10:33,008 You know, so... 278 00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:36,136 You should probably put a passcode on your phone, dude. 279 00:10:40,474 --> 00:10:43,310 Hey, Schmidt! Hey, Schmidt. Have you seen Abby? 280 00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:44,811 -Huh? -(SULTRY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) 281 00:10:45,354 --> 00:10:47,689 What are you... What are you doing? 282 00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:50,234 I'm melting chocolate. 283 00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:54,530 (MUFFLED) Abby and I are having sex. 284 00:10:54,947 --> 00:10:56,990 (WHISPERS) What happened to no nonsense, Schmidt? 285 00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:00,953 I've really changed my tune on nonsense, Nick. 286 00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:02,246 You know, for the life of me, 287 00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:05,332 I could not understand the grasp that Jess had on you, 288 00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:07,334 but if she came from the same gene pool as this one... 289 00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:09,211 (CHUCKLES) Kudos, my friend. 290 00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:11,171 Even if it's a tenth of what I just experienced. 291 00:11:11,255 --> 00:11:14,007 Even if it's a DeVito/Schwarzenegger split from Twins. 292 00:11:14,091 --> 00:11:15,634 You calling Jess the DeVito? 293 00:11:15,717 --> 00:11:18,262 -What? -Abby, I was supposed to be watching you. 294 00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:20,722 -Go ahead. -Don't... Don't play tricks with my words. 295 00:11:20,806 --> 00:11:23,267 Jess is gonna kill me. She's gonna say my name in that short, clipped way 296 00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:24,643 -where she doesn't add the "K." -What? 297 00:11:24,726 --> 00:11:26,854 When she's mad, she just says "Nic." 298 00:11:26,937 --> 00:11:30,107 Do you really think that the "K" adds to the sound of your name? 299 00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,441 -Yes. -How do you usually say your name? 300 00:11:31,525 --> 00:11:33,068 -Nick. -Say it without the "K." 301 00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:34,736 -Nic. -It's the same thing. 302 00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:36,280 Stop distracting me! 303 00:11:36,488 --> 00:11:37,614 Nick, you're so worried about disappointing Jess. 304 00:11:37,698 --> 00:11:39,241 Relax, man. 305 00:11:39,324 --> 00:11:41,743 -(DING) -Okay, you got to get out of here. 306 00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:46,874 -(GRUNTS) -(MOANS) 307 00:11:47,791 --> 00:11:48,834 -(GRUNTS) -(GIGGLES) 308 00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:50,878 Oh... 309 00:11:54,673 --> 00:11:56,925 I choked. 310 00:11:57,009 --> 00:12:00,429 I choked, man. I'm 31. I have nothing figured out. 311 00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:02,306 Can I not find a job? 312 00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:04,474 -I mean, I feel like I'm losing it. -Dude, 313 00:12:04,766 --> 00:12:05,934 they're hiring here. 314 00:12:06,018 --> 00:12:08,645 You know I can't work here, man. They never have any cookies. 315 00:12:08,729 --> 00:12:10,647 It's all the better, man! There's no pressure. 316 00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:12,107 You get this job 317 00:12:12,191 --> 00:12:13,525 and then when you're ready, you try the cop thing again. 318 00:12:14,818 --> 00:12:17,029 -Okay. Yeah. -See? 319 00:12:17,112 --> 00:12:20,032 But now I'm sitting here thinking about how badly I need this job. 320 00:12:20,115 --> 00:12:21,909 -Stop! -I need this job real bad... 321 00:12:21,992 --> 00:12:24,494 Excuse me, um, could we get a job application over here, please? 322 00:12:24,578 --> 00:12:27,247 In a way, I have a lot more riding on this job 323 00:12:27,331 --> 00:12:28,707 than I do the cop thing. 324 00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:30,918 God, I'd love to work here! 325 00:12:32,544 --> 00:12:34,254 JESS: I got the apartment! 326 00:12:34,630 --> 00:12:36,465 The place is great. The only thing 327 00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:38,675 I'm a little worried about is there is a Russian grocery store 328 00:12:38,759 --> 00:12:40,802 down the block and Abby has a little bit of a weird thing 329 00:12:40,886 --> 00:12:42,221 with ethnic white people. 330 00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:44,681 But I think she could really thrive there! 331 00:12:45,349 --> 00:12:46,433 Where is she? 332 00:12:46,517 --> 00:12:47,726 -Where's who? -Abby. 333 00:12:47,809 --> 00:12:49,686 Ab... Oh, she's sleeping. 334 00:12:50,145 --> 00:12:53,273 By herself. Which is called "napping." 335 00:12:53,357 --> 00:12:55,776 Okay, I'm gonna start secretly packing up some of her stuff. 336 00:12:55,859 --> 00:12:57,236 Do you think you can keep distracting her? 337 00:12:57,319 --> 00:12:58,862 -Yes, yeah, you know, just... -Good. 338 00:12:58,946 --> 00:13:00,280 ...how do we distract her? 339 00:13:00,364 --> 00:13:02,824 How do you distract a woman like that? 340 00:13:02,908 --> 00:13:04,826 Probably a guy. (LAUGHS) Right? 341 00:13:04,910 --> 00:13:06,495 Who can we set her up with? 342 00:13:06,995 --> 00:13:09,081 Well, well, well, who do we have? 343 00:13:09,164 --> 00:13:11,166 Coach. (LAUGHS) No. 344 00:13:11,750 --> 00:13:13,752 -Winston... -That's actually kind of a good idea... 345 00:13:13,836 --> 00:13:14,920 No! 346 00:13:15,587 --> 00:13:17,840 -Schmidt! -That's a terrible idea. 347 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:20,092 But in the same sense... 348 00:13:20,175 --> 00:13:21,718 Abby will wreck Schmidt! 349 00:13:22,386 --> 00:13:23,971 -Well, then luckily, the... -So, here's the plan. 350 00:13:24,054 --> 00:13:27,349 We're gonna have a nice dinner. We're gonna get her buzzed but not drunk. 351 00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:29,893 And then we're gonna casually and naturally 352 00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:32,980 bring up the apartment so she thinks it's her idea. 353 00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:34,648 -And I can do that, okay? -Okay, good. 354 00:13:35,065 --> 00:13:37,150 -I'm glad. -I'll act cool, natural. 355 00:13:37,609 --> 00:13:39,528 Casual. Au naturel. 356 00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:41,446 -Au casual. -You know what? 357 00:13:41,947 --> 00:13:43,365 Maybe I should write you some lines, pal. 358 00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:46,201 Yeah, I'd really appreciate that 'cause... Maybe not a lot of words. 359 00:13:47,995 --> 00:13:50,831 Uh, so tell me, what are your three weakest qualities? 360 00:13:50,914 --> 00:13:53,000 (CHUCKLES) See... 361 00:13:53,083 --> 00:13:54,209 (WHISPERING) Just say "perfectionist." 362 00:13:54,293 --> 00:13:55,586 -Perfectionist. -Yeah. 363 00:13:57,462 --> 00:14:00,132 And the other two... Um... 364 00:14:01,216 --> 00:14:02,593 (LAUGHS) 365 00:14:02,676 --> 00:14:03,927 (SPUTTERING) 366 00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:07,389 I'm overheating, right? I'm overheating, okay? 367 00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:08,807 So here's what we're gonna do now... 368 00:14:08,891 --> 00:14:11,602 I'm just gonna shoot from the hip, little rapid fire, 369 00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:13,937 give you some fun facts you might not know about me. 370 00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:16,398 I hate standing up, I'm bad with numbers, 371 00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:17,608 and... 372 00:14:17,691 --> 00:14:20,402 I just honestly, from the bottom of my heart, 373 00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:23,155 don't think women should be allowed to handle money. 374 00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:25,449 Just, that's for real. 375 00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:29,828 Let's just move on to the salary. 376 00:14:31,038 --> 00:14:32,998 And you didn't even fill out the back of the application. 377 00:14:33,498 --> 00:14:34,791 There's a back? 378 00:14:36,418 --> 00:14:37,711 There is a back to the application? 379 00:14:37,961 --> 00:14:39,046 -Coach. -What? 380 00:14:39,463 --> 00:14:42,549 The LAPD exam, maybe it had a back. 381 00:14:43,759 --> 00:14:45,427 You didn't check to see if it had a back? 382 00:14:45,511 --> 00:14:46,803 We got to go to the precinct. 383 00:14:46,887 --> 00:14:48,847 I didn't choke. I'm just careless. 384 00:14:49,223 --> 00:14:53,185 And that is my biggest weakness, you bitch. 385 00:14:53,644 --> 00:14:55,312 -I'm so sorry, dude. I'm so sorry, dude. -Yeah, that was bad. 386 00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:57,022 -Man, I didn't even mean that. -All right, get out of here. 387 00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:59,691 -Get out of here. -Dawg, I didn't mean that at all, man. 388 00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:01,985 To our newest resident. 389 00:15:02,528 --> 00:15:05,322 The City of Angels has sprouted another pair of wings. 390 00:15:05,614 --> 00:15:09,451 It's a majestic city, drenched in sunshine, 391 00:15:09,535 --> 00:15:13,956 that is actually just a collection of 75 different neighborhoods. 392 00:15:14,039 --> 00:15:15,958 Wow, I had no idea. 393 00:15:16,041 --> 00:15:17,835 Please continue to tell me more. 394 00:15:17,918 --> 00:15:19,962 -You want more? -Who wants to rediscover couscous? 395 00:15:20,045 --> 00:15:21,797 Hey, what the hell are you doing here, Schmidt? 396 00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,424 ABBY: I invited him. I live here, too, right? 397 00:15:24,508 --> 00:15:25,551 -Yeah, but... -It's okay, 398 00:15:25,634 --> 00:15:28,428 Abby can make her own decisions, no matter what they might lead to. 399 00:15:28,887 --> 00:15:30,764 -Thank you. -Now, somebody call the pound 400 00:15:30,848 --> 00:15:32,391 'cause my stomach is growling. 401 00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:36,937 I said my stomach is growling. 402 00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:39,606 Sp... Okay, uh, speaking of dinner, 403 00:15:40,065 --> 00:15:42,693 there are a lot of great options in North Hollywood. 404 00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:45,696 It's a real hot spot full of young, hip people 405 00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:47,072 who will be the leaders of tomorrow. 406 00:15:47,155 --> 00:15:48,991 -More wine? -Great. 407 00:15:50,033 --> 00:15:53,453 If I were moving to LA now, I'd say yes-ho to NoHo. 408 00:15:53,871 --> 00:15:55,414 NICK: Hey, hey, what are you doing? 409 00:15:55,497 --> 00:15:56,915 Oh, my. 410 00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:58,417 Stop touching him, Abby. 411 00:15:58,834 --> 00:15:59,918 I'm sorry, what'd you say? 412 00:16:00,502 --> 00:16:02,171 -Touch him more? -Do not touch him. 413 00:16:02,963 --> 00:16:05,007 What are you... Do not do this right now. 414 00:16:05,090 --> 00:16:06,425 (WHISPERING) How about that? 415 00:16:07,676 --> 00:16:11,722 As luck would have it, I actually know of a place in North Hollywood 416 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,057 with great tile work. 417 00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:16,059 (POURING WINE) 418 00:16:17,686 --> 00:16:20,689 -I said, "Great tile work." -Oh, for the first 12 months. 419 00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:22,983 (JESS LAUGHS) 420 00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:25,444 I think what you really mean to say is 421 00:16:25,527 --> 00:16:28,655 there's an introductory offer for cable television. 422 00:16:28,739 --> 00:16:30,407 -That's it, yeah... -Cable's a scam, I tell ya. 423 00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:31,909 Sa... Satellite. 424 00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:34,411 What happened to no nonsense, Schmidt? 425 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:35,662 Satellite's where it's at. 426 00:16:35,746 --> 00:16:37,748 (WHISPERING) Nonsense has the hands of an angel. 427 00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:39,124 Okay, what's going on here? 428 00:16:39,208 --> 00:16:40,918 (CHUCKLES) 429 00:16:41,502 --> 00:16:43,629 I told Abby about the apartment, and now she's 430 00:16:44,254 --> 00:16:46,256 giving Schmidt a special. 431 00:16:49,051 --> 00:16:51,053 Don't look at me. Just look away. 432 00:16:51,512 --> 00:16:54,264 Look away, look... Or look right at me. 433 00:16:58,727 --> 00:17:00,979 -So this was going on the whole time? -Yes. 434 00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:03,190 And the hands are just the half of it. 435 00:17:03,273 --> 00:17:05,526 I mean, there's been banging and poking and scratching 436 00:17:06,318 --> 00:17:08,654 and hanging and teasing, such teasing. 437 00:17:08,737 --> 00:17:11,365 I mean, really excruciating, life-giving teasing. 438 00:17:11,448 --> 00:17:13,784 Shut up, Schmidt! She was talking to me. 439 00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:16,787 This has been a whole day of lying and I can't take it. 440 00:17:16,870 --> 00:17:19,248 First I had to lie to Abby, and so I spilled the beans 441 00:17:19,331 --> 00:17:20,624 about the apartment. I'm sorry. 442 00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:23,544 And then I had to lie about Abby and Schmidt and the boning. 443 00:17:23,627 --> 00:17:27,005 And then the manipulating and the out-manipulating... 444 00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:28,423 That's lying! 445 00:17:28,507 --> 00:17:31,802 If you guys were just honest with each other for one second, 446 00:17:31,885 --> 00:17:33,846 none of this would have happened. 447 00:17:33,929 --> 00:17:35,681 Okay. All right. Abby... 448 00:17:36,265 --> 00:17:40,060 I'm really sorry I tried to trick you, but I just want what's best for you. 449 00:17:40,519 --> 00:17:42,855 -One of us has to! -You know, that is your problem. 450 00:17:43,188 --> 00:17:44,773 You think you're better than people and you always try to fix them. 451 00:17:44,857 --> 00:17:46,483 -No, I don't! -Yes, you do. 452 00:17:46,567 --> 00:17:48,193 You've done it your whole life. It's annoying. 453 00:17:48,277 --> 00:17:49,570 You know what? Yes. 454 00:17:49,653 --> 00:17:52,739 Yes. I would like to fix you. No... 455 00:17:52,823 --> 00:17:56,451 I would love to fix you! But I'm done trying. 456 00:17:56,535 --> 00:17:57,786 Because you're not changing. 457 00:17:57,870 --> 00:18:02,791 And you don't think or care about other people at all, and I do. 458 00:18:02,875 --> 00:18:05,127 And that's why I don't want you living in this loft. 459 00:18:06,503 --> 00:18:08,672 (SCOFFS) That's honest. 460 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:11,091 You're a garbage person 461 00:18:11,175 --> 00:18:13,051 and you should live in a dumpster with rotten snails. 462 00:18:13,427 --> 00:18:14,928 Hey! Nick! 463 00:18:15,470 --> 00:18:17,097 -Too far! -Yeah, way over the line, buddy. 464 00:18:17,181 --> 00:18:18,223 Yeah, but I thought we were just piling it... 465 00:18:18,307 --> 00:18:20,225 -That's my sister, dude. -I didn't mean that, yeah. 466 00:18:20,309 --> 00:18:22,561 -Sorry. -ABBY: Well... 467 00:18:22,644 --> 00:18:25,522 Lucky for you, I'm moving out. 468 00:18:25,606 --> 00:18:28,609 Oh, thank God, Abby. Oh, my God. 469 00:18:28,692 --> 00:18:30,277 You're really gonna like this place. 470 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:32,279 -It's so nice... -I'm moving in with Schmidt. 471 00:18:32,362 --> 00:18:33,906 What... What's that, now? You're moving in with who? 472 00:18:33,989 --> 00:18:35,407 -Seriously? -We would have sex all the time. 473 00:18:35,490 --> 00:18:37,075 (CHUCKLES) Dinner was lovely, you guys. 474 00:18:37,159 --> 00:18:38,827 -Thank you so much. -Bye. 475 00:18:40,204 --> 00:18:41,663 -What? -SCHMIDT: Ooh. Hey, uh, Jess? 476 00:18:42,414 --> 00:18:44,458 Can I borrow your glasses? We're gonna role-play as you guys. 477 00:18:44,917 --> 00:18:46,210 Ew. No. 478 00:18:46,293 --> 00:18:47,628 You don't understand. 479 00:18:47,711 --> 00:18:49,505 She's not gonna be you. I'm gonna be you. 480 00:18:49,588 --> 00:18:50,881 -Ugh! Get out, Schmidt! -Get out of here! 481 00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:52,341 Okay... 482 00:18:53,634 --> 00:18:55,427 Oh, God! 483 00:18:56,094 --> 00:18:57,679 WINSTON: What's up, my man? 484 00:18:57,763 --> 00:19:00,307 I took the test last week... Or should I say, I took 485 00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:02,267 the front part of the test last week, 486 00:19:02,351 --> 00:19:05,103 and, sir, I am here to finish what I started. 487 00:19:05,729 --> 00:19:07,356 -What? -What he's trying to say is 488 00:19:07,439 --> 00:19:10,317 he took the entrance exam, but he forgot to do the back half. 489 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,486 Well, the test is administered on a computer. 490 00:19:12,569 --> 00:19:13,737 There is no back. 491 00:19:15,489 --> 00:19:17,157 (SIGHS) 492 00:19:17,241 --> 00:19:19,159 You took the test on a computer? 493 00:19:19,243 --> 00:19:21,286 I choked. I am a failure. I am a loser. 494 00:19:21,370 --> 00:19:24,498 I am never gonna amount to anything. I'm never gonna shoot somebody. 495 00:19:24,581 --> 00:19:27,709 Dude, have some dignity, all right? 496 00:19:27,793 --> 00:19:29,127 Thank you for your time, sir. 497 00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:30,879 COACH: Winston. 498 00:19:30,963 --> 00:19:33,298 Winston! Yo! 499 00:19:33,382 --> 00:19:34,591 Winston! 500 00:19:35,425 --> 00:19:37,719 Dude, you failed, man. 501 00:19:38,303 --> 00:19:40,848 You fail hard! At everything! 502 00:19:41,139 --> 00:19:43,851 -Dude, this pep talk sucks. -I'm not finished. 503 00:19:43,934 --> 00:19:45,686 Like, seriously, it's like the Winston of pep talks. 504 00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:47,104 Look at me. 505 00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:48,564 You can do this, Winston. 506 00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:51,275 Because now there's nothing to be afraid of. 507 00:19:51,984 --> 00:19:53,735 You hit rock bottom, man. 508 00:19:53,819 --> 00:19:55,654 This is the worst it's gonna get. 509 00:20:00,868 --> 00:20:04,496 Sir, it has been my dream to become a cop. 510 00:20:05,455 --> 00:20:07,040 And no one's gonna stand in my way... 511 00:20:07,124 --> 00:20:08,417 Not you, not him... 512 00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:10,127 Hey, I was helping. 513 00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:11,587 ...and definitely not myself. 514 00:20:12,296 --> 00:20:14,006 I would like to retake this test. 515 00:20:15,007 --> 00:20:16,842 Well, there's one at 7:30 tomorrow. 516 00:20:17,259 --> 00:20:19,011 Man, what about my last score makes you think 517 00:20:19,094 --> 00:20:20,804 I'm ready to take this test again in 12 hours? 518 00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:23,891 -He'll be there. Yeah. -Yeah, I'll be there. 519 00:20:25,350 --> 00:20:28,478 Thank you for messing everything up and being such a terrible liar. 520 00:20:28,562 --> 00:20:30,606 -Uh, you are very welcome. -I think I really needed 521 00:20:30,689 --> 00:20:32,065 to say that stuff to my sister. 522 00:20:32,149 --> 00:20:34,693 -She's gonna wreck Schmidt. -Oof... 523 00:20:34,776 --> 00:20:36,403 He has no idea. 524 00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:38,780 I'm sorry my family's so crazy. 525 00:20:38,864 --> 00:20:39,865 Crazy? 526 00:20:39,948 --> 00:20:41,742 Your family's not crazy. My family's crazy. 527 00:20:42,326 --> 00:20:43,994 My father used to trade horse semen. 528 00:20:44,077 --> 00:20:46,997 I've got an uncle whose God-given name is Shifty. 529 00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:48,248 (LAUGHING) 530 00:20:49,499 --> 00:20:52,669 Well, thank goodness... We're the sane ones. 531 00:20:52,753 --> 00:20:53,962 (CHUCKLES) 532 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:58,509 -So... Uh-huh. -Okay, now, remember, up, and... 533 00:20:59,176 --> 00:21:01,428 (SCREAMS) 534 00:21:01,512 --> 00:21:02,763 (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) 535 00:21:04,556 --> 00:21:07,100 -Hello, Abby. -Hey. S'up? 536 00:21:07,851 --> 00:21:09,019 Have you thought about what you're gonna do 537 00:21:09,102 --> 00:21:10,729 if they pair you with a dirty cop? 538 00:21:12,189 --> 00:21:15,275 Well, then, I would just go to Internal Affairs. 539 00:21:15,359 --> 00:21:16,527 Well, that's a good way to get killed. 540 00:21:17,194 --> 00:21:18,362 Then at least I would die a hero. 541 00:21:18,445 --> 00:21:19,655 Hmm, no, you won't. 542 00:21:20,322 --> 00:21:22,074 They'll put you in panties and then they'll plant you 543 00:21:22,157 --> 00:21:23,325 next to a dead prostitute. 544 00:21:24,243 --> 00:21:25,452 That's a poor lady. 545 00:21:25,536 --> 00:21:27,204 It'd be a dude. 546 00:21:27,287 --> 00:21:29,248 -(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) -But it's awesome! 547 00:21:29,331 --> 00:21:31,667 Good luck on the exam! 548 00:21:34,086 --> 00:21:35,963 They got dude prostitutes? 549 00:21:36,713 --> 00:21:37,923 Nuh-uh. 41610

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