All language subtitles for New Girl S03E17 Sister II 1080p DSNP WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-MiU_track4_[eng]

WINSTON: Man, this is gonna be fun! Oh!
COACH: Ah, come on!

Get it close to the light.

Okay, just because you invented Sky Knife
doesn't mean you can tell me how to throw.

Hurry up, man. You can do this.

One, two, three.

-ALL: Sky Knife!
-(CHEERING)

Yeah!

What's up?

-Oh, hey. What's up?
-Nothing, just a...

-Hey, uh, straight-up chillin'.
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

You guys, it's a really long story,
but I think I saw an eagle.

I was shopping for books on Western...

-Oh, my God!
-(ALL EXCLAIM)

-Oh!
-Oh!

-Oh, God, what the hell?
-You were in the drop zone.

-Good save, Nick.
-You were a hero!

-Hey, hey...
-Good save.

We were playing Sky Knife. You mad?

No. No. I... I think
it's been a great game this week.

I'm amazed at how great it is.

Uh! Awesome! I thought you were
gonna be mad.

All right, I'm gonna go get the bad-ass
knives from Schmidt's house.

-Cool.
-Get 'em, girl.

Um, guys, we have a problem.

I know, but Abby's gonna fix it.
She's going to get the cooler knives.

The problem is Abby.

She's been here one week
and has already created chaos everywhere.

I don't know if anybody noticed,

but she destroyed my sunflower painting

-with a picture of a penis.
-The iguana's cool.

-I like the iguana.
-Who doesn't love an iguana?

-With the glasses?
-Yeah, man. Yeah. I like its tail.

Oh, my God, you guys, it's Terry.

The bastard found me. He wants his stuff.

Who's Terry? What's his stuff?

-Cocaine drugs?
-Worse.

You guys got to hide.

Oh, my God, I knew this was gonna happen.

Everybody in your earthquake spots now!

-Jess!
-(LAUGHTER)

She's messing with you.

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, I know.

We are messing with you.

-No.
-I don't think you were involved.

-Joke's on you, dude.
-You guys were all afraid of Terry.

Us Day sisters up to our old pranks.

-You're not part of it.
-(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Yes, I am!

-You got messed with.
-You got messed with, not me.

You're doing that voice
when you get messed with.

No, I'm not.

You guys, this is so fun.
I want to live here.

(FAKE LAUGHING) Ah, ha, ha!

That was funny, 'cause
we're messing with you again.

No. I'm serious. That one was real.
I think I should live here.

I hate this game.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(SINGING)
Hey, girl, whatcha doing?

Hey, girl, where you going?

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

-Who's that girl?
-It's Jess!

(WHISTLES)

-You looking up how to eat a bagel?
-(LAUGHS)

No. I'm, uh, seeing if I passed
the LAPD entrance exam.

Results go up in 30 seconds.

If you pass, you get to be a cop?

No, I get to go to the
police academy, you know?

I hope I get a dog partner.

-Yeah.
-Oh, you are pretty calm

for someone who's about
to get life-changing news.

You must be really cool under pressure.

No! I'm a huge choker.

Huge! (LAUGHS)

Girl, I ain't had a job
in over three months.

So, this is that moment, I guess,

when you find out
if you're really a failure or not.

Check it. Excitement's killing me!

Man, would you look at the time?

Man. Girl, I got an obligation

at a sandwich meeting to go to.

Yes...

NICK: (IN DRAMATIC VOICE) Well, you see,
loyalty has a price, Mr. President.

Give me the hot dogs!

Put the damn hot dogs in the bag,
you son of a bitch, and I won't...

Oh, my God. What are we gonna do?
She can't move into...

Take that off.

-I hope those are clean.
-Enough.

I don't want to be involved
with your weird thing with your sister.

It's not a weird thing with my sister.

She is crazy.

-No.
-She's wanted in Canada.

Canada. No one's wanted in Canada.

Hey, uh, you guys want
to hang out, like, right now?

Maybe go up to Alhambra,
try on a whole mess of jeans?

Don't you find out about
that cop test today?

Oh, you know... Oh, yeah. No.

Look, man, the Alhambra thing, though...

It's getting a lot of momentum, you know?

So I think I'm gonna go ahead and do that

'cause when you, you know,
when you do that, so...

Okay, I'm gonna guarantee you
that Abby is responsible for that.

WINSTON: Yeah, she got to me.

If you don't want Abby to live here,
Jessica, why don't you just tell her?

Nick, you can't just

tell Abby to do something,
'cause she'll do the opposite.

So I'm gonna have to go find
a place for her to live

and make her think it's her idea.

She can't find out what I'm up to.

Do you think you can keep her
busy and lie to her all day?

Jess, I come from a family
of con artists and liars.

And the one thing I learned is
you can't lie to a liar.

It don't fly.

Yeah, you shouldn't be involved.

No, I shouldn't.

Wait a second.

Are you doing reverse psychology?

Yeah, it is reverse psychology.

That is reverse psychology,
so you just reversed it,

so now it's reverse, reverse,
which is just psychology.

Hmm, which one is it?

You outfoxed me. I'm in.

I'm gonna do it.

So, our time is up, but, um,
I don't have any more clients,

-so, uh...
-Oh.

You brought it with that less set, ma.

I got to tell you. I mean,
what can't that butt do?

-You shaped it, so you get dibs.
-Mmm.

Dibs.

(LAUGHTER)

Can I get dibs? Because
both y'all butts look great.

I mean, I can't tell who's in first place.

Hey, uh, Coach, you know how you're always
getting on me about my pizza baby?

-Yeah.
-Well, today is the day

that I get rid of it.

-I am here to train.
-Save it, dude.

You're avoiding your test results.
Nick texted me.

-Guess you can't outrun a text.
-Nope.

Well, with the right amount of training...

All right, listen to me.
Um, I need you to leave.

I'm with a client. A beautiful one.

-I'm trying to, you know... (WHISTLES)
-Mmm.

You're trying to whistle.

No, no, no, no, no,
I'm trying to have sex with her.

Oh! Sex.

But I did book you for
the entire afternoon, though.

(GROANS)

-Why would you do that?
-But...

If you guys are doing a little thing,

-then I could easily just...
-Leave and check

-your test scores?
-...do a tandem session.

-Oh, fun.
-Right?

Coach, you should show him
that ground stretch you did on me earlier.

It was opening me up really nicely.

-Yes, please. (LAUGHS)
-I don't wanna.

(GRUNTS)

Oh.

(SIGHS)

(WINSTON GRUNTS)

-This is amazing.
-Oh!

I'm taking a little trip here, Coach.

You know where I'm going.

Why do I keep looking down? I don't know.

This museum
is my favorite place in Los Angeles.

Um... Come on, Nick.

Jess is making you babysit me, right?

Babysit you?

(LAUGHING) What?

Like you're a little baby?

No.

-That's how you want to play this?
-Well, I'm not "playing" it.

-Oh.
-Hey, hey, hey. What are you doing?

-I just want to touch it.
-Don't touch it.

-I just need to touch it.
-But it's not for touching.

-(INHALES)
-Hey, hey!

What? Can I not jump on it?

-Abby.
-That's not allowed?

-Abby!
-Maybe I shouldn't

climb all over the car.

You need to get off of that car.

Why don't you tell me
what it is Jess is up to?

Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am,

you're scratching the hood!

Tell me what I want to know.

-Get off there right now.
-There's nothing to tell!

-Tell me what I want to know.
-There's nothing to tell!

-Tell me what she's doing!
-Get her off!

-If I tell you, will you get off the car?
-Yes.

-You promise?
-Yes.

She's looking for a safe apartment for you

'cause she doesn't
want you to live with us!

Now, would you please get off the car?

Do you guys serve drinks here?

(SIGHS) Why don't they give us Tasers?

Wow. I mean, this place is beautiful.

It makes the other nine places
we've seen today just kind of fade away.

Yeah, um, tell me about the neighborhood.

Is there a lot of nightlife?

Well, this part of town is pretty quiet.

Unless you count church bells.
Which you should.

We have nine within hearing distance.

What about the other tenants?
Are there single men between 18 and 65?

Actually, make that 16 and 72.

Most of the other tenants are
middle-aged gay veterans like myself.

Oh. (QUIETLY) Jackpot.

And if the demons come calling,
there's an emergency room

-right across the street.
-You had me at "gay veterans."

And then again at "emergency room."

And before that at "church."

I wish I could just travel back
in time and tell 19-year-old me

to move into a place like this.

Maybe I would've settled down.
Met a, you know, nice guy.

Nothing flashy. Works in a bank,
makes a great veggie lasagna.

-Okay, not now, Cece.
-No, don't stop her.

Who is this guy?

(LAUGHS) Right?

(SIGHS)

Bet you are a mean dancer.

Come on. Live a little.

You were right to call me.

Nobody deals with crazy girls
better than I do.

Crazy girls are kind of my Hurt Locker.

-You know what I mean, Nick?
-Okay. Yeah.

Some... Some men, they can
just walk away. Not me.

-I just keep coming back.
-Okay,

are you gonna help me get her off the car?

-Mmm. You know what this is, Nick?
-What?

This is nonsense.
And how do we deal with nonsense?

No, no. We just don't stand for it,
is what we do.

Security is on the way.

Come on, you old bird. Get up here.

I can't afford it.

I'm already the staff troublemaker.

-Can you make it happen?
-I'm thinking.

Where are you at right...
Like, is it kind of game... Yeah.

Just shh.

-I got it.
-You do?

Yeah. No nonsense.

Hey, Abby, look at me.

Let's go get a taco.

Okay.

-You got to be kidding.
-There you go. Thank you.

There you go. Perfect.

Hey, you're not gonna tell Jess
I told you about the apartment, right?

Hmm, I don't know. Maybe. We'll see.

It'd be cool if you... 'Cause...

Why don't you straighten
things up with the museum?

Thank you. I appreciate that.
It's only $10!

That's not gonna... It's $10!

You snakes.

COACH: Follow through.

Yeah, all right.

Or else that creepy guy at the bar
isn't gonna take his hand off your thigh.

Hands off my thigh, dude!

(GRUNTS, GROANS)

Off my thigh, dude.

(GROANS)

What are you doing, dude?
Stop stalling. Check your score.

I'm not stalling. (GROANS)

I'm gonna have Anders work my core

and maybe just go get some juice with him.

No, um. No, I, I want juice. I'm...

Hey, I bought your time.
I do whatever I want with it.

-(GROANS)
-Go check your score!

Hey, what are you doing?

-No. Wait, what are you doing, dude?
-I'm checking it myself!

No! Come on, man!

I said no, dude.

No.

What?

You failed.

(CHUCKLES)

I didn't even...

You know, it's not even a...

Yeah, it's not a big deal, so...

You know, so...

You should probably put
a passcode on your phone, dude.

Hey, Schmidt!
Hey, Schmidt. Have you seen Abby?

-Huh?
-(SULTRY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

What are you... What are you doing?

I'm melting chocolate.

(MUFFLED) Abby and I are having sex.

(WHISPERS) What happened
to no nonsense, Schmidt?

I've really changed my tune
on nonsense, Nick.

You know, for the life of me,

I could not understand the grasp
that Jess had on you,

but if she came from the same
gene pool as this one...

(CHUCKLES) Kudos, my friend.

Even if it's a tenth
of what I just experienced.

Even if it's a DeVito/Schwarzenegger
split from Twins.

You calling Jess the DeVito?

-What?
-Abby, I was supposed to be watching you.

-Go ahead.
-Don't... Don't play tricks with my words.

Jess is gonna kill me. She's gonna say
my name in that short, clipped way

-where she doesn't add the "K."
-What?

When she's mad, she just says "Nic."

Do you really think that the "K"
adds to the sound of your name?

-Yes.
-How do you usually say your name?

-Nick.
-Say it without the "K."

-Nic.
-It's the same thing.

Stop distracting me!

Nick, you're so worried
about disappointing Jess.

Relax, man.

-(DING)
-Okay, you got to get out of here.

-(GRUNTS)
-(MOANS)

-(GRUNTS)
-(GIGGLES)

Oh...

I choked.

I choked, man. I'm 31.
I have nothing figured out.

Can I not find a job?

-I mean, I feel like I'm losing it.
-Dude,

they're hiring here.

You know I can't work here, man.
They never have any cookies.

It's all the better, man!
There's no pressure.

You get this job

and then when you're ready,
you try the cop thing again.

-Okay. Yeah.
-See?

But now I'm sitting here thinking
about how badly I need this job.

-Stop!
-I need this job real bad...

Excuse me, um, could we get
a job application over here, please?

In a way, I have a lot more
riding on this job

than I do the cop thing.

God, I'd love to work here!

JESS: I got the apartment!

The place is great. The only thing

I'm a little worried about is there
is a Russian grocery store

down the block and Abby has
a little bit of a weird thing

with ethnic white people.

But I think she could really thrive there!

Where is she?

-Where's who?
-Abby.

Ab... Oh, she's sleeping.

By herself. Which is called "napping."

Okay, I'm gonna start secretly
packing up some of her stuff.

Do you think you can keep distracting her?

-Yes, yeah, you know, just...
-Good.

...how do we distract her?

How do you distract a woman like that?

Probably a guy. (LAUGHS) Right?

Who can we set her up with?

Well, well, well, who do we have?

Coach. (LAUGHS) No.

-Winston...
-That's actually kind of a good idea...

No!

-Schmidt!
-That's a terrible idea.

But in the same sense...

Abby will wreck Schmidt!

-Well, then luckily, the...
-So, here's the plan.

We're gonna have a nice dinner.
We're gonna get her buzzed but not drunk.

And then we're gonna
casually and naturally

bring up the apartment
so she thinks it's her idea.

-And I can do that, okay?
-Okay, good.

-I'm glad.
-I'll act cool, natural.

Casual. Au naturel.

-Au casual.
-You know what?

Maybe I should write you some lines, pal.

Yeah, I'd really appreciate that 'cause...
Maybe not a lot of words.

Uh, so tell me,
what are your three weakest qualities?

(CHUCKLES) See...

(WHISPERING) Just say "perfectionist."

-Perfectionist.
-Yeah.

And the other two... Um...

(LAUGHS)

(SPUTTERING)

I'm overheating, right?
I'm overheating, okay?

So here's what we're gonna do now...

I'm just gonna shoot
from the hip, little rapid fire,

give you some fun facts
you might not know about me.

I hate standing up, I'm bad with numbers,

and...

I just honestly,
from the bottom of my heart,

don't think women should be
allowed to handle money.

Just, that's for real.

Let's just move on to the salary.

And you didn't even fill out
the back of the application.

There's a back?

There is a back to the application?

-Coach.
-What?

The LAPD exam, maybe it had a back.

You didn't check to see if it had a back?

We got to go to the precinct.

I didn't choke. I'm just careless.

And that is my biggest
weakness, you bitch.

-I'm so sorry, dude. I'm so sorry, dude.
-Yeah, that was bad.

-Man, I didn't even mean that.
-All right, get out of here.

-Get out of here.
-Dawg, I didn't mean that at all, man.

To our newest resident.

The City of Angels
has sprouted another pair of wings.

It's a majestic city,
drenched in sunshine,

that is actually just a collection
of 75 different neighborhoods.

Wow, I had no idea.

Please continue to tell me more.

-You want more?
-Who wants to rediscover couscous?

Hey, what the hell
are you doing here, Schmidt?

ABBY: I invited him.
I live here, too, right?

-Yeah, but...
-It's okay,

Abby can make her own decisions,
no matter what they might lead to.

-Thank you.
-Now, somebody call the pound

'cause my stomach is growling.

I said my stomach is growling.

Sp... Okay, uh, speaking of dinner,

there are a lot of great options
in North Hollywood.

It's a real hot spot
full of young, hip people

who will be the leaders of tomorrow.

-More wine?
-Great.

If I were moving to LA now,
I'd say yes-ho to NoHo.

NICK: Hey, hey, what are you doing?

Oh, my.

Stop touching him, Abby.

I'm sorry, what'd you say?

-Touch him more?
-Do not touch him.

What are you... Do not do this right now.

(WHISPERING) How about that?

As luck would have it, I actually know
of a place in North Hollywood

with great tile work.

(POURING WINE)

-I said, "Great tile work."
-Oh, for the first 12 months.

(JESS LAUGHS)

I think what you really mean to say is

there's an introductory offer
for cable television.

-That's it, yeah...
-Cable's a scam, I tell ya.

Sa... Satellite.

What happened to no nonsense, Schmidt?

Satellite's where it's at.

(WHISPERING) Nonsense has
the hands of an angel.

Okay, what's going on here?

(CHUCKLES)

I told Abby about the apartment,
and now she's

giving Schmidt a special.

Don't look at me. Just look away.

Look away, look... Or look right at me.

-So this was going on the whole time?
-Yes.

And the hands are just the half of it.

I mean, there's been banging
and poking and scratching

and hanging and teasing, such teasing.

I mean, really excruciating,
life-giving teasing.

Shut up, Schmidt! She was talking to me.

This has been a whole day of lying
and I can't take it.

First I had to lie to Abby,
and so I spilled the beans

about the apartment. I'm sorry.

And then I had to lie about Abby
and Schmidt and the boning.

And then the manipulating
and the out-manipulating...

That's lying!

If you guys were just honest
with each other for one second,

none of this would have happened.

Okay. All right. Abby...

I'm really sorry I tried to trick you,
but I just want what's best for you.

-One of us has to!
-You know, that is your problem.

You think you're better than people
and you always try to fix them.

-No, I don't!
-Yes, you do.

You've done it your whole life.
It's annoying.

You know what? Yes.

Yes. I would like to fix you. No...

I would love to fix you!
But I'm done trying.

Because you're not changing.

And you don't think or care
about other people at all, and I do.

And that's why I don't want you
living in this loft.

(SCOFFS) That's honest.

You're a garbage person

and you should live in
a dumpster with rotten snails.

Hey! Nick!

-Too far!
-Yeah, way over the line, buddy.

Yeah, but I thought
we were just piling it...

-That's my sister, dude.
-I didn't mean that, yeah.

-Sorry.
-ABBY: Well...

Lucky for you, I'm moving out.

Oh, thank God, Abby. Oh, my God.

You're really gonna like this place.

-It's so nice...
-I'm moving in with Schmidt.

What... What's that, now?
You're moving in with who?

-Seriously?
-We would have sex all the time.

(CHUCKLES) Dinner was lovely, you guys.

-Thank you so much.
-Bye.

-What?
-SCHMIDT: Ooh. Hey, uh, Jess?

Can I borrow your glasses?
We're gonna role-play as you guys.

Ew. No.

You don't understand.

She's not gonna be you. I'm gonna be you.

-Ugh! Get out, Schmidt!
-Get out of here!

Okay...

Oh, God!

WINSTON: What's up, my man?

I took the test last week...
Or should I say, I took

the front part of the test last week,

and, sir, I am here
to finish what I started.

-What?
-What he's trying to say is

he took the entrance exam,
but he forgot to do the back half.

Well, the test is
administered on a computer.

There is no back.

(SIGHS)

You took the test on a computer?

I choked. I am a failure. I am a loser.

I am never gonna amount to anything.
I'm never gonna shoot somebody.

Dude, have some dignity, all right?

Thank you for your time, sir.

COACH: Winston.

Winston! Yo!

Winston!

Dude, you failed, man.

You fail hard! At everything!

-Dude, this pep talk sucks.
-I'm not finished.

Like, seriously, it's like
the Winston of pep talks.

Look at me.

You can do this, Winston.

Because now there's
nothing to be afraid of.

You hit rock bottom, man.

This is the worst it's gonna get.

Sir, it has been my dream to become a cop.

And no one's gonna stand in my way...

Not you, not him...

Hey, I was helping.

...and definitely not myself.

I would like to retake this test.

Well, there's one at 7:30 tomorrow.

Man, what about my last score
makes you think

I'm ready to take this test
again in 12 hours?

-He'll be there. Yeah.
-Yeah, I'll be there.

Thank you for messing everything up
and being such a terrible liar.

-Uh, you are very welcome.
-I think I really needed

to say that stuff to my sister.

-She's gonna wreck Schmidt.
-Oof...

He has no idea.

I'm sorry my family's so crazy.

Crazy?

Your family's not crazy.
My family's crazy.

My father used to trade horse semen.

I've got an uncle
whose God-given name is Shifty.

(LAUGHING)

Well, thank goodness...
We're the sane ones.

(CHUCKLES)

-So... Uh-huh.
-Okay, now, remember, up, and...

(SCREAMS)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

-Hello, Abby.
-Hey. S'up?

Have you thought about
what you're gonna do

if they pair you with a dirty cop?

Well, then, I would just
go to Internal Affairs.

Well, that's a good way to get killed.

Then at least I would die a hero.

Hmm, no, you won't.

They'll put you in panties
and then they'll plant you

next to a dead prostitute.

That's a poor lady.

It'd be a dude.

-(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
-But it's awesome!

Good luck on the exam!

They got dude prostitutes?

Nuh-uh.