All language subtitles for New Girl S03E11 Clavado En un Bar 1080p DSNP WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-MiU_track4_[eng]

Well, nothing brightens up
a rainy day

like a Scotch tasting, guys.

It's not raining today.
It hasn't rained in months.

-Shh, don't ruin the moment.
-There's actually

a huge forest fire. Dude,
you should turn on the news.

This is a 15-year-old
French oak reserve.

Mm! A note of cedar,
vanilla, tobacky.

Boozy.

Hunting, fishing,
shooting,

fatherhood, bonding...

Sadness.

Please don't leave me.

-Cheers, guys. Put 'er there Schmidty.
-Cheers.

Cheers.

-To a nice quiet evening.
-Tranquil.

This moment is so chill
and absent of drama,

I want to call it "Tim Duncan."

I have 21 minutes to make
a life-changing decision

and you beautiful sons-a-bitches
are gonna help me!

-NICK: Whoa.
-Yeah!

That is $45 worth of Scotch
right there.

It tastes disgusting.
I don't like it.

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

It's Jess!

So, obviously, Nick has told you
about how I've been volunteering

at the Children's Museum,
and really hitting it off

-with the head curator, Candace, right?
-In my way, I have.

-I've never heard that.
-Hasn't said a word. Thank God.

Come on.

Guys, give me one second.

I gotta go play a round
of "Car Keys Monty"

with Kevin-97 or he'll try
to drive home.

So, anyway,
about a month ago,

Candace calls me
and tells me

there might be a full-time
fund-raising position

-opening up and I'd be perfect for it.
-There we go,

look for the keys,
look for the keys, look for the keys.

And she keeps pushing
me for an answer,

and I keep
putting her off.

I say, "Thank you very much.
I'm very flattered,

"but I already have a job.
Me teacher."

That's a grammar joke.
You get it.

Look at the jukebox
for a sec.

When I think of teachers, I
think of two things: Jessica Day

and pornography where
the characters are teachers.

Well, of course I've always
wanted to be a teacher,

but my school's a disaster.

Justice Brandeis believed that...

Ms. Day?

Education's Principal Foster,
everybody!

Thank you so much.

Ms. Day, we have hit
a construction hiccup

-in our renovation, so...
-Okay.

Everybody's gonna have
to be sharing

-classroom space.
-What?

Hey, do you have a freezer
or should I flush these frogs?

My check comes either way.

Oh, come on. Foster's sticking
us with the math kids

that use letters
instead of numbers?

Do you mean algebra?

I guess. Anyway,

it's gonna be a couple
of crazy months, huh?

I'm sorry? Months?

Right. Years if the bond
issue fails.

Which it might,

since voters
are trending anti-future.

Anti-future?
Who's anti-future?

I don't know. The Amish?

The dying?

Television industry,
print media,

record industry,
railroad industry,

karaoke machine owners.
You got this?

I'm gonna go not smoke pot.

-So my phone rings...
-Oh, we telling phone stories? Nice.

-No, I'm talking about work.
-So your phone rings.

And it's Candace
officially offering

me the job! And I told her
I'd think about it!

Wow, you not being
a school teacher?

Well, you have found
my flabbergast button,

and guess what,
you've pressed it.

I'm flabbergasted as hell, too.

Look, I've been a teacher
my entire life,

and I've always wanted
to be a teacher,

but maybe I should be doing
something else. I don't know.

How do you know when
you're on the right path?

-(QUIETLY) It's crazy.
-(MUTTERING)

That wasn't
a rhetorical question.

-Oh!
-Oh!

What I like to do is just
take a drive up PCH maybe.

-(OVERLAPPING TALKING)
-Willy Wonka once said...

Guys, Candace is calling at 6:00
to find out my final answer!

-Whoa!
-What?

I'm sorry you're in
such a pickle.

But I'm not sorry
that I get to time something!

19 minutes, people!

-All right.
-Just to be clear, 19 minutes until 6:00.

I'm not sure this is helping.

This brings a whole
new level of tension

-to the whole situation.
-Yeah, because you're being timed now.

-You time a lot of stuff, Coach.
-46 seconds.

This is a life-changing
decision, that's it.

17 minutes till 6:00.
17 minutes, Jess.

Coach, do you always
wear a stopwatch? Like always?

You familiar with
Rollergirl's relationship

to her skates
in Boogie Nights?

-Yes.
-Well, I'm not,

because I don't watch
movies, I time them.

They're pornographers,
but they're also a family.

155:30 official running
time, my round ass!

Jess, choosing a career path
is never easy,

-but what I found...
-(MEN JEER)

-Oh, my God.
-Shut up, dude! Come on.

She's looking
for career advice.

Your job could be done
by a vending machine.

Guys, don't be mean.

So Nick doesn't have
a traditional career. I mean...

Or is it the most traditional?

Maybe I'm thinking
about prostitution.

Guys, as you all know,
I am the expert

at changing career paths.

Is this something
we're now bragging about?

No, Schmidt,
I'm referring to my decision

to quit playing
the game of basketball.

Jess, I will tell you this,
it was not easy.

It all began back...

JESS:
Come on, Winston move it along.

WINSTON:
Okay, Jess, fine,

but don't blame me if you get
lost in the nooks and crannies

of this crazy English muffin
we call Winston's life.

I was the ninth guy
off the bench

for the eighth-best team
in Latvia.

Winnie the Bish!
Winnie the Bish!

Winnie the Bish!

Ha-ha! Thanks for coming
to watch me play, guys.

We didn't watch you play.
We watched you sit.

Which was still fun.

You know, any chance
to get to Latvia, right, guys?

Yeah, I haven't played all year.

They barely let me practice,
but you know, like I always say,

How about them Lats?

JESS: So that's when you
decidedto change course.

That makes sense.
So my takeaway from that is...

Still building to the decision.

You are traded to Kraslava City.

The Outdoor League?

Man, they play
on a hillside!

I give you surprise tip.
Uphill basket, better.

JESS:
Aha, and then you decided...

WINSTON:
Ah!

I'm going fast!

Whoa, whoa,
whoa!

(LOUD CRASH)

You never play
basketball again.

Don't touch it.
Stop it.

And that's when I decided

to stop playing
the game of basketball.

Jess, walk away the
moment you stop loving it.

I mean, that's what I did.

That's the thing,
you didn't walk away.

You decided nothing. That story
contains zero decisions.

Look, I decided to
stop playing the game of basketball

when my doctor told me
I had to stop.

Okay, okay, all right, I...
It was my decision...

Mm-hmm.

...to start to play
the game of basket...

You were handed a basketball
six seconds after you were born.

Damn, do I even like basketball?

I mean, goodness,

have I ever made any decisions
my whole life?

Are we all just living inside
the mind of a giant?

All right, good job, buddy.
Really good. Thanks.

You know, if I may be so bold...

Oh, please. Winston,
have a seat.

I was literally about
to give advice.

She already heard one cautionary
tale tonight,

she does not need
to hear another.

What she needs
to hear is my story.

A story of hard choices.
A story of paths taken.

A story that I like to call,
"Kablamo McYeah, Bro!"

Ah, you stupid...

The title has nothing to do with
the story, but you need a hook.

It all began back...

JESS:
Come on, Schmidt!

What? Only one story

in the whole wide world can
begin in a hospital?

I volunteered a lot in college.

But I shone brightest
as a candy striper.

Sick people wanted me.

Dying people
wanted to be me.

I was the total
candy-striping package.

And yet I remained invisible

to the one whose gaze
I desired the most.

NICK:
Invisible? You were like

a 300-pound wall
of peppermint bark.

SCHMIDT:
Her badge said "RN"for registered nurse,

but as far as I was concerned,
it said "NILTH,"

"Nurse I'd Like To Hug."

Not even the baggiest of scrubs
could hide her splendid form.

Where's a guy
have to volunteer

to get a girl
like that, huh?

I don't volunteer.
I'm a man.

I have a job in marketing.

SCHMIDT: Obviously I was far too fat
to work in marketing.

So I got a job
any dumb slob could do.

Relax, man, it's your first day.

SCHMIDT: For a Jewish giant,
I had a surprising knack

for selling Christmas trees.

Not only did
my wide center of gravity

make me freakishly strong,

but I could also sell
like the wind.

Because I understood
one fundamental truth.

When you're buying
Christmas trees...

You're really buying sex.

Have you always been short?

I've always been fat.

But who cares how God made you?

Don't let him put you
in a skin box.

At the end of the day,
I'm just a fat guy

standing here in front
of a short guy telling him

that I think we found his tree.

It wasn't long before I caught
the attention of Old Man McCue,

Christmas tree king
of Syracuse,

inventor of triple netting.

-(GASPING)
-However...

In the words of the late,
great Sir Billy Joel...

Billy Joel is definitely alive.

And he's definitely
not a knight.

"The good, they do die young."

As I walk through the valley

Of the shadow of death

I take a look at my life

And realize there's nothin' left

'Cause I've been blastin'

And laughin' so long

That even my mama thinks

That my mind is gone, but...

When you're on your deathbed,

when your life has been lived,

you're never gonna say,

"I wish I'd spent more time
with my family."

Because money

and everything it buys,

you can...

Take it

with you...

(HEART MONITOR DRONES)

JESS:
Interesting, money.

Actually the museum job pays
more than the teaching job.

Wait, the m...
(STAMMERS)

Then what the hell are we
talking about here, you guys?

Done deal, case closed.

Follow them ducats.

It's not always
about the money, Schmidt.

Guys, look, it's almost 6:00.

And Candace is
insanely punctual.

You know, one
of the best

career choices of the future...

Driveways.

You're welcome.

-Jess, the museum job pays more.
-All right...

-The decision has been made for you.
-No, no, no.

You don't know the difference
between more and less.

-Don't you?
-Yes, Schmidt.

All of my decisions have
been made for me.

I'm only in sports radio because

I played
professional basketball.

I played professional basketball

because somebody put a ball
in my crib as a baby.

What if somebody gave
Baby Winston a flower?

Then what would I be?

-Beekeeper!
-Hummingbird farmer.

Oh, does water shoot
out of the flower?

If so, you'd be
a hilarious comedian.

Wait, guys, this is

classic after-6:00 topics.

Look, I... There has to be
more to this than money.

I really want to care
about what I do.

Don't you ever miss
getting your hands dirty

-and selling?
-I've moved up in the world.

I'm not freezing
and covered in sap.

I'm making spreadsheets.

It's like Old Man McCue
used to say.

The reward is
in the destination.

It's not in the journey.

Was he wise or was he senile?

Because he's mixed up a lot
of really well-known sayings.

Jess, you're gonna
want to listen to me.

Anyone else here named
after their career?

(CHUCKLES)

People call you Markety?

(QUIETLY)
Not yet.

That's too bad
'cause that's awesome.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Hands up, Ulvis!

Ball screen, Vlad, come on!

There we go, yes!

Bishop, finger
out of your nose, now!

Ernie's a really
good coach.

-Maybe we should call him Coach.
-We should probably call him...

You do it first.

-Uh... Coach.
-Yeah.

-That's a great name! High five!
-Yeah!

I think you see what I mean.

-No, I do... I really don't.
-My point is

don't overthink it, Jess.

The call's coming
from inside the house.

What?

Be who you are.
And do what you do.

What if I don't know who I am?

And you know,
I'm capable of doing

a lot of different things.

Then you are on your own.

Good stuff, Coach.

Jess, would it help to think

about your first day
as a teacher?

Like, I think about the first
time I ever poured a drink...

-Boo, get off the stage!
-Aw, man.

-Nick!
-Dude, stop.

No, that's interesting.
The first day I ever taught.

Portland Country Day.

Five-team Pacific Northwest
squash champions.

Go, Rhododendrons!

Now, if I was chalk,
where would I be?

If I were chalk,
where would I be?

Slip up like that
in front of the kids, Day,

and they'll eat you alive.

(GASPS)

Eddie Pascucci kicked
my ass because I'm new.

Well, guess what?

I'm new, too.

I got lost
trying to find

the upper dining garden.

Oh, that's over
by the hedge maze

and the stables.

I haven't even met my horse yet.
(LAUGHS)

Come on, let's get you
cleaned up.

All of these jackets have
cash in the pockets.

It's like a $50,000
lost and found.

Here, try this one.

Yup.

You look great, Clifton.

This doesn't fit!

Eddie Pascucci beats up
the unstylish!

JESS: Yeah, that's right.

We had an ethnic, gay bully.

(CRACKS KNUCKLES)
He's gonna have to come through me first.

Clifton Collins
really just needed

someone to believe in him.

So I started
tutoring him in math,

and he became the best
math student in school.

So, let's look him up and see

how happy and successful
and amazing he's doing.

-Yeah!
-Because I think that'll

really fire you up.

All right,
there's no trace of him.

-What?
-I'm really, I'm really good at this.

-Just...
-I'm good at it, let me see.

-You found him. He's right here.
-No, I didn't.

-Here's Clifton, wow.
-It's not a...

-Yeah, he's right there.
-That's Clifton. Oh, yeah.

We're not the only ones
looking for him. So's the FBI.

What?

-Yeah, he's a criminal.
-No.

Oh, my God.

Clifton "Baby Madoff" Collins?

Wanted for 53...
(GROANS)

...counts of embezzlement.

Sounds like the math took.

(GROANS)
Screw me.

Like, I...

Maybe I wasn't even
reaching the kids at all.

Okay, you know what?

-Miller up.
-Excuse me?

That's just like "fill 'er up,"
but with "Miller."

-Don't.
-'Cause I'm about to fill you up.

-No, that's gross.
-With my stories.

-Oh, please don't.
-That's disgusting.

What's disgusting about it?

My first year of law school,

I made an important discovery.

MAN:
Look left. Look right.

Next year,
one of you will be gone.

What a cliché, huh?

Oh, you wrote that down.

You'll be gone.
I'm not going anywhere.

I'm gonna be fine.
I'm gonna be right here.

Take it easy, guy to my right.

I discovered that I hated

being around these people.

But second year,
I made another discovery.

I hated being around myself.

So my third year,

I wanted to find
a place where I belonged.

Where I could look to my left

or look to my right
and like what I saw.

SCHMIDT:
Love you in that scarf.

Why don't you wear
scarves anymore?

That place?
Perhaps you guessed it:

this very bar.

WINSTON:
Get out of town.

What a twist.

(MUSIC PLAYING IN BACKGROUND)

JESS:
How long has thatguy been there?

NICK:
Kevin-97?

Since 1997, Jess.

Why else do you think
we would call him...

I don't know.
Move it along, Miller.

True, I wasn't
loving law school,

but my grades were fine
and I even signed up

for the California
State Bar.

And then, one day...

Red over-served himself

and everything changed.

JESS:
So you went behind the bar,

quit law school,
you became a bartender...

There's more to
it than that.

Two minutes!

Oh, my God.
I honestly don't know what to do.

I have so little time.

-Hey.
-JESS: Cece!

Have you ever questioned
your entire career?

Duh, I'm a 31-year-old model.

My last job was
for a phone sex ad,

and I was the one calling.

Tell me what to do.
And don't tell me

to ask the guys, because
I already tried that.

And also,
don't tell me

to think about
my first student, Clifton.

Okay, no, wait.
Your first student

was not Clifton.

(PHONE RINGING)

Lady, she's still
got one minute.

That was a butt dial
from your mother.

She is up to no good.

Cece, bring it fast and bring
it hard. You have 53 seconds.

(SIGHS)

-You okay?
-Yes.

No.

I think I need glasses,
unless crying makes

your eyes not work.

I can't read this,

but even when I can,
I don't understand it.

Crying makes your
eyes work better.

After I finished
Sophie's Choice,

I could see in
the dark for a week.

Here's what I do
when I lose mine.

Ooh, this is interesting.

Get in here.
We'll learn it together.

But everyone'll
laugh at us.

They can drive it or milk it

as far as I'm concerned.

I don't know
what that means.

I heard
my dad say it.

My dad just died.

Well, if you want
to come over and

listen to mine say,
"They can drive it

"or milk it..."
You can.

He's also got one

about the turds
at City Hall.

Thanks.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

(GIGGLES)

-I'm Cece.
-Jess.

(BOTH GIGGLE)

I was your first student.

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh...

Hey, Candace.

Um, yeah.

Actually...

I'm not gonna take the job.

Yeah, I'll see
you Sunday.

Okay. Bye.

-All right!
-Yeah!

-(WHOOPS)
-Thanks, guys.

WINSTON:
Yes!

-Thanks, guys.
-Yeah. (LAUGHS)

-You did it.
-Good stuff.

Hey. She did it.

You made the right call, Jess.
What's wrong?

I think you're right.
I made the right decision.

Look, I know it's hard...

But the hard is what...

Makes it good.

-Um...
-Is that from

-A League of Their Own?
-A League of Their Own.

Yes, of course. All my quotes
are from sports movies.

You guys don't know them
and so they seem original.

A League of Their Own

is not a sports movie.

-It's a sports movie, first and foremost.
-It's about sisterhood.

-And the war.
-Yeah, absolutely.

It's about a baseball team
grinding it up.

This used to be
my playground...

Coming right up.

His sister
really worries

about his drinking,
so what I do is

I come in early

and I soak a teabag
until the water turns brown

and looks like booze.

I call it tea-water.

So... Tea.

I will take

a big old glass
of booze-water.

Got an antacid
commercial tomorrow...

-Oof.
-...and I'm playing day-old curry.

Or you can bartend.

You can bartend till
you're 90 years old.

Why don't you fire this

down to Kevin-97?

(CRACKS KNUCKLES, SIGHS)

JESS:
Oh, no.

We're gonna work on that.

Good morning, everybody.
Welcome to Alge-Bio-Civics.

Turn in your equations,

and you will get a frog.

Dissect carefully,

because inside the frog

is the name of
the city council member

who you will be e-mailing

to restart construction.

-Ms. Day?
-Yes.

I thought this was
gonna be a disaster.

But thanks to you,
I can go

upstairs to
the big boys

and tell them they
can always depend...

On Dr. Alan Foster.

Yeah.

Please take his job,

I'm begging you.

I'd do it myself,

but I'd never pass
the psych test.

JESS:
So I figure...

If Foster can
be a principal,

then why can't I
be a principal?

-That's great.
-I don't see why not.

-Thank you.
-Then you could take me

to the principal's
office and punish me

-for being tardy, and...
-You know we're right here, right?

Just lift up my
britches and...

-We'll talk about it later.
-Okay.

-Very nice.
-We'll do it in my office.

After I fill up
my juice box.

(GIGGLES)

So, guys, just quit
my job today.

-Whoa, big decision.
-Oh, man! What?

I just finally
said to myself,

"It is time to make
your own decisions."

-Right on.
-Yeah.

If it doesn't work out, I'm sure they'd
be happy to have you back.

They would... They would
not like to have me back.

-I burned a lot of bridges today.
-Mmm.

Uh, stuff got weird.
Stuff got... Racial.

-What?
-I used a lot of swear words.

Then I got sexual...

Well, sounds like you need
a drink. On the house.

-What can I get you?
-Ooh... Let me get a, let me get a...

We have everything.
What would you like to drink?

But you know,
I'll make the decision.

Let me get...

-Double amaretto, extra cherries!
-Double amaretto,

extra cherries!
That's what I was gonna say.

Nice.

-JESS: Oh, dear.
-SCHMIDT: Oh, my goodness!

My first shift, you know?
I'm still working on it.

-She's getting better.
-SCHMIDT: That was great.

-COACH: That was awesome.
-SCHMIDT: Yeah. A natural.

(CLAVADO EN UN BAR
BEGINS PLAYING)

-Hey.
-Hey.

Sorry I didn't let you
finish your story.

-What's this?
-The end of my story.

No way!

You passed the bar exam?

I wanted to prove
to myself

that I dropped
out of law school

because I wanted
to be a bartender,

not because
I couldn't be a lawyer.

-This also says "spaghetti sandwich."
-That's just 'cause

it's a great idea.
When I have a great idea, I write it down.

The point is...

Is I want this.

You know,
it makes me happy.

Well, here.

Now, can I get
you a drink?

-Sure.
-Sure.

Abre un poco el corazón

-Deja amarte corazón
-Cheers. To unemployment.

-Absolutely.
-Exactly.

Ven y sácame de este bar

Estoy clavado

Estoy herido

Estoy ahogado en un bar

Desesperado

En el olvido amor...

I see you're looking
at a Douglas fir.

It's a beautiful tree.

We move a ton of these
Dougie firs. Love them.

But...

I feel like you're ready
for the spruce lifestyle.

Let's spruce this up.

Let me put you
in a spruce today.

What kind of ceilings you got
at home? Vaulted? Cathedral?

By the way,
there's no wrong answer.

You look like a confident man,
you know that?

You deserve a confident tree...