All language subtitles for First.Dates.S21E03.1080p.HDTV.H264-DARKFLiX_track4_eng

This program me contains
mild and saucy language

This is a restaurant like no other.

Tell me,
why on earth are you single?

I just attract absolute arseholes.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, I'm sorry, too!

Hello, Fred.

These hopeful singletons...

Hi!

...are about to take a bold step...

Are you ready? Yeah, I'm ready,
I'm ready, I'm ready.

...into the unknown.

"Questions you ask on a date.”

For some...

Shit, she's so pretty.

...romance is on the horizon.

Well, that was quite nice,
wasn't it?

But the path to love is...

Oh, shit.

...unpredictable.

I own a dungeon.

And Cupid's arrow...

...can sometimes miss its mark.

Oh, my God.

Hey!

That was weird.

Been with my current partner
for a year.

You're not pregnant, are you?
SHE GASPS

No, bad joke.

His mum is also on a date.

Bit soon to meet the parents.

Hi!

We make it happen, baby.

Oh, there was a kiss!

We make it ALL happen.

One meal...

I don't want this to end.

Hi. Hi.

...one big question.

Would you like
to see each other again?

The nearest we're getting
to a compliment,

that my mannerisms
are like Kenneth Williams.

That's not a good sign.
That's not a good compliment.

This is the First Dates restaurant.

Don't overthink it, because
otherwise

you're going to work yourself up

and then you're not going to
enjoy it. So just calm.

I know, but what are you hoping for
for me? Well, a nice, handsome gent.

This is Stephan.

Ooh, it's my lovely boy! Mwah!

And this is Andrea, his mum...

Hi!

...here on a double date.

# Mama said there'd be
days like this... #

Mum is bubbly, fun,
intelligent, a bit wacky.

My friends have said,
your mum's a MILF.

I'm like, what do you expect me...?

Now I'm uncomfortable and
I want to leave.

Do you always go dating with
your sister? Oh, you're too kind!

You're such a charmer.

My biggest dream
is for my Steph to find someone.

Because he really deserves it.

Mum...!

It's very flattering.
Do you love me?

And then she does this.

So, what is it going to be like
if you don't like his date or

vice versa? What's going to happen?

In fairness, I'm a pretty chill mum,
aren't 1?

I love the way he went...

She's all right.

Shall we get going? Thank you!

Andrea, take a seat here.
Merci. Thank you.

Stephan, thanks again.
Thanks, lovely to meet you.

What can I get you to drink?

Sexy beast? Is that me in a drink?

Let's go for it. Nice.

Are you ready to order some food,
some drinks?

Do you have any questions at all?

This is 70-year-old retired
medical secretary Diane,

who isn't letting age
get in the way of a good flirt.

Diane? Hello.

Hello, I'm Merlin.
Pleased to meet you.

Very nice to meet you too, my dear.

I'm bringing... I'm coming to you.
I like the service.

I get lots of looks from younger
men, and it's quite...

It's lovely, it gives you a buzz.

I think the best way to flirt is
with your eyes.

Are you doing it now?
I'm doing it now, yeah.

And I always like the phrase,
"Well, hello."

Do you know, I like to ask people
this - who's your celebrity crush?

Are you ready for this? Go on, then.

Harry Styles.

Bit young.

Oh, his grandad will do. Yeah!

My granddaughter is mad on him too.

We both would fight over him

but I said I'd win
because he likes older women.

Nice chat. Thank you.

Thank you, see you later.

Ooh!

My dream man would be somebody
that's enjoyed life

and got lots of stories.

I'd love him to be smart, have
a brain and smart in appearance.

# Forgive me, Delilah, I just
couldn't take any more! #

Thank you very much.
APPLAUSE

Retired trucker
and part-time crooner Neil is

hoping his bachelor days are
finally behind him.

# I love you baby... #

I've been divorced for 41 year.

When you live on your own, try not
to make as much mess, so if you make

something to eat, why not just leave
it in t'pan and eat it out t'pan?

NEIL CACKLES
How are you?

Always wanted to meet you. How you
doing? I'm very well, thank you.

Lovely to meet you, Neil.
Nice to meet you too, sir.

We're trying to suss out
whether that might be my date.

When was the last time
you were dating?

Ooh, fair while ago, I think, yeah.
Few years back now.

What have you been doing
since then? Erm, not a lot.

Why do you think you're single?

I don't know!

Perhaps nobody likes me.

Let's go and meet her.
Thank you very much, sir.

I like somebody that's outgoing,
like me, likes to have a good time

and go on holiday and not
sat at home, knitting a cardigan.

That's no good,
is it, you know what I mean?

I like the larger lady,
I must admit I do, yeah.

It just floats my boat.

They seem to be more bubbly to me.

Hello! Hello, how are you doing?

How are you? How are you, you all
right? I'm Diane. I'm Neil.

I was just going to say,
give her a kiss.

Don't rush me, Fred.

Thank you very much, sir,
thank you. Thank you. Pleasure.

How you doing, then, all right?
Yeah, I am.

Where are you from, then?
Manchester. Oh, all right.

I'm from Colne, just a bit further
up t'border. Ooh, Colne, Lancashire?

Yeah, yeah.
So we're both Lancashire, then.

Fantastic. Yeah, yeah.

How long have you been on
your own for?

Quite a while, actually.

I've had dates with people.

I went out with
a lass for quite a few years but it

just didn't work out, you know what
I mean? One of them things.

We're still friends, like, we see
each other for a drink and that.

That's fine. Of course it is, yeah.

Sometimes, that's works out better,
doesn't it? Well, I think so, yeah.

I have a nice refreshing pint...
Thank you very much, sir.

You're a gentleman. Love your
glasses there, my man. Thank you.

Good spot.
Do you have a pair as well?

You'd suit some chunky frames.
Would I really? Yeah.

I've got a chunky frame, but...

Nowt wrong with...
Hey, that's nowt wrong with that.

Listen, there's more to cuddle.
Exactly.

Cheers, anyway. Enjoy.
Cheers, Neil. All the best.

Nice to meet you, darling.

I don't know many people that would
happily go dating with their mother.

Is this something
you guys usually do? No! No!

This is the first! First time!

Right. But neither of us has
actually been on a date in a while.

Have you not? No. No.

Who do you think
your mum needs to be with?

Picture George Clooney,
Michael Buble looking,

with Gino D'Acampo personality.

Yeah, I could see myself with
a bit of a debonair,

va-va-voom-type guy. Yeah.

There has to be a spark.

I'd like a man that looks after
himself, that's got a lovely smile.

Kind, funny, loyal.

Cultured, likes art, likes, you
know, a little bit of travel.

Cheers. Good luck.

Good luck to you too!

Hi.

My name's Mark.

And here I am!

Andrea's date is Mark,

a lecturer with a passionate
sense of wanderlust.

You've got a spring in your step.
I've always got a spring in my step.

How are you? Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

Is that my date? OK, breathe!

I've travelled to over 43 countries.

I consider myself
a conservative hippie.

So, I come from a middle-class zone
but I like to do lots

of creative things, such as
painting, writing songs, poetry.

Have you been single for long?
Five years. Five...? Oh?

But I'd been married 14 years
and I'm sort of...

Easing yourself back in?
Easing myself back into life. OK.

I don't want to turn around
and stare while you're looking.

Sort of makes it obvious.

So, I quite like sensual women.

I like humour, I like to be able to
flirt and be playful with a partner.

What do you think?
He looks nice, if that is your date.

I do also like a little bit
of life experience, sophistication.

Right, I'm going
to leave you here. Oh! Oh, OK?

I just assumed...!

Thank you. Take a seat.
I was a bit confused then.

Ey-up, what's going on here?
What's the craic?

Do we do the Mediterranean...?
We can do that, why not?

Yeah, yeah. We do the two...
And the three. OK.

Yeah. So, no, this is not my date,
this is my son.

I'm also here for a date.
Holy Moley! Yeah!

Nice to meet you. I'm Mark.
Hi, Mark, I'm Stephan.

I'm ready for a drink, definitely!

Wow, this is surreal.
I know! Crazy, huh?

What would you like, sir?
Erm, what exotic things...?

Well, I'm having...
It's called a sexy beast.

I think I'WL just go with a beer,
just keep it simple.

Would you ever go on a double date
with your parents?

No. No!

No, no way, no way.

Right, come with me.

OK, thank you! Have a good time.

Good luck, darling. I love you.
I love you too, have fun.

Lovely to meet you.

There you are, Andrea.
Thank you very much. Pleasure.

So funny. His face, bless him.

Enjoy your date. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you so much.

So, this is where the
glasses come out.

Yeah.

I'm hoping it'll go well. Nice.
Fingers crossed.

Sorry, what's your name again,
sorry? Diane. Diane.

Yeah, I'm Neil, yeah.

Everybody calls me Neil the Wheel,
because, obviously,

Neil rhymes with wheel
and I were a truck driver.

Oh, that's a good one.
Truck driver, you know. Oh.

I get Mad Diane. Mad Di.

It's a lovely name, is Diane.
Do you think so?

Of course it is, yeah, yeah.

Right, this is it now.
This is serious. I know!

What I'm looking for in a partner is
definitely someone who's a bit

quirky, fun, down for a laugh
and kind above all else.

Then I'd be pretty happy.

# Express yourself... #

Ooh la la!

You know how to make an entrance.

LAUGHING: I try!

Why are you single, a beautiful
girl like you? I don't know!

I'm just unlucky, I think.

I don't know if that is my date
but they are gorgeous.

Stephan's date is art therapy
student Alicia,

who's hoping to draw a line under
the single life.

What's the biggest misconception
about you?

Probably that I'm "edgy".

People see the tattoos
and think I'm a bit alternative,

but I'm kind of really soft.

Do you have any party tricks to
impress your date?

If I tilt my head at
the right angle,

I can fit Maltesers in my dimples.

Ooh, can you? Oh, I can see!

Yeah, they're so deep, yeah.
But it's got to be like...

I think the biggest thing
I miss about being in a relationship

is just knowing that there's
someone by my side.

When I'm spooning my cat,
I'm like, this is kind of sad.

I don't want to be that
crazy cat lady.

Here we are, I'll leave you here.

Thank you ever so much.
Hello! Hello!

Hi, lovely to meet you.
Lovely to meet you too.

What's your name? Alicia. Alicia,
nice to meet you, I'm Stephan.

OK, I'll try and remember that!

Your tattoos are amazing.

Thank you so much. Wow.

Hello! Hey, how are you?

Can I have a vodka and soda, please?
Coming up. Nice.

Is that your son at the bar?
Yes! Is that his date?

Oh, my God, wow!

She looks really interesting.

Look at her!

So, what do you do for work?

So, I'm an animal carer at a rescue
charity for dogs and cats. Oh, wow!

That's so good.
I'm so happy for you. Thank you.

What about you, what do you do?
So, I've just finished my undergrad,

it's the biggest mouthful you'll
ever hear. OK?

So, it's creative expressive arts,
health and well being. OK.

And then I'm going to go on to do
art therapy. I love that.

Yeah, really excited. Wow.

So, I'll give you a little
bit of back story for tonight,

because it is unusual - my mum is
also here on a date. Oh, my God!

She's there, the woman in black.

Wow.

So, have you tried dating online?
No. Don't, it's horrible.

I've looked, but...
I did it for about six months

and then I thought,
I'm meeting a load of idiots.

It's just a load of rubbish.

Back in t'day, you know,
having a court, a night out,

have a few beers.
But I love that word, courting.

Yeah, they don't do that any more,
do they? No.

Teenagers, all they want to do,
young people these days, go out,

get leathered, have sex and then
they might never see them again.

You know what I mean,
what's the point in that?

You've got to gel,
haven't you, together?

Bond, you know what I mean?

I might be getting a bit of a
fuddy-duddy or summat, I don't

know, but I just want to fall
in love and have a woman by me side.

I was married for 22 years.
Were you?

My ex, there's 16 years between us.
Right.

So, he was 25, I was 41.

Nowt wrong with that. No.

So, obviously,
we don't have as much in common.

You won't, not with
so many years between you.

That's right,
so many years between. Yeah.

My ex was the love of my life.

Even now, sometimes, when I think
about him, it's just heartbreaking.

When there's such
a big age difference,

that's going to be a time
when it matters.

And I think it probably got
to him before me.

When it ended,
he wanted to finish it.

So, what, did he want a younger
model or...? Possibly.

My ex got to the age of 50
and I think I'd started

to wind down a bit but
he was still 25 in his head,

he still liked to party,
and that's fine,

but he suddenly decided
he wanted more.

So, that was it.

Obviously, at first,
it was heartbreaking. Yeah.

But you get on, don't you?

You soldier on.

It's just day-to-day, in't it?

Heartbreak, it's like you've got
a knot in your stomach.

I can honestly say,
it is like the grieving process.

He met and married somebody within
12 month.

After he left you? Yeah.

Well, I would have been
with you, then.

Aw, I know, I know.
I think you're fantastic.

Thank you.

Listen, we're going home together,
aren't we?

That's what we're doing,
we're going home together. Yes.

Why should we not?
And enjoy ourselves.

Oh, my goodness.
OK, food has arrived.

Oh, my God, that's very green!
Keep your hands off!

ANDREA CHUCKLES

Anyway, buon appetito.

So, have you been on
a lot of dates? In my life? Or...?

Well, you hide a lot
behind that face.

And that little furtive smile that
goes on, you know.

To be honest with you, I mean,
I met a couple of ladies

and it was nice, it was fine.
It wasn't...

I don't think we were necessarily
compatible

but we...enjoyed ourselves.

And then it was like, I think
we've kind of exhausted that.

As we get older, we get a little bit
more selective... We do.

A little bit fussier? Yeah, yeah.

I would say that I'm kind of...
semi-shy?

There's a girl that I see at
the train station,

she seems to be in my line
of vision on a regular basis,

and yet somehow,
I've done nothing about it.

It would be ridiculous,
on the one hand,

if she turns around and goes, "I've
got three kids and I'm married,

"what do you want from me?”,
kind of thing.

It could be that she goes, "I was
waiting for you to come and chat.”

Who knows?

Yes, it's time to get
going again, I think, now.

I go home, I go upstairs,
I've got my space,

it's like being back in...
Was it Back To The Future...?

Where do you live, by the way?
Whereabouts are you? Solihull.

Where? Solihull. In the
West Midlands. Oh, wow. Oh, gosh.

How would that work, then?
LOUD GURGLING

How would that work?
How does it work?

How would it work? I'm in Harrow.

So, what's your type, normally?
Oh, my goodness.

Do you have a type? Erm...

The waitress.

Is the waitress your type?

Just stop jumping...

Give me a second, it's like...

No, I'm just saying,
I've got to the point where...

I've lost my train of thought now.
Oh, sorry, sorry.

So... Yeah, you've got to calm down,
because you're like...

Erm...

Hello, guys, how are we doing?
Hiya, good, thank you.

I know you've got your mother also
on a date downstairs. I do, yes.

How do you think she's getting on?

I think she seems to quite like him.

Yeah? I'm glad we're not
super-near each other.

Otherwise, she'd be staring at me.
Yeah!

I think she would like you, though.
Fingers crossed.

Normally,
the tattoos put parents off.

I mean, I've already got tattoos
so she's not going to judge you.

Hopefully not.

Thank you.

So, I need to know about some
of your tattoos.

There's this one, which is me,
my non no, which is

Italian for grandfather,
and my nonna. OK. And I drew that.

I'm really arty. I had a bit of art
therapy when I was younger

and was like, OK, I dig this.

What was the reason for that,
if you don't mind me asking?

Erm, well,
I got quite badly bullied

when I was starting
secondary school.

And I actually ended up in a PRY,
which is a pupil referral unit.

So it's like the place they
pop the naughty kids. I see.

I was a bit of an outsider
in school.

I think it was just the complete
lack of belonging.

Wondering why does everybody else
fit in so easily

and why can't I
just go along with the crowd?

Because I didn't,
I was quite defiant.

Didn't make it easier for myself,
because I rocked up in year seven

with a full, black, emo fringe,
short, black hair

that I spiked up, and people used to
call me Sonic the Hedgehog.

Fair enough!

I left at 16 with four GCSEs
and went into work.

And that's, I think, where
I started to build my confidence.

Now feels like the perfect time to
meet someone because |'ve

really learned to love who I am
and embrace all my oddities.

Yeah, I've experimented with my
hair a load. Fair, yeah.

So have I, to be fair. I dyed
it a lot. What colours? AUl of them.

I've had it pink, purple,
blue, orange.

I ended up with frosted tips
at one point. Oh...

I did look like I should have
been in a boy band.

And my mum says, "To be fair,
we did tell you not to go outside

"looking like that
but you didn't listen, because you

"were stubborn little emo boy."

And I said, "OK, fair enough,
yeah, you're right."

I hate when they're right.

Comedians, they don't exist any
more. No, I know.

A lot of comedians now, it's all
effing and jeffing all the time.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I can't be doing
with that. No, no, no.

So, what do you think about
Peter Kay? Yeah, he's good, yeah.

He's all right. He's a Manchester
lad, in't he? Bolton, Bolton.

Sorry, Bolton, yeah.

Bolton, where's Bolton?
Yeah, Bolton. Bolton. Bolton.

Bolton. Bolton.

They've got electricity there now,
you know. Have they?

Exactly! Oh, dear, love it.

Hello, I'm in the toilets!

Cos he has just gone off to speak
to his mum, who is also on a date.

I know, right!

He was like, that's my mum.

I was like,
bit soon to meet the parents!

I think she's really pretty.
What's her name? Alicia. Oh, my God!

I think she's...
She's covered in gorgeous tattoos.

I know, I saw the tattoos.

Yeah, it's going well, yeah.

He's so lovely, he's really chatty.

Do we know what the lady would like
or are we not sure?

I might just be here on my own
for the rest of the evening.

Oh, have you been...?
No, I'm joking.

I don't know where she's gone.
OK, gin and tonic?

That would be nice, thank you.
No worries.

I don't know if he fancies me.

It's...

It would be nice to say, oh, my God,
you look nice.

Nothing!

We have paid each other compliments.
I didn't get one.

Erm, I'm yet to meet the mum,
don't know if I'll get the chance.

Also, she's probably still in there.
Who's in there? Your date?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. I'm going
to go and talk to her.

No, I was saying...
What's her name? Alicia?

Yeah, but don't just...
No, don't just find her.

Don't be weird about it.

OK. I'm so excited.

Hi!

Mum, I'm going to go,

I think I'm meeting my date's mum.

Come on, I'm going to put you
on the spot now,

what do you think of my son?
Lovely. He's so lovely.

Now, I know I'm biased
because I'm Mum,

he's so full of love to give and
he's so thoughtful and so loving.

Irrespective of whatever happens,
he's a good one.

Yeah, he seems amazing.
He's a good one.

So, Stephan, how are you?

I believe she's currently talking
to my mum in the bathroom.

I just hope my mum's not
embarrassing me.

I hope it works out for you guys!
Oh, so do I! I would love you! Aw!

Right, when are you coming
round for dinner?

Whenever you want me!

I think she's gorgeous, she's very
funny, we have a lot in common.

I love her aesthetic,
the way she looks. Happy days.

Thank you very much. Great.

WHISPERING: Oh, my God, Steph,
she's gorgeous! I know.

Ooh, look at your face!

All right, all right.
She's coming, she's coming. Go away!

She's just too cute.

OK, have fun. Have fun. Bye! Bye!

I'm so sorry I was so long.
No, you're fine.

OK. This way.

How do you think your mum’s
getting on?

Erm, I literally said, say something
that you think is nice,

whether it's his eyes,
his shirt, his hair,

and maybe that will embolden him
to pay the compliment back.

I'm hoping this works out,
but we'll see.

Did you think I'd done a runner?

Did I think or was I hoping?

I don't know... No!

I bumped into Stephan's date.

She was in the toilet.

Was she crying or...? No.

She's lovely, she seems lovely
enough, so, please, God.

You seem rather lovely too.

That's very sweet of you.
I mean, yes. Yes...

I'm, erm...

Hmm.

So, do you go out the local pub,
then, weekends? Yeah.

Local pub for me, it's from here
to t'other side of this room! Wow.

I go out on a Sunday because I go
out with me brother on a Sunday.

He's not into karaoke
but I'll sing, you see,

because I used to sing for a living,
years ago. Oh!

So, who's your favourite singer?
Tom Jones, Engelbert.

Matt Monro.
Oh, remember The Bachelors?

I sing that, yeah.
I sing that. Oh, do you? Aw!

# I'm in heaven

# When I see you smile

# Smile for me. #

I'll have to sing to you sometime.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you sing and I'll be
an ooh-er.

Like,
# Ooh, ah, ooh, ah. #

Exactly!

Did you know that Neil is
a karaoke singer?

Well, we've gone through the ballad
list. Do you fancy serenading her?

I do, yes, I do, yeah. That's going
to be a memory of a lifetime.

Oh, hey, you've had it now.

There you go.
Thanks very much. What do you do?

I'm a piping instructor.

So, in schools, teaching
the bagpipes. Wow.

PIPES SKIRL

This is Adam.

His time on the dating scene has
left him feeling a little deflated.

Dating apps, I've been on a couple,
but it's hard.

People are just putting
a couple of pictures in a profile

and you've just got to judge
a whole...

That my specs gone again, sorry.

They're held on with Sellotape.

HE CHUCKLES

Sorry.

You might see someone
you like the look of and send them

a message and you never get anything
back. So it's quite disheartening.

Where have you come from?
Edinburgh.

Edinburgh's a lively place, mate.

A lot of the nightclubs are
full of youngsters.

I'm a youngster myself,

but a lot of the music isn't
really what I'm into. Ah.

So, your dating history, what's
been happening there? Pretty sparse.

I'm not too fussy, beggars can't be
choosers. Oh, come off it.

It's more the personality,
making sure

they can hold a conversation, get
some good laughs out of them. Yeah.

Hopefully, it might lead into
something long-term. Brilliant.

Enjoy, see you later. Thank you.

All right?

# I'm on my way... #

Yet to find a man
to take down the aisle

is 24-year-old supermarket
worker Conor.

SOUND TREATED AS IF COMING OVER PA:
Hello, this singleton will be

available to date in five minutes.

Please make your way to the
front of the queue,

and you can buy me a drink.

What's your name, please? Conor.
Conor, nice to meet you.

Where are you from, Conor?
Dunfermline, so in Fife.

Dating is, honestly, a disaster.

Unless you are a size one,

no-one wants to have anything to do
with you.

Are you ready? Yeah.

We've got a date organised for you.

And he's Scottish too. Oh, is he?
Yeah. Thank God for that.

I'm plus size and cuddly.

Here you are. All right, pal?
All right?

Adam. Nice to meet you, Adam.
Nice to meet you. How are you, pal?

I'm good, mate, how are you?
Ugh, as well as can be.

Hello. Can I get a pint of lager,
please? That you can.

What did you say your name was,
sorry? Conor. Conor. Yeah. Sorry.

So...

You been up to much?

I came down last night,
so had a wee wander this morning,

but apart from that, I've just been
sitting waiting all day.

I did the same, yeah.

Oh...

What do you work as?

I'm a piping instructor, so I'm
in the schools, teaching bagpipes.

Really? How to do the breathing
and things, so.

You've got to blow into the bag
but you've got to squeeze the bag,

so it's about continually getting
the air through the pipes

and stuff like that.

It's getting the rhythm of it.

You're either breathing or
blowing or squeezing.

Rather than, like, blowing...
then squeezing.

Because then they're just going
to be cutting out.

Well, someone's got to do it, eh?

Well, here's to a good date, man.
Cheers. Hopefully it'll be good, eh?

Aye, fingers crossed.

Hang on a minute while I find it.

ECHOING ACROSS RESTAURANT: # On the
night that I passed by her window

# I saw the flickering
shadows of love on her blind

# She was my woman... #

Oh, dear.

# My, my, my, Delilah

# Da-da da-da-da-da-da!

# Why, why, why, Delilah?... #

I am excited. I feel as
though I've turned a corner now.

# But I was lost like a slave
that no man could free. #

It's like Romeo and Juliet up there.

APPLAUSE
Thank you very much, thank you.

And when he went and did the
serenade from the balcony,

that was great.

Thank you very much, thank you.
He'll be taking...

Thank you very much.
He'll be taking autographs later.

Would you
like to see each other again?

WHISPERING: Do you want me
to go first?

WHISPERING: You go first.

I would love to see her again, yes.

And I would like to see you again.
Good. I'm glad about that.

I'm going on a bit
because I talk a lot,

I'm terrible for talking.
I'm the same. Are you?

Do you know what me dad used to say?
"Diane, dry up!"

It's better than being boring,
in't it?

My first impression was
that Neil looked very smart.

Thank you very much. And your
personality hit straight away.

Yeah, I thought
the same about you too.

And I just thought,
this is going to be good. Yeah.

Hang on while I get me spectacles.
Aw, let me pay some, Neil

You're all right, it's all right,
don't worry. Thank you very much.

The night's young yet,
don't worry about it.

I like everything about her,
I think she's fantastic.

We had a good evening,
it's been great. Aw, that's lovely.

I don't think I've had a date that's
been this good ever, I don't think.

Oh, that's fantastic!
Honestly, I'm not joking.

I've really enjoyed your company
tonight. Honestly, it's been great.

You've a good sense of humour
and I'm not bad for an old bloke,

you know what I mean? No!

And I turned me hearing aid off
halfway through, so.

It's been an absolutely
fantastic night.

And I can't wait to see you again.

So, relationship history...

Yeah. Spill the beans.

I've had a girlfriend
and a boyfriend,

so fully being the stereotypical
bisexual. Yeah, what about you?

I've probably had about
two serious relationships.

I mean, if you don't mind me asking,
are you straight? I'm bi.

Woohoo!

So, I wanted to ask - it's
not like a huge deal... Mmm-hmm?

But, erm, I'm a trans guy.

OK, cool. So, what's your
kind of...? I'm totally open.

I really respect it, actually.

That's the main thing. So, yeah.

I fully didn't accept it
until I was about 22.

Everybody else apparently already
knew but they were just

letting me get there on my own
accord, which was fine.

Yeah, figure it out yourself.

It was, like, 3am
and I just sat up in bed one night

and I was like, "Oh, my God,", I was
like, "I'm a guy!

"That's what it is!"

The first person I ever came out to
as trans was my snake.

I just turned to him and said,
"Murphy, I'm a boy."

And it was good because then it gave
me the confidence to actually

verbalise that to
the humans in my life.

Your family's good with it,
then, I'm assuming? Yeah, yeah.

I mean, Mum did struggle
a little bit.

Like, you know,
"I'm going to lose my little girl!"

And I was like, I've never
been your little girl. Yeah.

You've got one of those already,

that's my sister, she's very
girlie.

I didn't know a lot about the trans
community myself then

or what it entailed, so, initially,

you get this rush of, "Oh, my God,
what are people going to think?

"Are they going to accept him?"

I carried it for two years

and I was literally quite ill,

thinking,
how am I going to tell my parents?

They're just not going to understand
it, they're going to disown him.

And then my dad just said,

"We love our Steph for who he is
and, in fact,

“I'm not going to not
only tell him how much I love him,

“I'm going to tell him
I love him even more."

My grandparents,
who are Greek Orthodox,

accept me wholeheartedly,
use my correct pronouns.

It's been a long time of me
navigating my identities.

I have been every letter of LGBT+
and at this point,

I think I'm done.

I can fully give myself to
another person romantically

and really just enjoy myself
in a relationship.

For me, it's more
about the personality connection.

Obviously, having someone very
attractive is a bonus,

which you are, so that's fantastic.

So are you. Thank you.

I've really enjoyed the fact that
we've just batted off each other.

Yeah. My friends were like, what
if they paired you with someone,

you could bring them out
of their shell?

No, no, no, they need to
have their shell off. Yeah.

I'm a homeless hermit crab, there's
no shell. Oh, yeah, love that.

That's what I wanted. Sorted.

I don't know about you, Adam,

but I'm quite bad at dropping
things down myself.

Yeah. Which is
why I'm not wearing white.

Hmm.

I'm not going to lie,
this is really, really fancy for me.

£7.50 for asparagus, man!

Where are you...? Oh, my God!

I love asparagus but I'm not
sure if I love it at £7.50.

A whole carrot with herb crumb.

How much do they want that for?
25 quid?

You're better off down the Co-op.
Oh, don't, don't, don't.

You see my favourite
thing about getting a meal deal?

See when you scan everything through

and it's like £2.90 for your wrap
and then this...

And then you hit the Clubcard
and the price goes down.

The price goes down, I'm like, oh,
my God, I just saved so much money.

How old are you? If you don't mind
me asking? I'm 59. Oh, are you?

We're the same age, then.
I'm going to be 59 this year.

Am I fishing for a compliment now?

All the time!

The years just pass,
you know, life gets busy.

Obviously, I just threw myself into
bringing the children up and doing

all the mumsy things that one does,
so life just happens, doesn't it?

I did have one more long-term
relationship, it was difficult for

him to accept the fact that I had
children and I had to split my time.

Yeah. I think had he had
me to himself,

that would have been perfect...
I've heard this story before, yeah.

And obviously, as a parent,

you're never going to compromise on
the life of your children, really.

STEPH: The guys that
she's been with, I'm just like,

why were you with them?

She's a bit of a fixer,

and then she's fixing up these guys
that are just like...children.

And that's, I think, part of
the reason why she deserves to find

someone on her level, so she doesn't
have to be the fixer any more,

she can actually just enjoy
herself in a relationship.

Kids are off doing their own thing,
finding their own way in life,

having their own lives, which is
exactly as it should be.

And I sort of think, wow, it would
be nice just to have someone to

laugh with, dance round the kitchen
with, have a little banter with.

I don't want to be that
stereotypical Greek woman at home,

just cooking, just cleaning,
just ironing.

I'm such a passionate person,
which is

why it's so important for me to find
someone that's equally passionate.

What I need is mental stimulation,
emotional stimulation,

physical stimulation,
all that kind of stuff.

Oh, God, that sounded awful!

That was so bad!
I have nothing to say!

You know what I mean.
Yes, I know, I know.

I still believe... Can I have one of
your chips, by the way? Of course.

They look very nice. There you go.

Would you like me to feed it to you?
No, no...

We're not going to do that one, no?
Not going to do that one.

Aw, boring!

Are you not a romantic?

No, I just wanted a chip,
give me a break!

OK, OK, big question time - drum
roll - what are you looking for?

Oh, God! You don't hang around,
you're very direct. It's like, God!

Bit hard to read. It's kind of...

You're not the complimenting type.

Boy, oh, boy.

Listen, if you don't
say things as they are...

Erm...

When was the last time you had a
serious relationship? Never, really.

Like, I went out with folk in high
school and that, but nothing proper.

Certainly not since being an adult.

Do you believe in love
at first sight?

No.

Love's something that develops.

So I'm not really one for crushes,
I'd much rather get to know someone

and be a fan of their personality
rather than how they look.

I did date a guy when I was 16,
who did help me come out.

But that is genuinely the last time
I was in a relationship,

when I was 16 years old,
which I think is depressing.

The last date I went on,
we went round the Christmas

markets in Edinburgh, and it was
nice but there was just no chat.

I think we'd just run out of things
to talk about... Oh, shit.

You did say you were clumsy. You'd
better get that cleaned up, like.

I'm so embarrassed.
You should be.

Oh, my God.

I'm just going to
pop these on the end here.

I'm just going to pop to the loo.

How are you? Doing well, yeah! How's
it going? It's going well, yeah.

He's got some good chat.
You like him?

Yeah, I'm really enjoying myself.
He's really funny, so...

Very good, man. OK, well, enjoy.
See you later. Thank you.

TILES SQUEAK

What's going on here?

Thank you. Up the stairs.

Something a bit wet.
Be careful if you get up here.

He did tell me he was clumsy
at the start of the evening,

so he's just proving his point.

Oh!

Ahem.

Three, two, one.

Lovely.

Jesus Christ.

When you are told that you're
not good-looking,

it starts to stick
in the back of your head.

Ah!

Even if I look in the mirror and I
go, oh, I look quite nice today,

I've still got in the back
of my head all the people

thinking that I'm just ugly and fat.

I feel like everyone deserves love.

I'd love, looking back in 20 years'
time, got a family, a husband.

It's a lovely dream to have
and hopefully, I'll have it.

Do you pick up on signs?

Yes, I'm very spiritual like that.

And I'm very clairsentient as well.
What?

That sounds painful.

ANDREA'S LAUGHTER ECHOES

I'm hoping that she's not
getting tipsy too fast

and then she's just having
a good time because she's tipsy.

She is a bit of a lightweight.

I'm clairsentient. Are you?

I pick up on feelings,
situations, people.

Not in a whoo-whoo kind of way.

Well, time will tell.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Is that funny, aye?

You won't believe what |I've found.

What have you found?

Ta-da!

Now, what's this about?
This is how she impresses her dates.

OK.

Oh, my goodness,
it sits in the dimple! Wow.

And do you know how
he impresses his dates?

When there is a Maltesers in your
dimples, he goes and eats it.

You can try,
but it'll probably fall off.

I'm just going to go away.
Let's see if he can do it.

Right, I'm ready to run around.

Do you want to try and put it in?
OK...

HE SNIGGERS

Yes, I can try!

There you go.

Success!

I thought it went really,
really well. She's wonderful.

Are you smitten?
A little bit, actually.

Which sounds really lame to say it,
but, yeah.

And my mum likes her a lot as well.

I mean, the dimples are adorable, so
it's a good way to highlight them.

Thanks! But you've got a lovely
smile as well.

You've got dimples too.
Thank you, I know, yes.

Hey there. Hey!

How's it going? All right,
how are you? I'm good, thank you.

What's your plan for tomorrow,
if any?

Maybe look around Bath
a bit more before I go back.

Would you like
to see each other again?

Erm, ladies first. No.

I don't want to do that,
you can go first.

I thought you meant
you didn't want to see me again!

I thought, "Oh, my God,
that was fast.”

I just don't want to go first!

Erm, all right, yeah, I'll go first.

Yes, I absolutely
would like to see you again.

OK, cool, so would I. OK, good! Yes!

Whoo!

I'm very happy to get this. Are you
sure? I don't mind splitting it.

No, absolutely. You sure? Don't
worry about it. Thanks very much.

You're welcome. That's really sweet.

You're very friendly,
very funny as well.

And you're gorgeous, which helps.
Thanks!

You're chatty,
you're passionate about things

and you're also really handsome
and love tattoos and...yeah.

And we're like little dimple twins.
Yeah, we are!

We have to walk past your mum!
I know!

Who's that?

You all right? They look so happy!

Goodnight, guys. See you, thank you!

My mum would love to be
on a second date, but I would say,

you can wait at home,
like most mums do.

Yeah, and find out about
it afterwards.

Yeah, afterwards,
I can give you a debrief.

I'm concerned about our bottle
of wine.

Hmm.

That was 25 quid's worth.

You're such a Karen!

"Excuse me, Fred, where's the wine?"

"I want a top-up!”

Hiya. We were literally just saying
we're worried about the wine!

Someone slipped and fell into it.

I honestly had an absolutely
great date.

I really enjoyed myself,
I really did.

Ah!

Oh, oh!

Ha-ha, it happened!

You could have warned me
quicker than that.

Oh.

Would you like
to see each other again?

I'll let you go first.

Yeah, I'd definitely go for another
couple of pints.

So would I.

Yeah, I would.

Oh!

I can't believe how clumsy you are.
I thought I was bad.

You're not fake in the slightest,
you've been yourself

and I really appreciate that.

Watch the step, now!

Do you know what, I did actually
fall over that earlier.

I had a great time
and I really do like you.

I'll show you my bagpipes,
if you want me to.

Jesus!

Do you know what, Adam? I'd
love to see your bagpipes sometime.

I'm sure you would,
I'm sure you would!

I'm absolutely dying on a pint now.

After you. Lovely.

How's this date been for you? Good.

Do you get an initial
spark of interest?

In what?

Oh, God.

Are you a romantic type?
Are you...?

Are you trying to get the hint,
because I haven't been all over you?

No, no, I don't need you to be all
over me, no, no.

No, but are you just
suggesting...?

I don't know whether you like me,

I don't know whether you fancy me?

I'm, erm...

Boy, oh, boy, you are direct,
aren't you? Very direct.

We have a lot in common. She's got
a good personality, so I enjoyed it.

But I was also thinking,

would I really enjoy this
on a more regular basis?

Do you have a romantic streak
in you?

Streak? A romantic BONE?

Matron!

Ooh!

You're very much that
kind of character, yeah.

Kenneth Williams-ish.

If that's where the compliment's
stretching. Oh, my God, I'm dying.

The nearest we're
getting to a compliment,

that my mannerisms are like
Kenneth Williams.

That's not a good sign.
That's not a good compliment.

Would you like to see each other
again, romantically?

Ah... It's a no. Erm...

It's fine, it's a no.

It's OK, it's no.

Yeah, it's OK.

And it's a no from me. OK.

I'll get this, this is my treat.
Are you sure? Yes.

It's the least I can do for...
For insulting me!

Thank you very much,
I really appreciate it. My pleasure.

I couldn't read you at all.

Did you like me, did you...?

You did ask me that, actually.

I did, and you still didn't answer
the questions, really, did you?

It's quite basic. Yes, but maybe
I've been out the game

a little bit of time.

This is like death
by a thousand swords.

Have I slaughtered you totally yet?

Totally. There's nothing left,
there's nothing left. Totally.

This is a complete no now, then.

I don't particularly want someone
who is that direct,

because I'm not that great
with that. OK.

I'm sorry I didn't tell
you how wonderful you look. Aw!

That's OK. I'm a bit of a fridge at
the moment. Are you still filming?

Oh, my God. I'm dying here. I bet
you just can't wait to get home?

I'm dying, I'm dying here!
You just can't wait to get home.

Thank you. Have a nice life!
You too! Bye!

Bye, take care, bye!
See you, bye! Bye-bye.

SIGHING: Surreal.

# Please don't make
me fall in love again. #

That's amazing.

Something simple,
like a tuna-mayo sandwich.

Diet Coke, like I said earlier.
Mmm-hmm.

And then a packet of crisps or
something.

That is the most basic-bitch
meal deal ever.

I mean, I was immediately blown
away by your look,

you're beautiful,
your tattoos are...amazing.

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