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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:04,440 This programme contains strong language and sexual themes. 2 00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:16,480 Seamus? 3 00:00:17,400 --> 00:00:19,479 Frankie? 4 00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:21,520 Erm... 5 00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:26,999 Seamus? Who is she? 6 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:29,040 Frankie-I'm his cousin. 7 00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:31,639 - Your cousin? - Yeah. 8 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:33,759 Seamus had a wee fall and I was helping him. 9 00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:35,479 - Really? - Yeah. 10 00:00:35,480 --> 00:00:36,639 Right. 11 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:38,519 Such a klutz. 12 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:40,479 Oh, OK. 13 00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:43,039 Thank God, 'cause for a minute there I thought- 14 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:46,319 Oh, no, my God! That, that, that's ridiculous, it was just a fall! 15 00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:49,399 Oh, my God! Your cousin? Yes, his cousin. 16 00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:52,040 Anyway, surprise! 17 00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:54,559 So I'm only here for the night 18 00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:56,799 but I rented us a cottage in the countryside. 19 00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:59,200 - Wow! - Amazing! 20 00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:02,440 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck... 21 00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:05,360 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck... 22 00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:10,920 Fuck! 23 00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:14,519 OK! 24 00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:16,240 Fuck, fuck, fuck-Sorry! 25 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:24,399 Hello, here now. Sorry. 26 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:26,519 Hi. Guess what? 27 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:27,799 What? 28 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:29,359 Janet's coming with us. 29 00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:31,919 No. Like I keep on saying, it's very kind of you 30 00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:33,959 but I... I really don't want to impose. 31 00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:36,839 No, we do have to talk more about - Seamus' family. - Oh, that can wait. 32 00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:40,319 But we have so many questions. - It's not a good time. - Seamus, tell her she has to come with us. 33 00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:41,919 Well, er... Yeah, I can't. 34 00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:43,959 Just come with us! I really can't-No, no. 35 00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:46,359 Say yes, it'll be fun- I really can't. - to have an adventure. 36 00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:48,359 Look, it'll be too... Well, yeah... 37 00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:51,119 You're Seamus' family. You must! You must just for one night. 38 00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:52,879 I would love to-You have to! 39 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:54,320 It's a very firm no. 40 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:58,519 And there she was, right by the Cafe Nero. 41 00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:00,439 Wow, that's amazing. 42 00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:02,920 So how did you two work out you were related? 43 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:04,799 Er... 44 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,719 Well, it was, erm... 45 00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:10,800 It was you who first worked it out, wasn't it, Janet? 46 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:12,239 - Was it me, aye? - Yeah. 47 00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:14,480 So how did you work it out, Janet? 48 00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:17,639 Well, I thought he looked familiar. Yeah. 49 00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:20,799 Because you'd seen him on the telly? No. 50 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:22,879 Because he looked like my uncle. Oh, right. 51 00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:24,999 Yeah. I mean, exactly like my uncle. Exactly like him. 52 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:29,079 So I said to him, "Are you any relation to..." 53 00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:31,919 Anyway, we talked about your father, whose name was-Your father? 54 00:02:31,920 --> 00:02:35,199 Yeah, and as I said at the time, I never actually knew my father, so... 55 00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:37,719 It's tragic. Yes, that's right. 56 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:42,440 So what do you know about Seamus' dad? Because we've been looking - for him for years. - He's dead. 57 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,799 Oh... 58 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:46,640 Oh, darling... 59 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:50,319 I don't really know anything about him. He's dead that's all I know. He's dead. 60 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:51,600 I'm so sorry. 61 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,280 Oh, dear... 62 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:01,839 Jesus fucking Christ! I'm sorry. 63 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:03,799 Why did you have to tell her that you knew my father? 64 00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:05,039 Well, I had to tell her something. 65 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:07,519 How was I supposed to know you had such a complicated family history? 66 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:09,839 Why didn't you stop her from - dragging me here? - I'm sorry, OK? 67 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:12,280 I was frozen in terror. 68 00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:15,799 I can't handle this. It's too fucking stressful! 69 00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:18,920 Right, she's coming. Just be cool, be cool. OK, be cool. 70 00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:23,159 Right... 71 00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:26,239 Janet, I was thinking, do you think we could speak to some of your family 72 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,919 about any memories they might have of Seamus' father? 73 00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:32,879 Oh, baby, do we have to keep talking about this? 74 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:35,479 Darling, are you alright? You're talking funny. 75 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:37,439 I just, erm... 76 00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:41,839 I think I'm actually really nervous about this interview with the Foreign Secretary tomorrow. 77 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,999 Don't worry about that 'cause I've done some studying 78 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:45,959 on Nisha Anand and got quite a clear strategy for you. 79 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:46,999 Oh, yeah, what is it? 80 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:49,559 I mean, we don't want to bore Janet with this inside baseball bullshit. 81 00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:52,199 Oh, Janet doesn't mind. Do you, Janet? 82 00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:54,599 No. Oh, you're very sweet, Janet. 83 00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:58,480 Basically, you have to push on the Free Trade Agreement with China. 84 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:01,599 It's about leadership style, she has low ideology of her own. 85 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:03,719 I mean, if you think about it, she's changed her mind. 86 00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:05,879 I mean, she's done a complete - U-turn. - Exactly. 87 00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:09,760 - She's alienated herself. - Exactly, she's alienated herself. 88 00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:13,120 ♪ BLONDIE: Heart of Glass 89 00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:19,120 ♪ Seemed like the real thing, only to find 90 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:22,840 ♪ Mucho mistrust, love's gone behind... ♪ 91 00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:25,279 It's only half an hour away from the city 92 00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:28,640 and it's like you're in a different world. 93 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:30,679 Lovely. Yeah... 94 00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:32,080 Lovely. 95 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:37,320 Look how lovely and dinky it is? OK... 96 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:45,399 Ahh... 97 00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:47,999 It's perfect. I feel like we've travelled back in time. 98 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:52,240 Sweet. It's a kind of quaint idyll. Oh, God, Seamus! 99 00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:59,039 Just a sec. 100 00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,200 A cow, I think I can see a cow. 101 00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:04,239 There's a higher power at work here. 102 00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:05,839 This was meant to be. 103 00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:09,399 This is the universe pulling you back to Ireland to meet Janet. 104 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:12,479 Oh, before I forget. We have to put a photo up on Instagram. 105 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:14,279 Oh, really? Do we have to do that now? 106 00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:17,039 I promised the owner we would. Can't we just do it and get it over with 107 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:19,199 and then we can enjoy the rest - of our night? - Yeah. 108 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:23,719 My God, I'm so embarrassed doing this poseur bollocks in front of other people. 109 00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:26,159 I'm really sorry that you had to witness this, Janet. 110 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:28,199 Nah, it's fine. Do you want me to take it? 111 00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:30,759 Would you mind? It would make it all much quicker. OK, fab. 112 00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:33,000 Right. OK. 113 00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:35,919 OK... 114 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:37,919 OK, darling, so just tilt your chin. Yeah. 115 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:40,239 Then just turn it now. Uh-hm. 116 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:42,160 - Ready? - Yeah. 117 00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:47,840 OK, there you go. Yes, all done. 118 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:49,760 OK. Fab! 119 00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:53,719 Right, well, I... I'm pooped. - I think we should go to bed. - Yeah. 120 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,199 Oh, don't be such a bore. It's a beautiful night. 121 00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:58,760 Let's go out into the garden and get to know each other. 122 00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:06,120 I'm going to take the blankets, darling, see you at the firepit. 123 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:08,319 Gorgeous out here, isn't it? Hmm. 124 00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:10,719 So tell me everything, Janet. What do you do for a living? 125 00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:13,559 I work in a supermarket. Oh, that's great and are you married? 126 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:16,640 Er, no. My, my husband's... 127 00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:21,559 He's dead. 128 00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:23,519 Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. How did he die? 129 00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:25,119 Well, uh... 130 00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:28,399 Janet, I don't think- 131 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:30,440 Have you guys ever done wife-swapping? 132 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:32,959 No. 133 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:36,119 Well, Jimmy and me, we went to this - swingers party. - Yeah? 134 00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:39,399 And there was a big woman there who was like a dominatrix, you know? 135 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,799 And she took a real shine to Jimmy. 136 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:45,479 So he went off with her and I went off with her husband who was nice. 137 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:46,519 Yeah. 138 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:50,919 But I felt, like, uncomfortable... - so I went to look for Jimmy. - Right. 139 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:53,440 And, erm... - Oh! - Oh, God. 140 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:56,519 Do you know what pegging is? 141 00:06:56,520 --> 00:07:00,239 Yes! When you strap on a dildo and penetrate the man. 142 00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:02,759 When a woman fucks a man with a- Exactly, Frankie. 143 00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:06,119 Yes, OK, so she was pegging your husband? OK. 144 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:09,400 He had this big smile on his face. He looked so happy. 145 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:12,839 But he wasn't breathing. 146 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:17,799 It was like he was frozen in some sort of sexual ecstasy. 147 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:21,199 And then I realised what had - happened. - Oh? 148 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,000 She'd fucked him to death. 149 00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:37,159 You're a fucking monster. I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. 150 00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:39,959 You're a monster. That is hilarious. I actually almost believed you. 151 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,439 Frankie! I had you, come on now! 152 00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:45,879 You got me. You know, I do love that kind of comedy. Seamus hates anything like that. 153 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:49,200 But I think it's so important to ease tension. 154 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:52,639 You are obviously masking some genuine pain with that story though. 155 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:55,840 So what did happen with you and your husband? 156 00:07:58,320 --> 00:07:59,399 He left me for another woman. 157 00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:03,719 Right, you see? But you can laugh about it. Like Seamus' mum with the aborted abortion. 158 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:06,759 - The what? - Oh, you don't know the abortion story? 159 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:08,799 She... My family don't really talk about the past. 160 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:12,519 OK, so you know that Seamus' dad... Yeah, yeah. 161 00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:14,839 Was a Catholic and his mum was a Protestant. 162 00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:16,999 Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, of course. So, go on. 163 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:21,639 Well... when my mum was pregnant with me she was sent to London 164 00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:22,839 to have an abortion. 165 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:25,399 Obviously, didn't go through with it. 166 00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:29,679 Erm, she took everything she had, 167 00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:35,440 rented a bedsit in Walthamstow and raised me there alone. 168 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:38,839 She had such a hard life but she was able to laugh about it. 169 00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:44,760 You remind me of Seamus' mum. You have that same darkness. 170 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:46,320 I love it. 171 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:51,640 It's so powerful that ability to, you know, to go there. 172 00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:53,879 And over. 173 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:56,599 There we go. That's going to be - lovely. - Safe and neat. 174 00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:58,679 Sweet dreams, darling, nighty night. 175 00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:00,119 Ohhh... 176 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:03,439 See you tomorrow, cuz. 177 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,919 So here's a nightgown and a spare toothbrush for you. 178 00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:08,159 - She's always prepared. - Girl Scout. True. 179 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:10,119 12 years while you were dancing around pools. 180 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:13,240 Well, you know, re-tuning my G string. 181 00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:42,079 Argh, I forgot my pyjamas. 182 00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:43,880 Oh, sleep naked. 183 00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:50,999 I'm sorry, I can't. I can't, I'm sorry. 184 00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:53,439 I just keep thinking about my father. 185 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:56,840 Oh... Yeah, I'm sorry. 186 00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:03,279 Would it be really selfish if I... What? 187 00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:05,319 I'm just really horny. OK. 188 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:08,480 Do you mind if I...? No, not at all. 189 00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:10,959 ♪ JULIET TURNER: Toxic 190 00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:13,840 ♪ Baby, can't you see I'm calling... ♪ 191 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:18,960 ♪ Should wear a warning It's dangerous... ♪ 192 00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:28,200 ♪ There's no escape I can't wait ♪ 193 00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:33,760 ♪ Baby, give me it You're dangerous ♪ 194 00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:42,519 ♪ Too high Can't come down 195 00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:46,800 ♪ Losing my head Spinning 'round and 'round... ♪ 196 00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:51,959 I got 500 likes for my tweet about Michael Gove. 197 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,640 Mmmm. 198 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:24,760 Argh! C'mon... Fucking bastard motherfucker. 199 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:31,599 There's no phone signal. 200 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,439 Why do you need phone signal? 201 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:34,719 To get a taxi out of here. 202 00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:36,759 You can't do that. Frankie'll wonder where you've gone. 203 00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:37,999 I don't give a fuck about Frankie. 204 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:40,559 She'll get suspicious and think that something's happening. 205 00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:42,039 Er, nothing's happening. 206 00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:45,199 And I don't want to stay anywhere near her 'cause she thinks 207 00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:47,879 I'm just some stupid wee woman that works in a supermarket. 208 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:50,079 Oh, no, no, no. No, you're imagining that. 209 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:52,319 She's not a snob. That's the last thing she is. 210 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:54,640 I mean, she's good friends with Ken Loach. 211 00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:56,800 I don't... 212 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:01,479 If I stay here I'm gonna end up breaking her perfect FUCKING face. 213 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:03,239 Keep your voice down, we don't want her to wake up. 214 00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:05,680 Yeah, well, we wouldn't want to be - too loud, would we? - Ssh. 215 00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:10,239 - I heard you. - Heard what? 216 00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:12,479 I heard you having sex. We weren't, we weren't having sex. 217 00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:15,520 I heard you. The walls are thin, I heard everything. 218 00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:19,440 All right, we weren't having sex, she was masturbating. 219 00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:22,880 Huh? What were you doing? 220 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:24,039 Nothing. 221 00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:26,199 So she was just slapping away on her kebab and you-Sorry? 222 00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:30,039 What were you doing? Slapping away on her- Who calls it that? 223 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:32,359 Were you... Were you just, like, - watching her? - Oh, no. 224 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:34,079 So what were you doing 225 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:37,320 I was on Twitter. 226 00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:39,639 Sorry. 227 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:42,599 I was... 228 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:44,999 Oh, my God. Is she asleep? 229 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:49,199 Yeah, she always falls asleep after... slapping her kebab. 230 00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:52,000 She'll be out cold 'til morning. 231 00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:54,160 Please stay. 232 00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:57,880 I can't. 233 00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:05,200 Right, I need a phone signal. 234 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:13,480 Fuck it. 235 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,040 Wait, wait, Janet. 236 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:41,480 Look, Seamus, I'm gonna call off the affair. 237 00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:47,919 It's just, you know, now that I've met Frankie, it's all very real and... 238 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:49,759 Yeah. It's taken the joy out of it. 239 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:54,519 Yeah, it feels like... like the moment's gone, yeah. 240 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:58,999 Yeah... She's really nice, Frankie. 241 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:02,880 Oh, yeah, yeah, she is. Thanks. 242 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,599 I can see why you're with her. Yeah, she's great. 243 00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:08,839 Obviously, it's a nightmare for her putting up with you. 244 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:11,999 Yeah-Wait, what do you mean? 245 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:14,319 Well, you know, the way you're weird about sex, for example. 246 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:16,879 What?! I'm not weird about sex. Why would you say that? 247 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:18,839 Not having sex with her when she was masturbating? 248 00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:20,999 That was out of respect for you. 249 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:23,639 And, you know, we do that all the time. 250 00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:26,239 We probably masturbate more around each other 251 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:27,839 than we actually make love. 252 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:30,639 God, fuck, that is a bit weird, isn't it? 253 00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:34,159 It started as something kinda sexy and transgressive 254 00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:38,159 and we do it so much now it's just got a bit boring. 255 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:40,799 Anyway, it's a bit rich you telling me that I'm weird about sex. 256 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:45,039 That's two stories you've told about your ex-husband being killed by a dildo. 257 00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:47,279 It's the death that fucker deserves. 258 00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,359 I can't imagine what he was like, your husband. 259 00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:51,519 Do you like Game of Thrones? I think they film it round here. 260 00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:53,399 God, no, I hate Game of Thrones. 261 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,439 What? Why? 262 00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:56,639 Well, it's... 263 00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:58,039 It's full of naked women. 264 00:14:58,040 --> 00:14:59,159 You don't like naked women? 265 00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:00,559 No, no, I love naked women. 266 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:04,519 I just, not when it's like that, you know, exploitative and misogynistic. 267 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:05,559 So you've never seen it? 268 00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:09,519 God, no, why would I watch that? It's full of dragons and swords and vampires. 269 00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:10,999 There's no vampires in Game of Thrones. 270 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:14,919 And ghosts. I fucking hate ghosts. Ghosts are fucking stupid. 271 00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:16,959 Don't be saying that, they might hear you. 272 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,639 - Are you serious? - I've never been more serious about anything in my life. 273 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:21,719 You-Sorry, you believe in ghosts? Yes. 274 00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:24,159 Well, do you have proof? Have you seen one? 275 00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:27,799 No, not personally but, you know, - I know people who have. - Aha? 276 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:30,799 My friend saw the ghost of her uncle. He was killed in the Troubles. 277 00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:31,919 Oh, God, sorry, that's awful. 278 00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:33,999 Well, he appeared to her in a greengrocers and he says, 279 00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:37,799 "Dear hear, love, don't buy them there apples. They've got the wrong sell by date on them." 280 00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:42,199 Sorry, so the ghost of her uncle was advising her not to buy apples? 281 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:45,519 She says it was exactly the kind of thing he would have said - if he was alive. - Aha... 282 00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:49,759 And, you know, at first I thought she was just imagining it. Of course she was. 283 00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:53,759 No, but she went ahead and bought the apples and the very next day, guess what? 284 00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:56,559 What? 285 00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:57,599 They went off. 286 00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:00,159 Yeah, oh, yeah, see that, that doesn't prove anything. 287 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:03,560 That just proves that fruit is perishable. 288 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,319 All that stuff Frankie said about your mum? 289 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:13,679 Yeah? 290 00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:15,319 Does that mean you're actually a Protestant? 291 00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:19,319 Oh, my God, that's your takeaway from my tragic childhood story? 292 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:21,319 You're actually a Protestant. 293 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:25,999 No, stop it. No, I just mean Seamus O'Hannigan's a really Catholic name. 294 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,439 OK, so it's not actually - my real name. - Huh? 295 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:32,280 Erm, OK, so when I was a teenager 296 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:36,559 and I was trying to be a journalist, 297 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:40,239 I felt like it might connect me with my Irish roots. 298 00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:42,159 Also, there was a very famous journalist 299 00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:45,120 with the same name so I had to change it. 300 00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:47,840 So what's your real name? 301 00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:49,999 OK, you can't laugh. 302 00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,160 I promise, I won't laugh. What's your name? 303 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:55,080 John Snow. 304 00:16:58,480 --> 00:16:59,720 Unbelievable. 305 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:03,039 You said you wouldn't laugh! 306 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:06,439 I know but... You don't even like Game of Thrones- 307 00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:10,400 I know, that's another reason why I hate Game of Thrones. That fucking name! 308 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:16,840 Yeah. 309 00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:25,880 Phone's run out of battery. 310 00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:28,719 Just come back to the cottage. 311 00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:30,560 I can't. 312 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,159 We could see if there's an early train? 313 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:37,560 Uh-huh. 314 00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:53,200 Half five. Oh... 315 00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:56,480 Not that long to wait. 316 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:10,639 You don't need to stay here with me. 317 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:13,520 Well, I'm not gonna leave you here alone. 318 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:33,479 So you know when you came to look - for me earlier? - Yeah? 319 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:36,720 Did you expect something to happen? 320 00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:38,759 Like what? 321 00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:40,119 You mean sex? 322 00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:41,679 No need to say it like a fucking nun! 323 00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:43,079 What, sex? 324 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:47,439 Sorry, I'm just, I'm surprised. I thought you called the affair off. 325 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:49,720 I did. It is off. It is off. 326 00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:56,039 Then why are we talking about sex? 327 00:18:56,040 --> 00:19:01,279 Oh, I was just curious, don't know what you were thinking. So... 328 00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:02,680 Well... 329 00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:08,560 I did like our kiss earlier... on the street. 330 00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:12,240 Mmm. Me too. 331 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:16,559 Can I kiss you again? 332 00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:20,079 I think a kiss would be OK. A kiss would be fine, yeah. 333 00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:22,519 It would just be like a continuation of the previous kiss. 334 00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:24,399 That's true because we were interrupted. 335 00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:27,999 Exactly, it would be like just finishing the kiss. 336 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,360 Yeah... it's... That's... yeah... 337 00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:01,479 Oh, you fucking dickhead! 338 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:02,959 What? Why did you call me a dickhead? 339 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:04,039 You're a dickhead. 340 00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:06,959 You're a fucking dickhead because you've got a woman like Frankie 341 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:08,799 and you're trying to fuck a loser like me. 342 00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:10,959 Loser? 343 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,999 Woah, woah, woah, wait, wait, wait, listen, listen, listen. 344 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,279 Listen, listen, listen! 345 00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:20,759 When I first met you, you were ready to blow your own - head off with a shotgun. - Fuck sake. 346 00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:21,799 No, no, no... 347 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:25,719 And I didn't think, "Oh, look at that loser, no wonder she wants to kill herself." 348 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:28,679 After one night with you, I couldn't stop thinking about you. 349 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:33,039 I couldn't stop wondering why this, why this brilliant, beautiful, 350 00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:37,799 hilarious, exceptional woman would want to destroy herself. 351 00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:42,199 This woman who, you know, when I'm with her I feel like I can breathe again. 352 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:46,519 Yeah? Well, you didn't save my life, OK? 353 00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:49,119 You're not my fucking saviour. And I can get on fine without you. 354 00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:52,199 Yes, I know that. I'm not here out of fucking pity! 355 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:55,719 And even though you're completely exasperating to be around, 356 00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:57,679 I still choose to be here. 357 00:20:57,680 --> 00:21:02,519 In fact, I'm calling off the calling off of the affair. 358 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:05,719 I'm back in Belfast next week and she won't be around 359 00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:08,399 and we'll meet again then and I insist that we have sex. 360 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:11,480 In fact, I won't take no for an answer. 361 00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:16,519 I mean, obviously, I will take no for an answer. 362 00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:20,960 I completely understand and respect the principle of consent. 363 00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:24,880 But, you know, well, I've made my point. 364 00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:30,519 Well, if we're gonna have the affair... 365 00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:32,960 then we may as well just go back to the cottage then. 366 00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:35,080 OK. 367 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:41,359 I think the problem is neither of us have had an affair before. 368 00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:42,799 Why is that a problem? 369 00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:44,959 Well, we don't know the rules. 370 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,479 Are there rules to an affair? 371 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:50,760 There has to be rules. People can't just go about doing whatever they want. 372 00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:54,759 But surely that's the point of an affair? To break the rules? 373 00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:58,719 Yeah, but I think if we have rules then we wouldn't feel as bad. 374 00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:00,560 OK. 375 00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:04,280 Oh, good, she's not up yet. 376 00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:11,120 OK? Yeah, thanks. 377 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:15,239 So, rule one... 378 00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:16,279 We can't fall in love. 379 00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:17,799 Yep. 'Cause I don't have time for that. 380 00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:20,759 Do you think I've got time for it? With everything I've got going on right now? 381 00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:23,199 So no romance, no emotional - attachments. - No, none. 382 00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:26,359 And that way I don't get hurt. And you don't get hurt. And she doesn't get hurt. 383 00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:29,039 I hate seeing people getting hurt. I can't even watch You've Been Framed. 384 00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:30,199 You watch You've Been Framed? 385 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:32,919 No, that's what I said. I said I don't watch it. 386 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:35,999 - I don't. - OK, rule two. You're only in Belfast for one night a week? 387 00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:37,279 Yeah, for the next five weeks. 388 00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:41,159 So the affair can only take place - in Belfast. - That's a great rule. 389 00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:44,319 That, that way it only happens in this one place and then 390 00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:46,599 we know it's an affair and not a relationship. 391 00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:49,239 And then after the five weeks we just, we will just call it quits. 392 00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:52,080 Brilliant. I love a time limit. Brilliant. 393 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:55,559 Rule number three, 394 00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:58,759 if Frankie gets the slightest bit suspicious, we have to call it off. Yeah. 395 00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:00,279 Because I don't want the drama. Me neither. 396 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:02,079 I don't want to be the other woman. 397 00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:04,959 I don't my face in the papers, especially beside hers. 398 00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:07,159 The papers aren't really a thing anymore, but I get your point. 399 00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:10,479 What do you mean papers aren't - really a thing? - Because the whole industry's moved online. 400 00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:13,159 Mm, people still buy papers. Not in the numbers they used to. 401 00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:15,279 I buy papers. OK, that may be true 402 00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:18,119 but they still only appeal to a very limited demographic. 403 00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:20,279 Look, I know what I'm talking about, I work in the media- 404 00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:21,679 I know what I'm talking about, 405 00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:24,599 I work in a supermarket and I see people buying papers every day. 406 00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:26,599 I think we're getting side-tracked here. 407 00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:28,559 - Rule number four. - How many rules are there going to be? 408 00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:29,919 This is going to be the last one. Good. 409 00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:32,319 But it's the most important one. 410 00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:34,160 What is it? 411 00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:38,000 You can never leave her... for me. 412 00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:42,000 Why is that the most important rule? 413 00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:46,080 It's 'cause I won't make you happy. 414 00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:55,240 So, they're the rules. 415 00:23:57,160 --> 00:23:59,319 Agreed? Agreed. 416 00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:01,999 What are you doing? Shaking hands, it's an agreement. 417 00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:03,479 God, you're so fucking English. 418 00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:05,920 - I'm bloody Irish! - Sshh. Sorry. 419 00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:49,759 You're freezing. Have you been outside? 420 00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:51,720 Er, no. 421 00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:54,880 I love you. 422 00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:58,680 ♪ PERFUME GENIUS: Can't Help Falling In Love 423 00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:09,600 ♪ Wise men say, only fools rush in 424 00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:25,040 ♪ But I can't help falling in love with you 425 00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:40,440 ♪ Shall I stay Would it be a sin 426 00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:56,040 ♪ If I can't help falling in love with you ♪ 427 00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:01,680 AccessibleCustomerService@sky.uk 34580

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