All language subtitles for Self.Reliance.2024.1080p.Hulu.WEB-DL.DDP.5.1.H.264-DreamHD

♪ When your day ♪

♪ Seems dark as night ♪

♪ And nothing ♪

♪ Is going right ♪

♪ You want a love ♪

♪ That's strong and brave ♪

♪ And I'll be with you ♪

♪ Every step of the way ♪

♪ 'Cause oh ♪

♪ If you're blue ♪

♪ And all alone ♪

♪ And all your so-called ♪

♪ Your so-called ♪

♪ Friends are gone ♪

♪ But I'll stick by you ♪

♪ Pretty baby ♪

♪ Night or day ♪

♪ Every step of the way ♪

♪ 'Cause, oh ♪

♪ Don't worry ♪

♪ Don't worry ♪

♪ 'Cause I'll be there ♪
- Fucking chickenshit.

♪ I'll be there ♪

♪ In a hurry ♪
- All right, fuck it.

♪ Yes ♪

♪ Lift your head up high ♪

- Fucking knock on
the fucking door.

♪ And girl don't you cry ♪

♪ 'Cause I love you ♪

♪ I love you ♪

- Un-fucking-believable.

♪ No, no need to cry ♪

♪ No need to sigh ♪

♪ Can't you see, girl ♪

♪ I offer you my life ♪

- Hi.

- Hi.

- This is you, right?

- Yeah. That's me.

Are you the actor Andy Samberg?

- I am.

You are? ANDY SAMBERG: Yeah.

Are you kidding?

I'm a big fan, man.
Like, a big fan.

- Oh, thank you very much.
Hey, I got a question for you.

Do you like limos?

- Do I like limos? Sure. Yeah.

- Who doesn't, right?

- Right.
- Yeah.

You wanna get in?

- Uh...

Sure.
- Yeah? Come on.

Congrats. You've been selected.

- Thanks. For what?

- Um, I don't know.

So, um, you know what?

I'm not memorized, so I'm just
gonna read this off the card.

- Are you talking to me or...?
- Per the contract.

Huh? No, sorry, you're good.

Don't worry. Yeah.
- Okay.

- Uh, Thomas Walcott.

Single, no children,
no dependents.

Job is network management,
focusing on statistical analysis.

Physically fit.

Enough.

- I guess they're not too
strict about that one.

I'm joking. Kind
of serious though.

All right. I'll
keep it going here.

I'm sorry. I'll keep it
going. I'ma keep it tight.

Uh, after your
breakup... I'm sorry.

- You moved back in
with your mother.

- Yeah, I'm sorry, Andy Samberg.
How do you know all this?

- Oh, the company that hired me,

I think they've been
tracking you for a while.

- There's a company
that's been tracking me?

- I guess what I would
say is, don't ask me

any specific questions
because they told me nothing.

I, I don't know any
details about what it is.

But I do need to ask you, do you
want to continue on this adventure?

- Um...

Fuck it. Yes.

- Really?
- Really, yeah. Definitely.

- Why would you say yes?

- 'Cause this is the most exciting
thing that's happened to me in ages.

- And I don't want it to end.
- Okay.

- I mean, if I say, if I say no,
then I have to go back to my life.

And my life is in this, like,
routine. It's, like, I'm stuck.

So saying yes has to be
better than that, right?

- I mean, no, not necessarily.

But, man, the way you
just phrased that. So sad.

Um... All right, let's go.

- How long until we get to, uh,
the next part of the adventure?

You're not supposed to talk.

- How come?

- I think they're just,
they wanna use all of this.

Build up the tension.

- Okay. You see that red
door? Walk through it.

There will be small red arrows
on the ground and walls.

Just follow those.

- You're not coming?
- No, no, I'm done.

Yeah, they just paid me
to get you here. So...

Well, it was really
awesome to meet you.

- Yeah.

- Maybe we could get a
beer... Good luck, man.

- Yeah. Thank you.
- Yeah.

Come sit.

Please.

- Okay.

Congratulations.

You have been
selected to partake

in the biggest reality
show in the dark web.

There will be people
trying to kill you.

The hunters.

What are you talking about?

There's people
trying to murder me?

- Very much so.

- Each participant selected
will have 30 days to... survive.

If they survive 30 days,

they will receive one
million dollars, cash.

The hunters will be all
around the world, Mr. Walcott,

and, uh, might not
make it to your city.

So you will be safe
until they find you.

- You might spend the next 30
days and never encounter anyone,

but you still make
the million dollars.

We will be filming
you the entire time.

How?

- Production assistants have
already bugged your residence

as well as places
we expect you to go.

They will travel as you
do. You will not see them.

- They are highly
skilled at evasion.

- So they're kind of, like, uh,
like, production assistant ninjas?

- No, they are not
trained ninjas.

- I didn't say trained
ninjas, I said like ninjas.

- But if it helps you to say
yes, to think of them as ninjas,

we are fine with that.

- Excuse me. I need to
stand up for a moment.

- Yeah, please.
- Thank you.

- What are you thinking?

I mean, what can I do
to help you say yes?

- Ah, ah, nothing. I, I, I
don't think I can do this.

- Oh, you can. You should.

Well, come sit down, yeah.
You can always say no.

So, just come sit
for a minute. Yeah?

It's very interesting, guys.

I just, I don't think that I can do
this. I can't risk other people's lives.

I can't, I can't have my
roommate catching a bullet

'cause I'm playing
some silly game.

- Your mother will be safe.

- How, how do you... How
can you guarantee that?

- You will only be killed
when you are alone.

- What does that mean, I'll
only be killed when I'm alone?

- If you are with someone else,
the hunters will have to wait.

There is no risk to anyone else.

- Uh, but once alone,
you are no longer safe.

- So that's a loophole.

- Well, this is no
loophole. It's just a rule.

- Well, it's kind of a loophole.

What if I was with, like, my mom or
my sisters every second of every day?

- You would need to
spend every moment

with them in close proximity.
It's not as easy as it sounds.

- Yeah. If the person
you're with walks

to the other side of the room,
you are vulnerable for attack.

- You must be within
striking distance from them

each and every second.

- So let me get this
straight. It's 30 days, right?

And you guys are
hunting me for my life.

But you cannot touch
me if I'm with someone,

and the hunters might not
even ever make it to my city.

So there's a chance I
spend the entire 30 days

and no one even finds me.

And then I get a million
dollars. That's the game?

- Yes.
- Are you interested?

Let's play.

- I just wanna make sure that
I'm clear on what you're saying.

What you called us all here
on a Saturday to say, which is

that Andy Samberg pulled
up to you driving a limo?

- No, I, I'm not saying that.
- Okay. What are you saying?

- He had a chauffeur.

- I'd hope so.
- Oh, I'm sorry. I botched that detail.

- Oh, you're damn right
he'd have a driver.

The Sams ain't driving himself.

- Don't call him The
Sams. He goes by Andy.

- What are you, his publicist?
- Yeah, you're his best friend now?

No, but he, no, I didn't
call him The Sams.

He didn't introduce himself.
- I call him The Sams.

You've never met him.

- Andy Samberg...
- Yeah.

- Is like, "Hey Tommy, get
in, get in the backseat."

I'm just trying to get it right.

- I didn't, okay, this
is getting turned around.

I'm done talking about
Andy fucking Samberg.

If the hunters find me,

you need to be with me
24/7 so I don't die.

- Oh, hey, but, like, aren't
there other people playing

the pretend-y game who
could hang out with you?

- I posted a cryptic
message on, uh, Craigslist.

I'm waiting to hear back,
but I can't depend on it.

So in the meantime, I need
to lean on the family.

- Okay. Tommy, you
are delusional.

- I am not delusional.

- What about when you
told everybody at school

that you were moving to Japan

to become a Samurai with Dad
after he left? How about that?

- Great idea. Bringing up when
Dad left, right in front of Mom.

Okay, what about the
time that you made us all

call you Michael
Jackson for a year?

- Okay, you know what, guys?
- 'Cause I liked his music.

- No, you know what, guys? Stop. Stop.
- I was a fan.

- There's a big difference
between liking...

- What is the difference?

- Stop, stop. Just a minute, okay?
Okay. Just hang on just a minute.

Honey, do you think that
all this, Andy Samberg,

Greenlandic ninjas, the
Internet killing show

is really, really
more about the fact

that Theresa broke up with
you and now she has a baby?

So you created this all
as a, as a diversion

so that you wouldn't have
to feel the emotional pain

of that, of that loss. I
mean, is that a possibility?

- Well, first of all,

thanks for bringing up my
breakup in this moment.

It feels like a great time
for a mother to do that.

Um, and second, um,

if you're implying, lemme just
try to do the math on this,

that the producers of this game

implanted my ex-girlfriend,

who I haven't talked
to in nearly two years,

uh, with a baby.

She grew the baby and
had it in order to get me

to risk my life for
a million dollars?

Right, but if all that
happened, then possibly.

But to me that seems a
little wacky. Are you okay?

- I'm done.
- Are you okay?

- I'm done with this, Tommy.
- 'Cause I'm worried about you.

- Tommy.
- What?

- You're lonely, so
find a club, you know.

- Yeah. That's not
what this is about.

- Do a hobby or something.
- Yeah, I understand.

- Just, this is sad.
- Yeah, thanks.

And this is all in
your head. Get over it.

Don't leave that ice cream,
cause I'll eat it all.

- Great. AMY: Bye, Mom.
I'll see you Thursday.

Is, is it Thursday? I
thought it was Friday.

- No, it's Thursday.
- Bye, Tommy!

I hope the ninjas
don't kill you.

- Mom. You believe me, right?

- Not even a little.

- Hello?

Hello?

Tommy, what?

- Someone found me.

Oh, good. Well, now
that they found you,

maybe you can move in with them.

It was a production assistant. It
was one of the ninjas with a camera.

- Oh, God. This crap, again?

- Mom, I'm holding a tiny
camera in my hands right now.

- A tiny... What are you
holding a tiny camera for?

- It's either that or a piece
of rat shit. I'm not sure.

But... Or, like, a, a
weird little blueberry.

Either way, do you understand
what I'm saying, Mom?

- Yeah, I know
what you're saying.

You're holding a piece
of... tiny piece of rat shit

and you're... Hi.

And you are, and you're
pretending that it's a camera.

Put it down. Wash your
hands. It's full of diseases.

Okay, you're not listening
to what I'm saying.

I need to come
see you right now.

I need to come to the
hospital. I can't be alone.

- Oh, no, no, no.
- Mom, do you want me killed?

You know what, at this point,

I think that, that I
would prefer Sandy Amberg

to murder you on a computer show

than have you come down
here and get me fired.

- His name is Andy Samberg.

- I don't care what his
name... Call your sister.

Oh, God.

Dude, I heard
something, like, bang.

It spooked me, man. Like, I
know they're on to me now.

I left the back door closed.

- I mean, I get it. Your mom's
at work. It's after midnight.

You can't just run over there.

- Well, this... Yeah,
either way, man.

I appreciate it. I, I didn't
know what I was gonna do.

I can't be alone.

- Yeah, no, your sister
doesn't get home until two.

So you're more than welcome to
crash here with us on the couch.

You'll be good.

- Yeah, and then what time do you wanna
hop in there and go to bed together?

- Huh?

- At what point you wanna... If
we hang out here, we'll watch...

I'm beat now. I'm ready for bed. I'll
keep watching the movie with you,

but I don't, I don't care.
I mean, I'm zonked, bro.

- You wanna sleep
in the bed with me?

- No.

Good, man. 'Cause
for a second there,

I was a little confused
of what you were asking.

- I have to for my safety.

What?

- I have to sleep in bed
with you so that I don't die.

These are the rules, my man.

- Look, bro, I don't want you to die. I
want you to be safe. You're my brother.

I love you.
- I love you.

- But we not sleeping
in the same bed.

- Yes, we are.
- No, we're not.

- Yes, we are.

- No, we are not.
- Yes, we are.

- We are not.
- Yes, we are.

- No.
- Yes.

Well, goodnight, man.
- Shut the fuck up.

- Oh, shit. No, no, no, no.

Oh, no. Malcolm! Malcolm!

- I'm in the bathroom.
- Ah, ah. Oh, God.

What's going on?

I am in the bathroom taking
a shit. What's happening?

- What are you doing?
- What are you doing, man?

Why'd you leave my side?
- I had to take a shit.

- Why didn't you wake me
up and bring me with you?

- Because I'm taking a shit.

- I can't be alone.

I'm not gonna wake you up to bring
you in here to take a shit with me.

- He's right here. He's taking
a dump. He's taking a dump.

Put the rifle down. No, no,
no. Get up, get up, get up.

- Do not pull me off...
- Turn around.

Turn the fuck around.
- What are you doing?

- He's right here.
- What the? God.

Man, there's nobody out there.

Well...

They found me.

They found you, alright.

Get out.
- Huh?

Get out!

- What you are doing is irresponsible.
You are not thinking clearly, man.

- Oh, yes, I am.

- No, you're not.
- And when Amy comes home,

I'll explain to her that you
kicked in our bathroom door...

- I was being hunted.
- And pulled me off the toilet.

- I can't be alone.
I've told you that.

I can't be alone.
- I had to go to the bathroom.

- I'm sorry.
- What was I supposed to do?

Wake you up so I can have
another man watch me dump?

No, that's gross.

- I know it's gross.
I didn't wanna do it.

I don't have a choice.
I can't be alone, man.

Fuck.

- Hey, you see that guy?

- Who, him?

Yeah, him. Do you see him?
- Yeah, I see him.

Just watch me
until I get to him.

Please do not leave until
I'm with that man, okay?

You sure?

- Yes, I'm sure. You promise
you'll keep watching?

- I promise I'll watch you.

- I'm sorry I pulled you off a
toilet while you were taking a dump.

- It's all right.
I'll forgive you.

We family.

- Excuse me, sir.

Hi. Uh, are, are you interested
in making some money?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, how much?

- This is so weird. Very weird.

You have no idea, man.
You're saving my life.

- Now well, how could that be?
- Because I can't be alone,

'cause I'm playing
this dark web game.

And so the whole thing
about it is if I'm alone

even for a second,
I can be killed.

But if I'm with you, I'm safe.

So you'll just shadow
me and then I'm safe.

What the fuck is this?

- I'm gonna need you to be
a little bit more specific.

- You need me to
be more specific?

How about the stranger who's
eating Mom's Raisin Bran.

Is that specific
enough for you, Tommy?

- Amy, you don't have
to... don't be rude, honey.

- Mom.
- Don't.

- You called me to come over here,
so please don't be soft now, okay?

Malcolm told me that you pulled
him off the toilet last night

when he was in the middle
of using the bathroom.

- Well, I asked him to
stand. He wouldn't stand.

I'm sorry I revealed his bare
bottom. That was not my intention.

And this is James,
my new friend.

- Hi, James.

- Hi, Tommy's family.

- Oh, we are very
happy to have you.

- Mm. I'm very happy to be
here. I slept great last night.

- Me too, man.

Good.

- James, would you mind just
stepping outside, please,

for a minute, so I can
talk to my son now.

- Oh, I can't do that.
He pays me to shadow him.

It's my job.

Oh, wow. That is amazing.

- Shadow?
- Good work.

- Thank you for taking my
unique situation seriously.

It genuinely means
the world to me.

'Cause I'm kind
of in a tough spot

and you're the only one
who's kind of helping.

So thank you. But
you can step outside.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

Okay.

- Don't go far.
- I won't.

- What in the actual fuck
is going on with you?

-There was a cowboy
who had a rifle...

- A cowboy? A cowboy.
- On me last night.

And he was going to
shoot me and kill me.

I cannot be alone, you guys.

I thought you were
gonna be more supportive

or I never would've signed
up for this fucking game.

- Oh, that's not fair.
- Supportive.

- I support this.

- So, yes, I hired a person
without a home to shadow me.

Why?
- 'Cause you're a weirdo.

- Because I don't wanna die.

- You cannot have this person
sleeping in Mom's house.

We don't know him.
It's not safe.

Then how about this.
Are you gonna shadow me?

- No.

Are you gonna shadow me?

- No, I'm not gonna shadow.

Are you gonna shadow me?

- I don't wanna take
away James's job.

- So what choice do I have here?

- Okay, well, Mom...
Mom, kick him out.

He's an adult. He has
money. He's got a job.

- Mom, we had a deal.
- Kick him out.

- You said, as long as I had
a job, I could stay with you.

I have a job.

- Mom.
- Mom.

- No.
- Mom.

- Mom.

- I, yeah, yeah, I did.
No, I did say that.

I remember saying that. But that,
now, now this, this whole thing

about picking people up
off of the toilet bowls.

Honey, that's, I mean, come on.

That, I mean, no more of that. Okay?
All right, that's fair I think.

- As long as I got him,

I don't have to pull anybody
off a toilet bowl, right?

That's why I have him.

But that's over. That's a deal.

- Yeah, very tough,
Mom. Well done.

Whoa.

- This is gonna end
badly. I guarantee it.

Where's your best friend?

I don't know.

I tried calling him,
hopefully he's on his way.

Long and short of it is
I gotta crash with you

a couple of days.
- Well, you can't.

- Yes, I can.

- No, you can't.
- I actually have to.

Mom kicked me out.
- Wow, 'cause you got fired?

- Yes, I had to deal with...

Holy shit.

Oh my God. Is that
the Craigslist post?

It's also happening
to me. Shall we chat?

- This is exactly what I want.
- Honestly, get your hands off.

- Can you just forward it to me?

- Stay here. Don't go away.
- Just forward it to me.

- Sorry, it's really
loud. Gimme one sec.

This is the, uh, the
guy from Craigslist.

Oh, hi. Yeah.

I'm, um, I, I saw your
ad. I'm a participant.

- How, how do I
know you're real?

How do I know you're real?

- Yeah, but this could be a
setup. You could be hunting me.

- You could be hunting me.
- Okay, so let's meet.

You wanna meet in public
somewhere so it's safe?

How's that? MADDY:
Okay, sure. When?

Uh, now.

No, it's the middle of the
night. I could do tomorrow.

- Okay, you know where
La Cita is downtown?

No, but I can figure it out.

- Great, let's meet there
tomorrow at, uh, at 10:00 AM.

Can you do that?

Okay. Uh, how are you
gonna recognize me?

- You got anything yellow?
Like, a yellow hat?

I've got a banana sweatshirt.

- What's a banana sweatshirt?

It's a sweatshirt with
a giant banana on it.

- Okay. Wear the
banana sweatshirt.

Okay, are you gonna
be wearing yellow?

- No, it would be ridiculous if we were
both wearing yellow clothes, right?

That's a good point.
I'll see you tomorrow.

- Yeah, great. This is good.

- Oh shit!

Stop.

Oh, God. Oh.

I'm not, I'm not alone.
- You're alone.

- I'm not! James is coming.
He's on his way right now.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

- Help! Fucking
help! Help! Help!

SOS! Hey, did you
not hear me, man?

- No, what happened?
- What the fuck you doing standing here?

- I'm here.

- I was just choked by a giant.
He was trying to kill me.

He, he was wearing a, a red
leather jacket with the...

He was wearing a fucking
Michael Jackson jacket.

He was wearing the
fucking "Thriller" jacket.

- You got choked by a giant
dressed like Michael Jackson.

- He had the zippers.

He had the Michael Jackson
"Thriller," uh, video zippers.

- Sorry, that's the jacket from...
That's not the "Thriller" jacket.

- What?
- The "Thriller" jacket?

The one, the... Was it
a zippers jacket, right?

- Yeah.
- That, that's from, uh, "Beat It."

The, the "Thriller" jacket,
it's... they're similar jackets.

- Tommy!
- I'm sorry.

- Tommy. I'm here.
I'm sorry, man.

- Oh, man. JAMES:
I'm sorry, man.

- Where the fuck were you, man?
- I was waiting for your call.

- I fucking called
you ten times.

- My phone never
rang. Maybe it's dead.

- Okay, let's just go, man.

Tell my sister I was
almost murdered. Okay?

- I'm gonna give
her a full report.

- Thanks but hang on. We gotta get
that thing a charger, and we're...

It's pretty fucking annoying,
but also really cool

how much you know about
Michael Jackson, man.

I, I loved his music
when I was a kid.

- Thanks. Me too.

All right. Is your phone
100 percent charged?

- Yes, sir. It is.
- Okay, let's do this.

I think that's her. JAMES: She
doesn't look that scary to me.

Well, you never know.
Stay with me, okay?

Okay, I got your back.
Don't worry about it.

- Hi, are you, uh, are you
the lady from, uh, Craigslist?

Yeah. TOM: You are?

- Why aren't you wearing
the, uh, banana sweatshirt

like you said?
- Oh, I got self-conscious.

- About what?

- It's a sweatshirt with
a giant banana on it.

But this is yellow,
so I wore this.

Do you guys wanna sit?

- Yeah. Let's sit down.
- Yeah, please.

- Great.
- Uh...

- Would you mind sitting there, James?
- I don't mind.

- Oh, thanks for meeting.
- Yeah, sure.

- It's nice, uh, to
meet you. I'm Tom.

Maddy. TOM: Maddy?

Yeah. TOM: Yeah.

- How many days you got left?
- Fifteen.

You?
- Sixteen.

I got a question for ya.

If you're playing the game, then how
the fuck are you alone right now?

- I'm not alone.

- Well, we don't count. We just got
here. You were alone before we got here.

- Yeah, my Mom's right over there.
- Okay, well, that's my Dad right there.

- Mom?
- Yeah, oh, yeah?

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Just checking in.
- Oh, sure. Hi.

Anything else I need to prove?
- Let's cut the shit.

- You're not with them, right?
You're not gonna murder me?

- Are you actually asking me that?
- I really am. Yes.

- Well, if I was gonna murder you, I
wouldn't tell you. I'd just murder you.

- Right, but I don't think you're
gonna. But just say it so I can hear it.

You're not gonna... No,
I'm not gonna murder you.

Are you gonna murder me?

- No, I wanna be on
the same team as you.

- Great.

So that's settled.

- This feels good, right?

- Mm-hmm.
- Right?

- Mm-hmm.
- You think what I'm thinking?

- Mm-hmm.
- I hope so.

You know what I think we should
do? I think we should partner up.

- What does that
mean, partner up?

I mean, spend all of
our time together.

They can't kill us if we're
together, right? The loophole.

- You wanna spend all our time together
after knowing me for five minutes?

- Come on, let's just do this. Let's
team up. Let's fucking win together.

Right.

I, I don't know if I'm ready to
say okay to the full 15 days.

- I couldn't understand
a word you said, buddy.

- I said, "Go for
what you can get."

- Would you be willing to
commit for the rest of today?

Wow, look at this.

Beautiful house.
- Wow.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

Is it just you and, uh,
your parents here then?

- Uh, well, it's, it's just
me and my Mom. My dad died.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
- No, it was a long time ago.

He was in a car accident.
- Oof.

- It was a drunk driver.
He was a drunk driver.

He was a veteran though. So his
funeral was really beautiful.

He was kind of this, like,
beloved figure in the community.

Um, I don't know why
I'm saying all that.

- It's a lot of info.

- You guys wanna
see something weird?

- Uh, yeah, sure.
- Sure, yeah.

Oh, wow.

- What is this?

- Yeah, it started as a hobby.

I've always liked
making just, like,

weird little sculptures,
ceramics, that kind of thing.

But Etsy's a wild
place. You know?

The, uh, the custom, like, dog
things for people's pets and stuff?

It kind of sells like hot cakes.

- Did you hear that?

- It's an old house, so.
- Right.

- Has that door
always been like that?

I don't know, I don't mark it.

- Do you mind, uh,
if I check it out?

- Yeah.

- Do you mind coming with?
- Yeah, of course.

- Do you wanna hold hands?
- Yeah, sure.

- Nothing, right?
- Yep.

Just, um, Christmas decorations and
a couple embarrassing old journals,

I'm guessing. That
kind of thing.

- And a camera.

- No.
- Yeah.

The ninjas have been here.
- Holy shit.

Little fucking snakes.

Well, I've never been married,

but I never wanted to.
I just like my freedom.

Well, I've had a lot of love
affairs, but then, um, who hasn't?

I'm sorry, ma'am. What
was your question?

- I didn't ask one.

- Oh.
- I was married once, James.

I regret it. Should
have stayed single.

My ex was a pain in the ass.
- Oh, boy. I'll say so.

- I was never married, but I did date
a woman for a long time. For 23 years.

- Did you say 23?
- Yeah.

- Of dating?
- Yes.

We felt married. We just never
did the paperwork. But...

- Well, what happened?
Why did it end?

- Uh...
- He doesn't know.

- Oh, thank you, James.

- We got together when we
were young. We were, like, 15.

I thought we were gonna
be together forever.

And then, um, I don't know,
I guess we grew apart.

One day I came home and
she said that was it.

And so, uh, so I left.

- And then what?

- He hasn't talked to the
girl since she dumped him.

- What?
- Shut up, James, please.

I've gone to her house
a lot to ask her.

I just, I don't even
know what I would say.

- So you just broke...
You just don't know why

she broke up with you?
- I don't.

- Don't you wanna know?
- I would love to know.

- Is it killing you?
- It's killing me.

- Well, this is what
we're doing today.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.
I can't do that today.

- Oh, no. We need to find out.
If we're gonna be partners,

I need to know what I'm dealing with.
- I don't think you need to know.

- Do you wanna be
my partner or not?

- Uh, this is delicious.
So what do you call it?

- Spaghetti.

- Hi, Tommy.
- Hey, Theresa. How are ya?

- Seen you out here a few times.

- How's, uh, how's your baby?

- She is good. Her name is
Heather. She's almost one.

Are you just here to
ask about the baby?

- I actually wanted
to ask you, um...

how you felt about the, uh,
Ellen DeGeneres cancellation.

I know what a big fan
you were of her show.

- Yes, I was very disappointed,
as you can imagine.

- I've been dying to ask you.

- I mean, all the red flags were
there. I should have known, but...

Really fucked with my
afternoon schedules.

What do you want?

- A friend encouraged me to come here
and ask you why you broke up with me.

- You know why I broke up with you.
- I don't. Just tell me.

- Yes, you do.
- No, I don't.

- We talked about it so
many times. You know.

- We never talked.
I don't know why.

I don't. If I knew, I
wouldn't be here, okay?

And look, I... obviously,
we had our, our problems,

but I mean, fuck, we
were together forever.

We...

We were supposed
to make it work.

- Yeah.
- That was our fucking deal.

- Yeah, I thought so too.

But your version of being
together is just existing

and I needed more from life.

- Right. I don't
know what that means.

- For years, we just did the
same things all the time.

We just went to the
same restaurants,

and ate the same foods,
and sat in the same chairs,

just to, like,
not feel anything.

But at a certain point, I wanted
to feel things, good and bad.

And I wanted you there with me.

And I really tried.

And you didn't wanna do that.
You never wanted to do that.

You just wanted to fucking hide.

You were just, like, stuck
and you refused to move.

It's like you're so afraid of
feeling that you're already dead.

I had a lot of shit to deal with,
and I've been working on it,

and I have fought
to get better...

but I don't think you wanted to
do that fight, so I had to leave.

- Well, what would you
do if I told you, uh,

I got better too? What
would you say then?

- Yeah, well, then I would have
to ask you who that man is.

- This is an awkward
time to explain.

- Give it a shot.

- This is James.

He follows me for a dark web
game where I'm being hunted

for my life and
he keeps me safe.

Right.

Tommy, you have to deal
with your emotions.

Okay? You deserve
better than this.

You know what?

Thank you.

Thank you. I actually owe you one.
'Cause he's awesome and now he's mine.

- Cool. Who is she?
- I'm his partner.

And we're gonna go live
the fuck out of every day

'cause we could
die at any moment.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

And congratulations
on your baby.

You look, I mean, honestly,
you look stunning.

I'm so sorry. This isn't
about... this isn't about me.

I'm so sorry. I'm
really, I'm gonna go.

- Take care, Tommy.

- Yeah, you too.

- Bye, James.

- Good try, buddy.
- Thanks, pal.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I thought that was
gonna be, like, funny,

or I don't know what I
thought. That was awful.

That was so awful.

- It's okay. It's okay.
It needed to happen.

- Really?
- Yes. I'm glad.

- Okay. Partners? I'm so sorry.

- Yes. Partners.
- Partners?

Okay, can we do
something fun, please?

- Yes, please.

- Like, what's the most
fun thing you can think of?

- I am so glad we're
playing this game together.

- I love dancing.
- It is so fun.

- I'm so bad at it.
- You're so good at it.

I'm better than you
but I'm really bad.

All right, here you go.
I'm good. Thanks, bud.

- Um, I need to
tell you something.

- Okay.
- Uh...

My, uh, Dad didn't
die. I lied about that.

He and my mom split
up when I was 10.

It wasn't dramatic. Um,
no fights or anything.

They just, uh, kind
of drifted apart

and neither of them
fought for the marriage.

So now, um, my nightmare is
to be in that relationship,

and I, uh, kind of end
up in these situations

with overly dramatic people.

Um, but then I get, like,
overwhelmed by their shit

and I leave.

- Well, thanks for the honesty.

- When I was 10, my dad
vanished from the family.

We were just hanging out
and everything was fine,

and he and I stayed up
really late together.

And we were playing
video games and laughing.

And it was one of the most fun
nights I'd ever had with him.

And then when I woke
up, he was gone.

And we all looked for him
and we called the police.

There was, like,
no trace of him.

This has been an
interesting day.

Right?
- Yeah.

It's been a fascinating,
uh, first day,

of our partnership in
this game together.

- Do you wanna get outta here?

- Sure. Um, where to?

- I'm sorry I didn't
want James staying here,

but I think he was content
with the hotel room I got him.

- Oh, he was really fired up
about that hotel room tonight.

He's excited for the time off.
- Yeah, and, and again,

thank you for agreeing to sleep like
this. You know, I'm sorry I'm old school.

So I just thought it would be...

- Mom, stop.
- Better if...

- Stop, stop, Mom.
- Okay, okay.

So, again, you're welcome
to use the guest room

if you want and have your
own bed. But it's up to you.

- That's really sweet of you.
But I, I obviously can't be

away from your daughter
or I'm gonna...

- Oh, oh, right. Or you'll
get murdered. I forgot.

Oh, you know what?

I, I can't talk to you about
this. This is too weird.

You know, you're an adult
so I assume you know

what you're doing, so goodnight.

And I hope no one
murders either of you.

- I'm sorry about my Mom.
- No, she's great.

This is great.

- Thank God this is here.
- Yeah, for sure.

- Otherwise it would be weird.

Yeah, it would be weird
without it. For sure.

All right.

Good day.

Glad we met.
- Mm-hmm.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

- Wake up.

- My God.

Are you a ninja?
- Production assistant, yeah.

- Why are you
letting me see you?

- Well, you're all of
our favorite character.

We think you play
with a lot of heart.

- Thanks.

- You are not as safe
as you think you are.

We wanted to warn you.

- Why do you keep saying "we"
when you're all by yourself?

- Hi, guys.

- You need to go. You
are not safe here.

- Yes, I am. I'm with Maddy.

Shh.

Look.

Be careful. They're close.
Closer than you think.

- What the fuck?

- Holy...
- Oh my God.

Where were you?
- I was getting water.

- We need to go to a
motel right now, Maddy.

- Is this about my Mom?
- What?

- Is this about, like,
the sleeping situation?

- No, it's not about
your Mom, it's about...

There was a bunch of
contortionist ninjas in here.

They came out of there and he,

there was, like, six of them in here
and they told me that it wasn't safe

and I was in danger and we
needed to go someplace safer.

- We can just move the pillows.

- It's not about the pillows.
- Okay.

♪ I had a dream ♪

♪ She took my hand ♪

♪ Led me to a wonderland ♪

- How's this?

Yeah, it's better, right?
- Oh, great.

Get up.

No, I'm tired. I
wanna go to sleep.

- Please come out here just for a second.
- What?

- 'Cause I can't. I can't
go out there alone. Please.

- No.
- Please.

Thank you.

- It's very nice.
- It's really...

- It's very pretty.
- It's pretty.

Do you mind telling me why
you agreed to play the game?

- Why are you
asking me this now?

- I'm just so curious.

- I was very bored.

Like, dangerously bored.

I felt like I needed to do something
extreme to shake things up.

Why did you agree to do it?

- I guess I did it, uh,
'cause I was lonely.

I felt so alone and,
uh, stuck in my routine.

I didn't know how
to get out of it.

And as soon as that fucking
guy mentioned the loophole,

a light bulb went off.

And I thought, "Well, that's
what I've been craving."

I want to be around people
more, so I'll do that.

And it's worked.

- Yeah. I think we sort of
did it for the same reason.

- I bet everybody who's played this
game has done it for the same reason.

- Maybe.
- Maybe.

- Let's go to bed.
- Yeah, let's go to bed.

- Oh no. No. We're together.

Hey, hey. Hey, man,
we're together.

You can't do this, man.
Those aren't the rules.

- Sorry, maintenance. I
thought the room was empty.

- Oh, fucking bullshit with you.

If you're maintenance
then why are you dressed

like a Mario brother?

Tommy?

- What do you mean
Mario brother?

- You know what I mean.
Fucking look at you.

- Hey...
- No, I don't know what you mean.

I'm also the manager of this
motel. This is our uniform.

- Well, what are you, are you maintenance
or are you the fucking manager?

- Can't I be both?

- The, the uniform's
kind of ridiculous, so.

- Alright. I need to
improve the uniform.

I'm sorry for
interrupting your sleep.

- Just stay out of our fucking
room, Mario. You hear me?

We're together now.

- Well...

if I'm Mario...

who does that make you, huh?

Huh? King Koopa?

- What is King Koopa?

- What? You don't
know the characters?

It's the bad guy
from Mario Brothers.

It's a really good reference.
- I'm not the bad guy. You're the bad guy.

I'm the guy trying to survive.

- So in your scenario
that make you Mario.

- Yeah, he's Mario.

And that doesn't mean I'm Princess
Peach, by the way. I'm fucking Luigi.

You wanna be Luigi?
His twin brother?

- Not the princess?
- Well, I...

I mean, I guess I wasn't thinking about
the fact that it, it's like a bro...

I guess Mario Brothers.
They are brothers.

- Yeah.
- I was just, I, I, I want it to be clear

that it's, like, a
partnership and I feel like...

- Just stay out of our fucking
room. How about that, man?

'Cause we're together.

Oh! Oh my gosh.

- Fucking Christ.
- Oh my God.

That was incredible.
- Yeah.

Can you imagine if I
hadn't answered your ad?

I'd just be asleep in bed, and
instead I'm yelling at some guy

at three in the morning, calling
him like a Mario Brother.

- Okay, we gotta go.

- What are you doing?
- We have to go obviously.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Yes, we do.

It's just not safe
here. We have to go.

Hey. No, no, no.

It's safe.
- It's not safe.

- Tommy. You're not serious.
Where would we even go?

No, no, no, no, no, we're not...

We're not doing that.
- We have to do it.

Tommy, we just... We're fine.

- Okay, you know what?
- I don't understand what's happening.

- Here's what's happening.
Did you see how close he was?

- Yes.
- Did you see how aggressive he was?

- Yes.
- I mean, he walked into our...

- And we're fine
'cause we're together.

- Right. But we have to
be, like, so perfect.

- Okay.

- It can't be as sloppy as it
was back at your house, right?

- Okay.
- It's gotta be 100 percent on.

- Okay.
- Or we're dead.

- Look, I really, really
like hanging with you.

I feel like I have
been waiting for you.

- And now that I got you, I don't wanna die.
- Okay.

I'm...

I'm not going anywhere.

Okay?

- Okay, I'm not going anywhere.
- Good, then...

- So then we have
to spend the next...

- Great.
- Two weeks or so...

- Great.
- Like fucking this.

- I'm not worried about it, are you?
- No, no.

All right, well, I promise I'm
not going anywhere. I'm with you.

- You're not getting rid of me.
- Okay, good. Then we're...

- We're together.
- Yeah.

♪ My love ♪

♪ Will you promise ♪

♪ To be mine ♪

♪ And I'll be yours ♪

♪ When the roses grow ♪

♪ I'll be there to smile ♪

♪ And to kiss you ♪

♪ Love me more ♪

♪ Only heaven knows ♪

♪ What's in store for us ♪

♪ In this simple act ♪

♪ We call it love ♪

♪ You bet you can't deny ♪

♪ When your heart is bruised ♪

♪ And yet you become his love ♪

- Holy shit.

There's another
participant. Look. Look.

I am also playing. I have
info that you will want.

We don't wanna do that, right?

- I mean, we have to see.

- You wanna involve
somebody else? Now?

I, I feel like we've got a
pretty good thing going here.

I, I, I would rather not fuck it up.
- Right.

- I'm feeling really good.

Like, kind of better than
I've felt in a while.

Sorry, are you listening?

- Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. I am. There,
there's another person playing.

Hey, you're not
listening. It sucks.

- Maddy.

They could be playing the
game and they could be alone

and in danger and we could help.

Do you remember how we were
before we met each other?

How fucking scary that
was? How lonely we were?

Well, they could be like this
right now and we could help them.

Right?

Or they could help us.

They could have information
that changes our game.

We don't know. We have to try.

And what is there?
What, what's the risk?

Nothing. We have
each other. Right?

- Right.

- But this could be huge for us.
This could help our game so much.

- Sit down.

- How many days you got
left? I'm 11. She's, uh, 10.

- What's so funny?

- I don't wanna burst your bubble,
man, but the game is a joke.

They're laughing at us.

- Oh, that's good to know.

Right? It's a good
thing we met you.

Yeah, that's probably everything
we need though. We should...

- You don't wanna know
how the game works?

I, I do want to know
how the game works.

- Well, we're still playing. So I don't...
- Of, course, yeah. Please tell us.

- They pick a certain type of contestant.
You wanna know what the type is?

- Analytical.
- Kinda cute.

Hell no.

They pick people really going
through shit. Like, struggling.

Those are the ones
they take advantage of.

The kind of people when other
people start to doubt them,

they doubt themselves too.

- Right.

Tom, I think we should go.

You guys ready for
the other surprise?

- Yeah.
- Not really.

- The show is a comedy.

- How's it a comedy? They're
trying to fucking kill us.

- That's it right there.

The people trying to kill you are
dressed up just to get some laughs.

Like me, I'm getting
hunted by a sumo wrestler

and a guy dressed like Sinbad.

- A sumo wrestler?

And Sinbad, like, the comedian?

- Yeah. And they're
dangerous as fuck too.

- So the show's, like, um,
like, "Let's Make a Deal."

- Is that the one
with Wayne Brady?

- Yeah, it's actually... It's
a surprisingly good show.

He's a great host.
- No surprises there at all.

That motherfucker is all talent.

- I've never seen the show.

- Yes.
- It's fun.

- It's a good show.
- Okay, I'll check it out.

- Do you even know the
title of the show you're on?

- No, they never told me.

Did they tell you?
- No.

- DOG. D, period, O, period,
G. Delusions of Grandeur.

You're stuck in a spider
web and don't even know it.

- Charlie. Enough's
enough. It's time to go.

Bring your ass on. Now.
Gonna sit in the car.

- That's my Dad. He's
on one. I gotta go.

I don't even know, uh...

what to say.
- Yeah, um, I, I need to go home.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Great, yeah. That's smart.

Just to get closer to the people
and places we're familiar with.

- No um, I, I'm gonna, I
think I'm gonna go home alone.

- What does that mean,
alone? Without me?

- Yeah, I just need,
need the night at least

to kind of breathe.
Does that make sense?

- Uh, emotionally, yeah. In terms
of the game, no, not at all.

- Um, okay. How about this?

I can just drive you
wherever you want to go.

And maybe tomorrow
we can check in and,

and see where we're at kind of.

- Or, or, or, sorry.

Or we could go back to the
motel and I'll just give you,

- I'll just give you more space.
- Right.

The motel where we
sleep in the same bed

and we can't be more
than three feet apart.

Well, we can-

- I can take, I can take
you wherever you want.

And I'll, I'll wait until
somebody's with you.

- I think this is a really bad
idea and they could kill us.

Yeah, um...

I'm okay with you thinking that.

Maddy. Maddy, please.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck
you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

- What is happening?

- I don't know where the cameras
are, but I know they're here.

I know you guys have been
here. You're sneaky as fuck.

And I know that the
ninjas have been here.

I know the real name.
Delusions of Grandeur.

Fuck off. I got it. Very
clever. And guess what?

I don't care. And guess what?

You tried to get my
family not to believe me.

Well, I got James. And guess
what? He's become a friend.

Maybe even a friend for life.

- This is your brother.
- Yeah.

And if I find out
Madeline gets hurt,

I'm gonna fucking kill Andy
Samberg. Maddy dies, Samberg dies.

I'll turn that motherfucker into a
piñata. You understand what I'm saying?

I'll put his head
on a fucking stick.

He'll be a little piñata boy.

Ya fucked with the wrong
guy. I'll kill Andy Samberg.

- Tommy.

You gotta go. There's a limo
outside waiting for you.

- I don't want to go to a limo right now.
- You don't have a choice.

Is this about...

me saying I would
murder Andy Samberg?

- I don't know.
- 'Cause I, I would never do that.

I was just saying
it 'cause I was mad.

- I don't know. You gotta go.
- Am I in trouble?

- I don't know.

Let's go.

- Hi, Tommy.

- Hi, Dad.

- How's your mother?

- She's good, yeah. Mom's doing...
- Mary? Amy?

- Good. Everybody's doing really
good in the last 30 years.

How are you?

Oh, real good.

Actually...

Living in Cleveland, sober.

- I'm sorry, uh, what, uh...

- What are you doing here?
- Right.

- And I don't mean
to be rude, Dad.

I'm just trying to do the math
on what the fuck's happening.

I didn't expect to see you.

- Well, yeah.
- Yeah.

- I'm here to tell you...
that Madeline is unharmed.

- What are you talking about?

- A few hours ago, a guy named
Wayne Brady knocked on my door.

Next thing I know...

I'm on a, a private jet.

Now I'm sitting here with you.

- All right, Dad, this was, well,
this was interesting but, um...

- Tommy.

When I, I left,

when you and me stayed up...
- Hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey. No.

No. No.

Don't do this right now.

I can't do the big fucking
Dad talk right now.

What the fuck is going on
now? We're doing a Dad talk?

If I try to do a Dad talk, my
fucking head is gonna explode.

- I understand.

- I mean, don't get me wrong.

I have wanted to have
this moment with you

since the night
you fucking left.

I've dreamt of this fucking
moment, man. But not now.

'Cause all I'm thinking about
now is Madeline's safety.

I like her so much.

- I hope no one hurts
her, son. Or you.

And that you get to spend
your lives together.

Don't be like me. Don't
fuck up a good thing.

Hey, Dad.

Is this real life right now?
Is this really happening?

- I think so.

- Okay.

Okay.

I love you, Dad.

- Oh, man.

Mm-hmm.

All right.
- Okay.

- Been calling her for days.
- Maybe she wants some space.

- Hi.

- Hey, I've been trying
you for days. Are you okay?

- I'm fine. I'm fine. TOM:
You're safe? Hundred percent?

- Yeah.

- Oh my God. Come here, please. Oh.
- Tommy. I was lying.

I know, we've been over
that. I don't care.

- No. Tommy, about the game.

Um. I'm not playing a game.

- What are you talking about?
- I saw your ad and I...

was really bored and
lonely, and um...

I thought it was a joke.
I thought this was like...

roleplaying dating
or something...

- What are you talking
about? What is this?

- This is the truth. I...

I'm so sorry. I didn't know.

- Who got to you?
- Nobody.

Who told you to say this?

- Tommy, nobody.

- Yeah. Was it
fucking Wayne Brady?

Did Wayne Brady come here
and tell you to say that?

That son of a fucking bitch.

- I can assure you Wayne
Brady was not here.

- Oh, for fuck's sake.

- They got my Mom.
- Who got your Mom?

- Fucking hunters, Maddy.

Please, please keep up with me.
James, go as fast as you can!

Shit. Shit. Shit.

- Ah!
- Ah, God.

- Whoo. Hi. I, I'm
Ellen DeGeneres.

- Sorry, but you don't really
look like Ellen DeGeneres to me.

- You're probably a little nervous,
'cause you're a, you, you're a big fan.

You've, uh, come to
my taping before.

Yeah? You, you and, uh, your
ex-girlfriend, didn't you?

- Yeah, we went. How
do you know that?

- Well, get in the car, Tom. We
can talk about it in private.

- But it's not a,
a, a limousine.

- Well, I, I like a Lincoln.

- Why the fuck would
you like a Lincoln?

- Come on, don't be a car snob.
Just, just get in the car.

- I'm not a car snob.
- Tommy, please.

Why would you like a
Lincoln over a limo?

Get in the fucking car.

- Hey, it's Ellen DeGeneres from
TV. She's giving away guest blocks.

Tommy! What the hell
happened to you, man?

I got hit in the face.

- Oh, well, that's what
happens when you go too fast.

Here, gimme your hand.
- You gotta keep up with me, man.

Did you say Ellen
DeGeneres was here?

- No, that wasn't Ellen DeGeneres.
It was a murderer, you asshole!

- What?

- How's it look?
- Awful. Wipe your mouth.

Did you just call me an asshole?

Almost there.

Yeah, yeah, you said that
about ten minutes ago.

- Okay, come on, come on.
Please, please, please. Hurry up.

What is this?

- What does it look like?
It's an intervention.

- For me?
- No, for Mom.

We're all just facing the wrong direction.
- What the hell happened to your tooth?

- Oh, I got hit in the face by
an Ellen DeGeneres impersonator.

- Did it hurt?
- It was a pretty clean hit.

Yes, it hurt, but
it's kind of fine now.

- Hi, Tom. I'm Lindsay.

I'm an interventionist and
I'd like to welcome you

to have a seat with
us for a while.

- Hi, Lindsay. An inter... What
do you think? I'm a drug addict?

Do you think I'm on drugs?
- No, it's about your, your mental health.

Or, I mean... We're not
really sure what it is.

- Or maybe it's about attention
or, like, like, Theresa dumped you.

Okay, well, then how
about fucking this?

I saw Theresa and
we're good. We talked.

- Oh, yeah?

Okay, well, maybe it's about
Dad never being around.

- I saw Dad.

He says hi to everybody.

Yeah, he lives in Cleveland.
He claims to be sober,

and he was pretty apologetic
about how he left.

- You saw Dad?

- Yeah, we were in a
limousine together.

Uh, Wayne Brady, um, I guess found
him and put him on a private jet.

- Wayne Brady's
friends with Dad?

- I'm not not sure if Wayne
Brady's friends with him,

but yeah, that's what Dad said.

- There are a lot of people in
this room who really love you.

So why don't you
just sit for a while.

- Hey, hey. Tommy?
- What?

Just sit down.

No offense, but this woman
is ridiculously expensive,

so please, thank you.

Okay, we hired someone. We hired someone
to search for your dark web show.

They found nothing, honey.

- No thanks, buddy.

Well, maybe the person that you
hired, uh, is part of the game.

Have you brainiacs
ever thought of that?

- Maybe it's a setup.
- Oh, Tommy.

Tommy, we've been down
this road so many times.

And it's not the, not the first time that
you thought the world was against you.

It just happens
to be the latest.

Honey, please accept it.

- There's a ninja out
the window right now.

But don't look, they'll just run
away. It'll make me look worse.

- There's no ninja.

- What's that ninja doing?
Something really cool?

Like, some back flips, some
kicks, or are they just chilling?

- Just chilling.

- That's disappointing.

- Flips would've been cool.
- Okay, stop it. It's not funny.

Used to be funny.

- Uh, excuse me, uh, Lindsay.
- Yes.

- This is a lot to take in, um,

and, um, I'm just wondering
before I make my decision

and we get to the letters,
if I can just take a minute.

Um, just to process and then I'm
happy to get in. Is that okay?

Sure. TOM: Thank you.

Would you stop fucking
snacking and come with me, man?

- That's all you ever say to me.

Stop snacking is
all I say to you?

- Yeah.
- That's not it.

Oh, it isn't? TOM: No.

Well, that went really bad.

- I can't believe one tooth
can change a face so much.

- Right?
- Oh! There, he's running.

No, Tommy. TOM:
Go, go, go, go, go.

Oh, goddamn it. I'm
calling the police.

- Man, I gotta admit, this
has been a lot of fun.

- I, I agree, man.

It's been great having you part
of it, James. It really has.

- Also, you should know
my name's not James.

It's Walter.

Is that true?
- Yes, that's true.

- So why the fuck did you
tell me your name was James?

- I didn't tell you
my name was James.

You just started
calling me James.

What?

I just made up James?
- Yes, you did.

But don't worry about it, man.

Um...
- All right.

- We're friends now.
- Okay.

Sorry I did that.
- So you should know my real name.

Yeah, I agree, man.

Sometimes my brain
does shit, man.

Well, Walter, when I win this
fucking game, which I will...

I'd like to buy
you a place, man.

- For reals?
- Hundred percent. You deserve it, man.

- No, no.
- You're a great fucking guy.

- No, no, man.
- And I don't...

I don't want you living like this.
- It's too much.

- We're friends, right?

- Yeah.
- So I got you.

Listen to me.

Keep your head in the game, kid.

Remember what you're
doing. Remember the rules.

You can win. Don't quit.

- Okay.

- You're good?
- Yeah.

- Okay. Me too.

Okay.

Boy, we are a toothless
bunch of old dudes, ain't we?

Excuse me. Have you seen the guy
I was with, with the big beard?

What the fuck is
going on? James!

- Walter!

- Have you seen the guy I
was with, with the big beard?

It's a dark web reality show.

I'm being hunted, I
just can't be alone.

So that's why I came here, cause
my family doesn't trust me. So...

- I'd prefer to go home,
believe me, you know,

but it's only a couple
more days, so...

So I've got about 24 hours
left, and then I win.

That's it. That's it.

Wake up.

It's day 30, is it over?

Did I win?
- No.

- Then why are you here?

- We're just here to give you
instructions on the ending of the game.

- Okay.

You can just bring out the other
ninjas, I know they're here.

- Hey.

- So what happens
now, how does it end?

- There will be a limo.
You need to get in it.

It will take you to the ending.

That's it. Those are
the instructions.

- Okay, where's the limo?

- I don't know, but, uh,
they did tell me to tell you

that you need to leave
this area to find the limo.

- I have to leave here? Why?

- They feel like the
audience is getting bored

watching you sleeping
under this bridge.

They feel like it's getting
a little depressing.

Really?

- It is a comedy, remember?

- Well, I'm sorry I'm not
being more entertaining,

but people are
trying to murder me.

- We get it. But they do
want a more exciting ending.

That's why we got rid of
Walter in the first place.

They felt like your
relationship was too repetitive.

- You took Walter? You
didn't hurt him, did you?

- No, he's sleeping in a motel right
now until you either win or die.

- He's quite happy
with the set up.

- Well I'm sure he is.

- We recommend that you find
someone getting outta here

and you follow them.

The limo will find you.
- Okay.

- Maybe her?

- Sir, why'd you follow me?

- Oh, I, I, I wasn't
following you.

We just both happened to
be doing the same thing.

- How are you
doing, Mr. Walcott?

Boy, you have been one
hell of a contestant.

- Excuse me, can you see him?

- Stop talking to me.

- Mm-hmm. Woah.

- I'm not alone. We're together.

You will be. And
I'm a patient man.

Do you mind if I
ask you a question?

- Go ahead.

- Have you figured it out?

That this whole game
was set up just for you?

All that Michael Jackson shit.

You and your dad playing video games,
and your ex with Ellen DeGeneres.

- So then who are you?

- I think maybe you watched
a few too many westerns, huh?

- Hi.

Me again.
- Hi.

- So, you been having fun?
- Did you just ask if I was having fun?

- Um... yes?

- No! I'm not having fun!

- Okay.

- This has been a goddamn
nightmare, Andy Samberg.

- Well I'm sorry to hear
that. But truth be told...

since I last saw you, things haven't
been that great for me either. So...

Been on a little
bit of a bender.

- You've been on a bender?
- Lot of ups and downs.

Currently in a big down.

In a big down. Thus,
me, back here with you.

For a little money gig.
- What do you even want?

- You know what, you're
actually totally right.

I'm gonna keep this moving

so I can get paid, you can
be on your way, and I can...

♪ Take it back to
squeaky street. ♪

I'm just kidding!

No more of that.

Just getting my money so I can
pay everyone back that I owe.

If you're watching,
I'm just joking around,

you're gonna get your
money. Here we go.

Thomas Walcott.
Smelly, no tooth.

Doesn't really say
that, I was just joking.

Gotta keep it light. Congratulations.
You have made it to the limo.

But the game is not
over. You have a choice.

Do you want to continue
playing, or end it now,

and return to your home
safely but receive no money?

- I'm gonna do it.
- Really?

-Yeah, really. I've come this far,
I need to finish what I started.

- Why would you...
You know what? Fine.

I get paid more if you
keep going, so great.

He wants to keep going.
Let's keep going.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Hey uh, would you do me a
favor? Roll your window down.

You're pretty ripe.

Thank you.

Okay. Good luck, man.

Hey, boo.

Can I talk to you? I got
some information about Maddy.

- Hey, Tommy, come
this way. Towards me.

We're friends with Charlie.
- Sinbad...

- Come here.
- Fuck.

Tommy.

Tommy!

Holy shit.

Oh, fuck. Oh, shit.

I won! I won! I won!

- Where are the
fucking guys? I won!

It's been 30 days. The limo
picked me up, I made it!

I told you when we were sitting here,
your game was beatable, and it was.

And I beat you!

You tried to break me, but
you failed at that too.

You actually made me stronger.

You wanna know why?
'Cause I learned things.

First of all, I got
over my ex. Check mark.

Second of all, I saw
my Dad. Thank you.

Fucking check mark.

Third of all, I met a new
woman and she's excellent.

So how's this?

I know that I won, and you
owe me a million dollars,

and I'm not leaving
until you bring it to me.

Just gimme my goddamn money
so I can get on with my life

for fuck's sake.

Congratulations. You
survived 30 days.

You are our first winner!
- You won our game!

- How does it feel
to be a winner?

Pretty good. Pretty good.

- Stoked for you, Tommy.

- Thanks, man. You helped
me a lot. All you guys did.

I mean, not you, Samurai.

I just met you. INTERVIEWER
1: And you remember this guy.

- You beat me, ya prick.
-

Even that was scary.

What is this?

- This is Danish Kroner. It's
the currency of Greenland.

- Thank you. And I'm really
glad you didn't kill me.

- You're very welcome.

I think I learned
from this game,

I'm ready to shake things
up. Let's try new things.

- Yeah.

I fucking won! I won the game!

Fuck yeah!

Wow! What a fucked-up game!

Was it dangerous? Uh, yeah,
it actually really was.

Was it worth it? Hmm.

You bet your ass it was. 'Cause
we're talking a million dollars.

And I won.

So I'd like to thank you
guys for fucking nothing,

because you didn't believe in me,
and you were wrong and I was right.

And you all have egg on your face. So
what do you have to say for yourselves?

- I'm glad you fixed your tooth,
'cause it really looked terrible.

- Comedically. I preferred it before.
- So you won.

So does that, does that mean you're,
you're a millionaire now, honey?

- Uh, obviously with the, with this
game there's always twists and turns

and it's, it's happened with the currency.
- What's the twist with the currency?

- Yeah, how much...
- How much did you...

- I wonder what the twist
is with the currency.

Are you a millionaire or not?

- Yeah, so.
- Of course.

- Yeah, uh, so the way they're
doing the payment on this one is uh,

it's, uh, four grand a month for,
I think it's 250, uh, months.

And it's in Greenlandic currency.
So I don't know the conversion.

- That's very interesting.
Greenlandic currency.

I wonder where that
terrible idea came from.

- Not so bad! That's,
like, 12 years.

Yeah. AMY: Okay well,
that's it. I'm done.

Uh, Wayne Brady, big fan.

- Yeah.
- Aw, thank you.

- Uh, you wanna grab lunch or
something, or are you down?

- Yeah, yeah, no I'm down.
- Great. Awesome. Yeah, cool.

- Thank you.
- Alright, well good to see everybody.

It's just like a lot,
you know what I mean?

Hey, thank you.

So, uh, what are you gonna tell
Maddy if she asks about the game?

I'm gonna tell her the truth.

The game's over.
Time to move on.

Alright. Here goes
nothing. Now or never.

- Yeah, here goes nothing.

You want me to come with you?

- No, no. I wanna do it
on my own. But thanks.

I'll see you back at the
apartment, though, all right?

- Come on, hug it up.

Thanks. I'll see you back at home, okay?
- Yeah, I'll see you at home.

Alright. You're the best.

♪ Now what I want is
an easy movement ♪

♪ So kindly go gently with me ♪

♪ Now what I want is
freedom of my legs ♪

♪ So kindly keep back a little ♪

♪ I don’t like it when
you’re holding my hips ♪

♪ I want you to
rock me like this ♪

♪ I don’t like it when
you’re touching my breast ♪

♪ I'd like you to
be at your best ♪

♪ Oh mister, please go easy ♪

♪ So mister, I say,
go easy with me ♪

♪ It is true that
the music is sweet ♪

♪ But kindly keep me released ♪

♪ Now what I see is that
you’re getting too hot ♪

♪ Sir please, suppress
your feeling ♪

♪ I say mister,
please suppress your ♪

♪ So mister, I say,
suppress your ♪

♪ I don’t like it when
you’re holding my hips ♪

♪ I want you to
rock me like this ♪

♪ I don’t like it when
you’re touching my breast ♪

♪ I'd like you to
be at your best ♪

♪ Oh mister, please go easy ♪

♪ So mister, I say, go
easy with me, alright! ♪

♪ Wake up in the morning ♪

♪ It's a quarter to three ♪

♪ I hit the street ♪

♪ Wake up in the morning ♪

♪ It's a quarter to three ♪

♪ I hit the street ♪

♪ Now that my mind is racing ♪

♪ And rolling around ♪

♪ I can't sleep anymore ♪

♪ Now that my mind is racing ♪

♪ And rolling around ♪

♪ I can't sleep anymore ♪