All language subtitles for New Girl S01E18 Fancyman Part 2 1080p DSNP WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-MiU_track4_[eng]

(URINE TRICKLING)

Nick, your houseguest is
urinating in the bathroom

Tony the Tiger style.

-Naked with a kerchief?
-JESS: What?

Naked with a kerchief.

No, what do you call top, no pants?

-Like Winnie the Pooh or Paddington.
-Honey the Smacks Frog.

-There's Donald the Duck.
-SCHMIDT: Pretty much

any kind of bear except for Yogi

-'cause that's naked with a tie.
-Alvin, Simon, Theodore.

I saw his entire butt.

-Look, Dirk's a good guy.
-(LAUGHING)

He was my roommate
when I was in law school.

-Smartest guy I know.
-So, he's a lawyer?

No, he's not a lawyer,
but he has a law degree,

a business degree,
and a master's in Agriculture.

He's kind of like a degree collector.

He's got his PhD in poetry, so...

That sucks for poems.

How'd it go with Fancyman?

JESS: It was an amazing first date,

except for one awkward
part at the end.

I don't go on dates very often.

Guys my age always want
to skip the date

and just go right for the gold.

Which I don't give them

because I'm stingy with my gold.

Unless they dig for it.

I haven't even gotten
to the awkward part yet.

Oh, hi.

VALET: Black Sedan?

Uh, yeah.

(QUIETLY) What?

So, he patted me on the back.

I thought I'd at least get
a front pat. Whoo-ha!

(CHUCKLING) What?

-(BOTH LAUGHING)
-Look,

he probably just got nervous.

No, Russell's never nervous.

That's the worst answer.

-(PHONE RINGING)
-Winston, what do you think?

Oh, thank God. Hey, what's up, baby?

-Ooh.
-NICK: Hey, is that Shelby?

-(WHIPPING NOISE)
-(MEOWS)

-What was that?
-A cat sound.

-Oh, you did the whip, we should've...
-NICK: Yes.

-JESS: Guys!
-Should have been the other way.

Okay, I'm just gonna ask Cece.

But next time you guys
want advice about girls,

don't come crawling to me.

-You got it. Yeah.
-That sounds good.

No, that was a joke, I love it when

you guys ask me stuff.
It makes me feel really important.

-And I love it when...
-"One shade the more,

"one ray the less,

-"had half impaired the nameless grace."
-(GROANS)

(WHISPERS)
Are you wearing a ladies' scarf?

Come to my lecture tomorrow night.

Absolutely not.

She's missing out, my man.

-Hey, Schmidt?
-SCHMIDT: Yeah?

Can I use your car
to take Shelby to the airport?

Oh, I don't have a car, Winston.

Hey, Schmidt, uh,
you mind if I use the, uh,

"Man-bulance?"

The man-bulance is resting.
He needs to get ready

for the corporate
team-building retreat on Monday.

That's cool. I'm sure
the man-bulance couldn't handle

all of Shelby's luggage anyway.

-Ooh...
-What the hell is wrong with you, Winston?

The man-bulance
could fit the luggage of nine Shelbys.

It has the towing capacity
of 1,000 Shelbys.

You know what?
Here you go, Winston. There you go.

-Enjoy luxury.
-All good, man.

I got your second set, so thank you.

How'd you get
my second set of keys?

Hey, someone left your door open.

Someone left your face beautiful.

Who is that?

Apparently, his name is Dirk.

Sorry, Dirk, I'm seeing somebody.

DIRK: But should that
stop you from seeing this?

NICK: Yeah!

-That's awesome.
-Does he keep you happy?

He does what he's told.

Yeah. (SIGHS)

So you're the boss
and he's your little secretary?

Oh,

you're a sex-cretary?

I am definitely the boss.

(CHUCKLES) Sex-cretary,
he just made that up.

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

It's Jess!

I hate bachelorette parties.

I have, like, 50 different
penis items in my carry-on.

-(CHUCKLES)
-If this plane goes down,

there's gonna be some sharks

doing really weird stuff. (LAUGHS)

Sharks? I thought
you were going to Vegas?

No, Mexico. I thought I told you that.

Mmm-mmm.

Well, if you don't want me to go,

I don't have to go.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
I want you to go.

It'll be good, you know?

We spent the last five nights together.

I mean, you know,
we both could use some space.

(INHALES)

Right.

-Did I say something wrong?
-What?

I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you
across all the space.

(WHISPERING) Hey!

Great news, um, Jess is taking a shower.

Okay, I just need, like,
a good, solid 10 minutes.

Eat this granola bar first.

I want to try something
called the horse trough.

No, Cece.

I'm not having sex with you right now.

I have to get everybody
in the company's name

into a version of
We Didn't Start the Fire.

Totally fine. What do you need,

-like, 20 minutes?
-Cece,

this... (CHUCKLES) Okay, this is real work

for my real boss who is not you.

Oh, I get what's happening here.

It's 'cause ponytail called you
a "sex receptionist."

A sex receptionist answers calls all day.

A sex-cretary does scheduling,
light filing,

basically runs the office.

So, first of all,

thank you for the demotion.

And second of all, I quit.

So, I'll see you tonight.

Did you not hear anything I just said?

Oh, no, I totally heard you
loud and clear,

but do you know
who didn't happen to hear you?

What are you doing? Don't... Don't...

Don't involve them.

-Oh, my... (GRUNTS)
-They just didn't hear.

Don't bring them into this.

Don't tell me.

Tell them.

Damn it.

Hi. (CHUCKLES)

Hi, guys. Uh, Harold, Kumar,

I love you... I love you both.

All the zany adventures we've had.

But we can't go to
White Castle today. Just can't do it.

You're serious about this?

JESS: Cece?

Is Schmidt bothering you?

(WHISPERING) This is not over.

Okay?

Was it like a caress
or like a... like a pat?

No, like a pat,
it was distinctly a pat,

and it was actually kind of hot.

The man knows how to pat a back.

At any point during the night,

did you do your
Kermit the Frog imitation?

Maybe.
(IMITATES KERMIT THE FROG) Once or twice.

No, stop, it freaks me out
and you know.

Well, what do I do? I really,
really want to see him again, like, badly.

-You just call him.
-I can't.

He's too sophisticated.

He told me he'd run with the bulls,

and I quote,

"Not the touristy bulls in Pamplona."

Big deal. Just call him.

Schmidt says the moment
a woman touches a phone,

she loses her power unless she's sexting,

in which case, she gains a half power.

Well, that's Schmidt just talking...

I mean, what does Schmidt know?

Look, all the guys
that you live with, boys.

You've only dated boys.
Russell is a grown man,

and I bet he likes women

who know what they want and ask for it.

He has a hot air balloon
in a hangar in Palm Springs.

Okay, sweetheart,
you are sophisticated.

You've just got to pick up the phone,

and you ask him out for dinner.

You know what? You're right.
I am sophisticated.

I'm gonna do this.

-What is that?
-It's a phone.

Oh, God.

Thus ends our journey
through the words of time.

From Dylan Thomas to Bob Dylan,

from Dylan to Dylan.

They're both named Dylan.

-Watch him bring it home, man.
-Do I have to?

"We have to rage.

"Rage against the dying of the light.

"And when the light

"is no longer bright."

(HARMONICA PLAYS)

"Don't think twice, it's all right."

It's over.

(APPLAUSE, WHISTLING)

Smartest guy I know.

Professor?

-Professor?
-Yeah?

We wanted to remind you about
the post-lecture wine and cheese event.

A soiree, eh?

Super classy.

Crackers, bubbles, crab, hummus.

Yeah, I... I emailed you about that.

-That was me.
-Oh, sometimes when I get

a really long email...

I don't read it.

(SIGHING)

WOMAN: Bye.

Oh, mommy.

(LAUGHING)
All right, Dirk, what about Deb?

You guys having problems or something?

No, no, no, everything's fine.

She left me and moved
out of the house.

I guess it was "too hard to support me."

"Financially."

It's all fine, her leaving
has allowed me to realize

the one thing that was
missing in my life.

-Scarves?
-Undergraduate ladies.

You see, girls our age,
what do they want?

They want us to wed them,
sire their children.

-They want you to have a bedframe.
-Right, yeah.

Mmm-hmm? They want you to eat off plates,

but girls in college,

all they want you to do

is tell them that
their photography has potential.

But don't they
want to hang out with guys their own age?

Have you hung out with a
20-year-old dude lately?

Trust me, they are setting
the bar very, very low.

-Right.
-They haven't even

gone through their gay phase.

I'm gonna give Shelby
a call real quick.

Check on her,
see if everything's all right.

-Sounds good, man.
-What, dude, relax, okay?

I just said
we're gonna give each other space,

doesn't mean I can't call her, right,

to see if anything funny
happened on the plane.

You know what "space" means, right?

That's space to have sex
with other people.

No, space means you go to Mexico,

and you do not have sex with other people.

Watch this.

Nick, don't give me any space.

You got it, my man.

See, this makes it pretty hard

for you and I to have sex
right now, doesn't it?

Now, Nick, I want you

-to give me some space.
-You got it.

All this space allows me opportunity

to have as much sex as we want.

-Smartest guy I know.
-See how much sex

-we could be having?
-That... That does not...

(SHOUTS)
Get out of my way, bookworms!

You ready to make love
to some college chicks?

Hey, when's the last time you had mono?

I don't know.

Tomorrow, you're gonna say yesterday.

CECE: I have that team-building research

-you asked for, Mr. Schmidt.
-Huh? (SCREAMS)

What are you wearing?

I don't... I don't know.

I mean, I found this

at the lost and found at the gym.

I'm not really sure
how sexy a sex-cretary is supposed to be.

I've never had to do this.

I've never had
to seduce somebody before.

If you're gonna seduce me,

don't dress up like
my Aunt Freida at seder.

Come on, okay?

I will do anything,

and I'll do it anywhere.

All right?

Even fantasy location

number three?

Okay.

(MELLOW JAZZ PLAYING)

-Um, how good are the Beatles? (CHUCKLES)
-(EXHALES)

Beatles are the best.

Were you so upset when they broke up?

I would have been, but I was one.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, you're not one anymore.

(CHUCKLES)

How's your prostate?

-Uh...
-I had my breast exam last week,

and, like, they're fine.
It's just boob in there,

but we have to be careful.

Our bodies are decaying.

Are you okay? You seem strange.

Why didn't we kiss
the other night? (QUIETLY) Sorry.

(PHONE VIBRATING)

I'm sorry.

-No, it's fine.
-Oh.

-What?
-Hey, I, uh...

-Is everything okay? Oh.
-I got to go. Mmm-hmm.

-This ought to take care of the dinner.
-Yeah.

Okay?

Oh, I cannot believe I almost left

without, um...

Here, there's cab fare.

-Get home safe.
-Oh.

(BEEP)

Baby, look, I don't want space, okay?

I don't want anyone to have space.

I want to be standing
right in front of you.

I want the air that you breathe

to be the air coming directly
from out of my mouth.

I want to just be passing air
back and forth

between each other
until it's mostly carbon dioxide

and then we both pass out and die.

(SIGHS)

(GROANS) No flights.

Hey, Schmidt,
do you mind if I borrow your car again?

"Of course you can, Winston.
You're so great."

Thank you!

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

Nope.

Hey, my name's Nicholas.

Nick, Nick.

Buddy, nobody ever regretted
throwing an after-party.

Oh, I do.

Dirk, I feel so old here.

Is calling a girl "shorty" still cool?

We got to find your angle
with these college girls.

Your hook, your panty-melter.

Usually, my hook is that it's
closing time, and I'm there.

You were a panty-melting
icon in law school.

If panties were snowmen,

you were March, bro.

Hey.

NICK: Don't do this.
DIRK: Skyler, Miriam,

-come here for a second.
-NICK: Don't humiliate me, Dirk.

How cool is my friend, Nick?

Are you a professor, too?

No, no, no, I'm a bartender.

Thirty years old,
I don't have health insurance.

-You know how to make drinks?
-(MIRIAM CHUCKLES)

(WHISPERING) Panty-melter.

Do I know how
to make drinks, did you say?

Yeah, like alcoholic drinks?

Yeah, I do that professionally.

You could get me drunk professionally?

Are you a cop?

Sometimes.

-(BOTH LAUGH)
-Do you have identification on you?

(BOTH LAUGH)

-(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
-(PEOPLE WHOOPING, CHATTERING)

(INHALES) I gotta call Jenna and tell her
I'm making out with a bartender.

Five nights a week.

Jess, you made it to the party!

What's going on? Why is the cast

of The Social Network in our apartment?

Dirk is a genius!

Twenty-year-old girls,
they think I'm awesome!

And look at 'em!

They don't know what
Saved by the Bell is

and they've never felt pain.

I'm Skyler's Fancyman!

Can you believe it?

Where's your Fancyman? Where is he?

I don't know. It's horrible. He left,

then he gave me $100 for a cab!
And you know what?

I'm gonna use the remaining $90

to get out of here and start a new life.

It's been nice knowing you.

Hey!

ALL: Hey!

I'm gonna die alone!

-Oh, no!
-I am so, so sad right now.

My heart hurts!

You want Nick to make you
a bayberry breeze? 'Cause he is so smart.

So smart.

Yes, I do. Yes, I do!

(GASPS)

(GROANS)

This. (LAUGHS)

I'm not happy! Thirty sucks!

(EXCLAIMS) Weird party move.

-(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
-Just you and I...

Defying gravity

With you and I defying gravity...

(WHISPERING) It's been two hours.

This is officially crazy.

Also, I have to go to the bathroom.

Just pee yourself.

So you'd rather sit in my urine

for the rest of the car ride

than admit to Winston
that we're sleeping together?

Yep, absolutely.

-Don't even have to think about it.
-(SIGHS)

I don't want to ruin
what we have, okay?

Because if people find out,

they're gonna have a lot of questions,

like, "Cece, why are
you sleeping with him?"

And, "Seriously, why?"

You think we have something to ruin?

Earlier, I was dressed as a sex-cretary.

And I was wearing shoulder pads.

So I obviously

must like sleeping with you.

A secre-tarty.

-Shut up.
-(BOTH LAUGHING)

This is pretty great.

-I'm freezing, by the way. I'm so cold.
-Yeah.

How are you not freezing?

Does your brown skin retain heat?

Instead of dreary who-you-were, or are

There's nothing that can stop you

...from becoming popular

Lar

La, la

La, ah-ah, ah...

-(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)
-(ALL CHEERING)

Take out your tampon and drink, Trevor!

The flip queen has spoken!

ALL: (CHANTING) Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

(PHONE RINGING)

Shelby.

Babe, I don't want space.

SHELBY: Neither do I!

That's why I'm at your apartment.

-I got on a plane. I wanted to see you.
-WINSTON: What?

Babe, look, I'm in Mexico.
I came to see you.

-Are you serious?
-I miss you, Shelby.

You're so sexy, girl.
In or out of the wig.

I don't care. Shelby,

you make me feel so brave, babe,

and I've never felt like this
about anybody else before.

I love you.

And I carry your soul-song
with me wherever I go.

I love you, too.

I'm coming back, baby. No space!

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Are you traveling
with any non-U.S. citizens?

(LAUGHS)

You actually catch people with that line?

No, sir, just me and my American heart

full of love.

Then how do you explain...

(VEHICLE BEEPING)

...this?

-I can't, sir.
-Mmm-hmm.

(LAUGHS)

No one in the entire world
can explain that.

-(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)
-I am so tall!

I feel like a Chinese basketball player.

Russell?

-(SHRIEKS AND GRUNTS)
-(CROWD GASPS)

-Oh.
-(CROWD WHOOPING)

Hey, Jess.

JESS: I'm not Jess.

I'm her cousin... Sylvia?

Are you doing okay?

I want a donut.

Then let's get you a donut.

Please.

I want to talk to you. Alone.

Well, this is a fun group.

Hmm. Can you drop me
off at my dorm? It's called Hamilton.

I'd like to vomit now. (GRUNTS)

(GROANS) Yes!

(CHUCKLES)

I've never jumped out
of a moving car before!

That was badass!

-Hey, uh, kiddo.
-Okay.

-That's the road. You want the woods.
-What's up?

I want the woods. You're smart, Russ.

-Come here.
-Hey, it was nothing.

NICK: You're okay, Russ.

Okay, we can hug some more later.

This isn't her, you know.

She's not like us.

She's one of the good ones.

Time to make the puke, Russell.

SCHMIDT: So listen, man, it's...
it's really

important to us that
our completely equal sexual relationship

where neither one of us
has the upper hand,

uh, remain a secret,

and while I respect the fact

that you listen to Wicked
while you're alone,

(STAMMERS) I can use
that information against you

at any point in time.

By the way,
there's a stop sign right up...

Is that a stop sign?

SCHMIDT: You probably want
to slow down...

-CECE: Oh, my God.
-Maybe it's a go sign.

SCHMIDT: I don't think it's a go sign.

Because if somebody like you

is sleeping with somebody like her,

then maybe the whole damn
world is upside down!

It's just what I'm thinking.

(CHUCKLES, SNIFFLES)

And I want to talk to you.

I want to have a chance to explain.

That's okay. I understand.
I just... I thought

you wanted a sophisticated lady,
but now I realize that

you like dating younger girls 'cause
we think you're cool. And you know what?

It's working because

I think you're a hottie with a body.

Oh. Um...

I got to tell you, I didn't ask you out

because you're younger than me.

I asked you out because I like you.

But I... I've forgotten,
really, how... How to do this, you know.

I haven't dated since 1989

when I took her to the
picture show in my buggy.

1989 was, my friend,

the year that I learned
to use the toaster by myself.

(CHUCKLES)

The text I got at dinner
was from my ex-wife.

Sarah's with her this weekend,

I didn't pack her inhaler.

She was having an asthma attack.

-Is Sarah okay?
-Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks. I... I...

I just feel like I
should have explained.

And I really wanted to kiss you

-the other night.
-Really?

I wanted to do more than kiss you.

I'd like to do you, at some point.

-(LAUGHS)
-Like, you know, really,

-really give it to you good.
-(LAUGHS)

Uh, but I've forgotten how to tell

whether it's the right moment.

I was nervous.

You were nervous?

Nick was right.

He can be really wise sometimes.

NICK: (SHOUTING)
Oh, my God, it's happening!

It's coming! I think I'm dying!

I feel scared and excited!

(VOMITING)

(JESS LAUGHS)

What do you think?

What do I think of what?

Do you think now
is the right moment?

I think so.

Okay.

NICK: Get out of me, you poison!

-(NICK VOMITS)
-(LIQUID SPLASHES)

Wait. Is that your hand?

No.

That's my hand.

-Oh, my God!
-You're welcome.

Get out of here, Dirk!

(MUTTERING) You get out of here...

Come here.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(GROANS)

Hey!

(SOBBING) Oh, no!

Where are you guys?

-(PHONE RINGING)
-(SIGHS)

Hello?

NICK: Hey, where are you guys?

Hey, could I have walked
out into the mountains?

When does a hill
become a mountain?

(SOBS) It just happened.

I'm so cold.

DIRK: Who is this?

(SIGHS)

Oh, my God, Dirk is dead!

(SHOUTS) Dirk is dead!

(SOBBING)

Smartest guy I knew.