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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,669 --> 00:00:05,047 I can't believe Jess got me roller skates for Christmas. 2 00:00:05,130 --> 00:00:06,840 I feel so free. 3 00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:08,717 -Don't. -See this. 4 00:00:09,051 --> 00:00:10,302 "Merry Christmas, Brendan. 5 00:00:10,385 --> 00:00:12,012 "Don't swallow these. Love, Uncle Nick." 6 00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:13,889 It's a great gift. He's a 12-year-old kid. 7 00:00:13,972 --> 00:00:15,390 It's a bunch of tacks. He's going to love 'em. 8 00:00:15,474 --> 00:00:17,059 -Give it to me. -I hate Christmas. 9 00:00:17,142 --> 00:00:19,228 First of all, it means that Hanukkah is over. 10 00:00:19,311 --> 00:00:21,188 Second of all, I hate it when you guys leave and go home. 11 00:00:21,271 --> 00:00:22,314 When are you leaving? 12 00:00:22,397 --> 00:00:23,440 -I think 4:00 a.m. -Tomorrow at 3:00 p.m. 13 00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:24,900 -(SIGHS) -NICK: Is that it? 14 00:00:24,983 --> 00:00:25,984 Schmidt, don't worry about it, man. 15 00:00:26,068 --> 00:00:27,486 We're all gonna hang out tonight at your office party. 16 00:00:27,569 --> 00:00:30,072 Please tell me you're not dressing up like Santa this year. Are you? 17 00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:32,866 I'm the only man in the office. Of course I'm gonna dress up like Santa. 18 00:00:32,950 --> 00:00:33,951 Look, I like it. 19 00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:35,619 I get all this dirt on my coworkers. 20 00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:38,622 They get drunk and they whisper what they want for Christmas in my ear, 21 00:00:38,705 --> 00:00:41,166 and then I use that information to subtly undermine them 22 00:00:41,250 --> 00:00:42,793 and control them for the rest of the year. 23 00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,711 WINSTON: Ah, the true spirit of Christmas. 24 00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:47,798 Winston, you'd better watch it, man, because I will take you down. 25 00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:49,591 -Oh, you want to go? You want to go? -Yeah. 26 00:00:49,675 --> 00:00:50,968 -You're gonna take me down? -I had figure skating lessons 27 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:53,428 until I was 13, and then my mom sobered up 28 00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:55,472 and realized I was a boy. Let's do this. 29 00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:57,057 -You should not have said that. -NICK: Hey, guys. Guys! 30 00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:58,141 -Don't fight. -WINSTON: Let's go. 31 00:00:58,225 --> 00:00:59,601 You're wearing roller skates. 32 00:00:59,685 --> 00:01:00,853 -On the floor. -I'm telling you, man. 33 00:01:00,936 --> 00:01:02,062 Both of you, enough. Hey, hey. 34 00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:03,647 Nothing's smart about what you guys are doing. 35 00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:05,816 Why don't you both act like grown-ups? 36 00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:07,693 -No, no. -JESS: I need your help right now. 37 00:01:07,776 --> 00:01:10,279 I need you guys to get in my car and come with me to the mall 38 00:01:10,362 --> 00:01:12,948 'cause I really need to figure out what to buy Paul for... 39 00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:16,577 You guys are all wearing the holiday gifts I gave you. 40 00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:18,287 -No, I... -That is so sweet. 41 00:01:18,370 --> 00:01:19,496 I need to take a picture. 42 00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:20,747 Jess, don't take a photo right now. 43 00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:22,708 -So cute. -Don't do the photo. 44 00:01:22,791 --> 00:01:24,209 -Please, no pictures. -So cute, so cute. 45 00:01:24,293 --> 00:01:25,460 (SINGING) Who's that girl? 46 00:01:25,544 --> 00:01:26,795 Who's that girl? 47 00:01:26,879 --> 00:01:28,297 Who's that girl? 48 00:01:28,380 --> 00:01:30,465 -Who's that girl? -It's Jess! 49 00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:33,552 So why can't you figure out what to get your boyfriend Paul? 50 00:01:33,635 --> 00:01:35,512 I don't know. 51 00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:37,681 Maybe 'cause we've only been going out for, like, a month, 52 00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:39,474 so I know it's not something fancy. 53 00:01:39,558 --> 00:01:42,102 But do I get him a gag gift or do I get him something sweet? 54 00:01:42,186 --> 00:01:44,271 -I don't know. -Well, I think you got to figure out 55 00:01:44,354 --> 00:01:46,523 what you feel about him and then get a gift that reflects it. 56 00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:47,691 I think that's kind of the move. 57 00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:52,654 My initial thought was to get him a gift certificate for piping hot sex. 58 00:01:52,738 --> 00:01:53,780 Really... Oh, you're being serious? 59 00:01:53,864 --> 00:01:56,241 But I don't want him to think that I'm using him for his body. 60 00:01:56,325 --> 00:01:58,160 I'm sure he'd be okay with that. 61 00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:01,705 (CHUCKLES) "Nerdy weird sex that works for both of us." 62 00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:02,915 -Wait. Give it back. -This is amazing. 63 00:02:02,998 --> 00:02:04,458 -No, come on. -I'm gonna keep this. 64 00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:05,667 I'm gonna cash this in one night 65 00:02:05,751 --> 00:02:07,044 -and get some weird nerd sex with it. -No, but it's not for you. 66 00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:08,420 Oh, my God, thank you. 67 00:02:08,504 --> 00:02:09,880 Now I know what I'm getting my mom. 68 00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:11,965 -Oh, my God, Nick. -It's going right to my mom. 69 00:02:12,049 --> 00:02:14,218 Now, why do we have to go to this office party tonight? 70 00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:17,554 Because it's the last night before you guys go home to your families, 71 00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,264 and we got to blow this thing out, man. 72 00:02:19,348 --> 00:02:22,017 Plus, it'll be a good opportunity for you to do some networking. 73 00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:23,644 -Help with the job search. -(SIGHS) 74 00:02:23,727 --> 00:02:25,187 I'm telling you, everybody's hitting the nog, 75 00:02:25,270 --> 00:02:26,897 having a good time, letting loose. 76 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:30,108 You swoop in there, and then boom, new job, man. 77 00:02:30,192 --> 00:02:31,735 That's how things work. 78 00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:34,696 You know, Benjamins in your pocket, La Pen-si-own, 79 00:02:34,780 --> 00:02:37,032 little four-to-the-oh- to-the-one-to-the-kay. 80 00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:38,951 You're making me want to stay broke. 81 00:02:39,409 --> 00:02:40,702 So what'd you get Paul? 82 00:02:40,786 --> 00:02:43,622 I'm not telling you, but, um, I'll give you a hint. 83 00:02:43,705 --> 00:02:44,706 It's fuzzy. 84 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:46,458 Well, I hope you didn't listen to Nick. 85 00:02:46,542 --> 00:02:48,085 He's the worst gift giver ever. 86 00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:54,842 You're welcome. 87 00:02:56,385 --> 00:02:57,553 Where are we, Jess? 88 00:02:57,636 --> 00:02:59,763 JESS: We are on Candy Cane Lane. 89 00:02:59,847 --> 00:03:02,432 At night, the whole block lights up with Christmas decorations. 90 00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:03,809 It's so beautiful. 91 00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:06,061 Oh, my God, it's so beautiful. 92 00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:08,897 (IN BRITISH ACCENT) What fun, what wonderful fun. 93 00:03:08,981 --> 00:03:10,691 Okay, whatever. 94 00:03:10,774 --> 00:03:13,694 We have to come back later 'cause you'll see what I'm talking about. 95 00:03:13,777 --> 00:03:14,903 Oh, no, we're not gonna have time. 96 00:03:14,987 --> 00:03:16,613 We have to go straight from the party to the airport. 97 00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:17,990 -No. -Yes, I've missed my flight 98 00:03:18,073 --> 00:03:19,533 four years in a row. 99 00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:21,451 If I miss it this year, my mom's gonna kill me. 100 00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:23,579 Schmidt, it's a menorah, for you. 101 00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:26,290 Oh, a menorah. 102 00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:27,875 Judaism, son. 103 00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:34,965 (CHUCKLING) Hey. Hi. 104 00:03:35,591 --> 00:03:36,758 You look awesome. 105 00:03:36,842 --> 00:03:39,219 It's a before and after for a Bolivian diet pill. 106 00:03:39,303 --> 00:03:41,013 El Glatrax? Yeah, I've taken that. 107 00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:42,347 I'm "before." 108 00:03:42,431 --> 00:03:44,141 Su... Sure, you are. Look at that. 109 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:46,226 So you said you wanted to see me for something? 110 00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:49,104 Yes, I brought you a gift. 111 00:03:49,188 --> 00:03:52,107 I hope you appreciate that I have kept eye contact with you this whole time 112 00:03:52,191 --> 00:03:54,359 and made no reference to the fact that you are basically naked. 113 00:03:54,443 --> 00:03:55,611 Very proud of you, Schmidt. 114 00:03:55,694 --> 00:03:57,279 MAN: Hey, sweetie. Hey. 115 00:03:59,323 --> 00:04:01,742 Oh, lot of tongue. 116 00:04:01,825 --> 00:04:03,368 -Done with her hair? -With her... 117 00:04:03,452 --> 00:04:04,578 No, I'm not the hair guy, man. 118 00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:06,955 Oh, no, no, no. This is my very good friend Schmidt, 119 00:04:07,039 --> 00:04:09,458 and he just came by to bring me a gift, so... 120 00:04:10,709 --> 00:04:12,044 It's perfume. 121 00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:15,047 Why does it say "Cecilia Number 5"? 122 00:04:15,130 --> 00:04:17,424 Actually, it says that because... (STUTTERS) You know, I ma... 123 00:04:17,508 --> 00:04:19,176 I made it specifically for you. 124 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:20,511 Yeah, I found this place on Third Street 125 00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,429 where you can design your own perfume. 126 00:04:22,513 --> 00:04:25,390 Base notes of cocoa because of your brown, uh... 127 00:04:25,849 --> 00:04:26,850 Ness. 128 00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:29,478 Sea salt, because it kind of sounds like Cece. 129 00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:31,438 Uh, and sandalwood... 130 00:04:31,522 --> 00:04:34,274 Sandalwood... (CHUCKLES) Always up to no good. 131 00:04:35,817 --> 00:04:37,819 -That's, um... -Ha! 132 00:04:38,904 --> 00:04:40,322 -Thank you. -Yeah. 133 00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:42,199 -Thanks. -Neat. 134 00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:43,575 Let's get back to work. 135 00:04:44,034 --> 00:04:46,161 Yeah. Okay, um... 136 00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:48,372 -I'll see you tonight. -Yeah. 137 00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:50,749 -Yeah, I'll just... I'll see you there. -We'll do that. 138 00:04:52,543 --> 00:04:54,336 BOTH: Three, two, one. 139 00:04:54,419 --> 00:04:55,420 Go. 140 00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:56,505 -Envelope. -(CHUCKLES) 141 00:04:56,588 --> 00:04:57,631 -Festive bag. -I was afraid 142 00:04:57,714 --> 00:04:59,800 you were going to get me jewelry, so... 143 00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:02,219 -Oh, no. -What is it? 144 00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:03,720 Oh, my God. 145 00:05:04,513 --> 00:05:10,310 Oh, my God, two tickets to Vienna and passes to the Salzburg Music Festival? 146 00:05:10,394 --> 00:05:12,145 That's, like, incredible. I'm... 147 00:05:12,229 --> 00:05:13,814 -You're gonna love it. -Speechless. 148 00:05:13,897 --> 00:05:17,192 And, um, all I got you was... 149 00:05:17,276 --> 00:05:21,697 "Anatomically correct heart of a 50-year-old nonsmoker." 150 00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:24,283 (TOY HEART BEATING) 151 00:05:26,243 --> 00:05:27,286 -(LAUGHING) -You know what? 152 00:05:27,369 --> 00:05:29,830 Normally I'm, like, really good at giving gifts, 153 00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:33,584 and I thought that was romantic, but it's just...so creepy. 154 00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,669 I... I'm sorry, I have to get you something better. 155 00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:37,546 No, it's great. I love it. 156 00:05:37,629 --> 00:05:42,676 It's funny and... And quirky, and... And so sweet. 157 00:05:43,302 --> 00:05:44,553 It's like you. 158 00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:46,138 And that's why I love it. 159 00:05:46,430 --> 00:05:47,431 I love it. 160 00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:48,974 Thank you, I love it. 161 00:05:49,308 --> 00:05:50,434 I... 162 00:05:51,185 --> 00:05:52,561 I love you. 163 00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:02,362 Thank you. 164 00:06:05,282 --> 00:06:06,658 You're very welcome. 165 00:06:06,742 --> 00:06:08,368 You're welcome. 166 00:06:08,452 --> 00:06:09,703 (TOY HEART BEATING) 167 00:06:17,002 --> 00:06:18,420 NICK: Look at you, all dressed up. 168 00:06:18,504 --> 00:06:19,838 What, are you in The Temptations tonight? 169 00:06:19,922 --> 00:06:23,008 That's so cute, Nick. You're intimidated by my style. 170 00:06:23,091 --> 00:06:25,719 But I'll tell you what, one of us is walking out of here with a job. 171 00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:26,887 Where you going? 172 00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:29,056 -You wore my present. -I did. 173 00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:31,099 -Thank you, I love it. -Yay! 174 00:06:31,183 --> 00:06:33,602 She's seen it now, so maybe you can take it off. 175 00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:35,687 -You look like a man. -I know, right? 176 00:06:35,771 --> 00:06:38,106 -That's what's freaking me out. -Good humor and fun... God forbid. 177 00:06:38,190 --> 00:06:39,525 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 178 00:06:39,608 --> 00:06:41,568 WINSTON: Is that Schmidt? NICK: Ugh. 179 00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:43,237 What the... 180 00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:45,822 -Hey, guys! -KIM: Whoa, whoa! 181 00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:48,367 Schmidt, Santa voice. This isn't temple. 182 00:06:48,659 --> 00:06:50,160 Ho, ho, ho. 183 00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:53,455 Are those my shorts? 184 00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:56,250 (EXHALES) 185 00:07:00,045 --> 00:07:02,047 -NICK: Hey, what's wrong, Jess? -Hey, Nick. 186 00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:05,342 Paul told me he loved me. 187 00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,594 -Mmm. -And I couldn't say it back, 188 00:07:07,678 --> 00:07:10,597 so I, um, said, "Thank you..." 189 00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,975 Which was horrible. 190 00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:17,563 I don't know what to do because I am always the one who loves more. 191 00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:19,231 That's my thing. 192 00:07:19,314 --> 00:07:20,816 One time I went on a date 193 00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:23,861 and by 11:00 p.m., I gave the guy my ATM code. 194 00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:24,945 What is your ATM code? 195 00:07:25,028 --> 00:07:26,154 42... 196 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:27,531 Very funny. 197 00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,408 Very good try, but no. 198 00:07:29,491 --> 00:07:30,617 Not a try, I got it. 199 00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:33,412 If you don't have feelings for Paul, you got to tell him. 200 00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:35,622 I can't do that to someone on Christmas. 201 00:07:35,706 --> 00:07:36,915 And then it's New Year's. 202 00:07:36,999 --> 00:07:41,003 Then it's going to be Valentine's Day, and then, whoa, it's Presidents' Day. 203 00:07:41,086 --> 00:07:43,797 Hard to argue with that logic, but just tell him. 204 00:07:43,881 --> 00:07:46,049 Don't lead him on. You'll just hurt him more. 205 00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:48,260 Okay. 206 00:07:48,719 --> 00:07:50,721 I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna tell him. 207 00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,097 -You are? -Yeah. 208 00:07:56,101 --> 00:07:58,145 JESS: Hey, what are you doing in here? 209 00:07:59,855 --> 00:08:01,148 Kyle's being a jerk. 210 00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:02,399 What are you doing in here? 211 00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:05,068 Eating cookies and avoiding confrontation. 212 00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:07,571 Remember when Christmas used to be fun and all I had to do was worry 213 00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:10,657 -about my drunk uncle asking me out? -Yes, Uncle Pardeep. 214 00:08:10,741 --> 00:08:13,285 -He thought I was a boy. -Such a weirdo. 215 00:08:13,744 --> 00:08:15,412 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 216 00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:20,667 Okay. 217 00:08:26,131 --> 00:08:27,508 -Hey, man. -Hey. 218 00:08:28,258 --> 00:08:29,885 -How you doing, Paul? -Good. 219 00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:31,887 Has Jess not talked to you? 220 00:08:32,262 --> 00:08:33,388 Oh, yeah, no, we talked. 221 00:08:33,472 --> 00:08:34,973 -She did? Okay. -Yeah, yeah. No, I... 222 00:08:35,057 --> 00:08:37,392 Yeah, it's hard, you know. It's really tricky. 223 00:08:37,476 --> 00:08:40,312 It's like she doesn't love you right now, Paul, 224 00:08:40,395 --> 00:08:42,773 but that's not to say she might not fall in love with you later. 225 00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,775 I think that's the positive way of looking at it, 226 00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:47,277 but it's hard, man, believe me. 227 00:08:47,361 --> 00:08:48,779 We talk... 228 00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:52,241 Talked about how we might have to drive you to the airport 229 00:08:52,324 --> 00:08:53,992 'cause you're gonna miss your flight. 230 00:08:55,661 --> 00:08:58,664 Yeah, that was probably all you guys talked about, so I'm joking. 231 00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:00,832 -W... Wait a minute. -Because she hasn't... 232 00:09:00,916 --> 00:09:03,418 -Wait a minute... -Yeah, I know. Guess what, Paul. 233 00:09:03,502 --> 00:09:05,295 Don't even think right now. I'm drunk. 234 00:09:05,379 --> 00:09:07,673 -Did...Jess tell you... -I'm so drunk. 235 00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:10,133 -That she doesn't love me? -What's happ... No, shut up, you goofball. 236 00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:12,469 I'm... This conversation didn't happen. 237 00:09:12,553 --> 00:09:14,054 Did Jess tell you she doesn't love me? 238 00:09:18,016 --> 00:09:19,434 Joke. 239 00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:23,313 But he's the best guy, Cece. 240 00:09:23,397 --> 00:09:25,023 Maybe I should just make it work. 241 00:09:25,107 --> 00:09:29,278 Yeah, no, Jess, you can't just dive into something like this right now. 242 00:09:29,778 --> 00:09:33,115 Yeah, I just wish I could stay in this bathroom all night. 243 00:09:33,198 --> 00:09:34,241 -(TOILET FLUSHES) -Me, too. 244 00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:35,617 (GRUNTING) 245 00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:41,164 WOMAN: Whoo, that eggnog is deadly. (LAUGHS) 246 00:09:43,709 --> 00:09:44,877 (CHUCKLES) We got to get out of here. 247 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,295 Yeah, we do. 248 00:09:46,378 --> 00:09:49,173 I should just put it off till later, after the holidays. 249 00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:50,257 You coming? 250 00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:52,551 Yeah, I'll be out in a sec. Uh... 251 00:09:52,634 --> 00:09:54,094 Kyle wants to go to this party. 252 00:09:54,178 --> 00:09:56,805 Ugh, Kyle is the living worst. 253 00:09:56,889 --> 00:09:58,015 Yeah, I know. 254 00:09:58,098 --> 00:09:59,933 Did he even get you a gift? 255 00:10:01,727 --> 00:10:02,811 No. 256 00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:12,279 (SNIFFS) 257 00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:13,655 (COUGHS VIOLENTLY) 258 00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:16,617 Who wants to sit at a desk all day? 259 00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:18,660 Not me. I don't want to have to do that. 260 00:10:18,744 --> 00:10:20,871 I don't want to call Wednesday "hump day." 261 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,831 I don't even know how to network. 262 00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:25,751 So what's your deal, man? 263 00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:27,169 Why are you sitting here by yourself? 264 00:10:27,252 --> 00:10:29,338 Mommy won't let me sit in Santa's lap. 265 00:10:29,421 --> 00:10:31,131 (CHUCKLES) You have a smart mommy. 266 00:10:31,215 --> 00:10:32,216 WOMAN: Yeah. 267 00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:34,968 Hi, I'm the genius who brought my kid to this Christmas party. 268 00:10:35,052 --> 00:10:38,013 Looking forward to years of therapy over Dirty Santa. 269 00:10:38,472 --> 00:10:40,057 I can't believe that he's even talking to you. 270 00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:41,183 He doesn't like anyone. 271 00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:42,893 Yeah, I don't like anyone. 272 00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,144 Yeah, but we're really working on that. 273 00:10:44,228 --> 00:10:45,562 No, she's working on that. 274 00:10:45,646 --> 00:10:46,980 (LAUGHS) 275 00:10:47,773 --> 00:10:48,982 WINSTON: My man. 276 00:10:49,066 --> 00:10:50,192 CECE: Okay? KYLE: You think it's fun? 277 00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:51,318 -Do it. -I do think it's fun. 278 00:10:51,401 --> 00:10:52,569 Do it then. 279 00:10:52,653 --> 00:10:53,737 Do it. 280 00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:56,323 Okay. 281 00:10:57,658 --> 00:10:58,909 What are you doing, Santa? 282 00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:01,286 -I have a really bad case of Santa lap. -Mmm. 283 00:11:01,370 --> 00:11:03,288 The entire marketing department is wearing wool. 284 00:11:03,372 --> 00:11:05,040 It's not good down there. 285 00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:06,834 Well, get back to work soon. 286 00:11:06,917 --> 00:11:08,919 -Boom! -Ow! Why would you... 287 00:11:09,670 --> 00:11:11,171 There are so many bobby pins up there. 288 00:11:11,255 --> 00:11:13,799 -Everything's attached... -Does she always talk to you like that? 289 00:11:13,882 --> 00:11:15,133 Yeah, kind of. 290 00:11:15,217 --> 00:11:17,261 You like dressing up like Santa? 291 00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:18,929 Sexy Santa. 292 00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,848 No. The truth is, no, I don't. 293 00:11:20,931 --> 00:11:22,933 You know, you don't deserve to be treated like that. 294 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,142 You just got to tell her no. 295 00:11:24,226 --> 00:11:27,437 Otherwise, all she'll do is see you as a pretty face and a hot body. 296 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,106 I'm sorry, what was that? 297 00:11:29,648 --> 00:11:31,066 -You have a pretty face. -No, no, no, the... 298 00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:32,317 'Cause the second part. 299 00:11:32,401 --> 00:11:34,027 And then I'd like you to say it, like, in an accent, 300 00:11:34,111 --> 00:11:35,779 -but make direct eye contact. -Yes, Schmidt, 301 00:11:35,863 --> 00:11:36,989 do not push your luck with me. 302 00:11:38,115 --> 00:11:40,075 -(SNIFFS) -What's that smell? 303 00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:41,660 That's your perfume. 304 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:43,036 You wore it? 305 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,746 Yeah, and it smells terrible. 306 00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:45,914 Ha! 307 00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:49,042 It does smell terrible. It's like a dirty dish towel. 308 00:11:49,126 --> 00:11:50,377 KIM: Santa voice! 309 00:11:51,420 --> 00:11:52,963 Please just tell me what she said. 310 00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:55,507 She said the sex is really great, 311 00:11:55,591 --> 00:11:57,384 but she just doesn't want to jump into anything. 312 00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:59,386 -Why am I talking about this? -Oh, my God, 313 00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:01,388 the sex is great, it's amazing. 314 00:12:01,471 --> 00:12:03,599 -Great. -We had amazing sex this morning, 315 00:12:03,682 --> 00:12:05,517 and then we ate taro chips. 316 00:12:06,185 --> 00:12:08,520 -Oh, my God. Oh, no. -Oh, God. I... 317 00:12:08,604 --> 00:12:11,815 I feel like such a terrible guy for saying that to you, man. 318 00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:13,817 -Oh, my God. -You're a good guy, Genzlinger. 319 00:12:13,901 --> 00:12:15,527 Hey, man, just let it go. 320 00:12:15,611 --> 00:12:17,738 You know what I mean? Just let it brush off your shoulders, dude. 321 00:12:17,821 --> 00:12:18,822 PAUL: Oh, man. 322 00:12:18,906 --> 00:12:20,616 -NICK: What has happened to my life? -Hey. 323 00:12:22,117 --> 00:12:23,660 Why are you guys hugging? 324 00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:25,537 -Just guy-talkin'. -Okay. Yeah. 325 00:12:25,621 --> 00:12:27,206 -Yeah? -(CHUCKLES) Everything's fine. 326 00:12:27,289 --> 00:12:29,082 -We're just talking. -Just talking. 327 00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:30,292 About, uh... 328 00:12:30,834 --> 00:12:34,630 How moved we are by jazz music. 329 00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:36,632 That's a lie. 330 00:12:37,132 --> 00:12:38,800 I told him you didn't love him, Jess. 331 00:12:38,884 --> 00:12:39,885 -What? -Because I... 332 00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:42,846 -But he said it nicely. -What? Are you kidding me? 333 00:12:42,930 --> 00:12:44,556 -It's not your information to share. -I totally agree, and I regret it. 334 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:45,766 -It is not your information... -You guys... 335 00:12:45,849 --> 00:12:47,059 -Why would you do that? -I apologize. 336 00:12:47,142 --> 00:12:49,102 -You guys have a lot to do. I'm sorry. -Nick. Nick. 337 00:12:50,020 --> 00:12:51,188 JESS: Oh, my God. 338 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,106 Please! This is my nightmare! 339 00:12:54,066 --> 00:12:55,234 Winston! 340 00:12:55,317 --> 00:12:56,568 Schmidt! 341 00:12:56,652 --> 00:12:58,403 Help me! 342 00:13:02,366 --> 00:13:04,451 Paul, I really care about you. 343 00:13:04,535 --> 00:13:05,744 I think I just... 344 00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:08,080 I think I just feel really overwhelmed. 345 00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:10,832 Yeah. Yeah, I know. Nicholas told m... 346 00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:12,251 -(DOOR RATTLING) -NICK: Damn it. 347 00:13:12,334 --> 00:13:14,461 Hey, guys, just pretend I'm not here, 348 00:13:14,545 --> 00:13:16,004 and just do whatever you two guys are doing. 349 00:13:16,088 --> 00:13:17,840 I'm not here. I'm not even listening. 350 00:13:18,048 --> 00:13:19,716 (GRUNTS) This is my nightmare. 351 00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:22,261 I... I knew you were getting out of a long relationship. 352 00:13:22,344 --> 00:13:23,428 -You told me all about Spencer. -(MOUTHING) 353 00:13:23,512 --> 00:13:24,513 PAUL: I just thought... 354 00:13:24,596 --> 00:13:26,515 I thought we were feeling the same things for each other. 355 00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:27,975 You... You seemed like you were. 356 00:13:28,058 --> 00:13:30,185 -I was. I just... -(DOOR RATTLING) 357 00:13:30,894 --> 00:13:34,439 I feel like maybe you were feeling them a little bit more than me. 358 00:13:34,523 --> 00:13:35,566 -(DOOR RATTLING) -Nick! 359 00:13:35,649 --> 00:13:38,110 You started this. Sit down and be quiet! 360 00:13:41,113 --> 00:13:44,241 I just... I got really hurt, and I... 361 00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:46,785 I'm trying really hard not to get hurt again. 362 00:13:46,869 --> 00:13:48,662 -(LIVELY LATIN MUSIC PLAYING) -PAUL: I'm not gonna hurt you. 363 00:13:49,913 --> 00:13:51,540 -(MUSIC CONTINUES) -Oh. 364 00:13:52,457 --> 00:13:53,667 Oh... 365 00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:55,544 I am so sorry. 366 00:13:55,961 --> 00:13:58,172 This is as rude as it gets. 367 00:13:58,380 --> 00:14:00,465 It is my mom, though. 368 00:14:00,549 --> 00:14:02,926 -(MUSIC STOPS) -I... Hey, Ma. How you doing? 369 00:14:03,010 --> 00:14:06,138 I can't talk right now. I'm in a real weird situation. 370 00:14:06,221 --> 00:14:07,890 -MRS. MILLER: Are you high? -(LAUGHS) No, Ma, I'm not high. 371 00:14:07,973 --> 00:14:09,516 I'm done with that phase. 372 00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:12,227 I promise you I won't miss my flight. 373 00:14:12,311 --> 00:14:14,146 Okay. I love you, Mama. Bye. 374 00:14:14,813 --> 00:14:16,356 -You done? -Mmm-hmm. 375 00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:19,526 Can we just... 376 00:14:20,319 --> 00:14:23,280 can we just keep going but take it a little bit slow? 377 00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:25,157 I... I don't know if I can do that. 378 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,743 I don't know how with you. 379 00:14:27,826 --> 00:14:29,328 I just... It's just not how I feel. 380 00:14:29,411 --> 00:14:31,163 Well, all she's asking you to do is slow it down a little bit. 381 00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:32,414 -How's that hard? -Nick. 382 00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:33,665 Yeah. 383 00:14:33,790 --> 00:14:36,335 -(WOMEN LAUGHING) -All right, everybody leave the room. 384 00:14:36,418 --> 00:14:37,836 I need to talk to Kim. 385 00:14:38,170 --> 00:14:39,463 Okay, you know what? 386 00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:42,299 Actually, stay. This'll be good for you guys to hear this, too. 387 00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:43,967 -Why d... Don't... -WOMAN: Come on. (SCOFFS) 388 00:14:44,051 --> 00:14:46,762 -I just told... -There are two hours left in this party. 389 00:14:46,845 --> 00:14:48,138 What are you doing, Santa? 390 00:14:48,222 --> 00:14:50,265 Kim, I'm not gonna be Sexy Santa anymore. 391 00:14:50,349 --> 00:14:53,268 It's over. Santa's dead. I killed him. 392 00:14:53,769 --> 00:14:54,895 (SCREAMS) 393 00:14:54,978 --> 00:14:55,979 KIM: Oh, my God. 394 00:14:56,063 --> 00:14:58,357 No, no, no, don't worry. That's just Gina's cowardly son. 395 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:00,234 He is a scream machine. 396 00:15:00,317 --> 00:15:02,194 Kim, I'm not a sex object, all right? 397 00:15:02,277 --> 00:15:03,820 I'm your employee. 398 00:15:03,904 --> 00:15:05,239 And I work harder than anyone. 399 00:15:05,322 --> 00:15:07,324 I'm the first one to show up every morning. 400 00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:09,576 -No, you're not. -There's never a parking space. 401 00:15:09,660 --> 00:15:10,827 That's because everyone's already here, Nick. 402 00:15:10,911 --> 00:15:11,995 Okay, you're so off topic right now. 403 00:15:12,079 --> 00:15:13,330 -You're missing the point. -What? 404 00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:15,457 You need to take me seriously, Kim. 405 00:15:15,541 --> 00:15:18,836 Does that mean no more... Sexy Easter Bunny? 406 00:15:18,919 --> 00:15:19,962 No more Sexy Easter Bunny. 407 00:15:20,045 --> 00:15:22,381 What about, uh, Cinco de Sexy? 408 00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:23,590 No Cinco de Sexy. 409 00:15:23,674 --> 00:15:25,133 And no Sexy Martin Luther King? 410 00:15:25,217 --> 00:15:26,385 I could never get the voice, 411 00:15:26,468 --> 00:15:28,262 I never really felt like I had the authority... 412 00:15:28,345 --> 00:15:30,514 I can't believe it took you five years to say that. 413 00:15:31,306 --> 00:15:34,560 Well, I guess I'm gonna have to be Sexy Santa next year. 414 00:15:34,643 --> 00:15:36,228 Yeah, just got to jingle bell rock. 415 00:15:36,311 --> 00:15:37,813 You know what I mean? 416 00:15:37,896 --> 00:15:39,731 That is so inappropriate. 417 00:15:39,815 --> 00:15:41,608 I get it... So you can dish it out, but you can't take it. 418 00:15:42,693 --> 00:15:43,694 Yeah, how's that feel, Kim? 419 00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:46,572 I like it. 420 00:15:47,823 --> 00:15:49,783 Both these machines need toner. 421 00:15:50,492 --> 00:15:52,953 They need... I'm gonna put the toner in the... 422 00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:54,371 In the machine. 423 00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:57,875 Mrs. Miller, I told you, I will get Nick to his flight on time. 424 00:15:57,958 --> 00:15:58,959 No worries. 425 00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:00,544 I can't find Elvin. I've looked everywhere. 426 00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:02,671 -I... I have no idea. -Uh, you know what? 427 00:16:02,754 --> 00:16:04,715 I got to go. Um, I'm sure he's around here somewhere. 428 00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:06,175 -We'll find him. -Elvin! 429 00:16:06,258 --> 00:16:08,969 I'll tell you what, you go that way, I'll go that way. 430 00:16:09,052 --> 00:16:10,846 This is Schmidt's fault. I don't know how, but it is. 431 00:16:10,929 --> 00:16:12,014 Elvin? 432 00:16:12,097 --> 00:16:13,682 I'm sorry, Jess, I just... 433 00:16:14,099 --> 00:16:16,560 I don't want to slow down...with you. 434 00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:19,229 It's just not natural. So if you need to, then... 435 00:16:19,313 --> 00:16:21,106 I don't think I can do this anymore. 436 00:16:24,735 --> 00:16:25,903 Okay. 437 00:16:26,945 --> 00:16:28,447 Come on, Paul! 438 00:16:28,822 --> 00:16:30,073 It's Christmas! 439 00:16:30,157 --> 00:16:31,658 -Don't break up with her... -Hey, Nick... 440 00:16:31,742 --> 00:16:33,285 (WHISPERS) It's okay. 441 00:16:33,785 --> 00:16:34,912 (ALL SIGH) 442 00:16:36,121 --> 00:16:37,706 Hey, have you guys seen a little kid running around here? 443 00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:39,041 (NICK CHUCKLING) 444 00:16:42,211 --> 00:16:43,295 Thank you. 445 00:16:52,554 --> 00:16:55,307 Ah. I see you found Santa's house. 446 00:16:55,766 --> 00:16:56,934 I was looking for it. 447 00:16:57,017 --> 00:16:59,186 The man with no shirt killed Santa. 448 00:16:59,269 --> 00:17:01,188 (LAUGHS) Oh, you mean Schmidt. 449 00:17:01,271 --> 00:17:03,065 Well, he was just dressing up like Santa. 450 00:17:03,148 --> 00:17:04,775 Then why didn't he have a shirt? 451 00:17:04,858 --> 00:17:07,444 You know, we ask ourselves that question every single day. 452 00:17:07,528 --> 00:17:10,280 Is it because he's a D-bag? Mommy says he's a D-bag. 453 00:17:10,364 --> 00:17:12,533 (CHUCKLES) You know something? 454 00:17:12,616 --> 00:17:14,326 You're a really smart kid. 455 00:17:14,409 --> 00:17:17,621 And for that, Santa's gonna bring you extra presents this year. 456 00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,498 -Really? -Yeah. 457 00:17:19,581 --> 00:17:20,791 Thank you, LeBron. 458 00:17:22,501 --> 00:17:23,877 Okay, cool, I'll be him. 459 00:17:23,961 --> 00:17:24,962 You found him! 460 00:17:25,045 --> 00:17:26,880 -(CHUCKLES) Yeah. -Hi! 461 00:17:27,548 --> 00:17:29,091 (WHISPERS) Extra gifts this year. 462 00:17:29,174 --> 00:17:31,677 You're really good at this. Seriously. 463 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:34,304 If you ever want to hang out with Elvin again... 464 00:17:35,097 --> 00:17:36,515 I will pay you a lot of money. 465 00:17:36,598 --> 00:17:37,683 Let's go. 466 00:17:38,642 --> 00:17:39,685 A lot. 467 00:17:39,768 --> 00:17:40,936 Thank you. 468 00:17:41,019 --> 00:17:44,815 Like, whatever you're thinking, add money to that, 'cause that's what I... 469 00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:46,441 -Like, a lot. -(ELVIN CHUCKLES) 470 00:17:46,525 --> 00:17:48,235 -Bye, Elvin. -Bye, LeBron. 471 00:17:49,486 --> 00:17:50,612 -Yep. -(CELL PHONE VIBRATING) 472 00:17:53,282 --> 00:17:54,491 (CHUCKLES) 473 00:17:55,367 --> 00:17:56,743 What up, Mrs. Miller? 474 00:17:57,244 --> 00:18:00,289 Yes, yes. Actually, we're on our way right now, so just go back to sleep. 475 00:18:00,372 --> 00:18:02,082 We're getting Nick to the airport, okay? 476 00:18:02,416 --> 00:18:04,585 WINSTON: What kind of airline has flights that leave at 4:00 a.m.? 477 00:18:04,668 --> 00:18:06,628 NICK: Oh, the kind that I can afford. 478 00:18:06,712 --> 00:18:08,088 Actually, what's that smell? 479 00:18:08,172 --> 00:18:10,090 -It's nothing. Oh. -That's my perfume. 480 00:18:10,174 --> 00:18:12,467 (GROANS) Oh, God, that is bad. 481 00:18:12,843 --> 00:18:16,096 But the weird kind of bad that makes you want to smell it again. (SNIFFS) 482 00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:22,895 Okay, there's something that we got to do. 483 00:18:22,978 --> 00:18:24,104 -Sorry. -(TIRES SCREECH) 484 00:18:24,188 --> 00:18:26,607 -SCHMIDT: What are you doing, man! -(OTHERS SPEAKING AT ONCE) 485 00:18:26,690 --> 00:18:27,941 SCHMIDT: Hold on, you're going in the wrong direction! 486 00:18:28,025 --> 00:18:30,068 WINSTON: You do this every single year, man! 487 00:18:32,487 --> 00:18:34,281 I think we're too late, Nick. 488 00:18:34,364 --> 00:18:36,658 Yeah, this was supposed to be your gift, Jess. 489 00:18:36,742 --> 00:18:38,577 I screwed it up. 490 00:18:38,660 --> 00:18:39,661 I'm sorry. 491 00:18:39,995 --> 00:18:41,371 (ENGINE TURNS OFF) 492 00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:46,126 Candy Cane Lane is shut down! 493 00:18:46,668 --> 00:18:48,712 Should've got her perfume, man. 494 00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:50,088 Nice, Schmidt. 495 00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:56,929 -Man. -Yeah. 496 00:18:58,055 --> 00:19:01,141 I have the worst timing. (SIGHS) 497 00:19:02,643 --> 00:19:04,686 I'm always in the wrong place at the wrong time. 498 00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:10,567 -Let's go. We should go. -No, we don't... 499 00:19:11,985 --> 00:19:12,986 Jess, no. 500 00:19:13,070 --> 00:19:14,446 It's Christmas. It's our Christmas. 501 00:19:14,530 --> 00:19:16,323 We came here to see the lights. 502 00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:18,575 JESS: Well, what are we gonna do? 503 00:19:19,618 --> 00:19:22,079 WINSTON: Yeah, what are you doing? JESS: What are you doing? 504 00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:23,580 -Nick, come on, man, get in the car. -It's 2:00 a.m. 505 00:19:23,664 --> 00:19:24,665 Why would they turn them off? 506 00:19:24,748 --> 00:19:25,749 -It doesn't make sense to me. -Nick! 507 00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:27,417 -We don't got time for this. -(KNOCKING) 508 00:19:27,501 --> 00:19:28,710 Excuse me, guys? 509 00:19:28,794 --> 00:19:29,795 Oh, hell, no! 510 00:19:29,878 --> 00:19:32,756 Excuse me, we got a girl out here who'd really like to see the lights! 511 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:34,591 Sorry to wake you! This is rude! 512 00:19:34,675 --> 00:19:37,135 -(DOGS BARKING) -Make it the Candy Cane Lane or whatever! 513 00:19:37,219 --> 00:19:41,515 You spend all this time to show off and do it, so show off, you got an audience! 514 00:19:41,598 --> 00:19:43,350 -(LAUGHING) -This whole neighborhood is ridiculous! 515 00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:45,936 You all show off, so turn on the lights! 516 00:19:46,186 --> 00:19:48,272 Just go in the shed or whatever and turn 517 00:19:48,355 --> 00:19:49,982 -your damn lights on, you show-offs! -Come on, come on. 518 00:19:50,065 --> 00:19:51,859 -Turn on your lights! -Turn on the lights! Come on! 519 00:19:51,942 --> 00:19:53,235 Turn on your lights! 520 00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:54,528 (OTHERS SHOUTING) 521 00:19:54,611 --> 00:19:57,030 WINSTON: Lights! CECE: Turn on your lights! 522 00:19:57,114 --> 00:19:59,199 -Turn on your lights! -NICK: Yes! Turn on your lights! 523 00:19:59,283 --> 00:20:01,952 -Turn on your lights! -(ALL SHOUTING) 524 00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:03,620 -Turn on the lights, everybody! -(CHRISTMAS SONG PLAYING) 525 00:20:03,704 --> 00:20:07,791 I'll be home for Christmas 526 00:20:07,875 --> 00:20:09,918 (ALL CONTINUE SHOUTING) 527 00:20:10,002 --> 00:20:14,131 You can count on me 528 00:20:14,214 --> 00:20:16,466 -ALL: Oh! Oh! -(HAPPY SHOUTS) 529 00:20:18,468 --> 00:20:25,475 Please have snow and mistletoe 530 00:20:25,559 --> 00:20:28,854 And presents on the tree 531 00:20:28,937 --> 00:20:30,314 Oh, my God! 532 00:20:31,356 --> 00:20:33,942 -(WHOOPING, SHOUTING) -JESS: Yes! Yes! 533 00:20:34,526 --> 00:20:41,533 Christmas Eve will find me... 534 00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:45,787 Merry Christmas! 535 00:20:45,871 --> 00:20:47,956 -Merry Christmas! -Merry Christmas, boys! 536 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:50,918 -Merry Christmas, everyone! -Merry Hanukkah! 537 00:20:52,628 --> 00:20:54,505 -Merry Christmas! -(LAUGHTER) 538 00:20:55,088 --> 00:20:57,174 -(SONG CONTINUES PLAYING) -MAN: Merry Christmas! 539 00:20:57,257 --> 00:21:00,052 Now stop yelling before I call the cops! 540 00:21:00,135 --> 00:21:01,386 Oh, my God. 541 00:21:02,930 --> 00:21:05,182 SCHMIDT: Appreciate your Christmas, buddy. 542 00:21:06,225 --> 00:21:07,392 (LAUGHING) 543 00:21:07,476 --> 00:21:10,103 Candy Cane Lane is the crème de la crème 544 00:21:10,187 --> 00:21:12,814 -of decorated streets. -CECE: It is...amazing. 545 00:21:12,898 --> 00:21:15,359 -Hey, Ma! How are you? -WINSTON: Shh! It's his mom. 546 00:21:15,442 --> 00:21:18,070 Yeah. No, I'm gonna miss my flight. 547 00:21:18,153 --> 00:21:19,613 -Yeah, I'm sorry. No. -(MRS. MILLER SHOUTING) 548 00:21:19,696 --> 00:21:22,491 Ma, stop yelling at me. Please stop yelling. It's... 549 00:21:22,574 --> 00:21:24,284 Ma, I'm not high! Stop yelling! 550 00:21:24,368 --> 00:21:25,953 I'm driving a car. I can't talk. 551 00:21:26,036 --> 00:21:27,579 Hey, remember Winston? 552 00:21:27,663 --> 00:21:29,081 Winston, it's my ma. Talk to her. 553 00:21:29,164 --> 00:21:31,124 -WINSTON: Hey, what up, Mrs. Miller? -(NICK CHUCKLES) 554 00:21:31,208 --> 00:21:33,752 You know, I wrote a poem about you. You want to hear it? 555 00:21:33,836 --> 00:21:35,337 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 41581

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