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1
00:00:01,126 --> 00:00:02,794
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
2
00:00:05,047 --> 00:00:06,048
Cece!
3
00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:09,676
Beep-beep.
4
00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:11,595
(ARGUING)
5
00:00:13,263 --> 00:00:14,306
Beep-beep.
6
00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:15,641
Sorry.
7
00:00:16,308 --> 00:00:18,977
These traffic patterns are really…
8
00:00:19,311 --> 00:00:21,146
Counterintuitive!
9
00:00:22,481 --> 00:00:23,690
Really…
10
00:00:23,899 --> 00:00:27,819
Catch-as-catch-can
as far as footpaths go over here!
11
00:00:27,903 --> 00:00:29,279
(ARGUMENT CONTINUES)
12
00:00:30,739 --> 00:00:31,740
Cece!
13
00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:34,326
I got your text.
Are you ready to go home?
14
00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:36,203
(GROANS) Thank you for coming.
15
00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:38,497
Jess, he was making
out with another girl.
16
00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:41,500
You…get away from here.
17
00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:43,210
Okay, who are you, Miss Pajama, okay?
18
00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:44,920
You're blocking my booth.
Get out of here!
19
00:00:45,003 --> 00:00:47,089
Don't talk to her like that, okay?
That is my best friend!
20
00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:48,173
(CECE GRUNTS)
21
00:00:48,757 --> 00:00:50,092
-Oh! Cece…
-(LAUGHS)
22
00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:52,177
You ripped my deep V!
23
00:00:52,261 --> 00:00:54,221
This is my favorite deep V!
24
00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:56,515
It's just a deeper V.
25
00:00:57,349 --> 00:00:59,017
Thanks for picking me up, Jess.
26
00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:01,353
I really felt that Gavin was different.
27
00:01:01,436 --> 00:01:03,438
Didn't you feel like he was different?
28
00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:07,317
Yeah. I mean,
he seemed like a really nice…
29
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:09,319
European DJ with a face tattoo.
30
00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:11,989
-(MEN WHISTLING, CAR HORN HONKING)
-Whoo! Hey, guys.
31
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,949
I think, Jess…
I think these guys are into you.
32
00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:16,034
We should…
We should just go back, right?
33
00:01:16,118 --> 00:01:17,202
We should totally head back.
34
00:01:17,286 --> 00:01:18,871
Where am I taking you?
35
00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:23,166
No, can't go home because
Gavin's, like, staying at my place.
36
00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:25,460
You've known him for three weeks.
37
00:01:25,544 --> 00:01:28,130
Can I just crash with you
for a couple days? Please?
38
00:01:28,213 --> 00:01:32,426
I don't know. It's Friday night.
The guys probably have big plans.
39
00:01:32,509 --> 00:01:34,344
(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING)
40
00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:36,305
(DOOR CLOSES)
41
00:01:41,727 --> 00:01:44,271
Friday night, gentlemen. It's on.
42
00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:47,608
-What happened to you?
-It's on and poppin' up in here, you feel?
43
00:01:47,691 --> 00:01:48,775
-What happened to you?
-What?
44
00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:50,277
You didn't use to be like this, Schmidt.
45
00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:52,029
-What are you talking about?
-You've gotten so much worse.
46
00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:53,488
It's on and poppin'!
47
00:01:53,572 --> 00:01:54,656
(SINGING)
Who's that girl?
48
00:01:54,740 --> 00:01:56,116
Who's that girl?
49
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:57,659
Who's that girl?
50
00:01:57,743 --> 00:01:59,286
-Who's that girl?
-It's Jess!
51
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,830
Yes. I told you I'd come through.
52
00:02:01,914 --> 00:02:04,041
Okay, Benjamin just invited us
to a very cool party.
53
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:06,168
No, I just got off three
back-to-back shifts at the bar.
54
00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:09,129
I just want to sit here
all weekend in silence, playing this game,
55
00:02:09,213 --> 00:02:11,798
then I want to go in my room
and do weird stuff on my computer.
56
00:02:11,882 --> 00:02:14,593
Are you even wearing underwear?
What is between you and that chair?
57
00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:16,261
Just a little bit of sunshine.
58
00:02:16,345 --> 00:02:18,388
(CHUCKLES)
All right, take off that kimono, please.
59
00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:20,057
It's my leisure wear, Winston.
60
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,100
Look, I worked 80 hours this week.
61
00:02:22,184 --> 00:02:24,186
I just want to come home,
put on my 'mono
62
00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:26,146
and just hang loose, man.
63
00:02:26,230 --> 00:02:27,689
Okay? If you had a job,
you'd understand.
64
00:02:29,608 --> 00:02:32,444
R… Really? Wow.
It just got real in here.
65
00:02:32,528 --> 00:02:33,904
Okay, you're not gonna
take the kimono off?
66
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:35,989
Fine. Then I'm not wearing any pants.
67
00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:38,033
Boom! Bam!
68
00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:40,410
Mmm-hmm. Everybody want to
just walk around this house
69
00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:43,330
wearing all kinds of stupid stuff,
then guess what I'm gonna do, Schmidt.
70
00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:46,458
I'm wearing a napkin on my face.
71
00:02:46,542 --> 00:02:48,210
Bam! How you like that?
72
00:02:48,293 --> 00:02:49,503
That doesn't even make any sense, Winston.
73
00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:51,380
It makes perfect sense.
74
00:02:51,463 --> 00:02:52,798
Totally different than me
wearing my kimono.
75
00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:56,134
You are laughing in the face of
thousands of years of samurai culture,
76
00:02:56,218 --> 00:02:57,553
and it's an affront, Winston.
It's an affront.
77
00:02:57,636 --> 00:02:58,720
WINSTON: Look at me now, huh?
78
00:02:58,804 --> 00:03:00,430
This is the vibe we have
in the house now because of you.
79
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:01,723
You want to walk around here
looking silly.
80
00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:03,433
This is handcrafted!
81
00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:04,518
In China.
82
00:03:04,977 --> 00:03:06,395
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
83
00:03:08,105 --> 00:03:10,232
Schmidt, I think you should
take the kimono off.
84
00:03:13,569 --> 00:03:16,405
Um, Cece, can you not
do your usual thing?
85
00:03:16,488 --> 00:03:19,533
These are really good guys.
Best behavior.
86
00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:20,617
Sure.
87
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,452
-(MEN ARGUING)
-Hey, guys, I brought…
88
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:24,037
WINSTON: You brought this on yourself!
89
00:03:25,163 --> 00:03:26,456
What you doing?
90
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:29,626
Oh, you know, we're just chillin'.
91
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:30,752
Just chillin'.
92
00:03:31,295 --> 00:03:33,297
Just doing this. You know, Friday night.
93
00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:35,007
I'm gonna use the ladies'.
94
00:03:35,090 --> 00:03:36,091
What's up, Cecelia?
95
00:03:36,675 --> 00:03:38,260
CECE: Where's the tequila?
96
00:03:39,428 --> 00:03:41,346
-(CECE LAUGHS)
-Guys.
97
00:03:41,430 --> 00:03:42,556
-CECE: Oh.
-(OBJECT CLATTERING)
98
00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:44,141
(SIGHS) Okay.
99
00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:48,061
I would normally never bring her here,
but Cece's really vulnerable right now,
100
00:03:48,145 --> 00:03:50,772
and when she's drunk,
she has no boundaries.
101
00:03:50,856 --> 00:03:54,902
So she's really grabby, really physical,
she's really loose with her body.
102
00:03:54,985 --> 00:04:00,073
So I just want to apologize in advance
for anything that she might do.
103
00:04:00,157 --> 00:04:01,867
-That's good to know.
-Yeah, thanks for telling us.
104
00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:04,328
-Thank you, guys. You're the best.
-SCHMIDT: Aw.
105
00:04:04,453 --> 00:04:05,454
SCHMIDT: Mmm.
106
00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:09,208
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY)
107
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,047
This is the opposite of being alone!
108
00:04:16,465 --> 00:04:18,842
This is the opposite
of what I wanted this weekend.
109
00:04:19,635 --> 00:04:21,803
Wow, how'd this happen?
110
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:25,265
Okay, I'm not a part of this, Schmidt.
I'm not a part of it.
111
00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:29,144
Hi, Cece. I'm gonna make you a bed
on the couch, okay?
112
00:04:29,228 --> 00:04:31,271
So You're gonna
have to stop dancing, okay,
113
00:04:31,355 --> 00:04:32,481
so you can go to sleep.
114
00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:34,733
(DEEP VOICE) You know, Cece,
I think you should dance if you want to.
115
00:04:34,816 --> 00:04:36,068
Why are you talking like that?
116
00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:37,736
Like what? I'm just hanging out.
117
00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:39,613
-You get up.
-SCHMIDT: Really? Him?
118
00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:41,281
But I'm doing this.
119
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:44,701
-Come on, get up!
-NICK: No, I don't dance.
120
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:47,371
-I'm from the town in Footloose.
-Cece. He doesn't want to dance, Cece.
121
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:48,580
I don't wanna dance. I'm really good.
122
00:04:48,664 --> 00:04:50,624
-Schmidt dances…
-Whoa! What the…
123
00:04:50,707 --> 00:04:51,917
-(CECE LAUGHS)
-All right, you know what,
124
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,836
-I'm gonna go to bed. Good night.
-WINSTON: Yeah.
125
00:04:53,919 --> 00:04:55,796
What just happened?
That's really not great under here.
126
00:04:55,879 --> 00:04:56,880
You have to love hair.
127
00:04:58,465 --> 00:04:59,758
I think it's time for bed.
128
00:04:59,842 --> 00:05:00,843
You can use my bed.
I'll sleep on the couch.
129
00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:03,262
-Over here. Over here, Cece.
-Uh… Oh.
130
00:05:03,345 --> 00:05:05,264
-Over here. Over here.
-Oh.
131
00:05:05,556 --> 00:05:07,057
Are you sheepdogging her?
132
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,767
Over here, over here.
Over here, over here.
133
00:05:08,851 --> 00:05:10,018
-Oh.
-Not here. Here we go.
134
00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:12,396
(SIGHS)
135
00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:14,147
-Good night, Cece.
-(DOOR CLOSES)
136
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,191
(MUSIC STOPS)
137
00:05:16,775 --> 00:05:17,776
Yes! Yes.
138
00:05:17,860 --> 00:05:19,695
She is sleeping on my sheets right now.
139
00:05:19,778 --> 00:05:21,488
Not yours, bro. Mine!
140
00:05:23,407 --> 00:05:24,575
Parkour!
141
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,163
You know what? I think I might
actually have a chance with her.
142
00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:31,456
(SCHMIDT GRUNTING)
143
00:05:31,540 --> 00:05:33,375
I just have to be cooler than that guy.
144
00:05:33,625 --> 00:05:34,626
Parkour!
145
00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:36,795
A wise man once foretold
of a magical night
146
00:05:36,879 --> 00:05:40,340
where I would engage in nonsexual foreplay
with a model, my friends.
147
00:05:40,424 --> 00:05:41,758
-And tonight…
-Don't say it's that night.
148
00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:44,386
-…is that night.
-No, not a chance. Never gonna happen.
149
00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:45,470
You're not a closer.
150
00:05:45,554 --> 00:05:48,515
Oh, I'm a closer. I'm gonna close
this conversation right now, my brother.
151
00:05:48,599 --> 00:05:50,934
Watch this. Boom, bam, closed.
152
00:05:51,602 --> 00:05:52,603
Parkour!
153
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,605
Short track speed skating.
154
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:56,148
Apolo Ohno.
155
00:05:59,651 --> 00:06:02,321
-(WINSTON CHUCKLES)
-Well, at least this tires him out, right?
156
00:06:02,404 --> 00:06:03,405
Yeah.
157
00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:08,076
Look, she's great. You're gonna love her.
158
00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:10,454
-Do you want some eggs?
-No, I've got my own breakfast.
159
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,372
-I don't need you to…
-What?
160
00:06:12,456 --> 00:06:13,624
I don't know. Take care of me.
161
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,961
-Just stop being so nice.
-Your mother's being so nice.
162
00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:21,298
-Slam on my mother.
-(BOTH CHUCKLE)
163
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:22,966
Your mother's gonna slam on your mother.
164
00:06:28,597 --> 00:06:29,598
(SCREAMS)
165
00:06:29,681 --> 00:06:32,809
And 4,000. Yeah.
166
00:06:33,602 --> 00:06:34,728
Oh, my God.
167
00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:36,480
Willkommen.
168
00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:38,106
You're covered in oil?
169
00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:40,943
What, oil? No. This is just, uh…
170
00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:45,113
You okay?
171
00:06:45,614 --> 00:06:46,823
Schmidt.
172
00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,325
Hey, are you okay?
173
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,327
Whoa. Whoa.
174
00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:53,497
I just blacked out for a second.
Anything weird happen?
175
00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:56,041
Okay, I need some water,
so can you move?
176
00:06:56,124 --> 00:06:57,459
Yeah, that's not gonna happen, honey.
177
00:06:57,543 --> 00:06:59,586
Just, you know, slide me
like a curtain, okay?
178
00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:00,838
(CECE GROANS)
179
00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:03,715
-There you go. I'm good. I'm good.
-(GRUNTS)
180
00:07:04,132 --> 00:07:05,133
Sweet.
181
00:07:05,217 --> 00:07:07,094
Hey, can you get me a coff…
182
00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:10,305
(SHOWER RUNNING)
183
00:07:19,815 --> 00:07:20,816
What's going on, guys? I was…
184
00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:21,900
Hey.
185
00:07:21,984 --> 00:07:23,318
Oh, you're all in here.
186
00:07:23,402 --> 00:07:25,362
Um, does the water
get any hotter than this?
187
00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,739
Uh, do you want me…
188
00:07:27,823 --> 00:07:30,742
Uh, I mean, I… I could give you, if…
189
00:07:30,826 --> 00:07:32,077
NICK: I could… I'm good at fixing…
190
00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:34,162
Yeah, I can fix it, also.
191
00:07:34,246 --> 00:07:36,039
CECE: Actually, you know what,
I'll just figure it out myself.
192
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:37,791
But do you guys have any actual soap?
193
00:07:37,875 --> 00:07:40,169
Because all I can find
in here is body gelato.
194
00:07:40,252 --> 00:07:41,461
-That would be Schmidt's.
-Schmidt's gelato.
195
00:07:41,545 --> 00:07:43,589
Body gelato's mine. If you could just…
Don't use it all.
196
00:07:43,672 --> 00:07:45,215
-I'll just not touch it.
-Okay.
197
00:07:45,299 --> 00:07:47,426
Hey. Why are you guys all in here?
198
00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:49,178
-I'm brushing my teeth!
-D… Doing the thing.
199
00:07:49,261 --> 00:07:51,430
She hogging the shower?
Cece, come on. Hurry up.
200
00:07:51,513 --> 00:07:54,683
CECE: Sorry, I just… I can't find
any bigger towels for some reason.
201
00:07:59,521 --> 00:08:02,024
You have a really beautiful body, Cece.
I really appreciate that about you.
202
00:08:02,107 --> 00:08:03,275
Okay, come on.
203
00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:04,985
-I made you breakfast.
-You did?
204
00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:07,154
-Yeah.
-Sorry. I just…
205
00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:14,745
Disappointed with all of you.
Especially you.
206
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:16,246
-It was a bad moment.
-I thought you were better than that.
207
00:08:16,330 --> 00:08:18,415
I know. I am, sometimes.
208
00:08:18,957 --> 00:08:20,417
Did you see that cleavage?
209
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,252
I just want to get
my arm stuck down there.
210
00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:24,171
127 Hours style.
211
00:08:24,254 --> 00:08:26,298
And then… And then… (MIMICKING SAWING)
212
00:08:26,924 --> 00:08:29,468
Just cut it for days. I don't care.
I'll cut through the bone, the nerve.
213
00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:30,552
(MAKES SNAPPING SOUND)
214
00:08:30,636 --> 00:08:31,678
Schmidt!
215
00:08:31,762 --> 00:08:34,181
You weren't upset 'cause
I was dancing with Nick, right?
216
00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:35,557
No, of course not.
217
00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:37,518
'Cause I think he's really into you.
218
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,103
Nick? No, no.
219
00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:42,231
Come on, Jess. This is classic Eduardo.
220
00:08:44,525 --> 00:08:46,276
You want this to go to Cece, right?
221
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:47,444
(HEAVY ACCENT) Jess.
222
00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:49,279
Okay, I'll give it to Cece.
223
00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:51,615
No. Jess!
224
00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,033
You don't want me to give it to Cece?
225
00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:55,619
Sí, sí… Uh, for you.
226
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:56,703
For me?
227
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,121
To give to Cece.
228
00:08:59,081 --> 00:09:00,374
(GROANS)
229
00:09:00,749 --> 00:09:01,750
We're just friends.
230
00:09:01,834 --> 00:09:03,669
You can't be friends with these guys.
231
00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:05,212
You don't think that
every single one of them
232
00:09:05,295 --> 00:09:06,421
has thought about sleeping with you?
233
00:09:06,505 --> 00:09:09,633
No, you just think everyone wants to
sleep with everyone all the time.
234
00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:11,260
They do. That's why I think that.
235
00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:13,178
Don't you hear how he says your name?
236
00:09:13,262 --> 00:09:14,429
Jess.
237
00:09:14,513 --> 00:09:17,850
He's from Chicago.
That's how people from Chicago say Jess.
238
00:09:17,933 --> 00:09:21,603
(CHICAGO ACCENT) Like "bears" and "milk"
and "Let's go visit the Sears Tower."
239
00:09:21,687 --> 00:09:22,855
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
240
00:09:23,397 --> 00:09:25,566
Hey, Jess. I'm going to the drugstore.
You need anything?
241
00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:27,609
Yes. Jess, you should go with him,
242
00:09:27,693 --> 00:09:30,237
'cause then you can get
that thing that you really need.
243
00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:33,198
-Oh, I wonder what that is.
-She'll be right out.
244
00:09:34,533 --> 00:09:35,576
Just…
245
00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:38,453
No. No!
246
00:09:38,704 --> 00:09:40,956
No, you are not coming in here
and ruining all this.
247
00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,124
-I'm happy.
-(CHUCKLES)
248
00:09:42,207 --> 00:09:45,043
I like these guys, and I think
they're actually starting to like me, too.
249
00:09:45,127 --> 00:09:47,129
Who did you tell me
was your perfect man?
250
00:09:47,212 --> 00:09:48,964
Walter Matthau in Grumpy Old Men.
251
00:09:49,047 --> 00:09:50,424
And I could be girl Jack Lemmon.
252
00:09:50,507 --> 00:09:53,427
He's a total Matthau!
I'm telling you, he gets you.
253
00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:56,138
And did you see his feet?
A guy's feet point at what they want.
254
00:09:56,221 --> 00:09:57,347
His feet were pointing right at you.
255
00:09:57,431 --> 00:09:58,557
Why wouldn't his feet point at me?
256
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,434
Otherwise, he's standing like a duck.
257
00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:01,768
-Just come on. Go. Get out there.
-(GROANS)
258
00:10:01,852 --> 00:10:03,228
NICK: Hey, you ready? Come on!
259
00:10:03,312 --> 00:10:05,272
Be there in a sec, bro!
260
00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:06,398
You just call me "bro"?
261
00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:09,276
Yeah.
262
00:10:10,027 --> 00:10:11,737
Well, how long is she staying?
263
00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:13,739
Oh, not long.
264
00:10:13,822 --> 00:10:15,532
I know she can be tough to deal with.
265
00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:18,827
Sometimes she just calls me up
and she's like, "Bitch, I love you."
266
00:10:18,911 --> 00:10:20,078
And then she just hangs up.
267
00:10:20,162 --> 00:10:22,331
-No other information.
-Weird.
268
00:10:25,626 --> 00:10:27,628
But I don't know, I kind of like it
when she calls me "bitch."
269
00:10:27,711 --> 00:10:29,421
It makes me feel like Janis Joplin.
270
00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:32,299
NICK: Fine, but does she
have to stay with us?
271
00:10:34,051 --> 00:10:36,512
What? I'm sorry.
What… What did you say?
272
00:10:36,595 --> 00:10:38,514
I'm saying stop trying
to take care of everyone.
273
00:10:39,431 --> 00:10:40,599
-Oh, my God.
-What?
274
00:10:40,682 --> 00:10:41,683
-What?
-What?
275
00:10:41,767 --> 00:10:43,560
-Nothing. What?
-What?
276
00:10:44,853 --> 00:10:46,104
What are you doing?
277
00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:51,818
I know she's your best friend, but…
I didn't… I didn't mean to insult you.
278
00:10:51,902 --> 00:10:53,612
-Just, you don't have to take care of her…
-No…
279
00:10:54,279 --> 00:10:55,405
Okay.
280
00:10:56,490 --> 00:10:57,491
Yes.
281
00:10:57,574 --> 00:10:58,951
-NICK: What are you doing?
-What are you doing?
282
00:10:59,034 --> 00:11:00,994
I'm sorry, I'm just checking…
I just want to make sure…
283
00:11:01,078 --> 00:11:02,246
If I insulted you, I'm sorry.
284
00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:04,248
-But what are you doing right now?
-Everything's in its place.
285
00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:05,624
-What does that mean?
-Okay.
286
00:11:05,707 --> 00:11:07,876
-I'm just walking like a friend.
-(CHUCKLES)
287
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:09,711
Okay, you know what, forget this.
288
00:11:09,795 --> 00:11:11,588
Let's get out of here.
Last on the list…
289
00:11:11,672 --> 00:11:14,925
-toilet paper.
-Um, I don't use it.
290
00:11:15,634 --> 00:11:17,344
You don't use toilet paper?
291
00:11:19,638 --> 00:11:21,139
(CHUCKLES) I mean…
292
00:11:21,223 --> 00:11:22,599
That's not what I meant.
293
00:11:22,683 --> 00:11:23,809
That's what your mother meant.
294
00:11:23,892 --> 00:11:25,686
What? Did my mother call?
What did she say?
295
00:11:25,769 --> 00:11:29,690
No, Jess, I was… Jess, I was joking.
296
00:11:32,484 --> 00:11:34,444
-(MUSIC PLAYING)
-(SCHMIDT WHISTLES)
297
00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:36,321
Look at her.
298
00:11:36,822 --> 00:11:39,157
Go for it, man.
You know, go do your thing.
299
00:11:39,241 --> 00:11:41,368
I don't like the roof, man.
There's a cat up here.
300
00:11:41,451 --> 00:11:43,662
It's crazy. It was raised by birds.
301
00:11:43,745 --> 00:11:45,956
You mean to tell me you're going
to let a cat stop you from all that?
302
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:47,165
It's a bird-cat, man.
303
00:11:47,249 --> 00:11:49,001
It's very dangerous.
Look it up. Double rabies.
304
00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:50,502
Right. You can't close.
305
00:11:51,962 --> 00:11:52,963
(SIGHS)
306
00:11:54,756 --> 00:11:57,092
You just said the magic words, son.
307
00:11:57,843 --> 00:11:59,678
Baby, baby, don't cry.
308
00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:03,307
Look, I get it.
I was the best lover you ever had.
309
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:07,603
Yeah. A 90-minute session's
pretty standard for me.
310
00:12:10,022 --> 00:12:11,607
It was god what?
311
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:13,567
Oh, it was godlike.
312
00:12:14,318 --> 00:12:16,403
-Very sweet of you to say.
-(PHONE RINGING)
313
00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:19,656
WINSTON: My bad.
314
00:12:19,948 --> 00:12:21,033
Pocket-dialed you.
315
00:12:21,283 --> 00:12:24,786
(CHUCKLES) I got dropped calls,
then Winston calls. It's crazy.
316
00:12:24,870 --> 00:12:27,247
Uh, the roof, you know what I mean?
317
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,376
Hey, look, if he's ever bothering you…
318
00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:33,921
-You both are.
-Cool, that's cool.
319
00:12:34,463 --> 00:12:35,756
-(CAT MEOWING)
-(GASPS)
320
00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:41,553
NICK: Okay, what's going on
with you, Jess?
321
00:12:41,637 --> 00:12:43,222
-Why do you have to do that?
-Do what?
322
00:12:43,305 --> 00:12:45,349
Why do you have to say
my name like that? "Jess."
323
00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:47,601
And why do you have to wear
old man clothes all the time?
324
00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:49,645
-I don't wear old man clothes.
-(SIGHS)
325
00:12:49,728 --> 00:12:51,772
-You don't like the way I dress?
-(GROANS) No, I just…
326
00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:54,441
-Did I do something to you?
-No, I just need air.
327
00:12:54,525 --> 00:12:55,526
Okay…
328
00:12:55,984 --> 00:12:57,152
Rose for the lady?
329
00:12:57,236 --> 00:12:58,362
-No, it's okay.
-Okay, I'll buy you one.
330
00:12:58,445 --> 00:12:59,655
-What? No. No.
-Or… Or two. They come as two?
331
00:12:59,738 --> 00:13:01,281
-I'll buy two. Great. Thank you.
-No, no.
332
00:13:01,365 --> 00:13:02,491
What do you mean, "no"?
Here, take some roses.
333
00:13:02,574 --> 00:13:04,409
You want 'em?
It's $2. It's not a big deal.
334
00:13:04,493 --> 00:13:06,078
-I want them to go. No.
-They're nice roses…
335
00:13:06,161 --> 00:13:08,497
Hey, what are you doing?
Where are you going?
336
00:13:08,580 --> 00:13:09,998
Jess, it was a joke.
337
00:13:10,082 --> 00:13:11,708
What are you doing?
Get back in the car.
338
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,837
Where are you going?
339
00:13:19,633 --> 00:13:21,468
That's not the way home.
340
00:13:25,597 --> 00:13:27,850
(SCOFFS) Just working on a Saturday.
341
00:13:27,933 --> 00:13:30,143
You know, pulling in them ducats.
It's crazy.
342
00:13:30,227 --> 00:13:32,020
It's like golden handcuffs,
you know what I mean?
343
00:13:32,104 --> 00:13:34,398
It's like, on one hand I'm killing myself,
344
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:36,775
and on the other hand,
I'm making all this baller dough.
345
00:13:36,859 --> 00:13:37,985
Ow!
346
00:13:38,068 --> 00:13:39,987
(IMITATING SCHMIDT SCREAMING) Sunburn.
347
00:13:40,070 --> 00:13:42,739
(CHUCKLES)
I told you to take that oil off.
348
00:13:42,823 --> 00:13:44,575
It's cool, man. It's just a little color.
349
00:13:44,658 --> 00:13:46,702
In a couple days I'll be brown
just like you, Cece.
350
00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:50,831
-Because… Because your culture is…
-What is my culture?
351
00:13:51,123 --> 00:13:54,251
It's, um… You're… F… Uh…
352
00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:57,212
Um… J… Jaflan…
353
00:13:57,796 --> 00:13:59,173
Jafanese?
354
00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:01,091
Uh, Sa… Saudi…
355
00:14:01,175 --> 00:14:03,302
Saudiboo… Um…
356
00:14:04,678 --> 00:14:05,679
Monga…
357
00:14:05,762 --> 00:14:09,266
-My parents were born in India.
-India. Totally. Love India.
358
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:10,517
He really does.
359
00:14:10,601 --> 00:14:13,687
Hey, Schmidt, why don't you tell her
about all the things you love about India?
360
00:14:16,607 --> 00:14:20,110
Uh, sure. I love, you know, uh…
I love Slumdog.
361
00:14:20,652 --> 00:14:25,490
I love naan, uh, pepper, Ben Kingsley,
the stories of Rudyard Kipling.
362
00:14:25,574 --> 00:14:27,826
I have respect for cows, of course.
363
00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:33,957
I love, uh, the Taj Mahal, Deepak Chopra,
anyone named Patel.
364
00:14:34,041 --> 00:14:35,959
I love monsoons.
365
00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:39,671
I love… I love cobras and baskets,
Naveen Andrews.
366
00:14:39,755 --> 00:14:43,425
I love mango chutney.
Uh, really, any type of chutney.
367
00:14:43,509 --> 00:14:45,052
-Teepees…
-Hey, Schmidt, take a lap. Refresh.
368
00:14:45,135 --> 00:14:46,261
Yep.
369
00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:51,308
-That was pretty good.
-I know.
370
00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:53,477
You're working a little too hard, though.
Watch this.
371
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:54,853
-Schmidt!
-Yo.
372
00:14:54,937 --> 00:14:56,063
Go up to the roof.
373
00:14:56,146 --> 00:14:57,898
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, I'm going to go up to the roof.
374
00:14:57,981 --> 00:15:00,817
-I'll be there in 10 minutes.
-Cool. See you in, like, 10.
375
00:15:01,652 --> 00:15:03,403
-That was absolutely…
-Make me a sandwich.
376
00:15:03,487 --> 00:15:04,571
Sandwich.
377
00:15:06,490 --> 00:15:07,533
I walked home.
378
00:15:08,825 --> 00:15:11,119
I got out of the car and I walked home.
379
00:15:11,203 --> 00:15:12,329
Why, what happened?
380
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,915
His feet were pointed
directly at me the whole time.
381
00:15:14,998 --> 00:15:16,166
-Okay.
-Did I do this?
382
00:15:16,250 --> 00:15:19,962
Am I dressing too provocatively?
Do I need to get thicker pajamas?
383
00:15:20,045 --> 00:15:22,506
Maybe it's my posture.
I have really sexy posture.
384
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:23,715
You know what, don't worry about it.
385
00:15:23,799 --> 00:15:25,217
-I will talk to him for you.
-No!
386
00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:26,885
No, you won't.
That would be the worst,
387
00:15:26,969 --> 00:15:28,303
most life-ruining thing
you could possibly…
388
00:15:28,387 --> 00:15:30,180
-Hi, Nick.
-Seriously, Jess,
389
00:15:30,264 --> 00:15:31,765
what the hell happened?
390
00:15:31,849 --> 00:15:33,976
I've been driving around
for the last hour looking for you.
391
00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:36,228
Everything is okay, and
we were hoping to get everything out…
392
00:15:36,311 --> 00:15:37,729
BOTH: …on the table.
393
00:15:37,813 --> 00:15:39,898
The table which is not a table.
It doesn't exist.
394
00:15:39,982 --> 00:15:41,441
Don't… Don't worry about the table.
395
00:15:41,525 --> 00:15:44,695
We were in the middle of traffic
and you just got out and ran away.
396
00:15:44,987 --> 00:15:45,988
I was hot.
397
00:15:46,071 --> 00:15:49,032
You were so hot that you had to
jump out of my car and run?
398
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:51,743
Why are you standing like that?
399
00:15:51,827 --> 00:15:52,953
This is how I stand.
400
00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:54,371
I've never seen you stand like that.
401
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:57,416
I was really worried
something had happened to you, okay?
402
00:15:57,499 --> 00:15:59,376
And you can't just walk
around this neighborhood
403
00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:02,963
with bags full of toilet paper,
that you don't even use.
404
00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:04,256
What?
405
00:16:04,882 --> 00:16:06,300
(SOFTLY)
I told him I don't use toilet paper.
406
00:16:07,509 --> 00:16:09,386
Okay, do you hear
what he is saying to you?
407
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,305
-Yes, I hear what he's saying.
-He's trying to tell you
408
00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:13,056
-he cares about you.
-No, he doesn't care about me.
409
00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:14,308
So I'm going to make this happen for you.
410
00:16:14,391 --> 00:16:16,226
-He cares about me as a friend.
-This is so on, Jess.
411
00:16:16,310 --> 00:16:18,687
-No, it is not. No, on it is not.
-Oh.
412
00:16:18,770 --> 00:16:20,772
-I'm trying to help you…
-No.
413
00:16:20,856 --> 00:16:22,649
-No.
-Okay, my face is my job.
414
00:16:22,733 --> 00:16:25,527
My face is my job. Okay…
415
00:16:25,611 --> 00:16:27,196
(BOTH GRUNTING)
416
00:16:27,279 --> 00:16:29,114
No! No!
417
00:16:29,531 --> 00:16:31,200
-My earring.
-Okay.
418
00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:33,285
It is stuck in your hair.
419
00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:35,787
-Okay, can you get it out?
-No.
420
00:16:35,871 --> 00:16:37,581
-Okay, we'll do it on the floor.
-Ow…
421
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,208
-We're going to get it on the floor.
-Okay.
422
00:16:39,291 --> 00:16:40,751
-Ow.
-It'll be okay. All right, here we go.
423
00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:41,835
What is wrong with you?
424
00:16:41,919 --> 00:16:43,253
-I'm trying to help you.
-No, what is wrong with you?
425
00:16:43,337 --> 00:16:44,463
No. I don't need your help.
426
00:16:44,546 --> 00:16:46,089
You don't know. Nick and I are friends.
427
00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:48,675
You don't know, 'cause
you don't have guy friends at all.
428
00:16:48,759 --> 00:16:50,552
You just hang out with jerks like Gavin.
429
00:16:50,636 --> 00:16:53,013
Oh, I'm sorry, DJ Diabeat It.
430
00:16:53,096 --> 00:16:55,974
-He has diabetes.
-Oh, he does? Boo-hoo.
431
00:16:57,059 --> 00:16:59,394
I'm sorry. Is it really bad?
I feel really bad.
432
00:16:59,478 --> 00:17:00,979
He's fine. He takes medication.
433
00:17:01,063 --> 00:17:03,857
Why do you just come in
and you take over?
434
00:17:03,941 --> 00:17:06,151
It's like you're playing
mind games with people.
435
00:17:06,235 --> 00:17:07,861
Don't put this on me, Jess, okay?
I'm trying to help you.
436
00:17:07,945 --> 00:17:09,154
You never make a move…
437
00:17:09,238 --> 00:17:10,364
Well, I don't need your help.
438
00:17:10,447 --> 00:17:13,825
I like moving slow.
I like being weird and taking my time.
439
00:17:13,909 --> 00:17:16,495
I'm not like you.
I don't just jump in the potato sack
440
00:17:16,578 --> 00:17:19,706
with the first potato
that I meet with diabetes.
441
00:17:19,790 --> 00:17:22,501
-Okay, what did you just say?
-You heard me, bitch.
442
00:17:24,002 --> 00:17:25,003
(CHUCKLES)
443
00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:26,880
(BOTH LAUGHING)
444
00:17:26,964 --> 00:17:28,674
-(SCHMIDT SCREAMING)
-(GASPS) Oh.
445
00:17:28,757 --> 00:17:30,509
-What is that? What?
-Oh, no.
446
00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:33,178
-What did you do? What did you do?
-Oh, no, no, no, no.
447
00:17:44,022 --> 00:17:45,148
(MEOWS)
448
00:17:46,567 --> 00:17:48,986
Hey, Schmidt. How you doing?
449
00:17:49,611 --> 00:17:51,905
Can I sit with you on your cooler here?
450
00:17:51,989 --> 00:17:54,199
Yeah. Just chillin', hanging with the cat.
451
00:17:54,283 --> 00:17:55,951
-(MEOWS)
-Holla.
452
00:17:57,494 --> 00:17:59,037
I'm sorry that Cece did this to you.
453
00:17:59,121 --> 00:18:01,665
That's okay. I'm used to it.
454
00:18:02,207 --> 00:18:04,751
I guess I'll just always be
the fat kid with the big dreams.
455
00:18:04,835 --> 00:18:06,086
It's not you.
456
00:18:06,170 --> 00:18:08,213
I love Cece, but she's not ready for you.
457
00:18:09,089 --> 00:18:10,382
You're a good guy,
458
00:18:10,465 --> 00:18:13,594
You know, if you ignore everything
that you do on purpose
459
00:18:13,677 --> 00:18:16,388
and concentrate on all of the things
that you do by accident.
460
00:18:17,639 --> 00:18:18,640
Thank you.
461
00:18:20,392 --> 00:18:21,643
She'd eat you up.
462
00:18:21,727 --> 00:18:22,728
(SNICKERS)
463
00:18:24,062 --> 00:18:25,564
You really think she'd eat me up?
464
00:18:25,647 --> 00:18:26,857
Yeah.
465
00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:28,358
Like buffet style?
466
00:18:28,901 --> 00:18:30,235
You know, all you can eat?
467
00:18:30,319 --> 00:18:32,279
'Cause I got that prime rib, yo.
468
00:18:33,197 --> 00:18:38,118
Carving station, plates are warm,
sneeze guard, kids eat for free.
469
00:18:38,202 --> 00:18:41,205
I mean, except for the…
Except for the last…
470
00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:43,916
All right, let's go.
Let's go, Schmidt, okay?
471
00:18:44,166 --> 00:18:45,209
Okay.
472
00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:52,257
Hey, Cece. Um…
473
00:18:52,758 --> 00:18:57,179
Look, I get it.
This isn't going to happen.
474
00:18:57,596 --> 00:18:59,932
But the couch is super uncomfortable,
475
00:19:00,599 --> 00:19:04,978
my sunburn's starting to blister,
and I just want to sleep in my own bed.
476
00:19:05,395 --> 00:19:06,396
Okay.
477
00:19:15,405 --> 00:19:16,907
(SWAMP SOUNDS)
478
00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:26,333
I'm sorry for everything.
479
00:19:28,418 --> 00:19:30,838
I can be a jerk, sometimes.
480
00:19:38,554 --> 00:19:40,305
I hate sleeping alone.
481
00:19:42,432 --> 00:19:43,684
Me, too.
482
00:19:44,393 --> 00:19:45,602
Sweet.
483
00:19:49,481 --> 00:19:51,358
Sch-weet…
484
00:19:51,441 --> 00:19:53,694
-Better when you don't talk.
-Yeah.
485
00:19:54,653 --> 00:19:56,196
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
486
00:20:02,911 --> 00:20:04,329
If you tell anyone we held hands,
487
00:20:04,413 --> 00:20:06,582
I have two people in my phone
that will kill you.
488
00:20:07,332 --> 00:20:08,542
Literally.
489
00:20:24,099 --> 00:20:26,310
-Mmm…
-Oh.
490
00:20:42,618 --> 00:20:43,744
Hey.
491
00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:45,537
(LAUGHING)
492
00:20:46,496 --> 00:20:50,334
I'm sorry I acted so weird today. Weird!
493
00:20:50,876 --> 00:20:51,960
It's okay.
494
00:20:54,963 --> 00:20:56,548
(BOTH RESUME BRUSHING)
495
00:21:04,139 --> 00:21:05,349
(PHONE RINGING)
496
00:21:07,851 --> 00:21:09,228
-Yo.
-SCHMIDT: (QUIETLY) I did it, man.
497
00:21:09,311 --> 00:21:11,980
I'm holding her hand right now.
She's in my bed, and she's asleep.
498
00:21:12,064 --> 00:21:15,067
Wait, so you're in…
You're in the room right now?
499
00:21:15,150 --> 00:21:18,111
What is wrong with you?
Hang up the phone.
500
00:21:18,195 --> 00:21:19,905
I did it. I closed.
501
00:21:20,322 --> 00:21:22,282
We could have this conversation
at anytime.
502
00:21:22,366 --> 00:21:24,660
Shh. Please, shh.
503
00:21:25,994 --> 00:21:26,995
Okay, we're good.
504
00:21:27,079 --> 00:21:28,997
And just so we're clear,
when I say "closing,"
505
00:21:29,081 --> 00:21:30,332
this is not what I'm talking about.
506
00:21:30,415 --> 00:21:31,792
You're gonna have to define your terms.
507
00:21:31,875 --> 00:21:35,838
Because what I'm doing right now
feels an awful lot like closing.
38012
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