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1
00:00:01,460 --> 00:00:04,129
It's our first wedding together,
so we need nicknames.
2
00:00:04,213 --> 00:00:07,466
Nick is Knickknack, or Mr. Suspenders.
3
00:00:07,549 --> 00:00:10,802
No nicknames. Your only job tonight
is to be Nick's girlfriend, okay?
4
00:00:10,886 --> 00:00:13,305
And make sure that he stays
out of trouble with Caroline.
5
00:00:13,388 --> 00:00:15,682
-Why can't you and Winston help?
-We've tried.
6
00:00:15,766 --> 00:00:17,142
He doesn't listen to us anymore.
7
00:00:17,226 --> 00:00:20,270
-(CRYING)
-Look, she's not coming back.
8
00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,480
He's right. I don't.
9
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:23,106
(SINGS)
Da, da-da, dah!
10
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:25,359
-No!
-That is the ugliest dress
11
00:00:25,442 --> 00:00:27,319
I have ever seen, Jess.
12
00:00:27,402 --> 00:00:29,738
I'm really gonna need you
to step it up tonight, okay?
13
00:00:29,821 --> 00:00:31,782
When I see you,
I want to be thinking,
14
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:34,576
"Who let the dirty slut
out of the slut house?"
15
00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:37,120
(IN COCKNEY ACCENT)
Probably the slut butler, right?
16
00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:39,790
-(LAUGHING)
-Yo, let's go. We can't be late.
17
00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:42,459
-I am in the wedding.
-You're the usher, so relax.
18
00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:44,628
I'll be busy.
That way, I won't have to sit around
19
00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:46,588
answering a bunch of
stupid questions all day.
20
00:00:46,672 --> 00:00:48,173
-Like, do you have a job?
-(GROANS)
21
00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:49,675
Are you still playing basketball?
22
00:00:49,758 --> 00:00:52,761
Does it look like I'm still
playing overseas basketball?
23
00:00:52,845 --> 00:00:54,304
What is the matter with you?
24
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:56,223
This is the first job I've had
in two months.
25
00:00:56,306 --> 00:00:59,017
I really want to get in there
and ush this wedding in the face!
26
00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:00,519
You're gonna be great, man.
27
00:01:00,602 --> 00:01:03,313
When we do the chicken dance,
I do it a little bit differently.
28
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:04,982
I know that it usually goes, like…
29
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,484
(SINGING) Da-da, da-da, da-da, da
Da-da, da-da, da-da, da
30
00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:08,902
(HUMMING)
31
00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:11,822
But instead of doing claps,
I like to do a peck.
32
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:13,574
'Cause it's more realistic.
33
00:01:13,657 --> 00:01:15,117
No chicken dance!
34
00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:16,785
Look, we're not trying to be mean.
35
00:01:16,869 --> 00:01:20,122
We just don't want you
to be yourself…in any way.
36
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:23,792
Okay. Suppress the Jess. Got it.
37
00:01:24,543 --> 00:01:25,878
Did you use my hair gel?
38
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,046
-Did I use your hair gel?
-I'm not gonna be mad.
39
00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:29,673
-Just let me know if you did.
-(SCOFFS)
40
00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:31,008
-No.
-You sure?
41
00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:33,760
-I used your hair gel.
-Are you serious?
42
00:01:33,844 --> 00:01:36,096
NICK: Yeah. It's…
43
00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:39,683
Who let the dirty slut
out of the slut house?
44
00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:42,144
Wow. You look great.
45
00:01:42,227 --> 00:01:45,230
Let's go knock biscuits,
brother-cousins.
46
00:01:45,314 --> 00:01:47,274
-No!
-No teeth, Jess.
47
00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:49,860
-You can't use prop teeth.
-JESS: Come on, guys.
48
00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:52,529
These are hilarious. Kids love these.
49
00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:55,490
(SINGING)
Who's that girl?
50
00:01:55,574 --> 00:01:57,743
-Who's that girl?
-It's Jess!
51
00:02:05,083 --> 00:02:07,127
You want to know one
of my beauty secrets?
52
00:02:07,211 --> 00:02:09,004
The only way I could fit in this dress
53
00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:11,840
was by wearing little girl's
bicycle shorts underneath.
54
00:02:11,924 --> 00:02:13,258
They are tight
55
00:02:13,342 --> 00:02:15,385
(SINGING)
I will not be peeing tonight!
56
00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:16,595
Oh, my God, bubbles.
57
00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:18,680
No, no, no, Jess.
No bubbles, no bubbles, please.
58
00:02:18,764 --> 00:02:22,059
Ooh, a lot of big game here tonight. Yo.
59
00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:25,729
-Oh. Oh, there's Brooke.
-JESS: Who's Brooke?
60
00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:27,523
He's been into her since freshman year.
61
00:02:27,606 --> 00:02:29,608
She used to get drunk
and pass out on our porch.
62
00:02:29,691 --> 00:02:31,318
It was like having a hot, alcoholic cat.
63
00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:32,778
I'd always leave water out for her.
64
00:02:32,861 --> 00:02:34,821
Okay. Tonight just got real.
65
00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:36,657
She goes on top of the kill list.
66
00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:39,952
Is that because you're gonna attempt
to kill her by having sex with her?
67
00:02:40,035 --> 00:02:41,453
More or less, yeah.
68
00:02:41,537 --> 00:02:43,956
Oh, Schmidt, one day
you're gonna kill the nicest girl.
69
00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:50,838
Look at my new boyfriend.
So fancy in his big boy tie.
70
00:02:50,921 --> 00:02:52,422
Jess, would you please stop?
71
00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:55,050
What is it with Caroline?
You're like a different person.
72
00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:57,761
Just focus on getting
through today, please.
73
00:02:57,845 --> 00:03:01,265
-Okay, Mr. Boy T. Friend.
-What did I tell you?
74
00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:02,975
-Don't be myself.
-Yes.
75
00:03:03,058 --> 00:03:06,144
That's what I love about our relationship.
You never let me be myself.
76
00:03:08,647 --> 00:03:09,898
MAN: (WHISPERS) Hey!
77
00:03:09,982 --> 00:03:12,276
-Winston!
-Hey.
78
00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:13,944
-You're back.
-Yeah.
79
00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:15,904
What are you up to? Where you working at?
80
00:03:15,988 --> 00:03:18,282
Here. As an usher.
81
00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:20,784
Hi. What a beautiful dress.
82
00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:24,162
I'm surprised you noticed the dress.
I was distracted by the woman inside.
83
00:03:25,831 --> 00:03:28,834
-Jimmy Longjam, alternate usher.
-Alternate usher. (CHUCKLES)
84
00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:30,711
I mean, I'm here. I'm the usher.
85
00:03:30,794 --> 00:03:32,296
You were late. It's called commitment.
86
00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:34,006
Look it up in a typewriter, old man.
87
00:03:34,089 --> 00:03:36,008
-What?
-How much money do you make?
88
00:03:36,091 --> 00:03:37,092
Where is your mother?
89
00:03:37,176 --> 00:03:39,553
WOMAN: Can someone help me?
BOTH: Hello. Bride or groom?
90
00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:40,971
Oh, thank you.
91
00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:43,640
(CLICKS TONGUE)
92
00:03:47,686 --> 00:03:49,646
Oh, no. No, not tonight.
93
00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:51,023
No! (SIGHS)
94
00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:54,193
-Who is that?
-It's Gretchen Nelson.
95
00:03:54,276 --> 00:03:56,320
She's a terrible person.
We can't stand each other.
96
00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:59,615
At every wedding, we end up…
Having sex.
97
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,659
-(MOANING)
-(WEDDING MARCH PLAYS)
98
00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:03,994
GRETCHEN: Oh! (GRUNTS)
99
00:04:04,453 --> 00:04:06,997
-(LOUD GRUNTING)
-(TRADITIONAL JEWISH MUSIC PLAYS)
100
00:04:10,042 --> 00:04:11,460
I mean, look, the sex is amazing.
101
00:04:12,127 --> 00:04:15,005
-Oh, she's coming over.
-Hey, there are those people that we know.
102
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,256
Oh, what people?
103
00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:17,591
(CLEARS THROAT)
104
00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:19,801
Hello, Gretchen.
105
00:04:19,885 --> 00:04:21,094
Mmm-hmm.
106
00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:22,513
I see you wore the pantsuit again.
107
00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:23,805
This is a new one.
108
00:04:23,889 --> 00:04:27,059
It's got way more stretch…in the pants.
109
00:04:27,142 --> 00:04:29,019
-That's horrible.
-Are you ready for tonight?
110
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:32,898
I'm gonna tie you down and show you
pictures of my river rafting trip.
111
00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:34,483
Oh, my God, how many are there?
112
00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:36,068
It's a two-hour slideshow.
113
00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:38,111
No, Gretchen.
We can't do this anymore, okay?
114
00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:39,488
It's not… It's not healthy.
115
00:04:39,571 --> 00:04:41,031
-All right? Please, no more.
-Yeah.
116
00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:44,910
-(CHUCKLES)
-There she is. There she is.
117
00:04:44,993 --> 00:04:46,703
She's right over there. There she is.
118
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:48,705
She's right over here. She's right…
119
00:04:49,373 --> 00:04:50,749
-Just be cool…
-Okay, okay.
120
00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:51,834
Hi.
121
00:04:51,917 --> 00:04:54,878
Hey, Caroline. Wow.
I didn't know you were gonna be here.
122
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,129
Great to see you.
123
00:04:56,213 --> 00:04:57,840
Nicholas, you have to introduce me.
124
00:04:57,923 --> 00:04:59,383
Uh, yeah, of course.
125
00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:01,468
Uh, Jess, this is Caroline.
126
00:05:01,552 --> 00:05:04,137
-Hi.
-One more time. Cara-lee?
127
00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:05,806
-Uh, Caroline.
-Caraloo?
128
00:05:05,889 --> 00:05:07,432
-Coraline?
-Caroline.
129
00:05:07,516 --> 00:05:10,060
Okay. Fancy.
130
00:05:10,686 --> 00:05:14,189
Well, I'm Nicholas's girlfriend.
We just started dating,
131
00:05:14,273 --> 00:05:17,526
-so we're still in that honeymoon phase.
-(NICK AND JESS CHUCKLE)
132
00:05:17,609 --> 00:05:19,653
I barely sleep. So much doing it.
133
00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:21,780
-So much doing it. It's crazy.
-(BOTH CHUCKLE)
134
00:05:21,864 --> 00:05:23,699
He's so soft, like a towel.
135
00:05:23,782 --> 00:05:25,826
Well, uh, it was nice to meet you.
136
00:05:25,909 --> 00:05:27,786
So nice to meet you, too, Carol.
137
00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:28,871
Caroline.
138
00:05:28,954 --> 00:05:32,124
-(LAUGHING) I give up!
-I guess I'll see you later.
139
00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:33,584
For sure. For sure. For…
140
00:05:37,796 --> 00:05:39,381
Oh, my God. Was she jealous?
141
00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:42,050
I think she was jealous. You did so good.
142
00:05:42,134 --> 00:05:43,510
That was remarkable.
143
00:05:43,594 --> 00:05:46,388
I just done what my mama learnt me.
144
00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:47,472
Give me the teeth.
145
00:05:51,977 --> 00:05:53,854
(CLASSIC ROCK SONG PLAYING)
146
00:06:00,944 --> 00:06:01,945
Brooke.
147
00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,822
Hi. Wow.
148
00:06:03,906 --> 00:06:05,073
Schmidt.
149
00:06:05,991 --> 00:06:08,076
You used to borrow
my poncho freshman year.
150
00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:09,328
Remember that? No.
151
00:06:12,331 --> 00:06:13,749
Fat Schmidt?
152
00:06:14,416 --> 00:06:15,501
Fat Schmidt!
153
00:06:15,584 --> 00:06:17,336
-Of course! Wow.
-Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
154
00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,254
You look great.
155
00:06:19,338 --> 00:06:21,256
You, also, for sure.
156
00:06:21,340 --> 00:06:22,799
Um, how are your classes?
157
00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:25,177
Not that we're…
Not that we're in school anymore.
158
00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:26,303
I know that.
159
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,555
What are you drinking? White wine?
160
00:06:28,639 --> 00:06:31,683
I'm not drinking.
I'm sober, six months.
161
00:06:31,767 --> 00:06:33,185
Can I get a seltzer, please?
162
00:06:33,268 --> 00:06:34,603
Me, too.
163
00:06:34,686 --> 00:06:37,397
-You're six months sober, also?
-Seven months. One more.
164
00:06:37,481 --> 00:06:40,901
Wow. That's great. Congratulations.
165
00:06:40,984 --> 00:06:42,027
Here's your, uh, white wine.
166
00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:45,072
What? What? That's a mistake.
No, I didn't order that. No!
167
00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:46,323
No, sir!
168
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,242
(SIGHS) Even the… Even smell of it.
169
00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:49,952
I'm gonna run back to my table.
170
00:06:50,786 --> 00:06:53,205
But you can come
talk to me if you need to.
171
00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:55,082
Oh. Okay, thank you.
172
00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:58,585
So what I need you to do is this.
173
00:06:58,669 --> 00:07:01,296
I need you to put vodka
in a water bottle, okay?
174
00:07:01,380 --> 00:07:03,841
Then rendezvous with me
in the restroom, okay?
175
00:07:05,217 --> 00:07:07,511
Same page? Same page?
176
00:07:07,803 --> 00:07:09,137
(LAUGHS)
177
00:07:10,973 --> 00:07:12,933
This kid is pushing my buttons.
178
00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:15,727
Winston, he's just a little boy. Relax.
179
00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:18,146
If Brooke asks,
I'm six months clean and sober,
180
00:07:18,230 --> 00:07:19,481
and looking to settle down.
181
00:07:19,565 --> 00:07:21,650
Great. Schmidt's sober.
182
00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:24,945
-What are you doing?
-She's looking at us.
183
00:07:27,823 --> 00:07:30,284
Your head is shaped like a yam.
184
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:32,077
Yeah, I know. I can't wear soft hats.
185
00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:33,871
-Uh-huh.
-Hey, when she comes here,
186
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,914
-I want to talk to her by myself.
-Are you sure?
187
00:07:35,998 --> 00:07:37,040
Jess, I'm fine, for real.
188
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:38,166
Hi.
189
00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:40,544
Could that ceremony
have lasted any longer?
190
00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:42,171
-It really was…
-Ha, ha. We loved it.
191
00:07:42,254 --> 00:07:44,715
Taking notes in case
Mr. Commitment-Phobe over here
192
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,592
decides to make an honest woman out of me.
193
00:07:46,675 --> 00:07:48,844
-Oh.
-Hey, Jess,
194
00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:51,138
did you want to go do that thing from…
195
00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:52,931
-Yes, I did.
-I want to do it very badly.
196
00:07:53,015 --> 00:07:54,099
-Yup.
-Thank you.
197
00:07:54,183 --> 00:08:00,564
And now, for the first time ever,
Mr. and Mrs. Handelman-Pyong.
198
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:01,940
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS)
199
00:08:02,024 --> 00:08:04,151
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING AND WHISTLING)
200
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:09,907
Yay! Bride and groom!
201
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,742
Make way!
202
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:15,204
Huzzah! Celebrate love!
203
00:08:15,287 --> 00:08:20,042
Get ready for a wonderful
life of merriment and joy.
204
00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:23,712
Jess is…great.
205
00:08:23,795 --> 00:08:26,173
-The best. Yeah, so happy.
-(CHUCKLES)
206
00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:28,383
Are you guys pretty serious, or…
207
00:08:28,467 --> 00:08:30,886
Yeah, we are pretty serious.
208
00:08:30,969 --> 00:08:32,387
Yeah, we live together.
209
00:08:32,471 --> 00:08:34,473
I mean, different bedrooms,
but shared bathroom,
210
00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:35,974
so that's something.
211
00:08:36,767 --> 00:08:38,685
Alcohol. Any kind of alcohol you have.
212
00:08:38,769 --> 00:08:40,229
Just give me anything.
213
00:08:41,813 --> 00:08:42,981
-Thank you.
-Give me that.
214
00:08:43,065 --> 00:08:44,233
Oh, God.
215
00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:47,486
It's like you're lapping it
out of a puddle.
216
00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:50,697
Ugh! Where'd you get those boots,
off a lady hiker?
217
00:08:50,781 --> 00:08:53,408
Look at those earrings.
Are they clip-ons?
218
00:08:53,951 --> 00:08:55,452
I'm gonna make you wear them.
219
00:08:55,536 --> 00:08:56,828
(SIGHS)
220
00:08:58,580 --> 00:09:00,916
-Huh? No.
-No?
221
00:09:00,999 --> 00:09:03,126
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
222
00:09:05,337 --> 00:09:07,047
Is it bad that I can't feel my legs?
223
00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:09,216
Yes. Now let's talk about my problems.
224
00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:11,426
Jess, I have to go home
with Brooke tonight.
225
00:09:11,510 --> 00:09:13,679
I deserve someone like Brooke.
She's perfect.
226
00:09:13,762 --> 00:09:16,515
And it doesn't matter
that I have gymnastic,
227
00:09:16,598 --> 00:09:19,726
mean-spirited, highly educational sex
with Gretchen.
228
00:09:19,810 --> 00:09:22,729
It's just, that's not what
I want to do anymore, okay? Not tonight.
229
00:09:22,813 --> 00:09:24,231
What's so bad about liking Gretchen?
230
00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:26,775
I mean, you guys obviously have,
like, a weird connection.
231
00:09:26,859 --> 00:09:28,735
No, no, no, no, I want
to connect with Brooke.
232
00:09:28,819 --> 00:09:31,238
I want to connect with her
in the shower, on the floor…
233
00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:33,365
-Okay, you know what?
-…sitting Indian style.
234
00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:35,868
Keep talking, but I'm going to put
my hands over my ears.
235
00:09:35,951 --> 00:09:37,703
-We got a problem.
-SCHMIDT: What?
236
00:09:39,288 --> 00:09:40,914
Jess, what did you do?
237
00:09:40,998 --> 00:09:43,166
What? They're fine,
they're just talking.
238
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:46,879
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
With Caroline he is not fine.
239
00:09:46,962 --> 00:09:49,381
Okay, he ran into her
at a party two months ago,
240
00:09:49,464 --> 00:09:52,009
then sent me a ten-page e-mail
about what she meant
241
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:53,677
when she said, "I'll see you soon."
242
00:09:53,969 --> 00:09:57,890
She will flirt with him until
she knows she can have him.
243
00:09:57,973 --> 00:09:59,641
It's like he's her backup plan.
244
00:09:59,725 --> 00:10:00,851
I didn't know that.
245
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,102
You want to live with Nick
246
00:10:02,186 --> 00:10:04,313
when he's not showering
and crying all day?
247
00:10:04,396 --> 00:10:05,981
He sounds like this. (SOBBING RAPIDLY)
248
00:10:06,064 --> 00:10:08,692
Ever heard a grown man sob
and listen to Simon and Garfunkel?
249
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:09,818
-Yeah, my dad.
-Yeah.
250
00:10:09,902 --> 00:10:11,778
Okay, I get it. But I just…
251
00:10:11,862 --> 00:10:13,655
These bicycle shorts are really tight.
252
00:10:13,739 --> 00:10:17,492
-Come on, work through it, woman.
-Okay, okay.
253
00:10:18,076 --> 00:10:19,203
Okay.
254
00:10:20,746 --> 00:10:22,080
It's all on you, Jess.
255
00:10:22,164 --> 00:10:23,415
(ROCK SONG PLAYING)
256
00:10:27,669 --> 00:10:29,046
Come on in, honey.
257
00:10:30,005 --> 00:10:31,006
The water's fine.
258
00:10:31,089 --> 00:10:32,966
Jess, you know I don't dance.
259
00:10:33,050 --> 00:10:35,677
Oh, but you didn't know that I did this.
260
00:10:35,761 --> 00:10:37,304
I'm mime-walking.
261
00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:39,056
-I'm Mime-chael Jackson.
-(CHUCKLES)
262
00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:40,349
-I'm gonna get a drink.
-Me, too.
263
00:10:40,432 --> 00:10:41,725
Nick, wait, no.
264
00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:43,227
Jess, relax, this is good.
265
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:45,771
I may actually have a chance,
and it's all because of you,
266
00:10:45,854 --> 00:10:48,023
-so thank you.
-No, Nick, that wasn't my intention.
267
00:10:48,106 --> 00:10:50,192
-Nick…
-Oh, hi.
268
00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:53,487
I don't feel like dancing right now.
I'm sorry.
269
00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:56,156
(SONG CONTINUES PLAYING)
270
00:10:57,908 --> 00:10:59,993
I'm really uncomfortable right now.
271
00:11:01,286 --> 00:11:03,038
Oh, Winston, thank God!
Nick got away.
272
00:11:03,121 --> 00:11:05,541
Nick can wait. This…
273
00:11:05,958 --> 00:11:07,167
This is about honor.
274
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:09,503
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
275
00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:13,924
And…it looks like we have a dance-off!
276
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,013
What?
277
00:11:21,098 --> 00:11:22,474
Oh, my God, what are you doing?
278
00:11:22,558 --> 00:11:23,600
Mommy?
279
00:11:23,684 --> 00:11:25,102
(PEOPLE GROANING)
280
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:30,524
Nick? Nick?
281
00:11:34,319 --> 00:11:35,571
A chocolate fountain.
282
00:11:35,654 --> 00:11:38,240
Reminds me of the one in Tuscany.
You ever been?
283
00:11:38,490 --> 00:11:40,576
Yeah. I was just there for New Year's.
284
00:11:40,659 --> 00:11:42,202
Where's the chocolate fountain?
285
00:11:42,286 --> 00:11:45,455
I don't know, I've never been.
I'm just fascinated with the culture.
286
00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:50,294
Schmidt! Schmidt, I need you to help me
get these off so I can go find Nick!
287
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:52,254
God, are you friends with that girl?
288
00:11:53,755 --> 00:11:56,133
-Schmidt!
-Okay, look, I…
289
00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:58,969
I didn't want to have to
tell you this, but…
290
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:02,097
She was a mistake I made
when I hit rock bottom.
291
00:12:02,181 --> 00:12:04,183
It was like I was her Sid
and she was my Nancy,
292
00:12:04,266 --> 00:12:06,393
and then I got sober
and she couldn't deal with it,
293
00:12:06,476 --> 00:12:09,188
and the poor thing just went…
She went crazy.
294
00:12:09,271 --> 00:12:11,273
I need you to come
help me slap my thighs around!
295
00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:14,693
I don't want to scare you, but she
can be really dangerous when she drinks.
296
00:12:14,776 --> 00:12:18,155
Okay? I shouldn't even be
in the same room with her, it's just…
297
00:12:18,447 --> 00:12:20,490
(SIGHS) It feels so good talking to you.
298
00:12:20,574 --> 00:12:22,868
Maybe we should get you out of here.
299
00:12:22,951 --> 00:12:24,161
What a great idea. Yes!
300
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,246
I just have to go
to the bathroom really quickly.
301
00:12:26,330 --> 00:12:28,832
Whatever… Whatever you need.
whatever… Of course.
302
00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:30,083
(FLASHBULB POPS)
303
00:12:30,167 --> 00:12:31,460
Ready? No lips.
304
00:12:31,793 --> 00:12:34,796
-Name one, name one.
-Do, uh, wind tunnel.
305
00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:36,089
Super high driver's license.
306
00:12:36,173 --> 00:12:37,674
(LAUGHING)
307
00:12:37,758 --> 00:12:40,302
Can we stay in here all night?
308
00:12:44,765 --> 00:12:46,517
-JESS: Oh, hi.
-(GASPS)
309
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,727
(SINGSONG) Schmidt is very fond of you.
310
00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,145
Um, look, I don't…
311
00:12:50,229 --> 00:12:53,065
I, uh… I don't even really
know him that well, okay?
312
00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:56,109
Oh. I'm just cutting off my underwear.
You know.
313
00:12:56,193 --> 00:12:57,277
(SINGSONG) Girl stuff.
314
00:12:58,445 --> 00:13:00,656
(GRUNTING)
315
00:13:01,490 --> 00:13:02,741
(RELIEVED SIGH)
316
00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:04,159
(EXHALES LOUDLY)
317
00:13:04,368 --> 00:13:05,702
So tight.
318
00:13:06,328 --> 00:13:09,414
Well, it's been really nice
chatting with you.
319
00:13:09,498 --> 00:13:13,001
But I've got a pretend boyfriend
to hunt down. I think he's cheating on me.
320
00:13:13,085 --> 00:13:14,169
(CHUCKLES)
321
00:13:14,253 --> 00:13:17,548
Oh, and don't break Schmidt's heart,
or you'll have me to deal with.
322
00:13:18,173 --> 00:13:19,967
-(SIGHS)
-(JESS LAUGHS)
323
00:13:21,552 --> 00:13:23,136
-NICK: This is fun.
-(LAUGHING)
324
00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:27,349
A-ha! I trusted you!
325
00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:28,976
-Get out of here.
-Nothing happened.
326
00:13:29,059 --> 00:13:31,186
-After everything we built.
-Go away, Jess, please.
327
00:13:31,270 --> 00:13:32,980
-Who are you?
-CAROLINE: No.
328
00:13:33,063 --> 00:13:35,065
Really, nothing happened.
I have a boyfriend.
329
00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:38,527
Wait, you have a boyfriend?
330
00:13:38,610 --> 00:13:39,778
Yeah, I've been seeing someone.
331
00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:42,573
I didn't bring him because
I didn't want to hurt your feelings,
332
00:13:42,656 --> 00:13:45,158
-but now I know that you have Jess…
-Yeah, he has me.
333
00:13:45,242 --> 00:13:46,660
And our baby!
334
00:13:46,743 --> 00:13:48,996
-Okay, I'm just gonna let you guys…
-(SIGHS)
335
00:13:49,079 --> 00:13:51,582
And our other baby!
336
00:13:51,665 --> 00:13:53,166
Jess, what happened with Brooke?
337
00:13:53,250 --> 00:13:54,626
-What?
-She just left here in tears
338
00:13:54,710 --> 00:13:56,962
because she said that you
threatened her with a knife?
339
00:13:57,045 --> 00:13:59,006
No, I was talking you up!
340
00:13:59,089 --> 00:14:00,591
You shouldn't have been talking me up.
341
00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:03,010
You should have been
taking care of Nick.
342
00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:05,637
Why is it so hard to do one thing?
343
00:14:05,721 --> 00:14:07,681
-How is this my fault?
-Ruiner.
344
00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:11,101
(SCOFFS) Did you just call me a ruiner?
345
00:14:11,185 --> 00:14:12,186
Yeah.
346
00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:16,773
Okay, you know what? Forget it.
I'm not helping you guys anymore.
347
00:14:16,857 --> 00:14:18,400
-Give me my teeth back.
-Stop it.
348
00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:20,611
-You don't appreciate them.
-Cool it!
349
00:14:20,986 --> 00:14:22,446
Give them back.
350
00:14:22,779 --> 00:14:26,617
I'm gonna have fun, 'cause there's
nothing wrong with who I am,
351
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,660
and I like having fun at weddings.
352
00:14:28,744 --> 00:14:29,995
And I like dancing.
353
00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:33,707
And if you don't like that,
then tough tater tots, tooter.
354
00:14:34,750 --> 00:14:35,959
Jess is back!
355
00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:38,253
(GROANS)
356
00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:40,923
(NICK SIGHS)
357
00:14:41,298 --> 00:14:44,801
Oh, you're going home
with me, aren't you?
358
00:14:46,178 --> 00:14:47,513
Oh…
359
00:14:49,848 --> 00:14:51,266
Good boy.
360
00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:53,894
(SMACKS)
361
00:14:57,523 --> 00:14:58,774
(SIGHS)
362
00:14:59,024 --> 00:15:00,442
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
363
00:15:02,319 --> 00:15:04,571
That's Caroline and that's me.
364
00:15:05,155 --> 00:15:06,240
Four years.
365
00:15:07,032 --> 00:15:08,825
Four years together, so…
366
00:15:09,701 --> 00:15:13,914
It doesn't matter to me.
It's just, what matters is respect.
367
00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:16,875
(SOBBING)
I'm just so alone right now, man.
368
00:15:16,959 --> 00:15:18,669
It is a real bad situation.
369
00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:20,003
Uh, Steve and Bree, babe.
370
00:15:20,087 --> 00:15:23,006
Steve and Bree, 'cause that's
what this is about. I agree with you.
371
00:15:23,090 --> 00:15:24,925
You're good at your job, babe.
372
00:15:25,008 --> 00:15:27,219
I'm so happy for you two.
373
00:15:27,302 --> 00:15:28,554
You look great.
374
00:15:28,637 --> 00:15:31,014
It feels a little bit like
you're rubbing it in my face,
375
00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:33,100
your little happiness,
but let's be honest, Bree,
376
00:15:33,183 --> 00:15:35,435
this doesn't look great on you, this.
377
00:15:36,061 --> 00:15:37,938
That's not a great look, Bree!
378
00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:40,858
Congratulations, Steve. Nice fedora.
379
00:15:40,941 --> 00:15:42,860
And no open bar, Steve?
380
00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:45,612
Don't you understand that's tacky?
381
00:15:45,696 --> 00:15:49,449
Your dad's rich, you're a lawyer, man.
382
00:15:50,576 --> 00:15:51,660
Yeah!
383
00:15:51,743 --> 00:15:53,287
That happened!
384
00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:57,583
(NICK EXHALES)
385
00:15:58,083 --> 00:16:00,919
The photo booth is a liar, FYI.
386
00:16:01,003 --> 00:16:04,173
Oh, hey, ladies, you guys want
to see a grown man cry?
387
00:16:04,256 --> 00:16:05,716
No? Then get out!
388
00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:09,678
I think I saw a single doctor
looking at you!
389
00:16:09,761 --> 00:16:11,972
This is gonna take a while, Orange.
390
00:16:15,225 --> 00:16:18,061
(JOHNNY MATHIS' CHANCES ARE PLAYS)
391
00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:21,398
Hi, there, partner.
392
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:22,900
(CHUCKLING)
393
00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:26,111
(SIGHS)
394
00:16:27,738 --> 00:16:30,532
Hey, can I tell you something
you promise to never tell Schmidt?
395
00:16:31,617 --> 00:16:33,118
I love bubbles.
396
00:16:33,202 --> 00:16:36,955
(CHUCKLES) I don't know why,
I just always have.
397
00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:38,498
(CHUCKLES) You see that?
398
00:16:38,582 --> 00:16:39,958
-That was like two in one.
-Oh!
399
00:16:42,753 --> 00:16:43,795
You okay?
400
00:16:44,630 --> 00:16:45,797
Yeah, I'm fine.
401
00:16:45,881 --> 00:16:47,508
Those guys were jerks.
402
00:16:48,300 --> 00:16:50,052
But I know they're glad you're around.
403
00:16:50,928 --> 00:16:53,096
-Really?
-Yeah!
404
00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:55,349
They're not just gonna
come out and say it, though.
405
00:16:55,432 --> 00:16:58,602
Especially Nick, you know,
but they're all thinking it.
406
00:16:58,685 --> 00:16:59,770
Even me.
407
00:17:00,479 --> 00:17:01,897
Most of the time.
408
00:17:04,441 --> 00:17:08,737
It was weird when I was stuck
in a freak sandwich
409
00:17:08,820 --> 00:17:10,781
between you and that eight-year-old.
410
00:17:10,864 --> 00:17:12,282
Do you want to talk about that?
411
00:17:12,908 --> 00:17:16,495
You know, it's just that he got
to be a bit annoying, so…
412
00:17:16,578 --> 00:17:20,082
I kind of took my feelings out
with dance…
413
00:17:20,582 --> 00:17:21,583
(CHUCKLES)
414
00:17:21,667 --> 00:17:24,336
Okay, so, uh, we have a situation.
415
00:17:24,419 --> 00:17:28,048
NICK: But I'm gonna leave the booth to
clowns, but I'm not gonna leave it, so…
416
00:17:28,131 --> 00:17:29,758
Hey, Nick. How you doing, buddy?
417
00:17:29,842 --> 00:17:33,470
They want me to leave the booth,
but I'm staying.
418
00:17:33,554 --> 00:17:36,640
This is my home now.
It's got everything that I need.
419
00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:38,433
You can see by looking at these pictures
420
00:17:38,517 --> 00:17:41,103
that he's experiencing
a variety of different emotions.
421
00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:43,856
This one is…
Well, that's actually his butt.
422
00:17:43,939 --> 00:17:45,148
He just keeps saying "Jess."
423
00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:49,611
Jess, the fact is
that I was a mean person
424
00:17:49,695 --> 00:17:51,488
and I'm sorry, okay?
425
00:17:55,617 --> 00:17:56,994
Hi, Nicholas.
426
00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:58,954
Hey, Jess, I live in a photo booth now.
427
00:17:59,037 --> 00:18:00,414
-Oh, is that so?
-Yep.
428
00:18:00,497 --> 00:18:02,416
Come on in, come on in.
429
00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:03,917
-Thank you.
-That's the kitchen area.
430
00:18:04,001 --> 00:18:05,752
-Very nice.
-This is the common area.
431
00:18:05,836 --> 00:18:07,296
-Okay.
-Dining room, living room,
432
00:18:07,379 --> 00:18:10,215
-kind of everything.
-(CHUCKLING) It's very nice.
433
00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:11,967
Hey.
434
00:18:13,260 --> 00:18:14,678
-She has a boyfriend.
-Yeah.
435
00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:17,514
She shouldn't have been
flirting with you all night.
436
00:18:17,598 --> 00:18:19,933
You can't be her backup plan.
437
00:18:20,350 --> 00:18:22,227
You have to let each other go.
438
00:18:22,728 --> 00:18:25,439
So, now, you have to make a decision.
439
00:18:25,898 --> 00:18:29,776
"Am I gonna stay locked
in a photo booth for the next hour,
440
00:18:29,860 --> 00:18:34,364
"or am I gonna get out there,
take my shoes off,
441
00:18:34,448 --> 00:18:36,533
-"and dance my face off?"
-(SNICKERS)
442
00:18:36,617 --> 00:18:37,784
(CHUCKLES)
443
00:18:38,410 --> 00:18:39,953
Come on, it's up to you.
444
00:18:45,751 --> 00:18:46,919
Oh, man.
445
00:18:48,378 --> 00:18:49,505
All right.
446
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:53,592
I love you, photo booth.
447
00:18:56,094 --> 00:18:57,930
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYS)
448
00:18:58,013 --> 00:18:59,890
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
449
00:19:02,768 --> 00:19:04,686
Yo, look at him.
450
00:19:05,062 --> 00:19:06,063
(INAUDIBLE)
451
00:19:06,146 --> 00:19:07,439
He looks better.
452
00:19:07,523 --> 00:19:09,316
I can't do this anymore.
453
00:19:10,692 --> 00:19:13,695
-I have to let you go, Caroline, for real.
-(SIGHS HEAVILY)
454
00:19:13,779 --> 00:19:15,197
It has to be over.
455
00:19:16,490 --> 00:19:17,741
(SIGHS)
456
00:19:21,370 --> 00:19:22,621
Goodbye.
457
00:19:22,704 --> 00:19:24,706
Good luck and everything.
458
00:19:28,669 --> 00:19:29,920
Goodbye.
459
00:19:31,296 --> 00:19:35,217
All right, um, I've got to…
Excuse me.
460
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:37,845
(PHIL COLLINS'
A GROOVY KIND OF LOVE PLAYING)
461
00:19:40,222 --> 00:19:41,223
(SIGHS)
462
00:19:42,599 --> 00:19:45,811
When I'm feeling blue…
463
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:48,438
-Come on, Jess.
-What?
464
00:19:48,522 --> 00:19:50,774
Just please…
Just come with me right now.
465
00:19:50,858 --> 00:19:52,484
-Okay.
-Thank you.
466
00:19:52,568 --> 00:19:55,946
(SONG CONTINUES)
Then I'm not so blue
467
00:19:56,029 --> 00:19:58,991
When you're close to me
468
00:19:59,074 --> 00:20:02,786
I can feel your heart beat
469
00:20:02,870 --> 00:20:09,293
I can hear you breathing in my ear
470
00:20:09,376 --> 00:20:12,546
Wouldn't you agree?
471
00:20:12,629 --> 00:20:18,844
Baby, you and me
got a groovy kind of love…
472
00:20:18,927 --> 00:20:20,971
That looks like so much fun.
473
00:20:21,054 --> 00:20:22,556
(SONG CONTINUES PLAYING)
474
00:20:22,639 --> 00:20:25,726
Anytime you want to
475
00:20:25,809 --> 00:20:26,810
(WINSTON CHUCKLING)
476
00:20:26,894 --> 00:20:30,606
You can turn me on to
anything you want to…
477
00:20:30,689 --> 00:20:31,773
WINSTON: Okay.
478
00:20:32,566 --> 00:20:35,903
Anytime at all
479
00:20:35,986 --> 00:20:39,239
When I kiss your lips
480
00:20:39,323 --> 00:20:42,534
Ooh, I start to shiver
481
00:20:42,618 --> 00:20:49,124
Can't control the quivering inside
482
00:20:49,208 --> 00:20:52,377
Wouldn't you agree?
483
00:20:52,461 --> 00:20:56,298
Baby, you and me
got a groovy kind of love…
484
00:20:56,381 --> 00:20:57,841
Check out my beaks.
485
00:20:58,926 --> 00:21:00,552
Stop copying my beaks.
486
00:21:09,353 --> 00:21:13,482
(SIGHS) Gretchen, you think that,
like, hooking up at all these weddings…
487
00:21:13,565 --> 00:21:16,109
I mean, one of these times,
we can go on an actual date?
488
00:21:16,693 --> 00:21:20,030
No. I'm just using you for your body.
489
00:21:21,156 --> 00:21:24,618
Oh. Okay. Cool.
490
00:21:24,701 --> 00:21:26,078
How many more of these things?
491
00:21:26,745 --> 00:21:28,413
We're just getting started.
492
00:21:28,497 --> 00:21:29,706
(SIGHS)
493
00:21:30,332 --> 00:21:32,626
-That yellow helmet is… Ugh!
-Mmm.
494
00:21:32,709 --> 00:21:36,630
Tonight I'm gonna get certified
on the River Schmidt.
36252
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