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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,460 --> 00:00:04,129 It's our first wedding together, so we need nicknames. 2 00:00:04,213 --> 00:00:07,466 Nick is Knickknack, or Mr. Suspenders. 3 00:00:07,549 --> 00:00:10,802 No nicknames. Your only job tonight is to be Nick's girlfriend, okay? 4 00:00:10,886 --> 00:00:13,305 And make sure that he stays out of trouble with Caroline. 5 00:00:13,388 --> 00:00:15,682 -Why can't you and Winston help? -We've tried. 6 00:00:15,766 --> 00:00:17,142 He doesn't listen to us anymore. 7 00:00:17,226 --> 00:00:20,270 -(CRYING) -Look, she's not coming back. 8 00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,480 He's right. I don't. 9 00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:23,106 (SINGS) Da, da-da, dah! 10 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:25,359 -No! -That is the ugliest dress 11 00:00:25,442 --> 00:00:27,319 I have ever seen, Jess. 12 00:00:27,402 --> 00:00:29,738 I'm really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay? 13 00:00:29,821 --> 00:00:31,782 When I see you, I want to be thinking, 14 00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:34,576 "Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?" 15 00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:37,120 (IN COCKNEY ACCENT) Probably the slut butler, right? 16 00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:39,790 -(LAUGHING) -Yo, let's go. We can't be late. 17 00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:42,459 -I am in the wedding. -You're the usher, so relax. 18 00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:44,628 I'll be busy. That way, I won't have to sit around 19 00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:46,588 answering a bunch of stupid questions all day. 20 00:00:46,672 --> 00:00:48,173 -Like, do you have a job? -(GROANS) 21 00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:49,675 Are you still playing basketball? 22 00:00:49,758 --> 00:00:52,761 Does it look like I'm still playing overseas basketball? 23 00:00:52,845 --> 00:00:54,304 What is the matter with you? 24 00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:56,223 This is the first job I've had in two months. 25 00:00:56,306 --> 00:00:59,017 I really want to get in there and ush this wedding in the face! 26 00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:00,519 You're gonna be great, man. 27 00:01:00,602 --> 00:01:03,313 When we do the chicken dance, I do it a little bit differently. 28 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:04,982 I know that it usually goes, like… 29 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,484 (SINGING) Da-da, da-da, da-da, da Da-da, da-da, da-da, da 30 00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:08,902 (HUMMING) 31 00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:11,822 But instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck. 32 00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:13,574 'Cause it's more realistic. 33 00:01:13,657 --> 00:01:15,117 No chicken dance! 34 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:16,785 Look, we're not trying to be mean. 35 00:01:16,869 --> 00:01:20,122 We just don't want you to be yourself…in any way. 36 00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:23,792 Okay. Suppress the Jess. Got it. 37 00:01:24,543 --> 00:01:25,878 Did you use my hair gel? 38 00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,046 -Did I use your hair gel? -I'm not gonna be mad. 39 00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:29,673 -Just let me know if you did. -(SCOFFS) 40 00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:31,008 -No. -You sure? 41 00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:33,760 -I used your hair gel. -Are you serious? 42 00:01:33,844 --> 00:01:36,096 NICK: Yeah. It's… 43 00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:39,683 Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house? 44 00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:42,144 Wow. You look great. 45 00:01:42,227 --> 00:01:45,230 Let's go knock biscuits, brother-cousins. 46 00:01:45,314 --> 00:01:47,274 -No! -No teeth, Jess. 47 00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:49,860 -You can't use prop teeth. -JESS: Come on, guys. 48 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:52,529 These are hilarious. Kids love these. 49 00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:55,490 (SINGING) Who's that girl? 50 00:01:55,574 --> 00:01:57,743 -Who's that girl? -It's Jess! 51 00:02:05,083 --> 00:02:07,127 You want to know one of my beauty secrets? 52 00:02:07,211 --> 00:02:09,004 The only way I could fit in this dress 53 00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:11,840 was by wearing little girl's bicycle shorts underneath. 54 00:02:11,924 --> 00:02:13,258 They are tight 55 00:02:13,342 --> 00:02:15,385 (SINGING) I will not be peeing tonight! 56 00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:16,595 Oh, my God, bubbles. 57 00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:18,680 No, no, no, Jess. No bubbles, no bubbles, please. 58 00:02:18,764 --> 00:02:22,059 Ooh, a lot of big game here tonight. Yo. 59 00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:25,729 -Oh. Oh, there's Brooke. -JESS: Who's Brooke? 60 00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:27,523 He's been into her since freshman year. 61 00:02:27,606 --> 00:02:29,608 She used to get drunk and pass out on our porch. 62 00:02:29,691 --> 00:02:31,318 It was like having a hot, alcoholic cat. 63 00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:32,778 I'd always leave water out for her. 64 00:02:32,861 --> 00:02:34,821 Okay. Tonight just got real. 65 00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:36,657 She goes on top of the kill list. 66 00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:39,952 Is that because you're gonna attempt to kill her by having sex with her? 67 00:02:40,035 --> 00:02:41,453 More or less, yeah. 68 00:02:41,537 --> 00:02:43,956 Oh, Schmidt, one day you're gonna kill the nicest girl. 69 00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:50,838 Look at my new boyfriend. So fancy in his big boy tie. 70 00:02:50,921 --> 00:02:52,422 Jess, would you please stop? 71 00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:55,050 What is it with Caroline? You're like a different person. 72 00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:57,761 Just focus on getting through today, please. 73 00:02:57,845 --> 00:03:01,265 -Okay, Mr. Boy T. Friend. -What did I tell you? 74 00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:02,975 -Don't be myself. -Yes. 75 00:03:03,058 --> 00:03:06,144 That's what I love about our relationship. You never let me be myself. 76 00:03:08,647 --> 00:03:09,898 MAN: (WHISPERS) Hey! 77 00:03:09,982 --> 00:03:12,276 -Winston! -Hey. 78 00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:13,944 -You're back. -Yeah. 79 00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:15,904 What are you up to? Where you working at? 80 00:03:15,988 --> 00:03:18,282 Here. As an usher. 81 00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:20,784 Hi. What a beautiful dress. 82 00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:24,162 I'm surprised you noticed the dress. I was distracted by the woman inside. 83 00:03:25,831 --> 00:03:28,834 -Jimmy Longjam, alternate usher. -Alternate usher. (CHUCKLES) 84 00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:30,711 I mean, I'm here. I'm the usher. 85 00:03:30,794 --> 00:03:32,296 You were late. It's called commitment. 86 00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:34,006 Look it up in a typewriter, old man. 87 00:03:34,089 --> 00:03:36,008 -What? -How much money do you make? 88 00:03:36,091 --> 00:03:37,092 Where is your mother? 89 00:03:37,176 --> 00:03:39,553 WOMAN: Can someone help me? BOTH: Hello. Bride or groom? 90 00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:40,971 Oh, thank you. 91 00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:43,640 (CLICKS TONGUE) 92 00:03:47,686 --> 00:03:49,646 Oh, no. No, not tonight. 93 00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:51,023 No! (SIGHS) 94 00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:54,193 -Who is that? -It's Gretchen Nelson. 95 00:03:54,276 --> 00:03:56,320 She's a terrible person. We can't stand each other. 96 00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:59,615 At every wedding, we end up… Having sex. 97 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,659 -(MOANING) -(WEDDING MARCH PLAYS) 98 00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:03,994 GRETCHEN: Oh! (GRUNTS) 99 00:04:04,453 --> 00:04:06,997 -(LOUD GRUNTING) -(TRADITIONAL JEWISH MUSIC PLAYS) 100 00:04:10,042 --> 00:04:11,460 I mean, look, the sex is amazing. 101 00:04:12,127 --> 00:04:15,005 -Oh, she's coming over. -Hey, there are those people that we know. 102 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,256 Oh, what people? 103 00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:17,591 (CLEARS THROAT) 104 00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:19,801 Hello, Gretchen. 105 00:04:19,885 --> 00:04:21,094 Mmm-hmm. 106 00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:22,513 I see you wore the pantsuit again. 107 00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:23,805 This is a new one. 108 00:04:23,889 --> 00:04:27,059 It's got way more stretch…in the pants. 109 00:04:27,142 --> 00:04:29,019 -That's horrible. -Are you ready for tonight? 110 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:32,898 I'm gonna tie you down and show you pictures of my river rafting trip. 111 00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:34,483 Oh, my God, how many are there? 112 00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:36,068 It's a two-hour slideshow. 113 00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:38,111 No, Gretchen. We can't do this anymore, okay? 114 00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:39,488 It's not… It's not healthy. 115 00:04:39,571 --> 00:04:41,031 -All right? Please, no more. -Yeah. 116 00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:44,910 -(CHUCKLES) -There she is. There she is. 117 00:04:44,993 --> 00:04:46,703 She's right over there. There she is. 118 00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:48,705 She's right over here. She's right… 119 00:04:49,373 --> 00:04:50,749 -Just be cool… -Okay, okay. 120 00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:51,834 Hi. 121 00:04:51,917 --> 00:04:54,878 Hey, Caroline. Wow. I didn't know you were gonna be here. 122 00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,129 Great to see you. 123 00:04:56,213 --> 00:04:57,840 Nicholas, you have to introduce me. 124 00:04:57,923 --> 00:04:59,383 Uh, yeah, of course. 125 00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:01,468 Uh, Jess, this is Caroline. 126 00:05:01,552 --> 00:05:04,137 -Hi. -One more time. Cara-lee? 127 00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:05,806 -Uh, Caroline. -Caraloo? 128 00:05:05,889 --> 00:05:07,432 -Coraline? -Caroline. 129 00:05:07,516 --> 00:05:10,060 Okay. Fancy. 130 00:05:10,686 --> 00:05:14,189 Well, I'm Nicholas's girlfriend. We just started dating, 131 00:05:14,273 --> 00:05:17,526 -so we're still in that honeymoon phase. -(NICK AND JESS CHUCKLE) 132 00:05:17,609 --> 00:05:19,653 I barely sleep. So much doing it. 133 00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:21,780 -So much doing it. It's crazy. -(BOTH CHUCKLE) 134 00:05:21,864 --> 00:05:23,699 He's so soft, like a towel. 135 00:05:23,782 --> 00:05:25,826 Well, uh, it was nice to meet you. 136 00:05:25,909 --> 00:05:27,786 So nice to meet you, too, Carol. 137 00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:28,871 Caroline. 138 00:05:28,954 --> 00:05:32,124 -(LAUGHING) I give up! -I guess I'll see you later. 139 00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:33,584 For sure. For sure. For… 140 00:05:37,796 --> 00:05:39,381 Oh, my God. Was she jealous? 141 00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:42,050 I think she was jealous. You did so good. 142 00:05:42,134 --> 00:05:43,510 That was remarkable. 143 00:05:43,594 --> 00:05:46,388 I just done what my mama learnt me. 144 00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:47,472 Give me the teeth. 145 00:05:51,977 --> 00:05:53,854 (CLASSIC ROCK SONG PLAYING) 146 00:06:00,944 --> 00:06:01,945 Brooke. 147 00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,822 Hi. Wow. 148 00:06:03,906 --> 00:06:05,073 Schmidt. 149 00:06:05,991 --> 00:06:08,076 You used to borrow my poncho freshman year. 150 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:09,328 Remember that? No. 151 00:06:12,331 --> 00:06:13,749 Fat Schmidt? 152 00:06:14,416 --> 00:06:15,501 Fat Schmidt! 153 00:06:15,584 --> 00:06:17,336 -Of course! Wow. -Yeah. (CHUCKLES) 154 00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,254 You look great. 155 00:06:19,338 --> 00:06:21,256 You, also, for sure. 156 00:06:21,340 --> 00:06:22,799 Um, how are your classes? 157 00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:25,177 Not that we're… Not that we're in school anymore. 158 00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:26,303 I know that. 159 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,555 What are you drinking? White wine? 160 00:06:28,639 --> 00:06:31,683 I'm not drinking. I'm sober, six months. 161 00:06:31,767 --> 00:06:33,185 Can I get a seltzer, please? 162 00:06:33,268 --> 00:06:34,603 Me, too. 163 00:06:34,686 --> 00:06:37,397 -You're six months sober, also? -Seven months. One more. 164 00:06:37,481 --> 00:06:40,901 Wow. That's great. Congratulations. 165 00:06:40,984 --> 00:06:42,027 Here's your, uh, white wine. 166 00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:45,072 What? What? That's a mistake. No, I didn't order that. No! 167 00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:46,323 No, sir! 168 00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,242 (SIGHS) Even the… Even smell of it. 169 00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:49,952 I'm gonna run back to my table. 170 00:06:50,786 --> 00:06:53,205 But you can come talk to me if you need to. 171 00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:55,082 Oh. Okay, thank you. 172 00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:58,585 So what I need you to do is this. 173 00:06:58,669 --> 00:07:01,296 I need you to put vodka in a water bottle, okay? 174 00:07:01,380 --> 00:07:03,841 Then rendezvous with me in the restroom, okay? 175 00:07:05,217 --> 00:07:07,511 Same page? Same page? 176 00:07:07,803 --> 00:07:09,137 (LAUGHS) 177 00:07:10,973 --> 00:07:12,933 This kid is pushing my buttons. 178 00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:15,727 Winston, he's just a little boy. Relax. 179 00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:18,146 If Brooke asks, I'm six months clean and sober, 180 00:07:18,230 --> 00:07:19,481 and looking to settle down. 181 00:07:19,565 --> 00:07:21,650 Great. Schmidt's sober. 182 00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:24,945 -What are you doing? -She's looking at us. 183 00:07:27,823 --> 00:07:30,284 Your head is shaped like a yam. 184 00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:32,077 Yeah, I know. I can't wear soft hats. 185 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:33,871 -Uh-huh. -Hey, when she comes here, 186 00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,914 -I want to talk to her by myself. -Are you sure? 187 00:07:35,998 --> 00:07:37,040 Jess, I'm fine, for real. 188 00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:38,166 Hi. 189 00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:40,544 Could that ceremony have lasted any longer? 190 00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:42,171 -It really was… -Ha, ha. We loved it. 191 00:07:42,254 --> 00:07:44,715 Taking notes in case Mr. Commitment-Phobe over here 192 00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,592 decides to make an honest woman out of me. 193 00:07:46,675 --> 00:07:48,844 -Oh. -Hey, Jess, 194 00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:51,138 did you want to go do that thing from… 195 00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:52,931 -Yes, I did. -I want to do it very badly. 196 00:07:53,015 --> 00:07:54,099 -Yup. -Thank you. 197 00:07:54,183 --> 00:08:00,564 And now, for the first time ever, Mr. and Mrs. Handelman-Pyong. 198 00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:01,940 (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS) 199 00:08:02,024 --> 00:08:04,151 (APPLAUSE, CHEERING AND WHISTLING) 200 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:09,907 Yay! Bride and groom! 201 00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,742 Make way! 202 00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:15,204 Huzzah! Celebrate love! 203 00:08:15,287 --> 00:08:20,042 Get ready for a wonderful life of merriment and joy. 204 00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:23,712 Jess is…great. 205 00:08:23,795 --> 00:08:26,173 -The best. Yeah, so happy. -(CHUCKLES) 206 00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:28,383 Are you guys pretty serious, or… 207 00:08:28,467 --> 00:08:30,886 Yeah, we are pretty serious. 208 00:08:30,969 --> 00:08:32,387 Yeah, we live together. 209 00:08:32,471 --> 00:08:34,473 I mean, different bedrooms, but shared bathroom, 210 00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:35,974 so that's something. 211 00:08:36,767 --> 00:08:38,685 Alcohol. Any kind of alcohol you have. 212 00:08:38,769 --> 00:08:40,229 Just give me anything. 213 00:08:41,813 --> 00:08:42,981 -Thank you. -Give me that. 214 00:08:43,065 --> 00:08:44,233 Oh, God. 215 00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:47,486 It's like you're lapping it out of a puddle. 216 00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:50,697 Ugh! Where'd you get those boots, off a lady hiker? 217 00:08:50,781 --> 00:08:53,408 Look at those earrings. Are they clip-ons? 218 00:08:53,951 --> 00:08:55,452 I'm gonna make you wear them. 219 00:08:55,536 --> 00:08:56,828 (SIGHS) 220 00:08:58,580 --> 00:09:00,916 -Huh? No. -No? 221 00:09:00,999 --> 00:09:03,126 (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) 222 00:09:05,337 --> 00:09:07,047 Is it bad that I can't feel my legs? 223 00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:09,216 Yes. Now let's talk about my problems. 224 00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:11,426 Jess, I have to go home with Brooke tonight. 225 00:09:11,510 --> 00:09:13,679 I deserve someone like Brooke. She's perfect. 226 00:09:13,762 --> 00:09:16,515 And it doesn't matter that I have gymnastic, 227 00:09:16,598 --> 00:09:19,726 mean-spirited, highly educational sex with Gretchen. 228 00:09:19,810 --> 00:09:22,729 It's just, that's not what I want to do anymore, okay? Not tonight. 229 00:09:22,813 --> 00:09:24,231 What's so bad about liking Gretchen? 230 00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:26,775 I mean, you guys obviously have, like, a weird connection. 231 00:09:26,859 --> 00:09:28,735 No, no, no, no, I want to connect with Brooke. 232 00:09:28,819 --> 00:09:31,238 I want to connect with her in the shower, on the floor… 233 00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:33,365 -Okay, you know what? -…sitting Indian style. 234 00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:35,868 Keep talking, but I'm going to put my hands over my ears. 235 00:09:35,951 --> 00:09:37,703 -We got a problem. -SCHMIDT: What? 236 00:09:39,288 --> 00:09:40,914 Jess, what did you do? 237 00:09:40,998 --> 00:09:43,166 What? They're fine, they're just talking. 238 00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:46,879 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. With Caroline he is not fine. 239 00:09:46,962 --> 00:09:49,381 Okay, he ran into her at a party two months ago, 240 00:09:49,464 --> 00:09:52,009 then sent me a ten-page e-mail about what she meant 241 00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:53,677 when she said, "I'll see you soon." 242 00:09:53,969 --> 00:09:57,890 She will flirt with him until she knows she can have him. 243 00:09:57,973 --> 00:09:59,641 It's like he's her backup plan. 244 00:09:59,725 --> 00:10:00,851 I didn't know that. 245 00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,102 You want to live with Nick 246 00:10:02,186 --> 00:10:04,313 when he's not showering and crying all day? 247 00:10:04,396 --> 00:10:05,981 He sounds like this. (SOBBING RAPIDLY) 248 00:10:06,064 --> 00:10:08,692 Ever heard a grown man sob and listen to Simon and Garfunkel? 249 00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:09,818 -Yeah, my dad. -Yeah. 250 00:10:09,902 --> 00:10:11,778 Okay, I get it. But I just… 251 00:10:11,862 --> 00:10:13,655 These bicycle shorts are really tight. 252 00:10:13,739 --> 00:10:17,492 -Come on, work through it, woman. -Okay, okay. 253 00:10:18,076 --> 00:10:19,203 Okay. 254 00:10:20,746 --> 00:10:22,080 It's all on you, Jess. 255 00:10:22,164 --> 00:10:23,415 (ROCK SONG PLAYING) 256 00:10:27,669 --> 00:10:29,046 Come on in, honey. 257 00:10:30,005 --> 00:10:31,006 The water's fine. 258 00:10:31,089 --> 00:10:32,966 Jess, you know I don't dance. 259 00:10:33,050 --> 00:10:35,677 Oh, but you didn't know that I did this. 260 00:10:35,761 --> 00:10:37,304 I'm mime-walking. 261 00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:39,056 -I'm Mime-chael Jackson. -(CHUCKLES) 262 00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:40,349 -I'm gonna get a drink. -Me, too. 263 00:10:40,432 --> 00:10:41,725 Nick, wait, no. 264 00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:43,227 Jess, relax, this is good. 265 00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:45,771 I may actually have a chance, and it's all because of you, 266 00:10:45,854 --> 00:10:48,023 -so thank you. -No, Nick, that wasn't my intention. 267 00:10:48,106 --> 00:10:50,192 -Nick… -Oh, hi. 268 00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:53,487 I don't feel like dancing right now. I'm sorry. 269 00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:56,156 (SONG CONTINUES PLAYING) 270 00:10:57,908 --> 00:10:59,993 I'm really uncomfortable right now. 271 00:11:01,286 --> 00:11:03,038 Oh, Winston, thank God! Nick got away. 272 00:11:03,121 --> 00:11:05,541 Nick can wait. This… 273 00:11:05,958 --> 00:11:07,167 This is about honor. 274 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:09,503 (PEOPLE CHEERING) 275 00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:13,924 And…it looks like we have a dance-off! 276 00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,013 What? 277 00:11:21,098 --> 00:11:22,474 Oh, my God, what are you doing? 278 00:11:22,558 --> 00:11:23,600 Mommy? 279 00:11:23,684 --> 00:11:25,102 (PEOPLE GROANING) 280 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:30,524 Nick? Nick? 281 00:11:34,319 --> 00:11:35,571 A chocolate fountain. 282 00:11:35,654 --> 00:11:38,240 Reminds me of the one in Tuscany. You ever been? 283 00:11:38,490 --> 00:11:40,576 Yeah. I was just there for New Year's. 284 00:11:40,659 --> 00:11:42,202 Where's the chocolate fountain? 285 00:11:42,286 --> 00:11:45,455 I don't know, I've never been. I'm just fascinated with the culture. 286 00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:50,294 Schmidt! Schmidt, I need you to help me get these off so I can go find Nick! 287 00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:52,254 God, are you friends with that girl? 288 00:11:53,755 --> 00:11:56,133 -Schmidt! -Okay, look, I… 289 00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:58,969 I didn't want to have to tell you this, but… 290 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:02,097 She was a mistake I made when I hit rock bottom. 291 00:12:02,181 --> 00:12:04,183 It was like I was her Sid and she was my Nancy, 292 00:12:04,266 --> 00:12:06,393 and then I got sober and she couldn't deal with it, 293 00:12:06,476 --> 00:12:09,188 and the poor thing just went… She went crazy. 294 00:12:09,271 --> 00:12:11,273 I need you to come help me slap my thighs around! 295 00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:14,693 I don't want to scare you, but she can be really dangerous when she drinks. 296 00:12:14,776 --> 00:12:18,155 Okay? I shouldn't even be in the same room with her, it's just… 297 00:12:18,447 --> 00:12:20,490 (SIGHS) It feels so good talking to you. 298 00:12:20,574 --> 00:12:22,868 Maybe we should get you out of here. 299 00:12:22,951 --> 00:12:24,161 What a great idea. Yes! 300 00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,246 I just have to go to the bathroom really quickly. 301 00:12:26,330 --> 00:12:28,832 Whatever… Whatever you need. whatever… Of course. 302 00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:30,083 (FLASHBULB POPS) 303 00:12:30,167 --> 00:12:31,460 Ready? No lips. 304 00:12:31,793 --> 00:12:34,796 -Name one, name one. -Do, uh, wind tunnel. 305 00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:36,089 Super high driver's license. 306 00:12:36,173 --> 00:12:37,674 (LAUGHING) 307 00:12:37,758 --> 00:12:40,302 Can we stay in here all night? 308 00:12:44,765 --> 00:12:46,517 -JESS: Oh, hi. -(GASPS) 309 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,727 (SINGSONG) Schmidt is very fond of you. 310 00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,145 Um, look, I don't… 311 00:12:50,229 --> 00:12:53,065 I, uh… I don't even really know him that well, okay? 312 00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:56,109 Oh. I'm just cutting off my underwear. You know. 313 00:12:56,193 --> 00:12:57,277 (SINGSONG) Girl stuff. 314 00:12:58,445 --> 00:13:00,656 (GRUNTING) 315 00:13:01,490 --> 00:13:02,741 (RELIEVED SIGH) 316 00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:04,159 (EXHALES LOUDLY) 317 00:13:04,368 --> 00:13:05,702 So tight. 318 00:13:06,328 --> 00:13:09,414 Well, it's been really nice chatting with you. 319 00:13:09,498 --> 00:13:13,001 But I've got a pretend boyfriend to hunt down. I think he's cheating on me. 320 00:13:13,085 --> 00:13:14,169 (CHUCKLES) 321 00:13:14,253 --> 00:13:17,548 Oh, and don't break Schmidt's heart, or you'll have me to deal with. 322 00:13:18,173 --> 00:13:19,967 -(SIGHS) -(JESS LAUGHS) 323 00:13:21,552 --> 00:13:23,136 -NICK: This is fun. -(LAUGHING) 324 00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:27,349 A-ha! I trusted you! 325 00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:28,976 -Get out of here. -Nothing happened. 326 00:13:29,059 --> 00:13:31,186 -After everything we built. -Go away, Jess, please. 327 00:13:31,270 --> 00:13:32,980 -Who are you? -CAROLINE: No. 328 00:13:33,063 --> 00:13:35,065 Really, nothing happened. I have a boyfriend. 329 00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:38,527 Wait, you have a boyfriend? 330 00:13:38,610 --> 00:13:39,778 Yeah, I've been seeing someone. 331 00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:42,573 I didn't bring him because I didn't want to hurt your feelings, 332 00:13:42,656 --> 00:13:45,158 -but now I know that you have Jess… -Yeah, he has me. 333 00:13:45,242 --> 00:13:46,660 And our baby! 334 00:13:46,743 --> 00:13:48,996 -Okay, I'm just gonna let you guys… -(SIGHS) 335 00:13:49,079 --> 00:13:51,582 And our other baby! 336 00:13:51,665 --> 00:13:53,166 Jess, what happened with Brooke? 337 00:13:53,250 --> 00:13:54,626 -What? -She just left here in tears 338 00:13:54,710 --> 00:13:56,962 because she said that you threatened her with a knife? 339 00:13:57,045 --> 00:13:59,006 No, I was talking you up! 340 00:13:59,089 --> 00:14:00,591 You shouldn't have been talking me up. 341 00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:03,010 You should have been taking care of Nick. 342 00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:05,637 Why is it so hard to do one thing? 343 00:14:05,721 --> 00:14:07,681 -How is this my fault? -Ruiner. 344 00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:11,101 (SCOFFS) Did you just call me a ruiner? 345 00:14:11,185 --> 00:14:12,186 Yeah. 346 00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:16,773 Okay, you know what? Forget it. I'm not helping you guys anymore. 347 00:14:16,857 --> 00:14:18,400 -Give me my teeth back. -Stop it. 348 00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:20,611 -You don't appreciate them. -Cool it! 349 00:14:20,986 --> 00:14:22,446 Give them back. 350 00:14:22,779 --> 00:14:26,617 I'm gonna have fun, 'cause there's nothing wrong with who I am, 351 00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,660 and I like having fun at weddings. 352 00:14:28,744 --> 00:14:29,995 And I like dancing. 353 00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:33,707 And if you don't like that, then tough tater tots, tooter. 354 00:14:34,750 --> 00:14:35,959 Jess is back! 355 00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:38,253 (GROANS) 356 00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:40,923 (NICK SIGHS) 357 00:14:41,298 --> 00:14:44,801 Oh, you're going home with me, aren't you? 358 00:14:46,178 --> 00:14:47,513 Oh… 359 00:14:49,848 --> 00:14:51,266 Good boy. 360 00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:53,894 (SMACKS) 361 00:14:57,523 --> 00:14:58,774 (SIGHS) 362 00:14:59,024 --> 00:15:00,442 (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) 363 00:15:02,319 --> 00:15:04,571 That's Caroline and that's me. 364 00:15:05,155 --> 00:15:06,240 Four years. 365 00:15:07,032 --> 00:15:08,825 Four years together, so… 366 00:15:09,701 --> 00:15:13,914 It doesn't matter to me. It's just, what matters is respect. 367 00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:16,875 (SOBBING) I'm just so alone right now, man. 368 00:15:16,959 --> 00:15:18,669 It is a real bad situation. 369 00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:20,003 Uh, Steve and Bree, babe. 370 00:15:20,087 --> 00:15:23,006 Steve and Bree, 'cause that's what this is about. I agree with you. 371 00:15:23,090 --> 00:15:24,925 You're good at your job, babe. 372 00:15:25,008 --> 00:15:27,219 I'm so happy for you two. 373 00:15:27,302 --> 00:15:28,554 You look great. 374 00:15:28,637 --> 00:15:31,014 It feels a little bit like you're rubbing it in my face, 375 00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:33,100 your little happiness, but let's be honest, Bree, 376 00:15:33,183 --> 00:15:35,435 this doesn't look great on you, this. 377 00:15:36,061 --> 00:15:37,938 That's not a great look, Bree! 378 00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:40,858 Congratulations, Steve. Nice fedora. 379 00:15:40,941 --> 00:15:42,860 And no open bar, Steve? 380 00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:45,612 Don't you understand that's tacky? 381 00:15:45,696 --> 00:15:49,449 Your dad's rich, you're a lawyer, man. 382 00:15:50,576 --> 00:15:51,660 Yeah! 383 00:15:51,743 --> 00:15:53,287 That happened! 384 00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:57,583 (NICK EXHALES) 385 00:15:58,083 --> 00:16:00,919 The photo booth is a liar, FYI. 386 00:16:01,003 --> 00:16:04,173 Oh, hey, ladies, you guys want to see a grown man cry? 387 00:16:04,256 --> 00:16:05,716 No? Then get out! 388 00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:09,678 I think I saw a single doctor looking at you! 389 00:16:09,761 --> 00:16:11,972 This is gonna take a while, Orange. 390 00:16:15,225 --> 00:16:18,061 (JOHNNY MATHIS' CHANCES ARE PLAYS) 391 00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:21,398 Hi, there, partner. 392 00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:22,900 (CHUCKLING) 393 00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:26,111 (SIGHS) 394 00:16:27,738 --> 00:16:30,532 Hey, can I tell you something you promise to never tell Schmidt? 395 00:16:31,617 --> 00:16:33,118 I love bubbles. 396 00:16:33,202 --> 00:16:36,955 (CHUCKLES) I don't know why, I just always have. 397 00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:38,498 (CHUCKLES) You see that? 398 00:16:38,582 --> 00:16:39,958 -That was like two in one. -Oh! 399 00:16:42,753 --> 00:16:43,795 You okay? 400 00:16:44,630 --> 00:16:45,797 Yeah, I'm fine. 401 00:16:45,881 --> 00:16:47,508 Those guys were jerks. 402 00:16:48,300 --> 00:16:50,052 But I know they're glad you're around. 403 00:16:50,928 --> 00:16:53,096 -Really? -Yeah! 404 00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:55,349 They're not just gonna come out and say it, though. 405 00:16:55,432 --> 00:16:58,602 Especially Nick, you know, but they're all thinking it. 406 00:16:58,685 --> 00:16:59,770 Even me. 407 00:17:00,479 --> 00:17:01,897 Most of the time. 408 00:17:04,441 --> 00:17:08,737 It was weird when I was stuck in a freak sandwich 409 00:17:08,820 --> 00:17:10,781 between you and that eight-year-old. 410 00:17:10,864 --> 00:17:12,282 Do you want to talk about that? 411 00:17:12,908 --> 00:17:16,495 You know, it's just that he got to be a bit annoying, so… 412 00:17:16,578 --> 00:17:20,082 I kind of took my feelings out with dance… 413 00:17:20,582 --> 00:17:21,583 (CHUCKLES) 414 00:17:21,667 --> 00:17:24,336 Okay, so, uh, we have a situation. 415 00:17:24,419 --> 00:17:28,048 NICK: But I'm gonna leave the booth to clowns, but I'm not gonna leave it, so… 416 00:17:28,131 --> 00:17:29,758 Hey, Nick. How you doing, buddy? 417 00:17:29,842 --> 00:17:33,470 They want me to leave the booth, but I'm staying. 418 00:17:33,554 --> 00:17:36,640 This is my home now. It's got everything that I need. 419 00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:38,433 You can see by looking at these pictures 420 00:17:38,517 --> 00:17:41,103 that he's experiencing a variety of different emotions. 421 00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:43,856 This one is… Well, that's actually his butt. 422 00:17:43,939 --> 00:17:45,148 He just keeps saying "Jess." 423 00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:49,611 Jess, the fact is that I was a mean person 424 00:17:49,695 --> 00:17:51,488 and I'm sorry, okay? 425 00:17:55,617 --> 00:17:56,994 Hi, Nicholas. 426 00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:58,954 Hey, Jess, I live in a photo booth now. 427 00:17:59,037 --> 00:18:00,414 -Oh, is that so? -Yep. 428 00:18:00,497 --> 00:18:02,416 Come on in, come on in. 429 00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:03,917 -Thank you. -That's the kitchen area. 430 00:18:04,001 --> 00:18:05,752 -Very nice. -This is the common area. 431 00:18:05,836 --> 00:18:07,296 -Okay. -Dining room, living room, 432 00:18:07,379 --> 00:18:10,215 -kind of everything. -(CHUCKLING) It's very nice. 433 00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:11,967 Hey. 434 00:18:13,260 --> 00:18:14,678 -She has a boyfriend. -Yeah. 435 00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:17,514 She shouldn't have been flirting with you all night. 436 00:18:17,598 --> 00:18:19,933 You can't be her backup plan. 437 00:18:20,350 --> 00:18:22,227 You have to let each other go. 438 00:18:22,728 --> 00:18:25,439 So, now, you have to make a decision. 439 00:18:25,898 --> 00:18:29,776 "Am I gonna stay locked in a photo booth for the next hour, 440 00:18:29,860 --> 00:18:34,364 "or am I gonna get out there, take my shoes off, 441 00:18:34,448 --> 00:18:36,533 -"and dance my face off?" -(SNICKERS) 442 00:18:36,617 --> 00:18:37,784 (CHUCKLES) 443 00:18:38,410 --> 00:18:39,953 Come on, it's up to you. 444 00:18:45,751 --> 00:18:46,919 Oh, man. 445 00:18:48,378 --> 00:18:49,505 All right. 446 00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:53,592 I love you, photo booth. 447 00:18:56,094 --> 00:18:57,930 (SLOW MUSIC PLAYS) 448 00:18:58,013 --> 00:18:59,890 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) 449 00:19:02,768 --> 00:19:04,686 Yo, look at him. 450 00:19:05,062 --> 00:19:06,063 (INAUDIBLE) 451 00:19:06,146 --> 00:19:07,439 He looks better. 452 00:19:07,523 --> 00:19:09,316 I can't do this anymore. 453 00:19:10,692 --> 00:19:13,695 -I have to let you go, Caroline, for real. -(SIGHS HEAVILY) 454 00:19:13,779 --> 00:19:15,197 It has to be over. 455 00:19:16,490 --> 00:19:17,741 (SIGHS) 456 00:19:21,370 --> 00:19:22,621 Goodbye. 457 00:19:22,704 --> 00:19:24,706 Good luck and everything. 458 00:19:28,669 --> 00:19:29,920 Goodbye. 459 00:19:31,296 --> 00:19:35,217 All right, um, I've got to… Excuse me. 460 00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:37,845 (PHIL COLLINS' A GROOVY KIND OF LOVE PLAYING) 461 00:19:40,222 --> 00:19:41,223 (SIGHS) 462 00:19:42,599 --> 00:19:45,811 When I'm feeling blue… 463 00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:48,438 -Come on, Jess. -What? 464 00:19:48,522 --> 00:19:50,774 Just please… Just come with me right now. 465 00:19:50,858 --> 00:19:52,484 -Okay. -Thank you. 466 00:19:52,568 --> 00:19:55,946 (SONG CONTINUES) Then I'm not so blue 467 00:19:56,029 --> 00:19:58,991 When you're close to me 468 00:19:59,074 --> 00:20:02,786 I can feel your heart beat 469 00:20:02,870 --> 00:20:09,293 I can hear you breathing in my ear 470 00:20:09,376 --> 00:20:12,546 Wouldn't you agree? 471 00:20:12,629 --> 00:20:18,844 Baby, you and me got a groovy kind of love… 472 00:20:18,927 --> 00:20:20,971 That looks like so much fun. 473 00:20:21,054 --> 00:20:22,556 (SONG CONTINUES PLAYING) 474 00:20:22,639 --> 00:20:25,726 Anytime you want to 475 00:20:25,809 --> 00:20:26,810 (WINSTON CHUCKLING) 476 00:20:26,894 --> 00:20:30,606 You can turn me on to anything you want to… 477 00:20:30,689 --> 00:20:31,773 WINSTON: Okay. 478 00:20:32,566 --> 00:20:35,903 Anytime at all 479 00:20:35,986 --> 00:20:39,239 When I kiss your lips 480 00:20:39,323 --> 00:20:42,534 Ooh, I start to shiver 481 00:20:42,618 --> 00:20:49,124 Can't control the quivering inside 482 00:20:49,208 --> 00:20:52,377 Wouldn't you agree? 483 00:20:52,461 --> 00:20:56,298 Baby, you and me got a groovy kind of love… 484 00:20:56,381 --> 00:20:57,841 Check out my beaks. 485 00:20:58,926 --> 00:21:00,552 Stop copying my beaks. 486 00:21:09,353 --> 00:21:13,482 (SIGHS) Gretchen, you think that, like, hooking up at all these weddings… 487 00:21:13,565 --> 00:21:16,109 I mean, one of these times, we can go on an actual date? 488 00:21:16,693 --> 00:21:20,030 No. I'm just using you for your body. 489 00:21:21,156 --> 00:21:24,618 Oh. Okay. Cool. 490 00:21:24,701 --> 00:21:26,078 How many more of these things? 491 00:21:26,745 --> 00:21:28,413 We're just getting started. 492 00:21:28,497 --> 00:21:29,706 (SIGHS) 493 00:21:30,332 --> 00:21:32,626 -That yellow helmet is… Ugh! -Mmm. 494 00:21:32,709 --> 00:21:36,630 Tonight I'm gonna get certified on the River Schmidt. 36252

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