All language subtitles for Ted.2024.S01E03.Ejectile.Dysfunction.720p.PCOK.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-BYNDR_track3_[eng]

[Norah Jones' "Everybody
Needs a Best Friend"]

* *

- * My words are lazy *

* My thoughts are hazy *

* But this is one thing
I'm sure of *

* Everybody needs
a best friend *

* I'm happy I'm yours *

[upbeat jazz music]

* *

- Hey, thanks again
for picking us up, Blaire.

- Yeah, no problem.
What'd you guys end up seeing?

- "Jurassic Park."

It's, like, the greatest movie

I've ever fucking seen,
like, ever.

- Yeah, Spielberg
actually got real dinosaurs.

- Uh, yeah, I don't think so.

- No, he did.
- No, he did. He totally did.

There's no other explanation.

- I promise you guys
he did not get real dinosaurs.

- Well, that's-that's a
ignorant thing to say, Blaire,

when you didn't see the movie.

- Yeah, no, he made "ET"
and he made "Jaws"

and this was his reward.

He got real dinosaurs
to play with.

It all adds up.

- My only criticism
of the movie--

who has open cups of water
in the car?

- Oh yeah, that wasweird.

- Yeah, it's like,
you want a lid for that water?

Nah, that's OK.
I'm just riding in the jungle.

- Oh, hey, can we stop
by the video store?

I want to rent a movie.

- You justsaw a movie.

- Yeah, I know.
And now, we got dinosaur fever.

We want to see more movies
with dinosaurs.

- [groans]

Fine, but you got to be quick.
I got plans tonight.

- Oh, yeah?
What-what do you got going on?

- Just stuff.

- Like college stuff?

- Yes.

- Toga party?
- No.

- Fucking rush week?

- No.

- Fucking around
with the new pledges,

but then Diane
goes a little too far

and something horrible happens

but then you all kind of
work together to cover it up

and then the next day,

you just go to class
like nothing happened

but now you're all
bonded for life

by, like, a horrible secret,

and it seems like
it's all going to be OK

but then Rachel
seems a little shaky

and you wonder if
she's going to be a problem?

- What the fuck are
you talking about?

- I'm just making conversation.

* *

- OK, you got five minutes.
Hurry up and pick something.

- OK.

* *

Hey, Teddy.
- Yeah?

- You ever seen a porno?

- Yeah, I saw a lot of them
when I was out in Hollywood.

- They as awesome
as people say?

- They are, Johnny.

- What are they like?

- Well, you turn it on,
you settle in,

you get your Kleenex
and your lotion,

and you--
you fucking go to town.

- Wow.

Sounds amazing.

- Yeah, especially afterward
when it's over

and you think about
what you did.

- Really?

- Yeah,
and you clean yourself up

but the porn's still going
on in the background,

but it seems twice as loud now.

And even though
you didn't leave the house,

you know you've contributed
to a woman's nightmare.

Oh, and you can't

shove that sock in the hamper
deep enough.

- Man, every time I come
in here and I see those doors,

it's like it's so mysterious.

The private, exclusive
adults-only room.

[classy jazz music]

* *

- [posh English accent]
Master John, Master Ted.

I'm so delighted
that you've joined us.

Are we thinking of renting
some pornography this evening?

- [posh English accent]
Indeed, we are, Lloyd.

- Splendid, splendid.

We have quite a fine selection
for your perusal.

- [posh English accent] Mm,
well, what would you recommend?

- Your preference, sir.

Would you like to
feel in charge,

or like an itty, bitty baby?

- I do believe I would like
to feel like a baby.

- [chuckles softly] No one has
ever chosen the other one, sir.

- Yes, I would imagine not.

[chortling laughter]

- Very good, sir.

I'll be right back
with your cream and kerchief.

- How's the wife, Lloyd?

- Well, sir, I'm afraid that
Clara passed away last month.

- Oh, Lloyd,
we're so very sorry.

- Thank you, sir.
She fought bravely,

but there was nothing
the doctors could do.

- And how is your son
taking the loss?

- We haven't spoken
since she passed away, sir.

I'm afraid that Jeremy blames
me for his mother's death.

- How terrible.

- Thank heaven I have my work.

Elsewise, I'm not sure
I could go on living myself.

Well, enjoy your pornography,
sir.

- [normally] Jesus.

Your fantasy includes the guy
losing his wife and family?

- [normally] Well I mean,
the son didn't die,

they're just estranged.

- I just feel like

by putting all that on him,
it distracts from ourstory.

- Teddy,
you want to go in there?

- In the back room?

- Yeah.

Yeah, don't you
think it's about time

I rented my first porno?

- Well, I hope
you've gotten everything done

that you need to get done ever.

- Why?

- Oh, you'll see.
Come on, let's do it.

- Hey! No one under 18
in the adult section!

- Ah, shit.

- It's all right, Johnny.
I'll go and get it.

- You hear me?

I said no one under 18!

- It's all right, buddy.
It's just me.

- You came to life in 1985.
That makes you what, eight?

- Dude,
it's a little different.

- No.
Rules are rules!

- Ah, shit.

- Wow,
what an amazing selection!

These are all so erotic!

- All right,
if you guys are done

humiliating yourselves
in public,

can we get out of here?

- Uh, Blaire.

- I'm not renting you porn.

- Oh, come on, you gotta.

- No, I don't.

- Blaire, I'm already 16.

OK, if I was Mormon,
I'd be a grandfather by now.

- Blaire, be a pal, huh?
Just this once.

- I'm basically
an adult already, OK?

I just want to watch
an adult movie.

- All right, fine.

- What?
- What?

- I don't have time to
stand here all day and argue.

OK, just go wait in the car.

- Holy shit. Fucking awesome!
- Oh, my God, Blaire!

You're fucking amazing, Blaire!
- Wow, Thank you so much!

Blaire,
this is fucking awesome!

Thank you so much!
- Oh, you're the fucking best!

- Oh, and whatever
seems grossest to you,

that's probably what
we're going to like.

- I'm going to count to three.

- OK.

- All right, you guys.
Enjoy the movie.

- Oh, we will.

- Oh, and don't be thrown
when you turn it on.

It's black and white.

- Even better.
- Yeah, finally.

We're telling theirstories.
- Yeah, love that.

- Representation matters.

- Glad to hear it.

- OK.
- Here we go.

- We got at least an hour
before Mom gets back.

[dramatic orchestral music
on TV]

- All right, porno time!

* *

- Whoa.
"The 400 Blows."

Whoever this guy is, he's going
to be a nub by the end of it.

- Ah, French fucking.
All right.

Little hairy, but I'm on board.

- [nasal French laugh]

[both laughing nasally]

- That's what the fucking's
going to sound like.

* *

- [speaking French]

- [speaking French]

- Jesus, how the fuck long
has this been going on?

- You guys enjoying the movie?

- No!
It sucks!

How the fuck is this a porno?

- Well, I rented you guys
an adult movie,

as in a movie for adults.

- Oh, you suck.

- No, no, but wait, they were
talking about ball sacks.

- Balzac.

- Yeah, exactly.
So where were they?

- Are saying
you don't like the film?

- No! No, there's no sex
at all in this movie.

Just ennui.

- I did you a favor.

- No, we want to
look at genitals.

- Trust me, it's overrated.

- Wait, what do you mean?
You watch porn?

- Uh, no.

But a guy from my school did

mail me a photo of his dick
last semester.

- Oh.

- He even shot it
in sepia tone.

- Wait, so it was, like,
all old-timey?

- Yeah.

- Like, "This penis
is a Dust Bowl orphan"?

- You want the kicker?

It was flaccid.

- Wait, so he didn't even
do the work?

- Nope. Just a flaccid dick
with a fancy filter.

- Well, I guess even
a great director

can't save a bad script.

- [sighs]
Anyway, enjoy the movie, guys.

It's a classic.

- Fuck this.

[actors speaking French on TV]

[switch clicks, VCR whirring]

[repetitive clicking]

[switch clicks]

[insects chirping]

- Everyone,
Matty and I have some news.

- Oh, man.
It finally happened.

Look, I'm sure this was
a tough decision to make,

but there's no sense
in postponing the inevitable.

You know what?

Not every marriage
is meant to last forever.

And at a certain point,

you're just throwing good years
out the bag.

- We're going out to dinner.

- Hey!
That's...

one of my favorite meals.

- We're going to go out,

we're going to have a nice,
romantic evening tomorrow.

Just the two of us
just because.

And we're going to have
a lovely time.

- That's right.

My wife deserves a night out
just for being her.

We're going to have a--we're
going to have a great meal,

and it's going to be terrific!

[hand slams on table loudly]
- Jesus.

Take it easy.
- What?

I'm fucking happy.
It's going to be a great night.

- You know, I wonder if years
from now, we'll find out

this was all just one big,
long heart attack.

- Teddy, can I speak to you
in private?

OK, this is perfect.

Mom and Dad are going
to be out of the house

and Blaire's got school.

There will never
be a better time.

- For what?

- To rent a real porno.

- Well, how are we supposed
to do it?

That butt nut in the store
says we got to be 18.

- There's a different guy
that comes in at 6:00

for the night shift,
all right?

We get fake IDs,

we go in after 6:00,
we can rent that porno.

- I don't know, Johnny.
It's a risk.

I mean, if we get caught--
- Teddy.

Watching other people
have sex on a TV screen,

that's just about the
coolest thing a person can do.

It's worth the risk.

By this time tomorrow,
that dream could be ours.

- All right.
Let's get some sleep.

We jerk at first light.
- Right.

[upbeat jazz music]

* *

- [blows air]

OK.
Two fake IDs.

That'll be 50 bucks.

- We got that same VCR at home.

- I don't give a shit.

- Right there.

My whole allowance
for eight weeks.

- All right, here we go.
Enjoy your new lives as adults.

- Jesus Christ,
how old is this guy?

Looks like he's 40.

- Hey, you'll be fine,
all right?

[chuckles] Although Ted's
took a little bit of work.

- I-I can't use this.
- Why not?

- It looks like Bob Ross.

It is.
It is Bob--this is Bob Ross.

- Well, you're a tough fit,
pal.

It was either him
or a pair of UGG boots.

- Oh, yeah, laugh it up now,
but pretty soon,

I'll be having an orgasm
next to my friend.

- Yeah!

[suspenseful music]

* *

- Wait, wait, not yet!
Not yet!

That other bastard's
still there.

Act like we're just here
to rent a movie.

Ah, yes.

This looks like a good,
non-sexual film.

- Oh, yes,
I have heard many great,

non-sexual things
about this movie.

- Peter Travers calls it
"a sex-free laugh riot."

- "Time" magazine says, "about
as erotic as mom's diarrhea."

- The fuck?

- What?
- The fuck was that?

- What do you mean? I'm just
expanding on your thing.

- That's not what I was doing.

- Improv's all about
"Yes, and..." OK?

You can't just shut me down
like that

in the middle of a scene.

- Don't do "mom's diarrhea"

and then tell me how I'm
fucking supposed to do improv.

Jesus Christ.
[door opens]

- Hey.
- Hey.

All right.

I'm out of here.
- Later.

- Have a good one.

- All right, let's move.
[door opens]

- Excuse me. Uh-uh.
Adults only.

- Ah, yes. Of course.
[Johnny chuckles]

How forgetful of us.
- Oh, don't worry.

This, uh,
this happens all the time.

I understand your mistake.

- Oh, my God.

- What?

- You're Bob Ross!

- Uh, yes.

Yes, I am.

- Mr. Ross,
I am a huge fan of yours.

- Oh, uh, well, thanks.

- I love your whole
artistic philosophy.

The way you assign a motion
to every tree and cloud.

- Yeah, well, great.

Um, listen, we're going
to head to the adult section

and find ourselves a happy,
little bush.

- See you in a bit.

OK.

- Wow.

Looks like you're having
quite a marathon.

- Uh, yes.
It's for a fundraiser.

- Oh, for what?

- Jerking...

for Muscular Dystrophy.

- Oh, yeah.
JMD, of course.

- Hey, is there a limit on
how many tapes you can rent?

- Not for you, Mr. Ross.

All right, these tapes are
due back Thursday.

There's an $80 fee for any
missing or damaged tapes.

- That's a lot of money.

- That's a lot of porn.

- You know, other people
want to masturbate, too!

- Not tonight, pal.

[hand slams on table loudly]

OK.

[soft classy piano music]

- Look at this place.
[chuckles]

Isn't this a magical night?

- My sock's got
a big hole in it.

If I tear it off, will you
shove it in your purse?

- Oh, look, Matty!

They have a whole man
just for the pepper!

Oh, let's get something
that needs pepper.

- When I was his age,

I was liberating Nha Trang
hut-by-hut.

But yeah, sure.
Pepper boy's good, too.

- Gosh, everything's
just so fancy-schmancy.

I feel like Academy Awards.

- Hi there. How are we doing
tonight, folks?

- My sock's bugging me.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Can I take your order?

- Matty, he's so sweet.

What's your name?

- Kevin, ma'am.

- Kevin, you go home,
you call your mother,

and you tell her Susan Bennett
from Framingham

said you did an excellent job.

- My mother has
advanced Alzheimer's.

She has no idea who I am.

- I'll have the crab.

- [snaps fingers] Let me ask
you a question there, Kev-o.

Why is the New York strip
24 bucks

but at Rico's Market,
it's like 8?

- Well, supermarket prices
and restaurant prices

are different--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a pretty sweet markup,
16 bucks for heat.

That seem fair to you,
Kev-o?

- You could order
the junior steak

off the kids menu for $9.

- Now we're getting somewhere.
[chuckling] OK.

See that, Susan?
He blinked first.

- Comes with your choice

of an activity booklet
or a silly straw.

- Both, Kev-o.

Pile it high and good!

- Yes, sir.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

- Hang on.
Do me a favor.

[fabric ripping]

Throw this out for me,
would you?

[indistinct chatter]

- Wouldn't it be fun to be
a waiter on a cruise ship?

Because when you're done,
you're already home.

I'm going to tell him that.

- All right, here we go.

* Porno time, porno time *

* Porno, porno, porno time! *

Porno time!

- All right, let's put one in.
- All right.

Wait, wait.
Hang on a second.

Before we start, we got
to have some ground rules.

- What do you mean?

- Well, like,
where are you sitting?

- On the couch.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

I don't want you in my eyeline.

- OK, we could, like,
build a divider or something,

like a pillow fort.

- Yeah, I don't know.
Maybe we should watch alone.

Like in shifts.

- Yeah, I don't want
to watch porn alone.

That feels tragic.

- All right, then
we'll watch it together.

- Yeah, well that feels creepy.

- John, we're watching porn.

It's either going to be creepy
or tragic.

Those are the choices.

- All right,
let's go with creepy.

Which one are we starting with?

- How is everything?

- Oh, it's just wonderful.

- Not good, Kev-o.

The word "apple"
ain't in here anywhere.

- They allow diagonal, sir.

- Well, they should put that
in the goddamn directions!

- I'll tell the chef.

- Yeah.

- Matty, you have
to try this crab.

- No, I'm fine.

- Oh, just one bite.
It's so delicious.

- I'm fine.
I got my own food.

- Just a baby bite.
- I don't want any.

- Just try. Just one bite.
- Jesus Christ, Susan.

Why is it always so important

that I have some
of what you ordered?

- I want you to
have some of this

because I think you'll like it.

- Well if I wanted
the goddamn crab,

I would have ordered
the goddamn crab!

- But in the car
on the way home,

I can say, wasn't it good?
And you'll know.

- For fuck's sake!
All right!

- You'll know.
- All right!

Oh, goddamn it.

Goddamn it!

That's better than
what I ordered!

- You see?
I knew you'd like it.

- [mouth full]
Shit!

- I can't wait
to talk about it later.

I wish we were
in the car right now.

- Here.

I got something for you.

- Oh, Matty, what is it?

- Just open it.
Be careful.

- A nail?

- Yeah.

Just before you're finished,

put that in what's left
of your food

and then "find" it.

Whole night will be comped.

Hey, Kev-o!

- Hi, I'm Brad.

Kevin quit.

- Oh, how about this one?

"Interracial Butt Fest."

Oh, thank you, Dr. King.

- "Anal Screwlympics VIII."

- I didn't see the first seven.
I'm not going to understand it.

- Man, this guy's running
his own three-legged race.

[laughing]
Oh, let's start with this one.

- You sure
that's going to work?

- Yeah, I don't know.

But all I'm
thinking about right

now is my dead relatives.

- Why?

- Well, Father White once said

that if you ever masturbate,

then all your dead relatives
are up in heaven watching you.

- How is that heaven?

- Boy, you know,
that is a great point.

- I mean,
are they up there like,

"Hey, you want to go
to Abe Lincoln's house?"

"Yeah, I'd like to,

"but my nephew
is gonna jerk off,

so I got to go watch that."

- OK, so we're fine.

[sultry music on TV]

- [chuckling]
All right.

* *

Oh, he's a doctor.

Looks like it's his first day
at a new hospital.

- And that's usually the day

you have sex with everyone,
right?

- Oh, it sure is, Johnny.

- Whoops.

Oh, looks like all
her clothes fell off.

- Oh, here we go.
[moaning on TV]

- That's a weird thermometer.

Hey, that's funny.

I thought they only took
your temperature like that

when you were a baby.

- Yeah, that's-that's not a--

- He's, like,
pulling it in and out.

It's never going to get
an accurate reading like that.

[moaning on TV intensifying]

- Oh. Well, I guess
herprostate's fine.

[moaning on TV]

[VCR clicks]

[electrical buzzing]

- What happened?
- I don't know.

Tape froze.

[electrical buzzing]

[VCR clicking]

- It's stuck.
The tape's stuck!

- Oh, shit!

- It's not coming out.
What are we going to do?

- All right.
Don't panic, don't panic.

- Don't panic?

What the fuck am
I supposed to do?

- I just need a second
to think.

- No, there is a porno stuck
in the fucking VCR!

- Just let me fucking think!
- What am I supposed to do?

- Just let me fucking think!

Let me fucking think!

OK, we're going to have to
take the machine apart.

- All right.

I can't even open it.
There's no screws.

It's just rivets.

- OK, I got it, I got it.

We got to swap out VCRs.

Get rid of this one,
replace it with a new one.

- How are we going to find
a new VCR tonight?

Even if shit was still open,
we got no money.

And anyways,
this is an older model.

You probably can't even
fucking find it anymore.

- Yes, you can.

The AV room at school!
They got one there.

We can go get it tonight.

- Going into school
after hours?

Won't that look suspicious?

- There's a game tonight.

The school's open.

We dress like
basketball players

and if anyone sees us,

they'll think we're there
for the game.

- If we blow this, everybody's
going to know we're perverts.

- Jesus.

All this work, and we didn't
even get to have an orgasm.

- Yeah, yeah.
Right.

Yeah, man, that fucking sucks,
both of us...

didn't.

- I just don't understand it.

I mean, we're not
under construction.

- Well, you know,
the good news is she saw it.

Otherwise...
[chuckles]

She could have died.

Right, Susan?

You could have died
if you ate a nail.

- I guess I could have died
if I ate a nail.

- I am so deeply sorry,
Mrs. Bennett.

Of course,
your entire evening is comped.

And if there's anything else
we can do for you,

please tell us.

- Yeah, you see that old-timey

diver's helmet you got there
in the window?

I want you to fill it
with shrimp.

- Wasn't the crab good?

[suspenseful music]

* *

- OK, almost got it.

Ah.
There we go.

OK, you stay here, I'm going to
make sure the coast is clear.

- OK.

[sports organ playing]

[door clangs loudly]
- Ice it up, Hampton.

You'll be fine.

- I don't know, Coach.

I think I heard it break.
- A little ice.

Best thing for it.

Hey, Bennett!

- Uh, yeah?

- We're a man down.
Get in there!

No forfeit! We got a player!
[whistle blows]

- Actually, Coach,
you know I'm not--

- Now, Bennett!
We got a game to win!

[crowd cheering]

[buzzer blares, crowd roaring]

- Ain't so fucking hard.

Let's get the hell out of here.

- Jesus.
What a night, huh?

- Matty.

What you did there was a sin.

You lied to them.

- Ah, they lied to us first.

Goddamn steak
doesn't cost 24 bucks.

We're even.

And the best part is
I didn't even have to use this.

- What is that?

- A coupon for one free meal
at Chuck's Steak House.

So all in, we get three free
dinners for the price of one.

- Is that why you wanted
to go out to dinner?

Because you had a coupon?

- I had a beautiful woman
on my arm and I spent no money.

A perfect evening.

Andthe activity book!

Hey, Johnny!

Your old man solved a maze
tonight!

It's Friday night.

He's probably
at the basketball game.

You're going up?

- Uh, no.

I think I'll stay up
for a while and watch TV.

- Suit yourself.

Mwah!

I'm going to roll around in bed
and try to burp.

[Susan sighs]

[Susan sighs]

[VCR whirring]

[sultry music on TV]

[intense moaning on TV]

* *

- Oh--

[moaning on TV]

* *

[moaning on TV intensifying]

- Oh, yeah!
- Yes!

- [inhales sharply]

- Oh, my God!
[both moaning]

- [snoring]

[Matty farts]
- Hey.

Knock it off.

[snoring]

[Susan sighs]

[suspenseful music]

- You know, I just
realized we probably

could have just dressed like
ourselves going to the game.

- Hey, shh!
The lights are out.

Mom and Dad must be asleep.

All right, I'll swap it out.
You make sure no one's coming.

- Right.

* *

- All right, it's done.

- Not quite. We still got to
get that tape out.

[suspenseful
musical crescendo]

- The fuck?

- Oh, shit.
- It's gone!

- OK, let's-
let's just calm down here.

- What do you mean calm down?
The tape's gone!

- It can't just be gone.
It's got to be somewhere.

- Oh, shit.

Ah shit.
- What, what, what?

- Somebody found it.

Somebody found it
and they took it.

- Oh, shit.

OK, tomorrow, when everyone's
out, we search the house.

- What if we don't find it?

- Then we'll have to

rent the same movie
from another store

and return it
to the first store

and we'll have to do that
every three days

until the end of time.

- Oh, my God.

- Yeah.
Like a Pornzi scheme.

[laughter]

Yeah, we're in trouble, but we
can still have fun with words.

[bell tolling]

- Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.

- Hello, Susan.

- Oh, dear.

I wish you'd close it
this time.

- We're all sinners
in God's eyes.

- Well...

I saw a porno, Father.

- Oh.

And how did you come
to see this, Susan?

- Matty left it in the VCR.

Earlier that night,
we went out to dinner.

And I thought he was

taking me out
for a romantic evening

just the two of us,
so I got all dressed up.

And he didn't even notice.

And then I found out
that he had a coupon.

And that's why
he wanted to go out.

And Father, maybe...

I'm not what he wants anymore.

- Susan, I'm sure
it's not as bad as all that.

Husbands and wives
have different sensibilities.

There's a reason
the Lord made it

so that a man can masturbate
and a woman cannot.

- W-well, that's true.

- And as for what you saw,

God understands that
you didn't seek it out.

And as long as the man
and the woman in the film

are married
and not using birth control,

I don't think you have anything
to worry about.

- It wasn't just
a man and a woman.

There-there was another woman,
too.

- I see.

- Although she wasn't
really participating.

She was just sort of
choking the other girl.

- Well, Matty is your husband.

And if one of you is bored
in the marriage,

then the other may
wish to consider

how to address that and ways
to make things more exciting.

Remember, nothing is wrong
if you don't enjoy it too much.

- Well, I could certainly try.

- Good, good.

So the choking,
was she upset by it?

- Or--
- I should probably get home.

- All right.
To be continued.

[quirky suspenseful music]

* *

- No.

* *

- Johnny!

Johnny, I found it.

- Oh, fuck.
Thank God.

- I know.
I just saved us bucks.

- Wait, where was it?

- Well, it was, uh--

it was in Susan's
underwear drawer.

- What?

- Yeah, it was behind the ones
with the pineapples on it.

- No, no, no! I don't want to
hear about my mom's underpants.

- Oh, but her diarrhea you
bring up at the drop of a hat.

- Teddy,
do you know what this means?

Mom found "Genital Hospital."

She knows I watch porn!

- Oh, boy.
It looks that way.

- I can never face her again.

We have to run away,
never to return.

- I see no other option.

- I'm going to miss this house.

Goodbye,
water-stained ceilings.

- Goodbye, silverware drawer
that doesn't close all the way.

- Goodbye,
windows painted shut.

- Goodbye, door you have
to lean on to close.

- Goodbye, peeling wallpaper
that reveals other wallpaper.

- Goodbye, carpet
that's never been dry.

- Goodbye,
unpermitted bathroom addition.

- Goodbye, lamp that shocks
you every time you touch it.

- Goodbye, picture of a pope
from two popes ago.

- Goodbye, plastic bag
full of plastic bags.

- Goodbye, medicine cabinet
with black mold in the corner.

- Jesus, let's get
the fuck out of here.

- Yeah, no shit.

- We sure would like it

if you'd help us
with our problem.

- Only problem you've got,
Sheriff,

is a short supply of guts.

You people don't need me.

Look, place at least
a couple good riflemen

on top of that building
up there.

Maybe a couple more
with shotguns down

behind green bags over there.

- What you watching?

- "High Plains Drifter."

It's Clint Eastwood week.

- Oh.

What's it about?

- Oh, he's a cowboy.

But at the end,
you realize he's a ghost.

But he can still shoot a gun,

so, you know, not like--
he's not like a real ghost.

- Matty, honey,

can we talk about that movie

that you were watching
yesterday?

- I can't remember what it was.

They're all kind
of the same movie.

- Are you entertained by them?

- I'm a guy.
I mean, all guys like 'em.

- Is that what you want?

What you see in those movies?

- God no.
I just--I just watch 'em.

- Well is there one
you like best?

- I like
"Every Which Way But Loose."

- Oh.

- Yeah, that one's crazy.

There's a monkey that
gives everybody the finger.

[Matty chuckles]
- Oh.

- Yeah, I'd love to see that.

- Wow.

It is getting hot in here.

Powerful hot.

- We can't run
the air conditioner.

Found a dead bird in it.

Repair guy says we got to wait
till its guts dry out

before we run the unit again.

- Well I wouldn't know
about that.

I'm just a girl.

- What are you doing?

- I wanted a banana.

- Well, then eat it.

Why the hell are you
staring at me?

- Because...

I've been bad.

- What do you mean
you've been bad?

You--

oh, Jesus Christ, Susan.

Is that the last one?

God damn it!

Now what am I supposed
to have for my snack?

[Matty groans]

Oh!
Oh great, Susan!

A Pringles can with one left!

That'll be satisfying!

Ow!

Fucking lamp shocked me again!

[knock at door]

- Yeah?

Aunt Suze, what's up?

- Blaire, can I talk to you
for a minute?

- Sure.
Yeah, come on in.

What, uh, what's the matter?

- Well...

last night,
Matty and I went out to dinner.

I got all dressed up.

I rubbed on a Clinique sampler
from Redbook.

I don't even think he noticed.

And then when we got home,
I turned on the TV.

And I found...

- What?

- A porn.

- Oh.

- I think Matty's
been watching porns.

- Right.

- Do you think maybe he--

doesn't think
I'm exciting anymore?

Am I a disappointment?

- No, absolutely not,
Aunt Suze.

Listen to me.

You are probably the most
wonderful person that I know.

- But if that's what he wants,
what can I do?

I don't want to have to choke
other women.

- Yeah,
I don't think you need to.

- But I'll do it
if that's what Matty wants.

- No, let's not go
down that route.

- I'll do what those women did.

- I really don't think
that's necessary.

- I-I-I'll even do what
Dr. Sausage did in that movie.

I'll do it.
- OK--

- I'll do it.
- Stop.

Look.

This is difficult for me
to say, but, um,

the tape you found...

it's mine.

- What?

- I'm sorry.

I apologize
for being so careless.

I never should have left it
in the VCR.

It was stupid.

- So it's not Matty's?

- No, it's not.

[Susan gasps]

- Oh!
Oh, my God!

Oh, I'm so relieved!
- Good.

- I thought Matty was
bored with me.

Oh, Blaire.

I--ew.

Why did you have a porn?

- I would say a porn-o.

Just hits the ear better.

- Why were you watching porn-o?

- Well, OK, in that context,
you'd say porn.

See, if there's an article
in front of it like an "a"

or a "the," it's aporno.

But if not, it's just porn.

- I'm just not going
to say it anymore.

- OK. Look, to answer
your question, it...

it was a sorority thing.

We rented a dirty movie.

It was--
you know how sororities are.

It's like a prank.

- Oh!
Oh, it was a prank.

- Yeah.
- Oh!

So Matty and I are just fine!

- I would say this one thing
isn't a problem.

But it's--

well, I'd call it
a work in progress.

And for the record,
Aunt Suze,

I don't think anybody
ever could be bored with you.

Matty is not great
at communication.

But unless he's
completely blind or insane,

I bet he still loves you
a whole lot.

- Come here.
- Mm.

- Aw.

I hope one day,
you'll find yourMatty.

- Oh, that's--

I'm going to be just fine.

- Let's pray.

["Amazing Grace" on harmonica]

* *

- Where are we going to go,
Teddy?

- I was thinking Saudi Arabia.

I hear nobody's ashamed
to masturbate there.

- What do you think they're
doing back at the house?

- Probably the same thing
we're doing but with a table.

- God.

We watched six seconds of porn
and it ruined our lives.

- Relax, losers.

Your lives aren't ruined.

Yet.

- Blaire.

Oh, you're a sight
for sore eyes, you are.

Good Lord,
look how you've grown.

- How'd you find us?

- Uh, harmonica music
really carries.

Listen, uh, you don't have
to worry about the porno,

all right?

I took the heat for you.

- What?

- I told Aunt Suze
that the tape was mine.

You can come home now.

- Blaire, you--
you did that for us?

- Uh, no.
I really did it for Susan.

She was upset enough because
she thought it was Matty's.

If she found out it was yours,
she'd probably cry for a year.

- Jesus Christ, Blaire.
Thank you so much.

- Yeah.

- We really owe you big time.

- Oh, yeah, you do.

Now, put out your dumb fire
and let's get out of here.

- I love that plan.
Because you know what?

We got a porno to return.

- And I'll tell you one thing.

I would never watch porn again.

Even if it was everywhere,
all the time.

Even if I had, like, a weird,
little device in my pocket

that would give it to me
whenever I wanted

so I could jerk off
at a moment's notice.

No.
Never again.

[swelling orchestral music]

narrator:
John kept his promise.

For the next two years.

Then, within five minutes
of discovering the internet,

he pulled on his penis
so hard,

it damn near came off.

That didn't deter him

from masturbating
four more times

before going
to a local urgent care,

where he waited eight hours

in line behind dozens
of other men

who had also nearly
pulled their penises off

after discovering
the internet.

And now, today,
anyone you talk to

has jerked off
within the last 20 minutes.

This is Ian McKellen,

reminding you:
don't shake anyone's hand.

Good night.

* *

[Norah Jones' "Everybody
Needs a Best Friend"]

- * Oh, you've got a headful
of someone dreadful *

* And yet, alas,
that someone adores you *

* *

* Everybody needs
a best friend *

* I'm happy I'm yours *

* I'm just a clown *

* And I'll bring you down *

* But you just don't care
'cause your *

* Best friend is me *

* *