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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:33,250 --> 00:00:35,417 [ whistles ] 4 00:00:50,417 --> 00:00:54,000 Willard, bring in the videocassette recorder. 5 00:01:12,250 --> 00:01:14,083 Aah! 6 00:01:30,834 --> 00:01:34,291 Suddenly, I realized that, uh, I don't have a pension plan. 7 00:01:34,291 --> 00:01:38,417 I don't have a health plan. I don't have a dental plan. 8 00:01:38,417 --> 00:01:40,458 I don't have-- 9 00:01:52,458 --> 00:01:55,500 [ barking ] 10 00:02:09,708 --> 00:02:11,542 Willard. 11 00:02:32,208 --> 00:02:34,208 [ woman ] Willard! 12 00:02:34,208 --> 00:02:37,000 Willard! 13 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,375 Willard! 14 00:02:39,375 --> 00:02:43,625 Willard! 15 00:02:43,625 --> 00:02:45,708 Where the hell is my blue hat? 16 00:02:45,708 --> 00:02:48,542 I, uh, I don't know, Miss Crock. 17 00:02:48,542 --> 00:02:52,166 Do you expect me to go to my 10:00 meeting like this? 18 00:02:52,166 --> 00:02:55,417 Oh, no, no. Absolutely not, Miss Crock. 19 00:02:55,417 --> 00:02:57,542 I'll-- I'll help you find it. 20 00:03:06,083 --> 00:03:11,542 I'm cold! Taking a coffee break, lazy bones? 21 00:03:11,542 --> 00:03:14,083 All right, this is a good job. This is a good job. 22 00:03:14,083 --> 00:03:17,125 Aha! I should have known it was you. 23 00:03:17,125 --> 00:03:20,083 [ growling ] 24 00:03:30,417 --> 00:03:34,750 Uh, you know, Miss Crock, you have such an appreciation of fine clothing, 25 00:03:34,750 --> 00:03:37,583 I was thinking maybe it was time you buy me a new uniform. 26 00:03:37,583 --> 00:03:41,000 You look just fine to me, Willard. 27 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:43,125 And you're dismissed. 28 00:03:43,125 --> 00:03:46,625 But it's disintegrating. The buttons are barely hanging on. 29 00:03:46,625 --> 00:03:49,250 Oh, Willard, that is a terrific suit. 30 00:03:49,250 --> 00:03:51,750 Your father worked for me for 30 years. 31 00:03:51,750 --> 00:03:54,333 Wore that suit every day. Never complained. 32 00:03:54,333 --> 00:03:57,583 Yeah, and then he died, and then at the funeral, 33 00:03:57,583 --> 00:03:59,792 you made the undertaker give it back to you... 34 00:03:59,792 --> 00:04:02,583 so you could stick me in it for another 15 years. 35 00:04:02,583 --> 00:04:05,458 Just what are you implying? 36 00:04:05,458 --> 00:04:08,125 Miss Crock, it's Christmastime. 37 00:04:08,125 --> 00:04:10,792 I'm only asking for a new uniform. 38 00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:13,125 Only a new uniform? 39 00:04:13,125 --> 00:04:16,500 And pretty soon it'll be only a new broom, maybe. 40 00:04:16,500 --> 00:04:20,750 And before you know it, I will be only bankrupt. 41 00:04:20,750 --> 00:04:25,083 Now, would you please get out of my sight... 42 00:04:25,083 --> 00:04:29,000 before I kick you in the ass? 43 00:04:42,667 --> 00:04:46,542 [ Miss Crock ] It's not my fault you have frost on your strawberries. 44 00:04:46,542 --> 00:04:49,166 We have a contract. 45 00:04:49,166 --> 00:04:53,542 Oh, well, then, I'll see you in court. [ knock at door ] 46 00:04:53,542 --> 00:04:57,166 Excuse me, ma'am. I've got the Danish. 47 00:04:57,166 --> 00:04:58,917 Okay, bring them in. 48 00:04:58,917 --> 00:05:02,375 Miss crock, I'd like you to meet... 49 00:05:02,375 --> 00:05:04,583 Gunn Froling, Erland Vetterlund, 50 00:05:04,583 --> 00:05:06,625 Per Malmsjo and Bertil Guve. 51 00:05:06,625 --> 00:05:08,917 The executive team from Copenhagen Snak Food. 52 00:05:08,917 --> 00:05:13,291 I'm just flattered that you're even considering my little factory. 53 00:05:13,291 --> 00:05:15,875 Ja. Ja. Lovely output. 54 00:05:15,875 --> 00:05:18,708 Oh, that's terrific, Gunn. You are truly a great Dane. 55 00:05:18,708 --> 00:05:21,917 - [ laughing ] - [ clears throat ] 56 00:05:21,917 --> 00:05:24,041 Come, gentlemen. I'd like to show you the bun room. 57 00:05:24,041 --> 00:05:26,041 I'm sure you're gonna love it. 58 00:05:27,500 --> 00:05:30,125 [ chuckles ] It's just past jellies and creams. 59 00:05:30,125 --> 00:05:32,208 What a bunch of bores. 60 00:05:32,208 --> 00:05:35,166 [ mocking Dutch language ] I never know what the hell those guys are saying. 61 00:05:35,166 --> 00:05:37,834 Never mind about that. Do you think we've got a deal? 62 00:05:37,834 --> 00:05:39,792 Does Big Boy have a weight problem? 63 00:05:39,792 --> 00:05:42,750 Mm-hmm. Soon you're going to be the richest, 64 00:05:42,750 --> 00:05:47,083 prettiest, sexiest lady in the entire pastry industry. 65 00:05:48,333 --> 00:05:50,500 I've told you, Chip, 66 00:05:50,500 --> 00:05:52,708 not in the office. 67 00:06:07,917 --> 00:06:10,375 [ chattering ] 68 00:06:16,667 --> 00:06:21,083 Hey, nothing says Christmas eve like some hot spicy chicken wings. 69 00:06:21,083 --> 00:06:23,083 [ all ] All right! 70 00:06:25,291 --> 00:06:28,083 If they're so goddamn yummy, how come you only show up when it's free? 71 00:06:29,125 --> 00:06:31,959 - Hey, there he is. - About time. 72 00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:35,000 Can you believe it? The old prune had me cleaning her chimney. 73 00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:37,458 Oh, she thinks Santa's coming to pay her a visit. 74 00:06:40,917 --> 00:06:44,667 Now, look here. Be careful with this 'cause it's kind of strong. 75 00:06:48,875 --> 00:06:51,750 Willard, you need to make a new year's resolution-- 76 00:06:51,750 --> 00:06:53,875 quit working for the ball buster. 77 00:06:53,875 --> 00:06:56,792 Show her who's boss, man. Take a shit in her soup. 78 00:06:56,792 --> 00:06:59,000 Thanks. That's real constructive. 79 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:02,708 You know the way things are: a man has a job, he holds onto it. 80 00:07:02,708 --> 00:07:04,917 In your case, till he dies of old age. 81 00:07:04,917 --> 00:07:07,125 Yeah, like my old man. 82 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,542 You know what he said to me on his deathbed? 83 00:07:11,542 --> 00:07:14,667 He said, "Stick with Miss Crock. You'll get ahead." 84 00:07:14,667 --> 00:07:17,000 I don't know what he was talking about. 85 00:07:18,208 --> 00:07:21,333 Merry Christmas, Willard. 86 00:07:21,333 --> 00:07:23,583 Merry Christmas, Rusty. 87 00:07:23,583 --> 00:07:26,166 ♪ Good King Wenceslas looked out ♪ 88 00:07:26,166 --> 00:07:28,667 ♪ On the feast of Stephen ♪ 89 00:07:28,667 --> 00:07:32,417 Oh, chip, it's beautiful. 90 00:07:32,417 --> 00:07:34,417 Now open yours. 91 00:07:34,417 --> 00:07:37,458 Oh, I'm so excited. 92 00:07:37,458 --> 00:07:41,083 Oh, Virginia, what a sweet gift! 93 00:07:41,083 --> 00:07:44,959 Well, I know how much you like money. It's $50,000. 94 00:07:44,959 --> 00:07:47,500 You can buy anything you want with it. 95 00:07:49,041 --> 00:07:52,166 What are you standing around for, Willard? 96 00:07:52,166 --> 00:07:55,834 We don't want a mess now, do we, on Christmas? 97 00:08:00,291 --> 00:08:03,375 [ growling, barking ] 98 00:08:06,875 --> 00:08:08,875 Will that be all? 99 00:08:08,875 --> 00:08:11,708 That will not be all. 100 00:08:16,708 --> 00:08:20,792 Merry Christmas. 101 00:08:20,792 --> 00:08:24,250 Miss Crock, I wasn't expecting this. 102 00:08:24,250 --> 00:08:29,333 I thought of something, and I knew you'd be thrilled to death with it. 103 00:08:29,333 --> 00:08:32,208 Oh, Miss Crock, God bless you. 104 00:08:32,208 --> 00:08:35,792 Open it! Open it! You are a good woman. 105 00:08:35,792 --> 00:08:39,250 - Hey, what's this? - Your favorite. 106 00:08:39,250 --> 00:08:41,625 Mincemeat pie. 107 00:08:41,625 --> 00:08:43,875 Where the hell is my suit? 108 00:08:43,875 --> 00:08:48,708 Oh, goodness gracious. Sakes alive. I thought you'd like it. 109 00:08:48,708 --> 00:08:50,834 Like it? Yes. 110 00:08:50,834 --> 00:08:53,834 I-I put a pair of cuff links in there as well. 111 00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:57,083 Oh, you went all out, didn't you? 112 00:08:57,083 --> 00:08:59,875 A pair of crackerjack cuff links and one shitty pie! 113 00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:07,458 Hey. Hey, man. What are you doing? 114 00:09:07,458 --> 00:09:10,125 I thought we were going to Leroy's Christmas kegger? 115 00:09:10,125 --> 00:09:13,125 Yeah, well, Miss Crock said I gotta spend a night in the box. 116 00:09:13,125 --> 00:09:16,333 Damn, it's like a Filipino prison. 117 00:09:16,333 --> 00:09:19,750 Get in that sweatbox! Leave me alone! 118 00:09:21,125 --> 00:09:23,417 Fine. 119 00:09:23,417 --> 00:09:27,625 Uh, feliz navidad. 120 00:09:28,750 --> 00:09:33,083 Oh, just in case you get hungry. 121 00:09:42,125 --> 00:09:44,125 [ barks ] 122 00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:47,792 - Beat it. This is my dinner. - [ barks, growls ] 123 00:09:47,792 --> 00:09:50,792 [ grunts ] Oh, you rat, I'll squash you. 124 00:09:50,792 --> 00:09:53,625 [ barking ] 125 00:09:53,625 --> 00:09:55,959 Come here. [ barking ] 126 00:09:55,959 --> 00:09:57,959 Whoa. 127 00:10:03,166 --> 00:10:07,458 I can't believe I've tolerated him for as long as I have. 128 00:10:07,458 --> 00:10:10,166 He's just a user. Willard's exploited your generosity. 129 00:10:10,166 --> 00:10:12,667 That's exactly right. 130 00:10:12,667 --> 00:10:16,458 I mean, his father, Teddy, was a nice man. 131 00:10:16,458 --> 00:10:19,000 - But enough is enough. - Really. 132 00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:22,458 Well, tomorrow, we'll-- we'll fire him. 133 00:10:24,041 --> 00:10:27,291 Throw his stuff in the furnace. 134 00:10:27,291 --> 00:10:30,166 [ screams ] 135 00:10:30,166 --> 00:10:33,375 [ creature on TV ] Santa Claus must be stopped. 136 00:10:33,375 --> 00:10:36,166 - There will be no Christmas this year. - You got that right. 137 00:10:38,375 --> 00:10:40,542 You're not gonna believe this. 138 00:10:40,542 --> 00:10:42,250 The old grinch is gonna fire me. 139 00:10:42,250 --> 00:10:44,750 That's ridiculous, man. Why would somebody fire their slave? 140 00:10:44,750 --> 00:10:48,708 Because she's mean. She picked Christmas day to do it. 141 00:10:48,708 --> 00:10:51,500 Damn! You need revenge. 142 00:10:51,500 --> 00:10:53,500 [ man on TV ] Revenge! We need revenge! 143 00:10:53,500 --> 00:10:56,583 Revenge! We need revenge! 144 00:10:56,583 --> 00:11:02,083 Let's kidnap Santa Claus. We'll break into his North Pole toy shop and seize him. 145 00:11:02,083 --> 00:11:07,166 Maybe those moon men are, uh, are onto something. 146 00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:09,667 You mean we should kidnap Santa? 147 00:11:09,667 --> 00:11:12,500 Wait a minute. Why don't we just kidnap Miss Crock? 148 00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:15,250 That's crazy. No, that's brilliant. 149 00:11:15,250 --> 00:11:17,500 We'll grab granny, we'll hold her ass for ransom. 150 00:11:17,500 --> 00:11:20,458 And if they don't pay, we start hacking off her fingers. 151 00:11:20,458 --> 00:11:22,750 First her thumb, then her pointer, 152 00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:24,750 then her little nasty finger. 153 00:11:24,750 --> 00:11:26,708 Hey, man, what are you talking about? 154 00:11:26,708 --> 00:11:30,834 We're not criminals. You fry chicken, I drive a car. 155 00:11:30,834 --> 00:11:33,250 When that money comes rolling in, I'll go crazy, man. 156 00:11:33,250 --> 00:11:35,333 I'll-- I'll laminate my menus. 157 00:11:35,333 --> 00:11:37,583 Hey, shut up, okay? 158 00:11:37,583 --> 00:11:40,083 We know nothing about kidnapping an old lady. 159 00:11:42,125 --> 00:11:44,125 Hey, but what about her dog? 160 00:11:44,125 --> 00:11:47,125 You mean Biscuit? No, Muffin. 161 00:11:47,125 --> 00:11:50,667 Yeah, she loves him more than anything in the world. 162 00:11:50,667 --> 00:11:53,792 I bet she'd pay plenty for that old bag of fleas. 163 00:11:53,792 --> 00:11:57,708 Yeah, I bet she'd pay a million bucks. 164 00:11:57,708 --> 00:12:01,542 [ digital voice ] ♪ A million bucks a million bucks ♪ 165 00:12:01,542 --> 00:12:08,458 ♪ A million bucks a million bucks ♪ 166 00:12:22,667 --> 00:12:24,708 Remember, we have to be quiet inside the house. 167 00:12:24,708 --> 00:12:26,792 Miss Crock is a light sleeper. 168 00:12:26,792 --> 00:12:28,959 You ain't gotta worry about me. 169 00:12:34,417 --> 00:12:36,792 This place is nice. 170 00:12:40,375 --> 00:12:43,125 What the hell are you doing? 171 00:12:43,125 --> 00:12:45,166 I'm checking for electric eyes. 172 00:12:45,166 --> 00:12:47,041 There's no electric eyes. 173 00:12:47,041 --> 00:12:49,333 How do you know that? They're invisible. Trust me. 174 00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:51,625 I've lived here my entire life. 175 00:12:55,834 --> 00:12:58,000 [ sighs ] 176 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,125 So, this is where the old bitch sleeps, huh? 177 00:13:00,125 --> 00:13:02,125 Shh. 178 00:13:05,250 --> 00:13:08,041 [ Miss Crock snoring ] 179 00:13:08,041 --> 00:13:11,500 Okay, give me the weenie. 180 00:13:21,708 --> 00:13:25,041 Okay, Muffin. I have a special treat for you. 181 00:13:27,333 --> 00:13:29,083 Oh, cripes. 182 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:36,583 What kind of aim was that? 183 00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:40,792 Muffin, Muffin, bite my weenie. 184 00:13:40,792 --> 00:13:44,375 [ growling ] 185 00:13:44,375 --> 00:13:46,667 [ growls ] 186 00:13:52,667 --> 00:13:54,875 Oh, the hell with this. Plan B. 187 00:13:56,458 --> 00:14:01,083 [ barking ] 188 00:14:01,083 --> 00:14:04,333 - Will you shut that dog up? - [ growling ] 189 00:14:04,333 --> 00:14:07,166 Aah! 190 00:14:07,166 --> 00:14:10,375 - Shh. - You bastard! 191 00:14:10,375 --> 00:14:14,542 [ screaming ] 192 00:14:15,708 --> 00:14:18,667 Oh. Mm. Shh. 193 00:14:18,667 --> 00:14:21,542 Aah! 194 00:14:26,083 --> 00:14:28,542 [ sighs ] 195 00:14:28,542 --> 00:14:32,333 Aah! 196 00:14:32,333 --> 00:14:34,542 Hey, would you keep it down? 197 00:14:34,542 --> 00:14:39,125 Ow! Keep it down? This thing is eating my hand! 198 00:14:40,250 --> 00:14:42,125 Aah! 199 00:14:44,792 --> 00:14:48,166 Oh, Jesus, this is a nightmare! 200 00:14:48,166 --> 00:14:50,125 Put him in the box! [ growling ] 201 00:14:54,959 --> 00:14:58,583 [ screaming ] 202 00:14:58,583 --> 00:15:01,125 Who's smarter, huh? Now who's smarter? 203 00:15:02,792 --> 00:15:04,959 [ barking ] What should it say? 204 00:15:04,959 --> 00:15:07,375 Um, um, we've got him. 205 00:15:07,375 --> 00:15:12,291 Pay us $1 million, or he's a dead dog! 206 00:15:12,291 --> 00:15:14,792 How does that sound? Fine. 207 00:15:14,792 --> 00:15:17,041 Let's get the hell out of here. 208 00:15:17,041 --> 00:15:19,125 [ barking ] 209 00:15:30,583 --> 00:15:34,834 One million dollars! This is the happiest day of my life. 210 00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:38,291 - Yeah, with that money, we can do anything. - I know what I'm gonna do. 211 00:15:38,291 --> 00:15:40,500 I'm gonna buy me a four-star chicken hole. 212 00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:43,500 I'll get a better neighborhood and a listing in the Zagat guide. 213 00:15:43,500 --> 00:15:47,333 I'm gonna go someplace warm where you don't need layered clothing. 214 00:15:47,333 --> 00:15:50,333 Start over. I got some good years left in me. I can better myself. 215 00:15:50,333 --> 00:15:53,834 I'm gonna register at one of them four-year universities. 216 00:15:53,834 --> 00:15:56,625 [ whimpering ] 217 00:16:09,291 --> 00:16:13,041 My friend, here's to second chances. 218 00:16:16,708 --> 00:16:18,708 [ both laughing ] 219 00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:43,542 [ sighs ] 220 00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:49,625 [ earplugs pop ] 221 00:17:15,917 --> 00:17:19,917 Did you have a lovely sleep, Muffin? Oh, yes. 222 00:17:19,917 --> 00:17:23,917 Now we'll have a lovely breakfast, you and-- 223 00:17:29,125 --> 00:17:32,583 oh, my... God! 224 00:17:32,583 --> 00:17:36,417 Oh, my God. Look at me. 225 00:17:36,417 --> 00:17:41,458 Muffin, look what they've done to your mother. 226 00:17:41,458 --> 00:17:43,625 I don't know-- 227 00:17:45,458 --> 00:17:47,875 "We've got him. 228 00:17:47,875 --> 00:17:53,125 Pay us $1 million, or he's a dead dog." 229 00:17:53,125 --> 00:17:55,125 Who's a dead dog? 230 00:17:55,125 --> 00:17:58,458 Willard? Willard! 231 00:17:58,458 --> 00:18:01,792 Man, we've got so many choices. 232 00:18:01,792 --> 00:18:03,875 I'm just trying to get out of Pittsburgh. 233 00:18:03,875 --> 00:18:07,834 You said it. Hey, check out this, huh? Bora Bora. 234 00:18:07,834 --> 00:18:10,875 I was thinking more like the Caribbean myself. 235 00:18:10,875 --> 00:18:14,417 Yeah, well, whichever one has a school with a strong liberal arts program. 236 00:18:14,417 --> 00:18:16,500 [ both scream ] 237 00:18:16,500 --> 00:18:19,333 Oh, my lord! I'm dead! 238 00:18:19,333 --> 00:18:21,834 We're going to jail. What do you mean "we"? 239 00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:25,333 That's my picture on the front page. 240 00:18:30,542 --> 00:18:33,458 Who would have thought kidnapping a dog would make the front page? 241 00:18:33,458 --> 00:18:36,792 Wait a minute. They think it was me. 242 00:18:36,792 --> 00:18:39,333 They think I was kidnapped. They-- they don't even mention Muffin. 243 00:18:39,333 --> 00:18:41,667 Ridiculous. Why would somebody kidnap you? 244 00:18:41,667 --> 00:18:43,750 I don't know, but they think someone did. 245 00:18:43,750 --> 00:18:45,834 "There were signs of a scuffle, 246 00:18:45,834 --> 00:18:47,875 "the chauffeur's blood was found on the wall... 247 00:18:47,875 --> 00:18:53,708 and a note demanded one million dollars, or he's a dead dog." 248 00:19:05,834 --> 00:19:07,792 [ both scream ] 249 00:19:07,792 --> 00:19:12,542 Sweet Jesus! We kidnapped a turd. 250 00:19:12,542 --> 00:19:14,542 According to sources, the missing chauffeur... 251 00:19:14,542 --> 00:19:17,792 had been a loyal employee for over 15 years. 252 00:19:17,792 --> 00:19:21,000 Virginia Crock, known for her mouthwatering treats, 253 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:24,208 awoke this morning to news that was not so sweet. 254 00:19:24,208 --> 00:19:26,750 [ reporter continues, indistinct ] 255 00:19:36,959 --> 00:19:38,917 Do you have any enemies? 256 00:19:38,917 --> 00:19:43,458 Not that I know of. I'm just an elderly lady who makes pies. 257 00:19:43,458 --> 00:19:47,834 Well, uh, does Mr. Fillmore have any enemies? 258 00:19:47,834 --> 00:19:51,667 Who? That's Willard's last name. 259 00:19:51,667 --> 00:19:53,542 Oh. 260 00:19:53,542 --> 00:19:55,917 Not that I know of. 261 00:19:55,917 --> 00:19:59,500 Did he have anybody that he used to, uh, bring around the house? 262 00:19:59,500 --> 00:20:01,708 Not that I know of. 263 00:20:03,708 --> 00:20:06,250 Does he have any living relatives? 264 00:20:06,250 --> 00:20:09,083 Not that I know of. 265 00:20:10,708 --> 00:20:16,250 Ma'am, excuse me, but, uh, 266 00:20:16,250 --> 00:20:19,667 this man worked for you for over a decade, 267 00:20:19,667 --> 00:20:24,625 and you don't know if he has any friends or any relatives? 268 00:20:24,625 --> 00:20:26,875 Detective, Miss Crock has told you everything she knows. 269 00:20:26,875 --> 00:20:29,125 What are you talking about? She hasn't told me anything. 270 00:20:29,125 --> 00:20:31,959 Sir, if it makes you happy, 271 00:20:31,959 --> 00:20:35,792 you go right ahead and find Willard Fillmore. 272 00:20:35,792 --> 00:20:38,125 [ cane strikes ground ] As for me, 273 00:20:39,959 --> 00:20:42,125 it's time for my nap. 274 00:20:44,667 --> 00:20:47,000 [ female reporter ] According to sources, 275 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:48,959 Fillmore moved to Pittsburgh at the age of six. 276 00:20:48,959 --> 00:20:51,166 Here's the thing. I hardly knew Willard. 277 00:20:51,166 --> 00:20:53,750 Police say if you have any information, 278 00:20:53,750 --> 00:20:56,750 call the Pie Hunt hotline at 1-800-- 279 00:20:56,750 --> 00:20:59,500 How did this get so big? Rusty, we gotta turn ourselves in. 280 00:20:59,500 --> 00:21:01,417 How? They think you're the victim. 281 00:21:01,417 --> 00:21:05,166 Shit. You have to be really dumb to accidentally kidnap yourself. 282 00:21:05,166 --> 00:21:08,750 Wait a minute. This is all gonna get pinned on me! 283 00:21:08,750 --> 00:21:12,208 You gotta get un-kidnapped! You gotta escape! 284 00:21:12,208 --> 00:21:14,208 The kidnappers, they go out to dinner, 285 00:21:14,208 --> 00:21:16,166 you chew through the ropes, you get away. 286 00:21:16,166 --> 00:21:19,708 Yeah, that's good. That's good, but-- but it should be real. 287 00:21:19,708 --> 00:21:23,875 Uh, there was a struggle, and I got all bruised and beat up. 288 00:21:27,333 --> 00:21:29,500 This is an airtight alibi. 289 00:21:29,500 --> 00:21:32,917 Here. Let me help you. Good. Good. 290 00:21:32,917 --> 00:21:35,500 You like that, right? Yeah, wait a minute. Oh! 291 00:21:35,500 --> 00:21:38,500 What? Oh, I got an idea. 292 00:21:40,083 --> 00:21:44,000 What are we worried about? Why don't I just stay kidnapped? 293 00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:48,041 Why? It makes perfect sense. 294 00:21:48,041 --> 00:21:50,166 Instead of them paying a million dollars for Muffin, 295 00:21:50,166 --> 00:21:52,458 they pay it for me. 296 00:21:52,458 --> 00:21:54,583 Why would somebody pay a million dollars for you? 297 00:21:54,583 --> 00:21:57,333 'Cause I'm a man. Muffin's a dog. 298 00:21:57,333 --> 00:22:01,041 But he got a pedigree. Gimme a break. I'm better than he is. 299 00:22:03,542 --> 00:22:06,041 Come on! I'm better than a dog! 300 00:22:07,875 --> 00:22:10,208 I'm five times better. 301 00:22:10,208 --> 00:22:14,375 "Five million dollars." 302 00:22:14,375 --> 00:22:17,000 It's repugnant. 303 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,417 It's like a rising stock. 304 00:22:19,417 --> 00:22:23,083 Why did he jump from one to five? [ scoffs ] 305 00:22:30,333 --> 00:22:35,208 All right now, let's see some real emotion here. You're kidnapped. 306 00:22:35,208 --> 00:22:38,792 Let's see some tears. I want to feel something real. 307 00:22:38,792 --> 00:22:42,750 - And action. - Help! Save me! 308 00:22:42,750 --> 00:22:46,583 Miss Crock, I'm begging you, please, oh! 309 00:22:48,166 --> 00:22:52,083 Hey, whoa. I got into MSNBC. How do you plug that camera in? 310 00:22:53,542 --> 00:22:55,625 I think like this. 311 00:22:58,417 --> 00:23:00,083 [ laughs ] 312 00:23:00,083 --> 00:23:02,917 And in a startling development in the Pittsburgh kidnapping, 313 00:23:02,917 --> 00:23:06,291 this shocking videotape was e-mailed to MSNBC. 314 00:23:06,291 --> 00:23:09,750 Help, Miss Crock, save me. I'm begging you. 315 00:23:09,750 --> 00:23:12,917 They got me wearing chains! 316 00:23:12,917 --> 00:23:14,917 I'm living in a-a cage. 317 00:23:14,917 --> 00:23:18,625 Oh, they're gonna kill me. They're gonna kill me if you don't pay. 318 00:23:18,625 --> 00:23:21,959 Oh, open your wallet, you tight ass! 319 00:23:21,959 --> 00:23:25,583 Jesus, somebody has to do something. Oh! 320 00:23:25,583 --> 00:23:27,583 [ Rusty ] Dinnertime, dog. 321 00:23:27,583 --> 00:23:29,625 Oh! 322 00:23:30,750 --> 00:23:33,959 They got me eating kibble. Aah! 323 00:23:33,959 --> 00:23:36,250 [ moans, coughs ] 324 00:23:36,250 --> 00:23:39,375 I don't know how much longer I can last. 325 00:23:39,375 --> 00:23:44,041 Oh, God, Chip. He's wearing a collar. 326 00:23:44,041 --> 00:23:48,166 Oh, collars don't hurt. He's trying to intimidate us. 327 00:23:48,166 --> 00:23:50,125 Ow! What is that? 328 00:23:50,125 --> 00:23:53,250 Oh, is that urine? Oh, it is! 329 00:23:53,250 --> 00:23:57,542 It is! It's human urine! [ screams ] 330 00:23:57,542 --> 00:23:59,708 Chip, we're late. 331 00:23:59,708 --> 00:24:01,667 [ reporters ] Miss Crock! Miss Crock! 332 00:24:01,667 --> 00:24:04,083 Do you have a reaction to the kibble video? I don't-- 333 00:24:04,083 --> 00:24:06,333 Have you changed your mind about paying the ransom? 334 00:24:06,333 --> 00:24:09,000 Miss Crock will not deal with criminals. This is a police matter. 335 00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:12,000 Your chauffeur was chained up like a dog. Don't you have any compassion? 336 00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:14,667 I'll show you compassion. 337 00:24:14,667 --> 00:24:18,291 Get your asses off my property! 338 00:24:18,291 --> 00:24:20,708 I'm afraid you didn't hear me. 339 00:24:20,708 --> 00:24:25,041 I'm afraid you didn't hear me! 340 00:24:25,041 --> 00:24:28,375 Today, dessert baron Virginia Crock reiterated... 341 00:24:28,375 --> 00:24:31,208 she will not pay the ransom. 342 00:24:31,208 --> 00:24:33,875 We went to the man in the street to find out what he thinks. 343 00:24:33,875 --> 00:24:36,417 She-- she's rich. She can afford it. 344 00:24:36,417 --> 00:24:40,375 If I worked for that [ bleep ] slut, 345 00:24:40,375 --> 00:24:44,792 I'd tell her to [ bleep ] get down, get [ bleep ] busy on my [ bleep ], man. 346 00:24:44,792 --> 00:24:48,667 [ reporter ] More concerned citizens have started a formal protest. 347 00:24:48,667 --> 00:24:51,417 No more pies if Willard dies! 348 00:24:51,417 --> 00:24:54,500 Hey, is that Hillary? 349 00:24:54,500 --> 00:24:56,750 [ Rusty ] Oh, she's looking good. 350 00:24:56,750 --> 00:24:59,083 [ crowd chanting ] [ truck horn honks ] 351 00:25:04,875 --> 00:25:08,750 - Whoo! - Rich people are no good. 352 00:25:08,750 --> 00:25:11,083 I never gonna eat her pie again. 353 00:25:16,500 --> 00:25:18,458 This media blitz is killing us. 354 00:25:18,458 --> 00:25:20,708 Our sales have dropped 50%. 355 00:25:28,959 --> 00:25:32,375 [ crowd chanting ] Miss Crock, go to hell. Miss Crock-- 356 00:25:38,041 --> 00:25:41,083 Miss Crock, many bad things are happened. 357 00:25:41,083 --> 00:25:44,041 We thought we were buying your wholesome American image. 358 00:25:44,041 --> 00:25:48,625 But it's terrible shock that you don't rescue your loyal houseman. 359 00:25:48,625 --> 00:25:51,333 Sweet old lady on pie box is now super-villain. 360 00:25:51,333 --> 00:25:54,250 I'm sorry, honey. They're playing hardball. 361 00:25:54,250 --> 00:25:56,917 If you don't pay up, they're gonna walk. 362 00:26:01,959 --> 00:26:04,625 [ Miss Crock ] Fuck! 363 00:26:04,625 --> 00:26:07,625 Of course I'm gonna pay the ransom. 364 00:26:07,625 --> 00:26:13,583 I just didn't want to encourage those underworld criminals. 365 00:26:13,583 --> 00:26:16,583 But now I want Willard home again with me. 366 00:26:16,583 --> 00:26:20,667 [ cheering ] The old hag is coughing up! 367 00:26:20,667 --> 00:26:23,708 Thank you, Miss Crook. And thank you Hillary for kicking her ass. 368 00:26:23,708 --> 00:26:26,166 I'm free! 369 00:26:26,166 --> 00:26:29,166 We are millionaires! Millionaires! 370 00:26:29,166 --> 00:26:32,500 Anybody here? Hello? 371 00:26:34,667 --> 00:26:37,000 Hey, what can I do for you? 372 00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:39,000 Are you Rusty P. Hayes? 373 00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:42,333 Yes, I am. Can I interest you in my shrimp boat special? 374 00:26:42,333 --> 00:26:46,208 No, I'm here investigating the kidnapping of Willard Fillmore. 375 00:26:46,208 --> 00:26:50,333 - Who? - You must have read about him. 376 00:26:50,333 --> 00:26:52,959 I don't read newspapers. 377 00:26:52,959 --> 00:26:55,000 We thought you might know him. 378 00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:58,041 We were going through Mr. Fillmore's belongings, 379 00:26:58,041 --> 00:27:02,792 and we found this, uh, chicken dinner special punch card. 380 00:27:02,792 --> 00:27:06,917 Oh, really. Oh, yeah, this guy. 381 00:27:06,917 --> 00:27:09,708 I was wondering what happened to him. He was kidnapped. 382 00:27:09,708 --> 00:27:12,708 Look. When he came in here, did he, uh, 383 00:27:12,708 --> 00:27:17,166 ever do anything unusual that would draw attention to him? 384 00:27:17,166 --> 00:27:22,208 Well, one time I seen him eat 50 chicken gizzards all by himself. 385 00:27:22,208 --> 00:27:27,250 - Oh. - Look, if you come across anything that might help us, 386 00:27:27,250 --> 00:27:29,333 give me a call. Sure. 387 00:27:29,333 --> 00:27:34,041 I hate loose ends, and I want this case to end. 388 00:27:51,083 --> 00:27:54,083 I was so scared, I thought I was gonna pee in my pants. 389 00:27:54,083 --> 00:27:56,417 He knows something. He had a funny look on his face. 390 00:27:56,417 --> 00:28:00,166 Why'd you have to tell him so much? I didn't tell him nothing. 391 00:28:00,166 --> 00:28:02,583 All I told him was about the time you ate 50 chicken gizzards. 392 00:28:02,583 --> 00:28:06,417 That wasn't me. That was some Chinese guy. 393 00:28:06,417 --> 00:28:08,583 Oh, Fong did do that, didn't he? 394 00:28:08,583 --> 00:28:10,625 I'm telling you we got problems. 395 00:28:10,625 --> 00:28:12,708 That evil Kojak hates loose ends. 396 00:28:12,708 --> 00:28:15,792 And when they pay and I don't show up, that's a loose end. 397 00:28:15,792 --> 00:28:19,625 He'll go nuts. But you'll be someplace nice, like Jamaica. 398 00:28:19,625 --> 00:28:22,583 Yeah, well, he'll track me there. Hey, hey, wait a minute. 399 00:28:22,583 --> 00:28:25,333 What if we fooled them and made them think I was dead? 400 00:28:25,333 --> 00:28:28,083 Like, uh, like maybe if we borrowed a corpse. 401 00:28:28,083 --> 00:28:31,750 Hey, don't we know somebody who knows somebody who works at the morgue? 402 00:28:31,750 --> 00:28:35,125 Hillary. Yeah, Hillary used to live across the street... 403 00:28:35,125 --> 00:28:37,667 from a fat dude who was in the army with this guy who worked at the morgue. 404 00:28:37,667 --> 00:28:40,375 Oh, I forgot it was Hillary. 405 00:28:40,375 --> 00:28:43,125 Oh, yeah, you can't hit her up, man. 406 00:28:43,125 --> 00:28:45,083 She just walked a picket line for you. 407 00:28:52,500 --> 00:28:55,083 [ doorbell rings ] 408 00:29:02,834 --> 00:29:05,792 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 409 00:29:05,792 --> 00:29:07,875 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 410 00:29:07,875 --> 00:29:10,041 I never thought I'd see you again, and here you are. 411 00:29:10,041 --> 00:29:13,750 I brought you flowers. Oh, my God. 412 00:29:13,750 --> 00:29:15,917 Wow. You're such a class act. 413 00:29:15,917 --> 00:29:18,875 You get ransomed, then you buy me flowers. 414 00:29:18,875 --> 00:29:23,000 Well, I didn't get ransomed, per se. 415 00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:27,333 Did you escape? No, I didn't escape literally. 416 00:29:32,291 --> 00:29:36,333 - Aah! - Shit. 417 00:29:39,917 --> 00:29:42,375 Where'd they go? 418 00:29:48,041 --> 00:29:50,083 All right, how did you do it? 419 00:29:50,083 --> 00:29:51,917 It was really no problem. 420 00:29:51,917 --> 00:29:54,166 I told her the truth, we had a little sex, 421 00:29:54,166 --> 00:29:56,208 she told me the guy's name, Grover. 422 00:29:56,208 --> 00:30:00,000 Damn. Did all that in ten minutes. 423 00:30:03,333 --> 00:30:05,375 Ooh, spooky. 424 00:30:28,125 --> 00:30:30,542 [ coroner muttering ] 425 00:30:40,250 --> 00:30:42,333 Grover? 426 00:30:42,333 --> 00:30:45,208 - [ mumbling ] - Grover. 427 00:30:45,208 --> 00:30:47,583 Hmm? 428 00:30:50,583 --> 00:30:53,041 Hey, what are you doing? Get away from that. 429 00:30:53,041 --> 00:30:57,625 I'm-- I'm sorry. Oh, it's just a rock. 430 00:30:57,625 --> 00:30:59,875 Oh, it's not just a rock. 431 00:31:02,583 --> 00:31:04,583 It's a pet rock. 432 00:31:04,583 --> 00:31:07,041 Oh, jeez, a pet rock. 433 00:31:07,041 --> 00:31:09,250 Man, I haven't seen one of these in years. 434 00:31:09,250 --> 00:31:12,166 Yeah. I just dug it out of his colon. 435 00:31:12,166 --> 00:31:16,000 - Aah! - Oh. 436 00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:20,125 Yeah, yeah, it's still warm. 437 00:31:20,125 --> 00:31:22,750 I got a whole collection. 438 00:31:22,750 --> 00:31:26,041 Yeah, it's-- it's really amazing... 439 00:31:26,041 --> 00:31:30,041 what you dig out of the inside of dead people when you cut them open. 440 00:31:30,041 --> 00:31:32,792 People swallow everything. Here's some dice. 441 00:31:33,792 --> 00:31:36,041 The guy must have been to Vegas. 442 00:31:36,041 --> 00:31:39,291 [ chuckles ] Yeah, got all kinds of stuff here. 443 00:31:39,291 --> 00:31:42,667 This beautiful harmonica. 444 00:31:42,667 --> 00:31:45,792 Oh, oh, don't put that in your mouth. 445 00:31:45,792 --> 00:31:49,291 This is interesting here. Ah, yes. 446 00:31:49,291 --> 00:31:53,708 You gotta go in that way. It couldn't have gone it this way. 447 00:31:53,708 --> 00:31:55,959 He would have noticed. A broom. 448 00:31:58,333 --> 00:32:00,375 Oh. [ laughs ] 449 00:32:00,375 --> 00:32:04,208 Oop! Where'd it go? 450 00:32:04,208 --> 00:32:08,625 Ooh, forget about it. Oh, he's dead, and then you find it. 451 00:32:08,625 --> 00:32:11,000 You know, it's all kinds of stuff like that. 452 00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:14,917 Oh, this is good. Yeah. This is a clicker. 453 00:32:14,917 --> 00:32:18,083 Hey, honey, where's the clicker? [ laughs ] 454 00:32:18,083 --> 00:32:20,583 I don't know. [ laughs ] 455 00:32:20,583 --> 00:32:24,500 Inside me. Here. Look at this. 456 00:32:24,500 --> 00:32:27,250 A perfectly good comb. 457 00:32:27,250 --> 00:32:30,834 Grover, how would you like to make $100,000? 458 00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:36,542 That's a lot of cheese. What do I got to do? 459 00:32:36,542 --> 00:32:41,041 Well, I want... people to think that I'm dead. 460 00:32:43,375 --> 00:32:45,333 Dead? 461 00:32:45,333 --> 00:32:47,542 Yeah, you just take one of those dead bodies... 462 00:32:47,542 --> 00:32:50,000 and dress it up like my man Willard here, 463 00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:52,083 and when they find it, they think it's him. 464 00:32:52,083 --> 00:32:54,875 Oh, oh, you think it's that easy? 465 00:32:54,875 --> 00:32:57,041 I can just take up any old body and give it to you? 466 00:32:57,041 --> 00:32:59,333 I-I got filing slips. 467 00:32:59,333 --> 00:33:02,208 My bodies are catalogued. This is a tight ship. 468 00:33:02,208 --> 00:33:05,708 Uh, why don't you just take some old bum that nobody would notice? 469 00:33:05,708 --> 00:33:07,750 A bum? Hmm. 470 00:33:07,750 --> 00:33:10,291 Come on, man. If you do it, there's a hundred grand in it for you. 471 00:33:10,291 --> 00:33:14,291 - Will it show up on my W-2? - No. No, tax-free. 472 00:33:14,291 --> 00:33:16,500 Okay, good. Because why should my money... 473 00:33:16,500 --> 00:33:18,500 go to pave roads and build schools? 474 00:33:18,500 --> 00:33:22,041 Yeah, good point. Listen. This is the plan. 475 00:33:22,041 --> 00:33:26,083 Dump the body tomorrow night and make sure you get somebody that looks like me, okay? 476 00:33:26,083 --> 00:33:28,125 No problem. Piece of cake. 477 00:33:28,125 --> 00:33:31,208 Now, here's some clothes of mine that you can put on him. 478 00:33:31,208 --> 00:33:33,708 And, uh, I got my driver's license. 479 00:33:33,708 --> 00:33:36,166 You put that in his pocket. Yes. 480 00:33:36,166 --> 00:33:37,750 And, uh, here's some jewelry. 481 00:33:37,750 --> 00:33:41,417 Jewelry. Oh, those are nice. 482 00:33:41,417 --> 00:33:44,166 [ grunts ] 483 00:33:44,166 --> 00:33:47,041 Oh, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. 484 00:33:47,041 --> 00:33:49,417 Isn't this suit kind of ratty? 485 00:33:49,417 --> 00:33:52,667 Ain't it gonna be degrading for a dead man to have to wear this trash? 486 00:33:52,667 --> 00:33:54,583 Just do it. 487 00:33:54,583 --> 00:33:58,834 All right. All right. I'll do it. 488 00:33:58,834 --> 00:34:02,250 Miss Crock, I just want to thank you... 489 00:34:02,250 --> 00:34:04,750 for agreeing to pay the ransom. 490 00:34:06,083 --> 00:34:08,000 'Cause most folks-- 491 00:34:08,000 --> 00:34:11,208 most folks just don't appreciate the work we cops do. 492 00:34:11,208 --> 00:34:13,291 [ snoring ] 493 00:34:13,291 --> 00:34:16,083 - Virginia. - Hmm? What? 494 00:34:16,083 --> 00:34:21,208 - [ phone ringing ] - Willard, bring in our guests some coffee. 495 00:34:21,208 --> 00:34:24,417 - [ ringing continues ] - Willard! 496 00:34:24,417 --> 00:34:27,291 - Willard? - What's that? 497 00:34:27,291 --> 00:34:29,667 [ beeping ] I don't know. 498 00:34:34,333 --> 00:34:37,083 The cover page is from Pick 'N Shop. 499 00:34:40,125 --> 00:34:42,166 It's from the kidnappers. 500 00:34:42,166 --> 00:34:46,000 "Miss Crock, bring the cash to Three Rivers Stadium at 10 p.m. 501 00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:50,625 No cops or the chauffeur dies." No cops? 502 00:34:50,625 --> 00:34:54,667 What if those bums run off with my money? Don't worry, ma'am. 503 00:34:54,667 --> 00:34:59,792 That ballpark is so gigantic, we're gonna be able to hide a million cops in there. 504 00:34:59,792 --> 00:35:01,667 I thought these guys were smart, 505 00:35:01,667 --> 00:35:04,125 but they're in way over their heads. 506 00:35:12,166 --> 00:35:16,208 You think those cops are gonna show up at the stadium? 507 00:35:16,208 --> 00:35:20,834 You kiddin' me, man? It's gonna be like rush hour at Dunkin' Donuts. 508 00:35:20,834 --> 00:35:22,875 Yeah. 509 00:35:22,875 --> 00:35:25,625 I'll be waiting for you in the runway lounge. 510 00:35:25,625 --> 00:35:28,375 - Don't forget. The flight's at midnight. - then, tomorrow, 511 00:35:28,375 --> 00:35:30,291 we'll be lying on the beach. 512 00:35:30,291 --> 00:35:33,375 - Sipping margaritas. - Smoking a fatty. 513 00:35:37,125 --> 00:35:41,542 This is the most distressful day of my life. 514 00:35:41,542 --> 00:35:44,250 Do we have to pay them all the money? 515 00:35:44,250 --> 00:35:48,500 I mean, couldn't we, I don't know, sort of shortchange them a little? 516 00:35:48,500 --> 00:35:50,500 Virginia, bite the bullet. 517 00:35:50,500 --> 00:35:53,333 I'm sure your tax men will figure a way to write it off. 518 00:35:54,750 --> 00:35:58,083 Hmm. That's a lot of green. 519 00:36:00,875 --> 00:36:05,750 Jesus Christ, what the hell is the wheel doing on this side of the car? 520 00:36:05,750 --> 00:36:10,750 God almighty. I don't know how poor Willard ever put up with this shit. 521 00:36:10,750 --> 00:36:13,583 [ phone rings ] 522 00:36:13,583 --> 00:36:15,583 [ ring ] 523 00:36:17,458 --> 00:36:19,750 - Hello? - This is the kidnapper. 524 00:36:19,750 --> 00:36:22,583 - How did you get my number? - Shut up. There's been a change in plan. 525 00:36:22,583 --> 00:36:24,583 Don't go to no stadium. 526 00:36:24,583 --> 00:36:26,917 I gotta go to the stadium. 527 00:36:26,917 --> 00:36:31,125 You're not gonna do nothing until I tell you to, you smelly old bitch. 528 00:36:31,125 --> 00:36:35,083 Now listen. You meet me at midtown park. 529 00:36:35,083 --> 00:36:37,333 That place isn't safe after dark. 530 00:36:37,333 --> 00:36:41,083 Oh, cork it. I'll see you there in ten minutes. 531 00:36:44,041 --> 00:36:46,875 [ dialing ] 532 00:36:46,875 --> 00:36:48,917 Quick, get me the police! 533 00:36:48,917 --> 00:36:52,542 - I'm still here! - [ screams ] - [ tires skid ] 534 00:36:52,542 --> 00:36:56,792 Try any more games like that, and I'll put a bullet right through Willard's head. 535 00:37:27,417 --> 00:37:29,458 Give me the money! 536 00:37:29,458 --> 00:37:32,542 Oh, you're the kidnapper. 537 00:37:32,542 --> 00:37:35,291 You no-good hooligan! 538 00:37:35,291 --> 00:37:38,708 You decimate my house. 539 00:37:38,708 --> 00:37:41,500 You violate my public goodwill. 540 00:37:41,500 --> 00:37:46,125 And why? Why me? What did I ever do to you? 541 00:37:46,125 --> 00:37:50,208 - Gimme the money! - You oughta be ashamed of yourself. 542 00:37:50,208 --> 00:37:54,166 Does your mother know the kind of work that you do? 543 00:37:54,166 --> 00:37:58,291 Don't you ever stop talking? Gimme the money! 544 00:37:58,291 --> 00:38:03,208 Gimme the money. [ laughing ] 545 00:38:03,208 --> 00:38:05,625 Now I expect you to return Willard... 546 00:38:05,625 --> 00:38:08,625 in exactly the same condition he was in. 547 00:38:08,625 --> 00:38:10,583 He was a strong worker, 548 00:38:10,583 --> 00:38:13,000 and he had good teeth. 549 00:38:14,708 --> 00:38:16,875 I got the money! I got the money! 550 00:38:16,875 --> 00:38:19,291 Ha ha! I gotta buy Hillary a nice dinner. 551 00:38:19,291 --> 00:38:21,375 Yeah, and I'm gonna buy my mom a new headstone. 552 00:38:21,375 --> 00:38:23,917 Yeah, one with her name on it and everything! 553 00:38:23,917 --> 00:38:27,166 - [ laughing ] I got the money! - Mister. 554 00:38:27,166 --> 00:38:30,542 Hey, mister. What's in the suitcase? 555 00:38:30,542 --> 00:38:33,708 - Get away from me. - Hey, mister. What's in the suitcase? 556 00:38:33,708 --> 00:38:36,041 - Hand it over. - Get away from me, you little shit. 557 00:38:36,041 --> 00:38:39,041 - Mister, what's in the suitcase? - Show us some respect. 558 00:38:39,041 --> 00:38:43,125 - What's in the suitcase? - Hand it over. I don't like your attitude. 559 00:38:43,125 --> 00:38:45,542 Ah, take a hike. Hey! 560 00:38:46,875 --> 00:38:49,083 Ow, Jesus Christ! 561 00:38:49,083 --> 00:38:50,917 Harder! 562 00:38:50,917 --> 00:38:54,500 - Oh! - Zap him! - [ electrical charge ] 563 00:38:54,500 --> 00:38:57,250 Aah! 564 00:38:57,250 --> 00:39:00,250 [ distant police sirens ] 565 00:39:00,250 --> 00:39:03,083 Oh. 566 00:39:05,208 --> 00:39:09,375 You can't let 'em down now. You can't let 'em down. 567 00:39:13,250 --> 00:39:15,875 Yeah, let's see. 568 00:39:21,875 --> 00:39:23,875 No. 569 00:39:23,875 --> 00:39:25,917 [ mumbling ] 570 00:39:41,417 --> 00:39:43,917 Nah. That's no good. 571 00:39:49,583 --> 00:39:51,667 [ mumbles, indistinct ] 572 00:39:55,667 --> 00:39:58,083 Hmm. Oh. 573 00:39:59,291 --> 00:40:01,959 Not bad. 574 00:40:01,959 --> 00:40:03,959 Not bad. 575 00:40:06,834 --> 00:40:09,500 [ water sloshing ] 576 00:40:10,583 --> 00:40:12,667 Uh-- [ clears throat ] 577 00:40:14,750 --> 00:40:17,291 Don't pay any attention to me. 578 00:40:17,291 --> 00:40:20,041 I'm just gonna take some work home. 579 00:40:20,041 --> 00:40:23,500 I'm very conscientious. 580 00:40:23,500 --> 00:40:26,125 I'll-- oh, boy. 581 00:40:28,041 --> 00:40:31,041 I'll go get it. [ crash ] 582 00:40:38,875 --> 00:40:41,125 - Wake up. - [ screams ] - [ barks ] 583 00:40:41,125 --> 00:40:44,208 Where am I? What is this? What's going on here? 584 00:40:44,208 --> 00:40:48,542 The police found you beat up in the park. 585 00:40:48,542 --> 00:40:50,792 But, of course, those incompetents... 586 00:40:50,792 --> 00:40:53,959 let the kidnappers get away with my money. 587 00:40:53,959 --> 00:40:56,000 So, I was in the park, 588 00:40:56,000 --> 00:40:59,166 and-- and they got away with the five million-- 589 00:40:59,166 --> 00:41:03,875 You owe me, and you're going to work off that ransom... 590 00:41:03,875 --> 00:41:08,875 until the day Jesus calls you home. 591 00:41:12,500 --> 00:41:14,542 Just the chunk light in spring water, 592 00:41:14,542 --> 00:41:16,667 not in olive oil, and a Diet Coke. 593 00:41:16,667 --> 00:41:20,542 Got it. Oh, there you are, as I live and breathe. 594 00:41:20,542 --> 00:41:23,500 Pittsburgh's finest. I'm truly sorry, ma'am. 595 00:41:23,500 --> 00:41:27,750 But if it's any consolation, we had every inch of that stadium covered. 596 00:41:27,750 --> 00:41:32,083 We had snipers. Who-o-o cares? 597 00:41:33,500 --> 00:41:36,542 Would you do me a favor? 598 00:41:36,542 --> 00:41:42,625 Find... my... cash. 599 00:41:42,625 --> 00:41:44,792 I gotta get outta here. 600 00:41:52,708 --> 00:41:54,875 Aah! 601 00:41:59,583 --> 00:42:03,959 Mr. Fillmore, I, uh, 602 00:42:03,959 --> 00:42:06,083 I was wondering if I could have a few words with you. 603 00:42:06,083 --> 00:42:09,917 Sure, of course. How can I-- how can I help you? 604 00:42:09,917 --> 00:42:14,625 I wonder, Mr. Fillmore-- Mr. Fillmore-- 605 00:42:14,625 --> 00:42:18,166 Mr. Fillmore, I wonder if you would, uh, 606 00:42:18,166 --> 00:42:20,458 give me a description of the kidnappers? 607 00:42:20,458 --> 00:42:25,625 The kidnappers. Well, I-I never actually saw the kidnappers that well... 608 00:42:25,625 --> 00:42:29,291 because I was, uh, I was kept blindfolded. 609 00:42:29,291 --> 00:42:31,166 - Blindfolded. - Uh-huh. 610 00:42:31,166 --> 00:42:34,125 But you were not blindfolded on the video. 611 00:42:34,125 --> 00:42:36,125 No. No, I wasn't. 612 00:42:36,125 --> 00:42:38,708 Uh, no, I wasn't blindfolded on the video, you see, 613 00:42:38,708 --> 00:42:42,792 but I didn't see the kidnappers then either because, uh, uh, uh, 614 00:42:42,792 --> 00:42:47,208 they hired a TV crew to shoot the video. 615 00:42:47,208 --> 00:42:51,000 Yeah, yeah, we did it in a vid-- in a studio with a crew. 616 00:42:51,000 --> 00:42:53,083 [ laughs ] 617 00:42:58,208 --> 00:43:01,125 You got any Nuprin? 618 00:43:01,125 --> 00:43:04,834 No. Why? What happened in there? 619 00:43:04,834 --> 00:43:08,291 The bozo's covering for the kidnappers. 620 00:43:08,291 --> 00:43:10,500 I really gotta get out of here. 621 00:43:13,834 --> 00:43:16,291 [ screaming ] 622 00:43:16,291 --> 00:43:18,708 Where do you think you're going? Rusty! 623 00:43:18,708 --> 00:43:20,875 Yeah, Rusty. Where you been? 624 00:43:20,875 --> 00:43:23,125 Rusty, the drop-off did not go as planned. 625 00:43:23,125 --> 00:43:25,166 Yeah, I concur, because the plan never mentioned... 626 00:43:25,166 --> 00:43:28,583 my best friend two-timing me. I didn't two-time you. 627 00:43:28,583 --> 00:43:31,333 Come on, man. "I'll do the drop all by myself, 628 00:43:31,333 --> 00:43:33,792 that way Rusty won't get in trouble." 629 00:43:33,792 --> 00:43:37,375 Where's the bag of money? Why ain't you at the airport? 630 00:43:37,375 --> 00:43:41,333 - What are you doing in a hospital, hmm? - A street gang took the money. 631 00:43:41,333 --> 00:43:44,041 Bullshit. You're ripping me off. 632 00:43:44,041 --> 00:43:48,083 I swear to God. It was these big muscle men in the park. 633 00:43:48,083 --> 00:43:51,458 They-- they beat me up, and they took the five million bucks. 634 00:43:51,458 --> 00:43:56,458 They had guns and tattoos and-- and they had those two sticks on a chain... 635 00:43:56,458 --> 00:43:58,708 that you swing and you hurt people with. 636 00:43:58,708 --> 00:44:00,834 You expect me to believe that you were mugged? 637 00:44:00,834 --> 00:44:03,375 Mugged? It was more like a rape. 638 00:44:05,834 --> 00:44:08,959 Well, not a real rape. 639 00:44:08,959 --> 00:44:12,125 Look, grand inquisitor, if you had ripped me off, 640 00:44:12,125 --> 00:44:15,667 would you barricade yourself in a hospital room with 20 cops outside? 641 00:44:16,708 --> 00:44:18,792 You make an interesting point. 642 00:44:18,792 --> 00:44:21,708 It's not imaginable that things could be more botched. 643 00:44:21,708 --> 00:44:25,542 Oh, yeah? What about Grover? 644 00:44:25,542 --> 00:44:30,250 Oh, no. That fruitcake's gonna be dumping my fake body. 645 00:44:30,250 --> 00:44:32,125 [ phone rings ] 646 00:44:32,125 --> 00:44:35,000 Hello. County morgue. Rita speaking. Can I help you? 647 00:44:35,000 --> 00:44:37,708 [ Willard disguising voice ] I'd like to speak to a Grover Cleaver. 648 00:44:37,708 --> 00:44:40,333 I'm sorry. Mr. Cleaver no longer works here. 649 00:44:40,333 --> 00:44:42,542 Bitch, what are you talking about? 650 00:44:44,500 --> 00:44:47,625 Mr. Cleaver quit yesterday. 651 00:44:47,625 --> 00:44:50,708 He said he was joining the super rich. 652 00:44:50,708 --> 00:44:52,083 Aah! 653 00:44:53,250 --> 00:44:55,250 Grover retired from the morgue. 654 00:44:55,250 --> 00:44:57,750 Too wealthy to hold a job. 655 00:44:57,750 --> 00:45:00,750 Man, we are no good at this. We gotta stop this guy. 656 00:45:00,750 --> 00:45:02,750 How? We don't know where to find him. 657 00:45:02,750 --> 00:45:04,959 Call Hillary. Hillary doesn't know him. 658 00:45:04,959 --> 00:45:07,250 She knew his name because he was in the army with that fat dude... 659 00:45:07,250 --> 00:45:09,250 who used to live across the street from her. 660 00:45:09,250 --> 00:45:12,792 Blah, blah, blah, blah. You're so defeatist. 661 00:45:12,792 --> 00:45:15,542 Fine. I'll track him down myself. 662 00:45:15,542 --> 00:45:18,500 If you did it, you'd probably muck it up anyway. 663 00:45:18,500 --> 00:45:22,667 The guy can't do anything right. Oh! 664 00:45:24,417 --> 00:45:27,583 Oh, d-detective. 665 00:45:27,583 --> 00:45:31,041 Mr. Hayes, what are you doing here? 666 00:45:31,041 --> 00:45:34,000 Huh? Well, I was, um, 667 00:45:34,000 --> 00:45:36,542 I'm visiting-- I'm visiting my Aunt Mabel. 668 00:45:36,542 --> 00:45:39,500 She's real-- she's real sick. 669 00:45:39,500 --> 00:45:43,250 She got polio and emphysema. All that shit together. 670 00:45:43,250 --> 00:45:45,208 It's-- it's gonna kill her. I swear. 671 00:45:45,208 --> 00:45:49,083 She, uh, she's staying in this room right here. I'm gonna go say hi. 672 00:45:55,333 --> 00:45:57,792 Aunt Mabel, come give me some sugar, girl. 673 00:45:57,792 --> 00:46:00,333 [ screams, yelling in Chinese ] 674 00:46:00,333 --> 00:46:03,875 I told you don't listen to them doctors. No! 675 00:46:03,875 --> 00:46:06,959 Hey, Aunt Mabel! [ yelling in Chinese ] 676 00:46:06,959 --> 00:46:09,000 Okay, you're convulsing. You gotta relax. 677 00:46:09,000 --> 00:46:11,500 [ yelling in Chinese ] All right, Aunt Mabel! 678 00:46:11,500 --> 00:46:14,041 I'm gonna let you get some rest! Get some rest, Aunt Mabel! 679 00:46:14,041 --> 00:46:16,542 All right, give Uncle Gordon my love. 680 00:46:16,542 --> 00:46:19,375 [ yells in Chinese ] 681 00:46:23,583 --> 00:46:25,291 Oh. 682 00:46:25,291 --> 00:46:29,792 That medicine got Aunt Mabel real irritable, man. She's crazy. 683 00:46:29,792 --> 00:46:32,333 She's normally a real sweetheart. 684 00:46:32,333 --> 00:46:34,166 Detective! 685 00:46:34,166 --> 00:46:36,750 Detective, you're not gonna believe what's happened. 686 00:46:40,500 --> 00:46:42,875 We've just discovered a dead body. 687 00:46:42,875 --> 00:46:45,041 [ softly ] Oh, shit. 688 00:46:50,667 --> 00:46:53,542 They found the body! They found the body! 689 00:46:53,542 --> 00:46:57,083 Oh, my Lord. That dumb-ass Grover. 690 00:46:57,083 --> 00:46:59,250 He's the only one of us who follows directions. 691 00:46:59,250 --> 00:47:03,375 We're going to jail. We're going to jail. We're gonna be somebody's bitch. 692 00:47:03,375 --> 00:47:06,875 Maybe if we confess-- maybe if we confess, they'll go easy on us. 693 00:47:06,875 --> 00:47:10,208 Yeah. Yeah, maybe we'll just get community service. 694 00:47:10,208 --> 00:47:13,291 Or maybe they'll take us to one of those country club prisons. 695 00:47:13,291 --> 00:47:15,583 We'll talk stocks with bankers. 696 00:47:15,583 --> 00:47:19,458 - We could really make some connections. - You're insane. 697 00:47:19,458 --> 00:47:21,583 We're gonna be somebody's bitch. 698 00:47:21,583 --> 00:47:24,708 [ doorknob jiggling ] 699 00:47:27,291 --> 00:47:29,500 Willard. 700 00:47:29,500 --> 00:47:32,208 I have some shocking news. 701 00:47:32,208 --> 00:47:34,917 They found your kidnapper. Oh! 702 00:47:34,917 --> 00:47:39,041 [ coughs ] You sure it was the kidnapper? 703 00:47:39,041 --> 00:47:41,000 Of course I'm sure. 704 00:47:41,000 --> 00:47:45,417 They found his dead body on the front steps of the Quaker Wax Museum. 705 00:47:45,417 --> 00:47:48,125 He was wearing all your clothes... 706 00:47:48,125 --> 00:47:51,458 and those divine cuff links I gave you. 707 00:47:51,458 --> 00:47:55,375 Any idea why the kidnapper would be wearing your clothes? 708 00:47:55,375 --> 00:47:57,792 Huh? Um, no. 709 00:47:59,708 --> 00:48:03,041 Any idea why the kidnapper would be dead? 710 00:48:03,041 --> 00:48:06,750 W-well, that kidnapping den was a real hothouse of emotion you know. 711 00:48:06,750 --> 00:48:09,291 Anything could have happened. 712 00:48:09,291 --> 00:48:13,792 Well, let's just hope that body isn't so ripped up that you can't identify it. 713 00:48:19,500 --> 00:48:22,500 Yep, that's the guy. No question. That's the kidnapper. 714 00:48:22,500 --> 00:48:24,792 - That's the guy? - Uh-huh. [ screams ] 715 00:48:26,458 --> 00:48:29,834 That's the guy who beat you up and held you prisoner? 716 00:48:29,834 --> 00:48:32,625 Uh, yeah, well, he was a lot more ferocious... 717 00:48:32,625 --> 00:48:35,417 back when he was, uh, alive. 718 00:48:35,417 --> 00:48:38,583 Ferocious? He's an old midget. 719 00:48:38,583 --> 00:48:42,166 Yeah, but he had a real low voice. You know, very intimidating. 720 00:48:42,166 --> 00:48:44,875 Uh, uh, "Put your hands behind your head. 721 00:48:44,875 --> 00:48:46,834 Get in the corner." That's him. 722 00:48:46,834 --> 00:48:51,125 That's him. I'd recognize that voice anywhere. 723 00:48:56,208 --> 00:48:59,166 Okay. Okay. 724 00:48:59,166 --> 00:49:03,583 Well, in some weird, screwy way that I will never understand, 725 00:49:03,583 --> 00:49:05,625 that is the kidnapper. 726 00:49:05,625 --> 00:49:07,583 I'm telling you, this whole thing stinks. 727 00:49:07,583 --> 00:49:09,708 That Fillmore and that Hayes, they're connected. 728 00:49:09,708 --> 00:49:11,583 Yeah, well, that midget was no tough guy. 729 00:49:11,583 --> 00:49:15,000 No shit, Sherlock. They are definitely hiding something or someone. 730 00:49:15,000 --> 00:49:18,792 Detective? Our 1-800 line produced an eyewitness. 731 00:49:18,792 --> 00:49:22,583 Meet Edgar Kettle. He saw the drop. 732 00:49:22,583 --> 00:49:27,000 Yeah, I saw the whole thing. The whole thing. 733 00:49:27,000 --> 00:49:29,750 Last night, I was in my check-cashing store. 734 00:49:29,750 --> 00:49:35,125 I look out, and I see a man toss a body onto the steps. 735 00:49:35,125 --> 00:49:38,375 - What kind of man? - Oh, he was ugly. 736 00:49:38,375 --> 00:49:40,333 Real ugly. 737 00:49:40,333 --> 00:49:42,708 Get me the sketch artist in here right now. 738 00:49:42,708 --> 00:49:45,041 This case is about to break. 739 00:49:45,875 --> 00:49:48,667 ♪ [ humming ] 740 00:49:55,875 --> 00:49:58,542 That looks just like me. 741 00:49:58,542 --> 00:50:02,500 "Wanted. Crock kidnapping." 742 00:50:14,417 --> 00:50:16,625 Make this go away. 743 00:50:16,625 --> 00:50:20,875 Make this go away. Make this go away! 744 00:50:20,875 --> 00:50:22,917 [ exhales ] 745 00:50:24,500 --> 00:50:27,083 Oh! [ groaning ] 746 00:50:33,375 --> 00:50:36,291 [ gasps ] 747 00:50:36,291 --> 00:50:38,917 [ groaning ] 748 00:50:42,750 --> 00:50:45,125 [ screams ] 749 00:50:47,000 --> 00:50:50,125 I'm screwed! I'm screwed! I'm screwed! 750 00:50:51,625 --> 00:50:55,375 [ Miss Crock ] Willard, take away my salad plate. 751 00:50:55,375 --> 00:50:59,625 I'm ready for the second course! Yeah. 752 00:50:59,625 --> 00:51:02,917 "Stick with Miss Crock. You'll get ahead." 753 00:51:03,834 --> 00:51:06,417 [ doorbell rings ] 754 00:51:13,708 --> 00:51:16,667 Apologize to the man! Apologize for what you did! 755 00:51:16,667 --> 00:51:18,959 I'm sorry for misbehaving in the park. 756 00:51:18,959 --> 00:51:21,291 You better be! This is the man you wronged, Tito? 757 00:51:21,291 --> 00:51:24,291 Now, give him back what you took from him. Here it is, mister. 758 00:51:24,291 --> 00:51:28,792 - I didn't even open it. - That's 'cause you couldn't, liar! It was locked! 759 00:51:28,792 --> 00:51:32,166 Soon as I noticed the address on the luggage tag, we drove it straight over her. 760 00:51:32,166 --> 00:51:34,792 Oh. Uh, thanks. 761 00:51:34,792 --> 00:51:37,667 Come on! Your hide has an appointment with my hand! 762 00:51:49,834 --> 00:51:52,667 Whoo! Yeah! Let's party! [ horn honking ] 763 00:51:54,291 --> 00:51:56,291 "Willard, clear my salad plate!" 764 00:51:56,291 --> 00:51:58,208 Yeah, well, lick me, you old bag! 765 00:51:58,208 --> 00:52:00,667 Your busboy's gone to Bermuda! 766 00:52:00,667 --> 00:52:03,125 We're going to Bali, so I can date her. 767 00:52:03,125 --> 00:52:06,291 - Yeah! - Get some Bali booty. 768 00:52:06,291 --> 00:52:08,834 ♪ I'm gonna get some Bali booty ♪ 769 00:52:11,375 --> 00:52:13,542 Hurry up! Hurry up! 770 00:52:15,750 --> 00:52:18,291 Come on! Come on! 771 00:52:18,291 --> 00:52:22,125 Hey! You can't park there! That's a tow-away zone! 772 00:52:22,125 --> 00:52:26,000 We ain't never comin' back. Go park it up your ass. 773 00:52:36,375 --> 00:52:38,500 Whoo-hoo! 774 00:52:40,000 --> 00:52:44,208 Excuse me. We'd like two tickets to Bali. 775 00:52:44,208 --> 00:52:47,208 First class. 776 00:52:47,208 --> 00:52:51,041 - And how will you be paying for that? - Oh, that's a good question. 777 00:52:51,041 --> 00:52:53,250 That hadn't really occurred to us, really. Well, I don't know. 778 00:52:53,250 --> 00:52:56,125 How about this? Cash! Cash! 779 00:53:00,000 --> 00:53:02,750 Uh-oh. Oh. 780 00:53:02,750 --> 00:53:06,625 - Don't worry, we got money. - Back off there, lady. 781 00:53:07,792 --> 00:53:10,166 [ both gasping ] 782 00:53:10,166 --> 00:53:12,083 There's no money! Oh! 783 00:53:12,083 --> 00:53:15,583 There's no money. Miss Crock double-crossed us! The old crow never paid! 784 00:53:15,583 --> 00:53:17,583 She didn't care if I lived or died! 785 00:53:17,583 --> 00:53:19,834 She just ransomed me with cabbage! 786 00:53:19,834 --> 00:53:21,834 [ woman over P.A. ] The white zone is for... 787 00:53:21,834 --> 00:53:23,917 the immediate loading and unloading of passengers. 788 00:53:28,000 --> 00:53:30,083 I told you not to park there. 789 00:53:34,667 --> 00:53:38,208 She double-crossed us. We'll triple-cross her. 790 00:53:38,208 --> 00:53:40,291 But this time, we'll kidnap Miss Crock... 791 00:53:40,291 --> 00:53:42,917 like I said we do in the first place. 792 00:53:42,917 --> 00:53:44,959 Nah, man, it's over. 793 00:53:56,792 --> 00:54:01,583 Hey, listen, sorry I had to leave so, you know, quickly the other day. 794 00:54:01,583 --> 00:54:03,875 That's all right, speedy. 795 00:54:03,875 --> 00:54:06,708 I know you had a crime wave to get to. 796 00:54:06,708 --> 00:54:12,125 So what do you need tonight, dynamite? Nitro? A getaway driver, maybe? 797 00:54:12,125 --> 00:54:15,834 No, no, no. None of that. Our gang's gone straight. 798 00:54:15,834 --> 00:54:20,458 All I need now is a-- a new life. 799 00:54:22,834 --> 00:54:24,834 [ knock at door ] 800 00:54:24,834 --> 00:54:27,291 Willard, answer the door. 801 00:54:27,291 --> 00:54:28,959 [ knocking continues ] Willard! 802 00:54:28,959 --> 00:54:31,500 Oh, God. 803 00:54:31,500 --> 00:54:34,291 Honest to God, he kills me. 804 00:54:34,291 --> 00:54:36,500 His father never would have goofed off like this. 805 00:54:36,500 --> 00:54:39,458 He's never around when-- I'm coming! [ knocking ] 806 00:54:42,708 --> 00:54:46,166 - Who the hell are you? - Who the hell are you? 807 00:54:46,166 --> 00:54:48,917 This is who the hell I am! Huh? 808 00:54:48,917 --> 00:54:51,458 I'm wanted by every cop in Pittsburgh! 809 00:54:51,458 --> 00:54:55,000 I don't even know what I did wrong! Oh, my God. 810 00:54:55,000 --> 00:54:58,959 You're the son of a bitch who's got my money! 811 00:54:58,959 --> 00:55:01,458 What money? I never got no hundred grand. 812 00:55:01,458 --> 00:55:03,875 A hundred grand, my ass! 813 00:55:03,875 --> 00:55:07,041 - It was five million big ones! - What are you, batty? 814 00:55:07,041 --> 00:55:10,125 The deal was for a hundred thou. What deal? 815 00:55:10,125 --> 00:55:12,834 You ripped me off! Oh, yeah? 816 00:55:15,041 --> 00:55:16,750 [ Grover chuckles ] 817 00:55:16,750 --> 00:55:19,417 Good shot, huh? 818 00:55:19,417 --> 00:55:21,834 Would you get the hell out of my house? 819 00:55:21,834 --> 00:55:23,917 No! Where's Willard? 820 00:55:23,917 --> 00:55:26,333 No, no, no. Wh-where's Willard? Where is he? 821 00:55:26,333 --> 00:55:29,208 You want Willard? I'll get him. Please-- Don't-don't do that to me! 822 00:55:29,208 --> 00:55:32,166 You think I'm stupid? You think I'm stupid? I'll get him! I'll get him! 823 00:55:32,166 --> 00:55:35,208 You sons of bitches ain't ripping me off no more! Holy shit! 824 00:55:35,208 --> 00:55:38,875 - Go on! - Oh, my God! Help me! 825 00:55:38,875 --> 00:55:40,750 [ muttering ] 826 00:55:40,750 --> 00:55:44,041 - Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph! - Come here, sweetie pie! [ moaning ] 827 00:55:44,041 --> 00:55:46,667 - Oh, God! - I got ya! 828 00:55:46,667 --> 00:55:50,959 [ groaning ] I got ya. Watch your head. 829 00:55:53,625 --> 00:55:56,417 - [ barking ] - Come on! [ groans ] 830 00:55:57,625 --> 00:56:00,792 Muffin! Muffin, attack! 831 00:56:00,792 --> 00:56:02,959 Muffin! 832 00:56:04,083 --> 00:56:06,083 [ chuckles ] Nice doggie. 833 00:56:07,750 --> 00:56:10,375 [ Miss Crock ] Please, attack! 834 00:56:11,750 --> 00:56:14,750 - [ chuckles ] Come on, lady! - [ Miss Crock groaning ] 835 00:56:18,041 --> 00:56:20,125 Miss Crock, I got news for you! 836 00:56:20,125 --> 00:56:22,083 I'm quitting! 837 00:56:23,917 --> 00:56:25,917 Miss Crock, where are you? 838 00:56:25,917 --> 00:56:29,458 Hey, Miss Crock! I got some news for you, whore! 839 00:56:29,458 --> 00:56:32,542 I'm packing up and moving out of this dump! 840 00:56:32,542 --> 00:56:34,458 That's right, you heard me! 841 00:56:34,458 --> 00:56:36,625 Good-bye, pie hag! 842 00:56:40,166 --> 00:56:42,417 Where's she at? 843 00:56:52,417 --> 00:56:54,542 Oh, my God. 844 00:56:54,542 --> 00:56:56,834 Grover stole my idea. 845 00:56:56,834 --> 00:56:59,959 [ Chip ] Virginia! Where are you? We're late. 846 00:56:59,959 --> 00:57:02,834 Virginia, the party starts at 9:00. Are you ready? 847 00:57:04,500 --> 00:57:06,500 Hey. 848 00:57:06,500 --> 00:57:10,041 - What's going on here? - W-w-w-we were just turning down the sheets. 849 00:57:10,041 --> 00:57:12,208 - Where's Miss Crock? - Huh? 850 00:57:12,208 --> 00:57:16,041 Who are you? What's that note in your hand? 851 00:57:17,250 --> 00:57:19,041 [ screams ] 852 00:57:21,625 --> 00:57:23,917 What'd you do that for? 853 00:57:23,917 --> 00:57:26,250 I was scared. 854 00:57:26,250 --> 00:57:30,500 - What do we do now? - Run! 855 00:57:30,500 --> 00:57:35,000 This is so bad! Oh! Jesus forgive me! 856 00:57:43,000 --> 00:57:45,041 Help. Police. 857 00:57:45,041 --> 00:57:47,542 That stupid Grover! 858 00:57:47,542 --> 00:57:49,792 What kind of kidnapper uses his own stationery? 859 00:57:49,792 --> 00:57:51,875 You know they're gonna catch him. 860 00:57:51,875 --> 00:57:55,083 And when they do, he's gonna blab all about us! 861 00:57:55,083 --> 00:57:57,750 [ siren wailing ] 862 00:57:59,417 --> 00:58:02,834 Oh, my God! They're hunting us down! 863 00:58:06,708 --> 00:58:09,458 [ man over loudspeaker ] Stop! This is the police! 864 00:58:09,458 --> 00:58:13,625 - No shit! - Let's jump that fence! 865 00:58:13,625 --> 00:58:17,542 I'm gettin' a charley horse! I gotta start workin' out! 866 00:58:23,583 --> 00:58:25,917 Freeze! You're under arrest! 867 00:58:27,625 --> 00:58:30,959 Details are sketchy, but in a twist stranger than bizarre, 868 00:58:30,959 --> 00:58:33,917 Miss Virginia Crock herself has been kidnapped. 869 00:58:33,917 --> 00:58:36,000 [ TV continues, indistinct ] Oh, my God. 870 00:58:36,000 --> 00:58:39,208 - [ doorbell buzzes ] - Snowball, baby, let me in! 871 00:58:39,208 --> 00:58:41,375 [ pounding on door ] Open up! 872 00:58:43,583 --> 00:58:46,875 Have you heard the news? Yes, I know. It's terrible. 873 00:58:46,875 --> 00:58:49,583 [ both sobbing ] 874 00:58:49,583 --> 00:58:51,917 Roger, what are we gonna do? I don't know. 875 00:58:51,917 --> 00:58:54,834 But this is not our fault. You said it wouldn't hurt anyone! 876 00:58:54,834 --> 00:58:58,250 You said if we switched the ransom money with cabbage, nothing would happen. 877 00:58:58,250 --> 00:59:02,083 The kidnappers would be stuck! All I meant was they couldn't complain to the police. 878 00:59:02,083 --> 00:59:04,834 Yeah! Now we've pissed them off! 879 00:59:04,834 --> 00:59:07,834 You deserve that money. She's been a figurehead for years. 880 00:59:07,834 --> 00:59:11,291 Oh, stop it! You're the only one that's been holding that bakery together. 881 00:59:11,291 --> 00:59:13,250 I had to. She's out of her mind. 882 00:59:13,250 --> 00:59:19,083 Exactly. So, why don't we just let the kidnappers keep her? 883 00:59:21,458 --> 00:59:24,375 [ Rusty ] Get me out of here! [ door opening ] 884 00:59:24,375 --> 00:59:27,667 I was framed! I got a medical condition! 885 00:59:27,667 --> 00:59:29,708 All right, Fillmore. Time to talk. 886 00:59:29,708 --> 00:59:31,917 [ Rusty ] My dick hurts! 887 00:59:36,125 --> 00:59:40,792 I want the truth. Now, what's your connection to Rusty P. Hayes? 888 00:59:40,792 --> 00:59:43,875 I've known Rusty my whole life. Our mothers were in church choir together. 889 00:59:43,875 --> 00:59:47,291 I don't even know this chauffeur guy, all right? 890 00:59:47,291 --> 00:59:50,333 The first time I seen him was in my restaurant two weeks ago. 891 00:59:50,333 --> 00:59:53,291 Last night, like every week, I called up Rusty... 892 00:59:53,291 --> 00:59:55,667 and I told him to come over and watch Monday Night Football. 893 00:59:55,667 --> 00:59:57,792 Last night was Thursday. 894 00:59:57,792 --> 01:00:02,583 Oh. Yeah. I'm sorry. It wasn't Monday Night Football. It was Oprah. 895 01:00:02,583 --> 01:00:05,542 Last night, I get this call to make a delivery... 896 01:00:05,542 --> 01:00:07,667 to this Wilbur guy. 897 01:00:07,667 --> 01:00:10,417 - So-- - You mean Willard. 898 01:00:10,417 --> 01:00:12,875 Yeah, right, right. Willard. 899 01:00:12,875 --> 01:00:17,917 So anyway, I drive up to this mansion in my chicken delivery truck. 900 01:00:17,917 --> 01:00:22,291 You know your truck was impounded at the airport earlier that day? 901 01:00:22,291 --> 01:00:24,250 It was? 902 01:00:24,250 --> 01:00:27,917 Oh, yeah, right, right. No, I was on foot. 903 01:00:27,917 --> 01:00:31,542 [ Willard ] Anyways, the doorbell rings, and it's the kidnappers! 904 01:00:31,542 --> 01:00:35,041 So, so, uh, they started chasing us. 905 01:00:35,041 --> 01:00:37,542 And then Miss Crock, I remember she showed up. 906 01:00:37,542 --> 01:00:41,500 She ran in, and she'd just been-- just been taking a bath, so she was nude. 907 01:00:41,500 --> 01:00:44,041 Of course, naturally, this upset everybody. 908 01:00:44,041 --> 01:00:46,500 Gunshots started goin' off, man. 909 01:00:46,500 --> 01:00:49,125 The windows was explodin'. I heard screamin'. 910 01:00:49,125 --> 01:00:51,834 So I run to my truck as fast as I can. 911 01:00:51,834 --> 01:00:56,083 I mean, I run away... because I was scared. 912 01:00:56,083 --> 01:01:01,333 Chip Oswald says you hit him over the head with a desk lamp. 913 01:01:01,333 --> 01:01:03,291 Huh? 914 01:01:03,291 --> 01:01:05,583 No, no, he's mistaken. 915 01:01:05,583 --> 01:01:07,542 He's mistaken. That-that was not me. 916 01:01:07,542 --> 01:01:11,667 So Rusty's got this desk lamp, and he's beating the hell out of Chip. 917 01:01:11,667 --> 01:01:14,500 And, uh, he's pounding him and pounding him. 918 01:01:14,500 --> 01:01:17,083 So I say, I say, 919 01:01:17,083 --> 01:01:21,125 "Rusty, that's not the kidnappers. That's Chip!" 920 01:01:21,125 --> 01:01:24,542 That's when the cops showed up and they distracted everybody, 921 01:01:24,542 --> 01:01:27,583 and, uh, the kidnappers got away. 922 01:01:27,583 --> 01:01:30,083 One final question. 923 01:01:31,083 --> 01:01:34,542 Let's forget all this other crap. 924 01:01:34,542 --> 01:01:37,250 Where is Miss Crock? 925 01:01:37,250 --> 01:01:41,917 - I don't know. - Who is Miss Crock? 926 01:01:44,708 --> 01:01:46,750 [ Grover ] Come on. Open your mouth. 927 01:01:46,750 --> 01:01:48,708 Come on. You want some food, Blackie? 928 01:01:48,708 --> 01:01:50,708 Come on. Eat some dinner. Yum, yum, yum. 929 01:01:50,708 --> 01:01:53,125 Come on. Eat it, Blackie. It's good. Look. 930 01:01:54,583 --> 01:01:58,500 Come on, Blackie. His name is Muffin. It is not Blackie. 931 01:01:58,500 --> 01:02:00,959 Hey, shut up! 932 01:02:00,959 --> 01:02:03,208 The dog's name is whatever I say it is... 933 01:02:03,208 --> 01:02:05,458 until somebody takes you off my hands. 934 01:02:05,458 --> 01:02:08,625 The sooner the better, poopy. The sooner the better! 935 01:02:08,625 --> 01:02:11,000 Yeah, go on. Yeah, go on. 936 01:02:11,000 --> 01:02:13,417 [ babbling nonsense ] Help! 937 01:02:13,417 --> 01:02:16,625 ♪ [ "Hawaii Five-0" ] 938 01:02:16,625 --> 01:02:19,500 That's my favorite TV program. We're gonna watch it, Blackie. 939 01:02:19,500 --> 01:02:22,000 This is it. Ooh, look at that. Look at that. 940 01:02:22,000 --> 01:02:24,667 See that? Hmm? Hawaii Five-0. 941 01:02:24,667 --> 01:02:29,000 What do we got, Danno? Klaus Marburg. West German passport. 942 01:02:29,000 --> 01:02:31,125 How bad? How bad? 943 01:02:31,125 --> 01:02:33,125 Pretty bad. Went right through him. Any witnesses? 944 01:02:33,125 --> 01:02:35,667 [ McGarrett ] Any witnesses? Yeah, lots of them. 945 01:02:35,667 --> 01:02:38,500 - Only one shot? - Only one shot? - Just one. 946 01:02:40,333 --> 01:02:42,834 He was hit just after he stepped off the ramp. 947 01:02:42,834 --> 01:02:46,834 [ Chin Ho ] Steve, take a look. Finished. 948 01:02:46,834 --> 01:02:50,458 What is your obsession with that guy? 949 01:02:50,458 --> 01:02:53,083 Hey! It's Jack Lord! 950 01:02:53,083 --> 01:02:56,250 I'm the vice president of his national fan club. 951 01:02:56,250 --> 01:02:58,125 Clam up, will ya? 952 01:03:03,250 --> 01:03:05,792 Hey, what are you, crazy? 953 01:03:07,500 --> 01:03:09,667 The show's not over yet. 954 01:03:09,667 --> 01:03:13,291 Give me that. [ groaning ] 955 01:03:13,291 --> 01:03:15,208 [ Muffin barking ] 956 01:03:15,208 --> 01:03:18,041 - Excuse me. May I have your attention, please? - Oh, my God. 957 01:03:18,041 --> 01:03:20,708 I am pleased to announce that Miss Crock's bakery... 958 01:03:20,708 --> 01:03:23,166 is now merging with Copenhagen Snak Food. 959 01:03:23,166 --> 01:03:26,375 What the hell are you talking about? Additionally, 960 01:03:26,375 --> 01:03:30,208 in accordance with Miss Crock's established policy regarding kidnapping, 961 01:03:30,208 --> 01:03:33,291 we will not pay the ransom. 962 01:03:33,291 --> 01:03:37,250 I know Miss Crock will be proud of us standing behind her like this. 963 01:03:37,250 --> 01:03:40,667 Hey, wait a minute. I'm gonna get screwed on this deal. 964 01:03:42,583 --> 01:03:45,500 That's two dozen anthuriums. 965 01:03:51,250 --> 01:03:54,708 - [ chuckles ] - What? 966 01:03:54,708 --> 01:03:58,291 What did I do? Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph. 967 01:03:58,291 --> 01:04:02,291 [ sobbing ] I swear I'm innocent! No! No, please! Don't! 968 01:04:02,291 --> 01:04:06,417 Who's the crybaby? We just busted the guy. 969 01:04:06,417 --> 01:04:09,458 He was trying to pass the marked bills from the Fillmore kidnapping. 970 01:04:09,458 --> 01:04:11,750 [ sobbing continues ] Well, what do you know? 971 01:04:11,750 --> 01:04:14,750 The brains behind the operation. 972 01:04:14,750 --> 01:04:16,834 Hey, get me Fillmore and Hayes! 973 01:04:16,834 --> 01:04:19,708 Whatever you do, don't tell them about Grover. Why not? 974 01:04:19,708 --> 01:04:22,917 Because things are bad enough without us getting blamed for killing that old midget... 975 01:04:22,917 --> 01:04:25,875 at the wax museum. 976 01:04:25,875 --> 01:04:28,458 Maybe we should just tell them the truth. Yeah, right. 977 01:04:28,458 --> 01:04:31,708 Like they're gonna believe this all started 'cause we kidnapped Muffin's turd. 978 01:04:31,708 --> 01:04:35,917 There you are. Get in here! Sit down! 979 01:04:39,000 --> 01:04:42,834 All right, the days of dicking Dewey are over. 980 01:04:42,834 --> 01:04:47,959 We found the kidnapper. Your partner extraordinaire is in our custody. 981 01:04:47,959 --> 01:04:50,500 So tell me all about Roger. 982 01:04:51,875 --> 01:04:53,917 [ together ] Who? 983 01:04:53,917 --> 01:04:55,792 Oh, no. 984 01:04:55,792 --> 01:04:58,083 You can't play those games anymore. 985 01:04:58,083 --> 01:05:01,917 We nailed him with marked bills. All that five million was traceable. 986 01:05:01,917 --> 01:05:04,125 What five million? Miss Crock never paid. 987 01:05:06,417 --> 01:05:09,291 What do you mean, she never paid? 988 01:05:09,291 --> 01:05:13,625 Uh-- uh-- I-I-I don't know. 989 01:05:13,625 --> 01:05:16,291 You just said Miss Crock never paid. 990 01:05:16,291 --> 01:05:18,166 What do you mean, she never paid? What do you mean? 991 01:05:18,166 --> 01:05:20,291 - I didn't say that. - You did say that. I just heard you say that. 992 01:05:20,291 --> 01:05:23,000 You said that. You said Miss Crock never paid. I didn't! 993 01:05:23,000 --> 01:05:27,667 - I wanna know what you meant by that. - [ stammering ] I don't know. 994 01:05:27,667 --> 01:05:30,166 What did you mean by that? What did you mean, Miss Crock never paid? 995 01:05:30,166 --> 01:05:32,333 What did you mean by that? What did you mean by that? What did he mean by that? 996 01:05:34,375 --> 01:05:36,500 [ gasps ] 997 01:05:37,667 --> 01:05:41,166 What the hell are you doing? That man's a cop! 998 01:05:41,166 --> 01:05:43,125 I was scared. 999 01:05:43,125 --> 01:05:47,000 Every time you're scared, you hit a guy with a desk lamp! 1000 01:05:49,000 --> 01:05:51,542 I'm gettin' out of here. 1001 01:05:55,750 --> 01:05:57,792 [ sobbing ] 1002 01:05:57,792 --> 01:06:01,083 Who gave you the marked money? I don't know! 1003 01:06:01,083 --> 01:06:03,917 It was change in a restaurant. 1004 01:06:03,917 --> 01:06:08,917 If you don't tell us, you're spending three years in hard labor. 1005 01:06:08,917 --> 01:06:10,834 It was Chip Oswald. 1006 01:06:10,834 --> 01:06:13,500 Hey! 1007 01:06:17,333 --> 01:06:19,500 Come on! 1008 01:06:28,208 --> 01:06:31,500 Willard, this is a cop car. Should we really be taking a cop car? 1009 01:06:32,542 --> 01:06:34,542 I'm gonna kill you! 1010 01:06:34,542 --> 01:06:38,375 [ engine revs ] Put your ass to the gas! Go! Go, go, go, go, go! 1011 01:06:41,542 --> 01:06:44,583 Where are we goin'? I don't know! 1012 01:06:50,083 --> 01:06:52,667 [ siren wailing ] Oh, shit. We're not making things any better. 1013 01:06:52,667 --> 01:06:55,458 We gotta find Miss Crock and Grover and clear this whole thing up. 1014 01:06:55,458 --> 01:06:58,083 How are we gonna do that, man? We don't know nothin' about the guy. 1015 01:06:58,083 --> 01:07:01,667 We don't know where he lives, how to reach him. He's a complete mystery. 1016 01:07:01,667 --> 01:07:04,417 Hold on. I got an idea. 1017 01:07:04,417 --> 01:07:06,750 [ line ringing ] 1018 01:07:06,750 --> 01:07:08,708 [ woman ] Directory assistance. What city, please? 1019 01:07:08,708 --> 01:07:11,583 Pittsburgh. Grover Cleaver. 1020 01:07:11,583 --> 01:07:14,000 Is that a business or residence? Uh, residence. 1021 01:07:14,000 --> 01:07:15,917 Is that Kleaver with a "K"? 1022 01:07:15,917 --> 01:07:20,083 No, with a "C," like cupcake. [ gunfire ] 1023 01:07:20,083 --> 01:07:22,458 [ woman ] Thank you. Press 1 to be connected. 1024 01:07:22,458 --> 01:07:25,417 [ beeps ] Got it. 1025 01:07:25,417 --> 01:07:27,708 ♪ [ "Hawaii Five-0" over telephone ] 1026 01:07:27,708 --> 01:07:31,875 [ Grover on answering machine] Aloha. You've reached the Jack Lord fan club. 1027 01:07:31,875 --> 01:07:35,625 - I got the Jack Lord fan club. - The who? - For membership, send $25... 1028 01:07:35,625 --> 01:07:37,834 to the Jack Lord fan club. 1029 01:07:37,834 --> 01:07:40,625 Attention: Grover Cleaver. Wait! It's Grover! 1030 01:07:40,625 --> 01:07:42,583 He lives at 910 Mabley Terrace. 1031 01:07:42,583 --> 01:07:46,000 Mabley Terrace? That's a shitty neighborhood. 1032 01:07:46,000 --> 01:07:48,792 [ tires screeching ] 1033 01:07:51,542 --> 01:07:53,959 Damn it! Turn around! 1034 01:08:03,125 --> 01:08:05,917 Hey, we got away! 1035 01:08:10,667 --> 01:08:12,625 [ woman over TV ] As you can see from our skycam, 1036 01:08:12,625 --> 01:08:14,959 they are traveling in a stolen police car. 1037 01:08:14,959 --> 01:08:17,375 Again, to recap for those viewers just tuning in, 1038 01:08:17,375 --> 01:08:21,917 less than 15 minutes ago the two key suspects in the Crock kidnapping... 1039 01:08:21,917 --> 01:08:24,083 escaped from a downtown police station. 1040 01:08:24,083 --> 01:08:26,500 We'll stay with this story until its conclusion. 1041 01:08:27,625 --> 01:08:29,667 [ snoring ] 1042 01:08:29,667 --> 01:08:33,500 ♪ [ Grover singing, indistinct ] 1043 01:08:34,458 --> 01:08:36,667 [ chuckles ] Hi! 1044 01:08:36,667 --> 01:08:39,000 Here we go. I got it all. 1045 01:08:40,166 --> 01:08:42,291 Here it is. 1046 01:08:43,375 --> 01:08:45,792 One box of Fixodent. 1047 01:08:47,166 --> 01:08:51,041 One bag of prunes for the old chute. 1048 01:08:53,208 --> 01:08:56,375 And four pounds of lamb and rice... 1049 01:08:56,375 --> 01:08:58,208 dog chow! 1050 01:08:58,208 --> 01:09:01,208 - That's for you. - Where's my Bengay? 1051 01:09:01,208 --> 01:09:05,708 You forgot my Bengay, didn't you? You know my muscles get sore! 1052 01:09:05,708 --> 01:09:09,667 "You know how sore my muscles get." Zip it, you nag! 1053 01:09:09,667 --> 01:09:12,500 [ groans ] I wish I never met that dang chauffeur. 1054 01:09:12,500 --> 01:09:14,708 [ whimpers ] Come on. 1055 01:09:14,708 --> 01:09:18,708 The first rule of life, Blackie: never do no favors. 1056 01:09:18,708 --> 01:09:21,000 You call kidnapping a man doing him a favor? 1057 01:09:22,458 --> 01:09:25,333 I didn't kidnap that guy. He kidnapped himself. 1058 01:09:27,041 --> 01:09:28,834 What did you say? 1059 01:09:28,834 --> 01:09:32,083 [ vehicle approaching ] Hmm? Uh-oh. 1060 01:09:37,750 --> 01:09:40,708 You ain't gonna take me alive! 1061 01:09:53,250 --> 01:09:54,750 Grover! 1062 01:09:59,333 --> 01:10:01,458 Jesus Christ! Why is he shootin' at us? 1063 01:10:01,458 --> 01:10:03,583 He thinks we're the police! 1064 01:10:05,417 --> 01:10:09,834 [ over loudspeaker ] Grover, we are not the police! We are not the police! 1065 01:10:09,834 --> 01:10:13,959 Oh, yeah! Tryin' to fool stupid Grover, huh? 1066 01:10:13,959 --> 01:10:16,500 I'll show ya! 1067 01:10:19,458 --> 01:10:20,708 [ both screaming ] 1068 01:10:20,708 --> 01:10:23,583 Grover! Grover, it's us! 1069 01:10:23,583 --> 01:10:26,125 [ Rusty ] Don't shoot! 1070 01:10:26,125 --> 01:10:28,542 Oh, it's you guys. Come on up! 1071 01:10:28,542 --> 01:10:31,125 Hurry up! Hurry up! 1072 01:10:32,959 --> 01:10:36,667 Any word yet on that car? Yeah, it's been spotted on Mabley Terrace. 1073 01:10:36,667 --> 01:10:39,583 Mabley Terrace? Ah, Jesus. 1074 01:10:39,583 --> 01:10:41,917 I'm gonna need some backup. Let's go! 1075 01:10:41,917 --> 01:10:45,291 Grover, you have to let Miss Crock go, man! Grover! 1076 01:10:45,291 --> 01:10:47,542 Too much shit's goin' on. No way! 1077 01:10:47,542 --> 01:10:50,208 I'm out 18 bucks for groceries. What? 1078 01:10:50,208 --> 01:10:52,834 All right. Look, here's a twenty, all right? Yeah! 1079 01:10:52,834 --> 01:10:56,041 I can't break no twenty. Keep the change! 1080 01:10:56,041 --> 01:10:58,125 All right. 1081 01:10:59,583 --> 01:11:04,208 - Miss Crock, we're here to rescue you. - How dare you kidnap yourself! 1082 01:11:04,208 --> 01:11:06,250 Oh! 1083 01:11:06,250 --> 01:11:09,208 You tried to swindle me? 1084 01:11:09,208 --> 01:11:11,834 I am going to have your ass! 1085 01:11:11,834 --> 01:11:15,333 - Miss Crock, I'm sorry. - What nerve! 1086 01:11:15,333 --> 01:11:17,333 After all I've done for you. 1087 01:11:17,333 --> 01:11:22,125 I was under a lot of pressure, and-and I-- 1088 01:11:22,125 --> 01:11:25,458 After all you've done for me? [ sirens wailing ] 1089 01:11:26,834 --> 01:11:29,625 [ groaning ] Oh! Oh! 1090 01:11:29,625 --> 01:11:33,917 [ man over loudspeaker ] Willard Fillmore, the building is surrounded! 1091 01:11:33,917 --> 01:11:36,959 What exactly, Miss Crock, did you ever do for me? 1092 01:11:36,959 --> 01:11:40,542 I've been your slave for 15 years! I worked my butt off! 1093 01:11:40,542 --> 01:11:44,583 And then when I got kidnapped, you wouldn't even pay the ransom money! 1094 01:11:44,583 --> 01:11:46,792 Well, after all, you-- 1095 01:11:46,792 --> 01:11:49,208 you were just a hired servant. 1096 01:11:49,208 --> 01:11:51,083 Hired-- 1097 01:11:51,083 --> 01:11:54,750 Well, does a hired servant watch TV with you when you're lonely? 1098 01:11:54,750 --> 01:11:58,875 Does a hired servant read to you that time you broke your glasses? 1099 01:11:58,875 --> 01:12:03,291 Does a hired servant visit you in the hospital when nobody else does? 1100 01:12:03,291 --> 01:12:06,166 I did everything my father would've. 1101 01:12:09,166 --> 01:12:11,250 Mmm-- not everything. 1102 01:12:11,250 --> 01:12:13,291 Hmm? 1103 01:12:13,291 --> 01:12:18,750 Your father was, uh, a very special man. 1104 01:12:18,750 --> 01:12:22,750 He provided... extra services. 1105 01:12:25,458 --> 01:12:27,417 [ Rusty ] Oh, my God. 1106 01:12:27,417 --> 01:12:31,208 Your dad didn't say, "Stick with Miss Crock. You'll get ahead." 1107 01:12:31,208 --> 01:12:33,875 He said, "stick with Miss Crock and you'll get head." 1108 01:12:33,875 --> 01:12:38,041 Would you butt out? We're talking here! 1109 01:12:38,041 --> 01:12:40,333 Yuck! Oh! [ spits ] 1110 01:12:40,333 --> 01:12:43,625 [ man ] Let's move! Move, move, move, move, move! 1111 01:12:47,625 --> 01:12:50,083 Can you see them? I think they're on the third floor. 1112 01:12:50,083 --> 01:12:51,959 Oh, man! 1113 01:12:51,959 --> 01:12:54,375 That's why I couldn't compare to my dad? 1114 01:12:54,375 --> 01:12:56,208 Oh, now, now, now. Don't be silly. 1115 01:12:56,208 --> 01:13:00,625 It's just that your father was... very gifted. Oh! 1116 01:13:00,625 --> 01:13:03,917 - That's some big shoes to fill. - I don't wanna hear this! 1117 01:13:03,917 --> 01:13:07,417 Man, you must've been a total letdown. 1118 01:13:07,417 --> 01:13:09,667 No wonder she ransomed you with an empty suitcase. 1119 01:13:09,667 --> 01:13:12,000 That suitcase wasn't empty. 1120 01:13:13,125 --> 01:13:15,083 I paid every cent. 1121 01:13:15,083 --> 01:13:18,291 Oh, yeah? Then why do Roger and Chip have the money? 1122 01:13:18,291 --> 01:13:20,625 Roger and Chip? 1123 01:13:20,625 --> 01:13:23,125 [ horn honking ] [ Hillary ] Wait! 1124 01:13:23,125 --> 01:13:26,792 Stop! Don't shoot! They're stupid and confused! 1125 01:13:26,792 --> 01:13:29,291 [ man ] Position! Move out! 1126 01:13:29,291 --> 01:13:32,542 - I'm goin' in. - Come on! Come on! 1127 01:13:32,542 --> 01:13:34,792 I can't believe it. 1128 01:13:34,792 --> 01:13:39,792 I can't believe Chip shafted me. 1129 01:13:39,792 --> 01:13:43,000 I can't believe you came through. 1130 01:13:43,000 --> 01:13:45,083 [ man ] Beaver team, move in! Go, go, go, go! 1131 01:13:45,083 --> 01:13:47,583 [ grunting ] 1132 01:13:47,583 --> 01:13:49,875 Ooh! It's like an army out there. 1133 01:13:49,875 --> 01:13:54,834 [ stammering ] I'm on parole for mail fraud. I gotta hide. 1134 01:14:00,375 --> 01:14:02,708 Grover! How'd you get in there, man? 1135 01:14:02,708 --> 01:14:04,834 I mean, [ pounding on wall ] Come on, Grover! 1136 01:14:04,834 --> 01:14:09,708 I-I-I took care of all of Chip's gambling debts. 1137 01:14:09,708 --> 01:14:11,583 Grover! 1138 01:14:11,583 --> 01:14:14,500 I-I-I paid for all his methadone treatments. 1139 01:14:16,500 --> 01:14:18,500 I guess we both got the big screw. 1140 01:14:19,458 --> 01:14:21,667 Come on, Grover! 1141 01:14:23,166 --> 01:14:25,667 Don't move! Hayes and Fillmore, 1142 01:14:25,667 --> 01:14:29,333 you're under arrest again for the abduction of Virginia Crock! 1143 01:14:29,333 --> 01:14:31,750 And this time, it's gonna stick! 1144 01:14:33,875 --> 01:14:36,500 You clod. 1145 01:14:36,500 --> 01:14:38,542 They didn't kidnap me. 1146 01:14:38,542 --> 01:14:42,083 They rescued me. 1147 01:14:42,083 --> 01:14:46,708 If Willard hadn't shown up, I'd be dead and buried in this hellhole! 1148 01:14:46,708 --> 01:14:50,417 I don't understand. Then who's the kidnapper? 1149 01:14:53,000 --> 01:14:55,708 ♪ [ disco ] [ all laughing ] 1150 01:14:55,708 --> 01:14:58,458 First, I wanna upgrade the assembly line. 1151 01:14:58,458 --> 01:15:01,417 Toss out mincemeat. Ooh. Ooh. 1152 01:15:01,417 --> 01:15:03,375 Bring in vanilla custard. 1153 01:15:03,375 --> 01:15:05,375 Ahh! Ahh! 1154 01:15:05,375 --> 01:15:07,625 Then I'm gonna mix strawberry into the rhubarb. 1155 01:15:07,625 --> 01:15:10,500 - [ laughter ] - Muffin? 1156 01:15:10,500 --> 01:15:12,750 [ door opens ] 1157 01:15:12,750 --> 01:15:15,375 Freeze! You're under arrest. 1158 01:15:15,375 --> 01:15:17,291 Chip Oswald, 1159 01:15:17,291 --> 01:15:21,667 you are hereby apprehended for the kidnappings of Willard Fillmore and Virginia Crock. 1160 01:15:21,667 --> 01:15:25,417 That is ridiculous! How dare you! 1161 01:15:25,417 --> 01:15:28,583 - I demand you leave my house! - [ barks ] 1162 01:15:34,250 --> 01:15:36,667 Put on your pants. You're goin' to jail. 1163 01:15:36,667 --> 01:15:38,917 All right, let's keep them hands behind your back. 1164 01:15:40,750 --> 01:15:43,250 Oh, my God! It's the new Village People. 1165 01:15:43,250 --> 01:15:45,125 [ grunts ] You're all crazy! 1166 01:15:45,125 --> 01:15:48,125 - Put down that gun! - I'm not goin' back to prison! 1167 01:15:48,125 --> 01:15:50,792 What do you mean "back"? Up yours! 1168 01:15:50,792 --> 01:15:55,291 I've got nothing from all of those years of suffering, working for you! 1169 01:15:55,291 --> 01:15:57,417 - Chip, nobody does. - Stay out of this! 1170 01:15:57,417 --> 01:15:59,291 [ screams ] 1171 01:15:59,291 --> 01:16:01,291 I'll see you all in hell! 1172 01:16:01,291 --> 01:16:04,875 I'll slice you and I'll dice you... 1173 01:16:04,875 --> 01:16:07,917 and I'll bake you all into meat pies! 1174 01:16:09,083 --> 01:16:11,083 [ screams ] 1175 01:16:15,458 --> 01:16:18,291 Well, it's an ugly ending, but the case is solved. 1176 01:16:18,291 --> 01:16:21,500 I knew he was the kidnapper the whole time. 1177 01:16:21,500 --> 01:16:24,625 Never trust a black man named Chip. 1178 01:16:31,917 --> 01:16:34,291 This is so beautiful. 1179 01:16:34,291 --> 01:16:37,708 I can spend the rest of my life here. Yeah. 1180 01:16:37,708 --> 01:16:40,625 And we found a place where almost everyone speaks English. 1181 01:16:51,959 --> 01:16:54,625 Oh, there's my juicy, succulent chicken. Come here. 1182 01:16:54,625 --> 01:16:58,333 How's business, baby? [ muffled ] Great, Rusty. 1183 01:16:58,333 --> 01:17:00,500 You guys got a package. Huh? Oh. 1184 01:17:00,500 --> 01:17:04,166 Oh! Hey. Look. 1185 01:17:04,166 --> 01:17:06,166 It's from Miss Crock. 1186 01:17:06,166 --> 01:17:09,458 What did she send? 1187 01:17:10,875 --> 01:17:14,166 Wow! Check it out. It's an Armani suit. 1188 01:17:14,166 --> 01:17:16,333 And there's a letter. 1189 01:17:19,792 --> 01:17:20,917 [ Miss Crock's voice ] Dear Willard, 1190 01:17:20,917 --> 01:17:24,125 I hope you're enjoying your retirement money. 1191 01:17:24,125 --> 01:17:28,708 Here's a suit you can wear when you graduate from USC. 1192 01:17:28,708 --> 01:17:32,583 Back in Pittsburgh, I decided not to sell the company. 1193 01:17:32,583 --> 01:17:37,208 And I have a new man in my life. 1194 01:17:37,208 --> 01:17:39,667 Grover's quite special. 1195 01:17:39,667 --> 01:17:43,834 He's a little slow, but he does what he's told. 1196 01:17:43,834 --> 01:17:47,875 So, thanks again for introducing us. 1197 01:17:47,875 --> 01:17:50,917 Your everlasting friend, Virginia. 1198 01:17:53,834 --> 01:17:55,875 [ grunting ] 88223