All language subtitles for South Park Season 6 Episode 16 My Future Self n Me

I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time.

Friendly faces everywhere.

Humble folks
without temptation.

Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind.

Ample parking day or night.

People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor!"

Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind.

Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy.

Timmy, Timmy,
liv-a-la, Timmy!

Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine.

Throw it away, Clyde.

I'm not gonna touch it.
You throw it away.

What's going on?

Some high schoolers left
a marijuana cigarette behind.

We have to throw it away
before some kids find it.

- So throw it away.
- Nobody wants to touch it.

What if the residue
gets on our hands

and it leads to harder drugs,
like those commercials say?

Didn't you see that commercial
where it says

if you have pot,
you can become a terrorist?

And the commercial
where two kids have pot

and the one kid
shoots the other... harmless?

Those commercials
are just exaggerations.

How do you know?

None of us have ever had
any drugs before.

Well, I did ecstasy once.

Me and my girlfriend took it,

and we stayed up all night
having s-s-sex.

Where did you have sex with her?

In her v-v-vagina.

Thank you. Thank you.
What a terrific audience.

It's just a stupid plant
that makes you dumb.

Touching it won't hurt you.

Then you throw it away,
smart ass.

Fine.
I will.

There. See?
I touched marijuana.

I'm not a terrorist,
I didn't shoot anybody,

and I don't feel like
doing more drugs now.

No big deal.

You kids fucking don't fuck
around with your fucking mom!

Dad, we fucking can't!
The be-da-feh-ka-fuck.

Stan, what did I tell you
about watching "The Osbournes"?

Oh, come on, Mom!

It's going to make you retarded.

It's just a show!

It doesn't have any fucking
effect on me, for fuck's sake!

Oh, goody.
Now we can watch the news.

In other news, South Park
police are still looking

for a crazy man who terrorized
the town one hour ago.

The man claimed to be
from the future

and ran naked
through the city streets,

screaming, "The past! The past!
Oh, my God! It's the past!"

Which is what one would expect
someone from the future to yell.

Oh, my God!
It's the past!

Oh, whoa, man!
It's you!

Who are you?

It's me, Mom!
Your son... Stan!

Who is it, Sharon?

- Dad!
- Dad?

Look, we don't know you,
and you don't know us.

Just go away
before we call the police.

Who the fuck is it,
Mom and Dad?

No way!
It's me from the past!

I'm me from the past?

No.
I'm you from the future.

Oh, man.
This is so messed up.

Okay.
We've had enough.

Your name's Randy Marsh.

You're a geologist,
and you don't like chicken.

Mom, your maiden name is Kimble,

and you have a scar
on your left knee

from when you slipped
in the swimming pool.

Randy, what's going on?

I don't know.

Dude, just let me talk to you
for like five minutes.

After that, I'll bail.

I can still remember
when I was 5

and you both found that squirrel
I'd been keeping in the closet

and you let me keep it
for another week,

and then it ran away.

But I know
that's just what you told me.

I knew Mom had actually
let it out.

How could he possibly know
all that?

Unless... he is our son
from the future.

But why are you back
in this time with us, son?

I have no idea, man.

I was just about to go to sleep

in an alley
behind the crack house.

I shot up a little heroin,

and then this electrical storm
started.

Next thing I knew, I was running
around in my own past, man.

I thought I was just tripping,

but then I came down,
and I was still here.

Oh, dude, it's so bizarre!

Oh, dude, I should've
never touched that marijuana.

Stan, whatever has happened,
we're going to help you.

That's right. We're a family,
no matter what time shift.

Thanks.
Could I get another beer?

You must be exhausted.
Why don't you get some sleep?

That'd be killer.
Where can I crash?

I'm sure Stan
wouldn't mind sharing his room,

- would you, Stan?
- What?!

I have to share my room
with my future self?!

Oh, no!

Here we are, face-to-face.

My future self 'n' me.

Stop it.
So much alike.

And yet so different
No.

One of us messy,
the other one clean.

Gettin' along
isn't always easy.

Sometimes we disagree
Quit it.

But in the end, we know
we're good for each other.

Two peas in a pod.

Future self 'n' me.

Future self 'n' me.

Future self 'n'

'N' me.

Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Kyle and Cartman!

It's so cool to see you guys!

- Who's this asshole?
- This is my future self.

He came during
the electrical storm last night

and is caught in a time matrix.

He's me when I'm 32.

That's pretty cool.

But how does he know our names?

'Cause, R-tard,
he's Stan from the future.

He knows everything Stan knows.

Wait.

- Stan becomes this douchebag?
- Yeah.

I spent a lot of my teenage
years on a slow downward spiral

experimenting with drugs
and alcohol.

Shut up, Cartman!

That is so awesome!

Thank you, God!
Oh, praise God!

Hey, what happens to me
in the future?

Oh, I don't know.

You guys stayed away from drugs,
so you were okay.

I just lost touch with you

after I was sent to juvie hall
in 2006.

Juvie hall!

Stan's a loser!
Stan's a loser!

God damn it.

Thanks for staying after school
and tutoring me, Butters.

Well, sure thing, Stan.

But how come you care about
schoolwork all of a sudden?

I told you,
I can't stand my future self!

I have to do whatever I can
to not become a loser like him.

Well, studying is the golden key
to the imposing door of success.

I can't stand having my
future self around all the time.

It's driving me crazy!

Maybe if I get smarter,
I won't become him

and I won't have to share
my room.

I know what you mean.

I hate having
my future self around, too.

Yeah.
It's like everything I do, he...

Wait a minute.
What did you say?

I said I know how you feel.

My life has gone
completely downhill

ever since my future self
moved in.

I hate him.

All he ever wants to do
is watch "Becker,"

and that show is so stupid.

Dude, how long has
your future self been around?

Oh, I guess it's been
about four months now.

Four months?!

You never told anybody

you were living with yourself
from the future?

Nobody asked.

Where is he now?

Probably watching "Becker".

My name is T. Becker.

The "T" stands for "terrific."

See? Here he is...
Future Butters.

Future self,
this is my good friend...

Stan!

Sure, I remember you!

Yep. Wearing that puffball hat,
like always.

Oh, hello, boys.

Future Butters, it's time
to take your liver medicine.

Liver medicine?

Yeah. My future self
has a bad kidney

from all the drinking he did
in high school.

I need to learn
to behave myself.

Hey, where you going, Stan?

All right. Where's
that son of a bitch's wallet?

W-What are you looking for,
huh, Stan?

Don't you think it's
a little bit of a coincidence

that both your future self
and my future self

got caught in
a mexterdexed time plane?

We both got the same teacher
for homeroom, too.

You didn't say anything then.

Here it is.
There has to be something...

Wait.
What's this?

This expires in 2002.

Why would he have this
in his wallet?

- I don't follow.
- 3451 Colfax Avenue.

Come on, Butters!

Are we off on an adventure?

Here it is... Motivation Corp.

I don't think we're
supposed to go in there, Stan.

Maybe we should go adventuring
somewhere else.

Part of being on an adventure

is you go places
you're not supposed to go!

Oh! Well, you're good
at adventuring, huh, Stan?

What the hell is going on here?

It should take about a month

to achieve the results you want.

Well, Mr. And Mrs. Brooks,

I think you're gonna be
very pleased with the results.

We sure hope so.

We just don't know how to talk
to our son about drugs.

Well, now you won't have to.

Ah. Here he is.
This is Josh Cashner.

He'll be playing the role
of your future son.

Nice to meet you, "Mom and Dad."

My goodness. He does look
a little like Kevin.

Yes, and he knows all
your family history

and every detail of your house.

And he's worked up
quite a future for your son.

I'm going to tell him
that I dropped out of school

and went to prison
for eight years,

where I was sodomized...
In the ass!

Ooh. That should get Kevin
to stay clear of drugs.

It sure should!

So we'll put the fake news
report out on Tuesday night.

Make sure your son is watching
the Channel 4 news.

Oh, and that's when you'll fake
the electrical storm as well?

Motivation Corp
takes care of everything.

Just follow these simple scripts
when your actor arrives.

"Listen to me, you crazy person.

There's no way you can be
from the future."

Oh, this is going to be fun!

I can't believe it.
It's all a scam!

Yeah.
I can't believe it!

They've all been lying to us
this whole time!

This whole time!

I wonder if my future self
knows anything about this.

Hey, maybe my future self
remembers this happening

a-and can shed some light
on the subject.

Butters, don't you get it?!

Those assholes
aren't our future selves!

Our parents hired them
to make us more motivated!

But then why did they come back
to the past?

They didn't come back
to the past, you dumb-ass!

They're actors!

But that's like they're lying.

It is lying, Butters.

Your parents lied to you,
and my parents lied to me!

Get it?!

That makes me angry!

Why, if Professor Chaos were
here, he'd make everyone pay!

Who's that?

You know... Professor Chaos,

bringer of destruction
and disorder!

- What?
- Follow me back home, Stan.

It's time I let you in
on a horrible secret.

Wait right here, Stan.

I warn you, you may not like
what you're about to see.

We have to teach our parents
a lesson,

show them they can't just play
with our emotions like that.

Now you know my terrible secret!

You're gay?

It's fine if you're gay,
Butters. I don't care.

Huh? No. I'm Professor Chaos.
I...

We have to teach our parents
a lesson.

We're running away.

Help me find the perfect place
to run away to.

Mm. Uh, maybe I used
a little too much silver.

How about this?
"Winter Park."

It looks kind of nice.

No. We got to run away
somewhere warm.

Oh, look at this, Stan.

"Are you sick of your parents?

Do you want revenge for
something they've done to you?

Call the Parental Revenge Center
of Western America

for a free consultation.

Results guaranteed."

Dude, I didn't know
there was such a thing!

Hey, look.
Somebody lost their cat.

Uh, hi.

Is this the Parental Revenge
Center of Western America?

I'm really pissed off
at my parents,

and I want to impose swift
and horrible revenge upon them.

Look. You can make your wiener
bigger in just three weeks.

Oh, really? Okay.
Where are you located, please?

Great.
Um, can I come by tomorrow?

This lady will come
and massage your wiener for $95.

That's a pretty good deal.

11:00 is great.
Thank you.

That was easy!

I just go to their office

and they'll help me figure out
how to get back at my parents.

I want to get revenge
on my douchebag parents, too!

- Fine. You can come with me.
- Hooray!

And then we can
make our wieners bigger

and have a lady massage 'em.

I guess this is it.

Uh, hello? We're here about
the revenge on our parents.

Yes.
Come in, please.

Cartman?!

Oh! Stan! Butters!
I didn't know it was you guys.

What the hell
are you doing here?

I'm running a business, Stan.
Are you my 11:00?

You're the Parental Revenge
Center of Western America?

I knew this was too good
to be true.

Come on, Butters.
Let's go.

So you don't want to make
your parents suffer

and pay for mistreating you,
then?

Look, I don't know
what your parents did to you,

but if you're here, I take it
they pissed you off pretty good.

Maybe you should at least hear
what I have to offer.

We thought this
was a legitimate business.

And it is, I assure you.

I started this business
over three months ago.

I've been helping children
get back at their parents since.

How many parents have you
exacted revenge upon?

Craig's.
And Clyde's.

Oh, and Kyle's,
but that was a freebie.

Look, I run
a legitimate business here

with state-of-the-art computers,
charts, and technology.

Look around you.

I know how it feels
to be really, really pissed off

at your parents.

And I will work hard... for you.

Our moms and dads lied to us
about those future selves.

It was a trick to get us to not
want to try drugs or alcohol.

God damn it.

See, this is exactly
why I started this business.

If a parent can't respect
their child,

- then who can they respect, huh?
- Yeah!

Parents understand one thing,
and that's consequences.

They need to see consequences
from their actions

or else they'll never learn.

What my company does
is inflicts those consequences

upon the parents in a very real
and very direct way.

How much is this
going to cost us?

$18,000.

How about just 387 easy payments
of $199.95?

How about five bucks?

So, everything is working out
with your future actor?

Your son seems to be responding?

I think he's pretty scared,
all right.

It's just a little weird
having to keep lying

to our boy like this.

Well, you know what us
ultraliberals say...

"When it comes to children
and drugs, lies are okay."

The ends justify the means.

Take smoking, for instance.

The truth is
there's no hard evidence

that secondhand smoke can kill,

but we believe it's okay
to lie about it

as long as it gets people
to stop smoking.

Well, that makes sense.

So it is with everything
here at Motivation Corp.

It's okay for us to lie

and tell kids that all marijuana
supports terrorism

or that one pill of ecstasy
is gonna kill them.

It's not necessarily true,
but the ends justify the means.

I think when this is all over,
our son is gonna thank us.

Okay, Butters.
Let's start with you.

I think I found a great way
to get revenge on your parents.

Tell me if I'm going
in the right direction here.

What we're gonna do, Butters,

is wait for your parents
to leave the house

and then smear all the walls
with poop.

That'll make 'em awful sore!

I want you to take a look
at some of these poop swatches.

P-Poop swatches?

Poop comes in a lot
of varieties.

I want to find the perfect one

tailored to your revenge
on your parents.

Hey, that's neato, huh, Stan?

Personally,
I like the Baby Green.

But I also think
that Classic Brown

would go nicely with your house.

You sure are professional, Eric.

I don't know which swatch
I like best.

Well, you know what we could do,
uh, Butters,

is go with the Baby Green
in the living room

and then maybe a Classic Brown
or even a Nut n' Corn Crunch

- in your parents' bedroom.
- That sounds good!

Well, let's do that, then.
That'll look nice.

Hooray!

Now, Stan, for you, I've put
together a really nice design.

I feel your parents were a bit
more cocky about lying to you,

and your revenge
needs to reflect that.

So what I want to do is put
a note on your parents' door

telling them I'm the counselor
from the school.

- Yeah?
- The note will inform them

that a problem has come up and
they need to see me right away.

Yeah?

Your parents will drive
all the way to the school,

discovering that no meeting
is actually taking place.

- Yeah?!
- And while they're gone,

we're gonna smear
all their walls with poop.

- Wow! Neato!
- That's not neato.

- That sucks.
- What?

You're gonna smear Butters'
parents' walls with poop.

I thought each revenge
was unique and customized.

Poop-smearing is a hot ticket
right now, Stan.

Have you seen the poop swatches?

Dude, that's not extreme enough.

My parents aren't gonna learn
their lesson

from having some crap
smeared on their walls.

I want them to see
what they did was wrong.

I want them to have to admit
they lied to me.

Okay. Okay. Fine. I-I just...
My first idea.

That's why we have
these consultations.

Okay. Okay.
Let... Let me see here. Uh...

Well, this is nice.
How about this?

We'll lure your parents
out of the house,

and then we'll kill them.

We'll cut them up into little
pieces and feed them to a dog.

- Dude!
- Extreme enough for you?

- How's Wednesday?
- No. That's too extreme.

First it's not extreme enough,
and then it's too extreme.

- Where do you want it?
- Just forget it, Cartman.

You don't know
what you're doing.

I am a professional, sir!

Don't worry, Butters.
You're gonna be 100% satisfied.

- Hey, future self.
- Yes, former self?

You know that thing I've kept
hidden in the hole in the wall

for two years that I've never
told anybody about?

You know... the thing
that I take out of the shoe box

every night
before I go to sleep?

You must know
what I'm talking about.

Sure.
Uh...

Uh, oh, man. Could you all
excuse me for a second?

I think I'm gonna crap my pants.

Uh, Stan, don't you think
you're upsetting

your future self a little?

Yeah, Stan.
Don't be so hard on yourself.

Mom, Dad, I don't think
that guy is from the future.

You... You don't?

No.
You know what I think?

I think this is all
an elaborate hoax,

and I think that
whoever is doing it

doesn't have very much respect
for me.

See, the best way
to try to motivate somebody

is by being direct with them,
to be honest with them.

I think the whole
future-self thing is a lie.

And lies are never the right way
to get your message across.

Well, you know
what I think, Stan?

- What?
- I think he is from the future.

Yeah.
He must be.

It's like I just feel
he's our son, you know?

Right.
That's mother's intuition.

You can't argue with that.

No, Stan. I think the only way
you're gonna get rid of him

is by staying clear of drugs
and alcohol.

Right.

Okay. Very nice.
Very nice.

Oh, wait. God damn it.
Felipe!

The Classic Brown poop

is supposed to go
in the parents' bedroom.

The living room is supposed to
be all Baby Green poop.

¿Qué?
¿La caca no esta aquí?

¿La caca de moreno alta, sí?

Aquí es verde, señor!
Es verde!

- Arriba! Arriba!
- Sí. Sí, señor.

Bien, gracias.
¿Y tú?

Carlos!
Carlos, no!

We want a textured effect
on the Nut n' Corn Crunch poop.

That's why we spackle
with the sponge, see?

Spackle gently.
La marrado.

Gently, see?
Marrado.

Sí, marrado.

- Marrado. Spectacular.
- Sí.

Oh, it's so hard
to find good help.

Ah! Butters.
Like what you're seeing so far?

Boy, it sure is stinky in here.

Well, 300 gallons of poop

isn't gonna smell
like a garden, Butters.

But I think it's coming together
real nice.

Look, Eric, I've been thinking.

My parents are gonna be
awful sore, and I don't...

Yes. Well, then I've done
my job, haven't I?

Pepite!
Pepite, no!

No come la taco la trabajar!

Well, it's hard to find work
in commercials, so I ended up...

Oh, Stan.

Oh. Dude.
How's it going, man?

Hey, you want to go upstairs
and play hide-and-go-seek?

Hide-and-go-seek, huh?

Yeah. Stan, why don't you go
upstairs and play with yourself?

I don't believe
that he's my future self.

But we can't be sure,
so we better assume he is

and never try that first
marijuana cigarette, huh?

No. I-I actually have a way
to be sure.

I'm going to cut off my hand.

If he is my future self,
then his hand will disappear.

S-Stanley,
you don't need to do that.

He is your future self.

But I have to know for sure.

Don't be silly, Stan.

You don't want to go through
life without one of your hands.

Maybe it's the hand I smoked
that first joint with.

Here I go.
I'm gonna do it.

Stan.

Yes?

Uh, nothing.
Go ahead.

Randy!

Oh, my God! Look!

- Why, his hand did disappear!
- Oh! Oh, God!

- He is you from the future!
- Oh, Jesus Christ!

Help me!

That's weird, because I didn't
really cut off my hand.

It was fake.

Uh, look. It was fake
in the future, too.

Looks like you better watch out
for marijuana, huh, Stan?

Well, Butters,
I hope you like the work.

I'm sure your parents will be
plenty pissed off.

And after my parents get angry,

how do we get the poop
off the walls?

Ooh.
Uh, that's a different company.

Oh, someone's here.

We'd better run out the back.
Pepite! Carlos! Vamanos!

B-But, Cartman, wait!

Oh, Christmas.

- Butters!
- Oh! Stan!

Butters, we've g...
Oh, God, it smells in here.

Yeah. Well, 300 gallons of poop
isn't gonna smell like a garden.

- Butters, we're running away.
- We are?

Our parents are never gonna
admit what they did was wrong,

and they're never gonna change.

What the hell is this?!

Oh, my God!
Our house!

Oh, geez.
I'm gonna get it now.

Butters! Do you have
an explanation for this?!

Well, not really, sir.
I-I just thought...

Wait a minute, Chris.
Don't you see?

This might be our fault.

W... I...

My God.
You're right, Linda.

This is what we get
for deceiving our son.

Butters, listen.

The whole future-self thing,
well, it was a dirty fib.

We just so desperately
wanted you to never try drugs

that we used a big scare tactic

instead of telling you
the truth.

We thought the ends justified
the means, but they don't.

They just don't, son!

We're sorry, baby.

Get the fuck out of here.

Stan! Stan!
Oh! Okay.

Uh, y-you might be wondering why
Butters has a future self, too.

You see, son, the time matrix
pulled in more people

from the future...
Oh, stop it, you guys!

I know all about
Motivation Corp!

All I've been trying to get you
to do is admit you lied to me.

Well, son, we've just been
trying to make sure

you know how dangerous
drugs like pot are.

I've been told a lot
of things about pot,

but I've come to find out a lot
of those things aren't true,

so I don't know what to believe.

Well, Stan, the truth is

marijuana probably isn't
going to make you kill people,

and it most likely
isn't gonna fund terrorists.

But, well, son, pot makes you
feel fine with being bored,

and it's when you're bored

that you should be learning
some new skill

or discovering some new science
or being creative.

If you smoke pot,
you may grow up to find out

that you aren't good
at anything.

I really, really wish
you just would've told me that

from the beginning.

He's right.

If we use lies and exaggerations
to keep kids off drugs,

then they're never gonna believe
anything we tell them.

Well, there's only one person
I can blame.

Motivation Corp.

Oh, God!

Who smeared crap
all over our walls?!

Oh, Jesus!
It smells! Oh!

You really did a nice job, Eric.

Yeah. I got to admit
you really came through.

Thank you.

I thought the Hangover Black
went really nice in the lobby.

Here, Eric. I cooked you a huge
box of cookies as a present.

Thanks.

But, you know, all this talk
about future selves

has made me think maybe I should
take better care of myself.

I mean, maybe I should think
about who I'm gonna become.

Attaboy, Eric.
You made the right choice.

Who the hell are you?

It's me... Cartman.
You from the future.

I came back to tell you
that this is the day

you turn it all around.

You stop eating junk food,
you start studying harder,

you stay away from drugs
and alcohol,

and you become CEO
of your own time-travel company.

Oh, wow! Really?
That's so awesome!

Now I'll really work
to be successful!

Right on!

Go have sex with yourself,
asshole!

I'm not that stupid.

Just for that, I'm gonna spend
my whole childhood

eating what I want
and doing drugs when I want.

Whatever!
I do what I want!

No! Wait!

God damn it!