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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,336 --> 00:00:03,420 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) 2 00:00:06,798 --> 00:00:08,967 (WHISPERING) Coach and May are fighting. We don't want to disturb them. 3 00:00:09,051 --> 00:00:10,302 They're not fighting. 4 00:00:10,385 --> 00:00:12,471 I know how to read body language. Look. 5 00:00:12,554 --> 00:00:14,765 Her arms are crossed in a position of dominance, 6 00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:16,225 and he's playing his forehead like a piano. 7 00:00:16,308 --> 00:00:17,518 WINSTON: Will you clowns focus? 8 00:00:17,601 --> 00:00:19,019 My waffle is in the toaster, 9 00:00:19,102 --> 00:00:21,647 and if I wait too long after it pops, it'll get hard. 10 00:00:21,730 --> 00:00:24,191 Look, I know about relationships. Winston can vouch for me. 11 00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:27,861 That girl, KC, just texted him, "What's up?" 12 00:00:28,070 --> 00:00:30,864 -That riddler. -So I had him text back an empty bubble. 13 00:00:30,948 --> 00:00:33,992 Is he thinking about her? Or is a baby playing with the phone? 14 00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,662 She don't know, but she want to know. 15 00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:38,789 -(SOFTLY) There she is. There she is. -Oh. Hey. 16 00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:39,915 -Morning. -Hello. 17 00:00:39,998 --> 00:00:40,999 How do? 18 00:00:41,083 --> 00:00:43,418 Hey. Oh, someone left a waffle in the toaster. Bye, guys. 19 00:00:43,502 --> 00:00:46,255 Man, this waffle better be hot or I am going Durst on y'all! 20 00:00:46,338 --> 00:00:48,382 Hey... Coach. 21 00:00:48,465 --> 00:00:50,801 Why, Jess, are you talking like that? 22 00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,427 She thinks you and May are fighting. 23 00:00:52,511 --> 00:00:53,720 No, we're not fighting. 24 00:00:53,804 --> 00:00:54,972 (CHUCKLES) 25 00:00:55,097 --> 00:00:56,223 We did break up though. 26 00:00:56,306 --> 00:00:59,101 (GASPS) Oh, my God, I knew it. I mean, I'm so sorry. What happened? 27 00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:03,146 May accepted a job in New York as a section musician for the Met. 28 00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:05,607 Oh, has Alan taken a liking to her? Oh, bravo. 29 00:01:05,691 --> 00:01:07,234 Good for... You know, I've always been a fan of his. 30 00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:10,487 When he conducted, uh, Das Rheingold 31 00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:13,532 with the Royal Stockholm Orchestra, it was magnificent. 32 00:01:13,615 --> 00:01:15,868 -Jar or slap? -I don't have any cash on me. 33 00:01:17,369 --> 00:01:18,579 -Good slap. -Are you okay? 34 00:01:18,662 --> 00:01:19,872 Do you want to talk about it? 35 00:01:19,955 --> 00:01:21,874 No, I'm good. Yeah. I'll miss her, but... 36 00:01:21,957 --> 00:01:24,251 We're still friends. We're cool. I'm cool. 37 00:01:24,334 --> 00:01:25,544 -Cool. -NICK: All right. 38 00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:28,755 He is not good. 39 00:01:28,839 --> 00:01:32,551 Winston, get back here! We need to powwow about May and Coach! 40 00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:36,555 Winnie's gonna need a minute. 41 00:01:44,563 --> 00:01:47,024 What are you reading? What is... 42 00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:49,401 One Woman's Journey Up Inside Herself? 43 00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:52,446 It's really inspiring. I actually want to be the woman in this book. 44 00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:55,115 "Finding inner strength in a time of crises." 45 00:01:56,283 --> 00:01:57,576 Cece, are you in crises? 46 00:01:57,659 --> 00:02:00,412 I'm fine. Cece's fine. 47 00:02:00,579 --> 00:02:02,372 How are you? How's Fawn holding up? 48 00:02:02,664 --> 00:02:05,209 If you must know, my paramour Councilwoman Fawn Moscato 49 00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:07,002 has been so strong since the incident. 50 00:02:07,336 --> 00:02:08,587 (CROWD GASPING) 51 00:02:09,004 --> 00:02:11,006 You know, reporters are calling it Panty-Gate. 52 00:02:11,089 --> 00:02:12,966 There's pictures of her naked lady-bottom 53 00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:15,260 all over the Internet. Sid, put the phone away. 54 00:02:16,428 --> 00:02:19,515 You picked it up right when I said "naked lady-bottom." 55 00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:21,767 -Please. -You guys are good, then? 56 00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:23,727 You know, 'cause the last time we spoke, 57 00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:26,772 you said you were feeling a little, you know, used. 58 00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:28,774 Well, not anymore. We're a team now. 59 00:02:28,941 --> 00:02:30,275 Fawn and Schmidt. 60 00:02:30,359 --> 00:02:31,360 Fawmidt. 61 00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:33,403 -Vomit? -No, Fawmidt. 62 00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:36,281 -You're saying the word "vomit." -No, I don't hear that, but okay. 63 00:02:36,365 --> 00:02:38,408 Fawn's holding a press conference later today, 64 00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:40,285 and I don't mean to toot my own shofar, 65 00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:42,079 but I'll be standing there right by her side. 66 00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:44,581 So this scandal is actually bringing you two closer together. 67 00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,416 Team Fawmidt has never been stronger. 68 00:02:47,918 --> 00:02:50,796 I heard it there. Wow, that sounds exactly like "vomit." 69 00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:52,130 -That's a problem. -Mmm-hmm. 70 00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:58,136 "Roughly the same length as The Pearl." How is that a pull quote? 71 00:02:58,887 --> 00:03:00,264 And that 72 00:03:01,265 --> 00:03:03,392 is how babies get made. It's gross, right? 73 00:03:03,642 --> 00:03:05,018 How does the sperm find the egg? 74 00:03:05,269 --> 00:03:06,854 Propelled by its tail, 75 00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:10,566 the sperm travels up the canal until it reaches the egg. 76 00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:12,484 Now, for us, it's only a couple of inches, 77 00:03:12,568 --> 00:03:15,153 but for Mr. Sperm there, it's miles away. 78 00:03:17,281 --> 00:03:20,075 Miles and miles and miles away. 79 00:03:20,784 --> 00:03:22,244 (SIGHS) 80 00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:23,704 It's almost like... 81 00:03:25,163 --> 00:03:29,168 Why would the egg want to be so far away from the sperm? 82 00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:31,211 You know? Like, didn't the egg and the sperm 83 00:03:31,295 --> 00:03:32,629 have a great time together? 84 00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:36,133 And then you're just gonna pack your bags and leave and go to New York? 85 00:03:37,092 --> 00:03:38,760 To play music with some other sperm. 86 00:03:38,844 --> 00:03:41,805 You're just gonna leave? You're gonna leave your sperm 87 00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:43,849 and go play music with other sperms? 88 00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:45,767 And I'm cool with that! I'm cool with that! 89 00:03:45,851 --> 00:03:48,896 You know, I got eggs. I have eggs on deck! 90 00:03:49,104 --> 00:03:50,522 This sperm got swag. All those other sperms 91 00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:53,233 ain't got swag like me. Can any other sperm 92 00:03:53,609 --> 00:03:56,528 sport this much green and still look dope? 93 00:03:57,779 --> 00:04:00,741 No! That ain't tight! This is tight! 94 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,285 This is tight! 95 00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:06,914 (CRYING) I just want you to come back, and I... 96 00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:12,377 I guess I chose the wrong day to observe Health. 97 00:04:13,128 --> 00:04:14,838 COACH: (CRYING) I miss her! 98 00:04:15,547 --> 00:04:16,715 May! 99 00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,801 Listen, thanks for standing next to me up there, Ponyboy. 100 00:04:19,885 --> 00:04:22,471 I hope this show of remorse will keep these reporters off my back. 101 00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:24,056 Oh, I know it will. And then, you know what, 102 00:04:24,139 --> 00:04:26,433 once this is over, maybe we get out of here for a little bit. 103 00:04:26,517 --> 00:04:28,727 -Oh. -Lay low, rent a cabin in the woods... 104 00:04:28,810 --> 00:04:31,188 -Yeah. -...read some poetry, have horizontal sex. 105 00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,273 Okay, two of those three things sound like fun. 106 00:04:33,357 --> 00:04:36,026 Now, here's your statement in case you're asked any questions. 107 00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:38,403 Oh, a... I'm not gonna need a statement. I'm a seasoned improviser. 108 00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:40,656 Hey, guys. We're the Belly Laughs. 109 00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:42,074 So I need a location. 110 00:04:42,157 --> 00:04:43,408 BOY: How 'bout fat camp? 111 00:04:43,492 --> 00:04:44,660 (LAUGHTER) 112 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:50,082 That's adorable. But just, please, read what I wrote. 113 00:04:50,332 --> 00:04:52,417 I will. But I'm not gonna do it until I get out there. 114 00:04:52,501 --> 00:04:53,961 You're gonna want me in the moment for this. 115 00:04:54,044 --> 00:04:55,087 Okay. 116 00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:58,799 (REPORTERS CLAMORING) 117 00:04:58,882 --> 00:04:59,967 Good afternoon. 118 00:05:00,050 --> 00:05:04,304 Um, before I answer any of your questions, my partner would like to read a statement. 119 00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:06,098 Honey. 120 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:09,810 I am a sick man. 121 00:05:15,232 --> 00:05:16,775 On Saturday last, Councilwoman Moscato 122 00:05:16,859 --> 00:05:19,319 was caught not wearing underpants because I... 123 00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:22,072 I asked her not to wear them. 124 00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:25,033 Why? 125 00:05:30,372 --> 00:05:31,748 Because it turns me on. 126 00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:36,461 What I did was wrong. I'm so sorry, Fawn. 127 00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,173 I'm sorry, Los Angeles. 128 00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:45,470 And I'm sorry to the man upstairs, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 129 00:05:50,809 --> 00:05:52,895 -Dress shirts on a Monday? -You know how it is. 130 00:05:53,228 --> 00:05:55,981 Coach breaks up with a lady, we take him out, and he gets loaded. 131 00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:57,566 Yeah, I know how it usually goes 132 00:05:57,774 --> 00:05:59,776 when Coach breaks up with a girl, but May is different. 133 00:06:00,194 --> 00:06:02,196 Sometimes she comes over and they don't even have sex. 134 00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:04,573 -I don't get that. -Trust me, I am right about this, 135 00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:07,826 just like I was right about them fighting. I'm on, like, a streak here. 136 00:06:07,910 --> 00:06:11,413 I might just be an expert in love. 137 00:06:11,622 --> 00:06:14,166 Like a... You know, like a love doctor, if you will. 138 00:06:14,249 --> 00:06:17,669 I will not. You are the least qualified person 139 00:06:17,753 --> 00:06:20,672 to call themselves a doctor of love. 140 00:06:21,006 --> 00:06:22,966 Exhibit "A": you dated me. 141 00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:24,426 -I rest my case. -(CHUCKLES) 142 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:28,138 -Court is adjourned. -Guilty as charged. 143 00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:29,264 (LAUGHS) 144 00:06:29,348 --> 00:06:30,516 Put... I would stop that. 145 00:06:30,599 --> 00:06:34,520 Case rested. Listen, I got to say I agree with Nick on this one, Jess. 146 00:06:34,603 --> 00:06:37,356 I mean, it's been a whole day, and KC still hasn't texted me. 147 00:06:37,439 --> 00:06:39,900 Well, that's just proof that the bubble is working. 148 00:06:39,983 --> 00:06:42,319 Look, you guys, Coach needs to talk to May. 149 00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:44,279 Trust me. He is in pain. 150 00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:48,534 I'm happy and I'm healthy and I'm ready to party! 151 00:06:48,617 --> 00:06:50,661 -(NICK AND WINSTON LAUGHING) -Let's get drunk! 152 00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:51,870 -(WHOOPS) -You're wrong. 153 00:06:51,954 --> 00:06:53,372 -Coach. (CHUCKLES) -(COACH GRUNTS) 154 00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:55,457 Do you want to talk about what happened today or... 155 00:06:55,541 --> 00:06:57,334 Talk about what? Nah. (CHUCKLES) 156 00:06:57,417 --> 00:07:00,546 -(NICK AND WINSTON LAUGH) -Hey, um, actually, can you do me a favor? 157 00:07:00,629 --> 00:07:02,089 May's gonna be recording later. 158 00:07:02,172 --> 00:07:03,382 She's gonna stop by and pick up her rubber circle. 159 00:07:03,465 --> 00:07:04,675 May has a diaphragm? 160 00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:07,845 No, it's the thing that you put on the floor to stabilize the cello. 161 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,596 -Condom. -No. 162 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:12,808 No, it's the thing you put on the floor to make sure the cello stays put. 163 00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:15,269 -Cello stabilizer. -Oh, yeah. Cello stabilizer. 164 00:07:15,352 --> 00:07:18,438 Oh. Well, wouldn't you like to be here when she comes by? 165 00:07:18,522 --> 00:07:20,440 -No, that's gonna be hella weird. -(LAUGHTER) 166 00:07:20,524 --> 00:07:22,401 -I want to party! -Yeah! 167 00:07:23,026 --> 00:07:24,778 -We 'bout to... -Come on, party! 168 00:07:24,862 --> 00:07:28,907 I'm gonna do this and gonna do this, this, this, this, this. 169 00:07:29,658 --> 00:07:30,742 (SIGHS) 170 00:07:32,369 --> 00:07:33,620 What was that speech? 171 00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:36,290 I'm sorry, okay? I told you to read the statement beforehand, 172 00:07:36,373 --> 00:07:39,626 and then you told me that terrifying story about doing improv at a fat person's camp. 173 00:07:40,002 --> 00:07:43,463 I didn't know that the statement was gonna blame me for Panty-Gate. 174 00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:48,010 And by the way, for your information, the Belly Laughs did not "do" improv. 175 00:07:48,510 --> 00:07:49,803 We reinvented it. 176 00:07:50,179 --> 00:07:53,473 I know you must be embarrassed, but you saved me. 177 00:07:53,557 --> 00:07:55,350 Yeah, well, people think I'm a sicko now. 178 00:07:55,434 --> 00:07:57,269 -One of your aides spit at me. -Was it Shallon? 179 00:07:57,352 --> 00:07:59,938 Yeah, that's a lisp, but still, he's fired. 180 00:08:00,606 --> 00:08:03,150 Look, if you want to leave, I completely understand. 181 00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:04,526 But the truth is... 182 00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:07,196 I can't do this without you. 183 00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:11,033 Well, now Ponyboy is feeling very conflicted. 184 00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:13,869 Just one last photo op. You and I having a lovely evening. 185 00:08:13,952 --> 00:08:15,579 Show the press everything's back to normal. 186 00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:18,874 And then I promise it'll just all be about us. 187 00:08:18,957 --> 00:08:20,417 Could we do horizontal sex? 188 00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:22,252 -Yes. -With foreplay? 189 00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:26,673 -It's a deal-b... It's a deal-breaker. -Uh... Yeah. 190 00:08:26,757 --> 00:08:28,592 -It's a deal-breaker. Okay. -Fine, yes, fine, yes. 191 00:08:30,385 --> 00:08:33,388 Oh, God. No, please. Oh... Oh, God. 192 00:08:33,597 --> 00:08:35,390 -(KNOCKING ON DOOR) -May. 193 00:08:35,974 --> 00:08:37,142 Cece! 194 00:08:37,226 --> 00:08:38,560 So Coach and May broke up? 195 00:08:38,644 --> 00:08:40,729 Long story short, they shouldn't have broken up, 196 00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:42,731 and I am the only person that sees this. 197 00:08:42,814 --> 00:08:47,528 I realize I'm kind of an expert in love. A love doctor, if you will. 198 00:08:47,611 --> 00:08:48,904 Where are your crackers? 199 00:08:49,238 --> 00:08:50,322 Above the fridge. 200 00:08:50,405 --> 00:08:53,367 Cece, did they raise your tuition again? Why are you so hungry? 201 00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:57,079 I've decided I'm going to climb Mount Shasta. 202 00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:58,830 By yourself? 203 00:08:58,914 --> 00:09:01,416 I'm leaving for three weeks. I want to be like the woman in the book. 204 00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:04,294 I want to go on a climbing trip and find myself. 205 00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:11,051 Okay, um... Ceec, are you sure you're ready for a climbing trip? 206 00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:15,222 Jess, I just... I can't sit here and watch Schmidt with Fawn. 207 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,560 And I don't think they're breaking up any time soon, so... 208 00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:22,729 Cece, they're never gonna last. He doesn't really love her. 209 00:09:23,438 --> 00:09:24,773 Did he tell you that? 210 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:26,608 No, but... 211 00:09:26,942 --> 00:09:29,403 As a doctor of love, I sense these things. 212 00:09:29,945 --> 00:09:31,238 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 213 00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:33,115 The Love Doctor just knows. 214 00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:41,164 -May. -Hi. Uh, I'm here for my endpin anchor. 215 00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:43,959 -Yeah. -Ah, thank you. 216 00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:46,378 Very sorry to hear about the breakup. 217 00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:49,089 -Are you okay? -Um, yeah. Yeah. 218 00:09:49,173 --> 00:09:51,049 I'm here to talk if you ever need to. 219 00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:54,761 In hard times, it's nice to have a friend, May. 220 00:09:54,845 --> 00:09:56,096 Thanks... 221 00:09:56,889 --> 00:09:58,015 Jess, right? 222 00:09:58,307 --> 00:10:00,017 -Yes. -Well, uh... 223 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:01,476 I'm in the middle of a recording session. 224 00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:03,520 I got to get back to the studio, so... See ya. 225 00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:04,897 Bye. 226 00:10:07,566 --> 00:10:10,485 Yeah, Jess, she looks real broken up about it. 227 00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,323 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 228 00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:20,037 -I... I'm a mess. -I know! 229 00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:22,873 (MAY CRYING) 230 00:10:23,248 --> 00:10:24,625 (WHISPERS) The doctor is in. 231 00:10:25,417 --> 00:10:27,461 -Wait, what? -Nothing. Cry it out. 232 00:10:31,423 --> 00:10:34,301 -Mmm! Ah. -Wow. 233 00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:36,720 I've never seen Coach go this hard after a breakup, man. 234 00:10:36,929 --> 00:10:38,805 -You sure he's okay? -It's good, it's good, it's good. 235 00:10:38,889 --> 00:10:41,016 You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol, 236 00:10:41,099 --> 00:10:43,268 you treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol. 237 00:10:43,352 --> 00:10:45,562 -That's science. -I feel that, man. 238 00:10:45,646 --> 00:10:48,440 It is time to turn things up. Sidney! 239 00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:50,651 Do what you do! (CHUCKLES) 240 00:10:54,530 --> 00:10:55,864 (COUNTRY ROCK SONG PLAYING) 241 00:10:57,074 --> 00:10:58,283 Aw... 242 00:10:58,367 --> 00:10:59,743 (CHUCKLES) 243 00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:03,372 This is my jam. 244 00:11:04,915 --> 00:11:06,291 MAY: (MUFFLED) We've only been dating for a few months. 245 00:11:06,375 --> 00:11:07,751 I just thought that... 246 00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,838 That breaking up was, like, the smart thing to do, you know? 247 00:11:10,921 --> 00:11:14,466 I know you're upset, sweetie, but I... I can't understand 248 00:11:14,550 --> 00:11:16,927 anything you're saying with the crackers. 249 00:11:18,095 --> 00:11:20,973 -Do you love him? -I think I do. 250 00:11:21,223 --> 00:11:23,058 Well, then maybe moving to New York doesn't mean 251 00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:25,102 -you have to break up. -(MUFFLED) So you think 252 00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:28,438 that I should... That I should ask Coach to move with me? 253 00:11:28,522 --> 00:11:29,940 Okay, how about we put down the crackers? 254 00:11:31,859 --> 00:11:34,736 I think she wants Coach to move to New York with her. 255 00:11:34,945 --> 00:11:37,322 -Oh! Yes, yes! -I mean... 256 00:11:37,406 --> 00:11:39,449 Yeah? You... You... You think that he would say yeah? 257 00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:40,909 Yeah. Definitely. 258 00:11:40,993 --> 00:11:43,537 He's crazy about you. He had a meltdown today in health class. 259 00:11:43,954 --> 00:11:46,874 Now, the kids did learn that sex is emotionally complicated, 260 00:11:46,957 --> 00:11:48,750 so it was a good class, but trust me... 261 00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:51,628 What Jess is trying to say here is that if you... 262 00:11:52,421 --> 00:11:54,965 If you really know how you feel about someone, 263 00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,425 you need to act now. 264 00:11:57,926 --> 00:11:58,927 Wow. (LAUGHS) 265 00:11:59,011 --> 00:12:00,387 Am I really doing this? 266 00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:03,348 Yeah, but not before we clean your face, 'cause it's caked in snot. 267 00:12:04,683 --> 00:12:06,685 WINSTON: Ooh, yeah, Coach! 268 00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:08,979 Who you think he's gonna hook up with? 269 00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:10,355 It's a tough Monday crowd. It... 270 00:12:10,439 --> 00:12:13,150 It's nearly impossible to say, but I'm gonna go with the white bodysuit 271 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:16,195 and, uh, the leopard print leggings. She looks smart to me. 272 00:12:16,278 --> 00:12:17,446 WINSTON: No way. No way. 273 00:12:17,529 --> 00:12:18,989 My money's on the one with the wedding ring 274 00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:21,408 whose husband is clearly over there in the corner spying on her. 275 00:12:21,825 --> 00:12:23,160 Yeah, he's not happy about that. 276 00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:26,538 Oh, oh, ooh! Dora the Explorer 277 00:12:26,622 --> 00:12:27,748 -just entered the scene! -(LAUGHS) 278 00:12:27,831 --> 00:12:29,875 You're tiny. I like it. 279 00:12:30,667 --> 00:12:32,169 NICK: There she... Oh! For the kiss! 280 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:35,130 -Oh! -The winner. The winner. 281 00:12:35,631 --> 00:12:36,840 What the hell? 282 00:12:36,924 --> 00:12:38,091 Oh. May's here. Coach! 283 00:12:38,175 --> 00:12:40,511 (BOTH GRUNTING, GROWLING) 284 00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:41,929 (NICK AND WINSTON WHISTLING, GRUNTING) 285 00:12:42,012 --> 00:12:43,680 May here, she here! 286 00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,352 Wha... Uh, May! What are... What are you doing here? 287 00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:50,187 No, come on. 288 00:12:50,854 --> 00:12:52,022 No, no... 289 00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:54,233 WOMAN: (SINGING ON SPEAKERS) In a flash, he is gone 290 00:12:54,316 --> 00:12:55,984 It happened so soon... 291 00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,529 In case you were wondering, she, uh... 292 00:12:58,612 --> 00:13:01,823 She did get her little rubber holder thing. 293 00:13:10,249 --> 00:13:12,876 Coach, um, I wanted to apologize. 294 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,628 -Not now, honey. -He needs some time, honey. 295 00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:16,255 -I brought over a beer. -We'll take that beer. 296 00:13:16,338 --> 00:13:17,381 Give us that beer, honey. 297 00:13:19,007 --> 00:13:20,133 Sorry. 298 00:13:21,343 --> 00:13:26,473 I'm not a freaking love doctor. I'm Dr. E.D. Ote. 299 00:13:26,557 --> 00:13:27,808 (CHUCKLES) Dr. Idiot. 300 00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:31,144 Yeah, I get it. I just never understood the whole love doctor thing, anyway. 301 00:13:31,228 --> 00:13:34,273 I guess I was just hoping that with all the mistakes I've made, 302 00:13:34,356 --> 00:13:36,650 at least I could help you guys find love. 303 00:13:36,733 --> 00:13:39,486 That I didn't go through all that for no reason. 304 00:13:40,696 --> 00:13:41,989 Yeah, but no one has the answers, you know? 305 00:13:42,072 --> 00:13:44,700 It's love, it makes no sense. It's messy. 306 00:13:45,617 --> 00:13:47,578 There's no such thing as a love doctor. 307 00:13:49,580 --> 00:13:50,747 You know what, Cece? 308 00:13:51,123 --> 00:13:53,917 Go on your trip. Go get over Schmidt. 309 00:13:54,251 --> 00:13:55,419 Don't listen to me. 310 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:56,920 I'm gonna climb that mountain. 311 00:13:57,796 --> 00:13:59,089 Yeah, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. 312 00:13:59,173 --> 00:14:02,092 But I'm not gonna do it for Schmidt, I'm gonna do it for me. 313 00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:03,594 Good. Go. 314 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:05,637 -I love you, girl. -Love you, too. 315 00:14:09,808 --> 00:14:12,186 Hey, don't smile. Don't smile. 316 00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:13,604 Look sadder that you're buying underpants. 317 00:14:13,687 --> 00:14:15,105 Underpants make you very, very sad. 318 00:14:15,189 --> 00:14:17,065 Oh, I hate being here so much. 319 00:14:17,482 --> 00:14:20,110 These underpants make me so uncomfortable. 320 00:14:20,194 --> 00:14:22,863 That's perfect. There's that fat boy improv training. 321 00:14:22,946 --> 00:14:25,532 Now, next, I'm going to ask for something with a little more coverage, 322 00:14:25,616 --> 00:14:27,117 you're gonna flip out, say you can't take it anymore, 323 00:14:27,201 --> 00:14:28,202 and leave the store. 324 00:14:28,285 --> 00:14:30,495 Then tomorrow, we enter you into some kind of rehab facility. 325 00:14:30,579 --> 00:14:32,623 When you get out, we'll announce that we're getting married. 326 00:14:32,706 --> 00:14:34,583 -Married? What? I don't... -Shh. Yes. Shh. 327 00:14:35,167 --> 00:14:36,418 Yes, yes. Okay. 328 00:14:36,502 --> 00:14:39,463 So what I say is we build on this momentum, okay? 329 00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:40,756 And we get married. 330 00:14:40,839 --> 00:14:44,760 I know it's not the most romantic idea in the world, but we'd be happy. 331 00:14:44,843 --> 00:14:46,637 And then, we play our cards right, 332 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,014 you and I are living in the mayor's mansion by 2020. 333 00:14:50,349 --> 00:14:51,850 Fawn. Fawn. 334 00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:55,979 -No. -No? Oh, no to some of it? 335 00:14:56,063 --> 00:14:58,649 No to all of it. We can't get married. I barely even know you. 336 00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:01,401 -You... You know me. -The real you, Fawn. 337 00:15:01,485 --> 00:15:02,945 This is the real me. 338 00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:06,740 I'm a politician, not in The Vagina Monologues. 339 00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:10,661 I mean, what do you want? I can get you anything you want. 340 00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:13,080 -You'll be rich, I'll be powerful. -I'm realizing... 341 00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:16,625 ...just now that it's not what I want. 342 00:15:18,710 --> 00:15:20,170 I don't want any of that. 343 00:15:20,254 --> 00:15:21,463 I want to be in love. 344 00:15:22,965 --> 00:15:26,218 I want to be... I want to be crazy in love. 345 00:15:26,301 --> 00:15:27,928 Okay, well, certainly don't quote Beyoncé 346 00:15:28,011 --> 00:15:29,429 and then pretend like you just thought of it. 347 00:15:29,513 --> 00:15:32,766 -Uh, uh, I want to be drunk in love. -But that's also a Beyoncé lyric. 348 00:15:33,392 --> 00:15:34,643 Come on, Fawn. 349 00:15:35,561 --> 00:15:36,937 You're not really in love with me. 350 00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:39,898 I'm not really in love with you. 351 00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:44,570 We just look great together buying underpants. 352 00:15:46,655 --> 00:15:48,282 Are you breaking up with me? 353 00:15:50,325 --> 00:15:51,743 I guess I kind of am. 354 00:15:53,787 --> 00:15:55,205 Well, um... 355 00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:59,126 I don't want this to come out the wrong way, but... 356 00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:02,713 Does this mean I lose your vote? 357 00:16:03,255 --> 00:16:04,464 (CHUCKLES) 358 00:16:05,507 --> 00:16:06,758 Never. 359 00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:09,845 (CAMERAS CLICKING) 360 00:16:12,514 --> 00:16:15,392 (SHOUTING) I just can't stand to be in here any longer! 361 00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:18,854 Surrounded by these underpants! 362 00:16:19,438 --> 00:16:22,774 Red ones and yellow ones and blue ones and pink ones! 363 00:16:22,858 --> 00:16:26,987 And this woman with her brassiere-slash-teddy! 364 00:16:27,070 --> 00:16:29,364 Underpants everywhere! They're driving me nuts! 365 00:16:29,448 --> 00:16:31,533 I feel like I got underpants all over my body! 366 00:16:31,617 --> 00:16:34,161 Schmidt out. This is ridiculous. 367 00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:36,705 Enough is enough. Get out of here, paparazzi. 368 00:16:38,207 --> 00:16:40,667 No, leave me... Get out of my way, sir. 369 00:16:52,179 --> 00:16:53,847 -I just want to say something. -No. 370 00:16:53,931 --> 00:16:54,973 And then I'll leave. 371 00:16:55,057 --> 00:16:57,684 Look, I'll never get involved in your personal life ever again. 372 00:16:57,935 --> 00:17:00,187 Okay? Because I have no idea what I'm talking about. 373 00:17:00,270 --> 00:17:01,313 And I know that now. 374 00:17:01,396 --> 00:17:03,649 You could just... You could just troll for basic bitches 375 00:17:03,732 --> 00:17:06,193 at the juice bar, and I will say, mmm, nothing. 376 00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:09,238 Okay? So, look, I was wrong, and I'm sorry. 377 00:17:09,321 --> 00:17:10,489 I do love her. 378 00:17:13,951 --> 00:17:16,620 -I'm crazy about her. -Yes! I was right! 379 00:17:16,995 --> 00:17:19,581 (LAUGHS) Love Doctor! I'm back. 380 00:17:19,665 --> 00:17:21,583 Really? I thought it was just a regular breakup. 381 00:17:21,750 --> 00:17:24,294 But in all fairness, I hadn't thought about it that hard. 382 00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:26,046 I mean, what do I do, man? 383 00:17:26,588 --> 00:17:28,715 You know, it's like she's going to New York. 384 00:17:28,799 --> 00:17:30,008 -Yup. -I can't go to New York with her. 385 00:17:30,133 --> 00:17:31,176 That's crazy. You know? 386 00:17:31,260 --> 00:17:33,053 I like my sun on the right and my ocean on the left. 387 00:17:33,804 --> 00:17:36,640 It's a rule of mine. Plus, I'd have to leave you guys. 388 00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:40,394 Can't leave you guys, I mean, I finally have a home. 389 00:17:44,815 --> 00:17:47,359 All right, flash forward to the future. 390 00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,696 40, 50 years. 391 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:54,324 -You're married. Kids, grandkids. -Mmm-hmm. 392 00:17:54,408 --> 00:17:55,617 -I'm long dead. -Naturally. 393 00:17:55,701 --> 00:17:57,369 -Of course. -And you look over 394 00:17:57,452 --> 00:17:58,745 to the woman sitting next to you. 395 00:17:59,454 --> 00:18:00,789 And she's gray. 396 00:18:01,415 --> 00:18:03,417 -She's old. -She has that, like, grandma smell. 397 00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:05,836 -You have a grandpa smell, but you got... -Grandmas always smell like... 398 00:18:06,461 --> 00:18:07,754 Like right when you open a cupboard. 399 00:18:07,838 --> 00:18:10,340 -Yeah, she has that smell, but... -Mmm-hmm. 400 00:18:10,424 --> 00:18:11,633 ...you love her. 401 00:18:12,342 --> 00:18:13,468 Be honest with yourself. 402 00:18:13,552 --> 00:18:15,762 Is that fat old lady sitting beside you... 403 00:18:15,846 --> 00:18:18,056 Mmm... Honestly, right now, in my head, I'm just picturing, like, 404 00:18:18,390 --> 00:18:20,058 a beanbag chair with a wig on it. 405 00:18:20,142 --> 00:18:22,686 Okay. We have gone too much into the description. 406 00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:25,105 -Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Is that May? 407 00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:30,027 I think so. 408 00:18:32,696 --> 00:18:33,906 Well, that's big. 409 00:18:35,657 --> 00:18:36,783 Let's go get her. 410 00:18:36,867 --> 00:18:37,868 -Yeah? -Yeah. 411 00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:38,994 -JESS: Whoo-hoo! -Let's go get May. 412 00:18:39,077 --> 00:18:40,078 Yeah! 413 00:18:40,704 --> 00:18:42,706 Hey, Jess, she texted me back! The blank bubble worked! 414 00:18:44,750 --> 00:18:47,127 Guys? Have you seen my white friends? 415 00:18:48,086 --> 00:18:49,880 In 40 years, when we're old and... 416 00:18:49,963 --> 00:18:52,132 -Do it. -...a mess of fat, 417 00:18:52,549 --> 00:18:55,594 loose skin hanging, I have boobs, 418 00:18:55,677 --> 00:18:57,304 and you've got hair on your face... 419 00:18:57,721 --> 00:18:59,640 Holding my rock sack while I'm sitting on the toilet 420 00:18:59,723 --> 00:19:01,266 so it doesn't fall in the water. 421 00:19:01,350 --> 00:19:03,018 What are you saying? 422 00:19:03,101 --> 00:19:06,772 I'm saying, as you get older, your testicles lengthen. 423 00:19:07,439 --> 00:19:09,024 -(SCOFFS) -No, what I'm saying is I love you. 424 00:19:09,525 --> 00:19:10,567 -Oh. -And that I would be 425 00:19:10,651 --> 00:19:14,863 a fool if I let you leave to New York without even fighting for us. 426 00:19:20,953 --> 00:19:21,995 Ernie... 427 00:19:23,372 --> 00:19:24,540 I love you, too. 428 00:19:26,542 --> 00:19:29,962 -But I... I can't stay here. -I don't want you to stay here. 429 00:19:30,045 --> 00:19:33,882 Um... Look, I know we haven't been dating that long, 430 00:19:33,966 --> 00:19:36,844 and, um, this might seem crazy, but I was won... 431 00:19:36,927 --> 00:19:38,470 Will you move to New York with me? 432 00:19:38,762 --> 00:19:40,639 Yes! That! That's what I... 433 00:19:40,722 --> 00:19:42,349 -Yes? -Yeah, that's what I wanted to do, yeah. 434 00:19:42,432 --> 00:19:44,017 -(SQUEALS) -Right. So, we're moving to New York? 435 00:19:44,101 --> 00:19:46,061 -We're moving to New York. -We're moving to New York! 436 00:19:46,144 --> 00:19:47,646 -Jersey City. -What? 437 00:19:47,729 --> 00:19:49,690 -Jersey City! -Jersey... I don't... 438 00:19:54,194 --> 00:19:55,737 Well, this is all you, Jess. 439 00:19:56,029 --> 00:19:57,698 -This is all you. -Come on. 440 00:19:57,906 --> 00:19:59,867 I mean it. If Coach were hanging out with me, 441 00:19:59,950 --> 00:20:01,994 we'd be beating up a priest right now. 442 00:20:02,077 --> 00:20:04,454 (LAUGHS) You had a lot to do with this, too. 443 00:20:05,163 --> 00:20:06,623 No, really. All that stuff about 444 00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:09,126 "Who do you see yourself next to?" 445 00:20:09,751 --> 00:20:12,379 That's... That's really good. Do you do that? 446 00:20:14,256 --> 00:20:17,050 Who... Who do you see yourself next to? 447 00:20:19,219 --> 00:20:20,304 Winston mostly. 448 00:20:20,387 --> 00:20:23,348 Ah. Yeah, me, too, actually. 449 00:20:23,432 --> 00:20:24,641 (BOTH LAUGH) 450 00:20:24,725 --> 00:20:27,227 I just see a really old Winston. (CHUCKLES) 451 00:20:27,311 --> 00:20:29,730 Eating handfuls of birdseed out of the bag. 452 00:20:30,689 --> 00:20:32,232 He gets really into birds. 453 00:20:33,150 --> 00:20:35,694 Hey! Play some music! Play some music! 454 00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:40,949 (PLAYING ROMANTIC CLASSICAL MUSIC) 455 00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:53,837 -I'm sorry about Fawn. -Yeah, sorry, buddy. 456 00:20:53,921 --> 00:20:55,214 Yeah, you guys were good together. 457 00:20:55,297 --> 00:20:57,049 -She was fine. -Okay, that's enough. 458 00:20:57,132 --> 00:20:58,675 -I know you guys didn't like her. -Hated her guts. 459 00:20:58,759 --> 00:20:59,760 So much! 460 00:20:59,843 --> 00:21:01,178 JESS: Wait. What are we watching right now? 461 00:21:01,553 --> 00:21:02,971 That girl just took her boobs out! 462 00:21:03,055 --> 00:21:05,933 -Nick, why are you watching smut? -It was already in the DVD player. 463 00:21:06,016 --> 00:21:08,018 -I didn't want to get up and get it. -Schmidt, are you sitting on my pillow? 464 00:21:08,101 --> 00:21:09,102 Who leaves porn in the DVD? 465 00:21:09,186 --> 00:21:10,437 What's it doing out here in the first place? 466 00:21:10,521 --> 00:21:11,688 The only thing we use it for. Might as well just leave it in. 467 00:21:11,772 --> 00:21:13,232 I'm sleeping on the couch. Furguson and I are fighting. 468 00:21:13,315 --> 00:21:14,358 SCHMIDT: Why is that pillow wet? 469 00:21:14,441 --> 00:21:15,776 NICK: It's a good story. Let's just watch and see what happens. 470 00:21:15,859 --> 00:21:17,152 What are you smiling at? 471 00:21:18,570 --> 00:21:19,655 Nothing. 472 00:21:20,405 --> 00:21:22,491 For crying out loud, take this soft-core off the TV right now. 473 00:21:22,574 --> 00:21:23,867 -Why is this pillow wet? -Furguson... 474 00:21:23,951 --> 00:21:26,078 Jess, I have to see how the story ends. 475 00:21:26,161 --> 00:21:27,162 There isn't any plot! 476 00:21:27,246 --> 00:21:28,372 This is the wrong time to stop this, trust me. 477 00:21:28,455 --> 00:21:30,249 Get you and your wet pillow and your big old legs out of here. 478 00:21:30,332 --> 00:21:32,292 Nick, I know you want that. I don't want to eat that. 479 00:21:32,376 --> 00:21:34,586 Get that damn pizza out of my mouth! 480 00:21:34,670 --> 00:21:35,879 (LAUGHTER) 37746

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