All language subtitles for New.Girl.S04E19.The.Right.Thing.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-MiU_track4_[eng]

Ugh! Can you believe this guy?

Pete is over an hour late
for our brunch date.

-Pete? Who's Pete?
-Oh, it's this dude who goes to my gym.

Thought Jess could use a man

with a little muscle for a change,
so I set 'em up.

Not gonna marry him, but I'm having fun.
(CHUCKLES) Knock, knock. Who's there?

Orange. Hang on a second, Orange.

I'm gonna send a sext to Pete,
which I did.

My first one ever. Want to see?
It's super hot.

I don't want to, uh...

Okay, that's just
a picture of you in a bra over a T-shirt

Holding a sign that says
"Property of Pete."

-Not a sext.
-I'm wearing a bra!

-No, that's like a glorified selfie.
-You can see the bra.

-Nope.
-(SCOFFS) I bet he saw this,

and he was like,

(IN LOW VOICE) "Oh, delicious."

-You want him to say that?
-I have to agree,

-because the true nature...
-(PHONE BEEPS)

...of eroticism is what is not shown.

COACH: I never get sexts.

(GASPS SOFTLY)

What are you taking?

Just some, uh... motion sickness pill.
It's a mild sedative.

My mom just landed.
That's unrelated.

Oh, my God, your mom's here?

-I'm so excited to meet her.
-You probably won't. She's busy.

-But maybe, hopefully, I doubt it.
-I can't believe I've never met her.

You know, we get together
and we laugh and...

(SIGHS) She tells me all the ways
that I could be better at things,

and then I do them, but not right.

Oh, it's fun. We have... We have fun.

You know,
I wish I had fun with my partner.

Wow, every time I ask Aly to hang out,

-she's always like, "Nah."
-Hey, Schmidty, vamos.

I want to show you a surprise
investment opportunity.

Surprise, Nick?
I'm telling you right now,

if it is a boat, I'm gonna be so psyched!

I literally just got new boat shoes.

(SPUTTERS) Standing here
like a damn jabroni.

He hasn't even answered any of my texts.

-He hasn't?
-You don't think he's...

-(BOTH GASPING)
-He is blowing you off!

-He best not be!
-Hell no!

-You guys are getting riled up, huh?
-We are gonna march right over there,

and we all right gonna
find out what's happening!

Let's go.

-(DOOR CLOSES)
-(GROANS)

Turns out that Pete had a very good
excuse for not showing up.

He died.

What?

WINSTON: (SINGING)
Just got out of the shower

Guess who cleaned everything?
Guess who got in deep?

What?

A motorcycle accident?
I didn't even know Pete rode one.

He didn't. Apparently,
he was thinking about getting one,

and he slipped and fell
on the showroom floor.

COACH: Oh...

Buffed floors...
Beautiful, but at what cost?

The first guy I sext dies.

I should go to the memorial, right?

Jess, don't make this
about yourself, all right?

-You went on two dates with the guy.
-I was one of the last people to text him.

On Earth.

Look, you didn't even have sex
with him, okay? You're fine.

So if I'd slept with him, I'd go.

-Or if you'd gone skiing together.
-Mmm-hmm, yeah.

-What are these rules?
-COACH: Just don't go.

'Cause if you go,
then I'm gonna feel weird

about not going, and I ain't going.

Yeah, just come and have
a mani-pedi with me.

I'm going. It's the right thing to do.

Oh, so if I don't go,
I'm a bad person now?

-Cece.
-Mmm-hmm.

I'm surprised.
I thought you, of all people,

would want to accompany your best friend

to the funeral of a guy she texted, but...

I guess not.

Ta-da!

What do you mean?
What is ta-da? We drove here together

and parked before you covered my eyes.
What is the surprise investment, Nick?

The bar.

Mike's selling us 10%.

I really need the cash.

I got swindled
by a young gay roller skater.

A rink twink.

I know what a rink twink is, Mike.

Hey, 20 thou and we are part owners, okay?
I've done my research.

There's a consistent revenue
and no startup costs.

-You're really serious about this, huh?
-I really want this, man.

-Good. I want this, too.
-Good.

Where are we gonna get 20 grand from?

Well, we got the ten grand
we made on the Swuit.

Maybe do we have any rich friends
we can borrow money from?

Well, let's think about it.
There's the middle school

vice principal, there's the cop,
the gym teacher.

Let's not forget about
the community college student.

-Whew, lot of options.
-Yeah.

-It's tough, it's frustrating.
-Yeah, huh... Damn it.

Schimdty just had an idea.
I know that face.

Give it to me, give it to me.

What are you thinking, big cat?
What are you thinking, big cat?

I just...

Just keep thinking...
now, if we own it, don't be kicking it.

Just... Yeah, oh.

Aah!

-Ouch.
-Okay.

Hey, pal, uh, what's happening?

My mom still owes me
my bar mitzvah money.

I mean, we can ask her,
but, you know, she's...

-Pushy, overbearing, controlling.
-So, what? Oh, she's a typical Jewish mom?

It's anti-Semitic
when you say it like that.

So... So what, she likes to get involved?
That's great, you know.

I don't feel very comfortable
when I'm around her.

Well, boo-hoo, she thinks
you want to have sex with her.

Try learning about the birds
and the bees from her

using a doughnut and a banana.

By the way, neither one of which
are used for what you think they are.

How could that be?

Hey, want to grab a bite later?

You know it, partner. (LAUGHS)

Hey, Aly, uh,
want to grab a beer after work?

Ooh...

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

(GROANING)

Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya.

Ooh.

(HUMMING)

(GRUNTING)

(CLICKING TONGUE)

Uh, ooh.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh...

-No.
-Oh, come on.

Not work related, not interested, Bishop.

We're professionals, not friends.

Oh, God. Here we go. Showtime.

-Mama!
-No!

I was meeting my little boy,
not this handsome movie star.

What are you doing with these?
Why would you hide your hazels?

(LAUGHS) Hi, sweetheart. Oh!

Hey, Louise, it's really good to see you.

I bet it is. Tape it down, Miller.

-Tape it?
-Here, look at your baby brother.

How handsome is Reggie?
Give him a kiss.

Kiss your brother. Give him a kiss.

Give him a kiss. He loves it.
Kiss him, kiss him.

Okay, give him a scratch.
He loves a scratch.

He loves a scratch.

Can I get an alcohol?

So, how's Susan?

Susan's my-my mom's work friend
who she lives with.

Susan cuts her own firewood.

-Susan's my girlfriend.
-That's what I said, your work friend.

She's good. We just got a new mattress.

So work's been more comfortable.

(CHUCKLING)

What? What... What now?

-Is it my sweater? Is it too dark?
-It might be. Here.

-You got... You got me a sweater?
-Mmm-hmm. Now that's nice.

That's nice. Try it on.

-I'm trying. I'm putting it on right now.
-It goes over your head.

He's putting a sweater on a sweater?

-Get over it.
-Get over it.

That's nice, very nice.

Thank you so much. I love this so much.

Schmidt, isn't there something
you want to ask your mother about?

Well, I did...
I did want to ask you about...

Your voice is wavering.
Here, have some chocolate.

-No, Mom, I'm okay. Thank you.
-Have it.

Here, have it, have it, have it.

-I'll just have one.
-Have it, have it. Have it, have it.

-There you go.
-I do love it. Hmm!

So, I... What I was thinking about was...

Uh...

My bar mitzvah money.

-Can I have it?
-Oh, my God! Of course you can! Yes.

Oh, that was... Yeah, so easy.

As soon as you write your thank-you notes.

You didn't forget, did you?
He never did his thank-you cards.

Mom, I just thought that you know,
that was so long ago...

-Well, you know.
-If I just gave you the money,

what kind of lesson would that be?

You finish your cards, you get the money.
That's fair, isn't it?

You didn't finish your thank-you cards?

There's a hat in the bag, too.
Try it on.

Put it on.

That's very nice.
Take it off, you're in a restaurant.

Sure about this?
It's not too late to bail.

We're going.
It's the right thing to do.

Look, we'll be in and out
of there in five minutes.

It'll be so packed, no one will notice.

(WHISPERING) The right thing to do.

Is it?

...and, uh, Pete said,
"If you gotta puke, Duffy, just puke."

Almost time to tell the story
about your close friend Pete.

I'm just gonna tell the truth.
We went on a few dates. That's it.

I'm Val, Pete's girlfriend.

(SOBS) I'm sorry.

Would you mind going?
How did you know Pete?

(CLEARS THROAT SOFTLY)

Um, from work. We worked together.

You're a sports agent, too?

-Wow...
-Yep.

Okay, we got a lot of thank-you cards
to write and not a lot of time.

Let's get into it. I'll start, okay?
Let's go, here we go.

"To whom it may...

"concern..."

-To... To whom it may concern?
-I'm on a vibe.

Nick, these need to have personal details.
My mom is gonna check them.

All right, then get me the guest list.

Where have you imagined
that I've been holding

onto the guest list for all these years?

Just carrying it around in my wallet?
This is impossible.

This is gonna take
some serious detective work.

(CHUCKLES)

It's a good thing I can call backup.

-Hey.
-You said this was a work thing.

It is a work thing.
It's a work-style thing.

You see, we need your skills
to solve a cold case.

(HIP-HOP PLAYING)

ALY: Hey, you want your bar mitzvah money?
Tell me her name.

-I don't remember.
-I don't believe you!

Just relax. Relax. Here, Schmidt.
Sip that.

Want to hear the music again?

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

All right, there we go.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, you're 13-years-old,
everybody's feeling it...

(SINGING)
Motown Philly's back again...

-Enough. What was her name?
-Sharon Rosenberg!

Okay. 257 Sea Cove Drive, 11021.

Okay. "Dear Mrs. Rosenberg...
Thank you for the check."

-I need a personal detail!
-Personal detail!

-She had a pool.
-"Cannonball!

-"Love, Schmidt."
-WINSTON: Cannonball!

Okay, Schmidt. All right, Schmidt.

-Who's this guy?
-SCHMIDT: I don't know, Winston.

It's too far away, I can't tell.

Uh... Enhance, enhance, enhance...
Okay, too far, too far.

Dehance, dehance.

-Scott Rubenstein!
-Scott Rubenstein.

My mom's CPA.

Scott Rubenstein...

Deceased.

-Yes!
-Yes!

Love the dead ones.

You know, Pete wasn't just a sports agent.
He understood sports.

Like, he knew the rules, all of them.

Offsides, unnecessary bumping.

what happens if you hit a bird
with the ball you throw...

Excuse... Excuse me.
Can I, uh, borrow her for a second?

Thank you.

-What's up?
-Uh... What the hell are you doing?

I'm trying to save
that poor girl's feelings.

If she knew the truth,
it would shatter her.

-I am going to the nail salon, okay? Bye.
-Cece...

-I'm out.
-Hey, wait! Guys, wait.

No, stop... Guys.

The only sport I know is Ricky Ball,

and I'm pretty sure
my friend Ricky made that up.

No. Lying about who you are
is not the right thing to do.

-I am going.
-Coach...

-(WHIMPERING)
-Is this, uh...

Is this Pete's thing? He was my agent.

Of course he was.

Who else would represent NFL star JJ Watt?

Uh, Pete was my best friend and, uh...

God, it's good to see you.

Wouldn't the couch be better over there?
All that light?

Or do you like to live
like a radish, underground?

So we worked really hard on the...
On the cards.

Let's see what we got.

Okay.

But you know what would be better?

Connie's into gardening.
You should mention that.

And if you really want your card to pop,

you can use a nice fountain pen
on silver stationery.

And you should sign your full name,
not just Schmidt.

I mean, you have a lovely first name.

Great! I'll just make
all those changes, Mom!

-(DOOR SLAMS)
-Okay.

You're not getting me into your pants,
you little jackhammer.

Oh, I don't want you in my pants, Louise.

-Okay.
-Okay.

Okay.

-So then Pete says to...
-Allen Iverson.

"...you want to keep sportsing on the..."

"Grizzlies."

"...but if you want me
to show you the money, then..."

"You gotta finish your career
off with the '76ers!"

-(CHUCKLES)
-And it was classic Pete.

It's so nice to remember work
as more than just a thing

that kept Pete on the phone all the time.

You're very welcome.

Oh, Val, you should have Pete's phone.

All those memories and photos...

It's in the garage with all his stuff.

I'll give it to you before you go.

-VAL: Thank you.
-Mmm-hmm.

Okay, we gotta find that phone
before Val sees the sext.

Yes, it is the right thing to do.

Like I've said all along.
I got a good thing going

with JJ and I'm not gonna let you ruin it.

That's the funeral spirit.

What are you guys doing in here?

-What are you doing here?
-I'm looking for Pete's phone.

So are we! Did you sext him, too?

No. I fired Pete over text,

so I didn't want to crush his family.
That's why I'm at the memorial.

Not because it was the right thing to do?

No. No. I mean,
we never even went skiing.

Who makes up these rules?

Now...

What are you guys doing out here?

-Um...
-Singing.

What?

We like to sing.

Together. About...

-Sports.
-Food.

Sports foods.

That's fun. It's...

Would you guys...

Would it be putting you on the spot

-if I asked you to do one?
-I think that wouldn't be appropriate.

COACH: Actually, yes.
I feel like it's a little...

(SINGING)
Hot dogs

Hot dogs...

(SINGING)
Everybody loves hot dogs

-(SINGING) Hot dogs
-Dogs

Everybody's favorite treat is hot dogs

Hot dogs

Pretzels!

Whoa, partner! Wait up! (LAUGHS)

That work-style thing was pretty fun.
Let's parlay that into a beer.

My buddy has a bar he works at,
down the street.

It's carpeted, so...

Bishop, what don't you get?

No.

-(SUV DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)
-(ENGINE STARTS)

Are you okay?

Oh, hey, man. Thanks.

-Yeah, I don't know, man. It's just...
-(SHUSHES)

I'm talking to a ladybug.

Squeeze my hand!

Just one more push! You're almost there!
The first child is always the hardest!

Hey, bud.

-Hard candy?
-Is it butterscotch?

No, 'cause we're friggin' strangers.

(LAUGHS) "Is it butterscotch?"

So, you freaked out a little back there,
didn't you?

Not to use some popsicle psychology...

"Popsicle psychology"?

Yeah, it's pop psychology for short.

'Cause, you know,

you eat the popsicle
and you love it so much

and then you're stuck
holding the-the stick?

You get it. you get it.

-Not really, but...
-I think you have

some pent-up resentment
towards your mom.

She's trying to control you!

She treats you like a little baby
who can't do anything for himself.

That's why I never wrote
the cards in the first place.

Go tell that to your mom!

She'll understand.

I don't understand.

The couch looks good here though,
doesn't it?

It opens up the whole room.

Louise, I think what your boy
is trying to say is...

Shut it, Nick.

Honey, why do you hang out with him?

You know Nancy Borkow?
Her son just moved to L.A.

He wrote a movie script for the movies.

I can connect you.
You need better friends!

Enough, Mom!

You don't get to choose my friends!
You don't get to choose anything!

Because this is my life!

It's my dream and nothing's
gonna stop me now!

It feels like that's from something.
It feels like, it feels like...

(SINGING)
My life

It's from a movie or something.

-Yeah, I think it's a song. It's a song.
-Like some sort of song, right?

-It's the Perfect Stranger theme.
-Well, you know, it doesn't matter!

You know, we did a good job
with those cards, Mom.

And we don't need any of your money.

Whoa, we're all being very emotional.
Let's just slow everything...

I'm moving the couch back!

Gosh!

Did you nail that thing down?

That's... You move that all by yourself?
I'm an adult man, Mom.

And Nick is my best friend
in the whole wide world.

And we're gonna buy a small portion
of that bar without any of your help.

-(SIGHS)
-(DOOR SLAMS)

And also, there's some leftover
chili in the fridge if you get hungry,

and, please, make sure

to put a plate over it before
you put it in the microwave.

I don't want it to splatter everywhere!

(SINGING)
And that's why they call it

The out-of-peanuts

Blues...

(SINGING)
Stadium taco

Thank you guys for being
a bright spot on my sad day.

-(SCREAMS)
-Aah!

-Shucks!
-Sorry! I thought I saw Pete's ghost!

It was a paint can. (LAUGHS)

-(ALL CHUCKLE)
-Are you sure about...

Ugh! We gotta find this phone.

-And get the hell out of here.
-Okay, it's ringing.

Can anybody hear it?

-(PHONE RINGING)
-Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

There's another box.

What the hell... "Property of Pete"?

He made my sext his caller I.D.?

This is a sext?

JJ fired him over text!

After the day I had, I needed this.

Me, too.

What happened?

I know you were talking to yourself.

Now you're talking to a stranger.
Get over it.

Is that a crime in California?
What happened?

I got dragged to a random dude's funeral.

-Who dragged you?
-My friend. She always thinks

she knows what's best.

-Who's your friend... Me?
-(BOTH LAUGH)

No.

I got accused of that today by my son.

He's tired of me babying him.

But he's my baby,
so what am I supposed to do?

Maybe you have to let go a little.

This is why strangers talk.
You're a genius.

Want to see a picture of my son?
He's handsome.

Nah. I'm kind of in love with my ex, so...

All right, you can't date him anyway.

You're not Jewish,
so over my dead body and all that.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Today was not a win for me.

It's the right thing to do.

I don't even know what that means.

-Well, you made today about yourself.
-Mmm.

Not to use popcorn psychology,
but it's human nature.

You know? Soon as I saw JJ walk in,
I was, like,

"JJ WATT, BE MY BEST FRIEND."

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(SIGHS)

I got to do something.
Should I tell Aly off? Uh...

Put in for a new partner?
What's the right thing to do here?

I can say with 100% certainty
I have no idea.

Look at you. I'm proud of you.

-I learned from the best.
-That's awesome.

What a wonderful moment
we're having today!

You know what? I'll figure it out myself.
Thank you.

This is from that sixth grader over there.

(SOFTLY) What...

Aly, what are you doing here?

I just wanted to explain. Look...

I hung out a lot with my last partner.
And we got close and...

-You shot him?
-What?

-He died?
-No.

Oh, my goodness... Is he...
Did he survive?

What are you talking about?

How did you partner die?

He didn't die!

So, what's your point?

He just fell in love with me!

-Oh... Oh! Oh!
-Yeah.

-Ooh...
-And it messed everything up.

And I just don't want
that to happen again.

Damn, you're conceited!

Don't nobody want your babies.

I know that now!

I mean, you brought me to your loft
and showed me a bar mitzvah video.

-Friends?
-Cool, cool.

Just, uh...
Don't go falling in love with me.

-'Cause I'm lovable as hell.
-Okay. I think I'll be okay.

All right.

Another!

(WHOOPS)

Oh, my.

Michael...

We'd like to buy your share of the bar.

And although we don't
have the full $20,000 at the present...

-You don't have the money? No.
-But we're the right guys.

No, the right guys
would have the money.

Or Kieran Culkin's mouth.

How about Owen Wilson's nose?

-(GROANS)
-Mom?

Oh, my God!
Schmidt, is this your mom?

Hi. I've heard so much about you.
How's Long Island?

-Any cute Schmidt stories?
-I need less from you.

Okay.

I met a Mexican woman
at the nail salon who made me realize

I need to let go.

You're a man.

And you deserve your bar mitzvah money.

Thanks, Mom.

Mike, we want to buy your 10% of the bar.

This bar?

There's a dying catfish laying
on the sidewalk out front!

This would be a hilarious time
for me to back out...

-But okay.
-Yes! We're part owners!

BOTH: (CHANTING) We're part owners!

How great is this moment?

I just think you'd be more of a success
socially if you let people come to you.

You know what's fun?

I'm not gonna be able to sleep
until we're best friends.

(GROANS)

Nick, can you believe it?
You're a bar owner. I'm so proud of you.

None of this would've happened

-without Schmidt standing up to his mom.
-It was so scary.

I can't believe I missed her.

We still can use
the other 90% of the bar, right?

-Yes.
-You know that's not how it works, right?

This is just my favorite section.

-I wanted to...
-It's a financial share.

NICK: To Schmidt's mom,
who I do want to have sex with!

SCHMIDT: Nick!