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1
00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:04,463
Friends, ex-girlfriend, Winston,
2
00:00:04,546 --> 00:00:06,757
months ago I warned you
that winter was coming.
3
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:08,217
And for the cold and wretched
days ahead,
4
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:10,177
I stressed our need to take lovers
5
00:00:10,260 --> 00:00:12,179
-and take them quickly.
-Your head is huge.
6
00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:15,015
(CHUCKLES) Your hat's
the size of a garbage can.
7
00:00:15,098 --> 00:00:17,017
You look great in that hat, man.
What a hunk.
8
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:18,894
You look like Jewish Pharrell.
9
00:00:18,977 --> 00:00:20,479
Th-Thank you very much.
I appreciate it. Okay.
10
00:00:20,562 --> 00:00:22,231
Now, winter is now here.
11
00:00:22,314 --> 00:00:24,483
And I vow that we will not miss
12
00:00:24,566 --> 00:00:28,070
our final opportunity
for sexual realization in 2014.
13
00:00:28,153 --> 00:00:29,655
Did you steal my belt buckle,
you Silly Billy?
14
00:00:29,738 --> 00:00:30,739
Enough out of you, Winston!
15
00:00:30,822 --> 00:00:32,366
Silly Billy? Dude.
16
00:00:32,449 --> 00:00:34,785
If you unzipped your face
and an old white woman popped out,
17
00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:36,245
I would not be shocked.
18
00:00:36,328 --> 00:00:37,621
-Really?
-No.
19
00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:39,039
I would.
I would be very surprised.
20
00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:42,584
That is why this year we will
not be celebrating Thanksgiving.
21
00:00:42,668 --> 00:00:44,878
Instead, we will be celebrating...
22
00:00:44,962 --> 00:00:46,922
Remember last Thanksgiving
when I almost died?
23
00:00:47,005 --> 00:00:49,174
-Oh, yeah.
-(ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
24
00:00:49,258 --> 00:00:51,927
Bangsgiving! We'll be
celebrating Bangsgiving!
25
00:00:52,010 --> 00:00:54,930
Why can't you let me just have
this, you guys? Please.
26
00:00:55,013 --> 00:00:57,599
Okay. You've been talking about
this for, like, a week, Schmidt.
27
00:00:57,683 --> 00:00:59,434
We get it. Let's just pick names already.
28
00:00:59,518 --> 00:01:01,895
Jess, I can't believe that you are
into Bangsgiving.
29
00:01:01,979 --> 00:01:04,231
I just want to meet a guy
so I can forget about Ryan.
30
00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:05,691
-Just date him, Jess.
-'Cause I'm his boss,
31
00:01:05,774 --> 00:01:07,276
and it's against the rules
for me to date him.
32
00:01:07,359 --> 00:01:08,944
Just date him. It's a dumb rule.
33
00:01:09,027 --> 00:01:10,696
-It's against the rules.
-Take the hat.
34
00:01:10,779 --> 00:01:13,240
-Oh.
-Now, whosever name you pick,
35
00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:14,700
that's who you'll be bringing a date for.
36
00:01:14,783 --> 00:01:17,035
And no date leaves until everyone is laid.
37
00:01:17,119 --> 00:01:18,287
I just want to meet a nice fella.
38
00:01:18,370 --> 00:01:19,872
Can I have permission
to send them home
39
00:01:19,955 --> 00:01:21,123
-without sex?
-No, you do not.
40
00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:23,083
I think everybody's date
should be able to leave.
41
00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:25,043
Yeah, your plan sounds a little kidnappy.
42
00:01:25,127 --> 00:01:26,295
What's the rule on that, Winston?
43
00:01:26,378 --> 00:01:27,629
Eh, gray area. We're good.
44
00:01:27,713 --> 00:01:30,757
Winston is in. My man.
And, okay, nobody say who you picked.
45
00:01:30,841 --> 00:01:32,009
It'll ruin the surprise.
46
00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:36,847
Oh, crap. You picked me.
47
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:39,057
No! How'd you know?
48
00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:40,893
And now you're gonna set me up
with you, aren't you?
49
00:01:40,976 --> 00:01:42,311
Cece, I-I know that this holiday
50
00:01:42,394 --> 00:01:44,146
is a bittersweet memory
for your people,
51
00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:45,731
-but, please, do not take that out on me.
-Wrong kind of Indian.
52
00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:47,316
Okay, well, I picked you, too,
so I want to re-pick.
53
00:01:47,399 --> 00:01:48,692
No re-picking.
And no more telling.
54
00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:51,653
So, listen up, uh,
for whoever picked me,
55
00:01:51,737 --> 00:01:54,323
I just want you to know that I have
really gotten into feet lately,
56
00:01:54,406 --> 00:01:56,783
so do with that what you will.
57
00:01:56,867 --> 00:01:58,035
No one do anything with that.
58
00:01:58,118 --> 00:01:59,328
Can I just say no mustaches?
59
00:01:59,411 --> 00:02:00,996
-I'd like someone tall.
-She's got to have an ass.
60
00:02:01,079 --> 00:02:02,080
Can I just reiterate the whole feet thing?
61
00:02:02,164 --> 00:02:03,874
I want to say who I picked so bad.
62
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:06,168
I'm looking for a fake redhead.
With a medium-sized neck.
63
00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:08,545
I just want to be slapped around.
64
00:02:09,421 --> 00:02:11,048
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
65
00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:20,307
So, Pearl, I told Winston
that you work at my school.
66
00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:22,518
And, um, Winston is about
to become a cop,
67
00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:25,020
which you've probably
already gathered from the fact
68
00:02:25,103 --> 00:02:27,147
that he pinned his badge
to his sport coat.
69
00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:28,982
What? (CHUCKLES)
70
00:02:29,066 --> 00:02:30,734
How did that get there?
71
00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:32,152
Let me freshen your drink.
(CHUCKLES)
72
00:02:32,236 --> 00:02:33,904
Excuse me a second.
73
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,156
(WHISPERING) Hey, Coach. Coach.
74
00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:37,533
Look at what Jess brought me.
75
00:02:37,616 --> 00:02:39,034
Oh, Pearl?
Yeah, she's great, man.
76
00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:40,410
Hey, come here.
You got something on your face.
77
00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:41,912
-Really? What is it?
-It's, like, right...
78
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:42,996
-Ow.
-What were you thinking,
79
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:44,289
bringing me that girl
from the police academy?
80
00:02:44,373 --> 00:02:45,374
What's wrong with Pepper?
81
00:02:45,457 --> 00:02:46,583
Allow me...
82
00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:48,335
(CHUCKLES) Arms!
83
00:02:48,418 --> 00:02:50,546
She's jacked, dude.
You should've warned me
84
00:02:50,629 --> 00:02:52,589
you were setting me up with one
of the Guardians of the Galaxy.
85
00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:54,341
I'm sure she's not that bad.
86
00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:56,385
Whoa.
87
00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:57,970
Where was she
when I was cracking walnuts
88
00:02:58,053 --> 00:02:59,096
for the stuffing?
89
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:01,223
Look, she's fantastic. She's beautiful.
You're gonna love her.
90
00:03:01,306 --> 00:03:03,016
Now, if you jerks will excuse me,
91
00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:05,310
this Bishop's got to
capture himself a queen.
92
00:03:05,394 --> 00:03:06,728
She's doing push-ups.
93
00:03:07,646 --> 00:03:08,939
For your lady.
94
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,232
Thank you.
Thank you very much, Jess.
95
00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:12,442
-Pearl, she's...
-Yeah, she's great.
96
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:16,196
-What grade does she teach?
-She doesn't teach. She's the lunch lady.
97
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:20,450
-(CHUCKLES) You said the lunch lady?
-Yeah.
98
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:23,996
So where exactly is this "date" of mine?
99
00:03:24,079 --> 00:03:26,582
All right, I invited Lucy, like you asked.
100
00:03:26,665 --> 00:03:29,251
Your date's name is Geoff
and he will be here.
101
00:03:29,334 --> 00:03:30,794
By the way, he spells Geoff with a "G,"
102
00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:32,129
so you know he comes from money.
103
00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:33,630
Well, I think the real difference is
104
00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:35,215
crocodiles are man-eaters
105
00:03:35,299 --> 00:03:38,218
-and alligators...
-What in the bloody hell?
106
00:03:38,302 --> 00:03:42,181
Uh, hey, Nick.
What is Tran doing here?
107
00:03:42,264 --> 00:03:44,474
Oh, well,
I picked my own name.
108
00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:46,685
So you said to bring somebody.
So I thought it'd be weird
109
00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:48,395
if I didn't bring someone.
So I just brought Tran.
110
00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:49,855
You brought an old Asian man
to my sex party
111
00:03:49,938 --> 00:03:51,398
so it wouldn't be weird?
112
00:03:51,481 --> 00:03:53,567
Relax. He didn't come empty-handed.
113
00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:57,279
He brought a game.
It's like Thailand Monopoly.
114
00:03:57,362 --> 00:04:00,407
Yeah, all the squares are jail
except for one piece of property
115
00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:02,284
which we all have to fight each other for.
116
00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:04,453
But don't get caught
in the Red Light District.
117
00:04:04,536 --> 00:04:06,622
-This isn't a freaking game night, Nick.
-Okay, chill out.
118
00:04:06,705 --> 00:04:07,873
-(KNOCKING)
-You're making a mockery of this holiday
119
00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:09,458
and you know it.
120
00:04:09,541 --> 00:04:10,709
I didn't mean to make fun of Thailand,
121
00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:12,294
if that's where you're from even.
122
00:04:14,129 --> 00:04:15,714
-Hey.
-Lucy.
123
00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:17,424
-It's so good to see you.
-How are you?
124
00:04:17,508 --> 00:04:20,511
-Oh, I'm great.
-Lucy? Lucy's here with Schmidt?
125
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,930
Where's my set-up, already?
I'm looking at the menu,
126
00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:24,681
and I see a lot of skirt but no steak.
127
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,683
I think that Coach picked you,
so watch out.
128
00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:28,894
'Cause I'm sure he's gonna bring
one of his clients
129
00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:30,854
or weird, like, gym buddies.
130
00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:32,689
(WHISPERING) Ryan.
131
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,399
-What?
-Ryan. Ryan.
132
00:04:34,483 --> 00:04:36,818
-Ryan-Ryan?
-He brought Ryan. Oh, God.
133
00:04:36,902 --> 00:04:38,445
I don't think I can even look at him,
134
00:04:38,529 --> 00:04:40,030
like, without getting pregnant.
135
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:42,032
He just oozes sex.
136
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:44,576
Good holiday to you!
I've come with biscuits!
137
00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:46,537
(GROANING)
138
00:04:48,914 --> 00:04:51,667
-Hey, hey, hey, Schmidt,
-Lucy? I-I used to date Lucy.
139
00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:53,293
-Oh, I know, bro.
-I met her that day
140
00:04:53,377 --> 00:04:54,419
you gave me the pass to your gym.
141
00:04:56,088 --> 00:04:57,422
Hey, do you have any snacks?
142
00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:00,717
Yeah, you blew her off.
I didn't think it would be a problem.
143
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,386
Oh, it's a problem.
I'm telling you it's a problem.
144
00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:03,512
And I forbid you from dating her.
145
00:05:03,595 --> 00:05:05,264
So... (WHISTLES) Cut it off.
146
00:05:05,347 --> 00:05:08,851
-Grounds?
-The statute of limitation hasn't expired.
147
00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:10,352
You dated her three years ago
148
00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:11,728
for, like, two and a half months.
149
00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:14,147
The statute is very specific.
1,000 showers.
150
00:05:14,231 --> 00:05:15,858
-After that, no claim.
-And if you think
151
00:05:15,941 --> 00:05:18,569
I've showered 1,000 times
in the past three years,
152
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,487
then you're out of your mind.
153
00:05:20,571 --> 00:05:22,739
Did you ever spend more than
$65 on her, not including tip?
154
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:23,824
It's tough.
There were a lot of coupons involved.
155
00:05:23,949 --> 00:05:25,033
Did you ever watch her dog?
156
00:05:25,117 --> 00:05:26,660
Trick question.
She had fish and I killed them.
157
00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:29,329
-You ever get her a gift?
-Every time we had sex.
158
00:05:29,413 --> 00:05:31,874
-(LAUGHS) No claim.
-(LAUGHS) No claim?
159
00:05:31,957 --> 00:05:33,333
Hi, Nick.
It's been a long time.
160
00:05:33,417 --> 00:05:36,128
Lucille. Great to see you.
161
00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:39,506
Do you still like to eat, uh, popcorn?
162
00:05:39,590 --> 00:05:42,134
-I guess so.
-Oh, you see that? I know her foods.
163
00:05:42,217 --> 00:05:44,219
You must have spoiled her, huh?
164
00:05:44,595 --> 00:05:47,598
You know, if you'll excuse us,
I'm gonna give Lucy the tour.
165
00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:49,016
Come on, Lucy.
166
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:52,769
I'm calling my penis "the tour."
167
00:05:53,604 --> 00:05:55,314
My tour's more satisfying.
168
00:05:55,397 --> 00:05:58,525
His is all about him.
Mine's about you sometimes.
169
00:05:58,609 --> 00:05:59,943
Hi.
170
00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:01,820
Hi. Uh, thanks
for inviting me tonight.
171
00:06:01,904 --> 00:06:04,364
I-I didn't realize
this was a singles party.
172
00:06:04,448 --> 00:06:06,158
Oh. No. Uh, s-sorry.
173
00:06:06,241 --> 00:06:08,410
Did Coach say that
with a Sean Connery accent?
174
00:06:08,493 --> 00:06:10,621
Did he say "shingles"?
'Cause he was...
175
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:13,832
He actually meant shingles.
Like the... Like...
176
00:06:13,916 --> 00:06:16,502
(STAMMERING) Everybody here is a-a roofer.
177
00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:24,968
Look, the last time I saw you,
I kissed you.
178
00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:27,429
I know that. We both know that.
179
00:06:27,513 --> 00:06:29,223
-Mmm.
-But this can't happen.
180
00:06:29,306 --> 00:06:30,641
Are we attracted to each other?
181
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:32,893
Yes. Do I sing Oasis songs
to myself and pretend
182
00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:35,437
that they were inspired
by your love for me? I do.
183
00:06:35,521 --> 00:06:37,606
But my job is to enforce the rules.
184
00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:40,025
And I love my job.
And I worked hard to get it.
185
00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:41,401
So this cannot happen.
186
00:06:41,485 --> 00:06:42,945
Is that why you've locked me
in your bedroom
187
00:06:43,028 --> 00:06:44,530
and undone the top button
on your dress?
188
00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:46,615
I didn't undo the t...
189
00:06:49,159 --> 00:06:50,869
Well, I did.
190
00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:54,748
But that was an accident.
That wasn't for you.
191
00:06:55,290 --> 00:06:57,042
It was for me.
192
00:06:59,378 --> 00:07:01,672
I just need to know
that you will respect the rules
193
00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:04,091
and that this will go no further.
194
00:07:04,174 --> 00:07:05,509
I'll do my best.
195
00:07:07,302 --> 00:07:08,637
Looks like you missed a few.
196
00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:10,806
What?
197
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,309
Okay, I summoned
everyone to the roof
198
00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:16,144
because Bangsgiving is in peril.
199
00:07:16,228 --> 00:07:17,563
All of you are focusing on things
200
00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:19,314
that have nothing
to do with getting laid.
201
00:07:19,398 --> 00:07:21,650
Let us please not repeat
the mistakes that we made
202
00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:23,318
at my Eight Nights of Hump-akah party.
203
00:07:23,402 --> 00:07:25,696
Now, what is the freakin' problem?
204
00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,614
Coach did the opposite of what I asked.
205
00:07:27,698 --> 00:07:29,616
Come on, Jess,
you guys would be great together.
206
00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,493
-It's a dumb rule, all right?
-Dumb rule.
207
00:07:31,577 --> 00:07:32,870
At least he turns you on.
Pepper makes my ding-dong
208
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:34,538
and my ping-pongs go into my body.
209
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:36,623
Can somebody help me with this keg?
210
00:07:36,707 --> 00:07:38,667
-Yeah, sure.
-Pepper's got it.
211
00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:41,086
(GRUNTS)
212
00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:44,464
What if she doesn't know
her own strength down there...
213
00:07:44,548 --> 00:07:46,633
-Be a nightmare.
-...and she mushes it, or rips it off
214
00:07:46,717 --> 00:07:47,843
and throws it across the room
like a hot dog?
215
00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:50,554
That's nothing.
Jess brought me a hot lunch lady.
216
00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:52,556
What am I supposed to do with that?
217
00:07:53,432 --> 00:07:54,683
Do sex with the lunch lady.
218
00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:55,934
-Wait.
-That's obvious. I have a real...
219
00:07:56,018 --> 00:07:57,728
I know how it sounds.
I know how it sounds,
220
00:07:57,811 --> 00:08:00,105
-but she's like, a real lunch lady.
-That's hot.
221
00:08:00,189 --> 00:08:01,690
-A woman that's willing, ready and able...
-NICK: That's not an issue.
222
00:08:01,773 --> 00:08:03,609
After she has sex with you,
she can put food in your mouth.
223
00:08:03,692 --> 00:08:05,360
I do have a real problem.
224
00:08:05,444 --> 00:08:07,821
Schmidt is trying to sleep with
a woman I've already slept with.
225
00:08:07,905 --> 00:08:11,450
Well, at least he has a date,
because mine never showed up.
226
00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:13,327
Geoff is coming!
Apparently, a wild peacock got loose
227
00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:14,912
on the freeway,
and is holding up traffic.
228
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:17,706
Now, you guys,
we have guests downstairs.
229
00:08:17,789 --> 00:08:21,084
And if we don't get back to them soon,
they're gonna get spooked.
230
00:08:23,587 --> 00:08:26,840
Um, so, have you always
been from England?
231
00:08:28,717 --> 00:08:30,135
I'm not going downstairs
232
00:08:30,219 --> 00:08:31,678
until Schmidt agrees
to not sleep with Lucy.
233
00:08:31,762 --> 00:08:33,055
Okay, yeah, sure. Never!
234
00:08:33,138 --> 00:08:34,681
According to the statute,
235
00:08:34,765 --> 00:08:37,184
if you two can't agree,
we take it to a vote.
236
00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:39,269
The winner gets the girl,
the loser
237
00:08:39,353 --> 00:08:40,562
gets five grilled cheese sandwiches.
238
00:08:40,646 --> 00:08:41,772
-NICK: I'll agree to that.
-Let's do it.
239
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,357
All right, all those in favor
240
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,735
of Schmidt not sleeping with Lucy,
raise your hand now.
241
00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:47,819
I don't care.
Couldn't care less.
242
00:08:47,903 --> 00:08:48,987
NICK: Raise 'em up.
243
00:08:49,071 --> 00:08:50,948
Put 'em up.
244
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,784
Huzzah! Warning, tonight things will
get loud with Lucy.
245
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,202
But don't worry.
I'll have her jam a sock in my mouth
246
00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:56,578
right before I see the angels.
247
00:08:56,662 --> 00:08:59,248
-Okay, guys, what about me?
-Get your own sock.
248
00:08:59,331 --> 00:09:01,250
No. What am I gonna do
about Ryan?
249
00:09:01,333 --> 00:09:02,668
Just have sex with him.
250
00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:04,837
Look, bang one out,
get it out of your system.
251
00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:06,588
-I don't do that.
-You should do that.
252
00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:08,298
-You should bang one out.
-Yeah, makes the most sense.
253
00:09:08,382 --> 00:09:09,842
-What?
-Nothing else has worked,
254
00:09:09,925 --> 00:09:11,009
and the best way to get over a crush
255
00:09:11,093 --> 00:09:12,719
is just to do something about it.
256
00:09:12,803 --> 00:09:14,638
-I don't know.
-Plus, he's British,
257
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,056
so you know the sex
will be weirdly polite.
258
00:09:16,181 --> 00:09:18,559
(WITH BRITISH ACCENT)
Do you mind if I finish now?
259
00:09:18,642 --> 00:09:20,519
He doesn't sound like Oliver Twist.
260
00:09:20,602 --> 00:09:22,437
(BRITISH ACCENT) Do you like that?
Is that good, eh?
261
00:09:22,521 --> 00:09:25,315
All right. Here we go.
262
00:09:25,399 --> 00:09:27,568
One, really? Two, what?
263
00:09:27,651 --> 00:09:29,528
(MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY IN BRITISH ACCENT)
264
00:09:29,611 --> 00:09:31,613
Hey, you like it
when I do it like that, eh?
265
00:09:31,697 --> 00:09:32,823
That was spot-on.
266
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:36,285
All those in favor of Jess doing Ryan,
raise your hand.
267
00:09:42,416 --> 00:09:44,126
(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
268
00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:45,752
Oh, he's trying to mess with me?
269
00:09:45,836 --> 00:09:48,213
Here I go.
270
00:09:50,674 --> 00:09:52,926
Cecilia.
271
00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:56,013
-No, you cannot have my beer.
-(LAUGHS)
272
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:57,472
NICK: You think I'm going after the beer.
273
00:09:57,556 --> 00:09:59,183
-You okay? Okay, great.
-Mmm-hmm.
274
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:03,562
(GROANS)
275
00:10:03,645 --> 00:10:05,147
(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
276
00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:06,690
(PHONE BUZZING)
277
00:10:11,653 --> 00:10:12,946
(GASPS)
278
00:10:13,030 --> 00:10:14,865
Happy Bangsgiving.
279
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,700
(WHISPERS) Close the door.
280
00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:20,829
Oh, my God.
281
00:10:20,913 --> 00:10:23,040
Is there nothing underneath that apron?
282
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:26,835
Just a little white meat
looking for some gravy.
283
00:10:26,919 --> 00:10:29,838
That probably wasn't very sexy.
I shouldn't have said that!
284
00:10:29,922 --> 00:10:31,965
No, it was very becoming.
285
00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:34,885
I'm totally confused
about these oven mitts.
286
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:37,888
How else am I supposed to take
a hot dish out of the oven?
287
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:40,057
These mitts were a bad idea.
288
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:45,103
What, uh, got you in the-the,
uh, holiday, uh, sp-spirit?
289
00:10:45,187 --> 00:10:47,689
Well, I like you, you like me.
290
00:10:47,773 --> 00:10:51,401
Why don't we just
bang one out of our system?
291
00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:53,737
Bang one out of our system?
292
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:56,823
It sounds really bad.
I get that.
293
00:10:56,907 --> 00:10:58,242
And I hear it now, it sounds awful.
294
00:10:58,325 --> 00:11:01,787
But we just bang one
out of our system, and then,
295
00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:04,623
we can go back to our strictly
professional relationship,
296
00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:07,209
and I can stop thinking about you
all the time, which I do.
297
00:11:07,292 --> 00:11:09,002
I didn't come here to bang one out.
298
00:11:09,086 --> 00:11:10,754
Well, you know what I mean.
299
00:11:10,838 --> 00:11:11,839
-Look...
-I care about you.
300
00:11:11,922 --> 00:11:13,507
-Well...
-Jess, I'm crazy about you.
301
00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:15,717
Ryan, look.
Oh, God, it's so complicated.
302
00:11:15,801 --> 00:11:17,845
Can I just put some pants on
when we talk about this?
303
00:11:17,928 --> 00:11:19,471
It is complicated.
304
00:11:19,555 --> 00:11:21,932
This would have been worth it.
305
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,725
Oh, God. Ryan. Ryan!
306
00:11:23,809 --> 00:11:26,144
-Oh, God!
-NICK: Oh! Yeah!
307
00:11:26,228 --> 00:11:29,106
(ALL HOOTING AND CLAMORING)
308
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:31,567
SCHMIDT: Oh, no!
309
00:11:31,650 --> 00:11:34,111
Freaking Bangsgiving.
310
00:11:37,281 --> 00:11:40,075
SCHMIDT: No, I actually put those
in there myself.
311
00:11:41,785 --> 00:11:43,453
I'll tell you, I wouldn't
eat asparagus though.
312
00:11:43,537 --> 00:11:44,538
It makes your pee smell.
313
00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:45,706
-(LAUGHS)
-Mmm.
314
00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:50,711
Hey, Cece, I got that $20 I owe you.
315
00:11:50,794 --> 00:11:52,796
It's, uh...
It's in my bedroom.
316
00:11:54,423 --> 00:11:55,549
Okay.
317
00:11:56,133 --> 00:11:57,968
Yeah, it's right this way.
318
00:12:03,140 --> 00:12:05,350
You're really sexy for a Jew.
319
00:12:05,434 --> 00:12:07,060
Not now, woman!
320
00:12:07,978 --> 00:12:09,730
Wait. What?
321
00:12:09,980 --> 00:12:12,065
Who needs men?
You don't need a man.
322
00:12:12,149 --> 00:12:14,359
-You can lift your own furniture.
-Hey, Pepper.
323
00:12:14,443 --> 00:12:17,196
-Oh, God.
-Oh, my God, are you okay?
324
00:12:17,279 --> 00:12:19,156
I am so sorry.
You approached my blind spot.
325
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:20,824
(COACH GROANS)
326
00:12:20,991 --> 00:12:22,117
Your money's in here somewhere.
327
00:12:22,201 --> 00:12:23,952
-Let me just find it, okay?
-Oh, great.
328
00:12:24,036 --> 00:12:26,580
-Oh!
-What's wrong? You hurt yourself?
329
00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:28,415
No. It's just not there.
Uh, let me.
330
00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:29,791
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
331
00:12:29,875 --> 00:12:31,543
Ooh. Ooh, that feels so good!
332
00:12:31,627 --> 00:12:33,962
When I'm looking for your money,
it feels so good.
333
00:12:34,046 --> 00:12:36,590
(LAUGHING) Oh! I love that!
334
00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:38,300
You're a nasty woman!
335
00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:39,968
'Cause you're making me
give the money to you.
336
00:12:40,052 --> 00:12:41,512
Nick...
337
00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:43,722
Oh, Cece, you love this!
Getting your money.
338
00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:45,807
-What exactly are you doing right now?
-(WHISPERS) I'm getting your money.
339
00:12:45,891 --> 00:12:47,309
You're definitely not getting my money.
340
00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:48,685
In no world do you have my money.
341
00:12:49,478 --> 00:12:50,771
I was flirting with you
342
00:12:50,854 --> 00:12:52,856
to give Schmidt a taste
of his own medicine.
343
00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:54,399
Okay? And it's a huge mistake,
344
00:12:54,483 --> 00:12:55,943
and insulting to everyone involved,
and I'm sorry.
345
00:12:56,026 --> 00:12:59,321
Yeah, and also, he would never
fall for that at all, okay?
346
00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:01,240
You're a dead man, Miller!
347
00:13:01,323 --> 00:13:03,283
-Don't. Don't.
-SCHMIDT: I'll choke you to death.
348
00:13:03,367 --> 00:13:04,660
I'll choke you to death.
349
00:13:05,035 --> 00:13:06,370
CECE: Barely fighting.
350
00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:08,622
Schmidt, nothing was going on!
He was just trying to make you jealous.
351
00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:10,249
Please. I know that!
352
00:13:10,332 --> 00:13:12,960
He would never hit on you.
You're on my Never List.
353
00:13:13,043 --> 00:13:16,255
I know she's on your Never...
Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing?
354
00:13:16,338 --> 00:13:18,590
You're pissed at me for bringing Lucy,
and you bring Tran as a date?
355
00:13:18,674 --> 00:13:20,759
Hey, leave Tran out of this.
He fought in Korea!
356
00:13:20,843 --> 00:13:22,761
I don't know which side,
but I know he's a war hero.
357
00:13:22,845 --> 00:13:24,346
You couldn't find one of
those drunk girls at the bar?
358
00:13:24,429 --> 00:13:27,057
The ones with no family or friends?
That's your sweet spot, man.
359
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,560
-I know I could have. I didn't want to.
-Why not?
360
00:13:30,978 --> 00:13:32,396
What kind of woman
have you been sleeping with
361
00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:33,939
since you and Jess broke up?
362
00:13:35,691 --> 00:13:36,942
Terrible ones.
363
00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:38,902
And how does that make you feel?
364
00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:40,779
Terrible.
365
00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:42,406
Then really good.
366
00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:44,366
-Expected. Expected.
-There you go.
367
00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:46,159
But then, immediately after, terrible.
368
00:13:46,243 --> 00:13:47,953
I'm just gonna put this out there,
but I think
369
00:13:48,036 --> 00:13:49,580
you'd probably rather like
to sleep with someone
370
00:13:49,663 --> 00:13:51,206
who doesn't make you feel terrible,
371
00:13:51,290 --> 00:13:54,251
but you're just a little
afraid of getting hurt again.
372
00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:57,504
No, that doesn't sound right.
373
00:14:00,799 --> 00:14:03,427
You know, growing up, we had
this lunch lady named Ms. Witten.
374
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:06,471
One day, I cut in line
so I can get extra tater tots,
375
00:14:06,555 --> 00:14:10,017
and as punishment, she
made me eat the entire tray
376
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:11,894
in front of her
377
00:14:11,977 --> 00:14:14,438
while she stared at me
for a long period of time.
378
00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:17,524
I'm not sure if you know
how hard that is for a growing boy.
379
00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:19,526
-How old were you?
-I was 18.
380
00:14:19,610 --> 00:14:21,528
(LAUGHS)
381
00:14:21,612 --> 00:14:24,907
If it helps,
we're called lunch monitors now.
382
00:14:24,990 --> 00:14:26,867
No one says "lunch lady" anymore.
383
00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:30,871
Oh. Kind of like how we can't
call little people "shrinkies."
384
00:14:32,456 --> 00:14:34,750
Oh. Lunch Monitor Pearl. I like it.
385
00:14:41,507 --> 00:14:42,758
Excellent form.
386
00:14:43,425 --> 00:14:44,843
You don't have a hard job.
387
00:14:47,596 --> 00:14:49,223
So, I saw your butt earlier.
388
00:14:49,306 --> 00:14:50,432
It's been holding up nicely.
389
00:14:50,933 --> 00:14:52,851
It does the trick.
390
00:14:54,895 --> 00:14:56,813
And I noticed, uh, Ryan left.
391
00:14:56,897 --> 00:15:00,359
Yeah. Ugh!
It's so embarrassing.
392
00:15:01,026 --> 00:15:02,569
I kind of came onto him,
393
00:15:02,653 --> 00:15:06,448
and he told me
he wanted more than just sex.
394
00:15:06,532 --> 00:15:09,576
He wanted more than sex
and that's a bad thing? How?
395
00:15:09,660 --> 00:15:11,203
Well, look, I'm his boss.
396
00:15:11,662 --> 00:15:14,122
We could get sued,
and I could get fired.
397
00:15:14,206 --> 00:15:15,749
There's a reason
it's against the rules.
398
00:15:15,832 --> 00:15:17,209
You gotta br... Okay.
399
00:15:17,292 --> 00:15:18,627
Remember when we tried to watch
Ferris Bueller's Day Off?
400
00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:22,172
Okay, I stick by that.
That kid is not a hero.
401
00:15:22,256 --> 00:15:24,091
All he does is break rules.
What's so great about that?
402
00:15:24,174 --> 00:15:26,969
You're taking Rooney's side.
No one takes Rooney's side.
403
00:15:27,052 --> 00:15:29,137
I'm a vice principal.
Rooney is my people.
404
00:15:29,263 --> 00:15:31,348
Ferris hijacks a parade.
405
00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:32,766
That is an act of terror.
406
00:15:32,850 --> 00:15:34,434
You want to know what I think,
'cause you're not going to like it.
407
00:15:34,518 --> 00:15:35,561
What?
408
00:15:35,644 --> 00:15:37,771
I don't think this is
about breaking rules.
409
00:15:37,855 --> 00:15:39,314
I think Ryan scares you.
410
00:15:39,398 --> 00:15:41,942
You like him, and you're
going to have to put yourself
411
00:15:42,025 --> 00:15:44,403
out there again, and that scares you.
412
00:15:46,238 --> 00:15:49,449
But look, life moves really fast.
413
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:54,288
And if you don't stop
and look around once in a while,
414
00:15:55,539 --> 00:15:57,541
you just might miss it.
415
00:15:58,667 --> 00:15:59,835
Is that from Ferris Bueller?
416
00:15:59,918 --> 00:16:01,378
-Yes, it is.
-Okay.
417
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:02,963
-It's a terrific movie.
-All right.
418
00:16:03,046 --> 00:16:04,381
And I delivered it perfectly.
419
00:16:04,548 --> 00:16:06,258
It was pretty good.
420
00:16:10,220 --> 00:16:11,471
What are you doing here?
421
00:16:11,722 --> 00:16:13,348
You're fired.
422
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,560
(LAUGHS) Just kidding.
423
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,520
Oh, God.
424
00:16:20,439 --> 00:16:22,858
You left without eating
so I thought, um...
425
00:16:22,941 --> 00:16:25,277
I'd bring you a pie. Well, most of a pie.
426
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:27,571
The guys ate some of it.
That's a lie.
427
00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:30,324
(STAMMERING) I ate... I ate...
I ate a piece on the way over.
428
00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:32,618
I-I ate two pieces. Three pieces.
429
00:16:33,035 --> 00:16:34,203
Thank you.
430
00:16:34,286 --> 00:16:35,495
You're welcome.
431
00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:37,706
Would you like to come inside?
432
00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:39,499
No, um, I came here
to say something
433
00:16:39,583 --> 00:16:41,585
and that is...
434
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:43,378
I want more, too.
435
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:48,300
This dish is empty.
436
00:16:48,383 --> 00:16:50,928
Okay. I ate the whole pie.
437
00:16:51,261 --> 00:16:52,846
Look, I don't know what I'm doing
438
00:16:52,930 --> 00:16:54,223
or where this is going
439
00:16:55,140 --> 00:16:57,267
(SIGHS) and I'm scared,
440
00:16:57,351 --> 00:17:00,479
but it's worth it 'cause it feels big.
441
00:17:01,355 --> 00:17:03,815
And that's why I'm going
to leave right now,
442
00:17:03,899 --> 00:17:05,359
and we're going to take it slow.
443
00:17:13,992 --> 00:17:15,452
Wow.
444
00:17:15,536 --> 00:17:18,413
Well, tonight is Bangsgiving,
445
00:17:18,497 --> 00:17:19,915
and I have to honor
my American traditions.
446
00:17:19,998 --> 00:17:22,709
And it's my duty as an American...
447
00:17:25,462 --> 00:17:28,799
I think I'm going to stop
being afraid and start dating.
448
00:17:29,675 --> 00:17:32,261
You probably knew all along,
didn't you?
449
00:17:32,344 --> 00:17:34,888
If only I could
meet a girl like you, Tran.
450
00:17:34,972 --> 00:17:37,182
Your face, your brain,
throw it in a dress,
451
00:17:37,266 --> 00:17:39,726
oh, daddy,
I'd be with her forever.
452
00:17:39,810 --> 00:17:41,061
I'm getting off topic.
453
00:17:41,144 --> 00:17:43,897
Thanks for the talk.
I feel a lot better.
454
00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:47,568
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
455
00:17:48,652 --> 00:17:50,153
Tran, are these all yours?
456
00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:51,572
Come on, man.
457
00:17:51,655 --> 00:17:53,156
I thought you were switching
to white wine.
458
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,158
How do you think you're going
to get home now?
459
00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:57,578
You're not driving,
so how are you going to get home?
460
00:17:57,661 --> 00:17:58,996
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
461
00:18:00,706 --> 00:18:02,332
Hey. Are you Nick?
462
00:18:04,626 --> 00:18:08,172
You the guy who's obsessed
with my grandfather?
463
00:18:10,299 --> 00:18:12,342
Grandpaps, you ready to go?
464
00:18:18,432 --> 00:18:20,851
-Hey.
-(SCREAMS)
465
00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:22,978
Ah, ah, ha... Hey.
466
00:18:23,061 --> 00:18:25,439
I'm taking off. Um...
467
00:18:25,522 --> 00:18:27,024
Sorry I body-slammed you
468
00:18:27,107 --> 00:18:28,901
but this doesn't feel like
it's working out
469
00:18:28,984 --> 00:18:30,277
so I don't really want to waste our time.
470
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:33,071
Look, Pepper, um...
471
00:18:33,155 --> 00:18:34,156
I think you're beautiful,
472
00:18:35,073 --> 00:18:36,491
and very nice.
473
00:18:36,575 --> 00:18:38,285
I just, uh...
474
00:18:38,368 --> 00:18:40,662
You know, I'm not used to
475
00:18:40,746 --> 00:18:43,165
dating women that
are stronger than me.
476
00:18:43,248 --> 00:18:44,917
How do you know
that I'm stronger than you?
477
00:18:45,209 --> 00:18:46,752
Do you want to arm wrestle?
478
00:18:46,835 --> 00:18:48,545
Yeah, like I'm that insecure
that I have to prove
479
00:18:48,629 --> 00:18:50,756
my masculinity by arm wrestling a girl.
480
00:18:50,839 --> 00:18:53,342
(YELLS) Come on.
481
00:18:53,717 --> 00:18:55,052
-Ready?
-Yeah.
482
00:18:55,135 --> 00:18:56,428
One, two, three.
483
00:18:56,512 --> 00:18:58,805
(GRUNTING)
484
00:19:00,182 --> 00:19:01,725
(YELLS)
485
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:04,311
Yes! That's how you do it!
486
00:19:04,394 --> 00:19:07,397
-That's how it's uh-uh-uh done!
-(LAUGHS)
487
00:19:07,481 --> 00:19:09,650
-(MOANING)
-(GIGGLING)
488
00:19:10,901 --> 00:19:12,194
Thank you for letting me win.
489
00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:13,862
Sure. Anytime.
490
00:19:20,536 --> 00:19:21,787
Well, Lucy left.
491
00:19:21,870 --> 00:19:23,330
Turns out she's a bit of an anti-Semite.
492
00:19:23,455 --> 00:19:25,749
-Hmm.
-Yeah, looks like we both struck out.
493
00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:27,835
Okay, Schmidt, there is no Geoff.
494
00:19:27,918 --> 00:19:30,838
Come on. But to be honest,
I'm kind of glad there isn't.
495
00:19:30,921 --> 00:19:32,214
You know,
Thanksgiving should be spent
496
00:19:32,297 --> 00:19:33,757
with the people that you care about.
497
00:19:36,176 --> 00:19:37,886
-Let me get you a beer.
-By the way,
498
00:19:38,846 --> 00:19:40,180
you're on my Never List, too.
499
00:19:48,230 --> 00:19:49,273
Hi.
500
00:19:50,148 --> 00:19:51,775
Are you Cece?
501
00:19:51,859 --> 00:19:54,319
I'm Geoff.
Um, I'm Schmidt's friend.
502
00:19:54,403 --> 00:19:55,404
I'm sorry I'm late.
503
00:19:55,487 --> 00:19:58,031
I hit a peacock on my way here
504
00:19:58,115 --> 00:20:01,076
and then I held it in my arms
until it died.
505
00:20:01,159 --> 00:20:04,288
It was horrible,
but also kind of uplifting.
506
00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:06,415
Um, anyway, I brought creamed spinach.
507
00:20:09,334 --> 00:20:12,129
(SPEAKING HINDI)
508
00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:19,344
It takes time
509
00:20:20,929 --> 00:20:23,140
You worry too much
510
00:20:23,682 --> 00:20:26,476
(PANTING)
511
00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:29,313
All those sunny days
512
00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:31,899
-(GRUNTS)
-Yeah! (LAUGHS)
513
00:20:31,982 --> 00:20:35,569
You worry too much
514
00:20:37,070 --> 00:20:38,405
-There's my number.
-Gr...
515
00:20:38,488 --> 00:20:40,949
Tran! Hey, would you hit that. Maybe...
516
00:20:41,033 --> 00:20:42,492
Yeah.
517
00:20:42,576 --> 00:20:46,205
'Cause nothing is real
518
00:20:47,497 --> 00:20:49,917
When you're all alone
519
00:20:53,045 --> 00:20:56,507
'Cause nothing is real
520
00:20:58,091 --> 00:21:01,720
My mother told me so
521
00:21:01,803 --> 00:21:03,972
Don't let the sun kiss your lips
522
00:21:04,056 --> 00:21:06,433
She knows all of the tricks
523
00:21:06,517 --> 00:21:08,143
Let the sun kiss your lips...
524
00:21:08,227 --> 00:21:09,811
Ed Rooney.
525
00:21:09,895 --> 00:21:11,813
CAMERON OVER PHONE:
Hi. This is George Peterson.
526
00:21:11,897 --> 00:21:13,565
How are you today, sir?
527
00:21:13,649 --> 00:21:16,193
JESS: (GROANS)
It's not him, Rooney.
528
00:21:17,027 --> 00:21:20,572
This movie should be called
The Day Rooney Tried to Do His Job.
39880
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