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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:04,463 Friends, ex-girlfriend, Winston, 2 00:00:04,546 --> 00:00:06,757 months ago I warned you that winter was coming. 3 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:08,217 And for the cold and wretched days ahead, 4 00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:10,177 I stressed our need to take lovers 5 00:00:10,260 --> 00:00:12,179 -and take them quickly. -Your head is huge. 6 00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:15,015 (CHUCKLES) Your hat's the size of a garbage can. 7 00:00:15,098 --> 00:00:17,017 You look great in that hat, man. What a hunk. 8 00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:18,894 You look like Jewish Pharrell. 9 00:00:18,977 --> 00:00:20,479 Th-Thank you very much. I appreciate it. Okay. 10 00:00:20,562 --> 00:00:22,231 Now, winter is now here. 11 00:00:22,314 --> 00:00:24,483 And I vow that we will not miss 12 00:00:24,566 --> 00:00:28,070 our final opportunity for sexual realization in 2014. 13 00:00:28,153 --> 00:00:29,655 Did you steal my belt buckle, you Silly Billy? 14 00:00:29,738 --> 00:00:30,739 Enough out of you, Winston! 15 00:00:30,822 --> 00:00:32,366 Silly Billy? Dude. 16 00:00:32,449 --> 00:00:34,785 If you unzipped your face and an old white woman popped out, 17 00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:36,245 I would not be shocked. 18 00:00:36,328 --> 00:00:37,621 -Really? -No. 19 00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:39,039 I would. I would be very surprised. 20 00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:42,584 That is why this year we will not be celebrating Thanksgiving. 21 00:00:42,668 --> 00:00:44,878 Instead, we will be celebrating... 22 00:00:44,962 --> 00:00:46,922 Remember last Thanksgiving when I almost died? 23 00:00:47,005 --> 00:00:49,174 -Oh, yeah. -(ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY) 24 00:00:49,258 --> 00:00:51,927 Bangsgiving! We'll be celebrating Bangsgiving! 25 00:00:52,010 --> 00:00:54,930 Why can't you let me just have this, you guys? Please. 26 00:00:55,013 --> 00:00:57,599 Okay. You've been talking about this for, like, a week, Schmidt. 27 00:00:57,683 --> 00:00:59,434 We get it. Let's just pick names already. 28 00:00:59,518 --> 00:01:01,895 Jess, I can't believe that you are into Bangsgiving. 29 00:01:01,979 --> 00:01:04,231 I just want to meet a guy so I can forget about Ryan. 30 00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:05,691 -Just date him, Jess. -'Cause I'm his boss, 31 00:01:05,774 --> 00:01:07,276 and it's against the rules for me to date him. 32 00:01:07,359 --> 00:01:08,944 Just date him. It's a dumb rule. 33 00:01:09,027 --> 00:01:10,696 -It's against the rules. -Take the hat. 34 00:01:10,779 --> 00:01:13,240 -Oh. -Now, whosever name you pick, 35 00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:14,700 that's who you'll be bringing a date for. 36 00:01:14,783 --> 00:01:17,035 And no date leaves until everyone is laid. 37 00:01:17,119 --> 00:01:18,287 I just want to meet a nice fella. 38 00:01:18,370 --> 00:01:19,872 Can I have permission to send them home 39 00:01:19,955 --> 00:01:21,123 -without sex? -No, you do not. 40 00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:23,083 I think everybody's date should be able to leave. 41 00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:25,043 Yeah, your plan sounds a little kidnappy. 42 00:01:25,127 --> 00:01:26,295 What's the rule on that, Winston? 43 00:01:26,378 --> 00:01:27,629 Eh, gray area. We're good. 44 00:01:27,713 --> 00:01:30,757 Winston is in. My man. And, okay, nobody say who you picked. 45 00:01:30,841 --> 00:01:32,009 It'll ruin the surprise. 46 00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:36,847 Oh, crap. You picked me. 47 00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:39,057 No! How'd you know? 48 00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:40,893 And now you're gonna set me up with you, aren't you? 49 00:01:40,976 --> 00:01:42,311 Cece, I-I know that this holiday 50 00:01:42,394 --> 00:01:44,146 is a bittersweet memory for your people, 51 00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:45,731 -but, please, do not take that out on me. -Wrong kind of Indian. 52 00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:47,316 Okay, well, I picked you, too, so I want to re-pick. 53 00:01:47,399 --> 00:01:48,692 No re-picking. And no more telling. 54 00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:51,653 So, listen up, uh, for whoever picked me, 55 00:01:51,737 --> 00:01:54,323 I just want you to know that I have really gotten into feet lately, 56 00:01:54,406 --> 00:01:56,783 so do with that what you will. 57 00:01:56,867 --> 00:01:58,035 No one do anything with that. 58 00:01:58,118 --> 00:01:59,328 Can I just say no mustaches? 59 00:01:59,411 --> 00:02:00,996 -I'd like someone tall. -She's got to have an ass. 60 00:02:01,079 --> 00:02:02,080 Can I just reiterate the whole feet thing? 61 00:02:02,164 --> 00:02:03,874 I want to say who I picked so bad. 62 00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:06,168 I'm looking for a fake redhead. With a medium-sized neck. 63 00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:08,545 I just want to be slapped around. 64 00:02:09,421 --> 00:02:11,048 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 65 00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:20,307 So, Pearl, I told Winston that you work at my school. 66 00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:22,518 And, um, Winston is about to become a cop, 67 00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:25,020 which you've probably already gathered from the fact 68 00:02:25,103 --> 00:02:27,147 that he pinned his badge to his sport coat. 69 00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:28,982 What? (CHUCKLES) 70 00:02:29,066 --> 00:02:30,734 How did that get there? 71 00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:32,152 Let me freshen your drink. (CHUCKLES) 72 00:02:32,236 --> 00:02:33,904 Excuse me a second. 73 00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,156 (WHISPERING) Hey, Coach. Coach. 74 00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:37,533 Look at what Jess brought me. 75 00:02:37,616 --> 00:02:39,034 Oh, Pearl? Yeah, she's great, man. 76 00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:40,410 Hey, come here. You got something on your face. 77 00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:41,912 -Really? What is it? -It's, like, right... 78 00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:42,996 -Ow. -What were you thinking, 79 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:44,289 bringing me that girl from the police academy? 80 00:02:44,373 --> 00:02:45,374 What's wrong with Pepper? 81 00:02:45,457 --> 00:02:46,583 Allow me... 82 00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:48,335 (CHUCKLES) Arms! 83 00:02:48,418 --> 00:02:50,546 She's jacked, dude. You should've warned me 84 00:02:50,629 --> 00:02:52,589 you were setting me up with one of the Guardians of the Galaxy. 85 00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:54,341 I'm sure she's not that bad. 86 00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:56,385 Whoa. 87 00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:57,970 Where was she when I was cracking walnuts 88 00:02:58,053 --> 00:02:59,096 for the stuffing? 89 00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:01,223 Look, she's fantastic. She's beautiful. You're gonna love her. 90 00:03:01,306 --> 00:03:03,016 Now, if you jerks will excuse me, 91 00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:05,310 this Bishop's got to capture himself a queen. 92 00:03:05,394 --> 00:03:06,728 She's doing push-ups. 93 00:03:07,646 --> 00:03:08,939 For your lady. 94 00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,232 Thank you. Thank you very much, Jess. 95 00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:12,442 -Pearl, she's... -Yeah, she's great. 96 00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:16,196 -What grade does she teach? -She doesn't teach. She's the lunch lady. 97 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:20,450 -(CHUCKLES) You said the lunch lady? -Yeah. 98 00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:23,996 So where exactly is this "date" of mine? 99 00:03:24,079 --> 00:03:26,582 All right, I invited Lucy, like you asked. 100 00:03:26,665 --> 00:03:29,251 Your date's name is Geoff and he will be here. 101 00:03:29,334 --> 00:03:30,794 By the way, he spells Geoff with a "G," 102 00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:32,129 so you know he comes from money. 103 00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:33,630 Well, I think the real difference is 104 00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:35,215 crocodiles are man-eaters 105 00:03:35,299 --> 00:03:38,218 -and alligators... -What in the bloody hell? 106 00:03:38,302 --> 00:03:42,181 Uh, hey, Nick. What is Tran doing here? 107 00:03:42,264 --> 00:03:44,474 Oh, well, I picked my own name. 108 00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:46,685 So you said to bring somebody. So I thought it'd be weird 109 00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:48,395 if I didn't bring someone. So I just brought Tran. 110 00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:49,855 You brought an old Asian man to my sex party 111 00:03:49,938 --> 00:03:51,398 so it wouldn't be weird? 112 00:03:51,481 --> 00:03:53,567 Relax. He didn't come empty-handed. 113 00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:57,279 He brought a game. It's like Thailand Monopoly. 114 00:03:57,362 --> 00:04:00,407 Yeah, all the squares are jail except for one piece of property 115 00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:02,284 which we all have to fight each other for. 116 00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:04,453 But don't get caught in the Red Light District. 117 00:04:04,536 --> 00:04:06,622 -This isn't a freaking game night, Nick. -Okay, chill out. 118 00:04:06,705 --> 00:04:07,873 -(KNOCKING) -You're making a mockery of this holiday 119 00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:09,458 and you know it. 120 00:04:09,541 --> 00:04:10,709 I didn't mean to make fun of Thailand, 121 00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:12,294 if that's where you're from even. 122 00:04:14,129 --> 00:04:15,714 -Hey. -Lucy. 123 00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:17,424 -It's so good to see you. -How are you? 124 00:04:17,508 --> 00:04:20,511 -Oh, I'm great. -Lucy? Lucy's here with Schmidt? 125 00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,930 Where's my set-up, already? I'm looking at the menu, 126 00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:24,681 and I see a lot of skirt but no steak. 127 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,683 I think that Coach picked you, so watch out. 128 00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:28,894 'Cause I'm sure he's gonna bring one of his clients 129 00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:30,854 or weird, like, gym buddies. 130 00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:32,689 (WHISPERING) Ryan. 131 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,399 -What? -Ryan. Ryan. 132 00:04:34,483 --> 00:04:36,818 -Ryan-Ryan? -He brought Ryan. Oh, God. 133 00:04:36,902 --> 00:04:38,445 I don't think I can even look at him, 134 00:04:38,529 --> 00:04:40,030 like, without getting pregnant. 135 00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:42,032 He just oozes sex. 136 00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:44,576 Good holiday to you! I've come with biscuits! 137 00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:46,537 (GROANING) 138 00:04:48,914 --> 00:04:51,667 -Hey, hey, hey, Schmidt, -Lucy? I-I used to date Lucy. 139 00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:53,293 -Oh, I know, bro. -I met her that day 140 00:04:53,377 --> 00:04:54,419 you gave me the pass to your gym. 141 00:04:56,088 --> 00:04:57,422 Hey, do you have any snacks? 142 00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:00,717 Yeah, you blew her off. I didn't think it would be a problem. 143 00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,386 Oh, it's a problem. I'm telling you it's a problem. 144 00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:03,512 And I forbid you from dating her. 145 00:05:03,595 --> 00:05:05,264 So... (WHISTLES) Cut it off. 146 00:05:05,347 --> 00:05:08,851 -Grounds? -The statute of limitation hasn't expired. 147 00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:10,352 You dated her three years ago 148 00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:11,728 for, like, two and a half months. 149 00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:14,147 The statute is very specific. 1,000 showers. 150 00:05:14,231 --> 00:05:15,858 -After that, no claim. -And if you think 151 00:05:15,941 --> 00:05:18,569 I've showered 1,000 times in the past three years, 152 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,487 then you're out of your mind. 153 00:05:20,571 --> 00:05:22,739 Did you ever spend more than $65 on her, not including tip? 154 00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:23,824 It's tough. There were a lot of coupons involved. 155 00:05:23,949 --> 00:05:25,033 Did you ever watch her dog? 156 00:05:25,117 --> 00:05:26,660 Trick question. She had fish and I killed them. 157 00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:29,329 -You ever get her a gift? -Every time we had sex. 158 00:05:29,413 --> 00:05:31,874 -(LAUGHS) No claim. -(LAUGHS) No claim? 159 00:05:31,957 --> 00:05:33,333 Hi, Nick. It's been a long time. 160 00:05:33,417 --> 00:05:36,128 Lucille. Great to see you. 161 00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:39,506 Do you still like to eat, uh, popcorn? 162 00:05:39,590 --> 00:05:42,134 -I guess so. -Oh, you see that? I know her foods. 163 00:05:42,217 --> 00:05:44,219 You must have spoiled her, huh? 164 00:05:44,595 --> 00:05:47,598 You know, if you'll excuse us, I'm gonna give Lucy the tour. 165 00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:49,016 Come on, Lucy. 166 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:52,769 I'm calling my penis "the tour." 167 00:05:53,604 --> 00:05:55,314 My tour's more satisfying. 168 00:05:55,397 --> 00:05:58,525 His is all about him. Mine's about you sometimes. 169 00:05:58,609 --> 00:05:59,943 Hi. 170 00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:01,820 Hi. Uh, thanks for inviting me tonight. 171 00:06:01,904 --> 00:06:04,364 I-I didn't realize this was a singles party. 172 00:06:04,448 --> 00:06:06,158 Oh. No. Uh, s-sorry. 173 00:06:06,241 --> 00:06:08,410 Did Coach say that with a Sean Connery accent? 174 00:06:08,493 --> 00:06:10,621 Did he say "shingles"? 'Cause he was... 175 00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:13,832 He actually meant shingles. Like the... Like... 176 00:06:13,916 --> 00:06:16,502 (STAMMERING) Everybody here is a-a roofer. 177 00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:24,968 Look, the last time I saw you, I kissed you. 178 00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:27,429 I know that. We both know that. 179 00:06:27,513 --> 00:06:29,223 -Mmm. -But this can't happen. 180 00:06:29,306 --> 00:06:30,641 Are we attracted to each other? 181 00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:32,893 Yes. Do I sing Oasis songs to myself and pretend 182 00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:35,437 that they were inspired by your love for me? I do. 183 00:06:35,521 --> 00:06:37,606 But my job is to enforce the rules. 184 00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:40,025 And I love my job. And I worked hard to get it. 185 00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:41,401 So this cannot happen. 186 00:06:41,485 --> 00:06:42,945 Is that why you've locked me in your bedroom 187 00:06:43,028 --> 00:06:44,530 and undone the top button on your dress? 188 00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:46,615 I didn't undo the t... 189 00:06:49,159 --> 00:06:50,869 Well, I did. 190 00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:54,748 But that was an accident. That wasn't for you. 191 00:06:55,290 --> 00:06:57,042 It was for me. 192 00:06:59,378 --> 00:07:01,672 I just need to know that you will respect the rules 193 00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:04,091 and that this will go no further. 194 00:07:04,174 --> 00:07:05,509 I'll do my best. 195 00:07:07,302 --> 00:07:08,637 Looks like you missed a few. 196 00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:10,806 What? 197 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,309 Okay, I summoned everyone to the roof 198 00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:16,144 because Bangsgiving is in peril. 199 00:07:16,228 --> 00:07:17,563 All of you are focusing on things 200 00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:19,314 that have nothing to do with getting laid. 201 00:07:19,398 --> 00:07:21,650 Let us please not repeat the mistakes that we made 202 00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:23,318 at my Eight Nights of Hump-akah party. 203 00:07:23,402 --> 00:07:25,696 Now, what is the freakin' problem? 204 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,614 Coach did the opposite of what I asked. 205 00:07:27,698 --> 00:07:29,616 Come on, Jess, you guys would be great together. 206 00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,493 -It's a dumb rule, all right? -Dumb rule. 207 00:07:31,577 --> 00:07:32,870 At least he turns you on. Pepper makes my ding-dong 208 00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:34,538 and my ping-pongs go into my body. 209 00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:36,623 Can somebody help me with this keg? 210 00:07:36,707 --> 00:07:38,667 -Yeah, sure. -Pepper's got it. 211 00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:41,086 (GRUNTS) 212 00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:44,464 What if she doesn't know her own strength down there... 213 00:07:44,548 --> 00:07:46,633 -Be a nightmare. -...and she mushes it, or rips it off 214 00:07:46,717 --> 00:07:47,843 and throws it across the room like a hot dog? 215 00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:50,554 That's nothing. Jess brought me a hot lunch lady. 216 00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:52,556 What am I supposed to do with that? 217 00:07:53,432 --> 00:07:54,683 Do sex with the lunch lady. 218 00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:55,934 -Wait. -That's obvious. I have a real... 219 00:07:56,018 --> 00:07:57,728 I know how it sounds. I know how it sounds, 220 00:07:57,811 --> 00:08:00,105 -but she's like, a real lunch lady. -That's hot. 221 00:08:00,189 --> 00:08:01,690 -A woman that's willing, ready and able... -NICK: That's not an issue. 222 00:08:01,773 --> 00:08:03,609 After she has sex with you, she can put food in your mouth. 223 00:08:03,692 --> 00:08:05,360 I do have a real problem. 224 00:08:05,444 --> 00:08:07,821 Schmidt is trying to sleep with a woman I've already slept with. 225 00:08:07,905 --> 00:08:11,450 Well, at least he has a date, because mine never showed up. 226 00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:13,327 Geoff is coming! Apparently, a wild peacock got loose 227 00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:14,912 on the freeway, and is holding up traffic. 228 00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:17,706 Now, you guys, we have guests downstairs. 229 00:08:17,789 --> 00:08:21,084 And if we don't get back to them soon, they're gonna get spooked. 230 00:08:23,587 --> 00:08:26,840 Um, so, have you always been from England? 231 00:08:28,717 --> 00:08:30,135 I'm not going downstairs 232 00:08:30,219 --> 00:08:31,678 until Schmidt agrees to not sleep with Lucy. 233 00:08:31,762 --> 00:08:33,055 Okay, yeah, sure. Never! 234 00:08:33,138 --> 00:08:34,681 According to the statute, 235 00:08:34,765 --> 00:08:37,184 if you two can't agree, we take it to a vote. 236 00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:39,269 The winner gets the girl, the loser 237 00:08:39,353 --> 00:08:40,562 gets five grilled cheese sandwiches. 238 00:08:40,646 --> 00:08:41,772 -NICK: I'll agree to that. -Let's do it. 239 00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,357 All right, all those in favor 240 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,735 of Schmidt not sleeping with Lucy, raise your hand now. 241 00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:47,819 I don't care. Couldn't care less. 242 00:08:47,903 --> 00:08:48,987 NICK: Raise 'em up. 243 00:08:49,071 --> 00:08:50,948 Put 'em up. 244 00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,784 Huzzah! Warning, tonight things will get loud with Lucy. 245 00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,202 But don't worry. I'll have her jam a sock in my mouth 246 00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:56,578 right before I see the angels. 247 00:08:56,662 --> 00:08:59,248 -Okay, guys, what about me? -Get your own sock. 248 00:08:59,331 --> 00:09:01,250 No. What am I gonna do about Ryan? 249 00:09:01,333 --> 00:09:02,668 Just have sex with him. 250 00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:04,837 Look, bang one out, get it out of your system. 251 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:06,588 -I don't do that. -You should do that. 252 00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:08,298 -You should bang one out. -Yeah, makes the most sense. 253 00:09:08,382 --> 00:09:09,842 -What? -Nothing else has worked, 254 00:09:09,925 --> 00:09:11,009 and the best way to get over a crush 255 00:09:11,093 --> 00:09:12,719 is just to do something about it. 256 00:09:12,803 --> 00:09:14,638 -I don't know. -Plus, he's British, 257 00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,056 so you know the sex will be weirdly polite. 258 00:09:16,181 --> 00:09:18,559 (WITH BRITISH ACCENT) Do you mind if I finish now? 259 00:09:18,642 --> 00:09:20,519 He doesn't sound like Oliver Twist. 260 00:09:20,602 --> 00:09:22,437 (BRITISH ACCENT) Do you like that? Is that good, eh? 261 00:09:22,521 --> 00:09:25,315 All right. Here we go. 262 00:09:25,399 --> 00:09:27,568 One, really? Two, what? 263 00:09:27,651 --> 00:09:29,528 (MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY IN BRITISH ACCENT) 264 00:09:29,611 --> 00:09:31,613 Hey, you like it when I do it like that, eh? 265 00:09:31,697 --> 00:09:32,823 That was spot-on. 266 00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:36,285 All those in favor of Jess doing Ryan, raise your hand. 267 00:09:42,416 --> 00:09:44,126 (CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY) 268 00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:45,752 Oh, he's trying to mess with me? 269 00:09:45,836 --> 00:09:48,213 Here I go. 270 00:09:50,674 --> 00:09:52,926 Cecilia. 271 00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:56,013 -No, you cannot have my beer. -(LAUGHS) 272 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:57,472 NICK: You think I'm going after the beer. 273 00:09:57,556 --> 00:09:59,183 -You okay? Okay, great. -Mmm-hmm. 274 00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:03,562 (GROANS) 275 00:10:03,645 --> 00:10:05,147 (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) 276 00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:06,690 (PHONE BUZZING) 277 00:10:11,653 --> 00:10:12,946 (GASPS) 278 00:10:13,030 --> 00:10:14,865 Happy Bangsgiving. 279 00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,700 (WHISPERS) Close the door. 280 00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:20,829 Oh, my God. 281 00:10:20,913 --> 00:10:23,040 Is there nothing underneath that apron? 282 00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:26,835 Just a little white meat looking for some gravy. 283 00:10:26,919 --> 00:10:29,838 That probably wasn't very sexy. I shouldn't have said that! 284 00:10:29,922 --> 00:10:31,965 No, it was very becoming. 285 00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:34,885 I'm totally confused about these oven mitts. 286 00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:37,888 How else am I supposed to take a hot dish out of the oven? 287 00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:40,057 These mitts were a bad idea. 288 00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:45,103 What, uh, got you in the-the, uh, holiday, uh, sp-spirit? 289 00:10:45,187 --> 00:10:47,689 Well, I like you, you like me. 290 00:10:47,773 --> 00:10:51,401 Why don't we just bang one out of our system? 291 00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:53,737 Bang one out of our system? 292 00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:56,823 It sounds really bad. I get that. 293 00:10:56,907 --> 00:10:58,242 And I hear it now, it sounds awful. 294 00:10:58,325 --> 00:11:01,787 But we just bang one out of our system, and then, 295 00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:04,623 we can go back to our strictly professional relationship, 296 00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:07,209 and I can stop thinking about you all the time, which I do. 297 00:11:07,292 --> 00:11:09,002 I didn't come here to bang one out. 298 00:11:09,086 --> 00:11:10,754 Well, you know what I mean. 299 00:11:10,838 --> 00:11:11,839 -Look... -I care about you. 300 00:11:11,922 --> 00:11:13,507 -Well... -Jess, I'm crazy about you. 301 00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:15,717 Ryan, look. Oh, God, it's so complicated. 302 00:11:15,801 --> 00:11:17,845 Can I just put some pants on when we talk about this? 303 00:11:17,928 --> 00:11:19,471 It is complicated. 304 00:11:19,555 --> 00:11:21,932 This would have been worth it. 305 00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,725 Oh, God. Ryan. Ryan! 306 00:11:23,809 --> 00:11:26,144 -Oh, God! -NICK: Oh! Yeah! 307 00:11:26,228 --> 00:11:29,106 (ALL HOOTING AND CLAMORING) 308 00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:31,567 SCHMIDT: Oh, no! 309 00:11:31,650 --> 00:11:34,111 Freaking Bangsgiving. 310 00:11:37,281 --> 00:11:40,075 SCHMIDT: No, I actually put those in there myself. 311 00:11:41,785 --> 00:11:43,453 I'll tell you, I wouldn't eat asparagus though. 312 00:11:43,537 --> 00:11:44,538 It makes your pee smell. 313 00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:45,706 -(LAUGHS) -Mmm. 314 00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:50,711 Hey, Cece, I got that $20 I owe you. 315 00:11:50,794 --> 00:11:52,796 It's, uh... It's in my bedroom. 316 00:11:54,423 --> 00:11:55,549 Okay. 317 00:11:56,133 --> 00:11:57,968 Yeah, it's right this way. 318 00:12:03,140 --> 00:12:05,350 You're really sexy for a Jew. 319 00:12:05,434 --> 00:12:07,060 Not now, woman! 320 00:12:07,978 --> 00:12:09,730 Wait. What? 321 00:12:09,980 --> 00:12:12,065 Who needs men? You don't need a man. 322 00:12:12,149 --> 00:12:14,359 -You can lift your own furniture. -Hey, Pepper. 323 00:12:14,443 --> 00:12:17,196 -Oh, God. -Oh, my God, are you okay? 324 00:12:17,279 --> 00:12:19,156 I am so sorry. You approached my blind spot. 325 00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:20,824 (COACH GROANS) 326 00:12:20,991 --> 00:12:22,117 Your money's in here somewhere. 327 00:12:22,201 --> 00:12:23,952 -Let me just find it, okay? -Oh, great. 328 00:12:24,036 --> 00:12:26,580 -Oh! -What's wrong? You hurt yourself? 329 00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:28,415 No. It's just not there. Uh, let me. 330 00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:29,791 Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! 331 00:12:29,875 --> 00:12:31,543 Ooh. Ooh, that feels so good! 332 00:12:31,627 --> 00:12:33,962 When I'm looking for your money, it feels so good. 333 00:12:34,046 --> 00:12:36,590 (LAUGHING) Oh! I love that! 334 00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:38,300 You're a nasty woman! 335 00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:39,968 'Cause you're making me give the money to you. 336 00:12:40,052 --> 00:12:41,512 Nick... 337 00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:43,722 Oh, Cece, you love this! Getting your money. 338 00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:45,807 -What exactly are you doing right now? -(WHISPERS) I'm getting your money. 339 00:12:45,891 --> 00:12:47,309 You're definitely not getting my money. 340 00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:48,685 In no world do you have my money. 341 00:12:49,478 --> 00:12:50,771 I was flirting with you 342 00:12:50,854 --> 00:12:52,856 to give Schmidt a taste of his own medicine. 343 00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:54,399 Okay? And it's a huge mistake, 344 00:12:54,483 --> 00:12:55,943 and insulting to everyone involved, and I'm sorry. 345 00:12:56,026 --> 00:12:59,321 Yeah, and also, he would never fall for that at all, okay? 346 00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:01,240 You're a dead man, Miller! 347 00:13:01,323 --> 00:13:03,283 -Don't. Don't. -SCHMIDT: I'll choke you to death. 348 00:13:03,367 --> 00:13:04,660 I'll choke you to death. 349 00:13:05,035 --> 00:13:06,370 CECE: Barely fighting. 350 00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:08,622 Schmidt, nothing was going on! He was just trying to make you jealous. 351 00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:10,249 Please. I know that! 352 00:13:10,332 --> 00:13:12,960 He would never hit on you. You're on my Never List. 353 00:13:13,043 --> 00:13:16,255 I know she's on your Never... Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing? 354 00:13:16,338 --> 00:13:18,590 You're pissed at me for bringing Lucy, and you bring Tran as a date? 355 00:13:18,674 --> 00:13:20,759 Hey, leave Tran out of this. He fought in Korea! 356 00:13:20,843 --> 00:13:22,761 I don't know which side, but I know he's a war hero. 357 00:13:22,845 --> 00:13:24,346 You couldn't find one of those drunk girls at the bar? 358 00:13:24,429 --> 00:13:27,057 The ones with no family or friends? That's your sweet spot, man. 359 00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,560 -I know I could have. I didn't want to. -Why not? 360 00:13:30,978 --> 00:13:32,396 What kind of woman have you been sleeping with 361 00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:33,939 since you and Jess broke up? 362 00:13:35,691 --> 00:13:36,942 Terrible ones. 363 00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:38,902 And how does that make you feel? 364 00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:40,779 Terrible. 365 00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:42,406 Then really good. 366 00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:44,366 -Expected. Expected. -There you go. 367 00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:46,159 But then, immediately after, terrible. 368 00:13:46,243 --> 00:13:47,953 I'm just gonna put this out there, but I think 369 00:13:48,036 --> 00:13:49,580 you'd probably rather like to sleep with someone 370 00:13:49,663 --> 00:13:51,206 who doesn't make you feel terrible, 371 00:13:51,290 --> 00:13:54,251 but you're just a little afraid of getting hurt again. 372 00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:57,504 No, that doesn't sound right. 373 00:14:00,799 --> 00:14:03,427 You know, growing up, we had this lunch lady named Ms. Witten. 374 00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:06,471 One day, I cut in line so I can get extra tater tots, 375 00:14:06,555 --> 00:14:10,017 and as punishment, she made me eat the entire tray 376 00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:11,894 in front of her 377 00:14:11,977 --> 00:14:14,438 while she stared at me for a long period of time. 378 00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:17,524 I'm not sure if you know how hard that is for a growing boy. 379 00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:19,526 -How old were you? -I was 18. 380 00:14:19,610 --> 00:14:21,528 (LAUGHS) 381 00:14:21,612 --> 00:14:24,907 If it helps, we're called lunch monitors now. 382 00:14:24,990 --> 00:14:26,867 No one says "lunch lady" anymore. 383 00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:30,871 Oh. Kind of like how we can't call little people "shrinkies." 384 00:14:32,456 --> 00:14:34,750 Oh. Lunch Monitor Pearl. I like it. 385 00:14:41,507 --> 00:14:42,758 Excellent form. 386 00:14:43,425 --> 00:14:44,843 You don't have a hard job. 387 00:14:47,596 --> 00:14:49,223 So, I saw your butt earlier. 388 00:14:49,306 --> 00:14:50,432 It's been holding up nicely. 389 00:14:50,933 --> 00:14:52,851 It does the trick. 390 00:14:54,895 --> 00:14:56,813 And I noticed, uh, Ryan left. 391 00:14:56,897 --> 00:15:00,359 Yeah. Ugh! It's so embarrassing. 392 00:15:01,026 --> 00:15:02,569 I kind of came onto him, 393 00:15:02,653 --> 00:15:06,448 and he told me he wanted more than just sex. 394 00:15:06,532 --> 00:15:09,576 He wanted more than sex and that's a bad thing? How? 395 00:15:09,660 --> 00:15:11,203 Well, look, I'm his boss. 396 00:15:11,662 --> 00:15:14,122 We could get sued, and I could get fired. 397 00:15:14,206 --> 00:15:15,749 There's a reason it's against the rules. 398 00:15:15,832 --> 00:15:17,209 You gotta br... Okay. 399 00:15:17,292 --> 00:15:18,627 Remember when we tried to watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off? 400 00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:22,172 Okay, I stick by that. That kid is not a hero. 401 00:15:22,256 --> 00:15:24,091 All he does is break rules. What's so great about that? 402 00:15:24,174 --> 00:15:26,969 You're taking Rooney's side. No one takes Rooney's side. 403 00:15:27,052 --> 00:15:29,137 I'm a vice principal. Rooney is my people. 404 00:15:29,263 --> 00:15:31,348 Ferris hijacks a parade. 405 00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:32,766 That is an act of terror. 406 00:15:32,850 --> 00:15:34,434 You want to know what I think, 'cause you're not going to like it. 407 00:15:34,518 --> 00:15:35,561 What? 408 00:15:35,644 --> 00:15:37,771 I don't think this is about breaking rules. 409 00:15:37,855 --> 00:15:39,314 I think Ryan scares you. 410 00:15:39,398 --> 00:15:41,942 You like him, and you're going to have to put yourself 411 00:15:42,025 --> 00:15:44,403 out there again, and that scares you. 412 00:15:46,238 --> 00:15:49,449 But look, life moves really fast. 413 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:54,288 And if you don't stop and look around once in a while, 414 00:15:55,539 --> 00:15:57,541 you just might miss it. 415 00:15:58,667 --> 00:15:59,835 Is that from Ferris Bueller? 416 00:15:59,918 --> 00:16:01,378 -Yes, it is. -Okay. 417 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:02,963 -It's a terrific movie. -All right. 418 00:16:03,046 --> 00:16:04,381 And I delivered it perfectly. 419 00:16:04,548 --> 00:16:06,258 It was pretty good. 420 00:16:10,220 --> 00:16:11,471 What are you doing here? 421 00:16:11,722 --> 00:16:13,348 You're fired. 422 00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,560 (LAUGHS) Just kidding. 423 00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,520 Oh, God. 424 00:16:20,439 --> 00:16:22,858 You left without eating so I thought, um... 425 00:16:22,941 --> 00:16:25,277 I'd bring you a pie. Well, most of a pie. 426 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:27,571 The guys ate some of it. That's a lie. 427 00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:30,324 (STAMMERING) I ate... I ate... I ate a piece on the way over. 428 00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:32,618 I-I ate two pieces. Three pieces. 429 00:16:33,035 --> 00:16:34,203 Thank you. 430 00:16:34,286 --> 00:16:35,495 You're welcome. 431 00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:37,706 Would you like to come inside? 432 00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:39,499 No, um, I came here to say something 433 00:16:39,583 --> 00:16:41,585 and that is... 434 00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:43,378 I want more, too. 435 00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:48,300 This dish is empty. 436 00:16:48,383 --> 00:16:50,928 Okay. I ate the whole pie. 437 00:16:51,261 --> 00:16:52,846 Look, I don't know what I'm doing 438 00:16:52,930 --> 00:16:54,223 or where this is going 439 00:16:55,140 --> 00:16:57,267 (SIGHS) and I'm scared, 440 00:16:57,351 --> 00:17:00,479 but it's worth it 'cause it feels big. 441 00:17:01,355 --> 00:17:03,815 And that's why I'm going to leave right now, 442 00:17:03,899 --> 00:17:05,359 and we're going to take it slow. 443 00:17:13,992 --> 00:17:15,452 Wow. 444 00:17:15,536 --> 00:17:18,413 Well, tonight is Bangsgiving, 445 00:17:18,497 --> 00:17:19,915 and I have to honor my American traditions. 446 00:17:19,998 --> 00:17:22,709 And it's my duty as an American... 447 00:17:25,462 --> 00:17:28,799 I think I'm going to stop being afraid and start dating. 448 00:17:29,675 --> 00:17:32,261 You probably knew all along, didn't you? 449 00:17:32,344 --> 00:17:34,888 If only I could meet a girl like you, Tran. 450 00:17:34,972 --> 00:17:37,182 Your face, your brain, throw it in a dress, 451 00:17:37,266 --> 00:17:39,726 oh, daddy, I'd be with her forever. 452 00:17:39,810 --> 00:17:41,061 I'm getting off topic. 453 00:17:41,144 --> 00:17:43,897 Thanks for the talk. I feel a lot better. 454 00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:47,568 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 455 00:17:48,652 --> 00:17:50,153 Tran, are these all yours? 456 00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:51,572 Come on, man. 457 00:17:51,655 --> 00:17:53,156 I thought you were switching to white wine. 458 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,158 How do you think you're going to get home now? 459 00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:57,578 You're not driving, so how are you going to get home? 460 00:17:57,661 --> 00:17:58,996 (KNOCKING AT DOOR) 461 00:18:00,706 --> 00:18:02,332 Hey. Are you Nick? 462 00:18:04,626 --> 00:18:08,172 You the guy who's obsessed with my grandfather? 463 00:18:10,299 --> 00:18:12,342 Grandpaps, you ready to go? 464 00:18:18,432 --> 00:18:20,851 -Hey. -(SCREAMS) 465 00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:22,978 Ah, ah, ha... Hey. 466 00:18:23,061 --> 00:18:25,439 I'm taking off. Um... 467 00:18:25,522 --> 00:18:27,024 Sorry I body-slammed you 468 00:18:27,107 --> 00:18:28,901 but this doesn't feel like it's working out 469 00:18:28,984 --> 00:18:30,277 so I don't really want to waste our time. 470 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:33,071 Look, Pepper, um... 471 00:18:33,155 --> 00:18:34,156 I think you're beautiful, 472 00:18:35,073 --> 00:18:36,491 and very nice. 473 00:18:36,575 --> 00:18:38,285 I just, uh... 474 00:18:38,368 --> 00:18:40,662 You know, I'm not used to 475 00:18:40,746 --> 00:18:43,165 dating women that are stronger than me. 476 00:18:43,248 --> 00:18:44,917 How do you know that I'm stronger than you? 477 00:18:45,209 --> 00:18:46,752 Do you want to arm wrestle? 478 00:18:46,835 --> 00:18:48,545 Yeah, like I'm that insecure that I have to prove 479 00:18:48,629 --> 00:18:50,756 my masculinity by arm wrestling a girl. 480 00:18:50,839 --> 00:18:53,342 (YELLS) Come on. 481 00:18:53,717 --> 00:18:55,052 -Ready? -Yeah. 482 00:18:55,135 --> 00:18:56,428 One, two, three. 483 00:18:56,512 --> 00:18:58,805 (GRUNTING) 484 00:19:00,182 --> 00:19:01,725 (YELLS) 485 00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:04,311 Yes! That's how you do it! 486 00:19:04,394 --> 00:19:07,397 -That's how it's uh-uh-uh done! -(LAUGHS) 487 00:19:07,481 --> 00:19:09,650 -(MOANING) -(GIGGLING) 488 00:19:10,901 --> 00:19:12,194 Thank you for letting me win. 489 00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:13,862 Sure. Anytime. 490 00:19:20,536 --> 00:19:21,787 Well, Lucy left. 491 00:19:21,870 --> 00:19:23,330 Turns out she's a bit of an anti-Semite. 492 00:19:23,455 --> 00:19:25,749 -Hmm. -Yeah, looks like we both struck out. 493 00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:27,835 Okay, Schmidt, there is no Geoff. 494 00:19:27,918 --> 00:19:30,838 Come on. But to be honest, I'm kind of glad there isn't. 495 00:19:30,921 --> 00:19:32,214 You know, Thanksgiving should be spent 496 00:19:32,297 --> 00:19:33,757 with the people that you care about. 497 00:19:36,176 --> 00:19:37,886 -Let me get you a beer. -By the way, 498 00:19:38,846 --> 00:19:40,180 you're on my Never List, too. 499 00:19:48,230 --> 00:19:49,273 Hi. 500 00:19:50,148 --> 00:19:51,775 Are you Cece? 501 00:19:51,859 --> 00:19:54,319 I'm Geoff. Um, I'm Schmidt's friend. 502 00:19:54,403 --> 00:19:55,404 I'm sorry I'm late. 503 00:19:55,487 --> 00:19:58,031 I hit a peacock on my way here 504 00:19:58,115 --> 00:20:01,076 and then I held it in my arms until it died. 505 00:20:01,159 --> 00:20:04,288 It was horrible, but also kind of uplifting. 506 00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:06,415 Um, anyway, I brought creamed spinach. 507 00:20:09,334 --> 00:20:12,129 (SPEAKING HINDI) 508 00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:19,344 It takes time 509 00:20:20,929 --> 00:20:23,140 You worry too much 510 00:20:23,682 --> 00:20:26,476 (PANTING) 511 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:29,313 All those sunny days 512 00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:31,899 -(GRUNTS) -Yeah! (LAUGHS) 513 00:20:31,982 --> 00:20:35,569 You worry too much 514 00:20:37,070 --> 00:20:38,405 -There's my number. -Gr... 515 00:20:38,488 --> 00:20:40,949 Tran! Hey, would you hit that. Maybe... 516 00:20:41,033 --> 00:20:42,492 Yeah. 517 00:20:42,576 --> 00:20:46,205 'Cause nothing is real 518 00:20:47,497 --> 00:20:49,917 When you're all alone 519 00:20:53,045 --> 00:20:56,507 'Cause nothing is real 520 00:20:58,091 --> 00:21:01,720 My mother told me so 521 00:21:01,803 --> 00:21:03,972 Don't let the sun kiss your lips 522 00:21:04,056 --> 00:21:06,433 She knows all of the tricks 523 00:21:06,517 --> 00:21:08,143 Let the sun kiss your lips... 524 00:21:08,227 --> 00:21:09,811 Ed Rooney. 525 00:21:09,895 --> 00:21:11,813 CAMERON OVER PHONE: Hi. This is George Peterson. 526 00:21:11,897 --> 00:21:13,565 How are you today, sir? 527 00:21:13,649 --> 00:21:16,193 JESS: (GROANS) It's not him, Rooney. 528 00:21:17,027 --> 00:21:20,572 This movie should be called The Day Rooney Tried to Do His Job. 39880

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