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♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
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00:00:05,470 --> 00:00:08,782
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
3
00:00:08,806 --> 00:00:11,068
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
4
00:00:11,092 --> 00:00:14,076
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
5
00:00:16,814 --> 00:00:18,925
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
6
00:00:18,949 --> 00:00:20,869
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
7
00:00:22,270 --> 00:00:24,381
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
8
00:00:24,405 --> 00:00:26,917
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
9
00:00:26,941 --> 00:00:28,418
♪ F Troop! ♪
10
00:00:28,442 --> 00:00:31,087
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
11
00:00:31,111 --> 00:00:33,423
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
12
00:00:33,447 --> 00:00:36,727
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
13
00:00:36,751 --> 00:00:39,396
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
14
00:00:39,420 --> 00:00:41,431
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
15
00:00:41,455 --> 00:00:44,267
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
16
00:00:44,291 --> 00:00:46,970
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
17
00:00:46,994 --> 00:00:51,057
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
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00:00:51,081 --> 00:00:52,498
♪ F Troop! ♪
19
00:01:43,918 --> 00:01:45,261
Hey, Wilton. Where you headed?
20
00:01:45,285 --> 00:01:46,963
I was just headed
over to your store.
21
00:01:46,987 --> 00:01:48,165
I'm fresh out of saddle soap.
22
00:01:48,189 --> 00:01:49,399
Ain't that nice?
23
00:01:49,423 --> 00:01:51,101
Is it all right if you
leave the fort now?
24
00:01:51,125 --> 00:01:52,502
Oh, yes. This is
the rest period.
25
00:01:52,526 --> 00:01:54,637
I... I don't have
to be back till 3:00.
26
00:01:54,661 --> 00:01:56,673
What happens then?
The recreation period.
27
00:01:56,697 --> 00:01:59,409
I'm very strict about
sticking to the schedule.
28
00:01:59,433 --> 00:02:00,777
That's good.
29
00:02:00,801 --> 00:02:03,180
Then we'll have time to
walk over to Courtin' Rock.
30
00:02:03,204 --> 00:02:05,916
It's nice and peaceful
and quiet out there.
31
00:02:05,940 --> 00:02:07,751
Oh, it's peaceful
and quiet right here.
32
00:02:07,775 --> 00:02:09,419
That's why I like it here.
33
00:02:09,443 --> 00:02:13,423
It's... It's not wild and noisy
like back home in Philadelphia.
34
00:02:13,447 --> 00:02:15,158
Bartender! Beer!
35
00:02:15,182 --> 00:02:17,160
Comin' right up.
36
00:02:17,184 --> 00:02:20,152
What does O'Rourke mean,
I got sticky fingers? Uh...
37
00:02:21,255 --> 00:02:23,433
I never stole a
cent in my life, boss.
38
00:02:23,457 --> 00:02:25,018
Hey! Don't call me "boss."
39
00:02:25,042 --> 00:02:26,920
We pay you 8 bucks a week.
40
00:02:26,944 --> 00:02:28,555
How much could a man spend?
41
00:02:28,579 --> 00:02:31,024
You saw my references.
42
00:02:31,048 --> 00:02:33,393
Everybody ever fired
me said I was honest.
43
00:02:33,417 --> 00:02:34,394
Beer!
44
00:02:34,418 --> 00:02:36,819
Sloppy, but honest.
45
00:02:38,522 --> 00:02:40,534
Oh, Pete. Now look
what you've done.
46
00:02:40,558 --> 00:02:41,668
Butterfingers!
47
00:02:41,692 --> 00:02:43,570
I'm sorry... Keep
your hands off of me.
48
00:02:43,594 --> 00:02:45,772
Uh... Uh... The... Uh... The...
This one's on the house...
49
00:02:45,796 --> 00:02:46,906
Wait a minute.
50
00:02:46,930 --> 00:02:49,030
I'll give it to him.
51
00:02:53,053 --> 00:02:54,631
I ought to blast
the both of you.
52
00:02:54,655 --> 00:02:56,299
Oh... Oh, gee, I'm...
Gimme that cloth!
53
00:02:56,323 --> 00:02:58,172
I'm sorry, mister. I'm sorry,
54
00:02:59,210 --> 00:03:01,910
Sarge... he's in again.
55
00:03:13,123 --> 00:03:14,523
Nappy time.
56
00:03:23,601 --> 00:03:25,645
Are you all right, Charlie?
57
00:03:25,669 --> 00:03:27,747
Never felt better in my life.
58
00:03:27,771 --> 00:03:30,984
They got an awful lot to
learn about running a saloon.
59
00:03:31,008 --> 00:03:33,775
I'd like to see
them do that again.
60
00:03:37,915 --> 00:03:39,559
They did.
61
00:03:45,155 --> 00:03:46,533
Oh, he didn't look well.
62
00:03:46,557 --> 00:03:47,934
He ought to go
home and lie down.
63
00:03:47,958 --> 00:03:49,869
Fall down is more like it.
64
00:03:49,893 --> 00:03:51,971
Gettin' so this town
ain't a fittin' place
65
00:03:51,995 --> 00:03:53,695
to marry and raise children.
66
00:03:54,998 --> 00:03:57,076
When are you gonna do
something about that saloon?
67
00:03:57,100 --> 00:03:59,713
Now, now, Janey, it's
not a cavalry problem.
68
00:03:59,737 --> 00:04:01,648
Well, it's a
territorial problem,
69
00:04:01,672 --> 00:04:04,239
and you're the military
governor of this here town.
70
00:04:08,412 --> 00:04:10,390
Well, that does it.
71
00:04:10,414 --> 00:04:12,191
I'm swearing off.
72
00:04:12,215 --> 00:04:14,449
Till this afternoon.
73
00:04:16,437 --> 00:04:19,149
Well, when are you gonna
do something about it?
74
00:04:19,173 --> 00:04:22,307
Janey... I'm going
in there right now.
75
00:04:24,628 --> 00:04:25,860
Oh!
76
00:04:29,132 --> 00:04:30,499
There's another one.
77
00:04:31,968 --> 00:04:35,047
You'd better go someplace
and sleep this off, mister.
78
00:04:35,071 --> 00:04:36,972
There. I'll get your hat.
79
00:04:41,578 --> 00:04:43,023
Captain, what are
you doing here?
80
00:04:43,047 --> 00:04:45,391
Well, I was going inside,
but I've seen enough.
81
00:04:45,415 --> 00:04:47,293
I'm going back to the
fort and write an order
82
00:04:47,317 --> 00:04:48,528
closing this saloon.
83
00:04:48,552 --> 00:04:52,465
Sergeant... take
care of this drunk.
84
00:04:52,489 --> 00:04:54,634
Sarge! He's gonna
close the saloon.
85
00:04:54,658 --> 00:04:55,802
What'll we do?
86
00:04:55,826 --> 00:04:57,771
What we always do:
I'll think of something.
87
00:04:57,795 --> 00:04:58,872
Where is he?
88
00:04:58,896 --> 00:05:00,506
Where's that
sawed-off little runt?
89
00:05:00,530 --> 00:05:01,941
Ah, now, wait a minute.
90
00:05:01,965 --> 00:05:04,310
Who are you to call our
captain a sawed-off little runt?
91
00:05:04,334 --> 00:05:05,712
Who do you think
you are, anyway?
92
00:05:05,736 --> 00:05:06,980
Urp!
93
00:05:07,004 --> 00:05:08,848
The captain was right.
He's got a snootful.
94
00:05:08,872 --> 00:05:10,249
Yeah. Urp. I'm Sam Urp.
95
00:05:10,273 --> 00:05:12,318
The fastest gun in the West.
96
00:05:12,342 --> 00:05:14,754
You tell that two-bit
captain to start totin' a gun,
97
00:05:14,778 --> 00:05:18,158
'cause the next time we
meet, I'm gonna kill him.
98
00:05:18,182 --> 00:05:20,849
Now, get out of my way
'fore somebody gets hurt.
99
00:05:31,261 --> 00:05:33,272
Hey, Agarn, everything's
taken... care of...
100
00:05:33,296 --> 00:05:34,696
Oh, shoot...
101
00:05:37,501 --> 00:05:39,434
Here we go, little baby.
102
00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:45,051
Huh?
103
00:05:45,075 --> 00:05:47,253
Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, he's still in there.
104
00:05:47,277 --> 00:05:48,788
Hey, Geronimo!
105
00:05:48,812 --> 00:05:49,889
Sarge. Hey.
106
00:05:49,913 --> 00:05:51,190
What a terrible night.
107
00:05:51,214 --> 00:05:52,191
How can a man sleep,
108
00:05:52,215 --> 00:05:53,993
laying in bed, worrying
about our saloon?
109
00:05:54,017 --> 00:05:55,362
Yeah, what a team we are, Agarn.
110
00:05:55,386 --> 00:05:57,063
If it wasn't for you
doing the worrying,
111
00:05:57,087 --> 00:05:58,431
I'd never get anything done.
112
00:05:58,455 --> 00:05:59,533
What'd you do?
113
00:05:59,557 --> 00:06:01,167
I went to the saloon,
talked to Pete.
114
00:06:01,191 --> 00:06:02,669
Everything's fixed.
115
00:06:02,693 --> 00:06:03,803
What do you want me to do?
116
00:06:03,827 --> 00:06:05,471
Do what you do best: just worry.
117
00:06:05,495 --> 00:06:07,106
You bet I'm worried.
118
00:06:07,130 --> 00:06:09,126
If he closes our saloon,
we're out of business.
119
00:06:09,150 --> 00:06:10,827
The captain ain't
gonna close nothing.
120
00:06:10,851 --> 00:06:12,028
Now, get into your duds.
121
00:06:12,052 --> 00:06:14,397
Dobbs, I've given
it a lot of thought,
122
00:06:14,421 --> 00:06:16,082
and I've got to
close that saloon.
123
00:06:16,106 --> 00:06:18,117
You're absolutely
right, captain.
124
00:06:18,141 --> 00:06:20,620
You no idea of the
wild goin's-on in there.
125
00:06:20,644 --> 00:06:22,422
Why... Why, I
went in that saloon
126
00:06:22,446 --> 00:06:23,890
one Saturday night, Uh, Dobbs...
127
00:06:23,914 --> 00:06:26,109
And this dancing girl I
never even been introduced to
128
00:06:26,133 --> 00:06:27,877
come up to me with a
deck of cards and says,
129
00:06:27,901 --> 00:06:29,378
"How about a little
game, soldier?"
130
00:06:29,402 --> 00:06:30,580
Dobbs... She took me for $8,
131
00:06:30,604 --> 00:06:31,848
and I never did know before
132
00:06:31,872 --> 00:06:34,684
that out West, the six of
clubs is the big casino...
133
00:06:34,708 --> 00:06:35,801
Dobbs!
134
00:06:35,825 --> 00:06:36,820
Something wrong, sir?
135
00:06:36,844 --> 00:06:38,176
Yes.
136
00:06:43,616 --> 00:06:44,994
Now, let's try it.
137
00:06:45,018 --> 00:06:46,918
I thought it was a
little crowded in there.
138
00:06:49,857 --> 00:06:51,323
There we go. That's...
139
00:06:53,060 --> 00:06:54,204
Uh...
140
00:06:54,228 --> 00:06:56,172
Uh, you go ahead and
blow "Assembly," Dobbs.
141
00:06:56,196 --> 00:06:57,174
I'll be right out.
142
00:06:57,198 --> 00:06:58,175
"Assembly."
143
00:06:58,199 --> 00:07:03,283
That goes, uh...
Yeah, I know that one.
144
00:07:24,541 --> 00:07:26,419
That's enough.
145
00:07:26,443 --> 00:07:28,488
Aw, shucks. I wanted to
hear the second chorus.
146
00:07:28,512 --> 00:07:29,489
That's even purtier.
147
00:07:29,513 --> 00:07:31,112
I'm sure it is.
148
00:07:35,035 --> 00:07:38,035
Ten-hut!
149
00:07:39,139 --> 00:07:40,116
Oh.
150
00:07:40,140 --> 00:07:41,584
Troop ready for inspection, sir.
151
00:07:41,608 --> 00:07:43,008
Thank you, sergeant.
152
00:07:59,642 --> 00:08:01,120
There, that's better.
153
00:08:01,144 --> 00:08:02,772
Oh, hello, captain.
154
00:08:02,796 --> 00:08:04,228
Hi.
155
00:08:21,431 --> 00:08:23,743
Uh, I'm... sorry
about that, Duffy.
156
00:08:23,767 --> 00:08:26,367
Don't worry,
captain. I'll fix it later.
157
00:08:31,474 --> 00:08:32,719
Sergeant.
158
00:08:32,743 --> 00:08:34,788
Uh, corporal, can't you
do something about that?
159
00:08:34,812 --> 00:08:35,955
Duttleson!
160
00:08:35,979 --> 00:08:37,557
You're in line,
but your belly ain't!
161
00:08:37,581 --> 00:08:39,014
Now, pull it in!
162
00:08:47,157 --> 00:08:48,397
Troop, at ease.
163
00:08:49,459 --> 00:08:51,337
Now, I have a little
announcement to make.
164
00:08:51,361 --> 00:08:53,973
Until further notice, the
saloon will be off-limits
165
00:08:53,997 --> 00:08:55,041
to all personnel.
166
00:08:56,366 --> 00:08:58,128
Quiet! Uh, sir?
167
00:08:58,152 --> 00:09:00,563
That dive is our only source
of innocent amusement.
168
00:09:00,587 --> 00:09:02,048
It's our home away from home.
169
00:09:02,072 --> 00:09:03,349
Some home.
170
00:09:03,373 --> 00:09:04,551
I passed by there yesterday
171
00:09:04,575 --> 00:09:07,055
and almost got hit
by a flying drunk.
172
00:09:10,147 --> 00:09:11,224
All right, now, men.
173
00:09:11,248 --> 00:09:12,859
If the captain
wants to close that...
174
00:09:12,883 --> 00:09:14,660
uh... den of inequity,
175
00:09:14,684 --> 00:09:16,629
he's doing it for your own good.
176
00:09:16,653 --> 00:09:18,698
Captain, I think we ought
to get right over there
177
00:09:18,722 --> 00:09:19,733
and close it, now.
178
00:09:19,757 --> 00:09:22,197
Good thinking, sergeant.
179
00:09:22,326 --> 00:09:23,925
Oh, captain, sir.
180
00:09:29,149 --> 00:09:30,782
Dismissed.
181
00:09:38,892 --> 00:09:41,270
Here, here, boys. Stop that.
182
00:09:41,294 --> 00:09:42,738
Grab him. I... I said stop that.
183
00:09:42,762 --> 00:09:44,507
Now, this here's
the military governor,
184
00:09:44,531 --> 00:09:46,309
and he don't allow
no fighting around here
185
00:09:46,333 --> 00:09:47,610
because this is war territory.
186
00:09:47,634 --> 00:09:48,733
Sissy!
187
00:09:53,173 --> 00:09:56,007
Captain... they've
changed the sign.
188
00:09:57,678 --> 00:10:00,489
Whatever happened to the saloon?
189
00:10:00,513 --> 00:10:03,259
"Tinkerbell's Ice Cream Parlor"?
190
00:10:03,283 --> 00:10:05,662
They're just trying to pull
the wool over your eyes, sir.
191
00:10:05,686 --> 00:10:08,264
Oh, that Pete, he's
a crafty one, sir.
192
00:10:08,288 --> 00:10:10,933
Well, maybe he's really
trying to clean the place up.
193
00:10:10,957 --> 00:10:12,135
Let's go inside and see.
194
00:10:12,159 --> 00:10:13,319
Huh.
195
00:10:27,991 --> 00:10:29,401
Well.
196
00:10:29,425 --> 00:10:31,385
Yeah. Certainly
is a lot different.
197
00:10:43,406 --> 00:10:45,952
Oh, it's very nice. Homey.
198
00:10:45,976 --> 00:10:48,421
You know, I wouldn't be ashamed
to bring my mother in here.
199
00:10:48,445 --> 00:10:50,489
That's the kind of business
we need: his mother.
200
00:10:50,513 --> 00:10:51,624
Yeah.
201
00:10:51,648 --> 00:10:54,360
A little sarsaparilla,
Captain Parmenter?
202
00:10:54,384 --> 00:10:56,029
Yeah, don't mind if I do.
203
00:10:56,053 --> 00:10:57,197
Yeah, make it three, Pete.
204
00:10:57,221 --> 00:10:59,165
Easy on mine.
I'm trying to quit.
205
00:11:00,790 --> 00:11:03,769
Well, if this don't
beat a busted tom-tom.
206
00:11:03,793 --> 00:11:05,905
Well, hello, Janey.
May I buy you a drink?
207
00:11:05,929 --> 00:11:06,906
Wilton.
208
00:11:06,930 --> 00:11:08,224
Oh, it's all right, Wrangler.
209
00:11:08,248 --> 00:11:10,359
This is vintage
stuff. Sarsaparilla.
210
00:11:10,383 --> 00:11:13,429
1776 was a great
year for sarsaparilla.
211
00:11:13,453 --> 00:11:14,931
Not now, thank you.
212
00:11:14,955 --> 00:11:17,166
Wilton, did you forget
that we had a date?
213
00:11:17,190 --> 00:11:18,301
A date? I...
214
00:11:18,325 --> 00:11:21,003
Oh, my gun lesson.
I forgot all about it.
215
00:11:21,027 --> 00:11:23,640
I... Say, I'm
learning real fast too.
216
00:11:23,664 --> 00:11:25,308
Watch this. Either hand.
217
00:11:25,332 --> 00:11:26,681
Ha-ha-ha-ha...
218
00:11:28,719 --> 00:11:30,496
Good trick, captain.
219
00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:32,837
Especially if the other
guy's fighting with beer mugs.
220
00:11:36,310 --> 00:11:38,254
Sorry about that. H... Here...
221
00:11:38,278 --> 00:11:40,590
It's all right, captain.
We'll take care of it.
222
00:11:40,614 --> 00:11:43,826
Come on, Wilton. I can't stay
away from the store all day.
223
00:11:43,850 --> 00:11:46,784
Uh... Excuse me, gentlemen. Mm.
224
00:11:53,293 --> 00:11:56,160
Don't tell me he got
that way on sarsaparilla.
225
00:11:57,381 --> 00:11:59,108
Sergeant, that
drunk's back again.
226
00:11:59,132 --> 00:12:01,332
We'll take care of him, sir.
227
00:12:12,795 --> 00:12:15,641
Did you ever think of coming
in through the window?
228
00:12:15,665 --> 00:12:17,376
Fastest gun in the West, huh?
229
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:19,478
You can't even outdraw
a swinging door, ha.
230
00:12:19,502 --> 00:12:21,947
Hey, Pete, get rid of this slop
and get us a couple of drinks.
231
00:12:21,971 --> 00:12:23,549
One of these days,
I'm gonna catch him
232
00:12:23,573 --> 00:12:24,983
away from them swinging doors.
233
00:12:25,007 --> 00:12:27,386
You tin soldiers'll be
looking for a new captain.
234
00:12:27,410 --> 00:12:28,721
Urp... Bless you.
235
00:12:28,745 --> 00:12:30,223
I'm gonna give you
a piece of advice
236
00:12:30,247 --> 00:12:31,391
that might save your life.
237
00:12:31,415 --> 00:12:33,559
Don't tangle with
Wilton Parmenter.
238
00:12:33,583 --> 00:12:36,362
Winner of the Civil War
and Scourge of the West.
239
00:12:36,386 --> 00:12:37,597
Hogwash.
240
00:12:37,621 --> 00:12:40,132
You tell that sawed-off
sliver of buzzard bait
241
00:12:40,156 --> 00:12:42,134
there's room in the
West for just one Scourge,
242
00:12:42,158 --> 00:12:43,669
and that's me!
243
00:12:43,693 --> 00:12:45,237
If I was you, I'd
get out of this town.
244
00:12:45,261 --> 00:12:46,973
That sawed-off
sliver of buzzard bait
245
00:12:46,997 --> 00:12:49,275
was weaned on a shooting iron.
246
00:12:49,299 --> 00:12:51,739
Oh, I'm... scared to death.
247
00:12:57,073 --> 00:12:58,417
I'm going back to the fort.
248
00:12:58,441 --> 00:13:00,252
I can't stand the
sight of blood.
249
00:13:00,276 --> 00:13:01,253
Wait a minute.
250
00:13:01,277 --> 00:13:02,321
What blood?
251
00:13:02,345 --> 00:13:03,322
It could be mine.
252
00:13:03,346 --> 00:13:04,924
Hey... You're not
going no place.
253
00:13:04,948 --> 00:13:07,026
Now, listen, we gotta do
something and do it fast,
254
00:13:07,050 --> 00:13:08,427
or Urp's gonna kill the captain.
255
00:13:08,451 --> 00:13:09,929
But how are we
gonna stop him, sarge?
256
00:13:09,953 --> 00:13:11,097
I got an idea.
257
00:13:11,121 --> 00:13:13,099
We'll put his shooting
hand out of commission.
258
00:13:13,123 --> 00:13:14,667
Great idea, sarge.
Take care of it.
259
00:13:14,691 --> 00:13:16,568
Uh, wait a minute.
I need your help.
260
00:13:16,592 --> 00:13:18,203
I can't do it alone. Do what?
261
00:13:18,227 --> 00:13:19,705
Well, he's gotta
have an accident,
262
00:13:19,729 --> 00:13:21,107
so he can't shoot nobody.
263
00:13:21,131 --> 00:13:23,497
Now, if something was
to mash his hand, like...
264
00:13:25,052 --> 00:13:27,596
Well, like that
potted plant, see?
265
00:13:27,620 --> 00:13:29,298
Well, how is that
gonna fall on his hand?
266
00:13:29,322 --> 00:13:30,333
He's way down there.
267
00:13:30,357 --> 00:13:31,567
That's where you come in.
268
00:13:31,591 --> 00:13:34,003
You move him down, get
his hand underneath that plant,
269
00:13:34,027 --> 00:13:35,771
I cut the rope.
270
00:13:35,795 --> 00:13:37,240
When we get
through with that guy,
271
00:13:37,264 --> 00:13:39,608
his hand'll look like a
five-fingered pancake.
272
00:13:39,632 --> 00:13:41,411
Now, go on, get to work.
273
00:13:44,788 --> 00:13:46,031
Oh, hello, Mr. Urp.
274
00:13:46,055 --> 00:13:47,922
You still here?
275
00:13:49,426 --> 00:13:52,271
Look, chum, it ain't
that crowded in here.
276
00:13:52,295 --> 00:13:54,340
You're a... You're
a sport, Mr. Urp.
277
00:13:54,364 --> 00:13:56,342
Say, did you ever hear the one
278
00:13:56,366 --> 00:13:58,477
about the two girls
in Kansas City?
279
00:13:58,501 --> 00:13:59,878
This is a lollapalooza.
280
00:13:59,902 --> 00:14:01,747
What about the two
girls from Kansas City?
281
00:14:01,771 --> 00:14:05,150
Well, come on down here
and I'll... tell you about it.
282
00:14:05,174 --> 00:14:07,020
Well, there was these
two sisters, you see,
283
00:14:07,044 --> 00:14:09,822
in Kansas City, you
see, and... Hey, Pete!
284
00:14:09,846 --> 00:14:11,023
How about a couple of drinks
285
00:14:11,047 --> 00:14:12,124
for me and my friend, Urp?
286
00:14:12,148 --> 00:14:14,159
What about the two
sisters in Kansas City?
287
00:14:14,183 --> 00:14:15,528
Well, now, there were these...
288
00:14:15,552 --> 00:14:17,479
These two, uh, sisters...
Where you going?
289
00:14:17,503 --> 00:14:19,666
Uh, I don't want Pete
to hear. He's too young.
290
00:14:19,690 --> 00:14:22,085
Well, anyway, there
were these two girls, see,
291
00:14:22,109 --> 00:14:24,653
and they both fell in love with
the same traveling salesman...
292
00:14:24,677 --> 00:14:26,311
Here you are, gents.
293
00:14:27,947 --> 00:14:29,892
Well, go ahead, soldier.
Now, these two girls
294
00:14:29,916 --> 00:14:31,694
in love with the same
salesman, then what?
295
00:14:31,718 --> 00:14:35,030
Well... take a drink
and it'll be funnier.
296
00:14:35,054 --> 00:14:36,932
Oh, don't... Don't drink
with your left hand.
297
00:14:36,956 --> 00:14:38,067
It's bad luck.
298
00:14:38,091 --> 00:14:39,524
It is? Yeah.
299
00:14:48,201 --> 00:14:50,561
Ah, never mind the
story. That's funnier.
300
00:14:56,259 --> 00:14:57,903
Agarn, what's the
matter with you?
301
00:14:57,927 --> 00:14:59,504
Can't you do anything right?
302
00:14:59,528 --> 00:15:00,973
Five-finger pancake...
303
00:15:00,997 --> 00:15:03,477
Well, don't just stand there.
Bring me the maple syrup.
304
00:15:06,820 --> 00:15:07,997
Ooh, oh, oh!
305
00:15:10,157 --> 00:15:12,235
Oh, you poor man.
306
00:15:12,259 --> 00:15:13,636
Now, you've mashed your hand,
307
00:15:13,660 --> 00:15:15,471
and you can't go
gunning for the captain.
308
00:15:17,497 --> 00:15:19,074
You think so, huh?
309
00:15:19,098 --> 00:15:20,698
Well, I...
310
00:15:38,301 --> 00:15:39,533
Hey...
311
00:15:54,301 --> 00:15:55,978
No, Wilton, no.
312
00:15:56,002 --> 00:15:57,602
Watch me.
313
00:16:01,257 --> 00:16:02,935
Oh.
314
00:16:02,959 --> 00:16:04,692
Oh, more like this, huh?
315
00:16:13,303 --> 00:16:14,913
Well, you're getting
better, Wilton.
316
00:16:14,937 --> 00:16:17,082
That time you hit
the side of the barn.
317
00:16:17,106 --> 00:16:18,083
Same time tomorrow?
318
00:16:18,107 --> 00:16:19,351
Uh, that'll be fine, Janey.
319
00:16:19,375 --> 00:16:21,220
Then I'll be getting
back to the store, now.
320
00:16:21,244 --> 00:16:22,488
Bye-bye. Bye, Janey.
321
00:16:22,512 --> 00:16:24,856
Oh, uh, captain, would
you sign this, please, sir?
322
00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:26,825
Oh, hello, men. Don't
sir! It ain't that bad!
323
00:16:26,849 --> 00:16:28,694
Oh, we'll take care
of the whole thing, sir.
324
00:16:28,718 --> 00:16:30,029
Just... Just sign right here.
325
00:16:30,053 --> 00:16:31,163
Oh, what is it?
326
00:16:31,187 --> 00:16:32,865
I-it's an authorization
for F Troop
327
00:16:32,889 --> 00:16:34,433
to run Sam Urp out of town, sir.
328
00:16:34,457 --> 00:16:36,101
Oh... Sam Urp?
329
00:16:36,125 --> 00:16:37,420
Mm. You know, sir.
330
00:16:37,444 --> 00:16:39,622
That uncouth character
that hangs around the sal...
331
00:16:39,646 --> 00:16:42,208
Uh, Tinkerbell's
Ice Cream Parlor.
332
00:16:42,232 --> 00:16:44,009
Well, why do you want
to run him out of town?
333
00:16:44,033 --> 00:16:46,412
Wouldn't it be better if we
just got him to stop drinking?
334
00:16:46,436 --> 00:16:48,414
Uh, captain, you can't
let a drunken desperado
335
00:16:48,438 --> 00:16:49,981
make a shambles
out of Fort Courage
336
00:16:50,005 --> 00:16:52,451
and endanger the existence
of this entire community.
337
00:16:52,475 --> 00:16:53,552
Here, ahem.
338
00:16:53,576 --> 00:16:55,454
No, no, no. Gentlemen...
Gentlemen, please.
339
00:16:55,478 --> 00:16:58,057
Now, it wouldn't be fair to turn
the whole troop loose on him.
340
00:16:58,081 --> 00:16:59,425
Now, if he doesn't stop drinking
341
00:16:59,449 --> 00:17:00,893
and he continues
to make trouble,
342
00:17:00,917 --> 00:17:02,562
I'll just have to ask
him to leave town.
343
00:17:02,586 --> 00:17:04,363
Yeah, but, captain...
No buts, sergeant.
344
00:17:04,387 --> 00:17:06,988
As military governor, it's a
matter I'll handle personally.
345
00:17:09,025 --> 00:17:10,090
Oh.
346
00:17:12,696 --> 00:17:13,739
Poor Captain Parmenter.
347
00:17:13,763 --> 00:17:15,440
And he had
everything to live for.
348
00:17:15,464 --> 00:17:16,676
Yeah.
349
00:17:16,700 --> 00:17:18,443
We'll never find
another pigeon like him
350
00:17:18,467 --> 00:17:20,201
if we hatch one ourselves.
351
00:17:20,937 --> 00:17:22,181
I got it, Agarn.
352
00:17:22,205 --> 00:17:24,784
You stay here and guard Sam Urp.
353
00:17:24,808 --> 00:17:25,985
By myself? That's right.
354
00:17:26,009 --> 00:17:27,086
What about you?
355
00:17:27,110 --> 00:17:29,510
I'm gonna have him kidnapped.
356
00:17:30,046 --> 00:17:31,140
Kidnapped?!
357
00:17:31,164 --> 00:17:32,407
Kidnapped?
358
00:17:32,431 --> 00:17:35,210
Hekawi peaceful tribe.
Never kidnap nobody.
359
00:17:35,234 --> 00:17:36,411
Now, wait a minute.
360
00:17:36,435 --> 00:17:38,280
We got a good thing
goin' with this captain.
361
00:17:38,304 --> 00:17:39,682
Do you wanna see him get killed?
362
00:17:39,706 --> 00:17:41,250
More better than
Hekawi get killed.
363
00:17:41,274 --> 00:17:43,519
Listen, do you remember
before the captain came here
364
00:17:43,543 --> 00:17:45,872
how the officers were always
snooping around the still,
365
00:17:45,896 --> 00:17:48,674
and counting blankets
and horses and supplies?
366
00:17:48,698 --> 00:17:50,943
Well, we can't afford to lose
the best C.O. we ever had.
367
00:17:50,967 --> 00:17:53,468
Let's face it. You Hekawis
have never had it so good.
368
00:17:54,487 --> 00:17:56,866
Hekawi have ancient saying:
369
00:17:56,890 --> 00:17:58,133
"Beaver cannot fly
370
00:17:58,157 --> 00:18:01,776
when horn of young
buffalo point at full of moon."
371
00:18:02,395 --> 00:18:03,406
Yeah?
372
00:18:03,430 --> 00:18:04,740
Yeah, well, I got a better one:
373
00:18:04,764 --> 00:18:06,975
"When great white
pigeon fall from sky,
374
00:18:06,999 --> 00:18:09,183
no more wampum grow on tree."
375
00:18:10,686 --> 00:18:11,964
You right.
376
00:18:11,988 --> 00:18:12,982
Who you want we grab?
377
00:18:13,006 --> 00:18:14,416
Yeah, now you're talking.
378
00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:16,818
Agarn is over at the saloon,
keeping an eye on this Sam Urp.
379
00:18:16,842 --> 00:18:19,488
Now, you send two of your best
braves over there, and get him.
380
00:18:19,512 --> 00:18:21,256
What if he put up fight?
381
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:22,713
Overpower him.
382
00:18:23,649 --> 00:18:26,209
Better send four braves.
383
00:18:27,220 --> 00:18:29,053
Yeah, four.
384
00:18:32,392 --> 00:18:34,436
What happened to
them braves, anyway?
385
00:18:34,460 --> 00:18:36,271
Uh... It's 3:30.
386
00:18:36,295 --> 00:18:37,815
It is? Yeah.
387
00:18:43,036 --> 00:18:44,902
Sundial always slow.
388
00:18:47,123 --> 00:18:48,834
Yeah, well, it's about time.
389
00:18:48,858 --> 00:18:51,470
He put up terrible
fight, but we get him.
390
00:18:51,494 --> 00:18:54,028
All right. Take him off.
Tie him to the stake.
391
00:19:00,536 --> 00:19:02,481
There we go. Now, get
that sack off of his head.
392
00:19:02,505 --> 00:19:04,783
We'll give him one last
chance to skedaddle out of here.
393
00:19:07,910 --> 00:19:09,109
Agarn!
394
00:19:11,130 --> 00:19:12,341
All right.
395
00:19:12,365 --> 00:19:14,709
Light the fire and
pass the marshmallows.
396
00:19:14,733 --> 00:19:15,878
What did you bring him for?
397
00:19:15,902 --> 00:19:19,147
You said, Agarn guard
Urp, bring him here.
398
00:19:19,171 --> 00:19:20,204
We bring.
399
00:19:21,574 --> 00:19:23,352
He meant bring Urp.
400
00:19:23,376 --> 00:19:24,486
Oh.
401
00:19:24,510 --> 00:19:25,720
Good thing we not try.
402
00:19:25,744 --> 00:19:28,557
Have tough enough
time bring in Agarn.
403
00:19:28,581 --> 00:19:31,226
Sarge, either untie me, or
put an apple in my mouth!
404
00:19:31,250 --> 00:19:33,062
Untie the man. H...
405
00:19:33,086 --> 00:19:35,664
Hoppin' horned toads,
Urp's loose in town,
406
00:19:35,688 --> 00:19:37,821
and it's time for the
captain to start his patrol.
407
00:20:10,990 --> 00:20:13,636
Get... Get, now, boys. I
told you to stop that, now.
408
00:20:13,660 --> 00:20:15,793
Now... Now, run
along. Run along.
409
00:20:58,588 --> 00:21:01,100
Well, Mr. Urp. Glad to
see you've sobered up.
410
00:21:01,124 --> 00:21:02,568
Where are you goin'?
411
00:21:02,592 --> 00:21:03,802
I'm on patrol.
412
00:21:03,826 --> 00:21:05,855
You... What's the
matter with your arms?
413
00:21:05,879 --> 00:21:07,823
A touch of rheumatism?
414
00:21:07,847 --> 00:21:10,259
Don't try that
trick stuff on me.
415
00:21:10,283 --> 00:21:11,861
What kind of a shootout is this?
416
00:21:11,885 --> 00:21:12,862
Shootout?
417
00:21:12,886 --> 00:21:13,929
Who's having a shootout?
418
00:21:13,953 --> 00:21:15,331
We are!
419
00:21:15,355 --> 00:21:16,832
We're gonna settle
once and for all
420
00:21:16,856 --> 00:21:18,200
who's the Scourge of the West.
421
00:21:18,224 --> 00:21:20,335
Oh, well, I coulda
told you that. I am.
422
00:21:20,359 --> 00:21:21,704
Ask any Indian.
423
00:21:21,728 --> 00:21:24,840
I don't have to ask anybody.
My guns do my talking for me.
424
00:21:24,864 --> 00:21:26,509
Now, are ya gonna
fight, or ain't ya?
425
00:21:26,533 --> 00:21:28,176
Oh, no... No, I
couldn't do that.
426
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:30,479
You see, I... I have a rule
about fighting in the street.
427
00:21:30,503 --> 00:21:33,148
Didn't you hear me
tell those two little boys?
428
00:21:33,172 --> 00:21:36,351
Soldier, either you fight, or
you'll be known as a coward
429
00:21:36,375 --> 00:21:37,920
from one end of the
West to the other.
430
00:21:37,944 --> 00:21:40,177
A lily-livered,
chicken-hearted coward.
431
00:21:41,247 --> 00:21:44,314
I will? And a disgrace
to your uniform.
432
00:21:45,919 --> 00:21:47,796
Well, then, I guess
I'll just have to fight.
433
00:21:47,820 --> 00:21:51,099
Now, uh, you go down
to the blacksmith shop,
434
00:21:51,123 --> 00:21:52,403
and we'll start all over.
435
00:22:03,969 --> 00:22:05,647
Wilton, don't do it.
436
00:22:05,671 --> 00:22:06,948
Please don't fight him.
437
00:22:06,972 --> 00:22:08,016
I've got to, Janey.
438
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:09,551
It's for the honor
of the cavalry.
439
00:22:09,575 --> 00:22:11,286
I have to do my duty
as a good captain.
440
00:22:11,310 --> 00:22:13,756
But don't you even want
to live to be a good major?
441
00:22:13,780 --> 00:22:16,620
Come on, Parmenter.
Let's get her over with.
442
00:22:18,268 --> 00:22:19,879
Excuse me, Janey.
443
00:22:19,903 --> 00:22:22,414
A man must do what he must do.
444
00:22:22,438 --> 00:22:24,316
Oh, Wilton, he's
a dead shot, and...
445
00:22:24,340 --> 00:22:26,485
And this morning you
didn't even hit a thing.
446
00:22:26,509 --> 00:22:27,953
Well, now,
that's... That's true,
447
00:22:27,977 --> 00:22:29,621
but he's a lot
bigger than a bottle.
448
00:22:29,645 --> 00:22:30,885
Oh, Wilton!
449
00:22:33,183 --> 00:22:34,183
I'm...
450
00:22:35,084 --> 00:22:36,462
All right, Parmenter.
451
00:22:36,486 --> 00:22:38,047
Reach for your gun.
452
00:22:38,071 --> 00:22:39,448
Oh, do I go first?
453
00:22:39,472 --> 00:22:41,172
Oh, thank you.
454
00:22:59,725 --> 00:23:01,336
All right, drop the gun, Urp.
455
00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:03,772
Agarn, did you ever see
shooting like that in your life?
456
00:23:03,796 --> 00:23:05,840
You ought to be
glad you're still alive.
457
00:23:05,864 --> 00:23:08,243
Yeah, he coulda cut you to
ribbons anytime he wanted to.
458
00:23:08,267 --> 00:23:11,902
Look at him. The
one and only Scourge.
459
00:23:15,108 --> 00:23:16,218
Look, sarge.
460
00:23:16,242 --> 00:23:17,619
He's figurin' out the next shot.
461
00:23:17,643 --> 00:23:19,121
Yeah. Come on, Agarn.
462
00:23:19,145 --> 00:23:20,822
Listen, if you know
what's good for you,
463
00:23:20,846 --> 00:23:22,324
you're gonna stay
out of this town.
464
00:23:22,348 --> 00:23:24,025
All right, give us a
hand, here, fellas.
465
00:23:24,049 --> 00:23:27,796
Hey, you... You ain't
heard the last of me.
466
00:23:27,820 --> 00:23:30,332
All right, drop that
thing off and run.
467
00:23:30,356 --> 00:23:32,506
Hey, hey! Hey, let me out! Hey!
468
00:23:36,746 --> 00:23:37,789
Hey, let's hear it, now.
469
00:23:37,813 --> 00:23:39,090
All right, captain!
470
00:23:39,114 --> 00:23:40,191
Did you see that? Did you?
471
00:23:40,215 --> 00:23:41,192
Ha, ha, ha... Ow!
472
00:23:41,216 --> 00:23:42,193
The winner!
473
00:23:42,217 --> 00:23:44,518
Uh, th... Thank you, thank you.
474
00:23:48,307 --> 00:23:50,686
Hey, things are sure quiet
around town since Mr. Urp left.
475
00:23:50,710 --> 00:23:53,254
Yeah, he suddenly remembered
he had a big deal in Tombstone.
476
00:23:53,278 --> 00:23:54,590
Or a tombstone in Big Deal.
477
00:23:55,681 --> 00:23:57,125
That's very humorous, corporal.
478
00:23:57,149 --> 00:23:58,193
Hey! Now, look at that.
479
00:23:58,217 --> 00:23:59,416
They're at it again.
480
00:24:00,820 --> 00:24:03,431
Here now, what are you two
boys fighting about this time?
481
00:24:03,455 --> 00:24:05,667
I say the captain's the
best shot in the West,
482
00:24:05,691 --> 00:24:07,335
and he says he ain't.
483
00:24:07,359 --> 00:24:09,437
Show him, captain.
484
00:24:09,461 --> 00:24:12,496
Well, if it'll keep you
two boys from fighting.
485
00:24:13,499 --> 00:24:15,459
Now, you see that
bottle over there?
486
00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:18,419
Watch this.
487
00:24:27,830 --> 00:24:29,141
See? I told you.
488
00:24:29,165 --> 00:24:30,642
Here, now, captain,
489
00:24:30,666 --> 00:24:33,045
don't you think we ought to
get on over to the Tinkerbell?
490
00:24:33,069 --> 00:24:36,081
Right, sergeant. And this
time, the sarsaparilla's on me.
491
00:24:36,105 --> 00:24:37,315
Sarsaparilla.
35321
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