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and The Oh Scares Awards.

This man can do this
for 500 straight minutes.

It's the equivalent of
eight hours and 30 minutes.

And this man is his
double to finish the task.

"Hula Hoop Diaries,"

streaming anytime only
at triplexvideos.com.

Hello, everyone, I'm Alan
McBean, coming to you live

from a exciting triple X movie set

called "The Hula Hoop Diaries."

Now, you might think
you are seeing double,

but don't take your pills
yet because maybe you are.

To my right is the lead
actor of "Hula Hoop Diaries,"

Rick Smiley Dolphin, and next
to him is Rick's sex double,

Cliff Power Boost.

Gentlemen, thank you so much
for taking the time out today

for this interview.

It's our pleasure, Alan.

Can you explain to our audience,

what exactly does a sex double do?

Well, triple X actors do
a lot of dangerous stuff.

You say, I ride a little too hard,

ride a little too aggressively
and I fall off the bed.

Yes, I can, and yes, I have.

Well, if I fall really hard,

I might twist my middle leg and
production will be shut down

for a week or maybe even longer.

So Cliff here is to finish what I started.

Cliff, would you describe
your work in that way?

That I finish what he starts?

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Join me next week on the
set of Dick's Adventures,

where I'll be talking
about various sex toys used

on triple X movies.

Until then, I'm Alan McBean
signing off from Hollyweird.

Which camera?

What were you doing?

Oh, it's nothing.

I just had to pee like
crazy, it was like one

of those old lawn sprinklers.

What?

Yeah, nevermind.

Anyway, get you something.

Oh.

Oh, is this that shirt from
the Bad Will thrift shop?

Nope.

The 94 Cents Only store?

Uh-uh.

Ah, Dollar Bush.

No, it's from an
actual department store.

Really?

Wally Mart.

Huh.

Huh.

What?

It's just, I prefer blue clothes.

No, your color is yellow.

You know what?

Wear it or return it, I don't care.

Let's just, let's just go.

I like it.

You know what, I love it.

I love it, man.

This is for Voteck.

This is for his girlfriend.

And this is for me.

Hey, what are we doing here?

We're meeting the producer.

Oh, I thought we were meeting him

at the I Hope restaurant.

No, no, we're meeting him at his house.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Hmm, so this is the house.

Yep, this is where
I shot my first porno.

Yeah, she was up against
a wall over there.

I was behind her.

Good times.

I've never seen so many
pillows in my goddamn life.

Where do you think he got 'em all?

I wouldn't know.

Rick Smiley fucking Dolphin.

I am a fan, I must say.

Great to finally meet you, how are you?

I'm fine, how are you?

Good, good, oh, my
father, he couldn't make it.

He's really busy filming
abroad, so he sent me.

I'm his son, John.

Oh, it's a pleasure meeting the son

of the greatest triple X
movie producer of all time.

Well, thank you.

Wish I could say the same
about your acting, but, uh,

nah, I'm just fucking with you.

Who is this, your boyfriend?

No, this is my sex double, Cliff.

Cliff, good to meet you.

Same here, I'm gonna wait outside.

Yeah.

So what kind of
sleazy dirt bag films are

you working on now?

You know, I started this new
thing called "The Stranger."

"The Stranger," okay.

Hold on, wait right here.

I want to make sure

that my guest is as
comfortable as possible.

Please, take a seat.

Come on, go ahead, take a seat.

Good, how is that, is it?

Yeah.

Scoot it in a little bit.

A little forward, yeah.

Like that?

Should I do it like this?

That's too much back.

How are we doing, is that good?

No, it's-

- Is that good, do you want-
- No, I want it

- to be at an angle.
- In a little bit more?

No, like that, yeah, too much?

A little bit.

- From the back, like that?
- No, a little-

Ow.

- More, more.
- No, it-

- A little further?
- It's fine.

Further, oh, is that too much?

I don't want, no.

- No, that's too close.
- I don't want to hurt you.

- Too close to the table.
- I don't want to hurt you.

- Want it a little bit back?
- No, it's-

A little bit back?

It's fine.

Too much, too much, is
that okay, how about that?

- It's fine.
- That okay?

Well, if you can handle it.

It's, it's-

You can handle that, like that?

It's fine.

Okay, so.

I was watching some of
your films the other day,

it was a couple of shorts
and a double feature.

And, well, I was sitting
in the living room.

I was licking my favorite lollipop

and I was drinking my
favorite glass of vodka.

Hopefully you could get through
the double feature easily.

Well, not without two glasses of vodka

and three lollipops, I couldn't.

It was that bad.

Yeah, I'm just messing with you.

No, it was great, I loved it, you know?

Lots of fucking, yeah, I love that shit.

Yeah, lots of fucking.

But I did notice one scene kind

of caught my eye in particular.

You were doing nothing in the scene.

You were just sitting beside and watching.

♪ Smell of yours drives me crazy ♪

♪ I want to taste it, come closer, baby ♪

♪ There is something,
oh, something about you ♪

Yeah, it's not new.

It was titled "I Do It For
You And You Just Watch."

It's about a couple who invites a stranger

and he has some fun with the woman

and you just sit next to
them and simply watch.

So you just sit there and you watch.

Yeah, I mean, you hold
her hand and smile at her.

It's still pretty good money.

Huh, well, everybody's gotta
have something, you know?

Yeah, I get it.

People, they need something
new, you know, something exotic.

You can't just have the
same fucking all the time.

You gotta kinda switch it up a little bit.

But watching, sure, okay.

You know, what I want
to do is I want to get

you back up to the top of the mountain,

and I believe that I can do that

with this new production company,

Shoes Makers Entertainment.

We're gonna have you acting
in gay movies.

Gay movies?

Yeah.

You produce gay movies?

Gay, lesbian, bi, trans, you know,

the whole alphabet, you name it.

You see, my father, he does
more of the man woman stuff.

We want to concentrate
more on the man, man,

woman, woman stuff, you
know what I'm saying?

Our production company,
Shoes Makers Entertainment,

we specialize in this.

You mean Shoemaker?

No, I changed the name.

You see, my father,

when he created his triple
X empire, was Shoemaker.

I felt like I needed to get
away from that a little bit.

I'm not going to be living
in his shadow all the time,

you know, I needed something fresh,

you know, something new, all right?

So we made Shoes Makers
Entertainment, you know,

we have a new product, you
know, new logo, new name,

new brand, new toys,
new content, you know,

you know what I'm saying?

But your father's company
is Shoemaker Enterprise

and yours is Shoes Makers Enterprise.

You just added a letter S.

That's right, you know,

lots of children of well known people,

they change their name all the time.

You know, you got John
Voice and Angelina Julietta,

you got, you know, Martin
Sheer and Emilio Estevantez,

you know, it happens all the time.

Yeah, but again, you only
added a letter S, it, so.

Listen, I gotta run, okay?

I want you to think about this.

I want you to become our next big star

and we're gonna make that
star shine bright, okay?

Think about it, don't worry.

I'm gonna take care of everything, okay?

Good, good.

It's official.

So what happened?

Hey, hey, hey.

Look, don't cry in front of all
these homeless people, okay?

These aren't men's sunglasses.

They're unisex, so what did he tell you?

Told me the goddamn
truth is what he did.

My career is over.

Did he offer you a job?

I can play in his movies,

gay triple X films.

So?

I'm not gonna do that.

Just, just take me home.

Hey, I have a question.

What?

What was with all those
toys in the backyard?

Well, they used the house to
shoot porn over the weekends,

and during the week it's a preschool.

Okay.

Fuck.

"What do we want?

We don't know.

When do we want it?

Now," hippies.

Are you okay?

Yes, oh, I think I
just twisted my ankle.

Here, let me help, okay.

Put your hand on my shoulder.

What's going on over there?

Two, three.

Oh.

Feeling better?

Actually, yes, thank you.

Wow, you must really
like cucumber, like a lot.

Nah, my boyfriend just left me

and a girl's gotta take care of herself,

if you know what I mean.

Yeah.

I'm kidding, I don't
actually have a boyfriend.

These are just good for hydration.

Okay, yeah, I got it.

Thanks for helping me.

Take care, handsome.

I shouldn't take this part.

There's plenty of gay actors out there.

They should be playing gay parts.

Listen, Sean Paint played
a gay man in "Milky Way,"

and he's straight.

Great movie, by the way.

Yeah, I have mixed feelings about it.

So stay in Hollyweird
to wait for better offers.

Yeah, I don't have a problem
just resting a bit on set,

you know, just watch while
other guys do my job for me.

I make almost the same money.

Hey, man, if you're happy, I'm happy.

It's Roman Polanowski's son.

It's him, right?

I don't know, I didn't know
Roman Polanowski had a son.

Yeah, yeah, he's a
world famous porn star.

That guy has been in almost 500 movies.

Yeah, I saw a documentary about it.

That's like five times
as many as you have.

Yeah, I know.

Thanks a lot.

Oh, I'm sorry, man.

What do I always say?

I don't remember.

Shit, me neither.

Huh.

Anyway, wow.

What if I could be in a movie
with Roman Polanowski's son?

Like, I can watch him
plow my girl.

Are you feeling better now?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Good, can I have my glasses back?

Come and get 'em, you piece
of shit motherfucker asshole.

Get the fuck off my property,
you motherfucking fuck.

What the fuck, dude?

Look, sorry, I was practicing
my line for tomorrow.

Oh.

What time does the bus leave?

I got 15, 20 minutes.

See you in the morning?

Yep, 11:30 am.

11:30 am.

Outside the house by the car.

- By the car, yes.
- Yep, yep.

See you then.

Hi, beautiful.

This is only temporary.

I promise.

You were bad, bad today.

I need to spank you, Casey.

Oh, I was bad, indeed.

Please spank me, spank me hard.

I need to feel your manpower, do it.

Do it now.

Oh, that's very original.

Now get on your knees
and suck that lollipop.

Nice.

Finally, I don't have to
sit and watch, action time.

Nice.

Oh, Casey.

And you were so, so bad.

What is going on?

It's 1:30 in the morning.

Party at our neighbor's house.

More and more people are coming in.

Should we call the cops?

Nah, I don't want to
create any conflict.

Anyway, you see that woman there?

That one?

No, blonde.

Well, I don't see any blonde.

The one with the whip.

That's a man.

No, the other one.

Oh, okay, blonde.

But it's not a whip, it's a snake.

Yes, that one, so she
was engaged to that guy.

The one with the hat?

No, the naked one with the sombrero.

Oh, okay, I see him.

So she broke up with him
and got married to that one.

The one with the big fur.

No, the one next to him, the shaved one.

He's the son of director of
"Rosemary's Granddaughter."

Oh, okay, I got it.

Pretty good movie, though.

Now, the guy with the sombrero is still

in love with the girl with the snake,

and he just waits for the son

of the director of "Rosemary's
Granddaughter" to fuck up

so he could again be with
the girl with the snake.

Hmm, interesting.

Seems like you know them
pretty well, don't you?

I've been here since the party started.

That's producer Mary Patricia
Robert Ryan Pleze with a Z.

She emphasize this a few
times in conversation

with Jay by the pool.

George, Susie,

and

Bob and Olivia.

Huh, they're gone for 40 minutes now.

I'm not sure if they'll return.

Okay, mister, if they
don't wrap up within an hour,

I'm going to call the cops myself.

Yeah.

This party's not gonna end quick.

Huh, the guy with the crocodile
is pissing in the pool.

Oh, Olivia left her bag by the salad bar.

She'll be back, she will.

I wish to be invited to
a party like that, hmm.

So I think the wind
broke my fence last night

and some rabbits came in and ate my grass.

I'm gonna be here 'til about five.

Can you go back there and
see if you can fix it for me?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, and hey, could you
talk to the producer

of "Deep Throat Part Seven,"
see if they need me this week?

It's the same producer

who produced "Deep Throat Part Six."

So it's not gonna be easy to
convince her to hire you again.

Shit.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna be here 'til five

and I won't need you today,
so once you fix the fence,

you can take the rest of the day off.

Hey, hey, look at me.

Remember, you are Rick fucking piece

of shit crazy-ass
motherfucking Smiley Dolphin.

Don't you forget it.

Thanks, man.

Oh, excuse me, do you know

where they shoot "Pussy
Fire Untold Story"?

Huh, well, let me see.

Well, in that house over there,

it's "Come to Tech Part Four,"

but if you haven't seen
one, two, and three,

I mean it's like why bother, right?

Right.

Right, that one's a new alt genre

where they're doing some kind
of bondage with live snakes.

I don't, I would stay away from that one.

Well, that one over there

with the teddy bears smoking there,

it's some of the furry porn.

Oh, this one, it's a student film.

You're not gonna see any tits
or ass, just some kissing.

Wait, what was the title again?

"Pussy Fire Untold Story."

No, that was the production
title, it's "Pussy Alley."

Oh, directed by Sylvester Still On?

Yeah.

Yeah, I clean for them, I do makeup.

I do everything for them, here, follow me.

Great.

Here, great.

Thank you.

Rick, my man, how are you?

Hello, Mr. Still On.

Oh, I'm the one that put you
in this flick, remember that.

I know, I mean, "Pussy
Alley" is an amazingly original

and touching story.

Yeah, do you know Robert Drawing Jr.?

Of course.

He's here, you'll
love working with him, hmm?

Nice.

So for this, I want something different.

I'd love to have your
hair slicked over, mm-hmm,

and a little mustache just there.

Oh, like a Choplin mustache?

Oh, more like Hidler.

Right, they're kind of
the same thing, right?

Well, well, yes, but your
character is more aggressive,

brutal, he's not a comic character, no.

And I'd like to see you in a jacket.

But I always perform naked.

How will people recognize me

if they don't see my bare chest?

I hope they will not.

I'd like to have less of the tough guy,

the macho guy, more acting, hmm, yes?

Less naked bodies, more acting.

You'll be fine,.

More acting?

Huh, good.

Okay, when I put this mustache on you,

no licking lollipops for at least an hour.

The mustache will catch
some sugar and shine

and we don't need that on camera, okay?

Okay, I won't lick anything.

Oh, shit, I should have asked
him that when he was here.

Do you know where location is?

Like, where am I going after this?

Sure, just go out to the
left and it's up on the corner.

Okay, cool, thanks.

Sure, no problem.

Robert Drawing Jr.?

No.

But it does say so on your shirt there.

Yeah, that's me.

Wait, you did that interview
with us the other day.

Yeah, I quit the
franchise of "Man of Iron."

I do random gigs here and there.

Money is scarce these days, and yes,

I am the narrator of this film.

Oh, this film?

Yep.

Huh.

Well, I guess you do
what you gotta do, right?

So it looks like we're gonna be playing

in a porno together today.

Yeah, it looks like it.

That's awesome.

Did you meet Casey yet?

Is she, uh, is she hot?

Young, old, blonde, brunette?

No one's saying anything, so.

Is she ugly, or what?

What did you read the synopsis?

Oh, they didn't send me one.

I read the script, though.

Hmm, Casey's a guy.

A guy?

I've never had sex with a guy before.

Well, there's a first for everything.

I'm not ready for that.

I gotta call my agent, I
gotta call my therapist, nope-

Rick, calm down, sit down.

It's just a movie, man, it's acting.

Think about it as getting a
colonoscopy without anesthesia.

Have you ever received a colonoscopy?

No.

Okay, so think about it as practice,

so the day that you do get a colonoscopy,

you won't feel a thing.

I mean, take your painkillers,

maybe a double dose, you
know, lick another lollipop

if that makes you feel comfortable.

Don't worry, I've been
in the same predicament.

How, um, how was your first time?

I was super drunk, I
don't remember a thing.

Look, everything's gonna be okay.

We all do this for money, it's just a job.

So, so who plays Casey?

Cool actor, middle aged, handsome.

Nice, great personality, sweet smile.

Do, do I know him?

No.

Yes.

Ryan Rain Oats?

What a cast.

♪ Justin Bee Bear, oh
my God, I have a fever ♪

♪ Your music is bad ♪

♪ I have a pain in my head ♪

♪ Justin Bee Bear, I can hear it clearer ♪

♪ Your music is good ♪

♪ I'm in a good mood ♪

♪ Justin, Justin, Justin ♪

♪ What are you doing to my brain ♪

♪ You have a few pretty good songs ♪

♪ And those I can't stand ♪

♪ Justin, Justin, Justin ♪

♪ I think your lyrics damaged my ear ♪

♪ You should hire me as your writer ♪

♪ That's it, that's all you need ♪

♪ Oh, oh, Justin, Justin ♪

♪ Justin ♪

♪ Justin, Justin, Justin, Justin ♪

♪ Houston, Houston ♪

♪ Oh, yes ♪

♪ Justino, Justino ♪

♪ Justin, Justin, Yastin,
Yastin, Justinia, Justinia ♪

♪ Justin Bee Bear, oh
my God, I have a fever ♪

♪ Your music is bad ♪

♪ I have a pain in my head ♪

♪ Justin Bee Bear, I can hear it clearer ♪

♪ Your music is good ♪

♪ I'm in a good mood ♪

♪ Justin, Justin, Justin ♪

♪ Your music videos could be better, too ♪

♪ Now I need to see an eye doctor ♪

♪ Then I can shoot
something nice for you ♪

♪ Justin, Justin, Justin ♪

♪ I'm done, all I said is true ♪

♪ I hope you get to read this letter ♪

♪ Kisses, I still love you ♪

It's the same producer

who produced "Deep Throat Part Six,"

so it's not gonna easy to convince her

to hire you again.

Are you still here?

It's taking longer than I thought, okay?

We have only one working toilet on set

and you've been blocking
it for 20 minutes.

Okay, sorry, I'll finish up quick.

Did Rick come with you?

No, he's behind you.

Sorry, you scared me.

Can we talk for a moment?

Sure.

Excuse me.

Oh.

Yeah.

Door?

God, people, man.

20 minutes, huh?

Yes, and he was reading,
you know, without reading,

you do your thing within
two, three minutes,

but you take a newspaper
or cellphone with you,

you lost track of time in there.

I'm sure it wasn't a
newspaper or a cell phone.

He's got a pretty tough life.

He reads a lot of coupon
magazines to look for good deals,

you know, of where to get me
coffee, lollipop discounts,

'cause anything he saves, I let him keep.

Yeah, he fucked my wife.

I'm sure that was an accident.

Yeah, hmm.

Sure, I could, I could show
you a clip of her being horny,

threatening him with a harpoon

and forcing him to have sex with her.

But, you know-

But this is an Toronto budget film

and the directors don't
have money to rent a boat

or a diving suit or a harpoon, right?

Yeah, exactly.

You get it, we good?

All right.

Woo, let's do this.

Okay, cocksucker, now
you go and change yourself.

But if you don't finish
with a great splash,

I'm not gonna pay you a dime.

I'm not gonna disappoint you.

You know my wife's gonna be there.

Yep.

So you don't even dare to try anything

'cause we just made up.

Gotcha.

Everything is in your mind.

You don't have to take
any enlargement pills.

If you want to stay longer in action,

think of something else.

Don't pleasure yourself too much.

Think you are somewhere else,

or that you are not
with an attractive lady.

Then, then you will not finish quick.

Hey, you.

What's so funny?

No, it's nothing.

No, no, go ahead.

I want to laugh too with my friends here.

Not with these friends, those friends.

Look, I have to plow
a lot of ladies today.

I don't have time for this.

I am deadly serious and
you are having a great time.

Tell me, what is it?

It's everything you said.

And, to put it nicely,
I don't agree with it.

Nicely said indeed.

You are a gentleman.

Yeah, that's what they say.

So my approach to the
subject doesn't suit you?

Yeah, you don't have to
think about something else

to keep a great erection, or
think of an unattractive lady.

All you have to do is
look down at your dick

and say, "Up, motherfucker,
and do your job," simple.

How about we have a contest

to see who will not finish first, hmm?

Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.

Are you sure you wanna compete with him?

He plowed over 500 ladies last week alone.

Him?

Okay, are you ready?

I was born ready.

I can't with all your noises,
man, I just can't focus.

I like you.

I will give you one more chance.

Are you okay?

That was awful.

Oh, God.

What is going on out here?

Hi, Susan.

Don't Susan me here.

Look, we just have a little problem,

but we're taking care of
it, okay?

Hi, sweetie, what's going on here?

Your little friend is plowing

our girls without permission.

No, he is not.

Oh, yes, indeed.

They're not girls,
they're lovely ladies.

Very clean, nice ladies.

That's the first time I agree with you.

And Bruce here is scheduled
to push 30 girls today,

but it looks like he's done for the week.

Is that blood on the floor?

Yes, one of the girls hit the wall

and broke that comic
illustration over there.

Comic illustration?

This is a Ron Jeremiah erection poster.

Cliff,

I want you to leave the set right now.

I got this.

I'm not mad, I took
my meds this morning.

But sure, go ahead.

Cliff, take off your costume and go.

Yeah, that's fair.

What the fuck?

May I fucking help you?

Oh, yes, my name is
Charlie Don't Even Mention.

I'm here to see Mr. Bob Block.

Okay, I don't know who that is.

This is private property.

There's a sign out front
that says keep out.

I don't know who Bob Block is.

Oh, Mr. Bob Block, the famous
Christian music producer.

He's gonna be making my album.

That's fantastic, I
don't know who he is.

Bob Block doesn't live here.

He doesn't live on this block.

You don't know who Mr. Bob Block is?

He's done all the
biggest Christian albums.

He did Motley Christ, he did Judas Pope.

He did the Elvis Priest.

Oh he did the biggest
album by Metal Clergia,

the Rolling Saints.

I don't know any of
these bands or albums.

I don't know Metal Clergia,

who that is, what that is, sorry, no.

Okay, well, what about this?

Dawid Podswiateo, no,
I don't know who that is.

Never heard of him.

Okay, that's bigger in Europe.

All right, this is more
your speed, I'm sure.

Okay.

Mr. Bob Block produced this.

Taylor Switf, that sounds familiar.

Oh, "F'lore," okay, yeah.

That, yeah, that sounds familiar.

Okay, let me show you something.

These are some drafts I put
together on my computer.

These are drafts for my album cover,

which will be produced by
none other than Mr. Block.

Okay, so, yeah, the swastika.

Not sure what's going
on with the wig there.

Oh, no, the wigs all the rage

with all the bands these days.

Okay.

I'm gonna look super dope in it.

Is this all the same
photo printed seven times?

There's subtle differences.

It's all about an emotional vibrancy.

Okay, I don't, I don't
have time for this.

I don't have time for this nonsense.

- So I think you need to leave.
- Okay.

Okay, well, since I'm
here, can I interest you

in a two in one super-matic
surface, two in one-

No, no, I don't need a vacuum.

No, I need you to leave
before I call the authorities.

You have three seconds to vacate, one-

- Well, it is made in Germany-
- Two-

And it comes with a-

Two and a half, sir, please.

Jesus Christ.

Hi.

Hi.

Are you talking to me?

Yes.

Hi.

Hi.

Will I bother you if I sit next to you?

I don't know.

Do you fart?

Nope.

Do you burp?

No.

Do you stare at ladies'
tits like a pervert?

Sometimes.

Sit.

Did you know a flea can
jump 131 times their height?

In human terms,

that's a six foot person
jumping 785 feet into the air.

Hmm, I didn't know that.

Mm-hmm, also an adult
human body has 206 bones,

but a child's developing
body has 300, crazy.

Who are you?

Oh, Jennifer Ain't Stoned.

Oh, yeah, right.

I mean, what's your real name?

Hmm, I only use my stage name.

I don't want anybody to know my real name.

I mean, same with you, Mr.
Smiley Dolphin, am I right?

Yep, don't we all use fake names.

Yeah.

Don't we all?

What are you reading there?

Wall display manual.

Wall display manual?

My genius boyfriend left me.

So now I have to do everything myself.

Why don't just hire a guy?

Oh, too expensive, and
I'm trying to save money.

Besides, if I'm on lunch break,

I have nothing better to do.

I might as well read
something interesting,

and it's better than being on my phone,

looking at memes and stupid videos.

So where did you get
your wall display from?

Wally Mart, I got a good deal, too.

Yeah, Wally Mart and Source
have really good prices.

Mm-hmm.

And what are you reading?

It's about a man who
fell in love with a woman.

Interesting, tell me more.

Well, they were dating.

One day, she smiled at
him for the first time.

He noticed that she had really bad teeth.

He didn't like that.

So he tries to avoid her,

but he really felt
something for her, you know?

He felt like they belonged together.

One day, he finds this
coupon for veneers, 20% off.

He's really happy about it.

So he meets up with her
and gives her the coupon

and she's ecstatic, you know,

she starts kissing him like crazy.

Then he realized it was just a dream.

When her gave her the coupon for real,

she wasn't happy at all.

She got really mad and left him.

So now he's alone.

He keeps thinking about
what would've happened

if she had accepted that coupon.

You know, in his mind,

they might have lived happily ever after.

That's beautiful.

True love, very beautiful.

Oh.

So where are you at with it?

Oh, I've finished it,
I'm reading it again.

Hey.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Hey, crying is a normal human response

to a wide range of emotions

and has health and social benefits,

including pain relief and
self soothing effects.

But if crying happens frequently
for no apparent reason,

or you can't stop it, it
could be sign of depression.

You know, it's just so hard

to find pure love in this business.

Women don't understand that
you fuck other women for money.

It's not fair.

I understand, Rick.

My boyfriend left me because I
came home one day and I said,

I said out loud, I said,
"Honey, we beat a record today.

I had 300 guys in me."

I thought he would share in my enthusiasm.

He didn't, he knew what I was doing.

He couldn't take it,
he couldn't handle it.

Can I come to your house

and put that goddamn wall
display on your wall?

No.

No, I'm sick of this shit.

But when you wanna feel important,
to feel like a man again

and not be seen for what's in your pants.

If I let you come over and
put that wall display up,

I'd stare at your sexiness,

and I'll accidentally
fall in love with you.

I know what you do.

Not in this life, now, not in this life.

"I'm building a space rocket

to get the fuck out of here, God bless."

Why are you all the way back here?

You should be out there
where all the people are.

You'll make more money.

Are you just going to ignore me?

Fine, you're not going
anywhere, you little quitter.

Don't bother with the postcard.

Yes.

Yellow, welcome to Three
Back Hot Film Festival.

Oh, thank you.

That's a really interesting
name for a film festival.

Yeah, it's five buck
tickets, you get three back.

Three back, huh?

I see what you did there,
that's cute.

You look so familiar.

I think I know you from somewhere, right?

No, I don't think so.

Okay.

Hey, you're reading "His Kampf"?

Yes, "His Kampf."

Great book.

Fantastic, you know,

I read it when I was a little girl

and I just picked it up for
my husband from the library.

Yeah, I love German authors.

Aren't they wonderful,
I mean, just the best.

Amazing.

So next week my husband
and I are going to Argentina

and maybe, just maybe I'm gonna
get an autograph.

Isn't he dead?

Oh, no, no, he's
living in South America.

He's very healthy and
quite good looking just,

you know, without that old.

Pimple?

No.

Mole?

Huh?

Green liquid mucus?

Hey, come on, no, no.

I don't know, beard?

Under his nose.

Hair.

Hair, yeah, mustache.

Mustache, yes, but we're
talking about Mark Twins, right?

Mark Twins is an American writer.

Mm-hmm.

Can I just have my ticket?

I think that would be great.

Wait, how come you're
gonna get an autograph

on a book you gotta return to a library?

I don't have to return anything.

Yeah, over there.

♪ I don't know why you left ♪

♪ Now I feel emptiness ♪

♪ Should I go look for you ♪

♪ Don't know where ♪

♪ That's the truth ♪

♪ I don't know why you left ♪

♪ I feel pain in my chest ♪

♪ Please come back ♪

♪ I think you should ♪

♪ My English is bad but my heart is good ♪

♪ I'm losing my mind,
this madness is real ♪

♪ I feel helpless now,
yeah, that's how I feel ♪

♪ Please, give me a sign ♪

♪ Please come back to me ♪

♪ Don't hide anymore, at
least return hotel key ♪

♪ I think I know what is going on ♪

♪ I misunderstood you,
that's why you are gone ♪

♪ You wanted us spend
more time in this resort ♪

♪ But I heard you say
our sex was too short ♪

♪ Now I think about it and
there is no sense at all ♪

♪ All because I left
my dictionary at home ♪

♪ I should have learned some English ♪

♪ Before I took you here ♪

♪ I feel so stupid,
yeah, that's how I feel ♪

No.

Mean.

Now?

Uh, no.

Uh, no?

Uh, no.

No.

I, no.

Mm, no.

Uh, I don't think so.

No.

Really, they look good.

They look-

Expensive?

Cheap, they look like you got them

from the 87 Cent Store, or cut them

from the carpet or
something, anything else?

No, I got nothing else.

I want Hidler mustache, just
like it says in the script.

I don't have another Hidler mustache.

I can order one, but it'll
take two or three days.

We found it.

Great, see?

Huh, hey.

Well, I see you' playing
some older films here.

Yeah, older films, we're
screening brand new productions,

and some of the classics.

Awesome, yeah, so could I get in

if I was almost in one of the films?

Almost?

I was almost in
"Inglorious Baseballists."

Yeah, see, I tried to have
sex with the producer,

Harvey Einstein, but he ran out

of the bunker like a
little child.

And so I left the
production and, you know,

they recast the role.

Bunker?

Oh, yeah, I set up this
romantic candlelit dinner

in an old Nazi bunker for me and Harvey.

I mean, it was just so
romantic, me and him,

and I was just like, "Harvey, I want you."

And he was like, "No."

And I was like, "Harvey, I
want you right now, you know?"

And he was like, "You tricked
me in bringing me down here."

And I was like, "Harvey, you
go into an old Nazi bunker

with somebody, what do you
think is gonna happen, huh,"

right, and so then I tell him,

"Harvey, you're gonna do
what I want you to do,

and you're gonna do exactly what I say

or I'm quitting the
production, period," so I quit.

So you didn't play in this film at all?

Nope, nope, no, I'm not.

Okay, let me check.

Hey, Crystal, yeah, are
we doing any free tickets

for a lady here who almost played

in "Inglorious Baseballists"?

Uh-huh, yeah, uh, we've
got nothing on that one.

Nobody actually responded
to you though, so.

Yeah, he did.

She did.

Okay.

Who is it?

Delivery service.

Who is it for?

For you, my darling.

Oh, you scared me.

But I do not recognize
the courier company.

It's not FedUp, nor UPIS.

Don't try to be funny.

I'm not, look.

It doesn't matter what
the courier company is.

What matters what's inside the package.

What, what?

Let the man in, take a
package, see for yourself.

Hello.

Hi.

Now go to your room, be gentle with it.

I'll see you later.

You guys want me to come in?

I just shut the door for you.

♪ I was on business
trip on the other day ♪

♪ It was perfect time
to see that local girl ♪

♪ I knew that place and
I knew that I'm close ♪

♪ I was ready for her,
I was ready, let's go ♪

♪ Finally, yes, there she is ♪

♪ A beautiful smile, amazing tits ♪

♪ She sat next to me,
I looked at her legs ♪

♪ Then she told me her
prices has changed ♪

♪ She charged me a lot but
I knew she's the best ♪

♪ She knew many tricks like nobody else ♪

♪ With her, I'm in heaven ♪

♪ I could fly all the time ♪

♪ She was all I needed, she was all mine ♪

♪ Ooh, baby ♪

♪ Yeah, oh ♪

♪ Hmm ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Mm ♪

♪ Ah, mm, ah ♪

So I noticed that you are
screening "14 Plus Three."

Oh, huh, that's a favorite.

1969, if I do recall correctly.

You do, and it was a fantastic film.

In fact, my grandmother was
in it and she's the star.

Who?

My grandmother, Cheryl Tattoo.

I'm Shannon Tattoo, Cheryl Tattoo.

Honestly, I've never seen
it on the big screen.

I'd love to catch it.

Okay, hold on.

Okay.

Yeah, hey, Crystal?

We doing any free tickets

on the granddaughter of Cheryl Tattoo?

Yeah, no.

Okay, so again,

I just don't think anyone's
actually back there, no one,

- no one responded.
- There is somebody.

He is there, he's just a little busy.

Listen, tickets are five bucks.

You want to get a free one, you
gotta buy one, get one free.

It's just me, I just need one.

I just need one ticket,
there's no one else.

It's just the one, just
the one ticket, um-

That's just the promo we got,
give it, take it, leave it.

Okay, yeah, you know what?

Honestly, this is a film
festival and I'm Shannon Tattoo.

So let me just, let's see here.

Let's look at your
lineup, we've got there.

Yes, see, "Woman with Bad Teeth,"

starring Shannon Tattoo, that's me.

"Bad Teeth," yeah, I see it.

Hey, Crystal, yeah, we
got the woman who starred

in "Woman with Bad Teeth," oh, great.

Yeah, we can do that.

Great, and they, that was,

that was makeup and, like,
a whole prosthetic, I,

these, you know, I have
great teeth.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Okay, well, enjoy.

Yeah, I, this is gonna be fantastic.

Hey, uh, sorry.

I almost forgot, I gotta check your ID.

What, what possible
purpose could that serve?

This is an adult movie.

We've gotta check people's age.

So I'm the actress in the film,

which means that I was the person

that was literally doing the
things that are on screen.

But I did those in real life

- on the set, right?
- Mm-hmm.

But this is an adult movie.

Let's just, yeah,

I think it'll just be quicker and simpler.

Yeah, here, I'm an adult.

Yeah, that checks.

Awesome, thank you so much.

Hey, take one of these.

Yeah, what's, what is, what's that?

This is our festival we
got coming up next month.

My Son Dance Film Festival,
that sounds interesting.

I think I'm gonna go watch the film,

so thanks, thanks so much.

♪ Oh, baby ♪

Oh, this dress is amazing.

Finally, I don't have
to be the king anymore.

I can be Marilyn from Egypt.

I'm glad you like it,
but I'm looking for the guy

with the banana that left
the door open for me.

Oh, I can sign for him.

Oh, it's not that.

I have some unfinished business
with him before I leave.

Try the backyard.

He loves his plants.

Spends more time there
than he does with me.

Oh.

Excuse me, ma'am, excuse me, ma'am.

Would you be interested in
any candy from our snack bar?

Perhaps I could take your order
for an alcoholic beverage.

Would you need to see my ID?

Oh, yes.

I knew it was you,
you're the same person,

Crystal, the cashier,
it's all the same person.

And you know what?

You look a lot like a guy who tried

to sell me a vacuum the other day,

and I feel like you're
trying to run a trick on me

and I do not appreciate it,
and I need you outta my face.

Okay, okay, I think I
know what's going on here.

You got a problem with the guy

who's trying to make a few bucks.

Maybe, sure, I might
be Crystal the cashier.

Sure, I might be the
guy on the box office.

What's wrong with a guy
trying to make a few dollars?

I have expenses, I'm
trying to make an album.

I'm trying to make something of myself.

I don't care, no one cares.

Go cry about it to Daddy Warbucks, okay?

Just leave me be.

Well, you know what?

You know what's wrong
with people like you?

You, you, you enjoy the movie.

♪ Hey, later I was so sick ♪

♪ I couldn't get up and
neither could my dick ♪

♪ That terrible itching,
the rashes and sores ♪

♪ My cellphone was gone
and my wallet, of course ♪

♪ She charged me a lot, I
thought she's the best ♪

♪ She forgot all her
tricks, I was so upset ♪

♪ This night wasn't heaven,
it was just pure hell ♪

♪ It was worst sex ever
in that crappy motel ♪

Long time no see, Casey.

Where are you?

In the kitchen.

I was in the kitchen.

Well, I was in the bathroom.

Now I'm in the kitchen.

I'm in the kitchen, where are you?

Behind you.

Stop doing that.

It's the first time I've done it.

Yes, to me, but you did it
to the producer and the king.

I read the script, it's not funny.

Don't be upset.

I was missing your perfume.

You running a line?

It's the same Old Space.

Old Space, my favorite.

On you, it always smells like new.

It is, I just bought
a bottle a few days ago.

That's not what I meant.

What did you mean?

Nevermind.

I've gotta confess, I
didn't deliver three packages.

Oh, no, you were bad, bad today.

I need to spank you.

Yes, I was bad indeed,
I need a spanking.

I need you to spank me hard, Johnny.

I need to feel your
manpower, do it, do it now.

Ooh.

Line?

Hopefully you are as thirsty

as a giraffe after a long
walk through dry Sahara.

Right after my "Ooh."

Ooh.

Hopefully you're as thirsty as a giraffe

after a long day in the dry Sahara.

Yes, I am, and this is my last stop,

and I'm ready to drink you up.

By the way, thank you
for bringing the package.

Hmm, no problem.

I'm a courier, it's my job.

Line, line?

Not that
package, this package.

Okay, can we, can we, can
we just, can we start over?

Can we, can we stop the cameras, can we-

No, continue.

Okay, okay.

I'm ready, I'm ready, woo!

Going from me, right?

Okay.

All right.

Indeed, yes, I am, and
this is my last stop,

and I'm ready to drink you up.

By the way, thank you
for bringing the package.

No problem, I'm a courier, it's my job.

Not that package, this package.

Fuck, fuck was that?

Shaking hands, just
tingling, burning sensation,

my hand, feet, my face, fucking diabetes.

I've had enough, no, fuck.

And you, you motherfucker.

Why doesn't it say how
much sugar is in you, huh?

There should be a fucking warning
label, like on cigarettes,

like sucking on this thing
can give you diabetes

or damaged nervous system.

No, because nobody gives a fuck, huh?

Not to producer of this
shit, anyway, you know,

millions of children sucking
this thing daily, fuck.

I should have gone
a long time ago.

And you,

if you suck one more lollipop,

I'll shove this little fucking
stick up your ass so far,

it'll come out through your
fucking nose, do you hear me?

One more thing, one more suck,
and I'll shove it up there.

No more fucking lollipops.

Cliff?

Yes?

Film director here.

Oh, hi, boss, how are you?

I didn't see you there,
standing in the shadows.

So you're going to find
that protestor girl, right?

Yeah, that, that's what
it says in the script.

So yeah, it's about time.

Well, hey, listen, we're over budget.

We're gonna have to cut

that scene in the theater with Shannon.

It was too long, anyway.

And why don't you just skip
going to Forrester Law Drive

and go straight to Burybank Boulevard

and pick up the protestor girl
before the cops get to her

and take her back to
where she lives in Rancho

with her friends, and
then talk to your pal,

and then come back, we
have a lot of work to do.

You got it, boss.

Rick, you wanted to see me?

Oh, yeah, hey, so I'm a little confused.

In the scene we're shooting today,

I'm a totally straight man?

Yes, and?

So I'm both a gay man and a
straight man in the same film?

You're a double agent.

The courier thinks you're gay

and you want to get close to him.

You want secret
information, but in reality,

you're a straight man.

Did you read the whole script?

Oh, yeah, it's just,

of course I, I read it twice, actually.

I just wanted to clarify so
that we're on the same page.

But don't worry, if people don't get it,

we'll make you gay or
a straight guy in post.

We may split it and make
it into TV episodes.

Eh, nobody really cares.

Rick, whatever we do here, it's
inserts between commercials.

Sad, but true.

I know, I know.

This is such an amazing spread.

Did you do all this?

No, I didn't do this, the
props department did it.

I didn't touch anything.

Okay.

Thanks again for the ride.

No problem.

Didn't the director
ask you to come back?

Like, yeah, but they
pay shit, I don't care.

I have time.

Did you wanna talk to
your pal Rancho owner?

Nah, they probably
won't recognize me anyway.

A lollipop?

It's a gift, not just a lollipop.

It's dipped in the water
from a Hollyweird reservoir.

It has to be that brand, but
when you dip it in that water,

you get,
nevermind, you'll find out.

No shit.

You want a lick now?

Nah, I'm gonna save it
for later, if that's okay.

Sure, that's fine, enjoy.

Can I pleasure you now?

What are they doing over there?

She's blowing him.

She's not blowing him.

She's reading him her poetry,
that's what she's doing.

Are you sure you're 21?

Officer, fake or not fake,

she showed me her ID and she is 21.

All right, please be gentle with him.

He's been working hard all week.

Oh, I didn't mean this way.

Uh, okay.

I meant I want to pleasure
your mind through poetry.

No one's ever pleasured
my mind with poetry before,

but couldn't you have read it to me

while we were driving over here?

Oh, no, the engine was
too loud, traffic, honking.

Besides, this is personal.

Actually, I was imagining you and me here

with me reading this to you.

Okay,

go ahead.

I wanted to be famous, famous in LA.

Come closer, my friend,
listen to what I say.

I was close, super close
to make myself happy,

but I took a wrong path
and started to feel shitty.

I wanted to be famous,
famous in Hollyweird.

I'm not even known in
the town of my childhood.

My passion, my dreams,
all of it in my mind,

I should be happy that I'm still alive.

I do not want to be famous, not anymore.

I just need my life
back to be just my own.

I should be happy that I'm still alive,

appreciate what's left in my life.

Day after day in this city,
I want to be important.

I want to feel pretty.

I wish we all still working in the film,

television, and music industry laid off,

retired or already
gone, have just one star

on the Walk of Flame to represent us all.

Wow.

What's the title?

"Walk of Blame."

I love it.

Do you?

Yeah, it's just,

I don't think all artists
should be included.

You know, I know some artists personally

that are just total pieces of shit.

Artists wanna be, at least people

who think they're artists do.

And those stars on the Walk of Flame,

they're for famous
people, not just anybody.

You know what, you're right.

I was just thinking that it's too bad

that there isn't one place

where all artists could have
a statue and be remembered,

not just those working today,
but those who are gone.

I was thinking about
everybody from the beginning

of the music, TV and film industry.

So many people.

So many.

Generally a good idea.

You know, it's real nice that
you think of artists that way.

It's a big thing.

You know that poem I just read you?

It's gonna be a song

and Charlie Don't Even
Mention is gonna sing it

on his Christian gospel album.

Bob Block is gonna produce it.

I'm gonna sing in the chorus
with some of the other girls.

Come on, I think everybody's
back from St. Burber.

I want you to meet my friends.

Charlie Don't Even
Mention is gonna like you.

Where is everybody?

Other sets, working on different movies

where the pay is better, who is that?

This is Cliff.

Hi, girls.

- Hi.
- Hi.

How do you like our Rancho?

I was here shooting "Tight
Panties Three" a few years ago.

I like "Tight Panties
One," second was okay.

Never saw the third.

It got European and
Asian distribution only.

That's probably why.

So the guy who owns the ranch,
does he still live there?

No.

Over there?

Nah.

How about there?

You pointed there already.

Oh, he's an old friend of mine.

Have any of you seen him?

That bastard is your friend?

Yeah, why?

He keeps us here against our will.

Charlie Don't Even Mention is about

to record his Christian gospel album,

and yet he sells vacuum
cleaners door to door.

We need a lot of money to
pay for this shit hole.

Well, I thought you guys
were living here for free.

For free?

Nothing's for free.

Yeah, he took our IDs,
except she kept hers.

She lied 'cause she's underage.

Can you help us somehow?

Shh, he's coming.

What's up, girls, ready for a massage?

Daddy's gonna need to relax a little bit.

Meet Cliff.

Cliff, what the hell are you doing here?

Well, it's nice that you remember me.

Of course I remember
you, you were a sex double

for Rick Smiley Dolphin
in "Tight Panties Three,"

directed by Clint Westwood, if I reckon.

The very same one.

Well, how the hell you been?

You look great.

I'm okay, and you look so, so alive.

My girls take real good care of me.

And you can see.

Ha, better than ever.

My eyes, smell, taste.

I feel like I'm 20 years
old all over again, Cliff.

My angels here, they give
me, uh, what's it called?

A lollipop.

Lollipop, of course
I know it's a lollipop.

It's a special lollipop.

It's one of them lollipops dipped

in that Hollyweird reservoir water.

Oh, by the way, where
have you been all day?

Would you please go get him some?

He already got one.

Oh, perfect, two for me.

Go on, sweetheart.

So Cliff, what you say about
you staying for some supper?

Oh, I can't, I was just here dropping

that lovely lady off
and I gotta head back.

Come on, we'll jump
over fire, shoot dice,

and I'll even go get
some pizza with gluten.

You know, they don't make
pizza with gluten anymore.

Oh, by the way, Charlie
sold three vacuums today.

Come on, could be a real fun night, boy.

Okay, I can stay here for about an hour

and then I gotta leave.

That's the Cliff I know, come on.

So I'm thinking we get you
in "Tight Panties Four."

I heard really Clint
Southwood directing this time.

Oh, fantastic.

It's bass tone guy.

Yeah, well, come here.

Stop it, just, just stop that.

Bass tone guy, welcome.

Okay, sweetie?

I'm fine, I'm a little cold.

Why'd you bring that thing here?

Worms, when I see them,

I smash them with this bass guitar.

Now, that's funny.

Well, it's not funny-

Yeah, it is, 'cause in the
original movie he said "war"

and he said "worms," it's
a play on words.

Oh, yeah, well,
I never saw the original,

but it makes sense, it is funny.

You know, it's illegal

to shoot porn without condoms, right?

You want me to put this in her mouth?

So she'll eat it and like it so much

that she has to eat it every
day until she gets diabetes.

Is that what you want, huh?

No.

What do you want?

I want 50 chicks for episode six,

seven and eight of "Pussy Alley,"

and they better be clean,
hair done, camera ready,

which means I will not
pay extra for makeup work.

Is that clear?

Yeah.

Rick, that was awesome.

Oh, impersonating Leonardo
DiCarpenter-Tino, oh, good job.

Thank you, that's
what you wanted, right?

Oh, yes.

I mean, I watched all his films.

I studied his acting, I
learned so much from him.

Wow, yeah, angry
Leonardo DiCarpenter-Tino,

that's what makes people feel good.

And that candy bar, where
did you even get that?

We don't have vending machines on the set.

I brought it from home, just in case.

Oh, Rick-ardino, brilliant-ino.

Rick fucking Smiley Dolphin.

Rick was elated,

feeling like he's finally
regained a grasp on his career.

Jeffrey took a liking to Cliff.

They shared a friendly walk,
which was abruptly ended

when Cliff confronted
Jeffrey on his girls,

asking if it's true that he
keeps them against their will.

Jeffrey was mad, shouting,

"I'm Jeffrey Epson, and
this is my goddamn ranch.

I can do whatever I
want to do on my ranch."

The clash was luckily cut short

by the local psychopath, Nice Teeth Guy.

Cliff returned to the ladies,

suggesting that they call the police.

Concurrently, Nice Teeth Guy

brutally stabbed Jeffrey to death.

Cliff pleaded to the girls
to get the hell out of there,

just before doing exactly that himself.

It was around this time
Cliff landed a great job

as a production assistant
on "Tiny Titties."

He was responsible for
handling film equipment,

along with the preparation
of all sex toys.

Captain, we must go to warp speed.

And I can't do it, Captain,
I don't have the power.

So it's dipped in what?

Hollyweird reservoir
water, you wanna try it?

No, I've had problems with sugar lately.

Maybe some other time.

Okay, I'm gonna put it here.

Just don't lick it without me, okay?

Okay.

I've been meaning to ask you.

I always thought heavy
people will have diabetes.

Are you okay, are you healthy?

I'm pre-diabetic, but I know a lot

of skinny people that have diabetes.

All of this just kind of happened.

I really need to lose some weight.

I'm getting scared.

Yeah.

Oh, oh, look, it's my scene.

What's up, everybody?

Welcome to beautiful Veneer Beach.

I'm your host, Benny Fit, why Benny Fit?

Well, I adopted name after
Bennet Hilarious, who is,

or I should say was, the
greatest comedian of all time.

And also, after you've done these

- set of exercises-
- Benny Fit,

- nice title.
- You're going to feel

amazing, you're gonna be happy-

Benny Hilarious was so funny.

Now are you ready?

He was.

Are you ready, let's go.

Now in this episode, I want you to imagine

that you're in the mountains
on vacation skiing,

weather is beautiful, the sun is shining,

and you're going down a huge hill.

You go left, you go right.

You go forward, you go left, you go right.

Yes, can you connect me to BD Voice,

"Gayme of Thrones" producer?

That's G-A-Y, "Gayme of Thrones" producer.

- You do produce it, right?
- Left, right, forward.

Left, right, forward.

Shoes Maker here.

No, not Schumaker, that's my father.

Now after a good ski,

your boyfriend wants to go for
ice cream, so what do you do?

Shoes Maker, yes, uh-huh.

Turn your head to the right.

- Yeah, yes.
- And then to the left.

Yes, I know, I added,
yes, I added a letter S.

And to the left, the
right and to the left,

to the right and to the
left and to the right.

- And then to the left.
- Hi.

Turn on "Snow Time" right now.

And to the left, to the right-

I'm looking at our new star.

And to the left,

- and to the right-
- Yes.

And to the left.

Now you're relaxing in the spa

and your boyfriend wants
to go for another ski.

So what do you do?

You do this move, head up and down,

then up and down, then up and down,

- up and down.
- Hmm.

And up and down.

You're stretching your neck right.

Carefully, slowly, very slowly.

I know, oh, you taught me that.

Thanks, man.

Yeah.

Yeah, I did tell you that, you're welcome.

Now, it's 2:00 am and
you're at the store,

but there's only five bottles left

on the shelf of your favorite liquor,

and the client next to you
also wants those bottles.

So what do you do?

You have to reach for those bottles fast

so he can't steal them ahead of you.

Here's what you gotta do.

You gotta go, with your
left hand first, you go one,

two, three, four, five, all right?

You go one, two, three, four, five.

Now you gotta speed it
up, you gotta go faster.

It's one, two, three, four, five.

One, two, three, four, five,

- one, two, three, four, five.
- Wow.

One, two, three-

When did you have time to practice?

One, two, three, four, five-

No practice, I didn't know
I could do it so fast.

You grabbed those bottles

before the other guy
could get them, but uh-oh,

now he's pissed off and
he wants to fight you,

so what do you?

You kick him in the balls.

Yeah, just kick him in the balls.

But out of nowhere,
his boyfriend shows up.

So what are you gonna do?

You gotta kick him in the balls, too.

You gotta kick two pair
of balls at the same time.

That's right, left,
right, left, right, left,

right, left, right, left.

All of a sudden,

there's more boys jumping
off the party bus,

so now you gotta kick four
pair of balls at the same time.

So it's front, front, back,
back, front, front, back,

back, front, front, back,
back, front, front, back, back,

front, front, back, back, woo.

Well done, everyone, you did it.

Now, I hope you feel better,
and I will see you next time.

You're getting better and better.

Soon you're not even gonna need me.

No, don't say that, you're my pal.

But, you know, I miss regular,

I mean, sex with women.

All these gay films are fine, but-

Wow, I'm surprised.

This is like a whole
extra scene in the film.

I mean, you open up to me?

What, what film?

Nevermind, um,

you said you were okay with it.

I mean, you're really good at it.

I almost believe you're gay
just by watching you on TV.

Thanks, I mean, I can do it,

no biggie, but you know, I, I miss vagina.

Like, now, all I see is
some other guy's ass.

Hey, man.

Listen, I'm your sex double.

If you can't do it anymore,

then just let me know and I'll step in

so you don't have to do it for so long.

I mean, they can get a close
up of your face only, right?

Right.

So let them get,
like, a close up of you,

like in "The Hula Hoop Diaries."

Oh, yeah.

And then I'll step in and do the rest

with a full body shot.

Man, you are a true friend.

Thanks, man.

You know what?

You can grab your stuff from the garage

and take one of the guest rooms.

How do you know I'm
sleeping in the garage?

♪ I want you to lick my body ♪

I found a picture frame
behind the mattress,

Samantha Fax for president.

I gave that to you as a gift
after I'd been to her concert.

♪ I want you to lick me now ♪

Yeah, she's a great singer.

One of the best.

♪ Lick me, lick me, lick me now♪

Rick played
in a few gay films.

One of them was "InvestiGaytion,"
about a gay cop who needs

to pretend he's a macho straight guy.

Johnson, get me an orange juice, stat.

I am speechless.

O-M-G, I need to take a pill and lay down.

Yes, Johnson, orange juice,
orange juice, how hard is it?

Next, "Gayliver,"
a film about a giant man.

Parts of his body were just
enormous, except his penis.

They blurred it anyway.

Hi, I'm reporting live here
from the old timey gay-zer,

and we're just waiting for it to explode.

It's very exciting.

"Gayzer of Yolkstone,"
more like a documentary,

Rick was interviewing gay couples

who were visiting this
extraordinary national park.

There it goes, ladies
and gentlemen, oh, oh.

Got some in my eye there, I think.

Well, it's done, it was
fantastic, it was phenomenal.

It was a rainbow of water.

"MacGayver,"
modern, smart superhero

who saves the world.

"Nice Gays," Cliff was casted
for the first time as an actor

and both Rick and cliff played in it.

The film did not do
well at the box office.

Industry film critics blamed
Cliff for his poor acting.

Because of Shannon's poor vision,

she hadn't noticed that her
pup was missing until now.

She eventually found a bloody
carrier hidden in her bushes.

Because of Shannon's poor vision,

she hadn't noticed that her
pup was missing until now.

Pinky, is that you?

She eventually
found a bloody carrier hidden

in her bushes.

Is this blood?

Pinky, where are you, what happened?

Mommy's coming.

Karma soon caught
up to Roman Polanowski's son.

The puppy was finally avenged.

A few days passed

and Charlie Don't Even Mention got

yet another undisclosed part-time job.

Cliff soon moved into Rick's guest house.

He was truly touched to
finally have his own bed.

You made it, baby.

Rick was exhausted.

He had been shooting film after film.

He wanted to take a break,

but more work was in front of him.

Scene number 110, important conversation

with Cliff in the restaurant.

Scene 111, Rick offering
that he will adopt Cliff.

Scene 112, Rick is dropping his wife

on the floor while he was
carrying her entering a house,

a few more scenes in the restaurant,

and then probably the
most important, scene 113,

Rick getting pissed off

at Charlie Don't Even Mention gang member

for peeing on his lawn,

but two more producers
left this film production.

So even if Rick was able
to shoot those scenes,

the director literally
did not have the budget

to create them.

Oh, hold on.

We have an update, we
have that peeing scene.

What are you reading?

"Donkey Hot."

Oh, that's a nice one.

Mm-hmm.

What do you got there?

Oh, it's "His Kampf," yeah,

I got it from our
neighbor, Polanowski's son.

Oh, I like German
writers, is it any good?

Well, I just started it.

Yeah, he and his wife went to Argentina

and met the author, so it's signed.

Hmm, can I read it when you're done?

I have it for another
week, so of course.

Do you hear that?

No, what?

It sounds like there's
water dropping somewhere.

Oh, I don't hear anything.

And again, it's dripping,
it's starting to do that again.

What?

What are you doing here,
and, like, who are you?

I'm sorry, we came here
to see the puppy next door

and nobody was home, I really had to pee.

But you have to do that here?

It was closest.

Well, just go over there.

Just get outta here.

Okay, fine, I'll put my panties back on.

Would you please be nice and not watch?

Fine, just get the hell outta here.

Oh, what was it?

Oh, some girl pissing on our rocks.

She what?

Pissing on our rocks.

Is she gone?

Oh, she was putting her panties back on

and asked me not to watch, you know?

So I assume she's gone by now.

Are you okay there?

Yeah, I thought I had to pee,

but it's number two, as well.

Oh, geez, don't do that here.

Come in, all right, use our restroom.

Too late, I just finished.

Oh my gosh.

Okay, you know, you don't go around

and poop on people's rocks like that.

Sorry, it's just,

I'll clean it up.

Yes, you will, all right?

Just, just stay, I'm gonna
go grab some paper towels.

Is she with you?

Yeah, she's my friend.

What's going on?

She pooped on our rocks.

Motherfuck.

Are you kidding me?

I'm so sorry, it's just,

I saw my poop and it
made me sick.

Oh my God, what is that
smell, what did you eat?

Taco balls.

Okay, okay, oh, what's that smell?

She ate taco balls.

Girls, I need you to
get outta here right now

or I'll call the cops, okay, now.

No, they need to clean this up.

I'll do it, just go.

Please go.

Hey, hey, I left my tampon in the car.

You don't need your tampons.

Where were you gonna change it, anyway?

In the house.

Oh, yeah, you were gonna say,

"Hi, everyone, we're here to kill you.

Oh, hold on, where's your bathroom.

I need to change my tampon first"?

You don't have to be mean about it.

Look, we go in five
minutes, then we're out.

Change your tampon later.

Nice try, she had tried to escape.

No, I didn't.

Yeah, you did.

Why are you wearing
a gray shirt, anyway?

They sold out of the
white shirts, so I got gray.

Charlie wanted us to wear
white so we could see the blood.

Okay.

Wear white next time.

Okay.

Hey, I remember you.

Rick.

Hmm?

Today's the day?

Yeah, let's do it.

You want the first lick?

No, you go ahead.

All right.

Oh.

Do you feel anything?

No, nothing.

Yeah, me neither.

Hey, where is everybody?

I thought you said this was supposed

to be like the Hollyweird
party of the year or something.

Don't even ask, man.

I don't know what happened,
but just two, you know,

a few stragglers showed
up and most people bailed.

So does that mean all
the producers bailed, too?

Yeah, well, all but one.

Oh, and, um, he is coming towards us.

Gentlemen, how are we doing?

I'd like to introduce you to
my friend here, this is Alex.

Hello.

Buongiorno.

Alex has an amazing set of skills

that he's actually gonna show
you in just a couple minutes.

Isn't that right?

Yes, indeed.

Now, Rick, is it okay if, uh,

I just make an announcement here

in the other room real quick?

Yeah, sure.

All right, great, great, great.

Okay, if I can just get
everybody's attention, please.

Rick, thank you for inviting all of us.

Unfortunately, I have some bad news.

It seems that Sasha Bacon
Cohen, Daniel Parkliffe,

Zach Afro, and Woody Harley

and his son have all
abandoned this project,

mainly because the casting of Kevin Space,

who I wanted to give an opportunity

to work on our terrific flick.

The guy has heart.

He's a great guy.

The thing is, we just
really needed some star power,

and Kevin Space was
unfortunately the only one

who would do it for $1,000 a day.

But now that the producers
have dropped out,

we don't even have that
in our bank account,

but we're not gonna give up.

We're not going to surrender.

We're gonna stay strong because
I have something better.

This, this is our new face

of our Hollyweird
production and TV industry.

He is a fresh new face, a
rare diamond in the rough,

and he is gonna get us out of this.

So what's up with the, uh, dart board?

Just you wait and see,

although we should probably do it outside.

Oh yeah, we're definitely
doing it outside.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- That'd be better.

Hi, everyone, how are you?

Sorry to interrupt, we're
looking for someone.

Yeah, maybe you could help us.

Shit, I left my glasses in the car.

Is this part of the show?

Uh, no, I do not know them.

We're looking for
Sharon Tote, Sharon Tote.

Cheryl Tatum?

I'm Roberto Tattoo.

Are you Cheryl Tatum?

I play guitar, sing a
little bit, play some drums.

I wrote a screenplay, too.

So obviously not Cheryl Tatum, yeah.

Well, I'm kind of an up and comer,

so I could change my name, if that helps.

Guys, guys, I don't wanna be rude,

but who are you looking for, and why?

We just need to speak to the lady.

Any idea where she is?

Well, if you can find the correct name

on your little device there,
we'll be glad to help you.

Funny guy.

What are you trying to tell us-

You must be the host of this party.

That is not a word.

It sounds like you're
trying to start a horse.

What are you saying?

We need to work on our communication.

I don't know what you're-

Show them what you've got.

Oh, now you're talking, Mr. Producer.

What have you done
to my girls?

So who are you again?

I am the Diarrhea Man.

Like a superhero character?

Not like most superheroes,
like "Man from Iron,"

but yeah, I got skills.

Oh, you got skills, I can tell, wow.

Thanks.

I'm actually gonna be in part two

of this film, the beginning.

They'll tell the story
of how my career started.

There's gonna be a part two?

Mm.

How come I don't know about this?

Yeah, I read the script.

I think you're gonna be in it.

No, wait, no, you're not.

Well, actually, maybe.

You probably could be in it, sort of.

Well, actually, I will
definitively say this.

You might be in it maybe
sort of, but you won't.

They barely finished this film,

and all of a sudden
magically they have budget

for a second one, that's interesting.

Hmm.

And who are you?

I'm Shannon Tattoo.

Oh, you're the one
they were looking for.

Oh, I was in the bathroom.

I have no idea what's going on.

Yeah, I think they came to kill you.

Me, why?

I mean, one of them confessed

that you pissed off
Charlie Don't Even Mention

when he was looking

for Christian gospel music
producer Bob Block at some point.

Yeah, apparently you yelled so hard

at him that he was so rattled,

he couldn't sell a single
vacuum cleaner for like a month.

That was my period talking.

I actually remember him,
he was a really sweet guy.

But if they were trying to find me,

why did they come to this place?

Oh, they followed you.

And they confessed?

How do you know that?

No, the director of this movie told me.

Yeah, it's one of those
things that didn't shoot.

Anyway, um, do you guys
wanna go and get hot cocoa?

Oh, no, I can't do
that, it makes it worse.

It can get worse?

Like, then what did we just witness?

Man, my shit can kill.

Well, how about you, Shannon?

I mean, you must be eating for two.

No, I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat.

So I've been just eating like crazy

because I just found out

that my boyfriend is a
fairly well known porn star,

and I'm just trying to
process that information.

Uh, you guys are in the
porn industry though, right?

Is he, like, famous, famous?

Nah, no, nope, mm-mm, no.

Well, I just don't
know what I'm gonna do

with all of these gadgets.

What gadgets?

Don't worry about it.

So, question, why did you bring a bag?

Oh, well, I heard you
have a pool, so.

Oh yeah, yeah, it's really nice, yeah.

Do you wanna go and check it out?

Um, honestly, I'd like
to kind of stay here.

I just think I'll feel so much better

when I see those bitches
getting carried off

in those cop cars.

Oh, oh, they left like 30 minutes ago.

Yeah, yeah, that's just
like a production device

that sends out red and blue lights.

Yeah, the prop system left it on.

Hey, Cliff?

Yeah, can we turn this off?

See, there you go, thanks, Cliff.

Huh.

So you wanna go?

Oh, sure, yeah.

Yeah, oh, and I loved your grandmother

in the movies by the way, she was so good.

Thank you, yeah,
she was just fantastic.

Wonderful actress, one of a kind.

Best party ever.

♪ I wanted to be famous ♪

♪ Famous in LA ♪

♪ Come closer, my friend ♪

♪ To listen to what I say ♪

♪ I was super close ♪

♪ To make myself happy ♪

♪ But I took a wrong path ♪

♪ And I started to feel shitty ♪

Hello, children.

My name is Rick Smiley Dolphin,

and what I got here is
a great refreshment,

amazing taste, one of a kind.

But this product may
also give you diabetes.

Now my feet are burning so
much and it's so uncomfortable

that I can't stand or walk for too long,

24 hours a day, seven days a week.

And even if you stop drinking it,

symptoms can last for the
next two to three years.

Many products on the
market have added sugar.

I just recently found out
how much sugar there is

in the milk in my morning coffee

that I get from my favorite coffee place.

For me, it started when I was young,

just like you, trick or
treating with my friends.

You'd eat the candies,

and one candy a day turned into a habit.

You've been told that drugs,

alcohol, and cigarettes
are bad for you.

Sugar, you need to add sugar to that list.

Now, I like this company.

They placed a warning label
on the back of their product.

"Warning, this product
contains high amounts of sugar.

By consuming daily, it
may give you diabetes,

or and damage your nervous system."

Now you won't find
warning labels like this

on any products out there, why?

Because nobody gives a fuck.

Whoa, whoa,
Rick, this is for kids.

You can't say "fuck."

Because nobody gives a shit.

You can't say "shit," either.

Try something less vulgar.

Because nobody cares.

The only person who should care

about your health and wellbeing is you.

So be careful what you
eat and drink, kids.

Now, I wish you all good health,
take care, and good luck.

Okay, and we got it.

The script says you drink
the product, can you do that?

No, what, are you kidding me?

I don't want my symptoms to get worse.

No fucking way I'm doing it.

No, fuck off.

Try Cock Cola, or his brother
from another mother, PimpSea.

Great taste, same shit.

Hey, Rick, I don't
see that line in the script.

Can we say that?

Nope, but I did,
and it's too late now.