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1
00:00:02,301 --> 00:00:04,014
- Hey, buddy.
- Hi, Uncle Charlie.
2
00:00:04,183 --> 00:00:07,110
- Ready for a fun weekend?
- He's not gonna have a fun weekend.
3
00:00:07,279 --> 00:00:10,039
Charlie, he's gonna study
for a history test on Monday.
4
00:00:10,374 --> 00:00:13,968
Well, if believing that gets you back
in your car, I'll play along.
5
00:00:14,976 --> 00:00:16,808
- Where's Alan?
- He's not here.
6
00:00:16,984 --> 00:00:18,781
Really? I told him I was on my way.
7
00:00:18,950 --> 00:00:20,913
That might be why he's not here.
8
00:00:21,083 --> 00:00:23,629
Okay, I'll just have to go
over everything with you.
9
00:00:23,802 --> 00:00:25,349
I'm gonna visit my parents.
10
00:00:25,518 --> 00:00:28,944
I won't pick Jake up till Wednesday.
Alan has to take him to school.
11
00:00:29,115 --> 00:00:30,447
Monday is soccer practice.
12
00:00:30,621 --> 00:00:33,464
He has his math tutor
and his guitar teacher on Tuesday...
13
00:00:33,633 --> 00:00:34,751
Hang on. Hang on.
14
00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:38,074
Subtitles downloaded from Podnapisi.NET
15
00:00:45,095 --> 00:00:47,058
Oh, hi, Judith.
16
00:00:47,228 --> 00:00:49,477
Alan, why are you avoiding me?
17
00:00:49,654 --> 00:00:54,330
- I'm not avoiding you as much as...
- Hiding.
18
00:00:55,218 --> 00:00:57,263
- Thank you.
- Why were you hiding?
19
00:00:57,435 --> 00:01:01,028
Why does the wounded gazelle
hide from the stealthy jaguar?
20
00:01:02,580 --> 00:01:05,506
Why does the helpless piglet
hide from ravenous wolverine?
21
00:01:08,144 --> 00:01:09,393
Animal Planet.
22
00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:12,950
You learn a lot.
23
00:01:13,540 --> 00:01:15,919
We need to talk
about your pain-in-the-ass mother.
24
00:01:16,092 --> 00:01:17,507
You know, I would love to...
25
00:01:17,681 --> 00:01:21,477
...but as Charlie told you, I'm not here.
- I let her take Jake out to dinner.
26
00:01:21,655 --> 00:01:25,534
She brought him home and she lectured
me for 15 minutes about his dirty ears.
27
00:01:25,713 --> 00:01:28,842
- Fifteen minutes, huh?
- How long is this gonna take?
28
00:01:29,018 --> 00:01:30,302
Like I'm a bad parent.
29
00:01:30,482 --> 00:01:33,611
Let her try and get a Q-Tip
in a squirming 11 -year-old boy's ear.
30
00:01:33,787 --> 00:01:37,082
Mom didn't believe in Q-Tips.
She had a squirt gun.
31
00:01:37,259 --> 00:01:39,971
You know, the woolly meerkat
of western Africa...
32
00:01:40,145 --> 00:01:43,405
...buries her cubs up to their necks
and licks their ears clean.
33
00:01:44,956 --> 00:01:47,038
What? It seemed apropos.
34
00:01:47,214 --> 00:01:49,795
If she wants to spend time
with her grandson...
35
00:01:49,975 --> 00:01:52,307
...she needs to back off.
- Okay, I'll tell her.
36
00:01:52,485 --> 00:01:55,531
- Thank you.
- I'll tell Alan you stopped by.
37
00:02:04,324 --> 00:02:08,202
Okay, Lewis and Clark explored what?
38
00:02:08,381 --> 00:02:11,010
- I don't remember.
- You just read that chapter.
39
00:02:11,184 --> 00:02:14,397
Yeah, but Lewis and Clark
was a long time ago.
40
00:02:15,785 --> 00:02:18,284
Thanks for the ride, Sally.
41
00:02:18,881 --> 00:02:22,057
And for getting me home too.
42
00:02:23,441 --> 00:02:26,617
- Why is that funny?
- It's not.
43
00:02:26,787 --> 00:02:29,916
Mustang Sally, giddyup.
44
00:02:31,514 --> 00:02:33,429
Now, Lewis and Clark.
45
00:02:33,606 --> 00:02:35,819
Face it, Dad,
I'm just not good at history.
46
00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:38,155
Really? What did you have
for lunch yesterday?
47
00:02:39,044 --> 00:02:42,303
A pizza square. Actually, two
pizza squares, a ice cream sandwich...
48
00:02:42,474 --> 00:02:45,400
...and a bag of Skittles.
- Okay, see, that's history.
49
00:02:45,569 --> 00:02:47,699
And a Ding Dong and a diet root beer.
50
00:02:48,289 --> 00:02:50,168
- Great.
- Wait. It wasn't a Ding Dong.
51
00:02:50,338 --> 00:02:52,135
- It was a Ho Ho.
- Got it.
52
00:02:54,145 --> 00:02:57,821
You know what I like?
Those big, pink things with coconut.
53
00:02:57,993 --> 00:03:01,872
- Snow Balls?
- Exactly. Can you still get those?
54
00:03:02,051 --> 00:03:04,977
Yeah, but not at the supermarket.
You have to go to 7-Eleven.
55
00:03:05,147 --> 00:03:07,192
Thank you.
56
00:03:07,364 --> 00:03:10,041
Alan, will you drive me to 7-Eleven?
57
00:03:11,380 --> 00:03:13,378
No, we are trying to study.
58
00:03:13,555 --> 00:03:15,184
All right, I'll hoof it.
59
00:03:16,316 --> 00:03:18,480
- Can I bring you back something?
- Ding Dong.
60
00:03:18,658 --> 00:03:20,621
Who's there?
61
00:03:20,792 --> 00:03:22,921
I'm trying to get him ready for his test.
62
00:03:23,092 --> 00:03:28,184
Sorry. Sorry. You go ahead.
I'll pretend I'm not here.
63
00:03:29,116 --> 00:03:33,173
Okay, Lewis and Clark explored what?
64
00:03:33,341 --> 00:03:34,720
Louisiana Purchase.
65
00:03:37,357 --> 00:03:38,986
- Right.
- I knew that.
66
00:03:39,156 --> 00:03:41,238
Yeah, but Uncle Charlie buzzed first.
67
00:03:41,415 --> 00:03:43,747
And I'm still buzzed.
68
00:03:45,807 --> 00:03:48,852
- Okay, give me another question.
- All right.
69
00:03:49,028 --> 00:03:51,954
Seward's Folly
is another name for?
70
00:03:52,123 --> 00:03:53,456
- Jake?
- Alaska.
71
00:03:53,629 --> 00:03:58,389
- Very good.
- Oh, I was gonna say Mrs. Seward.
72
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,454
Okay, the score is 1 to 1.
73
00:04:02,623 --> 00:04:04,086
Now that you mention it...
74
00:04:04,255 --> 00:04:06,967
...an Eskimo Pie would go down
pretty good right now.
75
00:04:07,768 --> 00:04:09,565
Alan, will you drive me to 7-Eleven?
76
00:04:11,366 --> 00:04:12,865
No, next question:
77
00:04:13,039 --> 00:04:16,002
- The War of 1812...
- 1812.
78
00:04:17,724 --> 00:04:20,437
- No.
- 1813.
79
00:04:21,071 --> 00:04:22,403
Let me finish the question.
80
00:04:22,577 --> 00:04:25,254
The War of 1812 was fought
against whom?
81
00:04:25,421 --> 00:04:27,801
- The British.
- Very good, 2 to 1, Jake.
82
00:04:27,973 --> 00:04:31,316
- Yes.
- No fair. My buzzer's broken.
83
00:04:32,449 --> 00:04:35,792
- Next question.
- Let me try yours.
84
00:04:37,469 --> 00:04:39,432
See? His works.
85
00:04:43,995 --> 00:04:46,374
All right, contestants,
we are at the final round.
86
00:04:46,546 --> 00:04:47,926
The questions are worth more.
87
00:04:48,094 --> 00:04:50,938
- And the answers are harder.
- True.
88
00:04:53,198 --> 00:04:56,873
- Wait for a question.
- Okay.
89
00:04:57,046 --> 00:05:00,389
Here we go. Name three changes
in American life...
90
00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:02,725
...brought about
by the industrial revolution.
91
00:05:03,739 --> 00:05:09,129
Populations shift to cities, employment
moving from farms to factories, and...
92
00:05:10,558 --> 00:05:13,687
- Yes?
- Sorry, I hit it by mistake.
93
00:05:16,163 --> 00:05:18,078
- Settlement of the West.
- That's correct.
94
00:05:18,255 --> 00:05:20,467
- You are our new champion.
- Yes.
95
00:05:20,639 --> 00:05:23,018
Settlement of the West.
96
00:05:23,191 --> 00:05:26,867
- You see, Jake? You know this stuff.
- Yeah, I guess I do.
97
00:05:27,039 --> 00:05:30,418
- Trust me, you are gonna do great.
- Yeah, thanks, Dad.
98
00:05:30,595 --> 00:05:32,558
You're welcome.
Now go get ready for bed.
99
00:05:32,728 --> 00:05:36,738
- I'll be there in a minute to tuck you in.
- Okey-dokey.
100
00:05:44,148 --> 00:05:47,444
Oh, I gotta get a security camera.
101
00:05:47,620 --> 00:05:49,785
Where's your brother?
I wanna talk to him.
102
00:05:49,963 --> 00:05:52,723
- He's not here.
- Oh, really?
103
00:05:52,891 --> 00:05:55,936
No, he's actually not here.
104
00:05:56,112 --> 00:05:57,944
You know what his ex-wife
said to me?
105
00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:00,119
Mom, please go away.
106
00:06:00,295 --> 00:06:03,091
She never calls me "Mom,"
but that was the gist of it.
107
00:06:03,642 --> 00:06:04,926
I took Jake out to dinner...
108
00:06:05,106 --> 00:06:07,401
- You're pretending not to understand me.
- Right.
109
00:06:07,574 --> 00:06:10,155
And all I did was suggest to Judith...
110
00:06:10,335 --> 00:06:14,427
...that she might wanna pay a little more
attention to her son's ear hygiene.
111
00:06:14,602 --> 00:06:17,065
Not only was she completely
unappreciative...
112
00:06:17,237 --> 00:06:20,616
...but she had the nerve to denigrate
how I raised my sons.
113
00:06:20,793 --> 00:06:24,052
Yeah, because we turned out so well.
114
00:06:24,223 --> 00:06:28,149
Excuse me, but whatever
emotional issues you think you have...
115
00:06:28,322 --> 00:06:31,285
...I kept your ears spotless.
116
00:06:31,460 --> 00:06:33,589
I remember.
You used the same Super Soaker...
117
00:06:33,761 --> 00:06:36,009
...to keep us off the furniture.
118
00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:37,983
Ladies and gentlemen...
119
00:06:38,153 --> 00:06:43,793
...presenting noted scholar
and A-student, Jake Harper.
120
00:06:46,310 --> 00:06:47,689
- You got an A?
- I got an A.
121
00:06:47,858 --> 00:06:51,117
- All right. Way to go.
- Congratulations, Jake.
122
00:06:51,288 --> 00:06:56,094
- Thanks. It's my first A this year.
- Really? Well, it's none too soon then.
123
00:06:56,266 --> 00:06:58,514
- Mom, leave it alone.
- I'm not saying anything.
124
00:06:58,692 --> 00:07:01,737
I think it's wonderful.
Did anybody else in your class get an A?
125
00:07:01,913 --> 00:07:03,495
Almost everybody. Why?
126
00:07:03,670 --> 00:07:06,168
Oh, I was just curious
as to how hard the test was.
127
00:07:06,347 --> 00:07:08,144
It doesn't matter, Mom.
Still an A.
128
00:07:08,313 --> 00:07:11,823
An A is very nice. I just don't know
why you're making such a big fuss...
129
00:07:11,995 --> 00:07:15,421
...if they're just handing them out
like rubella vaccinations.
130
00:07:15,592 --> 00:07:18,090
I don't know.
It looks like a pretty hard test to me.
131
00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:21,443
- No, it was easy.
- That's because you studied.
132
00:07:21,616 --> 00:07:24,114
- You earned that A.
- Wendy Chow got an A-plus.
133
00:07:24,293 --> 00:07:26,541
You hear that?
Wendy Chow got an A-plus.
134
00:07:26,719 --> 00:07:29,218
Wendy Chow is a freak of nature.
135
00:07:29,396 --> 00:07:31,942
She cloned a goldfish
for the science fair.
136
00:07:32,116 --> 00:07:33,530
We can't compare Jake to her.
137
00:07:33,705 --> 00:07:37,250
Who should we compare him to then?
The paste eaters and the unibrows?
138
00:07:38,181 --> 00:07:41,275
Darling, if you set the bar
low in childhood...
139
00:07:41,444 --> 00:07:43,823
...he may never reach
the heights he's capable of.
140
00:07:43,996 --> 00:07:47,005
You're condemning him
to a life of failure and mediocrity.
141
00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:50,518
Is that what you want, Jake?
A life of failure and mediocrity?
142
00:07:51,860 --> 00:07:53,239
No.
143
00:07:54,119 --> 00:07:57,629
You see? He may well be sharper
than you give him credit for.
144
00:07:59,473 --> 00:08:01,306
I'm gonna go to my room.
145
00:08:02,025 --> 00:08:04,274
I am putting that A-paper
up on the fridge.
146
00:08:04,451 --> 00:08:07,913
Wow. Texas used to be
a separate country.
147
00:08:11,563 --> 00:08:13,526
Why did we change that?
148
00:08:14,491 --> 00:08:16,323
Not now, Charlie.
How dare you?
149
00:08:17,001 --> 00:08:19,546
- Excuse me?
- He worked hard on that test.
150
00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:22,896
He was finally feeling good
about himself and his abilities...
151
00:08:23,066 --> 00:08:25,065
...and in 30 seconds
you managed to suck...
152
00:08:25,242 --> 00:08:28,204
...every bit of self-esteem out of him.
You're like a...
153
00:08:28,379 --> 00:08:31,008
- A self-esteem sucker.
- Yes, exactly.
154
00:08:32,102 --> 00:08:34,731
Alan, I was just having
a conversation with the boy.
155
00:08:34,905 --> 00:08:37,534
No. No, you don't
have conversations. You...
156
00:08:37,707 --> 00:08:40,122
Suck self-esteem.
157
00:08:42,267 --> 00:08:44,396
I would've gotten it.
158
00:08:44,568 --> 00:08:49,374
Mom, I am sorry, but I don't think
I want you around my son anymore.
159
00:08:50,006 --> 00:08:52,135
- What?
- You heard me.
160
00:08:52,307 --> 00:08:53,473
You will not do to him...
161
00:08:53,645 --> 00:08:56,655
...what you did to me and Charlie.
- What did I do to you?
162
00:08:56,824 --> 00:09:00,203
What did you do? What did she...?
Charlie, tell her.
163
00:09:01,886 --> 00:09:05,062
Why tell her when we can show her?
164
00:09:10,294 --> 00:09:13,720
I see. So you're both
turning against me.
165
00:09:13,892 --> 00:09:16,854
Oh, I turned a long time ago.
166
00:09:17,866 --> 00:09:20,411
Alan's just catching up.
167
00:09:21,170 --> 00:09:24,632
All right, fine.
168
00:09:24,810 --> 00:09:27,487
If I'm not welcome here...
169
00:09:27,654 --> 00:09:28,987
...I'll leave.
170
00:09:34,933 --> 00:09:37,478
My own sons are throwing me out.
171
00:09:41,459 --> 00:09:43,124
Goodbye.
172
00:09:44,387 --> 00:09:46,385
This isn't over, is it?
173
00:09:47,482 --> 00:09:49,612
No, we're screwed.
174
00:09:56,476 --> 00:09:58,558
Let me guess. Mom?
175
00:09:58,735 --> 00:10:01,828
She's been calling all morning.
I'm starting to feel guilty.
176
00:10:01,998 --> 00:10:05,793
You can't show weakness, Alan.
She'll sense it.
177
00:10:05,972 --> 00:10:08,387
Like the hooded cobra senses
the rapid heartbeat...
178
00:10:08,565 --> 00:10:10,278
...of a panic-stricken kangaroo rat.
179
00:10:12,539 --> 00:10:14,752
But don't you feel
even a bit sorry for her?
180
00:10:14,924 --> 00:10:18,137
Does the mongoose feel sorry
for the wounded garden-snake?
181
00:10:19,693 --> 00:10:24,118
Does the dingo feel sorry
for the slow-crawling Australian baby?
182
00:10:26,428 --> 00:10:28,890
- You guys okay?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
183
00:10:29,063 --> 00:10:30,776
We're fine. Why?
184
00:10:30,945 --> 00:10:34,324
Your mother just called me. She said
she's been trying to reach you...
185
00:10:34,501 --> 00:10:36,298
...all morning
and she's very worried.
186
00:10:36,467 --> 00:10:38,596
- We're fine, Rose.
- We're not talking to her.
187
00:10:38,768 --> 00:10:43,110
Why? Because she tried to encourage
Jake to live up to his potential?
188
00:10:43,286 --> 00:10:46,295
That's a reason to throw her out
and slam the door in her face?
189
00:10:47,803 --> 00:10:50,218
How could you be so cruel
to your own mother?
190
00:10:51,945 --> 00:10:55,740
And the dingo has found
another Australian baby.
191
00:10:57,467 --> 00:10:59,346
Rose, that's not what happened.
192
00:10:59,516 --> 00:11:00,896
We were protecting Jake.
193
00:11:01,064 --> 00:11:04,443
How? By ripping his only grandmother
out of his life?
194
00:11:04,620 --> 00:11:08,463
- He has another grandmother.
- Oh, right, the Sacramento pill-freak.
195
00:11:08,677 --> 00:11:10,842
Is that what she told you?
196
00:11:11,020 --> 00:11:13,018
For the record,
Jake's other grandmother...
197
00:11:13,195 --> 00:11:15,241
...is out of rehab and doing just fine.
198
00:11:16,709 --> 00:11:21,099
We appreciate your concern, Rose.
Thanks for stopping by.
199
00:11:21,269 --> 00:11:23,648
So now you're just gonna
slam the door in my face?
200
00:11:23,820 --> 00:11:25,653
Pretty much.
201
00:11:28,506 --> 00:11:30,920
Not as satisfying with a glass door.
202
00:11:31,810 --> 00:11:33,975
Okay, first she starts
with the phone calls...
203
00:11:34,153 --> 00:11:36,485
...then she sent Rose over.
I wonder what's next.
204
00:11:36,663 --> 00:11:39,340
I don't know, but I'm betting
it'll be something big.
205
00:11:43,314 --> 00:11:46,824
Right. I understand, it's terrible.
206
00:11:46,995 --> 00:11:50,171
Okay, let me see
what I can do about it.
207
00:11:50,342 --> 00:11:53,268
How in the hell did your mother
get my cell phone number?
208
00:11:59,001 --> 00:12:00,999
Sometimes,when the nest is threatened...
209
00:12:01,176 --> 00:12:05,852
... the seemingly docile creatures havebeen known to eat their own young.
210
00:12:06,028 --> 00:12:09,204
Hey, did Mom call you
at the office today?
211
00:12:09,375 --> 00:12:10,838
No, she call here?
212
00:12:11,006 --> 00:12:15,682
- No, it's been pretty quiet.
- Yeah, maybe too quiet.
213
00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:18,574
And here we seethe female praying-mantis...
214
00:12:18,745 --> 00:12:22,290
... after copulation,devouring her mate.
215
00:12:22,468 --> 00:12:25,728
Your ex-wife back from her parents'?
216
00:12:25,898 --> 00:12:28,444
Yeah, I dropped Jake off
with her this afternoon.
217
00:12:28,617 --> 00:12:31,247
Apparently her mom had
a little relapse with the pills.
218
00:12:31,420 --> 00:12:33,299
- Oh, yeah?
- They found her in pajamas...
219
00:12:33,470 --> 00:12:37,776
...driving an imaginary car through the
home and garden section of Wal-Mart.
220
00:12:38,197 --> 00:12:40,874
How could they tell
if she was driving an imaginary car?
221
00:12:41,041 --> 00:12:44,254
She rolled down the window
to ask for directions to the pharmacy.
222
00:12:49,617 --> 00:12:52,710
- Here we witness the...
- Not Mom.
223
00:12:53,089 --> 00:12:56,349
Hello? Yeah, this is Charlie Harper.
224
00:12:56,519 --> 00:12:59,398
What? I see.
225
00:12:59,573 --> 00:13:01,405
Okay, then.
Thanks for letting me know.
226
00:13:02,334 --> 00:13:04,666
- Who was that?
- St. John's Hospital.
227
00:13:04,844 --> 00:13:08,769
Our mother checked in this evening with
chest pains and breathing difficulties.
228
00:13:08,943 --> 00:13:11,406
- Oh, my God.
- Ever wonder who was the first guy...
229
00:13:11,578 --> 00:13:14,041
...to put pineapple on pizza?
230
00:13:16,054 --> 00:13:18,219
I bet he was gay.
231
00:13:19,777 --> 00:13:22,026
- Charlie...
- No straight guy is gonna say:
232
00:13:22,204 --> 00:13:25,130
"You know what this pizza could use?
A pineapple ring."
233
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,435
God bless him. It's good.
234
00:13:29,608 --> 00:13:31,106
Charlie, is Mom okay?
235
00:13:31,281 --> 00:13:33,196
Of course she's okay. She's faking.
236
00:13:33,373 --> 00:13:36,466
- How can you be so sure?
- It really doesn't make any difference.
237
00:13:37,765 --> 00:13:40,894
If she is faking and
we rush to see her, she wins.
238
00:13:41,070 --> 00:13:42,984
If she's not faking,
and we ignore her...
239
00:13:43,161 --> 00:13:45,576
...she complains
about what horrible sons we are...
240
00:13:45,755 --> 00:13:47,170
...and she still wins.
241
00:13:47,344 --> 00:13:50,022
What if she's not faking and she dies?
242
00:13:50,942 --> 00:13:53,655
Well, look at you, Mr. Glass Half-Full.
243
00:13:56,213 --> 00:13:58,295
I can't help thinking this is all my fault.
244
00:13:58,472 --> 00:14:01,815
I told Mom she couldn't see
her grandson and she had a heart attack.
245
00:14:01,985 --> 00:14:04,150
Alan, you forget
who you're dealing with.
246
00:14:04,328 --> 00:14:06,957
This woman buried two husbands
and divorced two others.
247
00:14:07,131 --> 00:14:09,260
She's lived through wars,
riots, earthquakes.
248
00:14:09,431 --> 00:14:13,607
Only way you're gonna bring her down
is with a stake dipped in holy water.
249
00:14:15,162 --> 00:14:16,827
Here we are.
250
00:14:20,015 --> 00:14:23,310
Oh, my God. Mommy?
251
00:14:23,487 --> 00:14:24,819
Excuse me?
252
00:14:24,993 --> 00:14:27,038
- Are you family?
- Yeah, we're her sons.
253
00:14:27,210 --> 00:14:29,708
Is she gonna be okay?
Tell me she's gonna be okay.
254
00:14:29,887 --> 00:14:33,100
Your mother's gonna be fine.
I can't find a thing wrong with her.
255
00:14:33,275 --> 00:14:35,072
- Are you sure?
- As sure as I can be.
256
00:14:35,241 --> 00:14:36,906
Her heart's fine. Lungs are fine.
257
00:14:37,082 --> 00:14:39,045
Blood chemistry's good. EEG's normal.
258
00:14:39,215 --> 00:14:42,344
- Oh, thank God.
- That bitch.
259
00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:44,904
Yeah, tell me about it.
260
00:14:46,118 --> 00:14:48,413
Excuse me.
I'm gonna tell her she can go home.
261
00:14:48,586 --> 00:14:51,798
- Oh, no, please, let us.
- Yeah, we owe her that.
262
00:14:51,974 --> 00:14:54,651
Suit yourself.
Oh, better hurry, though.
263
00:14:54,819 --> 00:14:57,364
The nurses are circulating
a"do not revive" petition.
264
00:14:58,834 --> 00:15:02,296
- You said there was nothing wrong.
- It's a big hospital.
265
00:15:02,474 --> 00:15:04,222
Things happen.
266
00:15:06,992 --> 00:15:08,371
What do we do now?
267
00:15:08,539 --> 00:15:11,668
Don't worry. I got a plan.
268
00:15:11,844 --> 00:15:13,557
Oh, great, he has a plan.
269
00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:18,949
Mom?
270
00:15:19,750 --> 00:15:22,546
Charlie? Is that you?
271
00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:24,433
Alan's here too, Mom.
272
00:15:24,603 --> 00:15:28,659
- Hi, Mom.
- Boys, you didn't have to come.
273
00:15:29,539 --> 00:15:31,335
Are you kidding? Of course we did.
274
00:15:31,505 --> 00:15:34,003
- Right, Alan?
- Of course.
275
00:15:34,182 --> 00:15:35,300
Tell us what happened.
276
00:15:36,525 --> 00:15:40,534
I came home this afternoon, alone.
277
00:15:41,461 --> 00:15:44,756
I was walking up the stairs...
278
00:15:45,267 --> 00:15:46,980
...alone.
279
00:15:48,907 --> 00:15:52,036
And I had trouble breathing...
280
00:15:52,839 --> 00:15:56,301
...so I drove myself to the hospital...
281
00:15:57,189 --> 00:15:58,522
...alone.
282
00:16:01,916 --> 00:16:04,962
- Well, why did you drive yourself?
- Oh, I didn't wanna bother...
283
00:16:05,137 --> 00:16:07,386
...the ambulance people.
284
00:16:08,944 --> 00:16:10,027
Why didn't you call us?
285
00:16:11,747 --> 00:16:17,637
Oh, you both made it very clear
how you feel about me.
286
00:16:17,812 --> 00:16:19,311
Now, that's not fair.
287
00:16:19,486 --> 00:16:22,198
Just tell Jake...
288
00:16:22,372 --> 00:16:25,632
...his Grandmommy loves him
very much.
289
00:16:25,802 --> 00:16:27,217
Don't talk like that.
290
00:16:27,392 --> 00:16:30,021
You can tell him yourself,
after the operation.
291
00:16:30,195 --> 00:16:31,610
What operation?
292
00:16:35,967 --> 00:16:39,311
Relax. Relax. Quadruple bypasses
are routine these days.
293
00:16:39,481 --> 00:16:41,110
- Quadruple?
- Yeah, yeah.
294
00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:44,206
You got four clogged arteries.
Right, Alan?
295
00:16:44,375 --> 00:16:47,719
Right, the doctor said it's lucky
you came when you did.
296
00:16:47,889 --> 00:16:51,684
Another few days and you'd have been
flopping around on the floor like a carp.
297
00:16:52,574 --> 00:16:54,954
It's no big deal, Mom.
They crack open you open...
298
00:16:55,126 --> 00:16:58,255
...flush out the pipes, sew you back up
and you're good as new.
299
00:16:58,431 --> 00:17:01,524
Except, you know, for the big,
gnarly scar on your chest.
300
00:17:01,694 --> 00:17:03,323
They're prepping the OR.
301
00:17:03,492 --> 00:17:05,538
We got the best surgeon available.
302
00:17:05,710 --> 00:17:07,042
He's young but really sharp.
303
00:17:07,215 --> 00:17:09,048
And well-respected in his own country.
304
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:17,797
Well, all right.
305
00:17:18,133 --> 00:17:21,845
If it has to be done, it has to be done.
306
00:17:29,930 --> 00:17:31,845
I love you, boys.
307
00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:37,624
If the worst should happen...
308
00:17:38,464 --> 00:17:40,427
...please remember that.
309
00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:44,439
- Yeah. Sure.
- Of course.
310
00:17:44,989 --> 00:17:46,904
Oh, my God, Evelyn
Are you all right?
311
00:17:47,081 --> 00:17:50,792
Oh, Judith, is that you?
312
00:17:51,348 --> 00:17:53,311
Yes, I'm right here. Jake's here too.
313
00:17:53,481 --> 00:17:56,277
Oh, Jake.
Come to Grandmommy, darling.
314
00:17:56,451 --> 00:17:58,081
I'm sorry you feel bad, Grandma.
315
00:17:58,250 --> 00:18:02,556
Oh, Grandmommy's feeling much better
now that her little man is here.
316
00:18:03,270 --> 00:18:08,029
- I made you a get-well card.
- Oh, isn't that nice.
317
00:18:08,206 --> 00:18:09,704
Gift shop wasn't open?
318
00:18:12,975 --> 00:18:16,436
You said you had a plan.
Well, guess what? It was a bad plan.
319
00:18:16,614 --> 00:18:18,779
- Alan, calm down.
- The plan sucked.
320
00:18:19,668 --> 00:18:21,000
- Don't worry.
- Don't worry?
321
00:18:21,174 --> 00:18:24,303
She's expecting a quadruple bypass.
What are we gonna do?
322
00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:26,227
We're gonna get her one.
323
00:18:26,403 --> 00:18:29,162
Must be someone around here
who can handle a rib spreader.
324
00:18:29,331 --> 00:18:31,163
- Charlie, that's insane.
- You're right.
325
00:18:31,339 --> 00:18:33,718
There's no time. Better scrub up.
326
00:18:34,434 --> 00:18:37,778
She had to drive herself to the hospital?
What is wrong with you two?
327
00:18:37,948 --> 00:18:40,625
- Relax, Judith. She's not sick.
- What?
328
00:18:40,793 --> 00:18:43,969
She's faking and we called her bluff,
and then she called ours.
329
00:18:44,139 --> 00:18:46,602
So now, we're gonna
have to cut her open.
330
00:18:47,109 --> 00:18:48,739
You want in?
331
00:18:49,494 --> 00:18:51,623
Hey, guess what?
After Grandma's operation...
332
00:18:51,794 --> 00:18:54,126
...she's gonna take me
to Magic Mountain, okay?
333
00:18:54,304 --> 00:18:57,230
Yeah, yeah, that's okay.
We're gonna have to tell her.
334
00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:59,315
You sure?
We don't need to do the bypass.
335
00:18:59,491 --> 00:19:01,406
All we do is put her out,
slice her open.
336
00:19:01,583 --> 00:19:04,712
- The scar will sell it.
- The truth, Charlie.
337
00:19:07,607 --> 00:19:09,689
Doesn't have to be a big scar.
338
00:19:09,866 --> 00:19:12,578
Okay, doctor, let's schedule
this as quickly as possible.
339
00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:15,381
Oh, great. I'll be here.
340
00:19:15,555 --> 00:19:17,434
Hello, boys.
341
00:19:18,274 --> 00:19:21,367
- What are you doing?
- Lf I'm going to have to have surgery...
342
00:19:21,537 --> 00:19:22,951
...I want my own doctor.
343
00:19:23,126 --> 00:19:25,541
Mom, you don't really need a surgeon.
344
00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:28,218
Oh, but I do.
345
00:19:28,397 --> 00:19:31,192
Your quadruple bypass story
makes the perfect cover...
346
00:19:31,367 --> 00:19:33,164
...for a little nip tuck.
347
00:19:33,333 --> 00:19:35,712
No turkey neck for Grandmommy, right?
348
00:19:37,223 --> 00:19:39,901
About Jake. I told him
I'd take him to Magic Mountain...
349
00:19:40,068 --> 00:19:42,566
...but you know
how I feel about direct sunlight.
350
00:19:43,624 --> 00:19:45,836
Yeah, and wolfbane.
351
00:19:46,635 --> 00:19:48,968
You'll take him for me,
won't you, Charlie?
352
00:19:49,145 --> 00:19:50,942
- Sure, Mom.
- I'll make it up to him...
353
00:19:51,111 --> 00:19:54,657
...by taking him out for a haircut
and some decent clothes.
354
00:19:54,834 --> 00:19:57,678
- He'll like that.
- Sure, Mom.
355
00:19:57,846 --> 00:20:00,345
Maybe when his mother sees
how nice he could look...
356
00:20:00,524 --> 00:20:03,985
...she'll take the hint and stop dressing
him like a tackling dummy.
357
00:20:05,334 --> 00:20:07,915
Oh, the food here is just dreadful.
358
00:20:08,095 --> 00:20:10,260
So why don't you boys
run across the street...
359
00:20:10,438 --> 00:20:11,984
...and get me a nice ahi tuna...
360
00:20:12,153 --> 00:20:14,198
Charlie, what in God's name
are you doing?
361
00:20:16,461 --> 00:20:18,376
Just practicing.
362
00:20:22,903 --> 00:20:24,949
The worker bees, or drones...
363
00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:28,582
... live a life of utter devotionto their queen.
364
00:20:29,053 --> 00:20:31,385
You had a plan.
365
00:20:31,939 --> 00:20:35,115
From birth, these industriousyet mindless creatures...
366
00:20:35,286 --> 00:20:37,867
... slave away to fulfillthe queen 's every need.
367
00:20:38,088 --> 00:20:41,598
"Don't worry, Alan. I have a plan."
368
00:20:43,024 --> 00:20:47,784
Until finally they reach the endof their brief lifespan and die...
369
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:51,089
... becoming food and building materialsfor the rest of the hive.
370
00:20:51,265 --> 00:20:55,357
Alan, where's my sandwich?
371
00:20:56,159 --> 00:20:58,205
Coming, Mom.
372
00:20:59,255 --> 00:21:04,858
A cruel existence? Perhaps.But that's life on the Animal Planet.
373
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:08,061
30117
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