All language subtitles for The Mick S01E03 1080p Amazon WEB-DL DD+ 5.1 x264-TrollHD_track3_[eng]

She's inappropriate,
but in charge.

-She's The Mick.
-Can I have some more ice cream?

Oh! Aaah!

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-That's attractive.
-Why would they--

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*

Oh...

Oh.

Good morning, everybody.

Shh!

Who the hell is this clown?

Hi. I'm Kai.

He's my boyfriend.

Who are you?

Well, I'm...

Mmm.
Mmm.

(Chip groans)

I'm Jimmy.

My goodness.

They are really
going for it, huh?

*

(bed frame banging)
(Sabrina moaning)

SABRINA:
Yeah!

(Sabrina and Kai laughing)

Oh, my God,
are you really allowing this?

What do you want me
to do about it?

Something, it's disgusting.

Just turn the TV up.

Probably tire themselves
out pretty soon.

Nah, I don't know, Mick.

It kind of feels like
it's your department now.

Are you giving me
parenting advice?

Yeah, why are you even here?

ALBA: Yeah, true, you
contribute nothing.

Oh, what the hell are
you guys talking about?

I'm the father figure.

Do you like my turtle?

Uh...

no, not really.

Good job, Dad.

Well, I'm not gonna
lie to the kid.

(furniture crashing upstairs)

Oh, there we go.

Problem solved.

(bed frame banging)
Oh...

Oh, my God!
(Mickey and Ben yelling)

(door opens)

Knock, knock. Can I come in?

Mm-hmm. You could also
actually knock.

Yeah. How's it going?

Everything good?
Yep.

Just chillin'.

Yeah, yeah.

So, Kai, huh?

He seems cool.
Yeah.

What's his deal?
Is he like a...

a fireman or a model
or something?
No.

No, he builds furniture
out of found wood.

(laughing):
Found wood.

Found wood's a thing. Oh.

So, I guess you guys
are having sex, huh?

Oh, God, are we
having the talk?

No, I don't want to
have the talk, at all.

Listen, I just wanted
to let you know that

I totally get it and

you picked a good one,

that guy is a hall
of fame piece of ass.

(chuckling)
Oh, man,

I'd let him do
things to me...

Please stop!
Just stop it.

All right, the point is, uh,

you're a woman with
needs and I get it,

so as long as you're
using condoms, I'm cool.

We're not.

Oh, okay. Well, that's cool.

Your body, your choice.

I am more of a pill person
myself.

Do you have any idea how
poisonous that stuff is?

How is birth control poison,
Sabrina?

It destroys your body
and causes crazy mood swings.

So do babies!

Why do you all of a sudden
care what...

Oh...

I get it.
(laughs)

Get what?

You're jealous.

I'm jealous?

Yeah.
What, of you?

Why would I be jealous of you?

Maybe because I have a beautiful
hunk of beef and you don't.

I got beef.
Who, Jimmy?

That packaged lunch meat?

I'm over here feasting
on filet mignon.

All right, you know what?
I don't want to have

this conversation. I just
don't want you to get

pregnant,
so why don't you just take

some of my pills, until you go
fill a prescription of your own.

(chuckling): You keep your
birth control in a plastic bag?

Well, I buy it in bulk online.

I find it more cost effective.

I don't want them, okay?

Why are you so resistant
to the pill?

It's a modern miracle!

The pill revolutionized
everything for women.

We were able to
join the workforce.

It allowed us to...
You never worked a day

in your life.
(door opening)

But I could if I wanted to,

thanks to this magic
little pill.

Those pills are magic?

Oh, here we go.
Ben, let me ask you something.

If there was a pill that
gave you the freedom

to be anything
in the whole world,

would you take it?
Definitely.

There you go. This kid gets it
and he's, like, three.

Great, then he can take 'em.
How 'bout that?

Okay, come back here.

Come on, Sabrina.

What do you care
what I do with my body?

You're not my mom.

Honey, as far as I'm concerned,

as long as I'm here,
I have two jobs:

make sure nobody dies
or winds up pregnant.

No deaths, no births.

Is what you're doing even legal?

You're 17!

What is he, like 30?

Actually, the age of consent

in Connecticut is 16.

What?

It's cool to have sex
with a 16-year-old

in the state of Connecticut.

Well, not cool like "awesome."

Cool like "acceptable."

Gross, how do
you know that?

I know what I know.

12 in Oaxaca.

MICKEY: Pull your head
out of your ass!

Come on, this is
the kind of mistake

that could ruin your life.

I'm not gonna get pregnant.
(Chip chuckles)

God, I'm so stoked
I'm not a girl.

Babies friggin' suck.
Hey,

it's a two-way street, pal.

Women have trapped men
since the dawn of time

by getting "accidentally"
knocked up.

And you, my friend,
are a prime target.

If I were a chick,
I would take you down.

(groans)

Hey, babe.

Hey.

(both moaning)

(moaning continues)

Um?

Jimmy, can I have a word with
you in the bedroom for a second?

Why?
(moaning continues)

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yep.

Hey, guys.

Kai, can you give us
a little privacy, please?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Thanks.

Babe, do you
need anything?

I'm fine.

Oh, yeah, you are.

Okay. Scooch over.

Here we go.
Whoopsie daisy.
Um...

So, listen,

I was thinking about
our conversation yesterday

and I feel like I came across
kind of naggy.

And I'm really sorry
about that.

Because I get it,
condoms suck.

Remember how I felt about
this conversation before?

Mm-hmm.
Nothing's changed.

All right, well,
just hear me out, okay?

I went down to the free clinic

and I took full advantage
of the "free" part for you.

Turns out, you kids have
all sorts of options these days.

What?
I mean,
are you kidding me?

Look at this.

For instance,

what's this little guy?

(humming)
Cute little silver package.

A ring!

It's like a little
piece of calamari.

That's cool.

I don't know what
you're supposed--

does this go around the...

Oh, no, no. Nope,
you squish it,

and you actually
stick it up your...

(popping noise)
and you are, uh--

you're open for business.

Oh, yeah? Okay, cool, well,

uh, it has the exact same
hormones as the pill

and it causes blood clots.

Okay, try not to be
a pain in the ass,

we have a lot more here.

Now, what is this gizmo?

That's an IUD.

(groaning):
Boy, it's off-putting.

Very long.
Yeah.

Oh, but you know
what I see here?

No chemicals, no hormones.

Looks like we've

got a winner!
Nope.

Open wide.
Don't even...

Yeah, here comes
the airplane.

Come on.
(imitating airplane)
I'm gonna shove it all--

I'm just kidding.
I don't want it!

I won't, you got pants on.
Oh, my God.

That thing is filled
with copper.

Come on, do you have
any other toxins

you want to fill me up with?

Oh, my God, you are
the dumbest smart person

I have ever met in my life.

Fine, you don't want
to use condoms,

I guess I'll have
to be the condom.

Gross, what does that even mean?

It means I will see to it
that you and Kai

never have unprotected sex.

How?
I don't have a job

or any hobbies;
I'll figure something out.

CHIP:
Hey, Mickey.

I need your signature.

(groaning):
Yeah,

I'm not big on paper trails.

What's it for?

Well, I thought about
what Jimmy said

and I'm gonna get a vasectomy.

A vasectomy? What the hell
are you talking about?

Jimmy's right, I got

a big-ass target on my back.
Jimmy!

Think about it: I'm rich,

I'm smart, I look like
a friggin' movie star,

I'm kind,

and I'd make a great dad.

It's only a matter of time

until some gold-digging whore

lures me into her honey trap.

JIMMY: What's up?
Chip here

is thinking about
getting a vasectomy.

Oh, right on. You want me
to drive him or something?

No, I don't, because
he's not getting one.

Hey, this is my body.

I should be able to do whatever
the hell I want with it!

He's got a point.
Nah, don't you--
don't start.

He's not getting his balls
chopped off, Jimmy, okay?

Okay, that's not how it works.

It's actually a pretty simple
procedure.

They clamp it, snip it, seal it.

I've had it done a couple times
and reversed, so...

Okay, he hasn't even
kissed a girl yet.

I've kissed girls, okay?
I kiss-I kiss mad girls!

All right, prove it.

Kiss your hand, show me how

you kiss all these girls.

Okay...

(sighs)

(moaning)

(laughing)

Stop laughing,
it's not funny!

I'm sorry.
What's going on?

Oh, nothing,

we're just, um,
making fun of Chip

'cause he's never kissed a girl.

Ah, don't sweat
it, little man.

I didn't have my first kiss
till the third grade.

Well, I'm 13.

Hmm. Well,

there's nothing to it.

All you got to do is
just close your eyes,

just let the wave
wash over you.

No, no, okay,
all right, all right,

hold on. H-Hey.
Hang on a second. Wait!

Just stop. Stop! Stop it!

I mean...
Stop!

Get out. Good, good.

Good, really good.

Healthy. Healthy as a horse.
(laughing)

Jimmy, a word.

What? Oh.

* Bounce, come on,
bounce, bounce *

* Come on, bounce... *

Oh, my God!

* 'Cause I'm the king
of the castle *

* Na, na, na *
* Turn me on, turn me loose

* Come on, come on *

* Try to hit it,
it's a hassle *

* Come get some of this...

(gasps, groans)

* Play me like Nintendo,
never, ever let go *

* Keep it so loud, you'll be
hittin' the crescendo *

* Do Re Mi Fa Sol La Ti Do *

* Come, baby, come

* Baby, baby, come, come

* Come, baby, come,
baby, baby, come, come *

* When you got
to give me lovin' *

* And you got to give me some

* You got to give me lovin' *

* And you got to give me some *

(Sabrina yelling)

What are you doing?

(coughing):
Oh, come on.

* Then you got to give me some

* You got to give me lovin',
then you got to give me some *

* Come on, come on *

* Come on,
come on *

* Come on, come on *

* Come on,
come on... *

Oh!

(laughing)

(whimpering)

* Well, I can hear the
* Ring, ring, ring *

* The telephone goes ring
(whirring)

* Hello, hello *

* But we're still
gettin' busy. *

Yeah! There we go.

Ooh, stinks in here.

Get a little air flow going.

What are you, insane?

You have nothing better
to do than to stalk me?

You guys just say the word.

Just give 'em to me,
we'll try 'em, you maniac.

Now we're talking.

(sighing)
(whirring)

You kids go nuts.
(groaning)

(yells)

Whoa...

What is the problem, slugger?

All the girls at my
school are stupid trolls!

Oh, well, you were smart
to come to me.

I didn't, you walked
into my room.

Yeah, either way.

Tell me about
these trolls, pal.

(sighs)
They're...

they're not trolls, okay,
they just...

they won't...
(sighs)

Okay, if I tell you,

you have to promise
not to tell anybody.

Yeah, of course.

Mickey's right, I never...

kissed a girl, ever.

Uh-huh.

I tried to do it like Kai,

but they all treated me
like I had friggin' AIDS.

Okay, that's ignorant
and insensitive,

but I get how it feels
to be rejected.

Trust me, uh...

All right, and Kai,

he's so good looking, it's--

I wouldn't mind taking
a run at him myself.

And he is really giving
your aunt and I

a jump-start in the bedroom.

Oh, gross, dude.
Know your audience.

I'm sorry. Look,
all I'm saying is

you got to be
yourself, okay.

Forget Kai and his looks.

You've got things that
he doesn't have, right?

You got to play to those,
play to your strengths.

Right, play to my strengths.

Thank you, Jimmy.
Yeah.

(bed frame banging upstairs)

Ugh. What the heck is
going on up there?

Your sister's getting fu...
rniture... delivered.

Huh?
Pretty cool drawing.

No, it's not.
It's terrible.

And how am I supposed
to make anything good

when you won't stop
breathing down my neck?!

Whoa, Benny, what is
going on with you, bud?

You're so moody these days.

Ms. Mickey? Look, I found
these in Sabrina's trash.

Are you serious?

You have to promise me
you will not let her

get pregnant, okay--
prométame.

I prometa. Okay?

I already raised
Sabrina, Chip, and Ben.

I cannot do another, not with
all the crying and the-

and the no sleeping
and the diapers.
I get it. Hey, hey, yes...

There are just
so many diapers.
I understand, okay.

No, no, no,
you don't understand.

I breastfed all
three of them.

My nipples are like
old chewing gum.

No, no, no, but come on,
good God, that's enough.

I'll figure it out, okay.

I don't want to hear about
your nipples anymore.

Are we cool on that?
Yeah, we're good.
We're good.

Okay, good.
But we got to keep
her from seeing him.

No, that's the classic thing.
If we forbid her to see him,

she's just going
to want him more.

We got to make her
break up with him.

(gasps) Oh!
What?

I'm going to bang
his beautiful brains out.

Oh... yeah.
Oh... yeah.

Mickey, I got
a bad feeling about this.

Sabrina is going to
do the murder to you

if you sleep with Kai.

Yeah, well, she'll
get over it.

I think it should be me who
carries out this despicable act.

Oh, Alba, that is
very generous of you,

but not necessary.

You already do so much
for this family.

Oh, well, I really
don't do a lot,

and I've been slacking off.

Yeah, it's okay.
I-I do this.

Yeah, super thoughtful,
but you know what?

Here's the thing.

Kai's a thoroughbred, right?
And we really need

an experienced jockey
riding that horse.

Yeah, but if I could
just take a...

Back off, Alba, okay?
I'm doing my plan.

KAI (calling out):
Hello? Ma'am?

Just be grateful
you get to listen.

Hello?
Oh, hey, you.

Hey. I got your message.

There's something wrong
with your bed?

Jumping right into it, huh?

I like that.
Want to have a drink first?

Oh, no, I'm okay. You know,
booze and power tools.

All right, I'll take yours.

Oh.

So, um, what seems to be
the problem over here?

Oh, man, she's creaking
like a barn door.

Oh, yeah?
Yep.

Hmm, well, I guess I could
tighten a few screws,

but it looks good to me.

It looks good to me, too.

Yeah, okay. Um, let's see.

Yeah, you know, I'm still not
really hearing anything.

You're not
hearing it? Yeah.

Oh, I think I know
what the problem is.

Normally I'm, huh, on top of it

when I'm hearing the noises,
you know what I mean?

It's, kind of, like...
(grunting)

squeak... squeak...
squeak, squeak.

You hearing it at all?

Yeah, you know,
I'm not hearing it.

Oh, okay. Well, then I guess
let's just start over.

We don't have to overthink it.

Let's go under the bed and we'll
figure out sort of a...
N-No.

I just want to get
out of this here.

You know what, maybe
I should... okay.

Well, hold on.
Hang on a second.
Okay.

I think if we... you just
gave me a second, we could...

Oh!

My goodness, what a launch.

Are you-are you leaving?
Leave. Get out of here.

Get out of my room.
Get out of my room

and do not come back.

I could've
closed the deal.

Not now, Alba, okay?
Not now.

Oh, that bitch, if she wants
to get pregnant, fine, fine.

We're gonna help her
get pregnant.

Hmm?

Hey, Steffi.

Hey, Chip.

So, uh, did you take
that math test?

Oh, my God,
it was so hard.

Right? It's like,
are we in algebra or,

like, the friggin'
space program?

Like, "Earth to algebra,
nobody likes you."

So cool, cool... chill.

Um, well, I just, like,
think you're really,

really pretty and,
like, super cool,

and I like hanging out
with you and stuff.

And, like, you're super
friggin' chill and, like,

all that good stuff.

Chip, you don't have
to be so nervous.

You can just ask.

Okay. Whew.

Well, I was just
wondering if...

I-I could pay you $500
to make out with me?
What?

Um, you're better
than that. $1,000.

Oh!
You jerk.

(Sabrina retching)

Damn, Alba, how much ipecac
did you put in that smoothie?

I'm just trying to
fake morning sickness,

not blow her guts out.

I'm sorry I'm not the expert
drugger like you.

No, you're not. You guys are
lucky to have me here.

Look what I got online,
a bunch of fake pregnancy tests.

I replaced them with all
the ones under Poodle's sink.

You hand a guy
something like this,

he just starts throwing cash
at you, no questions asked.

I like to call it
the $600 shuffle.

Yeah, now I just
feel depressed.

What are you two doing?

Oh, us? Nothing.
We're... we're just,

you know,
we're hanging out.
Yeah.

No, you're acting weird.

No, we are not.

We are acting as
regular as can be.

Mm-hmm.
Yeah.

Yes, you are,
and I know why.

You don't want to tell me
that you hate my drawing.

You think I don't have
control of the marker,

and this whole art thing
is a waste of my time.

Well, you don't have to tell me
because I already know.

Whoa, what a dick.

What's wrong with him?

I don't know.
What's wrong with you?

You look horrible.
Oh, yeah.

Well, I've been sick all day.
I don't know.

I think I got to stop drinking
on school nights, you know?

Or maybe you have
a baby inside you.
Oh, okay.

Well, that's not possible

'cause she's using
condoms, right?

Right. Yeah, of course.
Yeah, I'm just saying,

maybe you want to take
one of the pregnancy tests

in Poodle's bathroom, you know,
just to be sure.

She's got a good point.
It couldn't hurt.

Well, I-I mean, I don't...

(gagging)

Oh, uh-oh.

Oh, no.
Get it out.

Oh, no, no. Eh.

(door slams)

She's a tiny person.

Just a little drip,
you know what I mean?
(Sabrina retching)

(groaning)

Hey, buddy,
I'm glad you called.

I called Mickey.
Yeah, well, I'm here.

What's the problem?
You're the problem.

I-I did what you said.
I played to my strengths,

and Steffi booted
my nuts into my throat.

Yeah. Well, don't worry,
they'll drop back down.

I frigging hate girls.
Hey, come on.

You're a young man.
This is just beginning.

All right?
And to tell you the truth,

I miss the days girls were
blasting me in the junk.

Are you the father?

Uh... I am today.

Well, his scans
look okay.

Hopefully the pain
and swelling will subside

in the next few days,
but if not,

that could mean something more
serious, maybe even infertility.

What does-what does that mean?

Well, his...
I...

I think it means
you got your wish.

Congrats on your first
vasectomy.

Oh...

And the more that I think about
it, it's not the worst thing

I can't have kids--
I can always adopt.

I would not wish
that on any

abandoned child
in the world.

Psst, Mickey.
She's coming.

Yeah?
She's coming,
she's coming.

Okay, okay. Shh.
Keep a straight face, okay.

All right, play it cool.
We're going to make her look

like a real scumbag.

She is going to freak.
Yeah.

Hi, everybody.
Hey.

Uh, so, Kai and I,
we have some news.

What? What is this news?
I don't know what it could be.

Okay, what is
the news?

I don't really know how to
say this, so I'm just gonna...

put it out there.
MICKEY: Go for it.

I'm pregnant.

(gasps)

There we go.
The first dilution

of the Pemberton
bloodline.

Well, this is shocking.

I had zero ideas
about this.

Who would ever know this
to be true? Shame, shame.

As you can see,
we are shocked, okay,

and you are a moron,
Sabrina.

How could you do this? I told
you this was going to happen.

You were right.
I'm a big stupid idiot.

My whole life is ruined.

(Sabrina sobbing)

What did you do to our
little girl, you son of...?

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Stop it. No, no, no.

It's a... Sorry.
You guys, I'm sorry.

This is a big
misunderstanding.

Ma'am, ma'am, with all
due respect, I got this.

Babe, babe, look at me, okay.
Listen to me, I love you.

And we're gonna
have a baby.

Yeah, well, that's the thing...
Ma'am!

How cool is that? Hmm?

I get to build him a crib
and a rocking horse,

and a whole friggin' house
to put it all in.

I mean...

you know what?

Screw it.

What the hell is happening?
Ma'am!

Sabrina Pemberton,

I love you.
Mm...

Will you marry me, baby?

Yes, I will marry you.

Okay, great. Yeah, that's
the thing I was gonna say

is that she's not pregnant.

That's good.
What?

She's not pregnant.
You're not pregnant.

What do you mean?
Alba and I...

Well...

We wanted to teach you
a lesson, you know? So we...

So I-I hope you learned.

I can't... It's gone
off the rails a bit.

I'm not really sure...

Okay. Well, thank you.

Yes, you're welcome.

Wait, for what?

Well, if you didn't do that,
I never would've found out

what an amazing man Kai is.

Oh, my God, do you still
want to marry me?

What?
More than anything.

No.
No baby, fake baby.

Yeah, that's
the same thing, though.

You hear that?
It's kind of the same thing.

* Sabrina's getting married

Wait...

Sabrina's getting married?

Okay, what the hell's
going on with this one?

Huh? I'm happy

and sad...

and mad.

Come on, Ben, what's
going on with you, buddy?

I'm just a big, fat,
no-talent loser.

Even your magic pills
couldn't help.

What magic pills?
The ones in your purse.

I filled it with other pills
so I wouldn't get in trouble.

Are you talking about
my birth control?
Mm-mm.

That's not good, because Jimmy
and I have been... a lot.

Uh...
I'm gonna be a dad.

No, no, no.
I'm gonna be a da...

MICKEY: Shove it all...
I'm just kidding.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

Now that you've gotten
to know The Mick,

here are a few more shows
to check out
from Fox.

(beeping)

Nicole.
Get to the attic.

No matter what you hear,
don't make a sound.

(breathing quietly)

(Nicole breathing shakily)

-(phone rings)
-Carter?

-They're here.
-My God.

ANNOUNCER: 24: Legacy.

After the Super Bowl, on Fox.