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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,960
Shafi growls
Whoa! It's me.
2
00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:05,480
Abs.
This is my...
3
00:00:05,480 --> 00:00:06,960
She chuckles nervously
..Girlfriend.
4
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:08,800
Oh!
Kathy.
5
00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,960
Ain't no boyfriend-girlfriend things
In islam, bro.
6
00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:13,640
That's your fiancee.
Oh.
7
00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:15,960
Muffled: so, er...
So, when's the nikah gonna be?
8
00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:17,960
Hey, my dad, he's got a sick deal
On a venue, you know?
9
00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:19,960
That venue's a room
Above a chicken shop, bruv.
10
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:21,000
Hang on, shafi.
11
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,960
Ain't she that lady that's been
Hanging round the mosque?
12
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:24,960
Erm... Yeah.
13
00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:29,800
I was just, er, looking
For single, sexy muslim boys.
14
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,960
So you ended up with a brother
That never goes mosque?
15
00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:33,960
We'd love to stay and chat, right?
16
00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:34,960
And...
But there's a wedding to plan.
17
00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:36,960
Yeah.
So we're gonna, er...
18
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:38,320
They chuckle
19
00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:41,960
Abs, no dipping your kebab
Before marriage, you get me?
20
00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:43,960
I think I've got that, brother.
21
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:45,960
He chuckles
Hey...
22
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:48,960
And don't lick it neither!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
23
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:56,960
Fancy a drink... Fiance?
24
00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:59,000
A drink?! I just saved your life!
25
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:01,960
You owe me some answers!
Oh, about what?
26
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:05,960
He groans
This vampirism malarkey!
27
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:08,960
I mean, is it a curse,
Like in underworld?
28
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:10,960
Or more of a disease,
Like in I am legend?
29
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:13,960
Can I go out in the sun,
Like in twilight,
30
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:15,160
With all the glittery shit,
31
00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:17,320
Or will I burn up,
Like interview with the vampire?
32
00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:21,960
She groans
Can I be killed with silver
33
00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:24,320
Or is it just a stake
Through the heart like in buffy?
34
00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:26,960
Good lord, abdulla!
A muslim, of all people,
35
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:29,960
Should know you can't learn anything
About community from the media!
36
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:34,960
I mean, vampires can be ethical,
Productive members of society.
37
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:36,960
Coming from a part-time dominatrix
Who lives in a council flat?
38
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:39,960
What, you got a problem
With a disabled person
39
00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:41,960
Trying to make her way
In a tory britain?
40
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:44,480
You didn't seem very disabled
When you were assaulting me earlier.
41
00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:46,960
Tell me. Tell me how
I'm supposed to get a job
42
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:48,960
With a raging sunlight allergy?
43
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:50,960
He groans
44
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,640
How are vampires meant to get by?
45
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:55,960
Knock on door
46
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,960
Man: mistress kathy! Are you in?
47
00:01:57,960 --> 00:01:59,960
Knocking
48
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:01,960
Sorry, love. A girl's gotta work.
49
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:03,960
No, no, no, no. No, no, no.
We're not done here!
50
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:07,960
The chastity belt you got me
Has broken and... I can't pee.
51
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:09,960
Why is it my problem?
52
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:11,960
Because you're my maker.
53
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:13,960
Doesn't that mean we're connected,
Like in true blood?
54
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:16,960
Oh, my god, it's always
The bloody movies with you!
55
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:18,960
Look, just because I bit you,
It doesn't mean I owe you anything.
56
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:21,800
I mean, at least
Not in an official capacity.
57
00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:22,960
Well, what does that mean?
58
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,160
A bite has one percent chance
Of turning you,
59
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:27,960
And even then could...
Knock on door
60
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,800
Ugh! Can you just go?
No, no, no, no.
61
00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:31,960
At least tell me
Why you wanna kill me so badly!
62
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:33,960
Please, mistress! I'm ready to pop!
63
00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:37,960
Are you working tomorrow?
Yeah.
64
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:40,960
Let me into the blood bank,
And then we'll talk.
65
00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:43,160
Agreed. Ok.
66
00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:44,960
Knocking
Now go...
67
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:46,960
Out.
68
00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:50,960
Dr khan?
69
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:52,960
Dr eversley.
70
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:54,320
She groans
71
00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:59,480
She sighs
In the corner.
72
00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:05,960
Animal calls
73
00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:22,960
Oh! God!
74
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,960
What's this,
The islamic father karras
75
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:29,960
And father merrin reunited
For the exorcist part ii?
76
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:30,960
Don't be silly, abdulla.
77
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:34,960
Shafi here was just telling me
About your new fiancee.
78
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:36,960
You told my mum?
Why wouldn't I?
79
00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:37,960
You deserve some cred
80
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:39,960
For getting a kafir like khadija
To revert to islam.
81
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:41,960
Khadija?! You mean kathy?
82
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:45,160
You can't marry a non-muslim, bruv.
So it's khadija, or no nikah...
83
00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:46,960
But she's not muslim.
84
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,960
She came here last night herself
To tell me that she's converting.
85
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:50,960
Er, reverting.
86
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,960
Wait, she came here?
Oh, my god, are you ok?
87
00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:56,960
Well, between the shock of hearing
How my son is engaged
88
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:59,960
To a white woman
15 years his senior and...
89
00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:02,000
Everything else,
I think quite well, considering.
90
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:03,960
I'm sorry I didn't tell you, mum.
It's just...
91
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,480
I know you wanted your space,
Abdulla.
92
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:09,160
But this whole conversion,
Reversion business...
93
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:11,960
Does she know
What she's getting herself into?
94
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:12,960
It's not a simple thing.
95
00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:14,960
Yeah, that's why
I wanted to come over, innit?
96
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:16,960
Cos most of these old school imams,
97
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,960
They don't know nothing
About no inter-faith,
98
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:21,960
Inter-cultural relationships,
But your boy shafi
99
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,960
Has been linking latinas since gcse,
Big man.
100
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:25,960
Get to the point, shafi.
101
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,960
Islamic. Sex. Therapy.
102
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:30,960
I know a guy who handles everything,
Right down to the lovemaking.
103
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:32,960
An islamic marriage counsellor.
104
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:34,960
That's right,
The best guy in west london as well.
105
00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:35,960
For a little harami like abs,
106
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:37,960
He'll probably do it free of charge,
Inshallah.
107
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:40,960
Coming from hounslow's most prolific
Sender of unsolicited dick pics?
108
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,960
Er, abdulla, don't be rude.
109
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:43,960
Rude?!
110
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:45,960
It might be helpful
For you to speak with him.
111
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:47,960
God knows I could have used one
When I was...
112
00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:49,960
Yeah, so I'll bring him
On friday then, yeah?
113
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:50,960
Mum, you can't be serious?
114
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:53,960
Abdulla, I am happy to give you
The space that you need,
115
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,800
But I will not let you
116
00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:57,960
Make the same mistakes
That I did, either.
117
00:04:57,960 --> 00:04:59,960
Shafi, it's only an hour, right?
Yeah.
118
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:03,480
I think this'll be a good thing
For you and... Kathy.
119
00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:05,960
You know what? He could probably
Help you as well, auntie.
120
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,960
D'you know he does a whole workshop
On why catfish is haram...
121
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:09,960
Khuda hafiz, shafi!
Thank you for coming.
122
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:11,960
Khuda hafiz. Friday, yeah?
123
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:14,960
Catfish?
124
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:16,960
Fish without scales.
125
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,480
Or is that makruh?
She laughs uncomfortably
126
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:33,000
I was gonna tell you.
127
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,960
I know, abdulla.
I know, it's just...
128
00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:38,960
She sighs
129
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:42,960
Living this double life,
130
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:45,960
Meeting older women in secret,
131
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,960
Making huge life decisions
Without consulting me?
132
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:50,960
How do I know you're safe?
133
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:52,960
I can take care of myself, mum.
I know.
134
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:55,960
But I need to be sure.
135
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:03,960
This is a hamsa, the hand of fatima.
136
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:06,960
It's said to protect you
Against the evil eye.
137
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:09,960
Thanks, mum, but I...
It was your dad's once.
138
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:14,960
Smoke fizzes
139
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:16,640
He whines
140
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:19,960
Do they maybe have it in gold?
141
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:21,960
Muslim men don't wear gold.
142
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,960
I want you to hold onto it. For me.
143
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,960
Smoke fizzes
Fine.
144
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:31,960
Fine. Thank you.
145
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:42,000
Thank you.
146
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,960
You know, I mean,
I just shook shafi's hand, mum.
147
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:46,800
Who knows where that's been, hey?
148
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:53,960
Spooky music
149
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:05,960
This must be what it feels like
150
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:08,960
For non-vampires
Waiting for maccy d's to open.
151
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:11,960
He clears throat
152
00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:35,160
Well, I can't think of
A more romantic first date
153
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:37,960
With my new... Fiance.
154
00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:44,960
She groans happily
155
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:47,960
Ugh! Fuck me, that's disgusting!
156
00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:52,960
Ugh!
157
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:54,960
Yeah, there's, er...
158
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:57,960
..Hints of heavy alcohol abuse...
159
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:01,960
..Shades of hard drugs, and...
160
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:03,960
A hell of a lot of sweaty sex.
161
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:05,960
I mean, that may as well be
Keith richards' blood.
162
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:08,960
A very acquired taste. Mm.
163
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:11,960
Here, try some of this, er,
Sweet ab positive.
164
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:13,960
Tastes like a teetotal nun.
165
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:16,320
Not that dissimilar
From your mate, majid.
166
00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:17,960
No!
167
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:20,800
Why do we need this stuff,
Anyway?
168
00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:23,960
Blood's like a, er...
A good curry for an indian.
169
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,960
A kebab for an arab.
A kung pao for...
170
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:27,960
Kathy, please. Stop.
171
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:29,960
Mm.
172
00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:31,960
Whispers: ooh, yeah.
She giggles
173
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,160
I mean, those iron pills will help,
174
00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:37,800
But they're no substitute
For the real deal.
175
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:39,320
You go without this stuff
For a couple of hours,
176
00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:41,960
You'll feel like you've had
The worst hangover you've ever had.
177
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:42,960
I remember.
178
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,960
Ok, so, why can't I eat garlic?
179
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:46,960
Why can't I touch silver?
180
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,960
She scoffs
Allergies, I guess.
181
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:50,160
Ok, and what about sunlight?
182
00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:52,960
Just think of your skin
As that of a...
183
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:53,960
A particularly vulnerable ginger.
184
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:56,640
Stay in the sun too long
185
00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:58,960
And you'll wrinkle up
Like a pensioner in benidorm.
186
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:00,320
If you really need
To go out in the daylight,
187
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:02,960
Factor 50 works a treat.
188
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:03,960
Can I, erm...
189
00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:06,960
..Glamour people?
190
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:08,960
What, like a glamour model?
191
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,320
Sorry, love, you ain't got the tits.
192
00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:11,960
No, no, no, no, no.
193
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:14,960
I mean, like, er...
Hypnotising people,
194
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:15,960
Controlling them?
195
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:18,960
Why is it always about getting laid
With you blokes?
196
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:20,640
No.
197
00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:22,480
Fine! Worth a try.
198
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:25,960
Ok, how about churches?
Er, holy water. That dry wafer...
199
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:27,960
Abs, you all right in there?
200
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:28,960
What the fuck?
201
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:31,480
Amrita? Hi!
202
00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:35,480
Er, kathy was just interested
In giving blood.
203
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:36,960
Weren't you, kathy?
She chuckles
204
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:39,960
You know, I'm fine
With your chosen profession.
205
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:41,960
But taking blood supplies
For your dominatrix business,
206
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,000
It's taking the piss,
Don't you think?
207
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:48,960
Ooh...
208
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:51,960
Ciao for now.
209
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:54,960
Yeah.
210
00:09:57,960 --> 00:09:59,960
Isn't she amazing?
211
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:01,800
No.
212
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:03,960
Kathy!
213
00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:07,160
No, no, no, no, no. Wait, kathy!
214
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:08,960
We've barely scratched the surface.
215
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:12,960
Explain to me why I'm meant to be
Your private vampire tutor?
216
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,960
Erm... Because I saved your life.
217
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:16,960
I'm already dead, abdulla.
218
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,960
Ok, er... What do you do for fun?
219
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:21,000
Fun? What d'you mean "Fun"?
220
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,960
Surely there's more to life
Than attacking innocent muslims
221
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:26,960
And fixing middle-aged punters'
Chastity belts?
222
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,960
What do you do when you wanna...
Cut loose?
223
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,800
Well, er...
224
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:33,000
Ever since the government
Cut our benefits,
225
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:34,960
There's not really much else to do
But, er....
226
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:37,960
Work, drink, sleep, repeat.
She chuckles
227
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:38,960
But there is this, er...
228
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:43,960
This one place, in chelsea,
That serves people like us.
229
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,960
Cafe sanguine.
230
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:47,960
Yeah, I think
That's what it's called.
231
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:49,960
I mean, it's... It's very expensive.
232
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,960
She chuckles
233
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,960
But, er, anyway!
We're... We're done here.
234
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:56,960
No, no, no, no, no!
Let me take you there.
235
00:10:57,960 --> 00:10:59,000
One last conversation,
236
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:01,000
And you never have to
Hear from me again.
237
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:04,960
I'll even give you the code
To the blood bank.
238
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,960
Fine! When's your next night off?
239
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,960
Er... Friday night.
Fabulous, darling.
240
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:12,960
And remember,
I split bones, not bills.
241
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:27,960
Abs, what exactly is going on?
242
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:28,960
What do you mean?
243
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:31,960
Like, I know you've had
Your confidence issues,
244
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:33,960
But I didn't expect you
To end up with a dominatrix.
245
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,800
We're just dating.
246
00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:37,960
You know you don't have to
Just settle, right?
247
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:39,960
There are lots of girls
Who'd be lucky to have you.
248
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:43,960
I'm just saying that
If you have any issues,
249
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:44,960
You can always come to me.
250
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,960
Well, I'm a big boy.
I can handle myself.
251
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,960
I know, but...
252
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,960
This is your first relationship,
Isn't it?
253
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,960
And... It doesn't look like
It's hers.
254
00:11:56,960 --> 00:12:00,160
My door's always open. Anytime. Ok?
255
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:02,960
I'll see you later.
256
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,960
When's kathy gonna be here?
For what?
257
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:20,960
For the marriage counselling, silly.
258
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,960
Shafi's guy's gonna be here
Any minute now.
259
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:25,960
Mum, I'm not...
Knock on door
260
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:27,960
I'll be out of the house.
261
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:30,960
So feel free
To speak about your feelings, ok?
262
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,960
And remember,
It's better to be open
263
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,640
About bedroom problems early on,
Believe me.
264
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:37,960
Ugh! Mum!
265
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,960
As-salamu alaikum.
266
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:42,960
As-salamu alaikum
Warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.
267
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:45,960
Both: shafi?!
268
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:47,000
What's the problem?
269
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,960
Are you afraid to get sensitive
270
00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:50,800
With the world's first
Islamotherapist?
271
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:52,960
I thought you actually knew somebody
Who could help us!
272
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:54,000
And I do.
273
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:55,960
Me!
274
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:56,960
Oh, come on,
Name me one other imam
275
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,960
As schooled in islamic theology
As he is in how to climax a woman?
276
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,640
Oh, good grief.
Yeah, that's right.
277
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:02,960
She sighs
278
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:05,960
Now, where's khadija at?
We got a lot to cover.
279
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:06,960
Shafi, we know you.
280
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,320
Are you really the best person
To speak on this?
281
00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:10,960
Course I am, auntie.
282
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:12,960
In fact, my past life
Is exactly what helps me connect
283
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,960
To the wayward islamic youth.
284
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:16,480
I'm not spending the next hour
285
00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:19,480
Listening to you trying to justify
Your internet search history
286
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:20,960
Through half-baked theology.
287
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:22,960
Half-baked?!
288
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:24,960
This is all backed up
With years of islamic book study!
289
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:26,000
Ha, yeah (!)
290
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,960
Brazzers doesn't count
As islamic book study, shafi.
291
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:30,960
Just listen to me
For, like, one hour.
292
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:32,160
What's wrong with you?
293
00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:33,960
It's not like
You've got somewhere else to be.
294
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:35,960
I do, actually. Er...
295
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,000
Kathy and I have a date
At cafe sanguine.
296
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:40,960
A date?! Astaghfirullah.
297
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:42,960
This is exactly
Why you need to listen to me.
298
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:46,000
Dating is not halal
Unless you're bringing a chaperone.
299
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,960
Just text her to come!
300
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:48,960
He sucks teeth
301
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:51,640
Is there really
No-one else who can help?
302
00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:52,960
Why not...
Abdulla.
303
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:54,160
Door closes
Abdulla!
304
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:55,960
You said that you'd be here.
305
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,960
I got all dressed up,
306
00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,160
Put on a keffiyeh
And everything, brev.
307
00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:00,960
He sucks teeth
308
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:04,960
Orchestral music,
Chatter
309
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:06,640
Laughter
310
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:11,160
Chatter
311
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:18,000
Woman: yes! Yes! Yes!
312
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:19,960
Woman laughs
313
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,960
He clears throat
314
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,960
Hello, hi.
A table for two, please?
315
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:33,640
We typically serve your kind
With a pinch of lemon.
316
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:37,960
Yeah? No, no.
I-I'm one of you. I'm with...
317
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,800
He's with me, xavier.
318
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:44,320
Katherine margot.
319
00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:47,960
I thought we'd finally managed
To price you out of this place.
320
00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:51,960
Yeah, well, you could say I've found
Myself a new blood sugar daddy.
321
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,960
Now, please?
322
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:04,320
Orchestral music builds
323
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:13,800
Gasping
324
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,960
Erm...
325
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:29,640
Just, er... Let's sit.
326
00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:30,960
What you doing? What's wrong?
327
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:32,960
Sit down, sit.
Ok. All right.
328
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:35,960
Are you ok?
329
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:37,160
Oh...
330
00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:39,320
I fucking hate them all.
331
00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:41,960
Vampires?
No. Toffs.
332
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:43,800
Oh.
333
00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:46,000
So, they're all like that, then?
334
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,960
Yeah, well, that's the thing
From being around for centuries.
335
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:51,960
The money and power
Can really get to one's head.
336
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:54,960
So we really are immortal?
337
00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:57,960
Not as fun as it looks, eh?
338
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,960
Kathy...
339
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,960
I've been meaning
To ask you something.
340
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:06,480
Yeah?
341
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:09,960
Is there a... ?
What's abdulla doing here?
342
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,960
Shafi, what the fuck?
343
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:14,960
I'm killing two birds
With one stone, baby girl.
344
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,960
I'm treating my beautiful nahima,
My wonderful fiancee,
345
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,960
Out to a lovely dinner.
346
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:21,960
And I'm also making sure
That my dickless cousin
347
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:22,960
Doesn't get up to any haram.
348
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:24,960
A double date
Isn't exactly halal, shafi.
349
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,960
Nor is it romantic! We should go.
350
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:28,960
Haven't we met before, darling?
351
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,960
No, no, no, no.
This isn't a social, kathy.
352
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:32,960
Xavier: anything to drink,
Ladies and gents?
353
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,960
I'll take a bloody mary, please.
354
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:36,000
Extra bloody,
If you know what I mean?
355
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,960
Er, sorry, this is a muslim table.
No alcohol, please.
356
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:42,000
A bloody mary is a mocktail.
It contains vodka, sir.
357
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,960
He chuckles nervously
Yes. Non-alcoholic vodka.
358
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,960
Yeah...
But what about the blood, bruv?
359
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:47,960
Blood is not halal.
360
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,960
A bloody mary doesn't have
Any blood in it, you idiot.
361
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:52,960
It's just tomato juice
And a chilli sauce.
362
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,960
You might as well call it
A "Bloody maryam".
363
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:58,960
Actually, sir...
Shut up, ok? Thank you so much.
364
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:00,960
Coke, anybody? Coke?
365
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,960
Yeah.
Coke, thank you.
366
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:07,800
Mm, I must say, my darling,
You smell wonderful.
367
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:09,960
Both chuckle
368
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:12,960
Yeah, you've got me to thank
For that, khadija, still.
369
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,960
I got a sick deal on oudh from
This lebanese guy on edgware road.
370
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:17,960
It's kathy.
371
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,960
Abs, have you not told her
She needs a muslim name yet?
372
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:22,960
Kathy can decide for herself
What name she wants to use, shafi.
373
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:24,480
Kathy, we need to chat.
374
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:26,960
Nahima, is it?
Yeah.
375
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:30,320
Tell me, how does a dominant queen
Like yourself
376
00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:32,960
End up with a prick like that?
Abdulla chuckles
377
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:36,960
Well, let's just say
The collective quality
378
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:40,800
Of single muslim men
Isn't exactly the highest.
379
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:41,960
Oh...
380
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,320
Babes...
But..
381
00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:45,960
But even with his rough edges,
382
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:47,960
He's still
One of the few people out there
383
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:49,960
Making our faith more accessible.
384
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:51,960
Mm.
I like that in a guy.
385
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:52,960
That's right.
386
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:53,960
How about you?
387
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:57,960
Er, let's just say abdulla's
The first pull I've regretted
388
00:17:57,960 --> 00:17:59,960
After not drinking enough.
389
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:01,960
He laughs
390
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:04,960
Kathy, we...
We came here for a reason...
391
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,960
How about you and I
Ditch these losers
392
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:09,960
And find ourselves a ladies night...
I really need to know.
393
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:10,960
Is there a cure?!
394
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:13,960
Why don't you just stick your cock
In a pig and see how that goes?!
395
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,000
Shafi gasps
396
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:19,960
Abs! You can't let your woman
Talk to you like this!
397
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:21,800
She's not "His", shafi.
398
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:24,000
And for the millionth time,
She can say whatever she likes.
399
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:26,960
Baby, did you hear that?
You'll never learn, will you?
400
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:28,960
How is this my fault?!
You're being ridiculous, shafi.
401
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,960
Are you serious? Brev!
Oh, don't go.
402
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,320
Baby, come on!
Thank fuck they're gone.
403
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:33,960
You got the bill, love?
Yes. Wait, but...
404
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:35,960
No, kathy, we're not...
We're not done here!
405
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:38,800
Ugh... Move.
406
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,960
He hisses
407
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:45,960
Sorry.
408
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:50,960
Kathy!
409
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,960
Kathy!
410
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:02,960
Kathy, we weren't done in there.
Shh...
411
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,960
Baby, I can change.
I've even stopped critiquing
412
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,960
How girls wear their hijabs
On instagram.
413
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,320
It's not just about that, shafi!
414
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:09,960
It's your attitudes, your misogyny.
415
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,960
Misogyny?! I've even stopped
Using your conditioner on my beard.
416
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:14,000
What do you want from me?!
Fuck off, shafi!
417
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,960
You're not gonna... ?
Just watch and learn, yeah?
418
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:18,960
Just fuck off, shafi, ok?
I'm trying...
419
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:20,960
We're done!
Calm, say nothing. I'm out.
420
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,960
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Kathy, you don't mean kill her?
421
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:26,960
I don't wanna "Kill her" kill her.
I just want a little taste.
422
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,960
Just look at her, she's so pure.
423
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:29,960
No. You can't.
424
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,960
Oh, yes, I fucking can.
425
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:33,960
No, you can't!
426
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:35,960
She groans
What's wrong with you?
427
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:38,960
Great, she's fucking gone!
428
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,960
They groan
429
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:45,960
A little bitch like you
Has no business being a vampire!
430
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:48,480
Yeah, well, maybe you should have
Thought about that
431
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,960
Before you turned me into one,
Maker!
432
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:54,480
Oh, abdulla, abdulla.
433
00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:57,160
There's more than that
To being a vampire.
434
00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:59,960
If I don't mark you as my progeny,
435
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:03,480
You're little more than a human with
A serious case of vampire virus.
436
00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:04,960
You're my maker. You have to!
437
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:06,960
We can only make one. And you!
438
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:08,960
You were a fucking mistake!
439
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,320
She grunts
440
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,960
It's better if I do it, honestly.
441
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:14,960
The other vampires in the coven,
442
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:17,960
Well, they're the ukip-voting bunch,
If you know what I mean?
443
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:19,960
They'll come for you
And everyone you love.
444
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:21,960
You promised you'd help me.
445
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,800
Yeah, well, then you decided
To go all gandhi on me, so...
446
00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:26,960
She groans
447
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,960
She shrieks, sizzling
448
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:30,960
Silver?!
449
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:34,960
He growls
450
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:37,960
Yeah. Muslim men don't wear gold.
451
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:41,000
Even got a little catchphrase now,
You fuck.
452
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:42,960
She grunts
453
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:54,960
Amrita?
454
00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:58,960
Amrita, are you there?
455
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:00,800
I need to tell you the truth, ok?
456
00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:02,480
Kathy's not my fiancee.
457
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:04,960
She's not my girlfriend, ok?
She's a...
458
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:07,800
I'm a, er...
459
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:11,960
I'm a vampire.
460
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:12,960
He groans
461
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:19,960
Amrita, you're not getting...
462
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:21,960
Married?
463
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:23,960
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