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1
00:00:02,228 --> 00:00:05,756
Welcome to the diner ATM
ribbon cutting ceremony.
2
00:00:09,327 --> 00:00:12,353
Everyone knows he's holding
normal size scissors, right?
3
00:00:13,825 --> 00:00:17,108
Han's just excited there's something
in the diner same size as him.
4
00:00:18,808 --> 00:00:23,603
Uh, this is just another waste of
time. Like when you opened the diner.
5
00:00:23,605 --> 00:00:28,108
This machine is now open for business!
6
00:00:31,045 --> 00:00:32,546
After you're done with those,
7
00:00:32,548 --> 00:00:36,917
I need to do a little
manscaping on my love mound.
8
00:00:36,919 --> 00:00:40,387
And after you're done with
that, you can throw them away.
9
00:00:40,389 --> 00:00:44,791
Hey, everybody!
10
00:00:44,793 --> 00:00:46,559
What's that yellow tape?
11
00:00:46,561 --> 00:00:48,528
Did someone die again?
12
00:00:48,530 --> 00:00:51,197
No, Sophie, we got an ATM.
13
00:00:51,199 --> 00:00:55,602
I thought we already had an
ATM. "Asian transgender male."
14
00:00:55,604 --> 00:00:59,873
Well, thank you for saying "male."
15
00:00:59,875 --> 00:01:01,374
Well, move outta the way!
16
00:01:01,376 --> 00:01:04,077
This broad's gotta do some bankin'!
17
00:01:04,079 --> 00:01:06,146
Be careful, you're the very first.
18
00:01:06,148 --> 00:01:10,517
We know how long you've been
waiting to say that to a woman.
19
00:01:18,312 --> 00:01:20,901
Synced and corrected by backinblack
www.addic7ed.com
20
00:01:27,541 --> 00:01:29,008
Okay.
21
00:01:29,010 --> 00:01:31,310
No sign of Deke, the
cops, or nosy white folk.
22
00:01:31,312 --> 00:01:32,411
Let's break in.
23
00:01:32,413 --> 00:01:34,113
I don't understand
24
00:01:34,115 --> 00:01:36,616
Why we're breaking into
your boyfriend's dumpster.
25
00:01:36,618 --> 00:01:40,553
The only thing I understand
less is how you pee standing up.
26
00:01:40,555 --> 00:01:43,322
Why? How do you pee?
27
00:01:43,324 --> 00:01:44,990
I am breaking up with
Deke, so now's the part
28
00:01:44,992 --> 00:01:47,359
of the relationship
where I sneak in his place
29
00:01:47,361 --> 00:01:48,861
and get my stuff out
30
00:01:48,863 --> 00:01:50,529
to avoid telling him
I'm breaking up with him.
31
00:01:50,531 --> 00:01:54,099
Well, you just cut an hour
out of every romantic comedy.
32
00:01:54,101 --> 00:01:56,202
You're welcome.
33
00:02:00,106 --> 00:02:02,474
This is the first guy I
dated that has a crank.
34
00:02:02,476 --> 00:02:05,311
Most of them just did crank.
35
00:02:05,313 --> 00:02:07,313
Okay, so here's the plan.
36
00:02:07,315 --> 00:02:08,714
I'm gonna climb up on the garbage,
37
00:02:08,716 --> 00:02:10,482
Unsnap the windows,
dive in the dumpster,
38
00:02:10,484 --> 00:02:12,017
and grab his spare key on the counter.
39
00:02:12,019 --> 00:02:13,652
Do you look at life as just a game
40
00:02:13,654 --> 00:02:15,954
of "set new lows for Caroline"?
41
00:02:15,956 --> 00:02:17,456
Why do I have to do it?
42
00:02:17,458 --> 00:02:19,758
I'm on parole, Caroline.
43
00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:21,460
We're breaking into a dumpster.
44
00:02:21,462 --> 00:02:23,829
I don't even think that's illegal.
45
00:02:23,831 --> 00:02:27,065
I didn't either.
That's why I'm on parole.
46
00:02:31,905 --> 00:02:36,875
Light on the right, key on the left.
47
00:02:36,877 --> 00:02:40,078
We did this once after Deke left
his keys at our favorite bar,
48
00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:42,147
which is actually just a liquor
store where they let you drink.
49
00:02:42,149 --> 00:02:43,649
They turn a blind eye.
50
00:02:43,651 --> 00:02:45,317
Well, the guy is blind.
51
00:02:47,353 --> 00:02:50,389
Yeah, Deke always found cool places.
52
00:02:50,391 --> 00:02:52,357
Then why are you breaking up with him?
53
00:02:52,359 --> 00:02:54,192
He's perfect for you.
54
00:02:54,194 --> 00:02:58,130
You both think living in a tuna
can is an acceptable habitat.
55
00:02:58,132 --> 00:02:59,731
So what if he has money?
56
00:02:59,733 --> 00:03:02,701
People with money don't
live in the same reality.
57
00:03:02,703 --> 00:03:05,437
You think Donald Trump would
have that hair if he were poor?
58
00:03:05,439 --> 00:03:07,706
Now, come on, let's get
my toothbrush and scram.
59
00:03:07,708 --> 00:03:11,776
You bought a toothbrush?
Oh, you really liked him.
60
00:03:11,778 --> 00:03:15,113
Wait, Max, is that one of your gnomes?
61
00:03:15,115 --> 00:03:17,616
Oh, my God, you were
practically moving in!
62
00:03:17,618 --> 00:03:19,684
And it's your favorite one,
63
00:03:19,686 --> 00:03:21,720
Gnome-o-sexual!
64
00:03:21,722 --> 00:03:24,255
No, this is my second-favorite.
65
00:03:24,257 --> 00:03:27,025
My favorite is "gnome more drama."
66
00:03:27,027 --> 00:03:30,261
And he's not here because
he don't want no more drama,
67
00:03:30,263 --> 00:03:34,099
And frankly, neither do I.
68
00:03:34,101 --> 00:03:35,733
Come on, let's go.
69
00:03:35,735 --> 00:03:40,405
You don't have to ask me
twice to get out of a dumpster.
70
00:03:41,540 --> 00:03:42,607
Well, well.
71
00:03:42,609 --> 00:03:44,943
If it isn't Max-a-million.
72
00:03:44,945 --> 00:03:47,845
Or should I say, "Max
who hates my millions"?
73
00:03:47,847 --> 00:03:50,481
Shouldn't you be occupying
Wall Street or something?
74
00:03:50,483 --> 00:03:52,450
I am just here for my toothbrush,
75
00:03:52,452 --> 00:03:54,652
And then I'll leave you
in your ivory dumpster
76
00:03:54,654 --> 00:03:57,822
to sit around and fart diamonds.
77
00:03:57,824 --> 00:03:59,791
So don't get the wrong
idea, Uncle Pennybags.
78
00:03:59,793 --> 00:04:02,026
I'm not here to be Aunt Pennybags.
79
00:04:02,028 --> 00:04:04,095
Max, who's Uncle Pennybags?
80
00:04:04,097 --> 00:04:07,231
Is he one of the ones who touched you?
81
00:04:07,233 --> 00:04:10,134
He's the Monopoly Man.
82
00:04:10,136 --> 00:04:12,270
See? You guys are
perfect for each other.
83
00:04:12,272 --> 00:04:14,005
Yeah, Max.
84
00:04:14,007 --> 00:04:16,374
We're like a more awesome
version of John and Yoko.
85
00:04:16,376 --> 00:04:18,843
Meaning, like, just John.
86
00:04:18,845 --> 00:04:21,345
Who cares if I got a
few million dollars?
87
00:04:21,347 --> 00:04:23,147
A hundred few million.
88
00:04:23,149 --> 00:04:26,217
And that's on the low
end, according to bing.
89
00:04:26,219 --> 00:04:28,386
Well, I'll be by later, Deke.
90
00:04:28,388 --> 00:04:29,754
Come on, Caroline.
91
00:04:29,756 --> 00:04:32,089
No, Max, you won't.
92
00:04:32,091 --> 00:04:34,258
You're taking your stuff 'cause
you're breaking up with me
93
00:04:34,260 --> 00:04:35,926
And you're too big a baby pants
94
00:04:35,928 --> 00:04:37,661
to tell me you're breaking up with me.
95
00:04:37,663 --> 00:04:39,563
Pfffttt! What?
96
00:04:39,565 --> 00:04:42,366
I am not breaking up with you.
97
00:04:42,368 --> 00:04:44,001
I just needed my toothbrush
98
00:04:44,003 --> 00:04:45,836
because I had dollar shrimp for lunch
99
00:04:45,838 --> 00:04:49,006
and I still have some
shells in my teeth.
100
00:04:49,008 --> 00:04:52,943
I will see you later tonight
for sex and various whatnots.
101
00:04:52,945 --> 00:04:55,479
I am not breaking up with you.
102
00:04:55,481 --> 00:04:59,383
That breakup was brutal!
103
00:05:03,521 --> 00:05:07,958
Yo, Max, I hear our boy
Deke got major money.
104
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:13,163
I shoulda known, 'cause the
weed he gave me was real quality.
105
00:05:14,299 --> 00:05:16,533
And free.
106
00:05:16,535 --> 00:05:19,103
Earl, money changes people. I know.
107
00:05:19,105 --> 00:05:23,507
Every time the food stamps came,
my mother was all, "Max who?"
108
00:05:24,642 --> 00:05:29,246
'Ello, my good people!
109
00:05:29,248 --> 00:05:32,082
You are quite fortunate today,
110
00:05:32,084 --> 00:05:35,919
For a rich person has come
to dine in your establishment!
111
00:05:37,388 --> 00:05:38,755
Caroline, I would like
112
00:05:38,757 --> 00:05:40,957
a tabletop in Max's section, please.
113
00:05:40,959 --> 00:05:42,559
because it's high time she met
114
00:05:42,561 --> 00:05:45,128
the person I've been
pretending not to be.
115
00:05:45,130 --> 00:05:47,764
The veil has been lifted.
She was correct.
116
00:05:47,766 --> 00:05:52,536
I am the Monopoly Man.
117
00:05:52,538 --> 00:05:54,137
Right this way, sir.
118
00:05:54,139 --> 00:05:58,275
I believe I have a table here
in the overacting section.
119
00:05:58,277 --> 00:06:02,279
All right, I'll give it up.
You got me laughing.
120
00:06:03,948 --> 00:06:06,550
And I would miss all this
if we didn't hang out,
121
00:06:06,552 --> 00:06:08,318
So I guess we can still be friends
122
00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:10,020
and pastry school partners.
123
00:06:10,022 --> 00:06:12,088
Pastry school partners?
124
00:06:12,090 --> 00:06:15,792
Your breasts are named in my will.
125
00:06:17,561 --> 00:06:20,230
Come on, you can't
be serious about this.
126
00:06:20,232 --> 00:06:21,798
Don't worry, we can
still do all the stuff
127
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:23,833
we had planned for our future.
128
00:06:23,835 --> 00:06:26,836
Like TPing Han's apartment on the 14th.
I'm not a monster.
129
00:06:26,838 --> 00:06:29,572
- Max...
- Deke, you can't be my boyfriend.
130
00:06:29,574 --> 00:06:31,074
From now on I'm like welfare.
131
00:06:31,076 --> 00:06:34,577
You have to be broke to get some.
132
00:06:43,578 --> 00:06:47,314
Max, I really wish you'd reconsider
breaking up with Deke.
133
00:06:47,316 --> 00:06:49,416
I mean, you guys get along great.
134
00:06:49,418 --> 00:06:51,752
He lives in a trash can,
135
00:06:51,754 --> 00:06:55,589
he shares your love of pee-pee jokes.
136
00:06:55,591 --> 00:06:58,058
He can hide things in his hair.
137
00:06:58,060 --> 00:06:59,826
Aren't those the things
you didn't like about him
138
00:06:59,828 --> 00:07:01,595
before you knew he had money?
139
00:07:01,597 --> 00:07:03,630
Yes, but people can change.
140
00:07:03,632 --> 00:07:05,666
So change and like him.
141
00:07:05,668 --> 00:07:07,834
Come on, just keep an open mind.
142
00:07:07,836 --> 00:07:09,569
In fact, why don't you sleep on it?
143
00:07:09,571 --> 00:07:12,806
Right now. Go. Go to bed.
Go, go, go, go, go.
144
00:07:12,808 --> 00:07:17,544
Boy, are you eager to masturbate.
145
00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:23,750
Hey, friend.
146
00:07:23,752 --> 00:07:26,686
Come on, get in.
147
00:07:26,688 --> 00:07:30,257
- I told you I can't see that anymore.
- Why?
148
00:07:30,259 --> 00:07:32,359
You're my friend, he's my friend.
149
00:07:32,361 --> 00:07:34,327
We're all just friends.
150
00:07:34,329 --> 00:07:35,929
Where did you get a key?
151
00:07:35,931 --> 00:07:37,631
Don't be mad. I asked her for help.
152
00:07:37,633 --> 00:07:39,232
Caroline, get in here!
153
00:07:39,234 --> 00:07:43,770
Can't. I'm masturbating!
154
00:07:43,772 --> 00:07:46,072
Caroline, what are you doing?
155
00:07:46,074 --> 00:07:47,841
Are those new shoes?
156
00:07:47,843 --> 00:07:51,077
Uh, yes.
157
00:07:51,079 --> 00:07:52,879
Where did they come from?
158
00:07:52,881 --> 00:07:55,582
They were just here.
159
00:07:55,584 --> 00:07:57,483
In your size?
160
00:07:57,485 --> 00:08:00,320
It's a miracle.
161
00:08:00,322 --> 00:08:02,355
They're from me.
162
00:08:02,357 --> 00:08:04,924
I got 'em for her as a gift.
163
00:08:04,926 --> 00:08:07,927
What makes you think you
could buy my roommate?
164
00:08:07,929 --> 00:08:11,397
She said, "I'll give you the
key if you buy me new shoes."
165
00:08:11,399 --> 00:08:14,434
Ha! For love!
166
00:08:14,436 --> 00:08:17,770
I did it for love!
167
00:08:17,772 --> 00:08:19,372
You two belong together.
168
00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:20,773
Like me and these shoes.
169
00:08:20,775 --> 00:08:23,042
Come on, just give
me a chance to express
170
00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:25,044
my deep feelings about this.
171
00:08:25,046 --> 00:08:27,146
Max, what I'm trying to say is...
172
00:08:27,148 --> 00:08:30,249
Pfffftttt!
173
00:08:30,251 --> 00:08:33,920
I don't wanna be your friend.
I wanna be your boyfriend.
174
00:08:33,922 --> 00:08:38,090
Well, right now it looks like
you want to be my girlfriend.
175
00:08:38,092 --> 00:08:39,892
Maybe I can help clear things up.
176
00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:41,894
How much is this gonna cost me?
177
00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:43,763
Nothing. Look...
178
00:08:43,765 --> 00:08:47,033
Max doesn't think she deserves
someone rich because she has...
179
00:08:47,035 --> 00:08:49,068
Well, low self-esteem.
180
00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:53,539
Wrong. I have no self-esteem.
181
00:08:53,541 --> 00:08:58,611
And I can see the bottom of your balls.
182
00:08:58,613 --> 00:09:00,613
Max, remember two days ago
183
00:09:00,615 --> 00:09:03,816
when you loved the bottom of my balls?
184
00:09:03,818 --> 00:09:07,853
That's when they were poor
and I felt sorry for them.
185
00:09:09,322 --> 00:09:11,156
Come on, you two belong together.
186
00:09:11,158 --> 00:09:14,693
You're like
the Romeo and Juliet of ball banter.
187
00:09:14,695 --> 00:09:16,528
I'm sorry, it's just never gonna work.
188
00:09:16,530 --> 00:09:19,031
It's like we were raised with
different religions, like...
189
00:09:19,033 --> 00:09:21,400
What are two religions?
190
00:09:21,402 --> 00:09:24,436
Are you taking suggestions
from the audience,
191
00:09:24,438 --> 00:09:28,140
or do you really not know
the names of two religions?
192
00:09:28,142 --> 00:09:32,511
Let's say... A witch and a Smurf.
193
00:09:32,513 --> 00:09:35,614
Question answered.
194
00:09:35,616 --> 00:09:38,417
So it's like I'm a
witch and you're a Smurf.
195
00:09:38,419 --> 00:09:40,919
We could never be together.
Everybody knows that.
196
00:09:40,921 --> 00:09:43,121
I've only lived like a witch.
I've never lived like a Smurf.
197
00:09:43,123 --> 00:09:44,523
So I don't get you.
198
00:09:44,525 --> 00:09:46,525
What's it like being blue and soft?
199
00:09:46,527 --> 00:09:49,094
I don't know, I'm a witch.
I'm green and all-powerful.
200
00:09:49,096 --> 00:09:51,196
So you're saying you can't relate to me
201
00:09:51,198 --> 00:09:53,966
because you've never been a Smurf?
202
00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:55,701
Wow. That's heavy.
203
00:09:55,703 --> 00:09:57,336
Well, I'm gonna go.
204
00:09:57,338 --> 00:10:01,973
Oh, I better take off this
silly robe and put on my skirt.
205
00:10:01,975 --> 00:10:05,043
And she's giving back the shoes.
206
00:10:05,045 --> 00:10:08,914
Oh, no, she is not!
207
00:10:15,788 --> 00:10:19,291
"Language preference: English,
Spanish, Chinese, French."
208
00:10:19,293 --> 00:10:21,693
They should've made
this more specific to the diner.
209
00:10:21,695 --> 00:10:25,297
"Hipster, hobo, junkie, pregnant teen."
210
00:10:25,299 --> 00:10:28,633
Don't forget
"ballerina with a head wound."
211
00:10:28,635 --> 00:10:31,536
"Would you like to see
your account balance?"
212
00:10:31,538 --> 00:10:34,739
That ATM's a real bitch.
213
00:10:34,741 --> 00:10:37,842
Yeah, I got a hot 17 in
here that's dying to get out.
214
00:10:37,844 --> 00:10:42,147
So did Oleg when that
cop pulled him over.
215
00:10:42,149 --> 00:10:43,681
Caroline, look at this receipt.
216
00:10:43,683 --> 00:10:45,083
This can't be right.
217
00:10:45,085 --> 00:10:46,284
I haven't seen this
many zeros in one place
218
00:10:46,286 --> 00:10:48,586
Since the diner Christmas party.
219
00:10:48,588 --> 00:10:51,623
That says $1,000,017.
220
00:10:51,625 --> 00:10:53,558
Han, your ATM's broken.
221
00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:55,693
It just gave Max $1 million.
222
00:10:55,695 --> 00:10:59,097
Out of my way! Out of
my way! Out of my way!
223
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:04,969
This is it! The faulty ATM
that gives out millions.
224
00:11:04,971 --> 00:11:09,774
I thought it was an
urban legend like HPV.
225
00:11:09,776 --> 00:11:11,909
Everybody freeze.
226
00:11:11,911 --> 00:11:13,811
The damn thing must be busted.
227
00:11:13,813 --> 00:11:16,547
And to think I bent over
backwards to get that ATM.
228
00:11:16,549 --> 00:11:20,118
Well, I bent over forwards
to get a "B" in Spanish.
229
00:11:21,553 --> 00:11:24,288
Damn it.
My account's exactly the same.
230
00:11:24,290 --> 00:11:26,357
Frozen.
231
00:11:26,359 --> 00:11:29,794
So, Deke left this note for you earlier.
232
00:11:29,796 --> 00:11:34,231
I forgot 'cause I'm 120.
233
00:11:34,233 --> 00:11:38,836
Now you know what it's
like to be a Smurf.
234
00:11:38,838 --> 00:11:43,307
Can you believe this?
Deke gave me $1 million!
235
00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:53,017
So that's real money?
236
00:11:53,019 --> 00:11:56,954
The money's real?
237
00:11:56,956 --> 00:11:59,723
You have $1 million?
238
00:11:59,725 --> 00:12:02,493
We're a millionaire?
239
00:12:12,397 --> 00:12:14,730
Oh, good morning, my good man.
240
00:12:14,732 --> 00:12:19,201
I recently came into some
money, thus the candy tiara.
241
00:12:19,203 --> 00:12:20,436
And I wanted to spread the wealth.
242
00:12:20,438 --> 00:12:22,471
Here.
243
00:12:22,473 --> 00:12:24,173
Have a pound of coffee.
244
00:12:24,175 --> 00:12:27,310
It's folgers, since
I'm a millionaire now.
245
00:12:27,312 --> 00:12:32,248
Best part of waking up rich!
246
00:12:32,250 --> 00:12:36,485
I come bearing gifts
for all my best friends.
247
00:12:36,487 --> 00:12:39,121
Here, guy who stands behind me...
248
00:12:39,123 --> 00:12:42,792
A 12-pack of triple-A batteries for you.
249
00:12:42,794 --> 00:12:45,895
And yes, they did have to
open the glass case at CVS
250
00:12:45,897 --> 00:12:48,497
for me to get these.
251
00:12:48,499 --> 00:12:50,966
Here, lady on the other side.
252
00:12:50,968 --> 00:12:54,570
A shampoo and conditioner!
253
00:12:54,572 --> 00:12:58,507
Herbal essences, no big deal.
254
00:12:58,509 --> 00:13:02,911
And don't think I forgot
about you, peek-a-boo hair.
255
00:13:02,913 --> 00:13:05,781
A Godiva box of chocolates.
256
00:13:05,783 --> 00:13:09,752
No, you're not dreaming.
I said "Godiva"!
257
00:13:09,754 --> 00:13:12,421
Max, I have great news.
258
00:13:12,423 --> 00:13:15,657
And you, woman who
sold me out for shoes.
259
00:13:15,659 --> 00:13:18,360
I got you something very special
when I was out gift shopping.
260
00:13:18,362 --> 00:13:20,062
You know how you always say,
261
00:13:20,064 --> 00:13:22,865
"Who do I have to bang to
get a chip clip around here?"
262
00:13:22,867 --> 00:13:24,800
Me!
263
00:13:24,802 --> 00:13:27,369
Wait, you spent money?
264
00:13:27,371 --> 00:13:29,805
How much of our million
did you spend on your...
265
00:13:29,807 --> 00:13:32,007
We'll call it a shopping spree.
266
00:13:32,009 --> 00:13:33,942
Almost all of it.
267
00:13:33,944 --> 00:13:37,679
$143!
268
00:13:37,681 --> 00:13:40,749
Okay, our public
schools have failed you.
269
00:13:40,751 --> 00:13:42,818
Or they would have if you'd went.
270
00:13:42,820 --> 00:13:45,087
But I'm too excited to care.
271
00:13:45,089 --> 00:13:47,656
First things first.
When do we quit the diner?
272
00:13:47,658 --> 00:13:49,391
What are you talking about?
We're not quitting the diner.
273
00:13:49,393 --> 00:13:51,092
I'm giving the rest of the money back.
274
00:13:51,094 --> 00:13:53,528
Hold on, hold on, pump the brakes.
275
00:13:53,530 --> 00:13:56,865
What's the problem?
You got a chip clip. You're set.
276
00:13:56,867 --> 00:13:58,867
I only spent it to make a point to Deke.
277
00:13:58,869 --> 00:14:01,670
You can't give it back.
I have plans. Big plans.
278
00:14:01,672 --> 00:14:03,371
After we quit the diner,
279
00:14:03,373 --> 00:14:06,474
I found a guy who can turn
that measly million into 3.
280
00:14:06,476 --> 00:14:08,476
And don't worry, he was not named
281
00:14:08,478 --> 00:14:09,844
in my father's Ponzi scheme.
282
00:14:09,846 --> 00:14:11,913
Well, not by the name he goes by now.
283
00:14:11,915 --> 00:14:15,784
What up, Smurfette?
284
00:14:15,786 --> 00:14:16,918
Oh, hello, Deke.
285
00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:18,253
You just missed me passing out
286
00:14:18,255 --> 00:14:19,988
all the gifts I bought
with your million,
287
00:14:19,990 --> 00:14:21,289
But you're here in time to see me
288
00:14:21,291 --> 00:14:23,224
buy Big Mary as my lab partner.
289
00:14:23,226 --> 00:14:25,794
Who says I'm for sale?
290
00:14:25,796 --> 00:14:29,864
A fireman's calendar...
291
00:14:29,866 --> 00:14:32,901
And another fireman's calendar.
292
00:14:32,903 --> 00:14:34,869
Sold.
293
00:14:37,806 --> 00:14:40,141
I bet you didn't think
I'd spend that money, hmm?
294
00:14:40,143 --> 00:14:42,276
Well, you were wrong.
295
00:14:42,278 --> 00:14:45,780
I spent $143!
296
00:14:45,782 --> 00:14:47,915
Max, I wanted you to spend the money
297
00:14:47,917 --> 00:14:49,617
so you know what it's like to be rich.
298
00:14:49,619 --> 00:14:50,985
Now we're both Smurfs.
299
00:14:50,987 --> 00:14:52,754
You can relate to me again.
300
00:14:52,756 --> 00:14:57,458
Wanna go do hand stuff by the
ovens like we did last Tuesday?
301
00:14:57,460 --> 00:15:00,928
Oh, so you were just trying
to buy me with the money?
302
00:15:00,930 --> 00:15:03,464
Well, I'm not a high-priced call girl.
303
00:15:03,466 --> 00:15:06,133
'cause Super Bowl weekend's over.
304
00:15:06,135 --> 00:15:08,436
Here. I'm giving you the
rest of the money back.
305
00:15:08,438 --> 00:15:09,937
Okay...
306
00:15:09,939 --> 00:15:12,306
Obviously, she is not
mentally competent enough
307
00:15:12,308 --> 00:15:13,941
to handle her finances.
308
00:15:13,943 --> 00:15:16,143
This is like when my grandma
wanted to give all her money
309
00:15:16,145 --> 00:15:19,647
to that orphanage, so they had
her diagnosed with Alzheimer's.
310
00:15:19,649 --> 00:15:21,482
Here.
311
00:15:21,484 --> 00:15:23,517
I can't believe I'm
losing all of my money
312
00:15:23,519 --> 00:15:25,820
twice in one lifetime.
313
00:15:25,822 --> 00:15:28,189
Who has an inhaler?
314
00:15:30,826 --> 00:15:32,760
And check it. I even
put your name on there.
315
00:15:32,762 --> 00:15:36,730
"Deke Mc-richy
Mc-never-had-to-work-for-anything"?
316
00:15:36,732 --> 00:15:38,132
Oh, sorry, I probably should've added,
317
00:15:38,134 --> 00:15:41,068
"Richy rich
pretended-he-was-poor-instein"
318
00:15:41,070 --> 00:15:42,603
So they'd know it's you.
319
00:15:42,605 --> 00:15:45,472
Here, I'll fix it.
320
00:15:45,474 --> 00:15:49,476
Oh, yes. I treat myself well.
321
00:15:49,478 --> 00:15:51,478
You know what, Max? Stop.
322
00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:53,314
I've tried everything
to show you I'm not
323
00:15:53,316 --> 00:15:55,549
Some cartoon rich guy,
and you still think I'm a joke.
324
00:15:55,551 --> 00:15:57,885
You only see me as
my money, but I'm not.
325
00:15:57,887 --> 00:16:00,487
That's how much money means to me.
326
00:16:00,489 --> 00:16:01,822
But you were right.
327
00:16:01,824 --> 00:16:03,957
It's not gonna work with us.
328
00:16:11,599 --> 00:16:15,202
Max. Oh, I got your gift.
329
00:16:15,204 --> 00:16:18,739
I love my new vibrator.
330
00:16:21,009 --> 00:16:25,178
It's not a vibrator, Sophie.
It's a dustbuster.
331
00:16:25,180 --> 00:16:26,980
Oh.
332
00:16:26,982 --> 00:16:31,218
Well, there's no dust there anymore.
333
00:16:31,220 --> 00:16:33,387
I'll be in my booth.
334
00:16:33,389 --> 00:16:36,023
Waitress. Waitress.
335
00:16:36,025 --> 00:16:38,558
"Waitress"? Who's she talking to?
336
00:16:40,061 --> 00:16:41,228
Miss...
337
00:16:41,230 --> 00:16:43,063
This salmon tastes like chicken.
338
00:16:43,065 --> 00:16:45,198
That's weird, 'cause it's pork.
339
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:48,134
I don't need attitude
from some waitress.
340
00:16:48,136 --> 00:16:51,771
Who is this waitress
you keep referring to?
341
00:16:51,773 --> 00:16:54,574
Your job is to take my order,
342
00:16:54,576 --> 00:16:57,077
put a smile on your face, and serve me.
343
00:16:57,079 --> 00:17:00,914
Oh, hell, no!
344
00:17:02,350 --> 00:17:04,384
I don't have to take this.
345
00:17:04,386 --> 00:17:07,320
Let me show you something, doll.
346
00:17:07,322 --> 00:17:11,124
This is my receipt from the
last time I used the atm.
347
00:17:11,126 --> 00:17:13,259
You see where it says
"account balance" at the bottom there?
348
00:17:13,261 --> 00:17:15,028
Read that number to me, please.
349
00:17:15,030 --> 00:17:18,665
If you have $1 million,
why would you be working here?
350
00:17:18,667 --> 00:17:20,834
Good question.
351
00:17:22,336 --> 00:17:24,170
Hey.
352
00:17:24,172 --> 00:17:29,108
You seem cranky.
You want to use my dustbuster?
353
00:17:31,845 --> 00:17:33,446
That woman just asked me
354
00:17:33,448 --> 00:17:36,683
if I have $1 million,
why am I working here?
355
00:17:36,685 --> 00:17:38,151
That's what I've been saying.
356
00:17:38,153 --> 00:17:40,386
I mean, I have $1 million.
357
00:17:40,388 --> 00:17:42,088
That's what I've been saying.
358
00:17:42,090 --> 00:17:44,023
I don't need to be in this dump!
359
00:17:44,025 --> 00:17:45,591
Again, that's what I've...
360
00:17:45,593 --> 00:17:47,326
You've been saying!
I know, I'm an idiot!
361
00:17:47,328 --> 00:17:48,795
I'm keeping that money!
362
00:17:48,797 --> 00:17:50,129
That's what I've been saying!
363
00:17:50,131 --> 00:17:52,031
- Max, Caroline...
- No.
364
00:17:52,033 --> 00:17:53,733
You don't even know
what I was about to say.
365
00:17:53,735 --> 00:17:56,402
Whatever it is, no. We have $1 million.
366
00:17:56,404 --> 00:17:58,037
Yeah, we have $1 million.
367
00:17:58,039 --> 00:18:01,007
Yeah, we have $1 million, and I quit!
368
00:18:01,009 --> 00:18:02,808
And I quit too, baby!
369
00:18:02,810 --> 00:18:05,044
I have hated this hellhole from day one.
370
00:18:05,046 --> 00:18:08,147
Sayonara, short stuff!
371
00:18:09,483 --> 00:18:11,150
I don't know what's more offensive.
372
00:18:11,152 --> 00:18:13,285
"Sayonara" or "short stuff"!
373
00:18:13,287 --> 00:18:16,255
I would go with "sayonara," short stuff.
374
00:18:18,792 --> 00:18:20,159
Wow.
375
00:18:22,896 --> 00:18:24,163
That got off quicker than
376
00:18:24,165 --> 00:18:26,165
a 12-year-old looking at Megan Fox.
377
00:18:26,167 --> 00:18:29,368
Quick? I've been trying to get out
of this thing for three years.
378
00:18:29,370 --> 00:18:32,204
This zipper is stuck!
This is like a horror movie!
379
00:18:32,206 --> 00:18:34,173
Help me!
Get this damn thing off me!
380
00:18:34,175 --> 00:18:36,275
Tear it off, cut it off,
light it on fire!
381
00:18:36,277 --> 00:18:37,543
Well, watch my hair.
382
00:18:37,545 --> 00:18:38,577
Oh, who cares! I'll buy new hair!
383
00:18:40,147 --> 00:18:41,547
Damn it, I'll just go over.
384
00:18:41,549 --> 00:18:43,082
Yes! We're out of here.
385
00:18:43,084 --> 00:18:45,084
No more diner, no more cupcakes.
386
00:18:45,086 --> 00:18:47,419
Wait, wait, no more cupcakes?
387
00:18:47,421 --> 00:18:49,088
What are you talking about?
388
00:18:49,090 --> 00:18:51,156
With all this money,
we can grow our business.
389
00:18:51,158 --> 00:18:53,459
Oh, I'm not growing anything
390
00:18:53,461 --> 00:18:57,162
except a big-ass weed plant
on my nightstand.
391
00:18:57,164 --> 00:18:58,797
But it's our dream.
392
00:18:58,799 --> 00:19:01,834
I don't need a dream.
Dreams are for poor people!
393
00:19:01,836 --> 00:19:03,235
I have $1 million.
394
00:19:03,237 --> 00:19:04,870
I'm not going to pastry school,
395
00:19:04,872 --> 00:19:06,672
I might not even go to the bathroom.
396
00:19:06,674 --> 00:19:09,141
And I am definitely
not getting out of bed.
397
00:19:09,143 --> 00:19:11,777
I will never do anything again!
398
00:19:13,246 --> 00:19:16,148
Oh, my God, I'll never
do anything again.
399
00:19:16,150 --> 00:19:18,283
We're not quitting.
400
00:19:20,353 --> 00:19:22,654
I knew it!
401
00:19:22,656 --> 00:19:26,491
Between you and this zipper,
I'll never get outta here.
402
00:19:26,493 --> 00:19:29,161
I can't. You heard what
I'd be like with $1 million.
403
00:19:29,163 --> 00:19:30,796
I'd be dead at 30.
404
00:19:30,798 --> 00:19:35,066
But isn't that what
you've always wanted?
405
00:19:38,672 --> 00:19:40,872
Hey, Uncle Pennybags, you home?
406
00:19:40,874 --> 00:19:42,974
I mean, you dumpster?
407
00:19:42,976 --> 00:19:45,410
Hey, can I come in?
408
00:19:45,412 --> 00:19:48,146
Or did you already move on?
'Cause I'd get it if you did.
409
00:19:48,148 --> 00:19:52,884
Nah, come in. Just sittin'
in here fartin' diamonds.
410
00:19:52,886 --> 00:19:56,855
Look, I think I owe you an apology.
411
00:19:56,857 --> 00:19:59,257
You know how I called you a
lazy Mc-richy Rich who never
412
00:19:59,259 --> 00:20:02,093
had to work for anything and
lives in an ivory dumpster?
413
00:20:02,095 --> 00:20:04,763
Is this part of the apology
414
00:20:04,765 --> 00:20:07,632
or just the recap of mean
things you've said to me?
415
00:20:07,634 --> 00:20:09,934
Just listen.
416
00:20:09,936 --> 00:20:12,670
Well, I was right, you never
did have to work for anything.
417
00:20:12,672 --> 00:20:15,840
Okay, I'm starting to think you
don't know what an apology is.
418
00:20:15,842 --> 00:20:18,877
But even though you never
had to work for anything,
419
00:20:18,879 --> 00:20:20,245
You do.
420
00:20:20,247 --> 00:20:22,614
You actually get up,
you go to pastry school,
421
00:20:22,616 --> 00:20:25,149
And you build dumpsters,
you do lots of stuff.
422
00:20:25,151 --> 00:20:26,818
Hey, you're not even
familiar with my charity:
423
00:20:26,820 --> 00:20:29,287
Orgasms for old people.
424
00:20:29,289 --> 00:20:32,090
I hope you're not joking.
425
00:20:32,092 --> 00:20:35,326
Look, the truth is
I couldn't see past your money.
426
00:20:35,328 --> 00:20:37,095
All I saw was Smurf.
427
00:20:37,097 --> 00:20:40,798
And I thought witches and
Smurfs couldn't be together,
428
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:43,901
But I was wrong.
429
00:20:43,903 --> 00:20:45,703
Yeah, you were.
430
00:20:45,705 --> 00:20:48,639
Max, did you get back the check yet?
431
00:20:48,641 --> 00:20:50,842
Because I just found a
different investment guy.
432
00:20:50,844 --> 00:20:52,276
A legit one in Germany.
433
00:20:52,278 --> 00:20:54,812
His name is Herr Schluffen.
434
00:20:54,814 --> 00:20:57,949
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm giving it back right now.
435
00:20:57,951 --> 00:21:00,618
Herr Schluffen can schluff off.
436
00:21:00,620 --> 00:21:03,387
Wait, Max, can I hold the million?
437
00:21:03,389 --> 00:21:08,059
For just one more second,
I want to be upper-middle class.
438
00:21:10,629 --> 00:21:13,431
Caroline, give it back.
439
00:21:13,936 --> 00:21:18,432
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