Original subtitles

Yo! X Games!

What the hell's up, man?

This is Blake H.

And right over here is...

Ders H.!

And we're here to tell you that you need to consider

our new sport for this summer's X Games.

Freaking don't even consider it.

Just take it, you idiots.

- It's brilliant, all right? - Duh.

Basically what we've done is taken the sickest

and gnar-gnarest, most epic sports and mixed them together.

I'm talking rollerblading, I'm talking skateboarding combined

to make Roller-skating... 2.

- The New Class. - Sick.

What?

DeMampsa, what up, bro?

Are you ready to rip?

I'm ready to rip!

Actually, I'm very nervous.

I don't think I'm wearing enough padding,

but I will die for you guys!

Freaking rock on. Ders, light it up.

Let's do this.

- Ready to go? - Ow!

- Little worried. - Ow!

Whoo!

All right, you got this, DeMamp!

- [yelling] - Ders, punch it!

- We're about to hit the jump! - [screaming]

- Whoa, dude! - Whoo!

- How did you land that, dude? - [laughing]

Blake, tell me you got the shot.

- I got it... - You got the shot?

Oh! Ah! [cracking]

Ow!

Great, Blake. I hope you're happy.

You lost the footie, and the X Games are in like four days.

Now we're gonna have to get a new cameraman for the next run.

No. Next run? There's not a next run.

- Blake's hurt, man. - Yeah, didn't you hear him?

I, like, fractured it in, like, six places.

I don't think my wrist will ever walk again.

Fine.

I'll freaking text Karl, have him film it.

He's not gonna be a bitch about it and go to the hospital

for no good reason.

Yeah, um, again, serious injury.

But it's okay 'cause I like to ride in ambulances.

[whispering] I'm gonna steal drugs!

Get him out of my face!

I mean, I knew today was gonna end with an ambulance ride.

I just didn't think Blake would be the one in it.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means, like, you're always getting hurt.

- [ambulance beeping] - Yeah. Yeah, right, Ders.

I get hurt all the time.

- [thudding] - Dude! Hey!

Whoa, guys! Hey!

[ambulance sirens wailing]

[sighs]

Hi, 911?

Yeah, it's Anders again.

Uh, look, can you tell your boy to flip a B?

We got another.

[The Skinny Boys' "Jock Box"]

I'm fresh

You gotta, you gotta, you gotta

Gotta be fresh

Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com

God, man, I can't believe I broke my wrist on my scratching hand.

Ders, will you just give me one little finger, please?

Dude, scratch your own butt.

I'm worried about Adam.

He probably should've gotten in the ambulance.

- He's got a concussion. - He's fine, dude.

No, he's not, he's showing all the symptoms...

Nausea, memory loss, mood swings.

[vomits loudly]

Ew!

Who puked?

[giggles]

Answer me!

That was you. You just did it.

All right. Listen up, everybody.

Because of the little stunt these three morons pulled

in the parking lot,

corporate now wants us to take an online safety course,

which sounds super fun.

So it'll take about three hours, so after lunch,

just get to your cubicles...

- Who's the coolest? - [choking]

Who's the coolest? Who's the coolest?

Can't hear you. Going to sleep.

Oh, good night.

I'm her sister.

I'm Juliette. It's all good.

Oh, God, I think I'm still drunk.

Me and B-Rad just did a 12-hour shift at Spearmint Rhino.

That pig is still there just crushing hot wings.

- Sick. - B-Rad.

- That's sick. - I miss that guy.

Classic sleeper hold, huh?

Still funny.

I see that you've met my sister, Juliette.

She's going to be filling in for Jillian

while she's on National Guard duty.

- Cool. Freaking sick. - Yeah.

What the hell was I saying?

You were doing some BS speech about safety or something.

Dude, I knew this job was gonna be a complete dookie fountain.

- Dookie fountain. - [laughing]

All right, well, this is how much fun we're gonna have.

Because if everybody passes their online safety course,

I'm gonna take you on a nature hike.

- Go walking? - That's lame.

I have a better idea.

I used to date this chick in the Navy.

She has a jump plane.

We can go skydiving.

- Are you serious? - What?

- Oh, we should go skydiving! - Finally.

Let's go skydiving!

- Let's go skydiving. - Guys. Come on, skydiving?

That's... that's not cool.

It's, like, so '90s.

What, are you kidding me? The '90s were awesome.

Like "Space Jam," "Doug," Lark Voorhies.

- Yup. - "Real World: Seattle."

When Stephen slapped Irene?

That was off the hook.

- It was. - Uh, Blink 182.

"What's My Age Again?"

- Yeah. - What is my age again?

- Are you serious? - How old am I?

[chanting] Skydiving...

- Don't start chanting, please... - All: Skydiving!

Skydiving!

- Skydiving! - All right, okay, fine!

If you wanna go freaking skydiving, we'll go skydiving.

[all cheering]

Yes! Yes!

- Yes, yes, yes. - Yes!

[laughing] Yes, yes, yes.

Ew! Who puked?

[laughs]

Yeah!

This freaking safety test is impossible.

Adam, ple... okay, well, you are on farmersonly.com

You're not even taking the test right now.

We just... We need to concentrate.

Do you not want to go on the field trip, dude?

Come on, it's gonna be super fun.

Dude, you know what happens on field trips.

Bus ride hookups.

- [laughs] - This guy knows. Look.

You get your Starter jacket out, put your hand underneath,

and you make the pussy queef.

You don't have to tell me.

I've got history.

Ninth grade, yeah.

We took a field trip to "Fiddler on the Roof,"

and I "diddler" on the bus, is what I did.

- That's awesome. - Hi.

Uh, just taking a shot in the dark here,

but you drug addicts definitely have drugs, right?

Uh...

- Uh... yes. - Ahem.

- I can't hear you. - We got the hookup.

Yeah, I can't... It's just, your sister's

just kind of watching us like a hawk, so...

You're worried about Alice? She's obsessed with me.

She'll do anything for my approval. Watch this.

Hey, Alice, these guys over here are doing drugs.

- What? - Cocaine, you name it.

- No, no. - Just kidding.

I just didn't want to walk all the way over there.

So what are you getting me for lunch, peachy?

Well, actually, I was going to let this be a surprise,

but we're gonna get some El Pollo Loco tacos.

Uh, the thing about that is I'd rather have balls

in my mouth than eat their tacos.

'Cause she's a lesbian.

- Sick. - Thanks.

Go to Tina's Tacos. They're the best.

Tell Tina you know me and she'll give you that extra guac hookup.

- Stop touching my breast. - Vamonos. Mami's hungry.

- Mm! - Smoking in Alice's office.

Okay, so you all passed.

Man, this sucks that you're only gonna work here for two weeks.

- I really love you. - Yeah.

No, two weeks... that's my limit on any job, dude.

- Mm. - Whoa.

You guys didn't tell me that a famous actress worked here.

- What, Didi? - Yeah.

Oh, no, she's not a famous actress.

- No, it's Didi. - Oh...

- Yeah, she's a lizard. - She used to be.

Look at this. Check this out.

Ooh. She is one bad mama-jamma.

Didi's, like, a lesbian icon.

What, bitch? You gonna stand there and stare

or you gonna sock it to my pocket like a space rocket?

Oh, my stars. You weren't kidding.

- Nope. - That's her, isn't it?

All your friends are dead. Now you are too.

[gunshots]

Dude, this puts Didi in a whole new light.

I think I just found my...

bus ride hookup.

[coughs and grunts]

[laughs] Oh, no, no, no, no, Ders.

I'm the one who's gonna be slipping Didi my digits.

And I'm not talking about my phone number.

I just called her, okay?

Are we really about to have this manversation?

Okay, yeah, actually we are. I need some manswers, dude,

and I'm sorry to talk about this in front of you.

- It's just guy stuff. - I mean, I'm fine with it.

Dude, it's a field trip.

I'm definitely finger-banging a TelAmeri-vag.

- [laughs] - Yeah.

- Yeah, but I called Didi. - No...

Well, guys, I don't have time for this buffoonery

because I actually have a meeting with Karl

in the parking lot right now.

- What? About what? - I don't know, Anders!

[clattering]

Okay.

[The Skinny Boys' "Jock Box"]

Hey, Didi, uh, could you help me with something real quick?

- [wheels squeaking] - Huh?

- Yeah. - What the... what's going on?

I just wanted to show you a little something with my, uh,

finger skateboard.

Thought maybe you could watch me shred some gnar tricks.

Tell me how you like my finger skills.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy the sho... oh!

Oh, do you like the way I ollie?

Oh, that's weird, I'm so good,

and this isn't even my good hand.

- I'm actually left-handed. - [strums banjo]

If you get what I'm saying.

- [strums banjo] - What the hell's that?

Can you do this?

What's up, Didi? Check it.

[plays upbeat bluegrass tune] Ooh!

Yeah!

They call them "licks" for a reason.

[giggles]

Yeah, you're pretty cool.

- Honor. - Okay. Yeah, no.

And you can go lick off, Steve Martin.

Why don't you go put a arrow through your head, you idiot?

'Cause I was just about to show her my final trick.

Oh, hey, finger skater boy.

I said, see you later, boy.

You're not good enough for her.

Okay, well, that's funny you should say that,

because it's gonna be pretty hard for her to refuse my love

- when I can do this. - Oh, oh!

- So it's time to battle? - Watch this.

She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes

Stop! Obviously.

- See you later, guys. - What are you doing?

What? It's an old-fashioned duel.

Except instead of real guns, we're using finger guns.

Oh, this isn't a duel, Ders, okay?

'Cause you don't stand a chance, all right?

'Cause I'm gonna be the one at the back of the bus

rocking Didi's world with some erotic...

pawing.

[meowing]

Am I getting right under little kitty's chin?

And then guess what. While she's not looking...

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, my God.

Is that how you think you're supposed to finger a girl?

Yeah. What, you think that's how you finger a girl?

Dude, you're a dummy... you don't even have any cool moves.

I got a cool move.

You basically make the shadow puppet dog,

but then you shove it in, right? And then it just bites the meat.

Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong.

Let me in, ma'am, I got a vacuum to sell ya.

Okay, this is what I call the twister...

Okay, you guys! Okay, stop.

- Come, follow me. - What?

Working up a sweat.

Okay, that's secure. Excellent.

Oh, dude!

Goons the [beep]Eater strikes again, man.

[laughs] That is funny.

Oh, uh, talent on set.

Okay, everybody, let's gather round, let's do this.

Whoo! Let's go, okay!

Yeah!

You're lucky we even showed up

'cause we're a busy crew.

We got back-to-back quincea?eras

later on this afternoon, so let's get to it.

Time is money, all right?

[retches]

Okay. Yeah, let's do this.

Okay, let's roll camera.

- Roll sound. - Rolling!

Good. And...

[mouthing] Action.

Adam... okay, man.

Look, if you're nervous, just use that emotion.

Think about the script.

Say your lines with that emotion.

It's gonna be great.

All right.

Where's the script?

Okay, cut.

Okay, we don't work without a script,

so if you'll excuse us, we need to go watch

two beautiful, young Mexican females turn into

two beautiful, old Mexican women.

So buh-buh-bye.

Oh, don't you turn your backs on me!

Don't you...

I'll break everything that you own!

I will break you!

I will ruin you and your whole squadron!

I'm gonna fight one of these women right here.

I'm gonna beat the shit out of this girl right here.

Yeah, the big one. I'm coming for you...

Ooh!

Homeless Mike, are you okay?

Okay, lesson number one.

Clitoris is on the top of the kiwi.

- Copy that? - Yeah.

- Butthole is on the bottom. - [giggling]

Just avoid that unless she says not to.

- Okay, okay. - She's gonna say not to.

So just calm down.

I want you to just go up and down,

gently massage the clitoris.

Okay, and the clitoris is in here?

- Yes... oh! No! - So get in there...

- Yeah, get it, boy. - Okay, stop. Stop.

Oh, look, I'm making the Jell-O.

Here, let me just... I'll show you.

At least there's liquid coming out.

I heard that's good.

When do we get to go to the butthole?

- Hi there. - Hi.

So, uh, I actually found something interesting.

Um, I just went on my computer

and I checked the safety course scores,

and funny, it looks like you two and Adam all scored a 69.

Oh, good for you guys.

- Frickin' triple 69. - Nice.

We've always wanted to do that.

- That's awesome! - I'm not buying it.

She put you up to this, didn't she?

Look, we got those scores on our own.

I mean why... do you want a cup for your hater-ade?

'Cause that's what you're drinking.

- Do you want a cup for it? - That's a dirty cup though.

You should've seen the other girl.

What?

I got in a fight in the parking lot.

I think I beat up a woman.

You know what? That is it!

- Skydiving is cancelled. - Ohh!

Okay? No!

You are too much of a liability, and I am not taking the risk.

We are going with my plan, and we're gonna go hiking.

And it's gonna be fun. Deer.

Deer? Deers are pretty.

I'm supposed to diddle Didi!

I can't do that if we're going to Rancho Hills.

That's like six minutes away. How am I supposed

to diddle Didi in six minutes?

It's gonna take me at least a half hour

to find a clit on the butthole.

I don't know why you guys are talking to each other

in that tone, and I don't know why I'm in the kitchen.

Okay, everyone just calm down. We're gonna go skydiving.

I've been manipulating Alice my entire life, all right?

All we have to do is apologize, do some grand gesture,

and she's gonna fold.

- Okay? - Yeah, no doubt.

Kick it

- Here she comes, here she comes. - Shh. Everyone, be professional.

What the hell are you guys doing in here?

Get back to to work.

First of all, we want to say that we are sorry

and that we take safety very seriously.

And to show that... Have a seat...

We put together a little presentation.

Yes, welcome to our presentation of...

"Office Safety: It's Very Important and We Get That."

I'd love to run some stats by you.

Recent studies have shown that the most dangerous things

you can do are retreats on earth.

On the ground.

Here's a great example of what might happen

on an outside work retreat.

Juliette, watch out for that cliff!

Cliff? What cliff? [trailing off]

We shall celebrate our... Our bountiful harvest

with our new native friends...

by feasting and giving strength.

Uh... thanks.

And we shall call this day "Thanksgiving."

Adam, wrong... No, this is...

Wrong performance. This is a safety presentation.

Your words make no sense to me, noble Indian.

But I shall thank you and your people

for the corn and the blankets.

What the hell is wrong with him?

Corn. So, okay.

Say we're on the hike and we're picking wild corn.

Okay, and what's that? Ah! Rattlesnake!

Rattlesnake to the neck!

I've now been bit, the venom is coursing through me.

If someone doesn't suck the venom out soon,

I will have a casualty. Who, hm?

Who should do it? Maybe Didi.

Get over here and work my neck, girl.

Didi? Oh, ow! More corn snakes!

Bit me in the neck! So, Didi, you're gonna have to suck on my neck too.

Well, me first 'cause I got bit first, so...

I need it.

It's been a while since I've had a snake bite me.

But I'm a pilot in the next scene.

I switched with Gary.

What? Okay, no recasting.

- What needs sucking? - Uh...

Okay, I can see what you guys are doing

and it is not happening, okay?

We are not going skydiving.

We are going hiking, and that is final.

Can you please just be cool for once in your life?

- Right? - Try it?

Okay, do you wanna know what's cool?

Consistency and leadership.

You think what she does is cool?

She just, like, goes from job to job

and girl to girl and has no responsibilities

and isn't tied down.

That's not cool, okay?

Alice, that's the definition of cool

and I think you're just jealous

and it's not a good look on you.

I am not jealous.

Oh, my gosh, this is sad.

You won't even let us have any fun

just so you can win some stupid family squabble?

I'm disappointed in you.

All right. Fine. Fine, you know what?

You know what, you're probably right.

All right? I am not cool.

I'm never gonna be as cool as Juliette.

She's always been the cool one.

So you know what, if you want to go and hang out with her

and go skydiving and not hang out with me on a hike...

Your Alice... Fine, I can't stop you.

- Yeah, we do. - Yeah.

- Sick! All right! - Awesome.

Yeah, we did it!

Okay, so for the X Games submission,

I'm gonna Roller-skate 2, The New Class out of an airplane.

- That's cool, right? - Yeah.

And then I'll be the first person

to Roller-skate 2, The New Class midair.

- Which is cool, right? - Yeah.

Okay, so I need you guys to help me film it.

Yeah, I mean, we're in.

I think we're just glad to see you back

to your good, old, normal self.

Oh, well, I didn't die in my sleep,

which the doctor said is a good sign.

- Yeah, that is. - That's huge.

But I gotta wear this helmet because evidently,

if I get one more concussion, I'll get brain damage.

But for now, I'm fine.

- One second. - Right on.

Hey, guys, the van's out back.

- Just save me a seat next to you. - I want to sit next to you.

I don't understand what the big deal is.

I'd love to just talk on the bus.

No, no, no, this is...

This is fine, this is just fine.

It's actually very typical of you.

I mean, you promised an entire office

that you'd take them skydiving,

and now you're bailing on them for some girl.

- I mean, cool. - Yeah, what is the problem?

The problem is is that the van is going to be here

in five minutes.

What am I supposed to tell them?

Make something up. I don't know.

Tell them that I got my period and that my tampon will fly out.

No.

No, I am done covering for you, okay?

You know what, I really thought you'd changed.

But you're still the same flake that you've always been.

- Oh, God. - And I'm over it.

So get the hell out of my call center.

Jesus!

Ahem. Uh, attention, everyone.

Uh... unfortunate I have some bad news.

Seems that Juliette is not going to be able

to take you skydiving today.

So, um, she...

started her period.

Ooh, I know how bad that can get.

Well, I mean everybody knows that at that altitude,

I mean, your tampon can just fly out of you.

No, that's true.

A lot of lesbians have medical issues because

they don't have dicks inside of them.

Yeah, sure.

- This is ridiculous! - I'm sorry, you guys.

Thanks, Alice.

Real cool.

But you know what?

Hey, what if I....

I don't know, what if I take you guys skydiving?

Okay, are you being serious right now?

- Yeah. - Yes! Alice freaking rocks.

- Yeah! - Alice!

[all chanting] Alice! Alice! Alice!

All right, yes, okay, thank you, that is very sweet.

But let's just get on the van before I change my mind, okay?

- Shotgun! - I don't think so.

- Okay. - Hey, um, Alice?

- We're gonna go skydiving! - What?

We heard the whole conversation

with you and Juliette.

And we know that she's not on her period.

And it's pretty cool for you to step up for the office, so...

Yeah, that's really freaking cool.

I'd even go to say, uh...

you're the coolest Murphy sister.

- Thanks, Blake. - Right?

Seriously, thank you for saying that.

That really means a lot to me.

I just feel like I've always grown up

in the shadow of my sister.

She always makes me feel so small, you know?

- [giggling] - Just makes me feel this big.

Are you crying right now?

Oh, my God, that is so weak!

- Why are you crying? - That's such a weak emotion.

Yeah, you cry? [laughter]

Ew, that's not a good look on you.

- You got issues. - Oh, my God.

Crybaby.

"My sister!"

- No, I want Didi! - Stop!

- Get out of my way. - Please, just stop.

- I need this, okay? - Uh, that's my seat.

- That's me. - What? No.

Sit somewhere else.

- Hey, uh... - What?

I brought a kiwi.

If you wanted to, I don't know, like...

pretend on the way there.

Great.

Imagination is a powerful thing.

[dramatic music]

Yeah. Yeah, thanks.

This could've been you, Didi.

When you guys are done finger-banging that kiwi,

can I get it?

I'm starving.

You got it.

[clears throat]

[The Skinny Boys' "Jock Box"]

[The Skinny Boys' "Jock Box"]

Okay, you're all set!

I'm sorry, but isn't it illegal to allow someone

to jump alone on their first time?

Yeah, technically you're supposed to have 25 jumps in first.

But we're not a legal skydiving company.

I'm just a chick with a plane who used to bang your sister!

What? What?

No! No!

- [screams] - Ooh, whoa!

- All right, who's up next? - All right!

Me? Cool.

- Ooh-rah! - Okay.

Whoa!

Whoa! [laughing]

Jumping, jumping!

Oh, what am I doing?

They don't even wear helmets in the X Games.

Roller-skate guy, you're up!

[screaming]

No!

My little baby!

[suspenseful music]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Let him land!

Lord, please let him land in the lake.

Adam!

[screaming]

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