All language subtitles for Workaholics s06e07Night at the Dudeseum.eng

- Okay.
- Are we ready?

- Yup. Ready.
- All right.

Oh, my God, Ders, come out here!

- Ders! Help!
- Hurry! Hurry!

What are you guys doing up there?

Come on, we got to go.
We're gonna be late.

Okay, just give us two secs.

Blake, will you do me the honor

of pulling my finger?

Sure, Adam.

I'd love to.

- It's a marble.
- Yeah.

- Watch this.
- What's gonna happen?

Kerplunk. Kerplunk.

There it goes.

Oh go on. Ohhh

It's Still going.

[dramatic music]

[muffled voices from roof]

[water chugging]

Is there something out
here I'm supposed to see?

It's a... it's a roof Goldberg.

'Cause we're on the roof.

Like Rube Goldberg, but it's "roof."

We should have probably
done it in the front yard.

- Yeah.
- This is kind of a poor plan.

- There's the guy!
- Oh!

- Oh!
- Oh, it worked!

- Oh!
- It worked!

[strained] Hold on.

Hold on. Hold on.

Hold on.

Nope. It went back up.

It went back up in the deep butt.

[The Skinny Boys' "Jock Box"]

Can I take these blindfolds off?

- I got hot eyes.
- Yeah, dude, come on.

I got to feed my Tamagotchi.

I don't want him to die.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Not yet, okay?

I want to record your
faces when you find out

what we're doing for
this year's Ders Day.

Dude, this better not be lame, man.

I mean, last Ders Day sucked.

Admittedly, that was
the worst day of my life...

- Yeah, terrible.
- And a lot of my family members

have died tragically, you know?

Blake's Day rules. Adam's Day rules.

- Ders Day...
- [makes sad sound]

Drools. Yeah, you could've finished it.

Well, I think you're gonna
be pleasantly surprised

when you find out what I have
in store for you this year.

[Adam sniffing]

- What?
- I smell it. I smell it.

We're at a mother-freaking
Chili's right now,

and we're gonna use that $100 gift card

that your grandpa sent you.

- Oh, my gosh!
- Yes!

I forgot about that, dude! Yes, dude!

You know how many Triple Dippers

we can buy with 100 bones?

Stop. Ready?

Okay, you can take
off your blindfolds...

now and get ready for
the Ders Day of your life!

Welcome to "Vikings of Scandinavia!"

[foreboding music]

What the [bleep]
kind of Chili's is this?

It's not a Chili's. It's a museum.

You better hope there's
a Chili's To Go in here.

Oh, that's what it is.

There's definitely a
Chili's To Go in here.

- You think?
- Yeah, it's a museum.

- It has a Chili's To Go.
- Okay.

Chili's To Go in this bitch!

And your card works there, right?

No... I...
You did check on that, right?

Screw you for taking
us to a fricking museum.

These places are... they're a scam.

- It's not a scam.
- Yes, they are.

Your sipping the government Kool-Aid.

That's what they want you to believe.

Luckily I never had to sip
from that poisonous well

because I went to private school.

You went to private school?

Yeah, I did. In fact,
it was wildly private.

I was the only student.

I was taught by my mom's special friend,

Dr. Jerry Larryberry.

He was, like, a really cool guy.

Like, during the day
he'd, like, teach me stuff

like history, or, you know, whatever.

And then, at night, he
would... he would, um...

he'd [bleep] my mom.

- Cool teacher.
- Yeah, he was cool.

He also was an ex-spy on
the run from the government.

He was like, "Don't believe
in museums or any of that."

If you have a question, ask me."

He'd also make me chop a lot of firewood

shirtless in the backyard;
he was a cool guy.

- Sure.
- No way.

Museums, they give me the willies, man.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, they are haunted.

I mean, there's mummies downstairs.

There's dead animals
hanging all over the walls.

They're all crammed into one building.

- It's bad juju, man.
- 'Cause it's fake, yeah.

Guys, there's no haunted.
There's no bad juju.

This is just a regular,
normal museum, okay?

As an executive in charge
of our friendship circle,

I say Ders Day...

canceled.

Blake, let's go home and try

to gain my fart back
from my deep butthole.

I like that idea, man.

- Okay.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, okay?

You thought I was gonna
really just bring you

to a museum and show you
these beautiful fossils...

Mm - hmm.

And make you learn stuff
that you probably should know.

No. What? I brought you here...

to...

Steal...

[camera beeps] Erik the Red's helmet.

- What?
- Really?

Like, a secret mission
to steal something?

- It's a heist, guys.
- I love heists.

And we're gonna make
this the best Ders Day ever.

- Heist this bitch.
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Very smart. Very cool.

Tell this evil museum
to frickin' "suck it."

And then we'll go to Chili's.

- Yeah, [bleep] you, museum!
- Suck it.

[bleep] you, museum. You suck!

[bleep]... Hey!

- Oh, my God!
- What is going on?

If you guys don't keep it down,

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

You're gonna have to ask us to leave?

What are you, the king of this place?

Doubt it.

I am the Assistant
Director of the museum,

and the Director is on his honeymoon,

so, yes, for all intents and purposes,

I am the king.

Now, if I catch you causing
trouble again, you're gone.

- Understand?
- Understood. Understood.

- Okay.
- Right. Right.

Congratulations to your boss.

God, I can't believe we're here.

I can't wait to see the helmets

and the... but, anyway, so, the plan...

- Mm-hmm.
- Is that I'm gonna

steal the helmet, and you
guys are gonna be lookouts.

- Cool? All right. All right.
- Okay.

Hey, Ders, uh, if you could just kind of

make it quick, you know?

This place has some serious
"Night at the Museum"

disaster potential.

Yeah, I bet there's, like,
hell of ancient tablets

just waiting to explode
all around this place.

No, probably not,

but here's my selfie stick,
and you guys can play with that.

Use it to peer around
corners as lookouts.

- Right?
- Oh, okay.

I was wondering why you were using it.

I was like, "Wow, Ders",

"what are you, a widowed dentist

on a cruise ship or something?"

[Adam and Black laugh]

But really, it's a heist tool

disguised as a lame
thing only losers have.

- Very cool.
- Yeah, that's sick.

Yeah, exactly.

So, um, eyes peeled. Lookouts.

Dang, man,

I can't believe Ders
took us to the museum.

I can't believe Ders
thinks we're gonna sit around

and be lookouts while he gets to heist.

We're the frickin' heisters, dude.

Let's go freaking heist some stuff!

- All right.
- Let's heist!

Okay, what? What are we stealing?

I have no idea. We'll figure it out.

- Let's just go look.
- All right.

[classical music]

So it's only $13.99? Is that right?

That's right.

So it's a steal after all.

Wow, look at this.

Museum's so desperate to seem cool

they made up, like, a spooky curse.

Okay, dude, curses are very real.

- As you know, I've been cursed...
- Mmhmm.

With like a very huge, long wiener.

I know that's a lie.
I've seen your dick.

It's very small.

Not hard.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

Well, I just figured out
what we're about to heist.

You want a shmoke a bowl?

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho, dude.

Yes, I like where your head's at.

But... I don't know, man.

I've got a bad feeling about this.

We just need to find
the weakness in the cage.

What?

[bangs] Whoa.

[bangs] What are you do... stop.

Oh, here's the lock.

You just need to wiggle your
tiny little spaghetti fingers

in there, and wiggle it free.

Okay, I don't have tiny
spaghetti fingers, all right?

- Yes, you do.
- No, I don't.

I don't got a tiny
spaghetti dick either.

You do. Yeah, we just covered this.

You have a very tiny penis.

- I don't.
- You've never seen it hard.

- I've seen it dozens of times.
- Not hard.

I'll just take one of your bobby pins.

- I don't have bobby pins.
- Yes, you do.

You have a small dick,
and you carry bobby pins.

That's who you are as a person.

- No, it's a pipe cleaner.
- Okay, just use it.

I actually have seen
your dick hard. Okay...

- Oh, you have?
- Yeah.

- Keep a lookout.
- Oh, yeah.

- Obviously.
- Yeah. Yeah.

All right. Based on
the movies I've seen,

you just snap it in,

you look off in the distance,

and you just wiggle it...

[lock clicks]

I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it.

Are you kidding me? You got it? Dude.

Dude, I didn't think you'd
be able to do it this way.

You know, I believe in
myself, and that's what it takes

sometimes to be a champion.

I'm impressed. Okay.

- Uh...
- Okay, she's gone. She's gone.

How do we... wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

That is a weight sensor.

- Let me do my magic.
- I'm gonna step back,

'cause you're probably gonna get
killed by lasers or something.

[ominous music]

- Huh.
- Okay.

Guess it wasn't a weight sensor.

- Yeah, my bad.
- All right.

- Sorry about that.
- All right.

- Let's go shmoke a bowl.
- All right.

Hey, dude, when did
you see my dick hard?

Like, two Christmases ago, you said

it was something about the eggnog.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Hey, check it out. Pretty cool, huh?

Are you kidding?

It's a bunch of old
crap put on mannequins.

No, no, you've got to...

you've got to use your
imagination, right?

Imagine you and your
friends on a Viking long-ship,

battling the high seas, and then...

[gasps] you discover America!

But in the 11th century.

Eat that, Christopher Columbus, right?

I'm only here 'cause
my mom dragged me here.

I'd rather be anywhere else.

- You don't like museums?
- No one likes museums!

Mom, this giant Ken doll is annoying me.

No, I'm not.

You're a Barbie-face poopy mouth.

Smoke 'em, big chief.

[both laugh]

[smoke alarm blares]

What did you do?

- That's not us, right?
- Dude.

Excuse me. Excuse me, everyone.

We need to evacuate the building.

Please move to the nearest
exit. No running! Jesus.

- Okay. Hey, just follow me.
- Yeah, okay.

You two, let's go.

Yeah, no, that's what
we're doing. [inaudible].

We're having so much fun.

[mumbling indistinctly]

You think anybody saw us?

- Hey, you guys.
- Oh!

What's happening? Guess what? Success!

- Oh! Yeah, it was.
- Cool!

All right, man, I guess
it was a double success,

'cause we heisted this peace pipe.

- Uh-oh.
- What?

Dude, are you insane? You
can't steal from the museum!

Shh. Why not? You did.

No. I bought this, okay?
I lied about the heist

just so you guys would stop complaining

and have a little fun.

Well, we had fun...

stealing, like you
said you were gonna do.

- Yeah.
- Who cares?

Let's just get out of here.

Give me my selfie stick. Let's go.

[stammers] Ohh...

Where's my selfie stick?

Yeah, actually, we kind
of Indiana Jonesed that

at the Native American exhibit.

So you left my selfie
stick in there with my phone,

which has a video that says,

"We're going to rob this museum" on it?

Correct?

- Sah-wee.
- Okay.

- Yeah. We did do that.
- Okay.

- Shoot. That's a bummer.
- Oh, my God, dude.

It's way worse than you think.

What? What now?

My Tamagotchi died.

Oh, no, you all right?

No, I'm not okay.
Everything's going wrong.

You know what just
happened? We... we're cursed.

- How are we cursed?
- We smoked the peace pipe

when there's beef in our crew.

That makes it a beef pipe.

That's, like, Native American 101, dude.

I did not smoke a beef
pipe. Let it be known.

Yes, you did, and I smoked
the big beef pipe in his pants,

and it's all going
downhill; we're cursed, man.

Shh! We do not have
time for this, okay?

We need to get that
beef pipe back in there

and find my phone
before someone else does.

Oh, we need to squash
the beef and lift the curse.

Otherwise, this stuff's
gonna be going wrong all day.

I can already tell. Look it.

If I get my phone, I'll
squash all the beef you want.

- Okay, fine.
- Let's just go to Chili's.

Your attention, please. I'm
sorry, but since the museum

closes in a half hour,
we're gonna close early

so we can check the alarm system,

but come back tomorrow with
your ticket stubs for refunds,

and remember, next week:
"A Walk With Dinosaurs"!

Exciting stuff!

Boo! This guy sucks!

Shut up. Let's go. This way.

- Go. Go this way. Go.
- Ow!

[beatboxing]

[beatboxing]

There's gotta be, like, a side door

we can sneak in or something.

Yeah, I'm just trying to massage

the fart out of me right now.

Hey, can we focus?

Jeez, Ders, you almost
scared the fart out of me.

You should do that. Try to
scare the fart out of me.

I'm not scaring the fart out of you.

Fine, then. No more farts.
No more farts in our crew.

We don't get to talk
about farts anymore.

- We used to love it.
- Great, yeah.

You can't block a
door. It's a fire hazard.

Get that out of the way.

Will you guys just stop beefing?

We have enough beef to squash already.

- Do you like farts?
- I love farts.

Am I in the wrong here?

No, I'll marry a fart, I swear to...

- Wait.
- What is this?

Is this bamboo?

Is this bamboo?

You imbeciles brought
the wrong shipment!

Do you know how ridiculous it would be

to have dinosaurs
roaming around in bamboo,

when everyone knows there was no
bamboo in the Cretaceous Period?

I think it's down this way.

Okay.

Hmm.

[gasps] Hide, hide!

So have you ever worked
with dinosaur costumes before?

No, but I did the
"Sesame Street" live tour,

and the Snuffleupagus puppet
is basically the same size.

- Gone?
- Yeah.

Oh, my God, that was close. Okay.

- Oh, hide, hide, hide!
- What?

Yeah, I did background
work on a couple other movies,

but Frank Oz was a
nightmare to work with.

Oh, Frank's the worst.

I was finally like, "You
know, life's too short."

Last time I saw
Frank, I said to myself,

"This man needs to go
away, like, forever."

Okay, come on.

Dan: We're starting.

Lisa: Oh, I left my gloves in the car.

Start without me. I'll
be back in a jiffy.

Oh.

- Okay, the phone's this way.
- Come on, let's go.

- Good idea. Great idea.
- Yeah.

All right, okay.

Look how good I am at this.
Get it, get it, get it.

I can do it with my eyes closed.

[shouting] Open your eyes and get it!

Okay, Ders, you almost
scared the fart out of me.

I wish. That'd be awesome.

I've been looking forward to that fart.

- Yeah, open it please.
- Go, please.

- Come on.
- All right, got it.

- Here you go.
- Give me the phone.

Okay, look, now you
have your phone, Ders.

Please, will you just squash the beef?

Hey, what in the
Dark Ages are you doing?

- Run.
- Run!

- Go!
- Run, run, run!

Not running. Not running.

Come on!

Where... where are we going, Ders?

- I don't know.
- Stop!

Get them! They're bad boys!

Oh, my God!

Run!

[all screaming]

Go, go, go!

Let me in! Let me in!

Ah!

[Adam whimpering]

Shh!

[both screaming]

Lock it! Lock it! Lock it! Lock it!

[all laughing]

All right!

Will you guys please come out?

Never!

Oh, come on.

We're in the middle of a rehearsal,

and we need to finish

so we can get over to
the children's hospital.

We're supposed to do

a puppet show for the sick kids.

Just come out. We'll let you go.

We don't even work for the museum.

How do we know it's not a trick?

I swear on Jim Henson's life.

Come on, please!

We'll let you try on the dinosaur suits.

- We get to try on the suits.
- Okay, that's cool.

- Jim Henson's life.
- Are they safe?

Are they hot? Are they breathable?

- Are you serious?
- Okay, okay.

We're coming out.

Okay, how do you make the eyes blink?

Ah, yeah, this is gonna be cool.

That's like a really cool...

- Heck, yeah.
- What the [bleep]?

- Hello.
- That's what you get

for ruining our rehearsal, you idiots.

What kind of children's hospital

has a dinosaur party at 8:00 p.m.?

Okay, don't you throw logic in my face.

You gave us your word.

I swore on Jim Henson's life.

- Right.
- Exactly.

Jim Henson has been dead for years!

We are all students of Brian Henson's.

I should've known that.

- Brian Henson.
- Enough.

Watch the teeth, buster.

I'll sue you.

Both: Brian Henson! Brian Henson!

Brian Henson!

[beatboxing]

[beatboxing]

[Blake sighs]

Sit down, and don't move.

There's only two chairs.

I'm gonna s-stand.

I hope you little turd
boys like getting arrested,

because I'm calling the police.

What's with you and turds?

You've got, like, a
weird butthole fixation,

and also a fixation on little boys.

You're a pedophile. Ders!

I bet you feel good, don't you?

Because this is, hands down,
the worst Ders Day of all time.

- Congratulations.
- Whatever, man.

You didn't even give Ders Day a chance.

It could've been a nice
day at the museum, but no!

Three Caucasian men.

They were trying to steal.

Everything has to be epic.

Okay, stop yelling.

Yeah, just chill out, Ders.

Oh, do you want me to chill?

I thought you wanted to be epic.

Which one do you want, epic or chill?

We want, like, a epic chill.

No, forget about it, man!

I'll be epic 'cause it's Ders Day!

Mother[bleep] Ders Day! Yeah!

- [loud flatulence]
- Whoa.

You just scared the fart out of me.

I know, that's why I did
that. Let's go! Come on!

- Hey, get back here!
- Let's go!

Oh, my God.

[Adam laughing]

What did you eat?

I don't know.

That's been up there for a while.

- That was in the deep butt.
- The smell!

I can't breathe!

I'm home!

Oh, happy, epic Ders Day.

My new favorite cape.

[mimics whooshing]

Cool boat! I love it! Yeah!

[gasps] Oh, my God.

Happy Epic Ders Day, Erik the Red.

Blake: Okay, Ders, look,

I think the police are on their way.

We need to get going, all right?

Who cares!

We're having fun, right?

I'm having fun. Here, here.

- Why? What are you doing?
- Here, fight me real quick.

- That's cool, that's cool.
- Okay.

Oh, yeah, yeah!

- Oh!
- What are you doing?

Adam: Oh, God.

I thought these things were CGI.

Oh, yeah, that does
not make sense, Adam.

- Oh, my God.
- Ders, look,

I know you're in the middle
of a mental breakdown.

I get that; sometimes
I throw Slipknot on

and rage in the room, but we
need to squash the beef and go.

Blake, I don't have time for beef, pal,

because I am a Viking!

To the 'Vo!

I like Ders when he's like this.

- This is fun.
- I feel a little concussed.

[all yelling]

Hey, dinosaurs,

why don't you go back to being extinct?

- Yeah!
- Nice.

Oh, what the hell?

- I'm so sorry.
- We're gonna kick your ass!

- Oh, go, go, go!
- Oh, crap!

[all yelling]

- Come on, come on.
- Go, go, go, go.

This way. Ah!

- Oh, Jesus!
- Oh, man!

It's the end of the line, boys.

- Oh, my God.
- He escaped.

Damn it, we're trapped.

Wait, there's an exit.

- Oh.
- Ah, it's locked!

Forget about it, man, we're toast.

Put the artifacts down now.

- Okay, yeah.
- Fine.

Here, there's that.

Guys, I'm sorry I dragged you here

even though I know you hate museums,

and I just ruined another Ders Day,

and now we're gonna get arrested; great.

Honestly, it's not
even your fault, dude.

We were just being selfish.

Ders Days, yes, they do suck. Usually.

Admittedly, they're the worst day.

But like, this was a pretty fun one.

- Appreciate that.
- Yeah.

Hey, what do you say we squash the beef?

I never knew what beef
you were talking about.

Just the fact that we've
been kind of fighting.

- It's squashed.
- Is it squashed?

- Yeah.
- All right, wait.

One, two, three, beef squashed!

You know what, screw that guy.

Just leave it blocking the door.

Come on, man.

We do that and we're
stooping to his level.

That's not what we do
at Anderson Delivery.

Let's move it.

Yeah, I have three intruders

at the Museum of Science and History.

Please come down.

Yeah, you freaking wish, Saul,

but sorry, the beef is squashed!

- We squashed the beef!
- Squashed! Squashed!

I'm gonna try it.

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

- Ah! It worked!
- Go!

It worked! It worked!

The spell is broken and we live again!

I better never see you
in this museum ever again!

You hear me? Never again!

Is that a ficus?

[beatboxing]

[beatboxing]

Why do we have to do this again?

Hey, what... ow! Ow, there's thorns.

You guys are gonna
find out what's going on.

Let's just say that
Ders Day is not over yet.

Adam: Ders Day isn't over yet?

All I can say is, it was pretty cool

that, you know, Adam farted
his way out of trouble.

- That smelled bad.
- Yeah.

God, that smelled,
like, medically bad, man.

Like, seriously, you should
get yourself checked out.

I feel like I can still
smell it or something.

Oh, and the reason for that
is because I did poop my pants.

Oh, there was some poop in the toot.

A ton of it's actually smeared

on my butt cheeks; I'm gonna have to

take off my underwear
when we get inside, so.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Also, I realized

something about Dr. Jerry Larryberry.

- Who's that?
- He was lying to me.

Obviously.

He actually was a real big liar.

I don't even think he was
in the CIA, truthfully.

I think we knew.

And he, um, jerked me off once.

- Oh.
- Obviously, yeah.

That's, like, a no-brainer.

Ah, that's neither here
nor there, but remember

when I hit that dinosaur
in the head with that sword?

Yes, yes. Ders Day has been epic.

It's about to get a
little bit more epic,

and I'm just squeezing through you.

- I'm still not fully on board.
- I know you can't see me,

but go ahead and take off
your blindfolds and look up.

- Okay.
- What... where are we?

Not straight up, but
just kind of up and forward.

- Oh!
- Yeah!

- Oh, Chili's!
- Ooh!

It's a Ders Day, baby!

It's a Ders Day, baby! Yes!

Now we're talking.

Just get in there! Get in there!

We should've just came
right here, you idiot.

Uh, I will take...

three triple dippers.

One of every option, please.

Yes, and I would
like the steak fajitas.

No beef. Extra squash.

Nice. Good call.

And then a order of
wings over buffalo for moi.

And don't forget the...

All:
Baby back ribs

Okay, you almost
forgot the barbecue sauce!

So, basically, one of everything?

- Sure.
- Yeah.

- That works too.
- Yeah, yeah.

Just one of everything.

Nice!

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